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leesjuicycalves · 3 days

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OBSESSED

MDNI.....18+.......MINORS DO NOT INTERACT......18+

You were more than excited to finally move into your own apartment after spending the last twenty two years living with your family. They were a delight but between the two nosy sisters you had, your tattletale brother, an insecure dad that wouldn’t let you go out without an intense interrogation and a wannabe genZ mom that pried into every single thing in your life hoping to be your bestie, you needed space. You loved the fact that your parents cared but it was getting too much and you just had to move out. The place you got was relatively okay, spacious enough for one person and probably one or two pets, but pets was something you hadn’t planned for yet so that’d have to wait for the future. It wasn’t that far from the restaurant you worked at, just an hour drive away, not that far from your university and it wouldn’t be that hard to visit your family from there either. The environment was pretty cool, serene and lovely, the neighbors were also very lovely and gave you a warm welcome even helping you get settled in. You took a liking to one in particular; a puppy looking man who looked slightly older than you by a year or two. He later introduced himself as Seungmin one night when he was helping you paint your walls, he had insisted on staying back even though you assured that you’d be fine after all the big help he had already offered. You found out that he was indeed two years older than you and you even went to the same university surprisingly taking the same classes, you also found out that he owned a dog and liked playing the piano. You insisted on a solo concert which he gladly accepted to give and from then on you became close friends with him showing you around the area since it was a bit new to you and you giving him a ride to school to repay his never ending kindness.

Seungmin loved your company more than you could ever imagined, in fact he loved every bit of you way, way more; he liked to think of it as love at first sight. When he had come back home late in the evening when you first moved there and saw the commotion around the neighborhood he had wondered what had gotten everyone in such a frenzy. Mrs. Sweeny, an elderly woman that lived adjacent your apartment had told her that a sweet princess had moved in next to him, he had obviously scoffed at the description intrigued by the way the lady had chosen to put it. He just hoped that this so called princess was not as much of a pain as his last neighbor that Mrs. Sweeny had interestingly described as a fairy. If anything, he thought that his last neighbor was nothing but a filthy little goblin, and that’s how he referred to her. She was nothing but noisy, slutty and far too disgusting to be termed as a lady; at least that’s what Seungmin saw in her. He was way over the moon when she finally moved out and there was a bit of tranquility around.

When he saw you he somehow became so much happier that his goblin neighbor decided to move away, Mrs. Sweeny was far off when he called you a sweet princess. To him you were a goddess, absolutely stunning and celestial with beauty that seemed too good to have ordinary mortals stare at. He loved everything about you; from your radiant smile that never seemed to fade off your face, your caramel skin that glowed non-stop to your soothing soft yet somewhat guttural voice that ringed across the air. He was simply in awe of your beauty and your entire presence, he wanted you all for himself. He of course made it quick to join the cavalry and help you settle in as fast as possible, too excited in the thought of having such a charming neighbor. You hadn’t noticed him at first but that was ok, you had the rest of your life to be with him. Your personality was as lovely as you looked, sweet, gentle and kind. ‘So very delicate’, he thought as he saw you interact with the other neighbors. He didn’t like that, didn’t like how you were giving them attention and not him, so he made it his mission to make himself the only person you would talk and turn to. He made it his goal that he would be your best friend and probably more and he would protect you from anyone and anything no matter what it took.

That’s why he follows you out when you go on errands, that’s why he told you he also goes on morning runs and likes spending time in the park late in the evening on weekends when he noticed you took a liking to it. Thank goodness you go to the same uni and take the exact same classes, to him this was the universe telling him that you were meant for each other. A destiny written in the stars, that was what you and his relationship was. And that’s exactly why he got a job at the restaurant you worked in even though the pay was a tad bit lower than what he earned at the coffee shop he previously worked in. Both of you spending time at the park became a habitual thing and he liked that. He loved hearing you complain about how draining the week was, how school work was taking much of your time, how you hadn’t made that much friends because everyone was shittier than expected. He was glad and mad; glad that he was your only solace and mad that anyone would try and be a jerk to you. He loved hearing you talk about your siblings and how annoying they were, he loved hearing you talk about how lovely the previous city you lived in was. He didn’t like you talking about your first crush or your last two ex-lovers that broke your trust and heart, if it were up to him he would bury them six feet under for making you suffer. You deserved so much better than some cheating horny bastards, you deserved the world and he would give you that. He didn’t like how you sometimes mentioned your first love (but he didn’t that was the case if you didn’t last long with him) and how much of a good kisser he was, or how close you were to giving yourself to him if it wasn’t for your nosy brother and his tattle-telling. He didn’t know your brother but he was glad he messed around and he was glad you had the father that you had. He wanted to be the one to corrupt you, the one to make you feel good, the first to feel you in every way possible.

It didn’t really shock him when he started having such thoughts of you. Thoughts of you and him so close that he could hear your heartbeat against his own, thoughts of feeling your soft skin without the barriers of your clothes, thoughts of you pressed against him moaning out his name in your sweet sweet voice. He needed more of you than he already had and this lead him to keeping the piece of handkerchief you dropped while running out of class one evening. He had promised himself to give it back when you drove back home together but the smell of you was too intoxicating, surely you had more than one handkerchief. Then he saw your wash cloth out in the laundry line, why not keep that too. Your body wash smelt nice, it was exactly how you smelt. Before he knew it, Seungmin had at least half of your panties and tiny bits of your clothes in his room and he loved every single bit of it, the smell of you.

“Jason has a bit of a weird side, I found him wearing my recently washed sweats a few days ago. I told you he was a creep.”

That’s what he told you when you asked if there were usually robberies in the neighborhood and that’s how he made sure you never interacted with one of your other neighbors again.

“Here, just in case Lola gets out again you can take her inside and feed her if I don’t get back sooner,” he had given you the spare keys to his apartment when you told him that his dog was fond of getting out these days since he ‘accidentally’ left the doggy door open. You had fought against the idea but Seungmin was adamant on it saying that he didn’t want Lola ruining your carpet or couch.

He loved how his living room would just be engulfed by you after you left his apartment, the smell of your hair shampoo and body perfume still left lingering on his couch and every surface that you touched. The sweet hazy smell of your perfume making his head spin, blood rushing straight to his cock, leading him to spend endless hours of the night on the very same couch you sat on fisting his hard member thinking of how your luscious caramel skinned thighs looked under the short satin skirt you wore. On nights he felt needier he would hump at your panties, satisfied by the fact that his dick was rubbing against the same fabric that covered your cunt, he would cum harder on those nights getting off the fact that he recently found out you were very much into bondage. You hadn’t planned on telling this to him of course, it just slipped out when you were concentrated on the movie you were watching that night after feeding Lola.

You weren’t stupid. You knew what Seungmin was doing, you knew what he was up to. At first you were excited to have found someone who shared the same interests as you, someone who kind of understood your perspective of life; you were glad he was your neighbor. But for a person who liked spending time to themselves, Seungmin sure did go out a lot. You remember the first day you had gotten there, Mrs. Sweeny was the first person to speak to you. Telling you about everyone and everything in the neighborhood. About your shy and quiet neighbor that always spent time indoors lest he was going to work, school or walking out his dog, it was unfortunate that she couldn’t remember his name even though they lived close to each other for a long time. Blame it on her old age. So when you finally had the chance to speak to Seungmin on that warm night, your face covered in spots of lilac purple and your hands completely soaked in that color, you found Mrs. Sweeny’s description of him contradicting to what he was putting across. From that little rendezvous that you had, you had told him lots about yourself; not that you were intending on hiding anything (like he was supposedly doing, or so you thought). You were just free like that, presenting yourself out to the world. And strangely enough he was on board every single thing you said, claiming he liked the exact same stuff and you were happy about it.

From Mrs. Sweeny’s description, Seungmin made very good coffee and he loved work at his current job at the nearby coffee shop so him showing up to the restaurant you worked in as the new cashier was fishy. He could have gotten fired but why not find another coffee shop if you really loved the job. You had a hunch but you didn’t wanna jump into conclusions. However, the hunch was becoming more of the truth by each passing day. You took note on how Seungmin immediately made you his group partner in school, on how he changed seats as soon as he found out you took the same classes, on how he would ‘coincidentally’ time you as you left for work in the afternoons even though his shift was not until later in the evening. On how he would insist on waiting for you when your shift stretched late into the night, on how he would always walk a tad bit closer as you both strolled in the park on weekends, on how his eyes would falter down to your lips for a spilt second when you yapped out your stories. On how his face contorted into disgust and pure disapproval when you told him that Jason had offered to take you on a date soon. You certainly took notice of how happy he was when you had agreed on having his spare key so you could take Lola inside.

You hadn’t intended on being in his room, you really hadn’t. Lola was throwing a fit wanting her favorite toy and had dragged you in Seungmin’s room to look for it. That’s when it was no longer a hunch. Photos and polaroids of you on his wall, your missing garments laid out on his bed, was that your skin care routine he had written too? He was obsessed with you, infatuated! You didn’t know whether to freak out or be flattered honestly, it was all too much and you wouldn’t let him know that you knew. Maybe, you would help feed his infatuation a little more, just to make sure you were totally right. He took the clothes you hang out on the next day and you were sure of it when you went to feed Lola that evening. Your panties on his bed but this time with a stain of white on it. So he wanted you that bad, huh?

You were both done with the end semester exam, a period that drained a whole lot of shit out of you. The restaurant was closed for a month undergoing some needed renovations so that meant you were off work for some time. There was usually a week’s break after the exams so you had time to rest and probably do some thorough spring cleaning around the house. You were just coming from the shower when your doorbell rung, you quickly put on the closest piece of clothing you could find. A large sweatshirt that reached up to your thighs, and rushed to open the door. Seungmin hadn’t seen you since the exam ended and frankly he was not having it. Sure you might have needed rest and all but he needed to see you, staring at your pictures endlessly wasn’t working anymore.

“Hey, Minnie,” you greeted cheerfully as soon as you got the door open.

That fucking nickname, he missed hearing his name fall from your soft lips. Moreover, he missed seeing your perfect sculptured body and you coming out in a fucking thigh high sweatshirt was not making it easier for him to control his dirty thoughts.

“H-hi y/n-ie, I brought cookies,” he softly says lifting up the box of freshly baked cookies he had bought to use as an excuse to come and see you.

“Great, come in. I’ll make coffee.” You say calmly as you open the door wider to let him in.

He was in your home, he was in your fucking home. Well, he had been there before since he helped you get the place together and all. But this, this was different. At that time the apartment was still, well just an apartment, mostly reminding him of his previous goblin neighbor. But now it was your apartment, completely soaked with you, it had more of your vibe than he had actually imagined. The lilac color he had helped you paint really suites you, super clean and tidy; Seungmin fears he’ll dirty your couch if he sits on it.

You notice him staring around mouth hang open in daze and fidgeting cutely by the couch armrest, his hands push his glasses back into his face from the bridge of his nose. You didn’t know he wore glasses, come to think of it you’ve never seen him with them on.

“You can sit Minnie,” you tell him as you tie your hair into a tiny bun smiling softly at him.

“I’ve never seen you wear glasses though, you look cute” you shout from the kitchen that’s just adjacent to the living room. You don’t hear him answer back and you bet he’s blushing out of his wits.

After a few minutes of bustling around in the kitchen Seungmin finally sees you emerge from there with two hot coffee mugs. You waddle in the space that’s between him and the table in front of him and slightly bend to place the mugs softly on it. He didn’t mean to look (he did, that’s why he peeped), but he was sure whatever he saw was not it. Maybe it was as a result of his endless string of dirty thoughts that made him see things or maybe he needed new glasses cause there was no way he just got to see a tad bit of your bare ass, he was just crazy and horny.

You settle down across Seungmin after plating the cookies and grab the mug slurping soundly from it.

“Wow Seungmin these are really good,” you hum in appreciation after taking a bite out of one of the cookies.

“Am glad you like them,” he answers softly behind the mug he’s holding. He's taken his glasses off to prevent fogging by the hot coffee and you wished he'd keep them on a tad longer.

The both of you sit in silence for a couple of minutes just enjoying the little dessert that he brought with him, slurping and chewing sounds punctuating the room. You only get up after you're both done to take the dirty dishes back to the kitchen.

“Thanks a lot Minnie, the cookies were really great. I had actually forgotten about eating,” you say settling back on the sofa across him.

“What? Why?” He asks worry written all over his face.

“I’ve been doing a bit of spring cleaning around, been busy since the crack of dawn. I was actually done just a few minutes before you came by, straight from the shower. Nice timing or you would have found my apartment upside down.” You say with a chuckle at the end.

Or maybe he would have seen you with your towel on, wet hair and all, water still dripping from your face down your smooth skin. So wet and sexy and hot, just for him to see. He would have unwrapped the towel from around your body, dropped to his knees right then and there by the door to worship you and unravel you. Take you apart piece by piece.

“Oh that’s nice, I can’t get anything done with Lola around the house. It would just be like doing nothing if you know what I mean,” he’s now getting comfortable, the tension that he was feeling, mostly due to his ungodly and untimely hormonal thoughts oozing away. Seungmin sinks into the couch a little further settling his hands on the couch head, you copy his movements but have your legs crossed on the couch.

Fuck. Fucking hell, fuuuuck. How was he not supposed to look now? He wasn’t dreaming, it wasn’t his guttered thoughts, it was you. You were literally bare pussied right in front of him. No panties under your little dress shirt, no shorts no nothing. Just your beautiful bare-self right in front of him and God you were more beautiful than he had ever imagined. He wanted to touch you, the urge to just scoot that damn table aside and drop his knees right in front of you grew ten times fold.

It was a tough struggle but he was gonna try and cage his urges even though he truly didn’t want to. For the next half an hour or so both of you spent talking about nothing and everything, Seungmin not really paying attention to your words but how the skin of your exposed cunt would move about when you moved your legs, each time seemingly opening them wider for him. He had to fucking touch you, he had to feel you under his fingertips and he had to taste you in his mouth. You were surely playing mind games with him, you knew what you were doing right? You planned this, you wanted him just as bad, that’s why you resorted to acting like such a slut in front of him. That’s the only reasonable explanation, right? If his attention is what you need, that is exactly what he’ll give you.

“It’s not really that complicated but you know philosophy is kind of dense and-”

You were so taken in by your conversation that you didn’t seem to notice Seungmin move from his seat to where you were, he was now standing right in front of you towering your seated form.

“Wh-what’s the matter?” You ask slightly flustered by his sudden shift in positions, but he doesn’t answer you. He just wordlessly drops to his knees in front of you.

“S-seung are you okay, what’s gotten-”

“You’re a fucking tease you know that y/n?” he softly speaks eyes glued to your legs crossed on the couch.

“What are you talking about?”

He chuckles, finally lifting is head to look up at you and you see something in his eyes that you’ve never seen before. He grins at your flustered state, right hand smoothing over your exposed thigh skin.

“You do. You sit here having yourself displayed in front of me,” his hand trails higher into your thigh.

“Showing off this gorgeous cunt, all for me,” his fingers finally graze across your exposed cunt and you shudder. “Showing me it so I can know how slutty you are, you want me to fuck you baby?”

It’s crazy how his voice can change from being condescending to sweet in just mere seconds but that has you slicking in your pussy and you’re sure he can feel it.

“I-I didn’t know. I swear, I was from the shower when you knocked so I…I forgot,” you words come out airy and low. Too embarrassed and now too turned on to speak. Seungmin chuckles and pinches at your clit, you try not to moan so you bite hard on your lower lip.

“That’s bull y/n, we both know you want me just as much. That’s why you have this cute pussy out for me, wet and all needy.” He presses his fingers hard on your pussy, there’s no way you can stay quiet. You let out a low groan your grip on the couch tightening.

“Seung- Seungmin I don’t think- ahhhhh,” you try to protest his ministrations but it’s too late, he has your legs untangled and off the couch, hurriedly pushed apart on the floor. His lips quickly parch onto your wet cunt lapping like a mad man.

You try to move his face away from you, squirm away from his touch but his grip on your thighs is tight and unquavering. You honestly don’t know what youre fighting and why youre fighting it. You hadn’t intended on parading your pussy in front of Seungmin but you’re glad you did and you really like where it’s led you. Your hands previously settled on the couch fly to Seungmin’s head, fingers interlocking in his soft locks tugging at them every time his tongue prods at your entrance.

Your hands tug harder when his wet muscle makes way into your gushing hole, slurping and twirling it just right against your walls. His nose is brushing right against your clit tickling you to give you just the right amount of stimulation every time he moves his head to angle his tongue deeper into you. Your stomach twists in a pleasurable way when Seungmin bites lightly at your puffy pussy then replaces his tongue with two of his long fingers at once, pumping hard and deeper than where his tongue was and before you can register anything you gush out and cum all around his fingers with a long strained moan.

You don’t say anything for the next few seconds, the room only filled with your heavy breathing and the sound of Seungmin licking your essence off his fingers. When you’re breathing calms you lift your head off the couch head and look down on Seungmin, you notice his very much hard member poking from his jeans and you feel yourself wanting more. He’s not looking up at you, his head is hanged and you think his eyes might be closed. His breath is a little bit faster than usual, seemingly he hadn’t still calmed down from your little….episode.

You don’t want it to end here, you need more of him on you, inside of you. He was right, you wanted him just as much as he did you. He was the reason why you would spend hours on your cold bed, fingers buried deep in your cunt, after spending the entire day with him acting all innocent when he was in true sense the most perverted one between the two of you. The idea of him humping your panties, of him fisting his cock at the thought of you made you tingle with so much need and the image of your panties stained with his cum was always enough to bring you over the edge.

Both of you still haven’t said anything and you start to think that maybe you were wrong about what Seungmin wants, maybe you were over your head? You trail your foot that’s next to his knee up and press directly onto is hard on, he winces and grips your foot hard. You hold your breath afraid that you were indeed wrong, but before you could get over your head in thoughts again, your legs are off the floor and you are lying flat on your back with Seungmin towering over your form on the couch. You look up at him eyes wide, shocked and flustered and completely unaware of his next move but that doesn’t last long as soon enough he lowers himself to you and captures your lips in a heated kiss. It takes you a minute to kiss back but when you start moving your lips in sync to his, he has his tongue already prodding into your mouth licking into all the corners of your mouth sucking the living daylights out of your tongue. Your moans and groans completely swallowed and muffled by him, his hands are tracing up your thighs kneading and caressing the skin of it. He intentionally ghosts over your sensitive cunt and you audibly whine making him bite at your lower lip.

So you both wanted the exact same thing, good to know. Seungmin’s hands are still all over your lower body. Feeling and grabbing at every part of your exposed skin; except where you want him the most and it utterly frustrates you. You try and wiggle your body so that you follow his hands but then he completely takes his hands off you, you feel him smirk against your lips. Which also has you wondering how he can kiss you for that long without running out of breath. His hands trail up your body only to be met by the restraint of your baggy dress shirt, he growls and finally detaches from your lips to tug the shirt off. You lift your hands up to help him take it off but he keeps the shirt around your wrists and makes some sort of make shift bondage tying your wrists together; hard enough that youre sure they’ll be a bruise but you don’t mind, above your head. He stares down at his work and smirks in satisfaction, his eyes rake over your upper body and he mouths a quiet ‘fuck’ staring at your naked breasts.

“Min-” you mewl wiggling your body against the couch. He doesn’t do much though, just sits on his knees staring down at your helpless body, glassy doe eyes looking up at him in desperation and full on neediness and lust. His hands feather across the skin of your tummy and you can do nothing but keen, only giving you light touches opposite to how he was when going down on you.

Seungmin so wants to ruin you, fold you in half and pound into you until you can’t take it anymore but he also doesn’t want this moment to end. He still thinks that he might be stuck in one of his many day dreams about you so he wants to savor this moment for as long as he can, milk it for what it’s worth. He wants to worship every inch of you like he so wished to, he wants to take you apart oh so slow. Your whining takes the better of him though and he finally gives in to his own will as well, his erection is getting more painful as it is. His hands grope both your breasts and you let out a sigh of satisfaction, he twirls your hardened nipples around his index finger and thumb pinching at them making you arch your back. He gets back to kissing you while fondling with your breasts and you take the opportunity of the proximity to grind up against him.

“Fuck, you’re needy bitch aren’t you?” he says in a contemplating tone all while working his jeans off his body.

“Need- fuck…Min…need you inside,” you babble out.

“Shhh, I got you,” he coos at you rubbing his shaft on your folds coating him with your wetness.

You yelp in surprise when Seungmin suddenly lifts your legs and positions them to a mating press holding you by the ankles and just like you wanted he slams inside of you in one go pushing the entirety of his length into your gaping waiting hole. The stretch gained by his action has you moaning in a high pitch voice, his long and fairly thick shaft touching all the right places inside you. Seungmin stays still for a couple of seconds relishing in the warmth of your tight cunt and its only when you clench around him that he starts to move in and out of you in an agonizingly slow pace.

“Seung- Seungmin I….please…..faster….plea-mmpppphhhh,” he shuts you up with a kiss as slow as his thrusting pace but you don’t need him to be this gentle. You need him to fuck your brains dumb. You try to move your body in tandem with his thrusting so he hits deeper but that doesn’t do much rather than get Seungmin growling above you.

“Seung, please go fas-faster….pl-please…please,” youre on the verge of tears now and it’s not that what youre asking for is impossible, it just seems like Seungmin gets pleasure in seeing you beg and all frustrated.

“It’s okay baby. Fuck….such a tight pussy,” he grunts and finally starts moving his hips in the rhythm you want him to his tip kissing at your cervix. His grip on your ankles tightens as his thrusts get harder and faster, balls deep inside you, the room filled with the lewd sound of your skins slapping against each other.

“Sh-shit, so wet…..so tight. You like hard baby mmh? This what you wanted….Am. I. Fucking. You. Right,” he speaks as he thrusts harder into you letting go of one of your ankles to support his arm on the couch.

