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akirascrybaby · 3 years

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Crybaby

i was watching devilman crybaby and thought about how akira reminded me a bit of eren, i added that to my love of whiny eren and melanie martinez’s crybaby and boom, this fic was born.

ik the fandom loves toxic eren, but i adore crybaby eren more

cw: sub!eren, dom!reader, fem bodied reader, lots of smut.

notes: there’s nothing wrong with being emotional or in touch with your feelings! i’m a highly emotional person as well

it’s ironic how i went from being too shy to write smut to writing this

Eren Jaeger was a lot of things. He was whiny, pathetic, always expected his mother, Mikasa or Zeke to clean up after him, but worse of all, he was unbearingly emotional.

His friends and family would claim that Eren cried more than he spoke, and Eren couldn’t even argue against that without bursting into tears himself.

His own father, Grisha, claimed that Eren spent the first 7 years of his life crying non-stop, and while everyone knew it was a gross over exaggeration, they were also aware of the fact the tears seemed to constantly flow from Eren’s eyes like a waterfall, and the smallest comment or action could set him off.

There was that time his close friends Connie and Sasha threw some rubbish on the ground. Not exactly a good thing to do of course, but instead of sternly telling them off, like Armin and Marco did, or giving them a disgusted look; like Jean and Mikasa did, Eren just started crying.

He wasn’t even aware of it until a concerned Marco pulled him aside and asked if everything was okay, and Eren had to reassure him he was fine through broken sniffles.

“I’m okay Marco, but what Sasha and Connie just did was wrong. W-what about our environment? What if we got caught? We-“ Eren never did finished his little rant, since he was too caught up in sniffles and hiccups that he couldn’t even form any words no more.

His friends were surprised, but they had gotten used to that before by now. Instead, they walked the wailing boy home, showering him with apologies and excuses.

There was also that time where he was at the gym with another friend of his, Reiner. The pair were in the locker room after their intense workout, and Reiner was gushing over his younger cousin winning some athletic award at her school, and rambling on about how it was “something in the Braun family”. Reiner was shocked to hear a sniffling sound from the bench behind him, and quickly turned around to see a crying Eren furiously wiping his tears away.

“Eren are you alright?”

“You must be so proud.” He hiccuped, wiping away a mixture of snot and tears that made the larger blond man grimace. “She’s growing up so fast and one day she’ll-“

“Eren. Enough. Go clean yourself up and we’ll grab something to eat afterwards, okay?”

The problem was, it seemed that everyone in Eren’s life had grown far too used with Eren’s behaviour.

Sure, it agitated them whenever they would be laughing and tears would be flowing from his eyes without warning.

Of course, it irritated them that they couldn’t express themselves sometimes without hurting Eren’s feelings, because Eren was just far too passionate about everything. He wore his heart on this sleeve, and had a faucet in his eyes.

Eren was a crybaby. What could they do about that?

What could anyone do about that?

—————————————-

For the first time in your life, you were actually excited to be starting a new job.

Sure, hearing the word “work” alone was enough to make you violently throw up while banging your head on the nearest counter, but until you were able to secure a rich billionaire, your part time job at the local cafè had to do.

Everything seemed quite simple at first, your co-workers were decent. Aside from Colt constantly spilling drinks and Porco losing his temper over nothing, the work environment seemed pleasant enough for you. Your assistant manager, Pieck, was nice enough to show you around and help you with your every need. Serving drinks all day also gave you a chance to socialize with others, which equally seemed ideal since you lived a somewhat isolated life.

It was quite hard however. Even though you were doing everything you were meant to, smiling and having small talk with the customers, occasionally laughing with your co-workers, having coffee with Pieck, you never actually felt anything.

In fact, the first time you found yourself feeling anything was when Porco accidentally fell trying to grab some of the freshly ground coffee on the top shelf, and you went down to help him.

Granted, he never hurt himself, but a small part of you couldn’t help but feel something at the possibility that he did, and your mind slowly began wondering to the thought of you towering above him, being in control and having him beg for you, having you in complete domination while he was helpless, needing you and you only. It was a dark and twisted thought, and one that you kept tucked away in that dark abyss you called a mind.

A week into the job, Pieck informed everyone that a man named Eren, Aaron? You never quite got the name down right, would be returning back to work. You didn’t care of course, until you heard Porco complain about him.

“I’d actually prefer working with Braun over Jaeger, and that explains a lot. I can’t fucking stand that crybaby.”

Crybaby, you wondered? Nonetheless, you pretended to be at the till while eavesdropping on their conversation.

“He’s not that bad Galli.” Colt said, placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Sure he can be a little bit, uh, emotional from time to time, but he’s a good guy.”

“He’s fucking pathetic. Didn’t he cry about coffee when he was last here? Everything makes him cry, it’s a wonder he hasn’t shriveled up yet.”

“Pock!!!!”

The three of you turned around, only to see Pieck storm over and slap Porco on the head.

“Eren’s a nice guy, he’s just sensitive. Please be nice, okay?”

You only heard about Eren through your co-workers brief conversations, but the thought of having to work alongside someone like him day in day out seemed exhausting.

Why would anyone would to be around a fucking crybaby?

—————————————

Meeting Eren seemed to go exactly as your co-workers predicated.

Upon stepping foot into the cafè, he began wiping away a few tears and warmly hugged everyone, gushing about how much he’s missed them and that he hoped they were all okay, while making his way to the backroom.

You observed this interaction from the corner of your eye while mopping the floor, all the while agreeing with Porco with how pathetic Eren seemed to be.

Despite his crybaby behavior however, you did find yourself somewhat attracted to him. He was tall and easily towered over you, had eyes that seemed to reflect the greenery of the Amazon rainforest, and had his long brown hair tied up in a neat bun. His shirt hugged his tight muscles and you found your eyes wandering down to his giant hands, thinking about how he could very easily-

“Oh my God!??”

You found yourself being rudely interrupted from your thoughts by a screaming Eren, and rushed over to the backroom to find the tall man leaning over a hole in the wall. His face seemed to be a mixture of intrigue and concern, and it wasn’t until you followed his ray of vision that you saw what he was looking at.

A rat.

No, a giant titanic rat in the corner of the backroom, where food and drinks were stored.

Your first instinct was to grab a broom from behind you and to whack the rat, but you were swiftly stopped by Eren, who grabbed the broom and threw it across the room.

Two thoughts flew past your mind at that moment.

Firstly, the audacity, and secondly, is this man insane?

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” you began, crossing your arms across your chest and smirking, “but there’s a fucking rat over there and I’d like to kill it before one of our customers finds a rat baby in their almond latte.”

“What? Wait what? You want to kill it?” Eren yelled back, placing a hand on his head and pacing around in distress. You raised an eyebrow, confused, but nonetheless unfazed by his behavior.

“It’s an animal, a living being, and regardless if it’s a rat or not, you can’t kill it. I won’t let you.” He exclaimed, suddenly bursting into tears, struggling to find the words to explain himself without the floodgates opening.

“You’re going to give your life up for a rat? Is that the way you want to go?” You replied back in a monotone voice, somewhat amused by the scene unfolding in front of you.

“You don’t understand, you can’t hurt them. Can’t you feel it?” Eren whined back, crying at your nonchalant attitude to killing this rat.

You never had a chance to ask him what he meant by it, since what he did next had you standing there in shock. Eren walked over to the small hole in the corner and grabbed the rat, gently brushing its fur while giving it a warm smile.

The rat stopped squirming around and seemed to lean into Eren’s touch. You continued standing there, completely dumbfounded, while Eren walked to the backdoor and let the rat go.

