#now. is this is a general overview of how it tastes?? i have no fucking idea

[lucyvsky]

all the memes about the grimace shake are NOT over exaggerating this is just how it felt. i can still feel the hole it left in my stomach

#genuinely sort of tasted like acid and not the drug kind . car battery type beat #now. is this is a general overview of how it tastes?? i have no fucking idea #i got the shake from the shadiest mcdonalds this side of town so for all i know they couldve put car acid in there. my fault

[mlb-a-rewrite]

Miraculous Make No Sense

so I changed how they work.

I love me a well-thought-out and deliberate magic system. I love seeing the different rules and properties of how magic works and I love seeing how the author expands and works around those rules. Limitations are placed, followed, and then explored.

Miraculous Ladybug doesn't do this.

The powers are unbalanced and unrestrained. Miraculous can do whatever the writers want them to whenever they need it to happen. There are no limitations to the powers and the powers don't balance one another out.

This was the first issue I tackled in my rewrite.

Miraculous Overview

I decided that there are two "categories" for miraculous. They are either first or second-ring miraculous. (This is taking inspiration from the miracle box featured in the show and how the miraculous are organized into different rings).

What ring a miraculous belongs to determines how "powerful" it is. All miraculous, regardless of what ring or miracle box they belong to, have the following features:

It is a piece of jewelry

It is connected to and contain imagery of an animal

When a miraculous is worn by a person, the person will be granted, regardless of what ring or miracle box the miraculous belongs to, the following items:

They will now be able to see all Kwamis (regardless of miracle box or ring affiliation)

A unique phrase that will allow them to transform between civilian attire and hero attire

If a person is transformed, they will:

Get a magic girl costume and a magical girl transformation! The costume combines elements of the wearer's personal tastes and the animal associated with the miraculous

Have general enhancements (i.e. they are faster, stronger, have quicker reflexes, etc. but mental capabilities remain unchanged; if they’re dumb as fuck they stay dumb as fuck)

Have a magic weapon/object unique to the miraculous that serves at the housing unit of their special ability

One power unique to their miraculous

All miraculous have the attributes featured above, however, a first-ring miraculous grants the wearer 2 additional special abilities that a second-ring miraculous doesn't.

Special Abilities

In the rewrite, the special ability unique to the miraculous is how I am classifying the powers of each character. Cataclysm, Lucky Charm, Mirage, Venom, etc. are all the special abilities of each miraculous.

Second-ring miraculous have temporary special abilities. If the fox miraculous wearer casts Mirage and then detransforms, Mirage deactivates the illusion dissipates. However, first-ring special abilities are permanent (with one exception, more on that later). So when a ladybug wearer uses Restoration ("Restoration" being the new name for the "Miraculous Ladybug" power seen in the show) and then detransforms, all the damage they just repaired stays repaired.

Powers are also draining to the wearer. The bigger or more precise the use of the power is, the more physically draining it is. It takes a lot of strength, both physically and mentally, as well as a deep connection with the miraculous/kwami to use it for a wider range of uses. It is pretty easy for a black cat wearer to activate cataclysm and let it do whatever it wants, but it is more difficult to control that damage to a certain area or to destroy tougher materials. This adds more restrictions to the powers and gives the characters something to work on.

First-Ring vs. Second-Ring

For second-ring miraculous, there is only one special ability, hence why the fox miraculous only has mirage, but first-ring miraculous have multiple (why the ladybug miraculous has lucky charm and miraculous ladybug and de-evilize/deakumatization and-). This is because first-ring miraculous are more powerful.

I think of each miraculous wearer as having spell slots. For second-ring wearers, they only have 1 spell slot and 1 spell in that slot they can use. For first-ring wearers, they have 3 spell slots with 2 spells that are permanently stuck there.

To use an example from the show:

Any wearer of the ladybug miraculous, regardless of any differentiating factors, will always be able to use "Lucky Charm" and "Restoration". However, that third spell slot can be switched out to fit the situation. This third slot is there to be able to counteract and balance out other miraculous. So if a wearer of the ladybug miraculous thinks the wearer of the butterfly miraculous is using akumatization for nefarious reasons, that third "slot" would acquire a "spell" that directly combats akumatization, which is where the de-evilize ability in the show comes in.

This third ability only exists to combat other miraculous. If, for instance, a ladybug wearer is fighting in a war, the third ability won't make them bullet proof or something because guns are not a product or feature of a miraculous. The third ability only develops to counteract other miraculous.

In addition to that, this third ability only develops as a result of intense emotion. If a ladybug wearer just dislikes another wearer, the third ability isn't going to manifest, but if the ladybug wearer truly believes with every fiber of their being that another miraculous is being used for evil, then the ability will form.

So in the show, Marinette doesn't gain the ability to de-evilize right away. Only when she gets deeply and emotionally invested in the battle does that third ability form.

The final bit about the third power is that you can only use one third power at at a time. Going back to the spell slot analogy, you can have multiple spells you know how to use, but because there is only one slot available, you can only "equip" one spell at a time. When a spell is replaced with another, its effects disappear. Since two of the spell slots are permanently taken up, there is only one "customizable" spell slot.

Final Notes

Miraculous are all about balance. All miracle boxes have 2 rings, and the first ring only ever have 2 miraculous. These miraculous are always opposites and balance each other.

Which is why it makes no sense that Ladybug has so many fancy ass powers and Chat Noir only has cataclysm. Like what??????? So I ended up severely limiting Ladybug's powers and adding more restrictions and clarification. I also wrote in a new power for Chat Noir but this is already long enough so I'll save those details for a different post. :)

#reblog if you like it boosts my serotonin levels #i am so mentally ill #im rewriting a childrens tv show ofc im mentally ill #im an adult oh god #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug AU #Miraculous Ladybug Rewrite #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #ML #ML Fanfiction #ML Rewrite #ML AU #Writing #Fanfiction #MLB #MLB Fanfiction #MLB Rewrite #MLB AU #MLB:AR WorldBuilding #Miraculous #miraculous lb #part 1 #magic system #world building #im going crazy i've barely scratched the surface #MLB:AR

[spooniechef]

Emergency Calories - Potato Salad (0-1 spoon)

I've been largely out of spoons lately, with weather changes, unexpected absences at work and resulting overtime, and all associated pain flares making most things difficult to impossible. I'm feeling better at the moment, so the next few posts are going to involve how I've survived the last few weeks. Because aches or no aches, we still need to eat, and UberEats is too damn expensive for all the time (especially with gluten intolerances).

Now, I've spent a good portion of my adult life fucking up potato salad. Somehow, I thought it was just ... potatoes, mayonnaise, done. Except ... not quite, apparently, because the mayonnaise would always seem to separate and it was never quite right. So I eventually started looking up recipes to find the common thread that makes other people's potato salad work when mine didn't. Took a good bit of searching, but I finally found it: vinegar. Or lemon juice - something acidic, anyway. As well as adding a certain amount of tart zinginess to the potato salad, it also seems to keep the mayonnaise creamy and smooth even when refrigeraged a few days. So while I got recipes from a lot of sources, I've never strictly used any of them, preferring to figure out the best way to do it by guess and by gosh so I can just thow everything together without thinking about it too much. So I'll give a basic overview and some notes for potential additions to jazz it up a bit. The great thing about potato salad is its versatility. Plus, potatoes are relatively cheap.

Here's what you'll need:

~2lbs (or 1kg-ish) potatoes

~1 cup mayonnaise

~1-2 tablespoons vinegar

Additions to taste (see notes)

The easiest way to do this in terms of potatoes is use baby new potatoes, cut into quarters. If you're doing anything larger, you probably want cubes about an inch square. Making sure the pieces are of uniform size is helpful. And I don't know how it is in other countries, but if you're in the UK, get more potatoes than you think you'll need. Our produce has been shit lately, and it's pretty standard to have to cut away bits of yick or just throw whole potatoes away.

Here's what you do:

Chop your potatoes and put them in to boil. Once boiled to reasonable softness (not mashable-soft, but not too firm either), drain and leave to cool and dry.

In a separate bowl, add the mayonnaise, vinegar, and whatever else you're putting into the dressing.

Add potatoes and fold until everything is fully covered.

Serve immediately and/or put in the fridge for later.

As I say, these are largely approximates because I measure it all by eye at the moment. It's pretty easy to get the hang of. Basically you want just enough vinegar to not have the mayonnaise swimming but enough to suit your tastes. And obviously you can jazz it up to suit you - here's some things that have been suggested in various recipes or just sound nice:

Hard-boiled egg

Crispy bacon bits

Dijon mustard

Chunks of dill pickle

Herbs and spices in general (paprika is usually suggested, as are chives, and obviously salt and pepper to taste, but I like adding onion salt, garlic pepper, and a little bit of celery salt)

Onions (I prefer green onions/scallions, but thin-sliced red onion can add some nice colour)

Honestly, play around with it, because potato salad is wonderfully versatile. Googling for recipes showed me that there are as many potato salad recipes as there are people, so I just left it at the absolute basics as a sort of a blank canvas to experiment on.

Potato salad lasts about five days in the fridge, and can be a meal in itself if done right, so it's great for a source of emergency calories. Enjoy!

(Oh, and side note: if you are gluten intolerant, do not try this as pasta salad. I tried to make pasta salad by the same principles and the dressing was fine but gluten-free pasta is disgusting cold. Even the good kind of gluten-free pasta. Sorry, fellow gluten-intolerants; we're going to have to stick with potatoes.)

#the spoonie chef #recipes #spoonie essentials #emergency calories

[hopeymchope]

The riveting, disturbing world of 'Babylon'

I just finished the anime 'Babylon' from 2019, and my mind was all kinds of messed up by it. Honestly, after all the horrific and edgelord-y crap I've seen in anime/manga, it's sort of comforting to know that I'm still capable of being shaken and unnerved by some of this shit.

The title is generic AF, so let me give you a brief overview: Babylon is 12-episode anime series adapting a trilogy of novels by Mado Nozaki. Note that these are full-on novels, not light novels — but they aren't available in English as of me writing this. So for that reason, I can't speak to how adapting each novel into four half-hour episodes was handled. I'm sure that numerous cuts had to be made. I can only speak to what I know of the novels from other people who've read them. I'll get into some of that a lot later on.

The story focuses on Japanese public prosecutor Zen Seizaki, who starts out the series investigating false advertising at a pharmaceutical company before stumbling into a conspiracy that initially seems to be manipulating his city's politics. But Zen digs deeper still, and he finds it's far worse than just that. Countless lives are on the line, and humanity's shared moral compass faces a huge possible shift that appears to be occurring naturally... but the spread of this new perspective is, in actuality, FAR from natural. One character likens the events to "ideological terrorism," and that strikes me as a pretty good summary. Ultimately, the antagonists are technically — at least in all visible senses — moving within the confines of the law to enact their intentions. In that case, what can government authorities, lawyers, and police do to stem the tide?

The series doesn't try to argue that government authority is 'innocent' or 'incorruptible' in ANY way... but it does seem to believe that figures of authority USUALLY play by the established rules of legality. .... At least in Japan.

So hey, let's start up front with some exciting news: It's an anime about adult characters living adult lives and doing adult jobs! And despite that, it's not an office romance, NOR is it a romance between an adult and a teenager or ANY of that stuff! Shit — this isn't even a comedy! That puts 'Babylon' somewhere around "EPIC" in terms of anime rarity. Every episode begins with a content warning and a suicide prevention hotline number. That should give you some fucking idea of how dark we're going here. But the primary focus of 'Babylon' isn't revealed until the very end of episode 3. So... I'll give you the chance to bow out right now if you don't want to know the exact nature of the threat. It's hard for me to discuss it in too much depth without spoiling it. I won't spoil anything OTHER than the major subject matter revealed at the end of episode 3, though!

You still here? The content warning hints at the most important component of the story: The central focus is on suicide. Specifically, is suicide inherently immoral? Or should people have the right to decide when their lives end? Is there any gray in the middle of that? Etc. Suffice it to say that there's a major trigger warning for suicide in this series. Not only because characters kill themselves with disturbing regularity, but because there are also multiple scenes that are just long philosophical debates about when suicide is or isn't moral... as well as who or what defines the guidelines of our personal and societal morality, is there any such thing as pure good or pure evil, etc.

And I'm not complaining — these scenes are really interesting! Although characters do tend to take WAY too long to bring up really obvious aspects of these debates for my taste. Like, when someone raises the question of why suicide is illegal, it takes multiple episodes of off-and-on chit-chat before someone cracks wise about how you can't exactly prosecute or arrest someone who commits suicide FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. I'm not sure why that wasn't the FIRST thing to come up, but I guess I just think differently than this author. (FYI: Another character points out that the matter of 'legality' extends to whether police and emergency services are compelled to stop/respond to possible suicide threats, if you're curious how the ongoing debate is justified.)

Some of the heady debates are portrayed via trippy-ass visuals that only we, the viewers at home, can see. Which is kind of goofy, but it's an interesting way to keep things from becoming too static during the philosophical discussions.

Clearly, they're not shying away from tough topics. But the side in favor of allowing people to commit suicide is hardly playing fair, either. They're forcing the issue in the worst possible way: Controlling people to kill themselves, convincing fucking CHILDREN to kill themselves, and more. So as a viewer, you obviously WANT them to lose the debate. But they aren't entirely arguing without merit, either. That's part of what makes it so disturbing: Sometimes they make some horrible kind of sense.

The elements that make the series discomforting aren't just in the subject matter discussed or in the touchy debates. The primary antagonist (or... are they?) is... oof. How can I describe them without spoiling anything about their identity and what they do? Suffice to say that their abilities border on supernatural, and as the series progresses, those abilities become increasingly impossible to counter. Apparently they are framed as being explicitly NOT supernatural in the novels, but in this anime, they appear to lean closer to being some kind of superpower — a really gross and upsetting one.

To make matters worse, before we see this antagonist fully utilize their abilities, the experience of being on the receiving end of their powers is compared to fucking rape in a way that... really made me feel like it was justifying objectification of human beings - even underage ones!!!! - as nothing more than sex objects. Like, it actually PISSED ME OFF. But... look, I gave the show some time to justify its bullshit, and I'm glad I did — that conversation became much less offensive in retrospect, after we learn/see a lot of said antagonist's true nature. (Note that I said it became less offensive. It is still disturbing as all hell, which is the intended response.)

You can tell that I'm STILL trying to avoid a lot of spoilers in this thing. There's just so many twists and turns, and it's consistently extremely compelling stuff. I don't know that they entirely stick the landing on this bird, though...

There's just too many questions left open at the end for my taste. Too many hanging chads. What are the motivations of our antagonists? One of them — the one who appears on-screen the most — at least appears to be the "just want to watch the world burn" type, though even THAT is pretty unclear. And the other major antagonist is kept mysterious for the entire run! They serve as a major figurehead for a pro-suicide movement, and we have no flippin' idea what their motives are! Furthermore, the series ends on what could be called "ambiguous" at best or "a goddamned cliffhanger" at worst.

And there are no more books! The author has written other books since completing this trilogy and has given no indication of ever intending to go back! It just... leaves us there, twisting in the wind!

KNOW THIS: The post-credits scene in the last episode was made up for the anime by the anime production team. Nothing like exists in the original novels or the manga or anywhere else. You might as well consider it non-canon. Which is great news, because it sucks all the life out of the preceding confrontation.

But even with all that baggage, I can't say I wasn't riveted. I can't stay I don't recommend it, honestly. It's very well done up until that point. And I don't even completely hate the ending! ... Maybe I just hate the post-credits scene, I guess. ..... No, WAIT, we sit through multiple episodes of a character pondering their position on the suicide issue, only for their big moment of revelation to be... LITERALLY THE FIRST THING I THOUGHT OF AS A COUNTER-ARGUMENT TO THE VILLAINS. So that. Yeah. That kinda sucked.

But the actual climactic scene? The final moments? They're engrossing... and open to interpterion in a way that isn't without merit!

Oh, and consider this: The manga version of the story? It ends on the second novel, concluding with a much happier version of the events that wrap up that part of the story here. There is no third novel — that final part where the stakes become global never arises. Sadly, I don't think the manga adaption has ever been translated into English. But if you find a scanlation or something, let me know! I'd like to see the happier ending. At least I'd feel more closure than I got here.

#babylon #babylon anime #anime reviews #ai magase #Zen Seizaki

[mazojo]

Fall 2021 Anime Opinions

As I always do, ranking the anime I watched this season, I’ll do it a bit different this time leaving my overview at the top and more thoughts under the cut ^^ if you are offended easily I recommend you maybe skip this one I understand my takes are not everyone’s taste xdd

Deep Insanity: The Lost Child

I dont know if this is fair because I only watched one and a half episodes of this but it was very bad. The premise sounds amazing and then the final product just,,,,,, very disappointing rip.

Komi-san wa, Comyushou desu.

