#not enough people talking about this so rb rb rb

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

#yeehaw #1k #5k #10k #posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours? #also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that! #unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference #edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense #also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags #1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now #he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic #2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign #like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock #3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing #it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is #extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once #it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life #i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about #Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect #if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it #aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week

[tomboyyyaoi]

i cant describe it but people just putting meryl and milly in the background of vashwood instead of just putting them front and centre in their own piece genuinely feels like im being cucked like why did u even bother

like damn maybe id like the ship more if people didnt just go "theyr so cute and soft and married aahhh so so gentle and femme and girly theyr so cyute" then the only time they draw them is like. idfk them walking in on vash and wolfwood fucking eachothers brains out like god. all talk.

#i think its the only reason i dont like the pairing like. i like them theyr cute but. idk for me theyr not romantic #and its like. really annoying when people just say they ship them but its just lip service bc they rlly wanna pretend they care #but the truth is is that ive seen maybe 3 people put milly/meryl front and centre in their own dedicated art #and it was good #ppl just dont know what to do w them #not that i do either but hey at least i dont claim to ship them #listen im not tryin 2 dictate or anything #but fr it annoys me sm when people pretend to ship them to either go 'see? i do care about women!!! (lie)' or to get them 'out of the way' #DONT SAY U SHIP THEM IF U DONTTTT FUCK STOP PRETENDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #id rather u just leave them out of it like genuinely its such an insult to their characters like god #even nightow doesnt shove them to the back this much and they werent present for like 30 chapters at one point #BECAUSE HE KNEW IT WOULD BE MORE IMPACTFUL TO BRING THEM BACK IN SOME BIG REVEAL AND GIVE THEM SOMETHING TO DO #bc he respected his characters enough to not have them just bumble about in the background doing fuckall while he figured them out #so they were temporarily removed from the plot and them coming back and being Ready 2 Fucken Go was powerful it was so cool #please just respect these girls ffs stop having them be the Background Cardboard Cutout Dykes #so so so so so so annoying 2 me as a meryl and milly lover #rbs off i dont wanna start discourse #also ive talked abt this before

[knowlesian]

okay, i’m not gonna call out names because i think people deserve chances to grow and i’m not assuming any malicious intent, but i also feel a need to answer something addressed to me today, because empathy’s gotta go hand in hand with accountability.

this is why talking about race (in fandom, or otherwise) is often like slamming your face into a brick wall that keeps insisting it’s on your side.

okay. so i sort of debated how to handle this: i think i’m just gonna quote myself. you may have missed this piece, so hopefully it’ll give context for why i’m not sure exactly what to say, and remain unsure.

i am very sure that until the day i die, i will be doing the hard and frustrating and not super ego-boosting work of diving into the mental dumpster of weird bullshit i was implicitly taught and unpacking it all.

so i know i will breathe my last and i will still have all these racist ideas, rattling around my noggin fucking with how i see the world and how i treat people, even though i don’t know i’m doing the thing. when i talk about people being racist and having implicit bias, i am also talking about me!

because racist is a descriptor, not an insult. and as much as it sucks for me to unpack this shit (don’t let anybody tell you it’s not hard work or that it feels good to do; it’s really hard and it will make you feel very small and gross sometimes) the people i accidentally aim it at deserve me putting in that effort and have it much worse.

so when i’m like, it was racist stede did that? i’m not saying stede is a bad person, and i’m not saying fuck that guy.

i’m saying oh shit this show is SMART, i do that too! it’s me!

so. i don’t know why you posted this and then bounced: i don’t know why you didn’t @ me, if you wanted me to see it and respond.

like... is your issue that i’m talking about race too much? that i’m being mean or unfair when i do it? that i don’t talk enough about how hard it is for white people to think about race, or that i’m not being understanding enough that it sucks to look at people who hurt you and have to consider you might have something in common with them? because i’ve said exactly that, too. you’re right, it’s not fun to do this work, and it is work.

i guess i just don’t understand the purpose, here, or why you’d say all this and not explain what exactly you want from me as a writer to do differently. and if that’s not your goal and i’ve misunderstood, then...  i mean. i guess i remain confused as to what you want me to take away from this, other than “it’s hard to be white, and you have made me feel very uncomfortable about it so i wish you would stop”.

