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krahk · 1 month

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Blood for Ruin

Part One : Part Two : Part Three : Part Four : Part Five : Part Six

Masterlist

Alastor x OFC/Reader (no use of Y/N)

Part Seven

(Or, Alastor and the infuriating woman across the hall and her bad decision making)

Minors DNI, 18+ below

Across the hall, Alastor sat on the edge of his bed naked except for his unbuttoned shirt, head in his hands. He stared down at the proof of his lack of control, his seed that had been captured in his handkerchief and left on the floor as a reminder of this act of weakness. What was happening to him? He had never felt such urges of a sexual nature before, there was always a better way to spend his time. Even overworld, he was ambitious in his passion - there was no time to dilly dally with the fairer sex, broadcasting was an aggressive career path, even more so for a mixed person like him. He required focus, driven to prove himself to those who doubted him.

When his mother fell ill, his sisters - married with children, did not ask for but received his help. He moved his mother into his home for a comfortable life with visits from doctors as her body betrayed her. It was difficult watching her waste away, and he used his extracurricular hobby to distract him from watching her deteriorate. He couldn’t remember the exact reason for the first murder, his routine had not been established yet. But the thrill, the joy, the stimulation of taking the life of an undeserving human blessed with a healthy body while his mothers failed hers gave him a high like no other.

He was quite aware that becoming a prolific serial killer was not the best way to process grief and trauma, nor was it what his mother would have wanted from him. But it seemed like the best way to punish god for taking from those that deserve, that praised him, to enrich the lives of those that mocked. He did commit murder, yes. But it was morally argued (to him) that those lives he took were unwarranted of such a gift. They were liars and cheats, rapists and abusers - one of his final victims he discovered on the same burial ground where he discarded bodies, while this stranger was disposing of his own victim.

He was well deserving indeed, the cause for many young women disappearing off the streets. Mimzy had told him of a John coming by and taking women out who would never be seen again. Once they discovered each other, there was a fight in the bayou, one where Alastor would come out on top but the thrill of fighting his victim became part of his routine, unable to match the same energy without it. He held no qualms about his final actions in life, he had made his choices and Hell was the place to reflect on it but not regret it.

Redemption was not in his cards as he did not feel he would be able to even regret killing the people he murdered. Each and everyone deserved it. Likely the only regret he carried was that one night he did not come home, his death resulting in his mothers inevitable loneliness paired with the discovery that her son was a murderer. He might not have been considered a ‘good’ person in the end, finding more joy in murder than anything else, but he did think he knew exactly who he was and what he wanted.

Since your arrival, his entire being has shifted into something…new. Beyond the bond the two of you shared through his reckless behaviour on earth, you were a fresh sinner. You still acted, spoke, dreamed like you were alive. He heard you constantly correcting yourself when talking with the others, to remember you were dead. Though your own task work through the hotel had been quiet, seemingly boring, you did it with a vibrancy he had not felt himself for decades. Your heart rate would increase when laughing with Angel, your cheeks would burn when Husk would give you a strong drink - things that made him live through it either in his room or while he lurked in the shadows. Nothing he did was ever alone anymore. You were something else entirely, and he was unsure if he would not be feeling anything with regards to your presence, you reminded everyone around you what it was like to be alive.

Yet there was a small voice that betrayed his very way of thinking, one that caused grief when it came to you. He knew very well that without your accidental completion of the half witted, unfinished spell work he truly did forget about, your soul would likely have gone to heaven. Though the judgement between sinners and ‘winners’ was not absolute in who was allowed to ascend, souls like yours did not settle with the scum that was found traversing the streets of Hell. You found a radio while cleaning up for a family you did not know, on break from your simple, modest lifestyle splitting your time from volunteering, or running marathons, or bouncing from one job to another trying to find your path through life. You rarely said anything negative, about anyone, unless it was an honest truth needed to be heard from the one you were talking to. Even then your words were gentle and caring. It was very clear it was his fault you were here, with him. Your soul came to join with the linked soul…and he was here first.

His hands fisted the hair on his head, eyes furrowed and smile shaking. Was his divine punishment supposed to continue with the fact he knew he sabotaged your afterlife? Or that the new emotions and sensations he was feeling were undeserved of someone of your calibre? Did you have similar thoughts? These questions plagued him for a multitude of reasons. For one, it was unlike him to care what anyone thought of him, for another, it was unlike him to care for another. Especially to lust after another. Sexual relations had been such an easy thing for him to avoid that now it seemed his mind was trying to make up for lost time. Everything you did was beginning to send him into a spiral, and much of the time he spent around you was containing his physical reaction to the simplistic things you did, that he would twist into something sinful.

Like today, when you were finally given breakfast, your eyes closing and lips licking as you ate whatever over sugared pastry Lucifer had grabbed for you. It was easy to imagine you in another situation, one away from prying eyes. Where the two of you could push and pull differing sensations through your bond, linking the two of you through sin. Or earlier this week, when you were reading a book in the sitting room, focused on the words on the pages, licking your fingers to turn a page, or wetting your lips during an intense storyline. He was entirely too focused on you and your actions, and the worst part was he was unsure if he could simply blame the tainted magic of your bond.

You were a demented reminder of what he had denied himself in life, a ballooning heart at every fleeting touch. He was having a difficult time remembering what he used to do or what made his mind content before you. He needed to revisit old haunts. Perhaps today he would take a walk through the doomsday district and take a few people out of their misery. Since he introduced you to Rosie she was likely not a safe place to ignore your presence as you had never once brought anyone of considerable interest for her to meet before, she would have some interrogating for him once he revisited Cannibal Town.

Yes, a visit through a district where people were. Most itching to get the worst of it over with, it was already expected by them. His presence would be doing them a favour, really. Yes, a reminder of what used to get his blood boiling before you came crashing down into his life would be an excellent distraction. Mind set on his next move, he cleaned and dressed himself for a night on the town, silently exiting the hotel with intention.

The next morning after your very intense and unexpected kiss from Alastor, your body still felt exhausted, almost like you had overextended yourself. You didn’t remember your dreams, but you were sure they were a mental drain considering the headache you were nursing. Coffee was in the Lounge, and Vaggie was sitting alone on a couch, still silent and distressed from her past coming out to the hotel. You had already reassured her that none of you really cared, this was hell, after all. But for her the only person who mattered was still avoiding her. She had been staying in a vacant room since the meeting with heaven, wanting to respect Charlie’s wish for space. You decided to enjoy your coffee on the veranda outside, wanting to give the other woman some space, and hopefully aid your head with some fresh air.

While you were checking the Hellblazer News, a small independent paper produced out of the business district, Angel came home from what was obviously a long night at the studio. When he noticed you he came and sat beside you, groaning and sinking into the chair.

“Val has been dogging me since we went out, he is so much worse than usual.” He complained, checking his phone notifications, clearing all the ones from Val, which were nearly all of them. “I’m not saying that I regret what I said, because there was no way I was lettin’ him touch anyone, but I wish I could do more than just pay for it later.” You nodded at his statement, but said nothing to encourage him to continue.

“When I came to hell I carried my sexuality like a burden, like I did overworld. It was way easier to get drugs down here, and I was easy to manipulate. I know it was my fault I gave my soul to Val because I thought he loved me, but I wish I could go back to my old self and let him know I didn’t need his love to feel good.” He sighed, enjoying a moment of silence while responding to a few texts. “Please tell me you have had shit men ruin your life too, miss girl, this can’t just be a one way street.” He smiled at his own statement, winking at you when you chuckled lightly at his self deprecating comment. You gave him an apologetic look, as your experience with men in general was pretty limited.

“My dad died when I was little, so no daddy issues…or does that give you extra daddy issues?” You said more to yourself, but Angel laughed out a ‘yea baby’ at your expense, “My mother was paranoid, positive every man ever was going to kidnap me. When she died I dated for the first time, straight out of high school, but he wasn’t bad or anything…just…I don’t know, someone to kill time with. I had no one around me, my family was small except for my Mum’s distant family in Louisiana, so I just used a dating app to waste time. But overall, my experiences have been pretty uneventful.” Mind you, this was all before Alastor, which you would not be discussing with Angel.

Angel was nodding, likely half paying attention as he was yawning every other minute, but just engaging in the conversation was good. These regular gossipy conversations distracted from your situation, which though you had mostly processed, still didn’t mean you always remembered you were in Hell. Even when you thought you knew what hell really was you were reminded of worse things you dealt with when you were actually Alive. Hell had friends, at least. Something that was sorely lacking in your life before.

“So are ya tellin’ me you don’t gotta lot of ‘experience’ with the opposite sex, girly?” He waggled his eyebrows, a smirky grin present. OH now he was engaged, because he was nosy about your sex life.

