#shit im so hurt this is the worst

[ashfdhfgdsfk]

might remake to a new account entirely and change the name i go by

#depresso rant incoming skipp all this if you dont wanna hear it #txt #el/ena might have to become a deadname for lack of a better word sjdhfg #putting the slash because im beyond paranoid now #nothing on this earth is sacred i feel like ive lost the only safe space i had left #would you guys call me some silly name if i asked :-( fuck #shit im so hurt this is the worst #trying to be positive so im not just a huge drag but im so isolated in my real life and as stupid as it sounds #tumblr was becoming a little home id carved out for myself #and i feel like im never going to feel safe here again #but in order to tell you guys about a new blog url ill have to post about it which means they might see it too and uagshfg #and god it doesnt even matter bc my arts out there anyway and a few random 10k+ note posts so theres a chance theyll find me no matter what #and shit i loved so many of my old urls but i cant ever reuse them and i feel like im seriously losing my fucking mind trying to hide #like tumblr and having you guys was the only thing keeping me going through all this shit and it feels like ive lost all of that comfort #this is gonna be the worst fucking birthday ever dude just for that extra cherry on top like i seriously have nothing going for me rn SJDHG #denver and a few lovely mutuals to keep me kicking but oughgf #i feel sick #feel like i need to shower and scrub my soul raw to get this vile ass feeling out #god im sorry to be negative i rlly am i try to keep things cheery round here but im styeadily reaching my limit #and i want to reblog stuff to comfort myself but i dont want to reblog anything in case theyre watching and fuck im so dfjsfgjksfjkgsfkdgh #i could really go for a hug right about now s'all

[bamsara]

I have covid hhhhh

#tw covid #this shit hurts #im miserable lmao #and itd at the worst time too because its the time of the month i need to be printing out and cutting and packaging stuff #im not really having breathing problems but using my legs or moving my lower back/spine is a no go #so im near immobile #i mean its fine i had this reaction when i took the second vax shot but its just a worse level #wtf am i supposed to do lmao

[bluegiragi]

Complicated - Ghost/Soap [FIC]

[AN: I don't usually write fics and this definitely won't become a trend, but I had a major brainworm today and had to get it down on the page.

Relevant content tags: miscommunication, mutual pining, ghost being an idiot, angst angst ANGST IF THIS DOESN'T HURT THEN I DIDN'T DO A GOOD ENOUGH JOB.]

ghostsoap but where simon, hurt by a history of shitty relationships and the residual trauma of watching his father destroy his mother, sabotages his own relationship with soap out of fear, terrified by how strongly he feels for the man.

--

He ends it just as it's supposed to start. 

It's a mistake from the beginning, a culmination of adrenaline running high after a job well done, just the slightest buzz of alcohol and Johnny's voice in his ear the entire night. It has him running hot, running stupid, but all he can think of in the moment is how good it feels to kiss Soap so hard it hurts. They tumble into Soap's room in a mess of limbs and he shoves Soap down onto his bed, gets his mouth on him, his hand on him and the sounds he makes, fuck, the feeling of his hands in his hair as he presses his teeth into the curve of his ass-

it's so good that it's heady, makes him more delirious than a fully stocked bar could and he's stuck in the haze of Johnny, Johnny, Johnny and it's only when he hears how he moan his name ("Si, oh fuck - Simon!) as he cums that he realises-

-he loves him.

the realisation opens up a pit in his stomach. it's like someone just dropped him into an ice bath and suddenly he's seeing this in all it's naked, horrifying glory. how he's in his own sergeant's bed, how Soap is petting at his face, almost sleepily, dazed, sated, smiling at him like he's hung the fucking moon and stars and fuck. Fuck.

Ghost shoots to his feet so fast it's almost comical, methodically striding over to where he discarded his clothes when he stumbled into the room (when he wasn't thinking) to drag on his pants, his shirt, his fucking mask (goddamnit). Soap watches him from the bed, his eyebrows lifted in a half-amused half-confused quirk.

"Where you off to?"

"Back to my room."

"Y'know, most people like to linger after they do the deed. Bask in the afterglow." 

Soap stands to cross the room and Ghost almost swears. He can't find his boots.

"You have done this before, right L.T?" Soap says it to tease, but a hint of sincerity creeps in, a tentative olive branch in face of whatever thing he must think Ghost is doing.