“I mean this is the nicest way possible, but what the fuck is wrong with you?” You asked, dragging your feet over to Eren, who was still standing at the backdoor with a glazed look on his eyes.

He seemed to completely ignore your question, instead pointing to the wall outside. You followed the route of his finger to see the same rat surrounded by a bunch of smaller of rats, and if your guess was correct, the smaller rats were feeding off the larger one.

“It’s beautiful isn’t?” Eren whispered, a stray tear escaping his eyes. “Life is so beautiful and I can’t believe I reunited a family.”

“It’s just a rat.” You shot back, but he never heard you, instead too caught up in his own thoughts. He turned over to you, and just smiled, causing you to move away with a scowl on your face.

“What the hell Eren? Stop smiling at me like that pervert.”

“You know,” he muttered, leaning closer to you. “You’re a good person. I can feel it.”

He was pathetic, and you knew that. So why on earth did you feel a small tinge in your heart after hearing his words?

———————————————

A few weeks passed since the infamous “rat incident”. You and Eren continued working side by side, and he seemed desperate to get to know you better, constantly asking you questions and being by your side, which infuriated you to no end.

You tried complaining to Pieck, but she just laughed it off, saying that was just Eren, always trying to reach out to people and help them.

Help them? You wondered. You were doing perfectly fine, and the last thing you needed was help from a manchild like him.

You decided your best tactic would be to just ignore him and constantly be on the move, which seemed to work, until a few days later when you were working the till and Eren was sweeping up behind you.

An old lady had walked in, ordered two drinks and a few snacks, and was standing there, anxiously twirling her fingers. She kept looking at the door, as if she was waiting for someone, and kept checking her watch just as often.

You brushed off her behaviour and continued preparing her drinks, but Eren noticed the woman’s actions and found himself intrigued. He put his broom down and walked over to her, offering her a warm smile.

“Excuse me ma’am, but I couldn’t help but wonder if you were okay?” He asked, paying close attention to her body language just in case her words betrayed her.

“I’m alright thank you.” The old woman replied, placing her hand on Eren’s to reassure him. “I’m just waiting for my daughter to arrive, I haven’t seen her in a while.”

“Really?” Eren enquired back, leaning forward. “When was the last time you saw her?”

“Since she was a child. I couldn’t raise her myself so I had to put her up for adoption. Thankfully she was raised by a wonderful family, and I’ve been in touch with her for quite some time now, and I’m finally seeing her for the first time since I gave her away.” The lady quietly said with a bittersweet smile, blinking back tears.

What shocked you the most wasn’t the lady’s story, but rather Eren’s reaction towards it. As if on cue, tears began flowing from his soft green eyes, and he couldn’t stop himself as the waterworks began. He pulled the lady closer, leading to a raised eyebrow from Porco who happened to walk past at that moment, and proceeded to engulf the lady in a tight hug, whispering about how he felt sorry for her, that he understood her, that he could feel her pain.

You couldn’t help but scoff at his words. Understand? What did he understand?

Pain? How did he feel her pain? What did he know about anyone else’s emotions?

It was just his hero complex, you thought. He was always trying to save everyone around him and carry the weight of their feelings.

He was pitiful, you assured yourself, carrying over the lady’s order and ignoring her and Eren’s symphony of tears, before promptly retreating to the backroom to collect yourself.

But if he really was as pathetic as you convinced yourself he was, why did you find yourself touched by everything he did?

And why did you feel a wet patch forming between your legs at the very thought of him?

________________________________________

“That lady’s story is heartbreaking. I can’t stop thinking about her.”

“Eren if you don’t stop talking I will throw myself out this car.”

You had finally finished your shift, and due to the universe’s love of playing sadistic games on you, your car had broke down and you couldn’t book yourself a taxi. You awkwardly asked your co-workers to give you a lift home, putting aside your pride since you hated asking others for help.

Pieck sadly turned you down, stating that she and her partner Hange were having a date night, Colt had to pick his brother up from his swimming lesson, and Porco said he was meeting someone for dinner, and you’re pretty sure that meant Reiner, and that unfortunetly left you with one option.

Eren.

The thought of Eren driving you home, talking non stop, then bursting into tears over a hedgehog on the side of the road.

Maybe crawling home isn’t such a bad idea, you wondered.

Eren, being the tentative man he was, seemed to sense that something was bothering you, and after quizzing a stressed out Colt, he promptly grabbed you by the arm and began steering you to his car, insisting that he wouldn’t take no for an answer, and that the two of you were friends. He had to help you, and had to make sure you got home safe.

Fast forward 15 minutes later, and you’re slumped in the front of his car praying for Eren to shut up, while he was driving and gushing over everything the two of you drove past.

Bored and unable to escape, you leaned back to close your eyes, but caught a faint pink bra in the back of his car. You felt shocked, not only because you couldn’t imagine anyone putting up with Eren for sex since he seemed like the type to burst into tears as soon as you took your top off, but also your own feeling of brief jealousy. Why did the thought of Eren’s face buried in someone else’s thighs make your body burn with envy?

“Eren.” You called out, leading to a swift turn of the head from the tall man next to you, somewhat suprised since you never initated a conversation with him first. “You never told me you had a girlfriend.”

“A, what?” He replied, genuinely confused at your question. “I don’t have a, oh my God. Mikasa?” He exclaimed, eyes following your finger which was pointed towards the bright pink bra behind you both.

“Mikasa?”

“She’s my best friend, we grew up together and she lives with us. She’s dating a mutual friend of ours called Jean. Me and her share this car, so I’m guessing her and Jean were messing about.” He said, slightly grimacing at the thought of the pair of them fucking in his car.

“So you’re not seeing anyone?” You found yourself asking before you could stop yourself.

“No.” He laughed, slightly loosening the grip on the steering wheel. “I’m waiting for the right person. What about you?” He asked, his eyes flickering towards you.

“Not anymore. I just got out of an awful relationship. I drove miles to surprise him only to catch him in bed with his ex, who he was seeing behind my back throughout our entire relationship.” You responded, closing your eyes and feeling a heavy weight go off your shoulders.

You rarely spoke about the end of your only and most heartbreaking relationship, prefering to deal with it the same way you deal with everything else. Pretending it never happened.

Silence befell the car afterwards, and you kept your eyes closed for a few minutes as Eren drove into your apartment driveway. You felt the car come to a stop and opened your eyes to thank him, only to see him staring ahead with tears rolling down his eyes. He looked heartbroken, almost the same way you did when you walked in on your ex in bed with his ex, and for a brief second you remembered the words he said to you all those weeks ago.

I can feel your pain.

“Eren-”

“What he did was wrong, how could he hurt you like that? Why are some people so awful, how does he live with himself?” He rambled, tears now pouring and wails escaping his lips.

You sat there dumbfounded, unsure of what to do, before deciding to invite him upstairs to your apartment for a drink. While you didn’t want to admit it, a small part of you felt touched by Eren’s reaction, and somewhat aroused by the sight of his tears.

Eren quickly agreed to your offer, and a few drinks later, the pair of you were relaxing on your sofa and watching a dull romance made for TV movie, and you found yourself slowly laying your head on Eren’s shoulder, slightly tired from your long day. You weren’t sure how long you were lying there, since next thing you knew you felt something watery on top of your head, and bolted up to see Eren crying. Again.

The rational part of you would have ignored him, and told him to go home since you both had an early shift tomorrow morning. The emotional side of you would have tried to calm him down and talk some sense into him.

But the third side of you, a darker and unknown part of you, felt slightly turned on, and wanted to see more tears falling from his pretty green eyes. Not knowing what overcame you, you crashed your lips onto his, tasting his salty tears.

