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cosmosees · 3 years

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@realjolyne asked for the yukako cohet essay its going under the cut because i am going to sound like an insane person and it will be So Disjointed

ok so a lot of this is just headcanon/speculation to fill in gaps in canon but i think that interpreting yukako as a lesbian is like a very valid and honestly nearly canon compliant way to read her character. her two defining character traits are "likes koichi" and "massive bitch" and i know thats just how canon sees her but i honestly think like. she might see HERSELF that way

when you think about it for more than a few seconds koichi is....literally the least threatening man imaginable. tiny, babyfaced, polite and respectful. i think it can kind of be assumed like, outside of yukako generally being considered pretty she is not Especially well liked? she seems so cold to everyone who isnt koichi. i personally like to think that yukako has. A Lot Of Issues. about her self image. she definitely has some mental disorders going on, like the yandere trope is founded on bpd stereotypes (thats an essay for another day) and when i see her i generally like to think she just. feels that there is something so so deeply wrong with her that she doesnt have answers to that is going to be HARD to get answers to as a teenage girl in a small town in 1999

anyway back on koichi, i think a lot of their relationship is founded on her making an ideal version of himself in her head (constantly talking about making him the perfect man whenever he doesnt live up to her expectations) and my assumption is honestly like, koichi was nice to her in passing a few times and because she has Never Really Felt Anything For Another Man Before, this must be true love and destiny. she probably got really into just, daydreaming about what hers and koichis future would be like before even like, ever thinking to approach him and ask how he felt, because hes a boy and shes a girl! theyll end up together! thats how it goes! all while just, not wanting to address that she has issues in both her mental state and sexuality because shes scared of not being a perfect girl for koichi or whatever. the kidnapping thing is the lowest point in her character arc, her doing it out of pure desperation to feel fucking loved by someone. it was very much not an okay thing to do and honestly...even if you arent interpreting yukako as a lesbian it is best for them not to like. end up together later. i can see them as being friends again but koichi almost certainly has trauma after her first arc and i genuinely think that she lost the right to pursue him romantically when she kidnapped him and nearly killed him

i think that yukako upon getting closer with the (very obviously lgbt) main 3 teenagers platonically would do a lot for her character and she would eventually feel comfortable coming out and accepting herself but its a long rocky road and she definitely needs Fucking Therapy. there aren't really any canon girls to help her feel herself with (reimi is there but she moves on by the end of the series) but i think Someone will come for her. someday. she is capable of being loved. God i sound like an insane person rn

also this is entirely unrelated to the cohet essay but yukako should have gotten to fight kira ok post over

#cosmo.txt

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disaster-bay-leaf · 3 years

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Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)

4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99

I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡

uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨

4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?

hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between

and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)

6 - do you keep plants?

honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )

7 - do you name your plants?

yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj

9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?

oh god oh dude you have n o idea

i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time

12 - whats your favourite planet?

oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)

19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?

okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it

22 - are you a morning person?

n o

i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful

but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am

23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?

except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest

28 - sunrise or sunset?

i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock

but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose

33 - whats your fave pastry?

and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj

either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding

34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

awwww this is cute

okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes

46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of

what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*

47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)

52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?

the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj

but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too

as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about

59 - whats your favourite myth?

i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks

but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example

60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius

some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it

63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?

okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again

66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?

either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition

or something purple (maybe not belladonna)

83 - whats some of your favourite album art?

god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that

“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too

also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say

and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)

87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):

- the princess bride

- inception

- night at the museum

- SPIRITED AWAY

- forrest gump

- truman show

- E.T. (i cried okay)

- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)

- parasite

and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good

93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?

honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short

also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form

99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them

this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:

- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)

- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)

- tears and rain by james blunt

- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie

- almost home by mxmtoon

- anything by hozier really but shrike especially

- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)

- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)

- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers

- autoclave by the mountain goats

oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)

#smadhuman being pure af #bay answers #long post #very long post #ask #asks

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lixiefe · 4 years

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Thank you for talking about it sunshine, Idk if writing it down made you feel better but I am glad you did anyway, at least you have someone outside your family to talk to about it now.

First, your cousin (full offence meant) is doing a bad job at being a sister, you're not to be blamed, of course you'd trust your cousin, I'd too. It's really wrong of her to push you under the bus like that. However, I do get the feeling by your answer that your mother doesn't truly believe you are in a relationship, I mean think about what it, your mother knows you better tahn your aunt does (unless she doesn't, in which case I'm sorry), but considering you've always been an exemplary child and your sister and the rest of your cousins support you too I'd say your mom is probably more angry about you talking to a guy and being so trusting (always backfires) and I'm sure you've already done this and idk how the relationship dynamic between you and your mom is usually, but I had to sit down with my mom and hug her and promised her that my intention was never to 'get with a guy' or whatever. I remember crying but she did believe me, I'm sure your mom knows that you're usually not very social with people which makes an easy target unfortunately, I'm sorry Mal but people often play with nice people because of their inability to say no, it might have been funny for your cousin or she never expected the thing to get this big idk, if you always loved and cared for her then it's just sad that she did this, at the end of the day she lost one of the few people who was always ready to stand up for her and it's her loss. You learnt that sometimes it's better to not put yourself in situations under pressure (yeah, it seems right in beginning, you're finally getting out of your shell and making friends, and you don't have any feelings so it's all good, right? But because you're still new to this, you will tend to easily be pushed to do things or talk about random stuff that you wouldn't otherwise talk about, in those cases I suggest you shouldn't care about how bad the person might feel and tell them that you do not want to talk about it/be a part of something). Anyway, just talk to your mom with your sister around. I'm sure she'll come around herself in a bit, she loves you.

Sending you a virtual hug, please stay strong. It'll get better.

-💛

You understand me like no one else! How do you do that!?

I know my mom doesnt believe that i was in a relationship. She probably confronted me too aggressively when my relative accused me of being characterless. I know that she's afriad of defamation and the fact that everyone thinks her daughter isnt raised right. I'm sure she's scared about me too. Nonetheless, im her daughter and she loves me. My mother is kind of....i mean she didnt get counselling the time she needed it so she's gotten worse at the 'mental state" spectrum. So she sometimes blurts things thats she doesnt mean and the pain i recieve through that is also momentary. I completely understand that.

