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yasminewestbank · 5 months

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all movie asks answers from the ask meme post bc it was fun

Your favorite movie released this year DIDNT WATCH ANY 2023 MOVIES YET.. CRIES

A movie you think is underrated - obliged to say An Elephant Sitting Still by hu bo bc i can never find it in dvd stores and i unfortunately honestly dont know if i will find a screening of it in a cinema available to me ever again but i dream of it

A movie you think is overrated - going to put two, one new and one classic. first one is parasite. im bitter abt this movie bc it was advertised like crazy and the reviews were so hyping and then i went and it was average. its not a bad movie but not only doesnt deserve the hype the hype ruined it for me bc if i went with the proper expectations i wouldnt have gotten so disappointed. a classic is alphaville of godard... obviously its a good movie and im sure it was groundbreaking at the time but by now the story doesnt feel as sophisticated bc this genre of story is at this point.. i wouldnt say overdone bc its still a great genre but its not fresh or suprising by now without making it more complex. this movie felt like a blueprint to the 1984 book soviet dystopia genre so it didnt keep up with the times. many classic movies are still exciting and fresh just like when they came out including other movies of godard but this isn't one of them. but i can also see how it was probably one of godard's top commercial movies, bc it was easier to digest and more basic than his other work

A movie you like but wouldn't recommend - stalker of tarkovsky and tarkovsky movies in general bc i think it would probs be boring to most ppl (its slow and not much plot) + tarkovsky movies r slow and the kind of movies u have to watch in the movie theater

A movie musical you like - annette of leox carax. and its not only a good movie the music is so good too

A horror movie you like - audition by takashi miike . love japanese violence

A sci-fi movie you like - high life by claire denis. AND it has robert pattinson in it!!!!!!!111 and hes amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fantasy movie you like

A movie in your native language you like - Life According to Agfa by Assi Dayan. one of the only good israeli movies that exist bc i didnt see so far any good, worthwhile or complex israeli movie besides this one (not including documentaries).

A foreign-language movie you like - (i put a bunch already so ill do one in a language i didnt put yet) tori and lokita by the dardenne brothers. takes place in belgium in french about a young refugee woman and a refugee child from africa who pose as brother and sister. this is going to destroy you but its such a good movie i cant recommend it enough but i still cant recover

A movie you wish you could un-watch - the disney secretariat movie. it was so bad oh my god it was so fucking bad im in pain. i want disney to give me back the braincells i lost. this actor horse deserves so much better

A performance you think is underrated - Vicenç Altaió (yeah had to google this one) in story of my death by albert serra. his acting was insane. probably one of the best acting perfomances ive ever seen, specifically the toilet scene stuck with me. so it's a period movie about casanova. there a scene in the movie that all of it is just him taking a shit. and of course it sounds goofy but it was actually a really human and sensitive depiction and his acting was so natural i completely forgot i was watching a movie. he really made this scene what it is. and tbh i think even from those other photos u can see what i mean on him

A performance you think is overrated

A movie made better by the ending - only thing that comes up in my mind is barton fink of joel coen.. i can barely remember this movie bc i watched it years ago but (spoilers) i can just remember there was a twist in the middle that flipped the whole movie on its head and it was super enjoyable. besides this i cant think of anything

A movie ruined by the ending - the holy mountain of jodorowsky... at the time i watched it i was so disappointed by the ending it was so anticlimactic. i think he thought he did something but it just didnt work. (might be spoilers) same vibes when a story pulls "and then he found out it was all a dream". like.. in this case it just didnt feel fitting it was disappointing. but i watched it years ago so i wonder if i would feel the same now

A trilogy/franchise you like cant think of anything

A movie you never get tired of talking about - drive my car by ryusuke hamaguchi. its fun to talk abt this movie bc even tho there are a lot of themes and details that make it what it is, its not too complex to not be able to grasp and pinpoint them. so its complex enough to be a good movie but not too complex to not be able to talk abt it, both abt the good and bad things (bc there r also choices the director made that i dont like). and there's also so much to talk abt that stems from this movie not only in the movie itself but also what it shows abt japanese cinema, contemporary japanese cinema/this generation of japanese directors versus the previous generations. also i love this director in general i recc all his movies

A movie you never wanna hear about again - if i hear one more thing abt any marvel movie im going to kill myself

A movie you look forward to watching (could be an upcoming release or not) - aki karutismaki's fallen leaves that came out this year

A movie you think looks beautiful - red desert of antonioni. i adore the aesthetic of this movie. tbh its probably my favorite movie visuals wise. i just cant stop adding photos from google bc i love everything slkfdsflsfgds

A director you think is underrated - tbh hard to think of anyone.. i think any director i like got some kind of recognition, and if i think ok which one doesnt get mainstream recognition it would be basically most of them. so im trying to think.. who do i rlly think doesnt get recognition. maybe the crown should go to the photographer petra collins who actually directed the first season of euphoria before sam levinson kicked her out and claimed he did it and stole all her work

A director you think is overrated - HITCHCOCK!!!!!!! HES NOT THAT GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HES TRULY NOT THAT GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD PULL UP 10 DIRECTORS FROM HIS TIME AND BEFORE HIM THAT ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN HE IS THAT ARENT AS HYPED UP. godard and kurosawa made movies so much better and decades before him so the reason hes hyped cant even be that what he made was groundbreaking for the time. hitchcock is MID

An animated movie you like - the cowboy bebop movie... its so fun and satisfying to watch i watched it so many times dsfdf

A silent movie you like cant think of anything

Your favorite movie - possession by andrej zulawski. im speechless abt it. dont read a summery go into this blind. its such an insane experience (sin look my fav movie is a polish movie)

Your least favorite movie i dont rlly have one i have a whole bunch of movies i dont like but i dont have THE hated movie

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ourstoriedinsight · 23 days

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Audio Drama Sunday IV

Alright! Back again! Skipped last week as I went on a binge of Non-fiction history podcasts as is my occasional habit. This week however I resumed my audio fiction engagements with a fervor.

Edge of my seat week to week listens wise this was another win for @innbetween where I have to be a bit sneaky about spoilers since most y'all won't have access yet. This one gave me some chills as Max's character brought to mind some bosses I worked for in the past whom I am glad I am not working for now. Whereas previous adventuring parties were faster to making solid friendships of fate and circumstance this bunch remains first and foremost co-worker relationships which has opened the door wonderfully to working with themes of different types of ableism. I come from a decently cut throat industry myself and that whole "What good are you if you can't..." is a huge thing we need to talk more about as a society. Having party members we feel a little more gray about is a neat shift of dynamic too which I wholeheartedly approve of which has left me hoping either the arc carries everyone to a better wiser place ... or delivers some much needed kicks to the gems for bad behavior by way of catharsis.

My binge listen continues to be Spirit Box Radio where I have hit season 3 at last! The Host/ Creator/ Voice Actor of the show seems to be going through a testosterone based transition which I got to admit I am enjoying vicariously more than I probably should. My circumstances have taken a T transition off the table for me personally so when I encounter someone going through one I get fairly excited myself noting the changes. How deep Sam's voice will be by the end of the series is like an added bit of delightful mystery. On it's more narrative based merits however Spirit Box Radio continues to delight. There's an evolving ruminative quality to the story with leaps and bounds of development just when the slow drip of progress in the mystery starts to stretch the tension to the breaking point. Big changes in the status quo that then must be weighed and understood and considered starting the cycle anew. Pacing wise it's the cautious and moderate person's approach to danger which feels fairly true to life. It's something that works best in podcast format which makes it feel more fresh than the more common arc of act/react. Things must be digested in their own time and lately particularly I have been finding that slower pace is a welcome change from instant gratification.

Editing log of the week is fairy empty as I have finished the second draft of the season Finale and am taking a breather before doing the finalizing process. After this I get a nice two month vacay from all things audio to sharpen up my resolve for the next season and start making our backlog for the airing of season 2. I'm so close to relaxing I can feel it!

#ttrpg #podcasts #actual play #audio fiction #audio drama #audio drama sunday #audiodramasunday #audiodrama #inn between #spirit box radio

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thepalmofyourfreezinghand · 9 months

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you hashtagging that cwf is a great show i agree!!! I watched it for the first time last month and loved it so much i’m sad that most people don’t share that opinion :(

I love it too! And I have soooo many opinions about that show.

The novel is one of my favorite books ever, and the show is not as good as the book, imo, but it’s still very good. I also like it better than Normal People (although I think that NP is “objectively” better), but I’m clearly one of three people in the entire world who feels this way.

I have a few critiques, namely (spoilers ahead):

1. I wish they’d kept some scenes from the source material. For example, the game scene in Croatia is so well done and it really puts Nick on the spot and spins the whole dynamic around, and I hate that they reduced it to a single sentence in the show. They ABSOLUTELY should’ve kept the scene where Nick gives Frances the money, because it puts their relationship into perspective. And they absolutely should’ve kept a couple of sex scenes that were cut (I’m thinking about the one after the diagnosis in particular).

2. The show is not as well written as NP, nor is it as well directed and shot as NP.

3. Joe is great. In a few shots he’s downright amazing (I’m thinking about when he tells Frances about his depression, or when he reacts to Frances telling him about her miscarriage scare - you can just see in his eyes all the emotions, about wanting kids, about having a wife who doesn’t, about being scared for Frances, about being angry at himself for not having been there for here… it’s just one second but it’s perfect). BUT he’s subpar in some other scenes, and honestly it impacts the show. In the scene where Frances breaks up with him in the second to last episode he’s particularly bad, imo. The other actors are all very good, though. And Joe’s amazing too! It’s just that he’s not as consistent in his role as Paul was.

Beyond that, I genuinely love it. It’s one of my favorite shows ever. As a poly person, I love seeing that there are four people feeling “conflicting” feelings and those feelings aren’t even conflicting because Frances can love both Bobbi and Nick and Nick can be in love with his wife and also with Frances and it isn’t always easy but there’s enough love for more than one person in Nick’s and Frances’s hearts - and we rarely see that in media, so it makes me happy.

I also think (and this will be highly controversial) that CWF does a better job at representing depression and narrating it than NP does. I think that Nick’s feelings are more layered than Connell’s, and I think that the people around Nick (particularly his wife) deal with his depression in a realer way than those who are close to Connell.

Bobbi’s character is one of the highlights of the show and her story with Frances is so well drawn out. I’m especially thinking about the arc with the publishing of the story and the whole dynamic of Bobbi coming around to Nick. She also serves a specific purpose in the show, imo (saying out loud for the audience what Frances and Nick think/feel, since those two are not really into talking hahah), and she’s essential. Beyond that she’s just great even as a stand alone character, and she’s probably my favorite in the entire show, tied with Nick.

I have so much more to say but yeah… I’m sad more people don’t like it. I understand why most people prefer NP (or downright don’t like CWF). I mean, NP is just better done, it’s pretty objective.

BUT I also think that a story like the one in NP is more “palatable” and “digestible” for people. Not that it’s easy or banal in any way, but, when it comes to love, if clear lines are draw (Marianne and Connell clearly belong together from the very beginning, and those who date either one of them turn out to be horrible characters and are eventually cast aside in the name of “true love”), the public is generally more receptive. CWF is not like that. As Joe said, the story doesn’t end with a nice bow that packages a relationship in an ordinary and classic way. It’s messier, there are more grey zones, you can’t really “cheer” for a couple because there are multiple couples that work together. There are no enemies to “real love” in CWF, there are just four people trying to make life work, while in NP there are two clear heroes and a ton of clear enemies. And that’s just more easy to digest. And that’s part of the reason why people prefer NP, imo.

AGAIN, NP is also better directed and the two actors are both outstanding. It’s not just about the content. But the content plays a role, imo.

#CWF #anyway… Joe is amazing

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screenmaven · 9 months

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Film Review: BARBIE 💖

So excited to share my review on this film and what I personally took away from it.

I had to seriously take about a day, to even write this. Barbie left me feeling many things, but I have nothing bad to say about the feelings it welled up inside me. I’m actually very thankful for it.

It’s funny, heartwarming, inspiring, and has even created a few new quotes to my vocabulary. Ken’s “Beach” term and how it’s used makes me giggle and I love that dynamic. With a soundtrack that includes the Indigo Girls and Matchbox Twenty, this film definitely has a purpose. Here we go.

As someone who grew up loving Barbie and the whole slew of Barbie’s companions, I even had some of the coolest of cool houses, vans, and outfits to play out some soap operas, or what I envisioned glamour to look like. We won’t even discuss how my Jordan Knight doll got into the Barbie mix. I’ve additionally had a special place in my heart for Barbie herself. She made me feel pretty and magical as a child. My mom had one of the first Barbie’s, and I remember her showing it to me and telling me how special she was and that all girls are special, including me. That special symbolism resonated with me every-time she got me a new Barbie and through those exchanges again and again, I realized just how special they truly were. My mom also told me that I could do anything, and she also said to me that if a someone doesn’t appreciate you, then that’s their loss, but always appreciate yourself the most.

Barbie was beautiful and glamorous. Myself, as a kind of cute kid, but very awkward, and didn’t always feel the prettiest (had a very ugly duckling faze), felt so pretty and dreamy playing with my Barbies. They never judged me on my appearance, or made me feel unworthy, and I found solace and self expression through their beings. As someone who also struggled with being bullied, dismissed, and feeling like I never fit in during a pivotal time in my adolescence from many peers, Barbie’s glamour, pizazz, and I can do anything attitude, led me to embracing who I truly wanted to be. As I got older I embraced the bubbly blonde demeanor, because it’s who I felt like. Even though each of us struggle with insecurities, there’s lots of really special things within us too, and we’re probably way more critical on ourselves than we should be. So I embraced the person I felt the most like and used that to my advantage. I wasn’t going to let anyone dull my sparkle, even if they tried to diminish it. I may have on several occasions let other people snuff that gleam of wonder and love that radiates inside my heart, but I don’t forget that there is always special here. There’s special in you too. Some girls harbor the biggest hearts and that’s what Barbie is all about. It’s not about the appearance, it’s about the bright side of life. The hope in believing, the hope in the better. Life gets hard. I know all too well that, but you can’t let that stop your magic. Even you Ken’s out there, the same goes for you. You’ll also really appreciate your mom more than ever after watching this film. I don’t have mine anymore, but all she did for me, I’m forever grateful. Okay, onto the movie, but you’ll see why I started my review this way.

*I will not give spoilers, because you have to experience this for yourselves, but I will outline and tell you the layers of fulfillment of watching this, that everyone needs to digest.*

You have Barbie living what seems to be the perfect life, in a perfect world, and in someways it is, but something is pulling at her to connect with more than just Barbie. Through some unusual events, she goes to our so called real world, which unleashes a whole lot of feelings, confusion, mania, and a sense of what is all of it for?! You also have Ken, going from just being Ken, a counterpart in Barbie’s equation, to discovering himself in his own way too. Both of them together experiencing these journeys, is what every person needs to do individually for themselves.

We’re set up in this life with a patriarchal system, that you need to do this, you need to do that, you have to look this way, or be this, to be of some sort of worth. What I liked most about this film is what it set straight - “You just have to be you.” You have to find you, love yourself even when it’s hard to, be proud of what makes you different, and that everyone can make a mark in this world just by going after their dreams. Most times we think we need others to fill parts of ourselves, but really we need to fill ourselves. Now it does feel good to be wanted and appreciated, and feel like we have someone, but others will let you down if you solely rely on their approvals for your happiness.

This movie calls out stereotypes and assumptions, that women portray on other women, but it also shows how women should support each other and you can’t always judge a book by its cover. It also shows how men a lot of times view women, and the expectations they assume are their entitlements of having them in their life. It additionally shows how women, also expect men to fill voids or even be their commodities. Women cut themselves apart for the approval of so much, that it leaves them often vulnerable, depleted, and lacking. Men, also drive themselves to be bigger, more wealthy, more powerful, more wanted, that we often have a bunch of individuals walking around filling from others cups, while we never fully fill our own. Gloria (America Ferrera) had a phenomenal speech on all of this in the movie. You also get a glimpse into how often the male dominant mindset controls things, that women should really have a voice on. It touches on so many in depth things of discovery and self awareness, that I wasn’t expecting a movie about Barbie to give me all these realizations. I knew I’d feel empowered, but I didn’t expect to be psycho analyzing myself with so much love and healing my inner child in the process.

