#mostly posting bc this is not a vent post exactly though it is a bit

[hajimeow-archived]

Yo Hajime talk abt ur kin mems

since there were no specifications on which ones i am going to start from the beginning and go where my brain takes me from there. they're all gonna be for hajime bc i physically cannot think about my other memories anymore jsyk

also! this ended up being so long i had to put a cut. i will not be apologizing because i feel no remorse.

so first the basic stuff, i remember having a med skin tone and a FUCK ton of freckles like those motherfuckers were everywhere i had skin. also i was 5'7 i think?? or 5'6. i still can't remember exactly but it's something like that. i was also alloaro, some form of mlm, unfortunately cis, and autistic and probably had some other stuff like adhd or depression or whatever but i forgot. also i was kinda muscle-y but also chubby at the same time. and i had light green eyes. basically i was fanon hajime JSJSKDJDKS

and i was going over the wiki recently and my personality was EXACTLY how they described it like i'm genuinely surprised they got it so accurate

i don't remember much pre-game and post game, most of my memories are in game but i do remember pre game chiaki really well, honestly i rly miss her :( she would always reassure me that i didn't need a talent and i never even cared when she beat me in games cus just simply playing them with her was so fun .,.,,;:,,...,,!:&:&:jsjdjskskck</3

anyways. in game. ok. i'm gonna skip over memories where i just know feelings and not specific things like strong feelings or ppl saying stuff or else this would be so long. also obvious sdr2 spoilers

so i remember the party & blackout in the beginning of the game pretty clearly. i was mostly just standing alone in the corner and watching everyone have fun, but it was really freeing to see the others able to enjoy themselves in such pressing circumstances. then the blackout-- it was kinda like all that happiness going away and the dread and denial immediately setting in .

anyways i remember like panicking and wanting to cry when i lifted the table cloth cus i really liked twogami. i'm p sure i did end up crying cus i really liked them for their realism and leadership skills, and the realization that one of us killed them and that the killing game was actually real etc etc

anyway i don't remember much from the investigation or trial besides being really freaked out when nagito basically admitted to being the killer n stuff, and pretty much all the body discoveries after that (besides ch 5) we're just like "ah shit here we go again" but i do remember mikans trial really freaking me out when she just straight up shifted completely, and i also remember being really proud of fuyuhiko for putting his walls down a bit and deciding to help everyone out while the despair disease was going around

anyway enough of the boring stuff, i spent basically all my free time with komaeda, chiaki and mikan (in order of frequency) and with mikan i mostly listened to her talk about medical stuff and i comforted her when she needed to vent, but i didn't hang out with her much because the constant apologizing n stuff started to bother me since i really liked seeing her happy. chiaki i would mostly play games with and we wouldn't talk much, but she gave me a really strong sense of familiarity like when we played games together it gave me a shit ton of deja vu

AND i've already talked a lot about komaeda but idc i'm doing it again. so we started talking cus of him waking me up on the beach obvs and i was pretty attached right off the bat, but i stopped talking to him for awhile because the way he acted in the first trial REALLY scared me so i just got a pit in my stomach even being around him

but he was the one who started approaching me first, i'm guessing since he couldn't rly sense anything was wrong he just kinda picked things up where they left off and started talking w me at breakfast n stuff and it was pretty weird at first, but i wanted to give him a chance and didn't wanna be rude so i accepted offers to hang out in his cottage n stuff

i remember he has surgery scars tho and i'm rly mad ppl don't draw him with any!! i think he had about 5 and i don't remember all of them but i know one was a skin graft on his leg and the one on his side/stomach that i touched wassssss for appendix removal maybe???? mmmm i'm not too sure about that one tho

also !!!! his death. hoooooly shit. ok so yunno the despair that junko always talks about ?????? yeah <3!! i remember like once i saw his body and took the reality in i just. straight up could NOT stand i like fell to my knees and jsut . cried. like i had no thoughts my head was so full that it was empty i just kinda sat there and silent cried while chiaki stood next to me it was so awful dude

later while investigating n stuff i felt really bad ab how i treated him and thought about him, and i thought a lot about our last interaction. it was the first time i had ever approached him myself cus usually he'd come to me. i was gonna hang out with chiaki but i wanted to check up on him first, so i did and he told me to go hang out with the others and i just. knew something terrible was about to happen.

OH AND THE FUNHOUSE OMG ok i literally. i usually didn't mind being around komaeda like he was chill most of the time when he wasn't ranting about hope but when he was acting like such a bitch in the funhouse i wanted to punch his stupid twink ass so bad like...... what BUSINESS does this dude have being such an asshole. he doesn't even know what face wash is. what the fuck. which is another fun fact! komaeda did shower every so often which is why he didn't smell that bad but his skin was always so dry cus he didn't know how to actually wash right and do proper skincare so he just washed his face w soap and left it like that

also he didn't need to cut his nails cus they were so brittle they would just break off on their own <3 plus he had a nail biting habit so they just never grew ever

OH AND THIS IS THE SADDEST THING i remember feeling so bad for this man bc i would like put my hand on his shoulder and he would lean into it. i mean i'd tap his shoulder for a SECOND and girl when i let go hed be lowkey so sad i could just sense it like??????dude he needed a hug SSO BAD like when i hugged him in my cuddling memory he was like holding on for dear life but also was like "u dOnT hAvE tO tOuCh TrAsH LiKe mE hAjImE" like dude it was the saddest shit. i want to hug him forever. like what the fuck what the fuck!!!!!!!!!

also a thing hed do when he started ranting ab hope n shit like he would just go on and on and yunno that one sprite where he's hugging himself yeah he literally did that shit. also sometimes hed just stare dead at me and start backing me into a corner ((ish-- we were usually sitting somewhere but he mostly just got super close to me) and it was the scariest shit i. bro if i saw him like that on the streets i'd return him to the mental hospital like i can remember it somewhat vividly and that shit was TERRIFYING i mean obvs after i shoved him away and told him to cool it he'd apologize and go back to the way he was but jeez dude ....

also a little fun fact the only reason i really kept hanging out with him (i had a few ofc but this was the most prominent) is cus he was hot in my stupid monkey brain. yes that's it. like that's literally pretty much it. i hate admitting it but this post is SO fucking long i doubt anyone's gonna read it anyway so i'm admitting it now lol

anyway i hope u enjoyed :) i'm glad u asked btw! i'm sure you regret it though!

#do not fucking underestimate me #i feel like i'm not allowed to talk about myself in conversation so when i'm asked like this you're NOT hearing the end of it #kinblr #fictionkin #hajime hinata kin #nagito komaeda kin #putting this in tags bc theres so much and. i dunno ajdjdjsjdk #kin talk #ask #bestie neko 💕

[kindaskimpy]

can i just vent for a minute? it's been a few years since i abandoned spn and i came back to it for the finale, mostly bc of all the commotion about 5x18. and I get that destiel has become The Ship of the show, but I saw a couple of posts that were shitting on the finale bc ‘no mention of cas’ or ‘going back to s1 codependency’ and ‘weird incest vibes’, like FUCK OFF, wincest pretty much made the show what it is, do people forget that castiel wasn’t even a main character until s5? fuck destiel

First, let me say that my ask box is always open so feel free to vent away any time you need. Sometimes you just need to let it out. I’m in a similar position to you where I backed off Supernatural when the storytelling lost its way a bit and a part of the fandom became toxic. I kept watching though, just not engaging much here or elsewhere about it. I’m glad I did because the story found better (if unsteady) footing again, eventually, but the fandom did not. It only got worse. I’ve been around Tumblr and specifically SPN Tumblr a very very long time so I’ve seen it all, pretty much. I’ve stayed clear of the fandom drama all the way through and that’s the best piece of advice I can give you: don’t let them in. Don’t give them the power to taint your experience in any way. I have my thoughts on Castiel so I won’t rehash them but I will say this about the series, the finale, the story, and the characters as a whole: the show did not become something it wasn’t at the end just to satisfy a faction of the audience or maybe even the writers. It held true to what it always was... this tragic story about these extraordinarily good men: Sam and Dean.

