#smol bean thoughts

[smolbeanie1221]

Being aroace spec can be so confusing

My first relationship was with a girl, and I kinda just went along with what she wanted to do bc I figured, well she’s enjoying it so I must be enjoying this too… I didn’t mind anything we did, I just didn’t care or think about it.

Second relationship was with a guy, and at this point my mom had made me feel incredibly guilty for having been with a girl before, joys of being afab in a religious family and the first person you date is a girl. And he was… definitely pushy. Again tho, I just went along with it bc I figured, well he wants to do this and I just have to be bi so there’s a chance I’ll be a normal girl and end up with a guy someday so I have to be enjoying this too… Yeah I definitely was feeling a lot of pressure there.

At this point, I had not felt actual sexual attraction towards anyone, and I don’t think I was ever romantically in love with either of those people.

Third relationship was with a guy who was also one of my best friends. We were kinda dating for a summer and it was a better relationship than the previous, but in the end we went back to just being friends and it was better that way.

At this point, I’m very confused, but I discover this wonderful thing called ASEXUALITY. And everything suddenly made sense. Except for one small thing.

Fourth relationship that never actually became a relationship. I was in some type of love with a different best friend, I would say demi/sapio-romantic (romantically attracted because of both an emotional and mind connection basically). But he was definitely aromantic, but allosexual. I was romantically attracted to him, but asexual… right??? For years I was confused because I wanted an actual official relationship and I would’ve been more than okay with sleeping with him. But… that can’t be sexual attraction?? I’m ace?? Right?? Ahhhhhh. Yeah so I was very confused around him. Turns out, I’m actually demi-ace, but I didn’t realize that until years later after I lost contact with him, and I’ve been too scared to reach out to him lol. Anyways I have a gf now anyways. And that’s been the only time that the demi part of my ace-ness has come out, pun intended lol.

Actual fourth relationship. Definitely romantic and completely non-sexual. Really good relationship for over a year, and that partner helped me become more comfortable with my gender identity and we both were ace and it was really good for a while. It just wasn’t a relationship that was built to grow, so eventually we drifted apart.

Fifth relationship. A non-romantic and non-sexual relationship. Lasted less than a year, but made me realize that I was also aro spec bc being in a relationship that did not have romantic or sexual expectations felt so comfortable and right.

Sixth relationship. The one that broke my heart. My other best friend in that time frame, we were incredibly close and bonded over everything, from our mental health struggles to books to sheetz runs to everything. Eventually we officially were boyfriends in a qpr. They were my number one person for so long, my life partner. There was never anything romantic or sexual, but we loved each other deeply. Until life happened and they changed and I had to break up with them and got my heart broken.

All of these took place from late middle school to early college by the way. I went from, oh I’m a girl and I like girls! To, shit I can’t like girls so I have to like boys too bc I have to be bisexual at least. To, ohhhh so I can actually not want to sleep with people and that’s normal too?? So I’m nonbinary and asexual? That makes sense. To, why why if I’m ace would I be more than okay sleeping with him??? To, huh i think I’m aro spec too. To, okay I’m definitely aro spec, probably demi-aro technically and… probably demi-ace too? Yeah that’s probably right.

At the same time, I didn’t feel as tho romantic was necessarily the right word for me. I mean I’ve experienced romantic attraction I think, but it usually felt kinda forced by either my partner’s expectations or by society’s expectations. I think that’s why my non-romantic non-sexual relationships felt so comfortable to me, bc there wasn’t any of that expectation. I have no freaking idea what romantic attraction really feels like to me. I’ve experienced it I think (??), but for several reasons including outside expectations and general-emotional-processing-issues at those times, I have a hard time knowing any emotions I was feeling at that time in my life. The “butterflies” and “spacey eyed” and “gooey lovey” feelings I felt could’ve been romantic, sure. But they could’ve also been someone who was heavily emotionally repressed all their life just being happy to have someone that they loved who loved them back and getting excited over how cute they were and enjoying their rambles and just generally being happy with someone and also liking some physical contact like hugs and cuddles bc physical touch is their love language with everyone and they like hugs with everyone they care about, and it wasn’t necessarily romantic…..

