#my family isnt even that bad!! why do i feel like this!! i have a loving household but it has turned me into something that cant ever relax

[loopscereal]

Pero no lo hicisteee final 100 hrs have been entered

fred by himself cause i did his shoes with everythign and the little meat texture. Why would i do that if its not mesnt to be visible? May god know cause i dont. uhh the background. yeah ok. uh Fred doesn't have to reflect Freddy in clothes or hairstyle anymore! Boys uniform! Higher, tighter pony tail! also their little jacket. Make up around their eyes, and they have gained acess to COLOR. Hes no longer restricted to shades of purple, too bad hes emo and will only branch out to red TOT. anyway yay for them. uhh uhhh also he has a new sparkle. he has a little yellowy orange sparkle in his chest, right on their tie. they didnt have that before :) new sparkle

im glad were all miserable about how fred is on the floor but also agree that freddy looks best when hes at his worse! keep up that look, youre a natural !! bbbbuhhhh

SUELTENME SUELTENME SUELTENME SUELTENME SUELTANME ok normal, hi pia :3 glad you noticed. im so diseased about when they swap colors in canon.... wughgh misery...

not so fast! theyre both so fucking bad at this game! the game being existing. Fred feeds the body and like. the most basic of maintenance but they too mistreat it in their own special way <3. ANyways how does this scene change? uh. god. i feel like it adds a lot ofc content but i dont. know. thinking about camp makes my head scream... as i imagine it mutates and changed even after having drawn these. living organism....

in my head their body "prioritizes" freddy a lot, like. IF fred is in control while freddy is sleeping, and freddy wakes up, it sorta auto-kicks fred out if they arent prepared and get caught off guard, BUT freddy isnt exctly. too present. hes not the most anchored person to his own self so if fred, can simply push him out pretty easy so long as they arent abnormally weakened, and if they were to fight for it fred will typically win. As for body auto responses, i think it does eventually kick the current pilot out, or mess things up and force them both in or both out, ("how does that work" sh sh sh dont even worry about it... <3 please.) buuuut i think it takes a long time for the body to get to that point, to the point where it does those auto responseds. Freddys gotten it pretty used to well, itself. it doesn't send out the signals that it should, or at best, not as strongly.

Okay why is Freddy all glitchy when out side and not sparkly? beeecause well. cromatic aberation occurs when a lense fails to align and focus wavelengths of color all on the same point. What the hell does that have to do with freddy? (what the hell happens int hat goddamn highschool?) uh! hes totally unfocused. in his entire self. and in his worldview, his view of strangers, of his friends, family. exc. Hes got like at least three different "lenses" he can view himself in, and at least two "good or bad" lenses he can see any given person through. IF anything is certain about him, its his instability. In idenity, in stances, in views, in beleifs, in emotions, in everything. An so, he gets the aberation efffect, cause he is !!! pulling!! apart! no focus, no stability , no alignment, no trust, no brother, no one to rely on, no money, no goals, no self esteem, no style, no shoes, no affirmation, no bitchessssssss also i have freddy at like 18 opacity (and the cromatic aberation layers are also at 1* so lets charitibly say hes at 50 total) and Fred is at like 80/85/90 on any given drawing of these, because freddy literally has less soul. uh. magic stystem or whatever freddy was emoty enough in the cup that holds his soul that he could fit a shadow, who turned into a whole ass person instead of some litttle creature...... fucked up. empty ass. anywho. enough of that miserable prick. freds got glow and sparkles cause hes got a lot of soul, hes got a lot in him, and would shine under any circumstance. stand out in some way bc hes just. like that. he is absolutly bursting at the seams with STUFF that is just not being let out. Hes curious. they wanna learn andexplre and live so fucking badly, the want to live and exist on their own terms and its so much passion and drive and will to live all bottled in this little being unable to be expresseddddd. one of these is more positive than the otherrrrr im sure theres sone negative side i missed on fred and a positive side to freddy that i missed but uh. its. 12am as i am writing and scheduling this so.....

if i had a dollar for every time i thought abt fnafhs id have 1 dollar bc i have not fucking stopped.

#fnafhs #fhs #fhsz3r0 #fred fnafhs #fred fhs #fnafhs fred #fhs fred #fnafhs freddy #freddy fnafhs #fhs freddy #freddy fhs #fred #freddy #loops post #this morning paper is in english hashtag bilingual #i wonder if i talk/“sound”/come across different across the two languages #i probably do #Youtube

[mugentakeda]

category 5 jetko moment

#iroh isnt homophobic btw. hes just stupid #he has really bad gaydar but only with his nephew and close friends #Hes like why does my nephew always get frustrated when i set him up with girls... #why does piandao call jeongjeong babygirl.... #i feel like even in an au where jet doesnt realize theyre firebenders hed still have beef with iroh. For comedic purposes #hes like i dont believe in getting the parents approval thats stupid and idgaf. But then zuko is family oriented #so its less of “get mushis approval despite us lowkey beefing” #and more of “do not let zuko find out we have beef or he will be upset probably #and iroh shares this sentiment and thats how they end up getting along. Kind of. #IDK #jetko #jet #zuko #iroh #avatar the last airbender #atla #alicias art

[bingobongobonko]

like yeahh. yeah

#its really strange feeling #i know me and my friend talked abt this before. just how bad its intertwined in the way that latino communities exist #staunchly antiblack. its again. us vs them #and i know for me idk #to preface im lightskin. im still at odds with how to define myself #but sometimes when my family calls me shit like negrito #theres a mixed feeling of joy of being recognized but also. why is my aunt calling me that #yk what i mean #mixed feeling #being seen as closer to how my mom looks but being racialized in that kind of way #its gross #even if its supposed to be a cute thing. it just digs in what i already kind of understood #vague shrug. iunno #ill never know. this isnt something that just goes away but i do have the privilege of actually discussing it

[caffeinatedopossum]

It's kind of jarring to be reminded that everyone around me has always had more than me (aside from a select few). Like I just forget until it comes down to something mundane like buying shoes and I don't know my shoe size because for most of my life I've had one pair of shoes that I wear until they break. And it was usually something someone either got me as a gift (horrified that my shoes were wearing out. As if thats not what shoes do when you wear them) or they were passed down and I grew into them.

