#no but. i can't believe im seeing the day that i drew a human that i just said what do i have to lose and just went for it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

untitlednevermastered · 10 days

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three breaths later: i was mad but it was ok to be mad. i very well might still be mad but it is no longer the prominent emotion.

the distance dilemma

the aforementioned insecurities aside, i never wanted to move to vancouver because i didn’t want to come on the merits that the invite was only being extended to accomodate me and my lows. i wanted it to be because you needed me to come. so that you ultimately couldn’t live without me there by your side. but the statement to need me never left your lips. it's very possible i am wrong, but i don't think i've ever heard you say "julia i need you". but to ask someone if you are needed, renders the action of asking pointless. if you had needed me, you would have said it. if you needed me to come to vancouver, you would have invited me that day when we were sitting in the kensington floor bathroom of your 1-bedroom. you would have said "julia i've been thinking of moving to vancouver for a while and i think this is a career move that's necessary for me but i don't want to make it without you by my side. i need you by my side. can we make this decision together? because if you can't/don't want to move now, i want us to plan for a future where we are both together." you would have said that already right? if you believed it? but you didn't. and you didn't ever mention wanting to be in the same space as me until i was well into my lows and offered it only as a last resort to getting some distance from boss1 and 2.

i never asked you to come to calgary because i knew you didn't want to come to calgary. everytime the topic of vancouver came up you would make a point to describe how many opportunities you had access to, being out there. how everything was happening for you out there. not calgary. vancouver. in what world do i ask someone i love to give up on their dreams? especially when there's that fear of rejection looming around a corner.

all in all, i can admit i moved with cowardice in our relationship. i take ownership of the fact that i frequently wanted you to carry the relationship when i was in troughs. i wanted you to constantly reassure me. that you loved me, that you needed me, that you craved me. i wanted you to keep telling me i was wrong when i verbalized doubts. i didn't want to be met with "I think you were just not the person for me and I am not the person for you. For as much as I love you and will continue to do so till the end of time…you’re not meant to be my partner and I am not meant to be yours.". i wanted you to keep proving me wrong again and again and again and again until i finally had the cajones to start telling myself you are really here to stay this time. because with all the on and offs i was testing for proof that you weren't going to cut and bounce again.

you didn’t ask, but my headtop feels a lot better. a lottt better. i dont think im anywhere near a full, complete, confident human, but i think im starting to see worth in limbs i once couldnt. i think if i was partners with someone now today as i am, i would have agreed to move anywhere with them. even vancouver. funny how a year can change things, no?

the sebastian situation

in all my explanations, im starting to haze on whether i ever even apologized. i am sorry i went through with the photoshoot. although i eventually drew a line with him, i should have done it so much sooner. im sorry my insecurities seeded insecurities in you too.

your present partner

asking me to do this last link up was for your benefit and your benefit only. know that. the only reason i feel like it is my place to make commentary on your new relationship is because of the fact you kept involving me in your business. you continued to reach out despite me actually holding up my word in giving you space. you told me she is good for you and you are good for her. but i think no matter how good she is for you, you are selfish to think that you are good for her. if she's amazing as my greenest fears believe her to be, then she really does deserve someone that is willing and able to give 100% emotional availability. whether you really love me or not, i know you are not there 100% emotionally. maybe that's why you wanted to see me in calgary last week? to see me in person to confirm to yourself that you're good living without me and that the infatuation has fully been replaced by this new individual? if this is true, you used me. i hope you can admit this to yourself. i do not look down on you for this. i do not judge you for using me if it ultimately allows you to come to peace and allows me to do the same. i still love you. i think my heart hurt so much this time because it was scared to realize that there likely is nothing you could do onto or to me that could make me unlove you. puts a person in a real scary position, no?

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indigo474 · 2 years

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july is here- 7/2/22

i woke up today feeling something...overwhelmed. too much to do and yet- not too much. i feel like my life is finally starting to come together. something has lifted- a fog? darkness? I can see the light i can feel it. there is still a battle within.. it is not as intense as it was. a few weeks ago i found myself speaking meanly to me. You should be over it by now- get over it. is that my voice or his voice? I swear at one point it was his voice- all the ugly things he said to me- for years- over and over. I started to believe and made them into my voice my beliefs.. that voice-the one who tells me i am no good and says horrible things about myself- i can't say its gone completely- but GOD has it faded and only once in a while does it surface. i am faced with the fact i am a flawed human.. i make mistakes part of me wants to be perfect.. its hard to not be perfect. On another NOTE my supervisor- DREW- the one i love and respect- is ignoring me.. wont look at me or talk to me and if i ask him a question he looks at me like im bothering him.. I have NO IDEA what i did to cause this.. Its rather fucking triggering as the silent treatment was used against me for so long with x and here i am at work having it done to me.. i was horrible upset by it but now im just accepting it. Ive been noticing how he treats others and he does the same to a few people. i tell myself his behavior says a lot about him- as it does.. i was warned i was warned i was warned.. from day 1- people told me to not trust him.. i almost want to confront him but i wont- ill play his game and ignore him.

My life feels full - i have a date tomorrow. Probably a waste of time but im going into it excited and hopeful. he eats tv dinners and hot pockets for dinner.. and he smoke cigs- i really want a man who knows how to take care of himself.. so what the fuck am i doing- im going to the movies with a guy i never met.. its good practice and takes me out of my comfort zone- practice for what?