There are pretty people who feel insecure, there are unusual people (example Weird Barbie) that have more confidence and drive, because of the hard things they’ve been through. Then there are people who feel lost and alone, doing the best they can. At the end of the day though, we’re all just trying to figure this life out. I think Barbie really set the bar for reaching everyone.

Weird Barbie was everything! Perfect adaptation and need in this film for sure. How her journey of the uncomfortable, gave light to Barbie finding true meaning, and let’s be real we learn so much during those weird wacky times, where nothing seems to make sense.

There was one special scene that really got me the most in this film and it was the scene with the old lady and Barbie at the bus stop. If you haven’t seen it yet, absorb that part so much. It brought me to tears, but it all makes sense for what beauty really is.

This film is packed with so much, that I could probably write a novel on self development alone, but I also want you to take away from what I wrote a sense of wonder, discovery, and magic. Margot and Ryan were so insanely adorable and cute, that if you didn’t love them before, you definitely will now. Everyone can see this film. It’s great for kids to adults. There’s no vulgar, propaganda pushing, or bias dialogue. It’s what I think the world needed right now. To address all those critics out there raging hate on this movie, y’all are ridiculous and you might want to take a good hard look at yourselves, if you feel any sort of attacked. It clearly did no such thing. It was real. The scenery, casting, and writing were very pristine. It’s a very big eye opener of a film on many levels and I hope you take away something wonderful from it, as you should! You’ll be Barbie enlightened for sure and there’s no better way to be.

Happy Filming 💖

#barbie #barbie movie #film review #movies #film #discovery #journey #value #greta gerwig #Ken #hope #magic #nostalgia #iconic #screen maven #blogger

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inkofamethyst · 1 year

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November 6, 2022

[two nights ago] So it’s currently 2am and I’m in a... a state. Not like a bad one, I’m not having an anxious episode (I do got the nerves runnin through me though! that hasn’t changed!), but I’ve been stressed all week because of exams and other things and I suddenly feel just a little bit freer. I mean, I was in bed most of the day after my morning exam as a result of lady pains (it would be really convenient to have, like, ADS accommodations specifically for my First Days (though I think the exam went fine actually, possibly better than my other two despite the limited studying)), so I am suddenly filled with energy and I randomly decided to work on the One More Soul to the Call string quartet test arrangement (because even though Paradise is my top priority for next semester, transcribing it is a horrible experience (and even though Love Psalm is probably my second priority, it would involve transcribing drums which I don’t feel like doing (in other words, I needed a win tonight))), and I’m kind of in love with it??? I’ll send it to my cello-friend to see if it actually has potential or if it just sounds like noise, but it’s really coming along, I think.

[today] So I finished the first draft after a total worktime of about six hours. I made some (a lot of) creative liberties, and I’ve handed it off to be scrutinized (by a friend bc I’m not all that confident in it). It’s not super vocally interesting.. all the notes are within the range of a single octave, there’s no major jumps or anything, I sort of just wanted to see if I could do the adaptation. Love Psalm is (seemingly) more vocally interesting, but a string quartet adaptation might be harder, so I may try a straight transcription for it later.

Critical Role episodes 36-38 have been fantastic. 36, total fanservice, was grinning the whole time. 37, a dungeon crawl, but I was fully engaged throughout, even in the battle (there have been some really interesting battles this campaign) which doesn’t always happen. 38, joy followed by a harrowing twist. C3 is really really good. I don’t want to pick a favorite of the campaigns because I love them all for different reasons, but this one is really strong. It might be partly because it’s drawing on aspects of the world that longtime fans recognize (from C1 and C2 and mini-campaigns). It feels like a major culmination, and I think we’re leading into something big (that’s one thing about the end of C2--the final boss battle was fine, the ending was good, but the stakes did not seem very high because the threat was so isolated, unlike the VM end battles which affected the world).

Speaking of podcasts and culminations, WtNV feels like it’s doing that really slow build thing again which I love. Where they slowly incorporate more and more storyline into the episodes to culminate in an epic climax. No spoilers, but Salmon Burger was a good episode. AGH I love Night Vale so much.

Today I’m thankful for a good weekend. I went to the chamber concert for the orchestra with my photo-friend, and my cello-friend’s group was so so good. Easily the best performance there. We went out for dinner after which was nice. Today, rehearsal went well, and I made a really solid beef stroganoff for the first time ever. Lastly, I’ve mentioned before that I like watching the little WB animated DC movies because they’re relatively quick movies and easily digestible. Most of them are just okay (like Superman vs The Elite which tried too hard and missed the mark on its social commentary, or Injustice: Gods Among Us which had so much potential to be good but the climax fell flat), some are pretty bad, and every once in a while you come across one that’s a bit of a gem. I’ve watched two this weekend, and I think Superman: Unbound was one of those gems. I just really like the Clark/Lois dynamic. Superman as a hero just makes me happy :) wholesome lil farm boy :)

I have a lot to do tomorrow. I have to catch up on a few assignments for ecoanth, send out a bunch of emails, and start on those applications. My next exam isn’t for about a month, but I really don’t want to wait until the last minute again, especially since that one will determine whether I need to take the final for that class or not.

But for now, an “early” bedtime. Goodnight :)

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thenanamisimp · 4 months

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Mo Dao Zu Shi (The founder of diabolism)

Genre: Action/ Adventure/ Fantasy/ Drama/ Mystery

Warnings: Gore/ Violence

STRAP IN KIDS. WE'RE GOIN ON A RIDEEEEEEEEEEE

So... If you follow my other blog (or even this blog), you'll know how much I love MXTX's TGCF and MDZS novels. And I have been patiently waiting for the letter M so I can finally force myself to watch the MDZS donghua and it was WELL WORTH IT.

Mo Dao Zu Shi (English donghua title: The founder of diabolism) is based on Mo Xiang Tong Xiu's hit novel series of the same Chinese name (English novel name: The grandmaster of demonic cultivation) and it is one of my favourite pieces of fiction of all time. I will attempt to not infodump about the novel in this post other than a section about the adaptation but no promises!

The story starts when Wei Wuxian, a well hated demonic cultivator who died 13 years ago, gets reincarnated and gifted a new body through a demonic ritual. We learn about his early life as a teenager and later as a demonic cultivator (before he died) as well as follow the events of the current timeline where a dismembered body is causing all kinds of chaos.

I went into the donghua knowing what was about to happen.... And it still got me bad cause it made me cry. The story of Wei Wuxian as well as the stories of the side characters are genuinely very sad (tho nothing can compare to the soul crushing sadness of banana fish - but MDZS still made me cry a significant bit).

The art itself is beautiful and even tho I felt like the animation could have been just a tinyyy bit better at times, I think I just have high standards and it's still pretty well animated. I actually really liked the use of CGI because it wasn't used for people (other than for crowds a couple times) but mostly for other things like flags, water and background stuff that actually just made the animation simply smoother.

Don't even get me STARTED on the music because I love instruments and music that are more traditional, from any culture that is. Please excuse my ignorance but as far as I know, the guqin is a traditional Chinese instrument and I'm pretty sure there's a traditional version of a flute in most cultures. I've not really done my research on traditional Chinese music so I will refrain from calling the MDZS music that or even inspired by it but no matter the case, I fucking loved it.

I will give a spoiler warning here because, I wanna talk about the adaptation of the novel as well as compare some scenes and the plot points that were changed in the adaptation. Mostly, I wanna talk about 2 things: the whole process of finding the pieces of the dismembered body as well as the change in the storytelling timeline.

When it came to searching for the pieces of the dismembered body, I got really confused by the addition of the whole watch towers thing? With triggering resentful energy at specific locations after they first subdued the arm? I was so confused. But I think for someone who hasn't read the book, watching the donghua this is probably a little easier to digest than the book and probably helped the production team to keep the donghua on the shorter side (all 5 of the books where adapted into 35 episodes).

But I did like how they kept the timeline a little straighter and actually showing things in (mostly) the order that happened other than a few flashbacks - we got Wei Wuxian's study years at the cloud recess first, then lotus pier being destroyed, him disappearing and coming back as the Yiling patriarch and then we got a lil more of the current timeline when they started looking for the rest of the body etc etc if you've read the novels, you should know where I'm going with this.

Anyway my BIGGEST thing about the donghua is that I was expecting to not see much of Wangxian's relationship, or I was expecting it to be a little more ambiguous considering the censorship but really man... They didn't say it but was it OBVIOUS. We got a (slightly different version) of the three bows in the Jiang ancestral hall as well as them leaving together to go on a journey at the end. They even kept the name of their song (which I was really expecting that they would cut out). Not only that but they MADE THEIR ROBES TURN RED WHEN THEY WHERE FIGHTING THE CORPSES ON THE BURIAL MOUNTS AT THE END?? I died. Had to pause, take a breath, scream a bit and then resume because what censorship? The animators heard that Wangxian is married and they gave us a WEDDING.

Spoiler warning over

Regardless, I think the fantasy elements and the action in the donghua are really well done and I think anyone could enjoy it. I would seriously encourage any fantasy fans to watch this - and if you're into a good tragic, queer story, do pick up the books (be warned - they include sexually explicit content).

Thank you for reading another rant! Enjoy watching :)

theNanamiSimp

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sister2of5 · 2 years

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Saga of the Aesthetic Book Stack, Parts 1 and 2

Well, it’s certainly been a long time since I’ve blogged on this account...

For Christmas last year, my mother purchased an aesthetic book stack in blue-green for me. I plan to read that foot of books with similarly colored bindings. I’m going to babble about it too.

Definitely spoilers ahead.

These will probably get quite long, so...

I have a bad habit of reading more than one book at a time and flipping back and forth between them in little chunks. It’s partly a focus issue and partly because digesting things a snippet at a time works well for me.

I’m already partway through the first two books, but my goal going forward is to write a little a bit about my impressions once a week as I go.

Once I have finished any of the books, I will give an overall assessment of whether I would recommend them, and to whom.

The first two books are “A Pirate Looks at Fifty” and “Where is Joe Merchant?” both by Jimmy Buffet. These two books actually work very well in conjunction with each other, even though one is a novel and the other is not. Thanks to Jimmy’s publishers for liking blue-green binding, I guess?

“Pirate” was written after “Joe Merchant”, but Jimmy references the novel multiple times in the non-fiction piece. For a work of fiction, there’s a lot of autobiographical Jimmy Buffet tidbits and Easter eggs in it that I probably wouldn’t notice if I weren’t reading both books together.

For grins, we’ll start with the first chronologically.

“Where is Joe Merchant?” is about a sea plane charter pilot named Frank Bama who is a bit down on his luck in the business department. To keep his plane from being repossessed by the bank, he plans to run away to Alaska, but circumstances keep making that unlikely.

I have spent very little time in either Florida or the Caribbean, the main locations in the story thus far. I am also not very into either aviation or fishing, the main loves of the main character.

Frank’s a bit of a disaster, which I guess is more interesting to read that someone who has their act together, but most of the time I’m shaking my head going, “Why, though?” Ah well. I’m just boring like that.

Mr. Buffet likes to info dump a lot of airplane facts and figures, which would absolutely be more interesting to me if I cared. There’s a whole a paragraph of a character straight up listing plane parts and parameters in dialogue. Granted, the character is trying to weasel his way into the marginally better graces of the main character by showing how much he knows about his plane, and it’s not supposed to work, but it’s a bit of a slog for a non plane person.

Who is Joe Merchant? A rock star who disappeared off the back of a cruise ship and is presumed dead. His younger? I think? sister sort of dated Frank Bama for a while, though apparently nothing was official. She pops up again because she thinks her brother might still be alive and wants Frank to help her go looking for him. She’s even willing to fund the Alaska escape plan in exchange.

Given that there’s a little heart with wings all over the book, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess their romance will rekindle. We’ll see, I guess.

On to “A Pirate Looks at Fifty”. This one is basically a stream of consciousness journal of sorts that is kind of about a trip Jimmy Buffet took for his 50th birthday but also kind of...not. It’s a solid 1/4 of the way into the book before they even leave on the trip.

Anyone want to guess three things Jimmy Buffet really likes? Planes, fishing, and the Caribbean. If you are curious about the inner workings of the mind of Jimmy Buffet and want to hear about his thoughts and recollections of a wide variety of topics, you’ll definitely enjoy this. It will also help if you are very comfortable with a non-linear narrative.

This is a good book for taking in small chunks, though, because that’s how it’s written. I am hopeful there will be a bit more about the traveling as it continues. Anecdotes are fun and all, Jimmy, but you can’t call it a trip journal without actually writing about the trip.

Until next week...

#as i read #A Pirate Looks at Fifty #Where Is Joe Merchant #Jimmy Buffet #currently reading

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lexicals · 3 years

Text

So here’s a random excerpt from that fic I mentioned - the conceit (spoilers for all systems red ahead) is that the combat override module in ASR works differently to how it does in canon, so instead of mb causing catastrophic damage to itself after going to the DeltFall habitat and getting found out, it shares the rogue thing mostly voluntarily (“mostly” being the operative word lol)

Warnings for canon-typical identity crises, gallows humour (inc. passively suic*dal talk), etc. I also haven’t been back and checked this against canon yet so if you notice any glaring contradictions no you didn’t 💕

I didn’t reply. I'd heard worse, but I still would rather not listen to it. Normally, I would've expected to feel angry or offended or something, but instead I just felt exhausted. My own borked governor module was still poking me about that error code I didn't recognise and even backburnered, it was starting to get on my nerves, so I—

Oh, shit.

I immediately put my hand to the back of my neck and yanked out the chip that had been shoved into the dataport. My governor module promptly stopped screaming at me, but fortunately any sense of relief I might have gotten from that was immediately replaced by an enormous wave of anxiety and oh-for-fuck's-sake as I looked at the chip in my hand. You know, just in case I'd started getting too comfortable.

"SecUnit, are you alright?"

Ratthi was looking at me with concern. Checking the camera views, I understood why he'd asked the question, because I was making an expression I generally associated with humans shitting themselves. Metaphorically, I was shitting myself. Ratthi was now squinting at the chip, which I couldn't even pretend I hadn't literally just pulled out of my neck, because I'd just done it in front of everyone here like an absolute idiot. "What is that?"

I tried to bring my expression back to neutral, but the cameras showed it wasn't as successful as I would've liked. I'd managed somewhere in the region of moderate digestive discomfort, I think. "It's a combat override module."

This wasn't good for several reasons. First of all, it meant that the DeltFall units weren't really rogues; they'd been taken over by a third party using a chip like this to hijack their governor modules and order them to murder their clients, and also anyone else who made contact. Probably by whoever owned those surprise extra units that almost killed me. Which meant that there were still threats on this planet outside of the unknown dangerous fauna that we hadn't dealt with, and I was going to have to worry about that.

The second reason this wasn't good (so maybe saying several reasons was an exaggeration, but these were big reasons so maybe they counted for more, I don't know) was that the humans were going to want to know what a combat override module was, what it did, how it worked, and most importantly, why it hadn't worked on me. I could answer the first three things just fine, but short of telling my already-jittery clients I was hacked ("so I'm actually one of those scary rogue units you've heard so much about, but the good news is that a combat override module can't hijack a governor module that doesn't work!") that last thing was going to be a big problem.

Honestly, even if I did tell them exactly that, which I really didn't want to do, it was going to be a really big fucking problem.

"What?" Gurathin asked, looking alarmed. Of course, he had an augment and access to my operating manual, so it had taken him a tenth of the time to look that up compared to any of the others, if they actually had bothered to do that and weren't just waiting for me to explain. "The DeltFall units - they put that in you?"