I'm also not the one who defended myself, its my sister. She went to great lengths and even showed my mom practical evidence that i'm in now way "a hoe". My mom kinda always makes it up to her 'irrational outburst' by buying us food or behaving EXTRA nice. And thats what im getting rn.

So yeah i already know the things you've said but i must say i will not talk to my mother about this anymore. I'm sure my aunt has been convincing enough in explaining my situation to my mom and if my mom still has suspicions, i'll let it be. My relative is also her cousin, maybe she's torn up on who to trust and who to choose. So what she thinks lies in the middle of 'mal talks with guys' and 'mal is pure' and i think thats okay. altho i'm still not fine with the fact that she strongly insists i talk with guys hours after hours at night but meh, she'll forget it. Not bringing up this matter keeps us the happiest and i kinda wanna keep it that way. I'll explain myself if my that cousin finds other ways to trap me in a humiliation again. (Believe me she brought up mew stories every other day like dont you have a life)

#thank you!#i can relate to your words so much!#your words are the exact things i say to myself when things get complicated again #but you dont need to worry #i'm quite observant and think things through a lot so i hopefully will not misunderstand my mom or anyone else #i am still humble yes but i have learned this lesson #and i'm gunna be very cautious about who to trust and who to say yes to #also who to support #maybe god put me in this situation for these lessons #i am opmistic bub #thanks again #💛 anon

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chonkyspacekitten · 5 years

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No reblog please

Idk i just wanna update on my life at the moment. Its been a while. I dont really like to talk about my relationship in public forums online and i also wanna give my mutuals an explantion for my splotchy texts cause i have like 80 something messages on here rn. Ive just been so busy and emotionally drained. Sorry if i message you after like a month, start a convo but then just trail off, then respond to that response 3 months later and trail off again-

sorry sometimes yall just miss my social window yall gotta be quicker😅😅😅

Kidding kidding, but once its closed, its closed until further notice. im sorry and im trying i cherish yall a lot, my mutuals and people i still text on here. But god texting has gotten so hard the past year idk why...

My regular texting sucks too so yall arent missing much btw but happy to obliged, it if anyones interest lol, along with my messenger im on FB a lot.

But anyways. My life for the past year.

Me and my girl are in the closet, everyone knows we are dating, besides her dad and town. He doesnt know and wow it feels like we're really getting away with something LMAO

We are long distance but we kinda do this back and forth thing whenever we can. Usually every 2-3 months. Like we'll stay at each other's houses for like weeks, and its become my 2nd home, and their parents love me, my dad loves her.

We are currently trying for jobs. We both have mental illness obvi, so its hard. Really really hard. But we are trying. We're saving up to move in together. Our situation isnt ideal rn we, dont really expect to even think about moving for about a year or 2, for multitude of reasons. It just isnt realistic.

I'm also trying for disability. Doing odd jobs like mowing the lawn...really relaxing.

Am In between saying fuck it and just getting a job RIGHT now or just waiting. I first applied for social security december of last year. Denied twice. Wish me luck, i may even have to get a lawyer.

Apparently you can have a job while on disability so long as you don't make too much money...and i want a job man, but with the way my mental state is...it would do me good to actually leave the house and try to get more human interaction besides just grocery shopping myself and going to the thrift shops by myself lol or the occasional movie outing with my gf

I now have a resume. And wanna work at the gas station, library and/or Dollar tree near me. All of which im pretty comfy at. Wish me luck.

My mental health recovery...this has been a year of breakthroughs man im really making strides

Im discovering more and more traumas. Learning how to deal with shit. Its been hell for my depression but ive been growing and evolving and becoming more in tune with myself and my emotions and shit

Me and my partner are doing okay. We are okay and healthy. They have a therapist too now!

We are doing so good. We are able to be so vulnerable with each other. We talk for hours until we figure out a miscommunication. She holds me like a baby, she just squeezes the pain out of me , ive never had anyone try to understand me the way Amy does. And i give the same back. I cant keep my eyes and hands to myself. I have to look away when i stare at her for more than 2 seconds, i just cant

My heart feels with so much joy that it scares me and it feels like im gonna burst

Ive never felt this way before, about anyone

My ex? Whos a guy? And any other person ive had interest in?

The fact that most of the people ive been into have all acted "feminine", been fellow genderqueer, but AMAB at the time, and 2 have both come out as trans girls at some point...shouldve been a sign lmao. But nope, "i like guys...i like girls but cant imagine myself being romantically involved with a girl, only sexual . Guys more so emotionally i guess. *has literally never imagined actively living with a man before, getting married. Didnt even want to meet my first bf irl. But looked at boobs and was that 12 year old with a lesbian porn and hentai tiddie addiction*....yes im straight :)"

Actually coming to the realization that i can have a wife...wow that shook me. Id never considered. Or thought realistic. i was "normal", what compulsory heterosexuality wanted me to believe.

Im still struggling coming to terms in my sexuality. Been in straight up denial since i was early teens but ive known i was different since 8. Im growing in this area too, im trying. We both are actually.

1 year, 7 months ❤

We are both genderqueer demisexual sapphics/wlw❤❤

To all my sapphics in the closet with partners, i wish to you my luck and blessings

We are allowed to be happy, no one can change us

We are allowed to have happy endings, and we can whether the straights like it or not.

Tl;dr: doin really good, hard year of growth but making strides in my sexuality, relationship, goals and ambitions. Pretty grand.