Eren was confused, but quickly began mirroring your actions, attempting to wrap an arm around your waist. You grabbed his arm and pushed him down on the sofa, straddling his waist with your legs and continuing to kiss him, making it very clear that you were the one in control here.

His mouth fell open with ectasy and his face was painted with surprise, and you moved your body a bit lower only to feel his hard rock erection poking through his trousers. You barely touched him and he was already falling apart, he really was pathetic.

“I bet you really want to tell me something but you can’t talk without crying, can you?” You purred in his ear, resulting in Eren bucking his hips up in a desperate need to feel you.

“I-. I don’t, please touch me.” He whimpered, tears of pleasure coating his pretty eyes. “Please, I need you.”

“I haven’t even done anything and you’re already coming apart? You pathetic crybaby.” You said, resulting in a moan escaping Eren’s lips. He was just as deranged as you were.

You started to slowly remove all your clothing aside from your bra and panties, and slowly began to grind your clothed slit on his clothed shaft, and placed your fingers in his mouth to silence him. He tried reaching out to remove your bra but you swatted his arm away and he instantly placed his arms beside him, eager to please you.

“You’re just misunderstood, aren’t you Eren? You cry because you can feel everything and it hurts you, doesn’t it?” He whimpered at your words and you placed your fingers deeper into his mouth, resulting in a small gag falling from his lips as you continued to grind on him even faster. “You’ve just got a massive heart, don’t you, crybaby?”

Eren furiously nodded at your words, still bucking his hips upwards and so desperate to touch you, but obidently kept his arms next to him, not wanting to disregard your command earlier, and was now sobbing around your fingers. You stopped your grinding and slowly removed your fingers from his mouth, and you and Eren’s eyes remained fixated on the string of saliva that followed it.

You slid off his body to remove your own bra and panties, leading to a whine from Eren, who was clearly distraught over the fact that he never got to take them off for you. You motioned for him to copy you, and within seconds he was just as bare as you were, lying back on the sofa and obidently watching you.

You climbed on top of him again, but instead of paying attention to his hard and aching member, you dragged yourself up across his chest until your wet core was over his collarbone, and began rubbing, instantly moaning at the feeling of his collarbone grinding against your clit.

To say Eren was in heaven was an understatement. He tried to rub his tears away but you grabbed his hand, telling him to let the tears flow, and that he looked so pretty when he cried, and that he was your good boy, your pretty crybaby.

Eren was sure his heart was going to explode from the praise, and he placed his hands on your hips, helping you move quicker against his collarbone. The combination of Eren’s tears and the feeling on your aching core rubbing against him was too much, and you came all over his chest.

Eren, being the sweet crybaby he was, cleaned your juices from his chest and smiled at you, almost as if he experienced your own release. He reached his hand towards you and slowly caressed your cheek.

“That was amazing, you’re amazing. You’re so beautiful.” He whispered, a stark contrast to his earlier sobs.

He looked so serene, with his lovely green eyes blown with lust, and his cheeks coated with a mixture of new and dried tears. He was so sweet, and content with leaving everything there, just as long as you were happy. How could you deny him when he looked so pretty below you, placing your own pleasure above his?

You moved further back across his body and gently touched his aching shaft, before softly stroking it and watching the pretty tears fall from Eren’s face. He held back a sob, trying to retain his composure, but you pulled his face closer, muttering praise in his ears.

“Let’s those tears drown you, Eren.”

You hovered over his cock and began slowly sinking into it as the pair of you hissed in pleasure and the sudden new feeling. Eren laid frozen, trying to process the feeling of being inside you. He buried his head in your shoulder, quietly sobbing in joy.

“Please, please can I move? You feel so good, fuck-“

You placed a kiss on his lips to silence him, before slowly moving your hips back and forth, with Eren bucking up into you as the pair of you chased euphoria.

“You feel so good Eren, my little crybaby.” You moaned, feeling closer to coming a second time as Eren continued pounding into you while gently rubbing your aching clit. “You’re just like me aren’t you?”

Eren never heard the second part, as he was fully sobbing as this point, wondering how someone could feel so good, and secretly hoping you’d let him touch you like this again. His mind was clouded with possibilities of the two of you doing this again in the future, and he was certain he’d had fallen in love with you at this point.

He had a small vision of marrying you, which was pathetic, he knew, but the thought of it drove him to the edge, and he painted your walls white while tears fell from his eyes, and his waterworks was enough to make you clench around him as you came.

An orchestra of sobs and moans filled the room as you both came undone together, and you slightly grimaced as you got off him and fell into his chest. The weight of what had just happened hit you, but rather than be regretful, you leaned into Eren’s touch, who had immediately pulled you closer into a hug as soon as he pulled out, as if he was afraid of you vanishing and leaving him.

A silence befall you both as you quietly laid there listening to each other’s heartbeats, before you turned over to Eren.

“I didn’t mean to call you pathetic. You’re actually kinda nice. There’s nothing wrong with being a crybaby.” You whispered, noticing how his face lit up at your words.

“People mock me all the time for it, but there’s nothing wrong with being a crybaby. I really don’t care what anyone thinks, well, apart from you.” He replied, nuzzling his face into your neck. “Besides, it’s whole reason this happened.”

“Well, maybe I might just let you fuck me again. Crybaby.” You laughed.

“A crybaby who made you come twice.”

“Shut up Eren.”

Suffice to say, Eren and his crybaby tears kept coming back to you since that day.

#eren smut #eren jaeger #eren x reader #eren jeager x reader #eren jeager smut #eren jeager x you #snk fanfiction #eren fanfiction

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saudade-mayari · 3 years

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Hi! It’s me ☺️ I’m not the last anon but I want to become a psychiatrist, and ik it’s different working with physical health rather than mental health, but even so, do you have any tips on how to toughen up? Working with patients and other people in such a cutthroat environment will definitely be an enormous challenge for someone as sensitive as me. I’m a big crier!

OMG AVE. I CANT BELIEVE YOU’RE IN MY ASK BOX. SLIGHT FAN GIRLING ALERT IM SO SORRY.

during my clerkship year back in 2017-2018. I had a 2 months rotation in psychiatry. Maybe there are few things that I learned during those 2 months. However, this field is nowhere in my specialty since im honing myself in pediatrics for 2 yrs now.💜

—one thing I learned in psychiatry during my clerkship is the massive employment of variety treatment modalities like psychotherapy, psychosocial interventions and medications.

—generally in pediatrics the ones mentioned above are the common psychiatric diagnosis we do before we hand them over to psychiatrists.

—any pre med program is actually okay for psychiatry but it is always preferred to be psych and med bio (slight in pharmacy) and i truly understood that.

—first is babe try honing foundations in your pre med years. because either way you’re going to enter med school as well and you’re gonna have to experience some scopes that are far from psychiatry. although its only almost 20% of what we’ve learned in pre med it still helps. the foundation matters.

—general mental tip as a med student most especially in your preferred specialization is try your best on managing your anger during crisis. hard bcoz med school is literally filled with breakdowns and mental crisis but try your best to have a healthy coping mechanism. (eg. mine i wake up at 5am to watch sunrise while i memorize for the upcoming reválida)

—toughen up in a sense that do not put all the burdens to yourself. you’re going to deal one of the biggest and stereotyped crisis in the world so form your study group. reválidas and retdems aren’t new to you as well and for someone who wants to specialize in psychiatry, tackling statistics, data and analyzing researches with your peers is seriously important.

—on my 2 months of psychiatry dept, i learned that taking webinars, seminars and conferences is important. it is more than just physical application but mental analyzation as well and you need many many seminar participation in order to fully understand and scope more on your field of specialization.

—since psych is once of its basic foundations always remember that you can’t remain detached and objective when studying and analyzing in psychology. application to your peers, family members and personal life is always a key point.