You laughed at him out right. “I’ve done…stuff, Angel. No like…actual sex, but like…oral and hands and things. The guy I did it with was selfish, and he hurt me when he tried using his hands - not a good listener. So I broke it off before we could go further. I had a feeling I wouldn’t enjoy it much. I’m pretty in tune with my own body though, and I did have some personal aides on earth. But I’ve always been more comfortable with myself.” Angel gawked at you during your ramble, you knew what was coming. “Are you tellin’ me that you’re basically a virgin?” You groaned.

“No. I mean, in the most literal sense? Yes. But I have used toys, and have had sexual contact with a guy, but honestly I don’t think of myself as one. I know what I like, and I’m totally content with that. There haven’t been many opportunities for me to hook up. Especially now, cause like…we’re in hell.” Angel burst out laughing.

“Hell is WHERE you get these opportunities! You are hilarious. Funny girl, you kill me.” You frowned at him in humour as he lost his composure. “This is where I have experienced most of my sexual escapades, and I am sure glad for it. No judgement here, that already happened.”

You spoke up in defence of yourself, “well what if I’m still waiting for a deeper connection?” He scoffed at you, back at his phone, “I can get ya a deep connection, if you get what I mean.” Eyebrows taunting you, and you burst into laughter again, causing him to join in. After a good chuckle, you both settled into your chairs, just enjoying each other's company as Angel scrolled through his social media and you hit the bottom of your cup. It was him who broke the silence.

“I gotta real question for ya though. What is your deal with Alastor?” You tried to snort and look indifferent to him, but Angel was so goddamn good at reading people you were unsure if it would work. “What do you mean?” Attempting to sound confused at his insinuation. His deadpan look of reply made you groan inwardly. “Girl, I’m good at lots of things, but I’m best at picking up tension. Especially of the s~exual nature.” He ran his tongue over his teeth and gave you his famous seductive eye. You thought you were keeping yourself together, hopefully you could keep it going.

You laughed, swatting your hand at him, “Me? And Him? Wait no, Him? Sexual anything? Are you sure we're thinking of the same Radio Demon? He can barely stand me, Angel, I’m sure whatever tension you’re picking up on is simply murderous.” You couldn’t meet his eyes however, staring at the horizon instead, scared the contact would break your composure.

He hmphed. “Girl, if it was murderous you couldn’t be here after he left your room last night.” Shit, he saw Alastor leave your room? Sloppy on his part. You had to go into damage control. “Nothing happened, Angel. Lucifer, Alastor and I went out earlier. And as you know, Alastor does not care for Lucifer. He was merely confirming some of the final details of Lucifer's plans, as he chose to ignore the man for a majority of our excursion.” Man, Hell was making you a great liar.

“Girl.” Okay, maybe not a great liar.

“He was zoned in on your room. On my way back to my room, he flew out of his like a bat out of here, and the vibes he was givin’ was not ‘just wanna double check a few things’, it was obvious. Plus, I didn’t hear no talking, cause your door was open. I heard some other stuff though. Sounded hot.” This was when your face broke, and a blush flew across your face. Angel’s laugh of confirmation got you to look over at him.

“Re-Lax. As if anyone would believe me if I said anything anyway. He’s a creepy mystery. And if he’s hot for you, you’ve gotta be some kinda creepy mystery as well. Cause whatever you did last night made him terrorise the doomsday district after.” He had stood up at this point, stretching so much his back cracked and he sighed in relief.

“Wait, what?” You said once his words caught up to you. “What did he do?”

Angel yawned, and tucked his chair in, leaning on it towards you. “Last night, after he left your room, he went and went full Radio Demon on their asses. Like, mass genocide shit.” Another yawn, he waved a hand at you, “I’m goin’ to bed doll. I’m beat, but yea. You wanna keep thinking nothing is happening between the two of you, you can join me on a double tonight.” You were so concentrated on your own whirlwind thoughts, you asked him to repeat himself. “You wanna join me on my double?”

“Double?” Double what? He groaned. “Fuckin’ virgins man, a double date. Cherry was gonna join me but she’s just bailed, something about blowing up a building on the edge of Vee town. Can’t blame her for wanting to but I can’t go, Val would literally kill me.” A double date? Good grief. Was that a good idea? What exactly was going on with you and Alastor anyway? It wasn’t like you two had any real discussion, you both were just playing a game of touch and go (quite literally). You hadn’t thought too much about him outside of that though. You obviously were physically attracted to him, somehow, despite his frightening existence. But was it because of the bond or because of the growing tolerance to each other's presence? You supposed there was only one way to start figuring it out.

If Alastor needed to kill a bunch of people to figure his shit out, perhaps you could do the same with dates. Angel was right, you didn’t have a lot of experience with men. Maybe you could have a similar connection (though not so binding), at least emotionally, with another person? Who knows. You reluctantly agreed to join Angel, deciding getting out of the hotel, away from Alastor, might help you think. After getting the details from him he left, and you sat in your chair, instantly regretting what you had just agreed to. And regretting that you would have to convince Husk to 3rd wheel with the two of you. You groaned, rubbing and squishing your face with your hands.

Later that night, after complete Radio Silence from Alastor save for his actual broadcast of jazzy upbeat lackadaisical tunes, Angel dressed you up like a little doll and the two of you all but skipped downstairs, geared up to go. You were going to be walking to this club called ‘Lounge’. It served appetisers, cocktails and had live music. It really sounded like a good time and when you focused on that part, not the date, you were pretty stoked. The dress code was semi-strict, according to Angel, and he had chosen a tight black turtleneck dress that went down to your knees, but lacked sleeves. Because of this, the black gradient on your arms made it look like you were wearing opera gloves. Paired with strappy black pumps, you felt pretty fancy. Angel had dressed in a similar style, but instead of a turtleneck, the neckline was sweetheart, and on the stomach was a cutout in the shape of a heart. He wore his standard black boots up to the top of his thighs, and his hair was more tousled than usual. You hair had been pinned back into a loose updo, and the both of you had little gemstones sprinkled in your hair. Husk promised to follow behind the two of you, Angel oblivious to your little shadow, chattering about whoever it was that his date brought for you.

As you entered the club, you kept looking back, nervous until you saw Husk enter and make his way to the bar. You joined Angel in a booth, him texting presumably your dates and ordering the both of you cocktails. Whatever a Blue Hurricane was, it was delicious. But remembering the last time you got drunk you were certainly going to be taking it easy.

As the missing pair arrived, it was obvious that you would not be having a good time. The friend of Angel’s date was a weasel demon, which was the first warning. One bit you when you were a kid and the scar was still present to prove it. The second was when you first met, he was so vulgar that Husk almost got involved, thankfully catching you shaking your head furiously. You let the man talk, on and on, about what he did, liked, positions…Yea, this was a shit date.

He finally picked up that you were uninterested entirely, or he thought hitting on the waitress in front of you was smooth, you texted Angel that you were going to walk home (no worries, it wouldn’t be alone) and thanked him for inviting you out. He read it at the table and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye and you left the table. Weasel demon nowhere in sight. You noticed Husk had left the bar, and you caught him as he was walking out the door, following your lead at the table. When you caught up to him, his sly smile made you laugh. “Did it look as bad as it went?”

”Dunno, how bad did it go?” The face you gave him made him laugh. “Bad. Really bad.” He smiled, “Well then yes. It looked bad. A shame really, you don’t get out much.” The two of you engaged in some polite conversation as you walked back to the hotel, Husk talking about how he used to wine and dine women when he was alive, how his luck wasn’t limited to just the table and blackjack. He was certain he had more than a few illegitimate children running around, he played fast and loose in all games, with all genders. By the time you both arrived back home, Husk was reliving how he would go to a hangout and dance all night with any girl he wanted. When you admitted no one had ever taken you dancing, he held out his hand and asked you to join him.

”But there’s no music! I may not have been dancing but I know you need music.” You exclaimed, finding the suggestion silly without the complete experience. Husk started to hum a song unfamiliar to you, and you chuckled, grabbing his hand and falling into an awkward waltz. Or at least you thought it was a waltz. It was some form of a box step, but it seemed like Husk wasn’t so much a dancer as he was a charmer. Though it appeared both of you had no structure, you were having a good time, until Husk stopped suddenly and took a step back. Your arms still lifted up, as if they were waiting for him to step back into place, and you faced the direction Husk had started to glare at.

Alastor.

He was at the very bottom of the stairs, head tilted. “What~ever are the two of you doing?” He began to come towards you as your hands lowered. Finding yourself less afraid of him these days, you spoke up. “I’ve never been dancing and I just had the absolute worst time on a date with Angel. Husk was cheering me up, and for that-“ You faced him, “I thank you. Best part of the night, although I wish the music was a bit clearer.” He smiled slyly and tipped his hat to you as he bowed, “Pleasure was all mine. Alastor, give the kid a break, she deserves a nice night out. Not tonight, but eventually.” Alastor had raised a brow and inspected your outfit, nodding in approval to the other man’s words.