#i still don't know what to say #i do not understand why this post was made #do they want me to change? talk about race less or differently? #never mention whiteness? #because i feel like i have been scolded for not being nice enough or understanding enough about the Plight of The White Ally #so i guess my question is: what was i supposed to say here? #what am i supposed to do with this #but feel like i am somehow not in the crew unless white people feel comfortable #posting this and then immediately unfollowing just feels... defeating and weird #like i'm not gonna block you and i hope you take this and just. don't do this to the next poc in line #but this made me feel p shitty #this is fine to rb btw please do not try to sleuth shit or whatever this is not about that #it's just... you know. play stupid games handle your public stupid prizes #to allow frustration to make me blunt for a sec #also apologies for the caps and no id i just could not make myself sit and transcribe all that #if someone else has the fortitude thank you and i will rb #i just. not today you know? i can't do the second layer and process every word at that level rn

[milkyspine]

—boy

#mine #writers of tumblr #poetry #spilled ink #writing #okay to rb #poem #spilled words #love #wrote this for a boy i met this year #he's so kind-hearted and genuine #think he's one of the best people i've ever met #i was in a writing slump for months and months and then he got me out of it; funnily enough. #i didn't realise at first but I'd talk to him and then want to write; even if it wasn't about him #now he's someone i really care about and want in my life #anyway #how have you been? #hope you're happier than you were when i was last here #but it's okay if not #i'm glad you're still here too

[emdotcom]

I have a wild, new, & bold suggestion for a tumblr feature:

When a tag is recommended or trending. & It previews some posts IN that tag, (showing you thumbnails of art, for instance,) then maybe.

Clicking on that post. Should show you that fucking post.

#em.txt #i use mobile so maybe it's not liek this on desktop #the number of times a trending tab will preview some fire art i cannot find has built this hatred in me #the weird thing is clicking a different preview WILL take you into a different part of the tag/jumble the order #like very consistently you click post A & it shows you posts 1 then 2 then 3 #& then you click post B & it shows you 2 then 1 then 3 & clicking A again still has that 1-2-3 order #but for some reason clicking the posts does NOT show you the post you clicked #it's frustrating because like. #you're using trending as a thing to showcase yes? here's what people are talking about! #here's the current news/interests! & here's some of the big posts in that current happening! #& the majority of those tend to be like art or memes that people madr #so if you're using their shit in your broadcast i would enjoy to be able to FIND THEIR SHIT. #am i being unfair & a bitch? yes. but i was actually going to be way meaner about this #which is not an excuse at all. i know i am being vile. i do not care atm. #because yeah i am the type of person who gets mad when I can't find the artists responsible for fire stuff #if i enjoyed their art i might look at their other stuff & enjoy that too & rb & maybe follow #& then maybe my followers also do the same #but here the art is being used to pad out the trending tab but isn't being appropriately linked to #meaning it makes the trendings look good but the artist is lost while their works are still used #& that already happens enough. #i have been pissed for years at this

[maddy-ferguson]

there's a post going around that says "“We need to strive to be more accepting of POC” you guys can’t even handle religion." and like. that's genuinely offensive to me lmao