“Y-yes, yes, yes, yes….harder Minnie….nghhhhh. L-like it rough…s’ just right. So big and long….i love it…ahhh…d-don’t stop….please. You have no idea if youre making sense or not but you don’t care, all you need at the time is for Seungmin to keep pounding you, and he does. Relentlessly pushing his cock into you deeper and deeper that you can see the tip of it poking against your tummy. He pounds into you over and over hitting at your g spot just right, the sound of his balls slapping against your skin and the squelching sounds of your cunt every time he pulls back in and out short circuits your brain and all you can think of now is his sweet release inside you, on you, all over you.

“Cumming, am cumming. Inside…Minnie do it inside….o-on my tits…on my p-pussy. Fuck wanna taste,” you’re completely gone when you finally release around his shaft but he doesn’t stop also chasing his own.

“Shi- fucking hell,” Seungmin releases inside you finally and hurriedly pulls out just to angle his cock over your chest and watch his fluids gush out on your breasts. You have your mouth opened hoping that you’ll get to taste some of it but you don’t and that has you pouting. Seungmin chuckles at you and prods a finger at where yours and his cum is flowing out of you, pushing it back in and you squirm from the overstimulation.

“So much for spring cleaning your couch,” he says and falls on top of you. You gladly accommodate his weight wrapping your legs around his naked waist, hands snaking into his hair.

“Technically this was your fault, you have most of my panties at your place,” you say flatly and he’s quick to get off of you so he can hopefully read the expression on your face.

“I-uh….well….it wasn’t…am not,” he tries to stammer out a response and you think he’s cute considering he just ruined your insides a few seconds prier.

“Am not complaining though,” you say sweetly and you can see his face relax. You pull him back to your embrace, his heart is still beating fast from his little secret being exposed and you chuckle at that.

“Date?” He speaks after regaining his exposure.

“How about you tie both my hands and legs this time and probably blindfold me and fuck me much harder?” you say cheekily and seeming that Seungmin’s response was to carry you over his shoulder to your room, you knew he preferred this option way more than the date.

Re-blog if you liked it please.....😽☺️

#indie thoughts #stray kids #skz x reader #stray kids x you #seungmin smut #seungmin x reader #seungmin x y/n #seungmin x you #kim seungmin smut #skz imagines #stray kids smut #skz smut

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fanfictilltheend · 23 hours

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❤️‍🔥Violent Heart Part 1: ♪All I've ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you ♫ (or the VERY DARK Stepdad!Mechanic!Covict!Joel x Afab!you one)❤️‍🔥

A/n: It's here!!!!!! This took me 7 freaking months so you mofos better like, reblog, and comment. This is both my most and least personal fic I've ever written and it is dark and relies heavily on plot (no smut until part 2 but i swear it's worth the backstory!!!!) READ ALL OF THE TAGS DO NOT COME FOR ME UNLESS YOU DID THIS FR FR. This ones for my dark joel fangirlies(guys and NBies) and the daddy issues fam ily ❤️‍🔥 (also not me naming my fic in part after hallelujah by leonard cohen but there is a reason!!!!!!!!!!)

Summary: The story starts with Part 1 where afab!Y/N is a child and Joel is her new stepdad and this story explores their relationship. Themes of abusive family, domestic violence, child abuse, daddy issues, physical violence, murder, stepcest (kinda b/c he is divorced from her mom technically but she grew up with him as her stepdad), infidelity, age gap, and more are explored throughout the fic. PLEASE READ SPECIFIC TAGS (part 2 tags will be added with the release of part 2). Part 2 picks up with Y/N at age 20 and how her relationship with Joel has changed and gets steamier. NOTHING SEXUAL OCCURS BETWEEN Y/N and JOEL until Y/N is 20!!!!!!! Also check out this playlist of music that's in the fic!!!!

Tags (PLEASE READ): Afab!you, stepdad!joel, mechanic!joel, convict!joel, no apocalypse au, Mentions of sex (little detail), mentions of male masturbation, infidelity, domestic abuse/violence, sibling abuse/violence (no one ever talks about sibling abuse but it’s very real), physical child abuse, neglect, allusions to past domestic violence, cursing, brief mention of pedophilia and kidnapping (David), allusions to committing future pedophilia (David), threats, cancer mention, Sarah death discussion, Tommy death mention, murder, prison, mentions of god and religion, fights, general violence, alcohol consumption, using music lyrics to move the plot, daddy issues, use of y/n

Word Count: ~15k

PART 2 (coming soon)

Ao3 Link

Violent Heart Masterlist

Full Masterlist of all my work

Joel Miller is not a good man, that he knows like the backs of his calloused hands.

He knows loss too, feels it burrowed in the hollow cavity of his chest. Sees it in the face of every little girl he meets.

The memories sting.

He knows pain, deep in the depths of his character, down to the fundamentals of what makes him something that resembles a human being. The belts, the bigger hands, the harsh words, and then the grief. The recent Bring back my babygirl! The ancient ¡Basta, Papí, por favor, no Tommy, no Mamá! ¡Por favor no esta noche! The indignity of begging, always reduced to begging to a cruel man, an indifferent doctor, a cruel universe.

He knows hard work, how to work with his hands. He knows the grit and grease of labor. Sees the cogs turning in the engines he fixes, relates to them. Feels like he knows them intimately because he is one too, chugging along day after endless day. But no one dares fix Joel Miller.

Until…

Her name is Erica and she’d like her front bumper replaced, please. She has long eyelashes and a soothing voice. And she has money too, at least more than he, who is almost broke from the cost of Sarah’s medical bills. She comes with baggage, Joel can tell from looking into her eyes, but then again so does he. And he hasn’t been laid in god knows how long.

She takes him on a date and he lets her. She reveals she has two kids, but Joel doesn’t care. They fuck at her place while the kids are at school and she wants it soft, like her hands, and that’s how Joel gives it to her.

A week later, Joel has moved in, which is good because his rent was due and he couldn’t pay it. He still hasn’t met the children.

***

It’s Joel’s day off and he’s sitting on the couch in his new home. His back hurts, but that’s nothing new. He’s got an excellent view of their nice, big backyard with a wooden fence. The kind of home he would have liked to have given Sarah. He sighs. Technically, nothing is wrong.

Then he sees it. It takes him a second to realize what is going on. It’s a whirlwind. He sees the back gate open and two tumbling forms fall over the threshold onto the manicured grass. One form is bigger, a boy of about twelve or thirteen beating the shit out of a much smaller form, fists flying. The other form is a little girl, no more than eight, defending herself like her life depends on it. Perhaps it does with the way he’s going at her.

This must be the son, Aiden, and the daughter, Y/N.

He’s a good boy, really, but he has anger issues sometimes. He’s been through a lot. That’s what Erica said, but Joel does not see a good boy. He sees a bully. A disproportionately violent one at that. Nothing that tiny girl could have possibly done could warrant the brutality he sees before him.

Anger is something else Joel knows intimately, and that is what he greets when he runs outside to end the fray.

“Stop that!” he roars, pulling Aiden off of Y/N.

“Who the fuck are you!?” the boy screams, fury and hatred radiating off of his entire being.

He continues thrashing and punching at nothing as Joel restrains him.

“I’m gonna kill her!” he screams, his eyes bulging.

“What the hell happened?” Joel growls, still holding onto the livid boy–verging on young man.

“She ripped up my paper!” he bellows. “For no fucking reason! I worked hard on it!”

“It was a lie,” she says with so much conviction Joel almost flinches.

He looks down at the little girl, her nose bleeding, her right eye turning purple. She has tears streaked down her face, but she is not crying. Her shirt is ripped. The first thing he thinks of when he sees her is Sarah. Of course it’s Sarah, how could he not think of her? But this little girl is different, has a different look in her eye. This look is much harder and feels like she’s lived a thousand lifetimes. He thanks god Sarah never looked that way, but somehow he wants to hear about everything this little girl has experienced. Something twangs in Joel’s chest that he has not felt in what feels like an eternity.

“It was not a lie, you stupid bitch whore!” Aiden shouts angrily, still fighting back against Joel’s unrelenting grip. “Take that back!”

“No, you take it back! Dad is not a hero. You could’ve picked anyone to write about and you choose him? After everything he’s done?” she screams herself.

The sound of her voice is powerful but desperate. Joel feels himself needing to know more and bury himself deep inside her experiences.

“SHUT UP!” Aiden yells, finally ceasing his movements.

A tear falls from his cheek.

“If I let you go, will you stop whooping your sister?” Joel snaps firmly.

“Get away from me, you stupid cuck!” Aiden curses, turning his energy to Joel. “Who the hell are you to me? Fuck you! I’m out of here!”

He wriggles out of Joel’s grasp and Joel lets him go and Aiden storms back out the rear gate, slamming it behind him.

“You alright?” he asks Y/N.

Joel crawls over on his knees, still upright, closer to her.

“Had worse,” she shrugs, running a hand through her messed-up hair.

She wipes the tears and blood from her cheeks.

Joel shudders to imagine what she means.

“He always like that?”

“Yeah,” she nods. “So you Mom’s new boyfriend?”

“Something like that,” he nods back. ”’M Joel. Joel Miller.”

“I’m Y/N,” she says a bit mournfully. “Here,” she continues suddenly, reaching out a small hand to his cheek. She wipes blood (hers) gently off his stubbly face. “Didn’t mean to get ya dirty.”

Joel is nothing short of touched. He wasn’t even aware he could still have such a feeling. His cheeks go rosy pink. His heart pulses. He stares at her delicate hands and notices a long, thin scar on her left middle finger.

“‘S no trouble, sweetheart,” he hears himself reassuring her. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Could even mend your shirt if ya want. Know how to sew and all.”

He reaches out a large hand, but she flinches at the sudden movement. A dull ache wells up in Joel’s chest.

“Not gonna hurt you, honey. Swear it.”

He wants with every fiber of his being for her to believe him, for it to be true.

She takes his hand.

***

That evening Erica is still not home, working late Joel supposes. It is nine o’clock when Aiden slinks back into the house.

Joel stops him from making his way up the stairs. He is more than familiar with the art of creeping.

“Think you oughta apologize to your sister,” he says as gently as possible. Maybe he can impart some manners onto this unruly child now that he’s calmed down some. “You beat her real bad. You’re much bigger than her.”

“I’d do it again,” Aiden hisses, his eyes cold. “It makes me feel better.”

And then, to Joel, the answer is simple. What do you do with a bully who won’t repent? Fight him back. Show him who’s boss, who’s bigger.

He grabs Aiden by the arm in a flash of anger and drags him up the stairs. The boy screams and flails, but that doesn’t deter Joel. He brings him to the room he assumes is his, the walls covered in sports posters and memorabilia.

“Take off your shirt,” he growls, a familiar fury pounding inside his chest.

When Aiden protests, Joel does it for him, ripping the kid’s shirt nearly in half. Rage floods through Joel’s veins and he can’t exactly place why, but the feeling is very real and bouldering through him at an alarming speed. He knows this feeling, feels strangely at home there.

He undoes his belt and brings the leather end down on Aiden’s back, not the buckle like his father used to do. Joel does have some decency buried deep in his chest. And then he loses himself to the unyielding anger.

“You get ten,” he snarls. “Don’t you lay a hand on your sister again. Is that understood? Now you answer to me.”

No response except for a scream.

“I said , do you understand?” Joel roars, bringing down the belt.

Rage consumes him like a drug. He barely registers what he’s doing. The belt goes down again and again. And somehow, through the screaming and the pain, and the intoxicating feeling of being completely in control for once, Joel’s line of vision wanders to the bedroom door. In all the excitement, it was left ajar and out in the hallway, sitting on her knees is Y/N. Joel immediately expects fear, despair, revulsion. When Tommy would watch him take a beating his face would betray the most acute sense of hopelessness and terror and the waterworks would begin. But Y/N just stares at him unflinchingly, at what he’s doing. She doesn’t cry, she simply sees. Too much for a child, and yet, she watches. She does not intervene, doesn’t even try to. And for the tiniest moment, her and Joel’s eyes connect, and he feels a sense of calm, of comprehension, of recognition in that uncannily knowing gaze. Her irises sparkle and Joel feels…something that he cannot entirely articulate. Seen? Accepted? Understood? Joel knows logically what he is doing is an ugly, vile thing — he has never claimed to be a good man. Practical maybe, but never good. And yet, Y/N sees it — sees him — and she doesn’t look away. She cocks her head slightly, and images of Tommy grimacing in revulsion and fear as Joel mercilessly beat up their childhood neighborhood bullies to the point of unconsciousness pop into his mind, of the haunting look in his brother’s eyes. Even Sarah could not stomach his violent heart when she witnessed him beat up some pervert with a camera that had looked at her funny at the mall. Even though it was for her — to keep her safe. She had stared at him in disgust and pity. She had not seen him then at all.

But now, looking at Y/N, for the briefest moment, Joel can swear he sees something resembling a smile flicker over her serious face. And though it goes as quickly as it comes, he feels the familiar sensation gnawing at the bottom of his stomach: primal and untameable, soft and vulnerable, but fierce and loud at the same time. He feels an inexorable, inescapable sense of care and devotion to this child. But most of all, because she sees him, truly sees him, and does not turn away in disgust, Joel Miller feels the gut-wrenching, unquenchable sensation of love deep in his chest. For the first time since Sarah died on that hospital bed, weak and unwell from the chemo he could not afford, he feels alive .

***

Things fall into a tentative routine. Every morning, Joel wakes up in bed beside Erica. They fuck the night before more often than not, but always in that same slow way that doesn’t do much for Joel. It’s enough to get off, sure, she isn’t an unattractive woman, but he’s mostly there for the meal ticket and roof over his head. He goes to work at the auto-body repair shop, Erica goes to her job at her law firm. The kids ride the bus to school. He gets home in the evenings before Erica and spends time coexisting with the children. Usually, he kicks back on the sofa, rubbing his sore back, and watches television, minding his own business. Aiden mostly avoids him, doing god knows what in his room. He bullies his sister cruelly and Joel punishes him when he sees fit. Erica knows what he does to Aiden and either doesn’t care or approves. He never lays a hand on Y/N though. She warms up to him slowly, cautiously. Most evenings she sits on the far end of the couch and Joel on the other, but as she gets used to him and sees that he’s not a threat, at least to her, she scoots closer.

The children’s father is no longer in their lives from what Joel can tell, which is perfectly fine with him. When Joel’s heart does not feel full of lead, he plays the guitar. Y/N sits and watches him. She is a quiet child, but unrelentingly brave. When Joel lets the TV blare, he rarely cares to pay much attention these days, she stays and watches with him, no matter what is on and never complains or asks to change the channel. Blockbuster zombie apocalypse movie? She watches. News special on America’s most dangerous serial killers? She watches. Documentary on venomous snakes? She watches. Should Joel be letting her watch this crap? Who the fuck knows? He isn’t her father. And plus, he won’t admit this to anyone, hardly even himself, but he likes having some company. It makes everything feel…less. And he likes that she doesn’t try to make him speak. Sometimes there are no words and he thinks Y/N understands this. Unlike Erica who yaps every second of the day. But Joel stays polite and plays along. He has to.

But he will not lie, Aiden gets on his very last nerve. There is something that Joel cannot quite place that makes him feel like he has known this boy his whole life even though they are as familiar as perfect strangers. All siblings fight and rough-house. That is normal. Hell, he and Tommy used to fight rough and tumble all the time. But the way Aiden bullies Y/N is something else entirely. And most times, it is unprovoked. And he is so much bigger than she is, growing bigger by the day.

Joel’s beatings have not stopped Aiden’s anger and sadistic attitudes, but they do make sure that he takes some kind of physical consequence for his crimes. It makes Joel feel better and he thinks it makes Y/N feel better too. And some days he gets so fucking mad at Aiden that he thinks not even god could stop his wrath even if the boy turned into Mother Theresa herself! Okay, maybe that’s extreme, but another part of Joel thinks maybe it’s not. The truth is, though he is loathe to admit it, some days, he is not in control of his anger. Some days he punches so hard, his knuckles bleed and he has to stop for a second to come back to himself. Others he goes so roughly on Aiden that he causes the kid to become bloody and he feels ashamed of what he’s done. But there are other days, very dark days, where he wishes he could do it over and over again. He convinces himself he’s doing it for Y/N and not some other sinister ulterior motive he does not care to dwell on…

One night, a few months into Joel’s new living arrangements, he walks through the upstairs hallway to his and Erica’s bedroom, passing the closed door to the bathroom that the kids share. He has done this what feels like a thousand times before and doesn’t think anything of it until he stops and realizes he hears Y/N singing.

♪“ Someday, my pain / Someday, my pain will mark / You…”♫ she sings softly.

He can barely hear it over the crash of the water from her shower, but her voice is beautiful. It pulls at Joel’s shrunken heart, deep inside his long-dead chest. Her voice has an eerie quality to it too, almost haunting. He’s not sure of what song it is, but he finds himself wanting to know. Eventually, she stops, and Joel goes to bed, but her voice echoes in his mind for hours as he lies awake in the dark.

The next day, Joel is sitting on the couch when the kids get home from school. Y/N joins him on the other side of the sofa as usual. They watch reruns of some unfunny family sitcom.

“Heard you singing last night,” he finally grunts unceremoniously.

Y/N goes very still.

“Sorry,” she mumbles, avoiding his gaze. “I’ll be quieter next time.”

Joel looks over at her. He realizes she looks terrified.

“Ain’t no problem with it,” he tries to explain, confused. “Thought you sounded nice is all.”

“You tryna trick me?” she stammers, tears collecting in her shimmering eyes.

“What? Trick you? What you crying for, honey? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Joel is genuinely flabbergasted.

Tears trickle down her cheeks. What has he done this time? he wonders. But he is concerned more than anything. Hell, he hasn’t seen her cry like this since the day they met. Not even last week when Aiden slammed her head into the metal oven in the kitchen (luckily it was off or Joel would have really killed him that time).

She sniffles, looking conflicted, then collects herself as best she can manage.

“M-my dad didn’t like when I would sing. ‘Specially if he was in a depo…I forget the word…deponition? Deposition? When he was on the phone for work, I mean. If I was being too loud. Or too shrill. He didn’t like that one bit. He’d get mad…” she trails off.

“The way Aiden gets mad?” Joel asks very slowly, not truly wanting to know the answer.

“Yeah,” she nods after a while. “Except he’s a lot bigger. And stronger. He…he broke my arm once. But it was on accident I think. He got me ice cream after.”

Anger, red and hot, pulses through Joel’s veins. What hadn’t this child endured at the hands of angry men?

“What did your mother do?” he bites out, almost unnaturally calm from trying to control himself.

“Well, most of the time he’d kinda like hit her around, I guess? But the time he broke my arm was the time she made him leave for good and they got a divorce and all. Aiden says it’s my fault he won’t come around anymore. He was so mad. He loves Dad so much. I don’t understand it though because even though Dad likes him a lot more than me, Dad would still be so mean to him sometimes. Mom says I don’t even know all of it...Promise I won’t bother you with singing though, okay?”

“Sweetheart,” Joel says as softly as his blinding rage will permit. Somehow, when he’s with Y/N, he finds he can control himself better. “I’ll never get mad at you for singing. Or being too loud. Or anything. Never gonna put my hands on you. I’m sorry if what I do to Aiden scares you or made you think that I would ever do such a thing to you.”

“It doesn’t scare me,” she shakes her head. “When you get rough with Aiden, you do it because he did really bad, to protect me. It’s like with you there’s rules that make sense. Aiden chooses to be mean and violent so you choose it back to him. With my dad, it was different. It was like I could breathe wrong and I’d get in trouble. Get in trouble for things I couldn’t control or help. Sometimes I did bad, I know I did, but I also know there were other times where I wasn’t hurting anyone and he’d still hurt me so badly. My dad never got mad at Aiden for hurting me though. He thought it was funny, I think. Sometimes he’d kinda like sick him on me. Kinda how you could a dog.”

Joel doesn’t know how to respond, doesn’t know the right words. He figures he can only show her with his actions who he is and she will just have to learn to trust him. If her father ever enters the house though, he will wring his neck. That’s for certain. Thank God he doesn’t come around for his sake, Joel’s, and the family’s.

“I was just thinking,” Joel finally says. “If ya want, I could learn how to play that song you were singing on my guitar and maybe you could sing it for me sometime?”

“M-maybe we could sing it together?” Y/N asks tentatively, her eyes wide. “Singing in front of other people is kinda scary.”

“I haven’t sung in a while,” Joel sighs. “Might be rusty.”

“That’s okay,” she grins hopefully.

Joel wants to take a photo of that rare sight and keep it close for as long as he lives, torn in his pocket or snug in his wallet, he doesn’t care.

“Joel?” she asks a little cautiously, breaking him from his thoughts. “Can I ask you something?”

“‘Course, kiddo,” he says as gently as he knows how.

“Who’s Sarah?”

His heart stops. His blood runs cold.

“What? How did you–”

“You were talking. In your sleep yesterday,” she says, shrinking away a little and Joel feels sorry for scaring her again. “When we were watching Dexter . Well, you fell asleep right before. You were snoring and all, but you were also talking and mumbling that name. You sounded sad and scared.”

Joel should definitely not have allowed her to watch that! But that is hardly the point right now.

His heart squeezes so tight it burns. What was there to say about Sarah – the entire reason his life had had any purpose? His perfect babygirl? The light of his life?

He could lie. So easily too and Y/N would never know. He could say nothing at all. Hasn’t even told Erica about her yet. Hardly ever speaks to anyone about her these days.

And yet…

“She was my daughter,” he hears himself say softly. “She…got sick. Died of leukemia a while back. She was twelve.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the wallet he was just thinking about. Inside is a tiny school photo of Sarah – the last one she ever took. It’s faded a little, but she’s still smiling so big she could block out the sun. He shows it to Y/N.

“I’m sorry, Joel,” she says and she really does look sorry.

Not the way his co-workers and customers say it – almost as a reflex – to fill the void in the conversation. Her eyes are shimmering.

