TRY AGAIN LATER
it's like. well. its several things.
(Plutarch's Crassus, trans. Warner)
and also this
(ibid.)
that compliment sounds like an insult, baby.
anyway, there's a fun kind of eroticism in being given everything, in taking things that aren't yours without any real consequence, in climbing towards becoming a Roman Alexander, only for one man to deny you, over and over and over again, at every turn. Sulla tried, Crassus did it better. who would put a butcher in their place? who else knows you well enough to do it? who else can match you step for step like this? doesn't it feel like a kind of intimacy, a kind of—
it's also about the 'even sulla kissed my sword/so you want me on my knees too?' innuendo was too good to pass up. that was actually the first line I wrote, I figured out the rest of this to justify making a comic with it
and finally! the sword line is referencing/playing off of Lucan's Pharsalia a little bit because it fucks hard
(Lucan's Pharsalia, trans. Jane Wilson Joyce)
EDIT: oh, and that's a public domain anatomical illustration of a heart. you know how it is with love and hate.
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hi yeah so to this day i’m still thinking about the direct aftermath of the betrayal. about how we still don’t know exactly what happened - maybe the movie will give us some backstory! obviously we know the long-term effects of it, but what happened directly after the button was pushed? like did ambrosius realize what he’d done at first? was there instant horror and regret the moment it happened? or did it take a moment to register that he’d blown off ballister’s arm?
and how long did it take ambrosius to realize that the worst mistake of his life had been by design, planned all along? how long before he realized it was never really his fault, but rather the director’s? was it right after he’d stood up in the arena only to find that ballister was still on the ground, or was it a slow reconciliation with the truth that stretched across years?
and about the feud/breakup itself, too - how much of it was pushed by the director and the news, and how much was it ballister himself, rightly angry that he’d been betrayed? how many times did ambrosius try to tell ballister it was an accident before it became clear ballister didn’t believe him, and how many times after that was he just repeating himself over and over? did he ever mention that he’d tried to help, that he’d seen the spreading pool of blood and tried to rush over, only to be held back? did anybody ever find out that beneath the triumphant, untouchable king’s champion was a scared and bitter young knight, forever regretting something that was out of his control from the very beginning? that the price of his victory was so, so much higher than a broken lance and an arm?
what would it feel like, i wonder, to be a golden boy on a pedestal, exalted as a hero but despised by the person who mattered most to you? to be rewarded with fame and glory and a statue in the town square for something you never even meant to do, something that ruined everything? to be celebrated for the worst thing you ever did, crowned king’s champion and gilded in the eyes of the whole kingdom but knowing their approval means nothing compared to the love of the person you’d hurt, someone you’ll probably never get back again because why would you after what you’d done? to get everything you’d ever thought you wanted, at the expense of the one person who mattered most?
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Tuvok says that Vulcan children are very well behaved and have a lot of emotional control by the time they’re ~elementary school aged which makes sense but also makes me want to see what a Vulcan toddler or kindergartener acts like since they can’t be reasoned with as well (can’t really meditate) + are babies and also brimming with near irrepressible violence/emotions.
Vulcan toddler is just quietly accompanying their parent along on an errand. They stop and point to a toy of some sort and ask politely if they can have it. Their parent explains that they have enough toys at home. The toddler immediately throws the tantrum of the century. Just turns into an absolute wild animal in their rage. Other Vulcans are just like “aaa I remember when my children were that age” but any aliens around are like “oh my god is that thing OK??”
I imagine even older Vulcan children would have issues with emotional control given that they’re also children! Though they’d of course know they needed to control themselves and behave...sometimes you just slip up.
Vulcan children are playing together harmoniously. Then one breaks the established rules of the game.
“I made contact with your arm. You are now the chaser.”
“You did not make contact with my arm. I dodged your attempt.”
“You dodged unsuccessfully. I made contact with your arm.”
“I did not.”
“You are cheating.”
