dontcallmecarrie

[dontcallmecarrie]

ye olde Stress(TM) Reaction strikes again, aka the start of this was sitting in my drafts for weeks because my brain hates me apparently:

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“So...considering how last time went, why are we being dragged into this?” Steve Rogers heard Clint ask, and he tried not to freeze or blush, and, if Natasha was anything to go by, failed miserably at both.

“I mean,” Clint continued and it took far more willpower than it should have to not glare at the teammate who regularly ate whipped cream out of the can because he should not be sounding so amused, “after what happened, why are the Avengers being invited, again?”

Alright, that did it— but before Steve could do more than turn to give his teammate the same glare he normally reserved for when Loki destroyed the top part of his uniform again, Agent Coulson gave a very tired sigh and spoke.

“Partly because multiple ambassadors liked your response time when the pink elephants made an appearance on the premises, partly because von Doom specifically requested you all. By name.”

 Across the table, Tony gave an incredulous scoff as he leaned back and crossed his arms. “And what, you’re letting a literal dictator call the shots?”

“Grumpy because he mentioned you too, aren’t you.” Clint smirked before Agent Coulson could say anything else, and Steve really, really tried not to scowl. Honest.

However, he couldn’t help but notice the way Tony’s expression went suspiciously blank, and something in the pit of his stomach clenched as Tony shifted in his seat a little.

“Okay, so maybe we weren’t finished before Loki interrupted. I didn’t hear any of you guys complaining.”

“That was you ‘gathering intel’?” Natasha asked, and Steve pointedly ignored her sidelong glance, “I thought you were looking pretty friendly there. Way more emotion than we’ve ever seen from von Doom before, anyway.”

Steve couldn’t help but snort. Understatement of the century, Steve hadn’t missed the venom in von Doom’s glare. If not for Loki barging in when he did, there would have been an international incident, and Steve wouldn’t have regretted it one bit.

“As... controversial as he is,” Agent Coulson rubbed his temples for a moment, “Latveria’s a very hot commodity right now, and State Department’s pushing for trade agreements. We can’t afford to alienate him.”

Everyone looked at him, and he fought to keep his shoulders from rising up. “If he’s got a problem with one of my team, don’t expect me to play nice.”

“My hero,” Tony rolled his eyes and so missed the way Clint’s shoulders shuddered, “Steve, I had it under control.”

“Nay, lord Stark.” Thor cut in, and Steve did not miss the way Agent Coulson’s eye twitched even as Clint got a very sudden and convenient coughing fit as the resident alien continued, “I am afraid you did not. I may not be familiar with Midgardian politics, but I do not believe duels are as acceptable here as they are back home.”

Everyone paused at that, and the silence was abrupt enough to startle Doctor Banner out of his reverie.

“Wait, what happened?” He asked, looking up from his tablet, and Steve couldn’t help but envy the fact that he was exempt from this. Sure, the risk of having the Hulk at a UN function would have been nothing less than a recipe for disaster, but at least Steve wouldn’t be suffering though this alone— case in point, this entire debrief.

“Oh, just how Tony almost caused an international incident last time.” Natasha said and Bruce made a strange face for a second before he peered over his glasses to look at everyone else around the table.

“Well, is Justin going to be at this next one?”

All eyes were now on Tony, who scowled and looked away even as he replied, “It’s one of the annual year-end fundraisers, of course he’s going to be there.”

Agent Coulson let out a slow breath. “You are certain you cannot convince him otherwise?”

Tony’s shoulders hunched almost imperceptibly. “It’s tradition at this point. Everyone knows I’m going to be there, so he’s going— and I’ll save us both the time, the man’s about as stubborn as I am.”

“You’re sure about that?” Clint asked, gaze suddenly sharp and the look he shared with Agent Coulson and Natasha abruptly reminded Steve of the exact circumstances in which Iron Man was born.

“The number things I’ve seen him accomplish out of sheer spite is...” Tony trailed off, before he shook his head and looked around the table. “It’s something. Pretty sure the only reason Hammer Industries didn’t come out with another element after I did is because it’d be breaking the laws of physics, and even then part of me was half-expecting otherwise.”

#No Hero [Downward Descending] #No Hero [And Not Made Of Stone] #3 am musings #My writing

[dontcallmecarrie]

me: realizes that the program I just got accepted to + work = Even Less Time And Energy To Write In The Very Near Future

me: uh-oh, should probably at least digitize my notes on some of my WIPs or something

me: sees the latest bs going down feat. Idiots Monetizing Fanfic In A Country Whose Justice System Is Very Pro-Corporations

me:

me: ...despite not having touched alcohol for more than a handful of times in my life, I suddenly understand the need for a strong drink

#behind the scenes #thinking aloud

[dontcallmecarrie]

Fellas, fellas

Why on earth are you BUYING PHYSICAL BOOKBOUND COPIES OF FANFICTION????

ACTUALLY WHY ARE YOU EVEN BOOKBINDING FANFICTION TO SELL?!?!?!

IF ANY OF YOU DO EITHER OF THESE THINGS, GET OUT!! I AM NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN.

In all seriousness though, authors on AO3 have begun to pull their works off of the site to avoid getting sued by people stealing their works to make a pretty bound book for profit. Entire accounts could be shut down as well.

Listen, I’m all for saving favorite works by printing them out and putting them in a binder, or learning how to make a fancy book for a fanfic, but making books with actual fanfiction in it to sell is where I draw the line.

Literally the entire point of AO3 is that you can read it FOR FREE.

It is DISRESPECTFUL for people to make money off of hardbound copies because guess what, the original creators of these fics get nothing. We are literally only writing fanfiction for our own pleasure.

Buying and selling book-bound fanfiction is also ILLEGAL YOU DUMB SHITS. It’s an immediate violation of copyright law. The original fan work will get erased from the internet.

Fanfiction is already a legal grey zone since they are works being written about are protected by copyright. Copyright holders can in fact go after writers as well as the person who sold the fanfiction.

This also goes for people who steal fanart and, claim it as theirs, and put a price on it.

Don’t make it worse.

Bookbinding fanfiction for profit is literally ruining things for everyone. DON’T.

