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ihni · 8 months

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Of mothers

(on AO3)

Billy was just a kid when his mother left him. She told him she had to go, that she had to get out, that she needed to get away from his dad. She said she would sort things out, and that she’d come back for him. But she never did. Her calls became less and less frequent, and Billy grew more and more desperate. Perhaps she heard it in his voice over the phone and found it as sickening as his dad did, because eventually, she stopped calling entirely. One day when Billy called the number she had given him, no one picked up. On the twelfth attempt – after eleven with no answer – Billy found that the number had been disconnected.

Grief consumed him, almost as if she had died. He would have almost preferred it if she had, because at least then it wouldn’t have been her choice to leave him behind. At least then, no one would look at him and wonder what was so wrong with him that even his own mother didn’t want him. So he started telling people who asked why he was living with only his father that his mom was dead. Car accident, or cancer, or falling to her death while rock climbing – the cause of death differed from time to time and depending on who asked. Mostly, people stopped asking questions when he told his lies.

But sometimes, they called him out on it.

One time Jason, one of his classmates, overheard him when he told a new classmate that his mom had died on an expedition to South America. Jason pushed him, and said – loudly – that his mom had told him that Billy’s mom wasn’t dead at all; that she’d left, and was alive and well because Jason’s mom had seen her in a department store on the other side of town a couple of weeks ago.

Billy, who hadn’t seen his mother for five months at this point, saw red. He hit Jason in his lying mouth, and kept hitting even as people tried to stop him. A teacher eventually showed up and pulled him off of Jason, and the both of them were taken to the principal’s office; Jason, after he’d been patched up by the school nurse.

Their parents were called. Billy’s dad couldn’t leave work immediately, so Billy had to sit in the principal’s office alone while Jason and Jason’s mom and the principal all looked at him as if he was trash. Jason’s mom went on a tirade about Billy being a delinquent who hurt innocent kids, and at one point she directed her words at Billy directly and told him that what he had done was wrong and that he was bad for acting like this, and Billy had to dig his fingers into his knees so he wouldn’t start crying. He wished for his mom to be there too, to stand up for him the way Jason’s mom stood up for Jason, but his mom wasn’t there and his dad was at work and Billy was alone.

Neil showed up just as Jason and his mom left, and Jason’s mom’s voice was low but clear when she told him that Billy obviously needed some structure – a female presence – in his life. Billy gritted his teeth and refused to look up. Neil sent Billy out into the hallway while he spoke to the principal, and then he took Billy home for the day. Neither one of them spoke a word to each other in the car, but once they got home Neil pushed Billy up against a wall, got in his face and told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever did anything like that again, he’d be sorry. Billy opened his mouth, then, tried to tell his dad what Jason had said about his mom, but Neil just slapped him and growled that she left us, Billy, get that through your thick skull! Then he shook Billy so hard that Billy’s teeth rattled, and left him in his room, with a smarting cheek and unable to hold back his tears.

Sometime later, Billy’s dad brought a woman home. Her name was Susan, and Billy didn’t like her. She was quiet and nervous with a smile that looked too practiced to be sincere. She had a daughter, Max, who was a couple of years younger than Billy and who looked at Billy with a mixture of curiosity and hope. Billy hated both of them. He wanted his own mother, not this discount version that his dad had brought home along with her ugly-ass kid. But Neil told him that Susan and Max were a part of the family now, and that family was the most important thing there was, and that Susan was his mother now, in all the ways that mattered. Billy knew in his heart that it wasn’t true, but didn’t dare argue. Instead he lowered his gaze and said yes sir.

The first time Billy’s dad slapped him in front of Susan, her eyes widened ever so slightly in alarm. It was enough to make Billy hope that maybe, maybe she would do something, or speak up on his behalf like Jason’s mom had spoken up for Jason that day. But Susan said nothing. Just blinked and bit her lip and turned her back on them to get started on dinner.

And even though their little family had just gone from two to four people, Billy was more alone than ever. He hated it, he hated them all, and he pushed little Max away with words and shoves when she tried to get close to him, because no matter what Neil said, she wasn’t his real sister. He never tried to call his mom again, and his mom never called the house as far as Billy knew, and he continued to lie and start fights and act out. In school, some people started to pull away from him, and his old friends never wanted to hang out anymore. He knew that it was because he was so angry all the time now, but he couldn’t stop himself.

Billy got new friends, but they were the wrong crowd, according to Neil, who told him to stop spending time with them. Billy didn’t listen. He was so alone, and he didn’t want to be alone, and some of his new friends didn’t have mothers either. Alan and Darren lived with their fathers, too, because Alan’s mom was a druggie and Darren’s mom was a cheating whore who left her husband and kid to start a new family with an accountant. Billy didn’t feel the need to lie to his new friends about his mom being dead. He told them his mom had left, and they took it at face value. They knew his dad was kind of a hardass, because their fathers were, too. Moms left and dads pushed their kids around, that was just life, and there was nothing they could do about it.