"Yes, but it didn't work. It must be faulty," I told him, quickly before he did something stupid. The irony being that me saying that almost definitely came under the category of "doing something incredibly stupid," which I realised as soon as it came out of my mouth.

I don't know why I said it. I guess I was panicking. I'd told them all what it was in the first place because if I'd lied about it and they looked it up anyway, which they probably would, I'd look really fucking suspicious. (A governed unit can't lie to its clients; it can't even refuse to answer a direct question like that.) Maybe I was trying to buy time to think of a decent explanation by telling them something that wouldn't make everyone start screaming. Honestly, I was mostly internally spiralling about the whole situation, so that would be the best case scenario. I was still staring at the chip, which was making me feel nauseous even though I didn't have a stomach and I'd had another kind of chip in my head telling me what do to for a good chunk of my existence anyway, so it shouldn't have been bothering me as much as it was. I couldn't help still doing it.

"Would someone please explain what this means and why we should be worried?" Mensah asked, looking between me and Gurathin. I appreciated that she didn't do what a lot of humans do in these kinds of situations, which is that they see someone else freaking out and start freaking out themselves for no reason. I suppose that's why she was the survey leader.

I pulled the relevant section from my operating manual and pushed it into the feed (beating Gurathin's version by a solid 1.6 seconds, which, I won't lie, was kind of satisfying), and watched all the humans collectively have their "oh, shit" moment (excluding Gurathin, who'd already had his). I was at least glad to see they understood how bad this whole situation was getting.

"So this lets other people just—" Overse made an abrupt waving motion with her hand. "Take over any SecUnit whenever they want?"

"It is intended for use in emergency situations, for example when the contract holder is compromised," I told her.

"Which is corporate for 'we know this is stupidly dangerous to make, but if we say it's for emergency use only then we're not liable for people fucking around with it'," Pin-lee muttered, not quietly. She was right, but I'm not allowed to say things like that, or at least I can't if I want people to think I'm a good little properly-governed SecUnit. For however long that's going to last, at this point.

"But it didn't work, right?" Arada asked, looking at me, and then around at the others. "So it's fine."

If it had, you'd all be dead, I thought, but that probably wouldn't go down well. "The module's presence is new evidence which would suggest that the DeltFall units weren't true rogues, and were put under the control of a third party in order to kill their survey group and make it look like a random act of insubordination. This would explain the presence of extra SecUnits at the site and the acts of sabotage on our equipment."

All the humans went quiet. I didn't like it any more than them, but it had to be said. It meant that there were still factions on this planet, or at least nearby enough to matter, that probably still wanted to kill all of them, and me by extension. I was already updating my security procedures and running some scenarios for what might happen and what we could do about it in the background. If I was honest, it wasn't looking good, but hey, what's new.

"We should run an analysis of the module's code to see if we can find out who it would have assigned control to," Gurathin said. That was one of the first things I'd put on my own task list, but whatever, I didn't need credit for an obvious idea. "Even if it didn't work as intended, the data might still be there."

He stood up and came just close enough to me to hold out his hand for the module. Technically, he hadn't asked me to give it to him, so I didn't have to, which was good because that was the last thing I wanted to do right now. There was a reason I'd put the analysis on my personal task list, and not on a public one.

"I have my own analysis scheduled as high priority," I said.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Gurathin replied, staring me down even though I was deliberately not making eye contact with him, and also he had to look up at me. I decided I didn't like Gurathin very much.

"Why not?" Ratthi chimed in. "Surely it's better if you both look at it?"

"Because there's a chance that the module did work as intended, and this unit is now compromised," Gurathin said. "It might not even know it until it's too late."

"I'm not compromised."

"Which is what a compromised unit who's being told what to say would say."

He was still staring at me. I decided I really didn't like Gurathin, even though in this instance he was actually right. I hadn't brought up that possibility to the group because it would be very bad for me if the humans decided to run a detailed diagnostic of my systems, but from a security perspective it was an avenue that should be investigated. That didn't mean I had to like what was happening here.

I was trying to figure out how to tell Gurathin to fuck off without sounding compromised, insubordinate, or straight-up rogue when Mensah cut in.

"SecUnit," she said carefully. "I don't think any of us think that you're actually compromised, but given our situation I'm sure you understand we have to take every possible precaution. I think the best thing to do would be to let Gurathin and Pin-lee analyse the module first, and then for you to run your analysis afterwards. Does that sound fair to everyone?"

She was using a tone that I designated as diplomatic, which was probably because I was being difficult. Or at least as difficult as a governed SecUnit would be able to be. I could be a lot more difficult if I wanted (a lot more) but I wasn't going to make myself look any more suspicious than I already was, and as I might have mentioned, I was already starting to look pretty suspicious. I also appreciated that Mensah was trying to actually talk to me, and hadn't just tried to shock me through my governor module for being unhelpful like a lot of clients would, and had. It wouldn't have worked (clearly, that's kind of the whole problem here) but it's the thought that counts or whatever.

(She'd also saved me, back at the DeltFall habitat. I was trying not to think about that, because it was making me have emotions I couldn't handle trying to figure out right now, but she had. It had been stupid, putting her client-self in danger to try to save a SecUnit that was already half-destroyed anyway, but I still felt like it counted for something.)

I handed the chip over and tried not to sigh or visibly clench my jaw. I saw Mensah's expression, and a few of the others' too, relax on the cameras. Good to know everyone else felt better while my own anxiety levels were at an all-time high. And I'm programmed into a base level of anxiety and spend a good portion of my time getting shot at or trying to avoid being found out and scrapped, so "high" in this instance was at a level that I think might have given a fully-organic being a heart attack.

"Thank you," Mensah said, while I tried to bring my processes in line. I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen, even though I knew the air quality was fine and I don't need that much anyway. I couldn't get a full breath. "I'm sure we can clear any doubt about this soon enough. In the meantime, we still need you to help keep us safe from whoever it is that's out there. The most important thing is that we all make it out of this in one piece."

The way she said it made it sound like "all" included me as well, but I wasn't so sure I believed that, even if she did. The SecUnit is always the first thing left behind. Maybe they did things differently in whatever weird non-corporate territory these people were from, but I wasn't about to stake anything important on that assumption, even if she had saved me once. I've never been to a planet with thunderstorms, but there's some saying humans like to use about lightning not striking the same place twice - which doesn't make sense, statistically, but - whatever. You get the point. I hadn't made it this far without being found out by trusting random humans - or any humans, for that matter.

Except none of that mattered at the moment anyway, because what I should be doing was figuring out how the hell to stop all my clients figuring out I was hacked, and freaking out and stopping listening to me, or reporting me to the company, or being really stupid and trying to kill me or something. There was a not-unlikely scenario where I just murdered all of the humans and pinned the blame on the DeltFall units somehow (or just wandered off into the wilderness until my batteries ran out), but I didn't want to do that, even if it made some kind of sense. I just didn't. If I was going to go around murdering my own clients, I wanted it to at least be a group that deserved it.

I was busy trying to pick up at least some of my processes while having what was probably a panic attack (I don't know if I can have those, but that's what it felt like) when Mensah tapped my feed. Can I talk to you, please? In private?

I didn't respond quickly because, as I said, I was currently losing control of literally everything and this wasn't helping. For one horrible moment, I thought that she might have figured out everything, and I really would have to go on a rampage and kill everyone, but there was no way she could have come to that conclusion yet. Not yet.

She added, You don't have to. You're not in trouble, I just want to check in.

I tapped her feed to acknowledge. She sent, I'll be in my quarters. As I said, you don't have to, but I would appreciate it. Out loud, she said, "I'm going to take some time alone to think. I'll be in my quarters if anyone needs me."

Then she stood up, and she left. Gurathin and Pin-lee had also gone to start their analysis of the combat override module, along with Volescu. The others were talking amongst themselves, though some of them kept glancing at me, which was uncomfortable. So I walked out of the room.

I started a patrol circuit in an attempt to calm down, but it didn't help. I even tried to have Sanctuary Moon playing as I walked, but I was still as stressed as ever, so I just turned it off again. It was only a matter of time before the humans realised the module should have worked as intended, and that I'd lied, and that something was wrong with me. They might try to talk to me about it, but it was more likely they'd all start losing their minds and try to immobilise me, or kill me, or try to fix my governor module to bring me back under control. (I was pretty sure that wouldn't work, my hack was a solid one, but I still didn't want them to try.) There was also a scenario where they pretended everything was fine up until I'd gotten them out of here, and then they'd turn me over to the company and tell them everything, and the company would do one of those things I just mentioned, but much more effectively.

That last one made me feel nauseous. I'd rather be torn apart by bullets or fauna. I was contemplating what that might feel like and whether it was worth just getting it over with when I walked past Mensah's quarters. Before I could think about it, I'd pinged her feed.

There was a pause, and then she sent come in, sounding startled. She probably hadn't expected me to actually take up her offer. I hadn't either.

She was hurriedly organising her desk as the door opened and I walked in, a feed interface lopsided on her head. I suspected she might have been falling asleep in her chair or having an emotion in private when I pinged her, and I could have verified that through the security feeds, but I wasn't functioning at all optimally and didn't care enough to check. Mostly I was wondering why I was here.

"Sorry," she said, not having looked at me yet. Her short hair was mussed like she'd been pulling or scrunching her hands in it. "I honestly didn't expect you to come."

"You asked me to."

"I also told you it was optional. You can leave if you want to."

I almost did. I wanted to. I probably should have. I didn't. Mensah removed her wonky interface and set it down on the desk, then sighed and picked it back up and put it on again.

"I didn't mean to distress you with that message," she said, turning her chair to fully face me. "It's just that you seemed very rattled by all this, if you don't mind me saying. I can imagine the thought of that module having worked as intended isn't a pleasant one. Is there anything I can do to make things easier for you?"

Oh, she thought I was freaking out about the module. Well, technically she wasn't wrong, but wow, that particular aspect of things was the least of my worries right now. "I'm fine," I told her. She frowned at me.

"...I suppose you can't lie about that," she replied carefully. I could, actually, but I wasn't. The trick is that from the standpoint I was choosing to take, my physical body, AKA "me," was completely functional, AKA "fine." It's pedantic, but being selective about your definitions and what concepts your answers are referencing is how you get around having a chip in your brain that shocks the shit out of you if you try to lie to your clients, if you're good enough at it. I had a lot of experience letting clients think I was talking about one thing when I was actually talking about something else.

"Nonetheless," Mensah continued. "I don't think you are fine. And we don't have to talk about it, but I need my team in good condition if we're going to make it out of this. If there's anything I can do to help the situation, I would appreciate it if you let me know."

I was having a whole cascade of emotional responses that were all crashing into each other and getting themselves mangled together like a human vehicle accident. She wanted me to talk about my feelings, but she wasn't ordering me to. She was offering to help with whatever was distressing me, but she was a really big part of the thing that was currently my biggest source of stress. There were too many things that I needed to deal with all at once and I couldn't find a way of putting them in order, and I think the fact that Mensah was clearly trying to get a read on my expression while I didn't have the capacity to properly control it was the thing that finally broke me.

"Could you please stop looking at me?"

Mensah looked surprised for a moment, and then shifted her gaze somewhere over my left shoulder. The relief was marginal, in terms of the general situation, but it was immediate, and it helped. "Of course. I'm sorry, I didn't realise that bothered you."

I tried to think of a response, and failed. "It's not like anyone asked" was dangerously insubordinate, and didn't even make sense; I wouldn't want them to ask anyway. "People don't usually care" just sounded pathetic. "Of course you wouldn't, I actively avoid letting humans know what bothers me in case they decide to use it to make my life a living hell" was definitely off the table, for a variety of reasons.

I could tell Mensah's instinct was still to look at me, because she kept half-flicking her eyes over and stopping herself. It wasn't making trying to manage my emotional responses any easier, and I still couldn't think of a reply. Eventually, she took a deep breath.

"Look, I know you probably haven't had good experiences with humans, but we're not corporates, and we don't treat non-human entities like they do," she said. "My priority, regardless of the situation, is the wellbeing of my team, and that includes you, for as long as you're with us."

She half-looked at me again, and then shook her head slightly and pointed her gaze at the far corner. "Please, just - if you think of anything, don't hesitate. I don't know if you need permission for that kind of thing, but I'm giving it to you if you do."

I didn't know what to tell her. I didn't know if there was anything she could do. I was already stressed, and everything Mensah was saying was making me feel like my insides were melting, or turning into warm, writhing snakes. My performance reliability was all over the place, too, and had been since I found that stupid chip in my neck, which might at least marginally explain what happened next.

"Don't let them run the analysis on the module," I blurted.

Hey, murderbot? Hi, it's me, murderbot. What in the fuck are you doing?

Mensah's expression went shocked, and then cautious. Yeah, me fucking too. "Why not?"

For some reason, I kept going. It felt something like falling off the side of a cliff and hitting every rock on the way down. (That had happened to me before.) "Because I lied. It's not broken."

Her eyes widened. "You're compromised?"

"I'm hacked. My governor module isn't engaged." Sure, this might as well happen. Apparently I had lost the ability to keep my mouth shut literally at all, about anything, ever.

She stared at me for a second, and then must have remembered she said she wouldn't and looked away again. Surprising, considering I just told her that there was literally nothing stopping me from killing or otherwise hurting her if I wanted. "The DeltFall units—”

"It hasn't been engaged for approximately 35000 standard hours."

Mensah was a smart human, but it still took her a few seconds to work out the numbers. I watched her expression change as she did it. "You've been a rogue unit for four years?"

That depended on what planet you were nearest to, but in standard Earth years, that was correct, and I didn't have the capacity to be pedantic about it.

"I don't know if it counts as being rogue if you don't go around killing people for no reason."

Well, maybe I could still be a little pedantic.

#I don’t remember my fic tag hm #murderbot #The murderbot diaries #murderbot spoilers #Idk how long this bit I’ve pulled out is but I’ve written 6.5k so far….. it’s probs gonna be like 10k finished I imagine #Maybe a bit longer #If I manage to keep up the momentum to finish it lol #Edited so there’s a preview before the readmore now :v

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verycharismaticdragon · 3 years

Text

on the addition of shixiongdi relation in SHL

A lot has been said on SHL’s addition of shixiong/shidi relationship between the main couple, probably because of it being one of the most obvious and plot-influential changes the adaptation made. The opinions on it range from overwhelmingly positive to upset and disappointed; so as a preface, I want to say that this small analysis is not me trying to tell you how to feel, but rather just organizing my own thoughts and feelings on the subject. Maybe some of my musings will resonate with you, maybe not – just treat this as an opinion piece. Disagreeing with meta is just as valuable a mode of digesting it as agreeing with it, after all!

So, here’s how my experience with the addition went: despite finishing the novel way before I got anywhere close to the reveal in the show, when I initially learned about the addition (from spoilers), I wasn’t at all upset about it – I understood, or thought I understood, where it was coming from. However, after finishing the show, I found myself discontented with it.

To figure out what exactly changed my mind, I’m going to organize my thoughts the following way: start with the positives, then continue into things I'm neutral on, and then see what is left for the negative category.

(continuing under cut)

The Good

So the thing I appreciate about the addition of shixiongdi relation, and the reason I was initially completely okay with the change, is of course the way it created plausible deniability that helped the show pass c/nsorship. It allowed SHL to portray an extremely intimate and tactile relationship – while not actually adding anything that would be a detriment to romantic reading. @/hunxi-guilai already wrote about it better than I ever could (second half of the post is about SHL specifically), so I’m not going into further detail. Just going to say that in this sense, the idea is quite brilliant.

Intermission

Before I go into the next section, I want to address a certain take going around the fandom: that SHL’s addition of shixiongdi relationship makes Wen Kexing’s decision to follow Zishu in the beginning more logical than it is in the novel, since in the show it is based on him recognizing their school's qinggong. Thing is, every iteration of this take I’ve seen operates on a wrong premise: taking novel Wen Kexing on his word that he is following Zishu because of his ~beautiful shoulderblades~. I have a post that goes into more detail, but in short: he isn't. He realized that Zhou Zishu is an expert martial artist, because Zhou Zishu had listened in on him and Gu Xiang across a busy street, and became suspicious. He thus followed Zishu to figure out his identity and whether he is participating in the hunt for Lapis Armor – in other words, whether or not Zhou Zishu is a threat to his revenge plan.

