#my brain do weird shit sometimes

[youchangedmedestiel]

Just got an idea for a jenmish photo op as I woke up. I'll probably never be able to do one so if someone wants to steal the idea, you totally can.

I'd really like to see it so yeah you'll have to send me the pic after doing it at least. Maybe it has already been done, in this case I also want to see it please.

Anyway, it would be about the fact that in several every scenes of the show, I we want to grab Cas and Dean's head and make them kiss.

So basically I'll ask them if they'll be okay with me grabbing their heads, but of course they won't kiss. The idea is that I'll bring their heads together and they'll end up pressed cheek to cheek, looking at the camera. I'll be smiling and they'll could do the face they want because I'd like to be surprise and I trust them with that.

#morning thoughts #my brain do weird shit sometimes #I think they'll find that funny #i hope at least #maybe they wouldn't want to do that #and if it's the case I'll be totally okay to take a pic as they hug me you know #who wouldn't be? #but if someone already did that and has a pic #please send it to me I want to see #this is about them #destiel #deancas #castiel #dean winchester #but also them #cockles #jenmish #misha collins #jensen ackles #can't wait for their panel to come #unfortunately I'll be asleep when it'll happen #but I can't wait to wake up and see wtf they did this time #my random thoughts about destiel #cockles makes me smile goofily

[why-the-heck-not]

insomnia? do u mean my true crime podcast time

#u know bc now I can convince my brain I slept a little bc I had my eyes closed for like 2h while listening to it #it’s like u can almost gaslight it into thinking that that podcast was actually dreaming bc we for sure were asleep yes #also this sucks bc it’s ahead of its schedule; I can’t sleep during summers so like what is this then #the climate change is affecting my insomnia cycle damnit #real unfortunate tho if it keeps going for longer (just been like 2ish weeks now) bc I got a thesis plus other shit to do #(also to anyone who’s unclear on the subject; yes I have slept during these 2ish weeks I'm not dying i'm just hella tired bc it’s not good #refreshing long sleeps bc mf it takes like 5 hours to fall asleep) #(except today bc it’s 7am and I’m giving up on it & hopefully will have a nap sometime during the day idk) #(im tired and getting increasingly more stressed abt becoming more tired and then not having the energy to do things that I fully neeed to #get done and how the stress just yes helps ah nice) #(sorry for ranting in thr tags; weird state of mind here bc of aforementioned) #march 2024 #2024

[theswedishpajas]

The man truly can’t take a genuine compliment 🙄

#my art stuff #digital art #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #astarion #astarion ancunin #this is part of a series I like to call “I’m never settling on a singular detailed artstyle” #I have no consistency in drawing realistic people/characters other than my shapy cartoon style #but I truly don’t get enough opportunity to properly shade anything with art in that style-!!! it always looks weird to me-!!!!! #I think some rude lil worm in my brain is wriggling around telling me it’s a futile attempt at still doing realism #cus I’m one of those “gifted” artists that grew up promising his parents he’ll end up among the big names or whatever #constantly training to become better at art but with realism oil paintings as the goal #you know how it is 😔 #I wanna shade my lil funky designs but they never feel good enough to really put energy into or whatever so I compromise with stuff - #- like this where I try to draw characters more accurately while still stylizing them and shading them however I feel like it #which is great and all but I should really learn to give my more relaxed and less perfectionist art a chance #I deserve to enjoy the process and the result without working myself dead #it’s so much easier and rewarding to copy cartoon styles - stylizing realism makes me too anxious of doing it “wrong” #at least cartoon styles give me a goal to reach or a reference to strive towards #man I really should just cut myself some slack altogether #either way - this man is a flustered mess and he’s embarrassed about being called adorable in public or something #being teased in an affectionate way about his sweeter side and stuff #don’t ask why he’s shirtless - anatomy is just a lot more fun for me to draw sometimes #tasteful nudity and all that is extremely gorgeous to me #i need to practice anatomy more cus I just kinda did some shit and went with it this time with a BIT of consideration for muscle structure

[muttsandmustelidae]

i feel like the way ‘dogtok’/‘dogstagram’ talks about reactivity makes reactive dog owners feel a lot more ashamed than they ought to