My fear going into the finale was that they’d turn it into a happy ending, white picket fence, separate ways sort of thing and make that be endgame for the characters, when the show was never about that. As you saw, it didn’t happen that way! Hallelujah! Somebody was paying attention! People losing their marbles because their completely fandom fabricated ship didn’t make it on screen makes no sense to me. It didn’t exist in the first place! You made it up! The show never gave it to you then took it away... it simply did not exist! 

A little common sense goes a long way here and I see none of it going around. You want to ship it and believe it? By all means do! Enjoy! But you simply believing something does not make it so. That was never the story being told!

It is mind-boggling to me that you can watch 15 years worth of anecdotal proof of the fact that the story is about Sam and Dean and how they’ll always choose each other, no matter the cost, and then come away shocked and furious when at the end... once again, like hundreds of times before... it ends up being Sam and Dean! Have we been watching the same show? Have you been paying attention? Please show me where in canon it ever appeared that this story wasn’t about the two of them? People are certainly entitled to their own emotions and opinions but they are not entitled to rewrite history. Your butt hurts because your fandom fantasy didn’t come to life. That doesn’t give you the right to attack the show, the story, the characters, the crew, or the cast. That’s all on you! You built an entire story in your head and you’ve only yourself to blame for thinking it existed anywhere outside of it. The cast and crew of Supernatural did not owe you anything, certainly not making your fan fiction come to life. I cried for hours about that finale. It hurt. And there were things that I would definitely done differently but I’m sane enough and mature enough to recognize where my role ends as an audience member. And furthermore, I cannot begrudge even the things I would have changed because in the end, the show didn’t break canon for anyone or anything... in the end, it was still exactly as it should have been: about the two of them. If you went from the pilot episode all the way to “Carry On” and didn’t see this was always going to be the epic love story of Sam and Dean, then you saw only what you wanted to see... not what was being presented to you. Supernatural ended as it began. A full circle.

#Ask Box #Anonymous #Spoilers #Supernatural #15x20 #Thoughts on 15x20 #Thoughts on Castiel #J2 GIFs

[metalbatandzenko]

Help, People Think My Bodyguard Is Hot!AU

So I posted earlier about the fact that my dumbass gremlin brain managed to mix a Bodyguard AU, Fake Dating AU, Unrequited Love, Childhood Friends, and Mutual Pining into one AU...this is that AU. It’s Mumensai and Flashysonic endgame.

Main Plot:

So Flashy Flash is an idol and Mumen’s his personal assistant. The two have been working together for a few years, and Flash has come to trust Mumen’s judgement, even though he thinks Mumen can be a bit high-strung/get’s anxious easily. 

The night before a major event, Flash’s security detail fell through.

Mumen panics, and asks his best friend Saitama, who works as a security contractor/bodyguard at a company he and Genos own.

Previously, Mumen hadn’t asked him to because Mumen was worried it would come off as biased, and Saitama thought that was fair. Plus he wasn’t exactly sold on the idea of working for Flashy Flash in the first place, so no hard feelings.

This time around was an emergency though, so Saitama agrees to fill in, and brings a few of his coworkers (it is supposed to be a detail after all. He’s pretty sure that means more than one guy. He’s not sure to be honest, Genos handles the logistics most of the time.)

There ends up being a scuffle at Flash’s show and long story short Saitama takes down like 6 guys.

Flash is suitably impressed and offers him a position as his personal bodyguard Saitama being the cheapskate he is, and hearing the paycheck associated with it accepts on the spot.

Everything’s going smoothly for a few days, but then someone on twitter tweets a picture of Saitama helping Flash out of his limo with the caption “Wait is it just me or is Flashy Flash’s bodyguard hot? 😳”

Saitama becomes an overnight sensation (remember Kylie Jenner’s bodyguard? Yeah that) and people start following him on socials, except—you know—he’s Saitama so his ig account isn’t curated pictures but is just stupid pics of things in his house and him goofing off with Genos (who is also his roommate) and King.

He gets even more popular when someone posts a video of Saitama taking down the guys at Flashy’s show.

Flash is pretty amused by this, and thinks Saitama’s floundering in the new spotlight is really funny. 

He gives Saitama a few tips and tricks on how to keep a clean feed for ig (which Saitama only follows sometimes), and has Mumen create a twitter account for him under the username baldandbeautiful and get it verified. 

Saitama does not think this is funny, and begins tweeting absolute nonsense to try to spite Flash. This does not work. He keeps gaining followers. What the fuck. His tweet that was just “do you think birds know we love them” got 81k retweets. What is twitter.

So Flash, Saitama and Mumen continue on like this for a few months, and things are going swimmingly.

Then it comes out that Amai Mask (Flashy’s ex who he had a really messy public breakup with) began dating his personal bodyguard (Sonic).

Now Amai seeing someone new would be fine by itself, but it turns out Sonic is Flash’s childhood friend, and ex. 

So Flash vents to Saitama about how his exes are dating just to spite him and how he needs to figure out his next public appearance because all eyes are going to be on him.

Spoiler alert: he ends up going and partying at a club and getting wasted. This isn’t especially out of the ordinary for him, but what is out of the ordinary is him climbing on Sai’s lap in the middle of the lounge, and leaning in to kiss him. (The paparazzi lose their minds)

Saitama pulls back and asks him what he’s doing and Flash (who it turns out is actually completely sober) explains the publicity behind him dating his famous hot bodyguard would be great for both of them and he’ll double how much he’s paying him.

Saitama hesitates for a moment because he’s been in love with Mumen since they were in high school, but he relents, because honestly, money is tight, and Mumen doesn’t like him back so there’s no reason to hold out. And Flash is attractive, so there are worse people to pretend to date.

Flash and Saitama’s “steamy makeout sesh” is all over the rag magazines the next day and they’re getting tons of good publicity from it. 

Mumen starts acting a bit weird around Saitama which he gets—Mumen’s always been a romantic so him pretending to date someone wouldn’t sit well with the guy.

The two continue to fake date for a while. Flash ends up genuinely falling for Saitama, but also confesses to him while drunk one night that he’s still in love with Sonic. 

Saitama in turn confides in him that he’s been in love with someone for years, but is scared of ruining what they have by telling them.

He doesn’t tell Flash who it is, but Flash puts two and two together and just has to watch Mumen and Saitama pine for each other like idiots. He eventually ends up “firing” him as a boyfriend but keeping him on as his security guard.

But anyways it ends up with Flashysonic, Mumensai and Amai x Tons of money from the breakup album he puts out ajrbvttv

Other characters:

Sonic is a private contractor. His backstory is actually fairly similar to canon in terms of having taken jobs as a hitman, bodyguard and/or thief. He and Flash grew up together, and “dated” up until fairly recently. When Flash got discovered, it drove a wedge between the two of them and they split on bad terms. He ended up hired as extra security for an event Amai was holding. Despite being told he could enjoy himself as he was mostly there for show bc Amai could handle himself, he ended up taking down a guy who tried to attack Amai Mask, and made quick work of him. When Amai mentioned he could handle himself, Sonic told him to shut up, because he’d hired him for a job, and damn if he wasn’t going to do it. Amai, surprisingly, found this hilarious it helps he that found Sonic attractive and ends up offering him a job. He still sees Saitama as his rival because Saitama once caught him trying to steal from his client and knocked him out. He ended up wiggling out of a felony charge because his client at the time was incredibly wealthy and got him a good lawyer.

Amai Mask is still a famous actor, singer and model. He and Flash dated briefly (originally for publicity but they both got attached). It ended because he realized Flash was still in love Sonic.

