#or maybe thats the mommy issues talking | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

a-hazbin-reader · 3 months

Note

OK ANOTHER IDEA

OK SO WE KNOW THAT ALASTOR IS A MAMAS BOY AND HAS AN AMAZING RELATIONSHIP WITH HER

SO WHAT IF ALASTOR HAD A FEM S/O BUT SHE HAS A TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP WITH HER MOM, ITS JUST SO EMOTIONALLY TOXIC (especially with reader being an older sibling)

reader never tells him though because alastors relationship with his mom is good and she doesn’t wanna make him feel bad whenever he talks about her and one day readers mom comes to the hotel and reader DREADS it and becomes snappy but readers mom wins everyone over (of course alastor too). So when reader explains that she doesn’t want her mom around alastor can’t understand why and reader feels betrayed its only later when readers mom shows her true colors towards reader. And reader of course bites back (or at least tries too)

So basically angst to fluff and SORRY IF THATS SO MUCH😭😭

👀 Mommy issues??? 👀

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

TW: Emotionally Abusive mother, Reader suffering, Reader gets grabbed a few times, Ambiguous ending for mama

Description: ☝️⬆️

When it comes to mothers, it's safe to say you and Alastor had very different experiences

His mother was full of warmth and kindness towards him, doing her best to build him up into a great man

She loved him greatly and it shows whenever he talks about her

But your mother?? Your mother saw you as fucking competition and always found ways to put you down, to make herself better than you

Well maybe she should be the one who was cooking the meals, getting your younger siblings off to school on time or making sure everyone had clean clothes

Just the thought of her made your stomach flip and your legs shake

She would put you down all your life while claiming it was so that you could be a great woman just like her, but not too great, you have to remember who the better woman is

Well now you're both in hell so-

You put as much distance between her and yourself as you could, living your afterlife without her influence

You even got yourself a handsome powerful overlord boyfriend and new friends to share your life with

Even though you're supposed to be in hell, you couldn't be happier

At least you were until your mother showed up at the hotel, her face full of faux worry and tears

"Oh my precious girl! This is where you've been hiding? I was so worried!!"

Before Charlie can even shut the door, your mother has already shoved her way inside and literally dug her claws into you, hugging you

It's all you can do not to throw up, smothered by her familiar scent and grip, hearing her voice again after all this time

"Now let Mommy take a look at you-oh!!! And here I was worried that you were starving! Good to know you've put some weight on those bones!"

And it's already starting-

And now she's crying and rocking you in her arms, cooing about how much she's missed you and how she's never letting you go again

Charlie and the others are just staring at the two of you, completely enraptured by your mother, like everyone always is

She loved being the center of attention

When you finally come to your senses you push her away and create some distance, disturbed by the worried looks everyone is giving her

"Mom, why are you here?"

Oh don't everyone look at you like you're the bad guy!! She's the one who's only here because she wants something!!

"Maybe I wouldn't have to come track you down if you would just visit your poor mother every once in a while...she never even calls me, you know!"

And now she's crying again, Charlie immediately going to comfort her while Vaggie gives you a dirty look

Fucking mommy issues much? Don't fall for this crap

"I don't want to visit you, so just leave-"

"Well now, who is this~?"

Alastor! Yes! He can make her leave! You turn to give your boyfriend a pleading look but your mother catches his attention first

"Oh don't worry about who I am.. just a poor lonely mother who came to see her daughter...but I guess I'll show myself out.."

Alastor doesn't have to guess who she's talking about, even in death you always looked like your mother

His smile gets surprisingly warm and soft, taking your mother's hand in his own in a disgusting display of affection that used to only be for you

"You're Y/N's mother? My my, I should've guessed! You must have so many stories of her from her life! I simply must insist that you say."

ALASTOR NO

You feel sick but nobody notices, your mother already soaking up their attention and winning their hearts

So you turn and leave the hotel, unable to stand being in her presence any longer, you don't miss the smug look she gives you on your way out

You spend all day trying to avoid going back to the hotel until you're sure your mother is gone

You're more than disappointed to find her drinking tea with Alastor, the two of them laughing, her placing her hand on top of his

She always used to try and go after your boyfriends and that hasn't changed either

She hasn't changed

"Oh darling~! We hadn't realized you left! Alastor and I were simply having a moment~"

Alastor lights up when he sees you, only to be visibly confused by your troubled expression

"Y/N! Your mother was just telling me about her life before you! She was quite a wildcard back then!"

Your mother is practically drooling over him, rubbing his hand and winking

"I'm still wild if you ever care to find out!"

You've had it

You tug your mother's hand off of Alastor, forcing her to stand up and look you in the eyes

"You need to leave! Right now!"

And here come the waterworks again

"Y/N..! Darling, what did I do wrong? I'm your mother please don't throw me out like this!"

You just start pushing her towards the door and you slam it shut behind her, sighing in relief

That is until you look at Alastor's face, his smile seeming strained

"Y/N! You can't just throw her out like that, not only is that bad manners but that's no way to treat the woman who raised you!"

Raised you? You raised yourself!!

"Alastor, you don't know what you're talking about so please just stay out of it. You don't know what she's like-"

You're trying to stay calm-

"She's your mother, it's not like she's some evil creature-"

"SHE'S IN HELL OF COURSE SHE'S EVIL-"

"So are you and I, my dear."

You try to put your foot down, tell him that you don't want her here but he's already opening the door for her and letting her back in

She looks so pleased with herself

He invites her to stay the night because of course he does, he would do it for his own mother so why not yours

You try not to give her the satisfaction of seeing you cry but your eyes are already hot and watery

"I-I'm going to bed..!"

Alastor calls for you, trying to resolve things then and there but the only response he gets is your door slamming shut

He goes to go after you but your mother stops him with a gentle hand to the shoulder

"Now now...let her cool off for a bit then I'll go make sure she's alright, a mother always knows how to cheer up her child~"

It feels like you spend hours crying in your bed, feeling so hurt that Alastor took her side over yours

Your mom isn't like his, she doesn't nurture, she just takes from you and bullies you

Later, just when you've about cried yourself to sleep, you hear the bedroom door open

"Alastor..?"

"Not a chance, pet."

Now what does she want

"Why are you even here?"

Suddenly she pounces on you, grabbing your wrists tightly, eyes wild with fury she must've been containing this whole time

You don't even know why she's so mad at you, you haven't seen her in years-

"You think you're better than me now, is that it? Now that you're on your own, living in some fancy hotel, got some powerful boytoy, hiding behind hell's princess?"

As a kid, she seemed so strong but now you easily rip out of her grasp and manage to create some distance between you two

"I'm not hiding behind anyone! I'm just trying to get away from you!"

"Oh no no no, that's not how this works! I am your mother! If I have to be miserable and live in filth then so do you!"

"Why are you even here!?"

"Because it's not fair! I deserve to be here! Not some ungrateful little bitch who just happened to fall out of me!"

She lunges at you and you try to dodge her but she manages to grab you by your hair, yanking you back

You're about to start swinging when Alastor is suddenly there, watching the two of you in bewilderment

Then that bewilderment melts away into understanding, then anger

The radio sounds in the room are suddenly deafening, your mother letting go of you so she can cover her ears

You take the chance to kick her away, watching as she tumbles and loses consciousness from the impact

Alastor kneels beside you but you flinch away from him, still feeling hurt

"Y/N...I'm so sorry..." He does look properly ashamed, his smile a little watery

"Why didn't you just tell me that she was like this..?"

How could you even begin to start?? That you didn't want to somehow sour his opinion of mothers by telling him about your own?

That you didn't want him to feel guilty for having a mother who loved him while you grew up having to be a mother to your siblings because your own mom had none to give??

It's just word vomit at this point, but Alastor simply gathers you into his arms, tutting as he checks your scalp and fixes your hair

When he gets to your wrists where your mother grabbed than his smile turns positively venomous, giving your mother a deadly look

"What do you want me to do with her? Anything you ask..."

You're a little irritated that he brought her up, having been too relaxed by the feeling of his lips against your palm

"I just want her out of here..."

And that's all it takes, Alastor calls for Niffty and has her take out the trash, her scuttling out gleefully while dragging your mother

Niffty doesn't even care, she's just happy to have a new toy

You didn't realize how stressed out you were until it was just the two of you, Alastor rubbing your back soothingly

You don't know when you fall asleep but when you wake up Alastor is kissing the side of your face, looking as apologetic as he can be

You manage to convince him to apologize in morning snuggles and by the time you two come downstairs everyone else is awake

"Where is Y/N's mom?"

Not Niffty giggling and running out of the room

Alastor simply shakes his head and wraps an arm around your waist to hold you closer

"She is gone and won't ever be visiting again, I would like to ask that nobody brings her up again~"

Something about the way he says it manages to shut everyone up

Alastor takes you out to eat your favorite breakfast and spends the day spoiling you

He doesn't bring up the events of last night until the two of you are in bed, entangled in each other's arms

"You didn't ruin my opinion of mothers, you know."

"I didn't?"

"No, in fact, it sounds like you were quite the mother back in your day~"

Not his hand rubbing your belly

OH MAMA THIS ONE TOOK ALL DAY! I hope you liked it!!

#hazbin hotel x reader #alastor hazbin hotel x reader #alastor hazbin x reader #alastor x reader #hazbin x reader

2K notes · View notes

kabartmatzu · 9 months

Text

I wanted to redesing and rewrite Miraculous for a while. Then thought why not share my ideas so here is Chloé Bourgeois. (Duddeee I forgor the wingss?? 💀)

In my rewriting, power system is different. I will explain it on my further posts. Here I want to tell you more about my version of Chloé aka Queen Bee.