"I'm not a blushing virgin if that's what you're asking."

"It's not. I'm asking about your history."

Ghost freezes. The pit in his stomach widens into a black fucking hole. 

"...I have one."

Soap whistles. Ghost, having finally caught sight of his remaining boot, yanks it on almost fast enough to tear through the sole. 

"That bad huh? What happened?"

"Things got complicated."

"And this - this isn't complicated?" Soap asks with a smile. Ghost stares at him for a moment, as the dawning reality of his situation sinks its claws into him. It is. God, it might just be the most complicated things have ever been for him. Fucking hell.

Ghost turns away, does up his laces and gets to his feet.

"Not yet."

"Yet? What's that supposed to mean?" A hint of defensiveness is starting to creep into Soap's voice. Ghost needs to get out of here before that hint burrows under his skin and convinces him to do something idiotic, like get back into bed with the (still naked) man who he just realised he's in too deep with.

"Nothing. See you topside." is all he says as he takes a step towards the door, and then suddenly Soap is there, blocking his view and his stride with a hand on his chest.

"Simon, what's wrong? You're...something's up." he says, and the clench of his heart at the sound of his concern has Ghost gritting his teeth.

"What, because I don't want to spend the night?" 

"The fuck?" Soap laughs out, almost incredulous. "I didn't say that, I j-just -" he stutters, Ghost's mind almost coos and he wants to rip that voice out of his head and suffocate it under a pillow. "What is wrong with you? We fuck once and now I'm chopped liver?"

Johnny stares at him, a crease deepening between his eyebrows, a slight lift to his lips like he's wanting this to be a joke, something in passing, not what he's beginning to understand it is. And the fear, the anger, at Johnny for making him feel this way, for overcomplicating things, at himself for letting him in - it spills out like something poisonous in Ghost's throat, black and putrid and smelling like his father's breath on his worst nights. 

Ghost fixes him with a glare. 

"Is it really so impossible for you to understand this meant more to you than it did to me, Sergeant?"

He regrets the words the moment they leave his mouth but they're out there. Hanging in the air, frozen. Soap stares at him, unmoving.

"...What?" he says in a rasp like in that moment he's giving him a chance to take it back. But Ghost's throat is closed up with something thick and the moment passes and Johnny's expression shutters, eyes blinking, his lips curling up into a wry mirthless grin. He shakes his head at the floor, a hollow laugh jerking out of his chest.

"Alright then," he mutters almost too quiet to hear and then he looks back up at Ghost and the smile falls. "Get out."

"Soap-"

"Get the fuck out." 

Ghost is more or less shoved into the corridor and the door slams behind him with a jarring finality. The silence that falls afterwards feels emptier somehow and for a second, he considers going back inside. Knocking at the door, begging Johnny to let him in, apologising, saying it was all a mistake. Saying that he loved him.

But he doesn't. He hasn't got the parts to do this right. He knows that. His father knew it. Every relationship he's ever had knew it, knew there wasn't enough material to build anything in the pit that was Simon Riley. Staying, giving either of them hope, letting this thing fester into something he'd have to watch die one day -

- this was a mercy. Soap would find someone better. He'd understand in the end.

Simon walks back to his room.

--

Inside, Soap waits until he can't hear Ghost's footsteps anymore before he slides down the length of the door and digs the heels of his palms into his eyes. His stupid, burning eyes.

"Stupid," he hisses quietly to himself. "You stupid, fucking idiot."

--

The next day they're called into a briefing and run into each other in the hall. It's tense. Ghost stares down at the circles under Soap's eyes, how those baby blues widen then flatten into something (colder, his thoughts unhelpfully supply) simpler.

"Sergeant," Ghost says in acknowledgement. Business like always. They've always worked well together. After this passes, after Soap...recovers from whatever shit got into his head that Simon fucking Riley was worth any part of him -

"Lieutenant."

Soap's eyes flick away, forward, and he brushes past him into the briefing room, leaving Ghost standing out in the hallway. 'Lieutenant'. It's his title, there shouldn't be anymore to it. But -

"Let's get ourselves a win yeah, L.T?"

There's something tight in his chest. Ghost clenches his jaw.

When he walks inside the room, Soap is far over on the right side, sitting next to Gaz, chatting animatedly. He doesn't pause when Ghost walks past, doesn't even look as he settles into his seat. Price shoots him a glance from the front. Ghost stares resolutely ahead.