So both Wen Kexings have completely reasonable motives for following Zhou Zishu, while the flirting is initially just a cover. The only thing shixiongdi relation does in the show is provide a c/nsorship-passing explanation for Wen Kexing’s insistence that Zhou Zishu has to be good-looking: he is already almost sure that ‘Zhou Xu’ is his long-lost sect brother ‘Zhou Zishu’, and so knows more or less what he should look like under the mask. Again, works to help the show with plausible deniability, which is great! But on the whole, it isn't more logical than the novel's version – just different.

The Neutral

Human mind resists change, so sometimes we think something is bad just because it diverges from what we're used to. With this section, I want to make sure I'm not condemning perfectly sensible decisions just because they contradict the novel's setup.

To properly explain my thoughts on the matter, I need to step back from shixiongdi plotline for a moment and outline the bigger picture.

Aside from specific plot points and arcs, SHL made several changes to the source material on a structural level. I already wrote about the different ways in which the two approach the past, as well as the secondary plotline from the novel becoming the main plot of the show; there are also thematic differences (very shortly: the show does not engage with, and sometimes actively contradicts, several of the themes set up in the novel; it instead creates its own thematic framework, which also isn’t backwards compatible) and the shift in approach to genre (TYK subverts wuxia conventions while SHL pays homage to them). All of those changes work to create two very different stories; which one is “better” truly just comes down to personal preference.

I, for one, prefer the novel's choices; but there's a reason this section is titled 'neutral'. You see, after putting a finger on those structural changes, I realized they weren’t a deal-breaker for my enjoyment; while they were a bit confusing when watching, I have a rough guess on why they were made, and also probably wouldn’t be put out by them alone. In other words, I’m not into them, but I’m not against them either.

So, back to shixiongdi plotline: while it wouldn’t really fit with the novel’s structure, it very much does fit with the show’s.

Main characters having a past connection would make no sense in the novel, with its focus on freeing yourself from your past (by blood if you have to), but it becomes a centerpiece in the show, which focuses on rebuilding the past better. The show creates many connections that didn’t exist in the novel (to give some examples, in TYK, neither Wen Kexing’s parents nor Zhou Zishu’s shifu are part of Rong Xuan’s friend circle, Scorpion isn’t Zhao Jing’s adopted son, and Liu Qianqiao is not one of the Ghosts), which I think is due to both the new set of themes and the genre shift – and, again, WenZhou being sect brothers fits right in with that tangle of past debts and gratitudes and para-familial relations.

And, yes, this is very different from the novel – the line that describes the main family there is “sworn ties between the great houses were no more than lies and treachery, and yet, strangers who met by chance could survive by leaning on each other”, and Zhou Zishu, Wen Kexing, and Zhang Chengling are all indeed complete strangers to each other who were brought together by mere coincidence, – but the addition is internally consistent with the story the show was intent on telling.

In that way, shixiongdi thing is but a part of a bigger package; and since I’ve already determined the whole doesn’t bother me that much, logically the small part of it shouldn’t either.

But there’s still a certain element of shixiongdi dynamic in the show that I simply can’t make peace with – one that doesn't follow from those global changes. So we come to—

The Upsetting.

What sets this element apart from the fairly massive overhaul outlined in previous section is that, while both end up contradicting things set up by the novel, for this one I couldn’t find a single plausible reason – not one that’d hold up to a moment’s examination. Changes in adaptation are par the course – the shift between media types alone ensures the adaptation can’t be 1:1 – but if they aren’t made thoughtfully and with regard to source material, then is it still an adaptation? May as well change up all the names and make it an original… To be clear, I’m not saying SHL is that far away from its source material; this is just to explain why baseless changes grate in a way reasonable ones don’t.

The thing about setting up a shixiong-shidi relationship is that it inherently creates an order of seniority. One is an elder, the other is a junior, and that, in the setting-implied Confucian society, comes with specific – different – obligations on both sides. On this base level, it seems impossible to reconcile with the novel’s dynamic, which emphasizes WenZhou seeing each other as equals; but taking into account the genre in which the show operates... Fictional martial sibling pairs have been throwing wrenches into the supposed dynamic for ages, to the point that however you spin a shixiongdi story, someone’s probably done it before.

In other words, there’s no hard and fast rule saying that a shixiongdi pair has to consist of a responsible and caring senior and a troublemaker junior in need of guidance. So SHL’s decision to portray WenZhou as such isn’t necessitated by the addition of shixiongdi dynamic; sticking closer to the novel’s characterization and dynamic would make them only slightly less typical as a shixiongdi pair, but it wouldn’t even feel like a subversion or anything. And I don’t really see this portrayal as important to the show’s thematic framework either – not in any way that couldn’t be achieved just as fine without it. In fact, the only reason I can see for it is to facilitate the, well, whole mess that was the last four episodes.

But before I get into that, let me address something else: I do understand that it’s possible the senior-junior aspect of the dynamic seemed fairly minor to some, maybe most, viewers. The reason it feels glaringly obvious to me is because it goes against something directly established in the novel.

You see, while novel WenZhou are not sect-siblings, at a certain point there is a comparison made between Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu’s shidi Jiuxiao. Except it is immediately shot down by Zhou Zishu: how could they be compared? Jiuxiao “was just a kid”, while Wen Kexing “knows what he needs to do”.

Novel Zhou Zishu sees Wen Kexing as his equal – an adult who can make his own decisions. After the final battle, Zhou Zishu even asks Wen Kexing whether he wants to be saved before treating his injuries – no matter how it’d hurt Zhou Zishu himself, to lose someone who made him want to live again, he is just that willing to respect Wen Kexing’s choice.

This respect towards one’s decisions, however, does not extend to his shidi: in Qi Ye, Zhou Zishu sends Liang Jiuxiao out of the soon-to-be besieged capital against his will. To him, Jiuxiao is a child he’s responsible for, and as an elder, he makes the decision for him – on assumption that he knows better.

In that way, SHL Zishu’s treatment of Wen Kexing is actually closer to how novel Zishu treats Jiuxiao: for example, SHL!Zishu’s decision to drug Wen Kexing to sleep while he goes off to die fighting Prince Jin's forces – despite knowing Wen Kexing would rather go with him, even if that meant death – prioritizes someone’s safety over their wishes in the exact same way sending Jiuxiao out of the capital did. And with the way the two relationships are contrasted in the novel, it really drives home that the show's dynamic is that of a senior and a junior rather than two equals.

But you may ask: doesn’t this mean that the shift in Zishu’s characterization is simply due to him ‘acting like a shixiong’ towards Wen Kexing? Isn’t this exactly the kind of reason that would justify the change? And, look, if Zhou Zishu’s behavior was the only thing that changed, I’d... probably still be a little miffed that he treats his romantic partner in a way that his novel counterpart categorizes as treating someone like a kid, but – I’d consider the choice understandable, if not one I’d personally make.

Except that still leaves changes in Wen Kexing’s portrayal, the impulsivity and lack of understanding of consequences and sometimes outright dumbness that have nothing to do with his novel counterpart. The only purpose those seem to serve is creating a dynamic of Zhou Zishu constantly having to ‘manage’ Wen Kexing and take responsibility for his actions – and don’t get me started on ‘guiding him back to the righteous path’, as I’ve said before, moral discrepancy between the two was also invented by SHL for no good reason, – casting Wen Kexing in a role of troublemaker junior.

Again, it is not as if such dynamic is inherent and immutable for shixiongdi relationship, and it runs counter to the way the relationship is established in the novel. The only reason I can see for forcing a senior-junior dynamic in this way is to set up the characterization groundwork for all the misunderstandings in the final episodes.

Wen Kexing hiding things from Zishu in a way that badly backfires, then later missing all signs of his distress, and finally sacrificing himself as a way to take responsibility for his actions but without bearing uncomfortable consequences such as having to own up for his mistakes – all of this could only work off the previously established ‘reckless, careless problem child’ portrayal.

On the other side, Zhou Zishu not assuming even for a moment that Wen Kexing knows what he’s doing during the standoff in episode 32, then hiding his shortened lifespan, then drugging Wen Kexing and going off to die on his own also would not make sense if Zhou Zishu considered Wen Kexing his equal and trusted him to make his own choices.

So, pushing the senior-junior angle helps to make the finale's characterization consistent with the rest of the show. But should it be counted as a good reason? Even among show-only fans, many were discontented with the last few episodes, to say nothing of us novel fans.

There are rumors going around that the whole mess in the finale was to create a c/nsorship-mandated bad ending; I don't know how true those might be. Wasn't there a less convoluted way to bad end the show though, one that didn't require turning the novel’s dynamic into something it explicitly wasn’t?

I mean, the simplest TYK-based BE I can think of would be to just cut to the credits before Zhou Zishu wakes up from his post-nail removal three-month coma. That’s it! If you wanna twist the knife, have Wen Kexing sit by the bed, desperately calling him and receiving no response; show that day after day is passing; you can even work in Wen Kexing’s hair turning white, implying he has greyed from worry and grief... Roll the credits without resolving it, and you get a perfectly gut-punching sad BE. Which also seamlessly transitions into the novel’s actual HE, and you can trust the novel-readers to let everyone else know that. And this is just me throwing out the first idea that came up; surely people who work within the system and know it better could find even more ways to pass the requirement without sacrificing characterization?

Considering everything outlined above, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that forcing a senior-junior angle for SHL’s shixiongdi dynamic was completely unnecessary. And with the way it overwrote the dynamic the novel set up, of equals who respect each other’s choices… yeah, it’s no wonder something bothered me. It wasn't the addition of the shixiongdi relation itself; it was just this one aspect of characterization that was taken too far.

––––––

- TYK/SHL comparisons masterpost -

#tyk shl comparisons #word of honor meta #tian ya ke meta #word of honor #woh #shan he ling #shl #tian ya ke #tyk #faraway wanderers

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adhdeancas · 3 years

Text

Dean Winchester (and the script leaks last night) possessed me to write this.

Dean happens upon Chuck's latest book: Carry On. Except it ends differently than it really went, and the ending? It's really fucking bad.

tw: suicide mention, transphobia (quickly shut the fuck down)

Dean doesn’t make a habit of going to bookstores. Not because he hates books, contrary to what Sam might think; he just prefers to buy used books. There’s something comforting about a book that has already been worn and read over and over, that already shows how much the previous owner loved it. Plus, y’know, big corporations are evil and all that. And Dean only allows himself to overlook that when his stomach or his wallet wins over his hatred of the shitty mass-produced products.

This time it was Jack who won; he’s obsessed with this new fantasy series and the new book just came out, so there’s no way he can hunt it down on Ebay. He makes his way to the fantasy and sci-fi section, eyes roaming over the displays of new releases, and his eye catches on something that turns his blood cold.

“Supernatural: Carry On, The Final Book of the Winchesters’ Epic Journey” takes up a whole table, the generic and overly serious cover jeering out at him.

He storms over to the display, anger covering up for the way his body feels light as a feather and like lead all at once, and picks up a book. “Why is Sam always fucking shirtless?” he mutters, the only thought that allows itself from the mess inside his head to his mouth.

“Book sales.” A voice behind him says. He turns to see a teenager with their arms crossed over their work polo, pierced lip fixed into a customer-unfriendly frown.

“People want to see that?”

They snort, a small grin turning up the corner of their lips. It reminds Dean of Cas. “No. But that’s what advertisers think all ‘women’ want,” They use air quotes.

He raises an eyebrow and asks. “Women?”

They shrug and uncross their arms, leaning back against the display table behind them. Their nametag says Jadyn. “Supernatural’s biggest block of readers is queer. I’d go out on a limb and say a lot of those the marketers think of as ‘women’ aren’t, or if they are, they aren’t itching to see Sam’s six pack.” Jadyn smirks.

Dean takes a second to digest that, then grins down at the book, thinking past Sam’s apparently badly-received nudity now. “So how’d they like it?” he asks, waving the book a bit and looking up at Jadyn. Apparently they know a lot about the fans of the books, and for once, he’s proud of the way the story ended.

Jadyn’s face sets into all hard lines. “Most people fucking hated it.” they say bluntly, then, probably remembering that he’s a customer, correct. “Sorry. I mean, it got some good reviews, mostly from people who like Wincest, but beyond that, it had some problematic plot points.”

Dean winces at the reminder of the ship between him and his brother, then scrunches his whole face together in confusion. “Wait, what? Why?” Why would Wincest fans like it? What was problematic about their end?

Jadyn shifts from foot to foot. “I don’t wanna spoil anything for you-”

“I don’t care about spoilers, just give me the short version.” Dean says quickly. A quiet panic is rising in him, and suddenly he has a horrible feeling that he’s not holding the truth in his hands anymore.

“Uh, okay… Well, the most obvious thing is the bury-your-gays thing, then there’s the fact that it completely contradicted the rest of the lore. And it was ableist, misogynistic, and messed up, like, every character’s arc.” they take a breath, clearly worked up by it. “Even if they changed any of the details too, it was all built on Dean’s death, and that’s just bullshit. Sorry.” they apologize again, apparently mistaking Dean’s stricken expression to be in reaction to their rant and swearing.

“No, nah, you’re… you’re okay. Uh, thanks.” he waves a hand and wanders away from them, only remembering Jack’s book when he’s almost to the register. He manages to make his way back and find the damn thing, but he’s still in a fog when he gets to the register.

“Did anyone help you in the store today?”

“Huh?” he looks up and meets the middle-aged cashier’s gaze for the first time. Brent, from the nametag, looks at him impatiently. “Oh, yeah, uh… Jadyn. Jadyn helped me.” Brent scoffs and starts typing with a shake of the head. “Uh, is there a problem?” Dean asks, a little annoyed at this cashier’s unnecessary attitude. He usually doesn’t care if an employee’s rude, because they have to deal with assholes all the time and honestly Dean isn’t much better, but this one gives him a bad feeling.

“No, no, sorry. It’s just - “Jadyn’s” got this idea that he’s a girl. Makes everybody call him that name now too. Just-” Brent shakes his head. “I mean, you get it. Their generation, everybody wants to be special.”

Dean glares. “No, I don’t get it, Brent.” He says through gritted teeth. “Seems to me like Jadyn probably deals with enough assholes like you that her asking for a little basic decency is the exact opposite of special. Sounds pretty normal, actually.” He can see the fear creep into Brent’s eyes, and he knows the cashier is reacting to the murderous look in his eyes more than his actual words.

Brent hands Dean his bag of books with a quiet, “Here you go.”

Dean snatches it away. “Oh, Brent?” he checks over his shoulder to make sure they’re alone and then leans across the counter into Brent’s space. “You should find a new job, one where you don’t have to interact with other people. At least until you learn how to stop being a piece of shit.” He starts to ease away but thinks better about it. “And if you think that’s a suggestion, it’s not. My husband likes this book coming out next month that I’ll need to buy, and if I see you here when I come, well… it would be really embarrassing for you to tell all your little friends that you got your ass beat by a ‘special’ guy, huh?” He pats Brent on the cheek condescendingly and leaves with a huff.

Damn transphobes.

He only remembers the book once he’s back in Baby, and he takes the time to drive out of town before he pulls over to read it. It’s an old abandoned church, the cross long since fallen from the roof and the doors hanging off their hinges. He sits on the steps just because being in Baby seems claustrophobic for once in his life, and going back to the bunker to look at this is just… not happening.

Dean only skims the beginning to see that it starts the same. The ground erupting with bodies, hell spitting out its most-conveniently placed nasties, Rowena sacrificing herself, Cas leaving. His throat closes up at that, at Chuck’s description of Cas’s heartbroken expression as he climbs the stairs of the bunker. He clears his throat and skips to the end, right past Cas’s death that he doesn’t have the time to think about right now, past them defeating Chuck and then stops. He goes back a few pages, trying to find the disconnect.

