#putting the slash because im beyond paranoid now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

heavyyhearts-blog · 7 years

Text

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long. another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

20 notes · View notes

madamsixx · 4 years

Text

Beyond The Leather Chapter 28: I Want To Be Your Boyfriend

I was out shopping for gifts to buy for Tommy and Heather's wedding. I didn't know what would be a good gift. I mean I always thought to myself what do you buy someone who already has everything? I looked around in a jewelry shop and settled on a his and her watch.

I haven't spoken to Lisa since we had our falling out. I really missed her and our friendship. Maybe later on I will call her. I called Slash today because I wanted to talk to him about Nikki. He said he will pick me up with Duff. Nikki's call last night really got to me. I wasn't able to sleep at all and I feel like such a crappy person for how I treated him. But in my defense I'm just trying to keep my distance from the drugs. But as Lisa pointed out every body is doing. Slash is doing it and I'm meeting up with him today.

I walked outside the store and saw Duff pull up on the side. "Hey Mani your right on time." He says looking at his watch. I got up and ran into the car. The smell of wet socks and weed hit my nose right away.

"Jesus this car stinks." I say as I'm getting in and plugging my nose. "Whine down the windows."

"Well princess Iman you can always walk to our place." Slash laughs sarcastically. "So what did you get Tommy and his wife?"

"I just got his and her watches. I couldn't think of anything else." I shrugged.

"So what's on your mind doll?" Slash asks.

"Well last night Nikki called me and he sounded really paranoid. He said there were intruders in his home hiding in his closet, his washing machine, and even under his bed." I said with a worried voice.

The boys looked at each other and started laughing. "Iman look theres nothing to worry about he'll be fine." Slash laughed.

"No Slash theres nothing to laugh about. I was really scared for him. I mean he called me for a reason. And ok in London when he nearly overdosed he ask Andy McCoy from Hanoi Rocks to bring him to my hotel room."

"Oh did he now." Duff smiled." So what else did you guys do in your hotel room?" They both started laughing again.

"Saul." I grumbled. "Ok ok geez Mani when did you become such a prude." He groaned. "Look Sixx likes you and clearly he trusts you if he's running to you every time he has a problem. And to be honest what's there not to like about you. Your a good person when your not following what your manager is telling you to do."

"What's that suppose to mean?" I hissed.

"It means you need to live a little. You need to break out of the shell she's keeping you in. And your mommy dearest isn't here so you don't need to report to her like your a soldier and she's your commander." Duff buds in.

"Um who told you about me and my moms relationship?" I questioned Duff.

It goes silent in the car.

Slash takes a cigarette out of his pocket and lights it up. "The point is." He laughs hesitantly. "You need to live. Were going out tonight and your coming."

"Ok but I'm only staying-"

"Iman shut the fuck up! Your staying out till what ever time we tell you too!" Slash yelled.

We finally pull up to a complex it was really small. We got out of the car and walked into there home. Again I was hit with the smell of weed, booze, and sweat. Izzy was passed out on the couch and Steven was snorting up coke off of the table.

"Oh shit Mani what the fuck?" He looked at me shocked. "No one told me you were coming. I would have cleaned up." He looked at the boys.

"Hey Steven." I walked over and hugged him.

The place was filthy there were dirty dishes piled up in the sink, half eaten food was scattered on the table, the walls were peeling, and there were clothes everywhere. How could any one live like this.

"So wheres Axl?" I asked. "He's in his room. He's a bit pissed for some reason so don't bother him." Steven warns.

"Ok." I look down at the so called chair that they had in there living room. I didn't want to be rude but at the same time I did. I cringed when I saw a roach run into the inside of the cushion.

"Sit." Duff got up and pushed me onto the couch making me squeal and get up fast in fear that the roach got on me.

"What... what happened." Izzy woke up in panic. The boys started laughing and I was aggravated.

"Say while your here we need a womans touch. Can you clean up the kitchen and cook something for us." Slash asked kicking his feet up on the table while smoking another cigarette.

"Seriously." I laugh humorously. "I came for advice and your asking me to clean up and cook for you?" I crossed my arms.