--

"What the fuck did you do, Simon? Shit in his breakfast?" Price levels an accusatory stare his way once they're alone in his office and instinctively, Ghost bristles. And then the look on Soap's face last night comes back to him, the rasp of his "...What?". That last chance he didn't take.

He deflates, and pours himself a glass of the whiskey sitting on top of his captain's desk.

"I ended something before it could start."

Price's eyes soften, almost imperceptibly.

"Oh, son. You didn't."

"It's for both our sakes," Ghost says with a finality, and downs the glass in one go.

#[insert angel emoji] #simon is so fucked up emotionally #im sorry for hurting both him and johnny in this #not really #but also i do think ghost would be his own worst enemy in this sort of situation #motherfucker would overthink the shit out of a relationship #anyway feel free to continue this if y'all feel like it #my writing frenzy ended where the fic ended and i dont think writing a continuation is in the cards for a while #ghostsoap #fic #angst #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #giragi writes

[xenomorphicdna]

@aluminum-angels i made an entire doodle page just to prove a point

Their relationships do not fail, they get along just fine and they love each other very much

Peace and love among my rw ocs

#auugh you people will not belive the shit i've been through today #ok so basically i was grabbing some food out and i sprinkle the cheese and im like huh this cheese kinda stale #so i give it a sniff and it STINKS and im like aw fuck well its already on my food so uhhh in the microwave this all goes maybe it will be #ok after its heated but SPOILERS it does not and actually now it smells worse so im over here trying to figure out if its worth to eat this #thing and if it will taste as bad as it smells luckly it tatsed just fine but auughh couldnt breathe while eating that but it doesnt end #there because after gulping all that stuff down suddenly everytime i breathed i could smell that stuff augh it was horrible #worst decision of my life so i needed a cure for this rancid ass stench so my lord and and saviour garlic comes in to save me #and you can just chew on that stuff no one will stop you (altho maybe someone should because eating garlic raw kinda hurts) #anyways posion neutralised but i am rather weary of cheese now #rain world #iterator #rain world oc #iterator oc #oc four blue flames #oc vision of a past #drawins

[snixx]

me: *explains why and how they hurt me and why I really didn't want to bring this up because I just broke up with my best friend and favourite person in the whole world and im tired of losing people and being too much but also they really hurt me and I consider them one of the closest people to me and I want to be honest*

them: ...

them: sorry

me: ...

them: *offers no further explanation*

me: ...

them: ...idk what else to say I have no excuse im sorry

me: uh. okay it's fine (I guess)

them: so how are you

me: fine i guess [elaborates]

them: ah.

me: how are you what's up

them: fine.

*20 minutes of extremely painful one sided conversation later*

them: hey I gotta go *doesn't reach out again. for weeks now*

#fuck everyone im so done #im so tired of constantly realizing im carrying all my relationships on my back #and the people i love the most just dont give a shit #like fuck offff if one of my friends told me i was hurting them id do everything to make it right #especially if they were apprehensive but still comunicated clearly instead of just secretly resenting me #and they were already going through a lor #*lot #why do i have the worst taste in friends why are relationships so exhausting #whatever. i lost my best friend and genuinely thought i lost my other best friend for most of last year anyway i can survive this #if you don't care then i dont care #vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com #they always made fun of me for caring too much anyway. ill give that energy to my friends who actually care back

[lobotomyladylives]

literally wanna dieeeee I realized belatedly that not only was down bad written for me due to being an alien abduction metaphor song but it perfectly describes my situation w/my ex who dumped me 3 days into our second vacation in his country