I went down to the holy ground a few days ago. I had a lovely time. i had my mace on me- not for people but for animals. there were a ton of foxes- they were watching me following me- it was truly bizarre. on my way home from the holy grounds a man with a backpack appears scares the shit out of me.. i guess i do need to watch out for people.

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msmarvelwrites · 4 years

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The Winter Ghost - Part 5

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn't and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Y/n

Warning: language, PTSD, anxiety, violence, fluff.

W/c: 3.5K ish

A/n : oooh getting serious. Im having so much fun writing this you guys! Shout out to @cutie1365 for all her support! Go read her fic A Kid From Queens, but dont say I didnt warn you. Its addicting!

Everything happened really fast after that day in the common room with Wanda. Shuri worked tirelessly in the lab trying to develop a softer approach to bringing back your memories. She believed if she could restore them fully, we would have the last piece of the puzzle.

Becoming the perfect war machine seemed like the most obvious use for the serum, but Steve reminded you Hydra always had something up their sleeve.

You really enjoyed living in Wakanda. Most days were spent in the gym training. Trying to harness the team's abilities was not so enjoyable. You worked with Wanda most. It helped that you were only 4 years older than her. She was younger than most of the team and had a dark past that seemed to mirror yours.

Most of your nights consisted of you, Wanda and Nat settling into the couch and cheesy eighties movies on the plasma TV. Bucky would often come out of his room and sit with you.

You really enjoyed Bucky's energy. Something about him just drew you to him. Maybe it was his smile, or the way he smelled like mint and nicotine, or that he read the newspaper and drank black coffee in the mornings. You weren't sure. One thing was for certain, the more time you spent together, the harder it became to leave him. Bucky would tell you about his past and how he used to have to bail little 'Stevie' out of bar fights and ally brawls every other day. He made you laugh like no one really did. When he told you about his time with Hydra and how they would control his mind you would rake your fingers through his hair and whisper to him he wasn't alone anymore.

As the days melted into weeks, the horrific nightmares began to grow legs. It was one of the many side effects from Shuri’s digging. Some days it felt like Hydra knew you would try to remember and this was their fail-safe. Every time you began to drift off you'd see Tommys pale face, blood oozing from the corner of his mouth. You swear, right before he stumbled off the edge of the bridge you saw him say something. You could never remember when you woke, nor could you recall any other detail other than Tommy. It felt wrong. You felt wrong. Like he wasn't yours to grieve.

One particular bad night, you remember waking up screaming. Your whole body felt like it was on fire as your tears seared down your cheeks. The only thing that grounded you after that was the small knock that echoed from the other side of your door.

“Hey, doll. Let me in?” His voice was soft and smooth and the only thing that seemed to bring you back to the dimly lit bedroom. You stared at the ceiling for a solid minute before slowly rising and crossing the room. Gently, you opened the door just a crack and looked up. There stood a sleepy-eyed Bucky. He sported a baggy pair of grey sweats and an old beat up tank, his arms on full display. In normal circumstances, you believed that that was enough to knock you out of any state. You wondered if Bucky knew the effect he had on people. Or worse, if he knew the effect he had on you.

“Can't sleep, keep me company?” He spoke, huskily. You could tell he had just woken up. Sleep still clouded his eyes, and the yawn he tried to stifle gave him away. You appreciate what he was trying to do, so instead of calling the man out, you opened the door, and welcomed the Super Soldier in.

You talked for hours that night. He didn't ask about your nightmare, which you appreciated. You had recited the images to Shuri about thirty times in the past week. It was the only memory that seemed to come back. It replayed over and over on a continuous loop through your mind. This moment with Bucky was a welcomed break.

“Can I ask you somethin’?” You finally spoke. Bucky and you had found your way onto your bed at some point. His right arm draped around your shoulder, as you leaned on his chest. He cracked his neck to look down at you.

“Of course.” He offered, shifting onto his side so he could really look at you.

“Does it ever stop? I’m so exhausted, all I want to do is sleep but I- I'm so scared. I don’t want to see it again… What if it never-” Your voice broke off, shutting your eyes tight to stop a tear from escaping.

“Hey, hey. You're not alone anymore. Remember? I went through it and came out the other side. And look how well adjusted I am.” Bucky smirked, sarcasm laced his last remark. You couldn't help but smile at that. You didn't know if anyone but you and Steve really knew how funny he was. Maybe he liked it that way. Maybe he was only that way with you? You knew it had been awhile since Bucky had really been this way around others. It warmed your heart how quickly the two of you got along.

“Listen to me, doll.” He started, seriously, lowering his stare to meet yours.

“I’ll be here. Whenever you need me. I know what it's like, to feel out of control. To feel like a prisoner in your own body. To answer your question, yeah I think it gets better. I mean,” He paused then, looking you up and down in a way that made you blush. He started again, words laced with that old Brooklyn charm the ladies used to love. Granted, that worked back in 1940 - something and he had been out of the game for quite a while.