Genos is Saitama’s roommate and coworker. He handles more of the business/logistical end of their security work, but he’s no pushover, and occasionally contracts out himself. Saitama usually benches him though because he has a tendency to get in fights.

King is one of the bodyguards but he’s mostly there to add numbers to the security details bc he can’t fight for shit, he just looks big and scary enough that people back down. He actually does better with the tech elements, and he and Genos work on that together.

Fubuki is Flash’s current agent. She’s constantly trying to help him raise his status, and by extension her own. She poaches a few of Saitama’s employees/coworkers to come work for her, or sign a contract for her. (What? You’ve managed to surround yourself with very attractive bodyguards. They could make it as models, Saitama.)

Tatsumaki is Amai Mask’s agent, and Fubuki’s older sister. She discovered Amai Mask, and turned him into a worldwide phenomenon. 

Badd and Garou probably won’t make a major appearance in this AU but if they do, it’ll be as Saitama and Genos’ coworkers that Fubuki successfully convinces to go into modelling...but not under her.

#au #mumensai #flashysonic

[throwing-summers-at-the-walls]

Hello half valid anon here (i like my nickname 😂). I got through all your fics and they were all great. Right now im just reading a lot of poi fanfics and watch fanvids cause i can't accept that the series is over 😂 --- i know what you mean about fics affecting you negatively. I had this with 13rw (the Show and some fics) everything was so dark and hopeless that i had to stop watching it. I also love to seek out fics where someone is hurt so i can feel my pain through the characters (1)

But i try to read only fics with lots of comfort so it kinda feels like i get comforted as well (dont know if that makes sense). If it makes you uncomfortable or if its unhealthy for you to write about this i completely understand and i dont mean to come of as pushing you to write. I just hope whatever you do will be the right decision for you! As for you feeling suicidal im sorry to hear that. Let me know if there is ever anything i can do to help! I wish i could say sth more comforting but Im not super good with words :( i just hope you have people in your life that support you! 💛

maybe root will grow on you too? Or maybe you can skip her scenes and enjoy John, Harold and most importanly Bear! 😂 Yeah Shaw definately looks really good. She is a bit like Reese minus the caring. At first it seems she doesnt care about anything at all but thats not exactly the Case. There was an episode with Shaw and a little girl (3x5) and i really loved it (have you seen that one?).

I really think Shaw would grow on you (especially since in the beginning she does a lot with John) but then again a lot of her later scenes include Root so im not sure. Yes i love that there were never any romantic undertones with her and John!!

yeah the core four were great. I was so sad when Carter died! :(

i guess everyone sees chemistry different, i think Shoot and Rinch post have great chemistry ☺️

as for John being good with people: YES!! he is always so compassionate and such a great listener as well. I especially like him with children. John and the baby were so cute or John with the boy who offered to pay for him. John + Kids was always a great combination and i wished we would have seen it more often. Also regarding children we did we never got to see a John Taylor scene after Carters death? I needed that!

yes John the badass is also amazing! His character has so many different sides and i love him so much!!

i think Grace Harold was really cute but i dont really see a future for them, i mean he lied to her for so long! but then again they really loved each other so idk maybe they work it out. Im also not into John/Harold/Grace but like you said good for the people who like the ship :)

John and Zoe were great! i wish Zoe would have appeared more often!

I have so many things to say about John and the boring therapist but i think i better not say them :D i wish i could just erase their relationship from my mind!

of course he didnt die! i didnt see a dead body so i refuse to believe he is dead! i also just wanted them to be happy. what kind of an ending is it to let the main character die? i refuse to accept this! -- thank you for the rec i will check it out :) while i do like fluff i mostly read h/c (with the focus on the comfort) cause i just want John to get his much needed comfort :D -- i have no idea where season 1 is supposed to be boring. but idc the people can live with their wrong opinions :D

(today: tumblr user nourann3 discovers the option to indent text after almost 5 years on tumblr...)

Hiii !! It is a very valid nickname 😂 That's nice !! Hmu if you want more recs ! Lol same honestly, I can't believe it's been 4 years since the show ended ! I can give you a link to my poi/Rinch fanvids playlist if you're interested 👀

Oh boi 13rw is so cursed, can't believe I watched all of the 1st season 😬 I remember being afraid of the suicide scene making me uncomfortable but it was so cringe, unrealistic and just bad that I wasn't even that uncomfortable, I cringed when she cut her arms but that's it.

Yeah big mood I project a lot on comfort fics as well. For suicide fics, I think it also depends on how the fics adress the subject. It's something that is complicated to write. If I read a suicide fic with no recovery I'm gonna project but feel like shit. But with recovery, I can project into the recovery as well so it's better ! I read a really good ace attorney fic showing Miles recovering after a suicide attempt, it was thoughtful and didn't fall into the pitfalls of magical super fast recovery/love heals everything, and some lines stuck with me, it was really good and comforting. But yeah if it's just a suicide/suicide attempt then I don't think it's good for me (but sometimes I still read it bc I'm a Dumb Bitch).

Dw you didn't come off as pushing 💜 I'll see how I feel about continuing it or not. I have to figure out if writing about suicide is positive or negative for me 🤔 I mean I'm not portraying John's suicidal crisis as a positive thing, and he reaches out to Harold, and considers he might get better so I don't think it's bad for me ? Another problem is that I have a tendency to drop my wips to write a new shiny idea I get, and then I never finish anything gkgkffjfjf I dropped the suicide fic for the body horror fic which I dropped for the time loop fic, and there's also the hanahaki fic I started last year but I haven't touched in months, plus a bunch of random shit floating around OneDrive lmao someone stop me

What helps the most is venting, just getting that shit out is helping y'know. I appreciate your support ♥️ at least it's not as bad as it used to be

I doubt Root will grow on me, catch me watching her scenes at 1.5 speed lmao, also yes you bet I'll enjoy watching them !!

Yes I remember that ep ! Iirc the little girl tells Shaw she has feelings but the volume is lower than in other people or smth along those lines ?

I hope she'll grow on me bc she seems cool. I remember I was a bit afraid of her just becoming a sort of hollow copy of John, like "look we added another badass to the show". Seems to be more than that though ! Also I'm curious about their mayhem twins dynamic. But yeah if she has a lot of scenes with Root idk how much it'll annoy me

I feel like I wouldn't be able to get the Shoot chemistry bc I'm too biased against Root lol

Ikr the crossing hurt me so much. But thinking about it takes me back to my careese days and my first fics lol. I feel like the death of one of the core four + the abandonment of the library really alienated me from the show (did I already say that before ?). And here I'm gonna shamelessly derail from Carter to the library bc boiii do I have a lot of feelings about the library !! And you're here, talking about poi, so you're the perfect subject to throw these feelings at. This post really says what I feel about it (I'll put the link at the end as well if you wanna read it after you're done with this l o n g reply). It was in a way its own character and its forced abandonment/destruction really hit me (fucked me up when they broke that glass board). It says something that it's one of the few things I remember from S3 along with Carter's death and 4C. I loved it a lot, it was a cornerstone of the show. It was a safe place, a home for Harold and John (and Bear !). I love when they're together in there, I love this cracked glass board, this yellow stained glass in the windows !!! (at least I assume it's stained glass ?), these lights, Bear's cushion, the whole cozy/safe/isolated feelings, just absolutely everything. And yeah later they have the subway, idk when it's introduced I don't remember if it's early enough for me to have watched it. And maybe it's nice, I can't judge rn. But it's like trying to give me a new MC after a MCD, make him as nice as you want I'll be clutching the previous MC until I die. Gkfkfkff I went overboard and off topic but I just love the library ok

Ikr I love how he's badass but also gentle and understanding and nice to people ! I love him !!! Yeah wolf and cub is really good, also I love when John smiles to Darren at the end !! I use this moment as my pfp bc I love it so much. He's just so cute ! I wish he smiled more (did we ever hear him laugh in the entirety of the show ?). Baby blue is so great, Harold and him are such a married couple in this ep ! Yeah same more content with John and children would have been nice.

