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hansolmates · 4 years

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jjk; off-league

summary; you decide to do a little boudoir photoshoot for yourself—a little sexy lingerie, some bunny ears, maybe even a little nudity to make you feel more body positive about yourself. that little photoshoot doesn’t end up being for yourself anymore when you accidentally send those sexy pictures to your stupidly hot, stupidly talented childhood friend who you haven’t spoken to since middle school graduation. pairing; photographer!jk x fem!reader genre/warnings; childhood friends to lovers!au, flangst, mutual pining, feelings of insecurity and body image, suggestive language, nudity w.c; 6.2k a/n: i was feeling a lil meh about this fic after finishing it but a month later it finally makes its debut! for @btsghostiewritersnet BGW Bingo Bash! today’s trope is “childhood friends to lovers” which surprisingly isn’t a favorite of mine so it was definitely a challenge to write!

“C’mon, I need your opinion. Deadass. Don’t just say shit to make me feel better.”

“Gimmie those nudes, baby girl,” Johnny makes an impeccable fuckboy impersonation, making you feel a little squirmy to your stomach.

It’s an hour away from being the ass-crack’o-dawn and your impromptu pin-up photoshoot just needs the sexy-star-of-approval from your best friend. Johnny Suh is also up for reasons unmentioned, but you had a feeling his pretty boyfriend is fifty percent of the reason.

You look at yourself in the mirror, smoothing your frame against the black bodice of the sheer teddy. The only parts that are fully concealed are the parts that don’t matter. The sheer bodice reveals your pert nipples concealed by a thin black mesh, coupled with the deep V in the sweetheart neckline, accented by a little black bow in the dive of your highlighted cleavage. The silky a-line raceways to a set of black garters hugging your thighs, barely hanging onto a pair of lace thigh-highs.

It doesn’t leave you butt naked, but enough to make you feel confident about yourself. These pictures are for you, and Johnny. And Johnny’s boyfriend if he’s being nosy.

You tug off the silk bunny ears from your head, flinging it somewhere in your room. The wire started to dig in your brain, giving you a major headache.

“Sending them now,” you hang up and start compiling the pictures in a folder on Google Drive. Once that’s done you copy the shareable link, sending it to Johnny’s number. It happens all so fast, and you feel kind of giddy. As you were posing for the camera, taking your time to find all the right angles, you felt good, you felt sexy in your little get up. Channeling your inner Ariana Grande was one of your childhood dreams, your fifteen year old self would be proud.

Five minutes pass, fifteen, and by the twenty-five minute mark you’re pissed. What’s taking Johnny so long?

Makeup scrubbed clean and face bare, you shuffle in your duvet, far too tired to be waiting up this long. Punching in his number once more, you cry, “Hey! Why haven’t you looked at them yet?”

“What?” your friend’s voice sounds pebbly through the line. Was Johnny sleeping? “You never sent them!” he whines tiredly.

“No, I definitely sent them!” you pull the phone away and keep Johnny on call, ready to prove him wrong.

But to your surprise, the last message you sent to Johnny was this afternoon.

The most recent message is to a person named John Kook.

You scream.

Johnny screams back at you with an equal amount of force, “What the fuck? Did someone break in? Are you being mobbed? See, this is why I wanted to put the baby monitor in your room—”

“Worse!” you’re well prepared for any break in, but not for this. “I sent my pics to the wrong John!”

“Well… is he at least cute?”

“I mean, in the fourth grade he looked pretty cute with that front tooth missing,” you find your output of frustration, your bunny plush, pulling it by the ear and hitting it against the bed. “His name isn’t even John! It was just his English name for a silly project we did in middle school. This is so embarrassing, all I can picture is a twelve-year-old Jungkook mortified from sexual harassment. I basically sent him nudes!”

“Tasteful nudes.”

“I’m gonna die.”

“He’s gonna die, of happiness.”

Jeon Jungkook was a classmate from elementary through middle school. Time and time again was he the object of your affections, from the first grade at the roller rink to the speech he made at graduation. But really, who cares? You’re old and have a job, and it’s not like you’ve communicated with any of your former classmates.

Your horror amplifies when the Delivered receipt is changed to Read 3:41AM.

“Fuck! Fuck me with a fuckin’ fuck nugget he saw it!” you cry, “does he still have my number? What if he deleted my contact, would that be even weirder?”

“Girl, stop.” Johnny sighs, and you can already picture him running his thumb between his brows. “This doesn’t change anything, alright? You two don’t know each other anymore. Block his number and go to sleep.”

Johnny leaves you alone after that, and you’re left alone to mull over the implications of sending Jeon Jungkook your nude photoshoot.

You do block his number, knowing that waiting for a reply would drive you nuts. The one thing that you do which is possibly worse, is look him up on Instagram.

Of course, he’s stupid hot.

He doesn’t seem to like being on the receiving end of the camera however, in favor of his timeline being filled with romantic shots of the beach and city. In between the picturesque views and watercolor sunsets do you see glimpses of him and his current life. You can’t help but smile when you see him with his brother and parents during his college graduation, easily towering over all of them. He looks tall with fluffy cocoa hair, big pearly whites gleaming proudly at the camera. He grew up well.

To torture yourself even more, you even look through his story. Twelve hours ago, he was at the gym lifting weights. Normally, you’d be disgusted by people trying to show off their grunt faces drenched in sweat, but of course Jungkook has to have on a silly smile and pump his fist up after he deadlifts. The sweat clinging to his shirt is also a high plus. His gorgeous display of abs has your hands fluttering over your own belly. Maybe you need to exercise more.

Four hours ago, you see him and a pretty woman with their cheeks squished together, using the puppy filter. Of course he has a girlfriend.

Reluctant, you open up your Google Drive and scroll through your photoshoot. Deflated, you frown at the pictures that once made you beam with pride, picking at every little detail that bothered you. You really can’t believe you sent these to Jeon Jungkook, no longer a fourth grader with one front tooth, but a man way out of your league.

By the time you will yourself to sleep, the sun peeks from the horizon, telling you to move on.

“Hey Gyu,” you tiptoe over to the table much too small for Mingyu’s frame. The string bean is slumped over his iPad pro, drawing intently at some chibi OCs. “Got a plot for that one?” you ask, pointing at the little pink and blue creature decorating the screen.

Mingyu grunts in reply, obviously engrossed. It isn’t until you slide him a matcha frappe from Starbucks that he becomes intelligible, muttering a “thank you” as he blends with his pen.

Sensing that it’s going to be awhile before you get through to him, you take your usual rounds around the front desk and lobby of the cosy photo studio. There’s pretty pictures of Mingyu’s work, along with the other employees Minghao and Hoseok. Each section of the wall features a different taste of each person’s interest. Mingyu is a divine lover of soft bed sheets and hot tea, many of his photographs and paintings featuring cafes or perfectly messy beds you’ve seen on hotel advertisements. Minghao is a tasteful artisan, splotches of color retaliating against neutral backgrounds. Finally, Hoseok manages to find balance in the people, large cityscapes telling both large and small stories.

“Alright,” Mingyu’s deep voice forces you to curl your head, where he’s sipping at his drink with haste. “What’cha here for?”

You frown, “Don’t you remember? I told you last week I’d be stopping by to get my photos developed,” you gesture to the Pentax in your hands, an heirloom from your great-aunt. While you did take digital photos for sending them to Johnny, the ones you wanted developed were taken side-by-side with the film camera. You figured that film would give a little more authenticity to your photoshoot.

“Shit, that’s today?” the camera falls like deadweight, slapping against your sweater as you watch Mingyu frantically look through his digital calendar. He looks at you, dejected. “How many prints?”

“I don’t know, maybe like six. Or eight?”

“That’s gonna take too long, I’m heading down to Hidden Grounds for a vision meeting at two.”

“Alright, I’m free all day. What about after?”

“Nah, you came all this way. I can just let the new guy help you.” and Mingyu makes a show of cupping his hands in the direction of the open hallway, “Yah, Jeon Jungkook! Get your cute ass out here!”

The Pentax around your neck suddenly feels like weight akin to a two-ton boulder, and you surge forward, not caring that the corner of the table is digging into your belly. “Mingyu,” you garble, and Mingyu is shell-shocked by the desperation in your eyes. “Isn’t Minghao around or something? Or I can come back another time? These photos are really personal and I don’t feel comfortable having a stranger see them.”

“What? We’re professionals, don’t belittle us.”

“No, seriously,” you whine, you tug at the collar of his denim jacket, noses practically touching. “These pictures are different. My tits are out and my legs are spread—”

“—interrupting something?”

You hear some shuffling, and you turn around to see Jeon Jungkook’s back, comically turned to face the entrance.

And damn, he did have a cute ass. Nothing is going to hide the glory in those jeans, absolutely nothing.

“Hilarious,” Mingyu drawls, and you push him away. “Forget it, Kook. She doesn’t feel comfortable letting a stranger develop her photos.”

Sensing that it’s safe to turn around, you watch as his black bangs flutter as he faces you. You hope your body language doesn’t betray how you’re really feeling, because you are a mere mortal and you’re weak in the presence of god-like figures.

“Oh, what a relief then,” he smiles at you, and his voice sounds like honey. If there was malice or surprise in his tone, his good-natured expression betrays it. “Because I’ve known this friend since elementary school. We go way back.”

You ignore the burn in the back of your head, as you are positive Mingyu knows you’re hiding something.

“Really, what a coincidence.” Mingyu replies carefully, and you feel utterly stuck between these men and their banter, locked up like cream in an Oreo cookie.

Nothing argues against Jungkook as he easily weaves through the thick wave of awkwardness, hands reaching out to touch your camera. “Wow,” he marvels, holding the object in his hands, “my dad has one of these.”

“A-ha,” you take a step back, only to bump into the corner of the table, again. Ouch. “It’s okay, Jungkook. I’m actually busy today so I can come when Mingyu’s free–”

“Oh, I thought you were free all day,” Mingyu drawls, looking up through his lashes as he sips languidly at his drink.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jungkook says good-naturedly, as if Mingyu just didn’t out you. “We got a lot of catching up to do anyway, c’mon.”

Jungkook moves to place a hand in the small of your back and that’s enough to get you to rev up. Refusing to let any contact get between the two of you, you zip ahead down the familiar hallway, turning your head to catch Mingyu grinning with all canines, shooing you with his fingers like a puppy.

You send Mingyu a stream of “fuck yous” into his inbox for later, unwilling to settle with this curse. Busying yourself with your phone, you avoid eye contact with Jungkook until you reach the dark room. The red light turned off at the top of the doorhenge signals that the room is not in use. Jungkook makes a move to open the door and that’s when you pounce, blocking the doorway with your small body. It’s comical, really.

Jungkook raises a brow at you, but says nothing.

“I really can wait, Jungkook,” you steel yourself, forcing a sympathetic smile. “I’m sure your girlfriend wouldn’t like you developing my pictures—”

It’s then that his pretty cupid’s bow unfurls into a full-fledged grin. “Girlfriend... you’ve been keeping tabs on me?”

“Fuck, well I had to!” your face is as red as the dark room’s alert light, now on because Jungkook flicked the switch and he’s between your arm to unlock the door. Your hand brushes his as you both reach the knob. “I’m really really sorry I sent those pictures. They were for Johnny—you remember Johnny Suh from English class? And I saved you in my contacts as “John Kook” so it was an honest mess up.”

Jungkook hums, so light that the breathiness in his chords flutters your grip on the knob. He forces the door ajar, and you’re left to follow him in the dark room, cluttered with solutions and fancy equipment.

“Thought so,” Jungkook shrugged, giving a one-over at the materials in the room, mulling over his next steps in developing your film.

You’re still petrified at the doorway, holding your Pentax between both hands like a lifeline. Jungkook’s head lols to you, and you get a pretty view of the way his bangs brush over his forehead, Adam’s Apple bobbing. His expression is a little tired, but overall unreadable. He sighs your name, lethargic.

“We’re already here, so might as well get this done,” he gestures to the camera in your vice grip. “Do you wanna pick the shots or do you want me to?”

He’s already seen the digitals, what’s so different about getting a couple prints? With a slight pout you drag your feet over to him, relinquishing your camera. “I’m thinking you have a better eye for this than I do.”

“You think right.”

You fight the urge to roll your eyes. Cocky, but what you’ve seen on Instagram definitely justifies his sentiment. Jungkook pays no mind to you, busying his hands with the various containers in front of him, measuring the solutions for the developer, stopper, and fixer. You were always entranced by the process of developing film, especially in highschool where their photography club holed themselves in the darkroom like a secret lair.

“Alright,” he pops open the canister, carefully laying out sections of the film in groups of four. “Want me to pick a random one for a tester?”

You frown, “At least put some thought into it.”

“Always,” it looks like he already decided way before he popped the question, immediately taking a negative and placing it in the carrier.

His fingers are nimble as he takes the time to clean off the dust and any debris that could potentially ruin the image. Then he turns off the lights and begins the process. You dive around him, trying to keep your distance but still too curious to leave his side. If he’s annoyed he fails to show it, in favor of humming whatever song comes from his Echo Dot.

You always got the solos in choir. You wanted to reminisce, but you’re too nervous to say it out loud.

Even though it’s his job and he’s being a professional, you romanticize the experience, watching as he carefully puts the print in each liquid process. Your image blooms to life, and you feel your stomach churn as the photo develops before your eyes.

After a final dip in the solution stopper, he places the first product in a bath of water. Even though you are mere centimeters away, you can clearly see the image of you swimming around the container.

“Alright!” Jungkook hangs the finished picture on a pastel pink clothespin, tacking it in place. “Whaddya think?”