#and like i say: brf slt #the word accepting. POC the acronym you couldn't even write all of it. again more accepting? just weird to me #and like...literally what. in their rb they say christianity and catholicism aren't the only religions when like...that's the same religion #so im gonna be crazy and assume theyre 14 or just kinda dumb.bc how are you not gonna make sure to be accurate in your big anti-racism rant #wait their bio actually says i'm an adult i promise. they're just dumb then #and like obviously there's not just christianity. i dislike every one of the big three equally because there's no meaningful difference #there to me...and i don't know enough about other religions but i would probably hate many others too because like...i don't like the #content but i also dislike just the concept of organized religion and also just think it's dumb since i'm not in it at all #and like. obviously you're allowed to believe in what you want and i think it's nice that people are able to have faith like i think that's #a nice concept. and yes religions are a big part of people's cultures (something the post says) but like...when you're not religious #religions are literally just cults that worked out but you're supposed to respect them because like we live in a society and it's sooo...😭 #like i also think believing in the power of rocks is dumb #i know all about criticism of a religion being racism because french people do it all the time with islam because they just hate north #african people/arabs and black people (but i think islamophobia is mostly aimed at north africans). but like. when people talk about #islamophobia being a real problem it's not about people disliking the religion it's about them talking about it 24/7 just because they hate #the people who follow it when like. literally how is christianity better!!!!! when they're like oh it's so regressive but they themselves #are everything they claim islam makes people (idk homophobic misogynistic etc) like it's very transparent. but you're allowed to not like #religions unless you know blasphemy's a thing where you live. and it's actually very easy to be against islamophobia when it's literally #just a manifestation of racism while not being fond of islam or of any religion. because like. common sense. but anyway #i UNDERSTAND where the post is coming from it's like if you think religion is backwards you're gonna think religious people are backwards #and that includes 'poc' or like saying a religion is backwards is something racists do a lot. but like wdym to be anti-racist #you have to not be critical of religion(s) that doesn't make any sense to me. like if religions are against my values. i'm not gonna like #them😭 'religion isn't just what your parents used to be homophobic against you' well there's a lot of people worldwide who are using #religion to do bad things i fear...the post's arguments dont make sense and i dont care about people believing in whatever but also yes im #gonna think it's stupid and wrong if i think the opinions they have because of their religion are wrong when people aren't religious. like #it's not a trump card. i don't even think that's what that person's saying. but like...there's no correlation between 'not being accepting #of POC' and 'not being able to handle religion'?😭 implying there is feels racist to me literally what...and the reverse doesn't work either #and i'm aware trying to stop people from practicing their religion is like bad and a way to get them to assimilate and like racist and all #that.but that's not 'not being able to handle religion' in a tumblr way it's literally just racism again? and idk just weird it annoyed me #and also i know leftists can be anti-religion in a way that's racist and paternalistic again i live in france

[quickhacked]

>> wip day

was tagged a long time ago by @adelaidedrubman, @turbo-virgins and @shellibisshe to share a wip and was tagged by @morvaris and @aartyom to share six sentences from a current wip, thank you so much!! i decided to combine them and rather than sharing a wip, i'll share some information about the broker, a new character i recently introduced into the story of my cyberpunk ocs :) tagging @reaperkiller, @arklay, @steelport, @cultistbase, @faarkas, @swordcoasts, @ladybeniko, @necro-hamster, @strafethesesinners, @henbased, @coffeebucko, @awful-roffle, @bluemojave and anyone else who wants to do this!

A powerful fixer in Night City, operating from the shadows and only known by their alias. Cold and ruthless, focused entirely on wreaking havoc in the existing mercenary world by planting seeds of distrust and paranoia, to pit everyone up against each other. While their interference is still minimal, the long-term consequences can be felt in every corner of the city.

Once a powerful Arasaka asset, the Broker has access to a tight network of assassins- a few highly skilled killers who serve as their security network, all ex-Arasaka as well. Through connections they also have an entire division of Militech in their pocket, and the NCPD tends to turn them a blind eye.

The Broker is a horrible fixer, presenting themself as "one of the good guys" and luring mercs in with eddies and empty promises. With their charismatic nature, they're able to use the backstabbing and corruption in Night City's underworld as a tool to manipulate mercs into thinking no one can be trusted and the entire network has to be destroyed for good, and they themself are the only person in the whole city they can trust; this way, their mercs end up developing a strange dependency on them, meaning they'll do anything they tell them to do without giving it a second thought.

Though once the Broker has lured the mercs in, they stop paying them well and give them little support while they do all their dirty work, uncaring about what happens to them and whether or not they'll make it out alive. The mercs are mere tools to the Broker to achieve their long-term goals, and they even take pride in killing those who dare to disagree with them- turning them into an example for others.

Some time after Vincent has been cured and is no longer actively dying, one of Vitali's cargo trucks is intercepted by a group of his old mercenaries- all people who felt betrayed and abandoned by him after his departure from Night City with Vincent about six months ago, when they left for Arizona in hopes to find a cure. The attack leaves Lauren, Eddie and Mikhail gravely injured and it can be traced back to the Broker; while it is still unclear what their deal with Vitali is, they now seem to be targeting him and his entire fixer network specifically.