Like that's just normal for me. It doesn't bother me either, this isn't a pity party. It's just surreal that it bothers other people sometimes

#i don't really feel like ive been that poor either #most of the things i needed and didnt get were things me/my family could have afforded but refused to #i figured 'if I'd rather save up my money to get some new coloring books than to buy some new shoes i probably dont need them that bad' #maybe those are decisions they havent had to make #i cant be jealous because i cant imagine what thats like #i simply cant imagine it #oof now im remembering the only time i actually had to ask for new shoes and i didnt #i was growing out of my shoes and getting blisters from it but i kept putting off getting new shoes #because idk i guess it just didnt bother me that much until it started to hurt really bad #and i didnt want to ask my mom for anything either because yeah #she was the type of parent you dont ask for things from #eventually someone else noticed and said something along the lines of 'if you dont get him new shoes then i will' to my mom #and then she got mad that i didnt tell her? #it was all so confusing to me then but i understand why now. she just wanted to hide the neglect. she didnt really care about anything else #its why everything was fine and she never thought i needed anything until someone else said something about it #even with my eating disorder... she knew what i was doing but she didnt interfere until someone else told her i looked sick #but that wasnt until years after the problem started. funny how that works isnt it

[urostakako]

its so odd thinking back to my life a few years ago compared to now

#like. my life really sucked. its so weird to think about that. every second before i thought 'its not so bad' even when it was bad #and now i see shit it really was that bad. i really did have a reason to want to kill myself all the time #maybe i dont have to blame myself for the person i was before while i had was dealing with all that stuff. who could act normally in that #kind of situation. of course i did bad shit and feel bad about it but i was a kid. and now im treating her the way that i was always treate #back then. i was in survival mode the entire time and just never realized it #and its so strange to think about how my life sucked and i was scared and alone all the time from the perspective of myself now #im not without support anymore. im not walking on eggshells anymore. im not afraid of violence all the time anymore #i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore #before i got good at anything my hobby was thinking of all the ways i could die and who would care. i spent all my time doing this #my daydreams were only about how people would react if i died. i dont do this that often anymore. close to never. and its so odd to remembe #since i was 6 i used to think this way. and up until a year or two ago i hated every version of myself and blamed them for me #but how was that fair. my life doesnt suck anymore. people i was without came back to me and love me #i see my cousins all the time. when i text them they text back. they ask me if im okay. they know when im not eating even when theyre not #around. i dont walk on eggshells around my mom as much as i used to. her attention isnt as divided as it used to be. #my brother is more of a brother than a stranger or an enemy. the image of him now and our relationship compared to what it used to be is #crazy. i had so much reason to be sad back then. i dont know why im still sad now when i got out of that life. #even now the reasons i have to be sad have dissolved. i used to feel like i was going insane without anyone to say the things i want to to #but i can say them to my cousin now. i have places i belong. its so strange to think about. idk #aricouldyounot

[mrlesbian]

so much guilt and shame and guilt and shame and guilt and guilt and guilt

#my family isnt even that bad!! why do i feel like this!! i have a loving household but it has turned me into something that cant ever relax #i am a live wire and i am a ghost. there is no in between. all i have are extremes. all or nothing. painfully here or distantly gone #i hate this. i hate that im like this. i want it all to be better. i need to get out of this house #sorry this makes me sound like im having a true breakdown and idk maybe i am. but its okay. its okay and im fine really #i dont want to worry anyone. i just wanted to yell into the void a bit #mumbles #negative #vent #delete later

[bulletsfrank]

i just burst into tears reading a totally normal post of one of my moots having a good time with their friends and literally Just Living Life because i want to have that so badly. i am so fucking unfulfilled, alone, miserable... and it feels even worse because im doing it to myself

#i hate how whiny this is . my god. i know its not that serious and the post isnt the issue at all... its me. i get this ache in my chest #when i see people thriving socially #like im locked in a cage and all ive been able to do is watch everyone live their lives #having friends and family and spending happy time with them #i just watch and wish i could ever have that. my only friend group all secretly talked bad about me for years #and ghosting them hurts so badly not bc i want to be close to them but because no i have No One #which is somehow worse than being the butt end of every joke and being shamed all the time.. well it feels like it #and itd be as easy as making friends but i cant even fucking reply to my mutuals tweets or posts without panicking #whenevr i stick my arm out it gets bitten #so im living a life of nothing. completely void and lonely and horrible. because i can't. i cant. i cant #i love avoidant personality disorder! #i just wish i could ask everyone why they hate me and have an actual answer

[snobgoblin]

.

