#on another note something feels off

[ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes]

I’m usually not one for shaving my legs but something about having to tape your ankle (ie having to remove said tape later) can be quite motivating…

#me #on another note something feels off #I though it might be bc I forgot to post this but idk #I’m just heading to bed too late and I’m not as pressed about it as I should be/usually am #I think maybe it’s bc I’ve done absolutely nothing productive today and it was super nice #but tmr it’s back at it again and I can’t really deal with it #so I’m just not? instead of stressing? #idk we’ll see how I feel tmr and maaaaybe I’ll use my maybe hurting ankle as an excuse not to go to volley #but we’ll see I have to force myself not to make that decision now at midnight #ohh how I wanna go on a doom scrolling spree for a couple of hours right now #or just forget what time it is and keep reading my book…. #shit……

[popponn]

i'm this close to opening discussion whether (is it possible that) kaiser is a playboy or not

#poponing #seeing how he enjoys feeling superior? this seems highly possible esp in a modelling au etc #BUT this guy also hits me like someone who is married into his job and if the other person doesn't give me the feeling of sueriority #for him in his field then he won't bother (i.e. how he acts @ yoichi & @ others at the beginning aka rizzlord kaiser vs default fridge guy) #kaiser (also sae) where is your back story ln chapter im begging here #okay lets stop here before i go off to some weird tangents. now back to rl business. will prob del later #babblings #also adding another note kaiser does seems to kinda focus on something or someone then appear disinterested in others #also will he even bother making someone feel special?? im asking really at this point im going off on semi baseless assumption #that fragile self image is making me scratching my head #but you know ness—magic and then kaiser—blue yellow—glass (chain) kinda like a fairytale (cinderella) ok off topic #....okay not gonna del this. this is my personal note #ugh but anyway playboy kaiser...? he really is confusing for me to write now because his facades are so different #and that cold guy part is STILL a facade. what are u kaiser #now back to rl fr

[raifuujin]

It's been more than 20 years and for some reason I feel that Gosho hasn't given Kaiao any development, how can more than 20 years pass and Aoko dynamics, relationship and feelings remain the same? At this point I feel like Gosho is just going to make them date because "they already liked each other" they remain in the same status quo

Hey, if we go by DC romance progress, they've been going too fast. We've already had suspicion of identity chapters, and that didn't happen until more than 400 chapters in DC. /j

Since heists have taken over any character development recently, I don't even know if Kaito and Aoko will even get any romantic progress. Maybe the actual identity confrontation will happen down the line, since that's thief drama, but atm, it really wouldn't surprise me if they only ask each other on a real date at the very end of the manga.

Like. I'm sure Gosho would love to make MK a love drama as well, but he writes MK so rarely, and usually as hype for something Kid related in other media. So the MK stories tend to be heavy on drama that can only take place at Kid heists. (To the point that the new chapters just. Use Kid as the plot device to show off a new character. Even Hakuba's never gotten so much 'look at this character being a detective' treatment in MK.)

-sighs- I just feel bad for MK as a series at this point. I like the characters, I like the general story idea, but. It's been going down a very steep hill with Gosho wanting things exciting, but not wanting any real progress in. Anything. But unlike old MK, the new stories aren't even nice standalone setpieces of story, they're... mundane. They could be high stakes, if you purely look at the scenarios on paper, but. We all know nothing's gonna happen to Kid. Nothing even happens to him when the actual bad guys show up, much less one-time antagonists.

We need actual character focus and development, not heist drama. Badly. Not even romance, though that'd be a nice change. Just any character expansion of our limited cast of characters. Gosho wants big, all the time, meaningless big stuff, when small would be so nice.