"The advice you got in the car." Duff spoke up. "So you have to repay us back by at least cleaning the kitchen and cooking something for us." Duff walked over to the fridge and grabbed a beer.

I groaned and walked over to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and noticed there were no groceries in there for me to even cook anything.

"It would help if you guys had groceries." I pointed out.

"Go buy some we'll still be here. Plus were going out tonight. So when we pick you up, bring the groceries with you." Slash laughed.

I scoffed and started heading for the door.

"Uh doll." Duff spoke up. I turned to look at him. "The kitchen isn't finished being cleaned. Even princesses have to do dirty work." He laughed.

Ugh ass holes. I walked back to the kitchen and started cleaning it up for them. Don't ask me why?

Later on at night...

I started getting ready for the night I was going to have out with Guns. I was hoping that Lisa would be there too seeing as there was something going on between her and Axl. And well also I didn't want to be the only girl tagging along.

I put on a silver short dress and put my hair up in a pony tail. I wore matching silver stelletoes and put a small black jacket over my shoulders to finish up my look. Slash said we were going to the Rainbow. At first I was hesitant because Tamara had told me never to go back there again. And here I was getting ready to go there again. I called the office were Tamara was and told her that I would be out with Lisa. She expected me home by 11. I don't know if Slash would approve but theres nothing I can do.

I grabbed my little wrist purse and the groceries bags I promised to buy and headed downstairs. I waited in the lobby until I heard a knock on the door. I saw Slash waving for me to come out. I headed over to him.

"Here are your groceries." I said with a sarcastic voice holding the bags up.

"Thanks doll I'll put those in the trunk." Steven got out of the car and took the groceries from me and put them in the trunk. I got into the car and we took off.

"That's is not an outfit for the Rainbow Iman." Slash chuckled.

"Well that's too bad." I hiss. This dress was made more for a modeling event. But im choosing to wear it at the Rainbow.

"You are certainly going to get picked up by a fellow at the Rainbow." Izzy piped up putting his arms around my shoulder.

"I am not talking to any guys there and I hope they don't talk to me." I warn.

We got to the Rainbow and the boys were already a mess. They got drunk, did drugs, were loud, and grabbing girls left and right. But im not here to judge. But places like this were not my scene. And being here with out any girlfriends or friends was awkward. Especially because I don't drink alcohol or snort drugs. So I just sat randomly at the bar looking at people drunk or high.

"What's a pretty little thing like you doing in a raunchy place like this?"

I turned around to see a guy or could be a girl with wild long hair and plump lips looking at me. "I...I'm sorry what?" I stuttered.

"You don't belong in a place this." He leaned closer to me smiling.

"What ever." I scoffed drinking my cranberry juice and turning away from him.

He chuckled and got up to walk in front of me. "I meant that with no disrespect. I just mean if I was a guy taking you out I would take you to the most extravagant restaurant there is around here." He smiled looking me up and down.

"I'm not into fancy restaurants. And I'm here with my friends. Guns n Roses." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh shit really? I love those guys." He flipped his hair. "I watched them play a couple times down at the Troubadour."

"Are you a rock star?" I asked with raised brows.

"Not yet but I'm gonna be. And when I do become one and I'm making shit loads of cash. I'm going to take you out on a date." He spoke softly.

I scoffed, "I don't think so." I say with attitude and turn away from him again.

He chuckled and walked closer to me. "I think so. I'm a gentleman and ladies such as your self deserve gentleman's." He signaled for the bartender to come to us.

"I don't have a lot but how much is her drink?" He asked the bartender.

"No you don't have to!" I wave my hands.

"$5.75." The bartender spoke. He placed the money down on the table and the bartender took it.

"I could have payed for it myself." I looked at him with annoyance.

"I said I was a gentleman." He smiled.

He's actually really cute.

"My names Sebastian... Sebastian Bach." He smiled.

"Iman Darlington." I smiled back.

"God I hope I see you again." He took my hand and gave me a sweet kiss on the back of it.

I felt like I had butterflies in my stomach. He walked out of the Rainbow with his long hair blowing in the wind. Lord help me.