I never thought about how much we needed a John Taylor scene but yes !! We were robbed :((((

Speaking of John being a cool badass. Here's a badass John vid rec it's super good

Yeah they were cute in the past. I think it's good he went back to her bc it gives closure to both of them. But I don't see their relationship working again. She grieved, probably started to move on after all these years and knowing he lied all this time probably won't make her want to go back with him. I've never been in love so what do I know lol, but were I her I probably wouldn't want to go back with him and I'd just be happy knowing he's alive after all.

Same I need more Zoe (also she's hot)

Lmao let's just forget about that weird relationship shall we

Aren't we all the same, firmly believing he's alive and happy out there ! It was foreshadowed since the first ep and it made sense but do I care ? No, fuck that shit John is very much alive

You're welcome ! John needs all the comfort and the love !!! I think I have a preference for fluff bc he gets hurt enough in the show lol

Indeed they can, veryyy far away from us

Sry if this is shit I have like half a functioning braincell today

The post abt home bases I mentioned

#half valid anon #look you have your own tag #person of interest #tw suicide #i thought I was done but then i got feelings abt the library

[dontcallmecarrie]

Natasha's judgment is so off for a spy. Could we get insight as to how they're thinking? I know you wrote a chapter but maybe some backstory or such to explain why she dislikes Tony on principle? Why she's so quick to insult Maria and choose Steve? Is she caught up in the goodness and honestly Steve seems to project? Does her judgment on his decisions become biased bc she's used to reading ppl who mean harm not ppl who unintentionally/subconsciously harm? Does Steve make her feel like she's good

I’ll see what I can do to clarify this in-story, because odds are you’re not the only one who’s seeing it. Hopefully, though, at least some of my reasoning showed through.

Under the cut, because cue meta and you guys know how much I ramble when I get going:

There’s several factors to it all:

First and foremost, there’s the unreliable narrator thing to consider. 

JARVIS, for instance, hasn’t trusted her since before she stabbed Tony in the neck, back in IM2. 

Add to that how he died trying to protect Tony [and at least managed to give a bit of a warning, when the Penthouse Incident happened], coming back online [with all the trauma that entails, even if he doesn’t quite show it], to see Natasha doing absolutely nothing while Tony was a flick of the wrist from a snapped neck, and you get a budding Skynet who harbors absolutely no goodwill towards Natasha Romanov [and it shows through in his POV, even if it’s hopefully subtle].

Tony’s slightly more chill, but he’s known that Natasha doesn’t like him, and after the disaster that was his sole attempt to reach out towards Bruce, well…once bitten, twice shy. 

Then, during the Penthouse Incident, he’s 50% on the defensive while the other 50% is in shock because JARVIS died and only Maria Hill even cared. [That he was being attacked was secondary, at that point.] So when someone’s attacking the only one who gives a damn about JARVIS, Tony’s not exactly feeling very charitable towards the woman who introduced herself as Natalie Rushman. 

…also, anyone notice the codependence going on between Tony and JARVIS? There’s a reason I’ve been warning for it.

As for my take on Natasha’s perspective: I did my best, and hopefully my dislike didn’t show [much]. 

Thing is, TWiFFON is a spitefic at heart.

I started it in reaction to the turn the fandom took when it comes to Tony Stark especially after Civil War, so I’m not going to be exactly very friendly towards Natasha [or anyone on Team Cap for that matter, if you guys haven’t already noticed]. 

And that leads me to the next point.

Fun fact: I actually like Natasha, for the most part. Her characterization throughout the entirety of the MCU’s been through the wringer, fluctuating from movie to movie, though, and I took advantage of that when I outlined this fic.

See, Phase1-and-pre-AoU!Natasha’s got a good head on her shoulders. Her, I like: she’s badass and loyal to people rather than institutions and ruthless enough to do what’s necessary to keep her people safe [gee doesn’t that sound familiar]. She’s outwitted Loki [even if he was under the influence of the Scepter at the time], and survived the Red Room, for crying out loud! [If you’ve read my fic idea Welcome to the Family, you know that’s the one I had in mind at the time of writing.]

…however, that’s not the Natasha we’ve seen recently.

Phase2-especially-post-AoU!Natasha didn’t think to call the genius who’s company she infiltrated during a time they could’ve really used his expertise, didn’t see the problem in letting the fugitives she’d been helping chase go, and didn’t think twice about attacking the Crown Prince of a monarchy that just lost its King. I know it’s probably just bad writing in general [where the hell did the Bruce/Natasha thing even come from? Or the wanting a kid thing?! Canon or not, that’s just…nope], but still.

She unironically tried to go “I’m not the one who should watch my back”, in Civil War, despite having painted a target on anyone she ever worked with [yes I’m still salty about it], so it really should be no surprise that this is the Natasha I have in mind when writing TWiFFON. [Not very nice, but like I said, spitefic.]

So, that’s a good chunk on my approach to Natasha, right there. The rest involves her backstory.

I’ve yet to read a comic, but via tumblr and Phase 1, I got the feeling that the Red Room isn’t exactly very kind. [No comment on Phase 2′s interpretation bc I hate AoU with a passion rivaled only by Civil War.] As such, I can extrapolate from there that Natasha’s had some hardcore training, and to be fair, she’s very good at what she does, and her confidence in her skills is mostly justified.

However, she’s been born and raised as a living weapon, a child soldier and spy: that skillset is not exactly conductive towards being an analyst, or tactician.

Infiltrate consulates and take out hit squads singlehandedly? Sure. Reading people for the short term so she can use that to her advantage? Absolutely. But what she gets up to later on in the MCU is nowhere in her job description [coughcough*analysisinIM2*cough]. She can make a decent facsimile of it, sure, but she just isn’t qualified to diagnose people [though I have a headcanon for that scenario that explains why, but that’s something for another post].

But she can read people very well, and since it’s worked thus far, Natasha doesn’t think twice about it. Due to the life she’s had, she doesn’t look back, which I completely understand because if she had she might’ve drowned in regret because I get the feeling the Red Room’s upbringing was nothing less than cutthroat. Those two things get a special mention because of how she’s introduced to Tony.

Now, let me backtrack a little: I’ve done some meta before on how good Tony is at masks, enough so that he’s fooling everyone even as he’s dying. He grew up in front of the cameras, and learned how to work them from a master of the art [his mom, in my AUs].

So, when a spy rocks up expecting a show, Tony puts it on, and Natasha buys it. I don’t doubt she twisted some things to suit the analysis at the end, of course, but between his public image and his masks, Natasha ends up falling in the same trap everyone else does.

Anyone who gets close to him knows it’s bull, but since Tony in TWiFFON is more guarded than ever before, and he’s not about to let Natasha in now.

As for Steve Rogers…Tony’s image is a general “everyone knows” thing; it’s subtle and low-key “oh what’s he done now? Another Fashion Week Fiasco?” Kardashian-style sort of thing, which is part of why Natasha fell for it. Steve’s image, on the other hand, was blatant propaganda since the start and only became more so over time […I wonder what the Second Red Scare would’ve looked like, in the MCU now, ngl], so for Natasha, with her Red Room upbringing, it’s pretty damn easy for her to tell. 

From when she first meets Steve, and later on down the road, it’s a no-brainer to look past the propaganda and notice the lonely man who’s adrift in a world that’s moved on without him. And from there, it’s very [almost scarily, for someone who’s very guarded when it comes to personal stuff] easy to make friends. 

Steve sees Natasha where others see the Black Widow, which isn’t something many people do [Phil and Clint’re the exception, not the norm], though, so it makes sense that she warms up to him so quickly. Plus he’s a good man, and given the life she’s had, Natasha can fully appreciate just how few of them there are in the world.

