#national alliance on mental health
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National Alliance on Mental Illness is a great resource for children, young adults, and adults on what mental illnesses look like, how to act when you feel that you or someone you care about is experiencing a mental illness, where to find care, and how to talk about mental health.
Using this link both children, young adults, and adults will find helpful resources on how to navigate mental illness as someone who experiences it, and someone who's child is experiencing it, where to get help, and what options might be right for you or your child.
#mental health resources#destigmatize mental health#mental health#mental illness#National Alliance on Mental Health#NAMI#mental health for kids#mental health for teens#mental health for young adults#navigating mental health#mentalheathawareness
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TRIVIA: Public Policy and Mental Health in Nigeria
Here is a 10 item trivia on public policy and mental health in Nigeria, with 3 answer options for each question. The following are the correct answers based on the questions published on our Facebook Group Help-A-Soul-Alliance HASA
1) What percentage of Nigeria’s annual health budget is allocated for mental health?
C) Less than 1%
2) When was the first lunatic asylum established in…
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New book brings information, hope, to people with mental illness
New book brings information, hope, to people with mental illness
September 7, 2022 – Pooja Mehta began to experience anxiety and voices when she was 15 years old.
“I was lucky enough to have incredibly supportive parents who insisted that I get professional help. I was very against the idea, but I listened to them,” said Mehta, who lives in Washington, DC. She was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with auditory hallucinations.
But her parents were very…
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#anxiety#bipolar#book about mental illness#depression#ken duckworth#ken duckworth md#ken duckworth new book#mental health#mental health books#mental illness#National Alliance on Mental Illness#new book nami#self help books#stigmatization of mental illness#treatments for mental illness#types of mental illness#you are not the only one#You&039;re Not Alone: The NAMI Guide to Navigating Mental Health - with expert advice and wisdom from real individuals and families
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10 Scientific Proven Ways Improve Mental Health Stay Happy: Mental Health Change Way You View Life: Health, medicine, lifestyle. Physical + ...
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Don't Suffer in Silence - May is Mental Health Awareness Month
Don't Suffer in Silence - May is Mental Health Awareness Month
#Health #Mind #SelfCare #MentalHealth
Image Credit: HASTYWORDS, Pixabay
You know, over the weekend, my spirit was jolted again by the loss of one part of a famous mother/daughter singing sensation I adored, The Judds. Learning of the passing of Naomi Judd was another heartbreaker, but how I didn’t know about her suffering from mental illness is beyond me.
Over the weekend, I read reports about how candid Naomi Judd…
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October 9th is Psychiatric Survivor Pride Day
“The problems of the ex-patient are more subtle but no less pressing. Many ex-patients try to cope with what has happened to them by pretending that the experience never occurred. However, because the experience of having once been a mental patient teaches you to think of yourself as less than human, this is not a satisfactory solution. People feel emotions. They are justifiably happy or sad, angry, calm, elated, and so forth. As patients, however, we were taught to think of ourselves as permanently crippled, and we tend to react to the normal ups and downs of life as affirmations of our secret deformity. In addition, society imposes penalties upon ex-patients which affect you whether or not you acknowledge your identity. For the rest of your life, you will lie on applications for jobs, schools, and driver's licenses, and worry about being found out. Your friends and acquaintances will be divided into two groups, those who know and those who don't, and it will always be necessary to watch what you say to the latter. Ex-patients are full of anger at what has been done to them, but alone and unorganized this anger is not expressed and is often turned inward against oneself. Our anger is the fuel of our movement, and when we come together, acknowledging our identity to ourselves and to each other, we will have made the first and largest step in striking back at our oppressors.”
— "Mental Patients' Liberation: Why? How?", originally distributed in the early 1970s by Mental Patients' Resistance of Brooklyn, New York
[image ID] Seven photographs from antipsychiatry demonstrations. They are described below, in order of appearance:
1. a picture taken at the National Association for Rights Protection & Advocacy (NARPA) Conference on November 10, 2000 in Sacramento, California. Fifty to sixty people stand around a red sign with white text that reads: NO FORCED TREATMENT EVER.
2. a picture taken on October 9th, 1999 in Toronto, Ontario during a march for Psychiatric Survivor Pride Day. Several people march in a line, including one man at the start of the march playing bagpipes. Behind him is a hand-painted sign being held up that reads: Psychiatric Survivor Pride Day.
3. pictures taken at a demonstration outside the California State Capitol building in Sacramento on February 28th, 2000. The signs in each of these pictures say: Psychiatric drugs can kill!
4. a picture taken at a demonstration outside the American Psychiatric Association's 156th annual meeting in San Fransisco, California. The activist's sign says: PSYCHIATRY IS NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSION: IT IS A TOOL OF OPPRESSION.
5. a picture taken at a demonstration outside the Jacob Javits Center, hosting the American Psychiatric Association's 167th annual meeting in New York City on May 4th, 2014. The picture features an activist wearing a printed t-shirt and is cropped so as not to feature the face of the wearer. The t-shirt says: TO HELL WITH THEIR PROFITS, STOP FORCED DRUGGING OF PSYCHIATRIC INMATES!
6 and 7. pictures taken at a demonstration outside the California State Capitol building in Sacramento on February 28th, 2000. The signs in each of these pictures say: Psychiatric drugs can kill!, STOP expansion of forced treatment, Mental illness is NOT a CRIME, and FORCED MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT IS INHUMANE.
8. a picture taken at an antipsychiatry demonstration on May 2nd, 1998 in Freedom Plaza, Washington D.C. Two people hold a hand-painted banner-sign that says: BET YOUR ASS WE'RE PARANOID.
9. taken at an antipsychiatry demonstration hosted by the Mental Patients Liberation Alliance during Mad Pride Week in 2000, between July 13th and 16th on the lawn in front of the New York State Capitol Building in Albany. [end of ID]
#antipsychiatry#psychiatric abuse#psychiatric survival#psychiatric survivor pride day#psych abolition
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Some of Joe Biden’s accomplishments:
**Domestic policy**
* **American Rescue Plan (2021)**: Provided $1.9 trillion in COVID-19 relief, including direct payments, enhanced unemployment benefits, and funding for vaccines and testing.
* **Infrastructure Investment and Jobs Act (2021)**: Allocated $1.2 trillion for infrastructure projects, including roads, bridges, broadband, and clean energy initiatives.
* **Bipartisan Safer Communities Act (2022)**: Expanded background checks for gun purchases and provided funding for mental health services.
* **Child Tax Credit Expansion (2021-2022)**: Temporarily expanded the Child Tax Credit to provide up to $3,600 per child in monthly payments.
* **Affordable Care Act Expansion (2021)**: Made health insurance more affordable for low- and middle-income Americans by reducing premiums and expanding subsidies.
**Foreign Policy**
* **Withdrawal from Afghanistan (2021)**: Ended the 20-year war in Afghanistan.
* **Re-joining the Paris Agreement (2021)**: Re-committed the United States to global efforts to address climate change.
* **Strengthening Alliances with NATO and the EU (2021-present)**: Repaired relationships with key European allies after strained relations during the Trump administration.
* **Supporting Ukraine in the Ukraine-Russia War (2022-present)**: Provided military, humanitarian, and diplomatic support to Ukraine in its defense against Russia's invasion.
* **Nuclear Deal with Iran (2023)**: Revived negotiations with Iran on a comprehensive nuclear deal, aimed at preventing Iran from developing nuclear weapons.