Nothing but try to escape it, for short moments at a time. Billy and his friends started stealing things from convenience stores and gas stations and even older kids; cigarettes, candy, alcohol if they could get a hold of it. They started smoking, started drinking, tried anything that anyone would let them do. A couple of times, Billy got driven home by the cops or by a concerned adult, and Neil’s punishments got harsher every time; Billy got grounded, pushed around, locked in his room. But he didn’t stop. It was the only escape he had.

Their next-door neighbor were the Millers; a mom and a dad and three kids, a cat and a dog and a white picket-fence. Their oldest son, Jerry, was only a year younger than Billy, and when Billy was younger he’d used to hang out at their place a lot, mostly so he could pet their dog but also because Mrs. Miller was a good cook and she had never seemed to mind it if Billy had a meal or two at their place. But after Billy started hanging out with his new friends, she stopped inviting him for dinner. If he approached the fence when the kids were out, Mrs. Miller called them inside. Billy once got Jerry alone, and Jerry admitted that his mom had told him that she didn’t want him to hang out with Billy anymore because she was afraid he was a bad influence.

Jason’s mom had called him bad, and now Jerry’s mom did the same. Billy had the horrible realization that maybe it was true, maybe he was bad, and maybe that’s why his mom had left and stopped calling and hadn’t come back for him like she promised. The thought hurt, so to cover it up he punched Jerry so he fell into the bushes. Jerry’s shoe fell off, and Billy took it and threw it up onto the roof before he turned and ran away. He didn’t want to hang out with Jerry anyway. Jerry was just a little kid, after all.

Jerry must have told his mom about it, and Mrs. Miller must have done what mothers are supposed to do – stand up for their children – because Neil stormed into his room before dinner and slapped him so hard that he fell to the floor, and then followed him down and hit him again, and again. In the kitchen, Susan was preparing dinner, and she had the radio on at a higher volume than usual. She probably didn’t even hear Neil yell at his son, or Billy’s sobs once Neil had stomped out of his room and slammed the door shut behind him, after telling him to go to bed without dinner. Leaving Billy alone and hurting in his room.

Billy got used to it, as he grew older. The ache for his mother became a constant which he buried under a layer of anger, and he drowned out the hurt by getting drunk and getting high and getting into trouble. When he was out and about he became larger than life, as if to counter-act how he had to walk on eggshells at home to avoid confrontation with his dad – which didn’t always work out anyway. In short, life was bad, that was just how things were, but he didn’t think it could get much worse.

He was proven wrong when Neil eventually uprooted all of them and dragged them off into the middle of nowhere, Indiana. He told the neighbors it was because he’d gotten a job offer he simply couldn’t refuse. He told Susan that it was a chance to start anew somewhere else, as a family, away from her ex-husband and Neil’s ex-wife, and that it would be the best thing for everyone involved (Max had tried to run away back to her dad twice, at this point). And he pushed Billy up against a wall and told him that if you can’t stay away from trouble, boy, I’ll drag you away from it myself. It’s for your own good, son.

Billy would later learn that Max had overheard what Neil told him that day, and blamed the move on him. Billy didn’t give a shit then, too angry to care, but he did notice that she was colder towards him after the move, and stopped trying to keep things civil between them.

In the end, Hawkins didn’t change much for Billy except that he’d been forcibly removed from his home and his friends. Despite the fact that Hawkins was a small town and that everyone seemed to know everything about everyone, nothing changed in the house. Neil never reprimanded him in public where there neighbors could see, and he never left bruises where Billy couldn’t cover them up. And Neil knew, just as Billy knew, that red skin after an open-handed slap would fade within an hour or two.

From the outside, Billy thought that they probably painted a pretty average picture of an ordinary family of four: Hard-working dad, part-time working mom. Caring parents of two kids. In reality, Billy’s dad took any chance of belittling Billy, or slapping him, or pushing him around. The man’s ire seemed to have increased in intensity since they moved, and Billy was the one paying for it because God forbid Neil lay a hand on his precious wife or perfect little step-daughter.

Susan never spoke up for him. Whenever she was in the room during an altercation, she would turn away and look in another direction. She didn’t even leave the room now, she’d just. Look away. She never spoke up for him once.

Caring parents, Billy’s ass.

It was all a façade, but then again – Hawkins seemed to be full of those. On the outside, everything seemed to be picture-perfect, but one just had to look a little bit closer to see that it was just on the surface. Billy ended up at the Wheeler house one night when Neil had sent him out to look for Max, and Mrs. Wheeler basically threw herself at him. She was probably the same age as his own mom, and he knew that she had a daughter that was in the same year as him – yet she looked at him as if he was a piece of meat. He put the moves on her, curious to see how far he could take it, and he was pretty sure that she would have jumped on his dick right there if he had offered. Things were obviously not as good as they seemed between Mrs. and Mr. Wheeler, not when she surreptitiously parted her bathrobe so that Billy would see more of her skin.