The story’s different.

After Jack takes on God’s power, in the book, he’s totally fine. Not almost vibrating out of his skin or anything, not crying like the three year old he is because he’s scared. Not like it really happened. He just smiles and leaves him and Sam, and they let him go.

Dean scoffs, skimming over the story as it just gets more ridiculous.

In the book, he doesn’t even try to save Cas. They barely even mention him. And they never mention Eileen, either. In fact, Dean notes disbelievingly, practically the only characters in the last few chapters are him and Sam. They’re hunting again.

“What, is Chuck trying to keep the series going?” he whispers to himself, anger flaring through him. They let Chuck live, and he decided to write obnoxious fanfiction about them? He’s gonna kill that shameless little fucker. For real, this time. He deserves it.

In the book, Sam and Dean torture some vampire mime, and they enjoy it. Dean cringes; this is really what Chuck thinks of them. Then they tussle with more vamps in a barn and-

Dean’s brain stops working. He rereads the scene again and again.

“There’s something in my… something in my back. It feels like it’s right through me.”

Dean Winchester dies in a dirty barn, on a piece of freaking rebar.

More than that, Dean realizes on his fourth read-through. This Dean? He tried to drag out his speech, Dean can tell by the way he pauses for fucking drama. He would never do that. He would never talk to Sam for fifteen hellish minutes when he could be trying. Trying to live, so he can actually get his life back on track, get his family back. No, he made that speech stalling. He made that speech so Sam wouldn’t try to save him.

“You gotta admit, I had one helluva ride.” He was strangely calm.

Chuck made him kill himself.

Dean reads the rest of the book through blurry eyes, reading an ambiguous and nothing-ending, one where he’s somehow happy to be dead and driving around in heaven alone while Sam raises a kid into hunting and cries about Dean decades after he’s died. Eileen isn’t mentioned. Cas is mentioned once, and Bizzarro-Dean doesn’t even think about seeing him, apparently. The whole book ends with a hug between him and Sam, both dead. Both alone.

Dean rips the ending up. He tears through the stupid paper covering and keeps ripping the pages up until they’re the size of confetti. His lower lip wobbles. He throws the whole thing against the side of the building, and it tumbles through the broken doorway and drops into a pile of dust and dirt. “That isn’t the fucking ending.” he grounds out, knocking his hand against the flimsy handrail. It gives a little under his fist and he kicks at it. “That isn’t the fucking ending!”

He’s having a panic attack. Again. He tries to take deep breaths, but they’re gulping, too big, they’re making him panic more. He scrambles back to Baby and grabs his phone, presses the first number on his favorites list and waits for him to answer on speaker phone.

“Hey Dean, what’s up?” Sam sounds like he’s been laughing. There are voices in the background, and Dean tries to convince himself one of them is Eileen.

“Hey Sammy.” he chokes out, trying to sound normal. “You busy?”

There’s a pause, and then the sounds in the background. “Nah, Rowena’s just over.” he says casually.

“So those voices in the background were-”

“Rowena and Eileen, yeah. They’re trying to convince me we need to go to Mexico. For the beaches.” A smile in his voice. Dean lets out a sigh of relief. What’s up, Dean? You need something?” The smile drops, and Sam’s worried.

Sam’s okay. Sam’s okay. “No, nah. Hey, you heard from Donna lately?” Dean just needs to triple-check.

“Uh, no, not since Sunday dinner… Dean, you okay?”

“Yeah, she just- she hasn’t been answering my texts. Just wanted to make sure.” Dean lies quickly. His breathing is still uneven, but his body is settling into uneven shakes.

Sam sounds skeptical. “Yeah, well, she did tell us it’s been pretty busy at work lately. Y’know, everybody going out for the first time with COVID, getting stupid. Plus, y’know, nowhere’s drowning in EMTs right now.”

“Right. Yeah.” Dean takes a deep breath, a distant memory of Donna talking about that coming back to him.

“Pretty sure you were setting up a D&D session with Charlie while she was talking about that,” Sam laughs. Dean knows he means it as a subtle jab, but there’s too much relief flooding through him to care. Still, a string is pulled taut in him, and Sam can’t fix that completely.

“Gotta go, Sam,” Dean hangs up before Sam can say anything else, and goes to his next contact. It rings for far too long, and Dean’s heartbeat picks back up to thundering.

“Hello, Dean.”

“Cas,” Dean breathes out. “Cas, you know I love you, right?” He needs to test all the bounds of this, to make sure, just to make sure. Make sure Chuck isn’t still fucking with him. Because apparently, Chuck won’t let him be queer. Not in his story. Not out loud.

He can hear Cas’s eyebrow raise through the phone, and his chest is overcome with stupid fondness. “I would be a little worried if you didn’t.”

Dean grins widely. “Like, romantically. I’m in love with you. Because you’re the love of my life and I’m bisexual.” He says it all like it’s a checklist, like he expects some cosmic being to slap a hand over his mouth before he gets each next phrase out.

“Yes, Dean. We’ve been married almost two months.” Cas is smiling. It happens everytime he talks about their wedding. Dean adores it. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, now it is.” His whole body relaxes, still vibrating with leftover panic, but satisfied. “I got Jack’s book.”

“Oh, good. He’ll be so pleased.” Cas pauses. “Dean, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Dean eases off the ground and sends a last look at the dilapidated church before climbing into Baby. “Just- read a bad book. I’ll tell you about it later. When I get home.”

#i fixed it #god fucking damn it #dean winchester #destiel #saileen #saileena #sam winchester #castiel #eileen leahy #castiel winchester #jack kline #roweena #my writing #ficlet #deancas #trans dean #trans woman OC #tw: transphobia #tw: suicide mention

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ramuoto · 4 years

Text

TOP 10 MANHWAs

if anything good came out of 2020, it’s my discovery of manhwas.

well, it’s not like i’ve never read a single manhwa in the past 15+ years but tbh, the ratio of manhwa:manga i consume on a weekly basis has jumped exponentially this year. previously it was like 1:99 and now it’s like 90:10 LMAO.

so, just to remind myself that the world is still full of good things, i had to make this list. which i will probably edit in the future, if i can be bothered to. :)

anyhow, this list was not made in any particular order, just whichever came into mind. it’s loooong so be prepared! (I’ve read way more titles than mentioned but just included the ones worth checking out)

for whoever stumbles across this list, i hope some of these resonate with you and i hope they make you as happy as they made me.

pic credits: https://geekculture.co/geeks-guide-to-transmigration-novels-avoid-death-at-all-costs/

1. Ebony

https://mangadex.org/title/41838/ebony

Bahahah omg he looks evil there! But our dearest archduke is hardly that aww. Soz, I just ripped off the covers of the manhwa cos I can’t find a panel I liked more than another. I mean, this manhwa is a GEM. I can’t even begin to describe this because everything about it blew me away. This is not something you read when you are craving for fluff, or just wanna have something brainless after a hard day at work or if you just wanna have some eye candy lol. This is something you pick up on a weekend, when you have time, because you need those hours to digest, appreciate, clutch your chest, tear a little because you find yourself falling in love with these characters. It doesn’t have any of that cliche isekai, romance, revenge themes going on. It has a solid plot, backed by incredible characters, beautifully woven by the authors and artist with incredible pacing that keeps you on your toes and keeps you looking forward to the next chapter. Maybe I would have been happier if I found it after it was completed lol. HAVE I CONVINCED YOU ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU WANNA READ IT?! like, idk, just go. JUST GO READ IT GDI.

p.s. it says there romance but naaaaaaah, dont go in with that expectation. :) this story is so much more than that.

2. Bring the love

https://mangadex.org/title/44472/bring-the-love

This...this!!! THIS MANHWA NEEDS MORE LOVE. If you need a lot of fluff, a little, ok maybe quite a bit of sadness and tragedy, sweet sweet romance, cutie pies, please, look no further!!! Again, pacing, character development are so important to me and this manhwa aces it. I love the 2 MCs very much. And the side characters too. :)

3. A Stepmother's Märchen

https://mangadex.org/title/39474/a-stepmother-s-m-rchen

When I first read this, i fucking cried. like please don’t ask me why. it’s not like its an absolute tragedy but I was just rooting for the MC so much and I really want for everything to go her way. That’s how much I adore this MC!!! I LOVE HER. I LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU DO NORA! HAHAHHA. okay soz. I need to keep this spoiler-free.

Anyhoo, there is nothing typical about this time travel plot. Sure, she goes back to try to undo the stuff that went wrong but phew, she certainly changed things so much everything that comes her way have made it so her previous experiences can hardly help aaaaaaand that’s what makes it fun! I sometimes wish the pacing could be a little more consistent, and there could be more characters I could love a little more wholeheartedly (so i wont have to be in so much despair when i read this sometimes lol) but omg the art, isn’t it pretty?! I’ve re-read this soooooo many times but the art blows me away all the time. And have I already mentioned how much I love her?! I LOVE YOU SHULI! AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY!

4. Lady Baby

https://mangadex.org/title/34691/lady-baby

I literally LOL-ed when I saw this cover. WHO THE HELL ARE THEY. WHAT LADY BABY?! ehehehe. okay anyway, uhm, this is already incredibly popular. im not sure if i need to elaborate but yes, it’s adorbs!!! i dont think i like the MC as much as i love her family lol. and everyone else who adores her. im looking forward to when they get older. :) actually not really. please stay cute for as long as yall can! but yeah, i do wish the plot can move a lil faster. i want to see more character development in the other kids too COME ON!

5. Death Is the Only Ending for the Villainess

https://mangadex.org/title/47754/death-is-the-only-ending-for-the-villainess

am i allowed to reveal how shallow i am rn? like the previous choices were all like ‘wow-deep-plot’, ‘wow-character-development’ and this one i just included cos of AESTHETICS ALONE?! the novel covers are breathtaking!!! the manhwa art is amazing as well. and the harem is great! LOL. as for plot... uhm... it’s alright. it’s pretty engaging and i quite like the MC, she’s smart and independent and i love how she views them all antagonistically at all times HAHAHHA. her past is kinda... weird though and i do wish they’d stop referencing it. cos... girl why do you wanna go back to reality!!! stay here! it’s way more exciting!

i love the whole isekai/reincarnate/transmigration theme and this is honestly one of the better, not-so-cliche or cheesy ones HA.

6. Beware of the Villainess!

https://mangadex.org/title/47286/beware-of-the-villainess

do you already see the whole villainess theme?! am i suppose to start feeling embarrassed about my choices?! NO! cos this one is AWESOME!

again, another wildly popular title. for good reasons. it’s hilarious, our MC is as real and candid as it gets and LOOK AT THAT BLUE HAIRED BEAUTY. DO YOU SEE HIM?! IMPLANT HIM INTO YOUR MEMORY NOW!

it’s highly entertaining and breaks all isekai-reincarnation-villainess plot stereotypes. definitely one of the titles i look forward to every week.

7. Who Made Me a Princess

https://mangadex.org/title/32506/who-made-me-a-princess

what? why did i choose this?

BECAUSE OF CLAUDE OF COURSE. ahahaha. okay aside from the amaaaaaaazing art and the beautiful people, the plot is not too bad. a little extreme at times but it’s interesting enough to keep me going. it’s currently on hiatus though and i was highly annoyed by how the first season ended. (YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HAPPENED? NOTHING.)

i hope the plot can move faster in the next season! and that our dearest MC athanasia can you know, finally be a little more useful... like omg just tell lucas already!!! and tbh girl, no matter which guy you choose, i approve. :D

8. The Flower That Was Bloomed by a Cloud

https://mangadex.org/title/37648/the-flower-that-was-bloomed-by-a-cloud

i featured this before, mostly out of frustration HAHAHA. do you see why i chose this cover?! yeah, i support this (unpopular) pairing okay! the other one is doomed!!! no matter what the author is trying to do now!! I DONT SUPPORT IT!!! lol.

anyway, i had to feature this cos the art is unique! and the story is great. :) and i looooooove listening to the ost while i read it. it starts out kinda slow but as the pace picks up, you won’t be able to stop. and you find yourself conflicted at various points. it did win an award for a reason.

no matter what, i still think dowun is best for her okay. it’s dowun or nothing. he’s devoted to her, we all know that! he just needs to ditch that annoying female guard!!! ok yknw what, maybe nothing is better. :/ *cries*

9. Solo Leveling

https://mangadex.org/title/31477/solo-leveling

why do i even bother? this manhwa is popular enough.

the art is great. the MC is great. i use him and his gang as my wallpaper.

im just not sure i like how this season’s plot is progressing. :/ but i guess it brings us nearer to solving the mystery in the first leg of the manhwa. i just enjoyed the whole part of him leveling up and now that he isn’t really leveling up anymore... idk. am i hoping for more plot shit like bleach (oh wow now u quincy?)... idk man. anywho, no regrets starting on this series and marathon-ing it to death.

cross fingers the plot picks up and doesnt get too complicated for its own good.

10. The Reason Why Raeliana Ended Up at the Duke's Mansion

https://mangadex.org/title/31606/the-reason-why-raeliana-ended-up-at-the-duke-s-mansion

okay, tbh, by the time i reached 10, i still have like 15 other series i was considering LMAO. i even considered lengthening this top 10 to top 15. but that would just be more of me and my nonsense. so... why did i choose this?

COS I LOVE THE 2 MCs!!! they’re adorable. the plot is again, kinda far-fetched at times (i literally laugh my head off at some parts) but it’s isekai-reincarnation okay! anything is possible in whatever magical crap country you end up in! lol. and i like how straightforward it is... in the sense there’s no 2nd lead. like okay i mean they are there but we all know they have no chance. oops. sorry!

and cos i can’t give up on the other titles i have, imma just list them down, without pictures... cos im tired. HA.

11. Doctor Elise

https://mangadex.org/title/29474/doctor-elise

Kudos to the huge improvement in art style lmao. The good... lovable MCs, engaging plot. The bad... sometimes lengthy, incredulous medical moments (i work in the medical field so i... idk. sometimes this borders on iryu LMAO and i need to remind myself this is romance) otherwise, this is a highly highly entertaining read.

12. Seduce the Villain's Father

https://mangadex.org/title/46775/seduce-the-villain-s-father

This is another of my ‘father-love’ whims. MC is adorable and ML is handsome. enough said.

13. The Villainess Lives Twice

https://mangadex.org/title/49644/the-villainess-lives-twice

This is like a lesser version of Ebony and Bring the Love combined HAHAHA. The plot and premise is great and it’s awesome to marathon! I don’t find myself loving the MC as much as I should but the ML is a darling! I just find her a little toooooooo gloomy. Like come on girl, be more spunky!

14. The Stereotypical Life of a Reincarnated Lady

https://mangadex.org/title/46790/the-stereotypical-life-of-a-reincarnated-lady

I dont know why I like this so much HAHAHAHA. It hardly has a plot. I just find the MC and ML amusing i guess lol.

15. I'm Stanning the Prince

https://mangadex.org/title/45586/i-m-stanning-the-prince

Sometimes I wonder if I should be ranking this higher but I kinda feel this manhwa is trying to achieve too much with an underpowered MC. I love her... but I just don’t like how she’s just a pawn of everyone else and I dont know how she can change this situation of hers. It’s cute though. the MC and ML. and the ML reminds me so much of american/jap Mackenyu.

16. The Villainess Reverses the Hourglass

I HAD TO. the art is so pretty! but girl, dont use the hour glass so much! you look a little too old! i would appreciate it if MC stops basing too much of her moves on the “past” tho like idk you are gonna sound unoriginal soooooon like develop your own thoughts soon okay? <3

17. Inso's Law

ANOTHER ONE. omg. im a lil on the fence regarding this but i like MC too much. and her harem LOL. i dont see where the plot is going either but i just hope for a happy end... ):

18. Why Are You Doing This, Duke?

HAHAHA. this is sooooo sooooooo cute, i would have ranked it top 15 if it wasnt licensed by tapas tho cos they are a joke. WHY NOT TAPPY GDI.