And since we’ve already established that Natasha’s fiercely protective of the few people she likes, it makes sense she’s just as fierce to attack if the situation ever arises.

During the Penthouse Incident, Natasha’s immediate take-away of the situation was: Tony’d fucked up somehow and needed to own up to it, meanwhile Maria Hill was on his payroll, defending him when he was in the wrong, and had a gun pointed in the general direction of the people she liked more than the people she didn’t. Of course Natasha was going to yell at her for it! 

And it wasn’t like Thor was going to hurt Tony or anything, his hand was obviously positioned in a way that was meant to be nonlethal and if he’d really wanted to kill Tony his grip would’ve been different.

After the fact, once Ultron’s made clear just what he is, she’s mildly apologetic about it. But since she didn’t really like Tony anyway and Maria Hill seemed to have forgotten about it, well, it wasn’t like it was anything major anyway, right?

...meanwhile, Maria’s very good at hiding her grudge and venting whenever she’s at one of the SWORD meet-ups while the others are patting her on the back while continuing to plan Phase 3 and checking out rich protocols, but that’s a story for another day.

Also: bear in mind that Natasha, in my AUs, has the Red Room’s version of the serum, so she forgets that not everyone’s as durable as she is. [that’s the only explanation for why I see her being so chill during That One Scene because the alternative’s incoherent internal screaming]

#behind the scenes #meta #if you're going to be evil might as well do it right meta #now the time is here for iron man to spread fear #if you're going to be evil might as well do it right #The War is Far From Over Now #Natasha Romanov #Headcanon #kinda #canon went screwy years back here's my attempt to fix it

[scriptmedic]

hi scripty! so my main character was kidnapped + before she escaped, she was choked, punched in the face, pushed down a flight of stairs + shot in the stomach. right now i have her in ICU bc of hypovolemic shock but to make things really interesting + emotional, i need her to be unconscious/otherwise unresponsive for like 1.5 days. i liked the idea of sedation w propofol, espec bc at one point her bp/heart rate drop suddenly and they fear she wont make it + i believe i read somewhere (1)

(2) propofol can do that? i probably sound really dumb but i just want to make this is as realistic as possible so i wanted to ask you. she didn’t hit her head when she fell so no concussion. i know this is fiction but i just want to know if this is reasonable/logical/possible, i guess. also i know she won’t be wide awake and coherent when she wakes up but would she be completely out of it/loopy or just groggy? thanks and sorry if this doesn’t make any sense would she be able to breathe on her own for the most part or would she have to be placed on a ventilator? thanks and sorry again!! 😭

Hey there nonny! ER & ICU medicine is one of my wheelhouses, so let’s take a look at all of this! 

So first things first: you seem to have bypassed a super important part of this character’s medical journey. 

This gunshot. In the belly. This is an Un-Goodness. Hypovolemic shock is going to be from internal bleeding, which means something in there got hit. The liver and the spleen both bleed like hell from puncture wounds. 

She’s going to need surgery.

So here’s the thing: your character is going to have abdominal surgery once she gets to the ER. She’ll be evaluated, she’ll probably have a blood transfusion begun in the ER, and she’ll be sent into surgery to control the bleeding, repair the damage, and generally find out what happened. (Even with great imaging it can be impossible to tell what exactly was damaged internally; generally speaking, penetrating  abdominal trauma requires surgery to check on things.) 

After surgery she’ll be admitted to the ICU, where they’ll monitor her heart rate, blood pressure, blood oxygen levels, and more. 

Now, she should be pretty zonked, from the head injury, from the surgery, from the pain meds. So her not really being awake for the first day and a half or so after all of this is mostly believable, especially if she’s got a good nurse defending her from others who want to wake her up. 

Whether or not she’d be sedated is a whole other story, and honestly...

I don’t think she’d be sedated during her hospital stay, much less put on propofol (outside the OR, anyway). 

She’s got no head injury and no reason to go on a ventilator. She’ll be in pain from her wound, for sure, and from the surgery. But this will be managed by IV pain medication, such as IV morphine, hydromorphone/Dilaudid, or fentanyl (most likely in a trauma patient). This can make her super groggy without “sedating” her. 

(There is a special place in hell for ICUs that consider pain meds like fentanyl to be sedatives and to use them as such, but that’s another rant entirely.) 

During the surgery she would be anesthetized, and it might be with propofol (though for bleeding and serious trauma, I would think something that uses less propofol, such as propofol/ketamine AKA ketafol), or no propofol at all, such as a combination of fentanyl and midazolam and/or ketamine, would be more likely. 

But the point is, outside the OR, she likely won’t be sedated, unless she needs to stay on the ventilator. 

You want her blood pressure to drop and for her to nearly die again? 

Very simple: have an internal stitch rip when she shifts. She starts bleeding again internally and gets taken back into the OR for more surgery to repair the bleeding. (This also gives you lovely hours of your supporting characters waiting to find out whether she lives or dies.) This adds the drama of MOAR SURGERY, a longer period of uncertainty, and physical separation of the other characters. 

Now: As To Your Propofol Question

Let’s throw reality out the window, or change the situation to one where she needs a ventilator. Why? Because we can. (We could even make her need a ventilator in your scenario, with a complication from multiple transfusions known as Transfusion Related Acute Lung Injury, or TRALI, which is essentially the lungs reacting badly to Way Too Much Foreign Blood and causing a lot of edema, i.e. fluid, i.e. drowning. This results in a longer ICU stay, though.)

So let’s assume she’s on the vent, and to keep her on the vent, she’s been sedated. 

Yes, propofol causes hypotension. It is legendary for causing hypotension. But intensivists and anesthetists are well aware that it has that property, and there are a few workarounds they would tend to use to counterbalance that tendency.

1) Use a different sedative. Propofol and Versed/midazolam are both great sedatives, but if pressure is a concern, they may opt for another kind of sedation. They might use something like Precedex/dexmedetomidine, which doesn’t depress blood pressure. (In some cases, they might be put on a drip of – you knew this was coming! – ketamine. I’ve seen a switch from propofol to ketamine bump a patient’s blood pressure by 30 points.) 

1a: Switch her off of propofol when her pressure drops. Either let her wake up a bit or put her on a different medication. 

2) Compensate with pressors. Pressors are medications that raise blood pressure, such as Levophed / norepinehprine, which squeezes the blood vessels. 

Critically ill patients are often in a delicate balance between propofol and Levophed. They need the propofol to stay down and they need the Levophed to keep their pressure up. Again, this is a very common practice in the ICU. 

3) Add More Fluids. Fluids, such as normal saline or Ringer’s Lactate, will help… a bit. Temporarily. It’s a short-term fix, for a lot of reasons. But mostly because they don’t stay in the bloodstream for a long time (1/3 of the volume is lost into the interstitium in the first 3 hours), and they can cause electrolyte imbalances. 

4) Add More Blood Products. There are two products in particular I’m thinking of. Red blood cells (PRBCs) improve oxygen carrying capacity of the blood – making the character less “shocky” – and also improve blood pressure. And albumin helps raise pressures by essentially making the blood a bit thicker and thus pulling in fluid from the surrounding tissues, because the physics of fluids are kind of neat. 

But really, the number one reason for your character to have their blood pressure drop is to have their bleeding start again, and have them go back into the operating room. 

One Other Reason Her Blood Pressure Could Fall 

Sepsis. Sepsis is one of the Big Fears in abdominal trauma because the GI tract is full of bacteria, and bacteremia (bacteria in the blood) can trigger sepsis. Check out [the sepsis tag] for more! 

Phew! I hope this has helped! 

This is kind of a long and rambly post, so let me know if anything needs clarified. 

Thanks for your ask and I hope this helped! 

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

[disclaimer] 

[Maim Your Characters: How Injuries Work in Fiction is out and can be yours! If you like books on writing and books about medicine (without all the jargon), check it out!] 