”I see. That will be all Husker, you may leave.” Alastor waved him off, telling him to leave rather than suggesting it. Husk made eye contact with you and you shrugged. Alastor was picking under his nails with the same hands claws, seeming bored. Husk rolled his eyes and gave you a salute as he walked down the hall to one of the lower rooms for residents.

“Well my dear, I am afraid that you simply keep making mistakes, what a shame.” You groaned at his tone, closing your eyes to maintain composure.

“What do you mean, Alastor? Agreeing to be Angel’s ‘double?’” You finger quoted at the last word, making an obnoxious face to lay it on thick. “I know. Never again, I don’t know why I listened to him in the first place.”

”Well yes, that too I suppose. But I meant having Husker show you how to dance! Why I’ll have you know I was quite the dancer back in my day,” He pointed his microphone at the Radio in the Foyer and it started to play an upbeat, jazzy melody. He conjured his microphone away and grabbed your hand, leading you into a fast paced dance. You didn’t know what on earth was happening, but Alastor was an excellent lead. You found yourself laughing as he spun you about, trying to keep up with him - he wasn’t kidding, he was fantastic at this! He held on to both of your hands, which was great because you were so focused on his feet and trying to copy them, by the time the 3rd song started you were a bit more confident in your footwork but you were already out of breath. Holy crow dancing must have been a requirement in the 20s and 30s because Alastor barely looked as if he shed a drop of sweat yet. When you finally met his eyes, his smile wide as always, he let go of one of your hands to put you into a spin and bring you back.

The song ended, and he brought the two of you to a closer, slower dance, the song slowing. You found it hard to meet his face, but he thankfully broke the silence first. “How was that?! Quite the dancer, aren’t I?” He smiled at what looked like it could have been…real? Realer than most of his smiles. “Yes! I am impressed! Quite the dancer indeed. What was that dance? What did I do very terribly there for the last 15 minutes?”

He laughed at your joke, “That was the Fox-Trot dear, and something called the Black Bottom, though I mix it up a bit to keep it interesting.” He let you go entirely and the music faded into the background. You took a moment to catch your breath and race through the events that just happened. Date = bad. Husk = adorable. Alastor…Considerate? This was the most physical contact the two of you had with one another, and it certainly made you think. Just earlier today you assumed that your connection with this demon was only because of the bond, but here the two of you were, simply dancing like idiots in a Hell Hotel foyer, Alastor now rambling off about the songs he played and the meanings. You politely followed along without really listening, hyper focused on what you were feeling.

He just showed you he could be gentle, and fun. Patient when you stepped on his feet, and considerate as he gave you the instructions on what step to take next. Now he was looking at you and talking to you - honestly. Why was he constantly putting you in a state of confusion? 20 minutes with Alastor was proving to be leagues better than the hour plus date you went on tonight. Obviously your revelation gave you a certain look, because Alastor had interrupted your thoughts with a question. “And what, may I ask, are you in such deep thought about?” Raised brow, microphone back in his hand as he used it to lean on with both hands.

You quirked a lip, trying to figure out the right words to use. “I’m thinking about how 20 minutes with you had been a great end to my date since the first 2 hours were garbage. I am also thinking about how this is one of the first times we’ve spent time together that didn’t end up getting…a little heated.” He made a small noise of understanding before the two of you fell into a silence.

Ah yes, you were a mood killer. Grand. You kicked at the absolute nothing on the rug and announced you were heading to bed. You thanked him for the dancing, did a curtsy in response to his polite bow, and headed up the stairs.

Shoes and dress off, shower done and makeup removed, you were resting on the bed in your pyjamas, a button up short sleeved silk set with shorts. They were in a deep burgundy colour that flattered your colouring. The entire shower was spent thinking about your time with Alastor downstairs and how he obviously had no freaking clue what was going on, just like you had no idea what was happening between the two of you. It was clear there was more than just a physical connection, judging by how you were over analysing everything you had ever said to the man, hoping you never really sounded like an idiot after that first couple of days. There was a small knock on your door and when you opened it, Alastor was there, though he was a couple steps away this time.

”Evening my dear, I hope you have had time to freshen up.” He said, dipping his head a bit. “May I…come in?” You stared at him, unsure of what you were to do.

“Do you…do you think that would be a good idea?” You asked, not entirely against it but also confused by the fact he would even want to come in. “Well,” he started, picking off some non-existent lint from his microphone in an attempt to look nonplussed, “that depends on what sort of night you want to have, my dear.” Oooh trouble. That voice meant trouble. The kind of trouble that went straight to your crotch and lit your body on fire. Alastor’s facial response to your physical change was a toothy grin and a ‘mmhmm’ reverberating from his mouth. Embarrassed, but curious, you walked backwards back to the bed, sitting on the edge as Alastor came in smoothly and shut the door. He took a moment to look around the room you had attempted to make your own, inspecting every little addition, every detail. Finally he cleared his throat and spoke.

”I find you infuriating.”

“I…beg your pardon?” From the way your imagination was spinning all sorts of potential scenarios, this was not one of them. “Could you…elaborate?”

“I find you infuriating.” Okay, double infuriating. You waited. “Since you have arrived, I am unable to rid my thoughts of you. Your very presence has been invading my routines, my self expectations and responsibilities. I find myself skirting around more urgent matters just to catch a glance at you from a distance. You are making my mind and body betray the very way that I am! It is confusing, irritating and I am unsure if I would be willing to change that now that it has happened.”

You processed the words. Did he just imply he was glad all these things were happening? “Angel said that you went on a killing spree in the doomsday district, did you?” A slight tangent, but your curiosity was itching to find out. “Yes.” Was his curt reply. “Was that because…of me? Us? This-“ you guestured between the two of you, “-thing?” He came to stand between you, eyes lowered but not angry. He was quite unreadable at this moment. “Yes…and no.”

He bent over and grabbed one side of your collar to stroke the fabric between his thumb and 2 forefingers. “I went there because Hell needs a reminder that I am around, and I haven’t changed. But I also went-“ He popped the top button of your shirt open, “-because after our…moment, I felt a certain way, and I was concerned about how far I would deter from my pattern of behaviour if I stayed only across the hall from the source of all of these changes.” Button number two popped open and he lifted your chin to guide your eyes to his. “May I?” He asked, waiting for permission. You could only nod, your cheeks flaring up and you could feel this blush start to spread down your chest and shoulders. What the fuck was happening?

He unbuttoned the next 3 buttons that fastened your shirt together before putting his hand on your sternum and gently pushing you back so you were laying on the bed, looking up at him while your knees dangled off the edge of the bed. Your shirt covered a majority of your skin, but he took his claw and ran it up from your exposed navel to stop at your collar bone. The movement sent chills down your spine, but you laid still, hands beside your hips and formed into fists. He then ran his claw back down, and the resulting effect was a very small moan from your lips.

He brought his hand back up, his knuckle coming to rub the rib underneath your left breast, the movement causing the shirt to fall to the slide, exposing you. Your nipple started to peak slightly, but only for a second before Alastor bent down and took it straight into his mouth. Your shoulders jerked in response, and you could hear a tandem moan to your own. He was carefully toying with your left nipple with his teeth, while his left hand performed similar ministrations to your right nipple. Almost immediately you were over stimulated, pussy throbbing and clit pulsing. Alastor jerked his own hips as you smacked your head back against the mattress and fisted the blankets beside you.

He swapped his mouth to the other side, repeating the same actions, humming while he held them in mouth, causing you to groan. His knee came to rest on the bed, forcing your own knees apart. He was still fully clothed, and he brought his knee up until it rested against the heat of your cunt. He put pressure on it, and you groaned loudly, the sensation overwhelming. He was barely even touching you with his fingers and he had you soaking. Very quickly you felt the familiar build up at the bottom of your stomach, it was happening so fast it was nearly painful. The combination of his knee moving against your sensitive clit, the pinching and biting of your nipples mixed with the reflective arousal that you could feel from the bond with Alastor - who was just as tense with pleasure, had you slipping into despair chasing that release.

You raised your hands and brought them to his head, running your hands up behind his neck to run your fingers through his hair, only for him to grab both of your wrists and pin them beside your head on the bed. He was just slowly teasing one nipple at a time, puckering one up and blowing air on it, shifting his knee to change the pressure to your crotch, smiling wider as your moans escaped your lips. You tried to look down at him while he was overstimulating your body but it was too much for your brain to handle. How on earth had things come to this? You said his name in a shakily manner, stuttering over the first syllable and he hmmd a knowing response, picking up the pace of his ministrations, focusing his mouth on what the two of you discovered was the more sensitive one, knee pushing hard into you. Your hips were moving in a rhythmic motion to increase the friction, and your head was nodding back and forth as you allowed the buildup of pleasure to create a knot in the bottom of your stomach. Suddenly the knot tightened, and then snapped as your orgasm flooded through your body. Your moan of release was animalistic, unlike any sound that had come from you before, and your chest raised, having your head balance on your crown as your body arched to aid in release. A second after you started your release you felt Alastors body jerk in response, moving his hips to help with his own orgasm.