**Other Notable Accomplishments**
* **Appointing Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court (2022)**: Made history by being the first Black woman appointed to the nation's highest court.
* **Signing the Respect for Marriage Act (2022)**: Ensured federal recognition of same-sex and interracial marriages.
* **Establishing the Office of the National Cyber Director (2021)**: Coordinated federal efforts to combat cybersecurity threats.
* **Creating the COVID-19 National Preparedness Plan (2021)**: Developed a comprehensive strategy to respond to future pandemics.
* **Launching the Cancer Moonshot (2022)**: Re-energized the government's efforts to find a cure for cancer.
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FRANKFORT – Potential mothers could claim child support during pregnancy under a new proposal before the Kentucky legislature.
House Bill 243, filed by Republican Reps. Amy Neighbors of Edmonton and Stephanie Dietz of Edgewood, would change Kentucky law to claim child support "at any time following conception."
The bill is designed to support pregnant mothers, Neighbors said.
"There are a lot of costs associated with a pregnancy and basically getting ready for baby," Neighbors said, pointing to car seats, other needed supplies and lost work time when a pregnant mother has to attend doctor appointments.
But abortion-rights advocates see the bill as part of an attempt to advance an anti-abortion agenda by laying the groundwork for fetal personhood under Kentucky law.
Bills based on the idea that a fetus is a person have been filed across the country after the Supreme Court's overturning of Roe v. Wade in 2022.
Neighbors said her decision to introduce the bill was not directly influenced by Kentucky's ban on most abortions but rather by a desire to support women during pregnancy.
The measure also would allow paternity testing prior to birth, as long as it's safe to do so, Neighbors said.
The bill was sent to the Committee on Committees on Jan. 11. Neighbors said she believes HB 243 will have widespread support from House Republicans.
Critics see bill as attempt at fetal personhood
Abortion-rights advocates told The Courier Journal the measure is an attempt to cement into law the belief that life begins at conception.
Rep. Lisa Willner, D-Louisville, said the measure would create a "slippery slope" for pregnant people.
"What the bill would do would be to grant full personhood to an embryo from the moment of conception," Willner said. "These so-called personhood laws could result in a pregnant woman facing child abuse charges and even incarceration if she seeks treatment for drug or alcohol abuse.”
“The legislature should instead focus on bolstering actual support for pregnancy, such as ensuring insurance access, covering doula and midwifery services, and expanding mental health supports," Willner said.
"This bill is an underhanded attempt to advance an anti-abortion agenda and lay the groundwork for fetal personhood in state law by allowing people to seek child support for a fetus," said Tamarra Wieder, Kentucky state director for the Planned Parenthood Alliance Advocates.
Wieder is also concerned the bill would open the door for surveillance of pregnant people because it would require the state to verify their eligibility for child support. She agreed with Willner that the legislature should focus on health care during pregnancy.
Planned Parenthood will ask its supporters to call legislators and express their opposition, Wieder said.
"We may actually be able to stop this because Kentuckians don't want more restrictions to abortion, and this is another abortion restriction that would be codified in law," Wieder said.
But when asked when asked about the comments from abortions-rights supporters, Neighbors said, "I can’t stress enough that my goal is to simply be supportive of mothers, children, and families."
National trend
The bill is the first Kentucky measure Willner has seen that creates a potential personhood definition for a fetus, she said.
But other states and Congress have considered, and in some cases adopted, similar bills around child support.
In 2021, Utah adopted a measure that requires fathers to pay 50% of the mother's pregnancy expenses. Indiana's legislature last year expanded the list of childbirth-related expenses fathers could be held responsible for paying, though the legislature stopped short of categorizing those payments as child support.
Georgia's abortion law applies the state's child support rules to any fetus "with a detectable heartbeat."
Washington Republicans have introduced bills similar to the current proposal in Kentucky. Sen. Marco Rubio, R-Fla., and Rep. Ashley Hinson, R-Iowa, in December introduced in their respective chambers the "Supporting Healthy Pregnancy Act," which would require biological fathers to pay child support for medical expenses during pregnancy.
"These bills are often introduced by folks who are pro-life or anti-abortion who believe that a fetus or unborn child is a rights-holding person," said Mary Ziegler, a law professor at the University of California-Davis. She is writing a book about the fetal personhood movement.
"The strategy behind them is to set a precedent that, you know, that life in the womb has rights essentially, which would obviously have extensions to abortion too," Ziegler said. "Essentially it would mean liberal abortion laws would be unconstitutional."
A separate Kentucky bill introduced by Sen. David Yates, D-Louisville, would add exceptions for rape, incest, maternal health, and lethal fetal anomalies to Kentucky's near-total ban on abortions.
__________________
I thought this was what they wanted, people keep going after pro life people for fetal child support and now that it's on the docket they're mad for some reason.
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Hey, I’m recovering from anorexia, you should too. Do not scroll away, you need to here this.
(Tw for the tags, ignore them. I just needed reach.)
Imagine waking up 5 weeks from now, still starving. Still dying. Still su1c1dal and depressed. You can see yourself like that, can’t you? Fine, but what about 5 weeks from now? 5 months? You won’t be alive by 5 years if you keep starving and self distrusting. This disorder will kill you, and do not say “good, I want that” because that is not you saying that. That is your disorder.
I understand you, and we are sick. Your thinking you’re just becoming healthy, you think you’re becoming worthy and lovable, you think you’re becoming beautiful and handsome. Well you are wrong. You have always been healthy, beautiful, handsome, lovable and worthy. This disorder is making you believe you never felt/were these things so it can make you believe that happiness/beauty/worth/control=skinny. Anorexia is a sick, twisted liar. It is not your friend. It dose not make you feel good.
Anorexia lingers before and after it’s truly here. It will shame your food, clothes, hobbies and family until you break and crumble into anorexias arms. Anorexia not only hurts you, but everyone around you too. Have you noticed how distant you and your friends are? Your family? Yourself? Anorexia thrives in isolation. It will make you angry and sad so you lash out at people, it will make you fear having fun with others, it will torment you and the people you love. It is hard to recover because anorexia is trying to break you just like before.
Are your grades dropping? Is your work becoming sloppy on the job? Do your sentences make sense? Obviously not, you are dying. Your body dosent have the energy to make you function properly. Your organs are failing, your heart is slowing down, your brain is malfunctioning. How many damn times must I say this? You are dying. You have something to live for, a sibling, a pet, a friend, a unfulfilled wish, work, graduation, hobbies, getting better at something, trying something new and even recovery. Do not let this pathetic parasite kill you.
Asking for help is horrifying, sometimes dangerous, but recovery is possible. You need to recover, you are thin enough, you are sick enough, you have been hurt enough. It’s time to live. So take that little energy you have left and get help. I’m doing recovery on my own, so if solo recovery works for you then that’s okay, as long as your recovering. Killing anorexia isn’t just eating a fear food or eating when your hungry, though. Recovery is embracing every insecurity, seeing where this truly started, healing our relationship with food, family, our body and how people have treated us. It will hurt and you will relive every trauma that started this, and it will be hard to not relapse when this time comes, but listen to me and not the voice screaming.