“Nothin’ to do about it now,” he shrugs, running his thumb over the photo paper, softened with age. “But she was so damn special. My whole world.”

He has learned to repress the tears, not to show weakness, that is not hard. Not anymore. But the anger that broils up inside him – the injustice of it all – how he was unable to help her. Unable to save her. He feels almost like a child again, powerless in an unforgiving, unrelenting world. He wants to fight back!

He is so angry he begins to shake and his hands clench into fists.

He wants to flip over the fucking coffee table – fling it across the room! He wants to punch in the glass of the flickering TV screen until his fist is broken! He wants to–He wants–

He just wants his babygirl back…

A sob, small and foreign rises in his throat, but he pushes it down.

He thinks Y/N knows though. Can see the vulnerability in his eyes.

She reaches out a small hand and touches his fist, pushes it down gently into the soft fabric of the couch so he’ll stop shaking. It doesn’t entirely work, but he thinks he appreciates the effort.

“I don’t know if this is the right thing to say,” she begins a bit skittishly, still not entirely trusting the hulking, raging man above her. “But I think I would have liked to have been her friend.”

And for the first time since Sarah died, Joel sobs .

Y/N pops up from the couch and Joel’s heart cries out louder in his chest for her to come back, don’t leave me too as he tries to suck the tears back in. It doesn’t work though and liquid gushes down his cheeks. He doesn’t think he can take the rejection, the loss of her. But thankfully, she returns just as quickly as she went with a handful of tissues stuffed into her small fist.

“Here, Joel,” she offers. “Here. Don’t cry.”

Joel does cry though. He’s ashamed he’s broken down in front of this literal child, and he doesn’t let out much noise, but he doesn’t take the tissues either. He can’t.

She’s so sweet though, or maybe it’s because she is truly afraid of him now, of his wrath, he’ll never really know, but she frowns and reaches out a little hand, the one with the scar on the middle finger, and tries to wipe up the tears.

The paper of the tissue tickles his cheeks.

“Shouldn’t havta…” he tries.

“Didn’t mean to make you…” she answers.

A pause.

“You didn’t, honey. That was all me,” he assures her finally.

She lets out a sigh of relief and soaks up the last of the salt water from his face, brushes the tissue gently against his nose. It tickles, causes him to snort. He smirks a little.

She smiles back shyly, she can’t help it, he can tell.

“You know,” he says thoughtfully after a few moments of silence, sighing deeply. “I reckon she would’ve wanted to be your friend too…”

***

A few months roll by. Things are virtually the same except Y/N seems more comfortable around him now. Maybe it’s because she saw his weakness up close and personal, his Achilles heel —— knows how to coax it out of him now if she has to. Or maybe it’s because she truly trusts him. Whatever the case, she sits closer to him on the couch now, still giving him a respectful foot of distance though of course.

Once in a blue moon, she sings for him and he tries to keep up with the lilting sound of her high voice. She says she likes his low, deep voice just fine, it’s just she still gets nervous singing in front of other people so it’s still a rare occasion. His favorite is when she sings solo and he gets to strum along for her and really listen. Sometimes her voice cracks in a very specific way that some might find to be a flaw, but Joel would never.

Aiden makes fun of them and calls them the ‘Von Trapp Family Singers.’ Are they a family? Joel wonders.

One day after work, Joel goes to the library to find some sheet music for a song Y/N likes. She treasures the photo-copied paper like a gift as Joel deciphers the notes he can actually read for her. She color-codes each one carefully in magic marker so she can remember the differences between them.

The next day, Aiden burns it up with a lighter he has acquired from God knows where. Joel confiscates it – the last thing he needs is this particular child setting fires – and It doesn’t end well for Aiden. He limps for damn near a week. But some days, when Aiden is calm, he joins Y/N and Joel in front of the TV if a sports game is on. He doesn’t sit on the couch though, just the floor. He doesn’t say much to them but does get invested in the good and bad plays of each game, gets sore if his team is losing. On one particularly good day, when the Rangers hit a grand slam, and Joel was actually paying attention, he and Aiden actually high-five.

Things are going…well? Is that the right word? It is a foreign concept for Joel. For Christmas, he gets Y/N guitar, Aiden a book on boxing so maybe he will redirect his anger into somewhere productive, and Erica a spa-day kit for 20% off that he saw at CVS (he never claimed to know what women want). Aiden is neutral, surprised, he thinks, that Joel even got him a present. Erica is actually appreciative and returns the favor with some new socks and underwear.

“A practical gift for a practical man,” she says, kissing him on the forehead.

Joel supposes he appreciates the gesture.

Y/N, though, is thrilled.

“Thank you, Joel! Got you something too,” she says excitedly, bouncing up and down in her red and white pajamas.

“That’s not necessary,” Joel chides, leaning over to pick up the wrapping paper that was strewn across the living room floor.

But secretly he is curious. He didn’t think she even had any money of her own…

Aiden opens the cover of the boxing book with disinterest, eyeing the new guitar distastefully.

Y/N jumps up, leaves the room, and returns with a small plastic baggie in her hands. Inside are little, different bits of colored plastic clumsily and haphazardly cut into tiny, sharp-looking, badge-shaped pieces. One he recognizes is from the top of a yogurt container he put into the recycling the other day, another one from the top of a Gatorade bottle.

“Here ya go!”

She shoves the plastic bag into his large hands enthusiastically.

“Thank you,” Joel responds, still unsure what he was given.

It reminds him of when Sarah was young and would come home with some sort of abstract macaroni painting from kindergarten and he would nod and smile knowingly when she explained that of course it was Two dinosaurs getting married, Dad. Duh!

“You could try one on my new guitar,” she offers, a little disappointed when he doesn’t have more of a reaction. “You said you lost most of yours…”

Joel immediately feels guilty and then it clicks. She tried to make him guitar picks! His heart clenches with emotion he can not quite identify.

He pulls a little orange one out of the bag and accidentally nicks the edge of his finger. Because of the way it was cut, no doubt with uncoordinated child’s hands and a pair of scissors, the edges are much too sharp to serve as an actual guitar pick without damaging guitar strings or apparently Joel’s finger. Dumb kid. But he’s beyond honored anyone would take the time to do such a thoughtful thing for him.

He hisses softly and sucks the blood off his finger.

“Oops,” she says, horrified. “Shoot. Sorry, I–”

“‘S no trouble,” he interjects dismissively. “Love ‘em. Was my fault anyway. I’mma be honest with you though, sweetheart; don’t think the guitar strings can handle these babies.”

“Oh,” she says softly, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice. “Oh, yeah, okay...”

She deflates, looking down at the carpet.

Joel selfishly lets her be sad for a beat before swooping back in to be the one to save the day.

“But here’s what I’ll do…”

She looks back up at him with an intoxicating kind of hope in her eyes.

He takes his wallet out of his back pocket and slips the orange pick into the photo slot next to the picture of Sarah. He returns the wallet back into his pants.

Y/N positively beams. Brighter than the sun, even, Joel thinks.

Aiden yawns purposefully loudly and rolls his eyes. Erica looks touched and maybe even a little proud of her choice in men. But Joel didn’t do it for them. The only reaction in the world he cares about is hers.

Y/N is still grinning, bouncing on the balls of her feet again. But then she does something new: she leans in and hugs him, wrapping her little arms around his waist, burying her face in his flannel shirt, pressing against his tummy.

The world stops for Joel.

At first, he just hangs there limply, awkwardly. Literally forgets what one is supposed to do in such a situation, but then instinct kicks in and he wraps his arms around her too and squeezes ever so slightly. It’s a more cautious hug than Sarah would have given him – she would have squeezed him half to death – but Y/N is still holding him. Someone small and warm is holding onto him for the first time in what feels like an eternity. And just like that his past is rhyming with his present and it is the most beautiful sound Joel Miller has ever heard.

Joel Miller is not a good man, no, but maybe, just maybe, he thinks he could be one for Y/N.

***

Joel tries to be good. He does. His first order of business is stop beating on Aiden – especially in front of Y/N. No amount of violence towards the kid seems to do any good anyway – he still hurts her. And Joel is sick of bandaging her up and wiping the blood from her cheeks; something has to change. Not that he wouldn’t do it a thousand times if he had to. He’d do anything for the girl, that he is sure of. And the truth is, Aiden is close to getting big enough to really fight back. And Joel knows if Aiden really lays a hand on him, he’s not sure he will be able to control himself enough to not inflict permanent damage. And he doesn’t want that. Truly.

So at first, Joel thinks about having Erica send him away to a wilderness camp for troubled children or some such program he sees mentioned on reruns of Dr. Phil. She has the money to do it too. But she won’t send him away. She refuses, loves him too much. Protecting Y/N seems as far down on her list of priorities as ever. She is useless at disciplining him, always has been, so it is up to Joel to find another solution. So the next thing he tries is to set the boy up in boxing classes. This is risky since it might just teach him new ways to hurt Y/N, but at least it will be a place to direct his anger.

It works for a while, to his and Y/N’s immense relief, but that leaves Joel nowhere to take out his anger. He tries to ignore it at first and shove it down, but it starts to come out in little ways. At work, he barks at a customer who locks his keys in the car he’s trying to fix. At home, he shouts at Erica for missing Y/N’s school play. The rage leaks out of him, pours off his entire being. He tries jerking off more to increasingly violent porno magazines to calm himself down since Erica is sure not satisfying him. It doesn’t do enough though, not really. Finally, he tries boxing at the local gym himself, but it is not enough either. Boxing has rules. The first sorry sucker he gets in the ring with, he beats to the point of unconsciousness. Two men have to pull him off to get him to stop. They kick him out immediately.

So Joel tries going to the bar after work with the guys from the shop and drinking a little to take the edge off. That actually helps somewhat. He’s careful about it, never comes home drunk, never drinks in front of Erica or the kids. But what helps the most are the bar fights. He’s careful about that too. Only fights the assholes, which there are many of. Switches up the bars he goes to. But some motherfucker slaps a girl's ass without permission? Joel’s on him in seconds, watching like a predator from the shadows. Some dude throws a drink in the bartender’s face? Joel clobbers him half to death. And sometimes? People in the bar applaud him, even cheer him on. It’s probably because they’re intoxicated, but that’s how he justifies it to himself like he’s some kind of goddamn vigilante. Deep down he knows he is something much, much uglier. But at least he’s not doing it to Aiden, a child. And more importantly, at least it is away from Y/N.

***

One day, Y/N falls sick. It starts out as what seems like a cold with a nasty cough. Kids are little germ factories, Joel knows that. He tells himself it is nothing to worry about – that all kids get sick sometimes. The first few days she lies on the couch like a zombie, coughing incessantly into her elbow and sleeping a lot. She snores ever so slightly which he finds charming. Joel stays home from work with her because Erica has to be in court and they watch lots of nature documentaries and daytime talk shows.

Then the coughing gets worse and Joel’s brain stops functioning properly and he has trouble explaining why. He feels more on edge, more agitated. Erica takes Y/N to the doctor and comes back with a diagnosis: walking pneumonia. Nothing too serious, lots of kids get it. She is prescribed antibiotics and is supposed to drink lots of fluids and wait it out. But when Erica tells Joel the news of what the doctor told her he is holding a glass of water and it shatters in his large hand, cutting the skin of his middle finger.

“Fuck!” he yells.

And he cannot articulate precisely why, but he feels good that there is a justified reason to yell.

Erica wipes his hand and cleans the glass up.

“Gotta go to court again today, honey,” she says like everything is fine and normal. “Can you look after her today? Call in sick? She’s in bed. Going through it.”

Joel nods and she is gone like this whole thing is nothing. Like her precious, living breathing child is not suffering in the room above his head.

He climbs the stairs and enters Y/N’s room. He doesn’t often spend much time there. The walls are painted pink and differently shaped dolls and stuffed animals line the white vanity across from her canopied bed. He does not think he has ever seen Y/N play with any of those specific toys, come to think of it, or express any interest in the color pink (no doubt Erica’s secret passion for interior design rearing its ugly head). He vows silently, one day, to paint the walls any color she wants.

But there she is, sprawled out in her bed coughing a nasty cough. Something shifts inside Joel at the sound. She looks unwell and weak and so small.

“Hey, honey,” he says softly, almost robotically.

Something is not right. He sits on the edge of her bed, feels her burning forehead. He takes her temperature gently with the thermometer that goes in her ear. He feels that weird sensation like he’s been here before even though he has hardly ever entered her bedroom. One hundred and four degrees Fahrenheit it reads when it beeps. Joel swallows a lump in his throat that he didn’t realize was there.

She coughs pathetically. She looks out of it, her eyes far away. Joel’s heart throbs painfully.

Y/N is mumbling something incoherent now. Joel leans a little closer so he can decipher the words.

He makes out something like: No, Dad. Don’t. Stop, please. Please, not tonight.

Joel stops breathing.

She must be delirious from the fever.

And then she’s crying. Quietly, but crying all the less. And this time, unlike every time he has seen her tears before, she sobs. Actually makes noise, her chest wracked with it.

Then she coughs so hard she starts to wheeze and it hits Joel so ferociously he practically loses his grip on reality.

When Sarah was sick she had leukemia, a blood cancer. And cancer requires treatment. Expensive treatment. But of course, Joel hadn’t cared. He would have sold every item he owned to save his child, would have traveled to the ends of the earth if he had to, done literally any and everything in his power to protect her. So he paid for most of her chemotherapy with high hopes. Desperate hopes, but high ones. It had been her best shot at getting better according to the doctors. And the thing about chemo is, the side effects can literally be deadly. Joel is not a man of science, but the doctor explained that those drugs kill the bad cells that make up the cancer, but also the good ones. It fucks with your immune system, weakens you. Makes you lose your hair, vomit, and or be so weak you can barely walk. All that happened to Sarah. Joel felt like a traitor taking her to those treatments. Logically, he knew they were necessary, but he always felt like he was the one doing those awful things to her. It eviscerated him, left him raw and empty, and helpless like a child.

But in the end, it was the pneumonia that killed her. Her body couldn’t fight it off. She’d died in a hospital bed, Joel at her side, holding her hand, unable to do a single damned thing except scream .

Y/N coughs again, simultaneously pulling him from his thoughts and throwing him back into them. His heart is pounding in his chest to Do something! But there is nothing to be done, nothing he can do! Why can’t he ever seem to protect her?

She looks up just then, notices him for the first time since he entered the room, still crying feebly.

“He hurt me,” she whispers up at him, her eyes glazed over and glistening with tears. She reaches out for a handful of his dark blue work shirt and pulls it tightly to her. “He hurt me. And I couldn’t–I c-couldn’t…”

And then he is holding her, not quite sure how, but he is holding her trembling body to his chest and he will not let her go. Not for the world, not for anyone. He will not lose this child. He wraps his arms around her, holds tight. He will keep her safe, no matter the cost.

“It’s okay, babygirl,” he whispers. “I got you.”

***

Joel and Erica get married that spring. They agree on a private ceremony in front of a judge with only Y/N and Aiden in attendance. When Aiden hears the news, he throws a fit, He breaks dishes and punches a hole in the TV set which sets Joel’s teeth on edge. But Y/N is overjoyed. In the end, he and Joel adorn what Joel considers monkey suits and Erica wears a beautiful white dress that accentuates her figure. Y/N wears a frilly pink dress and carries a basket of pink roses. Joel never thought he’d be a married man and yet here he is. He imagines Sarah in attendance too and his heart aches. This is his life now.

He refuses to wear a ring.

***

Time passes. Long stretches of time where things feel–dare he think it–normal.

Aiden doesn’t beat Y/N, but begins to get into fights at school. Joel saves his violence for the bar scene which he begins frequenting more often.

Erica starts working later, gets promoted in her job. Fucks Joel less and less, not that he cares very much.

Joel goes to back-to-school nights and family cookouts. He teaches Y/N to play the guitar and how to fix car motors. In both these activities, she is no natural, but she tries her best and listens well. She smiles more than he’s ever seen. He drives her to sleepovers and Aiden to boxing practice. He paints her bedroom walls orange.

Things feel stable.

Two Christmases pass.

And then things take a downturn.

***

One evening, Joel returns home from work later than usual. When he arrives home in his truck, he notices an expensive sports car in the driveway. Erica has affluent friends, sure, but he’s never seen this particular car before. Something about that doesn’t sit right with him.

He opens the front door with a creak and Erica intercepts him before he can make it to the dining room table for dinner. She presses a hand to his forearm bulking with muscle.

“Don’t freak out,” she whispers urgently.

Joel stops and hears the sounds of people eating dinner and a man’s raspy voice speaking.

“Freak out about what?”

He makes his way past her to the dining room. He sees a man he does not immediately recognize sitting at the head of the table, Y/N is flanking one side of the table next to him and Aiden the other. He is conventionally handsome and wearing an expensive pinstripe suit. When he looks up, he smirks at Joel. Joel thinks he looks kind of like Aiden if you were to squint. And then he understands who he is.

“The fuck are you doing in my house?” he growls, lunging forward.

“ Your house?” the man smirks again, unflinching.

He looks Joel over, examining his mechanic’s uniform, the grease stain on Joel’s cheek.

Erica grabs Joel. She pulls him back out into the hallway.

“Tell him he’s not welcome here,” Joel snarls, trying to get a look at the man over Erica’s shoulder.

She pushes him backward gently. Instantly, he is worried for Y/N, for all intents and purposes alone in there with the man who abused her and this entire goddamn family for that matter. He catches a glance at her and she looks terrified . Aiden, conversely, Joel sees, looks like he just won the lottery, staring up at his dad in adoration. Joel doesn’t think he has ever seen him look so happy.

“This is important to them,” Erica snaps quietly. “That’s their father. He has a right–”

“Get him out of here or I’ll kill him,” Joel says deadly quietly. “He what? Doesn’t show up for over three years and you think that–”

“I know that he has a right to speak to them. I am their mother and they need a sense of closure. Aiden needs this. So you will sit down at that table and have an amicable dinner or so help me God, Joel.”

Erica never speaks to him like this. He is shocked.

“Fine,” he snarls after a while, his chest heaving.

He can hardly think straight while Y/N is in there alone with that excuse for a man. Better he be close to protect her instead of thrown out of the house.

He walks back in with Erica, who sits next to Y/N, leaving Joel nowhere to go but next to Aiden.

“I’m Derek,” the children’s father says, leaning over the food Erica has prepared to shake Joel’s hand.

Joel doesn’t take it.

“And you must be Joe? The new husband.”

“Joel,” he replies shortly.

He looks over at Y/N who is trying to be brave, he can tell, but deep in her eyes, looks petrified.

They eat dinner in tense silence until Derek breaks it and begins bragging about his golf club record, the latest client he’s been representing, his new girlfriend, Sylvia.

“See, she’s helping me become a better man,” Derek insists with a forkful of steak. “I know I haven’t always been…the greatest of fathers or partners, but she really convinced me coming here would be a good thing. That it would be healing. You guys will meet someday, I’m sure.”

Joel leans forward toward Derek, reeling at the idea that this man could possibly be back in the picture of his family’s life, but Erica reaches under the table and squeezes his knee in a death grip and Joel holds himself back.

Aiden hangs on his father’s every word. Erica looks somewhat intrigued after she lets go of her husband’s leg. Y/N screams silently at Joel, who tries his best to communicate without words that he will keep her safe.

“And I know I’ve missed quite a bit,” Derek continues. “Which is why I brought these. Sylvia’s idea, really.”

He reaches down toward his feet and pulls out a fancy golden gift bag and takes out two presents. He hands one to Aiden and the other one to Y/N. Aiden rips his open excitedly. Inside is a hunting knife with a red handle.

Great, Joel thinks.

Y/N doesn’t move though, stopped like a deer in the headlights.

“Open it, girl,” Derek sneers.

She looks over at Joel.

“Go on, baby,” he says softly, heat pumping through his blood.

She unwraps the pink wrapping paper and finds a Barbie doll in a clear plastic box. Joel has never seen her play with dolls at all come to think of it.

“Isn’t that thoughtful?” Erica smiles cautiously.

“Thanks, Dad,” Aiden says enthusiastically. “Can’t wait to show the guys at ROTC.”

“Good for you, son,” Derek grins. “Serving our country is the highest of honors.”

Joel suddenly tries not to think about Tommy blasted to bits halfway across the world in Afghanistan, his body in such bad condition all that he got left of his baby brother was a finger and two bent dog tags.

Aiden beams.

“Well,” Derek barks, eyeing Y/N distastefully. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” he taunts.

Joel sees where Aiden gets it from. This arrogant, bullying behavior. He shifts in his seat, ready to strike if necessary.

“Thanks,” she says very quietly.

Derek grins in a kind of satisfaction that makes Joel want to go over there and punch his daylights out. He almost does too until Erica kicks his shin beneath the table and he controls himself.

Y/N frowns. She looks over at Joel, then back at her father. Something ripples across her face, but it goes so quickly Joel cannot assign any meaning to it. But she looks ever so less scared somehow, more angry almost, but not quite.

And then after about ten minutes of somewhat peaceful eating and Derek making Aiden and Erica laugh with stupid anecdotes from his court cases while Joel and Y/N exchange looks, it happens.

Y/N’s hand reaches forward and knocks against her glass of coke. It goes flying over in Derek’s direction and drenches him in the sticky liquid, staining his suit.

“Sorry, Dad!” she squeaks immediately. “Oh my god, I–”

“You little slut!” he roars in response, almost like a reflex, backhanding Y/N across the face with lightning speed and accuracy. “Do you know how much this fucking suit cost!?”

The force of the blow is so strong it knocks Y/N from her chair onto the ground.

Before a coherent thought can even go through Joel’s head he is on the other man, slamming him up against the wall behind him by the throat.

“Joel, don’t you dare!” Erica yells, but it is too late.