The two of you rode it out together, before he settled on his elbows on either side of you, allowing his body to rest on top of yours. His knees lowered to the floor at the foot of the bed, your own knees closed around his hips as the two of you caught your breath. It was suddenly stifling in your room, the smell of sex strongly pungent in the air. You stared at the ceiling, processing what was easily the strongest orgasm of your life as your mind raced.

Looking down at Alastor he was breathing deeply through his mouth, but his eyes were closed and furrowed. You tested his boundaries by letting your hands wander to his arms and let them rest on him. He didn’t move, and you didn’t push further by going farther, but the two of you laid there until your heartbeats settled. It was clear neither of you knew how to proceed, you were still confused about the turn of events and Alastor was confused how he allowed his basic instincts take over his better judgement.

He initially came to your door to…well for what, he didn’t even know. It certainly wasn’t thought out to pounce on you like a wild animal and bring you to a very intense orgasm that wracked through his own body and presumably ruined a perfectly good pair of trousers. This touch and go, push and pull bond between the two of you was making things difficult to process what he was actually thinking. Lately he was finding it harder and harder to avoid wanting to seek out these responses for you. His own lack of experience and overwhelming emotions that your presence had sparked in him has flipped his world, and he was unsure of how he would, or even if he could revert back into the cool, unaffected overlord demeanour that he had spent nearly a century perfecting. Where did he find those ritual runes again? Someone would have to pay for it, yes decades after the fact.

As you patiently waited, you fought a silent yawn, and found yourself slowly slipping into a comfortable state of pre-sleep. Alastor’s weight on top of you and your recent orgasm was a perfect concoction for restful sleep, and as your breathing slowed down and your lids became heavy, you slipped into slumber hoping that you weren’t coming across as rude (hey, he wasn’t saying anything either) but a part of you that was larger than you thought wished he would be there when you woke up.

Alastor however was grateful you were losing your battle within yourself and falling asleep, because it would make the next few steps much easier and far less awkward for him. He felt perhaps like a hormonal youth would, his lesser brain controlling the body devoid of any intellectual thought. As your breathing steadied into a rhythmic pattern he knew it was safe to move. He braced his head up off your chest and put his chin on his folded hands, propped up by his elbows that still rested on either side of you. He looked down at your peaceful face, content and already with a look of someone in deep sleep. Your face still had a residual flush on it, and your lashes twitched as his own breath hit your face after a long release of air he had been holding in.

Honestly if he was to be linked with someone in such a way, he considered himself lucky it was with someone like you. You were polite, very intelligent about the things you loved, held great conversation and, most importantly, you generally listened to what he had to say. And not that he put much merit into it being in hell, but you were also very pleasant to look at. Beauty fades on earth, but Hell was ageless. Though your demon form had been clearly influenced by his own, he was unsure of what other form you might take had this not happened. Still prey, he noted strongly, perhaps a rabbit or a dog - you were entirely too energetic and loyal. A thought he would focus on another day however, right now his task at hand was to escape without disturbing anyone or anything and clean himself up.

As he rose your body shifted immediately seeking out warmth. He used his tendrils to assist in moving you under the covers, fixing your shirt before using his own hands to tuck you in. He did not have a good answer to why he chose to do that himself, but as he left, the warm light dimmed as his shadows took him into his own room to address his mental anguish alone. He needed to sort out this thing that was starting to build up inside of him, and quickly. This extermination was suddenly far more complicated then the ones that preceded it.

Time was running out, and everyone knew it.

______

I know Alastor is an only child in canon, but he is so scripted as a man with sisters and therefore I live in de-lulu and write it as such.

Sorry for the delay, I’m trying my very best to make sexual moments not awkward and believable. And the idea that real people read it gives me anxiety.

@queermaxwooo @drawings-by-meh @sirens-and-moonflowers @looking1016 @mo-0-o @blakeaha @mutifandomkid @ministarheaven @nightingale0603 @loadedwafflefries @rizzscary @bishiglomper @vividachromatic @fluffy-koalala @mkaella @readergirlstuff @xalygatorx @otherthoughtsofbu @phamtasic @midorichoco @hazbin-h0etel @white-00-7 @little-slyvixen @zzzykiek @iheartalastor

#alastor #alastor smut #alastor x reader #hazbin hotel #alastor x ofc #alastorxreader #alastor x you #soulmates trope #hazbin #alastorxyou

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faun-the-fawn77 · 17 days

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𝐔𝐏𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐅𝐈𝐂𝐒!!!

Here's a list of the fics I'm planning to write and their descriptions! After like two or three of these are done I'mma open requests:)

At the bottom there will be a poll! The three highest ones that are chosen will be the ones I write first cause I'm horrible at making decisions myself. I will also attach the songs to each of these so you know who it is and not just assume what song it is!

Edit: WOW LUCIFER IS POPULAR!! Can't wait to write fro him:3

Edit2: Okay, guys, I know you love Lucifer(I do too) but we gotta give some love to other Hellaverse characters😭

Update:

This will be the post where I delete the ones done(Theyre linked on my masterlist) and replace them with new fics! I will make new polls every time so I can see what people want:) If any of the fics that were there previously make a low percentage after the poll then they will be removed and replaced with a new story and new song. This will only happen if it's still there after three rounds of polls. Since that was the first one, the Adam fics from before will stay for two more voting rounds. Have fun! And don't forget to reblog:)

Striker x F!Morningstar!Reader

"Dirty Little Secret"

Desc: SMUT! Imps and royalty never really seemed to mix. When Striker is hired to kill someone and the only info given about the target is “Little Bird”, he makes the mistake of falling for their charm and charisma. After nights spent in each other's beds, Striker realises that he’s the dirty little secret of the eldest daughter of the Morningstar family, and he doesn’t mind it one bit.

Human!Alastor x F!Wife!Human!Reader

"45"

Desc: ANGST/FLUFF! Alastor had a... deranged way of protecting those he loved. When he had learned of the men hitting on his wife while he was not with her, they had always ended up missing. When he learned of the not so innocent touching towards women going on at Mimzy's speakeasy, he made sure those guys disappeared as well. When the white people would threaten him because of the colour of his skin, their half-eaten bodies were in the paper. It all came to an end when Alastor was face to face with a barrel of a gun.

Loona x F!Human!Reader

"Bring Me To Life"

Desc: FLUFF! Loona was violent. Always has been. She was aggressive towards people who gave her bad vibes and indifferent to those who gave good ones. When on a mission with I.M.P. in the human world, she had stumbled into the kindest human yet. She was enamoured from the start when the girl had asked if she was okay and rambling about buying Loona a new coffee. Loona had stuttered out some response that was definitely incoherent which caused the beautiful stranger to giggle. Loona found someone who made her alive. Real. Someone who didn't hate her after they saw her aggressive side, even if it wasn't towards said person.

Fizzarolli x GN!Imp!Reader

"Funhouse"

Desc: ANGST! Fizzarolli had one of those traumatic pasts that scarred him both mentally and physically. When he was captured alongside the one person that created that trauma, he wished he could've died in that fire. When Striker had threatened him for being annoying, an imp stepped in and ripped the crazy cowboy away from him. The clown imp looked towards their saviour. The imp was stunning. Their glare at the cowboy made Fizzarolli blush and when the stunning imp looked his direction and lift his chin, he could've passed away from how hot he felt. Whoever this was, Fizz wanted to take them with him back to Lust.

Alastor x F!Angel!Reader

"Simple Man"

Desc: FLUFF! If Alastor could see his mom one last time in his life, he would do whatever it takes to make that happen. Well, when a hooded figure had knocked upon the hotel doors that evening, no one in that place could've prepared themselves for the fact that a literal angel was in front of them. Alastor stood in the corner, his shadow behind him just in case anything happened. When the angelic being had gazed at all the residents before landing their eyes on Alastor, they walked over and produced an envelop with his name on it. His name was written in the exact penmanship of his late mother.

Angel Dust x F!BFF!Succubus!Reader

"Californication"

Desc: ANGST/FLUFF! The porn industry was a tough gig. Having to be in positions you hated or having to look a certain way just to get famous. Angel knew that too well. When his best friend, the prettiest succubus in Lust, came crying to him about losing her job because the producer said she wasn't "sexy enough", he almost smashed his lamp into the wall. When she brought up plastic surgery, he could've blown the hotel up right then and there.

Stolas x F!Sinner!Reader

"Never Say Never"

Desc: FLUFF/ANGST! Stolas had grown up with the idea that Blitzo was his friend. Someone he could go to when things got tough. When Blitzo had finally told the truth about the past, Stolas was heartbroken. Running off to the Pride Ring to find at least some entertainment to heal his sadness, he didn't think that a sinner would give him hope. The hope he needed and the love he wanted.

