#on there is gone forever. pain and suffering. also it’s worth naming im not in this to like have the best most expensive whatever designs im | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eternalmydnyt · 1 year

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Alex

Alex was my first voice. I was heavily bullied as a child and would cower and hide, Eventually Alex started fighting back. I would hurt people badly, but nobody would believe me when I would tell them that i didnt remember doing it and it was Alex's fault.

Alex wouldnt let me get close to people because they would inevitably hurt me then he would hurt them.

Over time as the bullying became less of a problem Alex evolved and grew to form the Circle. the Circle is the extremely small number of people i give a damn about and Alex is the one who is the Gatekeeper. He decides who gets in and who doesnt.

Micheal

Micheal was developed shortly after Alex.

He is my internal violence. He hurts people

BEFORE they can hurt me. Anyone not protected by Alex's Circle is free reign for Micheal to torture. He is all my darkest impulses and everything that i show in RP as the Nytmare.

For awhile he changed... he became completely internal and was the custodian of my voices.. helping me control them. Hes gone back to his original state recently though.

Gray

Gray is an interesting one. He represents my internal Teenager. He wants to eat junk food, play video games, and hang out with other teenagers.

In his Extremes all he wants to do is fuck and do drugs. Hes the part of me that wants to get high, get drunk, and fuck my teenage nieces. Controlling him is hard.

The Serpent

The serpent doesnt care.

When i was a child I considered Scales to be the perfect armor, when I was upset I would draw scales on my hand to try and block out the pain.

The serpent formed as a complete shutdown... when the Serpent comes out I feel Nothing.

No emotion at all. Im completely void.

Eleni

Eleni is a mother figure. She is also completely obsessivly OCD. She wants nothing more then to Guide, Nurture, and protect everyone around her... but at her extreme she is incredibly controlling of every aspect of her environment down to the color of books in the bookcase and the names of every file in the computer.

Arik

Arik is eternaly eight. He is me before the glasses, me before the voices... me before everything. All he wants is to play nintendo, eat chicken nuggets, drink grape soda, and have fun with his friends. just about the only voice in my head without an extreme that needs to be controlled. His main downside is he gets very noisey and hard to control when he isnt happy.

Coyote

Coyote is self expression personified. She isnt vocal... she expresses herself through burning, cutting, and piercing sensations combined with intense desires for tattoos, piercings, and scars.

Phoenix

Phoenix is pure competition. All he wants is to play games he can win and to dominate everyone around him in everything he does.

Raven

Raven is pain... the desire to take all my pain an inflict it on others.

The imagery in my head for her is pretty vivid, She was once one of gods angels.

A truly perfect being. Perfect beings can never be hurt right? Well that seems to have been the plan because she doesnt heal... ever. Every little wound and every little cut remains forever fresh and new. What once was a mane of beautiful raven black hair is reduced to clumps and strands among a bloody exposed scalp, her wings are broken and constantly molting her few remaining feathers, her face and arms are covered in forever open and bleeding cuts.

Her body is covered in bruises and you can actually see the broken bones beneath her skin and she stumbles clumsily on broken legs. The only thing that alleviates her pain is inflicting it on others... whenever she wounds someone else it causes that same wound on her to disappear for a time, never for very long but when your suffering like her any comfort is worth whatever it takes to find it. Hence her entire existence hinges on inflicting her pain onto others to bring herself the slightest moments peace..

Oh and I almost forgot to mention...

She communicates exclusivly through sobbing and pained screams.

That and pushing her desires onto me.

#voices in my head #scream into the void

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greekbros · 3 years

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"greek-Bros: A Proper Replacement"

(The Boys™️ are on a quest to find a replacement for Theseus, whom has proven to be....in a blunt sense....a complete moron. With in several days, Theseus had caused problems for Perseus and Heracles than actually do anything useful. So Heracles and Perseus had decided to find their next best bet, a man who best emboded both of their best qualities, Achilles. Whom unfortunately has been roaming freely in the underworld.)

Perseus: ok Herac (pronounced like the name 'Eric'), ol'Achilles should be around here somewhere....