#are you kidding me #fanfiction is free because it's the only way it can exist #does nobody remember Anne Rice and the fandom days of yore? #i keep my fics accessible to the public but stuff like this makes me second-guess myself #tfw your underground niche hobby meets Capitalism(TM). Next step's called Everyone Involved Gets Sued #don't do it. just don't.

[dontcallmecarrie]

me, after multiple unexpected shifts: yay, a day off!

my immune system, apparently: yay, a day off! :D

me: are you kidding me

#behind the scenes #thinking aloud

[dontcallmecarrie]

Pro about only having to drive through three zip codes to get to work: shorter commute

Con: said commute is useless when I'm metaphorically hitting my head against the brick wall that is writer's block, beyond side-eying that pickup with what appeared to be part of a chainsaw sticking out from the bed of the truck and thinking 'hey, that's exactly the kind of thing this character would do!'

#3 am musings #thinking aloud #behind the scenes

[dontcallmecarrie]

Warnings: NHDD!Justin's dysfunctional family, financial abuse. Set in the late 80s/very early 1990s. Not a happy installment this time- most of NHDD is what happens when things are going well, this is a moment when that is not the case. .

Deep breath, and let it out. Justin Hammer's greatest strength was their self-control, they couldn't afford to lose it— no matter how much they wanted to.

Even if Justin really, really wanted to. Like right now, when his latest bank statement proudly declared he officially had all of one dollar to his name. Ugh, figured that the one time their parents were paying attention to them, it was for shit like this.

What was it, that last not-fight with the old man, or the fact that they’d been late to Thanksgiving due to midterms? Oh, who was he even kidding, it was the latter— mother dearest just hated anytime their ‘happy family’ facade showed the slightest crack.

So emptying out Justin's bank account? Part retaliation for dragging his feet when scheduling his trip home last time, and part warning to not do the same for winter break. Even if finals were right before Christmas this year, because of course they were.

Justin tamped down on that frustration and helplessness and rage, and focused on what they needed to do next.

Okay.

They were officially broke for the foreseeable future, but they could work with what they had.

Utilities were covered in the year-long rental contract they’d prepaid at the start of the term, it was the phone cutting off and his main card being declined while grocery shopping that had tipped Justin off to what was going on. They were screwed on the latter, but if this hissy fit went as expected, then they'd give it a few days for their parents to "let it sink in", and a handful more before their spite was outweighed by their need for convenience and they reinstated his phone because neither of his parents could stand each other for more than five minutes these days.

If things continued like previous fights, and knowing his parents the way he did, then the next step would be to play along and once the situation had blown over, they’d put half of the money back, keeping the rest as punishment. As if Justin was the one acting like an unruly child, and not their parents who threw honest to goodness temper tantrums the moment things didn’t go their way, or discovered that their children had their own independent thoughts and feelings.

At the moment, Steph was really stomping on their parents’ latest nerves with her hopes for art school and Justin’s Econ major could only do so much damage control, especially with their father.

They’d seen the writing on the wall, they knew what was coming: but the breaking point wasn’t quite yet, and they’d be able to do so much more to at least get Steph out of this mess if they just gritted their teeth during moments like these, and stuck with the plan. It was at a delicate stage at the moment, and they couldn’t afford to touch any of those funds for another three years at least if they wanted any of it was to work.

Even if that meant enduring moments like these, carefully going through their apartment and dipping into their emergency stash to last the end of the quarter.

Really, Justin was lucky they even had that much— even if something deep inside them nearly cried, because they shouldn’t have had to do this ever again.

Justin Hammer couldn’t remember it, but they knew, as sure as the sun rose in the east and taxes were due on April 15, that surviving in winter on a shoestring budget was a miserable experience. Especially when they had a next to empty pantry, and the only saving grace to this mess is that the end date was roughly three weeks away, and at least didn’t have to worry about electricity or running water this time— and wow, that bar wasn’t on the goddamn ground.

Okay, so, that was where they were at the moment. Not great, but they could work with this.

Their emergency cash would get them several pounds of rice and beans for the apartment, and on campus there would soon be dozens of RSOs holding celebrations for either the holidays, end of term, or both. Justin liked to think they were fairly well-liked, it shouldn’t be too hard to secure an invite or five to something with free food. As a bonus, they’d be able to network and set out feelers for people interested in tutoring; Justin might not be a genius, but they were studious and if even one person was up for it, they’d be able to supplement their emergency cash for future situations.

Okay, that’d work, and with the bonus of not needing to go to the pawn shop. Off the top of their head, Justin had a few first editions and a few other things lying around that would probably get them through a few months, but they'd rather avoid that route if possible.

Okay. They could do this.

#no hero [downward descending] #3 am musings #because writer's block apparently works like that for me

[dontcallmecarrie]

On Echoes and Parallels

writer's block bites, but here, have some momentary introspection on birthdays .

Justin Hammer glared at the tiny box sitting on their desk, and the ridiculously shiny Rolex Daytona winked back.

Why on earth their father thought they’d like it, Justin had no idea— for one, they leaned more towards understated elegance and timeless styles. Steph had teased them more than once as a kid for dressing like an old man, but considering their family’s entire aesthetic was “different shades of old money”, they’d fit right in.

…but now they’d catch an earful for “being ungrateful” if they didn’t wear the watch that was the current bane of their existence, and that wasn’t even mentioning the whole ‘part of your late grandfather’s watch collection so show some respect, boy’ emotional snarl that was the true crux of the matter.

Because Justin could count on one hand how many memories they had of their grandfather, but the man, like all Hammers, had been a piece of work.

However, his untimely death before Justin had hit the double digits apparently wiped the slate clean. Of course, having an ironclad will probably helped, but it’d still taken the better part of a decade the man’s estate completely settled.

For as it turned out, all Hammers had their own vices, and while Justin’s father was skirtchasing, Humphrey Armitage Hammer’s had been collecting. Had he been any poorer, he probably would have been deemed a hoarder— but as it was, the Hammers probably could have turned over his storage units over to a museum or three without anyone batting an eye.

Or, well, mostly: Justin was 99% certain his art collection had stuff stolen by Nazis, considering how tight-lipped their parents got whenever the topic came up. His fountain pen collection was much more innocuous, but his coin, gun, and watch collections were probably worth more than the net worth of several countries put together.

