#not like i fucking want to

[spiltcandycoatedpunkblood]

my mental illnesses were especially mental illnessing last night and as usual I was crying and sobbing my eyes out

I continue to torture myself and mindlessly scroll and for what exactly? Am I so mad that I can't enjoy the things I love without having pangs of anxiety or constant executive dysfunction so I deliberately do it to get used to it and torment myself in the fucking process? King of retraumatising myself in all honesty. Why am I so scared to change? Why should it be like this? Why do I keep seeing all this injustice in this world? Why do I continue to torture myself over this??? I'm stuck in this fantasy world because reality sucks and me and my family have lost so many goddamn friends. Why can't have fucking peace inside my own head? However much or little I think about all these things, it tortures me to no end. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same because I keep doing the same thing and expecting something different, some kind of fucking miracle. I can't enjoy things in the moment because of how anxious I am and then what do I remember?? Fuck all. I'm fucking scared and angry and depressed and lonely and stuck in this cycle and I don't know how to get out or explain in a way that might be comprehensible to others. I'm stuck in this fucking society with this fucking brain and torturous hypersensitivity, and what have I got to show for it??? And I have a late friend who died as a child over 16 years ago now and I can't fucking let go of that either!! And a classmate who died 5 years ago this August!! How does anyone move forward or let go or get over anything?? I don't think I've got over anything in my entire fucking life, and I have to do it in a garbage batshit world like this!!!

#vent #rant #mental illness #trauma #as usual i will probably relapse into doing this exact same thing #because i never fucking learn that #personal #i've been the same emotional wreck for god knows how long #history just loves to fucking repeat itself huh #same old same old shit #just a different fucking day #as usual #i'm so fucking sick of it all and yet i continue to do this shit #i don't fucking know how #not like i fucking want to #but i still choose to do this #and that's right on fucking me at almost 30 years old #sounds like nothing but mental illness is a fucking bastard piece of shit

[cadaverkeys]

You guys rlly don't realise how much knowledge is still not committed to the internet. I find books all the time with stuff that is impossible to find through a search engine- most people do not put their magnum opus research online for free and the more niche a skill is the less likely you are to have people who will leak those books online. (Nevermind all the books written prior to the internet that have knowledge that is not considered "relevant" enough to digitise).

Whenever people say that we r growing up with all the world's knowledge at our fingertips...it's not necessarily true. Is the amount of knowledge online potentially infinite? Yes. Is it all knowledge? No. You will be surprised at the niche things you can discover at a local archive or library.

#rambles #if you are a person who is into delicate skills #like lacemaking or printing or sewing #you will know fair well just how non expansive the knowledge online is in comparison to written guides from like the 50s #there was a time where at least one person in the household had to know a constructive skill #but in the modern day there is just less ans less demands for comprehensive guides #library propaganda #im stuck doing an essay rn but bc i have covid i cant go to the library and its totally fucked me #i want to source a lot of the stuff i read irl but i just cant go and get it and theres no online ver

[cemeterything]

"objectively physically attractive but in possession of negative rizz" is one of my favorite character concepts. i think it's so great when there's an absurdly hot person who's just a complete fucking loser. the mood is unsalvageable the moment they open their mouth kind of deal. you get no bitches because you're so sucks.

#🐉 #this is abt terror amc fitzy btw. nobody wants to fuck you you are annooooooying! #like i simply would not hit that you could NOT persuade me to endure it

[eosofspades]

i didn't have "i'm broken" teenage asexual angst i had "i'm literally being the only reasonable one about this concept and the rest of you are behaving like fucking freaks" perception issues

#oh the experience of being 13 years old and seeing all my friends talking about wanting to have sex and obsessing over it #and being like 'we are all literally WAY too young to be having sex what the actual fuck are you talking about #why are you even considering it when we have much more important things to worry about. like how much middle school sucks' #you know what though. i still stand by this. that was an entirely reasonable thought to have and i WAS being normal about it #anyway #mine #asexuality

[ardri-na-bpiteog]

Also increasingly aware that a LOT of people "manage" getting through the 40+ hour work week by sleeping less than is healthy and relying on stimulants like coffee and energy drinks to keep them going.

For people who are unwilling or unable to do this...work really does just dominate your life. Like we really should not have to rely on unhealthy practices just to have a social life or keep on top of housework or whatever.

I know I post about this a lot but I'm so TIRED all the time and it's just so depressing that this is how we're expected to spend the one life we have.

#i have to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night to even barely function #with sleep #getting ready for work #commute #cooking #and errands #I typically have maybe 2-3 hours to actually do what i want in a day #and I'm usually too tired to actually do the things i want to do #and that's with a very short commute #if i actually had a long commute I'd basically do nothing but work #i see my friends like once every few weeks or months #because we're all so fucking busy with work and have such little time for socialising #and none of us even have kids or anything!!

[lastoneout]

People don't like to admit it bcs cringe or w/e but Homestuck really did revolutionize the webcomic as a storytelling medium and I am endlessly frustrated that before webcomic artists could really stretch our legs fucking webtoonz swooped in, set a new, more restrictive standard, and then monetized and monopolized the ever living fuck out of the concept of The Webcomic until it drove away anyone who couldn't be a professional quality manga artist for free, and now the only webcomics that actually feel like spiritual successors to Homestuck are so obscure they're basically cult classics that you have to beg people to read.