#And also he probably won't care to expand on KaiAo when he knows it's already canon #Like; not in the same way that ShinRan is canon endgame and he just needed to write it out #But in a 'I said these two were dating in another manga; they will exist even if I haven't written it' #And his story atm does feel like it could be left off with an ambiguous note on if they're together or not #And then just leave them dating in Yaiba for people who care about confirmation #MK is not in a stable enough state; I really don't know what he's planning with anything #And it's been so. -gestures to all the 'meaningless big stuff'- lately #I don't know if it'll ever get any shift in focus in the future #We barely get anything; all we have now is a new character people are divided about #And the tiniest continuity of Aoko thinking to herself that Kid is teasing her by reminding her of Kaito #Like; part of the problem is continuity as well; at least if Gosho wants to stick with DC-ish MK #MK has all the potential for callbacks or returning characters that could be interesting #But none of the potential that fans enjoy is ever /used/ #We got all our KaiAo up front. We have suspicion arcs where it's barely mentioned that Kaito's proven his innocence in the past #They could go back to the amusement park and Aoko could mention the movie and Kaito can be sweating #Because he never saw the movie; that's then he peaced out to go heisting #There's so much. Gosho's good at adding potential to his story #But everything he comes up with to make canon ends up disappointing because he never fully uses any of it #He just adds more and more elements that go nowhere #MK is a mess that gets more and more fun to play around in; but the actual chapters are. Bad #Which might be for a reason similar to DC of we wait so long and get something extremely meh #Except instead of the months between DC cases; it's years for MK; and DC fans complain the entire time #So when MK fans are fed crumbs of... anything. It's just not as enjoyable as new content should be #(I got rambly in tags; sorry ;._. )

[sysig]

How is skeleton shaped (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Papyrus #Sans #Some redraws! I just don't feel like scanning the originals so they'll stay contextless for now lol #I apparently used to draw Papyrus' scarf/cape with a little squiggly bit down the middle of his chest as well :0 I think it looks silly now #The donk-pecks I was talking about! :D Give your sibling a family kiss ♪ As much as skeletons can anyhow lol #Papyrus was being silly and then leaned down fully expecting it lol - another thing smol and I do a lot haha #Sometimes doing the cat thing of headbutting for attention lol #Sad skele doodles! Oh no! D: Best boy is the saddest around </3 #I used to draw Papyrus' mouth as having teeth behind his teeth so I gave it another go - I think I'm good on it now lol I like his weird jaw #I don't know if I based the original eye-glows off anything specific :0 I wasn't as particular about my notes back then haha #He is still very fun to draw crying tho poor lad :') #Originally the second one of Papyrus with his eyes glowing had Sans comforting him with a forehead donk - even in this redraw! #But I got the angle wrong so I removed him and then had brainworms about it lol #Something something the player (the artist) controlling the appearance/experience and moving the pieces (the characters) around as they like #I already know all that! I've been metaphorically playing with dolls for years years years! It just never stops being weird #It's like being aware of my own breathing and blinking - it's ''natural'' and normal and there's obviously nothing wrong with it lol #There's just a level of awkward....Feeling surrounding awareness lol - intentionality! It's not like I can stop just because I'm aware of it #It's just so whimsical /neutral - if Sans had turned out how I wanted him to he'd be there comforting his brother! But because I... #As stated I have brainworms please excuse me lol #The level of weird feels between the various mediums is really interesting to me tho :) Being a player or reader or watcher or artist! #They all feel different - more or less in control of what happens to them and yet never fully without culpability hehe #Obviously as an artist it feels the most in control - even to my own empathetic detriment! (It's not that serious lol) #The difference between being a player and a reader is a lot closer than being a watcher tho imo it's like a spectrum of responsibility #Though that's kinda also just how I feel about media consumption in general lol - I guess one of those is technically media production #Anyway! Lol #I don't know where I got the idea that his hoodie is two-tone other than the separation of his pockets? #It is a cute design! Dunno if I'll keep it going forward just for convenience but I'm not mad about it lol

[age-of-moonknight]

“Deliverance,” Marvel Zombies: Black, White & Blood (Vol. 1/2023), #1.