I get a similar feeling to “butterflies” when I’m nervous about something or excited to see someone in my family I haven’t seen for a while bc I love them and am excited and happy. Not necessarily a “romantic indicator”. I get “spacey eyed” all the time, and usually it’s bc I’m obsessing over my latest fanfic idea. Again, not a “romantic indicator”. I get “gooey lovey” feelings when I see an adorable animal, when someone in my family or close friend group does something really sweet for me or I’m really happy to see them or I get a hug from anyone I love. Once again, not a “romantic indicator”.

Because of all this, I have settled on alterous as my general term for the type of attraction I have with people I have or wanted to date. Alterous to me means this: “I want to be with you and talk with you and do everything with you, I just don’t care how it looks for us or how we categorize ourselves.” I would also attach romance-inclined or sex-inclined as a prefix type thing when applicable. Fourth relationship that never actually happened? Sex and romance-inclined alterous. Fourth actual relationship? Romance-inclined alterous. This doesn’t actually mean that I will feel romantic or sexual attraction or interest or desire with someone, but I may be inclined to want aspects of that type of relationship and I might have those actual feelings from time to time.

The partner that I have now, seventh relationship for those counting lol. This relationship feels stronger and better than any that I’ve had in the past. There’s no pressure or expectation about sex, and she knows that I’m on the aro spectrum, so there’s no romantic pressure either. At the same time, I love the romantic type aspects we have, but I can’t with any certainty say that my feelings are romantic, or at least not romantic all the time. But I feel about her differently than I have about anyone else. There’s several possible reasons, but one main thing I think is that I’m now in a healthier place emotionally so I can better feel and process all my emotions, including my feelings towards her.

Anyways, at this point I would say I’m aroace spec. Demi-altrose (alterous, romantic, sexual).

#smol bean thoughts #smol bean rambles #aspec #aroace #aromantic #asexual #alterous attraction #demisexual #demi ace #demiromantic #demi aro #demi rose #demi alterous #demi altrose

[smol-beans-things]

As nice as grand, singular, and once-in-a-lifetime things are.....perhaps this year we should look around us and appreciate the small things...

Really be thankful for a nice cup of coffee or the birdsong in the morning.

Truly enjoy being tucked into bed.

Bask for a single minute in the warmth of the sun.

Take one deep breath of the outside air.

This year, just take stock of the little things that go right.

#smol bean thoughts #new year #same me #but thats okay #i evolve in dmall ways every day #just thoughts #thinking aloud

[jahiera]

as we exit the period of people overly woobifying astarion we will enter the period where people who don’t like him will wildly over-exaggerate and misconstrue flaws he doesn’t even have as a way to combat the woobification and the most painful thing about it will not be that people are talking about his flaws but that they’re not even addressing the right ones

#breathing through my nose reading excessively combative takes knowing that they’re rooted in annoyance but my god they’re also #so so bad. so so so soooo bad. #like that’s something literally addressed in his main arc. it has the answer. you don’t have to like it but don’t misconSTRUEEE IT #anyway it’s fine. I need to be back in the vacuum of silence when the game first dropped and it was nothing but me and my thoughts on it #I PREFER my ideas and my thoughts and my conclusions without all the noise and input I don’t know why I Engage in the popular thought #I must not engage in public opinion of my favorite complicated characters. engaging in public opinion is the mind killer. #‘haha I killed him immediately’ I could not care less about your opinion. in fact I care even less than I do about the #‘astarion is my smoft smol bean’ people. and I also hate that. #complaining /

[buggaboizz]

✨✨✨lil kwaz✨✨✨

You can use it as a pfp, just make sure to credit me!