—general and clinical pharmacology!!!! this too is one of the most important things i have learned as a major in pharmacy. CNS drugs, muscarinic and nicotinic receptors should be taken more seriously when going into field of specialization in psychiatry.

—pharmacology is real hard for us. for pharma students pharmacodynamics and kinetics will kill them. however, one of the tips that i still use up til now is keep reading and knowing your body clock. you don’t have to memorize an entire MOA of a drug. just know the drug classifications and you’ll be good to go in surviving pharmacology.

—i highlighted pharmacology because this is one of the controversial issues among stereotypes and as a future psychiatrist. mentally, physically and emotionally prepare yourself how to do a proper patient counseling via knowing the pharmacology of the drugs that you may prescribe in the near future.

—as a future psychiatrist, promote and introduce complimentary and alternative medicine. this would help you and your future patients to be in a broad domain of treating and healing resources that is not practiced in conventional medicine.

—during my clerkship in psychiatry, a senior resident doctor in psychiatry recommended complimentary and alternative medicine like manipulative, biologically based therapies and even body based therapies/practices. when I asked why... the senior resident told me that sometimes even patients who consult for their mental stability would doubt the treatments no matter what persuasion they did. he told me that it’s natural for a patient to be afraid so take consideration on suggesting therapies that wouldn’t require drugs and medications.

—lastly, failing and constant breakdowns will happen in med school no matter how hard you avoid it. that’s just the nutshell of medschool but it’s worth. DEFINITELY WORTH IT.

i dunno if this could help but i made this post for my moot who asked tips in surviving med school.

then upon clerkship on your 4th year in med school, you will have to deal with various rotations other than psychiatry so my previous post will somehow guide you to other decking.

with the current state we are now, wholeheartedly accept the passion and prove them that mental health is composed to many aspects of one’s wellness, social interaction, communication skills and the ability to express their emotions. 💜✨

#kingkonoha #IM FAN GIRLING OK #luna.personal #ask.luna

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lawyerd · 4 years

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ik you started out law school 100% devoted to public interest and I think you mentioned you shifted to now do private first for a bit. as I'm starting ls this fall and also have PI goals, I was wondering if you would mind talking about that decision? would it be different if you were a different school, place, etc.? love your blog and hoping you are safe rn!

Hey!

Ha yeah I have been on a JOURNEY

A LONG JOURNEY so it is under a cut (at least I think it is? Sorry if it’s not. Xkit is messing with me here).

I’ve told this story in bits and pieces before because I think I was actively figuring it out for myself at the time, but I think - I hope?? - I finally know what I’m doing, so this is a far fuller picture of my thoughts and experiences from the last few years

I actually came to law school because I was interested in politics and had some vague thought that people in politics had law degrees, so I could make this work for myself. Before I started law school, our school mailed us a copy of Just Mercy and during my 1L year I worked with the Innocence Project on a case, and then events in my personal life led to the arrest and incarceration of two separate people close to me for offenses that I personally believe should be decriminalized, so I felt passionate about criminal justice and took an internship with a public defenders office.

The experience wasn’t quite what I thought it would be - my two largest projects were particularly gruesome child pornography defense cases, which was not the work I was interested in doing (and, in retrospect, was a pretty brutal way to introduce a fresh-faced student to public defense work!) - so afterward I cast around aimlessly for a bit. I soon thereafter made law review, and then got an internship with a Federal judge I admired, so I started running in a particular law school circle (law students know the type) and began thinking well, I’m not sure what I want to do, but I now have a very classic big law background, I’ve missed OCI (the on-campus interviewing that happens in the summer after 1L that leads to post-grad jobs in Big Law), but I can start networking and find something that’ll lead me somewhere.

I grew up poor and can’t lie, I was attracted to the idea of big law money! I figured I’d do it for a few years and if I hated it, soft-exit through a clerkship to something more public interest. But in the meantime, hey it’s good experience and I can pay down my student loans. So I took my third internship in a corporate litigation firm. And again, it just was not for me. The environment of the particular office was very isolating, the work was depressing (foreclosing on people’s homes on behalf of banks! asbestos defense! defending employers in discrimination suits!).

So, I kind of scrapped that second, new plan. It’s hard to say I’d turn down one of those jobs if I managed to land one (we are in a pandemic and oh my god they do pay SO MUCH MONEY and I have SO MUCH DEBT), but it’s not where my values are, not something I could stomach long-term, and it’s not work I’m actively out seeking. I finished my law school internships working for a municipal law firm, thinking that would be a good way to marry my interest in politics with my interest in litigation, but it felt a lot like just working at a private DAs office, which I didn’t realize when I started (somehow!) and didn’t particularly enjoy. Just felt like the majority of the work I was doing was litigating punitive laws against the citizenry that I didn’t particularly care for.

Which brings me to now. Three-week post-grad Kit. Hello! Sounds like I’ve still got no fucking clue what I’m doing, but I promise you I have sorted it out now. None of those roles was the exact position I was looking for (well, the judge’s chambers were pretty great) but each taught me enough about what I am looking for that I’m feeling comfortable about my next steps. Notably, I learned that I enjoy litigation a LOT (I did a transactional drafting clinic at school just to dip my toes into those waters to make sure I wasn’t missing out on anything and oh boy, I was not) and I learned from topics that I did not enjoy litigating what I might actually enjoy litigating. In particular, there were several times when I found the law I was working with particularly invigorating but wished that I was doing the plaintiff’s side work on those topics. These areas include torts and employment law cases, but I have also had some exposure to zoning and affordable housing work that I really enjoyed. I also worked as a Tort Law TA for two years, so I think just really freaking enjoy torts. I have also had more exposure to criminal justice work and recently have been rejecting that I didn’t apply to the public defender's office in my region during their last round of hiring.

I am not currently looking for a job (seems like a waste to pour so much into it when clearly nobody is hiring right now) other than glancing vaguely to make sure I’m not missing anything huge, but once I’ve taken the bar exam I’m going to start earnestly seeking plaintiff’s side litigation positions or if I can get it, misdemeanor criminal defense (again, would love to be a public defender, but I have slightly missed the boat there for now). My downstairs neighbor is an attorney at a small firm that does plaintiff's side civil litigation and defendant’s side criminal defense and I would be thrilled if I could land something similar. I just...want to work with people and not corporations and help those people through some of their worst days, if I can. Personal Injury attorneys get a bad rap, but I’m telling you, I fucking love Torts and I genuinely believe there is a public good in helping harmed parties recover expenses from their injuries from wrongdoers.

I think when people hear “public interest” their first thought is non-profit or governmental work, but it’s broader than that. The clinics at my school are all considered “public interest” and some were in areas of law like intellectual property. It’s not about where you work, but the clients you serve. I think I would prefer the kind of firm work I have outlined above to any kind of non-profit because non-profits have more narrow missions and usually work in a more narrow legal capacity (i.e. the ACLU does entirely civil rights law, meanwhile the small firm my neighbor works at that I’ve already used as a point of reference does civil rights cases in addition to family law, securities regulation for some reason, personal injury, etc), but honestly, it would be a privilege to work for a principled non-profit, so I wouldn’t say no to that either.

So that’s where I’m at. It’s been a ride. I’m tired? Is that from the personal journey or is that from typing out six paragraphs about the personal journey? I came to law school because I felt strongly about my own personal values and thought I would like to translate those values into policy. I learned while at law school that litigation is as important an agent for change and protection of the oppressed as legislation and also learned that honestly guys, I am really freaking good at oral arguments and litigation briefs, so I’ve pivoted to this lane. Went on a long journey and it basically took me back to where I started. It’s almost annoying I was so derailed because I could have gotten some great Plaintiff’s side experience while in school, but I didn’t know what I was doing and was flailing openly, casting around. I’m just happy I figured it out now.