Chloé’s character is similar to show version. (First two seasons) Mommy issues, struggling with social relationships, bully… The difference is I keep the redemption arc :D In my version Ladybug and Chat Noir get their miraculouses when they were in high school. But show will take place at their twenties when they are in university. We will have flashbacks about high school years and how they got their miraculouses. Chloé also gets her miraculous in high school but it will be taken from her by Ladybug. This events will be similar to show too. Chloé won’t reveal her identity to everyone but will do wrong things to fix and seem like a hero. Her plan was to impress her mother as Queen Bee so later she can reveal her identity to her and make her mother proud of her for once :’) (Damn you Audrey)

Her only friend was Adrian for her whole childhood (same goes for Adrian) thanks to Audrey’s business with Gabriel. I thought her whole feelings towards Adrian is platonic but in her high school times she thought she has romantic feelings towards him because she never had friends other than Adrian and never had romantic interest. That’s why she will be clingy towards Adrian in high school.

In last year of high school after Ladybug took Bee miraculous from her, Marinette will try to fix her relationship with Audrey like in the show but it won’t work and Audrey probably say some really heartbreaking things and this will make Chloé angrier. She will blame Marinette and will be ruder to everyone (espacially to Marinette) at school, Sabrina will dump her (yaaay), Ladybug won’t trust her about an akuma attack (there are no akuma in my story tho but i want you to know what i am referring to rn) and Adrian will talk with her about her actions and how he doesn’t want to keep being friends with her anymore if she continues. She will get akumatized too and hurt her teacher (forgor her name) and Sabrina. She will collapse and leave Paris. I am not sure where she will go, probably i will make her go another country at Europe.

She will change her contacts so Adrian won’t be able to reach her. She will go therapy there and will be emotionally better. I feel like she would study child psychology maybe become a teacher or something. I also thought she will take self defense classes too since Ladybug told that she doesn’t have enough experience on fighting and they ve been getting educated for years to hold a miraculous, when she took bee miraculous from her. ( thats a lie tho it has only been a few months not years lmao)

After 2 or 3 years she will return to Paris (when show takes time at)for a few days just to see her father and apologize to Sabrina, Adrian and Marinette. I thought Sabrina won’t even wanna listen her. So she will decide not to see Adrian because she will think he doesn’t want to see her either. Then she will find herself in the middle of akuma attack. She will see where the akumatized item is. Ladybug and Chatnoir will be surprised to see her there of course but they are in the middle of fight. Chloé will try to tell where the akuma is but Ladybug will immediately tell Chatnoir to take her somewhere safe and he will. Chloé will tell Chatnoir that she knows how to defeat the akuma and she is sorry for being a bad holder back than. Adrian is so confused seeing her friend after years of course but can’t say anything (you know ,secret identity 🤷). Akuma will be defeated and he will go to Chloé to thank.

So then she will go to bakery hoping Marinette will be there in university break and hoping at least Marinette would like to listen her like back then. And as she hoped, Marinette wants to listen her. I might make a comic with this scene later. Right now I don’t have the words to describe the dialogue in here. But it will be about how she came to apologize and she is now a different person but how she doesn’t expect to be forgiven since Sabrina didn’t. And I thought Marinette would hug her seeing how in the edge she is and she might cry :’’(

I know I know it is so plane but i am not good at writing. I just tell what my ideas are. It is not the end. I will write about what happens later but first I should make posts about other holders and power system. Powers are different in my version so story might be confusing without knowing them. Bee miraculous also has slightly a different power. So first I will tell about them. Then I might try harder and write the story better hehe.

About Zoe btw I don’t even know if I want her to exit lmaoo. No hate don’t get me wrong but she is not even a character in the show. I am not sure what to do about her yet.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate that. 🪐🌟

=====Turkish translate======

Bir süredir Mucize’yi tekrar tasarlamak ve yazmak istiyordum. Kendi kendime dedim ki neden fikirlerimi paylaşmayayım ve paylaşmaya karar verdim. Ta daa Chloé Bourgeois! ( kanatlarını çizmeyi unutmuşum ama çaktırmayın)

Benim alternatifimde güç sistemi farklı. İlerki postlarımda açıklayacağım. Burada daha çok benim tasarladığım Chloe’den diğer adıyla Kraliçe Arı’dan bahsetmek istiyorum.

Aslında Chloe’nin karakteri dizidekine yakın. (İlk iki sezondaki) Annesi ile sorunları, sosyal ilişkilerde sıkıntılar, zorba biri olması… Fark ise ‘redemtion arc’ ını çöpe atmadım. :D Benim versiyonumda Uğur Böceği ve Kara Kedi mucizelerini lise okurken alıyorlar ama hikaye üniversite yıllarında, yirmili yaşlarında geçiyor. Lise yıllarında yaşadıklarına arada ‘flashback’lerle değinmeyi düşünüyorum. Chloe de mucizesini lisede alıyor ancak Uğur Böceği ondan geri alıyor. Bu olaylar da dizidekine benziyor. Chloe kimliğini herkese açıklamak yerine önce Kraliçe Arı olarak annesini etkileyip sonra ona kimliğini açıklamayı düşünüyor. Böylelikle sonunda annesinin onunla gurur duyacağını düşünüyor. Dizideki gibi sorunlar çıkarıp sonra kahraman gibi davranıp insanları kurtarmış gibi gösteriyor kendisini.

Küçüklüğünde tek arkadaşı Adriandı. O da annesi Audrey’in Gabriel ile olan işi sayesinde. Aslında Adrian’a karşı tamamen platonik sevgi (arkadaş olarak seviyor yani karşılıksız sevgi anlamında değil) beslediğini düşünüyorum. Hiç bir zaman romantik hisleri olmadı ama Adrian’dan başka arkadaşı olmadığı için ve daha önce hiç romantik duygular hissetmediğinden Adrian’a olan duygularını romantik sevgi ile karıştırdığını düşünüyorum.

Lisenin son yılında Uğur Böceği, arı mucizesini ondan alıyor; Marinette Chloe’nin annesi ile olan ilişkisini düzeltmeye yardım ederken işler ters gidiyor ve Audrey, Chloe’ye kalp kırıcı şeyler söylüyor. Bu Chloe’yi ilerki günlerde daha agresif yapıyor, Marinette’i her zamankinden daha fazla aşağılayıp olanlar yüzünden onu suçluyor, Sabrina dayanamayıp onunla ilişkisini kesiyor (yürü be Sabrina), Uğur Böceği akuma saldırısı konusunda Chloe’ye güvenmiyor( akumalar benim versiyonumda yok ama şimdilik anlaşılmak için akuma diyeceğim) ve Adrian böyle biri olmaya devam ederse onunla arkadaş olmak istemediğini söylüyor. Bunların hepsi Chloe’nin duygusal olarak yıkılmasına hatta belki akumalanarak sevdiği insanlara, şu adını unuttuğum öğretmenleri ve belki Sabrina’ya, zarar vermesine yol açıyor. Tüm bunlar Chloe’nin Paris’ten ayrılarak başka bir Avrupa ülkesine gitmesiyle sonuçlanıyor.

Burda Chloe iletişim bilgilerini bile değiştiriyor ve Adrian dahil kimse ona ulaşamıyor. Terapi alıyor. Üniversitede çocuk psikolojisi okuyor belki de öğretmen olmak istiyor diye düşündüm. Hatta bazı dövüş sanatlarını da öğreniyor çünkü Uğur Böceği mucizeyi alırken ona yeterli savaş deneyimi olmadığını ve kendilerinin yıllardır eğitim aldığını söylüyor. ( Yalan tabii. Sadece bir kaç aydır çalışıyorlar yıllardır değil.)

2 ya da 3 yıl içinde ( hikayenin geçtiği zaman ) Paris’e dönüyor. Sadece bir kaç günlüğüne babasını görmeye; Sabrina, Adrian ve Marinette’den özür dilemeye geliyor. Sabrina onu dinlemek bile istemeyince Adrian’ın da aynı tepkiyi vereceğini düşündüğünden onu görmekten vazgeçiyor. Marinette’i görmeye giderken kendisini akuma saldırının ortasında buluyor ve Uğur Böceği ile Kara Kediye yardım etmeye çalışıyor. Kahramanlar Chloe’yi gördüklerine çok şaşırıyorlar ama savaşın tam ortasındalar bu yüzden Kara Kedi onu alıp daha güvenli bir yere götürüyor. Chloe, Kara Kedi’ye akumanın nerde olduğunu söylüyor ve önceden kötü bir kahraman olduğu için özür diliyor. Adrian eski arkadaşını gördüğüne çok mutlu oluyor tabii ama hiç bir şey söyleyemiyor çünkü gizli kimlik şeysinden. Akumayı yeniyorlar tabii ve Chloe ye teşekkür ediyor.

Daha sonra Chloe Marinette’ i görmeyi umarak pastanelerine gidiyor. Ve umduğu gibi Marinette orda oluyor. Burdaki sahne hakkında daha sonra bi çizgi roman yapmayı düşünüyorum şimdilik dialog kafamda tam değil ama basitçe Marinette’den özür diliyor, artık eskisi gibi olmadığını ama yine de Sabrina gibi affetmek zorunda olmadığını sadece farklı biri olduğunu bilmesini istediğini söylüyor. Burda Marinette’in ona sarılacağını düşündüm bu da yaşlarını zor tutan Chloe’yi ağlatacak.

Biliyorum biliyorum anlatımım aşırı düz ama yazmakta iyi değilim. Sadece kafamdaki fikirleri aktarıyorum. Bu son değil. Devamını yazacağım ama önce diğer Mucize kullanıcıları hakkında ve güç sistemi üzerine postlar yapmak istiyorum. Neleri değiştirdiğimi bilmeden hikayeyi anlamak zor olabilir. Yazım şeklimi de daha akıcı ve güzel hale getirmeye çalışacağım.

Zoe’yi sorarsanız onun hakkında ne yapacağımı henüz bilmiyorum. Onu hikayeye ekler miyim emin bile değilim. Açıkçası dizide hiç bir kişiliği olmayan bom boş bir karakter. O yüzden emin değilim.

Okuduğun için teşekkür ederim. 🪐🌟

429 notes · View notes

dorims · 1 month

Note

What kinks do u think Roman has?