#ignore this im in a bad mooddddddd #ughhh #anyway got to thinkin (mistake) and im just fuckin nobodys first priority #within my friend group im always the last choice. optional friend. in my family everything #i wanna do is second to whatever my sister has going on. i couldnt do shit going on cuz it was always either #'no u gotta watch your sister or no u gotta take your sister somewhere. and its just kinda like damn nobody gives a shit about me huh #and i guess thag isnt entirely true ive got internet friends that are very loving and supportive. but i cant help but feel entirely unloved #and alone. and sometimes im like its ok Ace loves you. but does he. if he were even real he would fuckin hate me what redeeming qualities #do i even have. what im annoying. i dont do shit. ok. i just wanna be somebody worth loving you know #*growing up not going on idk why i said that #thats another thing im just so fuckin stupid for what

[snekdood]

the sooner ppl recognize “persecution delusions” aren’t just some “narcissist” thing and are also a schizophrenic thing, the better off we’ll all be

#infact theres a couple delusions that schizophrenic ppl have that 'narcissists' have but the reasons and they way they go about it is #usually different. its not that i think im special and im the only person i focus on and bc im so special ppl want to attack me or whatever #im literally just terrified every day someones going to hurt me (probably bc of trauma and other factors growing up) #theres ppl in my past who totally were the types to stalk ppl on social media and try to ruin their rep #idk if they're still doing it or found a new target or what but sometimes yeah i might over assume about what those ppl are up to #because im tired and theyre abusive and it stresses me out to feel like im constantly being watched #and since i have paranoia and schizophrenic tendencies my minds constantly going 'well what if they're still watching you? what if they're #still trying to fuck with you?' #im not doing this bc i think im special im doing this bc im scared of my abuser and have had abusive stalker ppl before in my past #so much of my delusions about being stalked and watched growing up has come from a specific individual threatening to do that w my family #and not even threaten he has actually done it before and we got a restraining order #but after that he would still continue to threaten doing that #so tyhat trauma mixed w paranoia and schizphrenic tendencies was uh... not a great mix to say the least #thats literally the only reason im constantly combative on here. bc i feel like im still being watched. #and like. ill never know when they stop watching me either #which isnt great bc i cant just be like 'finally i can relax and not feel like theres someone inspecting my asshole every 5 seconds' #which to be fair is 100% intentional on their end. they know what theyre doing to me. theyve convinced ppl its moral somehow #ig constantly trying to trigger me enough to go offline is The Move but yall still dont even wanna consider for second if they're lying #hell. you probably come up with excuses for why any of their bad behavior is good actually and anything i do thats good is bad or whatever #theyre 100% pure and good witrh good intentions no nuance no grey areas and im 100% horrible and bad with bad intentions always and also #'my vibes ar eoff' so thats how you know im prolly the abuser here

[be-good-to-bugs]

i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa

#the bin #i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious #so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh. #i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad #im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20 #more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long #and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful #i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed #and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what #else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option #i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed! #it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them #all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister #also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be. #i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul #fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh. #how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon #and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some #i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to #all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone #besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider #friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period #i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho. #i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past #8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me. #its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone #it will get better. it has to.

[savethepinecones]

sooo glad im moving next month

#sometimes i really hate living with my mom #idk what it is but sometimes when we get into arguments it turns into a shouting match #and like i never get like that with anyone else #like i never even yelled at that one roommate i had who was a total nightmare #who was like objectively far worse to be living with #longtime mutuals know the deep piney lore of the fake dementia roommate im not gonna get into it rn cuz thats not the point but like #it was Bad #anyway i got into a screaming match and i think i fucked up my throat and im pissed at myself for yelling #and during this argument i was told that i 'do less than nothing' and have 'given up on life' #and also that im relying on 'handouts' and 'mooching off others' because i 'dont want to work' #and also that even if im bad enough off that i should be taking a break i should still do more #i think the exact phrasing was 'im not saying you should do more im saying you could do more' #as if pushing myself to do more than i should isnt a big part of why ive had to stop working in the first place #like surprise surprise that shit catches up to you #anyway that really sucked and i was a sobbing mess but i had a good chat with my sibling in law #who is also gonna be my roommate once i move #and im feeling much better #also im going to visit them and my sister this weekend cuz my grandma is doing a family christmas party #and i live like four hours away so im gonna stay at my sisters place while im out there instead of getting a hotel #and i might go out a day or two early depending on how my morning goes parentwise #also gonna bring some boxes out there so i dont have to move all at once so im gonna have to lift stuff ough

[xxlelaxx]

I hate having complex feelings about situations.

#ignore me #so the whole baby situation triggered lots of old stuff to come up again especially concerning my aunt #and i just cant handle this whole thing right now #on one hand i hate her so much for fucking me up so badly but at the same time she is now in therapy cause of issues #there is a part of me that even though she hurt me so bad i still dont want to hurt her especially now that she is vulnerable #i feel so pathetic cause i still cant tell her to leave me alone and am terrified of her #I'm also terrified of my family choosing her over me and me ending up all alone again #i have this incredibly selfish wish for then to never talk to her again cause its not fair that i didnt attend my dads birthday party cause #she was there and that i am automatically out of stuff the moment she is involved cause i did nothing wrong unlike her #why do i get punished but she just gets to live on her perfect life without even apologizing to me? #but at the same time i could never make them choose cause i know exactly who my dad would pick and it isnt me #and somehow that hurts even more and i also dont want to put my family in a position where my behavior reflects badly on them #i did that enough and all it ended up doing is isolating them more #and whether i like it or not my aunt is my parents primary social contact #it still hurts cause i feel like I'll never be good enough and honestly i dont know if i can keep my baby safe from this woman #cause I'm so damn pathetic and still cant stand up to her and say that i dont want her to touch me or be near me #how will i do that for my daughter then?? #my husband is ready to throw hands so at least he won't leave me #i just wish i could have my good cousins without the bad cousin and my aunt #like genuinely my one cousin made a choice and I'm done with veing treated like shit cause I'm not pretty or rich or went to university #i just wish we would not get constantly disrespected cause they look down on my mother and her family #if i could trade my dads family for one more like my moms i would in a heartbeat #i love my cousin but shes not worth all the other shit people in this family #they all have issues and make it everyone elses problems #and they are so vain in ways that drive me crazy #god i hate my aunt so much but i still can't be mean to her without feeling like i am the horrible person #not even to her face... i just said that it was kinda ironic that she is now in therapy considering the shit she put my mom through for me #for me being in therapy and how they looked down on us and everything and now suddenly they all are in therapy and she apparently had some #form of anxiety which she would judge me for so hard and i just said it once but my sister told me that she could see that i didnt mean that #and that makes me even more angry cause even now i still cant bear to be mean to her and feel bad for her having to go through this