#tag games #nuclearwriting #dunno if y'all care about this as much as i do but please know i am sitting here vibrating with excitement LMFAO #the development of this character has been. interesting. so to say #don't want to spoil too much yet but also. i feel like if you look close enough at my blog it's pretty obvious who this is. i think #maybe. maybe not. i can't remember how much i've already talked about this. either way! interesting interesting interesting #but yeah that one fic also mentions the broker but in that one it's dupoint (their right hand man) and ravager (a merc) #who are tormenting the gang <3 but they'll get what they deserve dw i've got it all planned out #no idea how i should. drop this entire story btw. because it's not like. a fic. yet. i might make it a fic but also. that's so much work #and if i really wanna do that i feel like i have to do the arasaka chapter first because i kinda rushed that. maybe just parts of it #but yeah i think this is a good first step >:) feel free to send me asks and stuff btw i love talking about this! #and it gives me an excuse to actually give spoilers LMFAO i don't just wanna drop info randomly but if people ask for it #then i am more than willing to provide <3 #also you may rb if you want!! all my posts can be rbed actually bc i can set them to Do Not Rb if i want ahgfjdhgd

[autistickaitovocaloid]

Okay whatever fucked up if true Arthur school stories time:

My first proper day there (not counting orientation or the times in primary school made me take lessons there. The latter is a story for another time) an ibis got into the girls' toilets.

The classroom that was used for my homeroom in year 8 Very Obviously had something die in the roof above it and it fucking stank for the rest of the year.

There was this one guy in 90% of my classes who picked fights with teachers constantly and also fucking loved bullying me. One time in Design & Tech he fucking. Held up one of the lego robots we were working with right up to my face while it made a really high pitched beeping sound. If you thought he got better the answers no he was one of the many people who was not normal about my cane.

I've already mentioned it before but the vice principle yelling at my whole year because like 7 kids pissed her off. Something about my specific year pissed her off because like. Multiple times from years 8 to 10 she would make us all go into one place to like. Tell us collectively off at best and scream at us at worst.

Like the ibis one this is more funny fucked up and less actual fucked up but after 2 weeks of holidays me and my friends in year 9 found a dead magpie floating in a pool of water covered in maggots. And then one of my friends blasted it with a hose.

There were multiple times throughout my mandatory HPE classes where I nearly passed out because, y'know. Shout out to the teacher I had for year 9 though I think he's the only HPE teacher I've had in high school who was like. A decent fucking human being.

One year 10 art class I had to take my laptop with me whenever I got up because this guy in my project group kept trying to look up actual fucking hentai on my computer.

In year 11 biology we got to dissect owl pellets which was fun however for some fuck off reason the teacher didn't give us gloves. I was the only one in my group who did any actual dissecting because the girls in my group thought it was gross, which is 100% fair but it did suck because our group was lagging behind. I think I still have the mouse bones I found somewhere.

In my earlier years the IT desk was infamous for taking like a million years to help people with their issues so a popular way of wagging (skipping class) was to go with your friend to the IT desk and just (most of the time) end up spending the whole lesson there.

We had a career expo excursion in year 10 at a big showground in the city. I pretty much did an overstimulation any% speedrun and just shut down within minutes of going inside. The teachers there then dealt with this by leaving in one of the """"quieter"""" rooms of the hall that was brightly lit and had no chairs anywhere. For 2 hours. By myself.

Closing this off with a good story one time for like. Harmony day I think the teachers put out chalk for people to write/draw related things with. Within 2 days the campus was covered in amonguses and iirc some stayed until the end of the year.

#art talks about stuff #i might rb with more if i remember them but uhhhhhhhhhhh yeah #it's no shocker but i was picked on a lot in high school #started off with just because i was ''weird (read: fat and autistic)'' but then year 10 onwards it was also for being openly trans #when i started using my cane in year 11 most people had matured enough to not be awful but i still got a lot of like #invasive + faux-sympathetic comments which sucked #anyway fuck that school i'm so glad i dropped out #ask to tag #bugs

[todayisafridaynight]

SO!

Pretty good show honestly. I think it may perhaps come off a little underwhelming compared to last time because they released the full trailers early, so it was chiefly just talking, but I was still pleased.