I just know they’re weird (and I’d still be into them)

so if i have to be honest, ive never really thought about roman's kinks 🥲 HOWEVER you know how he shamed tom for swallowing back his cum after tabs sucked him off?? yeah he's definitely into that and you can't tell me otherwise.

and without further ado! a little brainstorm under the cut <3

tags. VERY SUGGESTIVE, MDNI, an overall masochistic vibe, degradation/praise, allusions to cheating, impact play, mentions of roman's low self-esteem

a/n. psa im not familiar with writing smut and if i gotta be honest im pretty vanilla myself so...do with that what you will LMFAO

masochism

hes a masochist, we been knew

its pretty much the central theme of these hcs too

degradation/praise

so definitely degradation bc its roman, cmon. but for some reason i cant help but think that he's really into being praised too?

could be wrong but i feel like he'd only let himself be praised after he's developed a solid bond with his partner, and it'd probably go from being degraded to a mix of degradation and praise to full praise in some occasions.

if theres not a smooth transition i feel like he would panic and shut himself out. like it feels too intimate or smth.

cuckolding (controversial)

i think he would like it bc it hurts. like his partner sleeping with someone else is kind of like a slap to the face

a situation that has him constantly thinking 'I'm not enough' and that kind of hurt i think he gets off on bc masochism <3

but thats only maybe with the condition he somehow gets the chance to prove to himself and to you that he is better than the person you're sleeping with

OR he's into 'pseudo-cuckolding' so he likes the idea that you COULD go and sleep with someone but you dont, kinda like what happened with grace and the server

SO MAYBE IM WRONG and he would actually hate this but you know, im trynna brainstorm

phone sex (is this even a kink?)

only the sound of your voice and his,

kinda like the romangerri situation LMFAO

because think about it, this way you dont have to actually see him. that would comfort him in some way because of his low self-esteem and self-image issues. that way you can picture anything you want and not be disappointed with the real thing, you know?

i also think that phone sex (or bathroom door sex????) would help him open up until he grows comfortable enough in the intimacy the two of you are building

love how this are supposed to be smut hcs yet im making them slightly angsty

impact play

i think this might be a little self-explanatory, but yes, getting hit in a sexual context turns him on

only when he is receiving ofc

dom/sub dynamics

he's a massive sub and no one can tell me otherwise

its literally on the show TT

ANYWAY, he's probably bratty at first but then just gives in to your every demand because he aims to please

still likes to get on your nerves though, like a lot and i think thats because even when he's been an annoying piece of shit in bed you still take care of him and that reinforces, in his head, that, sure he's being unbearable but that doesn't take away the fact that you care for him and love him, ya know?

also, he would probably call you mommy/daddy at first jokingly but the it kinda sticks??

freud would have a field day with roman roy

OOC BUT FUN TO THINK ABOUT: vanilla sex

hear me out, ik roman's character is pretty much the personification of the words 'kinky mf' but idk

i think vanilla sex would suit roman SOO much. i think for roman to reach the point of having sex with ANYONE there needs to be a established foundation of trust and respect and perhaps love too

and i know sex doesn't necessarily mean love, but we are talking about a man who's definition of love is pain - like love HAS to hurt for it to be love - and undoubtedly he would twist his perception of sex to fit that same definition of love because love is a branch of intimacy and so is sex, you feel me?

i just feel like it would show roman another side of intimacy. all gentle and kind and giggly sex and intimacy doesn't necessarily have to hurt for it to feel good.

like imagine just plain vanilla sex and its banter and laughter and quips and help me lol

vanilla sex and aftercare would solve all his problems, i said what i said /hj

#roman roy x reader #roman roy x you #roman roy smut #succession fanfiction #succession imagine #succession #roman roy #smut #asks !!

61 notes · View notes

staybeautifulmp3 · 2 months

Note

she's so patronising to him though like a relationship like that would be so annoying. he doesn't need to be told what he feels and what to do about it every day. they're fine as besties but he doesn't want more

two questions: genuinely, im not trying to be snippy at all, is this in reference to something ive said? i checked my recent postings i couldn’t find anything?? and second, um you didn’t specify who you’re talking about .. im guessing donna and harvey on usa legal drama suits? im just gonna answer to the best of my ability, as if this is about donnaharvey which im like 90% sure it is?? okay

i mean, respectfully, i would certainly push back on the idea she “tells him what to do” cus she’s certainly his emotional intelligence like she tells him what hes thinking—or at least her interpretation of what he’s thinking. theres certainly evidence of that, the scene that comes to mind is its in late s3, and mike wants to leave to take the finance job, and harvey snaps at scottie, and donna (very gently) reprimands him for it, and she tells him he’s hurt not angry “you’re hurt and the anger covers the hurt, but i know you didn’t know that.” she definitely provides him with insight into his emotions, but in a way i would argue any friend would.

there’s also a scene from season 2(?) i think, where donna is trying to get harvey to pursue scottie and she tells him to his face “i know your mother hurt you but you need to get over it” or, in other words “sorry about your mommy issues but you need to grow the fuck up.” and again i think thats a perfectly reasonable thing to say as a friend to your friend—she sees him hurting and lonely and she can do something about it, all she needs to do is encourage him to seek out a relationship with a woman who loves him, i think that’s perfectly acceptable.

i really dont see how its patronizing in any way? i mean there are certainly a couple jokes like “men are so stupid lol” but nothing that has really stood out to me as anything different than 2010s network drama gender politics, and so few and far between i cant think of any specific instances off the top of my head.

second of all, to the best of my knowledge (having seen up to 6x05 atp), that all stops when he starts going to therapy. i cant think of a single instance after season 5 when she tells him what hes feeling (i mean maybe she does in seasons 7, 8 + 9 but i haven’t seen it so i cant say lol)

but from what ive seen, her telling him his emotions stops when he starts receiving therapy with a trained professional. and thats just healthy! yknow he no longer needs to be told what hes thinking because he’s learning more about himself and his reaction to trauma and how to be a more functionally stable adult. and after that is the only way he can keep and maintain a meaningful, productive relationship.

also, not to be crass but i 100% think harvey goes face down ass up when someone tells him what to do (especially if its mike or donna or jessica)

finally i do fully respectfully disagree that “theyre good as besties but he doesn’t want more” first of all, i think you might be confusing his repression and inability to parse his love for donna as a woman and his love for donna as a friend, as a lack of attraction. i think a) hes very repressed and messed up from his childhood so like, he can fuck people but loving people is a whole other story and b) he absolutely loves her as a friend, and i think he’s just boxed up his attraction and affection for her since they moved to pearson hardman 10(?) years ago.

second of all, gabriel macht and sarah rafferty you can tell has SOOOOO much fun together and they have so much chemistry, so i distrust any interpretation of donna and harvey that doesn’t think they wanna fuck each others brains out

what was i talking about? i dont think i have a closing statement, i just think donna and harvey’s relationship re:her telling him what to do is completely legitimate and follows a natural progression of two people trying to be healthy adults

#this is like 700 words .. anyway thank you anon! i genuinly enjoy things like this as an intellectual excercise #amanda.mail #suitsposting

19 notes · View notes

daddyelliott1979 · 4 months

Text

Reflections on being a Daddy

Something we don't acknowledge enough on our communities is Daddy/Mommy/CG/Dom mental health and head spaces including when ours drop.

In fact our feelings are often forgotten about compared to the Sea of feelings, thoughts and Mental health of Littles and Subs.

Some would argue that's how it should be, we are the Bigs and therefore should some how beable to handle it.

Let me tell you as someone who is not only a former little turned Daddy, but also a Therapist, this simply isn't true!

I want in this post to concentrate on a couple key areas.

Head Space Drops

Post visit feelings

CG mental health

Head space drops

If a CG or Dom fails to do something, like say Good morning or some other usual thing they do, perhaps because they are busy; you will most likely see a post somewhere about "my Daddy made me feel".

Maybe they were curt, or distracted snd not attentive enough. Or didn't enforce a rule.

And it usually will centre around a head space drop. And as a Daddy thats upsetting to read.

But what we don't talk about is when subs or littles don't follow a rule or don't something that was expected- perhaps they were busy.

What we don't see us posts about the CG head space drop- and that i find interesting.

In fact we don't talk about CG headspaces at all- and let me tell you we have them!

For me I create huge spaces in my life for my boys. Those spaces are full of joy and excitement!

Heres the thing that really needs to be talked about, we need you! We can't be us, without you!

A baby can put on a Nappy, grab a Dummy, a Stuffie, put on Bluey, and bab out!

CG don't have that option! And we don't talk about it. You could often be mistaken for believing a CG is no more than a Nappy or other tool for the little to explore their "littleness".

Post visit feelings

Let me tell you, the sadest part post a visit isn't just helping our charges transition, dealing with their emotions, that they are sad to go home.

Its also holding that for ourselves!

I have to do that whilst cleaning up the nursery, washing all the Baby clothes and bottles.

The sadest part for me us taking down the baby gate- on reflection its symbolic of my care and protection for my boys. And it breaks my heart every time!

Then comes the post visit loneliness, at this point your little is home, they tell you how much they enjoyed their visut- which is always wonderful to hear.

They will tell they have padded up and chilling.

And you are left to hold them and you! Which is great because they still need you; Daddy head space is on- but sometimes they are off out to be big with family, friends or lovers.

And in those moments the feeling of head space drop comes in- who are you when your little doesn't need you?

And if we allow that feeling to fester we can experience depression, anxiety and a host of other feelings we don't want to talk about!

CG mental health

Heres the thing, we often act like a Dom, and we often use terms like "true Dom", should be strong, self assured and have their life together.

Let me tell you as a Therapist this is beyond toxic and nothing more than Patriarchal style beliefs in manliness and masculinity- from the perspective of a Daddy atleast.

Its our capability and capacity for love that makes us a Dom or CG. We take on the children of others and love them like they were our own.

But that doesn't mean we are not susceptible to depression, mental health or a multitude of other issues.

We are not invulnerable!

We often deal with very real and very raw feelings!

Conclusion

I want you all to think the next time your CG asks/reminds you to follow a rule, one you probably asked for; to not view their request as nagging. But to see this an opportunity to help your CG with their feelings and headspace.