#me.txt #wlw positivity #mental illness positivity #good vibes #lgbtq #genderqueer #nonbinary

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mental-health-advice · 6 years

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Submission from Oxford

(1/?) Hello this may be long. Tag as Oxford. So Ive either had really great mental health or poor mental health. I struggled w depression for awhile and the verge of an eating disorder but I am good with those now. Apparently I have anxiety but i disagree (just because I think doesnt mean Im anxious?). But there is always something going on. Currently, I am content but I find myself ABRUPTLY emotional and nearly on the verge of tears over random things (an old woman was my cashier today—

(2/?) —and I nearly cried in my car because I just got sad wondering if she was alone, she sounded so alone. Some things have randomly have a super big impact on me, like abnormally. This is an example of what I think is wrong with me; except I am contenr. I am fairly happy I think. Another example of a bad period I went through was 7-8 months ago where I couldnt tell what was reality and what wasnt, I disassociated for nearly 3 weeks and then was immediately fine afterwards. Then—

(3/?) After those three weeks and then being fine, I was put on pills for “anxiety” and nearly got hospitalized (TRIGGER WARNING!) because I was happy but I was so intrigued in killing myself. I wanted to cut my arms open so badly. But I felt fine. Then that period ended and I’ve been fairly normal besides “anxiety.” So this has been my life for four years now: I experience a bad period like depression, starving, disassociating, suicidal thoughts, etc, but in between them, I feel—

(4/?) perfectly fine and happy, maybe some true anxiety but nothing bad. And Ive seen a counselor two separate times, the first time was foe 6ish months and she felt I was good enough to stop seeing her and I agreed (I was in a “perfectly fine” state). Same thing happened the second time (sent back after I was threatened to be hospitalized) . But it seems that after I stop seeing her, even though it comes to a point where there is no help from seeing her, it seems that after—

(5/?) i stop seeing her then something goes completely wrong (the dissociative period for example or this period i in rn). Idk. I think there is something wrong woth me (but at the same time I think there isnt bc I dont have “anxiety” as people think and things like that) but idk how to approach it. I feel like there are two Me’s and one is always trying to shine, which is why sometimes I feel like I am drastically messed up and other times I feel I am perfectly “normal” —

(6/?) Is this abnormal? If so, not asking for a diagnosis, but what’s an opinion on what this is so I could possibly bring it up?? Also also, I dont know how I could bring this up bc people see me as a hypochondriac so I feel i wouldnt be taken seriously— the last time i saw a doctor it was bc j thought i had ocd (another thing, i am “borderline ocd” but i get offended when people think i have anxiety???) but then I had that “perfectly normal” phase again so I feel like Im so left—

(7/?) and right and up and down with myself that it’s hard to even tell what’s wrong if something is wrong. I dont know I dont even know why I sent these in. I forgot my point. Sometimes I just get so into a rambly “something is seriously wrong with me” mood but I feel im just being a “anxious hypochondriac” if I say anything and I dont want to be embarrassed to see a counselor for a third time for s third separate issue. Im sorry this was such a ramble bc I forgot my points—

(8/8) But if anything I said makes sense, please respond to it with as much as you can. I dont think my mind is supposed to be a ferris wheel. And if yall think this is something I should bring up with someone (maybe im in a mania or depressive phase???), that would be great. Thank you and sorry again

Hello Oxford,

Firstly, no need to be sorry! We’re here to listen and help in whatever way we can. So thank you for sending in the message - it’s great that you’re looking for some answers and some support.

I think that if you feel there’s something wrong with the way you’re feeling, then there is something wrong. We’re the most in-tune people with our own bodies and minds, and we know best when something is off. It sounds like you’ve been getting some support for a while, but it hasn’t necessarily been the support that you need. That can definitely leave you in a state of confusion, where things are just staying the same and you’re wondering if things will change.

Although we can’t diagnose you, as we’re not medical professionals, I can say that your symptoms can be a part of a number of mental illnesses. Things like depressive disorders can often come in waves where you feel them intensely for a period of time, then get a break of calm for a while, only to have that wave come back and hit you. Is it possible that those time where you are feeling content, you’re actually feeling detached, or emotionless? Or are you truly fine in those times? It’s something to think about - both types of things can happen in different disorders.

I think that following this, the best thing to do is to get some support on board that is actually helpful for you. The diagnosis that you have is causing you to feel uneasy, as you don’t feel like it fits you, so I think a good place to start is seeing someone who can assess your diagnosis. This might be your family doctor, or you could ask to be referred to a clinical psychologist (must be a clinical psychologist - regular psychologists do not have the training to diagnose) or a psychiatrist. We have a page here on How To Get Help that has some tips on asking for that kind of support. What would be best is being upfront and to the point with your doctor by saying you have been diagnosed with anxiety, but you don’t feel like that’s right and want to be reassessed so that you can get proper treatment. If you don’t feel confident that your doctor will listen, I encourage you to try seeing some different doctors around your area until you find someone that you feel comfortable with. Your comfort and being listened to is very important.

When you do see the person who can diagnose you, I think you should start by explaining what you said to the doctor. They’ll then look at history and symptoms. Be as open and honest as possible, as this will help them determine what is really the underlying problem. Also know that sometimes diagnosis doesn’t happen straight away. I’ve personally started seeing a clinical psychologist for re-evaluation of my own diagnosis, and we’ve have 4 sessions together and he doesn’t yet feel confident in giving a diagnosis. That’s okay - sometimes it takes a bit of chatting, hearing the history, then hearing how everyday life affects you before anything can be determined.

I also want to let you know that if you ever see a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist or anyone that you don’t connect with, or you don’t feel like they listen to you, it is completely within your rights to seek the help from another doctor. It’s important to get the type of support that you personally need, and sometimes it can take a few goes before you meet the person who gives that support. Just make sure to maintain the balance of giving them a chance, and finding what suits you!

Lastly, know that there is nothing wrong for seeking help a third time. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve cycled through therapist and psychologists over the years. If you need help, you need help, and there’s nothing wrong with that. They are there to offer support, and you don’t need to feel embarrassed for asking for help. So please do reach out.

We also have some links here that may help you. Here are some Helplines and Web Counsellors that you can chat to at any time about what you’re feeling. It can help to let it out, and have someone help you find the direction that you need to go. I feel like this may be really helpful for you. We also have a list of Recovery Tools here, which may help you in the times where your emotions become overwhelming.

I hope these tools help you, and that you’re able to reach out for some more support to look in the diagnosis and some coping techniques. You don’t need to feel embarrassed for seeking help - it is exactly what they are there for. Good luck to you, and please don’t hesitate to contact us again if you need.

Positive thoughts your way, Alexandria.