Striker x F!Imp!Target!Reader

"I'll Be"

Desc: FLUFF! Striker was a cold-hearted imp. He fucked and he left the next morning at dawn. He didn't care much for relationships. His job was dangerous as is, he didn't need someone to protect when he had to think about his protection first. When he got a job to take out a target, he didn't expect the target to own a flower shop. Or that the target was the kindest imp he's met in Hell. Or that they were this beautiful. Maybe a relationship didn't sound too bad now...

Lucifer Morningstar x F!Human!Reader

“Iris”

Desc: FLUFF/ANGST! Lucifer didn't expect to be summoned on a random Tuesday afternoon. When he had popped up in the pentagram in some abandoned house, he turned around to unleash his anger on whoever was dumb enough to do this ritual. What he didn't expect was for a group of crazed satanists to start yelling and pushing a girl towards him, who by the way, looked like she was going to cry at any minute. A virgin sacrifice? Really? Lucifer rolled his eyes before moving towards the cowering girl and gestured towards an empty room to hide in before he slaughtered the lunatics who dared to summon him. After cleaning up, he walked towards the room and found the girl looking at him with a smile before she had hugged him. And that is how Lucifer found himself falling for another human woman...

Stolas x GN!Angel!Reader

“Fireflies”

Desc: FLUFF! When Stolas was just a child, he dreamed of getting his purpose. Once that purpose was bestowed upon him, he made sure to travel to the human realm when he could. One night, after witnessing an eclipse, he went to travel back home when an angelic voice had stopped him. He turned to see the most beautiful person in his life. After talking for a while about the stars, the person had gifted him a necklace. Ever since the, Stolas made sure to wear it and whenever he traveled to the human realm, he hoped to run into the mysterious person only to end up disappointed each time. When his daughter had fled to the human world, he didn't expect to run into the angel again. Or find out that the angel WAS and actual angel and that they have been watching over him since that eclipse.

POLL TIME!!!

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laughing-with-god · 3 months

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How would victor jungkook be ?

in terms of what? like yandere or his story?

well, my original plan was that Victor's revenge would be the sequel to Quarter Quell once JK won it and he'd join the other victors. However, I used Taehyung in QQ so it wouldn't make sense if he was also in VR lol. Ofc, i can prob do a rewrite and just replace taehyung in QQ, but idk.

either way, here are some random headcanons for how I picture jk as a Victor

thinks some of the other victors only won on a technicality and doesn't mind making passive-aggressive comments about it

does NOT like being associated with Jin or Jimin's weak asses, thinks they're sneaky little shits who had to rely on tricks bc they would lose in a physical fight

he's very popular as a victor. tbh i think he's the only one who rivals jimin's popularity. the capitol love how bloodthirsty he is. while jimin mainly has female fans, jungkook has a good mix of both since men want to be like JK, and obvi women find him hot

I think he'd do a lot of tv shows and interviews. he knows people value his input for games so I can see him offering his insight on current tributes. remember the scoring system for how tributes would get rated? i can see him being asked to be on the team that assess those.

as a mentor, I think he'd be the type to pick a favorite and only really focus on that kid. he doesn't care if it's heartless, he's not wasting his time on a lost cause just to make them feel better.

I can see him looking at the other kid like "you might as well live it up while you can, you probably aren't gonna make it past the bloodbath."

if by some miracle that kid did survive and win, JK would be like ".....damn, guess I owe you a drink. my bad. welcome to victor's row tho :)"

as a mentor, he will tell his kids to just stick to the career alliance. if for some reason a kid from 2 wanted to align themselves with someone whose not a career, JK would just be like "ur on your own w that" bc ain't no way he's gonna attempt to talk to non career victors who prob hate him

I think he's another victor who splits his time pretty evenly between the capitol and his home district.

does not have to sell his body or anything because he is a capitol fav, but I do think he'll make shitty comments towards jimin

"Hi whore- I mean, Jimin"

yeah those two hate each other lol^^

doesn't really have any triggers or trauma from his games.

if anything he looks back at it with fond memories, which kinda freak the rest of the victors out

I don't think he has any victor friends

thinks jin and jimin are weak, namjoon is too clever for his own good, yoongi is annoying, hoseok is ungrateful and tae is just there...

I think yoongi is the only one who outright tried fighting jk once in a drugged up rage

jk prob made a comment about a tribute from 6.

"I bet if we put morphling in the cornucopia she would've actually survived the bloodbath. all kids from six are just addicts."

yeah yoongi tried punching him for that and Jk wiped the floor with him, namjoon had to get involved

I don't know how he'd spend his winnings tbh. I don't see him being really into anything other than weapons.

As a yandere, i think he'd try really hard to market you guys as the ideal victor couple

he'd def talk anout marrying you and having other victor babies in interviews n shit

"when it comes time for Yn and I to train our kids for the games-"

it's an open secret that the capitol just let JK have you lol

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mooblooms-and-glares · 2 years

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Assorted Rats SMP thoughts as someone who has only watched Owen's POV and is already far too invested:

Owen literally owns this server and he's already breaking his own rules after being mildly inconvenienced for two minutes. "There's no other way out I have to gnaw through the walls!" Bestie you literally came in through a giant opening with vines that could be used to climb out

In love with how Bek's entire character is just "gay for El, so incredibly gay for El, head empty, no thoughts except love women and cry"

Also enjoying how the cast is just the girls, the gays, and two disaster straight men. One of them eats garbage and trauma dumps to strangers, the other is supposedly the safety expert and got caught by the humans immediately

Krow has a British accent for some reason and I love that for it

Who gave Lizzie a knife?

Who gave Jimmy a knife??

WHO GAVE MARTYN A KNIFE???

Owen is living in the rafters, which he has already fallen off of four separate times whilst at full health and went down to half a heart. I can't imagine how this could possibly go wrong.

Scott Smajor continues his tradition of aggressively flirting with every available man within a fifty-mile radius

I have been laughing about Krow mixing up "cottagecore" and "cauliflower" for like ten minutes straight I'm actually deceased

#i'm so attatched this series already #can't wait to waste a million hours watching all 16 individual POVs of the exact same events #shubble please get on the server i need new yorker rat #i hope she's going to be a new yorker rat #rats smp #owengejuicetv #bekyamon #soupforeloise #theorionsound #ldshadowlady #krowfang #jimmy solidarity #martyn inthelitlewood #smajor1995

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doctordragon · 3 months

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TW: institutionalization, assault, transandrophobia, drugging mention

When I was institutionalized, I was violently thrown to the ground and held down by a grown man (I was a minor at the time) because I didn't want to stand in the 'right gendered line' (the facility had 'mixed genders' but they separated boys and girls in different parts of the same room. Couldn't sit on the same couch, or stand in the same line). Afterwards I was cornered and threatened with another violent assault and drugging if I didn't 'behave' (I was never been violent or aggressive the entire time, I just didn't want to stand in the line of my agab, and was even willing to compromise and stand and sit on my own but they weren't willing to compromise with me) by the man who assaulted me.

The kicker? I'm "tme", the staff knew I was afab (and deadnamed and misgendered the whole time too), I'd not even started hormones so I looked at most like a tomboy. But of course I could never understand how evil mental health facilities could be (never mind the long history of punishing and institutionalizing gender non-conformity in afab people, the trans community supports erasure apparently)

Afterwards they told me it was to protect me. Violently assaulting me to "protect" me, that's something distinct about transandrophobia. Had I been transfem, I think it still would have happened, but then they'd try to justify it by saying they're just trying to protect the girls from me. Because transfems are seen as a danger, and transmascs are seen as stupid girls putting themselves in danger (and of course it's okay to hurt them because 'that's what they signed up for', sigh)

My sincerest apologies if this ended up more like a traumadump than an addition which is what it's intended to be. Just know you are not alone.

That's beyond horrific and I'm sorry something awful like that happened to you. Transandrophobia in the healthcare industry is a rampant issue. I have a lot of transmasc friends and pretty much all of them have experienced some sort of medical gatekeeping or violence based on their gender. A lot of it is to "protect" us as well, like T being a controlled substance to protect poor lost women from themselves. As I type this out, I'm almost on my fourth year uninsured without a PCP and unable to get the top surgery I need because my state has a PCP shortage and I'm struggling to find one that will do trans healthcare. I can't get the healthcare I need (stuff that is unrelated to my transness) because I am transgender.

People who use "TME/TMA" repeatedly demonstrate that they don't understand the difficulty of simply existing in the modern world as a trans man. They don't understand that while trans women face their own unique oppression, trans men do as well. We should be focusing on the similarities of our issues, because I always end up relating heavily to my sisters far more than finding I can't understand.

Thank you for sharing. It means a lot to hear your similar experiences and know I'm not alone in my trauma.