Writer: Ashley Allen; Artist: Justin Mason; Letterer: Clayton Cowles

#Marvel #Marvel comics #Marvel Zombies: Black White & Blood #Moon Knight comics #latest release #Moon Knight #Marc Spector #Khonshu #so yeah this is yet another story that ends on the incredibly bitter note of Marc fully handing the reins over to Khonshu #(with the added bonus of being zombified and eating former comrades) #but idk this page in particular got me thinking (on multiple things) so bear with me #firstly I find it increasingly interesting how in these short stories a reoccurring theme if the creators are going for the horror angle #is Khonshu taking full control and yeah that’s terrifying considering how much of modern MK comics are about restoring autonomy #both in the literal sense (shaking off Khonshu’s influence and kicking him to the curb) and in a more ephemeral sense (proving that #while categorically neurodivergent MK’s not just «some loony» but a dependable hero in his own right #so I guess it just gets me that in this case it’s a matter of sacrifice #that Marc would give up something he fought endlessly hard for to save civilian lives (although the creators succeed in making this #still feel like not a complete victory) #the other major things for me is Khonshu’s «faith has never needed rationality» which is…something I take personal umbrage with #that’s a common understanding of the term but arguably the strongest faith is born of rationality #the idea of logically coming to the conclusion that «I have combed through everything on this Earth and determined that there are something #outside the human understanding and thus I’ll hold strong to a faith in something not of this world #the fingerprints/evidences of which are still apparent even in this world too» #thus personally I see Khonshu’s statement there as another example of his oft-used manipulation: his attempts to convince Marc that #his mind and consequently Marc himself are unreliable and useless without Khonshu’s guidance #(i.e. overbearing and uncaring control) and tbh that’s pretty horrific

[undercat-overdog]

I’ve been thinking recently about all the comment culture discussions and the recent talk around authors’ archive-locking their fic and one of the things that bothers me is how I never really see those discussions centered around the author. The comment conversations are a mix of reasons why readers don’t comment, how to comment, and why comments are good, but I’m not sure I’ve seen something that centers the author as person. Instead it’s the broader community and its desire for “content” that’s centered: comments are good because they keep authors writing (which is, I think, broadly true though people vary in the particulars), but it’s hard to comment (also broadly true, also varies in the particulars), but lack of feedback means some authors stop writing (also also true). The goal seems to be to keep the fic flowing.

And no one is owed comments and no one is owed fic and if it’s harmful to your mental health to comment, or harmful to your mental health to keep your fic online, that’s far more important. Please, don’t take me as saying that you need to comment or that you need to keep making fic available. Reader and/or author, what is best for you comes first; what you are able to do or want to do comes first.

(As for the talk about how authors are bad for archive-locking fic and that they should be shamed and scolded for doing so? No sympathy. I have less than zero patience for that argument. It’s more than fine to feel sad or grieved that you have lost a story you loved or can no longer access it - it is sad! It’s why I download stories now. But an author can do as they wish with their creations; no one is owed fic.)

But none of this gets at the author as person. These discussions seem to return to the personal reasons why a reader wouldn’t comment and how the author as content producer is more likely to write if they get feedback, the goal to get people to comment so fic continues to be produced: put money in the vending machine so you can get a snack. But I think at least some of authorial angst is driven less by comments per se and more by the desire to be recognized and feel seen as people and not fic-producing machines. Authors have anxiety too. Oh, do some of us have anxiety!

To use me as an example, since I’m the only person I truly know: I have almost deleted fic or moved it to an unrevealed collection multiple times because of anxiety that is tied to feels of either not being seen or being seen and intentionally ignored; I almost did so yesterday. It hurts to be ignored, especially when you know that your fic was read and seen but ignored. And that would be one thing - no one’s required to like my work or my friends’ works but to pretend your story is unique when you’re clearly very, very influenced by those works to the point of rewriting dialogue and using the same plot points with the same plot items. It makes me as a person feel ignored and it is currently killing my motivation to write, because at times I am a fainting flower. (To be very clear, my reaction is me, and no one owes me feedback or whatever, or to listen to my navel-gazing.) And I don’t like when my friends and fellow authors are seen then ignored either: that very much makes me angry. But yes, anxiety. It's easy to feel invisible or to feel like you're not worth recognizing.