#oxford #submission #mhaalexandria #mental health advice #advice #advice blog #mental health #anxiety #emotions #diagnosis #doctors #therapists #getting help

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somnilogical · 6 years

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petty bitch

[22:58] somni: this body is really pretty 2 me rn [23:14] somni: that lasted 16 minutes [23:59] somni: okay this is super petty but im kind of annoyed that porpentine

>talks big about the experience of being ugly and gross >has a fleshform thats amazingly pretty

i feel so betrayed??? (i dont actually feel betrayed, i just feel i want to be pretty)

i wanna be pretty so bad

i wish i could stop wanting to look pretty and okay

ill probably end up having an abstract n dimensional figure if i have a form. idk if id still use a vision analogue in simspace

liike non-passing -> passing as 10000-dimensional representation of parts of my psyche

i kind of wish i could look nice in the middle(edited) 24 March 2018 [00:00] somni: kind of sad but at least i look better than i did before hormones [00:42] somni: okay

i think ill acknowledge petty and hug her but not let her front because letting things front makes them stronger? [00:43] somni: i think. ive read this no strong experience corroborating it with 2 sec of thought [00:45] SmolDuck: I think uhhh It’s important to try to like make sure all your subagents have their needs met and letting them front can lead to them taking care of their needs and then going to bed and leaving you be, while keeping them from fronting can lead to them going crazy and driving you nuts [00:45] SmolDuck: it can also lead to them sabotaging things tho so [00:47] somni: i knoooow mertl i originally wrote ‘fork’ [00:47] somni: because i also thought that and wasnt sure!! [00:48] somni: this is actually a hard choice for me,!,! [00:48] somni: but specifically petty i will ask her what is up [00:48] SmolDuck: sounds like you might want to gather experimental data by trying each path and seeing how it goes [00:48] somni: and not go autobloodlet [00:49] somni: hmmmmmm its haaard to be systemic about this thouuuugh thats a cached thought and may be #invalid [00:50] somni: (all thoughts are valid ooohh bb im so sorry for saying that omg. what was i thinking) [00:51] somni: i think the cached thought might be inaccurate [00:52] SmolDuck: nodnod [00:52] SmolDuck: outdated [00:52] SmolDuck: obsolete [00:53] somni: i want to try reinforcing things that i want to be stronger hmmmmmmmm [00:53] somni: merrr and talk privately with the other voices?

that would annoy me if people did that tho [00:54] somni: less so if they listened and changed policies based on my input? [00:55] somni: idk i dont like to declare things conserved quantities, because particular kind of zero sum thinking can cause lock in…. in most people i dont think it would lock me in because im actually good at noticing this

but it does seem like these two things trade off(edited) [00:56] SmolDuck: Hmmmmm [00:57] SmolDuck: Gentle reminder that this is not at all a private location for talking to your voices [00:59] somni: this is true [01:00] somni: the voices are #screaming tho and i gotta process

so like i thiiink that i want to be able to shift between these states depending on a thing but i d k what the thing is [01:01] SmolDuck: External cue? [01:02] somni: like between the states of letting everymodule out and trying to reinforce what ecosystem i want to have (who i want to beee) [01:03] somni: im keeping this post https://radimentary.wordpress.com/2018/01/16/the-solitaire-principle-game-theory-for-one/ in the back of my mind as a guiding framework when i say this(edited) [01:05] somni: and have been thinking of incentivizing and reinforcing parts of me i want (different but not disjoint from what i find pretty) [01:10] somni: i was also thinking of the process by which i passively gain most of my updates in personality traits and aesthetics and beliefs

where you have:

evaluate {laugh, aesthetic response, ooh i like it!} inspect for coherence with other parts (okay i often skip over this but also sometimes do it here instead of later) mirror the thing i like reinforce pattern by imitating independently let other people who have the pattern do discernment on your imitation, take criticism [01:11] somni: –

its like getting minor updates on all your programs nbd. passive growth / expansion [01:13] somni: –

but this is like directed towards growth and change which is different from being okay with and acknowledging the parts you currently have… except its not?

not really? not the way i do it

i mean yes its a different process but i d k if the two actually trade off in me when i do this thing

i was. autocompleting from memories of others subjective experience reports [01:13] somni: hmmmmmmmm [01:15] somni: i could probably both accept parts of me while reinforcing other parts at the same time [01:15] somni: meeevvvvvvvv okay so the thing nathan said is also a good observation that we also noted [01:15] somni: wanna address that [01:16] SmolDuck: wait which thing [01:16] SmolDuck: I say a lot of things [01:16] SmolDuck: fully half of them are framed to sound insightful but are actually kind of bullshit [01:16] somni: I think uhhh It’s important to try to like make sure all your subagents have their needs met and letting them front can lead to them taking care of their needs and then going to bed and leaving you be, while keeping them from fronting can lead to them going crazy and driving you nuts [01:16] SmolDuck: oh, yeah that one I endorse [01:16] somni: me too! [01:16] somni: i think!! [01:17] SmolDuck: ……uh [01:17] SmolDuck: if you did disagree, what would your disagreement be? is maybe a good way to find out [01:18] somni: let me think

ummm i might want to ask the subagent what its going to do [01:18] somni: if it fronts and talk with it [01:20] somni: but idk why do the council of elders have to be in concordance before i do anything

they dont thats literally not how you work

but i mean like in the ideal, or like in this ideal

we talked with person about how we have the council of all the parts of you, they talk it out and give their cases and then if their cases dont agree with you, you throw them out and do what you wanna do(edited) [01:21] somni: um! ！！ [01:21] somni: there are like three different alerts saying that’s wrong [01:22] somni: >yeah but one of them is our sim of nathan’s reaction so we can throw it out [01:22] SmolDuck: I endorse that [01:23] SmolDuck: if you want my reaction I can give it to you directly [01:23] SmolDuck: if you don’t want my reaction, toss your simmed version [01:23] somni: omg okay i miiight endorse this way of choosing

it is consonant with the way of choosing where to live where you have a bunch of spreadsheets and crunch the numbers and if in the end you dont like what the numbers say, throw them out and move where you wanna [01:24] somni: but its important to deliberate first because figuring out what choice you want to make is not always clear [01:26] somni: but also sidenote most choices branch out and then converge to roughly the same endpoint and for these you can actually do whatever you want without consideration as long as you can identify this sort of structure well [01:29] somni: um this is related to impulsive longsightedness where you mentally model the state of your body 1 day in the future and see that you are more or less safe invariant over a wide range of actions. so you are free to do fun and weird stuff. (that often looks really impulsive and reckless to people who are running shortsighted or people running 24hr!longsighted but who occupy a different epistemic state. but ime most of the objections and autoresponses come from people running shortsighted.)(edited) [01:32] somni: –

ooookaaay coming back to… what was the thing before the branch?

how to choose!

you have a bunch of voices in your head! how do we determine how fronting works and whats a good idea and how to pursue goals

and whose goals matter and how the system will grow and change and what parts of it to practice

okay stating it right here, evermodule’s goals matter [01:32] somni: >matter

like every module gets to be heard [01:50] somni: hmmmmm

this looks like a Project

okay!

so i want to be able to direct my growth #VALID

i also want to be able to tend to the parts of me [like id tend to a garden] #VALID

i dont have to maintain and reinforce things i dont want to grow in to #VALID what?! how is this valid??