Justin’s parents would had been more than happy to get rid of most it, but.

Apparently, that would make the family look bad, with people possibly going “look at how this man’s legacy is being squandered” and, of course, that would never stand. So, instead, now everything that had belonged to Grandfather went to storage, with the odd relic dusted off and flaunted. Such as, for instance, the shiny Rolex sitting on Justin’s desk.

They probably sounded spoiled, Justin knew; what other eighteen-year-old would complain about receiving their grandfather’s extremely expensive watch?

Except said grandfather had literally hundreds of watches just gathering dust in some storage facility, and it’d been Justin’s father who’d grabbed at random and shoved it at him with a gruff “congratulations, you’re a man now,” and called it a day.

Like they needed the extra headache after keeping the peace between their parents and Steph, especially today of all days. But if he didn’t show up to his own birthday party wearing it, Justin would catch hell from his father, and contend with his mother’s austere disapproval for the next decade.

Ugh. The only silver lining was that their attention span was next to nonexistent when it came to Justin, so so all he had to do was bear it today and conveniently ‘lose’ the watch afterwards— really, sometimes it paid off to be so estranged from parents who’d never quite forgiven him for not being a genius. With his luck, Justin could grab a fountain pen from storage, pretend his father had graciously picked it out, and nobody would either notice or care.

Which, predictably, is exactly what happened.

However, what no one could have predicted was what happened a couple of years later, when Tony Stark became an orphan one cold December night.

.

That Christmas had been rough, but also alerted Justin to the fact that his rival was going to be facing his first birthday without his parents. And sure, he had Jarvis looking out for him, and Obadiah Stane, Justin couldn’t quite help but feel that they should be doing something too— come on, it was for Tony’s eighteenth birthday.

So, after they headed home after that Christmas, Justin got to thinking. Their plans for Steph were currently at a delicate stage, so they’d need to be careful no matter what they decided on. Not to mention their extremely limited budget— their parents would never approve of anything they did to even potentially benefit their rival, after all.

Then they caught a glimpse of the tiny box sitting in the darkest corner of the room, and had an idea.

While the watch wasn’t their style, that level of flashiness perfectly matched Tony’s. Not to mention that a Rolex was a perfectly respectable brand, and considering the rumors of Tony being fast-tracked to CEO? It’d probably be nothing compared to the actual genius he brought to the table, but every little bit helped when it came to stockbrokers and shareholders.

“Thanks, Justin.” Tony said, smile bright and an strange amount of amusement on his face considering everything, until— “is there a reason it has ‘Hammer’ engraved on it?”

Justin froze. Then, once the words registered, they forewent any semblance of dignity in favor of a facepalm because really, they should have expected this. “That— I am so sorry, it was my grandfather’s. He had a habit of putting his name on everything.”

“Your grandfather?” Tony repeated, and now his voice sounded strange. Which, fair, it wasn’t like Justin ever brought him up beyond a vague, ‘may he rest in peace’ manner and having him come up now was probably not their brightest moment.

Justin tried to keep their shoulders from hunching defensively. “Yes, my grandfather. If you don’t like it, I can…”

They trailed off for a moment, because their first thought was to say, ‘I can get you another one,’ except, well, they couldn’t. Not when their parents controlled so much of Justin’s finances, and they’d never approve of such an expense as a gift for Tony Stark of all people.

“No, don’t, it’s great! The man had good taste.” Tony said, interrupting Justin’s thoughts and visibly brightening as he went on.

“I thought you’d like it.” Justin said, and they hadn’t meant to let their voice sound so soft but it was the truth.

…a truth that ended up going much further than they’d expected, as Tony took to wearing that watch everywhere.

#No Hero [Downward Descending] #schrodinger's canon #3 am musings #my writing

[dontcallmecarrie]

Were you the one who wrote Kylo Ren getting whats hia face out of hia head early and being a better person for it? Asking because I think this is relevant to that and was wondering if you'd seen it or what you thoughts of it?

https://www.tumblr.com/suzukiblu/144271320222/suzukiblu-someone-somewhere-on-this-our-beloved?source=share

Yes and no: yes I do have two AUs where Ben Organa is the exact opposite of Kylo Ren, one being a little closer to canon where he does kick out the creepy voice in his head while the other is the 'canon whomst?' remix, but neither reach the glorious chaos that is that AU.

Like, sure, there's some elements that come close: Ben being Very Extra with his sense of fashion, but in Darth Calamity it's because he found some really nice armor in the ruins of some planet [cough, cough, Darth Revan's gear, cough] and it turns out that finding anything else of the same quality would cost a lot of credits and between ship fuel and blaster packs and guild dues, it's never really been a priority when what he has is perfectly good. Similarly, Ben will be the first to admit he is no teacher, but that's 100% meant to be an ironic echo of canon- because in he ends up being the Wise Old Mysterious Jedi Mentor Figure, albeit kicking and screaming the entire way.

The closest I've got is my 'in which Darth Calamity meets canon and absolutely no one is happy about it' tag, and in said tag the main focus is "Ben is literally in the world of his worst nightmares" and "everyone else finds out they're living in the Worst Timeline Possible" and "Ben being himself does not help, because finding out that there's a world where Leia's son inherited Padme's social justice rants instead of Anakin's Jedi-killing tendencies makes them feel robbed".

That being said, I can see the appeal- but I'd be iffy about actually reading it before finishing Darth Calamity, because I'm worried I'd accidentally steal someone's idea and I have a hard enough time keeping my stories on track as is.

...and thanks for the reminder, because I finally have some time to write and some WIPs to hopefully tackle.

#i got an ask! #naught replies #in which darth calamity meets canon and absolutely no one is happy #The Rise of Darth Calamity #the man who sold the world #behind the scenes #thinking aloud

[dontcallmecarrie]

Apologies for the radio silence, things've been hectic and some of the highlights of it are: driving through like seven zip codes just to get to a job that's basically the embodiment of imposter syndrome, working two jobs for a hot moment there, quitting one of said jobs after management dropped the ball one too many times, catching covid and trying to walk it off* [*it helped that I'd gotten a booster not long beforehand, and even then it wasn't fun], losing one of my notebooks for over a month, and bouncing between hobbies like a ping pong ball in between grappling with writer's block.