Your breath catches in your throat, feeling heavy as you look at the image of you reflected in the glossy paper. You’re perched on your bed, a hand splaying between your legs as the other hand toys with the silk bunny ears. You’re leaned slightly, giving an ample view of your cleavage. However, the image of you is definitely different from being blown up in comparison to the negatives, and you squirm uncomfortably at your full display.

“I look,” you bite your tongue, internally debating whether you like it or not. Not to spare Jungkook the theatrics you shrug, “It’s good.”

The lack of enthusiasm seems to dissatisfy Jungkook however, as he has to take a double take and look back and forth between the image and the real thing. “What’s wrong with it, do you think Johnny’ll not like it?”

“What?” you furrow your brows, breaking into a nervous laugh. “Johnny has a boyfriend. I just wanted his opinion. This photoshoot is for me, y’know? Just something to make me feel good about myself.”

Jungkook’s lips morph into a little ‘o’, and you see a little bit of the child you once knew in the way he’s mulling over the situation.

“Then can I give you my honest opinion?” Jungkook clips off the half-dried photo, holding it between you two. “Stop thinking so hard about every little thing you don’t like about yourself. If I was your boyfriend and you gifted this to me, I’d be creaming my pants. You look fucking sexy, all grown up since you cried in the fourth grade.”

You’ve just been flung a litany of words you have no brain capacity to digest. Along with that, the immense heat you didn’t know you’ve been suppressing surges to your belly, low and simmering. Jungkook stares at you in earnest, despite his sudden gush of honesty, you don’t know what to say. There’s a dash of pink staining his cheeks, betraying the confidence he previously displayed. He stiffens when you don’t reply immediately and moves to clean his materials, his sudden bout of bold honesty quickly shrinking.

“Y-you know,” you look down at your feet, “the only reason why I cried in the fourth grade was because you told me Santa wasn’t real.”

Jungkook softens, tilting his head. “Sorry about that.”

“Thanks though,” you gently reach for the photo in Jungkook’s grasp, looking at it without contempt. “But won’t your girlfriend be upset if she knew you were saying things like this about someone else?”

He chuckles, shaking his head. “Well, if you looked through the rest of my Instagram story,” Jungkooks cards a hand through his already mussed hair, splitting the ends. “You would see that she’s not my girlfriend, but my tattoo artist.”

For added measure, he wiggles his fingers in front of you, revealing pretty ink and silver bands across his knuckles.

“Oh,” your voice is feather light, and you’re sure you’re drooling as you stare far too long at the letters that mark his hands, curious as to what they symbolize.

“So, as a singleton telling another singleton,” he continues, “I know it’s meaningless if you don’t believe it yourself, but I’m telling you, you’re attractive.”

“Thanks,” you hold the picture tightly in your grasp, eyes flickering to the negatives in the room ready to be galvanized into a full-fledged picture. “Why don’t we wrap this up, huh? We can continue another time.”

If he notices how much the paper wilts in your grasp, he doesn’t comment on it. “Are you sure? I know it takes a lot of time, but I don’t mind.”

“I’m sure,” you force a smile, one hand on the lightswitch. “I’ll let you know when I’m ready, okay?”

Jungkook swallows, nodding mechanically. “Okay.”

“It was really nice seeing you, Kook.” you blurt before you could chicken out, letting the room bask in darkness a little longer so he can’t see your flustered state. “I’m not even going to downplay it, you look great.”

You half-expect a cocky remark, or a little chest pumping from the compliment. At the sound of his nickname however, 4th grade Jeon Jungkook resurfaces and he shoves his hands in his pockets. “Like I said, so do you,” he replies easily, sending you a soft smile and opening the door for you.

The door closes shut behind you and you exhale, patting your cheeks and willing for the chilly air to calm you down.

When you get home that day, you shuck off all your clothes and crawl into bed. You cry out when the metal framing of your bunny ears stabs you in the back, and you fling it to some unmentionable part of the room. You reach for a bag of half-opened sour gummy worms, flipping open your MacBook to continue streaming the soft magical girl anime you’ve been hooked on these past few weeks.

Not even Sailor Uranus can distract you; however, by the time it’s dark and you’ve run out of distractions, you finally pull the plug and unblock Jungkook from your list of contacts.

Your phone buzzes, the incessant vibration relaying all the messages you’ve missed.

[March 12th, 3:53AM]

You: https://drive.google.com/drive/u/1/folders/0343…

John Kook: ???

John Kook: you probably sent this to me by accident… sorry i clicked on it

John Kook: is it weird if i said you’ve done a massive glow up since the middle school dance?

[March 12th, 12:02 PM]

John Kook: are u mad

John Kook: you’re mad

John Kook: am i makin this weird by continuing to text you

John Kook: im making it weird.

[March 31st, 6:24 PM]

John Kook: https://drive.google.com/drive/u/1/folders/049…

You tilt your head at the folder link, it was sent only a few hours ago. With a click, you’re enlightened to a set of digital photos. Your photos from your photoshoot, but not quite. They’ve been expertly edited, not too much to distort your looks, but only to enhance your features. A small, barely there smile creeps from your subconscious, ultimately touched by the gesture.

John Kook: sorry if i pushed too hard today.

Guilt overrides your nerves, prompting you to immediately press the call button on his contact. Not to your surprise, Jungkook’s light voice calls your name through the line after the second ring.

“Don’t be sorry,” you blurt, forgoing the hellos. “It was the right amount of push, I feel better, really. If anything, I’m sorry. I blocked your number because I was scared to read your reaction.”

You hear him sigh along the line, and you feel that breath ripple through your nerves, as if he’s right next to you. “It’s fine, I would’ve done the same thing.”

“The pictures you just sent, they’re really beautiful. You did a good job.”

“Thanks, I had a bit of help. I didn’t have to do much.”

“Oh, did Mingyu come back from his meeting?”

"No, I uh," Jungkook chuckles, and while you don't really know why, the sound is nonetheless pleasant. “It was mostly the lighting and coloring I fixed up. Didn’t need to do much since you already looked so pretty as it is.”

You choke on your saliva.

“You okay?”

“Y-yeah,” you cough, “just choked on a snack I was eating.” he hums in reply, and you pray he doesn’t hear your stomach fervently retort that you haven’t eaten since lunch. “So, I think I’m up for developing more of the film. When can I drop by?”

“I’m free Saturday,” Jungkook chirps, “I have a shoot until noon but you can come anytime after that.”

“Sounds good, I’ll be there,” you clutch the phone with both hands. “I can bring lunch. What do you like to eat?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.”

“I’m already buying for Minghao,” you lie, “do you like burgers?”

“I can’t say no to a good burger,” Jungkook’s smile feels almost palpable against the line, “do you remember our field trip to the national museum of history? We had burgers on the street!”

“Oh, those were so good,” you moan, fuzzy memories of a middle grade field trip resurfacing to clarity, “but you ate like, ten of them!”

“I still get nightmares,” he warns, “don’t let me go to bed like this.”

You giggle, letting your body meld further into your warm mattress. “Maybe I’ll just show up with ten burgers for you tomorrow.”

“I’ll throw up on you, try me.”

Minghao’s adjusting the frames on their display wall by the centimeter, and it’s pissing him off.

“Ah, it’s off,” he mutters to himself when you walk in, indicated by the electronic bell. He turns to you briefly, pulling a leveler out of his overall pocket. “Doesn’t this look off?”

“Uh,” you look towards Mingyu at the front desk, who is paying no mind as he continues scribbling on his iPad. You tilt your head towards your former college classmate. “It doesn’t look off from over here?”

Tacking the leveler on one of the frames, he whines, “It’s five degrees off.”

Mingyu puts his pen down to reach over the counter and grab the paper from your hands, steaming with the scent of fast food, “He’s been like this for hours, don’t mind him.”

He doesn’t even ask whether the food is his, Mingyu sees grease and he claims. Reaching for an oil-wrapped parchment, he unfolds the paper to reveal a handsome burger with all the fix-ens.

Barely satisfied, Minghao steps away from the art display. There is a sizable gap in the display, now divided between four artists instead of three. You wonder how Jungkook’s work will look amongst the other artists.

“Cute ‘fit.” Minghao mumbles, nodding approvingly at your clothes as he digs into the bag for his own burger.

You send a half-smile his way. If an outfit is Minghao-approved, that means you’ve gone above and beyond. At least, you tried to play it off like you didn’t try to look cute. It’s not like you’re intimidated by Jungkook, living with a major fifteen-year glow up. After all, he’s already seen more than you can imagine.

Mingyu takes notice, eyes going south to where your white blouse meets your cleavage. You hurl a fry at his face, “Eyes up here, perv.”

He scrunches his nose, lifting a greasy thumb to slide a manila envelope over to you. “Here’s the developed pictures. Intercepted Kook and I finished them this morning.”

You frown, “Jungkook’s not done with his photoshoot yet?”

“Oh, he’s been done.” Mingyu’s eyes roll back to one of the studios. “But I’m saying is, you got what you needed. So you can leave if you want,” but he grins at you, canines so sharp you feel his stare jabbing you in the proverbial neck. “Unlesssss you want to go in and say hi.”

If he has any inkling of what’s going on in your head, it’s definitely confirmed when your face turns hot. Damn body, you’re betraying me! With a flourish you grab the fries from under Mingyu’s nose, along with whatever’s left in the fast food bag.

Minghao’s smiling through his burger, knowing if he pulls any type of savagery his lunch would certainly be pulled from under his chin.

“Whatever you’re thinking, drop it or the burger will be going in your ass instead of out.” You mean to sound menacing, but the Min-squared and their boisterous laughter follow you down the hallway and into the occupied studio.

“Hey Jungkoo—wow.”

You’re sure you look like Alice, enthralled by the little wonderland she just stepped into. The set is beautiful, right out of a fairytale. It has a very old-romance vibe, like Morticia and Gomez Addams. There lay a couch made of the darkest, richest wood, with velvet red cushions covering the body. Across the floor laid hundreds of black rose petals, blanketing the floor in a sea of ebony.

“It’s for a wedding, gothic themed.” Jungkook supplies helpfully, still fiddling with whatever he was looking on his digital camera. He’s looking utterly soft in a matching grey sweat combination, something that would easily disgust you during high school, but unfairly works with him.

“The shoot must’ve been beautiful.”

“It was.”

“I uh, got this for you.” Your fingers start to sweat from clutching the bag so hard, and you place it on his work table.

He finally looks up from his camera, giving you a wan smile. “I thought you got those for Minghao.”

You mentally slap your cheeks, trying to ignore the way his smile made your stomach do somersaults. “He got his own. Your portion has a cookie in it, so.”

His cute teeth unveil themselves at the mention of sweets, and you can’t help but smile back at the familiarity.

The two of you take your time in enjoying your lunch, not meaning to stay but the very back of your mind hoping he’d like to share a meal with you. After all, Mingyu and Minghao are probably at the front relishing in your very obvious attraction. What can you say, first crushes never die.

Between sips of your milkshake, you’ve taken to flipping through Jungkook’s portfolio. There’s a myriad of different subjects: beaches, people, the occasional squirrel. Each section of the portfolio feels like you’re being transported to a new side of Jungkook and his artistry, and you ached to know more.

“Wow,” you point at an action shot of two girls in a dance studio, “this duo looks like Chungha and Hyoyeon.”

He swallows his (second) burger, having the audacity to sink sheepishly in his sweater. “It is Chungha and Hyoyeon.”

You nearly choke on your cookie. “That’s amazing.” you say breathlessly, looking closer at the image. In fact, the beautiful women photographed are famed hip-hop choreographers Chungha and Hyoyeon. You can’t imagine how good Jungkook must be to manage a photoshoot with them.

As proud as you are of Jungkook, it reminds you that since middle school you two have lived completely different lives. You wonder if Jungkook gets these kinds of gigs all the time, hanging around with gorgeous, talented people like himself.

Jungkook says your name once, twice. He looks at you concerned, and you’re melting in his large carmine eyes. If he notices your usual overthinking, he doesn’t say anything, and gestures to the section at the end of his portfolio. “This isn’t my best work, but it’s one of my favorites.”

There’s something familiar about this set. A playground with a busted swing set. Children riding on bikes and colorful class shirts. Ice cream melting on fists.

Thirteen-year-old you hanging on top of your middle school’s leafless tree, clutching your baseball cap as you shade yourself from the sunset.

“Was this the first time you took pictures?” you ask, thumbing the picture of yourself.

“Yeah. It’s when I decided it’s what I wanted to do the rest of my life.”

“I know we didn’t know each other that well and we’ve only recently connected but,” you give him a shy smile, “I’m really proud of what you’ve grown up to be, Jungkook.”

He looks like you’ve hung him the moon and stars, his half-eaten burger loosening in his grasp. His lips are parted cutely, like a kitten who’s just been offered a fresh glass of milk. You cough at the sudden pause in conversation, feeling self-conscious of your impulse confession. You don’t even have it in you to be disgusted when Jungkook hastily shoves the second half of his burger down his throat, tips of his ears pink.

Leaving him be, you press a palm to your cheek, looking at the wedding set.

Jungkook downs half a water bottle before he speaks again. “Y’know, it would be a shame to clean up this set already. It was kind of expensive.”

“Yeah,” you echo, standing up and kicking off your slippers. You kick your feet in the air, watching the black petals kiss across your ankles.

“I have an idea,” he wipes his hands on his sweats, “why don’t you go back home and get an outfit you really like. Lingerie, a cute outfit, whatever. Let me give you a photoshoot you’d love.”

You look up from your petal dance, balking. “Jungkook! That’s not necessary, I told you the photos I took were okay.”