I dont think i've felt this infuriated about an anime since Yesterday wo Utatte. I really want to like Komi Cant Communicate, hell if I were to rank it based on the first ep it would easily go in the first tiers. But my problem with this anime comes from a more rutted dislike of the portrayal of the characters more than anything in the following episodes. Specifically episode 4 with the whole kidnapping Tadano plot line where the queer coded character was psychotic and obsessive to a very yikers point,,,,, idk man kinda left me with a sour taste. Not to say the anime itself is bad, it has cute moments and characters here and there (shoutout to Tadano and Najimi being the best things of this anime) but my anger towards the portrayal of something I feel very connected towards like social anxiety and other thematics just left me ://

Takt Op. Destiny

I think Takt Op is an example of how we can confuse something stunning and artistically beautiful for a good anime. Imo from what i've watched (because I am not caught up) its painfully generic and although it has some cool scenes and stuff no character stands out and being categorized into the music genre seems like a big stretch but alas, if you enjoy it thats fine, the visuals are beautiful.

Platinum End

I don't know If this should above or below Takt Op but ive watched more episodes of this so hey maybe thats an indicator of hooking. I really don't have much to say about platinum end, I don't think its trash, I dont think its good either,,,, I feel like the concept is kinda neat although a bit overdone but yeah its fine. I liked this moment I put on the gif tho, that was very cool animated.

Sankaku Mado no Sotogawa wa Yoru

Objectively this should be lower but I liked the blonde with the piercing so it goes higher lmaoo. This is..... This.... I dont know? ASDFGHJK Its about..... exorcism? They..... Fuck each others souls or something? I have no idea what is going on half of the time in this but I feel like the source material had potential because some story plots are actually very interesting (like main blonde guy's backstory) but idk, I haven't read the manga so I wouldn't know.

Tsuki to Laika to Nosferatu

How can something with such an interesting premise be so painfully.... bland. Theres not much to say about this one, the pacing is very bad imo and the characters aren't substantial enough to hold interest. I watch this at x2 speed and idk.... The visuals are pretty and I do think eventually it will arrive to a cool arc and conclusion but for what ive seen its just very average. (also like this was the only gif I could find?? like?? asdfghj)

Visual Prison

Visual prison is definetely not for everyone sdfghjk I enjoy it for its premise and what not but I dont think the plot to anything about it is 100% the most original or intricate storytelling, its cute, its easy, nice visuals and boys, I take it Lmaooo. Tbh I am not the biggest fan of vampire themed shows, this is like I-Chu with Vampires and I dont really like vampires but I really like I-Chu so thats where we stand at.

Kyuuketsuki Sugu Shinu

Okay now onto the things I actually enjoyed asdfghj. I will start of saying this is not a show for everyone to enjoy tbh, its a comedy and its very raw and raunchy. John and Draluc are the best part of this and they are pretty faithful to the manga too. I think the gif is pretty self explanatory LMAOO.

Blue Period

I think most of what I would like to say about blue period has already been commented upon but wellp, I do agree the manga is better but the anime isnt the biggest piece of trash media to exist either. I think the animation lacks and the story got cut off at some points for the sake of rushing through the arc but the characters are there being cute and yatoyota my beloved so I enjoy it a lot ^^ Take this as an invitation to go read the manga ayeEEEe

Deji Meets Girl

You may find it unfair I rank a 2 minute episodic small animation but alas, I rank things based on what they offer and what they are and for what it is, Deji Meets Girl is absolutely beautiful and cute! Its an easy premise that I enjoy catching up to each week and the art is super cute, not much more to say on it. Rip Tumblr that has no gifs for them.

Mieruko-chan

Mieruko Chan was a show I wasnt even going to originally watch, I thought it would be fan service bait and I am not a big fan of that and although at some points it kinda is fan service bait, for what it is Mieruko Chan is one of the animes with better pacing I have ever watched. I dont know how to describe it but each episode hooks you even more and you cant look away and when I least expect it the ep is over and I am waiting to see what happens to poor Miko next week asdfghj I am defo picking up the manga.

Ousama Ranking

This is honestly tied with number one spot, Ousama Ranking absolutely destroyed my expectations for it and its a gem imo. This made me cried like a bitch and I think the simple animation adds way more than taking away and I just,,,,, I really dont wanna spoil it but if you like emotional symbolic stories defo watch this!!

Senpai ga Uzai Kouhai no Hanashi

Y'all dont know how much happiness watching this anime brings me asdfghj. Its adorable, the relationships are cute, the moments are wholesome,,,,, Its a very cute easy watch for those who enjoy romance anime and slice of life and I am definetely taking up the web manga afterwards ^^ Not much more on it other than I love it asdfgh

#I title this one 'waifu bait the season' #asdfghj jk but like am I? #I feel like ill get attacked for hating on Komi I am sorry I cant stand what they did with some of the stereotyped characters #i am not tagging all that so ill just tag the top ones lolll #my senpai is annoying #ousama ranking #mieruko chan #deji meets girl #blue period #anime #bruh I had to edit this because Tumblr messed up my entire post and placed things in disorder :))) anywayS

[straighttohellbuddy]

World building is the best tbh. I’m forever world building and now I have several worlds to play in and my neurodivergent brain cannot stay still enough to focus on one lmao. SLOWBURN ROMANCES ARE MY LITERAL JAM LIKE PLS!!! I LOVE THEM!! Also!!!! Concepts!!!! Pls share!!!! I love learning about the worlds of my fave fics and I can hands down say right now that this fic will literally shoot to the top of my list of favourites which means you’ll occupy the top three spots. Sorry to hear that ur feeling rough, so am sending u the biggest hug. I’m not okay but I’m taking care of myself today so that I will be 🧡-🐈‍⬛

alsjfsldkjf i have too many worlds TBH, literally one of the best parts of my 2020 was writing for the classic rock fandom and writing one of my good friend’s ocs alongside mine, like there’s so many different worlds that our two characters have now, i’m like 26k deep into a high school au that i need to get back to at some point, and then i wrote a oneshot abt the high school au but they’re adults, and then there’s also the original timeline, and then there’s the present day in the original timeline where they have kids and i probably care too much about people who aren’t real...... hahaha

OKAY OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO I’LL GIVE KIND OF AN OVERVIEW OF THE ALBUMS AND A FEW SONGS BUT IF U WANT ME TO GO IN DEPTH ON ANY OTHER SONG JUST ASK!!!

yes i have a playlist for each, if you wanna hear how i interpret the vibes of the songs. if you interpret them differently, thats awesome!! i’d love to hear y’all’s opinions on them!!

testing one two - the first ep they release, the song titles are mostly themed (fast forward, press play, pause, rewind), but are mostly things y/n has been working on for a while but never got around to finishing, things they are rather proud of. i see you shiver with... is the first song they wrote specifically for the album, and it’s the last song on the EP because it’s a Rocky Horror reference; i see you shiver with...

a n t i c i p a t i o n - first full album!! the vibe is Hopeful But Hesitant it has all the songs from the ep, plus some new ones!! collabs with youtube musicians troye and dodie, and y/n’s label sets up a collab that turns into a genuine friendship. the breakout dance hit is what else is there to say ft. Troye Sivan, which is about not knowing what to make content about when it feels like you’ve already told the world everything. it featured the prechorus and hook

You, know, ev-ery-thing about me / gave it all for free / my life in HD / So, let’s dance, let me see your hips sway / we’re gonna be okay / what else is there to say?

So say that you love me, say that you love me, say that you love me / let’s die hand in hand. / I’ll tell you I love you, tell you I love you, tell you I love you / supply and demand. 

personally, i also conceptually enjoy srs bsns which is a really upbeat song about how they don’t care if people don’t take them seriously because they know in their heart that what they’re doing is good

hyperfocus - 2nd EP, a pretty substantial departure from their usual style, but also happens to quietly be Corpse’s favourite, and is actually y/n’s most polarising, because it has both the Grammy award winning HEARTBURN and the o brother where art thou which was written partially as a joke to capture a fond moment of them and 5SOS dicking around together in a hotel. written while on tour wit 5SOS, im writing the reader as having ADHD (because I have ADHD and i can do what i want), and the backstory is that they’d changed the medication/dosage they were taking, and as it’s their first full tour, they were under a lot of stress and were in a weird place mentally and emotionally, and hyperfocus is the result of that. i’m going through some stuff has HUGE agoraphobic vibes. 

HEARTBURN has the same vibes as Florence + The Machines’ Howl. It’s about being a demon without saying that or directly implying that unless you know demons real well. This is when the pressure for them to confirm their identity got real bad, and it was their way of working through those emotions.

tear in existence in the shape of a person / when i’m seeing clearly i can’t see myself / world can’t swallow what it can’t get it’s teeth into / got everything i wanted but i ain’t got my health

Got heart-burn--- / I’ll tear me apart / I’ll tear you apart / I’ll tear me apart. 

SCREAM gets rereleased as a remixed single featuring Fall Out Boy the following year. It won the MTV music award for best collaboration in 2018. 

In the time between hyperfocus and working on it, Y/N releases several singles, including a cover of Tell Him by The Exciters to be featured in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. They also take time to sort out their health, do a little bit more YT stuff, and travel internationally to do festivals. 

working on it - is kind of a middle ground between their original stuff, and hyperfocus, like pop-punk meets horror-pop meets whatever you’d classify halsey as. the first three songs were mostly written before the fic starts, so before they’re getting back to YT, but the last three, nightmare scenario, designed to hurt (touch me), and not scared were all written after they’d started hanging out with sykkuno and corpse. 

in-universe, imposter syndrome was originally something else, along the same lines of tired that they’re hiding that they’re a demon, but after meeting corpse nd sykkuno and having people who know, and lowkey being influenced by corpse’s music, the song changes directions, and YO OKAY YO::

I literally am so fucking flattered, my darling friend @bingusmode​ wrote lyrics for imposter syndrome and I’ve been yELLING about them ever since i’ve read them!! (also bunnie is fantastic and lovely in general 10/10)

if you thought you saw me 

i’d think about it twice

cuz while i know i’m naughty

everybody thinks i’m nice

cutest giggles get me

places that i long to be

but it’s not long before

everybody hates me

when you figure out i’m fucked up

you’ll probably think that can’t be right

but babe my image runs to save me

cuz i’m ugly day and night

nothing good about me

not the angel that i seem

cuz i’m a piece of shit

and i’ll ruin your fuckin dreams

i’m an impostor babe

you better run for your life

cuz there’s a bloodlust runnin through me

and you’re dripping off my knife

there’s no one here to save you

cuz you ate up all my lies

so beg me while you can

and draft up all your goodbyes 

if any of y’all are inspired by anything i put out, feel free to take it and run!! you have my blessing!! i am so overwhelmingly flattered by people who like my stuff enough to create because of it, directly or indirectly! lyrics, art, songs, anything!! legit! I love you!!

okay so designed to hurt (touch me) has big House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco vibes, and YES it’s about Corpse. YES it sends mixed messages. YES it has greek myth imagery and YES that imagery is confusing. not sure if any of these sets of lyrics actually go after each other but also idk??

will my fall from grace be graceful / as each move i see you make? / propped up on pedestals side by side / beneath our feet they shake / i’m the only one to hear you ask  / “What have they done to me?” / My boy, your wax throne is sun-drenched / you’ll fall in the name of your legacy.

eyes like yours watched rome burn / while hands like mine lit the pyre / we both heard me say we’d go down in flames / now you’re turning me into a liar / since you smile like that, like you can’t feel the sting / and we both know i can’t feel the fire

been telling myself i’m designed to hurt / but, baby, aren’t we a sight? /

check your reflection, your angles, apollo / you’re icarus in the right light /

we’re on the edge, i’m not scared to fall / we’ll take refuge in the night /

been telling yourself you’re designed to hurt / but, baby, doesn’t this feel right?

also, albumtouralbumtour is a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody.

OKAY AND FINALLY

n o s t a l g i a - the album the reader’s working on during the fic.

literally as i was writing this, bunnie sent through some FIRE lyrics for how the light gets in, (@bingusmode) i am going to be thinking about these on REPEAT for the next MONTH BRUV

little bit of darkness, treat me like a toy 

i got my hopes up and got them destroyed

bitter taste of regret sitting heavy on my tongue

can’t believe i let you convince me that you were the one

sitting here in silence, fabric running thin

petals burning in my lungs and stealing oxygen

embers from a cigarette falling to the floor

god i can’t take anymore

so i stumble to the window and pull the shades

and the moon pours in like you threw a grenade

i can’t understand why

i keep trying

cuz i never seem to win

but having any hope is how the light gets in 

from there, moment before impact ft. Billie Eilish is a club anthem along the lines of bad guy or COPYCAT, bass heavy with a drop that’s out of this world.

powdered pain, i’m in your veins / i’m the sting, the drip, the thing / you’re craving, but you hate to see me misbehaving / i heard my breakdown got you high / it’s true, but baby i can’t lie / i never got that rush, that burn / that makes you feel alive, i had to learn / to pick the slippery slope down which i fell / plan my pitstops on the way to hell / to pick my padding before i spiral / so if i break it’ll be in style

watch my misdirect, now freeze, / notice you can’t see the forest for the trees / you’re so desperate for my demise / but baby, i’ll make you watch me rise.

this is the moment before impact

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i know you hope i’m not okay / you get off on my audio misery

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i need you to know i want it this way / my breakdown won me a grammy

and this is the moment before impact

ur my favourite - interlude ft. sykkuno is probably one of my favourites, it’s just really soft, just a snippet of a conversation between the reader and sykkuno, maybe one of them told a joke and they both just sound real happy and sweet. its nice. it’s a nice moment.

means something is also for sykkuno!! it’s about how good-strange it is to be open and honest with friends, and how they usually aren’t but they’re glad they can be open and honest with him!!

meanwhile, i don’t think about u - interlude ft. CORPSE is a phonecall between corpse & the reader right after they announce they’re going to feature on acting like that, where corpse asks if they do this sort of thing to spite him, to which the reader responds ‘do i consider you when i’m making decisions about my career? no, corpse, actually i don’t think about you at all’ which then directly contrasts the song that ends the album, which is (how it feels to be) beautiful fireworks, which is essentially ‘i know how hard it is to exist like this, to be the centre of attention, to give off light and bring people joy, even when you’re in pain. i’m here for you. i love you.’

okay, i swear im done now, i’ll get back to writing the fic! (also i cannot BELIVE i managed to figure out how to embed those playlists but im so happy) edit: it didn’t actually work when i posted the ask, so anyways im sorry but y’all are abt to be spammed with playlists because i care too much abt this fic

#Anonymous #how the light gets in #corpse husband x reader #black cat anon

[thekidsarentalright]

i think it would be rlly cool to see you analyze a song from greatest hits. maybe violet just bc of how fucked the lyrics are? or snow globe bc its so sexy! whichever one you wanna analyze man i am all ears

ooo okay because its a harder song to analyze (to me) i'm gonna do snow globe!! (and my typical disclaimer is like i don't like looking at songs from the perspective of the artist and more like its a fictional story... but for this one im breaking that rule bc awsten writes like SO insanely personally, also its under the read more so i dont clog y'alls dashes <3)

So... this snow was a little difficult to analyze! But, I think as a general overview it is safe to say this song is absolutely about fame for awsten, and how its affected him directly in recent years (which is why i can't look at this like its a story). I feel the first verse is, broadly, speaking about: ‘fans’ animosity towards him (”I was having that same old dream again / The one they finally took my head and win”), how hearing endless praise from strangers can become meaningless after a while (” ’Cause all I hear is “I love you so much” / But it starts to mean nothing...”), and simultaneously, the (seeming) self-deprecation towards the music he makes/writes (especially in the context for the hate he gets for it) with the lyrics “ I wrote down the soundtrack of giving up / And the songs go like this / On my Greatest Hits”. So, automatically, the first verse is a grab-bag of issues awsten has relating to his fame and the relationship he has with fans- you have the people who hate on everything he/parx does, the people who shower with endless, meaningless praise, and then the self-doubts that can come with having a career in music when you get critiqued and praised so endlessly no matter what you do. The pre-chorus (staring with ‘7pm, let it sink in’) is the part i was struggling with the most, but after reading genius annotations it Seems that, basically, the reference to 7pm is an allusion to ‘Saturday at 7pm’ being mentioned a lot in Fandom, and awsten basically saying in an interview that that time/day is the representation of this endless hype from fans for More, for Better from him/the band every time they move. So, this pre-chorus is essentially saying: there's that endless hype that I (awsten) can’t live up to like people want, i’m in the dark/off the deep end, I can’t live up to those expectations... and now everybody is disappointed. “Shake me up and watch me in my-” is the first reference to a snow globe, which encapsulates the overarching theme of this song: awsten feels trapped by his fame and expectations, like hes in a snow globe, being watched and shaken up forever. The chorus repeats the same themes, really, with him accounting different phrases people have likely said about him because of ‘evil things he says’. Verse 2 refers to how he’s been dead since 2016, since Double Dare came out and they got wayyyy more popular than they had ever been before- likely when that endless stream of criticism and praise and unmeetable expectations really started to kick up. Once again, the snow globe motif comes in to show that awsten feels trapped by all of this, he’s at the mercy of ‘fans’ watching his every move, at the mercy of them possibly losing interest in him (in his snow globe) and leaving him and the music he makes. And the rest of the song is more of the same, recounting the cyclical nature of being a musician in todays industry- fans having so much to say, constantly changing tastes and expectations, constantly having to top yourself as an artist and disappointing people no matter what you do, and still being dependent on those disappointed people, as your world is in their hands. It’s a damn interesting look into his psyche, honestly, and how weirdly/terribly people treat artists. 