“I’m in bed with a smart, complicated, frankly beautiful dame. I’d say it gets better, wouldn't you?” He gently tucked a strand of your hair behind your ear. His touch sent shivers down your spine. Bucky's stormy eyes bore into yours making your breath hitch in your throat. There was a moment, so brief that when you recanted the memory you weren't sure it really happened. But you thought maybe for just a second he wanted to-

“Up and at it, Y/n! Training starts at 0700!” Caps voice droned through your bedroom door suddenly, knocking you out of your thoughts and back to the bed you resided on. Your hand reached out for Bucky, who since that night spent most beside you. He would stay with you until you fell asleep and more often than not, when you woke, he’d be beside you, fast asleep. His side of the bed was cold, however. He had been up for a while.

You looked at your phone on the nightstand. 6:15 am it read. You groaned, rubbing your hands over your face and slinking out of bed. Pain screamed from your muscles as you opened the bathroom door. Carefully, you started the shower, steam quickly filled the room and calmed your aching bones. You stepped in and autobly signed.

Fifteen minutes later you met the rest of the team in the kitchen. You couldn't help but notice Bucky wasn't in attendance. Everyone looked like they had been awake for hours while your wet hair was pulled up in a messy knot on top of your head. Nat was pouring herself a cup of coffee when she noticed you come in. She smirked, instantly grabbing another mug and gesturing to the pot in her hands. You nodded quickly. ‘Coffee fixed most everything’. That's what Your Dad used to tell you before he left for work and you lived by that.

“Look who's finally up…” Cap announced. You had no idea how he was so chipper in the mornings. Even the sound of his booming voice made you cringe. The man must have coffee running through his veins. Maybe that should be Hydra’s next serum idea…

“I have risen. Just for you, Rogers.” You muttered sarcastically, taking the mug of coffee from Nat. You smiled and mouthed thank you, taking a big swig. Ugh, you grimaced, swallowing the brown substance much to your dismay. You didn't know what this brown water was but it definitely wasn't coffee.

Wanda laughed at your disgusted face, "It's decaf, Y/n '' she rolled her eyes, "Cap thinks decaf is better for the team. That coffee will mess with our 'performance' or whatever." She shrugged. What's even the point? You thought.

“Excuse me young lady.” Cap began, scolding Wanda like she was his teenager. Wanda smirked, turning towards his voice.

“Young lady?” Nat mocked her friend, nudging him out of the way as she reached for the piece of toast she had put in the toaster. She took a bite and over chews laughed, “You're really aging yourself, Cap.” She finished, hoisting herself up onto the kitchen island beside you.

You really liked Natasha. You thought she must have been the most beautiful person you'd ever met. Her red hair always curled around her soft features perfectly. You honestly didn't know how a human could look that perfect and be so deadly. Over the past few weeks, Nat had taught you a lot. You mostly trained with Captain Rogers and Wanda, but occasionally Nat would step in. She was small in stature, but she helped you learn how to use that to your advantage.

“What’cha say we go get some real coffee, babe?” Nat nudged you with a small smile. You looked up at her with a wide eye gaze. She truly was a hero.

“God, yes please.” You beamed as she jumped off the island.

“If you're skipping out on training then count me in! I” Wanda chimed. Rogers looked frustrated as the three of you started towards the door.

“Nat, you heard what Shuri said. Y/n cannot leave the premises until we know what she's fully capable of. She’s dangerous.” Cap stated firmly, but unmoved from the kitchen. You looked at the floor uncomfortably. He was right. You were a ticking time bomb. You all knew it. Shuri explained with the presence of the nightmares it was only a matter of time before something snapped. And no one really knew how that would look when it happened. For the most part, everyone treated you like a normal person. An honorary member of the team. But Rogers often reminded you that you were anything but. Just an experiment and a means to an end.

"Comeon' y/n. I know a place we can get some real coffee." Nat spoke, louder than Cap. Venom seeped from her words as she glared at the Captain. She shook her head disapprovingly. Wanda took your hand, pulling you gently out of the kitchen. When you touched you felt your skin sizzle, absorbing the power that surged through her body. You made a conscious effort to steady your breathing and push her power to the back of your mind. As you left you heard Natasha’s booming voice coming from behind you but decided to ignore it, as the two of you headed for the garage.

“Are you fucking kidding me, Steve?” Nat snapped at him. Steve opened his mouth and closed it trying to find the right words. “She’s a person, you ass! You can't keep treating her like some unhinged science experiment. She’s just a person. Just like me. Just like Bucky.”

“She’s nothing like Bucky!” He thundered. Nat took a step back, snaking her head disapprovingly. “I can’t keep thinking, what if we had it wrong. I mean, she can’t remember anything. What if her memories come back and she's not really on our side. I don't think we thought this through, Nat.” He huffed, running his hands over his face in frustration.

“I trust her, Steve. Bucky trusts her.” She started, taking a few steps closer to him. He shook his head in annoyance and scoffed.

“Bucky thinks the girl’s a doll. He’s totally smitten, that doesn't count. I think the guy would trust anything she said at this point-”

“Do you trust me?” Nat snapped, a brow arched, hands on her hips. Stever huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“You know I do, but-” He began.

“Then it's settled. You gotta’ let the girl out. She's been locked up here for weeks. I promise, I’ll keep her safe. Besides, I’m getting pretty tired of her stealing my clothes. Coffee, and shopping and then we’ll be back, yeah?” Nat offered, voice dripping with sweetness. She knew she had won this battle. She always did.