I do want to note that there are circumstances in which acknowledgement and recognition is owed. If you take direct inspiration from someone’s plot, or rewrite it, that needs to be acknowledged, and it bothers me when it’s not: it feels like being used. Likewise, one place readers do have an obligation to comment, barring extenuating circumstances, is if they are given a gift fic as part of an exchange or event that they signed up for.

So idk. I guess what I’m saying is that I often feel that people don’t see that there’s a person behind the ao3 author’s name and that person’s not recognized. It might be that which stings the most.

(While I used  “author” throughout, this applies to all people in fandom who create and share their works. I am an author, so that’s the perspective I’m speaking from, but there are many creative perspectives that are no less important. And of course, “writer” and “reader” are not exclusive categories and I’d guess that most of the former are also the latter. Likewise “artist” isn’t exclusive, nor “podcaster” or so on.)

One last point: I’m not sure it’s talked about how long it can take to write something? I’d guess that most of my one-shots have taken at least two or three dozen hours to write/edit/post and I’d say I’m probably of average speed (when I’m writing lol). For most authors, writing’s not quick; 5k isn’t dashed off in an afternoon but might take 40+ hours. It’s a labor and for most of us it takes time.

#discourse #comment culture #i hate the term 'content' #it feels like something mass-produced and disposable #our works are artisanal and crafted with love lol #but yeah i am really not feeling good or comfortable about some stuff right now #both angry and 'why bother' #and quite angry on another's behalf #at least drop a kudos on the fic whose plot you're using if you don't mention it in the author's notes! #or if you're making something based off a fic (or art! or other creation!) mention the title or author or link to it/them #anyways! feeling pretty mediocre!! #also while reddit's not the reason i'm feeling as i do i should stop arguing on it lol #that might help #i also think i'm going to stop checking tags on ao3 for a little bit

[13eyond13]

I FINALLY HAD A DREAM WITH LAWLIGHT IN IT

#this has been a bucket list fandom thing for me for SO LONG you don't understand #ok so what the dream actually was: #the writer of coexistence is boredom returned to the fandom to write another lawlight fic that was being published in a zine or something? #but i also was sitting next to them at a table irl and able to tell them how much i love their writing and they were Iike ohh cool hahaha #so the story they were writing was super interesting and i wish i could remember exactly what it was but #i think it was sort of like a squid game death note crossover type thing #i wish I could remember it better but all i remember is that plus that #the writer was like 'i am a parent of twins now so i am going to give lawlight twin babies based on my own kids' or something #anyways i feel like i can finally check this off my fandom bucket list after years of just never ever having death note dreams #p

[wewontbesleeping]

one very mild divide between gen z and younger and millennials is that millennials will use the word "website" while younger people almost always say "app". like do you call twitter a "website" or an "app"? it always sticks out to me soo much when people do this idk.

#idk i'm just thinking about this bc one of my favorite sites is forcing everyone to use a mobile layout #and it's so sad to me #first off bc it's fucking ugly #but it's also just SO weird and uncomfortable to use mobile layouts on desktop #another divide is whether you use a computer to browse or only your phone #i feel like a lot of ppl my age+ still use their computer often for browsing and stuff #but younger people do everything on their phone #but anyways. it's just something that i think about a lot #(the website is neopets lmfao) #their mobile layout is so fucking ugly. i've been playing this game for 22 years #(which is so wild to think about. wtf.) #but the mobile layout on desktop is so ugly that i barely play anymore bc it's just #so ugly and annoying to use #also note that i see ppl do this a lot when it's like just mobile browsing and not an actual app #again going back to neopets bc i'm normal #i see people call it an app and it's like. well it's not!