Recovery is worth every ounce of pain. Your fear, your guilt, your trauma’s? all gone. It will never disappear, but it will become a better memory. It won’t hurt to remember. It won’t hurt to be alive. I’m sorry this has happened to us, I love you. Never give up, hope is not gone, recovery is waiting for you on the other side. You are ready.
(national suicide prevention hotline.) 1-800-273-TALK
(national eating disorder hotline) 1-800-931-2237
(National alliance on mental illness) 1-800-950-NAMI
(Anorexia and related eating disorder hotline) 1-888-375-7767
(Substance abuse and mental health hotline.) 1-800-662-HELP
(National domestic violence hotline.) 800-799-7233
(National sexual abuse hotline.) 1-800-656-4673
#ed recovery#tw ed recovery#ana recovery#tw ana relapse#tw ana related#analog#ana loves you#ana low cal#mealspø#ed meals#mealsp0#mealspo#thin$po#male thinspi#i wish i was thinner#skinnyyy#skinnyspø#skinnysp0#bonespii#bonespr0#bonespro#pro a4a#proanni#proannna#pro recovery#tw ed sheeran#tw ed in the tags#tw ed vent#tw ed diet#tw edtwt
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Actors and writers want fans to help their Hollywood strike. Here’s how.
How are strikers encouraging audiences to get involved?
SAG-AFTRA and WGA members have used social media to spread information about the strike, detailing how viewers can support entertainment workers’ demands for higher minimum pay, improved safety and more streaming residuals. Among their recommendations for aiding the strike efforts are sharing, liking and commenting on posts about the recently expired SAG-AFTRA contract because “actors are working people just like everyone else.”
“There’s a lot of misconception that our union is about stars and celebrities,” said Duncan Crabtree-Ireland, SAG-AFTRA’s national executive director and chief negotiator.
Most of the guild’s 160,000 members, he said, are “working actors who are trying to make a living, pay their bills, pay their rent.”
Actors and writers are encouraging fans to join the picket line in their local area to increase strike visibility. They say people can bring signs, water and snacks to picketers. Union-allied organizations such as the Directors Guild of America, the International Brotherhood of Teamsters and the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees, Moving Picture Technicians, Artists and Allied Crafts of the United States have thrown their support behind the strike effort in person and online, joining a broader coalition of unions pushing against mistreatment in the workplace.
Crabtree-Ireland said strike supporters could aid the effort by amplifying the union’s demands with social media posts and donations to fundraisers for SAG-AFTRA members. Boycotting projects made by the AMPTP is not the priority, he added.
“We’re not at this time calling for a boycott of anybody. Our focus is on shutting down production. … But that’s not to say that that won’t be something we do in the future,” he said.
How can entertainment workers receive financial support during the strike?
Several organizations have committed to supporting members of SAG-AFTRA and the WGA. Some of the most prominent funds are SAG-AFTRA’s Entertainment Community Fund and nonaffiliated crowdsourced fundraisers like the Union Solidarity Coalition Fund, Groceries for Writers and the Snacklist.
The fundraisers say they provide resources that include mental health support, health insurance, counseling, career resources, budgeting tips and grocery aid.
Fowlkes, T. 2023. "Actors and writers want fans to help their Hollywood strike. Here's how." The Washington Post, July 17. <washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2023/07/17/actors-strike-what-can-fans-do/>
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Info and Resources for Questioning Systems
Our old post with resources is out of date and doesn’t have that much information, so we’ve decided to put this together! Please let us know if we should make any corrections or if you have resource ideas you’d like us to add to this post.
NOTE: Before we get started, it’s so important to mention that every system should rule out trauma first before considering other origins. This is because complex dissociative disorders can present in covert ways, and function by hiding trauma from some alters. Even if you’re certain you’re not traumatized, please research and understand complex dissociative disorders before learning about other origin types. It’s possible to not remember or misunderstand trauma. Ruling it out first will save you a lot of difficulty and heartache in the future!
NOTE 2: As a system, we understand the terms “tulpa” and “tulpamancy” are cultural appropriation, and believe that as a community a different term for these systems should be selected. However, until that happens, we will continue to link handy resources for these sorts of systems.
Now, onto the resources!
This is not a complete list! If there’s any resource you’ve found useful and would like us to add, please get in touch!
Websites:
CDD (DID and OSDD-1) Specific:
Beauty after Bruises, and especially their article on myths and misconceptions about DID
Multiplied by One, a DID nonprofit that has a wealth of resources on dissociative disorders and CPTSD (and offering support for those in need!)
First Person Plural, another great nonprofit
ISSTD’s public resources
The Cleveland Clinic’s page on DID
Survivors’ Network (not to be confused with the Survivors’ Network Discord) page on DID
The National Alliance on Mental Illness’ info on dissociative disorders
DIS-SOS, a blog with tons of info on trauma, dissociation, and living with both
osdd.one, a site with information on complex dissociative disorders with a focus on OSDD-1
NAMI Michigan’s DID fact sheet
The Healthy Place’s blog on Dissociative Living
Non-CDD Specific:
What is Plurality/Multiplicity? by YoppVoice
More than One
Tulpa.io, Tulpanomicon, and Tulpa.info, all sites where tulpas, thoughtforms, willomates, and their creators can share their experiences
The Daemon Page
Daemonism 101
Manchester Metropolitan University’s Understanding Multiplicity
Plurality-Resources (traumagenic, not CDD, specific)
The Plurality Playbook, a resource for plurality in the workplace (for employees and managers)
Endogenic Hub
The Dissociative Initiative includes resources for both CDD systems and others who experience multiplicity
Soulbonding Info Carrd
Pluralpedia, a plurality wiki created and maintained by systems for systems
Podcasts:
The System Speak Podcast
The Bag System Podcast
Tumblr Blogs:
@pluraldeepdive
@system-society
@dear-systems
@plural-culture-is
@subsystems
@plurals-helping-plurals
YouTubers:
Pink Sugar Fairies
The Alexandrite System
FragmentDID
The Rings System
The CTAD Clinic
(psst! if you’re an endogenic/not-trauma formed system YouTuber, please let us know! we’d love to check out your videos and add your channel to this list!)
Other:
This Google Drive folder has 13 books on mental health, with a focus on dissociative disorders and trauma.
This Google Drive folder also has a bunch of great resources (keep in mind there are some repeats in both drives)
UTEP’s Mental Health Awareness Training infographic on dissociative disorders
Our own posts on Understanding DID, Establishing Contact with Headmates, Dissociative Amnesia, and Depersonalization vs. Derealization
Seeking help through therapy:
(specifically specialists in dissociative disorders)
Psychology Today’s search page for finding therapists who specialize in dissociative disorders
Carolyn Spring’s article, How to find a therapist for a dissociative disorder
The ISSTD’s Find a Therapist page
Websites we do NOT recommend can be found here! Note: some of the resources we’ve linked here have their own links to websites we don’t recommend. Please use your best judgement when visiting sites, and understand that we as a system DO NOT endorse the sites listed in the link above, even if we’ve included resources that link to those sites.
We hope y’all are able to find some of this useful! Again, please let us know if you have any resources you’d like us to add to this list. Thanks so much, everyone!
#multiplicity#pluralgang#plurality#actuallyplural#endogenic#traumagenic#plural resources#system resources#dissociative identity disorder#did osdd#osdd did#long post#questioning system#trauma mention#abuse mention
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in psych abolition news for the week:
Wildflower Alliance is having a free event on Monday, January 22rd, 2023 from 2-4pm EST called 988: Is it helping more than Hurting?