“I believe you are the one cheating.”
And an adult has to rush over as one pounces on the other and they both begin screaming and clawing at each other’s eyes. The rest of the children are watching with interest or perhaps grabbing implements to assist their friend.
Little lapses in emotional control would probably be common until they reached like....highschool age. I can imagine an eleven year old Vulcan hearing they can’t sleepover a friend’s home and immediately shattering a vase before apologizing and cleaning it up.
It also seems like bullying would be very prevalent on Vulcan. Spock is canonically bullied frequently and it seems natural that Violent, Extreme Emotions in teenagers would lead to that kind of behavior which isn’t outwardly unacceptable (like crying, laughing, etc) but still satisfies an illogical desire towards cruelty and establishing dominance.
Vulcans schools probably have so many ‘Bullying Is Illogical’ seminars that do nothing and everyone makes fun of behind their teacher’s backs.
Two Vulcan teenagers bullying each other, trying to see who has the more emotional reaction. If you cry or get mad you lose. Only babies cry and get mad...seems pretty illogical(cringe).
Vulcans seem to be very focused on respectability so I’m sure that as bloodthirsty teens there would be a lot of accusations and rules...if you hang out with X then Z,H and Y won’t talk to you. If you apologize too soon then they might accuse you of behaving too emotionally and gossip about you...if you don’t apologize at all they might accuse you of behaving too emotionally and gossip about you. It’s very stressful.
Tuvok also said when he was a teenager in that one flashback that he was ready to fight over the girl he had a crush on (saying he’d “issue a challenge” or something) so I’m implementing that into my personal understanding of Vulcans...like adults do NOT want these kids to fight but amongst other teens they’re like:
“Seynar is my boyfriend.”
“I disagree. He sat next to me during meditation three times this week.”
“Only because I was absent.”
“Then he is fickle and will be mine soon enough.”
And then they challenge one another to a secret duel after school. Dueling to the death is very cool and grownup v_v (teens rarely die from such duels though bc either the other teen stops or someone told an adult). It makes sense to me that teenagers with violent urges would fight one another in a way that they consider acceptably adult. (mimicking the marriage ritual thing or even pon farr...romantic and cool.)
Imagine being a teen Vulcan and your crush starts hinting that they have another person who might be interested in them....hmmm.....and you know you’re gonna have to duel for them or lose em. Such is life.
Vulcan teens seem like they’d either date a lot (emotional whims) very non seriously (because they’re all betrothed) or date not at all because they’re gonna get married to their betrothed anyway.
Loving someone other than your fated match is probably a pretty big trope in Vulcan romance stories...or maybe the opposite? Like someone bad tries to steal your heart but you remain resolute and return to your fated match as is logical.
Anyway all this to say that I think Vulcan children and emotional control is something that’s fun to think about. Especially regarding how Vulcan children would act around adults vs other children.
Vulcan child to adult: I will do my best to get along with my sibling.
(2 seconds later once mother has left)
Vulcan child: You may play with the red toy. If you play with the blue toy I will harm you. Bodily.
Meanwhile their older sibling is rolling their eyes like ugh....threatening violence is for babies....now to prepare for my logical and very adult duel for the love of my life whom I have known for three months. v_v
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hey guys. tumblr user thawthebeez back at it again with yet another haikyuu essay B) the topic of today is one that i see NOBODY talking about which is crazy because this motif is (in my opinion) one of the main foundations of the kagehina community.
now may someone please explain to me why the HELL nobody ever talks about how whenever Tobio expresses an insecurity of ANY KIND, Hinata is ALWAYS the first one to swoop in and tell him not to worry about it?
yes, we've all established that Hinata Shouyou is the #1 Kageyama Tobio understander. we get that. BUT THIS IS ONE OF THE MAIN DISPLAYS OF THAT AND I'VE SEEN LITERALLY NOBODY SPEAK OF IT EVER.
i'm pretty sure there's an instance of it in season 2 (either that or my brain just made it up) when Tobio is a little worried about his and Hinata's quick attack not really working out but Hinata tells him "nah you'll figure it out eventually" or something along those lines. i'm not going to lose my shit over it because i can't find it but if you know YOU KNOW.
a part that i COULD find from season 2, however, was this:
here we have Tobio explaining how talented of a setter Oikawa is- how he's so much better than him- and it's clear that this is something he's insecure about given his facial expression.