Heracles: As much as I enjoy the idea of leaving Theseus unattended back at the gate watching Cerberus....do you honestly have such a lack of faith in him?

Perseus: Yes. Yes I do. Plus the guy knows jack-fuck about fighting and everytime he tags along, some random animal starts attacking us.

Heracles: ....ok, I must admit that leopard that was rather out of place .....in the brig of a boat.

Perseus: Yeah. Anyway, Hades told me Achilles should be right around....*looks at the skeletons that litter the floor of this cavern*here..... hopefully he's...all there.

Heracles: All there? What do you mean?

Perseus: Well, you see, he ugh... didn't JUST fuck up his ankle....he also got well....shot in the head too. He's been a little....um.....jumpy.

Heracles: ....oh...yes...I've seen raiders from the north with injuries like those....they always seem calmer.

Perseus: Well Achilles isn't like most men. For example. *He flawless triggers a hidden trap Achilles had made by throwing a rock, triggering a comedically huge log crushes the space where he and Heracles were about to step to* .....

Heracles: ...yes. I can see he's a good candidate.....but there's something that has been bothering me since we entered.

Perseus: Yeah what is it? *is mildly impressed at the fact Achilles brought a huge ass log into the underworld*

Heracles: .....Why was uncle Hades completely complicit with the idea we could successfully bring Achilles back to the surface world?

Perseus: *it suddenly dawns on him that Hades probably assumed Achilles would kill him and Heracles thus they would be stuck in Tartarus* .................well fuck.

Achilles: *comes swinging on a rope screaming like a madman* RRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

Perseus: *leaps on to Heracles completely off guard and screams like a girl for two seconds*

Heracles: *stone faced, holding Perseus* ....oh look there he is.

Achilles: *swings past the two, over shooting his entrence, he jumps, lands on a cave ledge but he scream mostly due to his injured ankle. Turns around* *continues screaming like a Vietnam veteran*

Perseus: sorry Herac for screaming in you ear.

Heracles: *obviously joking* I shall never forgive you. *Puts him down* ..... ACHILLES PLEASE SHUT UP BEFORE YOU ATTRACT SOMETHING UNSAVORY!

Achilles: FUCK YOU AGAMEMON! SUCK MY COCK YOU LIMP DICK MAN COW! *Completely unaware where or what's going on*

Perseus: .....*takes out a fig* .....*whistles as if he is whistling to a dog* come here boy. Here's a snack.

Achilles: *goes silent, goes on all fours, climbs down the rock face saying "ow" every step, steps down, calmly limps to Perseus, takes the fig and eats it*

Heracles: *carefully takes Achilles and restrains him* ....*takes a look at a conspicuous hole in Achilles's helmet* ....Oh so that's what you were referring to.

Achilles: *chewing the fig* .....

Perseus: yeah *looks at Achilles's fucked up ankle, it's bent, with an arrow STILL embedded in it and it's beyond saving* ok.....ugh...Heracles.....I'm going to do something that hopefully.... Achilles won't be mad at me forever for....*takes the torche he accidentally dropped* .....*takes his sword, heats the sword with the torch*

Heracles: ! Perseus...... please....not while I'm holding him.

Achilles: *war vet senses tingling, looks at what Perseus is doing and starts singing the song of his people....which is just more incoherent screaming*

Perseus: OK GENTLEMEN TIME FOR SOME IMPROVISED SURGERY NOW HOLD ACHILLES STILL ITS GOING TO MAKE HIM A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!

Heracles: COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST INFORMED ME THIS BEFORE IM HOLDING HIM!!?!

Perseus, Achilles, and Heracles: *all scream*

*BACK ON THE UPPER GATES OF TARTARUS*

Theseus: *kinda just hangs out with Cerberus who's decided Theseus was not worth killing so he's just tolerate him* ......*pats Cerberus's fur*

Cerberus: grrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

Theseus: *puts his hand down* ......

Hades: *comes into check on Theseus* ....ah...you're still here? Do you plan on waiting for Heracles and Perseus for all eternity then?

Theseus: Nah, I know they'll comeback.

Hades: Right.....I shall comeback with refreshments th-*hears two men arguing coming up the stairs of Tartarus* ...no....no that can't be.