"988 has been promoted as our nation’s answer to access issues for crisis support. But, is 988 helping more than hurting? Is geolocation being used and if yes, how and when? How has 988 impacted use of force? Are 988 operators trained properly to talk about issues like self-injury? What information is and isn’t being shared transparently? Join us to learn more about these points and more!"
Jess Stohlmann-Rainey, Emily Wu Truong, and Rob Wipond will be speaking.
I'm really excited about it--you all know how much I hate 988, and the lack of data on it frustrates me so fucking much. So I'm excited to see what work some other anticarceral mental health activists have been doing around 988!
the sign up link is here!
#personal#mad pride#mad liberation#surviving psych#psych abolition#antipsych#neurodivergence#mental illness#madpunk
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Urgent Call to Oppose KOSA
(Update to this post, where I explain in more detail why KOSA is harmful, not helpful, to children)
On May 2, 2023, KOSA was re-introduced to Congress by its authors, Sens. Richard Blumenthal (D-CT) and Marsha Blackburn (R-TN). Though some of the wording has been modified slightly to be more specific as compared to the previous version of the bill, the most egregious and dangerous parts remain – namely, the fact that it will come down to state attorneys general to decide what content on social media sites does and does not “prevent and mitigate” outcomes like anxiety, depression, bullying, and more.
It’s important to be clear about how nebulous concepts like “bullying,” “anxiety,” and “depression,” are defined by the bill’s co-author, Sen. Blackburn, and how they will be similarly defined by other conservative politicians. Sen. Blackburn has a page on her website criticizing the “mental and emotional trauma” that “Critical Race Theory” causes white children. She states that “CRT actively encourages discrimination” and illustrates this claim with an anecdote of a racist mother “left with no choice but to put her seven-year-old in therapy” because her child was “depressed” by learning she was white. Using telling phrasing, Sen. Blackburn conveys her beliefs that education about racism makes “parents struggle to help their children manage the mental and emotional damage inflicted by this dangerous ideology” (bolding added). Tennessee’s governor has already signed a bill that withholds funding from any schools teaching about “systemic racism” and “white privilege.” If KOSA passes, Tennessee will be able to ban children from learning about racism not only in schools, but also on online platforms, by arguing that this content causes “mental and emotional damage” and “depression” in children. For Sen. Blackburn and other conservative politicians, any information about racism and queerness can be blamed for causing children “distress” and thus can be prohibited from children’s access.
If you are a U.S. citizen, please call and/or email your representatives and ask them to oppose KOSA. The EFF has a very simple form for doing so, with a pre-written template (ideally, alter some of the language to make the message your own). It is quick and easy, and it is important to do so now, because KOSA’s supporters want it to be pushed through Congress as quickly as possible. Please also urge the mental health and eating disorder organizations supporting KOSA (such as Project Heal, the Eating Disorder Coalition, and the National Alliance for Eating Disorders).
Children deserve to be truly protected. Not trapped, surveilled, and further harmed by their state governments.
#kosa#kids online safety act#racism#social justice#activism#lgbtq#mental health#mental wellness#eating disoder recovery#idk what to tag this to get it the most circulation unfortunately#literally quivering in fear and rage :)) fun :))) i love tuesday night :)))#mine
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A reminder that I do not answer asks that are suicide declarations or notes. If you are struggling with suicidal ideations I feel deeply for you, I want you to be well and be safe. However, I am not a professional and I cannot talk you down from suicide. Please seek help by calling a national suicide hotline or text line, reaching out to a friend or family member local to you, or arranging to see a therapist. No one deserves to die by suicide, and as someone who has survived suicide, I can tell you that it is not worth it. There is always more to live for.
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Hey. I'm sorry to ask this, but my mental health isn't doing so good lately. Ramonda is my comfort character. Could I maybe ask you to write something where she takes care of a F reader who struggles with nightmares about a past abusive relationship? Maybe she holds reader, and promises reader will always wake in her arms?
~ Holding you tight tonight
Queen Ramonda x Female Reader
Summary: There comes a time when one must be honest about their past. When your turn arrives, Ramonda's more than ready to listen.
Author's note: I am so sorry this one took long to deliver in particular. I wanted to get it out quickly for the beautiful anon (I hope you're doing okay now, though) but I had some bad avoidance with writing for the past few months. Luckily, I'm slowly getting there. I hope you enjoy. Tell me how you like it.
Word Count: 6.2k
Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Warnings: A little Self-deprication, brief mentions of past abusive relationship, tears and panic
“You don’t have to leave places where you are wanted, merely because other places have rejected you” - Anda
“My queen, we are home.” Ramonda heard the words of the General from where she sat. They were on the quinjet, with Okoye flying it.
She looked up, having been too preoccupied to notice the horizon of her home country coming into view.
Okoye, noticing the obvious absent-mindedness of the queen, turned to look at her. Seeing that she’d been writing something down, she raised a brow.
“Are you planning something, Kumkanikazi?”
The queen, smiling now at the notes she’d been making, nodded her head in confirmation. “Just something special for me and Y/n.”
At the mention of your name, Okoye needed no further explanation as to why the queen was preoccupied. In the three years that the two of you had been together, if it was about you, she knew that Ramonda would be going above and beyond.
The same went for what she was planning right then. Simply put; it was a date. One where you and her would spend the evening in your shared room, or out in the garden, just enjoying your reunification.
Ramonda had been out on travel for a few weeks, unable to see you. It felt like a foreign concept, being away from you for so long. She’d been lucky enough to have rescheduled any travels when you’d just moved into the palace, not long after she’d proposed to you.
Though you were familiar with being in the palace since even before your relationship started, she still wanted to make sure that she didn't leave you alone until you were comfortable. Surprisingly, she made it 4 months before her travels could no longer be postponed, delegated or cancelled.
Though you’d assured her that you’d be okay, she’d still stayed worried from the moment she left. The nightly calls that you had to check up on each other became less about her updating you on how the alliance proceedings with the other nations were going, and more about you reassuring her that you were okay.
With all that time away from you, all she wanted was to be close to you. To refresh the fading memories of small things you did. To see the creases by the edges of your eyes when you smiled. To hear your boastful laugh whenever she said something you thought was comical.
She wanted to see you in your happy state. Doing all your happy state things. And the best way she knew how to get you there was with a date. Just you and her.
“Do you think you could dismiss all the Dora working on our wing of the palace tonight? I know she’s not a huge fan of them being around in the later hours.” Ramonda went on to ask, unintentionally including Okoye in her date planning.
Okoye went on with what she said, letting her throw ideas out to see if they sounded okay. By the time the quinjet landed in the royal hangar, Ramonda was sure that she had a finely planned date on her hands.
The two women were met with Aneka standing outside of the vehicle, smiling in greeting. With pleasantries out of the way, Ramonda continued looking down at her notes, Aneka on her left, and Okoye on her right.
“What have you got there my queen?” the former asked.
Ramonda angled the notebook towards the other woman, letting her read off of it.
Aneka nodded in understanding, a soft “oh” leaving her lips as she smiled at the revelation.
Though most of the Dora were close to the queen, sharing a respectful bond with her as their ruler, some of the Adored Ones got more than just that. Some, like the General, or even sweet Aneka got those glimpses of unprofessionalism. The hints of times when Ramonda was no longer the queen of the nation. Rather, just a friend who talked about the love of her life just as any other person would.