[imwritesometimes]

I think the huge chunk in the middle of my wip notebook that is just manic notes, outlines, time lines, entire chapters complete with edits from the last (almost) year that I abandoned should idk... have the decency to tear themselves out and set themselves on fire

#nothing like sitting down last night like: you know what! I am gonna try again! fck it! I CAN write! #I know I can cause I checked! I can absolutely write it's fine I'm actually pretty good at this! #and opening the notebook and looking at the cery loose wip notes and going: ok! I can work with like 80% of this! #what else is in here?!!! #that was my mistake.... I should not have looked at what else was in there #pages and pages and pages of 3 different wips I tried to make work for one ship #a couple for another #a whole fleshed out 5+1 for a beloved ship wip that I just.... gave up on #notes from the last fic I shared nearly a year ago #that was the last time my writing flowed. I could read those notes and be like #oh this bitch is onto something. she's FEELING IT. #and then after that. poof. I tried and tried and tried and tried. #and then I got all in my head abt the one ship. and the source material. and I honest to god just. #kinda burned myself out on fic and fandom and blorbos in general tbh. like. that ship nearly killed my creativity. #for good. #but now I'm kinda like hmmmm you knkw what I'm not bad actually!!! #but then. open the notebook. and womp womp. maybe I am bad. maybe I've always been bad. maybe I SHOULDN'T try again. #closed the notebook and went to bed. idk if I wanna look at it tonight again #might just fuck off and try to make sense of the new true d ep that's apparently out tonight #(this season has been so mid so far mehhh) #erin explains it all

[todayisafridaynight]

i love rewatching mine cutscenes cause even if he tries to be about as emotional as a boulder there’s always at least one single frame of him where a thousand words couldn’t really encapsulate everything he’s feeling in that moment

#rgg #yakuza 3 #yoshitaka mine #snap chats #spam bots please dont touch this blog ty #utterly compelled to draw him again so heres my warning for mineposting later Potentially #BUT NO LISTEN HE'S SO FUNNY HE'S MY FAVORITE #i love that in characters when their feelings are so Blink And You Miss It- it makes it fun to spot #like i was rewatching the last cutscene of Y3 because it tickles my brain and also daigo makes me cry #but on that note like.. when daigo just asks mine if hes ok and doesnt really care too much about the situation at hand yk #like granted he probably just assumed the cia banged them up but he really doesnt even look for an explanation #he's just going off that assumption Presumably and so when he asks mine- totally none the wiser about what ACTUALLY happened- #and you just see the /slightest/ twitch in mine's eyes- like mine's expressive through his eyes i find #or maybe ive lost it but i feel like thats where you find his feelings best #my man's about to cry right there and then for almost killin the dude he loves and that kills me every single time #another instand i like with mine's Displays Of Emotion is that scene with him and kanda #where kanda just demands money and men from him and mine grimaces #like kanda can wreck all the shit in his apartment for all he cares but that line from kanda just plays into mine's mentality #of only really being perceived as useful if he can provide something material #it just makes it more evident that the matter's severe enough to him to shake the stoicism #i could vomit about mine all day i just think he's fun to look at under a microscope #i finished Y3 a long long while ago but it's still rotting my brain and at this point i should just replay it- but the blockin....

[dragonanne]

Just a little self-portrait that I doodled this afternoon. Been feeling worn down the last few days by all the little things that are piling up. Prayers would be very much appreciated. Prayers to be able to knock all the stuff off my to-do list that I need to, and prayers to be able to get some rest and peace from the feeling of being overwhelmed by Stuff. And maybe prayers that I could get ahead on some of my work so that I'm not feeling this way every couple of weekends 😂

#i just feel like there's SO MUCH that I need to do #I'm cleaning out and moving my art stuff into my own little studio which is AMAZING #but the time I'm having to spend cleaning is time I feel like I should be working on other things #and then there's client work and teaching stuff like class prep that takes time #and I need to get back with my editor and talk about the notes she made on the JT manuscript #and make revisions #and finish up the last few illustrations #and move the rest of my art stuff down to the studio #and try to figure out where the spiders are hiding in my room (i wish i was joking) #and I'm even to the point that the fact that I have 4 books in my currently reading list on goodread is stressing me out #because it feels like a sort of to-do list that I need to get items checked off of #like????why is that stressing me out?!?!?! #and then there's another thing that i don't want to get into but it's also on my mind and weighing me down #on the plus side my pastor's message tonight was really good and definitely something i needed to hear #it was over psalm 52 and how David thanked God for dealing with a problem even before He had done it #David knew God would handle it and that He kind of already had but David just hadn't gotten to that point in time yet #i like that #God is outside of our perception of time and He's already taken care of our problems #even if we haven't caught up to that point in time yet #that comforted me #the ramblings of a dragon #prayer request