#transandrophobia

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damnhotmsimmons · 3 months

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What do you *actually* think will happen in 17?

sorry to take so long with this. I had a rough weekend and needed time to think this through so here is a list of things that "might" happen in s17. Be warned for some passive aggressiveness

the obvious:

More of Garcia being a stubborn bitch: I doubt the show will make her realize how shitty the character was in s16 and continue to derail her character somehow

Garcia being easily forgiven for her hookup with T*ler G*een cause god forbid anyone can be "rightfully" upset at the beloved Penelope Garcia

Tyler Green getting a shit ton of screentime, since he's now a series regular and him being irrelevant in s17

Luke being a glorified extra once again and only getting scraps about his life cause god forbid he and Tara take away any screentime from the beloved white men

More unnecessary screentime of Rossi in pain and suffering

Reid being mentioned a 1000000 times while Matt is forgotten (they haven't mentioned Matt after 16x02)

The gold star storyline being underwhelming

Luke and Tara still being out of focus

Evolution!Garcia being much ruder to Luke, even with their last scene in 16x10, the show will find ways for her to revery back to bullying Luke cause god forbid they let them be happy and less toxic together

Rossi's trauma after being trapped in a container being ignored after 17x01. I mean cm has an obvious track record of ignoring their character's traumas so why stop there

the rest of the characters having ooc moments besides Garcia

Will being mentioned several times by JJ, since Josh isn't coming back to s17

Garcia still having no remorse over her actions in s16 and they get brushed off with no consequences

Another cliffhanger in 17x10

Tyler Green still not dying and disappearing in 17x10

Elias possibly dying or disappearing before Tyler Green in 17x10

Emily missing out on fun team bonding moments cause of "work", based on the bts photo with everyone

Tyler Green trying to be "friendly" and helpful with everyone on the team

Tyler also having no remorse for sleeping with Garcia, a federal agent and not caring that there could be repercussions especially if the case goes on trial

The Gold Star Storyline being about Rossi, and the show trying to showhorn Tyler Green into the mix

More swearing from the characters

Tyler Green trying to "win" Garcia back

Luke still giving heart eyes

Luke still not getting a storyline, cause god forbid cm gives him more screentime than any of the white men

Shit, I almost forgot, JJ being calm and chill regarding Will despite seeing him get shot (despite surviving) with the same thing as Rossi and his ptsd

50/50 chance of happening:

JJ having slightly less screentime than s16 due to Will not appearing in s17, and the writers not knowing what to do with JJ that doesn't revolve around her and her husband and sons

Emily's "storyline" revolving around Bailey. Just cause he's dead, doesn't mean that the show isn't gonna stop having the women's storylines focus on anything else but the men around them. I do understand why Emily would be the most affected by his death despite their differences as the two were close but I don't want Bailey's death to take up all of Emily's storyline in s17, idk if that makes sense, like I don't want it to be the only thing s17 has for Emily. All we know that Emily goes through some "serious shit" which could mean anything

more random Tara and Rebecca drama, assuming if Nicole comes back

The garvez/greencia love triangle taking up more screentime than necessary, especially with Tyler Green being a "main" character

Elias Voit becoming Cat Adams 2.0, ruining an interesting villain by having him overstay his welcome longer than needed, not helped that Zach is also promoted to series regular, a first time they did that with an unsub and I don't understand why, despite interviews stating Elias' role in s17 being a hannibal lecter type role

Elias finding out about Garcia and Tyler Green's relationship and using it as leverage and preventing the BAU from prosecuting him for his crimes, which is why the

Garcia defending Tyler Green, moreso in front of Luke whenever he has any valid criticisms of him

Luke and Tyler having a verbal argument of some sort and it leads to a "fallout" between Luke and Garcia

The characters wearing more browns and grays

50/50 of fans and viewers being disappointed and let down

Person behind the door at the cliffhanger being anyone but Reid

Elias only interacting with Rossi

Bailey having more screentime than Luke and Tara despite him being dead and only in flashbacks or hallucinations

Garcia being conflicted about getting back together with Tyler

Garcia bragging about her therapy sessions once again

JJ's storyline revolving around her sons and some unnecessary drama to the boys, especially Henry. Him either getting bullied or anxious for whatever reason, not to mention his concern for his parent's safety and it gets brushed off after an episode or two

Tara and Rebecca possibly reconciling before breaking up, again

This is all I have so far, might update this if I come up with something else. Again, sorry for the passive aggressiveness, I'm still bitter about certain things in s16

@snailsandpuppy-dogtails, you're welcome to add more to this

@missmitchieg, @blackbird-brewster, @gaelic-symphony, @bacchicly, @baubeautyandthegeek, feel free to add more to this

#criminal minds #criminal minds evolution #david rossi #jennifer jareau #penelope garcia #tara lewis #luke alvez #emily prentiss #elias voit #tyler green #rebecca wilson

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soloorganaas · 2 years

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what are your thoughts about sirius black and gender and class and trauma and toxic relationships and british homophobia and mental illness and kill the gays tropes and the suffocation of hope and found family

ALRIGHT DANI LETS GO

exec summary: JKR’s class anxiety is a big part of her bigotry and her punishment of characters who run away from her. it shapes a specific set of rules, which Sirius breaks in more ways than most other characters, and it draws out a hatred from JKR that leads her to punish him through her writing in painfully particular ways. that includes inflicting brutal tragedy on the heavily implied/coded queer relationship he has with remus, in a kill your gays trope that is peak 90s/00s. and so Sirius’s storyline overall becomes a morality lesson for queer/enby/neurodivergent kids that teaches them whatever love or found family they have will inevitably be destroyed - and they deserve it

~ spicy meta essay below the cut ~

JKR and class anxiety

class divides people in the UK to such an extreme extent its bizarre for people outside to conceptualise. like most of Europe we had centuries of strict class hierarchies, but ours never got entirely broken down because we never got rid of the royal family and aristocracy. class is such a strong form of division that we truly 'other' people from another class to us and generally avoid the excruciating ordeal of mixing with someone from a class different to us. this isn’t always the case - i know people reading this will feel differently - but it is predominant in the middle class

middle class in the UK is entirely different to the US. it's not at all about income, it's about identity markers that signal you are better, more well to-do, more refined than people of a lower class than you. the majority of the UK are working class, so the middle class work hard at the idea they're better than everybody. except, obviously, the upper class, who they will never be as good as under these rules, so instead they aggressively enforce them to try and cling onto power over those below them. think white Republican women

the middle class enforce this generally through keeping everyone and everything in a nice and tidy box. a good education, a respectable job, a large (but not extravagant! that would be chavvy) house, nice (but not flashy! also chavvy) cars, modest and neat clothes that don't draw too much attention, excruciating and often fake politeness. the most important thing in being middle class is not drawing attention to yourself. if you're loud, if your appearance is out of the norm, if you're queer or trans, if you're disabled, if you're neurodivergent, then god help you. you will be abused and shunned (i'm not joking, this happened to me by my school). this interacts with race in a very complicated way which i am absolutely not qualified to speak on, and isn’t relevant to Sirius, so I won’t be attempting to talk about it - but I don’t want to erase the fact that it exists.

JKR grew up working class but gained so much wealth and notoriety in an educated profession that she shifted to middle class, which is unusual to the point of being forbidden. so when she wrote the later books especially, her need to firmly, clearly follow middle class rules in order to gain acceptance bleeds through her writing

JKR hates Sirius

Sirius breaks every single one of nice middle class rules. every single one. and offensively so. and she hates him for it. I don't think it's a coincidence she only made him a shunned aristocrat until she became famous and classism rose to the forefront - she wanted that power for herself, and she'd never have it, so she punished him for it

Sirius is loud. he's brash. he's talkative. he's argumentative. he's mentally ill. he's neurodivergent. he's gay. he doesn't give a fuck about gender roles. he's extreme, coded a thousand times over as manic depressive. he's unapologetic about all of it. and she can't stand it. no one is allowed to be like that - and especially not the madman side character she created just to provide some spicy background for Harry

so JKR does what every bigoted classist Brit does in this situation and silently, viciously, hatefully and passive aggressively punishes Sirius. she has every character shame him for all his rule-breaking traits by patronising him, looking down on him, criticising him, humiliating him, belittling him, all because he is apparently incapable of being trusted by normal society. Molly is literally JKR's mouthpiece for this, passively aggressively keeping Sirius in line, and getting away with it because she's so sweet and loveable no one ever sees her as a bigot. I have met one hundred thousand women like in her my lifetime. so has JKR. she knew exactly what she was doing

why would these characters turn on him like this, though? Sirius is highly competent, incredibly intelligence and very astute, as shown over the previous books, and both the characters and readers know that. so it has to be something else, something that overrides all of that

it's because of who he is, and that's what we absorb between the lines of the book. that who Sirius is is wrong, and people like him will inevitably be shunned by society around them