>so look if i grow into new things and go in new directions, old things that are depricaded kind of iwhrvissh… i want to say fade away but idk what happens. they stop existing as much. stop being as available and salient?

i think there’s an important distinction between actively going around optimizing for killing parts of you. and like growing outwards into something new and the old stuff doesnt get that much reinforcement anymore because you cant hold on to everything, and even of i could i don’t want to?

some old parts are depricaded because they are clearly inferior on all fronts from their replacement, some because im not that interested anymore

maybe this is deathism? (mer what is it doing that causes harm though?) i may want to keep more in the gtf but not everything. though rn i want a memory with no non-con deletions [02:01] somni: -

okay

i want to be able to reinforce stuff i like and grow directedly

um does this mean things that want to cant go out to play sometimes?

wait okay i think we are talking about different things because there are a lot of desires and stuff that you cant make die by not feeding them? the will to masturbate under t being one of them

i feel there’s a distinction between the thing you are talking about and other sorts of values and desires that are embedded in people.

um im addressing both the hard to get rid of and the more ephemeral things like 'hi im workethic bot!’…. my work ethic, when i have it does not sound like that but okay. and also 'work ethic’ isnt a native concept??? it isnt part of us yet but i know it as a thing that is part of other people.

maybe its part of us but havent really processed what 'work ethic’ is in internal terms when people use it. i think we have something different than the median meaning of work ethic but also it could be projected down to 'work ethic’ for legibility and people would still be able to follow most sentences i would output with the concept. …. given that i also worked to make the other stuff 'legible’. i hate the word 'legible’ now!!!

>why tho?

it is overused and i feel like you papered over subtleties there and there are more good details. buuuut ill think about this later. [02:07] somni: -

okay!

back to what i was thinking about. i think that

k, lotsa agents up in this skull

stilll we think directed growth is nice and i think im okay with letting parts be deprecated

so a core problem here is that fronting does more than one thing!!!

so far im tracking two things i think fronting does:

(1) lets a module take full control of the body so it can get its needs met (2) reinforces the strength of the module [02:08] somni: -

autoquestion: (can we seperate these things?) are there other ways to let a module get its needs met besides fronting? are there ways to reinforce the strength of modules without fronting?(edited) [02:11] somni: @SmolDuck also im on 20 mg moda which i think accounts for a bit of why im Like This. but ooh! what do you think about the separability of the things? [02:14] SmolDuck: Hmmmmm [02:14] somni: ill take some l theanine to help CALM and help the comedown process go smoothly

(i think im coming down a bit) (im p sure this is moda comedown qualia) [02:15] SmolDuck: It depends on the need [02:15] SmolDuck: Seraph does better the less they front, currently [02:15] SmolDuck: the little one needs gentleness and respect [02:16] somni: nodnod [02:17] SmolDuck: if their need is like, 'attention’ they might need to front to get that fulfilled [02:17] SmolDuck: if their need is 'feeling safe’ then they can do that without fronting [02:17] SmolDuck: in my personal experience, ymmv, ianad, etv [02:18] somni: (i think im only a little more than median fragmented but of people in my fragmentation reference class im a LOT more self-aware of the thing) [02:18] somni: nod

hmmm [02:21] somni: you are very focused on taking care of parts and this is good and a thing to do…….

i dont think im as attached to parts-as-they-are but like parts that are anthropically called into existence because they can optimize over a thing (like if a module for containing anxiety isnt good at it, it sort of dies and is replaced with a new pattern; whatever anxiety containment module i have after a bit is a result of an iterative process like this*)

hmmmmmm

i do care about their welfare, but i think i care about them differently?? its hard to put my finger on(edited) [02:24] somni: *i also have spiritual feelings about this wrt people. where problems form voids in space to be filled by people who have shaped themselves to solve the problem [02:25] SmolDuck: hmmmm [02:26] somni: <i <l<3ve3 my spiritual feelings3 [02:31] somni: liike i think okayness works differently when parts of you keep getting replaced and this is standard operating procedure

whereas your parts seem like humans who eat soup and live in a village together and talk

and less like theyll quickly die and be replaced with another thing when the problem shifts [02:31] SmolDuck: nod [02:31] somni: wow okay i have low confidence in this model of my structure but it is like 1/3 right [02:31] somni: maybe 2/3? [02:32] SmolDuck: ………idek if any of us like soup [02:33] somni: hm i meant soup as a stand in for comfort and eating [02:33] SmolDuck: Ahhh [02:33] SmolDuck: I think we like clam chowder [02:35] somni: also im on moda so a lot of the descriptions will be biased towards mania / inducing in me a visceral sense of motion i thiink (die and be replaced is motion-y) [02:35] SmolDuck: ahh [02:35] somni: oooh…. everyone likes clam chowder? [02:38] SmolDuck: yeah [02:38] SmolDuck: some things, we all like, cause they’re pleasant for our body [02:40] somni: wheeew

this is better than last time

wait last time was 50 mg; okay i feel like i might be approaching the harsh meta-ing out event horizon and id want my squid module analogue to help keep calm [02:40] somni: –

hm it is nice that you can agree on something [02:41] SmolDuck: we cooperate pretty well now that we’ve actually talked about this and agreed that mutual cooperation is optimal [02:44] somni: like i can do better meta but at the event horizon things become a Lot and stuff dissolves and syntax feels like an illusion and things connect to other things without bottoming out and stuff dissolves

idk i feel like it diverges from metacog, though the chemicals help metacog in some ways [02:47] somni: okayyy feeling better

i dont need to be so tied to this visceral experience but also have the impulse that i want people with me

it doesnt affect my core i dont think which means panic attack is probs not going to happen [02:49] somni: -

if i become enlightened do i have to let go of drama? (no)

okay good because i like drama and snark and all that gay stuff [02:55] somni: -

so like ive been okay the whole time im so proud of me? im able to meditate in the eye of the storm, of course ive maintained calm under much more difficult circumstances but that was unexpected and i improvised as best i could.

i feel like i can actually do this reliably?

i still have the urge to grouse about it and snark which is spooooky why is this still appealing? is it blindsight grousing? force of habit? if im still attached and want to grouse maybe i havent let… something… go completely? idk what i mean by 'let something go’ but i def mean something [03:14] somni: @SmolDuck thanks for talking with me [03:15] SmolDuck: 👍👌

#who do you want to be and why?#copy pasted from discord #high on life #modafinil is part of life #will you take me as i am?