[infizero]

personally i think it's stupid that there's now a significant amount of ppl who genuinely do see kira as their new god. i liked it better when it was just light being delusional

#idk im sure there's something to be said about the purpose of that as well but. eh #it just feels like it's indulging him/proving him right #also again it seems like this ramped up over that 5 year time skip which is another reason why i think it feels off #like. i didnt get to see any of that. sure there were people who sympathized with kira before but it was a much more underground kind of #thing. going from that to guy on tv publicly building like a monument to kira or whatever with no build up just feels. bleh #if ur gonna go that route AT LEAST LET ME SEE IT HAPPEN #serena.txt #death note posting #i dont like being so negative but blahh whatever

[le-scenariste]

Fuck I'm actually so pissed about the fuckin home invasion shit like...Noah was a new character that I'm sure the older dispatchers would've loved to train and shit.

NOAH HAD A VALID REASON FOR DOING WHAT HE DID "YoU bRoKe mY TrUSt" fuck off that man was being threatened it was either his family or some rich cunts jewellery. hmmmmmmmmmmm I wonder what any scared person who cares for their family would do in this situation ?????

And yeah as many have pointed out, new POC character too like ??? bit stereotypical

Also, I love Maddie i do but...fuckin snitch jfc. Maybe do better with protecting your password idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "i wish you had told me" and he did but then he gets HIS trust broken by then getting arrested IN FRONT OF EVERYONE THERE TOO CUNT WHAT ??? to humiliate a BLACK man ????

just overall that whole thing was a shit show and they did Noah so fuckin dirty the poor guy

#who wants to help me with a prison break #occeans 11 style #on another similar note tho #911 really likes to enforce this anti-acab sentiment #when athena was chasing after Jeffery Hudson in that no-police zone and people were yelling about cops being shit #and athena going something like ' not all cops' or whatevevr #and then the whole Grant family being pulled over (athena excluded) #may realizes that cops like to abuse their power and michael realizes just cuz his ex is a cop doesnt mean he's off the hook #and may writes that paper about cops but then it ends with her being like #im proud of my mom #like yeah sure but also...it would've been interesting if May had more conflicting feelings about her mother's job #it justs irks me so much #anyways #911 fox #911 spoilers #911 season 6

[bylightofdawn]

S C R E A M

Writing this Cody and Rex reunion has me going absolutely feral. I am legit listening to my sad romance breakup/makeup playlist on Spotify.

Not because I'm shipping Codex here but the vibes its the vibes of this scene.

No one warned Cody that Rex was alive because they either didn't know (Slick) or just assumed he'd been told (Echo and Gregor)

Meanwhile Rex knew and legit hauled ass from the other end of the galaxy but hasn't allowed himself to really believe it until he actually saw Cody.

I might vibrate through time and space because the emotions I am experiencing while writing this scene is gonna send me into another dimension. I just love my Rex and Cody reunion scenes which is why I wrote that purely self-indulgent post Geonosis Cody lands on planet after the battle trying to keep his shit together while trying to find out of Rex survived his first battle without him.

Which...Imma go re-read real quick so I can make some call backs cause ugh that fic also gives me all the feels.