Special mention probably should go to the impromptu road trip from earlier this summer, feat. me possibly seeing a high-speed chase irl [...which isn't as cool as it sounds, it was past midnight and could be summed up as "oh shit, flashing lights and sirens? better pull over- AND there they go" and, less than five minutes later, "huh, I thought this was a freeway, why'd I have to swerve to avoid oncoming traffic? Geez, that could've been bad if my reflexes were any slower. Oh hey, there's the police again- WAIT A MINUTE"] and...not much else, really.

The two jobs thing was brief but exhausting, and didn't help the writer's block at all. More like made it worse, tbh, but the road trip DID give me a few ideas [...that refuse to be anything other than bullet points in my notebook]

#thinking aloud #behind the scenes #naught rambles #3 am musings #well...kinda

[dontcallmecarrie]

me, hitting my head against the brick wall that is writer’s block: inspiration, pls

my brain, somehow: hey you know what’d be great? if we took the franchise you were sick of as a teenager and mashed it with an obscure movie that doesn’t even have a tag on AO3.

me: oh COME ON

#thinking aloud

[dontcallmecarrie]

me, about five years ago: hmm, maybe I should spend more time cramming and less time researching stuff to make my fanfic sound plausible. No way is some obscure legal jargon and random crap about jurisdiction ever going to be more useful than taking care of all these prereqs!

me now, at my second job that has me rubbing elbows with lawyers and running around court and city hall: *surprised pikachu face*

.

Okay, but there’s a strange sort of irony in this situation that only you guys can understand, especially those of you who’ve read TWiFFON. Like a brick joke, but in real life.

Of course, it comes at the cost of writing time, but between writer’s block and other stuff, not much was going on, anyway. Some ideas for original work, and I’m kinda torn about posting it because it’s a bit different from my fic.

#thinking aloud #behind the scenes #putting this in the tags because it's been the next day but still on my mind #it just really sticks with me because of the cosmic irony of it #like: yeah what I learned in undergrad really paid off. it just. turns out to not have been the stuff I was expecting #but the sticking point is that I know for a FACT that if one of my relatives knew? they'd be bitching about wasting my time writing #instead of studying and burning myself out completely I guess. #so #you never know what kind of curveballs life throws at you

[dontcallmecarrie]

For anyone wondering what’s going on with BDEL, Darth Calamity and...basically 99% of my AUs: every time I write, stuff going on in my life keeps coming out. Which normally isn’t bad, but we’re talking soap opera levels here. Like, ‘any more and I might as well write a biography’, and that’s Not Fun on a number of levels.

So, status update/ my internal narration on what keeps running through my head on the AUs you guys may or may not be wanting to hear about. Heads up for some minor spoilers, but way less than the outlines linked on my pinned post.

By Dawn’s Early Light:

...I have all of one (1) scene I’m eager to see, and that’s Howard Stark getting punched by Bucky in front of Steve Rogers. And maybe reassess how realistic this AU is, but tbh that feels more like something to tackle in the Coding Nightmare Fic I Have Yet To Finish because like hell I’m rewriting this fic.

By Myself But Not Alone:

look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair! Sing, oh muse, of the hubris of the fool who thought they could make their overly-complicated vision into a reality while only knowing the bare-bones basics of HTML.

...okay, but really, my main problem is that I’ve got several dozen pages of handwritten notes and outlines of potential Bad Endings to spice things up, but. Completely and utterly blocked on actually writing it out. Kinda debating on just posting what I’ve got and calling it a day because my brain refuses to expand on anything right now.

Live Through The Rain AU:

First off, I really want to brush up on Welcome to Night Vale to make sure I’ve got the tone right. Secondly, this one’s slated for Howard Stark redemption/character development boot camp via ‘yeah your world was just completely upended by one of the people you trusted most, no, that was just the first of many curveballs coming your way’, which I write when I’m trying to tackle a sympathetic and nuanced perspective of a very, very complicated man with a lot of issues.

...which means I have to be in the frame of mind to be sympathetic. Which, right now, I am not.

Incidentally, if you’ve noticed a sharp uptick in the levels of family drama in NHDD, this is why. Justin’s father is what happens when I am not inclined towards trying to be sympathetic towards parents who don’t have their shit together and insist on dragging everyone else down with them, Howard Stark is what happens when I’m not venting my issues onto fictional characters. [...apologies, btw, for anyone reading this. I try to keep personal stuff personal, but. This stuff keeps leaking into everything I touch, no matter how hard I try.]

Blurred Lines:

...this was my first fanfic, really. I’m kinda torn on how to approach it, really, because I started it out as an exhausted aspiring pre-med student who was not in a great place.

It’s been years since then; I am not where I’d once expected to be. It’s been over a decade since I’ve been up to date on what’s going on in Doctor Who, and noped out of Sherlock after the hot mess that happened after Season 2. On top of that, my writing’s all over the place because my teenage self had a long way to go when it came to storytelling, and part of me wants to go back and edit but the rest of me can’t help but think, ‘no, this fic has literally grown with you,’ even if it sounds cheesy as all get out.

All I know is, I want to finish this fic. I have a bullet point outline, next to no knowledge of Doctor Who lore and probably need to do a lot of research to do it, but it is going to happen. Eventually.

Ere The World Falls/The Lullaby of Obliteration:

Writer’s block hit me like a battering ram because ETWF was supposed to be finished in a week.

Look, this is what happens when all you have is a single scene you desperately want in the next chapter, but absolutely nothing else. Specifically, this snippet:

“Oh, I like you,” Hela laughed, something as cold and sharp as the rest of her and Tony didn’t know if he was imagining the goosebumps he felt right now.

Also, ETWF’s meant to be chaos incarnate and found family and end with hope for a better future for everyone, but... I kinda wrote myself into a corner on some things, and found a great way to tie Norse mythology and Marvel comics lore that would require either a lot of heavy editing, or a grimdark remix that I don’t actually have the energy to tackle, because I really kinda need happy endings right now.

Darth Calamity/The Man Who Sold The World:

you know what? I’ve been up to my ears in rl family drama, I am not up to writing fictional angst right now. The remix with more identity shenanigans? Maybe, but first I have to wade through Skywalker family drama to get there. Hmm. Where’s inspiration when you need it?