Joel sees red and can’t exactly recall what he does next, but it goes something like this:

He squeezes around Derek’s throat and bangs his head backward against the wall a few times. The other man tries to get a punch in, but Joel ducks and kicks him in the balls. Derek crumples to the ground and Joel gives his chest another hard kick. He whines pathetically.

Aiden gets up then, but Erica uses all of her strength to pull him back before he can get involved in the mix. He resists, shouts something that Joel cannot make out, but Erica manages to keep him from the two men with a great amount of effort and struggle.

Derek is on the floor now and Joel is straddling him, landing punch after ruthless punch down onto his head. His nose begins to bleed, but Joel keeps punching.

“HOW DARE YOU?” he roars down at the trembling, gushing man on the floor.

There is so much blood splurting all over his face, dripping down onto his expensive stained suit, and the floor that Derek almost stops looking like Derek. Joel sees Aiden’s face in his features. And then there is so much blood that it could be anyone’s face screaming back at him for mercy. It could be those creepy, asshole men at the bar. It could be the much bigger kid who always used to beat up Tommy every day in the schoolyard. It could be that damned head doctor who let his babygirl die. It could even be his no-good, bastard, alcoholic papá .

He turns his head ever so slightly while still delivering punches. Erica has Aiden in a bear hug. She is screaming for Joel to stop. Aiden is bellowing something that sounds like, You bastard, I’ll kill you! Get off of him! I’ll kill you! And then Joel sees Y/N still on the floor from where she was knocked. Her face is still turned in the same direction it was slapped into, but she is not crying or screaming. Her eyes are dancing.

They connect with Joel’s.

He knows he is supposed to be a good man for her, but she doesn’t seem to mind his deviant behavior. He stops then, though, because otherwise he thinks he will kill the man and he doesn’t want Y/N to experience that. He steals a glance at her again and she looks ever so slightly disappointed, but her wide-eyed expression tells Joel that Christmas has come early this year. She sends him a look of gratitude and Joel thinks that maybe he did act like a good man for her after all in the case of this vile, pathetic person who is supposed to be her father.

Finally, Joel stands up. He walks over and reaches out a bloody hand to Y/N and pulls her gently from the ground. Even after she’s standing upright she doesn’t let go of him.

Derek gets up after a while, wiping his sleeve over his face to try to tame the excess blood. Joel thinks that maybe he broke the man’s nose. He feels not a shred of remorse. The other man spits on the ground at Joel’s feet and leaves without saying goodbye to his ex-wife or children, slamming the front door behind him.

Erica is not pleased with Joel’s behavior. Aiden is shouting and screaming. He breaks a plate by throwing it onto the floor with a loud crash. Joel leans over and grabs the knife his father gave him and sticks it in his front pocket so Aiden doesn’t feel tempted to use it. Y/N’s small hand is still in his.

When Aiden is coherent enough to listen to instructions and all screamed out, Erica sends the children upstairs to bed.

Joel tries to walk Y/N up to bed to tuck her in, but Erica stops him.

“ Not you,” she growls at Joel.

She is livid in a way Joel has never seen before. For a moment, he seriously wonders if this is the end of their relationship.

The kids scamper upstairs and Erica yells at Joel for ages.

At a certain point, he stops listening. He doesn’t try to argue back. Doesn’t care to. He is actually calm now, though his chest is still heaving from the exertion, more calm than he’s been in ages. He knows that she will never understand why he had to do what he did to Derek. She lives in another reality where his violence is not acceptable if she has to bear witness to it. She doesn’t care about Y/N the way she is supposed to. Never has. Doesn’t know or see her. Not the way Joel does. Has too big a soft spot for Aiden. Tolerated Joel’s violence toward him though like a coward. Maybe deep down she knew he needed some kind of discipline? But when Joel lays a hand on her scumbag of an ex-husband that’s what’s too far? When he hurt her own daughter? When Joel himself was responsible for hurting her own precious son? Where was her outrage then?

But he voices none of this. Pushes it down. He cannot lose her. Not this house, not the kids, not the financial security. Never Y/N.

Erica banishes him to the couch for the first time in their relationship. Joel doesn’t mind.

Hours later, late into the night, he hears soft footsteps walking down the stairs. He rolls over on the sofa to see who is approaching. He wonders if it is Erica there to apologize because he knows her well enough to know by now that she will forgive him eventually. She will forgive anything it seems. But it is not Erica at all.

“Joel?” a little voice asks quietly. “You up?”

“Yeah, baby,” he replies. “You okay? I’m so sorry he pulled that shit on you.”

Y/N shrugs.

“Sorry I…I didn’t stop it before it happened,” he admits like a secret.

She shrugs again.

“‘M sorry she made you sleep on the couch and all,” she replies.

“‘S no trouble. I don’t mind.”

“But it’s my fault you got in trouble in the first place.”

“Y/N, you ain’t done nothing wrong,” Joel tells her seriously.

It’s hard to see her in the dark, but he thinks she’s grimacing guiltily.

“I just wanted to say…” she begins hesitantly. “Thanks for like sticking up for me and all that. You…you’re the only one who does.”

Joel hides a smile from his babygirl. Something inside him likes being that person for her, he cannot lie to himself. Likes being the one she can count on.

“You were like some MMA fighter,” she continues. “But then all the blood was like in The Shining .”

One day, not long ago, Joel had fallen asleep on the couch when The Shining came on and Y/N had watched the entire thing out of her own free will. That movie had frightened the shit out of him as a kid!

“I’m sorry if I scared you, sweetheart.”

“You didn’t,” Y/N replies matter-of-factly. “I wasn’t scared of what you did for a second…I know that’s messed up, but I kinda wanted you to…”

She trails off.

Joel understands.

“I kinda, please don’t get mad, but I sorta knocked the cup over on purpose,” she admits.

Joel’s eyebrows go way up on his forehead in surprise.

“It’s just,” she babbles quickly in self-defense. “Mom and Aiden were like giggling and hanging onto every dumb thing he said and it scared me. I thought they might let him keep coming around and start liking him again. And I also knew he hadn’t changed too. I could tell on account of how he was looking at me in that same mean way he always did. And I also knew you’d save me like you always do and you had this angry look in your eyes. I knew what you would do. I could feel it in my gut…”

“You little shit!” Joel smirks.

He has to give her credit where credit was due – that was incredibly shrewd. Dangerous, but oh so clever. She played everyone in that room like a fiddle. Joel is honestly kind of proud.

“You mad?” she asks tentatively, biting her bottom lip.

“Nah,” Joel grins. “At you? Never. You shouldn’t have had to let him hurt you to get him away from you, but you protected yourself and that’s the most important thing. If I had to do it over, I would.”

Y/N smiles.

She’s a fucked up little girl, but Joel is a fucked up man, and they both live in a fucked up world.

“Got your back,” he grunts. “Remember that. Now scurry along back to bed and get some rest.”

“G’night, Joel.”

***

Time passes.

Erica forgives Joel of course and Derek never comes around again.

Y/N and Aiden grow bigger.

They go on camping trips and Joel teaches Y/N and Aiden how to fish. Never thought he would see the day where Aiden was willingly listening to his instructions, but the day comes anyway. Of course, the boy’s favorite part is cutting up the bloody fish guts like Joel’s used to be as a child. Y/N likes the part where you wait for the fish to bite. She sits next to Joel on the grassy river bank, the sun shining down on the lazy lake they are camping by, and smiles softly to herself.

Another two Christmases pass.

All the while, Joel is visiting the bar more and not necessarily to drink. His violent streak is getting worse somehow. He thinks, though he’s no goddamn shrink, that it might have something to do with the fact that he and Erica are not having any sex. Their relationship is still amicable and she is still sweet to him, and he tries his best to be to her too, but in the bedroom is mostly crickets. Joel jerks off, of course he does, but his fist is no substitute for a warm body.

Joel causes such a scene at the bar he frequents the most, that the cops have to be called. He ditches the place before he can get arrested, but he’s getting worried about his behavior. Something must change.

So then come the women. They practically throw themselves at him. Never has he thought he was that attractive until women literally offer themselves up to him on a silver platter after saving them from some drunken creep. Joel had always declined until now. But Joel is only a man. He fucks them rough and dirty (with their permission of course – Joel is not a good man, and a lot of things, but he isn’t a fucking rapist) in the bathroom stalls, in the alleyways. In the moment it feels good and helps him let off some steam, but after he feels guilty. And it doesn’t satisfy him much more than with Erica if he really thinks about it. One thing that Erica has over these women who let him act out his violent self is the look of devotion in her eyes. That’s always the thing that gets Joel to cum in the end when he does get to fuck her.

He would leave her, she isn’t that special to him if he’s honest, but she offers him a twofold sense of stability he has never known in his life. The first fold is the financial stability that has evaded him all of his days. The second is the feeling of family . Something so mundane and normal. And despite her flaws, she treats him so well – better than Sarah’s mother ever did. And most importantly, he doesn’t think he could leave Y/N. Not now. Not when she looks at him like he is the universe. Not even Aiden whom Joel has (begrudgingly) begun to see the traces of himself in.

***

This particular muggy, summer day begins normally. Joel goes to work, fixes a Chevy Impala’s fluid tank. And then he walks in with an old, beat-up Honda Accord.

His name is David, and Joel has heard of him through murmurings and bar stories and whispers at community barbeques. He’s a notorious neighborhood legend, whose house kids cross the street to avoid. He is the boogeyman at the end of the cul-de-sac.

The story is, though through the many versions Joel has heard some of the details get muddled, that he kidnapped and raped a twelve-year-old girl (that part all versions agree on). Some say he was supposed to have ten years in prison, others say twenty, but whatever the number he got out in one for “good behavior.” In jail, he supposedly devoted his life to God and became a preacher.

Joel doesn’t want to help him, but his boss hisses at him that money is money and he’s going to serve the man whether Joel likes it or not.

There’s something wrong with the exhaust pipe, so Joel bends down and takes a look at it. He opens the trunk and sees a box of Bibles next to a plastic bag of zip ties. His blood runs cold.

“The fuck is this shit doing in your car?” he growls, referring to the zip ties.

“The Bible is the word of God, Mr. Miller,” David replies, eyeing Joel’s nametag. “Would you like one? I’m always trying to spread The Good Word.”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about,” he spits, looking over to make sure his boss is not watching.

“If you must know, though it’s none of your business, those zip ties are for my garden to help hold up my plants. They are remarkably useful,” David smiles sickeningly politely.

And that’s when Joel loses it just a little.

He picks up the ties and pockets them.

“Listen here, you pedophile piece of shit,” he snarls. “If I hear about you stepping one goddamned pinky-toe out of line–”

“Hey, Joel!” A little voice calls.

The breath is knocked from Joel’s lungs.

Y/N bounds up to them holding a brown paper bag out of nowhere.

“You forgot your lunch! Mom dropped me off so you could have it. It’s tuna though. I hate hate tuna. But you’ll eat anything so I hope it’s good for you at least,” she babbles.

“Baby,” Joel says very quietly, his heart thrumming in his ribcage. “Right now’s not a great time. Why don’t you go on home and I’ll catch up with you later?”

Then she notices David. By the fact that she doesn’t immediately leave, Joel determines she has no clue who he is.

“Hello, young lady,” David smiles, eyeing Joel knowingly. “I’m Pastor David.”

“Uh, hi,” she says.

Joel thinks he might actually kill him.

“Would you like something to take home with you?” he asks.

Y/N blinks in confusion as Joel steps in front of her.

“She’ll be going now, won’t you Y/N?” Joel suggests dangerously.

“Here,” David says before she can respond.

He hands her a black-covered bible.

Y/N takes it, looks at the cover, and laughs. Joel and David both look down at her in surprise.

“No offense, ‘Pastor David,”’ she smirks. “But I don’t believe in that shit. Here, you can have it back,” she offers.

He takes back the book somewhat defeatedly. And Joel grins internally.

“Bye, Joel,” she tells him, still smirking.

She side-hugs him quickly and returns to Erica’s car.

“How dare you even look at her–” Joel booms at the sad, pathetic excuse for a man once she is out of earshot.

His hands are clenched into fists and they are shaking. Every part of him is on fire.

“I think I’ll be going now,” David interjects lightly. “I can see my business isn’t welcome here. You have a beautiful daughter, Mr. Miller. Quite a mouth on her. Shame if something were to happen to her…Oh, the things someone like me could make her believe…”

Joel reaches back his fist to punch, to pummel, to kill, but suddenly, another hand grabs his and holds it in place. Joel’s boss has materialized behind him and is holding him back. Good thing too. It’s probably the only thing that saves Joel’s career and David’s life.

David winks and drives away as the boss begins to reprimand Joel who is still shaking and fuming.

All he knows is this: If anyone touches his babygirl he will not hesitate to put them six feet under, no matter the cost to himself. He will not hesitate to get blood on his calloused hands. He will not hesitate to kill. And this time? His baby will not sustain a single scratch . He will not wait for her to get hurt before he acts.

***

Joel wants nothing more than to go home and spend time with his babygirl and wife and even his step-son if he will allow, but there is blood popping and oozing and broiling and churning under his skin like billowing, bubbling lava. If he doesn’t do something about it soon he will explode worse than a volcanic eruption so he heads to the seediest bar he can think of. He makes his way inside and sits right up at the bar, already occupied by a few people. He orders a drink (his usual: whiskey on the rocks) and waits for the impending opportunity for violence he is sure is lying in wait.

He cannot believe the shit that came out of ‘Pastor-fucking-David’s’ sick, perverted mouth and that he almost lost his job over it. He lets that thought charge him up into a rage, his fists clenched so tightly they are beginning to ache in the joints. He cannot believe that disgusting little fucker had the audacity to say that horrible scummy bullshit in his presence when he would do anything to protect that innocent child. He takes a drink of his whiskey and knocks it back in one gulp. He would do anything , ‘Lord’ only knows. He snickers to himself sinisterly.

And while he’s on the topic, fuck God! When had He ever done a single damn good thing for Joel his entire miserable life except maybe to give him Sarah and then take her away like she was nothing and not the entire light of the universe wrapped into a small, vulnerable person? Joel doesn’t know much about the bible, truth be told, but he remembers a few things from his Sunday school days. He remembers that people are created in the image of God and the stories he remembers most are from the Old Testament which heavily featured a God of absolute rage. Maybe that is the way he is god-like, built of anger and revenge and wrath and the sick, pathetic hunger for power that lurks inside most people.

But he also remembers Jesus being meek and mild. Joel never understood that desire until he had Sarah and then Y/N in his care. If Joel could snap his fingers and make himself some fundamentally kind and caring man he would, but he can’t. Joel Miller is not a good man. He tried to be for Y/N, he truly did, but look at everything he’s done in the time he’s known her: he used Erica to get financial stability and roof over his head, he’s cheated on her numerous times, he beat Aiden, a child, and everyday the weight of that guilt grows greater as he begins to truly understand how wrong that was, and he beat his babygirl’s pathetic excuse for a father (but still her father) in front of her. He also beat people in bar fights and that time at the gym. And the thing is: is he even a little bit sorry about any of it – except for maybe what he did to Aiden? No, not even a little. And he’d do all of it again if it could mean getting to spend time with his babygirl, Y/N, again. His babygirl who FUCKING DAVID tried to threaten!

And the problem is: who knows what that fucker is capable of? The police and the judicial system let him out after one year which can only be described as a colossal moral failure and a massive miscarriage of justice. It wouldn’t take much for David to really figure out where they lived and grab Y/N and throw her in his trunk like he did that poor other little girl. Maybe that’s paranoid, but Joel knows better than most that when a man wants to do a dark thing he will find a way to do it. Joel does not want to live his life constantly looking over his shoulder as some horrendous pedophile lives freely.

And then he turns his head to look down at the rest of the fairly busy bar and he sees him . None other than David himself, drinking a beer. Joel cannot believe his luck. It is like all of the light in heaven has aligned to give him such a gift. A part of him is screaming to not engage because Joel is sure he could kill him for what he said about Y/N. But the rest of him is already standing up and grabbing David by the shoulder and–

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get the fuck out of here now ,” he snarls. “Almost lost my job because of you, you sick fuck. You’re lucky I give you a warning and don’t wring your neck on the fucking spot.”

David turns around, Joel’s fingers digging into his shoulder.

“Proverbs 24:1 and 2,” he quotes calmly. “‘Do not envy wicked men or desire their company; for their hearts devise violence, and their lips declare trouble.’”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means perhaps I will be leaving. I don’t care to spend my time with wicked men such as yourself. And I have many preparations to make for what is to come. How is your daughter doing since we last met?”

Joel’s heart runs cold.

“Get my baby’s name out of your goddamned mouth .”

“Hope we run into each other soon,” David grins as he gets off the barstool and dislodges himself from Joel’s grip. “There is a lot I could teach her.”

He turns to leave. Disgusting coward, Joel thinks. He could let the man go. But then what? Live in fear of him? Let his precious Y/N live in fear of him? Joel is tired of living in fear, of resigning to a cruel man in a cruel world, and he will never do that or let Y/N do that ever again.

And then David leans in so close that Joel can smell the alcohol on his breath and the sweat on his skin.

“Can’t stop thinking about her pretty little hands around my–”

Joel doesn’t let him finish. In that moment he knows what will transpire. He picked this seedy-ass bar for a reason: so that no one will bother to stop him.

He lands the first punch with ease, doesn’t even feel the pain till minutes later. The force of the blow to David’s head is so strong he slams down into the ground. It is so violent that David’s eyelid starts to bleed and the skin around the impact spot becomes puffy and dark.

David shouts for help, but no one in this place gives a fuck and even if they did everybody knows who he is and what he did so they don’t give a shit two times over.

Joel continues the assault. Punch after punch reigns down on the other man as blood begins to coat his features. David tries to get a punch or two into Joel’s stomach, but Joel straddles each of his biceps and holds him down so he can continue hitting. The longer Joel hits, the better he feels. This time is different. This time he does not see the features of every man he’s ever hated in the face of his victim. This time he sees only David’s disgusting smirk in his mind’s eye. This time he only thinks about how he is saving Y/N from a lifetime of fear and cruelty. This time Joel will not let his adversary get a strike in first. This time he will be the one to stop the fate of impending devastation that lies in the palms of David’s shaking and broken hands. This time he can save her .

When Joel is done with his hands, he is panting heavily. He moves on to his feet, kicking the man’s gut sadistically, his trembling hands, his face. Crunch , goes David’s skull. And then he is not moving or breathing.

Joel stops.

A lick of fear trails against the inside of his stomach, but the rage, always the rage warms his stomach like a rush of flames.

So he keeps going. He bends back down and squeezes the man’s throat just to make sure. It’s good he did too because David’s bloodshot, viens-having-burst eyes snap open and David makes a pathetic little squealing noise and Joel squeezes harder, rougher, with more conviction.

In the end, it takes longer than he thought it would.

Joel only stops when he hears sirens blaring in the distance. He looks up for the first time since the assault started and sees all of the patrons staring at him in revulsion and fear. The bartender actually has the phone in her hand. Joel guesses she was the one to finally call the cops. He guesses he was so sadistic and violent that even this shitty place had seen enough. He thinks to run, briefly, but where would he run to? Everything he has ever wanted in life is now going to be closed off to him. But he saved Y/N and that makes everything worth it. It has to have been worth it.

Joel puts two scarred, calloused fingers to David’s pulse point, as blood (his and David’s) drips down from his knuckle onto the wooden floor and feels nothing.

When the cops handcuff him and take him away, he doesn’t resist. He comes quietly. He cannot ever really be a good man for Y/N, he understands that now, but at least now she and he may know some peace of mind after what he’s done.

***

The time leading up to the trial is a blur.

Erica pays for an excellent lawyer, but divorces him on the spot. It seems there are some things even she will not forgive, and apparently murder is one of them. She allows the children to see him one last time in cold, sterile police interrogation room. A court-appointed child advocate social worker must be present. They allow him to have his handcuffs taken off for the first time since he was arrested. The kids are told he accidentally killed someone in a bar fight and for legal reasons he leans into the “accidental” part.

Aiden comes in first. He knew who David was and tells Joel he did the right thing. Joel is surprised. He reaches out a limp hand, dirt caked under his fingernails, and shakes Joel’s for the first time since they’ve known each other and they part ways on good terms.

“You’re not my dad,” Aiden tells him quietly. “But you always put up a good fight to be there.”

And he leaves.

Joel is more touched than he wants to believe.

Y/N’s visit is much more difficult.

“How could you!?” she screams, standing by the door the second she sees him as he sits at the interrogation table, his chair turned toward her.

At first Joel thinks she means how could he killl another human being. Y/N didn’t seem to know who David was after all. But that’s not what she is mad about.

“How could you leave me!?” she shouts, tears in her eyes. “You’re going to be taken away from me! Mom is leaving you because of this and that means you aren’t like my dad anymore. You’re going to forget all about me and never get to see me again because you killed some dumb man who tried to give me a bible?”

“He was not a good man,” is all Joel can say.

He can’t be the one to tell her more, hasn’t told anyone how David had threatened her. Not even his lawyer. He doesn’t want to scare her, doesn’t want to admit to anyone he let those words even get to leave that shit stain’s mouth.

“I don’t care!” she shouts again. “I want you!”

And then she bursts into tears and runs into his chest and Joel holds her against his orange jumpsuit and starts to feel tears trickling down his own cheeks.

“Never gonna forget about you,” he nearly scolds her into hair. “How could you ever think that, baby? You’re my babygirl. I’ll get out one day and come right back to you, understand?”

“But Mom–”

“You’ll be grown by the time I get out and won’t have to worry about what she says. But I’ll tell you this: you might feel different about me by the time your grown up and however you feel I want you to know I’ll respect that. But I ain’t gonna forget about you. Not ever.”

“Your time is up,” the court-appointed social worker states.

“No!” Y/N shouts, burying herself deeper into Joel’s embrace. “NO! I’m not leaving! I won’t leave you!”

Joel hugs her back tightly, crying into the top of her head as she sobs softly into his chest.

In the end, the social worker has to pull her away as she screams.