[uriboos]

im dreading my birthday because it’s just become another reminder that im really lonely lol 

#im grateful for my family and ofc i wanna spend time with them but like. idk. #i feel so terrible for complaining or feeling bad because some ppl dont even celebrate with their families #but i feel so stupid not having friends to have fun with #ppl my age have friends who make the effort to hang out w them and drop off gifts etc and like i dont have that #and the fact that my mom is having a party w a bunch of HER friends despite me saying i dont want to do that bc they kept pressuring her to #is so . like i dont want this. #im gonna be surrounded by aunties (who are nice but theyre not MY friends and now i dont have the option to hide in my room for most of the #time because it's My party) but theyre not MY friends. this isnt for me this is for my mom which sucks #she did say she wants me to see my friends too which i appreciated but again. refer tothe above #why is it so hard for me to make friends. why am i so stupid #negative #entry

[formulafics]

★ MINI…ER LANDO: PT. 3 | LN4

Scenario: in which lando and his wife reveal her pregnancy to the world. in this part, baby norris is officially born!

Pairing: lando norris x fem!reader

A/N: this is technically the last part, but don’t fret, dad!lando will appear in future content! i love this little series so much and i hope you guys have enjoyed it too

PART ONE | PART TWO

requests are open for smau’s | check pinned for more info!

lando.jpg

liked by ynnorris, danielricciardo, charles_leclerc, alex_albon, and 162,542 others

lando.jpg home feels a lot homier with baby norris around.

view all 3,423 comments

ynnorris who’s cutting onions and why are tears streaming down my face. i love my little family so much ☹️❤️

⤷ landonorris i love you mama

⤷ formulaleclerc LANDO CALLING YN MAMA 💔 i’m weeping

rizzciardo DID DANIEL AND CHARLES MEET HER? I HAVE TO KNOW

⤷ ynnorris not yet, but soon :)

norrisnation the second picture oh my god 😭 this is so precious

papayabull IM GONNA CRY

ynnorris

liked by landonorris, danielricciardo, charles_leclerc, pierregasly, and 267,892 others

ynnorris apologies for being gone for so long, but i have returned and i can’t believe it’s been 6 months already 😭 as you can see, baby norris - 1, lando - 0

view all 2,326 comments

landonorris i cant wait to see you this weekend. i miss you and baby

⤷ ynnorris i miss you ☹️❤️ i’m sure baby misses you too

danielricciardo I MEET HER THIS WEEKEND

norrisnation i missed yns post so bad and didn’t even realize it

rizzciardo yn stays giving us lando content and i will forever love her for it

⤷ piastrisgirl literally. she’s been feeding us for years

ynnorris

liked by danielricciardo, landonorris, pierregasly, alex_albon, carmenmundt, charles_leclerc, and 198,345 others

ynnorris it happened - baby norris faced danny ric. join us next week for baby norris vs charles leclerc!

view all 1,456 comments

leclerclover i need charles and baby norris IMMEDIATELY

rizzciardo NOOO THE LAST SLIDE HURTS I LOVE DANIEL

danielricciardo baby norris is pretty swaggy if you ask me. all thanks to her mom, her dads a loser

⤷ landonorris okay daniel. you’re never seeing my child again

⤷ danielricciardo i meant to say thanks to her parents, my bad. her dad is definitely super cool and swag

norrisnation the second picture :( lando is so cute

⤷ ynnorris he is pretty cute isnt he?

⤷ formulasainzzzz YN RESPONDING OH MY GOD

supermaxmaxmax if this isn’t my future what’s the point?

formulaleclerc PLEASE GIVE US THE CHARLES AND BABY NORRIS CONTENT

⤷ ynnorris will do 🫡

#✩ . ln⁴ files 🏎️ #f1 x reader #f1 imagine #f1 drabble #f1 fanfic #f1 smau #f1 x you #formula one #formula one fanfiction #f1 fic #f1 x female reader #formula one social media au #formula one smau #formula one x you #formula one fluff #formula one x reader #formula one fic #formula 1 #f1 x y/n #f1 fandom #mercedes amg f1 #f1 #lando norris smau #lando norris x you #lando norris x y/n #lando norris x reader #lando norris #ln4 #mclaren formula 1 #mclaren f1

[heaven4lostgirls]

Best Friend (R.C)

pairing: rafe cameron x reader, possibly jj maybank x reader

warning: hurt/comfort i believe? i'm not sure. rafe's an ass but also psycho but what else is new. JJ is a cutie and we love him. mentions of unrequited feelings and jealousy.

summary: being rafe's best friend used to be one of the best things in life, until it wasnt. now its time for you to make your own choices and rafe isnt too happy about that.

word count: 2.3k

a/n: as i said, my motivation is back so say hello to a new story!, not sure if i'll continue this but if you want another part, i'll be open to trying to write another piece.