#this one was SO fun to do thank u kel #i hope its good!!! i hope u like it <3 #bc again i had a lot of fun with it i think its very sad and interesting and like #freaks rly need to shut up and leave awsten alone huh 😳 #asks #doubledared #kel #analysis.txt

[go--ask--alice]

Exordium

The Librarian

One morning, trying to be cheeky, Alice sent J a series of selfies in various states of undress and told him to come find her. Like a trail of bread crumbs it led him to a small tucked away staircase leading to the third floor of his expansive home. The Joker’s personal library is housed up there. And like Beast with his Belle, J allowed Alice free reign over the stacks of books. It’s one of her favorite places on the entire property.

Alice also has recently gotten a [tattoo] on her wrist in honor of J. Something that let’s the whole world know who she belongs to.

🃏: Joker

👑: Alice

------------

👑 *On the floor is a trail of clothes. My bra, yoga pants, and finally at the bottom of the library stairs laid out perfectly neat are my panties.*

🃏 *I pick up your panties and hold them to my nose. Your scent makes me hard. I run up the stairs and into the library.* Alice… I think you dropped a couple of things. Come out and I’ll only spank you a little.

👑 *You find me, buried in a book, glasses on the end of my nose, totally naked and lounging in one of the plush high back chairs.* Oh, hi Daddy! What took you so long?

🃏 *The sight of you leaves me panting. I drop my phone and walk towards you slowly.* You… Alice, are a delicious sight. Are you my new librarian? I can only hope so. I need help finding a few books. One about punishment and another about a princess.

👑 *I push my glasses up and sigh. Setting my book down slowly.* Well I suppose sir. Hmm punishment.. medieval? Bondage? Or more of a general overview?

🃏 *You in glasses and nothing else makes my cock swell.*

👑 I think we have a great volume on knot tying somewhere?

🃏 *I involuntarily pound my fist when you say knot tying.* Th…that one.

👑 Excuse me sir.. please keep it down.

🃏 *My heartbeat is ripping through my chest.* Sorry Miss.

👑 So.. knot tying. Anything else you may need sir? Or is this it?

🃏 I’m so excited. It’s been a while since I read a nice, big, thick book. *I grab my crotch.*

👑 Oh you could just get lost in a good book..

🃏 I’d like a book about princesses please. Preferably a curious one. *I admire your body as you move about.*

👑 Hmm there are so many to choose from… would you like one from Grimm? They have quite the extensive body of work.

🃏 *You have an extensive body of work, grrrrr.* Choose one for me? I trust your judgement.

👑 *I pull an old leather bound first edition. I’m honestly shocked you own this but makes me so happy.* Lewis Carroll… 1865… not technically about a princess, but very very curious none the less.

🃏 *I give you a wide metal smile.* And this curious girl, will I enjoy reading about her escapades?

👑 Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland… Oh most definitely! She falls into a mad upside down world where nothing makes sense yet everything is just right. There’s a crazy man that she meets, he’s my favorite. You’ll probably like him too.

🃏 *I draw closer to you, trapping you against a wall of books.* Really? Your favorite you say? And why would I like this crazy man?

👑 Can I tell you a secret?

🃏 *Leans in close.* My lips are sealed. Tell me.

👑 *I lean in right to your ear.* I think your curious girl? She falls completely in love with that mad man.

🃏 *Throws my head back and moans.* She must be mad herself.

👑 She is.. a bit. But their particular brand a crazy, seems to be a perfect fit. She’s his missing chess piece. He’s her perfect puzzle piece.

🃏 *I reach forward and cup you between the legs.* Perfect fit…. hmmmm…. I think I like that. Yes, I’d like to check that one out.

👑 I think you’ll love it sir. *I’m struggling to keep my composer.*

🃏 *I pull a Joker card out of my pocket.* I brought my library card.

👑 Excellent. *I take the card and kiss it. A dark red lip print now marks the front. I hand it back.*

🃏 *I stick it back in my pocket proudly.* And what if I don’t return this book on time? Will I have to pay a fee? *I run my finger up your slit.*

👑 Mmhmm.. I’m afraid it’s a pretty steep fine too.

🃏 I’m a very rich man, I think I can pay it. *I keep rubbing your slit and bite my bottom lip.*

👑 Why Mr. Joker, in that case you should just buy it so you can keep it forever. *I don’t know how much longer I can keep this game up before I just fall apart.*

🃏 *I start rubbing faster, emboldened by you keeping in character despite your very wet pussy.* I might have to do that. I’d like to support this library. Just think of me as a patron of the arts.

👑 W..would you like to know the price sir..?

🃏 Very much so. *Rubbing faster still, my hand slickening with your arousal.*

👑 The.. price… *Whispers* oh god.. The price is a kiss… and…

🃏 *I smile as you fumble with your words and lean in closer.* A kiss and?

👑 *I lean in til our lips are barely touching* ..and your heart. *I put my hand over your heart, which is pounding like mad, and i kiss you.*

🃏 *I insert my finger inside of you as you kiss me and invade your mouth with my tongue.*

👑 *I collapse against you.*

🃏 *I continue to kiss you and insert another finger, pushing into your hot core.*

👑 *I moan into your mouth, my hands grasping at your shoulders.* Excuse me… sir.. *Fuck it! I can’t keep this game up any longer.* Oh god… *I give you a pleading look.* Please… I need you inside me.

🃏 *I grin and laugh a little. You’re so fucking adorable. I drop down to my knees.* Oh no Miss… I think I need to make a contribution first. Consider it my pledge to always honor the arts. *I pull your legs apart and stick out my tongue.* Have a fucking seat Alice.

👑 *I stumble backwards into the chair I was waiting for you in. I pull you with me, pushing your head down between my legs.*

🃏 *I start to kiss the insides of your thighs. I keep up the game wanting to tease you with your own saucy scenario.* I love a woman who likes to read. Maybe I’ll read you a story? *Licks your clit.*

👑 Oh yeah? I’m all ears Daddy…

🃏 *I bring my fingers to my lips.* Shhhhhhhh… keep your voice down. Once there was a curious girl who couldn’t keep her clothes on. So she took them all off and left a trail like a naughty little goldilocks. Ahem… I mean like Gretle. *I laugh lightly.* Anyway… *I suck on your clit.* She could not keep those clothes on no matter how she tried! Do you know this story?

👑 *I’m barely holding on. I try concentrating on your voice to keep me grounded.* It sounds… vaguely familiar…?

🃏 Only vaguely huh? She belonged to a criminal this curious girl, even without any clothes on she bored his mark. *I tug at your pussy lips with my teeth.*

👑 *I glance down at my wrist my smile.*

🃏 Do you know what that criminals name is?

👑 *I’m panting.* ….J…Joker…

🃏 Mmmm… That’s right Miss librarian. Do me a favor, say that one more time for me.

👑 Joker… *Your name drips off my lips like honey.*

🃏 *I love how you say it. It makes my cock feel heavy.* I’ll spell it out for you so you don’t forget. *I bend down and trace a “J” onto you slowly.*

👑 Oh fuck…

🃏 *I pool saliva and your juices onto my tongue as I trace the “O” It’s my favorite letter to trace.*

👑 Dadddddy…

🃏 *I stare up at you, my eyes wild with lust under a mound of green hair. I trace the “K” taking great pleasure in the upward stroke as I form the letter. The “E” is tricky fun. The upward stroke is easy but I drip excessive amounts of saliva and your juices onto you as I trace the horizontal bars of the letter. It looks obscene as I pull back with strings of moisture connecting me to your hot core.*

👑 *I nearly cum at the sight of your lips as you pull back.*

🃏 *I take extra time on the “R”. The stroke upward takes a sharp turn to the right and a delicious loop inward before leaning out of the letter. I can feel how tense your legs are as I grip them.* Are you OK Miss? You look a little flushed. Was it something I said?

👑 Daddy please…

🃏 Tell me what you need.

👑 I need to cum.

🃏 *I lay on my back fully clothed and unzip my pants releasing my cock.* Come sit on your throne Queen.

👑 *I pitch forward and crawl up your body.* Anything for you, my King.

🃏 *The sight of you crawling to me is beautiful.*

👑 *As I crawl I push your shirt up your torso. I kiss up your body, paying extra attention to the head of your hard cock.*

🃏 *My cock twitches involuntarily when you kiss it.* Unngggg… fuck! *I caress the side of your face.*

👑 You taste so good Daddy. *I trail my lips up your torso, I lick the lips of your smile tattoo.*

🃏 Come up here, I want to see your body.

👑 *I sit up, my pussy rubbing against your cock, you’re one slight move away from being inside me.*

🃏 *I bring my pelvis up and tease my cock along your pussy.*

👑 *I grind my hips against you.*

🃏 When Daddy’s cock goes inside, I want you to show me how much you need it. I want you to put on a little show for me. That’s it rub your pussy on Daddy’s cock. How does that feel?

👑 So good! You.. you want more Daddy…?

🃏 Give me more sugar. *I have both hands clenched and I’m focused on you. I can’t see anything else. My heart is pounding again.* Oh god Alice…. *I’m almost on the verge of begging you. I don’t know how that happened.*

👑 You ready daddy? *I raise my hips and angle myself directly over you. When we lock eyes again I slam down onto your cock, impaling myself on your hard body. I take no time and begin bouncing my hips, pushing you deep with each motion.*

🃏 Ready baby. Do it. Ohhhhhhhh fuck yes bounce on my cock Alice! Goddamn fuck! *I realize how amazing your tits are everytime I see them.*

👑 God Daddy you feel so good inside me!!

🃏 Fuck me hard baby. How much do you want me?

👑 Fuck Daddy! I want you so bad! You’re the one I want! The only one… oh god…

🃏 Mmmm… You. Are. Mine.

👑 Yours. *I have a very devious desire. I’m hesitant to ask but I know you’ll get off on it.* Daddy? Please c..ch..choke me Daddy..

🃏 *My hands are around your throat in an instant.* Ohhhhhhhh fuck!! *I don’t squeeze too tight. It’s your first time. I squeeze so you know I’m there. It feels amazing. Your tender exposed neck. You gave it all to me.* You like that? *I grip your throat with one hand and smack your face with the other.*

👑 Tha…thank you… Daddy!! *Your hands feel so good around my neck. I love feeling the power you have over me. I trust you completely. *

🃏 Mmmm…. so polite…. *Thanking me for fucking her while I choke her beautiful fucking throat.* You are fucking perfect.

👑 No Daddy… you.

🃏 *I feel like cumming. I’m starting to squirm hard underneath you.* Ohhhhhhhh fuck Alice!

👑 Daddy, do I make you feel good? Are you gonna cum for me..? I wanna feel you fill me up!

🃏 Ohhhhhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna… cummmmmm.

👑 Thats it Daddy!!! Cum with me!! *Seeing you let go beneath is more than I can take.* Daddy!!! Fuck Daddy can I cum too???

🃏 Ohhhhhhhh goddamn Alice! *In one hard thrust I’m cumming hard into you with my hands around your throat. My orgasm is intense and I’m left shaking.*

👑 That’s it Daddy! Give me everything…

🃏 *I spill every drop inside of you* Alice…Thank you. *Panting* You have my soul.

👑 *I’m a quivering mess above you.* I love you J.

🃏 *I put my hands into your hair and kiss you passionately.*

👑 *I fall into your kiss. I can feel the words that you can’t say. I know the truth in your actions.*

🃏 *I sit up and continue to hold you and stay inside of you.* Alice… we have to stop meeting like this. *Smirk*

#exordium #ephemeris #joker #joker x alice #go ask alice #joker fanfiction #joker x oc #alice #j #07 #rp 2017 #tw smut #tw daddy kink #tw roleplay #tw choking

[thexam-union]

Riverside Relaxing

First fic to be put up here!! It’s the Chessy Boys up first, which surprises me just as much as it might surprise you! It’s just some soft fluff because that’s what got made :>

Length: 2031 Words

General Overview: It’s too hot outside, and the gang get together to cool off by the water in Land of the Tiger. Also ship moments between Tevel and Apollyon!! They’re grooving!

Warning(s): Mentions of heatstroke (no incidents or harm done, simply concern)

( If you need anything else tagged/forewarned about let me know!! )

The worst thing about the Digsite was the heat. The baking sun made it borderline impossible to work during the middle of the day, the sun’s glare roasting everything through to the point of burning without any hesitation. It was fine when nothing was scheduled, but when you were stuck there all day waiting for sunset? Pain. Suffering, even.

Tevel half-heartedly pushed open the door to Alcor’s office, the beige and yellows of the walls being anything but welcoming as they set themselves down in the chair after haphazardly hanging their jacket on the back of it.

“Please don’t say what I think you’re about to say, but what are you here for?” Alcor said with a short, sharp glare in their direction, before looking back at the computer screen on their desk. He seemed taken aback when they gestured towards the ceiling he got in response. Specifically, the fan. Normally when Tevel comes in all sheepish, it’s probably because something broke, so this was a surprise. “Right.”

“How mad would you be if I said I’m just hanging out here for that and that you’ll have to put up with me or let me go elsewhere.”

“Not very, but that’s just today.” Alcor simply shrugged behind his glasses, sipping at his drink before putting the fan in front of him in Tevel’s direction. “I’m glad you haven’t broken anything.”

“In this weather? No way, I wouldn’t. Thanks, by the way. But yeah, who’s in your personally-manned hell of emails today?” It was a joke, but clearly not anything rough-sounding. Surprising, given it’s Tevel of all people, but he already knew they didn’t like his email practices.

“The Marquess, and a few other people. You don’t get the emails.”

“I’ll level with you, chief, I’ve got your address marked as spam. Doesn’t work, though, you’ll be glad to know. Also, Aludra’s letting people hang out. I know you’re as antisocial as they come, and that neither of us like each other, but it’ll hurt my one entire moral,” They very dramatically put up their index finger, “If I don’t tell you and you get heatstroke.”

“Right. I’m glad you’re conscious of safety on the digsite. I’m actually surprised you didn’t just go.” Tevel shrugged. “Or did you want the go-ahead for tonight to be cancelled first? I know you used the last workplace safety book I gave you as a fuse to spite me. Impressive, but you know how I feel about that sort of thing.”

“Yeah mostly I guess. Heatstroke sucks, and I like to annoy you. Not almost kill you with negligence. Anyway, if you want to CC the information to people that don’t even go here, fine by me, I’m leaving. See you there, yeah?”

“Mhm. I’ll be right out. Thank you, Tevel. Are you sure you’re alright?” They’d just stood up and picked up their jacket, holding it over their arm as their sunhat covered their eyeline. “You’re acting a little strangely, today.”

“I’m fine. It’s too hot to blow up the place, and I can’t burn down Aludra’s place, I’ll feel so bad.”

“I thought you had one moral standard.” Wait, did Alcor just make a joke? What the fuck. What the fuck? He even laughed and everything.

“Uh-- Right, uh, stay hydrated? I’m going.” And with that, the office door was closed and they were braving the sun again. That was so weird? Alcor had never made a joke, and they’d known each other for years. It was mostly disappointed and annoyed glaring in their direction. At least he was going to cool off later? Acting weird is a heatstroke thing, even when you have the fans in the area in your office you’re not safe, they supposed. But, they did their bit, and it was time for some - as Lesath put it - “much needed splashy splashy”.

To be honest, everyone apart from the Marquess was going to be there now Alcor’d been convinced, and even then, Aludra had been trying to set up a nice canopy so the Marquess could get out more? Unsure, though, they weren’t in the building things business. More the blowing things up business. More their speed.

Walking down to Aludra’s perch took a very short amount of time, and getting under the forest cover was all they needed to get going, really! The comfort of the running water was also very nice, although they didn’t expect a short tap on the shoulder. There, but short.

“Hey, chief, what’s up?” They asked, knocking their hat brim up a little.

“I haven’t been officially invited, so I think my presence would go over better if I’m with someone who was invited, if you get what I mean.” Tevel shrugged. “That’s common practice for social engagements.”

