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batmanisagatewaydrug · 11 months

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Hi Makenzie

I'm sorry for bothering you, but as I followed your blog for over a decade now and this is the first time I need to deal with questions around sexuality, it seemed to me like the best way to get good and trustworthy input was to ask you.

There's a lot of context to this, but the TL;DR is that I (a trans masc) used to staunchly believe I'm aroace (which I'm still not sure of that I'm not) until last month this person swaggered into my life and basically upended my understanding of myself by somehow making it so we're in a relationship together. That means that for the first time in 23 years I have to think about the downstairs equipment and, worse, use it.

Now, my partner is absolutely lovely, don't get me wrong, but I am very much not into sex at all. Or like, it's fun, but it's also a chore and while I like the intimacy of it all, I just... don't like sex. It's extremely painful and since my partner has been circumcised it takes so long to get them off (over 4 hours!), even on their own- the closest we've come to me being involved at all when they do is my letting them come in my mouth by some last-minute manouvering- and even so, after two times I physically cannot bring myself to do it again, which puts them off too.

I know one of your mottos is that orgasms aren't the end-all-be-all of sex, but it seems to be the only thing to make the whole ordeal worth it at all. It's like we're stuck in a feedback loop where I only put up with sex because I want them to enjoy themself, and they need to see me enjoy myself to enjoy themselves, but with them having a really hard time getting of and me being physically unable to (even on my own: I never feel anything, even if the muscle-spasms indicate something happened).

I'm very worried about the strain this will put on the relationship, since they told me on the very first day that they do need to get their rocks off, and while I'm fine with them watching porn to get off and the occasional comment that they would prefer me have the body of one of those actresses, I'm not secure enough in this whole relationship yet to just set them free sexually. Not in the least because a part of me doesn't want to lose the way our sexuality works atm. It's dysfunctional and painful, and there is practically no benefit to it at all, but it's fun having them so close. If only the rest of the deal didn't exist.

It's basically a lose-lose situation where I was wondering if you could tell me if I should be worried about the sheer amount of pain I experience with penetration (also with tampons: the two times I tried putting one in, I ended up crying on the bathroom floor because of the pain) and if you maybe have any advice regarding the rest of the whole shitshow.

Thanks in advance and have a nice day!

hi anon,

oh my god there's a lot to unpack here

before we get into the important stuff I just want to open by saying your partner's four hour plateau period is maybe not an outright medical marvel but is definitely unusual, and both scientific and anecdotal evidence indicate there's no particular reason why that should be linked to circumcision. I have no idea what would actually be causing that, but it's probably not a lack of foreskin! just wanted to point that out, because it's interesting.

anyway, and much more importantly: you two should not be having sex with each other and maybe need to just break up entirely.

literally every single thing about how you are talking about sex indicates to me that you don't want to be having it, you don't like it, it's painful, you don't see the point, you can't bring yourself to do it... literally stop doing it. stop that right now. there's literally nothing but trauma that's going to come from repeatedly forcing yourself into something that sucks this bad for you.

okay, so, where does this leave your partner? well, in grand sex witch style I am humbling suggesting that they either put up or shut up. sex is important to them and that's fine, wahoo yay sex, but they've chosen a partner who Does Not Want To Do Sex At All and that has consequences, namely that they do not get to have sex with that partner.

if you're uninterested in opening the relationship up (which is fine!) that means they either need to cope or y'all need to break up, which frankly sounds like it might be awesome for both of you based on everything you're saying here. no one is necessarily at fault here, but this is a major lack of compatibility that seems like it's only going to keep eating at both of you. there are lots of different ways to be intimate in a relationship, and you both deserve to find someone operating on a more similar frequency.

also, hey, this?

I'm fine with them watching porn to get off and the occasional comment that they would prefer me have the body of one of those actresses

you shouldn't be fine with that. talking about anyone's body like that is shitty, let alone an intimate partner. I would hit somebody with a car for that, personally.

also hey PS if tampons suck that much there's a chance you have vaginismus, a condition that causes the vaginal muscles to reflexively and often painfully tighten to prevent penetration. it's a fairly common condition that's often caused by anxiety or trauma, and in many cases the easiest solution is to Stop Putting Things In Your Vagina.

#sex edventures 2023

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aroacehogwarts · 6 years

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Aromantic asexual trans boy Neville bonding with greyaromantic bisexual trans boy Harry and demiromantic asexual trans boy Ron?

“What is this called again? Bow-ling?”

“Bowling,” Harry grinned, enjoying the slight mispronunciation. “And don’t ask me more than that, the Dursley’s never took me.”

“So we just throw the balls down at those little sticky-up things? And knock them out?”

Harry shrugged. “Sounds about right.”

“Wicked,” Ron brightened. “A muggle game I think I can get behind.”

Harry laughed. Neville seemed intent on studying the bowling ball rack, probing into the finger holes and turning them to study their colors. Ron clapped Neville on the back.

“You figure out a difference yet?”

“Weight? Size?” Neville said faintly. He bent down to the bottom to pick up a swirly, lime green one, hefted it to feel it’s weight, then gave Harry and Ron a lopsided grin and walked off to their lane.

Harry and Ron looked at each other and followed suit. If the color, weight, or size made a difference, they could always switch out, couldn’t they? Harry chose a nice black and maroon ball that reminded him of a quaffle, a little surprised at how heavy it was. Ron picked a bright orange ball that Harry suspected was a nod to the Chudley Cannons.