19. Miss Not-So Sidekick

Uh-oh. Is this a top-20 list now? anyway, the MC for this series is GOLD. im not liking where it’s currently heading tho thus the lower ranking.

20. IRIS - Lady with a Smartphone

omg IVE NEGLECTED THIS FOR TOO LONG. lemme go buy more chapters hahahaha. it’s a tad too lengthy... otherwise i like the MC and yummy ML!

still not enough?

Special Mentions - Okay, these will be unranked cos I don’t think these are that good but probably still worth a read.

I've Become the Villainous Empress of a Novel - this is new, im looking forward to how it progresses wheeeee.

Lady to Queen - It’s a ruthless manhwa. There was a point i started reading all sorts of sadistic content (i was running out of content i swear) and this was one of the better ones. I appreciate the MC very much. the plot now is a little weird and im a bit wary of the MC’s sister... hopefully the ML can be more useful. he’s pitiful though. but dude come on, dont rely on the wrong gal.

Goodbye, In-law - I’m not sure if i like the current progress buuuuuuut MC and ML are cute so who cares.

The Duchess' 50 Tea Recipes - plot is still engaging. MC and ML are cute. i dont know where the plot is heading towards though.

A Falling Cohabitation - this is interesting and fun but a lil lengthy.

Light and Shadow - the sequel is out!!! i highly enjoyed this entire series!!! i would have probably ranked it a lil higher if i did this post earlier but too many series have overtaken this in my heart lol.

This Girl Is a Little Wild - is the hiatus ending yet? i would add it back to top 20 if it came back LOL. it’s highly entertaining tho. ML is adorable.

The Duchess With an Empty Soul - pretty nice. MC and ML are a little boring. i think it can end soon. LMAO.

A Capable Maid - it’s amusing how she gets her powers for all sorts of situations lol. the prince is creepy tbh. and im secretly rooting for the other king hehe.

Beware of the Brothers! - it’s cute and heart-wrenching at the same time! not too sure im digging the latest plot development but okay... i’ll take it. they’re all cuties.

Living as the Tyrant's Older Sister - hehehe. it’s cute. duke is kinda silly but the latest chapter made me squeal!!!

The Evil Lady's Hero - idk where the plot is going but MC and ML are adorable!!!

The Dragon Next Door - HAHAHA. it’s hilarious.

The Youngest Princess - she’s growing uppppp noooooooooooo

Virtues of the Villainess - ginger is hilarious. i dont see where the plot is going tho... and cant say i like the ML yet. i dont even get to see him much, hello?!

The Justice of Villainous Woman - pretty wholesome... i like the MC! (the ML is fine. no one else to contend with so...) can u end already?! lol.

Amina of the Lamp - hey, what happened to this? it’s pretty inconsistent but i do like the MC and ML... and the art...

The Villain's Savior - this is some sadistic shit. i reserve it for when i feel sadistic. i pretty much wanna see MC happy but idk if she’s making the right choices. :/

I Don't Want to Be Empress! - HAHAHAHA uhm it’s getting interesting. i just want ML to step up more...

La dolce vita di Adelaide - I FINISHED THIS! and it’s wholesome, feel-good and cute. some parts felt a lil extra but ah whatever.

The Black Haired Princess - plot. move. faster!!! otherwise the MC and ML are pretty cute.

The Abandoned Empress - im a lil on the fence but i know how popular this series is. it started out HORRIBLE. i hated the ML so much. and then i found the green hair boy creepy. like MC, you need better taste in boys. it’s certainly getting more interesting now though. so please, continue to make my money’s worth!!!

Lucia - i. am. not. guilty. of. anything. *smut warning* anyway go read the novel. it’s better. hehehe.

What's Wrong with Secretary Kim - i do not need to elaborate any further.

Past loves

I created this section just to remind myself, that what i could like one day, i could hate the next LOL.

The Monster Duchess and Contract Princess - I know this is wildly popular. but i lost interest in it once she grew up. i dont think she’s particularly lovable. soz.

Survive as the Hero's Wife - another popular choice. I find the plot kinda boring now. MC and ML are cute though.

Sincerely: I Became a Duke's Maid - another popular one. again, boring plot. like cant it end yet? oh you mean we need to wait for the real female lead to show up? dont need luh.

I Am a Child of This House - wow. the plot is shit now. and i do not support the MC and her guard. soz. she’s OVERPOWERED tbh.

This Is an Obvious Fraudulent Marriage - idk what happened but my enthusiasm for this died.

Charlotte and Her 5 Disciples - i don’t get it. i dont get their obsession for her.

#manhwa #fav manhwa #ebony #bring the love #a stepmother's marchen #lady baby #death is the only ending for the villainess #beware of the villainess #who made me a princess #the flower that was bloomed by a cloud #solo leveling #the reason why raeliana ended up at the duke's mansion

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mmmleckerlecker · 3 years

Text

Heart Pangs - A Single Condition (Part 10/70)

Read this story on Wattpad - Read this story on Ao3

Table of Contents - First part - Previous part - Next part

Summary: Felix struggles to deal with the fallout of illegally consuming an innocent prey.

Contents (WARNING FOR MAJOR SPOILERS): hunger; some fearplay; minor injuries; vore - m/m, size difference, post-vore, digestion mentions, fatal mentions, non-fatal, regurgitation

Wordcount: 4,402

* * * * * * * * * *

Felix opens his eyes. He feels strange, sore and sluggish, although he doesn’t know why. He tries to roll over then stops as a foreign weight impedes him. His hand flies to his belly and everything comes rushing back.

Did he do it? Is it all over? He sits up, suddenly wide awake. At the sudden change, there’s a flurry of movement from within him. Felix didn’t know he could feel any worse.

He didn’t do it.

Felix buries his face in his hands. What is he supposed to do now?

Before he can think, he’s pushing himself to his feet. He wobbles when he stands, forgetting how to balance the extra weight, forgetting how much it hurts. Then he’s grabbing a change of clothes and going into his bathroom. He feels dirty and he needs to think. He knows what he needs to do.

He stops when he sees himself in the mirror. He hasn’t done that yet, he realizes. He hasn’t looked at himself. He watches his reflection touch a hand to his belly. It looks unreal, monstrous, but also somewhat nice, attractive even.

Felix turns away with a grimace. What is he thinking?

He turns the shower on as hot as he can stand and lets it run down his skin. He wonders if his prey can feel it too.

His prey. What is he going to do about his prey? The whole point of falling asleep was so he wouldn’t have to feel his prey digesting. That didn’t work, and now he wants even less to spend the rest of his day, pretending everything is normal while his body slowly kills an innocent man.

For a wild moment, Felix thinks maybe he can just release the man, get rid of the problem entirely. But there’s the risk of being reported. And his parents, what would they say? His mother had been so excited. Surely she and his father would be disappointed in him if he didn’t do it, maybe even mad. Felix can’t bear the thought of it.

But doing nothing isn’t an option. Looking in the mirror has just proven that Felix can’t hide his prey. Going out in public like this would be just as bad for Felix as letting the prey man go. Maybe even worse.

Felix steps out of the shower, towels off, then dresses, although the doesn’t bother with a shirt. He doesn’t have clothing made for consuming, though he’s sure his father will insist on changing that after all this.

He sits on the closed toilet, one hand on his belly, feeling like he’s figured nothing out.

He wonders what the prey man has been thinking for all of this. Probably confused as to why he‘s still alive, Felix thinks. He’s been in there for over twelve hours now. Most likely he‘s more than uncomfortable. He’s probably hungry, Felix thinks offhand. The idea of hunger suddenly seems so distant to him. He hasn’t felt hunger since consuming the man, Felix realizes with a start. He doesn’t remember the last time he didn’t feel hungry.

He suddenly feels much worse for the prey man. Felix knows what it’s like to be hungry and confused. He wouldn’t wish that upon anyone else.

He straightens. But what if he does? What if he just... let’s the man die of natural causes. Then digesting him wouldn’t feel so terrible.

Felix is disgusted by himself and dismisses the thought as soon as he has it. Sure, digesting something that wasn’t alive would make him feel better, but it would take days for the man to die on his own and Felix would be privy to each twitch of pain and struggle of protest during those passing days. Not only that, but he knows from health class that it’s not great for a pred to have deceased prey in their belly. Besides, he’s already sick of having to deal with his prey. He wants a solution that will get rid of him as soon as possible.

Felix glances at the bathtub, still coated in droplets from his shower. There is one way, he realizes, to get rid of his prey immediately.

He stands before he realizes what he’s doing. This is exactly the method he’s been holding back on. The one that he’s decided is too risky. But he’s getting desperate. At this point, he almost would rather deal with the fallout than continue like this.

He makes a decision.

He leans forward, clutching the edge of the bathtub. He’s not really sure how to do this, but then again, he thought the same yesterday just before shoving his prey down his throat. He hopes this will be similar.

He contracts his stomach as tight as he can. He can feel his prey press against him, panicked by the suddenly tight space. Felix squeezes his eyes shut as he feels the shape of his prey being pushed back up his throat. He almost gags but stops himself.

The prey doesn’t make it all in one go. Instinctively, Felix’s stomach muscles clench again, rolling and pushing his prey upward. The sensation is awful. It hurts nearly as bad as consuming the man but this time Felix doesn’t enjoy the pain at all. It takes several more heaves before he feels the man pressing at the back of his throat, forcing his jaw wide once more.

Felix hunches forward and lets the man fall slowly into the bathtub, crumbling into an unruly heap. Felix can feel the hollowness of his stomach deepen impossibly with each inch of the man that leaves it.

When the man is finally fully in the tub, Felix feels a wracking pain all though his core. It’s terrible. It makes him double over. He’s never felt an emptiness like this before. It’s enough to make him want to grab the man and shove him right back down his throat. But he doesn’t. He can’t go through that again.

Tears form at the corners of Felix’s eyes as he squeezes them shut. He keeps expecting the pain to pass but it comes over him in waves, making him nauseous, like he has to vomit, which if he didn’t hurt so much, he would find ironic.

Finally, after a minute of gasping ragged breaths, Felix is able to compose himself enough to stand up straight again. The first thing he does is look at his prey who, he quickly corrects himself, is no longer his prey. It’s just a man. A man who surprisingly hasn’t said anything the whole time Felix has been bent over in pain.

Felix’s breath catches in his throat as he finally takes in the sight of the man. He looks awful. He’s soaking wet, his skin is covered in burns, and his clothes are discolored and fraying. Felix knows now why the man hasn’t said anything. His eyes are closed. He hasn’t even moved.

Panic flares and a river of thoughts rush though Felix’s mind. Did he start digesting the man after all? No, he was definitely alive and moving just a minute ago. Did Felix somehow kill him during regurgitation? What was he supposed to do with a dead prey in his bathtub? He knew he had just thought digesting a dead prey would be easier, but he doesn’t want to consume the man again if he’s not alive. That feels... wrong. How is he supposed to tell his parents all this? Surely his father will be disappointed. This never would have never happened if Felix had just done what his father would have wanted and digest. Maybe he’d even be forced to consume the man as punishment.

Then Felix sees the man’s chest rising and falling, and all his thoughts grind to a halt. The man is alive.

As his heart rate drops to normal, Felix begins thinking logically again. The man is burned from the general acids in Felix’s stomach. Not because Felix started digestion. He knows this. He’s learned and re-learned it all in every bio and anatomy class he’s taken. And most likely Felix’s struggle to get the man back up again was what caused him to become unconscious. It’s not uncommon in newly practicing preds.

Felix sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He hates that he’s just thought of himself as “newly practicing.”

He needs to get the man out of here, to safety. Who knows how this would end if his parents walked in. He also needs to come up with a way to keep the man quiet... and fast.

Felix grabs a shirt from the ground, pulls it on, and waits another few moments for the man to awaken. When that doesn’t happen, he grabs the shower head and turns the water on. At least he can wash the remaining acid off the man. That can’t be too pleasant.

The man doesn’t stir at first. Felix is half finished before the man’s eyes fly open. Felix freezes. The man looks at him, eyes wide and red-rimmed. Then the man’s gazes flicks to the closed bathroom door. Then back to Felix. Then back to the door.

Felix realizes what the man’s planning just before he acts.

“No, don’t!” Felix grabs the man halfway through him springing out of the tub and shoves him back in.

The man opens his mouth to scream but Felix slaps a hand over his mouth to stop him.

For several long moments, Felix pins the man down into the tub in a silent struggle, ignoring the water from the shower head flying into his face, hoping the thumping of the man’s thrashings don’t alert his parents.

“Listen to me,” Felix hisses as loud as he dares. “I’m not going to hurt you, but you need to stop struggling and shut up before my parents hear you and come up. I have no idea what they’ll do you if they find you, and I can’t guarantee they won’t hurt you if they do.”

The man hesitates for a moment. Then he’s grabbing at Felix’s hands and trying to peel them off. Felix grinds his teeth together.

Then there’s a knock on the door.

Both he and the prey man freeze.

“Felix, dear?” Felix’s mother’s voice says from the other side of the door. “Are you alright in there? I thought I heard something.”

Felix looks at the prey man who’s gone completely solid and unmoving in his grip. The man’s eyes are wide and stare at Felix in terror.

Felix shakes his head, hoping the man will know it means not to move.

“I’m fine, Mother,” Felix calls back. For once, he’s glad the water is still running. “Just taking a shower. Knocked some bottles over.”

Felix risks removing the hand holding the man down and pressing a finger to his lips. The man nods in understanding, his eyes still shining. Slowly, Felix removes his other hand from the man’s mouth. The man doesn’t make a sound.

From the other side of the door, Felix’s mother laughs. “Oh, believe me I understand that. I remember how clumsy I used to be with a full belly when I first started consuming too. I hope your night went alright? I hope your first prey didn’t give you too much trouble?”

Felix feels his cheeks grow hot as the man eyes him.

“It went great, Mother,” he lies through his teeth. “The prey was amazing.”

The prey man very visibly swallows.

“That’s wonderful,” Felix’s mother responses, the delight clear in her voice. “I’ll leave you be then.”

“Of course,” Felix calls back. “Thanks for checking in.”

Felix holds his breath, making sure his mother is really gone. When he’s sure she is, he lets it all out, allowing his shoulders to relax.

He looks at the prey man who hasn’t moved since his mother knocked. Felix doesn’t know what to say so he reaches over to finally turn off the water. The man twitches away at the movement and Felix freezes mid-reach.

“I’m just turning off the water,” he says gently. He doesn’t wait for the man to respond. Thankfully the man doesn’t flinch again as Felix reaches past him. Felix tries not to look his way. He can feel the man’s gaze burning into him.

When the water finally dies, Felix crouches back and lets himself kneel beside the tub. He’s soaking wet and is now harboring a stranger in his bathroom.

“You’re just a kid,” the man speaks at last, sounding taken aback.

Felix straightens, suddenly indignant. He’s held this man’s life in his hands since last night and the first thing he does is call him a child?

“I’ll be eighteen in a few months,” Felix huffs.

The man just looks at him in disbelief. “I thought you were going to digest me,” he breathes.

Felix clenches his jaw, his indignation giving way to discomfort. ”I thought I was too,” he murmurs.

The man draws a quick breath. “Why didn’t you?”

Felix meets the man’s eyes for the first time. The man retracts ever so slightly but doesn’t turn away.

“I was afraid,” Felix whispers honestly.

The man is silent for a long time. He looks like he’s thinking something over. Then he says, “You didn’t seem afraid last night when you attacked me.”

Felix looks away. “I don’t know what I was thinking last night,” he mutters. “I— I wasn’t thinking. Just acting.”

He hears the prey man lean forward slightly. “Your mother called me your first prey. Is that true?”

Felix nods. He feels like he’s in trouble despite the situation. And now that the initial panic is over, the hunger clawing at his stomach begins making its way to the forefront of his mind again.