Disgusting, really. But it made it easy to get answers out of her, so he smiled and purred and complimented her, only to drop the act the second he turned to go back to his car.

The rest of that night was … confusing. When Billy woke up on the floor of the creepy Byers house hours later, sluggish and aching and with only a vague recollection of what had happened, it was to a tiny woman glaring at him and nudging his arm with her foot. Get up, she’d said. Get up, and get out of my house. He’d managed to get to his feet, dizzy and disoriented, and the woman was so small – barely reached up to his chin – but her eyes were black and he felt a tendril of something like fear run though him; something he hadn’t even felt when Max slammed that bat down between his legs earlier. There were people behind the woman now, huddling in the corner. Billy couldn’t make his eyes focus enough to see them properly, but by the way the lady kept herself between them and Billy, he surmised that they were her kids.

And he got it, then. Just like Jason’s mom, and Jerry’s mom, this lady was protecting her kids from danger, from something bad – from Billy. It hurt, a little, to see this woman go up against someone as big and bad as Billy to keep her kids safe when his own mother had left him behind without a second thought. He had to swallow around a sudden lump in his throat, but he blinked and ignored it and stumbled out on the porch, holding the railing for balance. The door slammed shut and locked behind him and he was left outside in the cold, in the dark, with his car and jacket gone and only having a vague idea of which direction to walk to get home.

Alone, again.

He didn’t remember much of the walk home, but he did remember the lady’s dark eyes boring into his. When he got home, his car was parked out front and the lights were on in the house and when Billy walked inside, the rest of the so-called family were in the kitchen, with Susan holding a protective arm around her daughter’s shoulders while Max was busy draining a cup of hot cocoa. They all looked up when Billy stumbled in. Susan looked from Billy to her husband, and then grabbed the cup out of Max’s hands and told her it was time for bed.

She ushered Max out of the room – none of them looking back – and left Billy there with Neil, who stood up from his chair and looked Billy over with narrowed eyes. Billy glanced at the doorway where Susan and Max had disappeared, and remembered how the lady in the Byers house had kept herself between Billy and the others, even though she had been small and frail and unarmed, and he felt all the fight leave him as he realized that he would never have that. No one Billy knew would willingly get between him and any kind of danger.

Neil really laid into him, that night. It was relatively bad. He spent the weekend in his room, and then three days home from school. Susan called him in sick. Billy overheard her on the phone, when she called the school administration and told them he’d caught a bug. Just like a real mother would have, if he’d been staying home because of a cold instead of aching ribs.

But she wasn’t a real mother. At least, not Billy’s.

This was made abundantly clear one day, a couple of months later, when Billy came home after basketball practice to the sight of Susan stuffing bags into her tiny car. Neil was simultaneously trying to grab at her arm and check that the neighbors weren’t watching, but Susan evaded him – pushed him away, even, snarling something that Billy couldn’t hear – and got in the driver’s seat, slamming the door. Not until then did Billy see Max in the passenger seat, face red from crying and holding a hand to her cheek.

Neil slammed his hands down on the roof of the car, making Susan – and Billy, where he was standing – jump in fright. Susan looked past Neil, locked eyes with Billy …

And Billy thought take me with you, thought don’t leave me here with him, thought please.

… but Susan turned away, like always. Just started the car and backed out of the driveway, ignoring her husband’s curses and her step-son’s wide eyes. As the car turned onto the road, Max turned her head and looked out the window. Billy could see the redness of her cheek, and things slotted into place. Neil must have slapped her – and recently, too, because the red skin after a slap fades within an hour or two – and for once, Susan didn’t look away. Didn’t leave the room, or keep silent. Not when it was her child that got hurt.

For years, she had seen how her husband treated his son – how he insulted him, threw him up against doors and walls, held him there with a hand on his throat, slapped him in the face and beat him with open hands and fists and feet – without so much as a peep. For years, the woman whom Neil had insisted was Billy’s new mother had stood by and watched this happen to Billy, without lifting a finger to help him. Billy had thought that maybe, she was just too afraid to do something. Maybe she was just too meek, too nervous. But the moment something happened that threatened her precious daughter, suddenly she wasn’t meek anymore. She packed her bags, took her daughter, and left.

She left. Was more of a real mother than Billy had given her credit for – just not for him.

Never for him.

Fighting against tears that she didn’t deserve, Billy only barely managed to get himself back under control before Neil turned around and spotted him. His eyes darkened at the sight of him, but when he stalked up to Billy it was only to clap a hand on his shoulder and say, well son, looks like it’s just you and me now.

Billy nodded, mutely, and refused to acknowledge the sting of betrayal. Because he should have learned long ago, that caring mothers were for other people, not bad seeds like Billy.

He turned and, with heavy steps, walked after Neil up to the house.

Alone, like he’d been for as long as he could remember.

(Kinda sorta written for whumptober day 1; "safety net")

#billy hargrove #stranger things #ihni writes #of mothers #whumptober 2023

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