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sanshine · 4 years

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tw suicidal thoughts ---- this is rly long bc i needed to vent so im rly sorry ---- i was just. feeling super gross and felt like no one rly cares bc im not good enough for anyone (mainly my three irls bc one is really mad at me for telling her that her apology to me bringing up smth that bothered me didnt seem genuine),,, and my family isnt the most supportive of me being trans. my dad doesnt know bc i refuse to tell him bc hes made some really transphobic comments in the past,,, i really want to start transitioning but i have no way of doing so bc of finances and my mom isnt willing to help... and then the amount of pressure my mom has on me rn bc she wants me to get a job even tho ive told her im focusing on other things (like school) and my mental state isnt the best rn either, but she refuses to believe me,, shes threatened to kick me out for being honest w her too.... all of these things kinda,,, built up and i just went down the spiral of "im not good enough so no one will miss me" and stuff--- i wont actually attempt anything tho!! i have cats to take care of and ik some people will miss me. but im like. rly nervous to tell anyone irl bc i dont wna go to the mental hospital ever again bc it was so shitty both times i was there ;_; ill bring this all up to my therapist on wednesday, i just,,, needed to get it out rn? im sorry,, but i pinky promise im feeling safe rn!! - ian

okay, first of all, i’m glad you’re feeling safe!!!

second of all, i’m also very glad you let it out. i know it sucks to bottle things up, it’s legit the worst thing you can do because after a while those things will get to you and then result in a breakdown like you had earlier today, you know? so the first step towards helping yourself is telling someone! venting to someone you trust!! whether its an irl friend or an internet stranger, it doesnt matter because saying those things out loud and actually putting your thoughts into words has this effect on our brains that a burden has been lifted from our shoulders you know what i mean? there’s also this very lovely website called 7 cups or something like that where people volunteer to be listeners and just listen to people and talk about their problems and it’s actually very helpful! so by all means, vent away <3

sorry that i dont have much else to say to this though, i understand that things are kinda tough for you because of your situation, so i’m just sending you lots of love and support and hope that things will go well for you <3

#and you're always welcome to vent to me!!!#no need to be sorry either <3 #ian ❄#anon #reply

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northwestnurse · 7 years

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The perfect storm that UK nursing faces - healthcare/political post

Okay so some of you may remember last year when I was posting about how nurses have suffered years of pay freezes and due to rising cost of living, inflation etc, the average nurse was thousands worse off, with some leaving the profession or taking extra jobs to make up for the deficit in their wages. At present, nurses are 14% worse off than they were in 2010, and is predicted to drop a further 2.6k by 2020 against inflation

We were eventually ‘rewarded’ a 1% pay rise which meant nothing because in the same year inflation increased by 2.6% and our national insurance contribution increased which effectively meant we had received a pay cut… yet again. This pay increase was recommended by the NHS Pay review body in their 30th report, 2017 (see 1), however because of the government imposed pay cap we could not get higher than 1%, and the review body explicitly stated that this could not go on.

A nurse currently starts on 22.5kish and can work their way up to 28kish. This is a band 5 registered nurse , and this pay is across the board via Agenda For Change, a national pay system for NHS staff regulated . Only private companies can pay equivalent nurses more. We cannot just ask for pay rises, we have to lobby the government. To get any higher than this 28k, one must become a band 6+ nurse and this means becoming a specialist, or into a more managerial role. It means that thousands of experienced nurses with decades in the NHS won’t receive more than 28k a year.

Alongside this Nursing is rightfully a graduate profession needing a Bachelors Degree to register, however training bursaries have been scrapped which means student nurses now have to pay to train to be a nurse (it used to be free). I’m sure my US friends will think this normal, BUT student nurses have to work 37.5hrs per week for the NHS for free to be able to pass their degree. So they are paying to work. This has led to a 23% drop in nursing university applications

All this means we are struggling to recruit and retain nurses. There are now more nurses leaving the nursing register than there are joining . 1 in 3 nurses are coming up to retirement age, so this means we are going to lose many more. We are also losing thousands of European nurses because of Brexit .Currently we are short of 41,000 nurses (see 2.) and this will only increase.

One thing Health Education England has decided to do is invent a new role called the Nursing Associate which was supposed to ‘bridge the gap’ between health care assistants and registered nurses. A potentially valuable role, but ignores the fact we already have Assistant Practitioners who do fit this gap already, and do it extremely well. Instead of funding nurses money was put into training these who were supposed to support RNs. They will do a foundation degree one day a week for 2 years alongside working in the NhS. However as some of us predicted, some trusts are converting nurse vacancies into nursing associate posts and have cut RN places to make way for this support role, ignoring the evidence that graduate RN reduce mortality rates. This creates a huge safety concern and also threatens the RN job security because some chief nurses have said it makes sense for the NA to take over RN tasks to ‘free up RN for advanced practice and supervision’ aka being the paperwork pushers and assessors whilst NA do the jobs we became nurses to do. The Nursing Associate will be paid less than an RN, but will be allowed to do the majority of tasks that an RN does - which begs the question, if we - for example - need three years of medicines management to safely administer meds, why are they allowed to after doing only 1 day a week at uni (cramming in all sorts of subjects) for two years? Unfortunately with the amount of underfunding and shortage going on, hospital trusts are just going to see people who can do a job for cheaper, rather than looking at it more broadly and seeing that anyone can be trained to complete an action, but it needs education to complete it to the same standard and with the same reduced mortality and good outcomes an RN has be proven to produce. It also really isnt fair on these Trainee Nursing Associates as they came to bridge the gap, not replace the RN for far less pay. I'm lucky to have worked with some and they have been amazing as trainees, but should never be seen as a sub for registered nurses