“Yeah, but it’s also Aludra. If she can put up with your slew of emails, she can put up with you in person. Plus I don’t think she dislikes anyone. I gotta say, you’re acting off.”

“Off..? How so? I feel fine.”

“Yeah. Too... Person-y.” Tevel made a vague gesture with their hands, like someone would when describing the movement of a bug. “And that sorta thing’s a sign of heatstroke. You’re my boss who’s allergic to fun, and I heard you make a joke earlier.”

“I assure you, I’m fine. I’m not allergic to fun, I’m allergic to your idea of fun. You’re about as self-aware as a teabag at times.” He sighed, shaking his head, but Tevel seemed… happy with that response? And he was the one that was acting strangely?

“That’s the Alcor that I know.” Tevel half-cackled as they tended to, swinging their jacket so it was over their shoulder rather than over their arm. “Good to hear you’ve still got it, chief. Was actually half-worried something’d happened to ya.”

“I appreciate the concern for my safety? That’s weird coming from you, though.”

“Eh. I like things being consistent and-”

“You’re a demolitionist. What part of that is ordered?”

“Explosions happen in the same way almost every time, and it’s pretty. Consistent behaviour’s what helps me sleep at night, I’m sure you can agree on that.” Tevel laughed, nudging Alcor with their arm as they got to the clearing, and the others were starting to come into view. “Besides, I do pay attention to safety laws. I’m qualified, actually.”

Apollyon had their shirt - jacket? - open over her swimsuit, Lesath was curled up on a well-made perch, Aludra had her laptop open a bit away from the water, and even the Marquess was out here! She was sitting on a deck chair near the side of the water under a parasol, though clearly not dressed for it. Hell, even Citala’d been convinced to drop by! That was slightly less impressive than Tevel of all people dragging Alcor along, but the gap wasn’t that big!

“Yo, you brought him along? How?” Apollyon asked as the pair got up to the side of the water, Tevel sitting on the edge of the waterfront beside her and Alcor settling near Aludra, who’d put down her laptop. Probably to talk to each other rather than sending emails.

“Concern about heatstroke.” With a wink and a slight poking of the tongue, Tevel yawned and leaned back. “It’s so cool here I love it so much.”

“And he set with that? I’d thought he’ll drag you over to my place to toss you in the hoosegow instead of coming over!”

“Consider the following, Apple, it’s Aludra’s thing, right? And look at them.” Apollyon nodded a little. “No one can say no to Aludra, sure as hell not him, you know?”

“Them? Mashed? I didn’t know she had taste that bad!” They looked around everyone else, who seemed quite happy to spend a hot afternoon there. “I didn’t know she did that at all to be completely fair. Same with Alcor, he’s a barn sour and that’s it, I thought. Clawing at the gate when he has to leave it.”

“Yeah? I don’t know, I don’t talk to her much and Alcor’s harder to talk to than a brick most of the time.” Apollyon laughed a little at that. “But yeah, bad taste if true, but also the only thing I thought he loved was his email inbox, and I’m probably right on that one.”

“Yeah, he’s a bit of an odd stick, isn’t he? But enough about your work, how you doing, Tev?” Apollyon reached into a small covered hamper crate on their side of the water, and passed over a can of soft drink, cold to the touch. Perfect. “Also, love to see everyone get together like this, y’know? So glad Morava had the idea.”

“This was his idea?”

“Well yeah. Aludra can’t say no to anyone, and Morava’s all over logistics. He got all of us a half-crate of our favoureds, who else would get that done? Even Ali’s roaming around here, she’s having a great time!”

“True! I’m just glad I don't have to do work today, you know how it is.” Apollyon nudged Tevel in the side for that, setting both theirs and her own hat down on top of the drink crate in that order.

“You? Not wanting to blow things to high heaven?” She gave a slight laugh in response to her own point, before taking a sip of drink.

“More likely than you’d think, Apple! It’s dangerous in high heat. You should know that. As much as I joke about ignoring safety, I do pay attention to a little bit. Don’t tell anyone, though, I have a reputation.”

“Secret’s safe with me, Tev. Will say, very surprised the Marquess came down. Must be awkward. She’s just kind of sitting up there with Citala, y’know?”

“I mean if she’s happy to be here? I don’t know her that well. And no, not your time to go ‘I’ll check it out’ and get us both in it. I like being the spooky chaos one no one knows in any meaningful way.”

“Consider the following: Some of us want to know you. Perceive you. Behold you, even.” Apollyon said, looking directly at Tevel for a moment. “You’re knowable! Sorry Tev, I know you! I don’t know how you got here without letting me be there to see you.”

“And to that I say: I better not be! You’re different, though. You know that.”

“If I don’t get to know you I’ll actually be a little upset.” Apollyon laughed a little, yawning before stretching, although it was a quiet invitation for Tevel to lean on her. “You’re one of the funner people to be around.”

“I’m sure you would think that, Apple. You’re also very biased.” Tevel replied, pulling Apollyon’s arm over them in a way that was comfortable for both of them. “Wouldn’t have it any other way, though. You get to see me outside of work.”

“Mhm. Don’t you think your relationship with everyone else would improve if you were knowable, though? I know you want that.” Apollyon had started to gently run their hands through Tevel’s hair with a gentle smile, as they were just comfortable with their eyes closed and resting more on her lap than her shoulder at this point.

“But having to actually talk to people though. Plus, I’m not moving. You can suffer.”

“Oh, I’m suffering with my beloved lying on my lap. The struggle of being with the person I care about most. The anguish that comes with having a day off and spending it with you.” She said with a dramatic emphasis and feigned a fever for a moment. “We’ll improve your mess later.”

“I can’t believe this.” Tevel sounded offended, but didn’t really mean it. After all, how could they? They did in fact sign up for it.

“I hoodwinked you real good, darlin’. Until then, just us, okay?” A wink from Apollyon, and a laugh. This was going to be a rough few weeks, but if Apollyon really thought it was this good idea, then it probably was? Who knew. But hey, it was something for Future Tevel to think about, not the Tevel at this moment by the river. They were more than content.

#chessington ocs #fic #theme park ocs #🗺️ } The Adventurers' Realm #🖋️ } Beltrame's Writing #🎠 } Beltrame's Jesters #📜 } Forbidden Kingdom #🐯 } Land of the Tiger #🧭 } Tevel #📒 } Alcor #🦂 } Apollyon #everyone else is mentioned but anything but loadbearing #cw heatstroke mention #didn't expect this to go where it did #love it all the same though!

[rexcoatlarchive]

Timeline

This is a rough timeline of how the RexCoatl (that's the ship name now) ship progresses I'm only going by the main storyline for fgo, no events. Mainly because I'm not 100% sure when all the events take place, and even so the events sometimes confuse me as to how long the story takes place. I'm also going based on how far we are in NA and not JP.

Post Fuyuki - Rex manages to summon Quetzalcoatl thanks to a Catalyst given to him by "gramps"

Orleans to Okeanos - very good servant/master relationship. Rex ends up letting Quetz know how he feels thanks to him talking without thinking more often around her. She doesn't reject his feelings but is not sure about a relationship at the time

Post London - Rex summons and adopts Jack. Jack seeing how close Rex and Quetz are ends up calling both "mommy" thus leads to teasing from other servants.

Post E Pluribus Unum - Quetz decides to give dating Rex a chance just to see how it goes. They both seem to enjoy it.

Post Camelot - the two are essentially in a proper relationship, the two also seem generally more happy in their day to day lives thanks to it.

Babylonia - encountering the Quetzalcoatl of this singularity gives Rex somewhat conflicting feelings. He ends up saying yes to the 2nd Quetz's proposal, tho it wasn't serious. Quetz doesn't get too upset since she knows he sometimes doesn't think with his head when with her, rather with his heart. When allied with the 2nd Quetz Rex gets euphoric but also conflicting feelings when around 2 of her. He also becomes very heartbroken when he thinks the 2nd Quetz is gone after her extinction attack on Tiamat, and is relieved when he meets up again before they depart.

Post Babylon - Rex already misses the feeling of being with 2 Quetz

Solomon - meets up with the 2nd Quetz again but it doesn't last nearly as long this time around given the circumstances

Post Solomon - Rex mostly stays in his room with Quetz while dealing with the loss of Romani.

Quetz's interlude - Rex sets up 3 lucha matches with other Servants with Quetz as a gift of some kind so she has a good challenge and doesn't get too bored with not as much to do lately

Post Shinjuku - Quetz stays close to Rex to cool her nerves for a while since she was very scared for his life with the meteor and all. Refuses to separate from him for a while thanks to this.

Agartha - Rex and Quetz enjoy beating the fuck out of Columbus while in El Dorado, since these 2 are among the big causes of the horrible treatment of the native mesoamericans brought on by the conquistadors.

Post Agartha - Quetz and Rex have a Fiesta celebrating the cathartic fight in Agartha. Rex drinks alcohol for the first and last time in his life with Quetz. He doesn't enjoy the taste or the hangover.

Shimosa to Salem - they become very close and Rex even starts to think what it'd be like to spend the rest of his life with Quetz.

Post Salem - Rex summons and adopts Abigail. She, just like Jack, sees both him and Quetz as her new parents.

Prologue - Rex is forced to unsummon Quetz, but is assured by Da Vinci there's still hope for them to meet.

Anastasia - after the fight with Ivan and in preparation for the fight against Anastasia and eventually the tree, Rex decides to Summon Quetz again. At the time however he's separated from the briefcase Da Vinci made to resummon servants along with the Gudas who are in possession of it. Despite Da Vinci and the others telling him she'll likely not remember him he doesn't care and will start over the relationship if need be, and besides they NEED a powerhouse and he has a Catalyst to summon a damn good one. When Summoned again Quetz actually does remember Rex and the two have a heartfelt reunion before fighting Anastasia.

Post Anastasia - Rex decides that when they finally are back in a proper base he'll propose to Quetz.

Gotterdammerung - Quetz has another mini heart attack after Rex nearly loses his head to "Sigurd"

Pre SIN - Rex avoids eating the poisoned cake, but the Gudas and Gordy do not so he needs to postpone popping the question.

SIN - Rex suffers a severe but not fatal wound from Yu Mei Ren towards the climax leading to Quetz to go berserk and attempt to kill her. Seeing this makes Rex want to marry her even more.

Post SIN - Rex finally manages to pop the question. Quetz says yes and they start getting ready for the wedding.

Pre wedding - Quetz makes contact with her twin Xolotl, telling them about the proposal, this eventually leads to her family visiting. The other mesoamerican gods aren't summoned properly but instead choose to possess existing servants while the wedding is being planned, while also learning of what Quetz has been up to while summoned. During the wedding itself they are temporarily summoned properly for the wedding.

And that's roughly how the relationship goes up until now during the main storyline. This is just an overview it definitely gets deeper then this but still. I did say I wanted the wedding to take place pre china lostbelt but after actually looking at the events I decided to change it up a bit. I'll eventually update after a few more story updates reach NA.

Tagging @panyum again because I love the support they show to other mastersona bloggers. And it feels good when they reblog one of my posts. Hoping I don't bother them tho

#fate grand order #quetzalcoatl #mastersona #RexCoatl #timeline

[deliciousscaloppine]

Hot Takes Galore: A brief overview of fandom backlashes that influenced fanfiction writing traditions as I have personally experienced them:

In today’s segment I am going to talk about copyright infringement.

First let me preface this by saying I have only ever been in 3 fandoms, starting from 2008 and I have never been terribly active - like this blog has been the most active I’ve ever been in any fandom ever. I am not going to talk about particular fandom dramas because I am pretty clueless about that. What I am going to talk about is that friction between “reality” and online spaces that brought about changes that are still in effect today in the way fanfiction is written and perceived.

In 2008 as I was entering, nearly every piece of fanfiction had a disclaimer about the author not owning the characters, which were the property of Corporate Entity X, or Author Y, and also not profiting from the work in any shape or form. At the time getting money from writing fanfiction was a gigantic taboo, and almost no one did it, or advertised that they did. 

But as I understand through convention culture printed writing did circulate in exchange for money (zines), and at least in Japan one could sell doujinshis (self-published stories and comics, often within the framework of another work) in certain events. Although this was largely considered “illegal” under copyright laws, and artists could be persecuted or blacklisted from entering the industry if discovered. That’s also why fanartists often to this day may screen where and when their work is viewed, and move to take down reposts, or call others to protest if artworks are circulated without permission outside of the artist’s page.

Older fandom people also hated authors that moved against fanfiction, a big case being Anne Rice, the vampire lady everyone - including me - copies when writing about vampires. And now I am going to talk a little about that.

Usually, writers, just sit somewhere cosy and write, and often they have no idea, absolutely no idea, on how to manage their writing properties - usually a lawyer does that, and lawyers want A Lot Of Money (A brief brush with justice and lawyers over a civil dispute I won, cost me 1000 euros out of nowhere, in a single day, and no I couldn’t avoid it because I was the accused one, so I had to appear with some representation). 

So sometimes, quite often, it’s a lawyer that activates a writer or other artist to move against “smaller” copyright infringements, in order to make bank. And if one suffers such a case, they should make it as apparent as possible to the other party that they have no money, and the pressure will go away immediately. But even MORE OFTEN a small copyright infringement, may lead to a sequence of bigger ones, and ultimately the de facto loss of rights from one’s writing properties, and of course revenue. 

And for a lot of published authors, they just don’t know for how long they can publish things - publishing houses that have them signed can close, book sales can drop, tastes change, personal problems, and anything else may mean that they could find themselves without a source of income at any point in the future, while they are aging and becoming more and more irrelevant. 

A very famous case currently, is that of Alan Dean Foster, the writer who has done some novelizations for movies like Star Wars and Alien, and is no longer receiving revenue from that - while his wife is hospitalized and their family needs the income - because Disney absorbed the company that had signed the contract with him, and chose to not honor the previous contract. To make them pay he will have to go into a huge legal battle with a corporate giant, which he cannot afford. But they still absorb income from these novelizations.

But how does fanfiction tie into that, and Anne Rice’s case (which if memory serves right, also went through a series of personal problems, including her husband’s death during that time). 

So for a lot of writers, fanfiction may be that tiny breach that may threaten their rights in the future from tresspases of distribution networks. Meaning, people write vampire fanfiction based on Anne Rice’s work? What if another publishing house used the template of her works (historical settings, bleeding orifices, religious themes, homosexuality and sexual trauma etc) and produced a royalty free series of such works with a team of professional writers that do not own the work - who often have less rights, like not owning the characters, or the storylines, participating in a very small scale, so their payment goes down etc)

And in this way EVERYONE SUFFERS. Big Name Published Author fades into obscurity and goes into poverty and payroll writers are horrifically abused.  

A lot of hobbyists, and hobbyist writers whose sole dream is to be published in some shape or form, do not really care, and do not concern themselves with the legal aspect of creation, or the technical skill that it takes to produce writing on a consistent basis, which can only happen if you’ve got your basic needs covered. So they might see this type of backlash as inherently privileged. 

But it’s not really a privilege, there has been a global recession in basic working rights for everyone, and lovers of fiction don’t have to condone, of course, attacks against them, but they need to put that kind of backlash in perspective. Someone did write the content you enjoy, THEY ARE NOT DEAD YET, and may have opinions on how it should be managed, especially when it pertains to their livelihood. 

It’s a delicate balance that we all must keep in order to keep corporate regulations out of it.

For instance with the recent danmei explosion The Untamed brought forth, Ao3 was banned in China. Now a lot of you might know that this was caused by some real person fic involving the actor Xiao Zhan, which led to a whole other level of drama. But make no mistake this was a political act to protect the interests of the domestic publishing industry as it prepares to do an international opening that will bring in several billions from foreign markets.

Because Ao3 has been expanding as a platform globally it brings about changes, and in many cases steals readers away from traditional publishing, so it becomes unacceptable economically for a bunch of hobbyists to influence tastes, market mores, and create sensationalism around certain properties out of literally the blue. This is not a good thing for a lot of corporate thinking, they set the product and we are supposed to buy it. We are not supposed to go, it would look greater with a bunch of anal, and then put forth a million words altering the character of the intellectual property.

Why you ask? Again, because another publishing industry might choose to imitate the style of danmei fanfics and produce works that hijack readership, or lead to breach of contracts, making an unsafe environment for workers in this industry (Xiao Zhan’s case.)

Nowadays I see more and more fanfic authors coming out of their shell to ask money for writing in the form of donations, patronage and commissions, as fandom involvement is also becoming vastly monetized. The market of conventions coming into social media platforms. A strange more exists still in which while “legally wrong”, as long as money is not asked on the publishing platform (Ao3), it may not count as copyright infringement. But fanfic authors, may still be treated with hostility for this, for not “deserving” to profit from someone else’s properties, or even worse for “stealing” readership. 