Theseus: See *has the dumbest look on his face, completely unaware that he's getting fired from being a brother to Perseus and Heracles*

Heracles: *walking up the stairs with Achilles, all calm and snacking on any snacks Perseus had with him, and one less foot* ......I have to admit....I'm not sure if my hearing will recover from this.

Perseus: *just satisfied his makeshift amputation was successful* Holyshit man quit whining....hey uncle Hades. *Waves to hades*

Hades: *speechless*

Theseus: Oh cool! You found Achilles!

Perseus: shut up. Apparently he's been suffering from chronic pain this whole time. Hey buddy you ok? *Gives a small pap to Achilles's knee*

Achilles: .....figs.

Perseus: yeah yeah figs.

Hades: No! No no! I refuse to believe you were able to catch him.....how did you both do it?

Perseus: ......*points to Achilles who's eating a snack* ....behold.

Heracles: it appears Achilles never REALLY crossed over. He's just been hiding this whole time.....also you wouldn't happen to have ugh.... something for his leg? *Motions to the newly cut nub on Achilles's leg.* Unfortunately we can't do very much about his other injury. *Motions his head to Achilles's left eye, where an arrow is sticking out*

Hades: .....*sighs* ....one moment. *Walks up to Achilles, and swiftly pulls the arrow out, uses a long leaf from Persephone's garden and wraps it around Achilles's head, healing the more external injuries* there we go.

Achilles: *blinks* .... headache's gone.

Perseus: Da'fuk did you do?

Hades: Many things can be healed with a "deusexmachina Pinaceae" plant.

Heracles and Perseus: *unamused at the bullshit Hades had pulled*

Theseus: So where to guys?

Perseus: ......*thinking about tying Theseus to Cerberus's collar*

Achilles: *waves his leg nub* ....foots gone.

Heracles: yes it is.

Achilles: ......oh.

#greek bros #greek-Bros #The Boys™️ comeback #greek gods #hades #perseus #heracles #Achilles #no not Hades Supergiant Achilles #Theseus #greek mythology

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dangan-happy · 3 years

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hi uhhm

[[ENOSHIMA I'M BALD]]

heya this is 2 any1 but honestly if kyoko's involved that'd be pretty damn poggers yeah

my name's Jay (he/him)

cw for death and s/h

idek where to start but someone I love said I need to talk abt my feelings more instead of repressing so uh here i am

i uh. lost someone close to me. like, really really close 2 me, he died.. and life's gone back to shit without him. i can barely live a normal life because me and him had so much shit we used to do together, like every morning I'd go 2 his house and he'd kiss me & we'd eat breakfast together. every week her take me to the park and we'd sit on the swings & just fuckin talk. he always comforted me when I needed it and he never even questioned me that 1 time I started crying out of nowhere (i was under hella pressure that day and was just too stressed) & he hasn't called me weak like other ppl, he hasn't made fun of me

but without him

this'll sound pathetic

but im scared. im so scared without him

i don't wanna live in a world he's not in but im part of a system

and i self harmed for the first time and my dumbass didn't do it in the inner world so they found bruises on the body and i

i just want comfort that I'm not weak and that I'll be ok

if that's alright

- jay.

I’m so glad that you opened up about this and decided to talk about your feelings instead of repressing them, Jay. The person who told you that really is right about that; repressing would only prove to be worse and even more painful. I thank that person for encouraging you to open up, and let me just say that I’m proud of you for opening up. That takes a lot of courage and strength, after all.

To start off with, I truly am sorry for your loss; I can’t begin to imagine how you first felt and how you currently feel now. Losing someone close to you like that makes your feelings completely understandable and valid. However, I must cut through your words about how your situation will ‘sound pathetic’, because it doesn’t sound pathetic at all! You’re simply being honest about how you personally feel, and actually opening up about that to someone is not pathetic whatsoever. If anything, it’s the opposite of pathetic; it goes to show just how strong you truly are, Jay. As such, let me further reassure you by saying that you’re not weak at all, and that you’ll be okay. I have hope in you, and I have hope that you’ll be able to get through this and that you’ll be okay all throughout this grieving of yours! Of course, as repetitive as this may be at this point, it will be tough, and you’ll experience many more moments where you might just... want to give up. But I must stress that as hard and tempting as it may be, you shouldn’t give into this despair you feel! I’ll cut through your despair and do what I can to give you the hope that I feel!