#idk i just.. don’t really see anything to be ashamed about? and i hate the ‘your dog is reactive because you FAILED’ mindset #sometimes you do absolutely everything right and the universe still throws some shit at you that leads to reactivity #and it’s just a thing that happens sometimes #dogs are animals with teeth and claws and fur and tails #they shit outside and roll in dead things and sniff each others butts #and sometimes have big feelings about things #and that’s just part of being a little critter #it’s not a moral failing on anyone’s part that your dog is a dog instead of a cardboard cutout of a dog #not everything goes smoothly 100% of the time and sometimes you end up with an extra Thing that needs to be worked on #and yeah of course Working On It can be stressful. no one wants to see their dog having a hard time. which is exactly why we don’t need to #-be pushing the added stress of GUILT #it’s not helpful to anyone. it doesn’t prevent reactivity in the future. it just makes someone who’s already having a hard time have a- #-worse one #this is not a situation that needs blame #idk if any of this makes sense #my meds are making me a lil weird lmao #@ everyone who has a reactive dog: you’re doing a great job and if anyone tries to make you feel guilty #eat them #keep Workin On It and remember that Dogs Is Dogs #kill the goblin in your brain that tells you you’re the worst guy to have ever done it #you’re normal your dog is normal. give both of you a cookie rn

[brobotsbro]

Me: cringe culture is dead! Like what you like, write about your blorbos who cares if it's self indulgent or bad or whatever!

Me: unless it's me. I can't let anyone know I Feel

#i wish i could at least ATTEMPT to write tf fanfiction #but i am battling my own cringe feelings like doom guy vs the forces of hell just to post here sometimes #the idea of writing an actual Tale is too hard. even if i could actually Plot or Write Well which i doubt #bc my brain keeps telling me its deeply embarrassing to care #i wish i had a smidgen of the confidence of the folks writing wildly ooc robopreg. i do not run in their circle but i admire their grit #the bravery to unapologetically write Weird Shit for your own pleasure and tbh. pog.

[victoriartdrawings]

fanfic rec post tomorrow maybe???👀

me to all my fandom ships knowing perfectly i wont have the time to do even 1 for at least one pairing til next week 🤡

#percabeth #snowbaird #anidala #zutara #hiccstrid #so much more ships name to add (like REALLY) these tagged ships are just some my brain is currently obsessed with this week #my next obsession next month???? idk yet 💀 my head is weird. like often #rn im mostly frustated with myself and feel a little bit useless be.cause. it takes so much time!!! but i want to do it #but i dont #so my brain says to me DWE IT YOU LAZY USELESS PROCASTINATING ASS!!!! #like first i have to remember the fic #then scroll through my 7000 downloaded fic folder. a nightmare 💀most of the time i dont remember the title but only the period #where i was obsessed with them (also hell because my multiple obsession with a ship always leave and then come back 2 or 6 months later 🤡 #so sometimes I find myself downloading 2 or 3 times the same fic🤡) #(ALSO some its been 4/5 years since i read them so i let u imagine the headache i get trying to remember lol) #then class them by long fic one shot - theme etc...while re-reading fast some of them bc my memory is shit #and AFTER ALL THAT i write the actual commentary for each one of them and remembering what my experience reading it was like #because personal commentary that made people laugh and want to read the fic recommended make me so happy for the author!!!! #ALSO I MOSTLY JUST LOVE SHARING MY READING EXPERIENCE WITH OTHERS!!!!! SO MUCH JOY AND HAPPINESS! #but then real life is like no.not today. and indeed. not today. #fanfic rec #fanfic #reader #fandom

[zoppzoop]

GAAHAHHHHH

#venting in the tags #maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much #but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn #im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but #i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me #feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it. #plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel #like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went #back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening #and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just #crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and #usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine. #i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better #but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that #plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut #the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad #'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like #shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those #fuck you you bitch #i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep #tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less #ps. note to anyone reading the tags #im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.

[gregmarriage]

the whole thing of “oh, you use mobility aids?’” “oh, you use *insert thing that makes my life easier*?” said in the kinda tone where it’s kinda obvious they’re looking down on you for it. literally go fuck yourself <3

#shoutout to the girl who stared at me the last time i was in town #literally i was just minding my own fucking business #it wasn’t just a quick glance that basically everyone does or whatever #she full on STARED at me #like thanks for making me self conscious about living my life how i need to #idk if she really meant it in that way but like idk #i could choose to take it as she liked my outfit but my brain fully attached itself to the negative #bc literally i’m a person with a cane so idk it just seems weird to me #anyways my point is ppl who make ppl feel bad about needing mobility aids etc fucking suck ass fr fr #bc they’re all like ‘do you really need it?’ or ‘are you even trying to get better?’ #literally fuck off and die x #i normally try to be a positive person etc but sometimes things piss me off and i’m not gonna apologise #especially as it’s my own fucking blog #anyways this shit really boils my piss and i hope ppl who do it die in a fire <3 #gwen rambles #gwenposting