Because both the Littles and the CG headspace matters!

We could do with being a little more sensitive to each others feelings and headspace too!

33 notes · View notes

hymn-of-muse · 8 months

Text

You can stay

A Master Joris + Adopted Child!Sadida!Reader. requested by anon!

using they/them for reader by default, Y/N = your name

Dust begins to settle as the commotion comes to an end. Much of the land, a huge part of the Sadida forrest, was damaged during Nox's attack on the tree.

Many of the people of the kingdom were injured, some even lost in the damage. Some of whom were parents even.

Joris let out a solom sigh as he looked about, checking around places in the forest that were damaged to see if anyone needed help, when he heard a noise that made him pause and listen.

Joris strained his ears to listen for it again. in the quiet of the once lively part of the forest there was a distant voice, a cry. weeping. sad calling and wailing that made his heart drop as his feet quickly took him closer to the source of the sound.

There, at the edge of the ruined forest, sitting by a group of dead tree stumps, a small Sadida child weeping and calling out for their parents between sobs.

He stepped a bit closer, slowly as to not startle them, and called out. "Hey there, little one" Once they lifted their head from their hands and stared at him through watery eyes he extended his hand out to them. "You'll be alright. Do you want to come with me? Maybe we can find your folks, okay?" He spoke softly, offering a small, sweet smile in attepmt to comfort.

The child whimpered, rubbing some more tears away before nodding and taking his hand, letting him pull them to their feet and lead them further into the lush part of the forest and to the heart of the Sadida kingdom where more people were staying after the attack.

"I promise you'll be okay, little one. Do you have a name?" he asked, their hand still firmly in his own.

The child was quiet, giving the softest verbal response despite their voice cracking as they tried to keep from crying more, still in the process of calming down. "Y/N..."

"Y/N...I like it, sounds just as special as you." He offered another smile, earning a small thankful one from the child in return.

Soon they arrived at a small station where people who've lost their homes in the attack where staying until things got sorted out. he had y/n stay seated while he went to talk to someone about finding their parents, but he'd soon find out how difficult that would be.

"what do you mean you dont know? there's plenty of people here, surely someone knows something. they have to be here, or somewhere in the forest, we cant just leave the kid here without their parents!" Joris huffed as he discussed the situation with an older Sadida woman.

"I'm sorry, Master Joris, thats just it. Theres so many here and so many unaccounted for that we cant keep track like that. we'll see what we can do but it might take a while, at least a day or so before we can find anything out about their parents." The woman explained with a sympathetic expression.

"What do we do with them in the meantime?" Joris sighed, crossing his arms and glancing back at y/n.

"well...they could stay with you." The woman offered.

"me? what, why?"

"er-it would just be until we find their parents, i mean, you do seem fairly good with kids and have already taking a liking to each other, they'd probably feel safe with you too." She offered, a kind smile spreading across her face.

"hmm...i guess you have a point, but just until this is all figured out." Joris stated, a bit hesitant but willing to give it a shot.

"We'll have someone alert you as soon as we have some news." The woman said before turning to tend to someone else's issues.

Joris walked back to the kid, running through his mind how he'd bring this up and explain without worrying the kid anymore than they already are.

"Hey kid, how are you holding up." He asked, taking a seat next to them.

"okay...did the lady say where my mommy and daddy are? are they here?" y/n asked, looking at Joris with hope in their eyes. it just about was enough to wrench his heart out.

"we still dont know yet, but she did say you could stay with me till we find them, would that be okay with you?" he asked, hoping this didnt make things hurt worse for them.

y/n's face fell at the first half but listed back up a tad bit at the later. The idea of staying with him seemed to be a good idea and bring a sense of safety, just like the woman had said.

y/n nodded in agreement. "thats okay!" they stated, sounding almost eager towards the idea before suddenly leaning into joris and giving him a big hug.

"alright then, guess you'll be with me for a bit" Joris nodded, lightly patting their back.

a few days passed by, Joris hadn't yet gotten any news or updates of the situation about the kid's family and he was beginning to adjust to having them around like a second shadow.

He was sitting with them at the table when a knock came at the door. "one minute, little one, i'll be back after answering that" Joris excused himself and got up to answer the door.

"Yes?" He opened the door to see someone from the shelter giving a nervous smile on the other side of the door.

"um..Master Joris, I bring some news...*unfortunate* news, I'm afraid." They said hesitantly.

Joris stepped outside, closing the door behind him and looking up to them when he crossed his arms. "I'm guessing you haven't found their parents yet?"

"well...we did, sort of...but thats just it, what i came to tell you. they were found but, theyre..not among us anymore." They continued to speak nervously, pausing between some words as they attempted to explain.

Joris very quickly understood the implications of this news and it felt like his heart was being held my sharp claws and in his throat. "i...i see...so then what about Y/N? what happens to them?"

"they dont have any family left, theres no one else they could stay with..." they stated sadly.

"yes but-...no one else? are you suggesting they stay with me longer?" Joris rose an eyebrow

"Yes, permanently in fact. things between you seemed to have been going well for the past few days, theyre safe with you and they do seem to really like you." they pointed out "we all agreed it was the best idea"

"i...youre saying i should take them in...?" Joris rose an eyebrow, doing his best to process this.

"Adopt them, yes. youre the best choice, clearly, theres not much else that can be done either." they admitted.

"...adopt? me? ....i..." he sighed "i'll have to have quite the talk with them." Joris mumbled.

"It'll be worth it for you both" they smiled thankfully before walking off.

Joris went back inside and back to the table where he'd previously been sitting with y/n.

"who was that?" y/n asked, tilting their head slightly in curiousity.

"that was...someone from the shelter bringing news." he answered, trying hard to think up a quick few lines to better phrase the news for the kid.

"did they find mommy and daddy?" they asked, once again the hopeful look in their eyes returning.

Joris hesitated some more when they asked, eyes shifting about before landing back on y/n as he came up with what to say.

[author lost motivation to complete the story, many apologies.]

29 notes · View notes

altocat · 7 months

Note

As much as I love all the fleshing out of our boi (lil bit of a negative rant here) I dont really like how he was given an picture of his actual birth mother tbh

To me it kinda destroys the whole idea of Seph's uncertainty about her, how he never even saw his mother, never met her, never knew what she looked like, but only ever knew her "name", which is why when he meets "Mother" during the Nibelheim Incident years later, its such a big moment for him because thats what hes searched for his whole life, and now hes seeing "her" for the first time

Like I'm sure you can maybe find a way to change my mind since your pretty good at that stuff, but honestly Im not sure about this idea anyway (if they rlly wanted a photo, maybe it couldve been a very blurred photo of Lucrecia or Jenova or some Random Woman, but still im iffy on it)

Sorry for da ramble btw, I love your look into Sephiroth's character and I just wonder how you feel bout it

(my opinion plz dont be mad aaah)

No, no! That's all totally understandable.

I'm personally pretty split on the photo. On one hand, it's extremely on the nose and tbh I'd prefer if Seph was almost completely kept in the dark about his mother, rather than know what she looks like. I'd always been under the impression that he was completely kept in the dark. Now he at least has a kernel. And that can take away a lot of the punch.

That all said, I think the scene is more of a means of reminding casual fans that Sephiroth has some serious abandonment issues in relation to his mother. These are things I've been talking about for a long time, but the games are surprisingly meager when it comes to ever bringing them up. He has some serious mommy issues and always had. If it took an added scene with a photo to illustrate this to fans, good. That's fine.

It also adds a new layer of sadism in Hojo's upbringing of him. Hojo gave him the photo, but also completely lied and then refused to tell him anything. That's....incredibly evil. And messed up. Perhaps it shapes how Sephiroth sees Jenova. Perhaps it resembles Lucrecia to him. Or perhaps he thinks the photo is a complete lie by the time he finds things out, hence why Hojo never told him anything.

I don't think it breaks his backstory lore that much. It's more of a refresher to players that this child has been bereft of his mother since birth and is now fighting a war. Is it a bit clumsily handled? Yeah. And I can see some people really disliking this change. But it's not too much of a big deal for me. And hey, we got a new render of Lucrecia just in time for Rebirth. If Rebirth and Part 3 are set up as legitimate entries in the series, perhaps we will FINALLY get some Lucrecia-Sephiroth closure.

#asks #ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy 7 #sephcanons #sephiroth #lucrecia crescent #ffvii ever crisis #ever crisis #ffvii first soldier #first soldier

20 notes · View notes

freshlyrage · 10 months

Text

Running Like Water

Chapter 8 Javi's Chapter

whats playing: Self Control by Frank Ocean

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I'm bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 9.2k

Javier had picked up on a few habits. Nail biting came first when he loaded into his truck when he left in 1980. He tried to keep from looking at you after you stained his shirt a deeper shade of blue with your tears. Biting his nails for the first time, right hand, his left hand was patting down the mark on his shirt. Lorraine in the back talking off his head as Don Chucho drove. Chucho always knew, he knew, so he rested his right hand on Javi’s shoulder as he drove into and out of town. Javier's hands flex as he imagines your back under his palm.

And the apartment in Houston never felt like home. Not for a second. Immediately he felt like a lost little kid. He gave himself time to inch back tears alone in the bathroom as his estranged girlfriend frolicked around the home. Lorraine was thrilled, she had genuinely thought that her cheating was behind them. Javier never got over that, never got over his time being wasted and in turn allowing her to waste more of it.

He spent June and July finishing his GED, living off the temporary money his dad had given them. Lorraine was the same, living off her savings and money from her mom until she started school in August, and until he was of age to work at the precinct.

One week in, Javier found a new habit with tobacco wrapped in white. Heading to cop bars with his older colleagues who would sneak the eighteen year old in. Lorraine was stressed with school by week one and Javi took her study time to ring your house yet you were never the person to pick up. “Oh, no she's out right now.” Javier’s brow would crease, wanting to ask, with who? Where at? He would still tell Frankie to relay messages of hope everything is good although he had other words he wanted to say but that was for your ears only.