“Two hours, Romanoff. That's all you get.” Steve grumbled. Nat smirked, rolling her eyes and spinning on her heel to meet you and Wanda in the garage.

“See ya later, Grandpa. Don't wait up.” She offered over her shoulder. Steve only shook his head and chuckled, hoping desperately he hadn't made a huge mistake.

Nat strutted victoriously out of the kitchen, and almost ran right into Bucky's large frame. She stumbled back, regaining her balance quickly. Bucky raised one brow curiously.

“Where ya’ going in such a hurry?” He asked, watching her carefully.

“I’m taking your girl out for a much needed shopping trip. Anything particular you'd like to see her in?” She quipped, sarcastically, flipping her hair over her shoulder. Bucky choked on a cough, clearing his throat and trying to turn it into a laugh. He failed, of course.

“I- ah, I don't know what- uh, what?” He finally got out. Nat smirkled, and patted him on his stiff chest. It was literally too easy. The man was such a ball of stress. Nat thought it was honestly cute. She’s never seen Bucky like this before. Nervous and blushing. She thought you were really good for him. Maybe you’ll finally take that stick out of his ass. She thought with a smirk.

“Have a nice day, Sergeant.” She cooed, pushing past his rigid body leaving Bucky in shock.

“You ready, babies?” Nat grinned, putting the key in the Jeep’s ignition. You sat in the back seat while Wanda sat in the passenger, both nodding vigorously.

“For the love of coffee!” You shouted, pointing forward. Both women laughed and with that you took off.

……………………...

You practically skipped through the Wakanda market. Beautiful earthy colours melted into the scenery practically taking your breath away. Wanda and Nat had stopped at a small coffee shop, but you wandered around, looking at the beautiful handmade clothing. The smoky smell of something cooking from a nearby street grill filled your senses. It was complex, sweet and spicy and sour all at once. It made your mouth water. Foreign and delicious. You followed the smell to a small hutch where people gathered around, eating and laughing.

“Beautiful isn't it? How food brings us all together.” A man spoke beside you. You recognized him as T’Challa, Shuri’s older brother and also the man who is letting you and your new friends stay in Wakanda. You had only really met him in passing, but never really spoke. Bucky always describes him as a kind, gracious friend. You smiled up at him.

“It is… Really beautiful.” You repeated.

“How are you liking Wakanda, Y/n?” He asked. His voice was deep and rich. Almost melodic. Just by speaking he had commanded the attention of the people around you. The new eyes on the two of you made you feel uneasy and small, but you took a deep breath and relaxed yourself.

“It's so gorgeous here. Thank you for having me, T’Challa.” You spoke his name and it made him smile. You froze unsure if that was the right thinking to call him. He was the King, sort of, but Bucky had always referred to him by his given name.

“Breath, my friend. You have nothing to fear here. You are with good people. Your friend Bucky speaks very highly of you. And any friend of the Sergeants is a friend of mine.” He voiced, placing a warm hand on your shoulder as you relaxed. From behind him you could see Nat and Wanda walking towards you. Wanda waved chaotically making you smile.

An old beat-up SUV made a loud popping noise as it pulled up somewhere behind you. The noise made you shudder. The familiar sound of gunshots rang through your ears as you grabbed your head, trying to make the noise stop. You looked to T’Challa who seemed only concerned, reaching out a hand to steady you.

“Is everything okay, Y/n?” He spoke, trying to gage what was wrong by your actions. The loud deady blows echoed through your head, unrelenting as a scream erupted through the crowd. You weren't sure if you had made the noise of if it was someone else. Everything seemed to fade away and your vision became blurry.

“Y/n, Y/n! Can you hear me?!” You heard a woman yell over the crowd. You tried to focus on her voice, but it was too late. Everything suddenly went black and you felt your body go numb.

You woke up in the dark cement room that plagued your nightmares. A man's eerie voice echoed off the walls.

“Еще раз!” Again! He shouted. Usually when you relieved these memories you didn't know what the man was saying. But for some reason, this time your brain was translating for you. You didn’t question it as you looked around the room. You felt your body scream as an excruciating electric shock ripped through you. Tears burned down your face as you begged incoherently for it to stop. As fast as it came on, the shock stopped, and you could breathe again.

“Ты сама во всем виновата, дитя мое.” You brought this on yourself, my child. The man cooed, wiping a bead of sweat that ran down your forehead. You winced at his touch, the feeling of him on you making you nauseous.

“Если бы ты только сделал то, о чем тебя просили. Если бы вы только слушали. Может быть, все было бы по-другому, хотя я сомневаюсь в этом.” If only you had done what you were asked. If only you have listened. Maybe things would be different, though, I doubt it. He spat, chuckling as he motioned for the other outside of view to start again.

“Please, don’t do this, Zemo. Обещаю. Возьми мою память. Заставь меня забыть, только не делай этого.” I promise. Take my memory. Make me forget, just don't do this. You begged. You tried to move your arms but they were secured down. The man only laughed at your feeble attempt, building a rage inside of you.

“Oh, don't you worry, мой ребенок. All in due time. When I’m done with you, you won't remember your own name.” He grinned a crooked smile as the machine you laid in whirled on again, sending a volt of electricity through your body. You clenched your teeth and stifled another scream.