Rafe and you had been friends since before you could even know what the word meant. Y/N and Rafe, Rafe, and Y/N, never one without the other, a package deal since the day you could remember. It was beautiful, truly. Having someone you could trust unconditionally; sure, you had your family and other close friends but none of them ever knew you as well as Rafe did. His ability to see not just you, but your soul was something you couldn’t imagine finding with someone else.

Which is why for the last 5 years, you’ve spent quietly trying to kill the crush you’d developed on your best friend. Every piece of attention he had ever given you, every small touch and sweet gesture just nurtured your heart faster than any of his sexual conquests and questionable habits could ever break it. You followed his figure through the party he had thrown at house, the smell of drugs, alcohol and sweaty bodies all mushed together to create the distinct atmosphere of a typical Rafe Cameron rager.

He was known for these parties; you both were actually. You and Rafe were unanimously dubbed the prince and princess of the OBX. You were once fond of that title but as time passed and you watched from the sidelines as a new girl sat of Rafe’s lap as you were left behind to do your own thing, it became a harder pill to swallow. Currently, he had his arm wrapped around a beautiful brunette who looked nothing like you, which seemed to be a recurring theme.

You watched as he sat down on one of the couches on the balcony near his friends and pulled the girl into his lap, your eyes stung but you knew better than to let your emotions get the better of you. Now was not the time to lose your cool, someone could see, and the news would spread fast to Rafe and with his inebriated state from who knows what, you weren’t willing to take the chances he was going to act in a sane way.

So, you blinked harshly, refilled your cup with your drink of choice and went back to the party, aiming to ignore Rafe and his company for the most part until  he eventually got bored and came looking for you. Fortunately for you, you spot Kiara and the rest of the Pogue’s outside near the fire pit. It’s usually very rare to see any of them  at one of these parties, more so because of Sarah’s strained relationship with her brother.

It’s comforting to meet their warm and happy gazes, you haven’t been able to spend much time with them because Rafe had monopolised most of it, he also didn’t particularly enjoy you choosing to spend your time with someone else other than him. Fortunately for you, parties like these lets you branch out and speak to new people without having to worry about Rafe breathing down your neck.

“Hey Y/N!” John B calls out and the rest of the group turns with excited and warm looks on their faces, the calm that washes over your body is immediate and you walk over to them to say hi. “Hey” you mutter shy as the girls get up to hug you as you sit in-between JJ and Sarah. “Haven’t seen you much around the island recently, you doing, okay?” Kiara asks curiously and you chew on your lip as you wonder what to tell her.

“No yeah I’m good, it’s just…Rafe you know?” you say, somewhat embarrassed that you don’t have a better excuse for the group. As you look down to your lap, you miss the look of sympathy that Kiara and Sarah share, they know just how bad it is to be caught  up with Rafe. “Hey, are you busy tomorrow?” Sarah pipes in and you look at her in surprise, this is the first time someone’s ever invited you to hang out.

“No?” you say confused and Sarah looks at the group before breaking out in a big smile before mentioning, “We’re all going to the beach tomorrow, it’s supposed to be a really good surf day” she says as she looks at you expectantly. “We’d love if you could join us” Kiara adds and the smile that lights up is almost blinding. “That sounds great! I’m not too good at surfing but I’d still like to come if you’ll have me” you say a little embarrassed and the rest of the group just voices their agreement before Pope breaks the chatter.

“John B’s teaching Sarah tomorrow how to get the bigger waves and I’ll be helping Kie fish, but JJ’s free if you want some help” he offers and the man in question looks surprised at the suggestion. You’re shocked but you look at JJ with a small smile and shrug of your shoulders. “Yeah, no worries, I don’t know how good of a teacher I’ll be, but I can try” he says, and you nod excitedly.

The night moves on swiftly with friendly chatter between 6 of you. You  surprisingly don’t feel excluded when they start sharing all their memories together, you’re happy to sit back and listen and before you know it, the party starts dying down and people start either dozing off right where they are or leaving to get home. You try to find Rafe but one sympathetic look from Topper lets you know that he’s in his room…not alone.

With no ride home and Topper wasted, you have no way home. You’re about to start walking but you see the lights of a run-down van come to a stop across the street before the door opens and JJ’s voice carries through the night. “C’mon! John B’s our DD tonight, you can get a lift bunk with us for the night.” He offers and you gladly accept, you all make your way back to the chalet and as everyone gets to their designated sleeping areas, there’s no space for you on any of the couches.

Pope offers you his space so he can sleep on the floor, but you decline, letting him know its okay. You settle in on the cold floor and try to readjust to get a comfortable spot before you feel someone shaking your arm. You  open your eyes and blink slightly to see JJ’s ruffled hair and outstretched hand, you look at him confusedly but nonetheless comply. He pulls you up and navigates the chalet like second nature, “You can sleep in my bed, I’ll take the floor.” He whispers and you shake your head vehemently.

“No, I’m not taking your bed, you sleep there. I was fine on the floor” you argue, and he rolls his eyes as he pulls you into the room. “I could hear your shuffling through the door, just sleep in the bed y/n.” he says amused, your lips twitch into a smile as you look at him in the eyes. “No.” you say, and his eyes roll again as he huffs and moves to the bed to lie down on one side.

Before you can leave you see him pat the space next to him. “You coming or what?” he mumbles sleepily. You hesitate for a second before you realise that it’s better than sleeping on the floor. You get in on the other side of the bed and place the blanket over the bottom half of your body. As you doze off, you’re mildly aware of someone pulling you closer to their chest and soft breathing against your neck.