Climbing out the hole that is their room, Lorraine, “How is everyone?” Her eyes tired from stress. By mid september Javier had started to sleep in the bed with Lorraine. They had shown good face for their friends before they moved but the second they were confined to this space, all of their grievances were revealed. Just in the first week, you are a lousy boyfriend, you never tell me how you really feel, Javier would dig back but his weren't low, he would just repeat over and over that she should have some sort of decency to break up with him before she jumped onto someone else. Even in september he was angry but an argument ended in them fucking so thats when sleeping in the same bed made its debut. Very healthy.

“I only spoke to Frankie, he’s working. So is Genie, still cleaning up that office space.” He left you out because your name was brought up in those arguments with accusations of leading the poor girl on, Lorraine's words.

Lorraine liked you, a lot, but she was very weary of you. Maybe she didn't have the right since she had cheated on Javier, and truthfully you hadn't crossed any lines when they were together. You had just suffered in silence, if anyone was crossing lines it was Javi but even that… you wouldn't call crossing. The lines were blurring and he nearly tripped over. The line disappeared when she cheated and Javi moaned into your soft mouth.

Lorraine walks behind Javier as he smokes out the window, her hand skating his shoulder in a hold he didn't want. Not when he lit his cigarette to ease his worries of you.

Her cheek resting on your shoulder, “And Andrea?”

Stay cool, any incorrect phrasing and Javier was done for, back on the couch.

He flares his nostrils out of sight of his blonde girl, “Nothing new, just started school. She wasn't home.”

“And you asked for her?” Her voice was slightly unsettled and threatening. Javi sighs knowing where this was going, flicking his cigarette. Lorraine hated the habit, being in school for health care and all, also hated kissing him with the taste. As much as he wanted to be angry with how Lorraine had become with you after they had gone away he sort of understood her. Although he had the looming knowledge of Lorraine kissing someone else while they were deep in- he still had a grasp on what you must come across as. Less of how you came across, more-so how he responded to the call of your name.

Javier shakes his head before looking down out the window making sure the coast was clear before dropping the stick off the ledge. “No, Frankie just told me”. The conversation ended there and Javier served her dinner.

He would call once a week to your house and still you just never seemed to be home. He would get small snippets into your life that fall. He heard you cut your beautiful long hair off. Javier’s eyes wide at the thought of how the short hair would look on you, he knew you could pull any look off. He felt it might've been weird to ask for a picture from your brother but Javier got lucky when he received your school picture in the mail from his dad.

You are missed at home. Here is Andrea’s school picture her mom gave me, and a picture of me and Frankie at Genie’s salon

See you at thanksgiving.

Love,

Your dad

Javier traced a hand over the image of his father and best friend in front of the pink lit sign. His slow breathing at the sight of you for the first time in forever. Biting the inside of his lip when he sees your bright eyed smile and short hair. Fuck, he wishes he was home with you, with his dad and with everyone.

Javi tucked the image in his wallet and headed to work. He thought about you that whole day.

After two weeks of internal struggle and eye contact avoidance with his girlfriend Javier came to a silent conclusion. He was a selfish person, it wasn’t a trait from his father, probably from his mom who selfishly abandoned him at too ripe of an age. An age he denies he remembers but he knows it all.

He knew kissing you, taking you to his home, asking to make him stay, he knew all of it was selfish. His self control just wasn't there. Not when you trusted and adored him so much. He flicks his cigarette outside the precinct next to his favorite co worker, Thomas. Javier decided to call less and although it wasn't you on the end of the line he knew him reaching out so often would just continue to hurt you for his own selfish gain.

You deserved to have a normal high school life, boyfriends and friends, not tied to the phone calls and subliminal flirts hoping you know he still feels deeply for you. He was envious of your ability to be so absent. You must have been finally getting a taste of the simplicity of a life without him. The time just isn't right for the two of you.

Javier makes his last call in December.

That day in December Javier had been drinking, alone as Lorraine stayed out with her classmates. His beer on his right and ashtray on his left. He almost chuckles at how mortified you would be at this image. He looked at himself a few times in the mirror and could see that boyish look leaving him more and more everyday, and it wasn't just his new killer mustache and stress lines growing. It was the way he was carrying himself, eighteen and assumed to be pushing thirty. Just great. A grown little man.

Donny Hathaway playing through his record player, he just keeps aging himself.

He rings the house, sort of figuring it’ll be Melissa or Frankie telling him he just missed you. But it's your squeak that he hears for the first time in seven months, his blood running cold and his hand hurrying to put out his cigarette like you were really there to scold him for it. He decides against it, keeping it burning between his fingers.

“Andrea, haven't heard your voice in awhile.” He breathes out in a pathetic hurried way. His own cheeks burning in embarrassment. You hum over the phone at his words and Javi looks to his lap hiding a smile from no one but himself.

“I’ve been busy, keep missing your call. I don’t want to bother ringing your house either.” Javier laughs at the irony, just last year you had been passing his house to see if he was there and now it was him trying to get a glimpse of your life from miles away. He thinks of how nervous you used to be when he smiled, how you would run a hand through your hair, your hair.

“Busy doing what? I saw the picture your mom sent by the way-Hair looks nice, looks pretty on you” He closes his eyes and breathes through his nose, feeling like anything he says to you crosses a line he doesn't want to cross anymore. It will never be fair for you. Selfish .

There's a small silence before your angelic voice quips again, “Thanks Javier Peña. And busy with school-and you? How's everything?” His name, so smooth from your lips. How did he get this bad for you, how did this happen. Javier feels sick for a second, say it again. He thinks but logic precedes him, be normal. He draws his cigarette again, fearing you’d yell at him over the phone (although he would kind of like that) for picking up on such a habit. He hums remembering the times you would put him in his place, “Hmm.”

“Started officially working, all the other cops speak spanish which is nice. There’s a cop bar just a few blocks from my house, we hang there.”

“and your girl?”

Selfish, nosy, like him. If you were in his shoes, he’d ask the same question. Javier would want to know every detail of your relationship just so he could find something to be upset about.

Javier scans the room devoid of Lorraine, they weren't good. How could they be?

“Hm. We’re good, she’s staying with a friend tonight at her dorm. Just in very different places right now-she’s in that college mood and i’m just work and sleep. She gets real mad at me-“ Javi stops himself then sighs, a shaking breath escaping as he realizes he's crossing another line. “M’sorry, not supposed to talk to you about these things.”

You sigh and he can imagine the crease of concern between your brows, he’d pass a thumb over it and smooth it over if he could. Another thought that shocks him.

“It’s okay, you planning on coming home anytime soon?”

“Uh-not sure. Would love to come down for your birthday but this law and order shit is real rigorous, thinking i’ll just send you some birthday money over there”

A classic bratty scoff sears through the static, “Don’t do that.”

Javi rolls his eyes, missing you so bad. “Told you to take care of yourself before I left-are you, querid-” Javier fills himself up with unnecessary panic as he nearly calls you the name he reserved just for you, the name he called you before- “Um-aren’t you… taking care of yourself? Avoiding Daniel and whatnot.”

“I am. Funny how you left and suddenly I have no more boy troubles.”

Javier is breathless and reminded of your face. Not the smiling one he saw almost every day but the one blotchy with red marks of tears when he so selfishly asked you that question, how your chin quivered at him. The cigarette dying in his hand, vinyl record needing to be turned, “I’m sorry, i’ll keep apologizing-”

“Javier-”

“No, I'll keep apologizing until you believe it, I'm sorry for putting you in that position. It was unfair." Javier's eyes fall to his lap, feeling like it was you sitting across from him with that red and whining face he left you with.

But the door opens and reality sets, and he says his goodbyes to you abruptly.

Cutting off your small bye and he decides it isn't fair. He was done being selfish.

Train. It doesn't matter of his body fucking hurts, train he let everyone go for this, he pushes himself.

He sleeps four hours a night and works the rest of the day, meals meticulously planned to keep him in check. Turns down a beer, only one habit at a time, he’ll smoke in the bar instead.

He calls, only his father, twice a week. He stops asking for you-not because he means to but because worrying about you would kill the routine-it would kill the numbing cycle. He keeps a space in bed for Lorraine and maybe they would fuck if he found the energy. When she wakes for class he’s already gone, at his desk, wondering if this whole DEA shit is worth it-if it’s promised.

If Javier finds time, if his estranged partner finds the will, they will talk about breaking up. Both thinking its the best but Javier’s concern for her well-being-considering that he provides for her-ends up overruling. You're right, but once I get my residency then… well then we can figure it out.

Javier wonders when will they assign him, fuck he had turned 21 three years ago and from the research and tabling he’s done, they all knew that Escobar was reigning hell in Colombia. When Javier asks with a hand on his hip, his superior says they are still weighing the risks, “We send you out there and you get killed, fuck, 23 year old southern boy American boy killed by narcos, the optics of it all”

Javier bites back the urge to tell his gringo boss that the story would be flipped into a discussion of his citizenship before he hit American soil for burial. But he doesn't, he just nods and almost responds before the boss speaks again, “But, we are working on arrangements to send you out there… safely.”

Technically, Javier and Lorraine had been separated for 3 years by 1986. They lived together, and promised not to sleep with others since raw sex was all they enjoyed. Javier still provided, not because Lorraine couldn't but because at that point he was making too much money for his own good. He sent money back home monthly, fighting the urge to maybe send you something, that would be weird, he hadn't even heard your voice since you were sixteen.

Fuck, you were what? 21 turning 22?

Javier knew general things about your life the past few years. He knew your mom got engaged, Melissa head over heels for a white guy named James. Javier knew that Frankie and Genie were engaged as well, living on their own with two successful salons. He heard that you got a boyfriend, that was news for Javier. News from Lorraine this time, over take out on a rare night where Javier laughed in the presence of her. His chest caving in a jealous fit that he thought he had gotten rid of long ago, something in his chest chipping away. Right then he decided that he couldn't go back if it meant seeing you with someone else.

And imagine his surprise when Lorraine says the boy's name was Xavier. So he knew about you and Xavier. He also knew you attended UMiami, smart girl. Knew you were farther from him now, that comforted him a bit. Knowing that you did well for yourself, that you were experiencing something outside the torment that is being home.