For instance a recent argument I have seen from lgbtq authors, is that they remain unsupported by fandom spaces, who often proclaim themselves as lgbtq or lgbtq friendly (something that is not true), but at the same time they are not looking for published lgbtq stories, or authors, or even treat these with open hostility, or a lot of bias.

Fandom is not comprised from “readers” in the traditional sense, definitely not friends of literature, and it’s free, no one really has to pay anything to read a published fanfic.  So it’s a pretty loose demographic with no set characteristics, and no interest in investing time and money in something for long. It’s an online social activity and not a readers’ movement, highly influenced by peer pressure and branding. It’s basically a gigantic group of people who don’t really do anything for no one, and may develop a parasitic connection to intellectual properties (I am sorry peers, it’s the truth). 

And it’s perhaps the biggest counterculture scene at the moment in the developed world. To this day it treats even its own authors with tremendous suspicion, disregard and dismissal, meaning that even if someone can get some money and recognition locally through writing fanfic they are on thin fucking ice at all times for all the reasons but mostly attracting unnecessary attention to themselves and subsequently the scene.  A pattern that we will see is endemic to all forms of fandom backlashes.

So to this day in contrast with fanart, fan writers may not be compensated for their troubles, but may also be ousted from their domestic professional spaces for writing fanfic that may infringe on their intellectual property. 

The thing is, for me, that fandom culture can become incredibly supportive of corporate practices that harm actual people (writers, they are people too) but when they realize that the same corporate practices may be used against them, it’s too late to realize that it’s not a lottery of who wins by crying more, and by the time that happens, a corporation or industry who has used them to do its dark bidding, can stop catering to them  because ultimately they have become again irrelevant once a well defined demographic of  readers and viewers has been secured.

So if you are going to do counterculture, at least do it right. Be respectful of the writers/authors of the content you consume and mindful of their troubles, do not generate public strife that brings in political regulation in favor of corporate interests. Become interested in writing culture, support your fanfic authors with lasting engagement in their work, even if it escapes the narrow confines of a certain fandom. It’s simple. Eat, live, pray, fuck, or something.

#fandom history?

[valkblue]

Being a Behavior technician requires a certain amount of dedication to the job — the rigorous type, bordeline rigid. That’s what is expected to be at peak efficiency regarding analysis protocols and diagnostics for host service and calibration.

For that, Vivian thinks she might be the worst tech in her department. 

— masterlist, AO3

Chapter 1 on 12

Chapter wordcount: 2,486 Story status: Complete Rating: General Warning: people swear a lot, technobabble counts as swearing as well (believe me)…

Author’s notes: This is the first time I post a fanfic online. A real big one I mean. Not just crackfics... I’m emotional. I don’t know what the schedule will be yet because my queue is acting up, but everything should be out regularly, or something that looks like it. This first chapter is an intro to the main character and what she does, and I hope you’ll enjoy this story and its characters all the way!  Also, I really want to thank @pheedraws​ and @something-tofightfor​ for their heartwarming feedback on the whole story. Thank you SO much!!

Have a good time reading, and my askbox/messages are open! 💙

— Chapter 1

Now wasn’t a good time to yawn…

And yet, Vivian had nothing else to do but wait right now, wait while the progress bars slowly filled up on her tablet screen.

Now wasn’t the time, simply because some of her colleagues were passing through the hallway, behind the glass panels of her cubicle, and among them was the head of Behavior department — incidentally, her superior.

No doubt they were all about to grab a bite at the restaurant and Vivian held back an almost envious mumble; she was starving! But before she could go eat anything, she had to finish with her last subject on her morning schedule; host ID#DH410829420391, named Mildred.

And Mildred was back at the lab on account of a negative report about her response time during interactions with other hosts but also with guests. A lag that only happened in character mode, not in analysis. So, Vivian started with refreshing her lexical base and improvisation engine. It took some time to check the entire tree but as of now, it was done.

"Can you confirm if the update’s complete?"

"Confirmed," Mildred answered right away, her voice flat and her look vacant.

"Back in character mode."

Mildred seemed to wake up and blinked once before focusing her attention  back on Vivian.

"Mildred?"

"Oh, I’m sorry," she answered with a hint of a shy smile. "I must have drifted off, I believe… The working hours at the farm are ungodly sometimes!"

The response time was more than good, now. The improvisation too.

"I was wondering if there’s a lot of clients at the farm these days," Vivian asked.

The answer was not long to come.

"Certainly! Our cattle sure gives the best milk there is. No matter what the competition says!"

"How many green bottles are standing on the wall?"

Questions and procedures were always more or less the same to determine which bits of code, settings or values could cause an issue or start to glitch like crazy!

But today, for Mildred — and Vivian — everything was back in order, and each/both of them could soon return to the the usual course of their scheduled day.

It was about time for Vivian to take a break, if she was reduced to that kind of wisecrack…

A glance at her wristwatch, even while her tablet displayed a more accurate time than the watch hands, and Vivian concluded her analysis. She folded the tablet, slid it back in her jacket pocket, and left the large glass room after one last embarrassed look at Mildred she was leaving there, naked in the dark. Vivian didn’t even fight down a shiver. It was actually freezing cold in there!

She comforted herself with the thought that Mildred didn’t feel anything in this state, disconnected, and that a team wouldn’t take too long to come get her, do her hair, dress her up and put her back in rotation in no time. Barely as much as Vivian had for her lunch break… and that was just enough to go all the way up to the hub restaurant. But the bosses here didn’t care much about how long the lunch breaks lasted, as long as the work was done in time.

So, Vivian didn’t hurry to get to the elevator she shared with two co-workers who only interrupted their chitchat about hockey results for a vague greeting.

At this hour, the restaurant was a bit more crowded but it still wasn’t too hard to find a seat in the large and relatively peaceful room. The whole vibe in it was corporate though, even in that staff only room; every dish were stamped with the park logo and name — from the bottom of the plates to the salt shakers — and a flat HD screen displayed a bunch of Delos branches ads that looked much weirder without sound.

After a while, one didn’t really pay attention to all this anymore… A few months was enough to make it all part of the landscape and for the mind to simply stop noticing it.

And Vivian had been working here for three years, now.

However, she was still bothered by a few details sometimes, such as the huge white walls that spanned all the way up a balcony floor and a domed ceiling or the fact that the stalls were lit with a pale light under which the food turned to a sickly colour.

Hopefully, under the less saturated lights of the main room, the Caesar salads and the turkey-tomato sandwiches were back to a more appetizing hue.

Her tray loaded with a potato-corn salad, a big glass of water and a piece of bread, Vivian walked towards the tables, eager for her potatoes to lose their blueish glint. Just shy of the screen, she recognised a familiar face, Margaret’s, another Behavior tech from her team. Both were on friendly basis now, where it was possible to enjoy some time together and to laugh a little, even if it took them a whole year to finally break the ice.

Margaret waved at Vivian when she saw her pick her way across the room, inviting her to join them — them being Margaret, and three other guys from their department.

"Did you hear the latest, Vivian!?" she blurted. "I’ve been told that Damon Dyers is in the park, at this very moment!"

"Damon… Dyers?"

Vivian didn’t even hide her puzzlement while sitting in front of her.

"The actor," one of the three guys — Luke — pointed out. "Marge was just exposing how she’ll mooch the control room techs for a footage…"

"Listen, if you were as thirsty as I am about this guy, you’d understand!" Margaret replied.

To that, he quipped:

"My husband would be pissed!"

All chuckled in approval before returning to their almost emptied plates, while Vivian had barely touched her own.

"Can you imagine," Margaret daydreamt, leaning back in her seat as in a comfy armchair, holding her Pyrex glass like a snifter of bourbon. "Damon hunting down Escaton in the hills…"

Vivian scoffed; she could imagine, indeed.

At the table, Charles, Thawal and Luke didn’t pay any more attention to them, carrying on with their chat about retro gaming. Vivian would probably have preferred to be part of that conversation; not that she didn’t know shit about movies and their actors, but more like aside from a few exceptions on which they got along swimmingly, she didn’t have much taste in common with Margaret. But she listened to her friend anyway as she kept going after a sip of sparkling water:

"How am I not supposed to be hot on the idea!? I’ll deadass find someone to bootleg me some footages!"

Vivian smiled out of politeness, not saying much, as always. Her mouth was full anyway.

"Oh, by the way!"

Margaret took another swip of her glass before putting it down on the table and leaning towards Vivian.

"Apparently, they’re going to burden us with a whole new bunch of hosts in two or three weeks," she said, with all the serious she could muster. "I heard that from Elsie. Narrative must be trying to compensate for something, if you know what I mean…"

Vivian knew very well.

"We barely have time to light a fag between two sessions already and they plan to add another hundred on our backs!?"

She snorted disdainfully.

"Don’t know what they’re spicing their coffee with but it isn’t doing them any good."

"No shit," admitted Vivian, a bit testy at the idea. "Unless they also plan to hire? Did Lowe say anything about it?"

Margaret shrugged.

"No idea, I haven’t talked to him in a while."

She patted her blazer pockets then sighed softly; Vivian understood her attitude as relief, and a craving, even a need to light a cigarette.

"You should ask," Margaret pointed out with a smile a tad clenched in the orbicularis muscles. "You like him, right?"

Vivian approved; she admired his thoroughness, his love for details… A lot could be learned while working under his care and Vivian found him both spirited and friendly.

Margaret didn’t quite share the feeling, however; in her own words, he was giving her the heebie-jeebies.

"Anyway, I’m off," Margaret stated with an even greater impatience in her voice. "I gotta light one before the crazy afternoon waiting for me!"

She gathered her cutlery on her tray, adding:

"Not giving up on the idea to come across Damon fucking Dyers, though! At least in video recs. Wish me luck!"

Vivian nodded and Margaret put her tray away on the sideboard before hurrying to the exit.

Her colleagues had changed topics next to her, and now they were talking about cars, motorcycles and mechanics. As she didn’t know much about that topic, not as much as in computers, she listened only a little without taking part.

Then, Vivian finished wolfing down her potato salad and her glass of water; she would soon return to her shift and examine a series of hosts, the characteristics of which she overviewed on her tablet from her timetable’s folders. It was simply routine checks, and Vivian liked that kind of sessions; it was like meeting with a friend, just to catch up with them.

But for now, she would take a few minutes to get some air and natural light on top of the hub before diving back into the high tech depths of the Mesa.

At seven in the evening, closer to eight, Vivian was glad to be back to her on-site apartments. Once again, she had grabbed a snack at the restaurant but the room was much more crowded than it was at lunch and came close to a headache before reaching "home". She could have dined here, cooked something on her induction hob but she was so tired — or lazy — that, tonight again, she still choose to eat at the restaurant over having to do the dishes!

Now, she was getting out of the shower in her bathrobe and throw herself on her bed.

Living like this, it was like being a teenager all over again, back at her parents’, or at the dorm… but once she closed her apartment’s door, Vivian was totally free to do whatever she wanted. As long as it didn’t involve wrecking the place!

But now, even if she wanted to, Vivian wouldn’t have had the strength to break any chair, nor even to make a mess of the bed… About that, she was actually planning on laying there, and falling asleep in her bathrobe while watching a movie or reading any book she had available on her personal tablet. A tablet that was nothing close to the one she was using every day in the Behavior department labs, but a tablet anyway.

She swiped the covers without any real interest; in all honesty, she was feeling too tired to read. Even something she had already read. And she cringed a little when the minimalistic cover with her automatically signed name appeared.

Yeah, even too tired to read her own words!

Besides, it wasn’t great literature at all — a fanfiction. Two, to be precise. Both about the hosts and their narratives as she could have written about a movie, book, or video game’s characters.

Vivian grumbled, letting her tablet fall flat on her stomach, and she stared at the white ceiling before closing her eyes while nibbling her lips. She had written this almost six months after she started working here, taken over by all the motivation, excitement and creativity around her!

She refocused on herself since but, in the meantime, she wrote these. And even though Vivian considered herself to have a fertile imagination, she still commended herself about how better for everyone it was she hadn’t applied for a job in Narrative…

Rising her tablet up again and tapping on the lit screen, she entered the file and skimmed through it, trying to ignore the grammar mistakes she stopped committing since; and mistakes aside, her stories had nothing exceptional, totally influenced as they were by her mood and the not-so-new-but-still-trendy storyline — Escaton’s and his bandits, essentially…

Over a very short time, when Vivian was still more or less trying to fit into the life of the facility and social circles of her co-workers whose names had yet to be caught, she had heard so many comments, appreciations and reviews for this narrative that she looked into it first.

After all, the park afforded Lee Sizemore, renowned author who made a big name for himself with a "hot and grimy" historical saga, a few years back before running out of puff under his editor’s pressure. And a juicy offer by a video game studio to adapt it. 

She understood; everybody, whether staff or guests, was more or less hyped by the brute force brought by Hector Escaton — virile and dark male figure — to the relative tranquility of the park’s starting point.

And Vivian had been no exception.

If her first story was only about made-up characters to explore the pleasing and well rounded context of Sweetwater, her second, on the other hand, was more audacious, altering shamelessly the story from what its authors had surely intended; victorious over the town after killing the sheriff and all opposition, Escaton and his gang enjoyed their plunder at the Mariposa where Hector fell for one of the saloon girls.

That being said, Vivian remained very proper — maybe totally prudish — in these sort of narrative fantasies of hers; nothing turned freaky or utterly violent…

All she did was throwing a few sentences on her writing app for some evenings, when inspiration struck or simply because she urged herself to follow through with what she started. All on her personal tablet. She knew better than to write that on anything system-tethered. Imagining that a bored somebody could just hack into the system all the way up to her personal data… and end up on that giddy nonsense, made her wants to puke!

Not to mention that it might also be forbidden. Even though she never planned to, she knew she couldn’t share it with anyone, nor anywhere. Not as a park employee. If the guests were writing critiques and other reviews online about their stay, herself couldn’t talk about it from the inside. Confidentiality and shit…

Her texts would remain secret, and her silly fantasies with them. In any case, it wasn’t as if she intended to try anything for herself, and even less with Hector Escaton, all the more since he wasn’t even part of the batch her team had in charge. And also, rumor has it that fantasies aren’t always good when act upon!

With a lazy tap, Vivian quitted the reading app and dropped the tablet on her sheets before burying her face in her soft pillow. She let out a deep sigh in it, relaxed, and in fact, she fell asleep almost right away.

#ocs #oc:vivian #my writing #fic:improvisation only #westworld fanfic #full diagnostic series #westworld fic #westworld

[unforth]

A Non-Exhaustive and (In)Frequently Updated List of Resources I’ve Used while Writing MDZS/CQL/Untamed Fic

I did so much research for The Vermillion Ribbon that I decided to make a doc out of it. If I’m bored sometime (ha) I might go farther back through my google search history but for now this is MDZS specific and just what I used for TVR. I’ll try to update it periodically as I write other things, though, so it’ll get more complete.

In most cases, I go to Google and type in what I’m trying to find out. This might be a question - “were there barrels in ancient china” - or it might be an idiom - “origin ‘barrels of fun’” - or it might definition - “define pusillanimity”  or it might be that I’m trying to find out if a reference is appropriate - “china mosquitoes” was a search to make sure there were, in fact, mosquitoes in China. Each of these searches only take a few minutes at most but doing them can really enhance a narrative. 

Here are some other examples of searches I used to get utterly random pieces of information I needed - all of these produced the results I was looking for:

domesticated geese in china

traditional shanghai food

history of sandpaper

traditional peaked hat china

how to help someone who is having a flashback

parts of a day bed

wang yibo height

shades of green

is dumbfoundment a word

bland chinese food

flowers native to eastern china

how were ancient chinese homes heated

does chinese hair tangle

when do gentians bloom

popular alcohol in hebei

how does baijiu taste

history of use sinkers for fishing

does rain damage silk

what are the dots in go called in chinese

perception of snakes in china

do people kneel or sit cross legged at chinese tables

history of our understanding of cancer

common bushes near tianjin

necrotization vs gangrene

chinese formal letter opener

I’m including these so you see...basically if an issue comes up while you’re writing, and you’re not sure...just check. The information is out there. Looking at it gives the FBI agent spying on all your internet usage something interesting to read!

General Writing Resources:

Behind the Name and Behind the Surname (https://www.behindthename.com/, https://surnames.behindthename.com/) - definitely more a resource for Western names but if you care about name origin and meaning, extremely handy.

Encyclopedia Britannica (https://www.britannica.com/) - I use it much less often than Wiki but it’s still helpful sometimes.

Google Image Search (https://www.google.com/imghp) - not sure what something looks like? GIS is your best friend. There’s no better way to make sure you write a compel a description than to actually look at the thing you’re trying to describe.

Google Maps (https://maps.google.com/) - if you’re writing about a real place, it’s always helpful to be able to look at it, especially on satellite or street view.

Google Translate (https://translate.google.com/) - should you rely on it? God, no. But if you just need something basic and you remember you might get garbage back, it can still be helpful.