12GP, mental illness and Sirius's death

Sirius is (quite literally) characterised as mad, and it's used as a justification for punishing him. by OotP his rebelliousness is explained as a sign of instability. and by god - that instability is toxic. so he's locked in a madhouse for his own good (to keep him alive! to protect Harry!). he's then tortured as painfully as possible to drive him even madder, leading him to the inevitable conclusion of bringing about his own death through his irresponsibility. he has to die, because he has to face the consequences for rebelling

the way that JKR weaves his rule-breaking and depiction of "madness" together is intentional, and truly vile. it's evident in the sharp contrast of his characterisation in PoA/GoF and OotP. he's coded as mentally ill and neurodivergent from the first time we hear of him. he's portrayed as a man of manic depressive extremes (I wrote a bipolar meta here talking about this in more detail), and is clearly suffering from PTSD. we can assume this continues in GoF

alongside all of this, he is so smart, competent and compassionate he manages to keep himself alive and hidden from the ministry whilst living outdoors, basically figures out the entire GoF plot through newspapers and a few rushed conversations through the fire, and is single-mindedly dedicated to his godson

in OotP he is a fundamentally different person - not in a way that is caused by mental illness, but genuine changes in his core character, however it’s still characterised as mental illness. so it becomes justifiable to punish him, to restrict him, to criticise and curtail and humiliate him

and most of all the traits JKR hates about Sirius so much are part and parcel of being bipolar (and also having ADHD, which he's implied to have as well). bipolar people are capable of extraordinary feats when we're manic, which aren't always bad - like, for example, breaking out of a wizarding prison! being on the run for two years just for take care of your godson! we feel everything incredibly deeply - like, for example, devotion to the point of death for your friends, strong emotional reactions to them being mistreated! we have tendencies towards being incredibly creative, smart, and making intellectual leaps that are impossible for other people, all of which are traits Sirius has that make him such an extraordinary wizard, and person. he literally wouldn't be who he is without neurodivergence, and yet JKR portrays it as an entirely negative characterisation, a punishable offence

kill the gays - queer and mentally ill people will never be happy, and they don't deserve to be

Sirius and Remus's story is about two traumatised, scared, lonely kids doomed to be outcasts forever, until they find acceptance and love in found family, and each other. that is the story of every fucking queer kid growing up before like 2015, and everyone now who doesn't live in a liberal town. we look at that story and we know it, we feel it in our bones. i could will write an essay about this in itself but for now:

the way that that story should play out is Sirius and Remus getting to grow up and begin adulthood in a stable environment where they can slowly unlearn their trauma, toxic coping mechanisms and/or terrible relationship models, and form a healthy, mature and long-lasting relationship with each other. but they don't get the chance to do that, because of the First War, and instead their unstable and immature relationship is put under an existential pressure it could never have survived

okay. but then we should be able to see them slowly, if painfully, recover from and/or learn to live with the impacts of that war and eventually get to a stable place where they can deal with their formative trauma as well. except Sirius goes off to be tortured for 12 years, and Remus is sentenced to living as a lonely, isolated and unsupported outcast, who’s lost everything good that he gained in his life

okay... but then when they're finally released from this slice of hell frozen in time for 12 years, they should be able to spend the rest of their lives, guess what? fucking recovering from it all, and maybe, perhaps, being able to salvage a healthy relationship from it. instead they get thrust into another war, where every bit of trauma they've already gone through is magnified, and they have one (1) year together in absolutely awful circumstances before Sirius is killed

at every single turn in their story queer and/or ND people are taught that they will never find safety. they will never be given a reprieve and the chance of stability and happiness they see others have. it's not on the cards for them. it is simply not possible. JKR hams this home three fucking times. it’s brutal. it’s vicious. it’s beyond what anyone should ever have to go through. it’s entirely unnecessary for the plot. it is just punishing them for who they are

it’s a trope we all know well from that era, but the fact that it’s used as a punishment for so many other aspects of Sirius's character is what makes it so doubly awful

conc

nothing about what JKR did to Sirius was an accident. it was deliberate, it was targeted. and it has very, very real impacts on kids growing up reading those books

we should be learning that what makes us different is nothing to be ashamed of, that everyone is different in some way, that difference is all a matter of perspective, that you should be allowed to express every aspect of who you are without so much as a comment, let alone stigma. we should be learning that in a world which doesn't afford us that luxury, we can still build our own sanctuary where we can have that, full of found family and meaningful, lasting love. we should be seeing people like us unlearn the harmful ideas they absorbed growing up so we learn how to do that as well; we should be learning what people like us look like in relationships; we should be made to believe, in our very bones, that happiness is possible for us

instead we watch someone who we see ourselves in be tortured, humiliated, punished and denied every ounce of happiness until their premature death

Sirius deserved better, we all deserved better, and i'll never be quiet for a fucking moment about it lest this wrongdoing go ignored

#finally answering this #it required SO much thought #and it made me really sad #so it took a minute #but it's important #sirius black #wolfstar #harry potter #ty for the ask bb #ch: we choose who we really are #hp #hp meta #meta

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 11 months

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By: Miriam Grossman, M.D.

Published: July 11, 2023

An extract from her new book Lost in Trans Nation: A Child Psychiatrist’s Guide Out of the Madness

James is sporting a scruffy beard. Sarah wears skirts and doesn’t care about pronouns. Taylor wants to talk about college, not testosterone.

These small changes—all seen or reported to me recently by patients or their parents—are big.

In my book I’ve described monumental struggles and grief, but I want you to know there’s hope. Young people and their families can be helped with therapy.

They can slow their pace on the assembly line that leads to harm; some even step off. They can accept, even enjoy their bodies. It’s far from guaranteed and not always an easy road, but it’s possible.

How do I treat my gender-distressed patients? The same way I treat any other: with respect, empathy, curiosity, honesty, and with their lifelong happiness and well-being foremost in my mind.

I begin with, Tell me about yourself. I want to know who you are.

My patients have been led to believe they face a simple issue with a simple solution. I explain that it isn’t so. They are, like all people, a huge, complex tapestry, of which gender occupies just a small corner. The entire tapestry interests me, not only the one corner.

We’ll talk about gender, of course, but instead of automatic affirmation, we will look deeper.

Go deeper

We will try to determine what living as the opposite sex accomplishes. How will it make life better or easier? Is the new identity about becoming someone new, or fleeing who they are? Granted, some of my questions may make patients uncomfortable, but this is the biggest decision of their lives, and it deserves a close, careful look.

I look at my patient’s family. Is there conflict in her home, an ill parent or sibling? I determine if she has a psychiatric condition such as anxiety, depression, OCD, ADD, psychosis, or if she’s on the autism spectrum or has some other form of neurodiversity.

Is there a history of adoption, trauma or abuse? Social awkwardness or bullying? Attraction to the same sex? Is the trans identity a way of exploring themselves separate from their family, a normal task of adolescence, taken to an extreme?

There may be stereotypical beliefs about men and women that are mistaken. He may think he’s not “manly” and won’t find love or acceptance as he is. Maybe she or someone she loves was harmed, she feels helpless against male aggression, and for that reason seeks to flee femininity. Perhaps he or she fears growing up.

The point is: being “trans” is a solution—a coping mechanism—but to which problem? That’s the mystery we solve together.

One of my primary responsibilities is education. I am older and wiser, and that benefits my patients. One line that’s effective with know-it-all-adolescents: “Your sixteen? I’m 116.” Over my decades of practice, I learned many things, one of which is that people change. A leftist turns around and votes conservative. Couples once madly in love, certain about marriage, now are at each other’s throats. A woman who couldn’t have been more certain about aborting, twenty years later she’s childless and rethinking that decision.

People change, I tell my patients. You’re going to change too.

Another wisdom I share is that being human means struggling. It means living with limitations and weaknesses. You’re not the first person to hate your body, feel disconnected from your parents, and lack a place of belonging. You’re not the first human being to experience confusion, pain and loneliness.

Under some circumstances I might share a hardship of my own. Even more important is to reveal difficulties to a patient, at the moment. In doing so, she or he learns I have tough moments too, but they can be managed.

For example, if I fear a patient’s response, I might say: “I must tell you something, but I have mixed feelings about it, because of how you may react.” The patient learns I too have fear of conflict; I feel unsure just like she does. I’ve demonstrated how I tolerate those emotions.

A patient needs to feel safe and understood. It’s in that trusting and honest space between us that healing begins.

I try to model thoughtfulness, humility, and especially compassion. We must have compassion for ourselves and others—including our parents. They too are human, with limitations and struggles. They’re doing, or did the best they could, and it wasn’t all bad.

Ultimately the choice is theirs, I tell my patients, their identity is in their hands. At the same time, whether they’re requesting new pronouns or surgery, there are risks. I’m obligated to point out what they are doing has massive implications. What will their lives be like in ten, twenty, fifty years? There may be a high price to pay.

youtube

[ Video: Dr. Grossman charts Europe’s shift to caution on youth gender medicine ]

Red flags aflutter

I remind patients that as a physician, I have a profound appreciation for the body’s wisdom. They may think they have all the information they need, they may be convinced they’re knowledgeable about social and medical interventions, but I know they don’t and they’re not. From new names to mastectomies and vaginoplasties, they must understand the risks and the controversy.