Your eyes burst open, scolded by the sun and the tears that now streamed down your face. Gasping for air you tried to sit up, but your body shrieked with pain. On your left Nat sat beside you, Wanda was on your right holding a phone to her ear yelling something you couldn't quite make out. Your breath slowly began to return and the sunspots in your vision cleared. You looked around, the market was now almost empty but the small street grill was now billowing with smoke and flame. Nat helped you up, body still aching. You looked around, horrified by the mess that was once the lively market.

“Are you okay, Y/n” Nat started, her hands on either side of your arms. You blinked at her, terrified.

“What happened?” You asked, horrified to actually know the answer. She gave you a nervous look and tucked a loose hair behind her ear.

“It wasn't your fault, Y/n. No one was hurt, everyone got out. It’s going to be okay.”

“It most certainly is not going to be okay!” Captain Rogers' voice boomed from behind the three of you. Wanda spun around startled, while you just hung your head low. Whatever lashing he was going to give you, you deserved. It couldn't be any worse than what Zemo had done… You paused, eyes a gape.

“Oh my God.” You gasped, alerting the others. Steve looked at her angrily, impatient for your next words.

“I remember something… I think- I think I remember who did this to me.” You choked out, eyes glassy as you remembered for the first time the man who made you a monster.

................................

A/N: Thank you for reading! Hope all have a great weekend! As always, feel free to leave me feedback! My inbox is always open!

@projectcampbell

#bucky x y/n #bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes smut #buckybarnes #marvel fanfiction #natasha romanoff #shuri x reader #captain america #steve x reader #steve rogers #bucky barns imagine

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brokenheartsandtwistedminds757 · 4 years

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youtube

Please watch this if anyone crushed your dreams or never believed in you, if you ever felt lost and still do... Lord please help me find my purpose my calling my dreams , if you don't even know who you are bc you lost yourself or sense of self to someone or to an external source and in silence you can't sit with the your own self bc you are not connected with yourself within and so confused as to do next... I am ADHD . I was on second in about to skip it to distract myself with something else and for some reason I watched and laughed and I've been in a rut in writing and being in touch with my own soul with the inner child I suppressed and was repressed bc I was the black sheep, the misunderstood, the outcast, I too have a love for Albert Einstein, I too have a learning disability and recently lost my voice to domestic violence for 15 yrs and I made someone my everything and now left with nothing, and I see why I needed to broken hearted by a twisted mind bc now I free to explore and discover what my potential can be, and no wonder i was delusional bc I am truth seeker and I felt always uncomfortable, anxious and it's bc I was not allowed to be or able to express myself the authentic person I am.

" I used to wait for the newspaper, to wait for my dad to finish and so I can then cut out the funny comics like Garfield the cat and I used to laugh and then I ventured in to drawing " I drew Garfield and was so proud of it and my father said " you need to practice more it it's that good "

Little did he know: today this day he has no clue how that one sentence, killed and ahattwred my drive and imagination to dream; I believe of what Steve Harvey Said. Education isn't everything even though society tells us so, but obviously with what's been happening in the present time, I am glad I'm that black sheep of the family bc now I have the opportunity to change my ancestry, and tell my daughter with true ethusiam that her artwork is amazing and I encourage her to color outside the lines even though as we color together as an adult: me drawing inside the lines and my 4 year old just scribbling all over th page with colors out of random and triggered my OCD & in that moment I almost did something to her by words is killing her will to learn and have fun by almost " correcting " her to " color inside the lines and use the accurate colors " smh. In that moment as I had a flashback and I never drew again and even if I did doodle I would never show it to anyone in fear of it not being accepted but again Im thankful For being misunderstood bc after watching this video and diving deep of soul searching; I realized too, I am not supposed to fit in, it's the rebels without a cause that change the world but are labeled and judged as we are standing in line waiting for or prescription meds by a phyaiciatrist who has seen you since 18 and yet being now (--) of age still doesn't know your name. Maybe I was crazy for doing the same things expecting different results by changing myself externally to be accepted by people who I cared for and didn't aswell, now I know why age of 9. I want to die ? Nothing is more miserable than holding in your ability to express urself in any format bc I was made to believe anything I did or said was silly or stupid. I didnt know my root of all the circumstances and consequences of those I am suffering and surviving at the same time that I AM WORTHY, if it was one thing to note : ( I was the sperm tadpole to make it in the egg first ?) ;) I know this is all over the place but I usually would select-all-copy+paste to my UNSENT/UNSEEN MESSAGES / Or ADHS : verbal vomit. But fuck it. It is what it is. HAVING SUCH A MIND FULLY purging of thoughts and ideas that were repressed aswell as the insecurity and self conscious Ness that led to disablitating social anxiety which I proud I can even admit that on a social media sites bc most of mine is of Albert Einstein image and everything set to private bc thinking I would be a burden to " friends" / family/ strangers....I want to be an advocate for ADHD AND hopefully change the damn abrievation to EFDD. Just remember , I'm aware I'm not always be on the same page as the rest. (Ha! Or even the same chapter as someone for my age "/ who makes these unofficial societal rules that is bullshit to its finest ) if you made to this point well you are ADHD yourself and can relate or something resonated with you to intrigue your interest, my phone is so hot I think it's about to explore or possibly crash with my luck, but I just want to say, think or don't think outside the box, color within or outside the lones, it really just doesn't matter after all we have to side of the brain the the left and the right? No more hiding or fear of decideding! JUST BE U, Or else once by THE TIME U figure out what you want or who you want to be IN life or what ur dreams are; You already be six feet under. So disregard into the COVID-19 But with all respect and rip to all and their loved ones but get off your phone & go climb a tree. We are th wild ones, the free spirits and the light workers or the world to help / heal other of humanity's wounds, let's all disagree to agree that even though I will most likely continue to be on my phone after I post, I'm just going to to say at least I can feel free to speak my truth and can care less if this makes sense or has many grammertical errors or no commas lol. When I press that blue post button just know I for once was able to exhale.....