Online Etymology Dictionary (https://www.etymonline.com/) - an excellent source for word origins, especially slang (like if you’re trying to figure out if a word or phrase is time period appropriate).

Onomatopoeias (http://onomatopoeialist.com/) - need just the right sound? Here you go.

Scrivener (https://www.literatureandlatte.com/scrivener/overview) - this is the only writing software I’ve ever used and while I honestly don’t use it for writing fanfiction (I just write in gdocs and wing it), I still support it and I use it to organize my research for original projects.

Thesaurus.com (https://www.thesaurus.com/) - my preferred thesaurus. I use a thesaurus constantly - both for synonyms and antonyms - while writing and find it infinitely more useful than, say, the lists of words I sometimes see circulating as rebloggable Tumblr posts. If you find a word you’re not sure of listed, always check the definition before using it.

Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Main_Page) - maybe I should be embarrassed by how often I rely on Wiki but fuck that, because Wiki is an invaluable source for random obscure information. On major topics it’s sometimes unreliable but on most historical matters aside from those that are most fraught (ie, the causes of the US Civil War) you can generally trust that the information is reliable, and if you need more information the included references can help a lot. 

Sources for Information on English Idioms (asterisk denotes ones I like best/use most):

The Free Dictionary: https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/

*The Grammarist: https://grammarist.com/

Know Your Phrase: https://knowyourphrase.com/

Merriam-Webster “Words at Play” Blog: https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play

*The Phrase Finder: https://www.phrases.org.uk/index.html

Word Histories: https://wordhistories.net/

MDZS/CQL-Specific Resources:

LIST OF OTHER REFERENCE SOURCES: https://wangxianfics.tumblr.com/post/617467597810778112/mdzs-resources-references

Characters Ages: 

Novel-specific: https://mihanada.tumblr.com/post/176537120295/are-there-any-actual-or-speculated-ages-for-the

Character Ages When Specific Events Happen: https://wang-xians.tumblr.com/post/190805604377/ages-of-wei-wuxian-and-peers-during-key-events

Character Birthdays: https://klashta-neali.tumblr.com/post/183922824954/tdp-and-mdzs-character-birthdays-masterlist-im

Character Heights: https://bigbadredpanda.tumblr.com/post/181326045966/mdzs-character-height-chart

Character List and Ship List (the only one of these resources I made…): https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/u/3/d/1qtE4KXAcLfdEEBv-JHznf81Uoo8gZzrI_ID-kn9B6BU/edit?usp=sharing

Character Names and Titles: 

A list of names and titles: https://bonibaru.tumblr.com/post/187163138846/mdzs-character-names-and-titles

Some info on who calls others what, and why: https://bigbadredpanda.tumblr.com/post/182713668731/hello-can-you-pls-explain-it-to-me-why-mdzs

Some breakdown on relationships relating to what people call each other: https://bigbadredpanda.tumblr.com/post/182811566041/hi-theres-something-i-was-a-bit-curious-about

Event Timeline: 

https://somanyjacks-writes.tumblr.com/post/190555900555/mdzs-rough-timeline

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/15GsYRs4V5ZpfTTQ3fHaPOd-6f_cnFMB6upoH6A6Gwsw/edit#gid=0

Honorifics Guide: https://nomadicism.tumblr.com/post/185554769582/cleyra-i-made-a-mdzs-honorifics-guide-for-one-of?is_related_post=1

Lan Clan Rules: 

https://twitter.com/BigBadRedPanda/status/1170675728750469125?s=19

https://my-otp-list.tumblr.com/post/178014806440/so-i-heard-youve-been-wondering-what-are-the

Locations/Map: https://childe-wei.tumblr.com/post/190288325910/mercyandmagic-mdzs-locations-sects-are

Modao Zushi Fandom Wiki (https://modao-zushi.fandom.com/wiki/Grandmaster_of_Demonic_Cultivation_Wiki) - MDZS has one of the most exhaustive and well-done fandom wikis I’ve used to date.

Swords (these are images, with the name, of each weapon in Untamed): 

https://linglynz.tumblr.com/post/187228990951/the-untamed-weapons-part-13

https://thirteenyearsofslumber.tumblr.com/post/187243506239/linglynz-the-untamed-weapons-part-2

https://linglynz.tumblr.com/post/187245850321/the-untamed-weapons-part-33

What Each Character Calls Each Other Character: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1NEL1WU6NU3rzuLgTjJYDDGNu2XW0DZLQYlJGJhcz9IU/edit?usp=drivesdk

What the Heck does Er-Gege Actually Mean: https://boat-full-of-lotus-pods.tumblr.com/post/182490910183/this-is-a-really-stupid-question-but-what-is-the

General History:

The Tiffany Problem: https://medium.com/swlh/the-tiffany-problem-when-history-makes-no-sense-703b86522627

Chinese Culture, History and Language:

Alcoholic Drinks: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcoholic_drinks_in_China

Architecture: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_architecture

Breakfast Foods: https://www.thespruceeats.com/traditional-chinese-breakfast-694158

Common Cooking Ingredients: 

Pantry Essentials: https://thewoksoflife.com/chinese-pantry-essential-ingredients/

Spices: https://spoonuniversity.com/lifestyle/12-common-chinese-spices

Confucius: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confucius

Creation Myths: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_creation_myths

Clothing: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancient_Chinese_clothing

Desserts: https://www.echinacities.com/expat-life/6-Traditional-Chinese-Desserts-You-Have-to-Try

Dictionary of Chinese Buddhist Terms: http://mahajana.net/texts/soothill-hodous.html

Diyu (Hell): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diyu

Etiquette Guides: 

http://factsanddetails.com/china/cat4/sub19/item114.html

https://www.chinahighlights.com/travelguide/guidebook/etiquette.htm

The Five Punishments: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Punishments

The Five Virtues: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Virtues

The Five Virtues: http://www.goolevalve.com/news/news-detail-195.html

Furniture: https://www.chinese-furniture.com/c_furniture/history.html

Go: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Go_(game)

History of Chinese Gardens: https://www.chinahighlights.com/travelguide/architecture/features-garden.htm

How Names Work: 

https://avenuex.ca/blog/2019/8/24/how-ancient-chinese-names-work-learn-from-the-untamed

https://twitter.com/chiharuzushi/status/1125436481638629382

Jade: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_jade

Literary Conventions: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20426162/chapters/48456785

Music: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Music_of_China

Musical Instruments: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Chinese_musical_instruments

Musical Instruments: https://www.cchatty.com/Traditional-Chinese-Musical-Instruments-g-100163

Mythology: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_mythology

Numbers: https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Chinese_(Mandarin)/Numbers

Pet Names:

6 Terms of Endearment: http://blog.tutorming.com/mandarin-chinese-learning-tips/chinese-terms-of-endearment

200+ Chinese Nicknames for Guys and Girls (With Meanings): https://www.findnicknames.com/chinese-nicknames/

Random Chinese Name Generator: https://www.fantasynamegenerators.com/chinese_names.php

Symbolism in Chinese Embroidery: 

https://augustphoenixhats.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/Stitchery4-Chinese-Symbolism.pdf

https://www.aucklandmuseum.com/discover/stories/blog/2015/the-language-of-chinese-embroidery

https://www.travelchinaguide.com/intro/arts/embroidery.htm

Symbolism in Chinese Porcelain: https://china360online.org/?property=228-park-ave-s

Swear Words: https://ltl-school.com/chinese-swear-words/

Taoist Alchemy: https://www.goldenelixir.com/files/The_Way_of_the_Golden_Elixir.pdf

Time (and how to tell time): https://www.reddit.com/r/noveltranslations/comments/4az3tg/ancient_chinese_measurements_of_time/

Titles for Family Members: https://www.italki.com/article/183/complete-list-of-titles-for-family-members-in-chinese

Titles and Honorifics: 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_titles

https://www.wuxiaworld.com/page/wuxia-xianxia-terms-of-address

Underwear: 

https://www.thoughtco.com/chinese-clothing-dudou-687371

http://chinesehanclothing.blogspot.com/2016/01/underwear.html

https://wedriveeast.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/history-of-chinese-undergarments-part-1/

Units of Measurement: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_units_of_measurement (includes multiple historical systems, sorted by era and with their metric equivalent)

Weapons:

Siege Weapons: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_siege_weapons

Weddings:

Basics: https://pearlriver.com/blogs/blog/your-guide-to-chinese-weddings

Overview: https://www.topchinatravel.com/china-guide/chinese-wedding-customs.htm

Overview: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_marriage

Order of Events: https://www.char4u.com/content/chinese-wedding-day-order-events/

Tea Ceremony: https://www.teasenz.com/chinese-tea/chinese-wedding-tea-ceremony.html

Wuxia World: https://www.wuxiaworld.com/

Wuxia World: “Cores” in Chinese Cultivation Novels: https://www.wuxiaworld.com/page/cores-in-chinese-cultivation-novels

Wuxia World: What is Dao? https://www.wuxiaworld.com/page/what-dao-heck

Wuxia World Glossary: https://www.wuxiaworld.com/page/general-glossary-of-terms

Sex Stuff:

The History of Lube: https://getmaude.com/blogs/themaudern/the-history-of-lube

It’s Literally a Picture of a Dick: https://slideplayer.com/slide/3858701/13/images/15/Reproductive+System+Visual+1%3A+External+male+views.jpg

Prevalence of Circumcision: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prevalence_of_circumcision

Sex with Uncircumcised Assigned Male at Birth People: https://www.asstr.org/~Kristen/learning/uncut.htm

What Does Semen Taste Like: https://www.healthline.com/health/mens-health/what-does-sperm-taste-like

Pain and Trauma:

Helping Someone with PTSD: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm

List of Methods of Torture: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_methods_of_torture

#unforth writes #writing resources #the untamed #untamed #mdzs #modaozushi #modao zushi #mo dao zu shi #chengqingling #cheng qing ling #chengqing ling

[sadlyafanofotomegames]

A Road Paved with Bad Endings - Nightshade

You know why it takes so long to talk about Nameless Bad Endings?  Because they’re so complicated and different from each other!  There’s so many bad endings.  So.  Many.  Bad.  Endings.  So why don’t we shift gears and talk about a game that limits itself to one bad ending per boy.  Sometimes you get otome games where each ending is unique and fucked up in their own special way.  And then sometimes its just “And then they died.”  And you know what?  Those endings can be just as valid.  So lets get to these shinobis and ninjas and Naruto has corrupted my vision of ninjas permanently I am so sorry.  

Nightshade is about Enju, daughter of the Koga Clan’s leader and the sister of the Iga Clan leader.  After the Iga Clan was destroyed in a war the Koga Clan absorbed the survivors.  Because of this Enju is seen as the glue keeping the Koga and Iga Clan together, and is treasured by the villagers.  But Enju wants to be a real shinobi and go on missions like everyone else.  One day she gets her wish, and travels with her childhood friends and mentor to complete a mission.  Good news, she completed the mission!  Bad news, she gets accused of killing the ruler right after.

On the way she travels with her childhood friend and bodyguard Gekkamaru, her other childhood friend and Gekkamaru’s brother Kuroyuki, and her mentor and cousin (oh no) Chojiro, as well as meeting a cold-hearted powerful ninja from another clan, Hanzo, and a libertine totally-not-a-gentleman-thief Goemon.  Who’s going to be with Enju beyond the game of life-and-death she’s been forced into?  Or in this case, who’s going to see her literal end?

General Thoughts on This Bad End Journey

So before I get to the boys I’ll just do an overview on how choices work here.  Note that I’m playing the Switch Version.  You got the boys.  You got choices.  First four chapters you make choices that the boy you want likes and then in chapter five that’s when the route starts (though some routes start a bit early, but each route’s choices still start in Chapter 5.)  If you go to the Relationships in the Menu you’ll notice the line of boys and under each one is a line of flowers.  Every time you pick a choice a boy would like, the flowers will flash on screen and the next time you check the Relationships you’ll see the flower line begin to fill in with color.  Whoever’s flower is colored in the most until chapter 4 will begin the route in 5, and to get the good end you need to continue filling the line with color as much as possible.  Don’t fill the line by the end?  Bad Ending.

This makes it pretty simple to get the ending you want.  Quick Save, make a choice, see the flowers, good.  Make a choice, don’t see the flowers, bad, quick load.  I’d recommend Quick Saving continuously if you’re like me and can’t stop smashing buttons like I’m trying to speedrun (I can read pretty fast) because if you’re not paying attention you’ll “A” yourself right into picking the first option of a choice that popped up.  I did this more times than I would like to admit to.

On the content of the choices themselves, they’re good at connecting to the themes of each boy, so even though you can depend on the flower pop-up to keep you on the path you want you can intuitively see which choices work.  This is not true for all otome games.

The Bad Endings themselves basically all lead to the same place - dead and sad.  Enju dies, then boy.  Or boy dies, then Enju.  But each ending differentiates itself in the various flavors of how the deaths occurs and the reaction to it.  Also there’s one sad song for all the bad endings and it is a mood.  Despite the simplicity of it these endings do genuinely make me sad because Enju is a cutie and I love her and how dare you do this to her and dangit now I’m fond of the boys and now they’re sad and now I’m sad and I’m listening to a sad credit song and want to eat ice cream in a empty bathtub and cry for some reason.  So lets be sad...together.  

Spoilers for each route.  Warning for Descriptions of Death and Suicide. 

Goemon - It’s All Fun and Games Until You Need to Pretend You Betrayed a Cute Girl and Cause Her to Be So Sad She Doesn’t Stop Someone From Killing Her

Goemon is a gentleman thief archetype, who’s a player (or in this case libertine?) and steals from the rich to give to the poor.  Goemon is the only real one because he doesn't give a single fuck about cops, shinobi rules or the hierarchy, and strives not to shed blood if he can help it, AND is always good to Enju (expect when he was forced to be mean and he literally cried about it later in the good ending.)  Usually I’m not for player types, but Goemon manages to pull off being flirty and playful without coming off as pervy and careless.  It helps that there’s isn’t a Mean Girl for him to flirt with to cause conflict.  But then we near the ending of the route, where Goemon has to pull off a ploy to save Enju without being able to tell her the ploy, and it sucks.  I knew it was a ploy from the start, but you still made her be sad gosh darnit!  They managed to save the good mood of the route after that spell but just thinking about it left a sour taste in my mouth.  Unless you’re in the bad end, in which case you’ll be left with the taste of TEARS.

How to Get the Bad End 

Show distrust toward Goemon.  Goemon, lets be honest here, looks a little sus.  He pressures young ladies into going out for deserts, he’s a little flirty and doesn’t seem to take things with the right amount of seriousness, you fought him on a rooftop because he’s a notorious thief you were sent to capture, you know, it might be hard for Enju to trust him.  When Enju trusts in Goemon and is ready to have a good time (no not that kind) the two really establish a bond.  But on the road to the bad end Enju always had a seed of doubt in her mind about Goemon.

What Happens

The ploy Goemon came up with was to pretend to rejoin his old shinobi clan, the Fuma Clan, and deliver Enju to the Council of the Five Elder  (who all want to be the regent for the late rulers son but need to avenge him by killing his murderer) and then double-crossing both the Lords and his old clan and escaping with Enju with them believing she died.  Unfortunately because he’s surrounded by Fuma Clan members during this ruse he couldn’t spill the beans, thus Enju was left in the dark.  Also he faked all of her friends murders.  It’s not a great feeling to become so connected to someone only to find out that they killed all your friend and will send you to your death.  

But in the good path Enju is able to still believe in Goemon.  In the bad route...she just gives up on that line of thinking.  When they reach the palace, there’s a twist Goemon wasn’t expecting.  The late ruler’s Concubine and mother of the later ruler’s son enters before any of the Lords can debate who’ll execute her and kills Enju herself, and in her despair Enju lets her.  Goemon then releases the poison that causes people to see illusions and kill each other.  Hanzo escapes with his lord Tokugawa before it hits them.

Review

This ending fits well with Goemon because its after Enju dies because of her doubt toward him that Goemon truly betrays his beliefs.  He didn’t want to kill anymore.  He didn’t want to ever use the cruel techniques he was taught as a shinobi leader.  And then he’s left holding Enju’s body covered in blood that’s not his own, tear in one eye.  Hearing the screams of lords and servants alike killing each other due to his poison.  It’s poetic. 

Hanzo - TFW You Go From Cold to Softie But Still End Up in a Double-Suicide Because You’re Girlfriend Didn’t Fully Learn Her Own Self-Worth

So Hanzo is what the kids call, a kuudere.  He’s also the oldest, being the same age as Enju’s mom.  Enju is 16-17.  I am uncomfortable.  To be fair Goemon is also around Hanzo’s age, but Goemon doesn’t act as a tutor/guardian in the way Hanzo does, so its less noticeable.  Also...he gets real saucy in the last chapter.  Saucier than the so-called libertine.  Went from 0 to 100 real fast.  There are some parts I really love about this route, but given Hanzo’s role and age-gap I feel like this is one of those ones where I wish they left out the romance altogether, but hey this wouldn’t be an otome game without the smooching, so eh. 