As for your recent self-harm, you’re not dumb at all. Self-harm is normally done with little to no stable thought other than that overflowing, overwhelming, despairful thought of, “I have to get rid of this terrible, suffocating pain now.” I get it, Jay; I really do. And I can understand why you may not want to be in this world anymore, now that this person who was very close to you is no longer physically there. But honestly, as weird as this may sound, I’m glad that you’re a part of a system. Granted, I can tell that’s possibly the only thing that’s currently holding you back, but even so, ending your life... it truly isn’t the answer, as obvious and clear as that may sound. This person may not physically be here anymore, but he’ll always be here in spirit; emotionally; within your memories. And sure, I may not have some crystal ball like that sea urchin guy, or unrealistic ‘physic powers’ like that bootleg Hatsune Miku, but what I do have is lots of hope. And I have true hope that this person you once were close to wouldn’t want that; he wouldn’t want you to end your life or to even self-harm. Instead, he would want you to keep his memory alive; to cope properly and in a healthy manner; to take your time with grieving but to also not stay in the past forever. So please, while it’s easier said than done, remain hopeful and keep living, but not solely for his sake; remain hopeful and keep living for your sake as well.

Before I conclude my side of the case, I want to suggest some alternatives to self-harm. One common one is using a rubber band, putting it on your wrist, and snapping it on your wrist until that urge goes away. Squeezing ice cubes or taking a cold or even hot shower might help as well. Another sort of common alternative is to draw on yourself with a sharpie. Specifically, use a red sharpie to draw pretend wounds on where you might want to self-harm, and if you want, wrap the area you draw on with bandages. I could... go on and on, but I’ll wrap this up with one more alternative: Find a fine ballpoint pen to use and make lines on where you might want to self-harm. While it’s unlikely to actually cut through skin, don’t keep drawing over a line over and over, or else you’ll potentially cut yourself! Of course, not all of this may work for you, so just give these alternatives a try and see what works best with you. Just remember these important pointers: You opening up about your feelings isn’t pathetic, you’re not weak, you’ll be okay, and I have hope in you. Keep that in mind, okay? Take care now, Jay.

I personally requested Hajime answer before I do, now I will proceed with my part.

It’s not pathetic to be afraid of being without someone, I have never gone through something like that. Sure, I lost someone close to me…but I never knew him, so I can’t fully relate to you. However, opening up about this is very brave of you, you aren’t holding back any feelings. That is definitely a step forward instead of suffering in silence, if you will.

Relapsing is always rough, don’t beat yourself up too much about it, alright? Using tactics such as snapping a rubber band against your wrist can help you snap out of it before it happens again. Your loss is not something that you’ll heal from immediately, it will take time. And even then, some scars never fully heal. I don’t just mean scars as in psychically, I mean mentally and emotionally. The loss of a person is an example of those kind of scars, don’t think you’re pathetic at all. You’re quite the opposite Jay. None of this makes you weak, you’re still trudging on and trying to stay strong.

Hajime essentially took the lead here because I had asked him too, so I will do my part in reassuring you that you’ll be okay. I have the upmost faith in you. Life is a big rollercoaster of ups and downs, you won’t be happy all the time. But the same can be said for sadness, you will not be sad forever. It takes learning from experiences that we have throughout our lives that we take and grow from. Whether they be bad or good experiences, we learn something from them. We’re human, we make mistakes. And you relapsing isn’t a sign of weakness. You’re recovering in a way, and I’ll remind you that you are worth more than you think! That’s the truth, I assure you of that.