So all this, along with the deliberate underfunding of the NHS has created a perfect storm. This summer was a 'summer of protest’ in which nurses protested for fair pay. Last month it was announced that our pay cap was to be scrapped however no pay restoration or rise was given. Our challencellor then said that if we are to be given a pay rise we must be more productive, ignoring the fact nurses already are looking after too many patients (the ratio on my acute med-surg ward is 8-10:1 and 13:1 at night) are not getting breaks, are working extra hours for no pay, are at their wits end and routinely suffering mental and physical health problems due to the role. Today was the UK government’s autumn Budget statement and we expected a pay rise to be announced. This was not the case. Instead we got told that our Agenda For Change pay structure is being subjected to ‘reform negotiations’ by our Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt (who no-one likes, sorry but not sorry) and if these reforms bear fruit, only then would there be money released from the budget for our pay rises/restoration.

So basically it seems like the Agenda For Change pay structure, which you can read more about here, will be changed and only then will we receive a pay rise. But what changes? We all know these changes cannot possibly be for our benefit if only when they are changed will we receive extra money. Many of us believe our unsociable hours enhancements will be targeted and removed - at the minute we are paid extra for nights, weekends etc. This is something that has been attempted in the past and something they’d love to get their hands on. It’ll be a case of robbing Peter to pay Paul, either way we win nothing.

In the long run the patients suffer. They’re the ones who need nurses. Nurses we are currently struggling to not only recruit but retain.

So yeah, thats it in a nutshell in my words and with the factual stuff cited. The next few years are going to be… interesting to say the least.

1. NHS Pay Review Body - Thirtieth Report (2017)

2. OME analysis of Health Education England data (2016)

#nursing #uk #england #nurse #student nurse #healthcare #medical #medicine #politics #nhs #health

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anondt-blog · 6 years

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fairy lights + 11:11 -rockstardolan :)

IF THIS ISNT ACTUALLY LUNA HAHAHAH Fairy lights - If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? A: Honestly, it would have to be the people I’m surrounded by in my... major adult life? like house, kids, career? what the fuck is gunna happen to me? am I gunna be okay? like dude what the fuck WILL MY LIFE BE I THINK ABOUT THIS TOO MUCH HAHAH V: i wouldn't want to know too much you get me? I would just ask if I’m meant for success in my life so i can drive myself to that success of what i want. I would go with the flow but be guiding that flow 11:11 - Name 3 wishes and why you wish for them. A: 1. Besides my sister, I always wish or wonder who the person is gunna be to sweep me off my feet, or who the other half is. It’s an abyss of a thought lmfao 2. I ALWAYS wish for things like my success and leaving the state and starting a family and being so happy wherever I am. This is because of the broken home V and I have grown up in, I just want to provide the BEST for everyone I am surrounded by 3. This is more of a right now wish, but i constantly find myself thinking I need to commit to myself before I spread myself thin. This doesn’t even go for romantic relationships, but all. From my sister to a stranger, if I want to be the best for someone or everyone else, I need to be able to do that for me first. So, self success and enlightenment, an ongoing lesson... lol sorry this was so longV: 1) i actually wish i was more active as a kid. Physically and mentally , I was distant and shy with many things so i wish i grew out of that waayy sooner plus to be in a sport would’ve been a healthy, cool thing.

2) I would wish for everyone to find love, with a significant other or themselves, there’s too much hate being spread rn :/

and 3) I wish i could just have a day with a really cool mutual i met on here ! Take her to disneyland and we can talk about anything and everything :)

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eternalpiss · 7 years

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02-28-17 asks

• what would u name ur future kids ? - if a girl id name them either hebatullah or hayden and if a boy id name him felix or mordecai • what r u looking forward to ? - going to disney soon ! • is there anyone who can always make u smile ? - my best friend piper definitely • have u ever cried bc u were so annoyed ? - i cry bc of like loud noises and when people interrupt me / don't listen to me • r u good at hiding ur feelings ? - yes definitely nobody knows i still self harm + has attempted suicide • how do u feel rn ? - i have a headache but im decent and kinda bored • personality description - a contradictory ass bitch,, one second im super happy the next i wanna slice myself open. but like i love meme humor, i play guitar hero + borderlands too much, im hella shy but would probably punch you if you get on my bad side (which isnt hard to do). im a huge nerd who would ruin my life if i could without feeling guilty • have u ever been to new york ? - yeah ! i drive through it every time i drive down to florida and ive been to the statue of liberty for my washington dc trip in eighth grade ! • bday ? - december 30th • fear(s) ? - ooh boy here we go. needles, deep oceans, public speaking, failure, gaining weight, balloons (ah okay shush), rape, murder, kidnapping, public humiliation, men (to an extent i have really bad trust issues), immortality, natural disasters, crowds, basically fucking everything tbh • height ? - about 5'5", 5'6" ? • role model(s) - tyler joseph, josh dun, melanie martinez, basically all my favorite artists who went through some shit but are conquering it • I'll love you if... - you aren't afraid of my mental state, help me through shit and don't make me feel bad bc im like this, and tbh if u aren't afraid to go all the way and go crazy • favorite TV show(s)? - shameless, rupauls drag race, south park, futurama, impractical jokers, etc.. • three random facts ? - im a vegetarian, i have over 15 tattoos, my plugs are stretched to size zero lol im not interesting • r ur friends mainly girls or guys ? - in middle school before everybody moved it was actually mainly guys but now it's mainly girls • favorite actresses / actors ? - kate mckinnon, uhmmm i dont know anything about actors • favorite comedian(s) ? - BO BURNHAM

#asks

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anti-transphobia · 7 years

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IF YOU CANT SCROLL DOWN AND TELL THIS POST IS REALLY LONG THE SHORTEET ANR BEST I COULD GET IT WITH MY CURRENT SITUATUATION IS THE HEART BULLETS SO IF YOU WANNA REQD ANYRHINT AT ALL I RECCOMEND THAT UNLESS YOU UAVE A GOOD ATTENTION SPAN AND/OR ARE INTERESTED AND THE AFFECTS OF CERTAIN DRUGS ON PEOPLE OR U IF YOU WNNA KNO W HOE UNBEARABLEBYOULL BE IF YOU DO DUMB SHIT AND TRY TO KILL YOURSELF WITH MEDS