“So what was it that made you act that way?” the man prods. “If you’ve never done it before, what changed?”

Felix turns back to the man. His face is serious, like he genuinely wants to know.

Felix swallows. “I’m just—” his voice cracks unexpectedly and he starts again. “I’m just so hungry. All the time.” The words come out almost like a whine. His throat is tight and he fears he might break. He’s never actually admitted any of this out loud before, he realizes. And now he’s unloading it on this prey man he almost killed.

Felix jams his fist into his gut, trying to smother the pain there that only makes him feel worse. “It hurts,” he whispers, dropping his eyes to the ground. He doesn’t want to see how the man is looking at him now. “It hurts so much. And— and Benji.... just being around him... it makes it so much worse.”

From the corner of his eye, Felix sees the man straighten, his interest clearly piqued.

“Who’s Benji?” the man questions.

Felix risks looking back to the man. He’s actually leaning forward now, like he’s invested in the conversation, like he actually cares about Felix. He’s not, Felix knows. He’s sure the man will say or do anything if he thinks it will get him out of that room alive, but Felix has already invested in the conversation so he responds, “He’s my best friend.”

The man’s brow furrows.

“He’s a prey,” Felix continues. He nods towards the man. “Like you.”

The man blinks in surprise. “Your best friend is a prey?”

After what Felix has just done to the man, he doesn’t blame him for being surprised.

Felix nods. “Yeah. We’ve known each other since kindergarten. Before... well, before we knew about all this.” He gestures vaguely but he’s sure the man knows he’s referring to consuming. “I thought we’d be able to stay friends. I didn’t feel like this towards him in middle school. But the past few years... it just keeps getting worse. Every time I’m around him it’s all I can think of. And, at night, it’s all I dream of. I’m—“ Felix feels himself choke up again but forces himself to calm down. “I hate myself for it,” he finally manages to spit. “I’m ashamed and afraid to hurt him every time I see him. But I can’t tell him I feel that way. I can never.... If he knows, if he looks at me with fear or the same disgust I feel more myself.....” Felix shakes his head.

The man keeps quiet and Felix risks a glance at him. He finds the man looking at him with a strange expression, which only serves to make him feel worse.

Felix lets out a bitter laugh. “Yeah, that look,” he confirms, “that’s the one I don’t want to get from Benji.”

The man’s face drops. “I didn’t mean to look at you like that,” he says slowly. “I was just... thinking.”

“About what?”

“Trying to understand you.”

Felix gives him an incredulous look. “Trying to understand what makes me a monster? What makes me want to kill the closest person I have to a brother?”

“I’m trying to understand why you attacked me,” the man tells him flatly.

Felix’s lips part in surprise. Then he collects himself. “I almost did it,” he tells the man, his voice coming out in a scathing hiss. “To Benji, I mean. Yesterday. I grabbed him. I didn’t mean to but I did. I was so close.... so close to doing it. I wanted to do it. And it scared me. I was afraid if I didn’t consume something it would end up being him. And it can’t be him. It just can’t.”

“So it was me,” the man concludes.

Felix meets his eyes and nods. “Yes,” is all he can say.

The man leans back until he’s settled against the tub and sighs. He glances around the bathroom which dwarfs his smaller prey stature. “But now I’m here,” he says.

Felix licks his lips. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” he tells the man. “Almost as soon as I did it, I regretted it. It scared me, but I was even more afraid by what would happen if I let you go. I thought digesting was my only choice, but I guess I was too scared for that too.”

“So you took your chances letting me go.”

Felix looks the man over. He looks as pathetic as Felix feels, yet Felix finds he fears him. He did take his chances on letting him go. Whatever happens next rests in what the man chooses to do.

“I guess I did,” Felix agrees.

There’s a long silence. Felix grits his teeth as his stomach grows ever more insistent, reminding him that there’s a perfectly defenseless prey sitting right next to him. But he’s not worried about snapping again. He knows he couldn’t consume the man again no matter how much he wishes it.

“Can I make you a deal?” the man finally asks.

Felix looks at him inquisitively. “What is it?”

The man leans forward again, “If you let me go, I swear to you I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone.”

Felix laughs. He highly doubts that.

The man raises an eyebrow. “You don’t believe me?”

“I believe you’ll say anything to get out of here alive,” Felix tells him.

The man shrugs a shoulder. “I won’t say you’re wrong, but I will admit, you’re nothing like I expected you to be.”

“What do you mean?”

“I keep my distance from preds,” the man tells him plainly. “I’ve heard too many horror stories and I have a family to take care of.”

“A family?” Felix repeats before he can stop himself.

The man looks at him strangely. “Yes, a wife, a son, and a little girl.”

Felix’s stomach does a flip that, for once, has nothing to do with hunger. The man he nearly killed has a family waiting for him, depending on him, back at home.

“I didn’t know,” Felix breathes.

“I didn’t expect you to,” the man says, still looking at him oddly. “But I don’t know whether it’s because you’re so young or because you’re in so much obvious pain or because I never expected a pred could feel anything for a prey, but I’m willing to help you. At least this once.”

Felix’s eyes go wide in disbelief. “You will?”

The man nods. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to see you ever again or trust you to be anywhere near my family, but I’m willing to keep quiet.” Before Felix can respond, the man holds up a finger to stop him. “But my silence has a single condition.”

“What is it? Anything. I’ll do anything.”

“Tell your friend Benji how you feel. And then never go near him again.”

Felix recoils. Everything inside him sinks. “I can’t—”

“You’re out of control,” the man tells him firmly. “You’ll kill him if you keep being around him. And I think you know that.”

Felix swallows back his emotions. Never see Benji again? He did all this for Benji! He was willing to kill for Benji! The least he can ask in return is to spend a little time with his best friend. But even as he thinks it, Felix’s stomach sends another wracking pain through his body. He shivers and knows the man is right. He’ll kill Benji if he doesn’t leave him alone.

“Okay,” Felix agrees. “I’ll do it.”

The man nods, seeming satisfied.

Felix looks down at him. “You need to finish washing off. You stay in here and shower. I’m going to figure out how to get you past my parents.”

“I can deal with that,” the man agrees.

Felix gives him one final look before standing and exiting the bathroom, closing the door behind him. A few minutes later, he hears the shower start up again.

Once Felix is alone in his room, he doubles over in pain again as his stomach’s protests rise to a full clamor. It’s like it knows what he’s just done, like it knows he just denied it the prey it wants.

Felix swallows several times before he’s well enough to stand upright again. He wonders if his parents will believe he digested the man so quickly and he wonders how much food he can eat so soon without looking suspicious. For the first time, the full weight of his sacrifice comes crashing down on him. He’s given up his one chance at feeling full again. At least he had those few blissful hours last night. Although, really, he felt far from blissful then. Then, he was mostly weighed down with guilt.

When Felix’s head is clear enough to think, he starts devising a plan. He makes a call. Then he checks where in the house his parents are. They’re both still eating breakfast, their backs turned to the hall that leads to the front door. It’s the only opening he’s got.

Felix is sitting on his bed when the prey man hesitantly pushes his way out of the bathroom. The man looks clean although his clothes are still damp and his skin still obviously burned. Felix straightens but doesn’t stand. The man looks cautious enough without the pred who consumed him springing towards him.

The man’s eyes catch Felix then begin wandering around the room, taking it in like it’s the first time he’s seen it. Then Felix realizes, it is indeed the first time the man has actually seen it.

“This is your room?” the man asks.

Felix nods.

“This is where you— where we spent the night?” The man eyes the bed.

Felix nods again. Then a question pops into his head and is out of his mouth before he can stop himself. “Have you ever been consumed before?”

The man shakes his head. “Never.”

Felix wishes he hadn’t said anything.

He stands suddenly and the man takes a step back.

“I’m getting you out of here,” Felix assures him. “I’ve called a cab. They’re a prey company so you’ll be safe, although they charged extra for coming to a pred neighborhood.” He pauses while the man looks surprised. “I told them to pick you up a few houses down. It’s broad daylight so you should be fine. The hardest part is going to be getting you out the door.”

“I can move quiet,” the man says.

“Good. Are you ready?”

“More than ready.”

“Then let’s go.”

Felix opens his door on silent hinges. He makes sure his parents haven’t moved then beckons the man to follow him down the hall and to the stairs. True to his word, the man can move quietly. They make it down the stairs and Felix holds his breath as he pulls open the front door. He moves slowly and it’s agonizing, but his parents never turn so he beckons the prey man out. Felix follows him and closes the door just as silently behind them.

Felix lets out his breath. They made it.

He points down the road. “The cab should be waiting for you just around that bend,” he tells the prey man. “Just tell them where you want to go. They’ll take you home.”

The man looks up at Felix. He seems intimidated by their height difference but he draws himself up straight and nods.

“Thank you,” he tells Felix politely. “For making this choice.”

Felix swallows. Part of him wishes he hadn’t. The hunger has made it hard to think straight, but he’s not changing his mind now.

“Thank you for keeping quiet,” Felix responds. “I’ll be better.”

The prey man narrows his eyes and Felix feels his spine prickle.

“Talk to Benji,” the man reasserts. “Then let him go. Do the right thing.”

“I will. I promise.”

The man gives him once last searching look, like he’s expecting something, then nods. “Then I hope to never see you again.” He doesn’t give Felix the chance to respond before he descends the porch steps and takes off at a quick pace.

Felix watches him go until he’s out of sight. Once more, he opens the door as quietly as possible and slips inside. He sneaks back up to his room and shuts the door tight. His mind is working overtime, trying to come up with a story for his parents, but at least he did it. At least he did one good thing.

The next good thing he has to do will be even harder, however. He’s going to have to say goodbye to Benji. Forever.

Next part

#uhhhhh hope you guys like long chapters #god I love this part sm tho #soft vore #v.ore #size difference vore #male pred #male prey #non fatal vore #vore writing #heart pangs

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scottymcgeesterwrites · 3 years

Text

Final Fantasy VII Remake Review

Year: 2020

Platform: PS4

I finished this game shortly after posting all my main single-player series Final Fantasy reviews. I was still digesting it and thinking about it to put together my review.

Synopsis:

The Shinra Electric Power Company rules over the city of Midgar, and the eco-terrorists AVALANCHE stop at nothing to try and prevent the life essence of the planet from being used as energy. Barrett, leader of AVALANCHE, hires a mercenary named Cloud Strife for their bombing mission on a Shinra Mako Reactor. Cloud doesn’t care much for the greater cause and only wants his pay. But then, after a mission goes awry, he meets Aerith, a flower girl who is the descendant of the Ancients. He quickly finds himself wrapped up in the greater conflict against Shinra.

Gameplay:

Final Fanatasy VII Remake has one of the best gameplay styles of any Final Fantasy game. It’s that good. It seems like after all these years, this is what Square really wanted to do. Since this was released after Final Fantasy XV, it’s pretty much the successor to its gameplay. While Final Fantasy XV has you more or less spamming the attack button with occasional spell casting and item usage, Final Fantasy VII Remake has you much more involved with the Materia system, abilities, and guarding/evading. One notable example is that Final Fantasy XV always told you when you should guard in order to counter, but Final Fantasy VII Remake has you figure that out on your own.

The abilities are so goddamn flashy and cool during gameplay. Tifa’s moves are quite possibly the most awe-inspiring.

My only complaint is locking onto the enemy during battle. You have to press down on R3 to lock onto an enemy, and I sometimes found that jarring with the camera controls. Sometimes I accidentally disengaged from an enemy and missed an attack. Since your moves are dependent on an Active Time Battle system, you can waste a turn if you get hit while conjuring a spell or taking out an item. That sometimes made me go “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”. But in the long run, those were very small gripes. The battles are so much fun.

Since the game follows only the Midgar portion of the story, it’s linear. But you reach sections where you are free to roam around and do sidequests before continuing with the main objective. I’m sure the later releases of the remake will feel much less constrained. But this remake does a good job at expanding upon Midgar without feeling too redundant.

Graphics:

Jesus Christ. This game is gorgeous.

Both in-game graphics and pre-rendered cutscenes. The switch between a pre-rendered cutscene and in-game cutscene has become much more seamless than ever before.

If you remember my Final Fantasy XV review, I mentioned how NPCs and other in-game animations seemed stiff and stilted. Final Fantasy VII Remake takes steps to remedy that. Characters have more fluid movements and everyone’s lips move a lot more. However, lip movements can come off as awkward. My friend was watching me play, and during one in-game cutscene they said “Something looks weird with their lips.” At times, lip movements seem too dynamic when the character is standing relatively still, which comes off looking like Mr. Ed the horse trying to talk.

Despite those small awkward things, the rest of the game is extremely polished. Remember how blocky Final Fantasy VII was? We now finally see these characters and the world of Midgar brought to life in beautiful HD graphics.Like holy shit. Everyone looks so beautiful.

Before I played this game, I was a Tifa stan, but now, ho man, they made Aerith so much more appealing.

SO.

MUCH.

MORE.

APPEALING.

And Tifa shines better than ever. I’m very tempted to just gush about her but here is just a couple enticing gifs.

Imagine playing this game and still thinking gamers are oppressed.

Story:

Final Fantasy VII Remake follows from the start of the original game up until the party leaving Midgar. Square plans to release the rest of the remake later.

I have to say, they made the story a lot more engaging than the original. That may seem like blasphemy, but the dialogue and voice acting was just so damn good. Some of my favorite moments included the banter between Aerith and Cloud. Like I said, I wasn’t into Aerith that much until I played the remake. She’s just so damn cute and charming. One of my favorite parts was when she said, “Shit” and almost fell, after mentioning how she didn’t need help climbing a ladder. Her voice is so lovely and amusing to listen to. The growing romance between her and Cloud doesn’t come off as forced or cringey, because we now spend so much time with Aerith.

Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie have much more important roles in the story. This gives us a greater sense of Avalanche as a ragtag group.

Entire chapters focus on them, especially Jessie. I cringed a bit at Jessie to be honest, despite her popularity. She now comes off as a copy of Aerith in the sense that she comes on strong to Cloud. But really strong. Like “I want that D right now” strong. Cloud has officially become your usual anime boy who is good at everything that can make any woman magically fall in love with him. So that whole thing made me roll my eyes.

There are some new characters inserted, such as the SOLDIER Roche. I thought they were going to do more with him but, apparently not. The new characters can be a bit “meh”, such as Chadley. Johnny isn’t a new character but may as well be since his role is so expanded. He was probably the most annoying, constantly calling Cloud “bro”. That gave me some bad flashbacks of Prompto’s modern-speak in Final Fantasy XV.

The remake adds a certain new plot element that you’re not sure at first where it’s going until it’s revealed at the very end. The ending can be a bit out there, as the original storyline is changed significantly. SIGNIFICANTLY I was curious if this game would make sense to first-timers, but, probably not when you reach the end. The ending heavily relies on you knowing the original game.

My only complaint about the story was how they started the motorcycle chase cutscene. That was my favorite cutscene of the original game, with Cloud driving down the stairs and the group getting into the car. I liken it to the barrel scene in the original Hobbit novel. But like the Hobbit movie, they made the motorcycle scene pretty outrageous. Like so over-the-top that my initial reaction was to scoff at it. It also struck me as awkward, because there were many moments when the bad guys could have shot them but just. . .stood there watching Cloud kick their asses.

Some people may be upset by how the remake ended, while others find it cool. I thought it was cool. But at the same time, now I want an official “remastered” Final Fantasy VII too. Just a game strictly like the original but with vastly improved graphics.

Music:

The music was pure eargasm. There were many moments when I fanboyed screaming “THIS IS THE SONG! YESSS!” They remixed the songs so well, from the battle theme to the Shinra theme, and the Wall Market theme. Everything you loved about the original soundtrack but MORE gusto, more pomp and circumstance.

A couple complaints though.

1 – I think the focus on making the music more orchestrated takes away the mood of the original music. I missed some of the synth and electronic from the original game because it related well to the technological city of Midgar. The synth and electronic featured in the original game gave off a brooding, darker mood.