“Yeah but, you didn’t seem entirely happy. C’mon, I got a camera and a beautiful set. Why waste it?” his hands naturally gravitate towards his charging camera, already turning it on. “I can do lighting, I know all your good angles. What’s stopping us?”

Really, what’s stopping you? Your hands fiddle with your open flannel, the soft material comforting you as you look across the set. You try to imagine yourself, your body draped across the velvet pillows and black petals. Would it look good? Would you feel good? You think back to how you felt the first time, how scared you were when someone other than Johnny would be looking at your photos. You remember how something weird and sour contorted in your stomach when you scrolled through Jeon Jungkook’s Instagram, no longer the little boy you knew but a man who could have everything he wanted—

“Stop thinking about it.” Jungkook suddenly snaps, and you break from your reverie to catch him looking upset. It’s been awhile since you’ve seen him like that.

“Thinking about what?”

“Thinking that you’re out of my league.”

“Excuse me?”

“You were like this the other day too,” and he looks sad, and puts his camera down to come closer to you. “Why are you feeling this way. Is it me?”

“Not necessarily,” you huff, hugging yourself.

“Do you not feel beautiful? Do you not like your body?”

“No, I do.” you say to yourself, and you mean it. Even though there will inevitably be days where you may not feel one-hundred percent positive about yourself, you know at the end of the day, you love you and all its parts. “I don’t know, Jungkook. I had no problem letting Mingyu develop the photos originally, because he knew me in college and I was already sure of myself back then. But I guess when I sent them to you, I felt like I did when I was a little girl, y’know? Going through puberty, and worrying about what other people think.”

And it’s not like Jungkook teased you or made you feel lesser of yourself. In fact, Jungkook was the student you wanted to be when you were younger. Someone sweet and caring, and unabashedly confident about himself.

“I guess seeing you so successful and the fact that my stupid childhood crush came back from a time where I always felt low, made me feel a little insecure again.”

Something sinks in and you feel hyper aware of how crushed Jungkook looks at your declaration. “There’s no leagues, you got that?” he says quietly, walking so close that he’s hovering over you, sneakers brushing. “I get it. I get unsure and insecure just like you. Hell, I was nervous this morning, wondering if you’d really come. We may not feel insecure over the same things, but middle school wasn’t that great for me either.” He makes a funny face, and you feel a smile twitch across your lips. “But it’s okay. Because we’re human and we grow. But now, you are successful. You’ve grown from your time growing up and you’re a wonderful, powerful person. I’m proud of you too.”

“I know,” you mumble, leaning your forehead against his chest. His arms wrap around you in response, holding you snug.

“And for the record, I thought you were the most beautiful person in the world in fourth grade. Even though my world was pretty small back then, I can say now that what I thought back then still stands true.”

You look up from his embrace, where he’s leaning down to press a slow, cotton soft kiss to your forehead. He backs up a little to read your face, and you give a tiny nod in response to signal it’s okay. Jungkook exhales in contentment, relaxing against your frame.

“Thanks, Kook,” you crack a smile, feeling your insecurities slowly evaporate. You feel better, light, knowing that these negative feelings are only temporary, and you’re not alone. Being in Jungkook’s arms, an honest boy turned man you’ve known all your life, it feels almost like home.

You two stay like this for a while. Exchanging feather-like kisses, feeling irrevocably young and hopeful. Suddenly feeling emboldened, you tug him by the strings of his hoodie to press a long, hot kiss to his lips. There’s a stutter, and you’re pretty sure Jungkook choked on his saliva at the sudden change of pace but you continue, letting Jungkook catch up and follow your lead.

“Wow,” Jungkook pulls away and his lips are shiny and flushed. Adorable. You think 7th grade Jungkook would be rolling in his Naruto sheets if he knew you two would inevitably end up together. Conversely, 7th grade you would be squealing in your kitten plushie, proud that you managed to nab your childhood crush to live out all the fantasies you’ve imagined since the 4th grade.

“Jungkook,” you let your flannel fall to the floor in a heap, only leaving your baby blue top in a thin ruched camisole. “I think I want to do the photoshoot. Can’t pass up these pretty petals, y’know?”

He runs a hand through his hair, gaping. “Really?”

“Yeah,” you press a wet kiss to his neck, “anyway you want me, baby. Full creative control. I want you to like this as much as I do, okay?”

With the permission to hold the wheel, Jungkook’s lightheaded and spinning. His eyes rake up and down your gorgeous form, wondering how many good deeds he’s done in his past life to earn a right just as this.

“In that case,” he presses a palm to your shoulder, pushing you to sit along the velvet cushion, “strip for me.”

#jungkook fic #btsghostiebingo #goldenclosetnet #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #bts fic #bts scenarios #jungkook scenarios #jungkook x reader

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esmealux · 3 years

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I'll bite. 13 and 35 look like they might be fun together. 😈

Thank you so much for this fun prompt, Shelly ❤ The opportunities seemed endless, but in the end I went with this. I hope you like it.

Once again, I screwed up at brevity, so this is 1.9K (:

13. Someone does something stupid + 35. 'You wanna bet?' 'Care to wager?'

Never make a bet with the Devil.

A deal, if you must. But do not bet against him.

Not because he’ll take your soul or anything; he won’t even necessarily take your money.

But because he can’t handle it. He can’t. He’ll stop at nothing to win, and when he doesn’t—when he can’t shoot down a bottle of vodka with a slingshot from 400 feet away, or blow a soap bubble with his nose, or fly to Sweden and back in under thirty minutes (the latter he did do, but a drug test showed he’d taken EPO)—he’ll walk around in a pathetic cloud of self-pity, sulking and pouting to an unbearable degree for days on end.

So if you care about the Devil, don’t bet with him. It’s for his own good.

It really is.

And yet-

Chloe picks up the dirty plates from the coffee table as gunshots fire around her. It makes her a little uneasy, how real it sounds through their newly installed surround sound system. One so expensive she doesn’t even want to know.

Their just as overpriced (and unnecessarily big) TV is bathing Lucifer in white-blue light as he stares at the screen intently. He did want to watch the movie with her, but she’s not much of a Weaponizer fan, and she’d like to clean up before she snuggles up next to him on the couch and inevitably falls asleep. As she’s gathered all the dishes in her arms, however, she can’t help but pause and glance at the film for just a second.

‘Yeah, like that could actually happen,’ she snorts, watching the car jump across a considerable gap in a bridge, flip mid-air, and land on all four wheels on the other side. ‘I mean, no one’s ever done that.’

As soon as the words leave her mouth Chloe knows she’s made a mistake.

Lucifer pauses the movie—because God forbid he misses five seconds of a film he’s watched thirty times—before he looks up at her with a lifted eyebrow and a devilish grin.

‘Is that a challenge, Detective?’

Chloe glares at him, her jaw clenching. ‘It’s not possible,’ she states firmly, which is even worse, because now he can only reply with-

‘Care to wager?’

Chloe wants to kick herself.

‘There’s no way in Hell you’re doing that,’ she tells him, nodding towards the paused screen before she heads for the kitchen to start the dishwasher.

‘Why? Because my worried girlfriend won’t let me?’ he calls after her. ‘I’m invulnerable, remember?’

Chloe refills her wine glass, generously, and returns to the living room.

‘No,’ she objects, careful not to spill Pinot Noir on the couch as she settles against Lucifer’s warm, silk-clad side. ‘I just know you’ll never forgive yourself when your beloved Corvette rams into a cliff.’

Lucifer gasps and scoffs. ‘As if I’d ever risk such a sweet beauty like that!’ He plucks the glass out of her hand and takes a sip. ‘And even if I did, she would not, because I would succeed, first try.’

‘First try? Really?’

Chloe grabs the remote and replays the last fifteen seconds. Looking at it a second time, it’s even more ridiculous. The background is so obviously a green screen it’s not even funny, the flip is clearly made using some sort of outdated CGI, and they haven’t even bothered making it look like there’s a real person in the car. Also—Chloe doesn’t remember much from school, but she’s pretty sure the entire stunt defies physics as the car leaps, practically flies over the 150 feet gap, all the while rotating 360 degrees sideways.

‘Maybe third,’ Lucifer admits.

Chloe shakes her head and sighs.

‘I can do it, Detective.’ He looks at her like it’s a threat. ‘And I will.’

Oh, he will definitely try. The determination in his eyes leave no doubt about that. But he can’t possibly copy that stunt with an actual car and an actual gap. There’s just no way. And she shouldn’t spur him on. She really shouldn’t. But the idiot’s gotta learn at some point, and if she’s gonna have to deal with his childish disappointment (and she will), she might as well get something out of it.

‘Fine,’ she shrugs. ‘What are we betting?’

He grins at her, brown eyes twinkling with excitement.

‘If—nay, when I win,’ he answers promptly, and Chloe rolls her eyes, ‘I’ll finally get that thing I’ve always wanted.’

Chloe stares at him, comepletely clueless. If his tone and stupid smirk are anything to go by, it’s not a pet shark he’s talking about.

‘One... re-enactment for another,’ he clarifies slowly, his dark gaze gliding over her body before his eyes flicker to the glass doors leading to their terrace—and their outdoor hot tub.

Chloe fights the urge to roll her eyes again.

‘Okay,’ she agrees, internally reminding herself it doesn’t really matter. She gives him a cocky smile. ‘And when I win?’

Lucifer chuckles as if he finds her adorably naïve. Asshat. Still, he says, ‘You’ll get anything you desire.’

Chloe thinks. There’s not much she desires he wouldn’t give her anyway. She could have him do paperwork for a month, but he’d just mess it up, and she’d have to listen to his complaints about ‘torturous boredom’ and ‘purgatory’. She could also go for something funnier, like have him wear t-shirt and sweats to work for a week. But that would just be cruel, wouldn’t it?

‘I don’t know,’ she tells him, but the words are barely out of her mouth before Trixie’s enthusiastic voice sounds behind them.

‘I might have an idea!’

Lucifer sighs and gives Chloe an unimpressed look before he shifts slightly in his seat to look at her daughter.

‘Alright, but only because your mum lacks creativity like a sober Faulkner.’

Trixie walks around the couch and comes to stand in front of them, a mischievous smile on her face.

‘Please don’t tell me it’s a unicorn on the cheek,’ Lucifer huffs, taking another gulp of Chloe’s wine.

‘It’s not,’ she assures him and holds out her iPad for him to see. It’s a doodle of a small, fluffy goat with pink fur. ‘I was thinking something more… permanent.’ With the hand that’s not holding her tablet, Trixie pats a spot on the left side of her upper chest.

Lucifer slowly removes the wine glass from his lips, and the sheer horror on his face makes Chloe snort with laughter.

He stares at the small, inarguably adorable drawing like it’s a personal insult, glances down at his chest with dread, and looks back to Trixie.

‘You little Devil,’ Lucifer grumbles, but there’s no trace of hostility in his voice. If anything, he sounds a little impressed. He grabs Trixie’s iPad from her outstretched hand and studies the pink kawaii buck for a second, as if he’s seriously considering saying yes to the deal.

Eventually, he sighs. ‘I’m in.’

‘Lucifer-’ Chloe immediately begins to protest. He’s not gonna win this bet, and she knows how downright intolerable he’ll be when he’ll have to get a cute, chubby animal—one that, to him, represents mockery and misconception—tattooed onto his skin. She's tired already, just thinking about all the whining she'd have to deal with.

But it’s too late. Her boyfriend and daughter shake hands, and the deal is settled.

Chloe palms her face.

‘Wait, what do you get if you actually manage to… whatever it is this time?’ Trixie asks, her small hand still clasped in Lucifer’s.

Chloe looks up at him, heat creeping up her cheeks. Their eyes meet shortly before he looks back to her daughter, visibly conflicted.

‘Eh…’

It’s not so much a word as it is a breathy, high-pitched sound, partly stuck in his throat. But it’s answer enough for Trixie.

‘Forget I asked,’ she quickly says, her face scrunched up in disgust. ‘I’ll be in my room.’

She takes her iPad back and leaves them alone on the couch.

‘So, I guess it’s tit or tat, then,’ Lucifer remarks with a chuckle, glancing down at Chloe’s chest.

She snorts and smiles, despite herself.

‘But, I mean-’ He grabs the remote and plays the scene a third time.

He must not see the same utterly absurd and almost comically impossible stunt she (still) sees, because he leans down and whispers in her ear, ‘Better start rehearsing your lines, Detective.’

Chloe shakes her head at him and snuggles closer to his body.

‘You’re lucky I like your mother,’ Lucifer mumbles as the needle pinches ink into his chest.

He’d driven off in a ‘cheap’ Porsche this morning and returned eight hours later, looking like he’d literally been fed to the wolves and with no Porsche.

‘Hey honey,’ she’d greeted him, hiding her smirk behind her cup of tea. ‘How’d it go?’

He’d answered with a grunt, blamed the Germans for making their cars too ‘praktisch’ and the Italians for not making theirs fast enough (he’d controlled for variables) and finally concluded it was all his dad’s fault because He ‘created that pesky gravity’.

Then he’d handed her an ornate, black business card and looked at her as if he’d picked his own casket.

Chloe had bit her cheek and hugged him before driving all three of them to the high-end tattoo parlour he’d requested.

‘You okay there?’ she asks him, letting him grip her hand tighter. The fact that he isn’t feeling any actual pain—‘any physical pain, Detective!’—makes his wincing all the more pathetic. Still, she feels a little bad for him.

‘No.’ He bends his neck to peer down at his chest, and pouts. ‘I’m not.’

Trixie grins beside him. ‘I think it looks cool!’

‘Of course, you do. You’re a twelve-year-old girl.’