#Anonymous

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emakenz · 2 years

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hi bonjour hello ik it's late but also. yes. here have questions.

st. elmo’s fire: what’s one piece advice you would give to someone two years younger than yourself?

dead poet’s society: the last time you made a decision that everyone around you told you not to make, how did it work out?

WAIT NO THATS AWESOME THANKS MAN

alright so. ffor the advice. i would say dont dwell on your past or your future, focus on the present. While planning for your future is a good idea, enjoy life one day at a time, dont rush through life. Enjoy the ride. Dont push yourself too hard, keep a steady pace with your efforts, consistency is key.

About the decision... hmm. Well. This ones personal but i dont mind sharing it in case anyone relates to this and can learn from it. Basically, long story short, i dropped out of high school. I was planning on going back, i was going through therapy for mental health issues (didnt last long for other reasons), but when the time came, i didnt return. I cant function in that sort of environment any longer, not that i could back then, but i could at least manage myself then, now i would break down if i had to go back. Since covid hit, it ruined everything, my whole system was absolutely fucked and i shut down, my dad still talks about how he wanted me to graduate properly and that he was one of the only kids in his family to graduate etc etc, i always get back at him with asking if he had to live through a pandemic, to which he gets pissy about lol. Moving forward, i made up new plans with my new path, im going for the easiest route for a GED since i have issues with understanding things without guidance (i need things to be broken down in simple terms, if you use big confusing words to ask me something, im not gonna get it). Nobodys really happy with the situation but its my life and nobody can force me into a path that i cant fit into, im neurodivergent, i cant function like a neurotypical. Plus i have major anxiety! I have to take the easiest paths or else i will have a meltdown. I get stressed way too easily. So the decision here was that i dropped out and didnt go back to school, that im getting a ged once i meet the qualifications, and that im rebellious against the norms of modern society. Cheat the system that cheats you, take the easiest route to success, in the end youll take pride that you finished something without getting worn down. I am the laziest motherfucker youll meet and i will find the smallest loopholes to get out of something i dont want to be a part of. Anyway thank you for the questions and i hope i answered them decently, i just woke up lmao, and i hope this teaches somebody something! Dont be a dumbass without a backup plan. Have backup plans for your backup plans. >:)

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mycomori · 5 years

Text

vented about the chaos environment at work to my therapist and how it’s effecting me mentally and how i’m this close to just giving up and going back to shitbucks. she agrees thmat it sounds really disorganized and stressful, and that i KNOW shitbucks, and to not think of it as stepping backwards. im scared i guess. i dont know. i jjst fucning wish something would work. i’ve tried to be positive about this job i really fu king have but...i’ve never been so struck so early on in a job what the problems were. like maybe it’s because i cane from being a manager but jjst...this shit is so fucking disorganized there’s no communication i haven’t even bene here a month and i’ve really tried to take it in stride because it feels like i can’t express anything except false positivity there or risk being punished. because it’s happened before. in a similar place. i lost my fucking JOB because of it. because of my mental illness made me not pleasant enough. despite the fact i did my job and did it well. the people that fired me literlaly TOLD me as they were firing me that i was a really hard worker and clearly cared about my work. like i don’t hate work, of i have a stable situation and know what to do i want to work, i want to do my job, but i can’t fucjing do that on this environment. im tryin not to think about how much it’s killing me to even consider going back to shitbucks, let alone having to search for another job after i finally fucking hot one. i don’t know if i’m being stupid. im not quitter, i never have been before. i always left for other reasons, except shitbucks, which i had to quit for my mental health. it was one of the hardest fucking descision i’ve made tho and i STILL regret quitting a year later even tho i know it was better for me. but i still wnat to go back. i can’t tell if that’s stupid or not. i can’t tell anything g. i keep fucjing trying to move foreword but everything always falls apart no matter how hard i work. it’s just proof in my mind that i have no control, that nothing i try to do will ever change myself or my life, and that makes me wanna fucking die every day. i don’t even wanna think about this anymore because i have thought too much in it already, but i really am in the same place as a year ago and a year before that and a year before that. like it never fucking changed no matter how hard i try, i can barely bring myself to do it anymore. like i try i always try but i’m afraid to take any risks at all because i’l FAIL, because i fucking fail even at things i put everything into, everything i try, things i should be good at and i still fail. fucking over and over and over. and iknow failure happens on life, i can deal with that trust me, but when every fucking thing i do every fucking time i try every fucking time i work so hard i kill myself every fuckjng time, it fails. and i’m hoe stay getting so exhausted with it. i don’t know how much more i can deal with it. i know i’ll never kill myself, any more than i’ll ever trust myself, or like myself, or understand myself. but it still breaks me every fucking time. okay i have to stop thinking about this now i’ve had a long day w theroay and art class im just trying to let go ik fucking trying so fucking hard to stay here but i jjst...don’t want to. i don’t want to. but i DO is the thing. i DO want to live. it’s just every fucking time i’ve ever tried to live, to move forward in my life, something fucking fails, and my therapist can tell me it’s not my fault so many times but i’ll never be able to accept it isnt soemthing ti with me. why was i abused? why did i go on to elt the people closest to me treat me like shit? let myslef be used? let my anger build and held it in until i became the thing i feared the most. why did i work so sos so fucjing hard, why did i kill myself for all these things i was told i was suppsoed to care about, things that mattered like school and work and moving to a new life, but none of them, NOTHING, has ever fucking worked.

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henriswinkels · 7 years

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Big Data en privacy

Deze week gaf ik een inleiding bij de debat tussen studenten van de Jheronimus Acadamy of Data Science (JADS) en leden van de Brabants Zeeuwse Werkgeversvereniging (BZW). Het debat was onderdeel van het Erasmus Festival. Onderwerp: Big Data en privacy. Wat kan er, wat zijn de gevaren, hoe gaan we er mee om.

Boeiend om te zien dat in de zaal vooral de studenten zich zorgen maakten, en bij veel werkgevers nu pas het besef begint te komen dat er met de voordelen ook forse gevaren zijn.

Voor de geïnteresseerden: onder ‘lees verder’ de complete tekst van mijn inleiding.

Knowledge is power

Free will and privacy in a world of big data Everything and everyone is online. This is the first sentence of the introduction to this debate. Online everyone and everything leaves digital traces: data. These become big data when they are available in large volumes, variability, velocity and complexity which makes collecting, connecting, analysing and managing data a profession in itself. Or better yet, a science. Data Science!

I am the provincial government of Noord-Brabant’s representative. To us, big data not only represents an opportunity for companies to make a profit and for universities to define new fields of research for their scholarships, as our main interest and motivation focuses on translating big data and all other digital opportunities into prosperity and well-being for all our inhabitants, the Brabanders.

Facebook This will not happen all by itself. If we leave matters as they are, we are afraid Brabant will suffer unfavourable conditions due to technological circumstances. For example, the digital divide might grow. We worry that employees may not be able to acquire the new skills and knowledges required to work in this digital era and will subsequently become unemployed. We are concerned that the dominance of major tech companies such as Google, Facebook and Amazon will take over our current economy just like Uber and Airbnb cornered the market for taxis and hotels. Alongside economic effects, these developments also have many social side effects, many of which are negative.

But before I go into the influence of big data on our free will or privacy, I would like to briefly agree with that first sentence: everything and everyone is online. A sentence that seems self-evident, but is actually inaccurate. Approximately 50% of the world's population is still offline. Particularly in Africa and Asia, which together are home to three quarters of the world's inhabitants. But even in the Netherlands there are still a million of - especially older - residents who do not use the internet.