Like it's just so wild to be in high school and see Homestuck be like "we're using like fifteen different artistic mediums to tell this story bcs we can" and be really fucking inspired by that, only to grow up and see basically every webcomic ever have to conform to One Single Standard or fucking perish.

#I decided I wanted to be a comic artist bcs homestuck inspired me #in the sense that it was like “fuck it tell your story however you want to” #and now it's like “tell your story this one specific way or fucking die” #wtf

[the-dragon-girl-27]

It is the middle of a Sunday afternoon. You have nothing on, and aren't expecting visitors, deliveries or post.

Unexpectedly, there is a knock at the door.

you are greeted by...... her

#fairy vs walrus #walrus vs fairy #walrus #why is this so well textured its fucking shitpost art #like why cant i pull this off in my normal art it had to be the walrus fairy #meme art #things that would give people outside of tumblr a heart attack #maybe #has the fairy vs walrus debate breached containment yet #also that generic girl i drew ended up looking a lot like how i look irl (yes i look like an npc) #also that door is unreasonably large but i needed you to be able to see the walrus in all her glory #i wanted it to be bigger so you could see her wings #fairy walrus #dragon draws creatures

[variksel]

i hate you ai art i hate you "unalive" i hate you youtube premium i hate you twitter 8$ checkmark i hate you nfts i hate you therapy app advertisements i hate you non-chronological timelines i hate you instagram reels i hate you subtle tiktok filters that cant be turned off i hate you family bloggers i hate you ads on true crime episodes i hate you facebook i hate you vr glasses on chickens i hate you dystopian social media

#sorry but genuinely sometimes i feel like we live in a fucking dystopia #i get ads of chat bots designed to look like cute girls who will listen to your problems and it. god #its so unbelievably strange in some indescribable way #how am i supposed to explain that the word unalive makes me want to tear my hair out #vent #rant #idk

[andi-o-geyser]

a full SAGA of chaos choices at the diner in the centre of your mind

#so in summary: #coffee grounds; room temp vodka; the feeling of first having root beer; coffee and bacon; maple syrup; grenadine; and a calzone #they are all so insane and i love them for it #and also its such a perfect representation of a brain #bc like! yeah! that IS what my thoughts are bouncing between when i'm asked what i want for a meal! i am that fucking bonkers sometimes!! #dimension 20 #dimension 20 mentopolis #mentopolis #mentopolis spoilers #d20 #dnd #brennan lee mulligan #hunch curio #anastasia tension #conrad schintz #the fix #imedla pulse #dan fucks #alex song xia #hank green #danielle radford #freddy wong #siobhan thompson #mike trapp #d20 cast #long post #andis thought geyser

[artkaninchenbau]

A h-heartfelt reunion..?

Bonus

#Sir Crocodile #Monkey D Dragon #Emporio Ivankov #Dragodile #Crocodad #My art #One Piece #We're not gonna talk about the work I should be doing rn I have Severe Procrastinitis and I'm doing my best okay #Alternative version where it was both Crocodile and Garp beating Dragon's ass before Iva-chan joined in but that was too much effort lmao #I'm a believer in Dragon being a Wind Logia so don't worry guys he is 100% taking this beating intentionally #He knows what he did and he's dealing with the concequences of his actions. With grace. #You know I realize Iva-chan should be two whole meters taller than Crocodile but we're just gonna ignore that #Look Iva-chan taking Crocodile's side and being like ''Crocoboy is right you fucked up bad Dragon'' brings me joy #And for real I've been wanting to draw this for months. But never did because I had other shit to do. Which I still do #But. You know. Sometimes you need to draw a shitpost. It's ✨ self-care ✨ #And appearently One Piece shitpost comics have become the thing I draw for myself on occassion

[indigo6f00ff]

need to share an experience i had 30 minutes ago

(edit: thanks to @walks-the-ages for providing and reminding me to put alt text, sorry it slips my mind alot lol)

#my hands are still shaking to be quite honest i could not put a lot of effort into this. #but like. brain. why did you do that #literally i have been like hopelessly obsessed with de nonstop thinking abt it for the past couple of days it is Scaring me #it is terminal its soooo fucking chronic #disco elysium #kim kitsuragi #for anyone who wants to know i bumped into some guys car that was stopped for a school bus. i think my brain errored and thought #my foot was fully pressing down on the brake pedal but it wasnt. #i am like 99.99 percent sure neither of us had any major damage to our cars but we still filed a police report just in case #because insurance do be a bitch. dudes back bumper was scratched lightly and my front license plate has a dent now #also literally my first ever car accident that ive had ever yippee yay

[egophiliac]

bring back zooterkins, the best 17th-century swear word

I don't normally do Just Characters Swearing, but. ...this kind of wrote itself and then wouldn't leave my head. it comes from both a piece of character-writing advice that has always stuck with me, and also my conviction that Leona is 1000% funnier as a character if his dialogue has to stay G-rated. let Kalim say fuck, but don't let Leona say bastard.