The only thing I really wanted out of it was one (1) of my predictions coming true and one (1) surprise, and well, between the Watase Family and Nishitani...... THREE!!!!!, that's exactly what I got. Kiryu looking up at the sky like he's struggling to remember who he (allegedly) proposed to is hilarious though same energy as Jo not remembering Ikumi's name ghdshgkdhf the exchange kind of reminded me of Ichi talking to Arakawa as well... the "don't say it in the past tense" one you know the one...

Also next summit in September so that'll be a lovely birthday present :) For Me :)

Also x2 I love seeing which of my asks you decide to reblog. Whether it's because of the actual ask or because of my commentary it always feels like a win (<- normal to want and possible to achieve)

even if Considerably underwhelming, what information's been given IS causin a lotta buzz right now so !!! pretty successful summit in some regards ( ❁´◡`❁;;)

i just wish we got to see LAD8 gameplay, that's probably the only thing i really wanted but i guess there is still the fall summit (and for your birthday's sake i hope it's a real banger one)!

#snap chats #BEEN TRYING TO REPLY TO THIS ONE FOR LIKE HALF AN HOUR NOW IM SO SORRY VLEKVKJ #i was still on the call with my friend so i couldnt think straight and i wanted to give this my full attention when responding #anyway. i dont think i have to say anything about the conversation between ichi and kiryu #mostly cause ive already been doin that with the other asks huh ☠️ #DEFINITELY probably The Main Attraction to everyone tonight... so mysterious... def leavin me confused LMAO #but SO true love how ichi freely assumes arakawa was bangin back in the day but with kiryu he's like Oh God Prob Not #and i mean. is he entirely wrong ☠️ #which is what makes kiryu's response all the more funnier 'been around the block' at max you got three girls #one of them arguably being your sister and the other was a mole and the other one yall separated on agreed terms #WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SIR. he caught on proposing cause he wasnt ever with anyone long enough TO propose ☠️☠️ #AH AND i actually like most- if not all- the asks you answer if that's anything :) #my main's shadowbanned so it probably doesnt show up but i always do enjoy reading your commentary or responses to people #i feel awkward rbing asks since For Some Reason in my head that's. Illegal #but sometimes there ARE topics i really wanna leave a comment or ramble bout for one reason or another #absolutely flattered it's considered a win tho cause thats how i feel whenever i see you like or rb any of my posts fjaLKJLKJA #cause yk... in a general sense im very bland or just outright foolish SO it's always cool when you enjoy my posts ♪(´▽｀) #esp when theres so much love and thought in yours- its very cool is what i can say in the Utter Most Simplest of terms #terms i have to use cause my hands starting to hurt from all the typing owie ow ow ow（；´x｀） #ill leave with saying HOPEFULLY for the next summit i can stream it... my mic worked well with my call with my friend SO #it's def ready for. whatever i got in store ok my hand REALLY hurts now i gotta cap it （；´д｀）

[here-there-everyfuckenwhere]

I don’t like to get personal on here often, but tbh one of my pet peeves is when I try to open up about something (especially something about feeling anxious or depressed) to someone, and they immediately ask something like “are you mad at me?” or “what did I do?” 

I know people really stress about whether or not they’ve done something to upset me, but most of the time there really isn’t a reason I feel this way and it just kinda sounds like they’re not even listening they’re just making the whole thing about them.. 

#personal #you can rb i guess i dont mind #not sure why you would though #maybe theres some sad antisocial people out there idk #ray rants and junk #im actually having this vent because my s.o complains that i never tell them how im feeling so today i tried to tell them how i was feeling- #and i told them that i feel very out of touch and lonely and isolated and ive been getting really depressed because they're literally the- #only person i have a meaningful connection with anymore outside of my parents and all my mutuals on tumblr (as depressing as that sounds) #(jk i love you guys lol) #and they were immedately like oml did i do something?? am i not enough??? are you breaking up with me??? a #and tbh it was kinda annoying because i was just trying to tell them how i genuinely feel and its really hard for me to talk about this sort #of thing and i dont expect them to understand or relate or whatever but as soon as they make the whole thing about themselves and about our- #relationship it just sorta feels.. #invalidating? like theyre not properly listening? #and like if they can't understand why I wouldnt need more than one meaningful relationship in my life then theyre completely missing the- #point. Ive never been angry at them before and we've never had a fight but honestly this really frustrated me and im having a rant on the- #hellsite (affectionate) to you guys before it becomes one #but its 1am here and im fucken tired so someone please stop me before i say something i'll regret in the morning lol #anyway