#but yknow thats what i get for dating a fucking man last year when i absolutely knew better. i was in a low place & the idea of being #whisked away from europe was an escape for me . we got along really well but the second i showed any emotional weakness he couldnt handle i #oh but he sent a bunch of messages begging me to come back when i was on the plane fleeing to my sisters london flat! lol!!! #i didnt tell you guys about any of this on my old blog when it was happening bc i just knew itd invite a flood of #''why were you even dating a man'' messages. yeah im aware. it was stupid & yet another result of my inability to purge myself of the #desire to be in a relationship my homophobic father wouldnt hate me for. and i didnt think any woman would want me . im over it now #fuck my abusive father fuck men in general im so over the internalized homophobia. ive always preferred women why should i have to #supress that to make my fuckface hypocrite father happy. i only rly care bc i love my half brother & want to be in his life which means #i have to appease dad. but at what goddamn cost #why did i say from europe in that earlier tag. i meant TO europe...im from the us #anyways. what a shit show situation that was. i have never felt so betrayed by anyone except for my dad himself #oh i didnt even mention the worst part yet. when i texted from london asking if our friendship was over too (god. so cringe) he then went #into this spiel about how actually what he said earlier when he was asking me to come back #(that it had been a stupid impulse & biggest mistake of his life) was a lie & it had been a long time coming #IF IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME FLY ACROSS THR ATLANTIC FUCKING OCEAN 3 DAYS AGO FOR YOU #and said hed tell me the reasons but ''didnt want to hurt me'' #i have so much hatred in my heart for this man to this day when i really think about the mind games he was playing. unreal. #and he KNEW i already had massive trust issues

[andyridgeley]

me tryin to figure out if they were tryin to make a tiny dick joke about jamie like

#personal thingys #ted lasso #ted lasso spoilers #lasso memes #was it that the hole was too small so when they looked at it they were like oh shit it got SLICED OFF #or was it like...thats just how it is babey #and im the WORST person to ask but its been making me laugh cause that whole scene was INSANE #he wasnt tied up to isaac but made me think of when isaac karate chopped his arm like foreshadowing hmmm ajdlfkjdkalsjf #this is so dumb but its making me laugh so im posting jsoakfjfksjahdf #i know the joke was that they thought something bad happened obviously it hurt but was there another joke there

[yooniesim]

I don't know who to believe anymore, both of you have been making wild assumptions, and you've taken it the farthest. Please sit and think about if this is worth the time and energy.

Don't worry anon- fortunately, facts speak for themselves! Won't be any wild assumptions or claims, just their own words/posts. I won't ask you to believe anything I say at face value. Cos anyone can lie on the internet, right? I'm not gonna do that. I'll just lay it out, all the screenshots- just as he did- and people can come to their own conclusions about what they think about it. I think that's about fair, right? That's exactly what he did, after all.

(Also, the fact that he said myself and the others triggered by his actions "claim" to be victims, and mocked me being in mourning for my father that died 8 days ago while comparing it to his eviction took out the last tiny bit of sympathy I had. Sorry! Here's an example of a screenshot of something actually fucking disgusting for you.)

#asks #anonymous #ceci speaks #i mean #since they posted their own receipts #isnt it only fair that i post mine? #or am i supposed to be the bigger person after they mocked me for being in mourning and constantly posted about me for over a week? #and called me all the worst kinda shit and laughed in the face of all the people they triggered and called them crybabies? #and kept going and going all day today calling me all kinds of shit #nah i dont think so #ive taken it the farthest? oh baby #you havent seen nothin yet #for the record tho i never said lil bro was a predator and i dont consider him one #but since hes so irresponsible and seems to have no idea that the issue is not what he ships but how and where he posts it #and has continuously drug out this issue for days on end without having one single bit of remorse until he started getting backlash #theres enough red flags to be extremely concerning to not only me but several other survivors #NO i wouldnt trust my younger family members or minor friends around someone that consumes that content irresponsibly #and has no sense of self awareness or empathy at all #if hes hurt by that well that sucks for him #i dont buy the 'woe is me im just a poor widdle victim dat did nuffin wrong but get bullied' act #you had giant balls the entire last week and now suddenly i answered you youre crying and triggered #if i were meaner id call you a crybaby like you called the people you triggered #but instead i'll just call you a pathetic little worm #grow up #negative #tw csa mention

[pepprs]

my depression is getting really really bad. like it’s been bad before but this is like… consistently really bad. like a long unending stretch for several weeks (and tbh months) now. to the point where no inoculation actually sticks (and im isolating myself from most of my inoculations anyway and feel unable to stop doing it even though i know it’s self destructive). im either helplessly unbearably miserable or numbing out on video games. i just don’t feel like it’s going to get better for me and i KNOW that is factually untrue but the feeling is louder than the knowledge and it’s just utterly immobilizing. ive been sinking in quicksand for 2 years.