You wake up to your phone buzzing, as you pick it up you notice almost a dozen missed calls from Rafe and over fifty texts ranging from asking where you are to confusion that you’re not at his place or your own, to anger that you’re not answering him. Your heads still pounding from the alcohol last night so all you do is send him and your parents a text saying your safe and you’re spending the day with some friends at the beach.

JJ groans from behind you and you’re suddenly aware of his arm wrapped around your waist and his legs tangled with yours. “Why’re you up so early” he mumbles into your neck, and you can’t help but laugh softly. “Sorry, my phone woke me up” you mumble sheepishly. “Then put it off and let’s go back to sleep” he groans as he tightens his arms around you which makes your face heat.

 Just as you turn your phone off and place it on the side table, the door opens and John B’s voice floats through the room. “JJ, get up we’re leaving in 10-” he stops midway through as he catches you and JJ together, you go to tell him what happened, but he just shakes his head and smiles. “I’ll see you both up and ready in 10 minutes, Y/N, Sarah left you a spare bikini in  the bathroom if you need it.” He says cheerfully as he closes the door before you can finish saying thanks.

JJ groans and throws his arm over his eyes before he smirks and lets out a huff of laughter which sends you both into fits of laughter. After you all get ready and are on your way to the beach, you and JJ spend your time talking and catching up with one another, being around the same age you both knew of each other but had never been particularly close. You come to loathe that as you find out just how funny and caring JJ is as a person.

When you reach the beach, you see that JJ had packed a spare board for you. Your heart warms at the gesture as he carries both to the water. The waves aren’t particularly high right now so as you both paddle in, you’re comfortable enough to ride a few of the smaller ones. As they get higher, you let JJ catch a few before he comes back to help you. You spend around an hour letting JJ manoeuvre you to get a good position on the board and working on your technique. It takes a couple tries of you falling off the board and trusting JJ to catch you before you’re even comfortable with trying one of the waves.

Unbeknownst to you, Rafe had been stressing the fuck out after waking up without you this morning. He had spent the better part of an hour trying to find you, you weren’t at his, nor at your parents. He’d only gotten it out of topper that he saw you leaving in a car after the party ended so safe to assume he was losing his shit. Where the fuck had you possibly have gone? Who could you have gone with? You didn’t have any friends other than him, and he knows that none of the guys at the party would have tried to sleep with you when  they knew you inadvertently belonged to him.

Mind you, when you finally bothered to answer his dozen calls and texts, all you had sent was “I’m okay don’t worry, I’m spending the day at the beach with some friends, I’ll see you tomorrow!” like hell you would. Who did you think he was? He was not going to let you just flounce around anywhere when there were people that could hurt you. Also, these “friends” you spoke about just about made him angry enough to fuel the urge to kill someone. Who could you possibly be talking about? All the people you two spent your time with were either at home still or at his place which he knew could only mean you were at the beach with those dirty fucking pogues.

You were gonna do Rafe’s head in, running off from him and the party to hang out with them? He scoffed at the thought. They didn’t know you like he knew you. They wouldn’t treat you as well as he did. Thinking about that dick John B that had roped his stupid fucking sister into their plans made his blood boil at the thought that they could be doing the same to you. The thought only made him speed faster to the beach.

Once he got there, oh was his blood definitely boiling. Fucking JJ. With his scummy little hands all over your body, in one of the tiniest swimsuits he’d ever seen you in. God, you looked beautiful. It was hard to dwell on that fact when all he could see was you laughing and splashing around with JJ whilst he stood on the beach glaring daggers at the blonde boy’s figure.

“Y/N!” he bellowed across the beach, and he gloated in the horror that washed over your face as you turned to look at the beach with JJ’s stupid fucking arms still wrapped around your waist. You try to smile and wave at him, but his anger must show on his face as you drop your hand and look  at him in confusion. “Come here!” he yells again and watches as you turn to JJ to ask a question, the blonde idiot in question just shrugs and smiles up at you.

He watches as you take a deep breath before you turn to him and shake your head whilst yelling a “NO” across the beach. His jaw clenches at your statement as he continues glaring. “I’m not playing around Y/N. COME. HERE.” He yells again and watches as JJ tells you something softly that you laugh at before you turn to him deviously before yelling out, “Fuck off Rafe” with a big smile on your face.

He inhales sharply as his gaze hardens on the both of you. Fine. You wanna be like that? Okay. He’s not letting you get off that easy. He smirks at the thought as he stalks off to his car to drive off. He’ll wait you out if he has to, and when you do come out. You’lll regret ever using that tone with him.

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[liveontelevision]

Okay, this started as a rant about Lucifer lore and turned into an argumentative essay on why Lucifer is a bottom. My b.

18+ Smut ahead, lots of angst

•••

Here's the thing about Lucifer. He was an awesome dreamer, fell in love with Lillith, and was banished to Hell. Literally forced to see what the gift of good will can do at its worse. Unless he's made some personal contact with a sinner to get like updates about what the gift of good will did right, he had to be stuck in a depression for centuries, at least until Charlie was born. And while that would've definitely given him a new passion, he'll never feel confident in dreaming again.

With how much he dislikes sinners and what they represent, i wonder if there had to be some strain on their relationship when it came to Lillith taking control? They never really talk about if they had a fallout or if she just disappeared, but i dont think they really got divorced either.

When Lucifer looks at that family picture and winces, does he feel bad about not contacting charlie? About something he did to make lillith leave? Or maybe he feels bad about being upset at lillith for leaving in the first place? There's so much to umpack there i live for the lore.