No Hero [Downward Descending]:

yes, I know Justin Hammer doesn’t come across as being good at this supervillain thing. No, I don’t know how we got here either, this was supposed to be my stab at writing a SI-OC [emphasis on the OC] that got a tad bit out of hand. Especially when it came to the family drama, because I originally had zero intention of expanding on it beyond ‘Justin’s life went on Hard Mode from an early age, and it’s part of why they are Like That now’, but turns out Hammer Senior is a great heat sink for some things. Apologies for that, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ turns out I really needed to vent.

...in retrospect, I missed a golden opportunity for said OC to make a comment about vaguely expecting to see everyone running around in spandex, and that is one of the few regrets I have. Just as a metacommentary on how desaturated the movies got later on, compared to what little I know of the comics.

Beyond that, though, I’m having a lot of fun with a protagonist who accidentally weaponized the power of friendship.

The War is Far From Over Now AU:

Main fic’s finished, still too burned out to consider tackling the sidefic.

The plan currently is to take all the ‘Stuff I Couldn’t Quite Fit In’ posts I made- aka all the plot points that ended up getting cut for my sanity, because my heart had been set on finishing TWiFFON before graduating undergrad and even that ended up going sideways- and playing by ear from there.

Specific plot points I’d once been eager to tackle had included stuff like ‘The Curious Case of James ‘Bucky’ Barnes’ [aka SI Legal’s freakout over the files they end up having to sort through in the aftermath of the Civil War arc], and ‘Vision’s Adventures In Trying To Become a Psychiatrist’ because multiple commenters basically went ‘wow JARVIS really needs therapy, and no one on Earth really is equipped to help Skynet here’ and I remember thinking, “lol yeah, that’s kinda the point, but also that’s a great idea!!!” and had been planning to write something to that effect. Only, things hit the fan in my life not long after, and then burnout on top of that, and next thing I know it’s been years since I last touched this AU but still feel no inclination to do so.

#Naught rambles #thinking aloud #by myself but not alone #By Dawn's Early Light #Live Through The Rain #blurred lines #Ere the world falls #The Rise of Darth Calamity #The Man Who Sold The World #No Hero [Downward Descending] #3 am musings #writer's commentary

[dontcallmecarrie]

thought exercise that apparently refuses to leave me alone: NHDD characters in a scenario that could only happen in the MCU [so, an AU where the Avengers are a hot mess instead of a team and this is way closer to a Bad Ending Timeline than NHDD]. AU of an AU, basically.

This time, featuring the Soul Stone.

Heads up: what some might consider suicidal thoughts [...because of circumstances in-universe, but people get Very Very Concerned]. Unreliable narrator, as well, between Justin’s inferiority complex and the Soul Stone’s influence.

.

This was it.

It had to be, because the other Infinity Stones were now beyond their reach and this wasn’t something Cabal was willing to leave up to chance. Justin Hammer’s faith in his rival notwithstanding, hell would freeze over before he trusted anyone with something of this magnitude.

Not when Loki’s latest trip through the branches of Yggdrasil somehow ended up with him staggering home covered in blood and ichor, hands shaking and the light only returning to his eyes hours after Justin’s best efforts.

And then Loki had found his voice and, in between sips of lukewarm tea, haltingly spoke of what he’d seen. Of a Mad Titan’s conquest, and a gauntlet equipped with two of the most powerful weapons in existence.

It had been the work of moments to put SHIELD on high alert. Even less, to kick the hornets’ nest that was the magicians on Earth via Loki ducking into their artifact storage and moving every piece of furniture a few inches to the right. But.

That still didn’t feel like enough.

Not when that still left one Infinity Stone with nothing but a huge question mark hovering over it, and the grim awareness that if nothing was done then the Mad Titan might very well come to possess three of the six Infinity Stones, and if that were to happen?

Nowhere in existence would be safe.

.

It wasn’t enough.

Advanced warning, all the magicians on Earth working together up to and including the Sorcerer Supreme and it still wasn’t enough.

As it was, they were at a stalemate, and... everyone in Cabal exchanged grim looks as they silently agreed on what they needed to do next. Even if Ivan glowered at the prospect of resorting to magic to counter this latest threat, but by now all signs pointed to the last, still-missing Soul Stone being the best counter to the Power Stone that was the main threat when it came to dealing with the Mad Titan.

.

Merely locating the Infinity Stone ended up being a challenge.

And then, when they finally succeeded?

“You should know...the Stone extracts a terrible price. A sacrifice.”

And with that, the air around Justin Hammer started to glow.

.

“Well, that’s that, then,” the Winter Soldier said with a heavy sigh. “And here I thought this couldn’t get any worse than the end of the world.”

At his side, Loki scoffed, and they both glanced back to where Victor von Doom continued to read Justin the riot act. It was the most furious any of them had ever seen him— and the most scared.

His voice had cracked at least twice, and the grip he had on Justin’s shoulders would undoubtedly bruise later, but no one blamed him. Not when even now, Justin was eyeing the ledge with far too much consideration for comfort, and that?

No one could tell how much of it was the stress of the situation, and how much was...

They’d all known Justin had Issues™— it was practically a requirement for entry into their fucked up little friend group, the one he’d created— but nothing like this. Sure, Winter sometimes made cracks about his self-preservation instincts, but. It was supposed to be just Ivan Vanko and Loki who’d had to contend with those particular demons, not—

But that didn’t change the fact that Justin Hammer had been the only one not to react to the Soul Stone’s immortal envoy.

Or, rather, the only one who hadn’t immediately scowled and said some variation of “fuck no, and fuck you too”; the only one who’d just. Stayed silent, and tilted his head, frowned in consideration, and okay, maybe it’d been an overreaction when Winter had yanked him away from the alcove with the creepy hooded figure, but nobody else was complaining.

.

The crack of a gun stole all their attention for a moment, only to see Ivan storm away from the creepy hooded figure who’d started this mess to begin with.

“I thought you were trying to get more intel, what happened?” Winter asked, and Ivan put it away with a scowl.

“I’m Russian,” Ivan deadpanned. Then, at Winter’s raised eyebrow, he continued. “And he’s one of the most famous Nazis in history.”