[weepylucifer]

“Harry is the next Innocence” is GREAT, and has so much potential, and is even plausible, but i like THIS - i say, gesturing to my bizarre crack AU where it’s Kim

#he's just in deep deep denial. and/or in hiding #more of my disco elysium impressions #his whole ''i am just a normal man; i don't believe in weird shit'' is his desperate attempt to hide what he is #sometimes his hands glow like dolores dei's lungs and instead of unpacking that in any way he said well it's gloves forever #the halo is very real (in a way harry can see it) but harry just assumes he's hallucinating it #there is so much wrong with his brain! who's to say! #eventually harry figures it out bc of course he does. but no one he tells about it believes him #he'll be like ''kim's the next innocence!'' and people will go ''aww that's sweet'' or ''just suck his cock like a normal person shitkid'' #kim: ''detective check it out'' *levitates* #harry: ''WOAH why are you doing this right now?!?'' #kim: ''because no one will ever believe you >:)'' #he does it behind people's backs where only harry can see and when they turn around he's standing there being normal #harry is suffering #posts by me

[im-not-a-sheep]

I think I might have some form of colour synesthesia?

As in, whenever I play piano I have realised that I infact colour certain segments of a piece in my brain

#Sometimes the colours are actually in theme #Like if the song is from a movie or game it kinda matches #But also there's random as colours #And sometimes other visuals? #Like a segment in howls moving castle (merry go round of life) its light blue with laces #Also bc I remember listening to hl2 portal2 and astv osts and feeling textures in my brain if this makes sense #Do I have it????? #Bc also on the aphantasia scale or whatever I imagine shit with a black wash over it #Like ita difficult ish to see #Sometimes its really clear but yuh #Also bc I practise piano like every day I've noticed that the colours are consistent #AAAAAAA #Sorry if I'm like being weird idk #Can you have synesthesia bt also the aphantasia scale thingy idk

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

its so weird to read some of my old fics (do NOT do it but i'm just being hypothetical rn) and reading it. like who even was this person?? i completely was in a haze back in 2020. i literally was posting 3 chapters a day. A DAY. what in the WORLD was that shit.

anyway i remembered some STUPID sappy shit and i didnt remember if i'd put it into a fic or not BUT I FOUND IT.

She and Hope had been dating in secret for months anyway, and any attempt to go talk to Ryan only filed her disposition of displeasure upon knowing that she couldn’t tell anyone, Molly especially, it destroyed herself mentally. They couldn’t really go anywhere near the school, always having to lie to everyone about having projects together when Molly wasn’t around them. It’d consisted with 9 PM - 2 AM intervals of being able to actually see each other. Hope would sneak through her small bedroom window with a portable record player and whatever she had gotten from the vintage record store downtown, and Amy would always fall asleep around eleven because of her internal clock. She would always wake up to find a single sticky note stuck on the edge of her desk whenever she woke up to her alarm the next morning. One of them, Amy still had tucked inside of her phone case, a heavily detailed human heart, with blue and red ink sketched onto a neon pink sticky note, there was a caption that headed the small paper reading the phrase over every now and again makes her almost melt every time. “You have my heart.”

yeah idk why the fuck but i thought of this fucking idea again today and i was like "omg did i ever put that heart note thing in a fic???" yeah you fucking did.

all that to say ME AND WHO???? imagine. thats so fucking.... RAHHHH.

#NOT TOH FANFIC #see this is why i write fanfic. to enact some gay ass shit like this. #the fucking STICKY NOTE WITH A DRAWING OF A HUMAN HEART AND SAYING “YOU HAVE MY HEART” I AM ON THE FLOOR. #*sighs* sucks i cant reuse it on lumity though. #my friend making me realize i actually have rizz but am just too much of a disaster to actually understand cues with people #its a MESS. im just all over the place. i literally ranted to THE SAME FRIEND yesterday (or the day before??) abt some girl jesus. #anyway i remember writing A LOT OF POETRY back in hs about this one girl and then the same girl i got to talk to-- #--my first actual conversation with her i blurted out that i wanted to shave my head. she was like.... oooooo god i was A MESS #still slid into her school dms during covid and was like “haha guess what i actually mf did???” anyway all that to say underlying dysphoria #they're nonbinary now too and i kinda ghosted them like a complete idiot :(. its been two years or so but i still think of them... a lot... #actually i have more lore about this person and its like istg they actually really liked me but i could not pick it up. #we had such SUCH good chemistry and vibes. n they were really pretty. ughhhhhh. #anyway yeah idk crushes are weird sometimes. the universe knows how unstoppable id be with a partner #i feel like i was the reason they were able to find themself and their identity because when we were talking i always encouraged them #and told them to do what felt right. im glad they did. i think sometimes that brings me peace. like i served a purpose. #STILL showed them toh. STILL SHOWED THEM TOH. #we were talking about amity LMAO “this green haired girl seems interesting” SHE SO WAS. #...yeah i wish i could text them but i kinda probably fucked it up. #shitposting shit #idk what this post is i just wanted to talk about this dumb sticky note thing because im rotating it in my brain and remembering how #mentally ill i was back in 2020 #talking into the void yk how it isssss