He remembered you joking that your mother hadn't ever wanted a daughter, it stayed with Javi, every time he looked at you he thought of you feeling like you weren't a good enough daughter.

Javier knew that you probably hated him. You could ring her but she probably won't pick up. It was Genie who said that to Javi on Christmas over the phone. Javier had your new number the three years you attended school in Miami but was ultimately too distracted and scared to call you.

In January of 1986, a few days before your birthday, Lorraine was given a residency match at a children's hospital 30 minutes north of their apartment. I found an apartment, I was just wondering if you could be a reference.

And that's how they broke up. Not an arm flailing argument like they had twice a month, the relationship died with grace, Javier hadn't seen that coming. Javier told her he was proud and that he would always be around to help her. She was to move out by May.

In February Javier goes home.

Well, he drives home for a day, has dinner with his father and drives back in the morning without running into anyone from his past. Javier’s eyes burned for almost a second when his eyes fell on a picture of you in a cap and gown on the wall next to his own police academy picture from 1981. Your smile is bright like always, with a soft curve of your lips with your long hair tucked behind your ear.

Ears large, you hated your ears, Javier thought they were cute. Was that a nose ring? Melissa must have fainted at the sight. Javier packed and exited at 8 am to head back to Houston. Fuck all of that. The image burned in his head anyway and he shut his radio off when Juan Gabriel blared through the speakers. Fuck— that.

Javier returns home after his day trip to Lorraine half packing the heading out to her friends house. Javier returns to work, training, tiring, stretching, writing, printing and thanking god he doesn't go on patrol anymore. God he never felt like less of a hero when his first work assignment was watching his patrol partner asking homeless folk to move their tents. He thinks of that moment and thanks god he was working on detailing and research for the DEA instead.

In April Javier walks into his office with a loud yell and confetti in his face. He flinches then grins at all of his colleagues dressed in cowboy hats-mocking him as his nickname around the building was Vaquero , the big city Texans found Javier's tight pants and belt buckles amusing. Unsure of the occasion or if he was the right person for this party his deskmate Felipe shakes his shoulders, “You're going to Colombia.”

Javier scoffs in disbelief as he's surrounded by music and hugs and congratulations with a few “you’re making history fucker.” Youngest guy they're sending out to Medellín. Javier learns that day that it was his last week in Houston before he gets a six month break before he starts his first day the embassy in October.

Polaroid pictures and cheek kisses from the desk women who Javier had unintentionally flirted with throughout the years, Javier’s work finally paid off.

His boss, Townes, poured him a drink and handed him a pile of mail. Javier was bad at collecting from his mailbox. Townes laughs at Javier's shocked expression, it sure did pile on. The entire office was in fits of conversations and dances. Javier made note of how close his deskmate Felipe is to the front receptionist Gina. He fucking knew it, her face bright red when Felipe would walk in and place a light tap on her desk. Javier narrowed his eyes at him while he obviously bit back a smile when they walked to their own desks. Felipe had a hand flat on her back.

Townes cleared his throat. “Opened this thinking it was mine, you should really head to that man. Seems like you're missed in Laredo.” He grips Javier's leather shoulder. Javier frowns and stares at the ripped envelope before digging his own fingers to fish out the card. Javier’s eyes bounced between letters, as they circled in his head quickly and with panic. He felt his superior smile from behind him, probably proud with his mini retirement suggestion. Javi traced his finger at the bump out lettering.

You are invited to Genie and Frankie’s Wedding 6-20-1986

Javier gave a thinned lipped smile to his boss, it was time for Javier to come home, he knew it for a while, but he was sure of it now.

Javier dusted his desk off with a shaky finger, his father at the doorway watching his every move. Rubbing his fingers together and flicking the collection away. The slightest frown on his lips, regret piling in his throat. He hadn’t gone home in so long. He could feel his fathers eyes burn on him as he watched the room he grew up in turn into a place of visitation, vacation, no longer his home.

His bed made, the childlike posters staring back at him and the teddy bear Lorraine had given him on valentine's day during their first year. Javier walks over to pick it up and inspect the thing. Feeling it’s fluffiness being a bit matted with age. Javier then looks at the picture of him and Lorraine on his night stand. Seeing his old smile and lighter brown hair. What an idiot he had been to shave his mustache that was itching to come in back then.

He knew he had changed a lot. Taller, slimmer, more lines when he smiled, hair curling at his neck and a mustache that wasn’t needed to prove he was a man but a thick one nonetheless-made him look unrecognizable.

His bear still in hand he hears his dad step slightly closer, “She’ll come around papa.” Javier’s eyes drop at the sentiment. Javier hadn’t really specified why they broke up-Javier never really told Chucho anything about Lorraine unless it was positive. He didn’t want to complain about her, he promised himself he wouldn’t be that sort of boyfriend or ex. Chucho had only ever been with Javier's mother but he respected her enough to relay that piece of advice to never speak down on your partner, even if they were an ex. You dated them for a reason, those reasons don't disappear when you split .

He hums an agreement although he knew there was no coming around, they had been over since 1981.

The dust can be seen in the sunlight from his window. Circling and never falling. He had been home just for one day 4 months prior, and he hadn’t stepped into his room. He hadn’t even left his childhood home, he just stayed in the living room with his dad, silently watching tv as if this was normal, him being around, like that was normal. As if his dad didn’t have to face sending his only child away to a new dangerous career venture. Javier also knew you weren’t home then, not like he’d dare to stop and say hello after writing you off for so many years. His stomach flips at the thought of seeing you now.

The heavy hurt he just knew he instilled in you, would you slap him when you run into each other? No, not Andrea. You would never put your hands on him. Would you be so surprised to see him that you’d forget his absence? Would you smile out of instinct or frown in realization?

He hadn’t seen a picture of you since you were a senior in high school, it’s been three years since then. Did you have an apartment in Florida or do you still dorm-would you even have to stay all summer or could you just stop by your brothers wedding and settle back into your home so far away. You had mirrored him but decided to make it a competition. Your thousand miles and his three hundred.

Somehow he was able to tuck away the thought of you, for those first two years in Houston the thought of you not being okay consumed him. Lorraine had come home with takeout laughing about some chisme she heard from her friend in Laredo about you getting caught piss drunk on top of some guy in a bathroom. That led to an argument, Javier asking Lorraine to quit gossiping, which then developed into a screaming match about you and Javier’s obsession. Javier just asked her to table any conversation involving you, that he rather not know. So he pushed the thought of you and everything that came with the wallet image he tossed away with a heavy heart.

Pinching the bridge of his nose when he would receive unsolicited updates about your life from your brother or Chucho. This would be far easier if people didn't adore you the way they did.

He remembers when Chucho called him that July after helping you pack up your room. If he had stayed, god he couldn’t bear it be you leaving. That was the first time he was glad he had left first. “Javi.” Chuchos voice brought him back to earth, back to Laredo.

Eyebrows shooting up Javier turns to face his dad, “Yeah?”

A look of sympathy crosses over the wrinkles on his face, “Today is Tito’s 13th birthday.” His dad frowns, knowing what he was about to ask. Javier was stuck for a bit, confused at the sudden statement. Then more floored by his little cousin turning 13 when he was only 7 the last time he had been home. “Everyone is expecting you.”

Javier feels a bubble growing in his chest at the thought of curious eyes and awkward hugs. “Who is everyone?” A hand falls to his hip, he knows. Everyone is everyone, there’s no damn party in this town without at least a hundred people walking out drunk regardless of the age of the birthday boy.

Chucho chuckles and tips his hat at him before leaving Javier in his old room.

Despite Javier’s protests and complaints of being tired he’s dressed in a flannel and patting his pockets for his pack of cigarettes. Rehearsing in his head how to answer stupid and overbearing questions. Closing his eyes at the thought of getting a lot of Lorraine heavy questions. Thank god for the cigarettes in his pocket.

Javi was a passenger for the first time in a long time as his father drove them down to the venue and it’s like the second coming of Jesus when a 23 year old Javier walks through the doors.

Chatters in Spanish about how he’s grown, cheek pinches, kisses a bit too close to his mouth from girls from school that he doesn’t remember. Alejandra, according to her, Javier’s first girlfriend. “Tengo que decirle a la gente que mi primer novio fue un agente de la DEA.” She grins and kisses his cheek again, Javier’s nose scrunching.

After the small encounter Javier he sees the same little face on an elongated body. Little Tito, tall giving a sheepish teenage hug as another girl his age hangs behind him. Javier has a knowing smile remembering having a girl - friend at 13. “You’ve gotten so tall, who’s this?” Javier tuts his chin at the young girl whose face lights up in a blush, her eyes shifting everywhere but on Javier. Tito laughs in the only way a crushing pre-teen could.

A brace-face smile, “Oh, my friend Adriana.” The girl smiles at the introduction, hands behind her back shyly. Javier raises his brows at his little cousin, and gives an approving frown. Familiar name. A mirror of his own childhood with you. Javier leans down to whisper in the birthday boy's ear.

“Be nice to her, keep up the Peña reputation.” He advises, a firm squeeze on his bony shoulder before waving the two of them away to go back with the kids of their age. Standing straight Javier rubs his jaw and straightens up his going out top. Scanning the room for his dad who had parted the second he was swarmed. The same local mariachi band performing at the blue and red themed birthday party.

Instead his eyes fall on a woman with blonde hair tied in a neat bun, thick brown brows and an aging smile that shrinks at the sight of him. Mrs. Smithfield in all her southern-belle glory staring at Javier with conviction. Javier blinks a few times before attempting to wave before she turns her back to him and walking away. A nervous shaking breath is exhaled from Javier’s lips, he regrets coming home.