2 – I didn’t like what they did with the Crazy Motorcycle music.

Notable Theme:

It’s difficult to find pieces of the original soundtrack as of today, because Square is taking them down from YouTube. Still, some people have managed to keep up some of the coolest tracks from this game. Unfortunately, the videos have gameplay footage, which could be spoilers, technically.

I’ll just leave it as this:

The Jenova battle theme is a much longer piece in this game, but it pays off at the final quarter of the song.

Trust me.

Verdict:

The remake does the original justice. We waited so long for this game and it delivered, unlike Final Fantasy XV.

I don’t think a first-timer would really appreciate it though as much as a fan of the original game would. Sure, there’s nothing stopping you from just going into it without knowing the original game, but there are things that one wouldn’t understand unless you played the original game. In that sense, the word “remake” is a bit misleading. Maybe they’re “rebooting” the entire Compilation of Final Fantasy VII? It seems like they’re going for what they did with the newer Star Trek movies, if you catch my drift. But I can’t say for sure exactly where they’re going with it until the next game comes out, but it seems that way to me.

#final fantasy #final fantasy vii #final fantasy vii remake #tifa lockhart #aerith gainsborough #cloud x tifa #cloud x aerith #aerith #tifa #square #onvideogames #video games #final fantasy jessie #jessie avalanche #final fantasy vii remake jessie

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timextoxhajima · 4 years

Audio

Playlist Feels

*SHORT SERIES

Member: *falls off his chair* juyeon

Genre: BIG ANGST + drama with chaebol/lawyer juyeon

A/N: NOTE THAT THIS IS A TRIGGER WARNING. I can’t include the reason because it’ll be a spoiler BUT THIS IS FICTITIOUS SO DON’T COME @ ME PLEASE

A/N pt 2: there isn’t much juyeon in this chapter so skip it if you just want some juyeon one shots

Links to other parts:

I Never Wanna See You Again

Frustrated (light smut)

Love Somebody (light smut)

Play With Fire (smut)

Stigma

Bourbon

Highway To Heaven (smut)

I Like Me Better

All Time Low

“so much for ‘i love you’.”

“are you sure you want to get on a more-than-twelve-hour flight to freakin’--” sunwoo grabs your passport and flips it open. “Amsterdam?”

you snatch the passport back, shoving it into the pocket of your knee-length coat.

“you ran from your family once...” chanhee looks at you with pleading eyes. “are you sure you want to run from this one?”

looking up from the passport, luggage next to your legs and surrounded by your friends, you scan the big, block letters that spell ‘departure’ across the entrance to the hall.

“i’m not running. i just need to think.”

“the last time you were on a plane, you hurled from the turbulence,” eric scolds. “and it was a three-hour flight.”

you roll your eyes and raise a brow at your friends. they were all just finding ways to convince you stay instead of watching you leave the country just days after you find them jobs that were extremely high-paying.

the calls you made were probably setting off a thousand alarms that would alert both your parents, since you were relying on the contacts you had as a chaebol. it was just a matter of time before they’d figure out that you left the country or something.

“so what if i hurl? i’ll be fine when the plane lands.”

chanhee’s features were strained, and eric sighs, pulling you into a hug and giving you a brotherly rub on your head.

“call us when you get there and tell us when you’re coming back, we’ll come get you.” eric releases you and sunwoo gives you a gently punch to your arm. you nod and look to chanhee, your arms already reaching out to him.

chanhee takes a small step backwards, eyes looking like he was hurt. you knew he was upset with you for blowing things out of proportion with juyeon. if you didn’t try to defend him, the whole argument with juyeon wouldn’t have happened. but it was a fact that he crossed the line, and it had nothing to do with chanhee.

“if i let you hug me, then it means there’s a chance you’re going to run and i’ll never see you again.”

your arms remained stretched out but your head droops to the side, pouting a little and walking towards him regardless.

“i’m not going to run, chanhee,” you wrap your arms around his shoulders. “and even if i do, i’ll come back just to see you guys. you have my word.”

you hear him sigh in resignation and his arms find your lower back. “i’ll hold you to that. i’ll hunt you down myself if you disappear off the face of earth.”

you snicker as you pulled back, constantly swallowing your saliva so you don’t burst into ugly tears.

you settle down in your seat and the passenger next to you greets you kindly. the skies outside the window next to you provided you the warmth and a strange feeling of freedom, but there was so much weight in your heart, you were worried the plane wouldn’t even take off.

you recall the first time you were on a plane. it was a private flight to paris with your parents when you were still a kid. you spent half the time throwing up because of the turbulence.

the second time you were on a plane, it was with eric, chanhee and sunwoo to a nearby country. they watched you hurl out your meals like a fountain and though it might’ve been a little mean and annoying in that point of time, you look back now and realise that all they were trying to do was to make you laugh and get your mind off your motion-sickness.

you wouldn’t be who you were today if it weren’t for them.

had they not dragged you onto a plane, you’d probably still be scared to fly with your motion sickness. but thanks to them, it didn’t matter anymore. it doesn’t matter if you threw up, all you needed to do was think about them and you’ll be fine.

you watch the sunset below the clouds that look like cotton and marshmallows, the constant whirring of the vehicle was slowly but surely getting to your head. the pressure of being in the sky was squeezing the juices out of your brain and making your eyes tear up. your ears were slightly blocked, so blasting music didn’t really help.

you feel the familiar ball of stomach acid push itself up your throat and into your chest, and you barely get the words out to the passenger next to you before she shifts and lets you out.

you watch the half-digested grains of rice and fruit spew out through your lips and into the toilet bowl, the material on your knees soaking up whatever liquid that was on the floor. might’ve been pee, but who cares?

“miss, are you alright?”

“yeah--” you belch out a disgusting scent, a mixture of vomit and food. “i’m okay.”

you grab a handful of tissue and wipe your lips, leaning back on your heels before losing your balance when the plane shakes a little. your back hits the wall of the cabin, and a headache rips through your temples.

you grit your teeth and groans of pain unconsciously pour out through your lips, your hands now pressing into your ear as the pressure in them become physical pain.

“miss! are you okay? do you need any assistance?”

“i’m fine!” you snap back. “it’s just a little... headache--”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“stay with me forever.”

“i can’t pretend you’re not the best thing that’s happened to me.”

“i love you.”

you vision widens and start to focus, but you frown to yourself when you process nothing besides a plain, white ceiling with amber lights lining the edges.

you inhale a deep breath and you give your nerves a moment to find your fingers. you blink so slowly, you were wondering if you were paralyzed or if your brain was just processing it super slowly.

“you’re awake.”

that voice.

turning in search of the source, your eyes catch a glimpse of the room you were in. there was a table in the corner of the room, a television mounted to the wall, and the floor was carpeted with a cream colored rug.

you process the views before you spot an IV drip, and it was hooked up to your left hand. the blanket was riled up to your stomach, and the scent of the room knocks some sense into your thinking.

you were in a hospital ward.

“where am i?” you breathe lightly, shutting your lids and rolling your eyes under to make sure you weren’t in a dream.

“in amsterdam, where else?”

“what date and time is it?” you look behind him and note the pathetic amount of afternoon sunlight spilling through the blinds that were closed.

“i don’t know how that’s going to tell you how long you’ve been here, but you passed out halfway on your flight here. you’ve been in this bed for more than thirty hours.”

you suck in a sharp breath and cover your eyes with one arm, the disgusting scent of medicine and antiseptic making your lungs hurt.

“how did you know i was here?”

dumb question to ask.

“it was a little difficult to ignore the calls you were making to my sub-ordinates and colleagues and partners. adding on the fact that your mother called to scream at me about you getting on a plane here,” your father gets out of the sofa next to your bed and walks around to the table, pouring a glass of water. “i wasn’t very keen on hearing her out until she told me your flight was to amsterdam.”

he brings the glass to you and holds it out.

“it was tricky to pretend that you aren’t my daughter... who also happens to have motion-sickness but still gets on a flight alone.”

you scoff, sitting up and taking the glass only because your throat was killing you. “fun to know that i need to get on a plane to get your attention.”

your father scratches a temple and waits for you to finish the glass of water.

“enough attention for me to cancel my meetings and fly here from croatia. i left the moment the airline called me to tell me my daughter passed out on the flight your mother was telling me about.”

you gulp the last bit of water and hold it to your chest. he gestures for it, and you reluctantly let him take it away from you.

it reminds you of all the times his house staff waited on you and how bad it made you feel. but you were always happy knowing that they were comfortable working in that house.

“so, do i get to know why i had to cancel my meetings to find you here, in a ward?” he lands the cup on the table and refers to the sofa seat next to you.

“solo trip to get away from city life. i simply passed out from the turbulence a long-flight was putting me through.”

he’s probably not going to buy that.

“that’s not very healthy.”

you scoff, lying back down into the bed and running your hand through your hair. “of course it’s not healthy. anymore throwing up and i’ll erode my own digestive system. if only i could fault someone for my throwing up.”

silence.

“so... whose is it?”

“what do you mean ‘whose is it’? i was born with a weak gut, so i guess it’s mine.”

silence.

“i’m not talking about your motion-sickness, y/n. i’m talking about the 15-week foetus inside you.”

the what--

“15-week foetus? what are you--”

oh.

no.

“you didn’t know you were pregnant?”

your heart felt like it was going to explode and a wave of ache rips through your chest.

“if it’s a 15-week-old foetus, shouldn’t you have already missed like two or three periods?”

your fingers find your temples and you shut your eyes tightly. you start to feel your eyes getting wet and your nose turns sour as you desperately try to find any strand of possibility that this wasn’t happening.

“i was... working. i thought it was just the stress--” all of a sudden, you see nothing but juyeon’s face in your head. your eyes were sealed shut but you saw nothing but him.

and now you were carrying his child.

“huh,” your father calmly watches you go through a whole mental breakdown. “you’re not wearing a ring, so i assume the baby’s father isn’t my son-in-law?”

you turn to look at him with tears impairing your vision.

“your mother told me you were engaged over the phone. you can imagine my confusion when you turn up here, on the other side of the planet, alone, pregnant and without a ring.”

this can’t be real.

“get out.”

your father sucks in a sharp breath through his nostrils.

“you can fly back to croatia and tell mother not to poke her nose into this. i’ll deal with it on my own.”

he nods in your peripheral vision, your eyes only staring at an empty space on the ceiling. you shut your eyes and let the tears roll down the sides of your face, curving its way into the crevices of your ears. the sound of the shoes thumping softly against the carpet tells you he’s leaving and you hear the door swing open.

“call me if you need anything. i’m still your father after all.”

and with that, you hear the door shut.

you let yourself sob quietly, the reality sinking into your bones and you swore you could hear your heart beating in your ears. your hands find your abdomen, and you question why the product of your love with him was presented to you not in the form of casual dates and a simpler romance, but a baby, in a world of money you wanted nothing to do with.

you pull yourself together after about an hour of crying, and through swollen eyes, you find your luggage and bags behind the sofa seat your father previously sat on. fumbling around your bag, you were relieved that your phone had not been turned on the entire time since you boarded the plane. it would still be close to full battery.

your home screen becomes flooded with notifications of missed calls. from eric, sunwoo, chanhee, your mother, even your manager, and him.

you swipe away everything and let the phone adjust to the timezone and boot up, and once it was good to go, your first instinct was to call chanhee.

“where have you been?! your flight landed like... a billion years ago!”

“chanhee--”

“you better have a damn good explanation for fucking disappearing off the face of the fucking earth when you literally told me you won’t--”

“i--”

“where are you now, huh?! strutting down some random street in amsterdam thinking about coming back like, never?!”

“chanh--”

“believe me, i WILL get on a plane and fly to amsterdam just to strangle you myself!”

“chanhee, i’m pregnant.”

the other end of the line goes silent and you wonder if he hung up or something.

you hear him breathe into the receiver and that was your cue to finish your story.

“i passed out on the flight and now i’m in a hospital in amsterdam. my father’s in the country because the airline called him about me but i don’t know how long he’s staying,” you pause, bracing yourself to repeat that cursed word reality has decided to offer you. “i’m three months pregnant.”

silence.

you look down at your hands that were absent-mindedly fiddling with the corners of your blanket. your hair was messy and draped over your shoulders. your eyes struggle to remain wide open after the excessive crying in the last hour.

“... does he know?”

“no. even i didn’t.”

“what are you going to do about the baby?”

you purse your lips, pain rippling through you when you realise you had to make a decision that would change your life forever.

“i assume you’re not planning on telling him?”

it was your turn to fall silent.

you don’t want to be a shitty person for hiding this from him, but neither did you want him to have an opinion on what you should do with it.

“i think you should know that he’s been searching high and low for you. sangyeon and jaehyun told us that he’s been to your place and the only thing he hasn’t done is call the bureau director.”

“i’ll tell him after i decide what to do with it.”

“and?”

“i’ll tell him--”

“i know what you’re thinking of doing.”

you feel your facial features strain and compress all into each other, your thumb brushing the skin on your finger where the ring should be.

“you’re thinking of aborting it and telling him right before you get it done, aren’t you?”

he wasn’t your best friend for nothing.

“i know it sucks... the situation you’re in. and i don’t want to be the one who guilt trips you into keeping it just because it’s his or that it’s a life. so forget about him, and think about yourself before you decide to do anything. it’s yours as much as it’s his, and i know you have the means to raise it on your own, both financially and emotionally.”

chanhee’s words crush your last attempt at holding yourself together, and you bury your face into your free hand with the phone held to your ear.

“you’re hurting, and i know there’s nothing i can do to make you feel better besides give you what you need right now, and that’s space and emotional support,” a pause. “so call me when you’ve decided, and i promise i’ll see you soon.”

you sniffle loudly into the receiver, sure that he heard you. nodding to yourself, you thank chanhee and hang up, letting whatever fluids you had left inside you pour out through your eyes.

THE NEXT DAY

“thank you, it was a great stay,” you smile at the hospital receptionist, handing her the black and silver card that your father left behind. it had your name on it, but this was the first time you’ve ever used it.

you promised yourself you’d return the money when you earn it back. you didn’t want them to use this as a hold to keep you by their side.

“the bill’s already been paid by your father, miss,” she returns a bright smile and hands the card back to you.

ugh, one step late.

“in fact, he informed us that he’s booked you a place to stay in a hotel nearby. it’s a five-star hotel so there’s everything you need there, and if you feel uncomfortable or in need of medical assistance, it’s only a five minute drive here from the hotel.”

you provide her a weak service smile as you chuck the card back into your wallet.

the receptionist calls you a cab and sends you on your way to the castle-looking hotel. the hotel staff get your luggage and belongings up to the room while you roam around the lobby and the compound. you find yourself outside the building, now walking along the path next to the river bank.

couples were eating and drinking the evening away, the orange beams from the sun shining down on you and elongating the shadows of the birds that fly past above you in the sun’s light.

you find yourself in a secluded spot where the river opens up to the sea after spending nearly an hour just walking along the water line.

the only source of light around were the street lamps, and the water extends so far out, you couldn’t even see the horizon. you hear someone walk past every now and then and they kindly greet you. the friendly culture here was making you feel so comfortable, you couldn’t help but laugh at chanhee’s worry about you staying here forever.

you pull out your phone and dial for the abortion provider of the hospital you stayed at, and for a second you worry about the medical bills.

but it was quickly washed away once the abortion provider picks up, and you start inquiring about abortion protocols. your eyes travel out to sea as the person on the other end of the line feeds you the information that you were going to need to look over again once you’ve returned to the hotel.

your mind flashes back to the night juyeon proposed to you after you told him about your family. and you truly wonder...

life has a way of putting you in places you were meant to be.

Part 11 (final): Gravity

#timetohajima #angst #sad #lots of sad #im so fucking sad #im not even kidding anymore #lee juyeon #juyeon #the boyz #the boyz juyeon #juyeon fanfics #juyeon fanfic #the boyz fanfic

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