The smile on Trix’ face turns into a smirk. ‘A twelve-year-old who girl you lost a bet to.’

Sighing deeply, Lucifer turns his head to scowl at her like she’s his annoying little sister and not the stepdaughter he’d go to the ends of the universe for.

‘It’ll be gone in a few months,’ Chloe reminds him, earning her a funny look from the tattoo artist.

The muscle in Lucifer’s jaw ticks. ‘It’s not even finished yet and I already hate it more than I ever did my bloody wings! How am I supposed to endure this… horned cotton candy for months?’

Chloe takes a deep breath. She brought this on herself. She knew she shouldn’t have made that bet with him. She knew he’d be an insufferable drama queen.

She also knows, after hours of hearing him moan, that he’s not gonna shut up about ‘deceitful special effects’ and ‘useless laws of physics’, much less the ‘vile, little creature marring his muscled chest’. Not unless she does something.

So Chloe does something.

For the second time in her life, she gets naked in—and out of a hot tub.

‘No moaning, then,’ she tells him, giving him a stern look.

Lucifer looks her up and down in awe and hunger, dark eyes lingering on the tiny red bikini he knows she’ll take off in a matter of seconds. ‘Now, there’s a promise I can’t keep.’

‘About the wager,’ she clarifies, but he’s not listening.

With a sigh, Chloe sinks into the hot, bubbling water, loosens her bikini top, and gets into character.

She is never, ever betting with the Devil again.

#deckerstar fanfiction #two part drabble game #writing #lucifer x chloe #chloe x lucifer #lucifer morningstar #chloe decker #established deckerstar #lucifer fanfiction #lucifer on netflix #some point in the future #deckerstar fluff #fluff

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allie1804-fan · 3 years

Text

Please Assist Me (Chapter 17)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Ch6apter 10 , Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15 , Chapter 16

Warnings: Some explicit Content

He Said

The wrap for the film in November left me high - it had been an amazing experience again for me but the joy at the film completing was made so much better by the knowledge that I would soon be back home, holding Sophia in my arms.

I got back to my apartment after the wrap party at around midnight, slightly inebriated and dialled her back in LA.

“It’s done, I’m coming home” I declared.

“you seem happy” she said laughing at my slurred speech “are you drunk?”

“little bit I think, yup! You alone?”

“a ha – kids are at Julie’s today”

“ooooh goody, wanna play?”

She Said

When Ke called me after the wrap party, he was clearly a little drunk, a bit goofy ……and horny. A few times whilst he’d been away, we’d masturbated together and I knew that was where this was going today. I moved into the bedroom and he started softly instructing me as to which garments to remove, what to show him and telling me everything he wanted to do to me when he got back. He was the master of story telling and timing, holding off telling me to touch myself for as long as he could so that when the time came and he encouraged me ……….

“now touch yourself, imagine my tongue….”

I was off like a firecracker, screaming his name which pushed him over the edge too, a loud grunt coming through the speaker of the iPad.

I propped the iPad up against his pillow on the bed and we stared at each other, smiling and I know I was blushing a little.

“Why do you always blush when we do that? We are allowed you know, you are my girlfriend right?”

I nodded, giggling a little.

“Yeah, it’s just that it’s 3.30 in the afternoon here - it feels very decadent to be touching myself while the kids are off doing their school day!”

“Where are they on Friday? I get in at around 7am?”

“Lucky you, it’s Miranda’s day. But you should get some sleep”

“I’ll sleep on the plane …………..and after I’ve taken you!”

“Promises, promises”

“Absolutely!”

He Said

“Told you!”

“Told me what?” Sophia breathed as she lay back on the pillow, her long brown hair fanning out around her and her chest still rosy pink with the flush of orgasm.

“Told you I’d take you first before sleep today” I murmured, sinking into the pillow and yawning.

“Poor old man’s sleepy”

“Hey, less of the old”

Sophia pulled up the covers and ran soothing hands over my shoulders”

“Get some rest baby and thank you”

“For what?”

“Coming back to me and keeping your promise”

I could feel myself drifting into dreams already “mmm no problem, I love you Sophia, I’m so glad to be home”

“Love you too Ke”

When I woke up it was early afternoon and Sophia had made a spread of some of my favourite things for lunch, chief among which was a Peanut butter and jelly sandwich! I feasted and we talked about our plans for the time we now had together. There were still restrictions in California due to Covid so there were limitations on how much we could do but truth be told my main priority was investing time with this newly forming family, seeing some other family and friends and taking some bike rides. There would be John Wick training in the new year but until then, my time was my own.

She Said

Once Keanu was back and we’d got over the initial rush of excitement to be together again, we settled into something of a routine.

He’d stay over a couple of nights a week and at least once a week I’d spend the day with him at his house, often just enjoying a decadent day between the sheets. A Wednesday would be similar for us to a Sunday for a couple who didn’t have kids in the house bouncing out of bed at 7am!

Whilst we did have a routine of sorts there were still adjustments to be made. One of these took me a little by surprise and was partly triggered by a routine letter from my doctor.

Keanu was there as I opened it.

“Everything OK?

“Oh, yeah sure, it’s just about my coil. It’s going to expire soon so I have to go in for a consult”

“Oh and are you just going to get another one or ….?”

“Or what ?”

I had known this decision was coming soon and it had got me questioning whether it was the end of the road for me and babies. Some friends around me were still having more kids and that was one factor in me questioning it. The last new baby had arrived only a couple of weeks ago - it was Julie’s so we’d gone to visit, taking a gift. I got to cuddle her little boy Matthew too since we were in the bubble together. I remembered Keanu’s indulgent expression as I’d declared

“Babies just rule don’t they? Every home should have one! – but then again they are soooo much work!”

I was only joking around but it was true, I did love babies and I couldn’t say for sure that I was content with declaring an end to my child-bearing years by getting another coil fitted for 10 or more years. I know you can take them out early but the fact that it could just go in and stay in did make that particular choice feel quite final. On the other hand, it was safe and super convenient and meant no condoms which I had never liked and most men I knew didn’t either. I wondered what Keanu thought of my comment. He was so great with my 2 kids - I didn’t know whether he regretted not having kids of his own – I mean I guess that was kind of inevitable given what he had lost but I didn’t know if it was something he wanted still.

“Or …… do you ever wonder about having more kids?”

“Gosh, I don’t know”

“No? You weren’t thinking about it when cuddling baby Matthew the other day?”

I blushed.

“Well, maybe it crossed my mind that this decision was coming up”

“and?”

I took a deep breath

“And I wasn’t sure I was completely ready to …….. to close the door” I admitted.

He Said

I sat at my desk, a blank piece of paper in front of me. I was about to embark on a methodical analysis of my thoughts on having a kid with Sophia. After she’d said she wasn’t sure she was ready to close the door, she asked me what I wanted. Gosh, that took the wind out of my sails even though I had been the one to lift the lid by asking her about her coil. To be honest, it was the way she had been with baby Matthew that had started me thinking before that and had re-awakened in me something I’d not felt since my 40s: The longing to have a child of my own.

I started jotting down thoughts - pros and cons and trying somehow to think about how positive or negative they each were. It was no good weighing a negative like sleepless nights against a positive like giving my mother grandchildren and my sisters a niece or nephew. I was still pouring over my page, filling it with thoughts and adding circles around key words and phrases when Sophia popped her head around the corner to say hi. She’d just arrived after dropping the kids at Miranda’s.

“Hey what’s this?” she asked leaning over my shoulder and kissing my cheek.

“Well, it’s me attempting to be rational, practical, you know about what we talked about yesterday”

“Oh, I see” she responded as she started to scan the page.

“you’re not too old” she exclaimed, picking up on one of the negatives I’d written.

“You sure ?– I mean I could be nearly 80 when they’re 20 something – my mom was 40 when I was 20!”

“Yeah but I’ll be 50 when Eva is 20 - 20 was very young to have a kid by today’s standards. What are the numbers next to each thing?”

“A scoring system” I said blushing a bit.

“Oh my god, how scientific are we getting!?”

“Like I said” I defended, “I’m trying to be pragmatic, weigh things in the balance which is hard when you have things like this in the mix”

I pointed to the biggest word on the page which I’d started to draw around. It was ‘Love’ and it was certainly the thing that counted most in the balance. The love that a child could bring into my life and everyone else in our families was why seeing Sophia with Matthew that day had sparked all those feelings. It didn’t really matter that much that I might need to do fewer projects, that I’d have less freedom and time to myself for creative projects, that we’d be building a complex family melding with the existing one. I think the only thing on the page I could see that made me hesitate were the words “Loss” , “risk and “disappointment”. How on earth could we embark on this path and accept that maybe Sophia wouldn’t get pregnant, what steps would we take if that was the case or would we just agree that if it didn’t happen on its own then that was the end of it. Or maybe she would conceive and then we’d lose the baby like Ava ……… That option almost equalled the love one in terms of being the opposite in negative points.

“Come on, take a break, have some lunch with me and then talk me through it OK? Maybe I should do the same task huh? We’ll work it out” she soothed, squeezing my hand.

She Said

Keanu was quiet through lunch. I could tell that this topic was really taxing his head and heart and I felt guilty that my contraceptive choices had brought this to the fore. He reassured me that in fact, it was seeing me with baby Matthew that had really started the thoughts spinning round his mind.

Whilst I teased him about his giant mind map of pros and cons with its elaborate points system, it was really useful as a prompt to talk it through. It didn’t strip emotion out of it, after all, how could it with the word love and all its layers of meaning sitting at the centre of the page, but it meant we did consider everything as best we could.

It was the first time we’d talked in any detail about Ava and that experience of loss. He told me most of it, leaning back in the lounger by the pool, eyes closed, holding my hand, an occasional tear leaking out. The horror of giving birth to a silent, dead baby filled me with sorrow for him and Jen and, if I’m honest, some fear for myself. Fear of being the one to do that to him again, fear of embarking on something that held such potential danger. It had never felt that way as I had innocently embarked on my pregnancies with Eva and Miguel.

By the time I had to leave that afternoon, we had almost got to our conclusion, but agreed to sleep on it for a few days. Ironically, he called this technique “incubation”! He said you didn’t actually have to actively think about it but letting it just sit in the back of your mind meant that you would process it and come to a conclusion that you were comfortable with.

He Said

I wanted to pinch myself when I thought back to last Christmas Eve. The two years could not be more different. This evening, at nearly midnight, I found myself hovering outside Miguel’s bedroom door, checking for the steady sounds of him sleeping before sneaking in with his stocking containing a few presents for when he woke up. Sophia was doing the same outside Eva’s door. As I crept up to his bed, looking at his angelic little face, almost black hair sticking out of the covers just a bit, I felt centred and certain about our decisions last month.

He and Eva were my family too now, not officially in law, but in practice they spent more time with me than with their Dad these days. They were comfortable with me, even as an occasional disciplinarian not just a playmate. And that was enough for me and Sophia - if we added to the brood with a child of our own, then great; We weren’t making any efforts to stop a pregnancy and we were both taking care of our health but we would not have any fertility interventions and would stop if nothing had happened after a couple of years since Sophia was nearly 40. We had both agreed that we didn’t want to push our luck too far with a risky pregnancy.

She Said

My main memory of our first Christmas together was Keanu’s goofy grin that seemed to be permanently plastered on his face for the whole holidays. It was there for all the special meals we shared, there when we all opened our gifts from him (purchased without PA help!) and there when he closed the bedroom door and came to make love to me each night, stifling the sounds of our passion from the kids with his kisses.

We were in a cocoon of love and tenderness - I knew work was on the horizon for him and that would change our rhythm again soon enough but for now, we could bask in each other’s love, enjoy the children together and carry a little spark of hope that I might be able to fall pregnant with his child before long.

Once the holidays were over, Keanu was back to developing John Wick 4 and starting a new programme of training. We would have to endure some separation again once shooting started in April in New York but we were all decamping at the start to his apartment there since it would be the holidays then. We even had plans to decorate a bedroom each for the children so they would feel at home when we visited. I wanted them to feel safe and secure. It turned out that this was the one thing I couldn’t guarantee for them, now their mother was publicly dating a movie-star.