“How is she?” the queen found herself asking Aneka. The call she’d had with you only hours before seemed promising enough but she still needed an outside witness of assurance.
Aneka seemed slightly stumped by the question, looking for words that usually came quite easily to her. Okoye, knowing how lacking the woman could be in subtlety, cleared her throat as a signal; get to the point, soldier.
“She’s well!” She quickly let out, in a higher pitch than she normally spoke in. Seeing the pained look of embarrassment on the General's face, she tried again. “She looks refreshed… is what i mean. Very well rested.”
Ramonda sighed at that, relieved that her absence hadn’t brought you sleep problems. You’d looked beyond tired when she’d left, and she’d spent many hours worried that her departure was the reasoning for this.
She didn't notice the look of concern taking over the General’s face at Aneka’s words.
“Aneka…” the General started to speak, angling her head to the side. Another signal. What actually happened?
The normally outspoken Dora Milaje grew nervous at that, making it very obvious to even the least vigilant that there was definitely something missing from her story.
Unfortunately, Ramonda wasn’t being even the least bit vigilant.
Her body and mind were elsewhere as they entered the palace, making their way to her living-quarters. She was searching for you in anticipation, waiting to see your frame enter her view and brighten her day.
When she finally did see you, unknowingly coming out of your shared room to her and the Dora looking at you, she was overcome by relief.
“Y/n. My love.” you raised your head, knowing that voice as coming from one woman and one woman only.
“Sthandwa sam…” you let out breathlessly, a surprised smile coming to your face as you approached her.
Ramonda wasted no time separating from the two women that had accompanied her to go to you. The two of you were reunited in a warm embrace.
“You’re back early.” you expressed, taking in her serene scent and light energy.
“The last meeting was cancelled so I told Okoye that we should leave early and surprise you.”
You laughed at that, “I'm sure she was all too pleased to hear you talk about me for weeks on end.”
“She’s polite where she can be, but she’s definitely sick of hearing your name.” you both laughed at that.
When the two of you finally detached from each other, She took a good look at you. You looked just as Aneka had described. Refreshed and well rested. Ramonda found herself looking at you in complete amazement.
She never could get used to looking at your beautiful face and knowing that it was all hers to look at.
She looked at what you were wearing, noticing that you were still in more formal attire.
“Do you have somewhere to be, my love?”
“I was just rushing here to find something I forgot for work. I still have to go back.”
Ramonda nodded in understanding. She smiled at you for a little while longer, holding your hands in hers for a moment before fully letting go of you.
“I’ll be back by 6.” you said, before leaning in to kiss her softly. She remained with a smile plastered on her face, now having a lingering tingle on her lips.
“I’ll see you then, my love.” Ramonda said, kissing you once again for that euphoric feeling before letting you go on with your day.
Though she usually grew slightly sad when you had to work long hours, in her mind now, this gave her plenty of time to prepare everything without worrying about whether you would catch her or not.
With her mind back onto her original intentions for the day, she turned to where she’d last seen the two Dora that were with her. Surprisingly, she was met with only Aneka behind her, wearing a rather guilty look on her face.
“Where did Okoye go?” She asked, gaining only more hesitation from the Adored One.
“I informed her of a task that needed to be done… elsewhere, My Queen.”
“Should I be worried?”
“No, no, not at all. Everything is well with the nation, Queen Ramonda.”
Feeling satisfied enough with that, Ramonda breathed out a sigh, returning back to her warm and loving expression. She let out a chuckle or two. “Good. I was starting to think you already needed me to leave for another nation again.”
Aneka tried her best to give off the same lighthearted emotion, but failed as her eyebrows creased in worry.
Ramonda entered the room finally, trading her more uncomfortable pieces of clothing for some more homely attire.
Once in the clear, she announced her decency to Aneka, who further let herself into the room. She watched as the queen went about looking around at where she’d place everything for later on in the night, and the thing that had been on the tip of her tongue seemingly since the royal figure had arrived finally came to the surface.
“You know, Queen Ramonda… there was actually-” She stopped when the queen looked directly at her with intrigue. Suddenly feeling the weight of her impending words. “There was something that I meant to inform you of when you first arrived. Something about when you were gone.”
“The Dora didn’t wreck another one of the training rooms, did they? Ramonda laughed to herself, clearly not noting down the tension building in the room.
“No,” Aneka tried to laugh off with her, but then realised that she needed to get to it before she missed her chance, “It’s about Y/n.”
Now, Ramonda was focused. “What about her?”
“Do you remember how you told us to keep an eye on her for the first few days just to make sure that she was okay?”
Ramonda nodded at the question.
“Well, we did that. Or at least I did that. I always did a morning, afternoon and evening visit just to see how she was coping. But after a few mornings, I noticed that I would catch her coming into your room rather than leaving.”
“Like she was waking up early?”
“No. Like she was breaking back in after sneaking out.” Aneka clarified. Ramonda’s expression grew serious at this implication.
“So what you’re trying to say is…”
“What I'm trying to say is that I don't think Y/n spent a single night here after you left. I didn’t ask her, so I could be wrong, but I think she went back to her house by the river.”
Ramonda sounded speechless, “I thought she sold that place.”
“I did too, but according to the people who lived near her, that place was never sold.” Aneka went on to explain, as she’d spent a significant amount of time talking to farther away residents of the river. People who likely lived closer to your old home than they did to her and Ayo’s.
Aneka approached Ramonda in worry now that the news was out. Fearing that she’d grow sick from stress. Instead of welcoming the approach though, Ramonda waved her off. “I’m okay, Aneka. I just- I need time to think about this. You can have the rest of the day off. I’ll sort all of this out.”
“Should I still tell the others to leave this side of the-'' Aneka asked, unsure of whether this meant the date was cancelled.
“Yes. Everything will proceed as intended. I just need some time with her. Alone." She emphasised, feeling herself grow more uneasy at her own assertion.
The still worried Dora Milaje nodded, crossing her arms over her chest once before leaving the room.
Without the added presence, Ramonda felt herself starting to see the room she was in with a new perspective. She sat on a chair, looking at the grandly sized place in its totality.
It was clean. It smelt of potpourri. Strong potpourri. The type of strong that could only be achieved for a few minutes after a deep clean. Before the scents would shift to more signature ones owned by the bodies that entered the room.
That scent wouldn’t be there had you been living there. Not unless there had just been a deep clean, and as far as the queen knew, that wasn't on schedule for the day.
Looking then at the bed and the tables that laid on each side of them, she had another realisation. The drawers, the tables, the bed; they all looked untouched. Not lived in.
Had she been so caught up in wanting to make you feel at home that she'd slowly chased you away? That had to be the answer. You told her everything. She'd have known if you had affairs to attend to that required weeks of sleeping elsewhere.
Though her mind briefly thought of possible infidelity, she took that off the list of possibilities faster than the time that the idea took to formulate. This matter didn't involve anybody but the two of you.
This was a personal matter.
And if Ramonda knew one thing about confronting personal matters with you, she knew that it took 3 things. Time, patience, and a little nudge.
Tonight would indeed proceed as she'd intended. This date would be her nudge.
She just hoped she wouldn't push you too far.
“Hm.” Ramonda heard you sigh next to her. She looked in your direction, a smile spreading across her lips as she watched you try to form words.