Love Interests:

But when that comes to potential love interests in the future, Lucifer hasnt had to court anyone before like ever. Not in the circumstances that they live in a big city like Hell. So when he finally ends up catching feelings, he has no idea. People around the hotel literally need to pick up on context clues for him and have an intervention to tell him he's in love again.

Even if he hasnt seen lillith in 7 years, their relationship had to be a drastic change compared to new love. I think that his love interest would also pick it up before he does, and you would let him work at his own pace. Fuck, it is so important that he goes through this process at his own pace.

With so much strain on his past relationships with loved ones, he fully gaslights himself into thinking he doesnt deserves and isnt allowed to feel affection anymore. I hate making characters i love suffer. But i feel like in his state of mind he'd go through depressive episodes and panic attacks, maybe some night terrors. Theyed be about his past and his subconscious would essentially tell him he has feelings again, and he shouldn't act them in case he scares you away and abandons you, like heaven. Or drives you away like lillith. Or purposely blocks you out like charlie. Mans is struggling i swear. He needs some comfort.

After finally coming to terms, hes a nervous wreck about every decision he makes. He'll constantly stare in the mirror in the mornings, making sure he looks his best, would plan mental scripts before even having a conversation with you, and would become a bumbling mess just trying to make jokes out of the situation, some base level actions, like how we saw in the show. He'll manage to finally ask you out, but all he really knows how to do is profess an undying love (i feel like his confession to lillith was hella dramatic) so it was a little awkward, but still cute. And of course you said yes.

So let's say its been 5+ years since he moved into the hotel, met you and finally managed to confess his feelings. When it comes to the actual relationship? You give him reassurance and support him through his mental episodes, and laugh at his jokes and praise him for everything he does. He has such intense imposture syndrome though, that even other demons have to reassure that theres no way you dont love him with all your being. Because it is literally obvious to everyone but him.

He's pretty good at doing the romantic fluff stuff in public, he loves to make a big show out of treating you like royalty and even trying to embarrass you when you become close enough. He's always more charasmatic in public, it seems easier than doing that alone.

Not in a negative way, but Lucifer is so never to be alone with you. You take the lead a bit more in those scenarios, suggesting ideas like movies or just coming up with small talk yourself. He needs someone who'll be patient with him. Being alive for millions of years AND being left or shamed by all your loved ones during that time is literally the definition of Truama.

Of course he's been bottling all that shit up, he has no one to confide with. There's no one who's been alive and witnessed it all the way he has. So bless you for loving and caring for him even without understanding all hes been through.

You'll have some rough patches, where this emotional side locks him away from you and everyone else. It might be a few days before you see him. He'll lock himself in his office, pumping out ducks by the dozen just to keep himself from sleeping, because he's scared he'll have night terrors if he feels asleep. He's in a constant loop;

"what if i fucked up?"

"what if i try to talk about it and then they realize how bad i fucked up?"

"what if that's enough of a reason for them to leave me?"

"what if i scare them away?"

"what if that fucks this up?"

"what if i fucked up.. Again..?"

After he leaves his office, youre excited to see him out and about, but you cant make a big deal out of it. You have to speak to him calmly, make sure he's physically okay before talking to him about his thought process. It might take awhile, but he'll eventually trust you enough to open up. And of course it'll never be bad enough for you to leave him, he's just struggling.

Physical Contact:

It takes him an even longer time to become physical with you. He hasnt been intimate for over a decade at this point, but as soon as he becomes comfortable with little affections like hand holding, cuddling, wrapping his arms around your waist, and kissing? Hoo boy, he melts after your first kiss. It couldve been even a small peck and he would still become a nervous wreck just trying to ask for more.

He'll ask for physical touch more than provide it at first. You'll give him a quick kiss and he'll look up at you super eager just like, "another?" He'll grow into tastful pda's, linking arms, quick hugs and smooches, holding hands all that.

He becomes putty in your hand when you're alone though. You'll nudge him to lean against your shoulder or even lay his head in your lap while youre lounging or watching movies. He becomes so relaxed in your presence, that you'll want to suddenly peck him just to see his suddenly flustered reaction.

You'd give him massages that he would always be hesistant over. He was always a little nervous that he wasnt giving enough to you, but you were quick to assure him that wasnt the case. You'd straddle his hips while giving him a slowww massage. It starts with light touches, tracing your fingers over his shoulder blades and spine. You'd trace your fingers over his chest when you would cuddle too, depending on the position. Or stroke his back sweetly. It was enough of a distraction to keep his mind occupied, away from any spiraling thoughts he might be having.

He purrs. Convince me that he doesnt purr. (You cant)

Being secluded for so long probably means that he doesnt fly as much as he used to. It was probably a passion of his, and he was especially delighted to share it with lillith and charlie.

So during those 7 years he barely flew, he also didnt take care of his wings. I feel like theyre something to be summoned, so they arent constantly tucked into his back. You'd basically scold him sometimes to just let you clean his wings.

You'd do it in like a spring-type bathhouse that Lucifer would have in his castle somehow. It was one of the first intimate moments he's experienced in years, so he was generally going insane. Feeling your hands and a little comb rake through the feathers on his giant wings? You'd have to tap his shoulder sometimes to keep him from falling asleep to the relaxation alone. After the first time, the water you used was pretty dirty and he had a lot of loose feathets that were combed out. Damn, he needed this.

Intimacy:

After awhile, you sit down and would have a discussion about being intimate in bed. Lucifer would be absolutely nervous about overstepping by asking this, (even though you've been together for about a year at this point). He would use his mental scripts and basically practice what he wanted to say.