[elytrafemme]

like i was just thinking about how proud of myself i was that so few people knew about my life IRL and then i go and tell my new girlfriend on our FIRST DATE about how i most likely have a personality disorder & have delusions & have a complicated romantic history like. she told me a lot of stuff too but she still has power in this situation and i am extremely stressed about it 

#nightmare.personal #don't rb #neg #I DON'T LIKE TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT ME. #but it's like. she HAS to know this information. #like the delusions was accidental she was telling me to take meds and i told her i couldn't because they poison those #the romantic history was also a mistake because now she thinks my ex is an asshole and not like literally my best friend ever #but the personality ??? like that's really personal but #it's getting to a point that people who don't know about it think i absolutely hate them or that im crazy #or we dont talk often enough so its like. An Issue #so i wanted her to know and i thought oh okay she's told me everything in a single sitting so like surley this is fine #but it's not fine! it's not! what was i thinking! #well i'm over it i'm gonna go talk to my sister

[ablednt]

I'm in my not caring anymore arc (<- gripping the bathroom sink, crying)

#ok to rb im just bein silly #god fr tho it's like. I'm getting there. I'm approaching my doesn't care arc/pos but my OCD is making me take it so slow #like ahhhh what if I'm BAD and that HURTS PEOPLE and the WORLD EXPLODES cause my PRAXIS WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH #(idek what praxis means lol) #like. the idea that I'm not a perfect person who will never inconvenience anyone absolutely terrifies me for no good reason #shakes my fist at the fundies for giving me OCD #I gotta therapy consultation on friday so I might get a better therapist I can . actually talk to about this #I want so badly to work on myself and heal from the shit the m0rmons did to me #but like dear god Im gonna need a therapist for this shit cause it's so goddamn ingrained in me

[dyketubbo]

theres something so terribly and uniquely lonely about systemhood sometimes

#mask mews #plural stuff #i dont know how to explain it but its like. #if i focus hard enough i can convince myself im warm but in the end once my focus drops my bodys as cold as its always been #(<-probably completely nonsensical my bad) #we have a very extensive headspace and many. many headmates #but i know that if i tried to map out the auditorium i live in i would not be able to #and even with all of my focus i would not be able to give proper directions #and i dont know what my headmates rooms really look like even though ive walked through hundreds of them hundreds of times #ive been over to tipps house more times than i can count or remember #i could not truly tell you what her kids look like even though ive known them since they were born (and thats unsettling in its own way.- #-theyve grown so fast. theyre nearly teenagers and its only been two years. maybe three.) #i dont know what her living room looks like. i have no idea what fog sounds like even though ive talked to her more than anyone #if i wanted a hug i know intimately that there are over a hundred people in here that would jump at the chance #i also know intimately that the body would still be cold. that i wouldnt properly be able to focus on the mental image of being hugged #mosslid has held me in a hand for hours on end. i could not tell you what it feels like without having to think and even though i know it #happened itd feel like i was making it up #im used to it but if i think about it for any longer ill feel like im in one elaborate horror story. haha #ok to rb

[bpdbubbles]

This blog is one of my most-followed sideblogs, and still gets quite a few interactions whenever I think to send a post over to it. It makes me so happy that so many people have found solidarity and validation from this blog. Before I go any more into this I want to make it clear: I have not abandoned this blog, and I have no intentions of leaving it behind.

I want to tell y’all why I am so much less active on this blog, and why the only things I reblog here anymore are about healing and recovery. I am completely outwardly asymptomatic for BPD now, and have been for a few years.

I use the phrase “outwardly asymptomatic” because the BPD will always affect the way that I think, and my initial impulses in certain situations. But, I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD in the DSM-V. This does not mean that I never had it, I very much did (and still do, in my opinion. Like I said, it still affects the way that I think and internally react to things). If anything, I was a pretty “classic” case of it, meeting nearly all of the criteria.

I want to talk a little bit about my recovery here, and I want to keep posting about it and talking about it. There is so much stigma around BPD, and so much misinformation and misunderstanding around how treatable it is and what treatment is actually like, and I know I can’t fix that all myself, but I want to put my experiences out there in some way, in case it helps even one person.