Winter’s eyes widened for a moment. "You’ve gotta be kidding— just when I think things can’t get any worse. Fuck, really?”

Ivan glared back towards where the figure was slowly picking himself up again, the dark stain on the his cloak receding. “I hate everything about this. And he just kept repeating that bullshit about a life for a life. And if it wasn’t that, he kept going on that the Stone wants Justin, something about how his wisdom mirrors its own? And I’m pretty sure Victor’s two minutes from going nuclear, and—”

He cut himself off because for a moment, ran a hand through his hair, and started swearing under his breath because he could deal with the potential end of the world bearing down on them, just.

Not this.

.

Justin hadn’t said a word since the Soul Stone’s envoy had mentioned the offer.

They knew it was freaking out everyone else who’d come with them, but...

They’d be a fool if they didn’t at least consider it. Even if just the thought seemed to have fired up everyone else even more than the Mad Titan’s rampage had, but someone had to, since the others insisted on acting like it was some unthinkable and impossible thing.

But death came for them all, and faced between an inevitability and an undeniable advantage...

What did the Soul Stone see in them?

Justin Hammer was no one important, not... as horrible as it sounded, it would’ve made more sense if the Soul Stone had been interested in literally anyone else in Cabal. Sure, it would’ve been a whole other brand of nightmare scenario, but at least then Justin could follow the train of thought that led to that conclusion. They could easily understand it if the Soul Stone had been intrigued by Winter’s strength, or Victor’s power; could easily see how anyone could have been caught up by Ivan’s genius, or Loki’s particular brand of chaos. But Justin?

The closest thing he had to a superpower was his bank account.

In the great scheme of things, it was nothing. They were nothing, considering they regularly interacted with superheroes and gods, were surrounded by the best of what humanity had to offer, and encompassed so much of the worst.

So why was the Soul Stone so interested in them?

And— okay, yeah, they were still avoiding the question. To be fair, though, it was not easy to keep one’s cool when faced with the prospect of either death by apocalypse, or death to obtain artifact of immense power. But at least it’d be worth it, one life weighed against the universe was nothing. It’s not that they were suicidal by any measure, exactly, but Justin had enough self-awareness to be able to take a step back and do the math.

Yet the mere suggestion of it had even Victor— calm and collected Victor, who took pride in his nonchalance and didn’t bat an eye even in the middle of assassination attempts on his life— up in arms at the idea of losing the weakest member of Cabal, and never before had Justin resented their over-protectiveness quite like now.

Really, wasn’t it a bit much?

These were normally the people he could trust to be most capable of looking at things objectively like him, able to separate emotions from the equation when weighing the cost between means and ends and collateral damage.

Sure, it was always different when hypotheticals stopped being hypothetical, but this reaction felt off, somehow; had the the rest of Cabal acting in a way that went far beyond worry for losing a useful ally. Had them more caught up on whatever it was than on thinking of alternatives, and for quite possibly the first time they could remember, they were at a loss as to how to approach this new variable.

No matter, Justin could still work with this. Somehow.

...once they got out of a certain someone’s crushing embrace, anyway.

.

“Let’s talk.”

“Your life is not up for negotiation.” Victor immediately said, eyes flashing and the ensuing conversation only went downhill from there.

.

“Well, that went well.” Justin leaned back into the outcropping with a quiet groan.

The others had unanimously chosen to put him on the closest thing they had to suicide watch, and he had no idea where to start with how to feel about it and now they weren’t even listening to him.

Just. Kept dismissing everything he said out of hand, and it would’ve been bad if it had been anyone else but this was Cabal, the people who, up until today, had always been the ones he could trust to at least take his words into consideration. Could trust in general, because they’d all seen him at his best and worst, and had never so much as flinched.

But now Victor could barely look at him without his hands shaking, and Ivan and Loki had taken to sharing increasingly unreadable looks and Winter had spent the past hour alternating between questioning and pummeling the Red Skull, who apparently had been the person selected by the Soul Stone to be its guardian.

Presumably as punishment, but Justin had yet to understand anything about it, so.

Now they were here, heavily monitored while everyone else made plans to leave and blatantly ignoring the fact that the Mad Titan was very much a pressing threat and they were just going to be leaving behind one of the cornerstones of the universe because nobody bothered to listen to them.

Justin had thought he’d gotten over that hangup from his childhood.

He was not happy to discover otherwise, especially at the end of an exhausting day, on the heels of the stress that came with the impending apocalypse and everything else.

‘It is a heavy burden, is it not?’

...and now came auditory hallucinations on top of everything else. Great.

.

This was nothing less than a nightmare.

Somehow, despite literally everyone being half a second from losing their shit and keeping an eagle eye on Justin goddamn Hammer, he still managed to give them all a heart attack.

Winter hadn’t questioned it when the man of the hour had decided to take a nap, but everyone heard his freakout when Justin didn’t wake up. A frantic check showed no signs of self-harm, but his eyes shone a brilliant gold when they checked his pupils as a last-ditch measure and now the situation was officially out of their control because nobody knew what would happen next.

All they could do now was wait, and hope, and Winter hated every second of it.

.

“Why me?” Justin asked, and he could almost feel the Soul Stone’s amusement.

‘You understand what I am, in a way few could ever dream.’

Justin called bullshit.

‘I offer respite, weary one. You carry the weight of two lives, the loss of one would be a kindness.’

Wait a minute. How had it— oh, of course, Soul Stone, no wonder it was able to see the echoes of a past they’d long since left behind to gather dust. Their deepest and darkest secret, laid bare to the one entity uniquely suited to see it. Well, now they felt foolish.

“And here I thought you called for my death.”

‘It could be, if you so chose.’

Translation: it would be, for literally anyone else. For anyone who didn’t have faded echoes of a life they’d never been able to remember, no matter how hard they’d tried. Justin Hammer had tried to put it out of mind for their own sanity after grad school, but... now that though thought about it, the more they remembered even as their headache grew worse.

A time before Justin Hammer, another life.