It would mainly be him saying he wants to do this because he loves you and youve done so much for him that he wants to give back to you in this way. It would consist of him saying its okay if you dont want to, or if you ever want to stop to just say so. But of course you want to, how could you not?

It would start slow, he actually tries taking the lead in this specific situation. He would kiss you first, his lips trembling at the thought that this is actually happening. Feeling his nerves, you'd cup his face and stroke his cheeks with your thumbs lightly. That will help him ease up enough to start letting the passion take over more.

He'd become more confident in slipping his tongue into your mouth and placing his hands on your hips to pull you closer to him. Lucifer would get lost in the moment, pulling you to straddle his lap as he kissed and licked and bit his way across both your shoulders and down to the softeness of your breast. After leaning back to look at the damage his eyes would become increasingly wide, looking up at you with a flustered expression. Seeing you losing it as much as he was, gave him enough courage to keep up at it.

He would almost hesistantly take a hold of your breasts and would massage them softly, running his thumbs across your nipples and becoming absolutely delighted at the reaction you gave. The adrenaline from the pleasure would make you start grinding against his lap, which would make lucifer's hands on your hips pull away for a moment and make his breath stutter. Lucifer would look you up and down as if he didnt know what to do next, studying your body with darting eyes. You'd press a small kiss on his forehead before guiding his hands back onto your hips with yours, keeping your eyes on him the entire time.

"Are you okay, Luci?" He would gulp before nodding his head and turning ridiculously red across his face, maybe from the idea of what was to come, maybe just from your voice alone. You'd keep your hands ontop of his at your hips as you'd keep moving, letting out breathy moans. He would be holding his breath without realizing, an absolute nervous wreck just from the view.

He would already be hard just from the previous make out session, so this would cause him to lean his back against the bed, his strength giving out. You'd keep up at it, feeling his hips jolt up to meet yours at times.

He was a sweaty, twitching mess in front of you and you hated to admit how much that excited you.

His scripted plan was immediately forgotten, but he was quick to remember that he wanted to please you.

He'd snap out of his state of intense pleasure, to carefully switch positions, him looking over you with your back against the bed.

You both discuss it, of course, attempting to set boundaries before hand. Even just the tender discussion would get him riled up. So he'd lean foward and kiss you again, showing off his forked tongue before peppering kisses down your entire body, until he was close enough to let his hot breath heat up your folds.

You'd feel his nervous breath on you before delving in. He would be hesistant of course, but would be quick to get used to your entrance after running his tongue across your entirety multiple times. Lucifer loves providing pleasure this way, so his brain immediately knew what to do once the nerves past. He was quick to take a tight hold onto your thighs to keep you in place as he entered you with his demonic lengthy tongue. He would look up at you as he sort of aimlessly dug around at first, waiting for a reaction. Once he'd see you dip your head back with a muffled moan, he would close his eyes to focus all his attention to that one spot. He'd reach his thumb around to circle and massage your clit that he would find far too quickly. You'd arch your back and try to get more friction against his tongue, but it's easy to forget that he is quite literally the strongest being in Hell. You weren't going anywhere.

He'd love feeling your hands in his hair and would absolutely lose it feeling you pull hard when he'd hit just the right spot. As soon as he set a steady thythm and was hearing your voice become more unhinged, he'd speed up to an extent that you didn't realize was possible after going for so long. You discussed cumming before and he made it very clear that he was okay with you finishing on his face. Fuck, he wanted it. You still warned him, moaning out his name to get his attention, "I-I'm almost there- K-Keep doing that.. like that..! Luci-" you'd almost direct him though the whole process, but were quick to become a moaning mess unable to communicate with words. You'd reach your limit and he would let you buck up into his face this time, loosening his grip on your thighs. He'd pull away after licking you clean, sending overstimulated pleasure across your entire body, with a line of your juices following his tongue as he lifted his head. He would pant with his tongue still sticking out of his mouth, and even through hazy eyes you loved seeing his demonic tongue and thinking about how it just drove you to climax.

Things would switch up again, and you'd sit him against the back of the bedframe. you'd have another quick discussion before seating yourself slowly on his length, which had been throbbing for any contact since the night started. The first few times, he'd do his best not to cum immediately. He hadn't been touched like this in a while, after all. You'd only begin to move once you made sure he was okay since his struggle was written all over his face.

The moment you began to keep a steady space, he would jut his hips upwards, becoming needy to feel this sensation he hadn't felt in over a decade. The first time didn't last long. It was sweet, and he would constantly moan out your name and babble on about how much he loves you. The entire time, you'd be praising him through every move until he was going too fast for you to get a sentence out.

He'd cum inside of you, another previously discussed topic. You essentially had to beg to convince him it was okay. You'd collapse onto his chest, a position he didnt see often. While the two of you always cuddled, you were so focused on making sure he was comfortable, Lucifer realized you didnt often get the chance to just relax on top of him. So after realizing that? Aftercare was amazing.

He'd let you sit with him inside you for a while, before pulling you off and immediately cleaning you up. Some nights, when he felt especially dominant, he would lap up his own cum from your incredibly sensitive cunt. He would swallow some of it, but was mainly pushing anything that dripped out back into your entrance.

After cleaning you up, he would wiggle his way back underneath you and pull you onto his chest, enjoying taking care of you the way you took care of him.

After the first night, lucifer would be much more confident. He'd have that healthy glow, but would be more assertive during meetings, more communicative and wouldnt shut others out as often. It really helped him realize how much you gave to him, and he was determined to give all that and more back to you.

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