Digital traces Of course, they also leave unwanted digital traces, but because of their low activity, they remain underrepresented in the big data. This makes big data incomplete and so it is good to realise that big data also has blind spots.

Using the internet and controlling digital technology has another effect on inequality: those who are active online, possess the technological knowledge and digital skills have an economic advantage. They are more capable of gaining prosperity in an increasingly digitised world, in sharp contrast to, for example, the illiterate 20% of the world's population for whom the internet is completely unreachable. With this in mind, we could look at the blessings of big data. Is it true that big data promises to provide the knowledge which can be used to overcome complex issues such as improving care, increasing security and accelerating energy transition? Some even see it as an opportunity to take over our democratic decision-making process. Is that realistic? And in the latter case: is that even desirable?

Well, the answer is no. It's not realistic nor desirable. Impact We're not going to be able to solve these issues with just the knowledge we can glean from big data. Knowledge is not at all the same as understanding. For the latter, we need to weigh facts, observations, situations, stakes and circumstances. And we must constantly test the impact of our actions on the situation we are in. We use prior knowledge, our experience and expertise. By researching, learning and nuancing, we can increase our understanding of a situation thereby creating the opportunity to actually improve that situation. Although knowledge is important for a solution, it should be weighed and valued. And because there is no monopoly on the truth, knowledge must be shared, discussed and further refined. Only then can knowledge develop into understanding.

And there is another problem with big data or rather the way we usually acquire data, how we share it, discuss it and redefine it. The information we share with social media is manipulated. The algorithms designed by Facebook, Twitter, Google and their friends do not focus on understanding, nuance and consensus. Although Mark Zuckerberg argues that his company has a social mission, represents a social community, is open the world and connects to it, companies like Facebook were set up for no other purpose than earning money.

Banal Indeed, reality is more banal than outlined and similarly, the economic success of this formula is celebrated without fear. (In July 2017, Facebook euphorically reported a 45% increase in revenue to $9.3 billion and a growth in profit of 71% to 3.9 billion dollars) Erasmus once wrote: "The most banal is always cheered out, because most of the people have been caught by foolishness."

The explosive revenue and profit is all down to selling ads on mobile devices. So it's definitely not a social enterprise, but a powerful advertising company. Powerful because nowadays a quarter of the world's population is active on Facebook. The only interest on Facebook is everything that, for whatever reason, is interesting for advertisers. The social media designers know exactly how to seduce us into responding, to re-tweeting, forwarding, liking, etc. Think about it. That’s not so difficult. We live by the virtue of being recognised by others. Social media offer this in a very simple way. In addition, if we listen to Erasmus: "After all, the human soul is once set so that it is more likely that we are impressed by an illusion than reality". Let's say, we love to be fooled.

Conspiracies But meanwhile, social media with their algorithms stimulate our interaction. On your timeline, you only receive messages from friends whose algorithms think you'd like to read what they wrote, forward it and like it. All for the purpose of additional advertising exposure. And that makes rumours, conspiracies, absurdities, manipulations, disasters and accidents the most popular items.

In this environment, nuance is contrasted to the pronounced opinion, precisely when it is absurd or overly manipulated. In his book, 'The Praise of Folly' Erasmus wrote: "The more idiotic it is, the more admirers it gets."

In other words social media do not encourage free will. One must be very aware of the mechanisms that lie behind social media in order to cope with these mechanisms. However, the illusion of contact, attention and recognition is like sugar. Even though we know that it is bad for us, we cannot leave it alone especially as it is at our fingertips. It is in our nature. Erasmus would say, "Our soul is set for it".

Dangers Media-literacy is now a verb and it appears on secondary school curricula. The Schnabel committee, Education 2032, presented its findings early last year. It recommended that children should learn to use technology better, but should also be made aware of the dangers. This suggests that it is solely up to the unknown data supplier and the algorithms’ prey to overcome the danger of data technology and big data.

That seems to me a very unequal battle. The future generation deserves to be confronted with a more fundamental criticism of technology. Because technology presents itself as value-free and therefore effective and efficient. And it's important to know that it is by no means value-free. There is always ideology behind data technology. In essence, it is not about efficiency, but about the direction in which we want our society to move. This requires values, principles and moral arguments, as well as discussion, disagreement, debate and a process that carefully balances the various stakeholders’ interests. It even requires a visible, recognisable, accessible and publicly accountable owner.

This is not the case at the moment. The values, principles and moral arguments are solely those of shareholders. And so we uncritically disclose our personal data to make a handful of people overseas rich. The supposed creative spirits of Silicon Valley did not bring us the liberation that they promised, they only made us apathetic apping and zapping couch potatoes. Up to our necks in online contacts, we almost forget about connecting offline and how to do so. In my view, this requires something more than not checking Facebook off for a while or creating a good password. A more fundamental discussion is needed, perhaps a revolution.

Religion And because of this festival. Let's return to Erasmus’ era. An interesting comparison can be made. Even back then, there were people who worshipped a religion without comment or second thoughts. Fools, as Erasmus called them, who followed their religion voluntarily and willingly. They shared their greatest secrets with their priests. Even the things they did not dare to whisper to their neighbours or confidants. They even related their inexorable fantasies, their vices, weaknesses and mistakes.

To be followed – how foolish – by paying for the data they just provided themselves. The church regularly took care of distraction and entertainment, to keep its followers passive. The church became rich at the expense of its gullible followers, yet everyone remained faithful to it. Comfort could be found in the daily process of showing your devotion. People spent more than an hour a day trying to show how compassionate they were. Just to let the community know how connected, well-educated and developed they were.

New Erasmus Can you imagine? Of course, it was a long time ago. Now, 500 years later, we would surely never let this happen again. Or .... could we use a new Erasmus?

Today we will be starting the debate. And it is very important that we do so, because these topics are too important to leave to middle aged men in boardrooms or the elected representatives of the provincial government.

We need you, scientists and young thinkers to help us reconceptualise our future: what is heading our way? What are good responses for municipalities, the national government and for us, the provincial government? How can we collaborate to keep Brabant a prosperous region where working hard and living well go hand in hand? I look forward to hearing your ideas on this!

#erasmus festival #JADS #BZW #big data #provincie #gedeputeerde #gedeputeerde henri swinkels #henri swinkels #gedeputeerde swinkels #brabant #noord-brabant #provincie noord-brabant #double_size

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newcatwords · 7 years

Text

book review: “Kanaka ʻōiwi methodologies : moʻolelo and metaphor” (part two)

this is part 2 of a review of Kanaka ‘Oiwi Methodologies: Mo’olelo and Metaphor, edited by Katrina-Ann R Kapāʻanaokalāokeola Nākoa Oliveira and Erin Kahunawaikaʻala Wright.

read part 1 here.

as in the first section, i’ll be sharing some of the notes i made as i was reading each chapter.

“Mo’olelo for Transformative Leadership: Lessons from Engaged Practice” by Kaiwipunikauikawekiu Lipe

this chapter deals with the problem of education and research in a predominantly non-Hawaiian institution (University of Hawai’i at Manoa).

the author shares her personal history and discusses how she did her doctoral research which focused on the question “How can the University of Hawai’i at Manoa (UHM), a predominantly non-Hawaiian university, be transformed into a Hawaiian place of learning?”