#Youtube

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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Carly & Ali & Caleb & Drew

Carly: [sends these boys a thirst trap] Ali: what she said Caleb: what you need Ali: [picture of the crowd of people 'cos 1. we're popular 2. we're going hard] Ali: enough to make it worth your while, bring all you got Drew: Bit harsh to your girlfriend that you reckon it weren't worth it from her snap Caleb: is it though? 😏 Caleb: we all 👀 her before Carly: [goes harder cos if you want a show boy challenge accepted] Carly: 😘 Ali: and you got rewarded for being a dickhead Ali: you can get here faster now Carly: ha Carly: idk why we r still talking when we could b not Carly: u wanna 👀 or u wanna touch Ali: 🤔 you both too exhausted from your busy day, yeah? Ali: n'awh Caleb: nah 💪🏾💪🏾 Ali: gonna need you to prove it, Cavante Drew: 👀 Walsh wants it but where's your proof 1st, like Caleb: what he said Ali: I get it, imagination is limited, but you really have no room between the two of your 🧠s to save it? Caleb: you got no room for attitude if you want your order filled before the party's over Ali: Well puts me in the mood that, nice one Ali: least your products better than your 🗣 Caleb: your 👄 is running the wrong way to put us in any mood Caleb: address that Carly: partys over then bye Carly: ill get 💊 from boys who know how to behave Ali: I'd sooner pay Ali: so your loss on every level Ali: hmu when you work out how to run a business and talk like a grown human Drew: C'mon bro, chill out Carly: 👶🏾 aw Caleb: you wanna be talked nice to all of a sudden? Caleb: 👌🏾 15 mins how's that? Drew: you need a party, drink a little, smoke something, you'll be ✌🏾👍🏾👊🏾 Ali: we're not going anywhere Carly: but up 🚀🌟🪐💫⭐️🚀 Ali: 🙏🙏🙏 Ali: closest imagery to me getting on my knees, you're welcome Caleb: 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾 I can get down with Ali: see how many rosaries I can get done 'fore you show up Carly: shes a 👼💙 if thats how u want it Ali: only for you, baby Carly: i want u however tho Ali: that's why I'm with you not them Carly: 💍💙 Drew: I look the most 👼 though, just saying Carly: wait ur turn for the 🙏💛 tho Carly: goldilocks energy u kno it gotta b right Drew: come on, I'm the one that's been nice to you the whole time Carly: ur cute Carly: make me feel good ill make u feel good too like Carly: im always that nice Ali: oh and bring a mate Ali: I wanna party forreal, so if Cavante ain't vibing Caleb: all you gotta do is let me make my apologies in person Ali: oh now I get it Ali: a preview would be fun Caleb: we're past the free taste, tica, I know what you want & I'm bringing the party Caleb: there's 👼🏾 too Ali: I know that Ali: @ your bro being mad problematic Drew: 😮😮 Caleb: he can't 👀 my 🙌🏾 it's his loss, it don't need to be yours Drew: I didn't agree to be bad cop now you wanna get some 🍯 back Caleb: there ain't no good cops, bruv Ali: 😂 Ali: how you two aren't locked up is beyond me Carly: happy u aint tho thatd b no fun Ali: no conjugals in young offenders Ali: also reckon you have to be married??? so that'd really make it a bummer Carly: even if we got u mood rings to fool the feds theyd just say u were 😢💔😒 no fun either Ali: 😏 Ali: so don't get caught, yeah? Ali: especially not tonight Caleb: 🙏🏾 for us Ali: [a picture because we are already and this is only getting messier] Ali: like this? Caleb: yeah, that'll work Carly: its working for me Ali: all you gotta do is be 👼🏾👼🏼👼🏻 Carly: 🤎💛💚💙 Drew: damn Drew: we'll make it 10 minutes Carly: what do u need to make it 5 Drew: why aren't you two together? 🤔 Carly: we r always together boy Drew: 📸s or it didn't happen Carly: [video because you gotta one up a fuck boy] Carly: k? Drew: 👌👌 Caleb: 👌🏾👌🏾 Ali: you two are always together and all Ali: so 👀👀 Carly: aw so much 🤎💛💚💙 in here Ali: could be more Carly: yea Ali: not afraid of a 📸 are you? Caleb: 👀 away, bro Caleb: [fuck boi pics] Drew: [own superior fuckboy pics tbh] Ali: not together but that's okay Ali: we'll take 'em when you get here Carly: so creative baby Carly: 🔮🎨🌠🎇 Ali: They're good subjects, I can admit that Carly: theyre k Ali: they're nothing on you obvs Ali: muse extraordinaire Carly: ur 🍑🍯🍒🍍 Ali: 🍓🐇🌹🐿🍄🐰🍓 Carly: ☀️🐅🌼💫🌻☄️🐯🌱🌊🪐🚀🍀 Drew: is this gay code Carly: ha Carly: if i was gay u wouldnt have a party invite Carly: ur hair aint that long or pretty Drew: yeah it's just for 👀👀 Carly: its for 💙💍 Carly: dont get it twisted Drew: 👌👌 Carly: i need her i dont need u Carly: cavante can come thru wit the drop if ur gonna b 👿 Ali: Caleb's being nice now Caleb: I got you 💪🏾✌🏾 Ali: you can be 😈 later Caleb: you know it Ali: that's why you're 💌 Caleb: & omw Ali: better be Caleb: it's better when you trust, you know that too Ali: not been the day for it Ali: 👀 is believing Caleb: [drug pics because he is on his way] Caleb: I look after you both, all you gotta do is ask Ali: You want it in words now too, yeah Caleb: what your girl said about unnecessary chat, we done the lip & 🙏🏾 service Ali: 🕐 Caleb: count it down, I'll be there when I said Carly: 🚀🚀🚀 Ali: patience ain't my virtue Carly: & i dont have any Drew: can handle needy Carly: yea? Drew: for the night Carly: have it then Ali: have anything you want Ali: everything Carly: you heard her Carly: its all here for u Carly: 💚💙