#sorry i havent posted in a HOT minute. ive been trying to get my bearings at school #then theres also all the start of year sickness thats been kicking my auto immune disease azzz #things are getting better tho. so i thought id post! #octonauts #art #octonauts fanart #kwazii #meme #octonauts meme #funny art #just a goofy lil guy #lil man #smol bean #smol bby #octonauts above and beyond #above and beyond

[cool-thymus]

An AU where chaotic baby Obito befriends Sakumo and saves the Hatake clan from depression 😇 Inspired by @maireyart and our silly prompt game (speech bubbles under the cut)

#mydrawings #this au must exist! just imagine this little bean being friends with the White Fang #kakashi and obito pulling skumo out of his dark thoughts #obito uchiha #kakashi hatake #hatake sakumo #single father sakumo is everything #obkk #but smol :3

[charliecuntcicle]

ik were all nostalgic for old tumblr but maybe we should leave the infantilization of gay (and especially trans) men in the past thanks

#lgbtq+ #gay #transgender #straight women who are incapable of being normal about gay men existing this is mostly about you btw <3 #about a year ago now some girl me and my then bf vaguely knew was like “omg you guys are such precious little gay beans” #i punched her #thats not a joke i genuinely decked her #maybe im unfairly calling out straight women for this shit but ive literally never seen it from a man so idk #a straight woman will call a gay and trans man her little uwu smol bean precious baby and not see a problem with that #its wild #everytime it happens i have to sit and go fucking christ i thought we left this shit in 2014 #idk why im a hater on main today i think im in a bad mood idk #everytime im in a bad mood i post some shit like “being homophobic is bad” and nobody sees it but it makes me feel better

[jedimemery]

She is radiant. ☀️😌❤️

#star wars #the bad batch #tbb #clone force 99 #tbb omega #the best girl #precious smol bean #no thoughts head empty only undying love for my precious angel #I would fistfight someone for her #baby girl is growing up

[earthssprout]

merry Christmas eve to all who celebrate the holiday ! 🎄 😊 to keep this blog feeling subtly festive despite my absence, have a little Ari Fact™️: she calls candy canes " landy - lanes " 🍭🍃

#( ❀ | ooc ) #( much to my surprise tumblr has kept my tags ... huh 👀 #I'll be busy with both work & holiday festivities--& I hope many of you will also be engaged with much pertaining to the latter! #as per usual my mind is bursting with thoughts about this smol earthy bean 😭 absolutely unchanged )

[noisythoughts-byme]

it all fell down.

#these two #the sheer tragedy of them #makes my heart ache #like literally #dumbledore x grindelwald #grindeldore #albus dumbledore x gellert grindelwald #albus x gellert #fantastic beasts #ive heard a lot of negative review of fb3 #but i personally thought it was great #especially my smol baby bean aurelius (did i spell that right?) #gellert grindleward #albus dumbledore

[smolbeanie1221]

One month anniversary

Two months ago, I never would’ve imagined that I would be dating someone, much less someone that I’ve fallen so much in love with and that I adore and who I know loves me and cares about me and makes me happy like this.

It’s so unreal. And I’m so unbelievably happy and lucky to have her in my life.

Only thing that could make tonight better is if I could cuddle her rn and fall asleep in her arms.

#smol bean thoughts #i wanna cuddle with my gf #being aspec and in love

[smol-beans-things]

ya know, I never realized how starved I was for love and desperately read fanfics to feel that love until I met Big Bean and now I don’t read fics anymore. How interesting....who knew I just needed a hand to hold and fanfics grip on me would be released.

#smol bean thoughts #Big Bean and I are very happy #still a weird thought that I'm not single no more #but also that I have literally zero desire for fics #i almost miss them

[harmonyverendez]

Remmao who let you out of your cage!!!???😤

#Rc Remmao #Romance club #my post #Rc ramesses #rc ash song of crimson nile #rc remmao #rc livius #rc sotcn #rc ash #I'm so damn angry #I also wonder what will happen next #Evie honey you need that damn knife to protect yourself #I honestly thought Remmao would be a godfather to Eva #But guess I was wrong #I hate being wrong #If you can tell #Next update? Find out what happens to Isman #My smol bean 🥺🥺🥺 #Ugh #Why me? #HarmonyVerendez