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on ‘olelo no’eau (hawaiian proverbs and sayings):

“Since I was a little girl, ‘olelo no’eau have been both fun and useful. It is always exciting to learn an ‘olelo no’eau because it usually captures a longer mo’olelo and collection of lessons in one or two easily memorizable phrases: An ‘olelo no’eau is a secret password or code into a rich, captivating mo’olelo that folks can easily share and refer to. At the same time, an ’olelo no’eau is always useful because once it is known and understood, when it is referred to, everyone can automatically connect to the meaning, lessons, and mo’olelo captured within it.” (this oncept is perfectly explored in the star trek the new generation episiode “darmok” )

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“...I have also learned to share my own mo’olelo for the purpose of imparting a lesson, special memory, or experience with others.” i do this also all the time, especially in my anti-sexism/cultural studies/empathy work with others. i’ve discovered that this is often the best way to get through to folks who would otherwise not understand, folks who are not accustomed to seeing things from the perspective of other people. one reason why i value hawaiian scholarship is because of its focus on the use of stories for education and for its thorough exploration of the various elements that go into effective storytelling for learning. for some kinds of knowledge, only stories seem to do! for example, all the facts in the world about sexism will not help someone who doesn’t understand that there’s a patriarchy and that what is being asked of them is to share anger at injustice, as per michael mark cohen. additionally, hawaiian scholarship that i’ve read doesn’t just state this info about stories, but reveals this truth through stories - they tell stories where the lesson is that stories are great, and because it’s a story, it sticks in the mind, which is one of the main reasons why stories are great for education: a good story sticks in the memory really well (like a good song, which is one form of story). a good story also often proves itself relevant and useful in many situations. when you’re with people who don’t know the story and they are puzzling over an issue the story helps with, you can tell the story (which, because it’s a story, is easy to remember because it’s a good story). a good story that’s useful to people will be told because the teller wants to share the good info with others. an example of a story like that: if you went on a trip to a certain place and it turns out that the road was washed out at a particular spot where you weren’t expecting it. you meet someone who’s going on the same trip, you tell them about how you were just there last week and the road was washed out. it took you an hour to find a way around, but now you can tell your friend and they can avoid having to deal with the hole. the story has useful info and is easy to remember because it comes in the form of a story (as something that happened to you on your trip, etc.)

i’ve found that personal stories are most effective in sharing some kinds of knowledges, but often the stories are ones of sad and/or painful things from my past. when a person isn’t getting the trauma of something like not being able to find a job, or being abused, or being harassed, it’s hard to have to shit out your personal experiences of being abused or having no money or being humiliated and feeling violated. often i have to share multiple stories for the person to get the point (because especially with systemic injustice, the constant recurring nature of the injustice and the cumulative effect of all the previous injustices is a big part of how it messes you up (aka the trauma)). so it’s hard to have a person stare blank-faced at you as you tell them that being abused is hard, and it’s also hard to deploy your own painful history (no matter how over it you are, it can still be sad to think of shit things that have happened to you) for their education. in the best cases you end up a little sad remembering how you (or people you care about) suffered/suffer and sad that so many people still don’t see “what the big deal is” in this suffering. in the worst case, you get re-traumatized all over again. i still do it because for now it’s still worth it to me. i am actively engaged in one-on-one informal education projects with specific people whose lives i have decided to share, and i use the stories because life is short and so far it’s the best way i’ve found to have the person understand where i’m coming from. but it is a shitty cost and i want to find a solution for this problem.

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“Although I engaged in mo’olelo all my life as foundational forms of teaching and learning methodology, mele, oli, hula, ‘olelo no’eau, and storytelling were almost never used or invited into the classroom in the doctoral program I attended in a Western, predominantly non-Hawaiian higher education institution.”

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the author was moved by the concept of survivance by Gerald Vizenor, but wanted to develop a concept that was specific to the Hawaiian context:

“I thought of Indigenous scholars such as Dr. Graham Smith (2003), who argues that Indigenous peoples must move beyond the terms and processes of decolonization and look to our own traditions and cultures to rediscover what is innately in us. Similarly, I thought of Dr. Pualani Kanaka’ole Kanahele (2012), who reminds us that our ancestors live within us and that the knowledge and experiences of our ancestors are passed down from generation to generation through DNA. But inviting this ‘ike kupuna (ancestral knowledge) into the academy - and having the confidence to do so - was often difficult and daunting because I was constantly bombarded by Western theory, literature, and methodologies. Little, if any, space was made for Indigenous knowledge systems (Lipe 2013).”

Lipe has created a framework that’s similar to the idea of survivance but that comes from her own culture: ‘a’ali’i ku makani. ‘a’ali’i is a plant native to hawaii. being ‘a’ali’i is what the author suggests we all need to become in order to “transform UHM into a Hawaiian place of learning.”

she tells this story:

“When I was little, my mother often taught me chants during long car rides. This helped the time pass and invited me into another realm of Hawai’i. ... During my doctoral journey...I was also fulfilling my responsibilities as a mother. One of those responsibilities was driving my children to school, an hour-long commute from where we lived. During those car rides, we often chanted and sang Hawaiian songs to pass the time, engaging in the tradition of mo’olelo en route passed down by my mother.

On one particular morning, as I made my way onto H-1 East from Likelike Highway, I happened to be chanting Maewa i ka Hao Mai a ka Makani by Kainani Kahaunaele (1997) to my children:...”

Similar to what we saw in Dr. Lopes’ chapter (see part one), the ideas present in the chant led Dr. Lipe to come up with the ‘a’ali’i metaphor/methodology.

the main section of the chapter includes excerpts from interviews with two women the author did research with who, she argues, exemplify the concept of ‘a’ali’i ku makani. you’ll have to get the book to read them. i encourage you to do so!!!

“Indeed, the women are ‘a’ali’i. First, they are deeply rooted in Hawai’i. Then they draw strength from that rootedness and become flexible, resilient, beautiful women who, every day, live into survivance. Specifically, they withstand challenging environments and, using their ‘a’ali’i qualities, manage to bloom and transform currently contentious, racist environments back into Hawaiian places of learning.”

“I share these stories for three main reasons. First, I want to demonstrate how the ‘a’ali’i ku makani framework, informed by oli and ‘olelo no’eau, illuminated the ‘a’ali’i qualities and life cycle within the mo’olelo of the women. Second, I re-present their stories to demonstrate the importance of mo’olelo aku, mo’olelo mai - sharing and receiving stories - as a methodology, because when we value narratives and take the time to study them, so much can be learned. As each of us reads the mo’olelo of the two kumu, we each glean both similar and unique lessons based on who each of us are and our own life experiences. However, we can only connect to the mo’olelo if we take the time to learn from them, which requires us to first value mo’olelo and then to spend time with them.”

“Ka Wai Ola: The Life-Sustaining Water of Kanaka Knowledge” by Katrina-Ann R. Kapa’anaokalaokeola Nakoa Oliveira

the author begins with the metaphor of streams, ‘auwai (”irrigation ditches that divert some of the water from the stream into lo’i and then channel it back to the stream.) this picture may help you visualize ‘auwai if you’re not familiar with the concept:

[this image is from http://www.hawaiihistory.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=ig.page&CategoryID=299 ]

there’s an excellent section on maps & the difficulty of discussing concepts across languages:

“Not only do I write in two languages but my complementary academic backgrounds also inform my scholarship. As a geographer by training and a kumu ‘olelo Hawai’i [ed: master teacher of the Hawaiian language] by profession, I have faced the dual challenges of writing ma ka ‘olelo Hawai’i about non-Kanaka constructs such as “mapping” and “cartographic representations” and writing in English while liberally incorporating ‘olelo Hawai’i terms. How does one write ma ka ‘olelo Hawai’i about non-Kanaka concepts? How does one write about Kanaka mapping practices for instance, when the word for map, ‘palapala ‘aina’ (land document), reflects a non-Kanaka construct? That is, although ancestral Kanaka did have methods for locating themselves on the landscape, these methods did not include two-dimensional line drawings on paper until postcontact times. Before their use of maps, Kanaka employed ‘performance cartographies’ or what I like to call ‘wisdom maps’. Through hula, mele (poetry), mo’olelo (historical accounts), and other modes of performance, ancestral Kanaka were able to embed in the minds of their audience an image of the places celebrated in the hula, mele, and mo’olelo.”