In the midst of Javier’s growing panic a slender hand grabs his shoulder and his knees weaken before he turns at the possibility of it being you. Instead, it’s your mother, your face on hers with more age and a stoic smile-you must’ve gotten your gleam from your father-he’d never know. Javier’s heart races at the sight, just your mom, after years. A few wrinkles included but still beautiful-still graceful and articulate. Hair moussed in curly scrunches, the smell filling the entire space, a long floral dress and a rosary flat against her chest. She grabs at Javier’s face and he looks away in embarrassment. “Javi! My goodness, didn’t know you could grow facial hair.” Her hand cupping his chin and manhandling his face like he was still fourteen. Her thumb brushing on the outer corners of his mustache. Javier chuckles and just allows her to examine him-“was so worried the academy would turn you useless and old, not even being a cop could break those Peña genes. Que chulo.” She jokes before slapping his shoulder, she loved thy neighbor, you know, unless they were cops. Javier nods a yeah, yeah.

His chest rising and falling as the possibility of you being here increases by a million. His eyes dart around the woman in front of him but fall back on Mrs.Diaz just as quick. “How's everything?”

“Oh please, Javier, how are you? The DEA? That I could at least respect you know, is the salary good-it better-sending you to a war zone, I pray for you papa.” She looks over his shoulder for a second, then tightens her grip on his bicep. “My god-Frankie is going to freak out when he realizes you're stronger than him, he’s here!” Javier lets out a chuckle fueled by nerves at the thought of seeing your brother. Your mom had a new glow, one quite foreign to Javier. He remembers Melissa as just a nice lady, nothing more, nothing this enthusiastic.

“Well, he’ll be even more angry when he sees that my mustache is better than his Ms. Diaz.” Javier jokes with a light squeeze to her arm. Her brows furrow and then settle in realization.

“Mrs.Warden now Peña” She corrects. Javier is struck with even more confusion, forgetting she was engaged. “I married Mr. Warden, you know the middle school teacher?” She gleams as Javier’s face spreads in a smile, ah, right, Ms. Diaz got laid. Javier hugs his best friend's mom while uttering congrats and prying information out of her to take some of the heat off of him. She quips, smiling with every detail before waving him off to the table where he spots a grown man who is apparently Frankie.

Frankie unknowingly dug into his food while Javier stalked the table to wrap his arm around his best friends neck. Frankies arms flail to grip Javier’s hold as Genie squeaks at the sight of Javi. “What the fuck-” Frankie groans through coughs as he slaps Javier’s hold. Javier loosens and kisses the cheek of Frankie who is still disoriented as his Fiancee giggles at his side. “Didn’t tell me your mom was taken, I was finally going to make my move.”

Frankies eyes finally widen and he turns to fully see Javier’s face before letting out a little girl shriek before wrapping his arms around him, a hold Javier didn't know he missed this much. “You sick fuck, what the fuck?” Frankie laughs, gripping the shoulders of Javi to examine all the changes that six years create before giving a disapproving frown. Javier’s eyes almost look shut as the wide grin on his face ceases to shrink, “Your mustache isn't as good as mine though.” He comments, Javier’s smile dropping jokingly before pulling him in again.

Genie sneaks in and Javier lifts her with his hold, kisses littering her cheek, he didn't expect himself to feel this affectionate but here he was. God, they were getting married. 8 years together, Javier wanted to ask how? How do you make that work, how did they do it so effortlessly. Maybe he should have asked for more advice, they had been doing something right, maybe Lorraine wouldn't be away although maybe the advice would lead him to stay with her.

By the grace of god, Genie and Frankie seemed to be too distracted by Javier’s new career venture to even utter her name. They knew, Javier also knew that they knew. He wouldn't come home for vacation without her you know unless… unless they were split up. Like always, Genie didn't hold back on the pig jokes. Discovering Frankie proposed on the beach when they went to Puerto Rico last May and how it's going to be a large backyard wedding-completely planned by Melissa and You. Javier couldn't help but let his brows shoot at the mention of your name, your name uttered out loud and not through static on a phone. Genie knowingly bites back a smile at his obvious attempt to micro manage his facial expressions as Frankie goes into detail about your skills in flower arrangements. How you cussed so loud when a rose thorn dug in your finger that your mama let the kitchen to hit you with a pillow as you dramatically cried at the cut, she just always been a crybaby, Frankie shook his head.

Javier wondered if your thumb felt better.

With Genie observing Javi she answers the question that has made its course around his head since they arrived, “Andrea is somewhere around her, surprised you didn't bump into her already. She’s hard to miss.” She chuckles before peering around the table to spot her. Javier holds himself together at the news. You were in this room, he knew he’d see you here so why was it that he feel the tension between his shoulder blades burn hot and glowy. Micro manage. Javier just nods. In his most lax way he asks what she meant by hard to miss.

Frankie chuckles loudly at the thought of you scurrying around the party. You really had developed that maternal look as you followed the small steps of the new walker, trying to figure out how a one year old could be so fast, your hands out as you chased the stinker. “She’s got the baby with her.”

And to hell with micro-managing because Javier gives himself the sickest case of whiplash at the statement.

No way. Dad would have told him. This is some sick prank.

Javier's eyes snap to the stroller next to the empty seat just left of Genie and Javier feels his entire soul sink. No. “What, what do you mean?” Javier leans into the table, already visibly stressed at the thought, his mounted arm moving to stroke the hair below his nose. Frankie and Genie both glanced at each other and then back at Javier before bursting in fits of laughter. Javier blinked quickly, his leather clad shoulders dropping with air filling his lungs. Those fuckers. Genie found it hilarious, her head falling back holding her stomach and heaving while Frankies laugh deepened at the sight of his fiancee in a fit of laughs. How cute was the sight, Javier was sick. Javier kept his unamused trained eye on the couple as heels approached the table.

“Marisol fell asleep, could you watch her?”

Your voice burns in Javier's brain and he lifts his bowed head up at your approaching body, and your eyes widen in sync with his. He stares up at you as you crowd the table in a white turtleneck and long skirt as a baby girl has her face smushed in silent snores against your chest, you hair brown but honeyed. The maternal sight makes Javier dizzy. His chest falls for a moment, and you don't smile at him, you're just as shocked. Frankie chuckles and removes the chubby baby from you. You looked like you but far more grown, filling out your shirt, your eyebrows thinner and your hair in that layered look you used to have to make you look older. A proper beautiful woman, Javier wants to jump to his feet and hug you like he did your brother but his mouth is dry as is yours. “Javier, Hi.” You whisper while making Javier's chest ache at your softness, your voice and the fact that you hadn't used his nickname. You sit, patting your black skirt down as you give confused looks to your brother and in law, why didn't you warn me face. Javier licks his lips and stupidly all he can think to do is hold out his hand for you to grab and shake.

Your lips quirk at the gesture and you touch him anyway, your hand dwarfed by his. Get it together Javier. “Hi Andrea, your brother was just trying to kill me, saying that baby was yours almost-”

“She is mine.” You stare at him blankly and Javier’s eyes grow in size, and his cheeks heating before a real smile grazes your face. Javier feels privileged to see you smile again, smile at him, to see how despite having a wide smile, your lips never fade when you gleam. A nose stud. “Mi hermanita.” You confirm, trying to keep your own cool. You could feel Javier's body heat, the smell of him, his knee so close to your own.

You wanted to push him, kiss him, hug him, cry and tell him how much you missed him or tell him what you’ve been through. But all you could do is offer him small talk while he stares at you with his puppy dog eyes wondering where’d all the time go?

You're given a minute to breathe as Frankie pulls Javier's stare away from you as he explains the timeline of your mother meeting James, getting eloped and having a baby. Javier is shaking his head in shock the entire time, you watch the back of his head. His hair long again, folding at the neck with sideburns chopped and perfect. And a mustache, you didn't expect that. You didn't expect… well… you were immediately smitten with what he had grown to look like. So manly and broad, and hairy and large. You almost forgot how deeply hurt you were by him. Not one call. Looking down at your white top as a small stain from the drool of your baby sister's mouth darkened. Wiping your hand across your breast.

Javier’s eyes snap discreetly at your breasts and its movement when you wipe.

Get it together Javier.

You didn't notice but ultimately gave up on the damn thing just to find Javier staring at you as Genie and Frankie crowd the stroller watching the infant stir in her sleep. You raise and eyebrow at the boy you still want, “What?” You narrow your eyes at him, and his lips stutter into a warm frown half hidden by the hair. You wanted to grab his face, feel his skin on your palm and hold.

“I feel like I deserve to be slapped by you.” He states plainly.

Your face is stone cold, as you contemplate the offer but despite all the animosity you felt, you'd never put your hands on him, only if he asked and allowed you to kiss it better. You shake your head, Javier is really here. Your eyes leave his and scan the busy party. Seeing your mom serve a young child food. Eyes falling back to Frankie and Genie giggling off about something, not paying any mind to Javier’s burning gaze. “I feel like we should go talk outside” you spit, still being able to hold out any self control as he nods.

Shoulder to shoulder with Javier again in the middle of a rare may breeze, looking up at the rare clear sky, it rained all week. Suddenly sunny and silent. The whole party stared at the two of you as you walked out of the building. Your mother nodding to you, James giggling to himself like the hard-ass he is. Feeling his shoulders rise and fall as you stood in silence.

"I'm sorry-"

“Shut up Javi, please.” Your hand comes up to your hair, running it through. Side by side you can't see his face but you do feel his body sink for a moment. It was the please that did it for him, he knew you, even after all these years. He knew a please out of you, a plea to him wasn't in your ranks. Javier did shut up though he wanted to hold your face and say i’m sorry, I’m sorry, so sorry. But you can't have any of that, you have control this time. You have control of your circumstances and you could push him, you could tell him he was a heartbreak you've been incapable of recovering from and you sure as hell could tell him that you hate him. You could also kiss him and leave him confused and aching to touch you and then you could leave. Go back to Miami, cut contact and live a life privately. Make him feel how you felt, how you’ve felt for six fucking years.

No.

You look to him and his eyes are peeled to the lot of cars in front of you, he feels you stare, burn, you burn him with the gaze. You thin your lips and hug your arms under your breasts, hugging your body. “ When do you leave?” You state more than ask.