Bowling wasn’t an activity any of them would have picked on their own, least of all Harry, but Hermione had practically run Ron and Harry out of their shared house, claiming she needed a break from boys. She was going to hang out with Luna, Ginny, Padma, and Hannah. When Ron and Harry had teasingly bemoaned their lack of interesting activity, Hermione had rolled her eyes and bustled about, roping Neville into hanging out with them. He wasn’t quite sure why Hermione had picked bowling, but Neville was really happy to see them and Ron seemed interested and Harry didn’t mind trying it, so it worked for him.

“Who wants to go first then?” Neville asked, staring down the runway like it was a difficult arthrimancy problem he needed to solve.

“I’ll go,” Ron perked up. He cradled the ball with two hands, one of which he shoved his fingers into the provided holes. Harry would have surreptitiously studied the other people in the alley, but Ron seemed content to swagger up to the runway, then let the ball rip from his fingers. The couple of friendly, drunken boys around their age in the next lane screamed at the incoming projectile, then fell to the ground laughing and pointing, wondering where the ball came from. A red-faced Ron turned around to stare at Neville and Harry. Neville was doubled over, shaking as he tried to hide his laughter. Harry didn’t bother with subtleties, giving Ron a thumbs up because that was all he could manage.

Neville went next. His attempt was much smoother. Seemed he had studied a few other players, as his technique was much closer to theirs. His fingers didn’t quite let go of the ball soon enough, though, and it arced through the air before slamming into the runway, wobbled down it, then got caught by the gutter. He shrugged at his friends but couldn’t help the small smile at his own failed attempt. One of the drunken boys finally figured out where the orange ball came from and came over to return it, clapping Neville, who was closest to him, on the back. “Ey, boys, you wanna toss that down towards the pins, yeah?” he grinned. They laughed and agreed that was a better strategy before he returned to his friends.

Finally, it was Harry’s turn. He had the benefit or learning from Ron and Neville’s mistake. Deciding not to take chances, he just held the ball in both hands, walked up to the runway, then bent down and gave it a push down the runway. He realized right away that he hadn’t pushed it hard enough when it slowly wavered down the runway, stopping before it even got halfway. Ron’s laughter was as loud as Harry’s been at Ron’s own failed run. Unsure what to do, Harry tried to start down the runway himself, immediately discovered why that was a bad idea, shortly after being scared by an employee who must have vaulted over the counter to come tell him never to do that. One of the drunk boys next to them laughed so hard he started hiccuping. Ron had tears running down his face as a shamefaced Harry returned to his seat while the worker went to fetch the ball.

“Do you lads need a lesson in bowling?” he offered. Harry felt his face burn. He thought Neville might take the offer, but Ron jumped up.

“No way!” he said. “I think we’re figuring it out just fine,” he replied, grinning at his pals. “Way more fun this way.” The worker looked a little worried but left them alone again.

Several more runs and heavier with pop and alcoholic pop (neither of which was nearly as good as butterbeer or even firewhiskey) along with fries and pretzels, Harry wasn’t sure if they were getting better or not but they weren’t getting worse. Of course, the actual playing had slowed down a bit as they got drawn into conversation with each other.

The playing really stopped when Neville dropped his news. “I came out to gran, finally.”

“What? When? Mate, why didn’t you say anything?” Ron asked.

Neville looked down at the ground. “Because she didn’t take it well at first, and it… I just wasn’t ready.”

Harry’s hand hovered by Neville’s knee, wondering if it was the right move. “At first?”

“Yeah. I guess she could get behind having a grandson because it made me look more like my dad, but the fact that I’m aroace and am not interested in marriage or kids or anything was too much for her. Gotta carry on the family name, you know. I think Professor McGonagall might have talked to her for me, though. I ran into her at the hospital while… you know, visiting. She didn’t exactly apologize, but I don’t expect she ever will. She… talked to me, though. I think she might be pretending I didn’t come out. She just avoids the subject. But I don’t think it’s really any better.”

Now Harry did put his hand on Neville’s knee.

“Sorry, mate,” Ron frowned. “You know, it took my mum a bit to adjust to me being - well, everything. Trans, demiromantic, and ace. For me, Bill, Charlie, and even Ginny helped to break that ice, though, so I got her best reaction yet. She’s got enough love to share. If you wanna spend Christmas with us or anything… I’m sure the door is open. Hell, she’ll probably even make you a green and blue sweater with a purple ‘N’ or something.”

Neville sniffled before he looked up. He leaned over to side hug Harry. “Thanks. I… I might. It depends how it goes the next few weeks, I guess.”

After a pause, Harry added, “Hagrid says my mum would have been really proud of me for admitting I’m trans and bi and grayro, and my dad would have adored me no matter what. Same with the other Marauders. Did you know my mum was actually bi? Apparently Lupin was trans, too.” Saying the words made him feel warm and loved. “Wish I’d been able to find out for myself, though.” Neville squeezed him tighter for just a moment.

Ron stood up suddenly. “More pretzels,” he said, but Harry saw the corners of his eyes were damp. He smiled and wondered if this is what Hermione had in mind when she sent them out bowling.

“So who’s turn is it?” he asked. Neville let go, but the two stayed close.

“Oh, I don’t even know. Me, I guess.”

Just as he was about to get up and take another turn, Ron returned followed by one of the workers. “Just wanted to let you guys know that we’re closing up in fifteen or so. I can get you some pretzels to go, though?”

Ron agreed to the pretzels, and the worker left them to set about getting off the shoes that they’d silently spelled cleaner before even putting them on and putting their bowling balls back on the rack.

“You think Hermione and the others are done?” Harry wondered.

Neville gently knocked shoulders with Harry and then Ron. “You can always stay the night at my place if not.”

“You know,” Ron said, “that actually sounds great.” They sent Hermione a note via Neville’s owl, Gilly, to let her know not to expect them. And they spent the rest of the night in good company.

~Hufflepuff Mod

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