“I love you, Y/N!” he calls to her as the social worker drags her from him. “Never gonna forget you, babygirl. Remember that.”

All Joel can hear back is a broken wail.

***

Erica attends the trial; the kids are forbidden. Joel’s defense claims it was a drunken accident and goes for manslaughter. Because he killed a known child molester he has no trouble while he waits in jail. He is even considered a hero by some. No one tries to fuck with him and that’s how Joel would prefer it since if he gets into too many fights it will just add to his sentence and he must get out and get back to his babygirl if she’ll still have him. His lawyer tells him not to mention the threats that David made toward Y/N because it will look like more of a reason that Joel would have had to intentionally kill him as opposed to accidentally like the manslaughter plea would have the court believe. Joel listens. He does exactly what he’s told because this lawyer is good and he needs to get out someday for christ sake.

In the end, he gets ten years and his lawyer tells him he could get eight for good behavior.

Eight years, if Joel can manage it.

They take him away to prison in handcuffs. Erica sobs. It is the last time he sees her.

***

Joel always wondered if his temper would land him in prison. Now that he’s here things go surpringly well. He gets a reputation for being the murderer of a child molestor and people respect him, listen to him when he bothers to speak. He keeps things in order and people start to refer to him as the “pod boss.” He also reads a lot in his cell, tries to help people with their cases and appeals if he can. And if someone steps out of line, Joel is more than happy to put them in their place so long as he can avoid attention from the guards, who he actually mostly gets along with to their faces, but behind their backs beats people to a pulp. No one ever dares to snitch on him and he is considered on the right track to get out for good behavior early.

Time passes — painfully long stretches of time.

He has a lot of time to think, to read. He reads every book in the prison library over the time he is incarcerated. He reads parenting books, self-help books, books on trauma, books on abuse, books on anger management, books on meditation, books on spirituality (nothing sticks in that regard though, he is still furious like God, but less so these days). Somehow his anger has started to simmer down a notch.

But he worries his babygirl will forget about him, or worse grow to hate him. He’s not sure he’ll survive that.

Luckily, or he might have withered away and died, somehow Y/N convinces Erica to let her write him a letter once a month and have one call with him on Christmas.

Christmases quickly become his favorite day of the year.

Y/N writes him religiously. She talks about how angry she is at him, how she misses him, how she finally fixed the motor on Joel’s old pickup truck, how some boy gave her a love letter on Valentine’s Day, how she thinks of him every day.

Joel never tells her what David said about her, lets her believe he is just some violent, drunken idiot. He writes back how much he misses her, how he read a new book this week, how prison food is shit, how he’d probably greet that boy with a shotgun if he thinks he’s getting anywhere with his babygirl, how his whole heart beats for her.

She’s allowed to send him one photo a year, her most current school photo, and Joel hangs them on the wall of his cell so he can see her beaming at him at his highest and lowest moments along with the tiny picture of Sarah he managed to save from his wallet.

Aiden even sends him a card each Father’s Day. It never has anything written in it except for whatever stupid pun or text the card came with, but Joel reads between the lines with that one. Each one seems to whisper to him louder and louder, I love you and I forgive you. Joel writes him back, “Thanks, kiddo. -Joel” He hope that conveys the thousands of sorrys he wants to scream from the rooftops and say straight to the boy’s face. He will someday when he gets out. He makes himself promise. He hears from Y/N when Aiden joins the marines.

When Joel gets to actually hear Y/N’s voice on the old prison phone it’s like the most beautiful sound he has ever heard except for maybe Sarah’s voice. She babbles away about her life and what’s she’s up to and he hangs on every word like gospel. He barely gets a word in, but prefers it that way. Wishes he could hear her singing. Once, when she’s sixteen, and sounds so woefully grown up it hurts Joel’s entire heart, she hums a little absentmindedly and he can’t get the sweet sound out of his head. Her love for him never seems to waver and that is a blessing that Joel will never forget, the only thing he would thank this cruel God for. And of course, his love for her never wavers either. She is the only beacon of light for him in this dark and mundane existence. She is his everything.

***

When Y/N is eighteen and no longer under her mother’s control, she comes to visit him in person. This is the first time they have seen each other in six years. Despite their loving correspondence, Joel is nervous to see her for the first time since her childhood. He worries about how awkward it might be.

When he sees her walking into the dinky little family meeting room, his entire mode of existence changes.

She looks so beautiful, so grown-up. Sure she had always been a cute little kid, Joel always thought that, but now she is a woman. Tears come to Joel’s eyes. When her eyes connect with his, he feels so seen .

He tries to get a word out, but before he can she is running to him, into his arms and Joel has never felt something so perfect in his entire life. He knows he has never felt a love like this before. Not even with Sarah…something about this is different somehow? Joel is not too in touch with his feelings, but he’s trying to be more attentive to them these days with nothing left to do but read about such topics as “emotional regulation” and “mindfulness.” He’ll come back to this thought later though…

Y/N begins to babble into his ear, something about missing him and not wanting it to be awkward, but this is the furthest from awkward Joel has ever felt.

Joel has never been a man of many words so all he can think to say is,

“Missed you, babygirl.”

She grins at that, brighter than all the suns of all the planets in the universe (Joel has been reading about those too) and he laughs for the first time in what feels like a lifetime.

She laughs too, wipes tears from her eyes, and says,

“Missed you too, Joel. More than you know.”

Joel thinks that can’t possibly be true for that is all he has known for the last six years and possibly his entire life: missing her.

She comes once a month, drives an hour just to see him, and she tells him about college and later her very own shitty apartment. Her mother has thrown herself into her work and Aiden is serving his second tour. She makes good grades and has a stable boyfriend that treats her well, she swears. Joel couldn’t be happier for her, except the boyfriend business does make him want to crush that little fucker’s head in for some reason.

***

The last time Y/N comes to visit before his release (eight years to the day for good behavior) (she is 20 damn years old already!) something feels different to Joel. When he hugs her to greet her, he’s suddenly very aware of her body, the curves of it, her softness. Her hair smells so good, he doesn’t want to let go of her and then to his intense dismay and shock he feels himself getting a little excited down south. Immediately, he lets go of her, feeling like a pervert, praying she didn’t and doesn’t notice. He doesn’t see any obvious signs from her and the two sit down (Joel rather quickly) at the flimsy, nailed-down table and they talk of Joel’s impending release. All the while, Joel is trying to stay calm. He convinces himself it was just an accident and that he hadn’t been around any women in what felt like an eternity and that’s what led him to get worked up. But when Y/N leaves to go home he feels a kind of dull longing in the bottom of his gut. A different kind of longing then what he had felt for a younger Y/N. Joel tells himself not to repress for the first goddamn time in his life and let himself feel. And he does. He feels butterflies and yearning and need, a great big need inside himself. And then he knows what else he feels: the gut-wrenching, unquenchable sensation of love and beneath that, primal, base, and self-loathing: desire .

In his solo cell (that he has acquired because he is the pod boss and respected) he jerks off to those thoughts, touches himself to those feelings. When he cums unusually hard, he feels an overwhelming amount of shame. Of this, Joel knows, he will never ever tell another soul. Joel also knows he will not hurt his babygirl any more than he already has, intentionally or not, not ever. But then again, being a good, upstanding man has never really quite been in his arsenal, has it?

Tags (LMK if you wanna be tagged!): @toxicanonymity @motelprincess444 @epicrainbowsheep @anama-cara @sheepdogchick3

@denileisariver @lochnymph @mewantpeepaw @fandomdaydreamer @r3dheadedwitch

PLEASE COMMENT LIKE REBLOG IM BEGGING IM PLEADING IM CRYING

PART 2 (coming soon)

Violent Heart Masterlist

Full Masterlist of all my work

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egg-crusher · 2 days

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New the amazing digital circus chapter came out and I want to talk about it

First the Candy Canyon Kingdom is a very nice setting, is basically just sugar rush from wreck it Ralph but I still like it

I like how they foreshadowes Pomni’s escape from the test room at the beginning with her falling on a cube causing the colíderes to go awry y send her flying to the ceiling

Gumigoo was great, I like how to shows the AI’s not being evil since the made up story Caine made is him stealing the syrup for his village, and even after discovering his live was a lie he still tried to help his lads

On the topic of “non evil ai” after hearing how Gumigoo was a good guy and the Fudge calling the princess wretched, I for one second thought she would be a twist villain, but nope, she’s really a good person

I also like how Caine and Bubbles seems to be the most primitive AI’s

The princess is calm and nice, Gumigoo friends are dumb but in a cartoony and not AI like way, Gumigoo is very good at being like a human, even Fudge is aware his a despicable and disgusting creature (although not for the murders but that’s just how he was made)

Meanwhile Caine can’t read the room or understand human emotions besides boredom being bad for their stability while not understanding the problems of deleting NPC’s the players get attached to, unlike Gumigoo which understood revealing the truth would be bad for them

Also the test room not having Gumigoo’s mum but having Fudge implies Caine planned they would fall into the pit, and since they couldn’t escape from that situation without fudge’s help implies letting Fudge into the kingdom was the way the adventure was supposed to end

Specially since Fudge was programmed to be able to walk in land, why else’s would he need it?

Caine doesn’t understand what can and can’t help their mental health so he wouldn’t see anything wrong in letting Fudge into the Kingdom

I find really funny how Jax was the evilest guy in the situation, unlike the Gloinks, here there’s a nuisance on the history with Fudge just being a monster in a pit (kinda like Moana, Maui isn’t pure evil and Teka isn’t evil either, Tamatoa is just vibing and waiting to do evil) but Jax is the one who wants to destroy the kingdom for the laughs

Note:fudge reminds me of “the great mighty POO” of conkers bad fur day

Also I really like how they didn’t brush of Kaufmo and showed they actually cared for him and is ultimately this act of kindness the thing that helps Pomni to see the circus as family

Note:notice how she didn’t add kinger to the ones saving her, maybe he didn’t appear because his hand wouldn’t be recognizable with the shading and all that but is still worth to mention

Also I like how Kinger acts supportive but forgets what he was saying mid sentence, I don’t know if he was faking madness or he’s really damaged. But I like how he really cares

Also the humans can just not go to Caine’s adventures like Zooble does which shows Caine isn’t evil but misguided

And before last I want to mention Caine not allowing other npcs in the grounds, he’s silence after saying “who knows what might happen” implies something, and seeing how some of the doors in the pilot have the faces of the mannequins implies he use to allow npcs but something happen

This makes me theorize someone MIGHT be a NPC, my money is on Kinger since he’s borderline unhinged and lasted for way too long to be normal

Also that would explain why there was a Queener, since the possibility of two humans getting the matching avatars is too small it makes me thing the two were NPC’s and during the accident Queener got deleted by something or someone and the only reason Kinger hasn’t abstracted is because he isn’t a human, him being a npc also explains how he knows so much of the circus

He might have been from a time NPC’s we’re allowed to be self aware of the circus being digital, maybe that’s why Caine hasn’t upgraded his AI since that would risk him going crazy or give up like Gumigoo almost goes

Also Maybe Kinger mental state must be because of Caine, if Caine deleted Queener then Kinger must have been angry but for some reason Caine choose to make him forget making Kinger the forgetful king he is now days but Caine must have forgotten about Kinger being a NPC

this is the same Caine who let that unfinished exit door roam around which caused Kaufmo to get abstracted, it wouldn’t surprise me he also forgot Kinger was a NPC

And for last I want to mention the last scene being a direct parallel of the last scene of the pilot, all the crew is reunited and Pomni comes to a realization as a version of the theme song starts

Except of being massive and dreadful, here is hopeful and calm. Instead of looking at the camera and ignoring everyone while going crazy with a crazy smile filled with despair, she focuses on the others and genuinely smiles

The camera starts moving away but in a much slower manner as the music slowly ends with a simple calm piano instead of a massive chaotic orchestra

The finale of episode 2 is a opposite of the pilot, being a small note of hope compared to the dreadful realization of Episode 1

#the amazing digital circus #pomni #gummigoo #Zooble #princess loolilalu #fudge #tadc caine #caine #jax #tadc ragatha #tadc kinger #tadc queener #theory #analysis

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expectopatronum81 · 2 days

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I'll never understand why Lily is always just portrayed as a perfect social justice warrior who's some golden standard for the boys to try and reach up to and who's right all the time instead of an actual, flawed person. We hardly have anything about her in canon, so why do ppl insist on sticking to the same trope? I have often seen lily being portrayed as rather complex, in the sense of examining how the society impacts her, but not in the sense of being her being flawed or not immediately (or ever) right about/ good at everything

Prejudice is ingrained in the wizarding world, those fuckers like to hate on literally everyone, so there's a huge chance that their literature is going to be biased as well. Give me a lily who's trying to understand and navigate this completely new world with mythical creatures from scratch and who believes what the society tells her about them (even decent wizards like the Weasleys had certain prejudices, like against werewolves,half giants, and house elves,it's not just the Slytherins and DEs, so how can she tell what's right or wrong immediately?), and who takes a while to understand that it's the same sort of prejudice she's facing (much like ppl in the real world). Give me a lily who doesn't immediately, or ever, completely understand the complications of politics and the upcoming war as well as, say, characters like Sirius because, well, she's still a child who's new to all of this, and it's not the sort of thing she's ever had to concern herself with (unlike Sirius who grew up in a family that placed heavy influence on social standing). Give me a lily who's ready to make excuses for Snape not out of any reason that would make her look sympathetic, but simply because it wasn't affecting her personally until now (before anyone tries to point to that incident of her calling Snape out on his friends hexing Mary McDonald, she only raised concerns about Snape's company coz they performed dark magic, not because of their racist beliefs).

Or if that's too much to handle, we could at least stick to the few flawed things she does in canon. Like when she doesn't care to listen to Snape's version of the werewolf incident and relies on rumours instead, or when she almost smiles when Snape's pants are being exposed in front of a jeering crowd. People try to spin that around too to make Lily's perspective understandable and sympathetic, and sure, everyone has their own takes, but idk, there seems to be this great necessity to make it such that she's not viewed in a negative light for anything

Hot take, but ppl like to go on abt how women in fiction or in the fandom are critiqued too much, how people can't handle complex female characters, and how much they support women's wrongs, but they always end up confining female characters to being Good and Right all the time and characterize any constructive criticism/negative portrayal of the character as being wrong or mysoginistic.

#harry potter #mauraders #lily evans meta #lily evens #lily potter #anti lily evans #anti lily potter #in a good way #hp ladies #marauders era #women's wrongs

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saphflare · 20 hours

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Personal take on "Chayanne as a Glass Child Interpretation" that no one asked for

===

Apparently people have been using the "Chayanne has glass child syndrome" thing to rag on q!Philza, which I haven't seen, at least not overtly. Or at least not with the purposeful intent of labelling q!Philza completely as a Bad Parent. But I can get why ppl would feel like that is an attack on his character (*stares at DSMP*)

But I also kinda wish some ppl understood that when we interpret the fact that Chayanne is a glass child, it isn't necessarily to blame q!Philza and his parenting.

please

Because anyone that has a singular critical thinking brain cell can see that the man is trying so fucking hard to raise his two children, and that he loves both of them so much. And that is the sad thing isn't it. Because the thing about glass children is that practically always it is not intentional, and the parents never mean to neglect or force their more capable/older children to become so. That it is often just a consequence of the circumstances of their lives together, and it is something that isn't obvious most of the time until it of course becomes an issue. That for all the efforts of the caretaker(s), they sometimes need to focus on one child more because of their needs and that is perfectly understandable, especially if it is health needs. But as a result, there are gaps in the support and needs of the family. And so, other children in the family that are capable of helping just end up doing so because additional aid and care is needed.

And if you especially look at the Death family's circumstances, we can see those circumstances in play. That the island is dangerous compared even to "normal" society, with the government system provides little to no additional care for its residents & their families. If not downright making it basically punishing them because they have children, due to needing to work for additional resources for their kids (cookies, tasks, etc.) And then there are the monsters and external forces trying to kill and torment all of them. Now that is already fucked, but then you consider the fact that Philza has two children, as he is their primary caretaker due to q!Missa's frequent absence. Which not blaming q!Missa, as the family still loves him and like probable lore reasons, but regardless that adds to the circumstances of the family. That q!Philza is the only one, for the majority of the time, responsible for two kids instead of just one for most of the other parents.

Which again, I will say that other residents also help out with taking care of other eggs of their own and all that, I won't deny that. But they can't always know or be able to pinpoint all things that the two children specifically need or be reliable as the island limits their ability to help.

That at the end of the day, Philza in specific is considered the official guardian for Chayanne and Tallulah, and the one that they spend most time with in their development on the island.

That with the constant danger and additional circumstances surrounding them, it is no wonder that Chayanne ended up taking more responsiblity, becoming more mature in the process. That like any other kid that could see their family struggling and also feel it, he wanted to help his dad. And especially at first, when they had Tallulah and it was evident she needed support due to her asthma and health issues (aka internet issues). She needed not just the support of Philza, who was already lacking consistent support of a partner, but also her brother to help out in case. That it might not have been the intention for Chayanne to take on these burdens or have to grow up so fast, but it happened out of necessity.

That it was as a result of everything they have faced on that island, both good and bad, for Chayanne to have turned out the way he has now and before.

And, I want to stress this so fucking much that neither Philza nor Tallulah are responsible for this. No one in this family is completely at fault because for fucks sakes it isn't exactly like they fucking meant for Chayanne to be a parentified child. That yes their circumstances contributed to to the situation, but that is the same as saying the island has given them lemons and they had to just do the best with it. And that in some ways, they are still growing out of their original dynamics, even months now that they have changed so much and literally have been displaced onto a new place. That in this manner specifically, Philza sometimes still falls into the same mentality in believing Tallulah is still the same little girl that he needs to constantly look out for, when she has become so much more and grown to be able to defend herself. Honestly almost, if not, just as well as Chayanne. But I also acknowledge that he has improved quite a bit, and given her much more freedom and autonomy, especially since they all reunited after Purgatory. But he is still getting used to it, and even in these few months, he has learned to give them room to grow a bit.

Also, I don't blame him for sometimes falling back on the old habits considering you know the dangers he is so guarded against are real and most definitely out to get him and his eggs.

The whole thing of people having flaws and making mistakes yada yada ya, they don't know everything they need to do all the time, especially with things changing constantly and all that shit.

And in some ways, I look at Chayanne right now and I see he is more of a glass child healing from their early circumstances. That his family has acknowledged in some way that he had to take on so much more than what a kid should have. And while I don't think they have unpackaged everything, and that it something that will take a lot more time. Not to mention all the new issues that pop up every other fucking day (for void sake, let this family have a goddamn break). But the thing is they are improving. That they are definitely moving towards that direction in which they are looking in retrospect of what they had to deal with and realizing things. And then, they are having conversations about it together.

And look, for all the things you can say about Death Family, they are all trying their best. That yes perhaps their family is dysfunctional due to fact that it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to cultivate a healthy stable and safe environment for them to grow up in. And yes, of course there are interpersonal issues and current trauma that they need to work through because of all the things they experienced on the island, there are issues in every family, small or big that needs to be worked through. But that doesn't negate the fact that they are trying so hard to the best of their abilities because of each other. That it is undeniable that they have sought to improve and grow and become who they are because they love their family, and hold each other closely in their hearts. That they are still people actively trying to discover things about themselves. And it will always be a struggle in their places as the family they are, but they do so out of love for each other.

But yes whole point is, "Chayanne has experiences that can be comparable to that of a glass child" and "q!Philza is a flawed person that is trying his best" and "Death Family is dysfunctional but also loving of each other" are all statements that can exist together.

Death Family isn't perfect and I love them for that <3

#qsmp #qsmp death family #qsmp philza #qsmp chayanne #qsmp tallulah #qsmp analysis #qsmp fandom crit #saph rambles #is this a hot take i dunno know #but i was getting a bit annoyed with ppl going - oh Chayanne isn't a glass child just ppl being mean to Philza for no reason -_-#<--- Me as an oldest child specifically relating to Chayanne because of experiences having a parent that means well but shit *circumstances #also if I do see anyone shit on any of the Death Family members for Chayanne being glass child or blah blah I am smacking you SHUT #i love death family specifically because they are flawed and imperfect but its undeniable they love each other #and because of that they are trying so hard to improve and go on for each other by facing the fact they have unintentionally hurt each othe #and it is hard but that is the process of making amends and taking accountability so they can heal and i feel so normal about it #i just like yapping about death family my cubitos <3

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nocturnalazure · 15 hours

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Character Focus: Romeo (Part I)

This is Romeo's first line:

Little did he know.

Feel the pressure yet, Romeo?

Then Gilles de Rais comes in (we never see his face but we know it's him, right? *wink wink*) and proposes a deal with Luca Pastorini to get rid of the entire Golzine line. Romeo is clearly not on board... and as usual, his father shut him up.

Romeo, the honorable man entrapped in a less than honorable life by a homophobic, abusive father...

Caught in the act, he has no choice but to lay low and obey. Which he has always done before anyway.

Luca is not only abusive towards his son. He is an absolute shit to his wife as well. So much so that she... is not exactly in her right mind most of the time.

Zeke is the only person who knows and understands what the family is going through under Luca's reign of terror.

Romeo hates his father's scheming. When invited to Nathaniel and Ivy's funeral, he looks away.

Laurie notices.

Anyway, probably because of the scandal, Luca sends his son on what is basically a suicide mission to off Laurie directly. We get a glimpse of his relationship with his wife, Georgia. An arranged marriage, there is clearly no love lost between them.

Their communication is so bad that Georgia doesn't even tell him she's pregnant before he goes. She had to know he was caught with a man, and feels humiliated and lonely.

Poor Romeo finds himself in what he describes as a grey and cold city, with the mission to kill a young boy or to be killed himself.

With his father constantly on his back to shoot Laurie before the Hei clan does, Romeo finally gets an opportunity when Laurie is alone on his parents' grave.

Unsurprisingly, he can't do it... Good thing too because it was a trap.