“What?” She asked, eager to know what that hum meant.
“Nothing,” you laughed, your hand finding hers instinctively. “I just didn’t think this would have been your favourite movie.” you pointed your head towards the tv screen that showed a stream of naming credits relating to the movie you’d watched.
“What did you expect, my love?” She questioned, raising your intertwined hands to her lips; kissing them gently.
You felt yourself shift closer to her warm body, leaving a large gap on the side of that bed that you’d been on only moments before. You snuggled up close to her, cuddling her as you looked at your intertwined hands.
“I didn’t expect anything, specifically. I just didn’t think romantic comedies were your thing.”
Ramonda let out a full belly chuckle. Short, direct, but loving. Kind of how she'd been the entire night.
“Don’t I look like the romantic type?” she asked, and after being met with your playful hesitation, “I planned this beautiful date, didn't I?” you nodded at that.
“And it was good, wasn’t it?”
You looked up at her, the distance between your lips suddenly becoming noticeable to you. And though you knew she was asking the question matter-a-factly, your want to kiss her after the effort she’d put into the day felt like the most appropriate answer.
Your eyes being fixed on said lips told her everything she needed to know about how you liked the day, but still she waited. Wanting to hear it from you directly.
“You did, sthandwa sam. And it was a good date.”
WIth your stamp of approval, she relented, letting her excited smile escape from its regular confinement.
You had a feeling that she'd wanted to get everything just right tonight. And though you’d been dating for a while, you knew that she still felt that hesitation that surrounded you all the time. You sensed how much she wanted to give you a day where none of that hesitation was needed.
You hoped that the way you’d been looking at her all day gave her some type of reassurance that she'd done her duty well. You hoped it made her feel certain enough to ignore whatever she might have heard from the others.
You'd seen Aneka and Okoye speaking when you'd first seen Ramonda earlier, and although all your attention went to your fiancée, you weren't as oblivious as she was in relation to what they were likely talking about.
Okoye had gone down the same hall path as you, choosing to catch up to you when you'd both left the conversation.
"General Okoye." You nodded and smiled at her as you walked.
"Y/n." She acknowledged.
You subtly tried to attempt walking at a brisker speed, failing to do so without catching the General’s attention. She matched your pace at every increase, even letting out a few chuckles at your sad attempt to get away from her.
"Do you need something, General?" you asked, finding yourself slowing down to accommodate a comfortable walking conversation.
"No, but I feel inclined to ask you that same question."
"If I need something?"
"Mhm." She nodded.
"Well, I don't believe that I do."
She looked at you sceptically, "Is that so?"
You were nearly at the doors to the palace, knowing that this conversation had to get somewhere if you wanted to make it back on time for the rest of your work shift.
You fully stopped walking, turning to Okoye, who did the same. "Does it look like my answer should be on the contrary?" You huffed, getting frustrated.
"That's not my place to say. What is my place to say, however, is that whatever you may or may not have needed while the queen was gone was observed by more than just yourself." She pointed in the direction of where you'd left Ramonda and Aneka.
"I don't know what it is that happened, but my advice to you would be to give her details before she starts coming to her own conclusions."
She left you with only that, a soft smile of concern planted on her face as she went on with her required duties.
That one sentence had sent chills down your spine, your mind stuck on it for the remainder of your afternoon, and most of your night.
Now, you still thought of what she'd meant. On whether it was what you thought she meant. That you'd been found out in that one way that you'd somehow kept secret for so long.
Now, looking at how late it was, your anxiety grew to its peak.
That old hesitation that you'd been trying to hide for the whole night caught wind again, strengthening enough to peek through your once smiling face. Now a frown plastered itself on your lips.
“It’s getting late.” you said bluntly. More to yourself than to her.
“Are you tired, sthandwa?" Ramonda asked, drawing. circles on your arm with her free hand.
You nodded.
“We can go to sleep if you'd like. Three movies seems like more than enough for one night.” She smiled at you again, loosening her hold on you to pack everything up for the night. You watched as she rose from bed, watching you with those always loving eyes. You felt a sudden pit of anxiety seeing it. A feeling that needed immediate confrontation.
“I’ll pack these away.” you said, getting up from where you were and grabbing the uneaten snacks from the side tables ready to go out of the door with them.
“It's fine. I’ll just take-.” you heard her start to say, but you were already halfway out of the door before she could finish. You raced down the hall of your section of the dwelling, finding that your mind was working on autopilot getting you where you needed to go.
You moved through the halls, tears threatening to fall already as you made your way to the kitchen.
You heard a few muffled mentions of your name coming from where you'd just been but its lack of volume increase gave you enough information to know that Ramonda wasn’t approaching you.
You still had time.
You rushed around, finding yourself in the kitchen putting everything where you remembered it usually sat.
Heart racing, you felt yourself getting to one of the spare bathrooms. Going straight to the sink, you finally got the first look at yourself for the night, and one thing was very clear. You were panicked.
"It's just sleep." You said, trying to ration with yourself.
"Just sleep." You said it more than a few times, thinking, hoping that one of the attempts would end in you believing yourself. Hoping that one of them would end in you having the epiphany of a lifetime, where it all clicked and it really was just sleep.
Instead, though, when the repeated words hit the +10 mark, one of them ended in tears. Hot tears that burned your eyes getting out and left an even hotter feeling on your cheeks as they rushed down.
Old memories of life in the palace before Ramonda left came to mind. All the nights where you pretended to sleep just so she wouldn't worry. Where you pretended to have been well rested every morning just so she'd go on with her day not being worried about you. Where you hid in corners soothing yourself when you had chosen to sleep, only to be met with nightmares that woke you up anyway.
With all those feelings still fresh, you knew that you couldn't go back to that. Telling her wasn't an option but hiding it from her wasn’t either.
"I need to go." you opened the tap, letting water rush into your cupped hands before you brought your hands to your face, letting the water wash over you. The cold temperature of it reset your body, the tears slowing down and your breathing stabling.
The water did nothing for your unbalanced mind, though. You were still set on your words. You were leaving.
You wiped your face down with a towel, washed your hands and left the room, contemplating whether to let Ramonda know you weren’t staying or not.
You heavily considered it, even walking in the direction of your room, but at the last minute, you turned, deciding that it wasn't worth the trouble. You weren't worth the trouble.
I'll be back; you told yourself.
You'd come back tomorrow and you'd tell her that something came up and you had to go. You doubted that she'd believe you but it would be better to do that than tell her the truth.
Reaching the front entrance of the palace, you found yourself more overwhelmed than relieved, feeling more weight on your shoulders. You walked around, finding yourself nearing the garden. Off to a corner you saw a bench. The one that you'd discovered all those months ago. The one you’d sat on most nights while Ramonda slept.
You sat, gripping the edges of your seat as a means to ground yourself. You were in no shape to get yourself all the way to the river province. Your best solution was to sit there for a while.
You thought about how ridiculous you were being, avoiding the love of your life all because of something as trivial as nightmares. But it wasn't nearly as simple as that.
There was that history. That poisonous history with the person who had broken you in ways that never felt fixed all the way.
Ramonda was nothing like your ex. She was kind and gentle where your ex was rude and aggressive. She was patient where your ex was short tempered. She was genuinely loving where your ex was hateful with a fake loving disguise.
Ramonda was everything you needed her to be, and yet somehow that only made you feel less worthy of her.