#danganronpa #danganronpa roleplay blog #ask #hajime hinata #kyoko kirigiri #mod hajime #mod kiri #tw self harm #self harm mention

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jj-stein · 4 years

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anti used jamesons body to torture henrik, and used henriks body to hurt and interact with jamie, but neither of them ever got to meet the people that anti was using. anti never told hen or jamie each other’s names or really explained who they were, partly because he just didnt care, and partly because he wanted to give the illusion that it was his body, and not him possessing someone.

henrik had no clue who anti was using, he had never seen jamie before and didnt know who this lost ego was, but he also never blamed him for what happened to him because henrik knew that he wasnt here with anti voluntarily. anti did tell him a little bit about jamie, just because he doesnt have many people who he can gush about his puppet to, and learns that the poor guy cant speak (which explains why antis ‘voice’ is super scratchy and why he keeps spitting blood), that hes been with anti his entire life, that hes this objectified and completely isolated person who henrik doubts has ever had any freedom or choice in his life. anti considers him a ‘birthday gift from jack’ or his ‘roommate’ and has referred to him as his pretty doll or his personal little whore or his darling baby boy, but never letting his name slip.

but henrik couldnt help but think about him, and to distract himself from the crippling despair and pain he’d wonder about who that poor man was, what his name was, where he came from, what his personality was like, what he did all day while anti was gone, what his relationship with anti was, if he loved anti, if anti was kind to him. sometimes he heard footsteps over his head that sounded almost lighter than antis, but was too afraid to call up to him for help because anti would pin his mouth shut with safety pins if he heard him crying or yelling too loudly. he still daydreamed about calling up to the mystery man who lived upstairs, calling ‘hello! hello! my names henrik, my friends call me schneep, whats your name? are you lonely up there? are you happy? are you safe? i dont know you but i forgive you anyways for anything anti does to me and im sorry that you have to live like this’

and jamie never knew who anti was torturing and wearing all those months, but he knew that he was in pain and didnt want anti to hurt people or jamie with his hands and just wanted to go home, and jamie never held any of it against him no matter what anti did. of course jameson loved it when anti wore him, even if anti hurt him, because hes never really been held or touched or talked to by another person, but it was absolutely exciting to him to think about the fact that there was another person! in his house!! a real live breathing person like him!! he so very badly wanted to meet him, just to talk with another human being because he was just so lonely, but anti told him that he wouldnt want to meet the other man because he was a failure and was a doctor who killed people and was a miserable excuse for a human that wouldnt be worth the time to talk to. he wouldnt want to talk to jameson anyways, he’d hate him because he was just a body for anti and hes weird and mute and socially impaired and uninteresting.

but that didnt stop jamie from wanting to meet him, wanting to take care of him after anti hurt him, wanting to bring him food or blankets. or talk to him, or touch him, or be his friend. he wanted to be with another person so badly that he would press up against the locked basement door just so he could listen out for the man downstairs, closing his eyes and resting his head against the wood and pretending he was with him. hes fallen asleep on the floor, pressing his ear to the ground while he listened to him weep or cry out or sometimes even sing quietly to himself. he wanted to knock on the floor to get his attention, or whistle down the vents so he knew that he wasnt alone, that there was someone upstairs thinking about him and wanting to be kind to him and wanting him to know how sorry jamie was that this was happening to him and that if he could help him he would in a heartbeat.

when henrik escaped, jameson was devastated that anti wouldnt be able to touch and talk to him anymore, and that there wasnt a person in his cold, lonely house anymore. he wasnt even friends with henrik, and he wanted to be happy that he managed to get away so he didnt have to suffer anymore, but it still broke his heart in a way that he couldnt really describe. and when henrik was safe back with his family, his mind free of antis grasp and his body free to heal, he couldnt help but feel a crippling sense of what he considered to be survivors guilt. he feels as if he should’ve found a way to take jameson back home with him, he was suffering just as much as henrik was, it wasnt fair that he had to stay with anti while henrik got to go home. he would stay awake at night crying to chase or jackie about the poor man that anti had been using for so long, about all the different ways henrik couldve done things differently to take him back home with him to safety, where he deserved to be after so long.

but when they both finally came home, when they learned each others names and could see each other as who they really are, they could scarcely look each other in the eye. besides anti, they were the only two people who really knew what happened to each other, and being faced with the biggest connection to their past was something they werent ready to face. they did not speak to each other, or look at each other, or want to be in the same room together because they were afraid for the longest time.