At this stage, Romeo is quite sure that he's going to die. He's ready, even asking for it. Even Erik looks mollified for a second.

Which brings us... to Romeo's capture.

Laurie tries to barter for Romeo's life with Luca, but realizes with shock that Luca doesn't care about his son's fate.

He's got nothing left to lose, so he openly admits to being gay for what must be the first time in his life.

Still very much convinced that he's going to die one way or another, he makes a last wish for his mother.

But Laurie has other plans for him...

On to Part II!

#ts3 #sims 3 #sims 3 story #character development #romeo pastorini #character focus

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wolfs-archive · 3 days

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"So what? Does that change my love towards you?" Part 1

Masterlist || Part 2

Summary: A casual day to the coffee shop makes Hyunjin fall in love with barista Y/N who is also a student but with a different major at the same college, hiding his identity he catches up casually and they fall in love initially. What happens when Y/N finds the true identity about Hyunjin. Read more to know what happens.

Pairing: Student!Hyujin X BaristaFemaleStudent!Y/N

Genre: angst, fluff, suggestive, mentions of marriage, drunk confessions.

Note: The Hyunjin or the other members mentioned here are no where related to the idol Stray Kids and are just a fictional character. Minors DNI please!!!

"Hyun, how about we go to have some americano in the nearby cafe?" asked Felix. "Yep, let's go!!!! Han wanna tag along ?" asked Hyunjin. " Yep" Han replied.

"Welcome to Stay Cafe" said a sweet voice. "How may I help you sir?" asked the same sweet voice. Hyunjin whose eyes was fixated on the phone, " 3 large iced americanos please" he said. She repeated his order and handed the bill over to him. Hyunjin took away the bill and went with his friends to grab a seat. A few minutes later, "Order Number 143, your 3 large iced americanos ready to go" as she said, Hyunjin walked to collect his order; the first time he saw her, he felt something gravitated him towards her,like missing pieces in a puzzle or maybe a soulmate connection? Though Hyunjin came from an affluent family, he never played with the heart of other girls and had his own principles. He had never got interested in any girl either. The moment he saw her, "It would be nice if I marry her" he though. "Mr. Sexy dynamite Hwang? Why are you blocking the way?" asked Jisung snapping him from his thoughts. Seeing him all flustered and mumbling to himself the same words again, Han new what was going on in Hyune's mind. "Excuse me, what's wrong with you? Why are you looking as if you are possessed?" Felix asked. "I, I am going to marry her.... I don't know what her name is or who she is. But, she is going to be Mrs. Hwang" he said. The moment those words came out of his mouth, Han and Felix knew the real intentions. Hyunjin never liked the marriage talks, but something coming out from his mouth made the sunshine twins realise that he was not toying and he was serious. "Excuse me, may I know who that barista is?" asked Hyun to a barista who was cleaning the next table pointing towards the owner of the sweet voice girl. "She is Y/N, Y/L/N" replied the girl. She also added, "Y/N is a part timer and she is studying Computer Science in SKZ University". He thanked her and after she left, "Woah, I didn't know our college had such a beautiful girl. Computer major, then Lee Know and I.N must know her" he said.

Chan, Lee Know, Hyunjin, Changbin, Han, Felix, Seungmin, I.N were close friends since school, and got into the same university with different majors, but shared a house together. Though Hyunjin's parents owned the universities and some other too, he was never the type to show it off. It was just the group who knew about him, the rest of the college treated him as a normal person. Lee Know and I.N majored in Computer Science, Hyunjin and Felix in Designing, Chan, Changbin in Production, Seungmin and Han in Music.

Y/N, Y/L/N was a beautiful girl with boba eyes which always sparkled when she spoke. A friendly girl, talented one, helpful in nature, had a good attitude, also a good student. To be precise, she was just God's favorite child. She had caring parents, a doting sister. But life isn't life when everything goes smoot isn't it? Y/N's sister Yun Hee died 3 years ago. The reason for the tragedy, she loved Ha-joon, the only son of JYP Buildings, due to the difference in status, Ha-joon's family did not approve of their relationship. Rather than living apart after fighting for over 4 years, the duo decided to commit suicide. From then onwards, Y/N hated affluent people. She took a vow never to step into their boundaries at any cost.

"Lee Know, I.N where are you two?" shouted Hyunjin in excitement as he entered the hall of their dorm. "What is it?" asked Lee Know. "The thing is... there is this girl in your department right Y/N, by any chance do you talk with her? he asked. "When you yelled my name, I definitely knew nothing good would come out of it" he said. In addition to that, "Yea, Y/N is in my class, we do talk sometimes. She helps me a lot. A nice girl" he said. "You don't like her right?" a curious Hyun asked. "What do you mean like, I like her, everyone in our class likes her, even our I.N liked her" he said. "No.. Not like that, as in you don't have any feelings for her right?" he asked. "Ai... no way, she isn't my type." he said. Sensing these words come out, he further warned him, "Hyun, do you know what will happen if your parents come to know about it? " he asked. "Dude, I get that my parents are strict, but if it is something I really want, they wouldn't mind it" he retorted." If that's your choice, then we are no one to stop you. Hope you find happiness with her. She is really a nice girl." said Lee Know. "But from what I heard from one of her friends is that she doesn't like affluent people because...." and I.N said the whole story. "I'll take care of it" Hyun responded.

The next day, Lee Know, Hyunjin, and Chan went to the same cafe. Hyun had asked Lee Know to introduce her. When Lee Know went to order drinks, she got them ready and served it herself, just because she knew him. He then introduced the two naming their departments and as Y/N leaned forward to shake hands, "Y/L/N, I love you, would you mind being my girlfriend ?" Hyunjin had asked, leaving Y/N flabbergasted. "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested" she said. "Woah, I knew Hyunjin was upto something, but I didn't expect something like this" Chan mumbled to Minho. "Why?" he asked her. An amazed Y/N said, "This is the first time we ever meet, I don't know anything about you. " she said. "Trust me, let's go on 3 dates, and by the 3rd date, if you still don't change your mind, then I promise, I'll never ever disturb you" he said. Y/N hesitated, but deep inside, the moment she met Hyunjin the first time, she felt butterflies. How could such a beautiful man exist she thought to herself. She made it a point to remind herself that he was just a customer and not to fall for him. Today when she saw him again she felt really happy. She didn't know the reason for her happiness. "Just believe me, you might miss wonderful days, if you don't accept it. I'm sure, I'll sweep you off your feet" he stated. "Okay, but just 3 dates, and you need to comply with my decision" she replied. "Deal" he challenged her.

"Y/L/N, are you serious? Did you really accept the 3 date challenge from the Design department Hyunijn? Wow, seems like fate. Just yesterday you told he was handsome and today you are telling me he asked you on a date. Sorry dates" remarked Lily, Y/N's dormmate, who has been Y/N's friend since elementary school. "He said, he'll sweep me off my feet, didn't he? Let me see what he is up to" she said sipping her beer.

The next day, Hyunjin came to Y/N's class. "Sexy dynamite Hwang, what are you doing in my department?" Lee Know asked with the hereditary Lee smirk on his face. "He must have come to see Y/N" said I.N. Hyunjin waited till Y/N's arrival, as soon as she entered, he went towards her, "Our first date is on Sunday, at 10:00 AM, wear comfortable cloths, I'll pick you up from your dorm" he said. Before Y/N could reply anything, he winked at her and left the class before waving to Lee Know and I.N.

Saturday evenings were usually for girls night, but Sunday being special for her, she didn't take the chance of partying. It would be a sin to lie if she said she was not excited for the date. Y/N tossed and turned the whole night and in no time she was sound asleep. Sunday arrived, she got ready, all dolled up with Lily helping her with her makeup. When she went downstairs, she couldn't believe herself; Hyunjin with his hair loose, and black shade wearing a white t shirt topped with a denim overcoat, ran his fingers through his hair looking like a sculpture. As they proceeded on their way to their date, Hyunjin spoke "Y/N iee I don't mind getting rejected by you, but trust me I want you to be yourself, I like you for who you are, and will love you no matter what. After all you are my first love." he said. A curious Y/N asked, "First love?". "Yep, I have never laid my eyes on any other girl. The moment I saw you I saw an instant spark. Maybe soulmate connection, that's why I asked about you to Lee know and I.N " he said. As they conversed, they reached their destination, the amusement park.

"Which ride do you wanna go first" Hyunjin asked Y/N. "Anything of your choice, but before this I want to make one thing clear. I will equally pay for everything. I don't like one person spending it. Deal?" she asked. "Y/N, I'm no man if I don't pay for you. Which man lets his date pay for herself?" he retorted. "Please Hyunjin" she pleaded with doe eyes. Too smitten by love, he accepted her request. The couple had fun riding the ferris wheel, the roller coaster and the bumper car. Hyunjin who wanted Y/N to feel close to him asked his mate's advice the previous day. "Hyun, rather than any nice ride, trust me; every girls would like the haunted house." said Changbin "When she gets afraid, you can tell her it is nothing and she would feel safe about the thought" he further added. Trusting him, he asked her if they wanted to go to the haunted house. Hyunjin had initially planned that Y/N would get scared and he could get close to her to pamper her. But the moment he stepped in, the complete opposite happened. The entire course of their journey through their haunted house, Hyun yelled like there was no tomorrow and clanged on to Y/N who really had a hard time dealing with him. Y/N really felt butterflies inside her stomach the moment he clang on to her. Though he did not realise the effect he created on her. He had shouted the entire time that others around started looking at their direction. After the chaos at the haunted house, the duo had their lunch and proceeded to go home. Something in the corner of the heart made Y/N fall for him unknowingly to her. After dropping her in front of her apartment, before she could go inside he "Y/N than you for trusting me and coming out with me today. I'm not glossing over, but this has to be definitely one of the best days of my life" he said. Covering the blushing creeping up over her cheeks, Y/N smile and thanked him again, for she too spent a happy day with him.

From then onwards, Hyun rather than attending his design courses was found to be seen tagging along with Lee Know and I.N only just to watch Y/N. According to him, it was a face he would never get tired of watching. Also during the part time jobs of Y/N, Hyunjin made it a point to meet her everyday in the name of grabbing a drink just to refresh himself.

A few days later, the couple went on to their second date which was a beach, the duo enjoyed their time with the waves and decided to go to a park to spend the afternoon. Slowly, Y/N realised she was falling even deeper for the guy who confessed his feelings to her. A part of her wanted to enjoy the dates another part of her felt sad at the thought of getting apart after the event. It was like Hyunjin fell first, but Y/N fell harder. As days progressed, Y/N's thoughts were completely filled with Hyun. The number of text messages, calls and the meetings at the colleges increased day by day.

The final date was a dinner date, when Hyunjin pleaded he would want to pay completely for the so called final date. Y/N accepted. Hyunjin had told Y/N to dress up nice since he had other plans. Y/N who usually wore clothes which usually covered a lot of herself, today decided to go by knee length sleeveless black dress, Hyunjin at the sigh of Y/N was completely mesmerised and left speechless. The entire drive had Hyunjin focussing on Y/N rather than the road. After the dinner, Hyunjin proceeded to take her to her dorm. When Hyunjin was supposed to turn left instead of right, Y/N questioned him. "Y/N our date is not over yet. I have a little surprise for you" he said. As they drove towards a river, on the count of 5 fireworks filled the sky which was scenic. Y/N watched the sky with love and Hyunjin watched Y/N with love. The fireworks were progressing, he went to the car. When he came back, Y/N was still busily watching the beauty, he then suddenly went on one knee, "Y/L/N, never have I loved anyone like you, and never will I ever. You have been flooding my thoughts to the extent that I smile like an idiot even at the times of doing some serious work. I really love you, and wish to spend the rest of my life with you" he confessed. A teary eyed Y/N who planned on accepting his love during her 2nd date, hugged him and leaned forward to kiss him. Hyunjin who didn't expect that was confused but let it in after realising what had happened. He then drove her to her dorm, before letting her out," Thanks Y/N, I'll make sure you will never regret this decision in your life" he said. She again hugged him, "Thanks for showering so much love Hyunjin, I really don't know if I deserve those. But honestly as a man of your words, you did sweep me off your feet" she said.

Y'all, this is not the end. It definitely has a Part 2. I really didn't want to make the story too long, so I decided to make it in parts. Thankyou for all your support. When I initially posted a poll, I really didn't have any idea as to how to take the story further. But your guys' polls made me do it. Please feel free to correct if any errors in here and it would really be grateful to hear your comments about my story.

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bearhugsandshrugs · 18 hours

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Tavtash Tag Game :3

I want to learn more about you and your Tavs! – tagged by the creator of this lovely game, @crystal-overdrive <3 thank you so much!

I've been so late to tag so idk who already has done this, but it was a great reason to go back through the Tavtash post and follow some people so I'm tagging a bit randomly @nusaran @littleplasticrat @dracolichbitch @defira85 @vela-ad-astra @lynmeril @camotherogue - and anyone else who wants to do it! Also @crystal-overdrive has anyone tagged you yet? if not I'm tagging you too!

Tell us a bit about your Tav!

Tav Ophal is a bard from a noble family in Amn, though she left her family when she came of age. She's determined, witty, soft hearted, and loyal. She's in her 30s, has a younger half-sister and is not on super good terms with her father, but adores her step-mother.

What alignment is your Tav? How does that align or clash with Gortash? Do they agree with him morally?

She's chaotic good, sometimes leaning towards neutral. Her personal freedom is massively important to her so she won't particularly care about the methods to achieve that (within certain limits), but she doesn't like suffering, for anyone. She also believes in the good of people, hoping to make the world a better place. Yes, she knows it's dumb, let her be. She's a silly little bean.

In the way to place her freedom very highly and being pragmatic about what's needed to be done to secure power, she's quite closely aligned with Enver. With the distinction that she deeply cares for at least some others.

What God does your Tav follow? Is Gortash's position as Bane's chosen an issue?

Tav's not very religious. She learned the hard way that she has to rely on herself first and foremost, so she wouldn't consider bowing to a god. She might drop a prayer here and there towards whatever god might be fitting a specific purpose, but nothing regular.

Gortash's position isn't so much an issue because he had to reject the Banites in order to rule with her. Ultimately she probably wouldn't even care that he worships Bane per se as it's a god that's frequently evoked from people craving discipline and rules. As long as he doesn't bring his tyrannical shit to her and make it her problem (or that of others, for that matter) – but then he had to start an insane plot to take over the world. Gdi, Enver.

What did your Tav think of Gortash when they first met?

"Great. Father would love him."

Did they take his offer of an alliance?

She initially did not take him up on the alliance but ended up as co-ruler anyway, for other reasons that had little to do with him.

How did Gortash and your Tav get together? What do they see in each other?

Uhhhh how they get together: Here is a whole fic on it. I think they both see each other for who they are. They peek behind each other's masks that they wear for almost everyone else. That's exciting, and unnerving, and there's plenty of denial initially because of that. And last but not least they just genuinely like the other, against their better judgment (and initial intentions).

What does the future hold for your Tav and Gortash? Are they in a relationship, a one time thing, are they going to rule the sword coast together or kill each other in a tragic showdown?

Hehe. Guess you have to read the fic to find out! :P

#enver gortash #oc: tav ophal #tavtash #gortash x tav

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randomtasteinfandoms · 1 day

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exile| aaron hotchner

summary| returning to her hometown, lehighton dawson's relationship with her unit chief gets revealed

"Are you being serious right now Aaron! I'm barely back on the team for a month and you're excluding me from cases?" I storm into the room as all eyes fall onto me, JJ was standing with the remote in hand reading the case information to the team while Garcia stumbles into the room behind me, failing her mission to make me late enough to miss the briefing. A mission which was set into motion upon the unit chief's request.

"I'm sorry sir, I tried-" "It's alright, Garcia."

After an abrupt resignation from the team about a year and a half ago, for reasons much unknown to my teammates, I decided to return to Quantico and the life... and people i left behind. Straight out of college, at the ripe age of 23, I joined the team of experienced profilers. Experienced as they were, however, none of them could profile me from the second I stepped into the BAU... and it was wonderful. Even with our rules about not profiling each other, we still do. And it can be suffocating, at least I can only imagine. We spend enough time with each other as a group that they do not need to know every single thing about me and my personal life. Hell my personal life could've costed me my job.

From Rossi to Derek, all the way to unit chief Aaron Hotcher, the people who knew me better than myself at times, could not read me even after working together for years. Unintimidating as I might look, stood at roughly 5'5 with long mousy brown hair and blue eyes, Derek would even admit to being scared of me in one way or another. Everyone on the team had met a case that shook them to their core and caused them trauma, expect me... besides the case that caused me to leave the team.

It was no secret I had a good relationship with our unit chief, it became no secret the moment I joined Rossi and Strauss in being the only people who call him by his first name and not his last.

My 'power' as Garcia puts it, comes in handy in many ways in the world of my job. Unsubs can't tell if you're lying and the team could never profile my relationship with Aaron Hotchner.

Looking at the screen, like most times, it's a line up of women. Around the same age group, red heads and brunettes. Snatching the closest file, in this case it happens to be Spencer's, my eyes scan over the case and they land on one specific detail... the location. "You've gotta be kidding me-" I scoff, throwing the case file back onto the table in front of Spencer. "There is a serial killer in my hometown, where MY FAMILY lives and you thought the best thing would be to keep it from me?" "It's considered a conflict on interest." Aaron Hotchner says lying straight threw his teeth. "You shouldn't be talking to me about conflicts of interest Aaron." A gasp filled the room at the knife I just turned in the side of Aaron Hotchner. I knew it hurt, but I didn't care. He was being ridiculous.

"Hotch, maybe Leighton's right." Derek spoke, seeing the tension fill between his boss and coworker. "Yeah, she could give us inside information. She knows the area well and the people." Emily now joined in on my side. Hotch stood shaking his head. "Aaron I don't care what you say, I'm going on this case with or without your permission- Wheels up in 30." I speak, disrespect filling my voice. If I was any other agent, Aaron would've yelled and suspended me in a heartbeat. But I wasn't any other agent. I'm Leighton Dawson and he can't handle loosing me again.

"You know, for there being a killer on the loose and our very own Lehighton Dawson being from Acosta, we really know nothing about this town." Derek slyly speaks, sliding himself into the seat across from me on the jet. Spencer next to me and JJ across from him. Rossi and Hotch were both sat across the isle from us and Emily on the couch behind us, who soon joined on the arm rest besides Derek. I shrug, only glancing up from the file for a moment before returning to it.

“What do you want to know? It’s like every other small town on the east coast.” “What a description, what kind of trauma did it cause you for you to be talking about it like that?” Emily was joking and I knew it but I couldn’t help the death glare that I shot her way. Maybe it was my look that made her regret saying it, or perhaps it was the even harder glare Hotch was sending her as well. “It was a joke.” Emily quickly clarified, I nod at her apologetically. “I’m sorry, it’s just, I don’t like it there. It’s that simple.” I didn’t even need to glance at Aaron to know what his facial expression was. His jaw was set tight. He and only he knew my story and they made him angry. Despite the worse conditions he was raised in, the fact that I had smaller burdens still bother him in a way I can’t understand.

“Are you doing okay?” Aaron suddenly appears at my side, I’m standing staring into the room where Chrissy Langdon’s parents and 3 sisters were sitting. Chrissy and I had graduated together, we were friends and worked together, however, we ended our high school experience on bad terms. JJ was speaking to them after I already had. They were a mess. It was horrible to watch. After three days of being in Acosta and no clues, leads or anything, this was not what the team needed. This is not what I needed. “This is honestly one of the worst days of my entire life.” Aaron side eyes me in that moment, he knows that this day does not remotely make it to the top 10 of my worst list, but he understands what I’m trying to say. I must have looked so defeated at that moment. “I told you, you should've come.” “You know, as a bitter teenager, I wished this girl dead so many times-” Aaron’s face drops at my sudden confession. “Hell, I wished myself dead so that she felt some type of pain, but I never actually meant that you know?” From a body jerk, I could tell, he was about to reach out and place a hand of comfort on my shoulder, but he stopped himself, he didn’t want to cross a line.

“We will find whoever did this Lehighton.” Derek’s voice pulled me back into the moment. All eyes of the team were staring me down in my chair at the table. The noise of the restaurant was all I could focus on. “Is it bad that I honestly don’t care at this moment. I have nothing left to feel anymore.” Little did the rest of the team know, right before leaving for dinner Emily had to come into my hotel room and pick my sobbing, hyperventilating body off of the floor. “You’re tired, we’re all tired. Something will come up, I can feel it.” JJ added, trying to give a glimpse of hope to our seemingly hopeless team. “Lehighton Dawson?” My head snaps at the voice, Sierra Deacon and Lillian Ross. 2 girls I met in high school and followed through with me to college and both ended back in Acosta working as river guides and park rangers in the surrounding area. “Holy cow!” I jumped at the sight of them, they were comforting in this situation. Sierra was also friends with Chirssy in high school, I really needed her at this moment. My moment of peace came to a close as I opened my eyes while in the middle of a 3 way hug with them and the other guides they came into the restaurant with came into view. Carson White, my first ex-boyfriend. The one who made me finally decide to leave this town and never look back. “Carson?” My body fell lump in their arms and they both let go and allowed me to step back, defensively. “Hey Lehighton, how the hell are ya?” He reached forward for a hug, and my body snapped stiff as he touched me. I vowed to never let this man ever touch me again. Before I could process, Aaron was at my side while Derek was at the other and bless him, Spencer stood behind me. “Aaron Hotcher, unit chief.” “What he means, we work with Lehighton at the FBI, Derek Morgan.” Derek steps in. “Nice to meet you- Didn’t know you made it to the FBI.” “Funny what you could learn if you don’t block people.” Sierra speaks under her breath and I can’t help but laugh very loudly at the uncomfortable situation. As my catch my breath, I could feel tears forming in my eyes, and Aaron’s hand on my back

I didn’t notice Aaron on the lobby couch when I ran from the hotel early that morning. It was misting and blurry, my glasses were not on and I didn’t want to see anything. I just wanted to run, run from this town, run from these people, run from the killer, run from the team, run from my past. I didn’t know where I was going, but I ran. I ran until it reached the graveyard on Flinton, there I slowed as I walked along the paths through the graves. It felt disrespectful to run here. Flinton was the road of my alma mater, the road of my grandparents place, and the road of Carson White’s parents house. As the rain picked up Aaron’s voice came from behind me, I didn’t jump. My subconscious must have known he was following me this whole time. “Lehighton, it’s pouring. Let’s go back.” “And what Aaron! Find absolutely nothing that will help us find Chrissy’s killer!” At Aaron’s face dropping when I turn around, it makes me aware of the fact that I was crying. How long have I been crying? “We will find the person who did it, Lehighton, I can promise you that. It’s a white male, between 25-35. He knows the area-” “Oh well that’s just great Aaron, fuck it could be anyone here. It could be Mo Jo from down the block, it could fucking be Carson White!” “Do you think Carson White could be a suspect in this case?” “I don’t fucking know Aaron! I don’t want anything to do with this case anymore! The things that I’ve lost here, the people I knew, it seems like they got me surrounded for miles and miles and I don’t want that! I left here and promised to never come back.” I feel my knees smack into the blacktop below me and Aaron’s arms are around me the next second. “It’s ok, let’s get you back to the hotel.”