(I'm sorry)

#art #twisted wonderland #(sort of atemporally somewhere between episodes 6 and 7?) #(i - i wanted that lilia joke okay) #long post #tumblr went 'you can post up to 30 images now :)' and i was like well okay then #anyway once again i'm sorry #i'd say i don't know why i did this but actually it is because i wanted kalim to scandalize everyone #i tried to keep it...you know...tasteful. a tasteful amount of fucks. #hey remember how the framing premise for the original birthday interviews was that yuu worked for the school paper #because i have never forgotten. in my head they are still getting up to all kinds of wacky reporting hijinks.

[kimjunnoodle]

Pov: all of your colleagues want you dead (sound)

#flashing tw #bg3 #baldur’s gate 3 #bg3 gortash #lord enver gortash #bg3 memes #lord gortash #enver gortash #i’m fucking crying #me and imovie are going places (hell) #noodle art #i’m his number one fan which means i want him executed but like painlessly #he’s just some guy (derogatory)

[redead-red]

watching a movie at home circa like, 2001 was like

put your TV on channel 2 so the VCR will work

open up the clamp shell case that held the VHS that has that satisfying crrlikkkkkk

put in the movie

gdi it has to be rewound

press STOP and then rewind because its so much faster that way

start the movie and it takes a few seconds for the movie to actually start cause you rewound to the VERY beginning

FBI will get you if you illegally distribute or exhibit this movie

and then. because you forgot that movies are always so much louder than TV

COMING SOON TO OWN ON VIDEO AND DVD

QUICK LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME LOWER THE VOLUME OH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay crisis averted.

although. these ads are kind of quiet. a little hard to hear.....

better turn up the volume...

THX

#and then your parents were like 'WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON' #and youre like klsdfjsdoisd NOOOOOOO I DIDNT MEAN #NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO #I JUST WANTED TO WATCH THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE

[inkskinned]

you're in the habit of denying yourself things.

if someone asked you directly, you would say that you love a little treat. you like iced coffee and getting the cookie. you drink juice out of a fancy cup sometimes, and often do use your candles until they gutter out helplessly.

but you hesitate about buying the 20 dollar hand mixer because, like. you could just use your arms. you weren't raised rich. you don't get to just spend the 20 dollars (remember when that could cover lunch?), at least - you don't spend that without agonizing over it first, trying to figure out the cost-benefits like you are defending yourself in front of a jury. yes, this rice cooker could seriously help you. but you do know how to make stovetop rice and it really isn't that hard. how many pies or brownies would you actually make, in order to make that hand mixer worthwhile?

what's wild is that if the money was for a friend, it would already be spent. you'd fork over 40 without blinking an eye, just to make them happy. the difference is that it's for you, so you need to justify it.

and it sneaks in. you ration yourself without meaning to - you don't finish the pint of ice cream, even though you want to. the next time you go to the store, you say ah, i really shouldn't, and then you walk away. you save little bits of your precious things - just in case. sometimes you even go so far as putting that one thing in your shopping cart. and then just leaving it there, because maybe-one-day, but not right now, there's other stuff going on.

you do self-care, of course. but you don't do it more than like, 3 days in a row. after that it just feels a little bit over-the-edge. like. you can't live in decadence, the economy is so bad right now, kid.

so you don't buy the rice cooker. you can-and-will spend the time over the stove. you can withstand the little sorrows. denial and discipline are practically synonyms. and you're not spoiled.

it's just - it's not always a rice cooker. sometimes it is a person or a job or a hug. sometimes it is asking for help. sometimes it is the summer and your college degree. sometimes it is looking down at scabbed knees and feeling a strange kind of falling, like you can't even recognize the girl you used to be. sometimes it is your handprint looking unsteady.

sometimes it is tuesday, and you didn't get fired, and you want to celebrate. but what is it you like, even? you search around your little heart and come up empty. you're so used to denying that all your desires draw a blank.

oh fuck. see, this is the perfect opportunity. if you had a mixer, you'd make a cake.

#warm up #this isn't good #writeblr #this is complicated by the fact i can't stand up too long or i fuckken pass out and <3 hit my damn head <3 #but i did take a deep breath and buy myself the stupid rice cooker #and!!! a very cheap sushi kit!!! i have been wanting to try making sushi for literally YEARS #the kit was only like 15 dollars!!!! and i haven't purchased it bc?!!??!?!?!?!!? #..... i didn't get the mixer tho that felt. like a lot. like too much. #on my list is a kitchenaid. one day when i get a check and i have paid off my student debt #and medical debt #i will put that first little bit of cash #into a kitchenaid 5qt stand mixer (with attachments) #i really do just go into their refurbished section and stare lustily at each option #but yeah i feel guilty about the rice cooker even tho i know for a fact this damn thing is gonna be a lifesaver #oh shit also fuck i forgot to mention . poached eggs

[keepinventory]

#👽 < text tag #FINALLY got polls FUCK YES #ive been so so curious about this for so long. and also i wanted more people to know about :+)'s existence. becayse i like it. #had to redo this because the first time the arrows got turned into code -_-