I can’t sum up my entire recovery in one post. It was, and still is, years and years of work. For now, I think one of the biggest things that I want to tell other actuallyBPD people is this:

When I first started my journey to recovery, I was terrified. I didn’t want to be the way that I was forever, that idea was terrifying. But I also didn’t want to get better, because that scared me, too. BPD was the only thing I knew about who I “really” was, and I was so afraid that recovery would cause me to lose myself and the only sense I really had about myself. That never happened. That fear never came to pass.

I did not fundamentally change as a person from recovery. I did not lose the things that make me me. All recovery did was allow me to start uncovering the things about myself that were always true and I could never see. It was like part of the BPD was this huge buildup of rubble covering my entire self. I thought all that I was was that rubble. But as I started to clear the rubble, I found beautiful things underneath. Things that had always been there, things that the people around me may have been able to see, but that I never knew about because the rubble and debris had been covering it from my sight for as long as I could remember.

My ask box is absolutely open for anybody who has questions about recovery, though please keep in mind it may take me a while to get to responding. I only have so much energy for writing out new posts, and it is especially a lot of work to talk about my whole recovery process. That is a me thing, not a you thing, I promise.

#bpd #actuallyborderline #actuallybpd #actually bpd #actually borderline #recovery #healing #bubbles speaks #bubbles recovery #<- new tag #for anyone curious the main form of therapy i did for my BPD was DBT #i hope to talk more in detail about what DBT is like and how it's helped me #and also some of its pitfalls so other people can be aware of areas that may cause difficulty #overall though i cannot recommend DBT enough #even in places where it stumbles that never outweighed the good it did for me #OK TO RB!!!

[sagxshi]

i fucking hate everything about applying for mcat fee assistance this shit fucking sucks fuck the aamc

#splatter speaks #personal // #dont rb/// #like. the whole thing is super fucking classist. its not enough to say that youre poor and submit like tax returns. no they want like 15 #goddamn documents. they want some from each parent (even if you dont live with them. i havent lived with my dad in decades and they still #wanted like. welfare statements. ). i actually just had to resubmit a bunch of forms bc they werent Precise enough. #it took me fucking MONTHS!!! to get everything together thanks to bureaucratic nonsense!!! #i started this application in JUNE. it is now SEPTEMBER. #like listen i wouldve given up if it werent for how fucking much i want to pursue medicine. #i stfg they do this on purpose to prevent poor people from applying. #this would be so helpful. like it means i dont have to pay as much to send each school app later (it costs hundreds per school). and it #also drops the price of the MCAT exam itself from $330 to $150. #i dont plan on taking it more than i have to but still. any little bit helps. #listen idk this turned into a whole ass rant. plus i have work tomorrow and i spent like 3 hours precharting bc we have 47 fucking patients #tomorrow for some fucking reason. who the fuck decided that would be ok. we normally see high 30s if that. #oh and this isnt even touching the fact i have to write a second essay talking about why i identify as like. a marginalized group. like. im #fucking disabled dude. why are you making it Harder for disabled people and not making the abled people write about why THEY should get in. #jk i know why!!! its ableism!!!! #jesus christ. im so drained. like yall i just want to be a forensic pathologist SO BAD. ive been aiming for that since high school #i know medicine is a horrible field rn but like. i genuinely want to do it. #anyways idk how else to say it. plus my hands hurt from typing all this

[leathermouthlives]

ngl i think people are really signalling their virtue when they make a billion and one posts telling w*yc*st shippers to die

#like . block and move on #i dont care to see a dash full of people talking about it when it crops up you can just. yknow. Not do that. #as a victim of incest i do not care how many times you say you hate a ship you are putting the triggering thing on my dash a thousand times #n i cant blacklist because Seeing The Name Is Triggering Enough #also it just reminds me of how some people are just. ''this thing everyone agrees is bad is bad!'' like ok. #really changing the world with that one bud. #i also cant just Unfollow People bc literally everyone rbs n posts about it when it happens. #i just have 2 await the next day my dash becomes one huge landmine #sorry im just grumpy . my tummy hurts . n im a little on the triggered side already so thinking about Everything yknow #blabs #incest mention #incest tw #incest cw