it took some time, and it took some courage, and eventually they were finally able to stand in front of each other and exchange a simple hello without bolting out of the room. and it was scary at first, of course, because they couldnt really ignore the elephant in the room forever, but once they got to talking, once they were able to open up a little, once they could finally learn who they really are, they found it was worth it.

it was a catharsis that they didnt realize they needed, and finally relieved some of the painful weight that constantly hangs from their heads. theres no other feeling like when henrik can hold jameson close to his chest and say from the bottom of his heart im so, so happy that you’re here. theres no other feeling than when jameson can wrap a blanket around henriks shoulders while he falls asleep and say im so, so happy you’re here. among all the shit they have to deal with, at least they can have a little peace between themselves.

im so grateful that you’re here. im so happy you’re safe. im so thankful i get to finally know you.

#forgot i had this lmao #whatever this is #i have. some emotions #nobody touch me #ig i couldve put this on main but like. its specifically with those two so ig it belongs here sadjfsdkgjafsdj #txt #jameson jackson #henrik von schneeplestein #abuse tw #jjstein

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unknowncryptographer-blog · 6 years

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Blown

I was sixteen when our family moved to Ohio due to my father's work. I don't have to worry much about that matter. I have nothing to treasure nor to keep me from leaving. I have someone to call as friend. If there's one thing that I learned about life , that is not to devote yourself into something. Nothing is permanent in this world so why will I engage myself into things that will not last? Im just keeping myself away from the pain of losing. That's not an act of cowardice, I'm just using my mind to eradicate such problems. The lesser you commit, the lesser the pain is. Living with that principle, I turned myself into an outcast.My whole world revolves in my room, my safe haven. Books become my all time bestfriend.

It was on the mid of May when my family traveled to our new house. As my dad and mom unload the baggages inside our van, I stepped out of it. The cold morning breeze touches my skin and blow my mermaid hair. I didn't expect our new house is near the sea. Infront of it is a series of rock formations. This breath taking view laid before my very eyes. It was my first time appreciating the beauty of the outside world. I searched for a perfect place to rest. Maybe the porch of our house will do. After sitting down , I fished out a pocket book inside my sling bag. It's a mystery book written by Agatha Christie entitled And Then There Were None. I was busy scanning the book when someone caught my attention. A man in mid 40's approached my Dad. Then my gazed drifted to the boy at his back playing with a soccer ball. He caught me staring at him. A pirate smile escaped from his lips as he walked towards my direction. Feeling embarrassed, I focus my gazed back to what I'm reading. But then his presence infront me intimidates me a lot.

"Hi. I'm Rayden McNerry", he muttered as he raise his left hand waiting for a shake to happen. When he realized that I will not do that, he chuckled and put his hand down I know that's a rude act but like what I have said , I don't do friends.

"Wow! You're into mystery book! That's awesome! I also got a collection of Sherlock Holmes books in my room!", he exclaimed and grab my book.

He's too bubbly for a guy. I stare at him once more. I think he is just near my age but his height screams the opposite. He got this chestnut brown hair which perfectly fits the light aura emitting upon his angelic face. Just then, my dad came.

" Sorry for the way my daughter treat you", he mumbled as he gave me a threatening look. My dad really pursue me to go on such things. He gave my dad a reassuring smile then bids goodbye. But before he walks away, I muttered something that makes him stopped.

" Adrianna Walter is my name", I said before closing our main door Well this will not go beyond acquaintances right ? I found out that the man my dad's talking to is his father and we're neighbors.

Since then, he visits our house everyday and I have no choice but to entertain him just like what my dad wants me to. He talks nonstop about nonsense things. And as days passed, I'm getting used to it but nevertheless, our relationship didn't go on the next level. I declared that were just acquaintances. Nothing more, nothing less.

But being a guy oozing with confidence, he proclaimed himself as my bestfriend. He even got an endearment for me. He calls me Irene Adler while he insist that I should call him Sherlock Holmes on the other hand because we got the same hobbies, reading detective books. But sadly, that’s the only common denominator that we share. We are much opposite on how we view life that is why we can’t be friends because that will only be the start of the domination of the world.