THEN we have Hinata's INSTANT response:
and it blows Tobio away because WHAT
because, to paraphrase a little, Tobio basically just said "yeah oikawa can make any spiker look good no matter what team he's on" to which Hinata replied "yeah but that team wouldn't be Karasuno" which is essentially "Karasuno is strong enough as it is" BUT- if ur crazy- " dw he wouldn't take your spot babe" (<- which probably isn't how it's meant to be interpreted because they just finished talking about The Team That's Stronger As Six thing so like... context clues. it's probably not the insane interpretation).
ANYWAYS boom there it is. Tobio expresses insecurity, Shouyou swoops in and goes "Ermmmm Actuallyyyyy🤓" WHICH IS SO FUCKING ENDEARING ON IT'S OWN BUT THE FACT THAT IT HAPPENS MORE THAN ONCE AND AT SUCH A CRITICAL POINT TOO
the critical point in question being:
(context: Tobio just came back from his training camp in Tokyo and is a little frustrated because he's gotten so used to playing with other prodigies like himself so to go back to talented-but-not-prodigious players is a bit of a switch for him. don't get him wrong tho he loves this team to DEATH it's just a little different that's all. hashtag number one Tobio apologist right here)
SO THERE'S THIS! and it goes without saying that Tobio is DEEPLY insecure about his late middle-school days and being referred to as a king. Tsukishima adds a little salt to the wound and while I didn't take a screenshot of it Tobio makes this look of absolute HORROR after he says what he says
(which, side note, shows a lot of a character development within Tobio. especially since I've been flipping between season 2 and 4 a lot looking for these clips. Tobio didn't even notice when he was acting kingly before but he realizes it INSTANTLY now which is so so so good for him yayyyy character development!)
this also leads fantastically into my next tangent which is
TOBIO FUCKING APOLOGIZES!
now, admittedly this isn't entirely related to my thesis but i absolutely ADORE talking about this scene and i genuinely think it is one of the most prevalent displays of character development within Tobio because i feel like he tends to get overshadowed by all the other characters (especially Hinata, which i'm not upset about in the slightest like it makes perfect sense and if Tobio got all the attention all the time the show would be soooo unbalanced)
but I feel like a lot of people skip over Tobio's overall development over the course of the show. I mean compare s1 Tobio to s4 Tobio THAT IS NOT SAME PERSON ANYMORE. he grows so much over such a short period of time (which is another essay I could write. something along the lines of "Explaining Why Tobio And Shouyou Need To Be On Separate Teams Actually Because Character Development Purposes" because the amount of people i've seen on tiktok complaining about kghn being on separate teams and how they should just be on the same team forever makes my blood boil violently) and it's so refreshing to see Tobio's growth especially as a big Tobio enjoyer.
ANYWAYS back to the main thesis.
So Hinata steps in IMMEDIATELY here. literally cuts Tobio's apology off because HE HAS NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. he was expressing his thoughts whatever that's fine he could have done it in a nicer way SURE but listen the guy still has a LOOOONNNGGGG way to go but still, nothing to apologize for. it's just growing pains, y'know?
now the quote "What's wrong with him being the King again?" appearing here isn't the first time we're seeing this. Hinata has ALWAYS been confused as to why calling Tobio a "King" is a bad thing. literally from day fucking one Hinata was like "nah dude I think that title is cool" WHICH, AGAIN, TOBIO BEING INSECURE ABOUT SOMETHING AND SHOUYOU REASSURING HIM THAT IT'S TOTALLY CHILL HELLO?????