#purrs #longer than that too ofc but i think ever since i moved to campus in 2021 and shit started hitting the fan my life just started snowballing #and picked up speed majorly when i moved back home and ive been stuck in this horrible limbo ever since. like im scaring myself with how #deeply profoundly unhappy and unwell i am. i am just detached and scattered and bewildered by everything. and the only way to break free is #to fight it but i don’t even have the strength. like in order to fight it i have to have the strength and it s exactly the thing that is #being stolen from me. and i work really really hard to suppress it when im around people so no one can tell but on the inside im being eaten #alive and every day that goes on the pain gets harder to bear except im numb most of the time so i can’t tell except for when i can #one of the things that makes me saddest is ive pushed everyone away either by ghosting them or scaring them. when what i want and need the #most is love and comfort. but then when i get it it isn’t enough. idk. im not explaining it well i just feel like. horrible. unbearably #i think i need to go on meds like i truly cannot go on like this not even in a s*i cidal way it’s like i just can’t take living like this #delete later #i know im causing the people who love me pain by being unable to accept that they do love me and that’s the worst fucking part. is hurting #people by being like this. scaring people by being like this. and being so disconnected from myself #and feeling completely and utterly beyond help like nothing ive tried has fixed it but also there are a lot of things i haven’t tried but i #feel so terrible or my freedom is limited so i can’t. idk. #also the crushing knowledge / sense that i have lost the most precious important years of my life both bc of the lockdown and bc of mental #illness lol. except that’s not true bc of all the stuff abt how your best years are always ahead of you and you can make them. but it doesnt #feel like it for me and then i beat myself up bc my job is literally to exude that belief and help other ppl feel it and i increasingly cant #i remember in high school having the thought that one day i could be depressed and being conscious that i wasn’t and now i look back on that #and am like… how. and will i ever not be. i don’t think so. it just feels unending

[pcktknife]

Had the worst rest of my life last night

#kept waking up bc my throat hurt from being dry i had so many fucking lozenges #i woke up w one not fully dissolved in my mouth #its partially cause im sick but partially cause the air i had a humidifier but im not allowed to have my shit anywhere so who knows where #that is now so im just like...very pissed off and upset and not feeling great #i can do sniffling i can do body aches i haaaaate a sore throat worst feeling ever #kae.txt

[gattmammon]

So the molecule change is going badly

#i know this is the worst moment because im taking halved dosage of both meds #so my serotonin receptors are like. what exactly are we doing. and im hurting all over which is a sympthom of duloxetina withdrawal for me. #but fuck i had NOT realized how much the drug contributed to keeping my will to live up throughout the day #its kind of disappointing #this feels like way back in the days when i was just rawdogging life and its. uuuuh no good #both my general doctor and my job gave me shit about how many times ive been missing work #and like. i cannot say anything beyond im sorry #because depression is so hard to explain. people dont accept 'i just could not bring myself to be a human today' as a valid excuse #like literally i kept thinking. j need to do this and that. but my body was like. nah #and like this job is my pride and joy. i had a spotless fucking record. im so sad and angry at myself #i just hope that when i start taking full dosage of the new meds things will smooth themselves over

[hyenabrainedpup]

Genuinely feel like im dying lmao say goodbye to baz

#/lh #this illness is SHIT #my head hurts and im so cold n achey :( #im nearing the coughing till i vomit stage which isvthe WORST one

[skunkg1rll]

im in love w him not only bc of who he is as a person nd how drawn i am to his personality, but also bc i feel like he's the only one who has ever wanted to see me. who i am, like deep down. he's the only one who i feel like i've ever connected with, in an easy nd genuine way. the only one who i feel has ever gotten me. he's the only one who's ever made me feel like we actually have a connection we're both in on, bc i havent had to pretend or put up a fake front for him bc he wanted the real image of me.