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles

#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu #keanu reeves #romance with boss

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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your name: Stephanie. do you like to shoot pool?: I’ve never played pool. are you any good?: what is the scariest movie you ever saw?: Hmm. I’m not sure what horror film gets the scariest movie title. I love horror films, but I haven’t been really scared by one in a long time. the funniest?: That’s tough, too.

the saddest?: I’m not good at this haha. do you daydream?: Yeah. My wanders and drifts a lot. do you dream at night?: Yeah. We all do, it's just sometimes we don't remember them. <<< I rarely remember them. Sometimes I will briefly, but then it’s gone. It has to really affect me or something for me to remember. A lot of my dreams are just so random and weird. do you remember them? Care to share?: ^^^ when you're sick, do you like to be pampered, or left alone?: It’s definitely nice to be taken care of, but I do like to sleep a lot when I’m sick so it’s a bit of both. who's the better actor, jack nicholson or anthony hopkins?: I don’t know, they’re both good at the creepy. are you superstitious?: Nah. I do the knock on wood thing, but it’s really just out of habit at this point cause I’ve done it so long. how many pictures are in your wallet?: The only photo in my wallet is my ID. do you like getting pictures taken?: No. if someone cries while watching a sad movie..do you laugh at them?: Nooo. Not sure why that’d be funny. I don’t even acknowledge it, I just let them have their moment. I’m probably too into the movie to really notice anyway. how often do you change your sheets?: Twice a month. is you bedroom upstairs or down?: We only have one floor. is it true blood is thicker than water?: Sadly, not always. Some people have toxic families. if you could wish someone out of your life ..who would it be?: The only people in my life currently are my family and I wouldn’t wish any of them out of my life! I’m here because of them. if you could be with anyone in the world..famous or not..who would it be?: It’s best that I’m single. are you high maintenance?: No. if you could change one thing in the world..what would it be: No violence. if you could star in any movie..which would it be?: One with Alexander Skarsgard where I play his girlfriend. haha. deliveryman at your door..who's the package from?: *shrug* I didn’t order anything. if you could completely change who you are..would you?: I’d change a lot that’s for sure. if you could live in a fairytale..which would it be?: Alice in Wonderland. if you could live in the past..where would it be?: I just wanna go back to the 90s, honestly. if you could see only one person right now..who would it be?: I’d love to see my grandma again. :( do you wear shoes in the house?: No. do you dream in color or black and white?: In color. what is your favorite accent?: British accents and some southern ones. do you like sunsets or sunrises?: Both are beautiful. what age did you find out santa wasn't real?: I think I was 8. do you write poetry/songs/stories?: Nope. do you wear socks with sandals?: No. I never wear sandals. would you marry for money?: Absolutely not. do you have any "in the mood" music you like to listen to?: Haha there are some songs where I’ve thought it would be a song to do the deed to. :X would you vote for a woman president?: If she was a good candidate in my own personal opinion, yeah. <<<< This. I want to vote for someone who I feel can do the best job. Their gender has nothing to do with it. Are looks/appearances really important?: I can’t say it doesn’t matter at all, but it’s not the most important. what are you most looking forward to?: There isn’t anything coming up. if someone lied to you and came clean is that forgivable?: I could forgive them most likely in time, but whether we remain friends or close is another story. It really depends on what the lie was. if you had to repeat a day over and over again..what day would you pick?: Ugh, my life already feels like that. It’s like Groundhog’s Day. Even a good day I wouldn’t want to repeat forever. When you die, do you want to be cremated or buried? Cremated. Did/do you like high school? Parts of it I liked. Do you like to play video games? Some. I’m always down for Mario games. Do you like Final Fantasy? Which one do you prefer of all? I’ve never played. My brothers loves that series, though. It does look interesting. Have you ever caught on fire? The tips of my hair did once while blowing out birthday candles :X Do you have a YouTube channel? Yeah, but I don’t upload. I use it to subscribe to channels and leave comments if I want. Do you ever go to video game arcades? No. Do you care what people think of you? Yes and no. Not as much as I used to, but that’s not because I’ve become a confident person or anything. I just don’t have the energy to care. I’ve become numb to it I guess. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Nope. Do you like Lady Gaga? I like some of her songs. Don’t you hate when your foot falls asleep? I don’t have that problem, but I hate when my hand or arm falls asleep. Do you think you have been in love before? Yes. Do you write poetry? No. I dabbled with it briefly my sophomore year in high school, though. They’re super cringe looking back on them. Do you like Edgar Allan Poe? I liked The Tell-Tale Heart. Have you ever met anyone famous? If so, who? Jamie Lee Curtis and Drake Bell. Have you ever gotten hit on by some creeper? Yeah, a few. Do you watch LifeTime? My mom and I used to all the time back in the day when I was younger. Now we do every once and awhile, usually if there’s nothing else on of interest. What happens is once you start one movie, you end up watching the rest of the day. Do you bless random people when they sneeze? Sometimes. Do you have a short temper? No. I get irritated quite easily, though. Do you like Sarah Dessen? Yeah, I’ve read a few of her books. Do you want to have children? If so, how many? No. Have you ever had a yard sale? No. Do you go to Barnes and Noble for books, the library or someplace else? I use the Kindle app, honestly. I have access to a ton of books. If I wanted a physical copy; though, I’d go to Barnes and Noble. Do you have an iPad? Nope. Are you scared to die? Yes. Do you go to church every Sunday? I watch the videos the church near me uploads every Sunday. Have you ever called one of those Hot Line numbers? No. I can’t believe those are still a thing. I see the commercials for them still. Do you think you draw well? Ha, no. I can’t draw for shit. Have you ever wanted to be a meteorologist? No. Do you like Taylor Swift? I’m not a fan.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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marketingatlightspeedreadin-blog · 6 years

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Games You Might Not Have Tried #11 – Find New Games – Extra Credits

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I sure hope you folks enjoy watching these as much as I like making ’em, because… I don’t know, these are fun! These episodes always take us a couple of months to put together, so by the time each one comes out, James has already got a new batch of games to recommend. Anyway! You know the drill. We don’t promise that all these games are good, just that they’re different.

Their design is interesting in some way, even if the most interesting thing about them is how they failed to achieve what they’re setting out to do. Anyway, enough talk. Have at you! Zero Time Dilemma. Years ago, we recommended 999 in one of these episodes. It’s been quite the journey since then, but now the franchise (or at least this chapter of it) is coming to a close, and the story is perhaps one of the best yet in the series. The graphics… not so much, but don’t let that deter you. This game may handily demonstrate just how much better 2D graphics can look, and that switching to 3D isn’t always the best choice, but, if you’ve followed the series so far, you owe it to yourself to finish this one out. And if you haven’t checked these games out yet, well, maybe get on that. Inside. We would be remiss if we didn’t mention this one.

Brought to you by the creators of Limbo, this is a dark and mysterious run through a puzzle-filled testing facility. James didn’t find it quite as compelling as Limbo, but it’s still a solid title, and the atmosphere alone is worth your time if you want to learn how to build that sort of oppressive feeling into your own games. Reverse Crawl. James just tore through this one. It’s one of those, “just one more battle” type games that’ll have you so sucked in that you won’t realize the sun is rising and, oops, you didn’t sleep. The really interesting thing about this game is that it takes the “Heroes of Might and Magic” or “Kings Bounty” formula, and does away with the exploration.

Now, that might sound terrible – James felt that way too, at first. I mean, exploration kind of seems like the lifeblood of those games. But by doing away with the exploration, Reverse Crawl is able to make the combat much tighter, with specifically designed encounters and a progression system that really makes the player consider what they want to be able to play with. Add to that the fact that the player can’t just barge into battle with a ridiculously broken combination of units, but instead has to pick from a wide variety of pre-made unit groupings for each encounter, and you get a tightly designed experience.

You can even beat it in one night if you don’t sleep. I don’t recommend it, but, I’m just saying, you could. ([evil laugh]) (And this, my distinguished gentlebots,) (is the new SteamWorld!) SteamWorld Heist. Since we’re talking strategy games, let’s talk about this pleasantly surprising little gem. This is a game that takes all the conventions of our isometric or top-down tactics games, and puts them on a 2D plane. And it works! It works because the designers considered how 2D might change the formula, what they might be able to do with the design in 2D that’d be harder in one of those other formats. And the conclusion they came to was to make you aim manually.

Yep, this is a tactics game like any other, but sort of like Valkyria Chronicles, when it comes time to shoot, you’ve gotta eyeball it. With no reticle to guide you, this makes variables like cover become a much more interesting and interactive element of the game than we saw even in games like XCOM. So, if you’re looking for a quirky tactics game, or even just like thinking about how we can push the formula, you might want to check out SteamWorld Heist. (And of course it all went according to plan…) Now, a whole lot of you asked if we could talk about some tablet and mobile games on one of these lists, so let me just throw a slew of those at you before we get back to the weird PC games. Let’s start with Galactic Keep. Galactic Keep is exactly what I always wanted a storybook adventure to be when I was young. It takes some of the work done in Steve Jackson’s excellent Sorcery series to the next level and really makes you feel like you’re playing a solo tabletop role-playing module.

Seriously. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more like I was at the Barrier Peaks without a GM screen on the table. Out There. This game has no combat, and yet, it is brutal. It’s a roguelike survival adventure where you are the last surviving member of humanity trying to make it home. Its vignettes are excellently written, but unlike most story driven games, you will not easily reach the end of this story. I think it’s the very fact that Out There presents a harsh universe where you will die time and again before ever being able to see one of its many endings that kept drawing James back. If you like sci-fi, if you like roguelikes, if you like narrative and are interested in a brutal challenge that never once involves firing a blaster, you better check this out.

Icebound Concordance. Speaking of writing, here is a game that is all about writing. Or rather, it’s all about rewriting. The game itself is a conversation with an AI built from the mind of a writer, and you are there to help it edit and rewrite its last book. That’s pretty interesting in its own right, but then you get to the real bit: the Icebound Compendium. If you’re willing to pony up $25 to pick up the companion book, you are in for something…

Novel. I can’t say much about the Compendium without spoiling things, but, suffice it to say that periodically throughout the game you will be prompted to search through the book for pages related to some of what’s going on on-screen. Then, the game will use your iPad camera to scan the pages and to make the book itself come to life. My only complaint here is that the book itself is poorly made. The cover fell off the binding of James’ copy before it even got through the mail. Of course, that’s a sample size of one James, so hopefully yours will be sturdier. (♪ This is the Guild of Dungeoneering,) (♪ On our quest, we’re never fearing…) The Guild of Dungeoneering.

This game is here simply as an example of what a difference platform can make. James found this to be a mediocre strategy title when he first played it on PC, but on a tablet, its lighter shorter sessions and more casual strategy experience really works. If you want a relaxing strategy game to play on the go, it’s worth trying. Really though, this game is worth buying for the songs alone. (♪ The Guild of Dungeoneering!) (♪ Curse and swear, but don’t despair,) (♪ The way out appears to be over there,) (♪ I think we’re lost, but what do we care?) (♪ The Guild of Dungeoneering!) Templar Battleforce.

I haven’t tried this game on PC, but the mobile version was exactly what James was looking for in a slightly more hardcore tactics game. If you want to play Space Hulk, but the actual modern Space Hulk video game didn’t cut it for you, get Templar Battleforce. It’s everything Space Hulk should be. It’s got an interesting class system, a varied advancement tree, multiple ways to customize units of the same class, and yet the levels are short enough to play on the go. Alright, that’s enough mobile games. Let’s return to the PC, and let’s get weird.

Cat Lady. We so rarely get to recommend adventure games, so I’m glad we get to talk about this piece of weirdness. There are a lot of counter-intuitive design decisions in this game: sometimes on purpose, sometimes as pitfalls of the old-school adventure game ethos, but if you’re looking for something surreal, creepy, and dark, Cat Lady has you covered. The art style perfectly fits the madness, feeling at times like Monty Python channeling Poe.

And the decision to do away with the mouse entirely in an old-school adventure game and streamline things by going with a keyboard interface alone? That’ll put you on a “Games You Might Not Have Tried” list. Fran Bow. We can’t talk about horror games without talking Fran Bow. If you want disturbing and strange, this game has it in spades, but it’s the ambiguity of this game that I love. I’ll try not to spoil anything, but let’s just say, the game leaves itself open for interpretation, and I think that’s great. Too often, horror stories try to explain all their nightmarish surreality, and in doing so, kill the horror. That’s not to say that horror stories shouldn’t make sense, but leaving your nightmare world as an ambiguous metaphor is often so much better than feeling like you have to tie up all the loose ends by saying something like, “See? It was a dream all along!” Fran Bow is an excellent example of this.

Killing Time at Lightspeed. I love the premise of this game. You’ve left Earth. You’re traveling away at light speed, but you can still see your Facebook feed. But here’s the catch: at relativistic speed, every time you hit refresh, a year has passed. You can touch base for one snapshot of everyone’s lives back home then it whirls past and time moves on – for them, if not for you. My only complaint is that most of the time, most of my friends back home simply talked about the news, and for me at least, that’s not how social networks work. That’s a big part of it to be sure, but it’s in the background of all the tiny day-to-day things that people post. I would have loved to have more emphasis on the personal, on the relationships of people and their daily lives, as that backdrop would have given the big events of the world that much more impact, seeing how they affected the people I loved even as I whipped away from them at the speed of light.

Anyway, neat game. Try it out. And finally, Quadrilateral Cowboy. What happens when you mix stealth capers with command line hacking and a PS1 visual aesthetic? Well, you get Quadrilateral Cowboy. Your mileage may vary with the art style, but there is something so cyberpunk about actually hooking up a computer to a jack and having to turn off a security laser with a series of semicolon delineated commands. Am I alone, though, in this making me long for a multiplayer game where one player plays the stealth action hero, and the other one plays their off-site hacker buddy? Like, unlocking the doors and shutting off security cameras in the nick of time with a command-line interface? That would be rad. Somebody, get on that. Anyway, I think that’ll do it for today. Thank you for watching; recommend some of your own weird favorites in the comments below, and we will see you next week..

For More Info : Visit Here : Light Speed Reading

#Reading speed test #Speed read test #Read faster #Read fast #Speed read #Mental Photography #reading at light speed

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tea-and-toblerones · 6 years

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Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum | A Unison One Shot

Happy Halloween guys! This is my all time favorite holiday and since you guys are so amazing you all deserve a treat!

RATED M FOR ALL THE SMUTTY SMUT YOU LOVE SO MUCH

"Aah, I love Halloween!"

I was standing in the middle of the store, ripping off the mask I had been modeling, tossing it aside in the jumbled mess of fallen apparel. We had been digging through the racks of clothes for at least an hour trying to find the perfect costume. Well I had been digging through them. Once Ed had realised that I turned into a tornado sweeping through the store, he stood back and let me do my thing. He could tell I was enjoying myself trying on random costumes, modeling them in ridiculous way. He even slipped on some crazy wigs, with me, both of us cackling at how ridiculous we look. He slipped away as I was practically swallowed by costumes.

"Hey, Adi, how about this one?"