His lips part and his head turns to you, looking into your eyes. That, he loved that. He loved how dark your eyes were, so dark that any light in your way makes them doe and animated, he hated to notice, but he fucking aches over the way your brows fold and bend with a line of stress when you look to him. “November.” He answered you, his eyes flitting to your lips, Javier couldn't help it, he found you so sexy back then when you forced answers out of him. God forbid you do it now, after so many years, after you've grown into that. Full, womanly, softer, prettier and meaner. Well, he had no right to assume you had gotten meaner but sixteen year old Andrea would have jumped into Javier's lap even if he had left you in that way. You had grown, meaner, if it was true he’d want it all. You quirk an approving frown before peeling away. Look back at me.

“Do you really want to leave this time, and don’t bullshit me I don’t deserve any of that.”

Tan Brava.

Javier smiles to himself but bites it away feeling that if you had caught him you’d click away in those little heels. He circles the question in his head and shrugs, “It’s work and the pay is handsome, close to a hundred.” He doesn't know why he admits that so quickly to you but you gasp, clutching at your stomach and you laugh. He needs a cig. The mere sight of you smiling so close to him is sending him over the edge.

“Jesus fucking-sorry, just my starting salary is a fraction I-just shocked I’m sorry.” You exhale and Javier cant take it he’s patting at his pocket to fish out his killing carton. Your eyes watching his deft hands, veiny, you trap that image in that corner of your sick head. The stick falling between his large hands and up to his lips, your eyes follow it all. Your nose scrunching in disgust when he flattens his lips and covers his light. He side-eyes you in confusion.

“What?” He mutters, stunted by the cigarette at the corner of his mouth. Your face continues to twist in disgust.

Shaking your head and crossing your arms, “You’re nasty Javier.” Continuing to shake your head as the sweet teen boy you had in your head dies when you watch the grown man in front of you, do something so adult , feed into an addiction. How cliche.

He laughs, “Never seen someone smoke a cigarette before?”

You deadpan as you fight the urge to reach to pull the stick from his lips and stomp it. “Put it out.”

“Why?”

You narrow your eyes, “Put. It. Out.”

Smoke leaves the corner of his mouth, “Why, tell me.”

“You should be taking care of yourself, it's bad for you.”

You admit a bit too much and he's grinning like a fool and removing the cigarette from his upturned lips. He flicks the bud onto the floor and stomps it. Now it's you biting a smile at him listening to your request. You whisper, “Thank you.”

That has Javier looking at you with a dimple deep eyes shut grin, “Anything, Andrea, for you.” He mocks and you narrow your eyes. You want to pounce him in every sense of the word. You want to get on him and yell at him for making this so hard, you want to grab the back of his stupid head lick into his mouth until he’s begging you to give him anything, you knew he’d beg you. You also wanted to li ke actually pounce him , with the intention to wound. But the second form spoke the loudest when he licks his lips at your annoyance.

“Light another.”

“What?”

“Light another so I can use you as an ashtray.”

You're joking but Javier feels his pants tighten at your demand, for a moment he was willing to let you burn him, he’d been a dick and deserved it. With his hands at his side as he looks at you he thinks about how easy it would be to just kiss you. With a sly scoff and a head shake Javier plays it off, “Jesus, you seem stressed, would you like one?” He edges, reaching for his pockets and you swat him on his arm. You had to hold out.

“Oh, so you smoke because you're stressed?”

“Yes.”

“About what?” The air shifts with your light hearted question, you hear the music from inside change to something loud and eclectic, you could hear people scurrying to dance. You usually would wish you were inside but now you were extremely interested in what your ex-best friend is so stressed about that he decides to fill his pores with the smell of smoke. He quirks a brow at you, like you just asked if birds fly, checking if you were serious about the question before whisper a fuck it.

“Well, first of all, I haven't seen anyone in years and when I showed up in here they were treating me like a fucking Kennedy, asking me all these overwhelming questions about Escobar. I haven't even been to Colombia yet-then…” He looks down to the pavement and you begin to feel like shit for even asking, the way he takes a moment to breath worries you and your body twitches to hold him but decides against it. He breaths. “I see Lorraine's mom and I’m sure you know-just never worked, Houston made it worse. Whatever, her mom looks at me and turns her back, then your mom.” He laughs, still looking away. Your brows tense as you watch him in a state you've never really seen, so much insecurity and shame. Houston wasn't going to be good for him, I knew it wasn't. It circled your head for years but for selfish reasons, he won't be good because I wont be good without him, but instead he just didn't do good for himself. Your hand grazes his wrist for a moment and he doesn't move from your caress but it's fleeting so he continues with a frown and no eye contact.

“When I saw you with the baby I nearly had a heart attack by the way, and then I felt guilty because you surely could have had a kid and I just would have never known, that's been killing me. Then you pull me out here, and I get deja vu, remember the last time we were at a parking lot?” He looks up to you with a stupid smirk and your mouth drops, just when I was feeling bad for him.

You lean your body weight into him and push as he laughs and fuck it, you're smiling too, ear to ear and it feels like 1980. Your heart is pounding against your rib cage at his statement before the kiss comment, he leans back into you. Have a kid, thats funny to you. “What makes you think-jesus.” You giggle and Javi is at ease again.

“Fucked if I know- last I heard you were in a committed relationship so fuck me for thinking that maybe you had a baby.” You cringe, you knew Xavier was more than likely coming to this function, you saw his sister earlier, what a beautiful disaster it would be to have Javi and Xavi in the same room again, god forbid Javier finds out the things he would say to you. Your ex would be gone by tomorrow.

“Mmm, past tense yeah. You're not the only one who gets to make bad relationship decisions Agente.” His eyes snap to yours again at your nickname and his lips quirk to a frown after taking in your bad relationship comment. It was easier said but he wished that for you, a good relationship, it would hurt less to come home and see you happy. But you being available is making it all unbearable and the two of you have only been with each other for fifteen minutes.

You watch Javier's expression soften, how he got prettier is beyond you. His smell had changed, still sweet yet earthy, with a hint of smoke-you would never admit to him that you liked the smell. Not after you threatened him for smoking. Your eyes flick away from him as you watch the car that had just pulled up go into park with a familiar back facing you. Right in Javier's blind spot, Jesus christ. “So what I’m gathering is that you aren’t in a relationship,-”

You interrupt him with a full arm squeeze as the leather crunches under your clawed hands. His temple creasing with his confused look he gives your pleading face. Why did this always happen, horrible timing with you two. Xavier’s walk is dominating as he quickens to approach the two of you, still nothing compared to Javier-he noticed too. God, you want to kill yourself thinking about the amount of times he didn't make you come…and he was a prick and you stayed, for so long.

Javier’s nostrils flare at the realization, remembering that you ended up choosing fucking Xavier, the loser who attempted to slut shame you the first time you all met. Well, Javier left you when you had shit taste but he held hope out for you, hoped that you’d realize how good you were. Xavier is in front of the two of you with a smile and in his camo military get up. “Long time no see Javier.” He holds out his hand for Javi to shake but Javier stares at it for a few seconds. Never liked him.

He shakes it anyway and Xavier exhales with a laugh. Dork. He then looks at you with a smile, his eyes scanning over your body.

You feel your breath die in your throat at the thought of how he spoke of your body just two years ago. You gained weight in high school, god forbid . It was around thirty pounds and it hadn't bothered you, you were still healthy-you body just had began turning more womanly. Throughout the entire relationship he found some way to slyly imply that your natural body was one to be ashamed of. And you lost the weight when you split up, not purposefully but because the dining hall food was putrid. So the gaze of your ex makes your stomach flip and Javier notices your change in body language. He crosses his arms and puffs his chest slightly but he doesn't need to; he already towers Xavier, “Yeah man, what is it that you do now?” he asks tauntingly.

Xavier smiles and points to his military cap, “I’m back on base in Cali in a few months…” His green eyes move to your rigid stance with a small smile that makes Javier’s blood boil. “Guess you've always liked men in uniform DeeDee,” While he gives you whiplash with the horrendous nickname he gave you back in the day, he wags his finger between you and Javier.

Javier’s eyes narrow at the boy and shakes his head, asshole , he mutters and Xavier doesn't catch on as his perverted eyes drag down your frame again, “I’ve got to get inside but I saw you leaving the gym where 7-11 used to be, you look great now, see you inside.” He grips your shoulder and is entering the party before Javier could react with attempting to get at him but he was gone.Your heart is full in worst ways, so full of disdain and hatred, feeling like an insecure seventeen year old again with his cunning ways to be an asshole towards you. Your hands fly to your face to pinch the bridge of your nose, too much all at once .

Javier’s hand is on the curve of your back in a familiar comforting hold, too much. Your eyes sting but they are shut, not today. “God, I fucking hate him so much-sorry” Javier feels your anxiety and anger burn off your skin and it makes him crazy. Just in the small interaction Javier understands what you meant about bad decisions . Javier had learned a lot in training about self control, he learned how to regulate his emotions well. It worked so well with Lorraine, the arguments stopped being explosive. But to hell with training, he didn't care the scandal it would ignite if the man of the night ran into the kids party and beat the military man bloody.

You look down at your own body and step away from Javier's hold, “um… please just tell my family I went home early.” Pull away, distance, more unsaid things, you had more to say you just cant do it not after seeing Xavier. You’d be sick by the time you get home.

Javier’s heart leaped at your distance and lack of eye contact. What happened to his smiling girl, querida. Feeling like a teen who had just been pushed away by a pretty girl, Javi stutters, “Yeah-I-I’ll tell them, just how do I”

You grip your purse and smile fakely, you’ll make sure to cry about him later. “I’ll call you tonight.” The wind pulls up and shifts your long skirt as you give Javier Peña a thin lipped smile. Javier tried not to break out in a face of relief, instead he nods you off and he watches until you safely get in your car and pull out of the lot.

Jesus christ you could drive now.

He felt like such an asshole.

#javier peña #javier peña x ofc #javier pena fanfiction #javier pena x you #javier peña smut #ao3 #fanfic #javier peña narcos #javier pena x reader

36 notes · View notes