But apparently, things have gone wrong and it didn’t go as what I want it to be. The life I'm used to started to change. All because of him. He dragged me out of my comfort zone, out of my box. He let me see the wonders the outside world possessed. We go on adventures but our most favorite hideout is the rock formations.

"Adler, what do you want to be ?", he once asked out of the blue. He throw another pebble into the shore. I was surprised with the sudden seriousness in his voice. I'm used to him asking nonsense stuffs.

"Doctor", I answered as I continue to read the book I borrowed from him.

"Why? You want to help those who have illness?" he asked.

" No. I just love to study about the human anatomy", I answered without any hesitation. Yes, that's my only reason. Saints only do such things and I’m no saint. I’m not living to offer myself to others but to live my life the way I want it to be, no public services included.

" You really got a different view about life. Me, I want to become a sailor. I just love the ambiance of the sea so much. I want to travel around the globe through it."

The happiness I'm feeling right now is way too different from what I felt before. I hate to accept it but I think I'm slowly breaking my own principles I'm breaking the walls I built since time immemorial. This is ridiculous but I think this is worth trying for. I'll commit to him. I'll accept the friendship he offers. I will take the risk and surrender my doubts.

It was Sunday night, Rayden invited me to come with him to the nearest mall. We spent the whole night playing arcade games and eating on the food hub. That was one of the best nights I ever had. I never thought making friends will make me so happy because what I only think is it’s a burden. It was past ten when we decided to go home. Just like what he always do, he talked nonstop, reminiscing what we just did a while ago.

We were about to cross the street when a group of delinquent teenagers surrounded us. They look like they were on the influence of drugs. Shivers run down my spine just by thinking what could possibly happen to us. Rayden grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him securing me from these bad guys. I'm so scared and he can smell my fear. He faced me and plastered an assuring smile. Just then, the fight started. All I can do is cry in so much fear while he's doing his best to protect me. They are too many and he can't win over them but he's trying his luck. Suddenly the background slowly faded as one of he teenagers attacked me with an iron pipe. I stood there frozen. My body melts like a jelly. I closed my eyes and wait for the pain to inflict in my body. But seconds passed by and I can't feel anything. I slowly open my eyes and hot liquid start to form in it the moment I saw Rayden lying on the ground, unconscious, blood running from the cut in his head. The teenagers were gone. He saved me.

I rushed to him and tries to wake him up. He still has pulse. Minutes later, he woke up like nothing happened. I throw myself into him hugging him so tight.

" My God Rayden! I thought you're-" I uttered between my sobs. He patted my head as if I’m the one who’s hurt.

" Hey don't underestimate me, Irene Adler!", he chuckled.

" Whatever Sherlock", I laughed.

"You just called me - oh finally !" he exclaimed surprised with my words.

“Thank you”, I whispered.

Days passed and everything went smoothly or just so I thought. I noticed Rayden suffering from mild headaches but he assured me that it's just because of the open cut in his head. We spent the whole afternoon in our hideout the rock formations. I was busy narrating him on how I lived my life before when I noticed that his not attentive to me. He cupped his head as if he's trying to lure the pain.

" Hey Sherlock . What is happening to you?", I asked trying to ease the situation.

" I need to go home. I think I badly need a rest", be answered as he started to walked away.

He's not yet that far when he cupped his head again. This time severe pain is visible in his eyes. I rushed to him but I was too late. He had a seizure and eventually collapsed down the sand.

With my tears continuously flowing down my eyes, I opened the porcelain jar beside me. He wanted his body cremated and so his wish was granted. I took a hand full of his ash and throw it upon the sea. The wind harshly blow his remnants. He can't pursue anymore his dream to the travel the world when he became a sailor so I'm here hoping these ashes will be blown away on every part of the world, on every part of his beloved sea. The doctor said that he suffered from Traumatic Brain Injury caused by the iron pipe bigger upon his head to save me that night. I am the one to be blame for his death.

I never become a good bestfriend to him yet he treated me more than what I deserved. He change my life in an instant. He made me believe in the essence of friendship. He changed my view about life. Nothing is permanent in this world but the feelings and memories you shared with them will last forever. My Sherlock was gone but he is still my bestfriend and will always be.

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pokefanbri · 4 years

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"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

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