#trauma #homicide #shot in the belly #gunshot wounds #abdominal trauma #asks

[kyetalksshit]

Update for the first time in SO LONG

Hey guys! 

So it’s the 4th of july and I’m tipsy. Happy shitty ass holiday to all of u who care about it. I don’t. Fireworks are boring and sound like gunshots and loud ass cis white republican christian people get louder than usual about how “great” this country “used to be,” and get to celebrate the day this country was founded on native american genocide and rape and began an era of slavery and racism and a bunch of other motherfucking goddamn bullshit. 

Anyway. 

I told a storytime on my youtube channel about my ex who I called Gregg (bc he looks like Gregg Sulkin, or at least I thought he did back then. It’s actually a two parter so far. I have yet to get to the part where he dumped me over text and then tried to be friends with benefits with me, I refused, I tried, he refused, we fought a lot, repeat cycle. Wow that was a fucking shitstorm. Finally unfriended him a couple of months ago because of a shitty ass facebook post and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. Plus, he has a girlfriend now, and at this point any desire to communicate with him was based on a pure physical attraction and/or wanting to have some sort of intellectual conversation with him because, as much as I honestly still kind of resent him, I do admire his brain. Anyway.) 

So when I told the storytime, I spent a good hour going through my tumblr for posts about him (and his, for posts about me, which I remember desperately hoping for back when I was still with him or right after we broke up) and it kind of made me miss blogging. 

This has been the longest intro in the fucking world. Oh my god. Ugh. 

Anyway. 

I just kind of wanted to get on here and talk a little bit. 

I don’t remember what my original pushing thought was, since again, I’m tipsy, and I got so sidetracked talking about “gregg” (though let’s be real, if any of you watch that storytime and have followed me for long enough, you know exactly who I’m talking about. He doesn’t even follow me on tumblr anymore. He unfollowed me a long time ago, actually. And now that I’m talking so much about him I’m kind of tempted to text him, which would obviously be a fucking bad idea, but you know. I’m a masochist. We’ll see what I do later I guess. I don’t know.) 

I’m kind of miffed today. And by that, I mean I’m actually hurt but too prideful to say I’m hurt. My family is very clearly celebrating for this shit holiday, which they don’t know that I don’t care about, by the way, and no one even invited me. Yeah I was working most of the day but I got off at 8, and anyway I hadn’t told them I was working. My mother probably just “assumed I had to work and couldn’t make it” again. Even though she promised to make more of an effort to invite me to things. My heart hurts. 

Yeah I don’t care about fireworks, but I love my family and I miss my niece and my sister isn’t talking to me because apparently I’ve changed and she misses “Amber,” not “Kye.” (Oh yeah, I go by Kye now. Just, btw.) 

What she doesn’t seem to realize no matter how many times I tell her, is that Amber, that girl she grew up with that she apparently misses so goddamn much, she doesn’t exist anymore. She was a fucked up piece of shit too, if I’m being honest. I call my past self Amber instead of “past Kye” because I don’t know her anymore. You know why? 

Because I’ve been through so much motherfucking goddamn bullshit since then. I was raped. I left my family for a goddamn year over some slightly shitty but WAY overexaggerated bullshit (that, let’s be real, I’ll never fully forgive myself for) that was twisted into a horror story by the evil ex whose name I can’t even fucking SAY because it makes me feel fucking nauseous. I almost killed myself a couple of times. I cut over and over and motherfucking over again because I was so goddamn depressed, I got kicked out of TWO apartments (once because my roommate was just a bitch and wanted any made up excuse she could find, the other because my alcoholic roommate who sexually assaulted me MY FIRST NIGHT THERE and who is STILL my dm for one of my dnd games and tries to pretend he fucking cares about me, hallucinated our neighbors trying to kill us and made me take him to the hospital and file a police report when it was just his goddamn mind). I’ve been so broke for the past couple years I was a camgirl for awhile. I did live camshows for money. I also sold photos and videos of me naked, sometimes taking requests. It made me fucking miserable and gave me flashbacks but I was jobless and had to pay rent. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been considering starting again because I’m broke as fuck and I want to cry from how stressed I am most of the time, but I haven’t yet. You know why? 

Again, I was raped. And sexually assaulted, not just by that roommate, but also by two family members (like when I was a kid) who will remain unnamed (who never even said I’m sorry, by the way, even when I brought it up. I still hang out with one. How fucking sick do I have to be to still hang out with a family member who sexually assaulted me and apologized to my sister for touching her, but not me?). But also because I’ve been in this deep disgusting ass pit of self fucking loathing recently. I feel fat and ugly and nasty more often than not, every time I get a crush or a lust-crush on someone I start to feel guilty about it because how dare I burden someone with the weight of having to deal with my affection? I feel lonely and also selfish for feeling lonely, I miss my family but I also avoid them. And then I get upset when they don’t invite me to things. 

This is the last holiday I’m ever going to spend living in North Carolina. Connor and I are leaving for Los Angeles on August fucking 5th. I’ll be around for my brother’s and my cat’s birthday (incidentally they’re both on August 2nd), but then I’m gone. I won’t be able to make it to Christmas this year because let’s face it, I won’t have the money. The soonest they’re going to see me after I leave is MAYBE Christmas 2018, and I’m not even sure that’s going to happen. Hell, I’m not even christian anymore, celebrating it feels weird. 

Also, going back to this whole name shit and “I’ve changed” bullshit, Amber was an asshole. She made racist comments and used to say the “n” word back in high school. She literally laughed in boys’ faces when they asked her out if she wasn’t attracted to them, not even just because they were “out of her league” because she (rightfully) didn’t believe in “leagues,” but just because if she was going to say no, she was going to be a bitch about it. I remember one of my best friends’ little brothers asking me out in 9th grade, and he was in like 7th. He was OBVIOUSLY too young for me but I should have been fucking nice about it. Instead, I laughed at him, literally fucking laughed at him, and just said “omg bye.” 

She also didn’t know how to stand up for herself. She was mousy and depressed and anxious and small and hated herself and so who gave a fuck if people used her because what good was she herself anyway? Like yeah, Kye is fatter and her mental health has gone down the fucking drain (no really, my counselor thinks I’m borderline and I really need to be medicated honestly because it’s so hard to function I’m scared I’m going to fail at trying to be alive) but at least she can mostly say no, and she can cut people out her life when she wants to. At least Kye can pinpoint when people are trying to manipulate her (though if we’re being honest here, and holy fuck we really are, since the fucking evil ex aka my rapist, my mind is warped as fucking hell and I don’t know what’s real anymore. The amount of manipulation I have imagined and overreacted to is insane. My uncle wallace won’t talk to me because I overreacted when he had a shitty opinion and posted it on a status of mine, and I took it as him attacking me. I want to cry every time I think about it but I already sent him one long message explaining why, and then the next day I sent a really long apology message. I don’t know why I keep fucking things up with everyone I care about. It feels like Connor and my cat are the only ones I have anymore, and even Connor can drive me crazy sometimes because obviously, that’s how people are who live together and have known each other for 8 fucking years, and I’m so hard to live with and deal with because of the bpd and the fact that my anxiety shows itself in irritability and the amount of times I’ve snapped at them for fucking nothing is absolutely ridiculous. I’m mad that they still haven’t learned how to drive and we’re moving in a month and it’s looking like I’m going to have to drive by myself from one coast to another while they blissfully chill in the passenger seat and doze off or play on their phone or whatever, but in reality they’re probably really anxious about it too and they probably feel bad but can’t make theirself do it and it’s just I feel so shitty all the time oh my god). 