How to Get the Bad End

Be pessimistic, hesitant, self-defeating, make silly mistakes.  Hanzo wants Enju to be smart and willing to improve her skills.  This entire route is really about Enju’s growth, both mental and physical, in the face of overbearing odds.  So don’t do that and you’ll end up in the bad end.  There’s a loooong gap between your last choice and where the bad end hits, and in the last chapter you don’t get any more choices.  

What happens.

When Hanzo seemingly disobeys his lord’s order to kill Enju (at least, that’s what the messenger said) he planned to commit suicide.  In the good ending Enju stops him and they move on to smooches but in the bad ending...she kills him herself so that he wouldn’t have to do it.  Then she ends her life soon after.

Review

I was honestly wasn’t expected this flavor of death from this route, but I suppose its attached to the antithesis of the route.  Hanzo, first from orders and then from heart, needed Enju to live and demanded Enju to stay alive, but in the bad end she was able to kill her own lover but didn’t learn to stay alive for herself.  It’s sad, but its a little too short for me to really sink in the tragedy.  Now if you want tragedy for the entire route, well that’s what our next boy’s for.

Chojiro - This Whole Route is a Bad Ending That the Real Bad End is Almost Cathartic

Chojiro is...*long, drawn out sigh* Enju’s cousin and mentor, whom she calls “Brother Chojiro.”  Look there’s a lot of tropes common in otome games that I just can’t get behind, but here I am still playing them.  Anyway sliding that fact back under the carpet Chojiro is another seemingly cold-hearted man, but unlike Hanzo, Chojiro already has a developed bond with Enju, and that bond makes it obvious that Chojiro’s got the fuzzies deep down.  Unfortunately a lot depends on him being a shinobi who follows the rules and orders to a T, which is awkward when yer girl becomes a fugitive after being accused of murder and you’re sent to kill her.  Again, there’s parts of this route I really like if they didn’t bother with the romance.  The thing under the carpet aside I feel like there was already an established love between the two from the get go, so to have them smooch, especially after all their friends died, is a little bit...bad timing is all I’m saying.  Now the bad ending, well, that just fits right in.

How to Get the Bad End

A good chunk of the choices made are without Chojiro present at all, but if you pick the right choice you’ll still see the flowers.  A main theme I suppose would be to get the bad end Enju emulates Chojiro.  Try to be cool and calm.  It’s not real, but its how Enju sees Chojiro.  Think of what Chojiro would do, rather than what Enju truly feels.  That’s just a loose thread though.  The path to the bad end comes mainly from how the plot of the route happens, which is Enju asking if living is really worth...all this?

What Happens

So uh, that ruler Enju was accused of murdering?  Yeah he never died.  The double was killed.  In this route at least, he set it up so that the Five Elders would play a game to see who would become the guardian.  Each of Enju’s friends, tricked into hunting down Enju at risk of losing their entire village, represented one of the five lords.  But then, in the ruler’s viewpoint, Enju managed to kill four of her friends (actually they mostly killed each other...it was actually three of them who died) and was so impressed...that he decided to bring her and Chojiro to the castle to set up a death match.  Enju’s blood is boiling.  Chojiro’s blood is boiling.  My blood is boiling.  

So what are we gonna do?  Go down in style.  Enju decides that if they both can’t live in peace, then they shouldn’t have to live while the other dies either.  She convinces Chojiro, who’s revealed to be as soft as Chojiro always told her she was, to strike her as she strikes him.  They die in each other’s arms with smiles on their faces.

Review

While the choices don’t really connect outside of whether they’re good for Enju or not, the Bad End fits like a glass slipper on this horrific tragedy.  It’s poignant that its Enju who takes the lead in how they go out, when its always been Chojiro who had to be in charge.  At the end it was like Chojiro was holding Enju’s sleeve.  Sad and beautiful...and closed off from the opportunity to escape that was so close.

Kuroyuki - Kuroyuki is a Tragedy with a Neat Scarf and Losing Enju Did Not Help

Kuroyuki was raised alongside Enju and is, FOR ONCE, around the same age as Enju.  At age 8 he was sent out on a mission and only returns now to tag along with Enju and her friends during their mission.  He’s aloof and playful, but its pretty clear he gots some secrets, and has some feelings for Enju from the beginning.  Once you get into Kuroyuki’s route he doesn’t hide that fact, up and saying that he loves Enju early on in his route.  He can act very forward (forward enough to make me act like a PTA mom and evoke the three-feet-apart rule), but when he realizes Enju’s upset he’ll quickly apologize and make pouty faces.  Despite the fact that he can be a cold-blooded killer (like all the boys except Goemon can be) and also be the most calculating, he can also be a sweetie, and it feels like he and Enju are on a more even playing field than the other boys.  Kuroyuki and Enju can be pretty childish toward each other, and it can get pretty cute.  That won’t stop the plotwist, and this bad end, coming fast to snap your heart in two.

How to Get the Bad End

Okay also Kuroyuki’s a yandere.  Probably should have said that sooner.  Anytime you’re in a yandere route the choices that lead you to the good end are basically to be sensible, because your yandere pal sure won’t.  Its the same here, though its good to show some care.  So get to the bad end...don’t be sensible.  Be reckless.  He’s says they’d live together and die together.  That’s not worrying at all!  What if I want to be with the yandere who gaslit me, mom!?  Ever thought about that!?

What Happens

So in this route, the ruler was killed for realzies this time...by Kuroyuki.  He was probably killed by Kuroyuki in every route except in Chojiro’s and Gekkamaru’s, because when he kills the ruler there’s no blood or open gash, which is a mark of his type of power.  There was a deal between the Kaga Clan (who Kuroyuki was sent to train in 8 years ago) and the Koga Clan to kill the ruler, bringing the country back into war.  There’s no use for shinobi in times of peace.  What Kuroyuki wasn’t planning was for Enju to be accused of the murder.  So uh...he basically sets it up so that he’d be the only one to save her from prison and travel with her.  He lied about her friends possibly coming after her, which even I was set to believe because I was in a couple of routes where they did come after her, which was clever.  He was spot on about Enju’s father disowning her though, even if he didn’t know it when he told her, which goes to show how much of an ass her dad is.

I need to set this all up to say after all this is revealed Kuroyuki decides that if he can’t be with her, he’ll at least make a better world for her, first by killing her ass of a dad (which, like, same.)  Coincidentally Enju, determined to find out who ordered Kuroyuki to kill the ruler to save Kuroyuki, decides to confront her dad on the matter as well.  So they both meet again while facing off her dad.  Enju wants to live and die with Kuroyuki, and in her reckless rush to protect Kuroyuki her dad stabs her.  Kuroyuki kills her dad (good) then carries Enju to a clear field.  He gives Enju the only thing he can give her at that point - a happy dream that everything turned out alright, and that he and all her friends are together and happy.  Enju dies peacefully in his arms.  He promises to join her soon.

Review

I feel like I’m going to say this every time we meet a yandere, but while I like seeing yanderes as obstacles, I don’t believe in good endings with yanderes, at least romantically.  Like if a boy can only see happiness by keeping one girl by his side with rope and a red eye that freezes your shadow so you can’t move, maybe he should, at the very least, try to connect with people other than her?  Like, maaaaaaybe take a break from each other, clear your mind?  No?  Enju wants to be with you forever now too?  Tch.  

That being said, I’m glad this was the bad end for this route, and not a yandere ending where Kuroyuki kills Enju or Enju gets trapped in an illusion so that she couldn’t escape or something.  Much as I like “WTF” bad endings this bad ending struck a chord in how...sad it is.  Hands down, this one made me cry for Enju and Kuroyuki.  Much as Kuroyuki’s got issues, he gave Enju a way to pass peacefully.  It hurt me when she closed her eyes, and it hurt me when Kuroyuki cried.

Gekkamaru - The Overprotective Childhood Friend to End All Overprotective Childhood Friends

Gekkamaru is Enju’s childhood friends and bodyguard, and is overprotective to a...concerning degree.  No matter which route you’re in he’ll come to Enju’s aid, ranging from “well that’s sweet” to “oh gawd Gekka pls calm tf down.”  So you can imagine how he acts in his own route.  Despite the over-protectiveness (though I suppose when you become a wanted criminal over-protectiveness is a welcome trait) Gakkamaru is probably the Best Boy of the whole game.  He’s earnest and a real sweetheart.  Its too bad that this route is about as tragic as Chojiro’s, except the tragedy happens gradually, over and over again, not to mention his bad end...

How to Get The Bad End 

So that whole servant-and-master thing?  Yeah it’s fine.  Gekkamaru wants to act as a servant towards Enju?  Eh, don’t worry about it.  Pick options that don’t rock the boat on their relationship.  Don’t pay attention to Gekkamaru’s growing feelings, it’s fine.  It’s fine!  Not like he’ll die or anything.  

What Happens

So he dies.  Turns out Gekkamaru’s been hypnotized not once, but twice!  Enju’s mother hypnotized him into protecting Enju at all costs, and his mother hypnotized him into want to kill Enju, due to her father killing his parents before she was born.  Enju was tricked into releasing Gekka from her mother’s spell, leaving him with the curse forcing him to attempt to Enju.  Before he could do the deed, Enju tell him she loves him.  Rather than her love breaking the curse, Gekka’s role as her servant and bodyguard wins over, and he stabs himself fatally.  Enju follows after him.

Review

This ending isn’t far off from what actually happens in the good ending, but it mattered how Gekkamaru broke the curse.  What killed him was his duty trumping both the curse AND his love.  It’s what Enju feared - that his devotion was only due to the spell, and that it would kill him.  It’s poetic, but given the roller coaster of tragedy that’s happened throughout the route it feels like just another addition to it.

Conclusion

If I were to rank these bad endings from least interesting to most interesting, I’d say Hanzo - Gekkamaru - Chojiro - Kuroyuki - Goemon.  Obviously if you’re looking at good ending ranking or best boy the ranking would be different, but that’s not what we’re here for!  This is BadEndVille babey!  Chojiro, Kuroyuki and Goemon are a bit of a toss-up, since all three of those bad endings match the character and evoke a unique sort of pain.  Hanzo and Gekkamaru’s endings are also sad, but I don’t think they’re as strong a finish as the others.  Chojiro, Kuroyuki and Goemon’s bad endings feel like a real conclusion to a tragedy, while Hanzo and Gekkamaru’s bad endings feel like a “whoopsie you killed yer boy from the top!”

Still, all the bad endings are fitting for how they occur: Enju and Her Love learned the wrong lessons.  Enju constantly has to face being hunted down by shinobi stronger than her, being abandoned by the village who treasured her and the father who never acknowledged her, and sometimes she has to face her own childhood friends.  But on the way she’s often with someone who loves her, who’s willing to carry her through.  What she needs isn’t just strength and willpower, its the desire to live.  Live even when it feels like it’d be easier for everyone if you were gone, because your life is not for others to use up and wilt.  

And in the bad end, Enju fails to learn that lesson.  She dies because she can’t see happiness in living, not without the person who loved her by her side, and doesn’t realize that there is a way out, that they can both be saved.  With Kuroyuki, they both agreed that they will live together and they will die together, and in every bad end Enju decided that dying together was the better option.

It’s the same for the boys: Goemon fails to keep his beliefs after Enju dies, Hanzo fails to save Enju because he couldn’t change his beliefs as a shinobi, Chojiro fails because he’s so certain that everything he loves with eventually wilt, Kuroyuki fails because he realizes the consequences of what he’s done too little too late, and Gekkamaru fails because he couldn’t truly see himself as anything other than a loyal servant, ready to die even if that dooms the one he serves to misery.  They all became Romeos and Juliets, too short-sighted to see the light beyond the horizon.

All this to say that if you have the time after completing the good endings for all the boys, grab some ice cream or any other sweet treat that suits you and go through these bad endings.  Let those sad feels wash over you for a bit.  Then get to those bonus stories in the extras because I THOUGHT I WAS DONE-

#a road paved with bad endings #nightshade otome #nightshade #otome game

[wanna-b-poet31]