#unfortunately he has his own shit to deal w #so bc of one thing that was actually a mistake from me #he misjudged it nd saw it from his own perspective nd didnt understand mine #nd thus concluded that he saw me wrong nd didnt actually know who i am #nd then he had decided that so strongly he wasnt wven open to hear me out or try to understand what that situation was for me #that made me very sad nd hurt nd like #he doesnt actually like me as much as i like him #bc i would always always ask him nd hear him out before jumping to conclusions #i have asked him abt this but he is a wall nd doesnt wnna talk abt it #nd i cant force anyone so... yeh. it is what it is #i wish that we had the connection where he wanted to understandwhere i was coming from #instead of being like ughshe isnt the perfect image that i had constructed #so now im writing her off completely bc she doesntlive up to my expectations #but... my heart just loves him sm i can look past that #however... that is meaningless when i dont even know what he feels for me nd i cant get an answer out of him #maybe he doesnt wanna tell me bc he doesnt return my love nd he knows i'llbe hurt nd he'll risk losing me as a friend #i'd never stop talking to him tho.. that is the worst part #if imginna get over these feelings #i need to hear it straight from him. i need him to tell me thatno i am not in love with you #then i need to never talk to him again nd never lookat his social media #then it will hurt a lot but after a year or so i will only feel empty nd not hurt when i think of him #but i am tooweak to be the one to stop talking to him now #my entire day revolves around him nd i know its unhealthy but idk how to stop #since this obsession is unrequited i dont actually wanna feel it #but i have no idea how to stop #god this is driving me insane wtf is wrong w me??

[slippery-minghus]

hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.

and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.

i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.

where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).

but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?

#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady #but i don't ACT on it #and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human. #and at work we're stuck together #the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness #that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever. #bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't #i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention #i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you #you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it #it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments #to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy #and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you #that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit #like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to #modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind #and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill #3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO. #i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen #and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way #and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her! #'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!! #and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused?? #like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ? #personal #*exhales* okay i feel better now #i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!! #but until i process it i can't let go #and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow #it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!

[frecklystars]

I miss Starscream. I miss when TF wasn't a goddamn trigger

#looking at RID references for someone's commission #and crying my eyes out :') i want my starlight back #i want my fucking joy back #fuck my abuser how can you give someone ptsd and feel absolutely no remorse #how do you abuse someone relentlessly when you know they're at their worst and not give a shit #how do ppl like that exist. i can only hope karma hits u like a bus ❤ #3 years!!! of loving stsc!!! and i FLINCH at him??? i CRY when i see him?? he used to feel so safe and loving #i never felt safer with anyone else!!! and now it's like that safe feeling is so foreign. i just want to get better so bad #im so fucking empty without my special interest i dont know how to function day to day #looking at my loved ones and genuinely wholeheartedly believing they'd betray me and hurt me for my abuser #is the fucking worst feeling in the world and i wish i could go back in time and stop myself from meeting my abuser #i wish i listened to my gut i had such a bad gut feeling abt her CONSTANTLY #and yet i stayed bc she kept insisting she was gonna off herself if i didnt cater to her every emotion #over and over and over and over #i wish i could go back in time and change everything #its so hard!!!! you dont know!!! you dont know how hard this feels im struggling every day!!!! #TF was all i had and now it's gone and self shipping is supposed to be my escape #i just want my life back #i dont care what bad things happen to me if i just had stsc i know i'd get thru it but i cant anymore #everything hurts so bad all the time and im so scared im never gonna feel okay again #vent #delete later

[turtletoria]

...

#hi sorry for bein a downer but i just want to make clear that im blocking mcyt blogs on sight bc i curate my own online experience and i - #Do Not want to see that ever. theres been an uptick in ppl rebloggin my old mcyt art and while i very much appreciate that i rlly dont #want to see that shit ever!!!! i hate all my art from that era for real for real!! ive never felt so Bad! #i just really dont like the mainstream mcyters and i just remember feeling very manipulated and hurt by both the mcyters and the fanbase #i think their content is immature at best and downright hurtful at worst #so sorry if you got blocked dont take it personally i just dont want my notifs covered with art of ppl i parasocially despise #sorry i could go on and on abt how much i rlly dont like these ppl but u didnt come here to get a moral lecture from me so i'll just stop #i love the block button so if u r a mcyt blog run while u still can and please stop rbing my old mcyt art #and also. when i say downright hurtful i mean it in the harshest way. to the point my younger siblings (who r in the target demographic for #this kind of media btw) felt uncomfortable watching them. like honestly that boils my blood a little #theres fun cringe and then theres bullying cringe and i put mcyt in the latter. thanks for reading #and blah blah i know theyre not all bad every fanbase has good and bad eggs whatever man. i dont want to engage with that so i am kindly #telling yall to get out. #sliding them onto a paper with a cup and releasing them (derogatory)