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meggannn · 6 years

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LOL YOUR ROOMMATE?? I can't stop laughing omg

god did i ever share the full story of what happened with my housemate last year? i think i bitched about her a little bit but here’s the full write-up of my six months with that housemate. unedited and probably full of errors and discrepancies sorry cause im going off entirely from memory

i’ve now moved out of this apartment, but i was there for a year with three other girls. two of them i got along with fine, and we introduced ourselves to each other before we moved in because that’s common courtesy to see if we get along right? but basically before any of us could talk or interview candidates for the last spot in the apartment, this girl, i’m making up a name and calling her emily, this random girl named emily basically came in and signed on for the spot on the lease without talking to any of us. uh, okay? so we eventually all get in a group chat and talk and introduce ourselves and plan to move in. day one: emily moved in before me and i moved in a few hours later. i walk in and see the kitchen and she’s already covered the fridge with magnets and pictures and paper clippings featuring…. herself. like, a few of them had her friends, but most of the pictures were of her. basically. am i crazy or is that fucking weird? so from the get-go she just seemed……. if not privileged (which i also knew she was later), then definitely some sort of weird type of entitled but i couldn’t tell if it was maybe just cultural differences? (she was russian but had grown up in the states. idk)

anyway. she had this boyfriend who would come over occasionally, it was no problem since we didn’t talk and just waved hi to each other occasionally. but from the first week she and another housemate who lived on the far end of the apartment were both having trouble sleeping because someone else on the floor was blaring their tv loudly all hours of the night in the room next door. after several weeks of not being able to sleep through the night, they’d pretty much had enough and managed to track down whose apartment it was, and it turned out to be this elderly black woman’s apartment. i don’t really know if the woman understood why they were so upset because i think she might have been going slightly senile as well, so i think maybe the tv, or the volume, was something she wasn’t entirely aware she was doing? but the other housemate, i’ll call her veronica (who is more chill but was still upset) understood that this was probably not a fight they wanted to pick. veronica noticed that the elderly woman had a middle-aged male visitor, who looked like family, come visit the woman a few times a week and take care of her/take out the trash etc, so veronica decided to wait until she saw the visitor again to talk to him about lowering the volume or turning the tv off, or maybe getting his relative headphones or something. but emily, like….. kept pushing it every single night. every single night for the first month or so she’d stomp across the floor and rap on the door loud enough to wake up the entire floor (the walls were thin and it wasn’t a big building). and most of the time the woman didn’t respond, but there was one notable time someone else got fed up enough to wake up at 2am and yell at emily (deservedly so) for waking up the whole hall. all of which i heard very clearly because my room was next to the main door to out apt.

things escalated when i overheard emily talking to her friend on the phone about the situation and then she mentioned that in retaliation, she went over in the middle of the night and put vaseline on the woman’s door handle. i was kind of stunned and disgusted that a grown ass adult (she’s at least a few years older than me, i’d guess late 20′s/early 30′s?) would do something like that???? but anyway a few nights later iirc, once again in the middle of the night, i was woken up by a shouting match down the hall because apparently the male relative had come back to check in on who he said was his mother, and HE WAS PISSED, UNDERSTANDABLY SO, AT FINDING MY ROOMMATE IN THE MIDDLE OF PUTTING VASELINE ON THE FLOOR CREVICE UNDER THE DOOR. LIKE. THAT’S NOT JUST PETTY BUT REAL FUCKING DANGEROUS TO DO TO AN ELDERLY WOMAN. he basically shouted at her and she kept talking about how she can’t sleep for months because of the noise, and whatever, but she stomped back to our apartment and they had this argument loudly at the door (remember, my room was right next to the front door). i listened to it for a couple minutes wondering if she would like, acknowledge what she did was wrong? and it became clear that she was so focused on the noise she wasn’t listening to this dude, so i came out and i tried to be a voice of reason. the guy was understandably really pissed that she would do something like that and i apologized for her and said she was wrong to do that (she had stomped off back to her room meanwhile) and he seemed grateful to talk to someone who wasn’t batshit crazy in the meantime so he mentioned that he had grown up in this building all his life before moving out so it hurt to see someone treat his mother this way who had lived here for 50 years or something. and after that i was just thinking like, jesus, this is so not the kind of fight you want to have with a family like this as a white woman in a gentrified apartment complex. like at some point you need to realize this is not your fucking place and if you must settle things, do it civilly or just dip out entirely.