I don’t even know what the point of this post is, I just think I needed to vent somewhere that I don’t have to be careful what I say because no one reads this shit anyway. The second I vent where ANYONE in my family can see it, they’ll all jump down my throat for being “disrespectful to my parents” or some other bullshit. They fucking love bandwagons. One of their favorite phrases is “my army is bigger” and honestly that shit scares me because yeah, it is. And that goddamn army is too fucking prideful (like me) to accept when they maybe should hear someone out, and they will literally cyberbully you if they can. It may sound whiny, but I really do feel like I was cyberbullied that day with uncle wallace. I’m not even kidding (and again, no one reads this so I don’t feel bad saying this because it’s tru) I legitimately wanted to kill myself that day. Everyone was jumping down my throat AGAIN over something I said that hurt my mom when I didn’t even know it hurt her. If I had, I would have taken it down and apologized. They were also attacking me for an immature snapchat saying “fuck you and your shitty ass opinions” which was about my uncle, and yeah I deserved a little of that bullshit but I admitted that was wrong very shortly after. He wouldn’t even hear me out, but I was the bad guy, the disrespectful, ignorant black sheep who treated everyone like shit. I keep trying to pretend I’m over the whole thing but I’m so not. I won’t forget who said shit to me and who didn’t. Because that shit fucking hurt. 

I don’t want to tell Connor how mad I am over something they may not be able to control, I don’t want to fucking rub my sister’s face in how ‘not’ Amber I am (also, just, sidenote, the main reason I changed my is really because I hated Amber and wanted some control over my life and it really has made me happier, but also honestly it was partly because my fucking rapist has never called me “Kye” and so when I’m having fucking rape flashbacks I can separate myself from it so when she insists that Kye is horrible and she hates me now (she didn’t say that but she said I wouldn’t be in her life if I weren’t family and let’s face it, I’m not in her life rn anyway and I may as well not be family with how I’ve been treated recently, not that it’s not partly my fault, but still) and that she misses Amber, who she grew up with, who is the one she misses, not me, not who I am now. Honestly, when we were fighting it felt like she only said that because she needed a concrete reason to be mad at me so she grasped onto the fact that I’ve changed, which my whole family complains about, but

Look at all the motherfucking goddamn fucked up shit I’ve been through in the past few years. OF FUCKING COURSE I’VE CHANGED. It hurts like hell that my ENTIRE family is mad that I’m not the same girl who left them for an abusive fiance. Like yes, I’m kind of a bitch now when I need to be, and yes I overreact to things BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA U DON’T JUST FUCKING GET OVER THAT, and yes I changed my name and I’m not the motherfucking goddamn same but how dare you want me to be? 

I WANTED TO DIE. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I HAVE NEVER HATED MYSELF AS MUCH AS I DID THEN. I HAD TWO EATING DISORDERS, AN ADDICTION TO CUTTING (for which I’m now getting urges so I’m going to end this soon), I HATED EVERYONE I KNEW, I WAS FUCKING SO DEPRESSED I COULDN’T EVEN, UGH, I WAS ONLY SLEEPING ONCE EVERY TWO NIGHTS SO I WAS HALLUCINATING, I PUSHED AWAY EVERYONE WHO EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME, I SNAPPED AT EVERYONE WHO WAS NEAR ME WHEN I WAS ANXIOUS AND I DIDN’T KNOW MY TRIGGERS. NOW I CAN AT LEAST SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SO I DON’T HURT PEOPLE AS MUCH. I DON’T TALK ABOUT THE VIEWS I HAVE THAT CONFLICT WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S SO I DON’T HAVE TO ARGUE WITH ANYONE. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SMALL, THEN MADE MYSELF BIG, AND REVERT TO SMALL WHEN I’M AROUND THEM, BUT IT’S STILL NOT FUCKING ENOUGH FOR THEM. 

WHEN, please fucking tell me WHEN, when will I be enough for them? 

#angst #family #drama #blogging #update #happy fourth #fourth of july #independence day #trauma #survivor #venting

[themanyfacesofkat]

This is just a personal vent, none of the people mentioned or alluded to are at fault, I just need to complain to someone and I feel like I’ve complained too much to my friends as it is, and it’s even worse when I’m this stressed out. It makes me feel better when I know someone might read it though so that’s why I’m posting this

This weekend has been SHIT for me, okay? I have not been having fun.

It started off when I forgot my laptop charger at my mom’s house, every weekend we go somewhere else until Sunday, so I was without my charger till today.

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful, besides passing the fuck out and waking up at like, 4 AM.

Saturday was mostly uneventful again, until I was eating dinner and suddenly felt very sick, I’m pretty sure I drank bad milk. Passed out at like, eight. Not to mention I think I’ve been ghosted by like, three different roleplay partners again one of which was supposed to come back from hiatus and respond but I feel bad for thinking that bc idk what’s going on w/ any of them and I have paranoia and need to fucking chill.

Today I woke up, we had to shovel, while I was pulling my pants on most of my pinky toe’s nail snapped off so now it’s just the smallest bit left.

I was like “okay fine, ill deal w/ the very top” which meant I dealt with all the heavy wet snow. Then I voulenteered to clear off my step mom’s car bc I felt responsible and bad for shoveling so early bc we leave before 2 since that’s when my DnD game starts and I don’t want to keep them there till 5 PM.

Then the game was cancelled while we were shoveling and I didn’t see it until I was back inside and ready to go :) I don’t blame him for cancelling, but I’m still a little upset about it.

By this point I’m fucking exhausted, I’m tired, I don’t feel very well, I just want to rest.

We get dropped off at the top of our fucking hill of a driveway, and I give myself a fucking heart attack while trying not to fucking slip on the snow bc I have a computer in my backpack while my idiot brother is telling me to slide down then he has the fucking GALL to tell me to break the fall with my butt, BITCH I AM ALL OF NINETY POUNDS EXACTLY, I CAN’T BREAK ANYTHING’S FALL WITH THAT

Up until this point, I’ve been bottling everything up, which isn’t healthy but at this point I can’t fucking help it. I don’t realize something hurts until I’ve reached my breaking point, I’ve been courtieous and understanding, I can take dissapointment and illness, I only appeared mildly aggressive to my brother which is perfectly normal because he’s annoying as fuck.

Then we get home, immediately we’re told we have to shovel again, and I just have a fucking breakdown. I just want to fucking relax, I’m very high strung by this point, and now my mom is angry at me for making a case that I shouldn’t have to shovel more.

#rant #personal stuff #nothing important #I just need to vent #venting #vent #I can only deal with so much in a short span of time #it wasn't too bad this time #longish post

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hello blog,

it’s been a while. I really hope and pray that no one reads this anymore or at least doesn’t read this post. So if you are reading this, please skip over it. I don’t care if it’s in the future and this is an old post. Skip it. Please.

Just me? Okay cool.

So....i’ve got a lot on my mind and they arent necessarily all good. i think ive been struggling with indentity issues lately and figuring out who i am and who i want to be. i really like michaela and i just got back from playing D&D with her and her friend and i honestly had a good time! but on my way there, i was questioning myself. i thought about how much alcohol we would drink and how much i would just shrug it off and say that it’s fine. when it really wasnt. i was uncomfortable and past me would have never put myself in that position. So why do I keep doing that to myself? Purposely finding places where I could drink and wanting to in an effort to fit in. Why do I care so much? I know that I shouldn’t but I do. And I don’t think it’s a matter of feeling alone. It’s just a matter of wanting more friends and not wanting to be gossiped about or ostracized. 