He held up a simple pirate costume. The shirt was an antique cream color long, and with a square cut neckline that was low but not too low, with off the shoulder sleeves that were long and flowing, little strings around the cuffs to keep them above the hands. A brown leather corset that went over top that would settle right under my breasts and black leather pants. His other hand held the stereotypical pirate hat and a dark red bandana. I look it up and down carefully, keeping my face as expressionless as possible.

"That one huh?" I cock one eyebrow up, folding my arms across my chest.

He looked down at it "Well, yeah, I thought you had the look...y'know...the swagger and the fierce attitude...and you like rum..." He trailed off, lowering the costume, looking slightly downtrodden. "If you don't like it I can find something else..."

I walk over to him, putting my hand under his chin, lifting his head so he was looking me in the face. I let a smirk cross my face, scruffing his facial hair a bit as I did so. "How did you know it was my secret ambition to be a pirate?"I give him a hug, kissing him on the cheek. "I fucking love it Teddy." His face lit up, breathing a sigh of relief. I take the costume out of his hands holding it to my body for a size comparison. I should have known he'd pick the right size. "Yknow this might be the first time this scar actually comes in handy. It'll definitely add to the look."

"Do you need any boots to go with it? We can run to the shoe store if you need to."

Bless this boy. Willing to not only go shopping for costumes, but actually suggests we go shoe shopping as well.

"I've got some boots that will go perfect with it. You've done suffered enough for today."

"Hey, I had fun too. Besides seeing you enjoy yourself isn't suffering, love."

There was no denying I had fun. Costume shopping was the last thing we did before heading home. After Ed found out just how much I loved Halloween and fall in general, he suggested we take a day to some fall activities. We had spent the morning stumbling our way through a corn maze, laughing hand in hand. After we managed to find our way out, we headed to the pumpkin patch. "Adi, if you can't carry it by yourself it's too big!" The patch filled his his laughter as I struggled to haul the biggest pumpkin I could find up to the attendant. He must have resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to be able to talk me out of it and came to help me, still laughing. I found out afterwards he had snapped a picture. The image of me with my arms around a giant pumpkin with the biggest smile on my face was his ipad background for weeks. After our pumpkin adventure we went and stocked up on candy. He stared in amazement as I chucked bag after bag of candy corn in our basket "Wait, you actually like this shit? It's like chewing a poorly flavored candle." I pouted, tossing in a couple bags of gummies in when he wasn't looking so he'd have something to enjoy as well.

We made it back to my apartment and started unloading our day's haul. I grabbed all the bags, while Ed wrestled with the pumpkin I had jokingly named Lucile. I hurried ahead of him to unlock my door so he wouldn't have to stand and wait for me to fumble for my keys. I dropped the bags beside my couch, rushing back out to help him with the large gourd. He deposits it on my kitchen table.

"So, you know what you're going to carve yet?"

"Well, I had thought it was something we could do together so I hadn't really settled on anything yet."

A smile crossed his face "Really? I'm not great at carving, so it might come out looking poorly and I don't want to mess it up."

I wander over to my catch all drawer in my kitchen, digging through until I find what i'm looking for. I pull out the same kit I had used the year before and showed it to him.

"Stick and cut technology my dear. Makes it a lot harder to mess up. There's no way I'd be able to do it without it. I can't even draw a line."

I pass him the book, letting him flip through it as I start unpacking the bags. He chuckled at a couple of them, finally pausing at one.

"How 'bout this one?"

He passes the book back to me. I take it looking it over, laughing. He had to have picked the most complicated one in the book, a creepy looking demon face. It was the one I was planning on doing the year before but ended up picking a castle with bats instead.

"For someone who was worried about messing it up, you picked the hardest one out of all them."

"Didn't you say you liked a challenge?" That eyebrow coming up.

We spent the afternoon elbow deep in pumpkin guts. I had let Ed do majority of the actual carving. His face was a perfect display of sexy concentration. His brow furroughed, his tongue just peaking out from between those gorgeous lips. I had gathered all the seeds, rinsed them off, baked them and were currently cooling on the stovetop. I had put in Silent Hill to watch as we worked. That's when I found out Ed was not a fan of the horror genre. "Jesus fuck, those things came out of nowhere! Movies are supposed to be relaxing. How can I enjoy myself when I'm constantly on edge wondering when the nex- oh fucking hell!"

Once the movie was finished, our freshly carved pumpkin flickering on my countertop, and a big dent taken out of our candy supply, I decide to try on my costume. The party wasn't until next friday but I wanted to make sure I didn't have to return it for whatever reason. Ed had decided to sit this party out, not wanting to cause a scene at my place of work. I slip the shirt on, adjusting the top of it until it fit the way I wanted. I added the corset, luckily it was just a zip on, not an actual corset so I could handle it on my own. The pants fit perfectly, almost like a second skin. I turn in the mirror, looking myself over. Damn, he sure picked a great costume. I add my knee high stilleto boots, bandana and hat before walking out into the living room.

"Well, what do you think of your choice?"

Ed's mouth fell open slightly. His eyes traveled over my body, gleaming with lust. I did a little twirl to show off the ensemble. By the time I had turned back in his direction he had closed the distance between us. His tongue running over those gorgeous pink lips. "Give me your booty, matey" His voice low and sultry. His hands came up, squeezing my ass. A lascivious grin spreading across his face as he did so. "You look so fucking sexy."

His mouth came to mine in an hungry wanton way. I pressed myself into him, revelling in the hardness that I could feel pressing against my hips. He tore his lips from mine, moving down to my neck. His tongue gliding across my skin, soft as silk, paired with the roughness of his facial hair was almost a sensory overload. His teeth made contact with my neck, pulling my sensitive skin into his mouth. I moan angling my head back so he had better access. He answered with hot, wet kisses, trailing from my pulse to my collarbone. I thread my hands through those luscious lock as he worked his way down.

"Oh fuck me..."

I felt his hands come back to my ass, this time lifting me up. I quickly wrap my legs around him. His mouth on mine again, more frantic than before. I could feel his need flowing into me, only adding fuel to the fire that was already raging within me. His fingers digging into my ass as he walked us toward my bedroom. The bed was suddenly at my back, his frame was hovering over me, placing more kisses on my neck. He tossed his glasses aside, clattering against the floor. His knee came up between my legs, spreading them slightly apart. His fingers coming down rubbing me outside my pants, causing me to moan and push myself against his hand, which only made him tease me more. I reach up and run my hands under the dark blue sweater he was wearing, savoring the feel of his chest, noticing that his skin was even hotter than my own. He grabbed the sweater, yanking it over his head, throwing it aside. He ripped my corset open in one quick fluid motion, yet careful enough not to damage it. I shrug my way out of it, shoving it off to the side. He pulled my shirt up over my head, unclasped my bra taking a moment to marvel over my naked torso before finding my mouth once again.

I unbuckle his belt, unbutton his pants and push them down. He kicks them off, I hear the dull thud of the belt hitting the floor. He mouth moves from my own, to my neck, pausing only when he reaches my breasts. He takes my left nipple in his mouth, while teasing the right with his fingers. The combination of the hot wetness of his mouth and the gentle bite causes my back to arch. He switches to the right, doing the same thing. His tongue flicking, his mouth sucking, teeth grazing, it was all so much that I hadn't noticed his hand had left my nipple until it slid under my panties, his fingers tracing my slit.

"Mmm, already so fucking wet, you're almost dripping for me." He dipped a finger inside, causing me to moan even louder. "That's my girl, your moans drive me wild." He slid another finger into me.

"Ah, fucking, yes, Teddy, fuck"

He nipped and sucked his way down my body, all while finger fucking me into oblivion. I roll my hips into his hand, helping him hit the right spots. When his mouth reached the top of my pants he withdrew his fingers to untie them. I raise my hips off the bed to make it easier for him to pull them down. He realised I'm still wearing my boots so he yanks them off, throwing them off somewhere towards my closet. My pants and my already soaked through panties were next, flung to some far off corner of my room. He looked down on me, his gaze almost primal.

"Fucking hell, you are a vision, laid out on display, just for me. I can't get a fucking enough."

He throws my legs over his shoulders, biting his way up my thighs. His tongue pressing against my opening, causing me to whimper in anticipation. My body stiffening when he drug his tongue slowly through the slickness that had gathered. I moan loudly once his tongue flicks across my clit. As he suckled and massaged it with his tonuge, I began gyrating my hips, essentially fucking his face. I could feel his fingers digging into my flesh of my thighs as he pulled me even closer. I could feel my release nearing, I grab ahold of his hair, my hips moving faster, his mouth moving at a faster pace to help me along.

It hit me like a bolt of lightening, the warmth rushing through my body, my walls spasming, my cry's filling the room. His tongue flicking over me a couple more times, causing me to jump due to over stimulation before he raised his head.

"I'm no where near done with you yet." He growled, a fire burning behind those bright blue eyes.

He slid his boxers off, lining his cock up with my opening. The head running through my wetness, slowly, tantalizingly slow. His eyes locked with mine, his expression so sexy it had to be sinful. His lips curling in a lewd smirk as he watched my need for him grow. Jumping every time his head brushed against my bundle of nerves. Finally I can't take it anymore.

"Teddy, Teddy, Please I need you."

That was all he needed to hear. I felt the familiar burn as he entered me. He went slowly for the first stroke or two before his speed intensified His thrusts weren't the normal controlled ones I was used to. These were faster, more frenzied and rougher than they normally were. I quickly match his pace and rhythm, my hands gripping his shoulders. His eyes were closed, his hair stuck to his sweaty forehead, the sounds coming from him were so so sexy and so deliciously sinful.

"God, I love fucking your pussy. It's so fucking tight and so wet, fuck you're always wet for me."

I had never seen him in this state. He was usually so controlled and caring but this was different. It was like he had given over to his basic need and it was fucking hot. He had quickly brought me right back to the edge again. His head dipped back down to my neck, biting harder this time, chuckling when I cried his name out, my cries for more spurring him on even more. My hands grabbing his perfect ass, my nails sinking into it. His eyes were still squeezed closed, those primal grunts still spilling out of his mouth, along with the occasional swear.

"God, I'm so close Teddy."

He must have known, I could feel my walls tightening around him in mini spasms. His thumb came down, pressing down on my clit. Slowly he moved his thumb side to side, maintaining the same steady pressure. Stars exploding in my vision as I came, the fire flowing through my veins. The swears that stumbled out of his mouth spurred me farther along. His free hand tangled in my hair. He thrusts a couple more times, chasing his release. I feel his cock twitch within me and a look of panic flash across his face, pulling out last minute, spilling his seed on my stomach and bed.

"Oh fuck, I'm so sorry Adi, I got carried away. Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I?"

There was the Teddy I knew. The concern behind his eyes, his hand coming up to brush the wisps of hair that had stuck to my sweat covered forehead. He collapsed down beside me, our breathing still elevated. Since I already had to wash my sheets, I snag my sheet and use to to wipe off my stomach, balling it up and kicking it off the bed. I turn my body towards him pressing my lips against his forehead. His arm came around me pulling me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest, taking in the sound of his frantic heartbeat, savoring the fact that I was the cause of it.

"That was amazing Teddy and no, I'm fine. I promise." I stick my pinky out, causing him to laugh, wrapping his own around mine. My hand tracing the outline of his tattooes. We lay in silence for a few minutes until Ed finally broke it

"So I have to ask, why is it your secret ambition to be a pirate?"

"Well, lots of reasons, but mostly the freedom that comes with it. Not having to follow anyone's orders. Life on the open sea. Waking up everyday to the fresh salt air. Going where you want, when you want. Plus drinking rum under the night sky? Who wouldn't want that?"

He laughed "You're really something, you know that? I can't wait to discover what other dreams you have, love. "

#ed sheeran #teddy sheeran #ed sheeran fanfic #code ginger #ed sheeran one shot #one shot #ed sheeran smut #smut #smut one shot

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kelmcdonald · 6 years

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A Year in Review 2017

New Post has been published on http://sorcery101.net/news/a-year-in-review-2017/

A Year in Review 2017

Hi everyone,

So it’s the end of the year. I have been looking back over the year to make my goals for next year. Last year I posted my goals on Patreon for the highest backer level. It’s a level that no one ever backed at. I don’t know if the price was too high or just general lack of interest. But I liked writing those posts so as long as I have time, I think I’ll start posted some edited versions of them free on my site each month. Before I started doing that I thought I’d post a public behind the scenes wrap up.

2017 was rough and exhausting. That’s true for a lot of people.

I tried to stick to my professional and personal goals anyway. I also tried a few experiments to see how things would work out.

Last year, I had a few business/income related goals. I wanted to focus on building my Patreon, my newsletter, and my store. I wanted to get rid of ads and do less cons. Ads are ugly and hard to track down bad ones. Cons I want to do less of because they are exhausting to me. I don’t think I’ve ever got creative burn out but I definitely get hussle/promo burn out. It’s been taking me longer and longer to recover from cons. So anywhere that I can get money which isn’t from cons if great.

A lot of my site redesign was to push those things.

My newletter is I think the most successful of those goals. I got a good few hundred folks signing up from my website and a bunch of folks signing up after my kickstarter. Next year I’m gonna try to focus on making it better. I few people asked for highlights from the blog here as well as promo. But I’m still taking suggestions if anyone wants to leave them in the comic. Right now it’s just promo but if I don’t have promo that month I end up not knowing what to write.

The shop getting pushed more, I think it did better than last year but I haven’t crunched the numbers yet.