[intertexts-moving]

also omg. happy one year & some change 2 roswell system moment.

#YAYYYYYYY. year later and i still have nooo fucking clue whats going on in my brain except that its weird and distressing and i still forget #about it for weeks at a time and i dont particularly like it. except sometimes theyre cool i guess. anyway have been thinking 2 be quite #honest i should talk ab it more it would like. make things easier for me perhaps. unfortunately the idea of doing that STILL makes my skin #crawl and this is my blog where i don't have 2 talk about shit i don't want to. so. shrug. anyway this does feel like a vaguely important #thing. given that apparently it didnt just stop like i kind of expected!! #so. candles & cake for me. #txt #neg #?

[avalencias]

man the weirdest thing about 2024 so far is my nyquil induced dreams this time meant I dreamt about lexa. in the year of our lord 2024!!!!!!

#I have never dreamt about lexa before brain 😭 #like tbh! I do tend to have vivid dreams! #but they’re usually like. some weird stress job related shit #(tbt that time I was stressed about a call up and made up an even MORE fucked up way to file evidence #by having to paper file everything except the filing window was somehow a fucking stump in the middle of the woods where faries would accept #the filing or not???????) or like. idk sometimes you have intense dreams about dating your friends and things are weird for a bit. #but this?????? #anyway that’s how the 100 dominated my brain entering 2024 happy new year everyone #also I’ve been sick this past week (did I catch covid at the holiday party we were all forced to work at? probably? did it thoroughly fuck #up my holiday plans? 10000000%!!!!! I wanted to play sooo much bg3 and enjoy the family nye party!!! and yet #here I am) so I have spent most of my week sleeping it off and thoroughly fucked up my sleep schedule so that’s fun!! #more importantly humi and tamal were VERY sweet and would not leave my side while I was bedridden (exaggerated) but now that I’m better #they’re like ok whatever bye. except it’s cold! I miss the snuggles 😭 #anyway. #personal tag #I guess

[imwritesometimes]

starting smoking was the easiest and worst thing I ever did for myself. But quitting smoking was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself.

#idk man having thoughts. #I kinda feel like I don't give myself enough credit for this lmao like #I smoked for 15 years #I loved cigarettes. a lot. so much. I used to joke I should be able to joint file taxes w/cigarettes. they were my longest relationship. #there was NOTHING better than going out on the back patio in the summer #drinking a bottle of chianti. smoking half a pack of smokes. late at night. my brother used to call it my #'italian summer' routine lmao #I loved cigarettes more than some ppl love their family #and I don't do that anymore! I had to actively work to rewire my OWN brain like #finished a meal. guess what we're NOT doing now. finished putting on makeup. guess what we're NOT doing now #finished dishes. laundry. vacuuming. just got home from ANYTHING. gotta get ready for bed. and on and on and on #I did that! no nicorette. no hypnotism. no other weird shit. just me. recognizing patterns and actively working to rewrite them. #sometimes it pays to do the hard thing

[mollypaup]

I do not like that jealous can mean envious, possessive, territorial, and covetous. These are four different emotions to me.

#when i say i am jealous i do not ever mean envious or covetous #i simply do not want things that are not mine and largely do not care about them #i do not gain anything in a measuring contest #but sometimes one of my friends will make a new friend and I get so weird about it internally #in my brain I'm both frothing at the mouth and also going #'this is so embarrassing for us we need to cut this shit out. if we can't be nice we should leave'

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the #best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b #like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional #control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood #weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start #crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way #not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things. #thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi #now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me. #working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning & #prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st. #task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in #this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do #moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an #then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose #things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the #picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to #absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal #away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i #still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop #switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping #would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is #but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually #unrelated #i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static #but focus is not a thing i cna control