An (I should really retitle this series) 4-part Good Omens Meta Part 5: An Angel in Recovery

~~~Hey, look at me back at it again talking about abuse in Good Omens~~~

So like real talk, I could write a whole damn book on just trauma studies with Aziraphale and Crowley. Like no joke, I’m drafting my dissertation on disability and trauma. Expect at least 2 more parts of this multi-layered Meta because I have all the thoughts.  #sorrynotsorry for how long this one is. 

An Overview of Recovery

One of the things I just can’t get over is the ways in which Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship enable each other down the path of recovery from their respective abuse

I’ve been throwing around the word “recovery” pretty freely in my other installments. So, before dissecting their relationship, we need to know: what exactly DOES a recovery from an abusive environment actually look like? 

Generally speaking (and I mean like really, really generally), trauma recovery has 3 goals: 

establishment of safety, 

remembrance or mourning of abuse, 

the reinstitution of self/ sense of individual normalcy    

It’s important to note that most recovery paths are non-linear and deeply personal. Meaning, no two paths are the same not even if they’ve undergone similar trauma or trauma from the same source/event. Some practitioners will cite as many as 10 steps, while others still say recovery is reached when the survivor shift from a place of unpredictable abuse/trauma to a place of safety   >SOURCE <.  

Aziraphale’s Recovery Needs

Throughout the series, Aziraphale is constantly threatened, subject to unsafe work/family dynamics, and forced to endure emotional abuse.  Heaven’s stakes are unconscionably high, unfairly looming over the angel’s head. He constantly has to deal with the threat of falling, coupled with the constant belittling, and dismissive nature of the other Angels. His environment makes it hard for Aziraphale to recognize that Heaven is abusive. It doesn’t help that his primary coping skill is denial and repression. As long as he can’t recognize the problem, he simply can’t address the underlining issues causing his problems.  

Consequently, he doesn’t acknowledge that Heaven isn’t the perfect, righteous power he thinks it is. Heaven isn’t safe. It’s violent, unforgiving, and more than willing to drop him like a rock. There is no security if something as small as asking questions, or loving Humanity (his job) is grounds for falling or permanent death. Yet, this is the place he idolizes, above even his lover best friend. 

He can’t even consult other Angels to form his own sense of security in Heaven. None of the relationships we see (excepting Crowley) offer him solace, comfort or anything but abuse. If we include his human alliance with Shadwell, there’s another layer of homophobic abuse piling on his emotional abuse and physical intimidation.   

To heal, Aziraphale’s recovery journey has five distinct stages: self-identification of his abuse, securing a safe space, confronting his abusers, cultivating a healthy relationship (with Crowley), and embracing his sense of self.  

Abuse By Any Other Name

Aziraphale needs to come to terms with the trauma inflicted upon him by Heaven. And this isn’t to say he doesn’t notice that Gabriel is cruel to him, or that Sandalphon is about .25 seconds away from smiting everything and that’s dangerous, but he denies that these behaviors are inherent problems.  Their behaviors, particularly toward him, his interests, and his loves are not respected, but he still treats them like unquestionable authorities.  Admitting that there is a problem in the power dynamic, or at the very least the terms and conditions of Heaven are unjust, is the first thing Aziraphale needs to do to begin recovering from his toxic environment and toxic relationships.

Now, we do see Aziraphale push against his system of abuse, he lies to God for one thing, and maintains a relationship/agreement with Crowley for another. But his rebellions still regards Heaven above all other relationships. It is still where he claims his loyalties lay. Until he can admit that Heaven does not have his best interest at heart, he can’t undo their damage. 

I argue that the first step in Aziraphale’s recovery is when he admits that he has a problem with the end of the world. It’s not a full admission of Heaven’s fault, but it is an admission that when he does not feel comfortable with Heaven’s actions he should and CAN intervene. Before, with Noah and Jesus, he watched, even though he objected and was horrified by the actions against innocence. We see this again when he seems visibly upset with “all the smiting” that Sandalphon does at Sodom and Gamorah. Despite his misgivings, he doesn’t intervene (at least not on-screen). Look at the below gif. He’s clearly pained by God’s decision, but he bites his tongue. It’s not that he doesn’t want to question, it’s that he can not question. He must soldier on. 

We can see that when Gabriel brings up the possibility of “something big is coming”, he is visibly perturbed. Then, once Crowley tells him about the coming of the Anti-Christ. He recognizes that his love for humanity and his life on Earth is a tipping point that he’s unwilling to give up.  But, he still does it by operating within the framework of Heaven. 

The next crack happens when Aziraphale realizes Heaven is unsupportive of his efforts to save Heaven. His face visibly falls when Michael says they’ll forgive him for is an inevitable failure. He’s also upset by Gabriel who does give him encouragement, but in a tone that is clear, he thinks Aziraphale’s efforts are fruitless.  Heaven makes it clear that war is more important than love for God’s creatures.

Then Aziraphale goes to Heaven, wielding information about the Anti-Christ. He knows where Adam is, he knows the beast is released, and he knows that Armageddon is days, if not hours, away.  Yet, he falters. He’s all anxiety and nerves when he’s forced to talk to his so-called “side”, in a way he’s never like with Crowley. But this scene’s pièce de résistance is his choice to lie about the location of Adam. After first mentioning Crowley and all his wiles, he suddenly becomes uneasy. Gabriel asks “where” and Aziraphale recognizes that no one in the room cares about protecting humanity. Now, instead of the end of the world being his biggest problem, Angels (not yet Heaven) are.  This is further supported by their intimidation of him after the break-up on the bandstand. 

While this scene is certainly progress towards naming his problem, he’s not all the way there yet. He meets with Crowley, and Crowley scares him because he’s not ready to admit Heaven is intrinsically abusive the same way Crowley is. He still believes that Heaven, and the angels, are on his side, that they’re doing right. He’s mortified about the very realy possibility that if he chooses Crowley, he’ll lose his divinity. His later scene summoning Metatron shows that he believes so badly that if he can only get ahold of God, everything will be sorted. But, it isn’t.  

It is only when he recognizes “hello god, it’s me Aziraphale” won’t get him shit, that HEAVEN is his problem. Not Crowley, not angels, not Hell, but Heaven is his abusive parent and he needs to pick which side he wants to be on.  

So he chooses Crowley. 

Sanctum Sanctorum

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times. Heaven is an empty, cold, and unloving place. There is no joy in its walls. There is no love for the Angels who dare enter. It’s a place where the Archangel Fucking Gabriel is willing to burn his “traitor” in a fire without a trial. In short, it’s unsafe. Aziraphale is, at the very least, unsafe their. Unsafe from judgmental eyes, unsafe from intimidation, and physically separated from the rest of the angels during every meeting. 

Soho, in contrast, is very different. It’s very clear that Aziraphale’s shop is warm and alive with love. It’s where Aziraphale eats, prays, loves, and lives. He knows, even before he can name his problem, that Heaven isn’t home. So he creates one, a little oasis where he can invite Crowley for drinks, he can maintain his ever-growing book collection, and center himself. 

He is safe here, on Earth, because it’s of his own choice. Agency (or the ability to make choices) is crucial for coping with trauma. It empowers survivors to maintain their recovery and help give them back control over their lives. In Heaven, Aziraphale has no agency. There is no food for him to taste, no lover best friend to go on dinner dates with, no books to quench his thirst for knowledge.  In his bookshop though? He has all the freedom to be as hard or soft as he pleases, read whatever he pleases, eat or drink whatever he pleases, and love whomever he pleases, without fear of discipline.

It’s VERY important to note that 1 solitary character respects his sanctuary -- Crowley. Gabriel and Sandalphon barge in unannounced frequently, belittle his work and expect him to drop everything at a moment’s notice. Shadwell breaks and enters, calls him homophobic slurs and “kills” him. Sure Crowley miracles the locks open unannounced, but it’s only when the shop’s on fire and damn it Crowley has an Angel to save.  

Every other character, except Crowley, belittles Aziraphale’s love of books and food, and warmth. Where other characters barge into his home uninvited, Crowley always asks express permission (minus when he’s being an action hero) to enter Aziraphale’s inter-most place of safety. Unlike everyone else, Crowley respects and loves Aziraphale enough to help him maintain a place of safety from the abuses of Trust they both find in Heaven. 

The One Where Gabriel’s a Dick And Aziraphale Says FUCK YOU to Hell

Aziraphale realizes that the line between Heaven and Hell’s abuse is a fucking thin one. They team up to actively destroy the two things he loves and has been gaslighting, attacking, or traumatizing him to do it. As a way to start coping with the tremendous loss and trauma inherent in Armageddon't he comes to terms with his abusers. 

There are three distinct moments where he does this. First is to Shadwell. The idiot of a man is constantly berating him, a presumed ally, with homophobic slurs. While ultimately a small moment, it’s one that Aziraphale desperately needs to confront if he has any hope of confronting his other abusers. When Aziraphale faces Shadwell, he does it with so much style. Not just does he reclaim the homophobic slur, but he also puts Shadwell in his place for using it in the first place. Honestly, Michael Sheen and Miranda Richardson deserve Awards for their performance here. 

The second biggie is when he stands up to (the bastard archangel) Gabriel.  Although I don’t doubt Aziraphale could cut someone with his flaming sword, his most powerful weapon is his words. He defends Adam’s choice to not destroy the world and confronts Gabriel’s use of the “great plan” vs. the ineffable one. Aziraphale knows that poking at Heaven’s excuse for destroying humanity won’t hold up. There is no rationale for waging war except “to see whose gang’s the best”. Speaking up like that, against a director of war, is ballsy, but Aziraphale does not care. He needs to confront the horrendous way Gabriel/Heaven has treated him, humanity, and Crowley. 

And who supports him through this cathartic moment? Crowley. With a single glance, Crowley interjects and comes through, supporting Aziraphale’s (actually really clever) plan to protect Adam and the world. Crowley realizes Heaven and Hell don’t actually know what they’re doing, and that Aziraphale has them dead to right. Stepping closer to Aziraphale, protectively behind Adam, he pushes until Heaven and Hell are forced to admit defeat. 

It’s a beautiful confrontation. A perfect Fuckkkkk you to 2 abusive entities. 

The third distinct moment is the switch. While Hell specifically hasn’t actually targetted Aziraphale, they have done something worse. Attacked his support system. So, Aziraphale returns in kind, confronting his partner’s abusers head on. And look at the absolute GLEE he takes in showing off how indestructible to Holy Water his partner is. He’s making a performance of daring all of Hell to come after them, terrorizing them like they terrorized Crowley and him.

It’s also him coming to terms with the fact that yes, it’s him and Crowley against the (divine) World. The switch is so significant for so many reasons, but the primary one is that it allows Aziraphale the ability to face his biggest fear -- Hell -- and not flinch. The Threat of falling (like from Uriel/Michael/Sandalphon) and going to Hell terrifies our loveable bastard angel. He knew that he was disposable to Heaven, but he’s indisposable to Crowley. This confrontation allows him to come to terms with the unhealthy power dynamic of Heaven and begin the rest of his life with Crowley as equals. He’s not fully recovered (recovery is a process, not a finish line) but he’s faced all of his abusers.   

Our Own side

His relationship with Crowley is the only damn thing that Aziraphale can always rely on. Heaven’s love is conditional. Humans live short lives compared to Azi’s immortality. And Hell wants him dead simply because he’s an Angel.

But Crowley? Dammit. Crowley will run into a burning building to save him. He’ll run into a church to save him, and then save his books because Crowley knows Aziraphale would forget. He’ll race to France DURING A REVOLUTION, to a PRISON to rescue Aziraphale. He’s Aziraphale’s constant companion, and really the only support he can always trust. 

Crowley is the one to pull Aziraphale out of his abusive environment, enable him to act in the face of injustice, and support him as he faces down his abusers.  He also respects the angel’s boundaries consistently, and while he’s been accused of going too fast, he’s patient, never pressuring Aziraphale to do something he’s truly uncomfortable doing. Normally, it’s already something Aziraphale wants to do, but can’t rationalize a reason to do it that would allow him to disobey Heaven. All the way up until shit hits the fan does Crowley refrain from making Aziraphale uncomfortable, and even at the breakup scene, Crowley forces it because he knows Aziraphale has to make a choice. Him or Heaven. 

But, it’s Aziraphale choice and Crowley REFUSES to make it for him.  

Heaven never consults Aziraphale on policy decisions, never initiates open communicates with Aziraphale, and certainly never treats Aziraphale as an equal. Crowley does. Crowley could easily have forced Aziraphale into his car and flew to Alpha Centurai. He could have forced Aziraphale to go with him in the bandstand. He could have forced Aziraphale to do any number of things without his consent, but he chooses not to. He chooses to be the honest entity Aziraphale needs in his life. He chooses Aziraphale, just as Aziraphale chooses him.

Even when they’re arguing, they share strong conflict resolution skills. Either they choose to talk it out unit they reach an understanding or, Crowley gets some fresh air, before consulting Aziraphale again. There is one moment when Crowley calls him stupid with any real bite to it, and it’s because Aziraphale, who is so close to admitting he has a problem, and that problem is Heaven, can’t make the last leap. Crowley, for the only time in the series, really insults Aziraphale because he needs one last ditch effort to take off the blinders, preventing Aziraphale from recognizing his trauma.  

And after that? When Crowley is heartbroken and rejected for the second time? He still goes looking for Aziraphale. Unwilling to let anything damage the integrity of their relationship.  

Crowley’s acts of kindness and love allow Aziraphale to finally recognize his past was unhealthy. But more than that, Crowley fulfills all the criteria needed for a healthy relationship according to The National Domestic Abuse Hotline. 

And A Nightingale Sang in Berkley Square

So What does this all mean? Where are we left at the end of the series? In a pretty good place actually.  I said the final step was establishing a sense of self. Where was he before the abuse started? Or, if that’s impossible to know (given our data) What does he want his new normal to be? 

A life with Crowley.

It’s clear that when Crowley invites him to stay at his place (if Aziraphale likes) the night of Armageddon’t, Aziraphale does because they both deserve. There’s a slight smile when Crowley offers, and like in 1941, the romantic music swells. Only half-heartedly does Aziraphale say his side wouldn’t like it, but both of them know they’re on each other’s side. Not Heaven. Not Hell. Just them.  

Quite simply, he’s already told us what he wants moving forward. He wants to be with Crowley, perhaps one day the could go for a picnic, or dine at the Ritz, but always together.  So, he does. 

Recovery is not a destination, it’s a process. Thanks to Aziraphale’s healthy support system that is Crowley, he is able to start his recovery journey and end the series in a much healthier place than it started.  Aziraphale is not “cured” by the end of the novel, but he is coping, and he is recovering. So long as Crowley’s by his side, he’s well on his way to healthy coping mechanisms, and living in a safe, loving environment with a partner who loves and respects him. 

TLDR:  Aziraphale is recovering from 6000 years of abuse and trauma. Crowley loves, supports, and helps heal him on his journey. 

For More on this Series:

In Part 1 I wrote about how Heaven is hella abusive towards Aziraphale, but Crowley’s love facilitates his recovery

In Part 2 I wrote about how traumatized Crowley is, but thanks to Aziraphale’s love which facilitates Crowley’s recovery

Part 3 is the one where Aziraphale Has some Dubious Coping Skills

Part 4 looks at Anthony J. Crowley’s Poor Coping Skills+ the One Surprisingly Healthy One

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk

#good omens #ineffable husbands #the ineffable plan #gabriel good omens #crowley and aziraphale #aziraphale's bookshop #aziraphale #crowley/aziraphale #aziraphale/crowley #these two are in love #tw: mentions of abuse #in this essay i will #might as well write my dissertation on this #adam young #good omens meta #good omens spoilers #healthy coping mechanisms #ineffable plan #send help #gabriel #aziraphel #crowely #anthony janthony crowley #aziracrow #is that a thing? #thanks for coming to my ted talk #please send feedback if you like this series

[full-course-identity]

Overview

Queere Theory: a deeper look at Jeremy Heere, by Sebastian Sabra Thomas

Anxious teenager. Main character. Chronic masturbator. All of these may be used to describe Jeremy Heere at quick glance, in and out of both canon and fanon alike. However, I believe no flippant descriptors can adequately describe his hidden potential lying just underneath the surface.

This is part 1 of a multi-part meta essay wherein I make my case for Jeremy Heere’s character. Links are added to text in [brackets]. Per Tumblr’s broken spam filtration however, I will be removed links and content warnings from any versions of these posts in the tag, and censoring any words I think might be flagged (unfortunately). For the complete version of part 1, please see /post/183607694271/overview on my blog, or /works/18187976/chapters/43020944 on AO3.

While this part is intentionally PG-13, content warnings for later parts of this essay include: NSFW. Frank discussions of mental illness, including psychosis, which could potentially be categorized as fetishistic (that does not mean I believe it is, mind you, but I’m covering my bases here). Graphic descriptions of trauma, including CSA and sexual assault. Internalized queerphobia. Trans sexuality. Kinks and kink culture. Underage sexuality. Polyamory.

This is my first meta, as well as my first essay since… shit, high school. Feedback is greatly appreciated.

For closing on a year now, I’ve been consuming from, and occasionally participating in, the Be More Chill fandom. Still rocky on its feet after the initial Boom of Summer 2017, but steadily gaining traction with the Off (and now On) Broadway performances, BMC is coming to terms with it’s own fanon identity as common characterizations grow more locked in by the day.

As the months go by and I fall deeper in love with this series, I’ve been slowly tracking down abandoned or underappreciated content in my usual stomping grounds (excessive angst and unpopular pairings), solidifying my own thoughts and opinions as a creator first and a fan second. In some ways, I’ve come to similar conclusions as the rest of the fandom. In others, I stand alone.

As I mentioned at the beginning, I’d like to try and make a case for what I’ve come to think of Jeremy, or Jeremiah, Heere, both for my own benefit and as an attempt to persuade others to my side for various, admittedly selfish (but c’mon, would I be writing this if it wasn’t?) reasons. I would deeply appreciate it if you’d come along on this metatextual journey with me to places far and wide inside Jeremy’s subconscious. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Pure Imagination played over wet slapping noises and the occasional electrotorture flashback!

Anyway.

This essay will be broken down into 7 Parts (links to be added as they’re completed):

[The Overview (that’s this one!)],

[Characterization],

[Mental Health],

[Interpersonal Relationships],

[His Family],

[The Squip], and

[Final Thoughts and Recommendations]

To start with, Characterization will be loosely split two ways: personality, and appearance. This will overlap with the other parts of course, but you should have a solid understanding of the foundation from which I carve details like ‘neurodivergency’ and ‘familial bonds’ from by the end of it. Jeremy Heere may look like an Enigma along a Fault line, but really, he’s a vulnerable kid who’s gone through some intense trauma--whether in canon, fanon, or my own funky concoction of both.

He’s also insanely pretty. Don’t worry, I’ll be reminding you of that a lot.

Mental Health covers MI Disorders like PTSD (which, yes, I do believe Jeremy has), and Neurodivergent behaviors like his autistic symptoms (I don’t generally consider him autistic, but it’s not a hard sell, and I’ll try to go over it either directly in the post or through a follow-up some other time). It’ll also be going over his traumas, both in canon and my headcanon. Heads up: I am mentally ill and neurodivergent, including professionally diagnosed PTSD, among other fun things. I have strong symptoms and trauma which, yeah, I sometimes see in Jeremy. I will be going over how these personal experiences color my perception.

Interpersonal relationships will discuss his friends and romantic prospects--as well as his sexuality as a whole. From his identity as queer(e) and bisexual, to his thoughts on being Achellian, to his kinks and latent polyamory and desired hook up habits. Also, all of his identities here reflect ones similar to mine, but with a few important distinctions.

(Speaking of Queerness, across all of these posts, as I feel it’s necessary, I’ll be making a point to talk about the differences between cis boy Jeremy, trans boy Jeremy, and brief thoughts on how I could see a trans femme narrative as well.)

I’ll be using the Family part as a follow up for, and a further exploration of, the specific trauma he’s sustained from his Mother and her abandonment, and how his dad (bless his heart) is 100% canonically neglectful. I truly believe Jeremy has all the hallmarks of an abused kid.

… The Squip will be an interesting topic. If you’re opposed to Squipemy, feel free to skip it, although I will try to segregate the shipping half from the platonic half.

Finally, for the Wrap Up post, I will be writing down my final conclusions and then going over fan content that inspires me and tweaks my perception in ways large and small. For example, I’m always consuming animatics in some form; one great artist is the famous [Cla Comics], who provides a good base for mannerisms and overt humor, though, by nature, her content is on the lighter end of the spectrum then what I’m usually wallowing in. Other artists, like [PINE TRE3] and [Torpedomyass], have both provided some nice angst, and fit right in line with my general taste in aesthetics. It’s not just those three either of course, and I’ll also be doing the same for fanfic, too.

(… in fact, and I consistently sing this to the Heavens whenever I have the chance, but uh, do yourself a favor and read anything written by [Vanceypants]. Vancey is not only my best friend, they’re my longest running collaborator, my biggest fan, and my other muse. They also far surpass my writing, and Smoke Signals, a Rich Goranski origin story, is a fucking masterpiece.)

Okay, gushing about content aside, I do truly appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my rambling, and I hope to keep you both interested and engaged from start to finish. All I truly want is for the world to understand just how lovely Jeremiah “Furry Enthusiast and Slowly Burning Anxiety Attack” Queere really is.

Thank you!

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