Patreon didn’t go very well this year. I wanted to get more patrons there to mostly get rid of ads. I ended up making less money on patreon than before. I used to charge weekly and thought switching to monthly would help get more people on board, but I never ended up attracting enough people to make up for the difference. I tired a few different things like business posts like this one, sketch requests, and streams. At first I was posting my early comics in a big PDF but then was told more frequent posts get peoples attention more. I also tried to post more art on there. None of those really enticed people to jump on. I don’t know if people just don’t like my stuff. If I’m just not cut out for promoting a long term thing rather just doing a focused push for one big project. Either way I’m feeling pretty discouraged and after last weeks debacle with the fee change is leaving me kinda sour on Patreon. In 2018 I’m gonna try to focus on other stuff that might pay off more.

I was looking for more work from publishers and companies in 2017 too. Or more working smarter not harder with companies. That didn’t pay off in 2017 but it get me some cool stuff lined up for 2018.

But for now it looks like I’m gonna still be hitting up 10 or more cons a year.

On the somewhat creative goal and somewhat personal, I spent a lot of of this year making sure I kept up with my comic reading. It can be easy to not keep up with reading new comics and know what is out there when you are busy trying to make comics. I buy most of my comics at conventions but I got an ipad pro to be a portable digital drawing tool so I’ve been reading a lot of manga on that. But here’s some high stuff I really enjoyed and will probably write about on my blog over the coarse of next year. I read them this year but they didn’t all come out this year. The webcomics I’m just gonna link cause they are free to read but I usually just read the print collections when it comes to webcomics. So when I say I read them this year I mean the print collection.

Wilde Life by Pascalle Lepas

Agents of the Realm by Mildred Louis

The Meek by Der-shing Helmer

Feywinds by Nicole Chartrand

Check Please by Ngozi Ukazu

O Human Star by Blue Delliquanti

A Silent Voice by Yoshitoki Ōima which is about a guy trying to get forgiveness from the deaf girl he bullied in elementary school. It’s very intense and grips with complicated questions about who gets forgiven and who decides who gets that forgiveness.

Monstress by Marijorie liu and Sana Takeda. It’s a fantasy epic that is set in a matriarchal setting where magical humanoid creatures and sorceresses are at war. The main character is trying to learn more about an elder god type thing that has taken over her arm. It’s gorgeous and complicated and female focused. This might be my favorite comic right now.

Fun Family by Ben Frisch. I picked this up because I went to college which Ben. Fun Family is a fictional behind the scenes of Family Circus. It kinda odd but I liked it because it explores how a simple wholesome comic like Family Circus can be comforting when your home life is falling apart.

Dragon Ball by Akira Toriyama. I don’t got to tell you all what Dragon Ball is about. But I read it for the first time and really liked it. I had only seen the anime before this. It was interesting to see the source material. I thought it was a lot of fun.

Parasyte by Hitoshi Iwaki. Most anime fans know about this one too but again I read it this year. For you none anime fans alien parasites take over human hosts and replace their heads. The main character gets his hand taken over instead and he has to work with the parasite to hide from both humans and parasites. It’s an interesting mix of body horror and exploring morality.

My Hero Academia by Kohei Horikoshi. It’s about a superhero school in world where more people have superpowers and being a superhero is partly being a celebrity and partly a government job.

Space Battle Lunch Time by Natalie Riess. It’s about a cooking reality tv show in space. I was a lot of fun and very cute. It does a good job of having multiple rounds of cooking contests without getting repetitive. The main character is super charming.

Moonlighters by Katie Schenkel and Cal Moray. An all ages comic about werewolves doing magical odd jobs on their college campus.

Soupy Leave Home by Cecil Castellucci and Jose Pimenta. I picked this up because I introduced Cecil and Jose to each other. Their book is really good. It’s about a girl who disguises herself as a boy so she can run away to ride the rails as a hobo during the great depression. It’s bitter sweet and does an excellent job showing the relationship build between Soupy and her mentor on the rails.

I also liked Castoffs by MK Reed, Brain Smith, and Molly Ostertag and Letters for Lucardo by Noora Heikkilä but those both are only at volume 1 and I feel like the stuff that I’ll really want to talk about will probably happen in volume 2. My reading list is organized shortest to longest and so some have been on there for awhile. For 2018 far it’s:

As the Crow Flies by Melanie Gilman

Not Drunk Enough by Tess Stone

The Fifth Beatle by Vivek Tiwary, Kyle Baker, and Andrew C. Robinson

Vattu vol 2 by Evan Dahm

The Last Halloween by Abby Howard

East of West year 2 by Jonathan Hichman and Nick Dragotta

Drive by Dave Kellet

The Less than Epic Adventures of TJ and Amal by EK Weaver

I Am Hero by Shinsuke Sato

If you all got recommendations I’m open to em. I think it’s important to read comic if you want to improve. So while I am gearing up for my next big project I wanted to make sure knew what was out there. I have been writing about them on Patreon but I’m gonna start posting them publicly. Writing about the stuff I like is just to help me articulate what I’m looking for in stories and be more deliberate in the future. I’m intentionally not reading Marvel and DC though. So if you suggest stuff from them I’ll probably pass.

And then here are more general personal goals and experiments.

I got really unhealthy while working on Misfits of Avalon because juggling two comics isn’t super smart when when has a hard deadline. There were a few months while working on it where I basically drank ALL THE REDBULL to finish on time. I also gained 20 lbs while working on it. So a lot of 2017 was me trying to undo the damage caused by overworking.

I don’t pay a lot of attention to my weight and mostly noticed because I got faced with the choice of lose weight or buy new clothes. Excising takes more work but is cheaper. So I started biking 3 times a week and used the biking version of couch to 5k to improve. I mostly stuck with it because MK Reed was my biking buddy. We fell off a few times when con season got hectic. Then because of con season I tried to think of something that is easier to do while away. So in October after all my cons were done I gave jogging a try. I wanted to die and my throat was closing up. I couldn’t finish even half of what couch to 5k tells you to do the first day. I thought maybe I’d improve. But after no improvement for a month I went to the doctor. Turns out my lungs are all fucked up and I just didn’t know it because that was how I always breathed. Doctor gave me an inhaler which helped with running so now I can completely the first day of the program, but my none running breathing is still not as good as it should be. So I just got a different inhaler that is supposed to help with that. Otherwise I might have some expensive medical tests coming up. So fingers crossed that everything is fine.

I also tried to do some push ups at the beginning of the year. I started by doing them off my counter and then moved lower to the arm rest of my couch. But I was apparently doing them wrong so I never successfully got to doing push ups off the floor. Building muscle strength might be something I need more help with than cardio.

And while running sucks honestly the hardest thing to do was fix how bad my caffeine addiction got. I mentioned above that I drank a lot of Redbull when Misfit of Avalon deadlines got tight. Well, when I went to C2E2 last year, the time it took me to wake up, go to the airport, fly to Chicago, and get to where I was staying gave me a withdrawal headache. So less than 24 hours. I still had 2-3 months of work to do on Misfits but I made a self note that this is a problem I needed to deal with once finished. So I turned in my pages that June. Then I quit caffeine cold turkey because I’m very bad at cutting back on things. It was a miserable two weeks. But by the time SDCC rolled around I could get through a con day with only one cup (as opposed to like 6 cups).

So for health stuff in 2018, I’m gonna try to keep up the jogging and biking. Figure out what is up with my lungs. And try to get help on the upper body strength that I am lacking.

#business stuff

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theslayover · 5 years

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A typical day at MIA

After a hectic 48 hours back in Miami to visit a sick relative, I have a 6:21 p.m. flight back to San Francisco. At 4pm my mother- who is stressed from work and having her mother-in-law in the hospital for a myriad of symptoms that could only make sense in an episode of House- decides the dishes in the sink need to be cleaned. And the counter cleaned. And the magazines arranged. I help where I can but try not to push the woman, whose (and I preface this with my mom is the best mom ever) fuse is so short when she’s stressed it’s almost mythical.

We finally leave around 4:25pm. The normally 20 minute journey is now between 30 and 40 minutes, apparently because they’ve closed one highway, there’s going to be a basketball game, and because Miami cannot go a day without at least 57 accidents. I wouldn’t generally care but in the back of my mind I’m slightly concerned as my roll-aboard is full of precious cargo: malanga and calabaza that I need for my abuela’s famous caldo recipe and that I cannot get in San Francisco. I can’t imagine I’m violating some random agricultural rule but #Florida.

Using a combination of Waze, Google maps, my mother’s incorrect intuition and prayers we finally make it to the airport after 5:00pm and my flight boards at 5:40pm. On top of it all, I really wanted to get a cup of coffee before the flight. This sounds like a 1st world problem, however:

1) I had a lot of work to do and needed to make the most of the 6-hour flight.

2) Airplane coffee tastes like a young coffee who had all his hopes and dreams in front of him until his parents died and he ended up in the foster system, bounced around house to house cared for by people who only saw him as a paycheck, and then eventually turned to a life of gang violence and drugs.

I try not to be too stressed, reminding myself that I have both CLEAR and TSA pre-check.

I run to the security checkpoint and wiz through with CLEAR. No problem. Then the associate informs me that pre-check is closed. It’s 5 goddam pm. The airport is mobbed, why? I’m handed a blue card that allows me to keep my shoes on through security but for the most part I’m stuck in the long, regular security line with throngs of people, all whom from their behavior I can only assume have never flown before. I feel rage surge inside me and think how Miami is a 3rd world country when it comes to logistics. But no, Lauren. You meditated today. You practice A Course in Miracles. How can you judge this way? I breathe deeply and repeat today’s mantra and tell myself it’ll be ok.

The gentleman next to go through the metal detector steps through. BEEP BEEP BEEP goes the machine. He forgot to take off his belt. For fuck’s sake. He strips it and steps through and BEEP BEEP BEEP I hear again. His wallet. Blessed be. He steps through once more and BEEP BEEP BEEP. The security guard lets him through. Wait what. A mixture of relief and alarm rush over me at once. Please tell me what they missed wasn’t a concealed weapon in his boxers. It’s 5:20pm.

The next gentleman goes through and BEEP BEEP BEEP. My metaphysical ears bleed.

I finally make it past all the First Time Flying Club’s members and a Portuguese family of 4 who have every iPad and child electronic imaginable, set my bags on the x-ray, tear out my laptop- one of the cons of Diet Pre-check- and I go through the metal detector. I set the fucking thing off. Thanks Cartier Love bracelet. I tell the confused TSA associate the bracelet is literally screwed onto my wrist (I feel so stupid saying this aloud...this is why women make less) and make my way to the higher security machine. I make it through without a hitch and run to the conveyor with my bags in time to see the man running the X-Ray pull my roll-aboard to the side for a bag check. Of course. It’s just before 5:30pm and I stand in silent horror as the man who is to perform bag searches decides to pick up every bin off of the conveyors before conducting the search. But I know better than to rush him, as then he’ll also decide to go back to school and get a medical degree before helping me.

He finally decides it’s time to actually make sure my bag doesn’t have a bomb in it. I walk over to the examination area and anxiously wait as he open my suitcase. He unzips the side area inside my Away bag and he pulls out a bag of coffee. Oh. That’s what set off the alarm. Of course. But as he’s pulling it out he sees the calabaza. I explain to him in Spanish “It’s calabaza and I need it for my grandmother’s caldo recipe,” have laughing half pleaing (please God not the calabaza). He seems pretty un-phased. He goes to search the other side of my bag, saying the machine saw something else solid. “Pan?” (bread) he asks. But then he finds the malanga. “You’re taking all of Miami back with you!” he says. “It’s for my grandmother’s recipe, I can’t find this in San Francisco, Mexicans don’t really cook with malanga!” I exclaim. He places the malanga back in my suitcase, looks at me seriously and says “I bet Mexicans have never seen a malanga.” I didn’t have time to contemplate the strange cultural burn. I thanked him profusely and dashed to my next stop. 5:35pm.

I get to the Starbucks line, which is blessedly short. Three people head of my and about 5 minutes till boarding. The next person approaches the register and places an order, and the cashier gives them the total. The person looks at the cashier, seemingly surprised that they have to pay and only then starts to rifle through their bags looking for a wallet.

It’s always been pet peeve for my father and I when a person will stand in and go through an entire line and only after ordering do they start to look for money. I can’t stand wasting people’s time and you think at an airport this would be less common but this is MIA, and it’s clearly everyone’s first time flying.

I make it to the gate just at the start of pre-boarding (because nothing is on time in Miami), at about 5:45. I walk onto the plane panting, coffee and bags in hand. I think of all those photos of celebrities and influencers who travel through airports looking so adorable. Do they actually look like that, or do they take stock photos at various airports and just load them when they go on a trip?

The pilot’s voice on the PA interrupts my #lifehack idea: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are already to take off here but we’ve just been alerted that someone must have removed one of the covers of the floor emergency exit signs, and the bulb has also been destroyed. We are contacting Maintenance now and will be back to you shortly with a fix update. As you know with the latest airline incidents (thank Boeing) we are all being extra cautious.”

I’m overtaken by mixture of laughter and disbelief; thoughts raced through my head:

“Of course after all that, we ‘d be delayed anyway.”

“This has got to be the craziest reason for a delay I’ve experienced”

“I’m pretty sure if we are going down, my inability to find one of the 40 emergency exit signs will not save us.”

“This might be the first time I could understand anything the pilot said over the PA.”

Passengers start to deplane, anxious to get on a different flight in hopes of making connections or at least to yell at gate agents, who will undoubtedly out IDGAF them 10:1.

After texting and sharing a few laughs with family and friends via text, I decide I might as well start working so I can get most of it out of the way before I get too tired. I reach for my backpack to take out my laptop- and realize I’ve left it at security.

Being a veteran of pre-check I NEVER take my laptop out of my bag anymore. With the scare of getting my roll-aboard searched, I forgot to replace it after it came out of the X-Ray. I run to the front of the plane and tell the flight attendants I don’t want to cancel this flight but only need to grab my laptop. Thankfully since people were deplaning anyway, I was able to get off.