EDIT: Ahahahaahahh I'd FORGOTTEN I'd written Slick into Dulce so it's kinda a perfect linear circle

#el writes #the long-awaited reunion of Rex and Cody in my own fic may kill me #They very much have Steve and Bucky platonic soulmates vibes #and I will fight anyone on that hill #WIP Sunday will be a doozy this week #I don't mind Codex and can definitely see the appeal and have enjoyed it myself cause fuck there's some great writers/artists in this fando #but there's something about your soul connecting to another being without needing it needing romance to spur intimacy. #instead that other person is the missing piece of your soul that completes you because you are that perfectly matched #you were matched before either of you were born #things like gender or sexuality or any of that doesn't matter because you know that other person will be there for you no matter what #just 😤😤😤😤 it hits different you know? #this is also how I feel about Edgin and Holga #Gods help the fool who tries to get between them #ahahahaha sorry for popping off on my own notes about my Rex and Cody platonic soulmates #welcome to my ted talk #commander cody #captain rex

[bbreaddog]

.

#personal #texted my boss yesterday saying I’m taking the week off bc I’m sick #which isn’t a total lie #i am feeling nauseated with stress and grief lol #plus the burn out #I just need some time to recuperate #I’ve decided I’m not gonna finish off the lesson notes from last week #if those students come in next week being like ?? idk what to practise bc you didn’t send anything #WELL #you can practise what you did the week before #it’s almost the same thing anyway #i have so many journal entries to catch up on #almost 2 weeks’ worth #I’m wondering if it’s worth writing those up rn #I’ve taken my meds but it honestly feels like I haven’t bc of the way I keep staring at a blank document willing myself to start something #I’ve done some house work already #but every time i go to start another task i feel guilty that I’m not at my desk typing up notes or journal entries or something #that’s the burn out talking #i am never doing activities on my days off ever again #that’s a lie #I’m gonna be more smart about spacing them out next time #I’m also gonna implement a mid-term break starting from next term bc this… has been a consistent thing where I burn out mid-term #my therapist says i should change my job #and like… i agree but also looking for jobs on top of already doing this is contributing to my burn out #my lny fortune also says i should a voice big changes this year so #i am at a crossroads #i know change will be good for my mental health and in turn my physical health #but where will i have income #my pension can only give me so much #and i wanna do acting so bad

[ilostyou]

lallaaalalala just some things on my mind

#this has been a rant #<- in advance. im going off in the tags. xo #getting close to making a decision abt doctoral programs is STRESSING ME OUT even tho i think ik which i'll choose #one ik will be a good school environment and will be manageable but the other has much. better training and will prep me for #literally anything i could want to do with a whole ass doctorate afterwards when im licensed #next thing. i fucking hate that i have no clue what i look like objectively lmfao. losing weight is great and all (healthy) but #it's fucking with my idea of myself even more than it ever was bc. now it's a 'bad' thing that some things look big on me #(bc THEY FUCKING ARE lol) like today i ended up buying some clothes and yay great but like. my mom was like #yeah so you can wear these instead of what. ur wearing now bc that's gotten big on you etc #and im just ksjghdf it's just a little baggy and also i like it?? but ok whatevesjkdkfdhkh i like the. new ones too im juyst. ?? #just in general there's always gonna be Something yknow? annoying. anyway #next thing is that im away w family rn and lovemy fam love spending time with them but it;'s been TWO DAYS and im already #losing......so much patience with some people like. my younger cousins. im. GRR.and i love having some other people around #but we're meeting up w the rest of our group tom and we'll basically be DOUBLE in size for the next week plus and im so #nervous that i'm already at my last nerve with everyone adn that i'll be too overwhelmed/tired/etc that i won't enjoy the rest of the trip #next thing is that it's WILD graduation is literally in six weeks but so mmuch has to happen before then it's making me dizzy #other side note thing im beyond excited to see taylor and have weird anxiety about it but meh. im fucking PUMPED #another thing. it's someones bday tomorrow who ive had a Rough year with (ive mentioned stuff abt them before) and it's just. weird feeling #i dont rem if they even texted me for my bday now im curious im gonna go look lmfao but. obv i'll text them anyway #it's just ... lots of weird feeling thinking abt how much has changed in a year with them. shrug #ok maybe that's it woo