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part three

back to part one

#hawaiianstudies #hawaii #bookreview

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sindy-cgvirtual · 7 years

Text

Documentation of the pipeline

1. Reflection of what you have achieved in Milestone 1A through to 1C

2. Examination of what new knowledge you have developed, and what knowledge you need to further develop in the pipeline of an animated shot

· Milestone 1A

With the first assignment of this unit, it has helped me with the introduction to the animation in the Unreal Engine 4 in terms of using level sequence and compositing in Unreal Engine 4 with camera setting and movement. Similar to other 3D software such as Maya and Cinema 4d, the animation is created with the same principles in Unreal Engine 4 in terms of keying frames and graph editors. So what I have learnt through milestone 1a is basically the introduction of the user interface in Unreal Engine 4 in terms of the functions in level sequencer, and also the camera cuts function.

One of the learning point that is necessary to mention is the custom passes are available to choose in the rendering function, it is useful and effective in terms of moving onto the composition stage in Adobe After Effects by importing image sequences and blending different passes with different blending mode to achieve the final output.

Through the process of compositing different layers of custom passes in After Effects, I have managed to visually understand how are those custom passes work, such as the Ambient Occlusion pass keeps the shadows of the edges and final image pass keeps all the colours.

· Milestone 1B

Through milestone 1b, what I found the most excited to learn is the Animation and Rigging Tool (A.R.T) which is very effective in creating character with joints and controls. It is a plugin for Maya that helps with generating the skeletal meshes that is ready for starting with animating, the proxy geometry can be deformed with handy controls which provide users with the maximum customization of joint numbers and shape of the meshes.

After the creation and deformation of the proxy meshes, I have also used all the controls to pose the character with multiple tries and manipulations. Except for the traditional FK mode and IK mode of the joints, I have tried the new dynamic mode of the joints for the first time and applied it to the hair movement, even though it is not actually worked successfully, but it is a new knowledge for me and I think it is useful and worthy for me to further develop the relevant skill instead of animating the hair manually and time-consuming frame by frame.

In general, the A.R.T is the biggest gain in my knowledge through milestone 1b. Other than that, I have also learnt the pipeline of exporting from Maya and importing into Unreal Engine 4. Unlike simply importing the model in fbx file type, for animated model, it is compulsory to add the skeleton to the animated model to complete the importing process, which is also what I have learnt new with the exporting and importing pipeline while transiting between different software with correct setting without any data loss in any forms.

· Milestone 1C

Milestone 1C is actually the combination of milestone 1a and 1b, by applying what we I have learnt through previous assignments together to the milestone 1c assignment. However, there are still something new for me to learn through this assignment.

As it is tasked with the deliverables of lighting environment and character with simple composition and text animation in the final output according to the example given, lighting the environment is where I start with first. Through multiple tries, it helped me to know about different types of lights in Unreal Engine 4 and add them to the environment with different settings to create different atmosphere. For each lighting environment, it encourages me to research for reference images and observe the details. Additionally, what I found useful are the post process volume and sky sphere to adjust the overall environment, so as the bloom effect of the sunlight to simulate god light casting and the emitter function to create the fog.

Speaking of composition in After Effects, unlike the custom passes rendered for milestone 1a, I have rendered different passes for compositing and visually understood what details of the scene they are keeping such as lighting roughness and post-tone map. The custom passes are useful and enable users with maximum customization in terms of compositing the multi-passes with different level of details, which I feel is necessary to learn and develop the relevant skills so as to better apply them to the post-production stage.

At the stage of compositing text animation with the scene, in terms of blocking the texts from the character, where using masks would be too time-consuming to be animated every frame to make it follow the character movement. Hence, I have adapted to render the character solely with base colour pass and adjust it to alpha channel in After Effects in order to be used for Luma inverted matte function to block the text.

By using the same alpha channel, I also managed to adjust the background of the scene with different colour while excluding the character. Through this process, it helped me to get better understanding of the TrkMat function and it also improved my problem-solving skill in terms of thinking in different way and achieve different result while adapting same principle.

3. Identification of your selected specialist stream for Assignment 2, including your areas of priority, chosen task and personal objectives

My preferred specialist stream will be the Asset Development Roles and focusing on developing modular asset kit that focuses on reusability and robustness in response to the provided concept art. My personal objectives are being a modeller while creating accurate models based on the design reference despite of the complexity and paying attention to details as well as being sensitive to shapes and proportions.

4. Identification of one industry job/role OR one inspirational artist/studio relevant to your chosen stream and explanation of why

The CG Modeller is my preferred job role in the industry as it satisfies my interest in visualizing the ideas and concepts into actual assets. It can also improve my ability of observing details to enhance my accurate modelling skills. Furthermore, the texturing process provides users with maximum flexibility in creating different atmosphere and styles, which I feel it is an efficient way to develop imagination to further extend.

5. Identification of the knowledge and skills required for your selected stream, and a written understanding of these skills / responsibilities in your own words

Generally, being a modeller means to create three-dimensional computer models of everything needed for the project. I think it is necessary to be able to think in 3D, it also requires attention and observation to details while being able to accurately model according to various design reference of complicated and even organic styles.

Additionally, it is crucial to be sensitive to scale, shape, weight and volume, and it is necessary to do UV-mapping for texturing process.

Furthermore, the communication and team-building skills are very important as the models should not only meet the requirement of the production designer in terms of visualization and translation of design reference, but also satisfy the technical requirement in terms of efficiency, reliability, scalability, handiness in rigging and animating, which requires effective communication between relevant departments.

Except for the technical skills, interpersonal and collaboration skills are also very important. As it is very common to work as a team while being a modeller, as mentioned above, communication skill is very important, while problem-solving skills is also an essential element, so as the time management skills in terms of the ability to deliver on time and efficiently under pressure.

6. Identification of your current knowledge and skills in this stream as per #4, and what will need to be developed throughout the semester

The study in the major of animation both in Diploma institution and University has helped critically to gain the most important and necessary knowledge of industry-standard 3D software such as Maya and Cinema 4D, as well as the supportive software such as Adobe Creative Suite.

However, the proficiency of these techniques gained during school is considered as a trainee or junior level, the property of animation knowledge is that more and deeper skills are getting possessed and developed with the experiences gained and accumulated. Hence, involving into professional works as much as possible will be great option such as doing internship, which I am going to take during summer semester.

Generally, I hope to further develop my modelling and texturing skills in terms of details and accuracy in terms of translating from 2D design references of diverse range of styles into 3D models.

Moreover, the Unreal Engine 4 is a powerful software for real-time environment, but I am still at very introductive level of the skills. As both KNB221 and KNB222 are units which require me to deliver multiple assignments with Unreal Engine 4, this is a good and effective opportunity to enhance my knowledge and skill in Unreal Engine 4 practically.

7. Identification of at least three starting resources to further develop your knowledge and description of how this will aid you

In order to further develop the relevant knowledge and skills, the most convenient way will be the YouTube tutorial videos without a doubt, as well as the Lynda essential training videos. The resources are diverse and free to watch, which the explanations and narratives are effective in guiding self-learners with clear and understandable steps. Similarly, the online animation course is a good option as well with professional mentors.

The Internship opportunities would be the most direct and effective way to get relevant specialized knowledge and experiences. It will help me to promote exposure to the specialized field and gain the real world experience for which the employers are seeking.

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