“It was personal-” “What was personal?” The whole team turns to Aaron as he arrives late to the station that morning, Lehighton still nowhere to be seen. “Where’s Lehighton?” “Lehighton is off the case, now, what was personal.” He kept it short as he sat down. “Chrissy’s killing. It was definitely the same unsub, based on the MO but something about this murder was personal.” Aaron had a hard look on his face, like he had something to say but didn’t know if or how to say it. “What Hotch?” “Lehighton said something today, something about Carson White possibly being our guy.” “Her ex? Does she have anything to back it up?” “Wait, Lehighton and Chrissy went to high school together right?” “Right.” “And this kill was personal. One of the other women killed had any personal connection to Lehighton, until we showed up and suddenly someone she had personal connection to got murdered.” “Ok guys stop it, we have nothing connecting Carson White to the murders-” “You guys think Carson killed her?” The team jumps as the voice of Lehighton comes from the doorway. “Do you think Carson killed them?” “It doesn’t matter what I think Derek, it’s what the evidence says. We have nothing connecting him to the crimes.” “We need to know more about him but we don’t have enough to get a warrant for his house- Lehighton do you have anything about him in your childhood bedroom.” I nod, arms crossed loosely around me, I felt so uncomfortable in that moment. “It’s the same as when we broke up, I never came home again after that.” “JJ, Rossi go back to Chrissy’s crime scene, see if we missed anything. The rest of us are going to Lehighton’s home, we’re gonna learn about Carson White.” “Wait Hotch-” The team stops mid standing, “It’s almost the time school gets out, I need to go get my sister. I don’t want her just walking into a house full of FBI agents.” Aaron nodded, “Morgan, go with her.”

Lila Castello, my 16 year old half sister. The only good tie I have left to my family. Lila was born when I was 13, our oldest sister Aurora was 17 and a senior in high school. Once Aurora was out of the house, everything changed. My mother checked out. Lila’s father, my mother’s boyfriend, was not paternal in the slightest. Growing up, it was always Lila and I against the world. When I left for college, I was freshly 18 and Lila was barely 5. I had promised myself when I got on my own two feet I would get Lila out, but things haven’t exactly gone as planned. Undergrad, followed directly by grad school, followed directly by moving from PA to VA for a position in the FBI, Lila just didn’t fit into any of it. She didn’t take it personally, I know she doesn’t and that’s one of the reasons I love her so much. She understands why I do what I do.

“No fucking way!” The yell that bursts from Lila’s mouth when she spots me leaning against the SUV outside of the main doors of Acosta High is comical in itself, followed closely to how quickly she body slams me with a hug. Derek stood on the other side of the car, laughing, slowly making his way over to us as we rocked back and forth in each other's arms. “Happy to see me I guess.” “Are you kidding, you’re like a breath of fresh air in this shit town.” “I see the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” Morgan comments at Lila’s response to the town of Acosta. “Nope, the only difference is she gets the wonder gene of being a ginger.” Lila lightly pushes me at the comment and I can’t help but laugh. “Lila, this is SSe Derek Morgan, Morgan this is my little sister Lila.” “Do you guys have any leads on the Chrissy Langdon murder?” “Lila, be quiet, get in the car. I’ll explain.” Lila rolls her eyes, walking past us to get into the back seat of the SUV. Yes it was public knowledge that the FBI was here investigating but the last thing people need to know is that Lila is close to the investigation.

“So let me get this straight, the FBI is in our house, pulling apart your room because they think Carson may or may not be the killer?” Lila recaps, making sure she knows exactly what she’s about to walk into. “Basically, but you cannot and I mean it, cannot tell anyone what we are doing.” “Yes ma’am” she salutes from the back seat as we pull into the street parking of my childhood home. Derek could audibly hear a gasp when my eyes landed on the front door. “You okay Dawson?” “Yeah yeah, just go ahead without me. I’ll catch up.” Derek nods, removing himself from the car. Lila’s arms wrap around me from the back of the seat. “You got this.”

“Find any life changing information while we were gone?” It all looked so wrong, my current life, these agents, in my childhood bedroom. A life I left behind. If this would’ve happened as a teen, I would’ve screamed at the thought of people touching my personal belongings but it almost doesn’t feel real anymore. I’ve been so removed from that part of myself that it feels like a different person. “Besides from the fact that you were so incredibly close to being goth, not really no.” JJ joked, which was followed by me flipping her off jokingly. “Not as goth as Emily.” “Precisely why I said ‘so incredibly close’” “Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to my sister Lila. Lila these are SSA Emily Prentiss, Spencer Reid and our unit chief Aaron Hotchner.” Lila’s eyes land and stay on Spencer. “He’s cute.” The team laughs at her pointing Reid out as Reid blushes. “These pictures and such are giving some kind of indication of Carson but not much we can work with- What?” Aaron stops at my eyes growing wide when he sits himself on my bed. “Get off the bed.” “What?” “Get off the fucking bed Aaron and stop looking at pictures of him! All of you stop it!” I don’t know what came over me that second Aaron touched the bed, but I suddenly wanted them all out of my house and out of my past life. I stormed from the room without another word, I couldn’t stand looking at it any longer. “She has a weird thing about that bed.” Lila tries to explain as she exits.

I can see Aaron’s shoes as he comes and leans on the table across from me as I lean on the kitchen counter. My head is in my hands as I try to calm myself from the blow up I just experienced. “I’m sorry I don’t know what came over me.” “It’s ok, your emotions are on high right now.” I shrug. “This probably isn’t fun for you either, looking through my past.” Aaron shook his head. “I know we have to but-” He pauses, wanting to choose his next words very carefully. “Sometime ago we made a deal-” “That we wouldn’t talk about our past unless the other openly wanted to talk to the other about it.” I finish his sentence and he smiles. That right there is what I miss. Aaron Hotchenr being a human. “Yeah, that.” “Trust me, I don’t like it that much either but if it helps… it’ll be worth it.” Lies. As Aaron goes to speak again, a sudden screaming from out the front door comes. Lila and a male voice, I recognize almost immediately. “No fucking way.” I mumble angrily under my breath, taking off in the direction of Lila’s voice, Aaron following closely on my tail. “Come on Lila, I just need a little more. I promise I’ll pay you back. I have a job coming up and it’ll be a lot of money.” Just as I thought, Lila’s father, begging his 16 year old for money. Pathetic. “Dad, I can't. I have insurance coming out this week-” “Lila please!” His hand made contact with her arm as she turned away and I lost it. “George get the fuck off my sister!” “Lehighton? What the fuck are you doing back here?” “Doing my god damn job, now let go of your damn kid.” I snip, pulling Lila from his grasp and placing her behind me. “Just cause you moved away, don't think you’re any better than me.” “Ha don’t make me laugh.” “You’re a fucking cunt just like your mother!” Once again, I don’t know what comes over me at that moment, but I’m flying at him, only being caught by Aaron’s arms around me. “Lehighton, it’s not worth it!” “Dad please just take it and leave.” Lila yells, throwing money at him from her pockets. “Stay the fuck away from my sister!” I yell as he hauls back into his pickup and drives off. Aaron held me back, whispering for me to calm down. Then I hear Lila crying, that calms me down real quick. “It’s ok, Lila. He’s just a deadbeat. You owe him nothing.” I try to hug her, but get forcefully pushed off in anger. “What the fuck Lila?” “Don’t what the fuck me? What the fuck you! So he’s the reason?” Lila points to Aaron and all the color drains from me. “What?” “He’s the reason you were never ready for me to come to Virginia right? You were too busy fucking around with your boss to have your little sister, right?” My jaw drops at her statement. “Lila, Aaron has nothing to do with that.” I whisper, not needing the other members to hear what Lila has found out in minutes of knowing Aaron. “Bullshit Lehighton! Is he the reason you left the FBI the first time? What, did you guys break up or something and you left? We were this close to getting me out and then you just up and left everything! Is he why?” “Lila, there is so much you don’t know about me leaving the FBI okay? But you cannot blame Aaron for any of it.” “Can you guys please just get out? Mom is going to be home soon. You two don’t need to see anything from each other.”

Sometimes, when memories of teendom and Carson come back, I wish I could get knocked in the head so hard I remember nothing. Nothing seems better than those memories sometimes. “Aaron?” I’m surprised when I open the hotel room door to find him standing there. “I-I wanted to check in and see how you’re holding up. I know things got a little heated today.” “Did Garcia find anything on Carson?” His face dropped at the mention of him. Towards the end of the day they found something that might link Carson to the murders. I don’t know what, I don’t want to know. But he didn’t come here to talk about Carson or the case, he came to talk about everything else. “Can I come in?” Without a word, I moved aside and let him into the hotel room, dangerous territory really. “Besides the fact that he’s done nothing besides have some minor marijuana charges, nothing.” “Do you think he might actually be a suspect?” “Honestly Lehighton, I don’t know.” A sign leaves my lungs at his confession of the unknown “Are you okay?” “I’m fine, Aaron.” “I just, I wanted to see if you needed to talk to someone.” I roll my eyes, shaking my head. “Trust me, I don’t. If I start talking, I’ll start crying and I’ve done too much of that since being here.” “There’s no shame in that, With everything that has happened in the past-” There it was, the before. Before I left the team, everything that Aaron and I have been through… the real reason he came to this hotel room. “Aaron, it’s been over a year now, that’s all behind me.” Lies. He looked a little distraught at that moment. Aaron reached out grabbing both my hands in one of his. “You’re not okay, last time you tried to pretend you were ok you ended up leaving.” I shyly slip my hands out of his. “And I’d do it all over again.” I unexpectedly grit my teeth at him, the burst of aggression scaring us both. I take a breath before continuing. “Damn it Lehighton, talk to me like a normal person for one minute!” “I can’t just do that Aaron! You’re not a normal person! You’re my ex and my boss and someone who I have too much history with to just act like we’re fine!” Tears begin to form in my eyes. “We can’t even begin to act normal if you don’t want to talk about it, Lehighton!” “Fine-” I throw my hands out to the side dramatically. “Let’s talk about it Aaron. We had a relationship and I left with no explanation because I felt like I didn’t need to give you one!” Aaron signs at me. “I told you when you left there was no explanation needed, there was nothing to forgive-” “Yes there was Aaron! I killed something for both of us! I can’t just let that go like it’s not my fault!” “It wasn’t Lehighton, neither of us could’ve known.” Tears fell from his eyes and it only made me feel worse. My tears began running as well. Aaron reached out, cupping my face and wiping my tears away. I fell into his hand, missing his touch. “Believe it or not, I wished you the best when you left the BAU, even though it was the hardest thing I ever had to do… and when you came back to help on that case, I’ll admit, I was jealous. Jealous that you were happy, you were happy without me. You walked back into that room with the biggest smile on your face, and I missed you so much. You seemed so much happier than when I moved you out of your apartment that I couldn’t help but feel like an asshole for feeling like that cause you were miserable when you left.” I scoff at him, tears running down my face as I back away from his hand. “Aaron, I was anything but happy… not to be overly dramatic but those first 24 hours without you and Jack felt like I couldn’t breathe properly.”

“Lehighton, your mom is on line one, warning she’s pissed.” The mayor popped his head into the room as we were sitting around the table getting ready for another day of work, today I chose to join. “What the hell?” I ask myself as I click the accept button on the phone, letting the speaker phone stay on. “Lehighton Dawson! Just because you’re home doesn’t mean you can just let Lila skip school!” Everyone looks at each other confused as Lila was nowhere near me since the blow up at the house. “Whoa whoa, slow down. Lila isn’t with me. I haven’t seen her since yesterday.” “Well then explain to me why I just got a call from the school saying she never showed up today.” The air, all of it, was suddenly knocked out of my lungs. “Maybe she just skipped, she’s probably still upset about the fight.” JJ quickly jumps in, trying to calm both me and my mother’s nerves/ “No, no, Lila would never. She has perfect attendance.” My mother speaks in a panic from the other end of the call, I nod agreeing with her. “She’s right. Lila isn’t like that. Something is wrong.” With that comment, Emily is already out of the room making calls, labeling Lila as a missing person. “Oh my god, Lila’s missing, with a killer on the loose. Oh my god, Lila!” “Mom, mom, calm down, we’ll find her! You have the best team looking for her.” “Dawson!” The mayor bursts back into the room. “There is someone on line 2, they say they want to talk to you.” “Mom, I gotta go.” Without another word, I hang up and quickly switch to line 2 without waiting for a go from the team. “This is SSA Leighton Dawson.” “Lehighton, it’s so good to hear your voice again. After seeing you the other day. I knew I needed to see you again.” Once again the air from the lungs is stolen as the voice of Carson White sounds throughout the room. It doesn’t take more than a second for the team to understand the situation. “Carson, where is my sister?” “Don’t worry, she’s safe. I promise.” “Lehighton!” From the background I can slightly hear her voice. “Carson I swear if you hurt her I will make your life living hell!” Just saying his name hurt my chest. “Lehighton, why would I do that? You love your sister, I could never hurt her.” “Just like you didn’t hurt Chrissy Langdon?” Carson chuckles at her name. “You wished her dead, Lehighton, I was just granting your wish. You hated her, she made you miserable, I was just helping.” Aaron can see the goosebumps rise on my arms and he motions for me to not speak, but I don’t listen. “That was in high school Carson! I haven’t thought about her in years.” “Well, now you’ll never have to worry about her ever again.” “Carson. Where is my sister?” “She’s here, with me, at the old train tracks in the back car. You can come get her if you want.” “What’s the catch?” “Nothing, just the pleasure of your company.” “You must be crazy if you think I’m coming into that train car alone.” He laughs again. “I’m not crazy and I want to meet your team, I want you to bring Aaron Hotchner., tonight at sundown. Don’t be late.” Before being able to speak again the line goes dead, and I scream my lungs out.

–

“I’ll go in first, we'll get Lila and get out as soon as possible.” Aaron explains the plan once again as I sit in the passenger seat beside him on the way to the train tracks. Spencer and Emily in the back. “Understood.” “Reid, station at the back door in case we need back up.” “We won’t.” I say matter-a-factly. “Reid, back door.” “Got it.” ‘We won’t! Carson isn’t getting out that easy. He’s going to rot in jail, understand?” Aaron stays silent, keeping his eyes on the road in front of him.

“Carson, drop the gun.” The sight before me was terrifying, my hand was shaking, my eyes were watery. Lila was kneeling with her hands tied behind her back as Carson stood, his arm wrapped around her neck in a light choke hold. A gun, in his opposite hand against her head. Only now do I understand at least a little bit of the guilt Aaron feels towards his ex-wife. “Lehighton, nice to see you again.” “Shut up and drop the gun.” “And if I don’t?” “You get shot.” Aaron announces unwaverly. “I’m here now, let her go.” I drop my gun down to the floor, showing no threat to him. “No!” He suddenly shouts, making Lila jump in his hold. “She doesn’t deserve to live! You love her, you should love me!” Carson suddenly raised his gun in my direction, being faced with death. Not the first time on the job. At the motion Aaron moves to block me, completely hiding my body from Carson’s view. Dumbass. “Don’t block her from me! I know too much! She loves me, not you! I’ll shoot you!” Carson was unraveling and finally processed Aaron in his presence. The threat seemingly over makes his confession of knowing, as I stop in front of Aaron, although if he really wanted to shoot Aaron, my body wasn’t going to stop him.

I could only imagine the confusion that was covering the team’s faces, minus Rossi’s. I am almost 100% sure that Aaron had confided in him about our relationship. They’re hearing everything through the wire I was currently wearing. “Think about what you’re saying very very carefully, please.” I beg at this point. “What you know is just going to hurt her. You don’t want to do that, do you?” Aaron suddenly speaks again, trying everything to get him to stop talking. “You hurt her the second you got her pregnant.”

The bomb was dropped.

“Lehighton, what do you see in him! He’s old enough to be your father and he’s your boss! What the hell is wrong with you? When did you become such a slut!” Anger, anger filled me. Yes, I hated him before this moment, however the feeling I felt in that moment didn’t hit me until now. “Go fuck yourself Carson!” Redness rose in Carson’s face as the gun was once again raised, to point at Aaron. That's when from the corner of my eye I spotted him… Spencer at the back door of the train car, rushing forward, gun pointed at Carson. I process what’s happening, “No!” I rush forward as the sound of a gun goes off, I drop to the floor, just as I reach Lila, wrapping my arms around her before black takes over my vision.

I open my eyes to a black sky full of shining stars. For a moment, I think it’s heaven or some kind of afterlife, but then I see the red and blue lights flashing and the sounds of people talking and sirens. I quickly notice myself on a gurney, an air mask around my face. I sit up, slipping the mask off and suddenly an EMT is at my side. “You need to keep that on-” “Where’s Lila?” “She;s okay, she was taken to the hospital just as a precaution.” I nod, pulling my knees to my chest, and I feel the familiar feeling of a panic attack begin to set in as the events of the night replay in my head. I stand as I continue to hyperventilate. Looking around, stumbling aimlessly through the crowd of police and EMTs my eyes land on my team. Derek is the first one to notice me, he breaks the conversation with Aaron to turn his attention to me. None of them have ever seen me like this, see me break. The thought of that is oddly enough what’s causing the majority of my panic. I seemingly lose track of time as in the next second I’m clinging to Aaron, breaking down in his arms. It’s unclear how long I was there before opening my eyes and spotting the EMT’s wheeling something out on a gurney… a black body bag. Lile and the rest of my team is accounted for, it could only be him. I don’t know what comes over me as a scream bursts from my throat, I try to run towards the EMTs only being stopped by Aaron’s arms around my waist pulling and keeping me back. Collapsing onto the ground Aaron still holding on tight and not letting me go.

#aaronhotchnerimagines #aaronhotchner #aaron hotchner imagines #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner fanfiction #aaron hotchner fic #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #aaron hotchner

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edsanon · 14 hours

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I don’t feel like drawing, so have some platonic Lumi and Alastor headcanons :

They met via Rosie. They had seen each other before, Lumi accidentally helping Alastor taking down on an Overlord, but they officially met via Rosie.

Lumi is terrible at social cues, but they are good at picking up patterns, which is how they can read people, Alastor was no match for that.

Alastor is thankful for that, since Lumi can pick up on people, and Alastor can use that to his advantage to strike deals.

Lumi died in 1917 at 18, while Alastor died in 1933 at 35(ish). They often joke that they could’ve met each other had they lived in the same country, and how they could’ve been around the same age had they died at the same time.

Lumi and Alastor don’t exactly show vulnerability, if at all, so for one of them to show vulnerability, the other will have to show that first. It’s truly a mess.

During the time where Alastor disappeared, Lumi genuinely thought that he had died. They grieved and continued on with their life- until they saw the commercial for the hotel and they recognized him.

Lumi has their little family down in hell : twin sister, younger brother, youngest sister and mother. They do not get along with their mother. Their younger sister and father are in heaven.

Alastor doesn’t really like the twin sister, can barely handle the younger brother. But the youngest sister ? Who is a cannibal ? He adores her ! He doesn’t like children, but Yu is an exception, he secretly spoils her to no end.

Speaking about baby Yu, she resides in cannibal town with Rosie, Lumi visits often.

Alastor believes in discipline that involves hitting children (it’s canon), but he knows better than to hit any of Lumi’s siblings.

Being friends with Lumi made of Alastor a cat person. He hates dogs already, so a friend who is a cat and purrs and smells like happiness and all the best things ever ? Count him in.

Husk dislikes Lumi for this very reason.

Speaking of Husk and Niffty, Lumi likes them, they don’t understand how Husk hates being a cat, they’re apex predators after all, and they like Niffty, and Niffty adores them so much.

Lumi showed her a katana they use when they train with their students, ever since then they became one of Niffty’s favorite person.

Alastor has witnessed how they train their students, they were a samurai after all and he was curious. Let’s just say that watching them gave him new torture ideas with how rough and hard that training looked (He quite felt bad for that one student who had to start over 500 swings because their body wasn’t correctly placed in Lumi’s standards.)

Lumi reads Alastor better than a lot of people, so they know that he loves and craves attention 24/7 among other things. So when the attention is striped away from him (like in episode 5 where Mimzy turned her attention to Lucifer) Lumi is here to give him some attention (“So you used to dance ? Maybe I should accompany you to one of your outings then, I’d like to see that for myself.”)

Which Alastor appreciates immensely.

Lumi has a set of rules they follow to stay on Alastor’s good side.

Alastor was very sour when he learned that Lumi had a partner when they were human. They are the one to always give them the attention he wants and needs, to always praise him in some way, who can understand him like nobody else, he doesn’t want their attention away from him.