LITERALLY FROM DAY ONE SHOUYOU HAS BEEN DOING THIS. THAT MAN MAY THINK TOBIO'S AN ASSHOLE SOMETIMES (and he kinda is) BUT NEVER WILL HINATA INHERENTLY HATE A PART OF HIM. and i don't think they realize it here nor do i think the realization comes soon after but at some point there will be the realization that they love each other. every single part. fucking Tobio probably realized it way back in junior high but that's a tangent for another time.
now this line.... this one right here...... oh my god i can be SO NORMAL ABOUT IT.
the main reason why Tobio had this look of HORROR on his face after he yelled at everyone was BECAUSE HE KNEW THE ENDING. he knew that yelling at them would have consequences (if it weren't for Hinata stepping in thank god). HE'S SEEN IT ALL BEFORE. in his final year of junior high he yelled at his teammates to run faster and jump higher and be better AND THEY LEFT HIM!!!
so Tobio yelling like this instantly makes him afraid that he's just ruined the entire balance of the team. he thinks he's going to be left behind again because he yelled and everyone is going to leave him BUT!!!!!
BUT SHOUYOU IMMEDIATELY JUMPS IN AND SAYS "idc what u say honestly if i don't like i'm just not gonna listen" OR, TO TRANSLATE "i'm not going anywhere regardless of what you say"
Tobio's biggest fear is losing this team. I literally do not need to explain why. that man would fucking DIE for this team (if you really need an explanation just to go the end of the Kamomedai match when Tobio admits that he's upset they lost because he wanted to play with that specific team more).
and for Hinata to essentially say "you could literally be as kingly as u want and i simply would not care, pal, i promise you i am NOT going ANYWHERE!!!" which has got to be SO FUCKING RELIEVING FOR TOBIO.
(also something something "nobody was there" / "i'm here" something something "doesn't matter what kind of toss goes up if you send it my way i'm hitting it" something something they're soulmates or whatever they are literally bound together by the universe they were destined to be together and it's a crime that universe kept them apart for so long and now that they're together they will always BE together two peas in a pod literally inseparable they are hot glued and duct taped together.)
and then there's this. i mean at this point you already know what i'm going to say like you get it by now but again IT MUST BE SO RELIEVING TO TOBIO to know that shouyou thinks his biggest insecurity is cool. that shouyou thinks that it's not something to be concerned about. that no matter what, no matter how much a King he is, they're not going anywhere.
SOMETHING SOMETHING "you drew stars around my scars" IF YOU EVEN CARE
and just the fact that it's always ALWAYS shouyou to do this. the fact that there was dead silence before shouyou spoke up. the fact that it's ALWAYS HIM there to understand Tobio (someone who has been misunderstood for as long as he can remember) GOD THEY DRIVE ME INSANE.
anyways thank you for being a witness to this madness👍
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I honestly have no idea what’s going on on tiktok or the greater internet at large, but I overheard one of my classmates talking about the Maui wildfires, and she said something along the lines of “yea it was all pretty awful, I’m starting to believe some of that space laser stuff. If you look at the burn pattern it was only houses and cars”
Stop that. Stop that right now. Whoever you are spreading shit about the Maui fires being some kind of targeted conspiracy, I need to you stop. There are no such thing as space lasers, all you’re doing is obscuring the real institutional failure that caused this.
I despise shit like this. Real people are suffering right now it’s not the time for stupid conspiracies. A power company had no regards for the safety of the island’s inhabitants, and the resulting fire was then picked up by the winds of a hurricane. Colonialism and climate change caused this, not a fucking laser.
I need well-meaning young leftists to not fucking fall for conspiracies like this. It helps no one and obscures accountability. What happened on Maui was awful, but claiming it was some secret targeted attack is not activism. Use your brains and please think when you hear a claim like that.
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