One with a family that actually cared, and they’d always been an older sibling but the first time it hadn’t been entirely on them because the child they’d once been had aunts and grandparents, and the nice librarian who hadn’t laughed when the stack of books they’d checked out was almost taller than they could look over, and the neighbor’s dog had always wagged his tail even faster when they were around because they knew where to scratch behind his ears, and their high school had asbestos but also the English teacher who thought their shitty poetry was worth something—

Another life, one where life hadn’t quite gotten around to stamping out their faith in humanity. Or, rather, hadn’t had the chance, even though the hospital visits and bills and part-time jobs had all been steadily chipping away at it, the despair of knowing their paycheck was barely enough for groceries but it’s all they had, since their parents’ went straight towards meds—

Another life. One that was just as much a part of them, as the decades they’d lived as Justin Hammer, and apparently both were equally appealing for the Soul Stone.

They couldn’t help but break down, at that.

In laughter, and tears, and all the layers of fear and grief and tired but still-burning desperate hope because it couldn’t be that simple, could it?

‘Peace, weary one. You have my favor.’

It could.

He’d been scared to hope, but...

“Okay then. Let’s do this.”

.

Ivan was the closest thing they had to a doctor, so he was the one who startled back with a yelp when his not-patient opened his eyes with a gasp. 

“Did it work?”

Ivan was half a second from swearing a blue streak, but his attention was caught by the dazed look on his friend’s face.

“You— what did you do?!”

Because before he could even start on his well-deserved rant about stupidly self-sacrificial idiots, Justin unclenched his fists and in his right palm was the unmistakable golden glow of what could only be the Soul Stone.

Justin looked at him and made to respond, only to pause.

“I... you know what? I don’t actually remember.” He looked around with a vaguely confused frown. “Where are we, anyway?”

.

aka this is the AU where Justin gets an Infinity Stone, gives Cabal several heart attacks, and ends up losing the echoes of his past life [...and a good chunk of his childhood memories, because of how much the echoes were part of it].

All in all, Vormir’s technically a net gain in that taking down Thanos is fairly straightforward afterwards, but nobody in Cabal’s ever going to so much as speak of it. It doesn’t help that no one quite gets what exactly went down, since Justin’s still alive but his memories are a mess for a while afterwards, and now there’s an Infinity Stone that randomly pops up around him. Just. Spontaneously shows up in desk drawers, behind the mug he was about to drink, by his keys and he rolls with it but it really freaks most of Cabal out for obvious reasons.

I don’t picture it really affecting Justin, though. Mostly because the other Infinity Stones are being basically deus ex machina plot devices, but the Soul Stone’s presented as this very very Mysterious Mystical Artifact in what I remember of the MCU, instead of the plot device that can be used as a weapon of mass destruction.

Since my brain refuses to let go of this idea, I figure the main offensive potential the Soul Stone has is basically curses like “may you feel all/a fraction/a sliver of the harm you have or ever will inflict on others” and “may you never know a day of peace”, which sounds probably underwhelming but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I’ve got nothing else. Plus I figured it’d be fitting, because stuff like that would be a non-issue for most people, but devastating for a bloodthirsty conqueror-type character like Ronan the Accuser or whatever.

hey if the Mind Stone’s whole schtick is mind control, this sounds vaguely plausible, right?

Also, while I’ve finally excised this what-if from my brain and don’t intend to poke at it anymore for now, anyway, feel free to imagine the potential for chaos that is Justin ‘sky-high charisma stat’ Hammer, with an Infinity Stone.

#No Hero [Downward Descending] #No Hero [And Not Made Of Stone] #schrodinger's canon #3 am musings #well...kinda #Naught rambles

[dontcallmecarrie]

The last official meeting of the day was finally over, having run way past its allotted time, and Justin Hammer didn’t even bother to hide his relief as the liaison left their line of sight.

At his side, Loki gave him a flat look. “Is this what you do all day?”

“Welcome to the world of business. You didn’t have to stay, you know.” Justin honestly hadn’t expected him to stick around for anything but what interested him or furthered his pursuits.

So they were more surprised than anyone else when Loki’s soft-spoken disguise had shadowed him past the first hour of the day, instead of making his way to Ivan’s office.

“I was curious. It is really as tedious as...this?” Loki couldn’t have kept the disdain from his voice if he’d tried. “Moreover, how does the Man of Iron manage?”

Ah. That.

Justin didn’t bother to bite back their laugh. “Simple, he doesn’t. Didn’t.”

And the less they poked at the tangled snarl of feelings that came from the reminder that Tony had handed over his company to Ms. Potts, the better. Sure, Tony said they were still rivals, but...

“Haven’t you heard? He’s a superhero these days. Don’t get me wrong, he is a genius and damn good at what he does. But between you and me? The CEO thing wasn’t his forte. It’s the only reason I was able to even keep up.”

It was a good thing they weren’t bitter about it, or insecure. As it was, they’d clearly surprised Loki.

“I have never seen anyone admit weakness so easily, after living in another’s shadow.”

His words were sharp, but there was something in his eyes as he said it that had Justin politely pretending they didn’t see it. They knew— well, perhaps not better than anyone, but better than most, just what kind of toll it took. How much effort, to be able to admit to his own inadequacies after a lifetime of having them thrown in his face.

“I know. But I’m not him.” Justin shrugged. “I am who I am, take it or leave it. In this case, I’m not half bad a being a CEO. Not to knock Tony, but just between you and me, he’s always been more like Ivan. You know, practically living in their workshops— just don’t tell either because I don’t know who’d kill me first for saying it.”

Loki frowned thoughtfully for a moment, before shaking his head. “I do not think I understand your sense of humor.”

“Eh, stick around long enough, and you’ll see—” Of course Justin’s emergency phone chose that moment to ring. Of course it did. “Great, no rest for the wicked. If you want to go on ahead and see what Ivan’s been up to, that’s where I’m going once this is taken care of.”

.

By the time Justin caught up to them, almost the entire building had been cleared out, and only janitorial and security staff remained.

Why the both of them looked so pensive over the schematics of what appeared to be a glorified paint ball gun, however, was a mystery that would remain unexplained.

#No Hero [Downward Descending] #No Hero [And Not Made Of Stone] #schrodinger's canon #3 am musings

[dontcallmecarrie]

The first time Tony canceled on Justin Hammer, it was a shock.