Don’t leave. Don‘t leave. Don’t leave; you tried to tell yourself
But at the back of your mind the words that plagued your body during the day and terrorised your mind at night were seemingly always the strongest opponent in the battle.
Just leave, just leave, just leave; they used to say. Reminding you of how disposable you were to your ex. If you were disposable to them, then what difference was it to Ramonda? A queen. You were an inconvenience at best.
You’d always heard of people saying that past relationships could ruin your perception of love and life, but they always said it got better.
For you, that wasn’t the case, because if it were, you wouldn't be sitting there, years after you’d escaped, with the same words still running through your mind.
You wouldn’t be fearing the thought of sleeping every night and you wouldn't be hiding from the woman you loved trying to come up with more lies to tell her.
Tears were once again forming.
"My love?" You jumped at Ramonda's voice, startled more at her sudden appearance than you were of her serious tone.
You turned, looking up. Another fake smile being thrown her way.
“I'm okay.” You said before she could even ask. You wiped at your face instinctively, knowing that the tears would come down and expose your words as being false.
She approached you slowly, going down to sit next to you.
"Sthandwa sam, what's going on?" She was resorting back to the way she spoke to you when you were still in the early days of dating. Lacing her voice with the once emotion that got you to open up. Desperation.
"I thought I'd be back tomorrow." You said, and though you knew that the thought of you wanting to leave probably hurt her, she still held you as you found yourself placing your head on her shoulder. Needing to feel that sense of safety.
This small action was monumental. Not completely untouched territory, but unfelt. Unexperienced by you.
It’d taken months to convince you to let her show you that she could love you. It took twice as long for you to truly believe her when she said she did.
If there was one thing she knew about you, it was how long it took you to ease up your walls when it came to romance, and how easily you backed away whenever you were even slightly unsure of yourself. She didn’t want what was supposed to be a good day to end up becoming the reason you were 10 steps backwards in your trust again. And you knew that she was fighting to keep you for that reason alone.
You knew that if she let you leave, this version of you wouldn’t be the one to come back to her. It would be a more deceptive one. One that was better at executing your lies.
In all 3 years of your partnership, you'd never resisted the temptation to leave like you did now. You'd never been sick of the deception like you were now.
“I-” Ramonda ran through her mind trying to find something, anything to say.
“Are we okay?” she asked, because she needed to know. You failing to leave didn't mean that you wanted to stay.
“Sthandwa sam,” you sighed. All previous desires that you’d had to go without explanation flying out of the window at those words. Words you knew all too well.
You sat closer to her, not even a centimetre separating you. “We’re okay.” you reassured her.
A sigh of relief left her system, though she tried to make it seem unintentional.
“Today was perfect. You’re perfect.” you started, “I don’t want to go. But, I have- ” you stopped yourself there.
“You have what?” she asked.
“I can't.” you said, suddenly realising that your excuse lacked validity.
“What’s wrong?” She said in a tone so gentle, you nearly melted.
You tried to smile it off, “It’s nothing.”
Not taking that, she led her hand to your cheek, cupping your face.
“It’s not nothing.” she counter-argued. The glistening of your eyes told her that much.
“It's nothing reasonable. I mean.”
“So tell me…”
Breathless now, you couldn’t take your eyes off hers.
“I’m not a good sleeper.” you kept it brief.
Ramonda, though sceptical, felt her expression soften. “Meaning?”
“I’m restless and I wouldn’t want to disturb your sleep.”
“I can handle a little disruption.” She smirked.
“I wouldn’t call it little, Ramonda.”
“Well you've never disturbed me before. Why are suddenly worried about that now?”
You fell silent then, your body still with fear. Before you knew it, she was wiping tears away.
Embarrassed, anxious, and all other types of uncomfortable, you tried to get away from her, standing up.
“Please- don’t leave.” you heard. Again, it was firm and confident. But it was also thinly laced with a concern for you that only Ramonda possessed.
Your mind rushed with memories of earlier in the day. When you’d arrived back at the palace after work only to be greeted by just Ramonda. No Dora, no crown. Just the figure of her that bore no burden other than loving you.
That burden showed more that she’d have liked to admit. And though she always heavily denied that it was just that - a burden- something always rang at the back of your mind, telling you that she was lying. That she was holding the world up trying to please you and it was weighing her down more than ruling an entire country ever could.
Still, with that she welcomed you into her world once again. Knowing that you had one foot out of the door from the very beginning, but still holding some hope that maybe you’d choose to let the one inside the door lead you.
With a calming day indoors, filled with your usual banter and conversation. You knew that she thought it was going well. In your heart, you wanted it to be going well too. But that cloud of doubt never ceased to exist above you.
“I’m sorry.” you said. You were chuckling at yourself now, swiftly wiping your tears away before taking a deep breath in.
"I'm a mess and I can't tell you why." You lied again, deciding to pile on as many as you could now.
She stood up, "Come inside, my love. It'd be much easier to work this out without being in the cold." You couldn't disagree, nodding acceptingly, allowing her to wrap her arms around you and lead you back inside.
You can’t leave now. You'll have to wait until she makes you go. Which won’t take long; you thought.
She guided you inside of your room, letting you settle yourself on your side of the bed before sitting next to you.
You sat in an uncomfortable silence, Ramonda waiting to let you calm down more. When you seemed more stable, but you still refused to say anything, she sighed looking up at the ceiling.
"Aneka told me that you still have your old place by the river." She started. Your focus immediately went to her, her hand rushing to find hers. She let you hold her hand, but still she couldn't look at you.
"Is it true?"
"It's not lik-" you started, sighing and trying again, "Yes." Now she looked at you.
"My love...” You heard her whisper.
"It's not you. It's never been you."
"Then what is it?"
"It's… it's… complicated"
You spoke like you were ready to leave.
"I've got all night. We can uncomplicate it."
"I don't think it could really work like that, sthandwa."
“Why won’t you at least try to tell me so I can see for myself whether that is true?”
“Because if I do, and I am right, it’ll break me 10 times more than the first time.”
“What was the first time?”
Tired of the back and forth, and quite frankly tired of the secrets, you relented. "I have these nightmares…" you started to explain it all to her. From the very beginning.
You described the memories of you and your ex. The moments where the love that you had built suddenly turned into hate from them. How you could feel your uncertainty about them build up overtime. And how that feeling of safety that you'd often had before, faded into a mere foreign concept.
You told her about the worst days. When the abusive and toxic nature of the relationship had started to seep into your mind, flooding your thoughts even when you were far away from them.
You continued as Ramonda held you closely, listening to your every word.
"When I left, the nightmares started. Heightened memories of our worst days. The days when their words got to me the most. I stopped feeling safe entirely. My life, dictated by their words. I lost control of myself.” You wiped away your now, few tears, finding yourself thinking about the good that came after all that you’d been through.
“Then you came along. And you made me feel… wanted. You made me feel like I wasn't as bad of a person to deal with. Like my existence wasn’t a hindrance.
And for so long I hoped that that would be enough. That your love would wash away all of the bad nights and I'd be fully at peace for once. But it's never that simple. I still have those nightmares.”
Ramonda only held you closer now, feeling the weight of the burden you’d been carrying.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she asked gently. Not angry, but curious.
“I didn’t tell you because it would make you think that I wasn’t happy. That you don’t make me happy and Bast, Ramonda, you make me more happy than anybody I’ve ever crossed paths with. I never for a moment wanted you to think that all your loving actions were in vain. I still don’t want you to.”