I raced down the terminal, the sound of my flip flops drawing stares and snickers as they watched a small woman in a maxi dress race across a terminal. Of course my gate was the farthest. I got to security gasping for air. Through my lungs loudly fighting for life, I explained to the TSA agents my plight. They had my laptop and let it go before I managed to log into it, I suppose they figured no one would purposely steal a 12 pound, soiled HP.

I raced back down the terminal and gasping even more loudly, got back onto the plane. My seatmate saw me and gave me a silent “yay!” as I walked down the aisle. I plopped myself ever so gracelessly onto the seat, breathing (panting) a sigh of relief. The pilot’s voice comes back over the PA: “ladies and gentlemen, I really apologize but we don’t know how long it’s going to be, so we are going to go ahead and deplane.” Motherfuck.

The rest of the evening consisted of other fun things like finding out that all the other United planes at the airport were some other type of Boeing, and our plane had a slightly different size of emergency exit cover, finally bumming one off an American Airlines plane (the one good thing that airline has ever done for me), and then taking off 2 and 1/2 hours later.

This sounds like a crazy, stressful day and it kind of was. But in situations like these I’ve found that when you find yourself stressing and adamant that something has to work a certain way, and your actions become reactive, anxious and impatient, that’s when things really go wrong. Being worked up has made me forget things (like my laptop), gotten me into fender benders, arguments and in the end, nowhere. Even in times when I’ve gotten what I wanted after seemingly swimming against the universe’s current, it’s never been as good as I thought.

When you think of it, if the plane hadn’t been delayed, I would’ve realized the laptop was missing when we are already in the air. There was no WiFi on that flight (ah United), so I would’ve been fit to be tied for SIX HOURS not being able to work on the presentation for the next day, not being able to tell anyone, wondering if it was stolen etc. My mom’s and my drive to the airport was stressful navigating and we didn’t really get to enjoy our last moments together.

So if my crazy/ funny story can help you take a step back before your brain Hulk’s out, my job here is done. And when you feel ready to see how enlightened you are, make sure you fly out of Miami.

#slayover #consultinglife #miami #unitedairlines #travel

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dearnormajean · 3 years

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I rise up

dear norma jean,

I have not forgotten you, but I have let myself fall and almost forgot how to get back up. I am doing better now. It’s a process, that doesn’t come with instructions, so I will fall. I just have to remember to get back up again. Another reminder is that to ask for help, and share my vulnerabilities with those I trust, does not make me weak. Living with this on my own does.

Last Friday was my last session with my therapist before she leaves for her 3 month maternity leave (which of course could be longer depending on myriad of things). While I am so happy for her new adventure in life, I am also worried about how I will handle my mental health needs. I've spent about a week coming up with a plan. One awesome thing about anxiety is that you can think of every scenario that may ever come up. I set up some stuff in place, and I felt pretty darn proud of myself, when my therapist seemed impressed with my growth. Last time, when she went to away for her PhD, I was pretty nonchalant. I mean, I survived 35+ years without her. Yeah, surviving is what I am good at, but was I thriving? Anyway, that's where I have been. I have been reading so you don't you all worry. If I can’t read, then I know I'm in trouble. Reading gets me through a lot. It anchors my mind and soul.

I have been taking free courses in journaling, mindfulness, guided mediations, nature talks, history lectures, Black studies, support groups, book events and book clubs. I am hoping to gain resources to help me in my time away from my therapist. I want to take this time to take all that we have discusses, the resources she has given me and pair it up with creativity. I want to have purpose. I feel like most of my life I have drifted to things, or forced myself away from things that may look too flighty or even talked myself out of things because I think I will fail before I even try. In doing so, I may have missed out on my purpose. But it is never too late, and I am going to be honest with what I want for myself, and if I fail...I fail. How someone sees me is not my worth or my problem. I already have me to deal with, and that’s enough right there.

Soooooo, look what I also did! I have organized myself....and am hoping I can get into a routine. I read somewhere it takes 8 weeks to form a habit (I also could have heard myself saying to myself, and thinking it's a thing). I feel like I wait for January to get myself sorted, and when I don't I just get overwhelmed and hard on myself. I tend to not pick myself up again. It is June, the halfway mark to the year, a start of my hot girls who write and read summer.

At the top of the pile - with a salmon pinky-orange - is my writing journal. I am making it a priority to write. Whether it's poetry, personal essays, a short story, I want to make writing an important part of my life again. In my teens, I wrote every day. I have some of the stuff I wrote, but most I threw away deeming it unworthy. Fun fact about me - I liked to write creep horror stories. One of my first stories I wrote was about a hitchhiking ghost. I really wish I would have kept that. I am going to be working on poetry a lot. It's something that I thought I was horrible at, and seemed so diva-ish, I never really wanted to do it. Yet, I wrote a lot of poems, many on the fly. Hearing feedback on it, I might actually be a poet. I remember my two creative writing teachers in college, really pushed me to send my work out. I sent it to one, got a rejection, and was ready to kill that part of me. I also became so focused on finding my purpose in life, career wise, I kind of missed that this may be one part of it. I have been published in an online magazine and print, so I am not sure why my self doubt creeps in so bad. I will keep you all posted as motivation for me to keep going.

The sassy hot pink journal is actually my notebook of whatever. I am bad at remembering stuff and lists. I put it on stickies and forget where I stuck it, and have piles of paper neatly stacked so I never get to it. I try not to be on my phone, and I hate taking notes on it so this is my "remember this shit, Kris" book. Also, taking down rough notes to put in a more cohesive way later.

The longer pink notebook is my journaling - mental health/nature/faith. I am hoping to get into expressive journaling that can help me release my thoughts, and hopefully also get my creative juices flowing. I have a sketch book as well to do some drawings

The last, but definitely not the least, and the one you may be interested in is my reading journal. In there are my goals, challenges, book clubs, book events, books I come across, recommendations from others. I won't be putting reviews in there as I have this and Goodreads, but it is more my personal goals on reading. I will take some pictures to show on here, but my phone is being very dramatic about the amount of "space" I use - which I don't think is much. I forget that my mini iPad has a camera so I will take some shots with it to show you what I am doing. It's not super fancy, but I wanted to dip my toe in. I am a perfectionist. You would not think that of me, but I am. I tend to not do things because I think I will fail or I won't be good enough. I see other people with reading journals that look soooooo amazing, and then look at my washabi tape all crooked and ask why I bother. For the next twelve months I am going on a journey of self-compassion. I want to invite you on that journey with me, but no pressure if that is too much for you. One lesson I have learned from my therapist is that I may be too much for some people, and that’s okay, because for others I am enough. I will be putting up my boundaries and working on my anger that shows up as resentment and trauma.

Just to warn you about triggers...I will be discussing my anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, childhood trauma, domestic violence (as witness and survivor) and there are two more that I am not ready to be public with...yet. I will be doing some of my writing on here, especially poetry. I will try to be mindful of triggers and post warnings.

If you took the time to read to this point, thank you. You have helped me be open and honest to the world and get to an authentic self. I am broken, but I can heal and mend.

#mentalhealth #anxitey #ocd tw #depression #writing #journaling #therapy

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torentialtribute · 5 years

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Sky Bet EFL Q&A: MK Dons striker Kieran Agard

After making his Premier League debut for Everton just two months past his 20th birthday, Kieran Agard might have expected that his football journey would have been more straightforward than loans at Peterborough and Kilmarnock before a season at Yeovil.

Now 29, it took the likeable Agard three more years before a move to Rotherham clicked him into gear as a prolific lower league striker, next with Bristol City and for the past three seasons with MK Dons.

His next goal will be the 100th of his career and allow him entry into a club where his idol Ian Wright already resides

Agard's 21 goals this season have helped MK Down into the automatic promotion places in League Two.

He is the subject of this week's Sky Bet EFL Q&A, paying homage to his nan's jerk chicken , recalling with horror his initiation song at Bristol City and revealing that his mixed heritage makes him eligible for four different international sides.

MK Dons striker Kieran Agard has opened about his life on the pitch

Describe yourself on the pitch in three words.

Goals. Speed. Effort.

Describe yourself off the pitch in three words.

Smiling. Family. Relaxed.

Best moment of your career so far?

When I made my Premier League debut for Everton. That was as a substitute. I came on Louis Saha against Chelsea at Stamford Bridge (in a 3-3 draw in December 2009). I was 20 at the time. I thought that was it for me from then on. I came on just before injury time, so I only played six or seven minutes.

I got on the pitch and I was just buzzing. I remember going in for a tackle with Ashley Cole. It was a nice hard challenge and I thought: "Flipping hell!"

I had friends there, but because I was on the bench quite a lot that season and hadn't got on, it was typical that my mum wasn't there that day. But she was the first one to know. She was ringing me after the game, so I had loads of missed calls from her.

I had a long way to establish myself after that game. I was released by Everton. I went to Yeovil for a year which seemed a long way from that Premier League debut. Then I left there and went to Rotherham for two years which was where I really started playing and scoring goals. We had back-to-back promotions, so my career really started to kick off.

The League One play-off final against Orient is up there as a moment as well (a 2-2 draw with Rotherham winning on penalties in May 2014). An amazing experience, especially coming from 2-0 down as well and then being behind in the penalty shootout. I took our first penalty and score.

It's funny because one of the lads who was at Leyton Orient at the time is here with me at MK Dons now, Mathieu Baudry, so I always banter him about it and he

Who is the hardest opponent you have faced?

After that tackle on my debut, I'd probably say Ashley Cole. Before I knew it, I was in a 50-50 with him. That was a big wake up call, that's the Premier League and it's going to be like that. That sticks with you.

It's a big call for him to drop down to the Championship, but he's had a fantastic career and he's obviously a legend.

Chelsea legend Ashley Cole provided Agard with a" big wake up call "when he faced him

Most embarrassing moment in football?

When I signed for Bristol City, I had to get up and sing (an initiation song), which was totally unexpected because I hadn't done it at previous clubs. They told me I had to sing and I was on my phone throughout dinner trying to get a song.

I decided to sing "I Believe I Can Fly." I got up there and totally froze. Literally froze. There was no help from anywhere, I was on my own. All the lads had their videos up on their phones and it was carnage. They never let me live that down. "I Believe I Can Fly?" There was no belief when I got up there, I can tell you.

I had to do it again at MK Down but now I'm totally unfazed by it. I've done it since and it's easy for me now because I've been rock bottom with it. I can't do any worse than that.

Here at MK Down, I sang 'Hey Ma' by Cam'Ron. The words are quite easy, so I breezed through it really.

Every time I go somewhere, I see someone who's watched that video from Bristol City. Or they'll know someone who's got a video of it.

Which song gets you in the mood for a match?

Well, not that one. That's bad memories. No, I'd say Jay-Z and "Encore." That's one that I listen to quite a lot. I have it on my iPad and then I'll just pop it on my headphones. It's played quite a lot. Obviously the music will be blazing in the changing room but I've got my headphones so I always like to have a listen to that one.

It's just a song that I've always remembered as being an inspirational song for me. I played it when I was at Rotherham and we got back-to-back promotions. So it brings back good memories for me.

What's your guilty food pleasure?

A big plate of my nan's jerk chicken, rice and peas. If I didn't say that, she wouldn't be happy. It's not unhealthy but too much or anything isn't really good. I like to enjoy that on a Sunday if I go down and see her. Obviously, I don't have it all the time. She lives in east London, so it's not far to go at all from here.

Which player in history would you like to play alongside – and why?

Ian Wright. Growing up, he was my idol. I used to watch all his goals and videos, so playing alongside him would have been great. Just looking up to him as a young kid in the parks and that, I used to say "Ian Wright, Ian Wright." That was from when I was really young and started to get into football.

One of my good friends gave me his autobiography. I remember reading and thinking that it actually came up from nowhere. That was really inspiring and it just goes to show that if you put your mind to it, you work hard and you believe, you can achieve anything really. That was really inspirational.

He's a bubbly guy and when I first signed here at MK, he's good friends with the manager we had at the time, Karl Robinson. He came in a few times and took a few training sessions. That was good to pick his brain. Yes, I did tell him he had my idol growing up. He came to a few matches as well and he'd give me a few pointers. I can't be thankful enough for that.

I remember when our manager said he was good mates with Ian Wright and he got him on the phone for me. I was literally star-struck, that it was Ian Wright I was talking to.

How would I play alongside him? Us two up front in a 4-4-2 just causing pure chaos for defenders. There'd be loads of goals for both of us.

Arsenal great Ian Wright is someone Agard idolised growing up and mimicked

Which famous manager would you have loved to play for – and why?

I'll go with Sir Alex Ferguson just because of the success he had. Being a part of that would have been fantastic for anyone. What he gets out of his players and the way they play, I would have loved to play under him.

The smaller strikers like me, the likes of Andy Cole and Dwight Yorke, they thrived under him.

What would you be if you weren't a footballer?

I like the business world so I would like to think that I'd be in business or finance. I like the way that someone can create a business and it can change the world and our way of living. I find that very interesting and then of course the financial side of it as well.

Understanding finance from a different point of view would be good as well.

Tell us a secret that fans won't know …

I could play international football for four different countries. I've never done it, never really been close although my agent mentioned it to me once and said it could be a possibility.

There was never any really serious interest or talks, but I am qualified to play for Dominica, Jamaica, St Vincent – and England. I'm still waiting for the call, so you never know.

The 29-year-old is eligible to play international football for four different countries

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#Sky Bet EFL Q&A: MK Dons striker Kieran Agard"

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