[askamnesiamoonjumper]

me after editing the aau prologue for the bajillionth time

#First chapter I changed the opening bc I always thought it felt off/abrupt and wanted to have it be prince pov from the start #I wanna get in his head more ok sue me #Beyond that tho it was just some wording edits #Specifically with the internal dialogue moments I helped them flow more/feel more like thoughts #Also mj gets a bit more of their usual edge/pessimism bc the prologue they always felt a bit too “ówò sad poor smol bean” or whatever #That’s it tho chapter 4 I didn’t change bc it’s peak #Did add some teases to later things tho like snatch senses mjs soul at the end of his chap but doesn’t realize it #Or like I added the Not Now running thing in the earlier chapters bc it was more of a chapter 4 thing so I wanted 2 set it up more so boom #I think that’s all the notable edits ig like I said just description additions the only actual new thing is the opener for chap 1 👍 #Also also I got to include a hc that I have that I neglected to do before but I hc a!prince used plural internal dialogue #Because lol we love dramatic irony in this house #Grace post #this reminds me tho one of these days I should look through heart strings chapter one to look for editing things #Bc I think I did that recently but I don’t remember it much tho #Mostly just when the Hat stuff starts that was the parts I never directly rewrote I just edited them so they feel out of place in my brain #Also I’d wanna edit her dialogue bc it *was* in character (after rereading her diary’s to confirm) but I wanna have her be a bit more snark #Hat is Hard bc i Need the balance of cute little kid and also smug little shit (affectionate) like she is a pain to write man cries #This is just me rambling lol ignore it I just wanted to spam aau thoughts #In other news I made shapes redesigns but I’m on the fence on posting them bc idk if I wanna spoil or not hhhhhhhhh #Nowadays I’m more chill w spoiling things than I used to be #But there are a handful of things I’ve kept shut about (ex being princes name or mjs species stuff etc) #So I’m not sure if this thing with shapes i should keep secret or just post bc I used to spoil it but idk now #Shrugs #maybe I’ll do a poll later I dunno #Ok yapping over byeeeeee

[kaninchen-reblogs]

I’m not entirely sure how to word this correctly cuz brain currently scrampled egg but I feel like being on the aro/ace spectrum as a transfem is incredibly frustrating when the majority of online transfem spaces are very hypersexual

Like on one hand, trans women are constantly told by society that they’re undesirable except when they’re objectified and chased, so the act of taking their sexualization into their own hands is super important and I’m legitimately glad that trans girls can find spaces online where they can be unabashedly horny in a liberating way.

On the other hand, you can’t look up “transgender” on this site without getting 80% porn bots and 20% discourse, I can’t share [animal]girl[bodypart] blogs to my ace friends without them being jumpscared by the most recent post being uncensored explicit imagery, and a big chunk of the online white anglo-centric transfem culture now is being super horny, alongside NEET-posting, blahaj, and striped socks.

Like I’m on the ace spectrum but I’m sex-positive and not bothered by the horny stuff so it doesn’t affect me too much. But I cannot imagine how alienating it must feel to be aromatic, asexual, and/or sex-repulsed as a transfem and your only other option is the sanitized, infantilized “uwu im anxious eepy baby with shark plush” meme-space. And I’m aware that HRT affects libido — ever since I started it, it’s definitely gone up, so I can’t blame people for needing an outlet.

I mean I guess that speaks to how you can never be “truly” inclusive in a space because something will always be exclusive to another person. Idk I just wish the world was safer for transfems from all walks of life, and there were more spaces for us to be proud of ourselves without it falling into “super horny”, “discourse”, or “ultra-sanitized”.

#I’ve had these thoughts for a while now #like for the past month or two I’ve kept thinking about all this stuff #partially inspired by the fact that one of my best friends is a sex repulsed ace transfem #(if you’re reading this hi i love you) #and just feeling … idk. like she deserves better I guess? #I can’t speak for how the transmasc culture is since I’m not transmasc #from what I’ve seen it appears somewhat the same? #of either ‘you’re a smol bean uwu’ or ‘you’re a hunky sexy man’ with no in between #but I won’t assume that’s how it is just from those few things I’ve seen #idk it just really seems like being aro/ace/sex repulsed means that the internet is actively hostile to you #and you can’t engage in your identity without it being discourse in some way #and yes I realize the irony of saying that on a post like this #‘20% of transgender posts are discourse’ I complain as I write up a discourse-bait post lmao #please don’t actually discourse on this post I’m just tryna get my thoughts out