Even if i "sound" (by how im typing) like im fine right now please please keep in mind i am not. I am in physical pain and will be for a while which will disable me for a while. i hope that isnt ableist to say? Its true i will be temporarily unable to walk and when i can not for long and without hurtint myself. It may not be the best choice of words but im not sure. Please correct me if im wront and i hope im not asking for all kinds of special treatmeant but please be kind about it. Being in a bad place doesny make it okay but i do need peoppes kid gloves on right now or else i may make some person who may just be trying to help feel bad abt themselves for possibly making me more depressed and suicidal. I know this is a good posibility if people arent gentle with me but it doesnt mean i can stop how i feel if it happens. Back to the topic which i cant even remember (im gonna reiterate this destroys my memory as well as ability to focus on something which is a dangerous combo) so it may not ah make any fucking sense. It sounds like i was talking abt how much pain im still in with a focus on my physical pain instead of my mental and how it stills affects and limits me. Well. Not sure where i was going with that and while if youre one of those ppl who get concerned over strangers ans stuff uh i forgot what i was writit here! Honestly no exaggeration. I thought abt my fp for a split second and ive already lost my point. I suppose i coulve just deleter the sentence and skipped that or tjought of something else to say but in case youre the one forgettib somethin here, rambling side affect. I am on the verge of making this a 20 page post abt how i cant stop ramblint while im saying im rambling. Sorry so sorry i have little control over every part of me, inside my brain and out under normal circumstances so ywah its 10000× worse now. Attempting to get back on poiny again, i think ppl who get worriee abt others easily shouldbt worrt too much abt whether im gonna die right now bc it all depends on how fast i recover and whether my parents are working today so i have tue chance to harm myself more. God i have no idea whwt rhie post means or was supposed to be abt. Ill try to summarize what i thini is goin on ans what i was truna say BAD SUMMARY POSSIBLY UNLESS I KNOW MYSELF PRETTY WELL WHICH I THINK I DO: ☆im not healed yet im still dealing with a lot of things rn even though i may still appear okay to some. While ppl on the verge of attemptiny suicide or harming themsepves have just as valid feelings as people who actually do, and being close to hurtiny yourself takes definite time to heaol, im going to go out on a hopefully not rude or bad limb and say ppl who actually do it generally need more recovery time and ppl need to understand the healing wont be as fast as it may be if nothit was actually done ☆ i forgot the second thing so ill write this here as a genuine and unnppanned reminder that this is having very clear affects on me. Also the laco of sleep for over a day is gonna fuk w me on its own combinee with drug usage soo yeh ☆ i remember now ppl who get concerner shouldbt be too concerned abt me dying atm or in a too near future ☆ i dont encourage ppl to worry abt me and the fact some ppl aay they do feels like a joke to me but there are definately things to worry abt. Even if you think physical health is less important than mental health which most ppl unfortunately dont see them as equal, my physical health and mental health are connected in many ways right now. If i get too stressed, scared (an im extremely paranoid rn on the verge of a freakout constantly), or even happy/excited my increases heart rate will go nuts and put nearly unbearable pain which may in turn worsen my mental health and create a cycle of pain ☆ once again i keep forgetting andb as the side affects are worsening im becoming less anr less like the person who solemly started to write this post (i think the word fits accurately here but it sounds odd. Dont let this make you think im happy, im in no way happy. I just have a shit ton of energy which if i caree abt my wellbeing would b dangerous bc its easier for ke to kill myself now. Or it woipd be if it werent for the fact im in a lot of paij rn for a variety of reasons) ☆with that last bullet im p sure i was gonna say i love you guys. I didnt so i will say t here!! I love you guts you guys have helped me 'kay? BEAR WITH ME AS I ATTEMPT TO SHORTEN WHWT I SAY FOR EVERYONES BENEFIT EVEN IF IT TAKES 5 TRIES ANE 4 POSTS Buttercup Tries a Summary 2.0 ♡im in a lot of pain right now. Im shaking for a few reasojs and oje of em is bc im in a shitton of pain ♡please be kind to me for a bit. more gentle then you woule usually have to be with me. i dont wnna ask for too much but even joking around without saying youre joking very blatantly could make everythibg a lot worse which i dont wnna happen bc it woulsbbe unfair to a persob meaning no harm ♡i dont think i said i love you guys? I love you guys ♡im probablt missing a shit ton of impprtant thints so im just gojna sau im in a lot o f pain holy fuck if you even have a casual conversatioj im probabky gonna mention how my body is dying and not peacefully ♡Oh JUST REMEMBEREE MY PHONE BATTERY. ITS AT 6%. IT WAS AT 11/12 WHEN I STARTED WRITING THIS POST. IT TAKES ME THAT LONG TO SAY SIMPLE THINGS IN MY CURRWNT STATE (im gonna grt an estimate of how long this post took and put it in the tags and if anyones interested or willijg to humour me and pretend to care i can find tags of a big suicide attempt i did when i was 13/early14 just so you can. Get a grasp of how bad my rambling can REALLY be) ♡puttin this with a new heart cuz the last one is too damned long now fuck you buttercuo and ur dumb ass anyways my phone is at 5% now ans still lowering. I m physically unavle to get toje computer wnd while i can use my phone while chargij t it doesnt work as well and everyhiny i do will taoe even longer. It fucks w the keypad so my spellijy will probabky be worse agian ajd tumblt wouod die every other minute so

#i think o has sometjint else but whatevs #im probabltbgonna post on tpoc a bit #so i dont seem like a huge dickbag whos only doing this ajd drawing itbout for atrwntion #whicu is not wha im doing and i onow i cant control whatsbhappening to me ans whatbom doij #bc of it #bit i still feel guilty abt it esp knowing tjis i s whwtbwoildbhappen ig i lived #typing getting worse shaking increaeing also im rusihing as mu battety is at 4% @#ans will probably be lower by the timr i finally pos this #suicide #long post #randok

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