I also think I’ve been feeling a bit more insecure lately too. I have been more prone to gossip and I realized that I when I previously vented about people, just because I didn’t say their name, it didnt mean that i wasnt gossiping. Because I was. Even if I kept that anonymous, I was still talking smack about them. And then I started questioning the line of gossip. Is venting gossip? Is talking smack in an effort to feel better about yourself gossip? It’s not always so clean and simple where you are intentionally talking badly about someone for the sake of talking badly. I want to spend more time with myself, by myself and figure myself out without influence from outside forces. And I do feel bad because Loren has been messaging me kinda often when I can’t exactly talk on the phone. And I do want to be there for her and although she has been a bit of a burden, I haven’t been a great listener either.  I often just check out of the conversation and vent about her issues to my friends and that seems pretty messed up. I don’t want to do that. I want to genuinely be there for her. I want to be the kind of friend that just drops everything in an effort to care for their loved ones. but... idk man. i also dont know if when ive been thinking, ive just been forcing myself to be this mold or someone that i want to be but not necessarily who i am. i keep saying that im super aggressive and sometimes i am. but not nearly as often as i claim to be. i think thats just who i want to become. and yes, i have been trying to keep myself a little more in check with my bluntness. but honestly, i am scared and intimated by what other people will say when i do want to confront them. i think it’s important to be considerate first. and i was just thinking about the summer and how in my own skin i felt and how God gave me the gift of compassion and how so in love I felt. I was so on fired and fueled by prayer and the words just poured out of my mouth. i didnt even have to think about it there. there was great power present and it was honestly amazing. but when we were at pastor william’s and i was asked what i like most about myself, i said, “compassion.” but it felt so weird. and wrong. because it was no longer true. i think over the summer, that was by far my best quality. i was filled with so much love and care for others and i was blunt bc i just wanted the best for them. but ive grown so unbelievably selfish lately and have “treated myself” way too often. i do still love others. a lot. but it’s not just about me. i want to care and serve for others too. those are my defining features. and maybe one day i will receive the gift of tongues. but for now, i just want to reestablish myself with Christ and move forward from here. I want to be me and work toward a better version of myself. I want to take good care of myself and while gaining control might have been a good excuse in the beginning, im nearly halfway through with the semester now and there are still so many variables that i cant control. so much has been happening and i just want to continue to do my best and maintain my cool. 

im starting to get tired since it’s 2:26am but I really want to finish this blog entry.

So, Andrew. Hi Andrew.

I don’t like Lauren. You’re with her at Disneyland right now and I have no idea how it’s going but I’m assuming and fearing that it’s going really well. Because I really don’t like her. And maybe it’s bc we got off on the wrong foot or because I never gave her a chance. But more than that, she just reminds me of high school and how miserable I was. A part of me is afraid that she’s just using you as a sick joke and laughing about you behind your back with her friends. And I know that you’re worth so much more than that and I don’t know why I’m so worried about you but I am. Maybe it’s because I feel like I’m losing you as a friend. Not just to her but in general. Maybe it’s because I know Lauren is close to Anela and Anela hardcore fucked me over. Maybe it’s because she was on ASB and knew Heidi. And Heidi drove me to cut myself. Maybe it’s just the thought of idea of her, getting close to you, and you guys becoming something more...and the two of us just drift apart again.

I mean, we already are. I finally confronted him recently and said that he’s been a lot more apathetic and selfish lately and he wasnt too offended but i dont think he fully registered it either. and i still havent told him about how he keeps objectifying women by just their appearance or as sexual objects and at first, i kinda just brushed it off and said, “oh...well, he’s a guy! whatever” but i knew in my heart that that is just a cop-out. i know so many guys that are much more respectful and not nearly as misogynistic. But I still want to be his friend and idk if im just overreacting because when i was watching jane the virgin earlier, i realized that i just casually say, “man, hes really cute.” and hes just going that to girls so is that really so weird? and im just not used to hearing the other side of it? maybe?????????? or it’s similar but hes taking it into the sexual approach? but he does still seem willing to give people a chance and move past appearance? But, he’s also been saying hes a lot of things that hes not in an effort to make himself look better. it’s a defense mechanism and i realize that i do that too. whenever something is remotely negative toward me, i immediately try and think of all the reasons why im actually good and not that bad thing. but i want to stop and try to just accept them as true and fact and work on them from there instead of dying them in the first place.

and finally, my sexuality. ive been drawn a lot more over the years to watching big boobs and scantily clad women. and im wondering if it’s bc im lowkey gay but im too afraid to admit it because of my religion? Why would God make me like this anyway? But all the people ive crushed on have also been guys so maybe im just straight? maybe? ???

or bisexual? maybe? i honestly dont know. or maybe it’s just because women are so overly exposed and their bodies are so heavily sexualized in media and im just used to that media too. bc i def feel turned on whenever i watch an anime clip or a real life version of sexy scenes. but it could also just be a result of repression and my sexual desire for the flesh and wanting to feel that intensity and that passion. but i know i shouldnt til marriage! but i would definitely be lying if i said that ive never been tempted. i have definitely thought of masturbation as an option too. eee, who knows. but i also like to dress scandalously sometimes too bc it makes me feel good. yes, sometimes it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. but other times, esp in my high waisted shorts and crop top, i feel BOMB DOT COM!!! And I might even be a little bit turned on by myself. i was hanging out with joyce and sharlene the other day and joyce mentioned how shes only a C cup and i thought about how i’m a D. And yet, Joyce is a lot bigger than I am. And then I felt kind of self conscious. But I do want to be more body positive and grow to love and appreciate my rather large boobs as they are. I know growing up, I felt pretty ashamed of them but I want to just be able to openly flaunt them instead and work in and wear crop tops and low necklines bc i feel good and im killin the game. really. thats part of the reason why i want to dress up as silk from the amazing spiderman. shes pretty well covered but i know that the body suit would accentuate my curves and mostly my boobs and i do want them to pop and feel hottttt. and i did a lot of research into creeps at the con and obviously i want to avoid them but a part of me actually wants to get hit on by a creep, just for my self esteem. yknow? like, wow, im so hot that i am worthy of getting hit on or cat called. and it sucks and it’s a bi degrading but i do think i would feel pretty good about myself, as sad as that sounds. 

im just... im feeling really conflicted right now. i do want to do more exploring but thats not how i was raised but i dont want to live such an oppressed lifestyle but i also just want to be with God. and i want to be around people that i feel open about sharing my sexual fantasies with, even if i want to remain a virgin until marriage. not really but i know that it’s the right thing to do.

hm.

welp, yeah. i played dungeons and dragons with michaela spontaneously. we planned to do it at 11pm that night after work and we follow through and even though we were short a few people and jordan couldnt do my hair, we still had a pretty gr9 time. so yay.

i just. yeah. sigh.i got a lot to do and think about. 

on the bright side, ive made sooooo much progress with my homework! but now i just really got to work on graphic design. ive been realizing that ive been putting that off more and more bc i want to avoid it whilst focusing more on physics and ITM, the two subjects that i previously used to avoid. neither are great but i guess it’s better that im focusing on those two notes bc i am hardcore struggling. but i also dont want to neglect a major class. so...we’ll see, i guess, haha. tess wasnt at work today and i didnt talk smack about her at all. instead, i met hailey and made a new friend c:

im going to see rocky horror tomorrow night and im happy to be going out with my friends and keeping marlena company but i do also feel bad bc church and im risking not waking up. and now that’s just on me. and it’s no longer such a small deal if i decide not to go. bc that affects dana as well and i do really want her to get to know Christ and really rekindle this relationship that she has with Him. I want Lakeview to become a place where people can feel a lot more personable and open with each other. And I don’t want to compare myself to others and wonder why someone did something for someone else but not me because it’s really not about me. it’s about us, in that moment, at that time, and what they are going through. not about me. not at all.

i think that’s all for now. i hope i can get a lot done tomorrow for graphic design and management! C: and i hope i can be more open with andrew too bc we definitely are growing apart and it breaks my heart and i feel this underlying sense of loyalty, just bc we were both there for each other when we needed someone to be there for us. and i am afraid that lauren is going to take up his time and he’ll neglect his time with me and i wont be as much of a priority to him. and that does kinda break my heart and i do miss him. i miss so many of my californian friends. i really do. and i cant wait to see them again over winter break.

#reflection