That final admission, where you felt yourself become your most vulnerable, was like a release in the chain of bad events that had happened to you in your life. It made you feel more than any other day with Ramonda ever had.
It felt better than the day you’d gone on your first date. Or the day she’d proposed to you with the sweetest speech you’d ever heard. It was more than all the gifts she’d gotten you and all the late night conversations you’d had.
It was so much more, because this time, you were finally able to give her the honesty that you’d longed to give her all this time. This time, you were putting your fear of hurting her feelings aside in an attempt to give her the reassurance that you trusted her.
That relief of being able to subtly say those words; I trust you. That was special.
You laid there, watching her process it all, and for a moment, even with your relief, you felt yourself begin to panic. Maybe it was too much.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said all of that.”
“No. I’m glad you did. I’m glad you don’t have to keep it to yourself anymore.” she said, “I’m sorry you felt like you had to keep that in for so long.”
“Don’t apologise. It has nothing to do with you.”
“But it has everything to do with you. And anything that has to do with you is immediately something I want to know.” she looked at you with the faintest smile on her face, her signal to you that told you she wasn’t mad.
“I want to be here for all your moments, sthandwa sam. I want to celebrate your good news with you and I want to cry at your bad news just as intensely. You’re worth every minute of sleep that I lose at the hands of holding you after those nightmares.”
Hearing that, you tried to shake your head in disagreement.
“No I’m no-”
“Yes you are Y/n.” she kissed your hand tenderly.
“I don’t expect you to believe me just yet, but I’m willing to let you know that you are, over and over again. I’m willing to hold you as close to me as you need every night until the day I die. I’ll do it all if it means you’ll feel safe again.”
You were left speechless, trying to find the words to respond to that, but honestly you knew that you wouldn’t be able to. She meant every word, and you felt every bit of her emotion.
With your hand still in hers, she settled herself in bed, looking at you as you watched her hesitantly.
“Let me hold you tightly… and let me choose to never let go.” she said.
Hours later, when you felt yourself begin to stir awake, your heart racing as yet another night terror played itself out in your head, you felt yourself rising up.
Opening your eyes, and finding tears in them, you wiped them away in embarrassment.
More doubt crept up in you, and once again, the odds seemed to be stacked against you.
There was no way this could all work.
You were just too much.
When you tried to rise up from bed, wanting to get your things and leave, you felt an arm touch yours.
You looked down, seeing what you’d previously thought would be a sleeping Ramonda, definitely awake.
She laid, watching you with barely awake eyes. You’d clearly woken her up.
“I’m sorry.” you apologised.
But when you thought you’d be met with anger, or pity, you were only met with a warm and welcoming expression, Ramonda sitting up and opening her arms to you.
“Come here.” she said, waiting patiently but firmly.
You were slow, but after a few deep breaths, you found yourself drawn to her touch, wanting that protection.
Her warm embrace seemed to ease your mind for the first time in a while. Her presence calmed you, and you felt cared for in a completely new way.
“It’s you and me, my love. I can assure you that you will never have to wake up without me by your side to ease your worry. My arms are your new home to know forever. They will be here whenever you need them. And I will always be here for you.”
#queen ramonda x female reader#queen ramonda angst#queen ramonda#queen ramonda x reader#ramonda x reader#black panther fanfiction#black panther fics
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The discovery that general paresis was caused by a bacterial microorganism and could be cured with penicillin reinforced the view that biological causes and cures might be discovered for other mental disorders. The rapid and enthusiastic adoption of electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), lobotomy, and insulin coma therapy in the 1930s and 1940s encouraged hopes that mental disorders could be cured with somatic therapies. Psychiatry's psychopharmacological revolution began in the 1950s, a decade that witnessed the serendipitous discovery of compounds that reduced the symptoms of psychosis, depression, mania, anxiety, and hyperactivity. Chemical imbalance theories of mental disorder soon followed (e.g., Schilkraudt, 1965; van Rossum, 1967), providing the scientific basis for psychiatric medications as possessing magic bullet qualities by targeting the presumed pathophysiology of mental disorder. Despite these promising developments, psychiatry found itself under attack from both internal and external forces. The field remained divided between biological psychiatrists and Freudians who rejected the biomedical model. Critics such as R. D. Laing (1960) and Thomas Szasz (1961) incited an “anti-psychiatry” movement that publicly threatened the profession's credibility. Oscar-winning film One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (Douglas & Zaentz, 1975) reinforced perceptions of psychiatric treatments as barbaric and ineffective.
In response to these threats to its status as a legitimate branch of scientific medicine, organized psychiatry embraced the biomedical model. [...] The publication of the DSM-III in 1980 was heralded by the APA as a monumental scientific achievement, although in truth the DSM-III's primary advancement was not enhanced validity but improved interrater reliability. Psychiatrist Gerald Klerman [...] remarked that the DSM-III “represents a reaffirmation on the part of American psychiatry to its medical identity and its commitment to scientific medicine” (p. 539, 1984). Shortly after publication of the DSM-III, the APA launched a marketing campaign to promote the biomedical model in the popular press (Whitaker, 2010a). Psychiatry benefitted from the perception that, like other medical disciplines, it too had its own valid diseases and effective disease-specific remedies. The APA established a division of publications and marketing, as well as its own press, and trained a nationwide roster of experts who could promote the biomedical model in the popular media (Sabshin, 1981, 1988). The APA held media conferences, placed public service spots on television and spokespersons on prominent television shows, and bestowed awards to journalists who penned favorable stories. Popular press articles began to describe a scientific revolution in psychiatry that held the promise of curing mental disorder. [...]
United by their mutual interests in promotion of the biomedical model and pharmacological treatment, psychiatry joined forces with the pharmaceutical industry. A policy change by the APA in 1980 allowed drug companies to sponsor “scientific” talks, for a fee, at its annual conference (Whitaker, 2010a). Within the span of several years, the organization's revenues had doubled, and the APA began working together with drug companies on medical education, media outreach, congressional lobbying, and other endeavors. Under the direction of biological psychiatrists from the APA, the NIMH took up the biomedical model mantle and began systematically directing grant funding toward biomedical research while withdrawing support for alternative approaches like Loren Mosher's promising community-based, primarily psychosocial treatment program for schizophrenia (Bola & Mosher, 2003). The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), a powerful patient advocacy group dedicated to reducing mental health stigma by blaming mental disorder on brain disease instead of poor parenting, forged close ties with the APA, NIMH, and the drug industry. Connected by their complementary motives for promoting the biomedical model, the APA, NIMH, NAMI, and the pharmaceutical industry helped solidify the “biologically-based brain disease” concept of mental disorder in American culture. Whitaker (2010a) described the situation thus:
In short, a powerful quartet of voices came together during the 1980s eager to inform the public that mental disorders were brain diseases. Pharmaceutical companies provided the financial muscle. The APA and psychiatrists at top medical schools conferred intellectual legitimacy upon the enterprise. The NIMH put the government's stamp of approval on the story. NAMI provided moral authority. This was a coalition that could convince American society of almost anything… (p. 280).
–Brett J. Deacon, "The biomedical model of mental disorder: A critical analysis of its validity, utility, and effects on psychotherapy research." Clinical Psychology Review 33 (2013), 846–861. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.09.007
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