Which it really shouldn’t have, because Justin had been the one to encourage him to give the Avengers a chance, so they should have expected—

Really, it was a silly little thing, meeting up for drinks and a meal just to show off. Besides, it’s not like Tony even intended to cancel, even, but. Well, Tony probably forgot he was talking to Justin, who was a regular CEO and was most definitely not a genius or a superhero for whom the world would bend over backwards to make things work. Justin, who had a flight to Dubai in 14 hours so this was the only time they would’ve been able to make it.

Which meant they had to cancel. Which was fine, it wasn’t anything important. Really.

It’s just...they’d been doing it for decades now, ever since Tony had preened at a gala and talked about building a dummy at MIT and Justin had raised an eyebrow and mentioned being part of student council. Hope had rolled her eyes but smirked into her not-champagne flute, and that...

It wasn’t much, Justin knew. But that exchange had been the highlight of Justin’s winter break, because the Hammers got along like oil and water the few times they were all together, and everyone always, always turned to Justin to fix it.

And then Tony’s parents died, and he’d needed someone and it’s only now that Justin realized just how much of their life had been built around their rivalry. Around one of the few people Justin could trust, who was on even terms with them, the closest thing they had to a friend when the rest of the world demanded so, so much—

Just like Steph.

Neither of them needed Justin anymore, not really; not when Tony’s new friends were good people with no blood on their hands, not when Steph had long since outgrown her need for a guardian.

The realization was nothing less than a gut punch.

Justin quietly called to cancel their reservation, and stayed home.

Alone. Like always, these days.

.

The second time Tony canceled on Justin, it was. Not great.

More of a disappointment than anything else, but to be expected, considering the mess the Avengers were dealing with. So it wasn’t really a surprise when Tony called to say he wouldn’t be able to make it, and that better luck next time, and Justin smiled and said all the usual pleasantries before the call ended and they were left with a too-silent apartment and no one to care about their latest jump in the stock market.

.

The third time Tony canceled on them, Justin wasn’t even surprised anymore.

.

The time after that, however, came with a fortunate change of pace: as Justin moved to put away their phone, they paused, and turned their head with a wry smile.

Loki was still new to this ‘not-PA’ business, and Ivan had been spending a bit too much time in his workshop than was healthy...

“Well, that happened— would either of you be interested in coming with me to that new place downtown?”

Ivan frowned thoughtfully for a second, before shrugging. “Sure, why not.”

Loki’s eyes were sharp as he glanced at them. “You’re upset.”

This time, it was Justin’s turn to shrug. “Plans fell through. For what it’s worth, it’s supposed to have pretty good food and the reservation’s for a private room.”

“Who?” Loki demanded, leaning in ever so slightly, and boy if that wasn’t Justin’s cue to take a few emotional steps back.

“Nothing major, life happens. Do you want to come with, or not?”

“Yes.” Loki said after a moment, with a decisive nod. “I would love to.”

It wasn’t what Justin had originally planned, but they had a great evening nevertheless.

.

The phone Justin constantly kept at his side quietly buzzed for the first time in months.

‘I am coming. When can we meet?’ Read the text, and Justin’s breath caught for a moment.

Victor’s message could only be about the upcoming summit, and that— oh dear. Justin was going to be busy with shareholders most of the week of, and before that was contract reviews, and other than the gala they were booked solid before the summit and Victor would be in pretty much the same state when it started...

Wait, no: there was one evening that could work.

Except it was technically already booked, but Tony wouldn’t mind if they canceled just this once, right?

#No Hero [Downward Descending] #No Hero [And Not Made Of Stone] #3 am musings #schrodinger's canon #take that writer's block

[dontcallmecarrie]

Trying to figure out how polls work, don't mind me. This is not a guarantee I'll update these soon [life happens], but for anyone interested, I can post an out-of-context snippet of what little I have actually written and hope it breaks through my writer's block in the process.

#thinking aloud #3 am musings

[dontcallmecarrie]

schrodinger’s canon, because Justin Hammer’s family in NHDD is a tire fire at best and sometimes it feels like I’m overstating the influence that kind of upbringing has on a person, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ here you go anyway.

 Heads up for undiagnosed mental health issues, too; Justin’s really going though it in this one.

.

Sometimes, Justin can’t help but resent his little sister. 

Not intentionally, of course, because she was an innocent kid who hadn’t asked to be born into this mess, but...

They couldn’t help but find it hilarious that their father’s misogyny unintentionally shielded the youngest Hammer from most of the bullshit Justin had to deal with.

Because Steph got to keep her childhood innocence, got to play and get watched over by a small army of nannies— when at her age, Justin had already resigned himself to being nothing more than a disappointment. She got to have family who cared, who took the time to share secretive smiles and chocolate chip cookies and countless notebooks to be filled in with childish scribbles, when all Justin had for comfort had been muted echoes of a happy home.

That had its own drawbacks, as it turned out.

.

Sometimes, it is possible to do something with nothing but the purest of intentions, and still fail, and still hurt people. Justin had always known this on some level, but it had never hurt as much as it did now, with Steph crying and him, helpless to do anything but watch.

Life had never been kind, what had he expected? He should have known, should have prepared—

And now Steph was paying the price.

Why, why had Justin thought Steph would escape their parents’ notice forever? Why had they thought she’d be safe?

They’d done their best to give her some semblance of a happy childhood, had practically spoiled her, and now this.

Something had to change, and as much as it broke his heart, Justin knew what he had to do.

.

There is something to be said for shared trauma.

A lot of things, actually, and most of them not good, but.

It was all Justin had.

Steph didn’t realize the full extent of it, even now; didn’t realize just how much of their mental health was centered around her well-being, how much of their sanity had been anchored by their efforts to shield her from their parents’ bullshit. Maybe in a few years she’d look back and notice just how much of their childhood had revolved around her, but they doubted it. [Early memories were fickle like that, after all.]

Right now, all she knew was that her big brother loved her, would do everything in his power to help her, and that’s all that mattered.

.

Steph didn’t need them anymore.

Justin knew this day was coming, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less, didn’t keep it from feeling like his heart was being ripped from his chest.

.

...so, yeah, that happened. Kinda figured that you don’t become a villain without an origin story, and this is part of his: the product of an incredibly toxic environment.

#3 am musings #No Hero [Downward Descending] #No Hero [And Not Made Of Stone] #schrodinger's canon #thinking aloud