2:34 am

The boys dropped me back home and I couldn't wait to take off my heels and get undressed. I tip toed to Tamara's room and noticed she wasn't home. I was startled when I heard the phone ring. I walked back to the living room to answer it.

"Hello!"

"You were suppose to be back at the condo for 11!" She snapped.

I sighed. "I'm sorry I went out with Lisa and ended up seeing Slash. We came back late."

"Iman can't you make better friends. I mean really. Use your break to hang out with Rachel. Hopefully some of her stuck up attitude can rub on you." "Anyways I wont be back till tomorrow morning around 10. I can call Jess if you want her to-"

"No I'm good I don't need a babysitter Tammi."

"Ok alright honey call me if anything. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ok good night." I hung the phone up walking away to my room when I heard it ring again.

"Tammi I said I was ok." I raised my voice.

"Mani."

I paused for a second hearing Nikki's voice. I was hoping he wasn't a paranoid mess today again.

"N...Nikki are you alright?"

"Can you please come over?" His voice sounded shakey.

"To your home? I asked.

"Yes."

"Nikki it's late I can't"

"I need you. Please!" He cried.

"Give me your adress?" ____

The car drove up to the front gate of the house. I couldn't see the house properly because all the lights were off and it was night time. I whined the window down in the back seat and pressed the buzzer.

"Who is it?" What do you want?" He sounded paranoid.

"It's me Nikki. Its Mani." I replied hesitantly.

The gates than opened and we drove in. I told my driver to wait for me because I wasn't going to be long. I got out of the car and headed up his stone steps. I knocked on the door several times but there was no answer. I twisted the door knob and to my pleasure the door was unlocked. I let my self in and the house was dark except for a little light that was beaming through one room.

I walked around the house. It was a single level home and I noticed there three bedrooms and two bathrooms. The house was interior decorated with red velvet hangings, gothic furniture, antiques and gargoyles that loom at you out of the darkness. It was creepy being in here.

I walked towards the light that was coming out of one of the rooms. I slowly opened the door and saw Nikki. He was holding his pillow sobbing listening to his answering machine. I walked closer to him and listened to the machine play two messages.

BEEP

Frankie this is your mom. I know that your busy being a big star and all. I'd just really like to talk to you sometime call me back.

BEEP

You must have gotten the selfish gene from your father. This is selfish what your doing. I just... I just miss you frankie. Talk to me please. Dammit frankie.

End of Messages

It was his mom, my heart was aching for him. I walked to the answer machine and deleted both of the messges.

"Don't listen to a single thing that she says Nikki. It's not worth it she's not worth it. She's not worth crying over." I calmly spoke.

I moved and sat down beside him and started brushing his hair with my fingertips. I felt guilty for the way I treated him when I was in Italy. I could tell now that he was a very hurt an lonely person. I didn't want to just leave him here by himself.

"Why the fuck did you come?" He sneered.

"Because you asked me too Nikki." I snapped back at him.

He scoffed. "So now all of a sudden you care about me?"

I furrowed my brows. "Nik I always cared about you." I whispered.

"No one cares about me!" He raised his voice. "Not my mom, not my dad, not my band mates. And you especially!" He says sobbing and squeezing his pillow tighter.

"Nikki I do care about you, that's why I came when you called. That's why in London when you nearly overdosed I took care of you. I care about you so it scares me." I mumble and look down at the bed.

He lifted himself up on his elbows and looked at me with his piercing green eyes that had tears all over them.

"What scares you?" He asks with confusion.

I stay silent and just stare at the sheets not wanting to look at him. He leaned and shuffled closer to me. He lifted my chin up with his finger for me to look at him. He leaned closer to face me with his lips barley brushing mine.

"What scares you princess?" He asks again.

"How I feel about you." I breathlessly reply.

He leans forward and kisses my lips. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me on the bed with our lips still together and lays me down beside him. I kick off my flats and pull my lips away from him catching my breath. He brushes the side of my face with his thumb.

"Mani." He whispers.

"Yes." I reply.

"I want to be your boyfriend."

#motley crue #nikki sixx #vince neil #tommy lee #mick mars #thedirt #model #chanel iman #bwwm wmbw

1 note · View note