i think emily eventually apologized and he accepted and they found out that the tv wasn’t even coming from the woman’s room at all, but from someone on the floor above who THEY also had had problems with for months.

veronica was away on a trip i think during this climax, but before, while it was still escalating, i was talking with veronica and veronica mentioned she and emily had bitched about the noise to each other often, but veronica said she drew the line when emily basically started making her complaints race-themed ever since she found out the elderly woman was black. etc the complaints turned from “it’s too loud” to “this neighborhood is so ghetto” and “that’s what black ppl are like” and stuff like that. veronica wasn’t cool with that, so she planned on handling any other complaints herself directly so she could resolve things like a normal person, but ever since veronica mentioned that i knew emily was a pos

emily also complained about people partying/drinking on the street outside till ~11pm, which imo isn’t too unreasonable, like normal people do, and basically being too loud or whatever. on some level i get it cause she had to go to sleep early to go to work early, but also at some point i was just wondering how she functioned as a human being in the real world

ANYWAY THE STORY I TELL AT PARTIES IS THIS ONE, THE ONE IN WHICH SHE LEAVES (i will try to keep this as short as possible while still giving you all the details you need to understand just how fucking weird it was):

in early november, emily group messaged everyone asking if her boyfriend could come live with us. to her credit she said she wouldn’t do it unless everyone was ok, and she waited to hear back from all of us. i was out of town at the time but i remember being really put off by this idea and i was going to say no, when i noticed that my two other housemates had ALREADY said yes in the chat. just like that. i was stunned. what? like, no follow-up questions or “we dont even really know him” or “how is this gonna work”? were they fucking insane?

i messaged her privately saying i really wasn’t comfortable with it, for xyz reasons. among those being 1) rent, because nowhere did she offer to split the rent five ways instead of four (they were basically going to split her room between them, which, no). 2) fridge/living space, which was small enough with four people to one apartment as it is, and 3) just overall “i dont fucking know him” atmosphere. she messaged back saying she understood, and i got to asking why this was so important to her to do now, because she mentioned she wanted to do it “asap” if we’d said yes.

and this is where my “no” turned into “hell fucking no.” she told me this:

in response to my question of if she’d want to put him on the lease, she said no, she wouldn’t want her boyfriend on the lease in case “something happens so she could just tell him to leave” (raising my question: what, exactly, do you expect to happen? maybe the landlord, who lives in the building, finding out someone’s living here illegally? bc THAT WOULD DO IT FOR ME)

she was marrying him in december which is why she wanted it to happen “soon” so they wouldnt be living apart. i asked why she couldnt just wait until the lease was up to do all this, to which she said:

her boyfriend’s green card (he was russian) had expired so he was now paying month to month and that’s when i realized, oh. bitch he’s using you for a green card marriage and you’re trying to inconvenience all of us instead of owning your life like an adult, or something

at some point during the conversation she like tried to bribe me with a couple hundred extra dollars per month “to cover the cost of the extra utlities/wifi/inconvenience,” which i politely declined. this was when i said basically “look i never got the sense you particularly liked living here (massive understatement) and i think that it’d work out best if you moved out, which you’re clearly already planning to do”

and she did start looking immediately. at some point while she was looking i overheard her talking to veronica mentioning that he was a huge fan of putin and she’d asked him to like, politely, stop?, lmao because she didn’t like his entire yknow politics, and he basically said “i’m sorry, i can’t betray my personal/national identity, i just really believe in putin” or whatever the fuck and i thought to myself, this bitch is marrying him anyway for some godforsaken reason

i don’t know why i hoped that she would be any more considerate moving out than when she moved in, but somehow i was still surprised when the sublet she picked out was someone she never introduced us to or mentioned before, she literally just said “hey here’s your new housemate and when she’s moving in” and dropped us a phone number and facebook page.

one last thing: while emily was moving out, veronica mentioned to me that she was really pleased i stood up to her because she felt massively uncomfortable with the situation too. i asked why she didn’t say something, and she said she talked to emily privately airing out her problems, and emily had managed to talk her into accepting that sort-of bribe privately off message, and emily told her ‘just say yes’ in the chat, so she did and was kind of kicking herself for it after. (our other housemate was off doing fuck knows what at this point; she was gone for weeks on end leaving us to take care of her guinea pigs for her with little to no warning.)

but then, veronica says, the big thing that astounds her is that this wasn’t even the same boyfriend who she’d had when she’d moved in. six months had passed by this point. SHE HAD BEEN DATING GREEN CARD GUY FOR LIKE, THREE MONTHS WHEN SHE DROPPED THIS ON US

and then she moved to fucking harlem, one of the yknow most diverse neighborhoods in the city known particularly for its black heritage, so i guess have fun honey

(her replacement somehow turned out to be just as bad as she was, so you can imagine why i was eager for my lease to end in may)

#stuff #Anonymous #askbox

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