In reality when the partner comes along eventually, Alastor has now 2 people hyping him up and giving him attention when he needs it.

And this is Lumi’s partner we’re talking about, when Alastor latches out and tries to make the partner jealous (“I’ve stayed with them for the last 80 years”) instead of being met with anger and jealousy, he is met with patience, gratefulness and understanding. (“I see. Thank you for taking care of them, I am glad they found a friend who cares for them the way you do.”)

Alastor taught Lumi how to cook, and cooks for them sometimes.

And Lumi taught Alastor French. He had a good start, but it could’ve been better.

Lumi speaks 9 languages, and they are native Japanese.

Alastor had to teach himself how to hold chopsticks, and Lumi had to teach themselves how to use a fork.

Whenever Alastor notices that Lumi isn’t doing great (aka they start to melt because when their emotions are too much they become magma and they start to melt), he takes them on a walk in the Bayou side of his room.

Alastor and Lumi fought Adam together, they got severely hurt together and left to lick their wounds together.

Lumi has tagged along on a few radio broadcasts of Alastor, it’s just them sitting next to him, listening and purring quietly.

Alastor loves the sound of their purrs, he wants Husk to make the same sound.

Lumi started to use pet names such as “honey” or “baby” after hanging around Alastor and Rosie as much as they do.

Alastor often calls them “Lumi dear”, and occasionally “Darling” (he found out that the nickname snaps them out when they are panicking or experiencing a flashback of some sort)

Lumi nicknames Alastor “A-kun”

#hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #alastor #alastor headcanons #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor x oc #alastor x reader #hazbin hotel oc #hazbin hotel original character #hazbin oc #oc: lumi

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shiin-ye · 3 days

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𓇼┊『To Marmoris』˚༘.PART 1

𓇼 summary : Family strictness was something you experienced all your life. Studies and classes schedules all arranged by them for the sake of your future,only caring about your grades. However, an unexpected acquaintance with the most unexpected person occurs and you decide to burry your pride for the sake of the flame a random boy ignited deep in your heart. He,who seems to lead a perfect life,harbors secrets of his own,puts on a perfect carefree facade,something you're familiar with. Your relationship proceeds with lies from both sides,truths leaking out once in a while. What happens when both of you start being genuine and offer your pure emotions to the other?

𓇼 Word count : 4k

𓇼 Tags : stressed reader,fluff,bittersweet ending,modern au,teen Satoru Gojo x teen f!reader

𓇼 a/n : alright alright this is finally over(not) Because I decided to make this part 1 since it's becoming ao long and I can't :) when I started writing this I knew it'll kill me(not just because it's the longest I've ever wrote) but I still did it and I don't think I regret it...anyways hope you enjoy :> likes,comments and reblogs are really appreciated.

June 21th :

You keep staring at the phone screen,unable to take your eyes off it. You feel like your messages,all sent and ignored,are mocking you. Like they're saying “See? Told you. You're an idiot.”

Hugging your knees,you hide your face in them and clench your phone in your other hand. “Dammit…” You mutter,cursing nobody. You don't even know who or what to blame. Your phone screen turns off after a few seconds,leaving just darkness in the room. You close your eyelids and allow the memories to flood in.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

March 20th :

"Why do I have to come again?" You mutter,eyebrows raised and irritation clear in your voice.

"Y/n,please...I told you so many times...you're doing this for your little sister!!" Your mom says without even looking at you,obviously annoyed by your infinite growls.

"Exactly! And my little sister certainly doesn't need me to be there! Mom,it's a party with little kids jumping and singing and yelling! You know I hate gathering full of spoiled brats!" You huff,crossing your arms in front of your chest and lean against the seat of the car.

Both of your parents ignore you,chatting with your sister for the rest of the ride,and you watch their excited interactions. They treat you like you're a machine,like you're not a human,only caring about your studies and grades.

But what's new?

You sigh,thinking about how you're going to ease your headache after this.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

You look at the building. "Great...!" You chide before walking your way through the front yard.

"Raise your head and look up,y/n! Be polite,for crying out loud!" Your mom whispers quietly.

You sigh,but raise your head and take in your surroundings. The front yard of the building is vast,taking a few good minutes to get to the front door. The door is already open because of the party,chattering heard from inside.

A tall boy,his black hair in a bun approaches you. "Hello,welcome!" He greets your family with a smile. "May I take this little lady for preparations?" He looks at your sister.

"Why,hello,Suguru." Your mom smiles. "Of course. Honey,go with Suguru,okay?" Your sister nods and takes Suguru's hand shyly,her tension easing thanks to Suguru's kind smile.

"Who was that?" You ask your mom,one of your brows raised in curiosity.

"That's Suguru Geto,the family friend of the Gojos and their son's best friend,apparently." Your mom mumbles as she watches your sister go to the back door with Suguru.

"He seems nice with kids. Wait...who are the Gojos again?"

Your mom looks at you with a scowl. "Your sister's teacher's family. You saw mrs.Gojo once,when you came back from one of your classes."

"Ooohhhh,her!" You fake your surprise. "This big place is for the Gojos,right? Good thing they have a son to inherit all of this." You wave your hand to the front yard. "They must be filthy rich. I bet girls break their necks to get a glance from their son."

"Quiet down,y/n!!" Your mom scolds.

"Yeesh! Fine,I'm sorry." You mutter,before walking inside behind them.

That's when you see it,and you freeze at the doorframe.

He's tall,round sunglasses fixed on his snowy white hair,he's setting up the balloons,frowning at the ribbon attached to them. His long white eyelashes fluttered with each blink,hovering over his mesmerizing crystal blue eyes. He's wearing a white buttoned shirt,the sleeves rolled up,with black jeans.

You feel your heart skip a beat at the sight.

God,how you don't ever want to look down again.

The boy notices your parents enter and greets them with a nod before dropping the ribbon in frustration and turning around. "Suguru! Do we have more ribbon?"

Suguru Geto,the Gojo family's son's best friend. So that boy must be the Gojo family's son?

You're pulled out of your thoughts with a tap on your shoulder from your mom. "This is my older daughter,mrs.Gojo."

You recognize the woman as you've seen her before. Once.

Mrs.Gojo reaches out her hand to shake yours,her smile not budging. "I saw you once before,but never had the honor to officially meet you. You're even more beautiful up close! Please,feel free to call me Sayuki!" You smile and return her handshake. Your mom points at a place and tells you that she'll sit there,leaving you alone with mrs.Sayuki.

You chat with her for a bit,before Suguru approaches. "Mrs.Sayuki,have you checked the piano yet?"

"No,not yet. Tell Satoru to do it,I want you to keep an eye on the kids."

Suguru nods before looking at you with his brown eyes,his gaze lingering onto yours,and he walks away as he shoves his hands in his pockets.

"I'll go take a seat,then!" You say with a smile,before walking up to where your mom is seated. "Weird people." You sit down next to her.

"Who,exactly?" Your mom scowls at you.

"All of them,specially the boy with white hair. Did he dye it?"

"Oh,you mean mrs.Gojo's son,Satoru? I don't think so,I think it's natural."

Satoru. His name is Satoru.

You glance at him from where you're seated,feeling warm just by looking at his physical features. You hum thoughtfully as your mom keeps giving you information.

"They're both around your age,even if they don't look like it. Oh,they also teach piano,both of them! Though,Suguru teaches guitar as well."

"Talking about what I can't do? Way to go,mom." You chide,and your mom just sighs.

You watch Satoru grab a kid's violin and play a random piece with it. He giggles when Suguru scolds him and gives the kid back his violin.

You can't help but smile at the sight. "Glad I came." You mumble quietly.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

The kids play childish pieces with little flutes,your sister one of them. You watch them carefully,but only because Satoru is playing the pieces with a harmonica alongside them.

Your gaze is fixated on him,not budging,following his every movement.

Your mom gives you a flower basket and tells you to wait until it's time to give the kids their flowers. You go to the entrance hall of the house,waiting for the right time. The flowers are light blue,like his eyes.

Wait...what are you thinking?

You try shake off any thoughts of Satoru Gojo which leads to him corrupting your mind more.

Mrs.Sayuki walks past you at some point,giving you a scowl which you don't notice. After the kids are done performing,you step close and give your sister the flower basket. She jumps and hugs you with excitement.

As you turn to go back to your seat,someone calls out.

"Y/n,one moment,please! Come here,let us take a picture of you and your sister!" You freeze when you hear mrs.Sayuki,but turn and walk back to them.

You hate this. You hate getting all this attention. You hate all these eyes fixated on you. You ha-

Satoru catches you when you stumble. "Close one. What's the rush for? Be careful." He smiles softly,watching you murmur apologies and straighten yourself. You bet he even noticed your blush. How embarrassing.

He's close. So close. You force a smile at the camera,but Satoru Gojo has corrupted your mind in whole.

You don't notice you've been holding your breath until you get back to your seat,exhaling hard.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

On the ride back home,your eyes are staring out the window of the car,but your mind keeps wandering to him.

"Y/n? What are you thinking?" You dad asks,looking at you from the car's top mirror.

"I want to start an instrument again." You mumble.

Your mom chuckles mockingly. "Sure you do..."

But you're serious. You need to see him again. Somehow. Anyhow.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

March 21th :

"I'm coming and I mean it!" Your voice increases by each passing word. "I'm serious! I want to start an instrument again!"

It's been a few days since the party and your sister has to go to the Gojos' place to get introduced to different instruments so she can pick one.

Of course,you don't plan on staying at home when you have the chance to see him again.

Your mom opens her mouth to respond,but only a heavy sigh comes out. "Fine..."

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

"Nice house,I guess." You mumble,raising your head to look at the building before ringing the doorbell.

Your breath catches in your throat as mrs.Sayuki opens the door,and you see a white-haired boy in the background. You tilt your head to get a better view.

His hair is slightly messier from what you remember and he's wearing a t-shirt and a pair of comfortable pants. He snatches his phone from the table before disappearing into one of the rooms down the hallway.

Mrs.Sayuki offers a smile and holds the door open. "Hello,hello! Welcome! Y/n,what a nice surprise,wasn't expecting to see you again this soon!"

You chuckle awkwardly. "Sorry for coming without prior notice..."

Mrs.Sayuki shakes her head. "Don't worry,all good. I assume you came regarding instruments,yes? I remember your mother mentioned you used to play the violin when you were a child."

You nod. "Yes,when I was around the age of ten. But I barely remember anything."

Mrs.Sayuki hums thoughtfully and takes a beautiful and most certainly expensive white violin out of its case. "Do you remember how you held it though?"

You shake your head and she offers the violin to your sister. "How about you? Want to give it a shot?" And when your sister shakes her head,mrs.Sayuki calls out. "Satoru! Come here for a moment!"

It's not long before the white-haired boy enters the living room. "Yeah?" One of his hands is gripping the nape of his neck,his mesmerizing crystal blue eyes locked on the violin with a spark in them.

"Could you demonstrate?"

He takes the violin and plays a random part of a random piece with it. After he's done,your sister shakes her head. "I don't like that one!"

Satoru lets out a quiet chuckle,then puts the violin back in its case. He glances at you,causing your lungs to forget how to function,his snowy lashes fluttering with each blink. A smirk finds its way through his face and he sits on the sofa.

Mrs.Sayuki shows videos of different instruments to your sister on her laptop,and she just shakes her head at each one. You struggle to not look at Satoru for too long when he speaks to you or chuckles at either your words or your sister's reaction whenever random conversations come up regarding instruments.

Mrs.Sayuki looks at you. "What about you,y/n? You'll go with the violin again?"

Pause.

"If I had a choice..." You glance at your mom from the side of your eye. "...no."

"What!?" Your mom says,her eyes widen in shock.

"My family said that I should learn violin,but I always had a thing for..." Your gaze shifts to the acoustic piano. "...the piano."

"You know,Satoru wanted to learn violin,but I made him learn piano first. Once he got down piano,he had an easier time learning violin. And then we got him a harmonica and he learned it without the help of any teacher."

Your sister's head perks up at the mention of harmonica. "I wanna learn to play the harmonica,like Satoru did at the party!"

Satoru glances at you for a moment,his nonchalant gaze lingering on your face,before he smiles softly at your sister. "Hey,how about this? Learn how to play the piano alongside your sister,and I promise I'll teach you how to play the harmonica myself if you do so." Your sister's expression brightens and she smiles widely.

He didn't do it for you just now,did he?

"Bright idea! What do you say,y/n? I mean..." Mrs.Sayuki looks at your mom. "...if your parents are okay with it."

You inspect your mom for any signs of approval. "Fine..." She sighs. "But if you're gonna do it,be serious about it. Don't quit halfway like you did for-"

"I won't!!" You suddenly shout out which makes Satoru giggle at the unexpectedness of your reaction. You look down as a pathetic attempt to hide your embarrassment.

"Settled,then! We will talk about the classes and schedules later,if that's alright." Mrs.Sayuki looks at you with a soft smile. "Anything else?"

"One thing..." you muster up all the courage you can before looking at Satoru. "Can I have your son's number?"

Satoru's eyes widen in shock for a moment but then his face splits into a grin. "I think you should be asking me that question. Write it down?"

You blink twice. Did he really accept?

"O-okay..." You take out your phone and enter his number. "Can I call it…just to make sure?"

"You don't trust me?" He chuckles. "Go ahead."

You dial his number and the sound of a phone ringing comes from one of the rooms down the hallway. He raises an eyebrow and smirks at you. "See?"

"Satoru,an unknown number called you ju-" Suguru enters the living room,coming to a halt as he looks up from his phone and sees your mom and sister. "Oh,hello." He then looks at you and smiles. "I saw you,at the party."

You nod. "I saw you too,mr.nice-with-kids."

Suguru chuckles. "Right. By the way,did you notice mrs.Sayuki frowning at you back then when you were waiting on your sister?"

You shake your head,and mrs.Sayuki lets out a quiet "Thank god..." with a sigh of relief.

Satoru smirks. "She mistook you for someone who bothered and annoyed us a lot so she gave you a scary look,self-proclaimed,which you didn't notice. She took that picture of you because she felt guilty." He winks at you. "The one you almost fell on the way of taking it." You look down to hide your blush.

"Satoru,Suguru,y/n might be in your care regarding piano lessons soon,so...please try not to freak her out." Mrs.Sayuki glares at both of them.

Suguru crosses his arms in front of his chest and leans against the wall with a chuckle. "Yes,ma'am."

After a bit of chit-chat,your mom receives a notification from your dad,a sign that he's tired of waiting. Who wouldn't be,though? You've been here for an hour now.

Satoru distracts you easily. You take a mental note.

Mrs.Sayuki and Satoru walk you to the front door but before you leave,Satoru leans down and whispers in your ear. "Message me,and we can go out sometime." He leans against the doorframe and winks at you,a smirk attached to his face. "Of course,as friends. By the way,is not wearing make-up your style? Because if it is,I totally love it."

"Right." You chuckle,a light blush on your cheeks. "Later then?"

He smiles. "Later then." And then he closes the door shut.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

March 22th :

Hello. 12:01 p.m

Satoru : Hello? You are? 12:25 p.m

Um…the one from last night? 12:27 p.m

Satoru : Oooh!! Right,my bad. 12:43 p.m

Yeah,um…am I bothering you by any chance? 12:45 p.m

Satoru : What? No. 12:51 p.m

Satoru : By the way,your name is y/n right? 12:52 p.m

Yes. 12:52 p.m

If I am bothering you,then please let me know. 12:53 p.m

Satoru : That aside,I've been craving pineapples since morning. 12:57 p.m

You stare at the wall,trying to fight the urge and don't go running to buy him one and then run to his place to give it to hi- Wait…what are you thinking?

You sigh out loud at your inner chaos. How did it come to this?

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

March 28th :

You've been having random conversations with Satoru which led to you finding out a few things about him. Firstly,everything about him is natural including his hair and eyes. He's a natural beauty. Secondly,his ego is stupidly big.

You also learned He's 190 centimeters tall,his favorite color is sky-blue,he plays basketball and he's with Suguru 97% of the time.

You also learned he's been on a trip since the next morning you got his number,and you thanked god for not running off to his place,empty,with a pineapple.

Favorite animal? 5:26 p.m

Satoru : Whales. And Dolphins. Wanted to see the dolphins since forever but never got the chance. Too busy :( - 5:29 p.m

“Y/n! Come here!” Your mom shouts.

You sigh,turning off the phone and entering the living room. “Yes?” You see that your mom's clenching her phone in her hand ahd has an intense frown on her face.

Oh,a call from school.

“What does this mean,y/n!? Your school called to announce this month's exam results just now. Why didn't you get the top score!?” Your mom chides,gritting her teeth,causing the irritation to be visible.

You sigh,trying to clear things up. “I marked top 3,mom. The exams were-”

“Keep your excuses for yourself! When someone could mark 100%,it was possible! So why couldn't you!?”

“Mom,I told you before…those ones have private teachers,the-”

“You're making excuses again,y/n! Last time you mess up,understood?”

You look down and try to fight the tears stinging your eyes,threatening to drop. “Yes,mom. I understand…” Your voice is weak and barely audible. Your mom sighs and turns around,and you know you can leave when she does so.

You close the door shut quietly and collapse on your bed.

You look at your palms and see the marks your nails left when you were digging them into your palms to maintain your composure. You press your hands to your eyes and exhale long and heavily before grabbing your phone to continue your conversation with Satoru.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

Can I call you? - 9:37 p.m

Satoru : Now? - 9:42 p.m

No,later tomorrow. - 9:43 p.m

Satoru : Sure,but let me know beforehand. - 9:45 p.m

Will do,thanks. - 9:45 p.m.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

March 29th :

You take a long deep breath and dial his number. It takes a few moments,but finally a deep male voice answers. “Hello?”

You come to a halt,unable to respond and hang up for god knows why. You look at your shaking hands. Why are you so nervous?

You call him again,mostly to apologize for hanging up so suddenly. He doesn't pick up though. You call him again,he doesn't pick up again.

Again,again. Again,again. Again,again.

“Aghh!!” You groan and throw the phone on the bed. “Why am I such an idiot!?”

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

“I'm done with everything mom. Can I make a call now?”

“To who?” Your mom raises an eyebrow in curiosity as she looks up from her phone.

You sigh,deciding to take the side of honesty. “Well,I called a friend today and hung up suddenly. I wanna apologize for that..."

"Make it quick." She sighs,looking back at her phone.

You smile and rush to your room,close the door and dial his number.

"Hello?" He answers after a few seconds.

"Hey! Um,listen!" You clench your free hand,trying to stop it from shaking. Once again,why are you so nervous? "I...I wanted to apologize for hanging up suddenly earlier today..." You stutter,hands sweaty due to your nervousness.

"What...?"

Pause.

"Oh! That! I didn't pick up the phone back then,it was Suguru. I was taking a nap and my phone was somewhere else." He chuckles. "Although I must say,he cursed 'whoever the heck's calling' more than a few times."

"I'm...sorry..." You mumble,closing your eyes shut at the wave of embarrassment.

You can hear him laugh from the other side of the call. "It's okay. I mean,you were so desperate to hear my voice,hm?"

You chuckle nervously. "Yeah,well...um..."

"Anyway. Gotta go for now. Talk to you later?"

"Mhm,okay." You try to hide the disappointment in your voice. Although it's probably better this way,since you have to hang up soon -unless you want another argument for the night.-

"Later then?" He says,laughter and chattering being heard from his side of call.

"Later..." You mumble and he hangs up.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟࿐ ࿔*:･ﾟ

April 2nd :

Satoru hasn't responded to your messages the whole day. Normally,he takes the maximum of a few hours to respond,so this is unusual.

Satoru? You ok? - 8:19 p.m

You keep staring at the phone screen,blinking twice when you see he's typing.

Satoru : Yeah,all good. Why? - 8.20 p.m

You swear you can feel the negative energy radiating from his messages,that you don't mind being called crazy for.

You're totally not okay. - 8:22 p.m

Satoru : Y/n,I'm fine. 8.23 p.m

And that's when it hits you. What if...?

You can talk to me,Satoru. - 8:24 p.m

Satoru : I can,but there's nothing to talk about. - 8:25 p.m

How about we talk about what you're really feeling? Because you're totally not okay. - 8:26 p.m

Satoru : Okay but what does it have to do with you? - 8:26

Well,I care? - 8:27 p.m

Satoru : Sure you do. - 8:27 p.m

I'm serious Satoru! - 8:28 p.m

Satoru : And so am I. - 8:28 p.m

You hide how you really feel,don't you? Under that perfect facade. You don't want anyone worrying over you. You're afraid of being a burden to others. - 8:30 p.m

Satoru : That,you're wrong. I couldn't care less about others. Only a few matter to me. - 8:31 p.m

Satoru : Anyway,decided on the days for piano classes? - 8:31 p.m

Yeah Tuesdays with Suguru. - 8:32 p.m

BUT DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!! - 8:32 p.

Satoru : Hey,I'm all good. Don't worry your pretty little head over me. - 8:33 p.m

But I can hear you out. - 8:33 p.m

Satoru : Yeah but I don't wanna vent. Thanks,tho :) - 8:34 p.m

Satoru... - 8:35 p.m

Satoru : Y/n,I'm all good. But I gotta go now. You should also call it a night. - 8:36 p.m

Okay...night... - 8:37 p.m

Satoru : Good night y/n. And thank you. - 8:38 p.m

Satoru stares at the ceiling,finally deciding on a name to save you as in his contacts.

𓇼M.list - Next➫

✐ᝰ.divider by @/cafekitsune

#𓇼『To Marmoris』˚༘#〔𖤐Shin's work༉〕#satoru gojo #gojo satoru #satoru gojo x reader #gojo satoru x reader #satoru x reader #satoru gojo x you #satoru gojo x y/n #gojo satoru x you #gojo satoru x y/n #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jujutsu kaisen gojo #jujutsu gojo #jjk gojo #modern au #teen gojo #SoundCloud

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