If I neglect to delineate those risks and the current debate, I’m not doing my job. What if he or she comes back crying, Look what I’ve done to myself, why didn’t you warn me? Speaking of risks, that’s one I am unwilling to take.

I strongly encourage gender-distressed patients to at some point read detransitioners’ stories or watch their videos. When patients are unwilling to do so, or are unable to hear about the dangers of medicalizing, or if they claim to be unconcerned and confident, those are red flags. All of us have some degree of doubt when we face major decisions. Every decision has plusses and minuses. To be confident and wrong is dangerous.

It’s also my job to gently challenge and plant seeds. Being from an older generation, I ask my young patients to define the new language and explain their beliefs. I am curious. I want to learn from them. If their definitions or explanations don’t satisfy me, I’ll say so.

The goal is to recognise everyone is a mosaic of male and female. Honour the mosaic and leave the body alone. And to parents: You must respect your child’s mosaic, too. He or she may not match your ideas about masculinity and femininity.

When I said earlier my approach to transgender-identifying patients is just like with any other patient, I omitted a salient point. There is one huge difference. After their brief weekly sessions, my patients return to their friends, schools, and social media—a world bound to the Articles of Faith, which enshrine Gender Identity as sacred and forbid any questioning.

It’s daunting, to say the least, to build a connection with heavily indoctrinated patients. They’ve heard over and over there’s one answer to their predicament—transition. They cannot tolerate the doubts I plant.

The hurdle may be insurmountable. Zoe was an eleventh grader attending a Boston school where the cost of tuition was higher than the median yearly household income. Her mother informed me that in middle school, Zoe and her friends all declared themselves LGBT, they just hadn’t decided which letter.

Once I tried to inform Zoe that due to safety concerns, a minor like herself living in Sweden or Finland would not have access to puberty blockers. She placed her hands over her ears and hollered: “Don’t tell me about trans kids who can’t get medical care! Don’t you know fifty per cent of us try to commit suicide?”

To her accusation of being transphobic, I responded “I’m anti-suffering, not anti-trans.” I could almost sense her friends and influencers in the room with us, scowling at me. She refused to meet again.

In my many years as a physician, I’ve had patients with severe schizophrenia, untreatable cancer, and other serious conditions. No one ever fired me. Do you see why I say fighting dangerous ideas has been harder than fighting dangerous diseases?

When the young person has pledged allegiance to the Articles of Faith, the challenge facing parents and therapists is brutal. Parents who’ve yet to face the predicament, please listen to the mothers and fathers of kids with Rapid-Onset Gender Dysphoria.

Many of them say flat-out: they are living in hell, and they want to warn and teach you before you’re in their shoes. They are reaching out to save you from the impossible position they’re in—a child announcing that in order for me to stay in this family, you must support my self-harm.

These are the parents who—when they catch a glimpse of you at a park or shopping mall holding the hands of your toddler or school-age sons and daughters who are still attached to you, still trusting you—feel a stab in their hearts: If only you knew what may be ahead.

Your children are like a sponge, ready to absorb whatever comes their way. They are a work in progress, and you are their scaffolding, providing support and structure. If you don’t provide a belief system, a compass, or some meaningful foundation from which to understand the world, identify truth and lies, and know right and wrong, trust me—others are waiting eagerly to do just that. Before you know it, your child is a pawn, a foot soldier in a foreign crusade of dark and dangerous ideas, and you’re the toxic parent with a home that’s unsafe.

#Miriam Grossman #gender ideology #therapy #queer theory #gender cult #self harm #mental health issues #mental health crisis #mental health #mental health care #Lost in Trans Nation #religion is a mental illness #Youtube

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lafcadiosadventures · 10 months

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Madame Putiphar Readalong. Book Two, Chapter XVIII:

Themes in this chapter, some new, some recurring:

Women.

False friendships

Common folk adopting the views and mentality of the authorities that oppress them

Explicit critique of Honour as a masque of masculinity

Debby’s almost supernatural perceptiveness

Francesco Hayez' study and oil painting Accusa segreta from his Vendetta triptych

This chapter is all about Patrick and Deborah not communicating verbally. They have to recur to guessing each other’s (bad) moods from their expressions and attitudes since hiding the bad stuff is a habit for them. If they had been more open, they might have been safer from the immense threats closing in all around them, and they would have found comfort in each other’s love. As @counterwiddershins observed, this silence is what endangers them the most. And this chapter will display how the lovers keep trying to protect each other by not being wholly sincere.

Debby is still visibly distressed from Villepastour’s attack. Patrick finally gets back home (from being detained in a cell for the night by Villepastour) and he worries about her once he sets his eyes on her, despite her remaining silent. She won’t talk about what happened to her, since she is afraid of how he’d react. She chooses to keep the fact that a powerful man is set on raping her, has gone as far as to break into their house, to herself. She fears Patrick’s tendency to terror and rage, and fears to cause him anguish. She even suspects Patrick might get jealous. This is not the first time Debby has chosen to stay silent when being subjected to sexual aggression. She fears causing a scene and having church goers/the neighbours think she is the provocateuse, now she fears Patrick having an emotional reaction that will be harmful to him... Debby lives in fear of what others will think of her, of hurting her love. She puts her own feelings and safety well behind those other worries.

Borel inserts a rather silly line about how frivolous women are guilty of making their lovers jealous on purpose/when it’s appropriate to make a lover jealous (aka: never when a lover has Patrick’s passionate temperament) but Debby would never, because she is literally, not like the other girls.

This talk of jealousy seems out of place here... surely once again Debby is wrong -like when she has suspected Patrick had been the one stabbing her, instead of Chris- in assuming Patrick would be jealous of Villepastour? (jealousy might be mixed in a spontaneous reaction, but surely there are graver things at stake here??) We have seen Patrick speak explicitly against stereotypical macho behaviour. Either Debby knows things about him the reader does not, or more plausibly, the trauma from her long exposure to the violence of her father has made her secretly expect similar behaviour from any man.

(I literally don’t know what to do with these common sense rubbish, madonna/whore complex statements. Knowing how Borel frequently pretends to espouse ideas he will later contradict, it’s tempting to think he is playing with the reader once more, but so far there’s no indication that he is doing that. There’s a clear line drawn by him between Debby and the women of the court who use their sexuality for their social ascent, for example. The women of the court are all lumped together and there’s no distinction made between them.)

Then Patrick reveals Fitz-Harris has been arrested for composing songs against la Pompadour. In the heat of the moment Debbie reacts with joy at his arrest. Because she “instinctively” dislikes him, and because she thinks this is as case of fuck around and see what happens. She implicitly agrees that it’s good for Fitz-Harris to become a victim of censorship of the state/arrested sans trial by Sartine for composing a satirical song against Mme P. (she repents when Patrick tells her there’s no way of knowing if he’d ever be released)

Patrick is disgusted at how the other soldiers take the side of the authorities. Even the guys who were Fitz-Harris’ former “friends” when he was free. We see here the recurring theme of false friendships -an evil only the confort of the grave can make humanity immune from, as the prologue poem pointed out. Another recurring theme that is shown through this situation, is the common folk taking the side of their oppressors. We had seen this before in Tralee, with the Irish high and middle classes, attending the trials of their fellow countrymen -some of which were revolutionaries fighting for freedom from imperial England-taking the side of the English and enjoying the day wearing their Sunday’s best as if it were a parade. (Patrick also reveals the men used to sing vulgar songs against Pompadour themselves,,, afer Harris' arrest, they talk of her as if they always respected her)(Patrick says the men are taking revenge against Harris’ envious nature... but I’d say it’s worse than that, it’s more than that too. They’re taking the side of the powerful against a peer who’s a victim of power abuse, no matter how petty and idiotic he was. They are defending the right of a tyranny to incarcerate without the due process, anyone who speaks against any member of the court)

Patrick proceeds to critique the notion of honour explicitly this time (he did implicitly when refusing Fitz-Harris’ duel challenge) Honour, understood as the soldiers do, is, as it was for Villepastour, a patina a soldier or a nobleman wears, an empty word, a destructive force too, mere macho posturing: once a bro’s reputation is damaged, there is no law of honour binding them to the fallen man:

“These gentlemen, who have made a law out of avenging themselves with swords, avenge themselves with their tongues quite a lot too. These gentlemen, who have made a law of honour out of seeking to end anybody’s life, even a friend’s, were they to offend them by accident, have not, as it appears, a law of honour to not crush an absent man, and to not strike a stricken man. Not one has expressed regret, not one had the slightest laudable thought in his favour. Cursed be the man who has only befriended people who fear him for his arm and tongue! If he falls they would applaud. The lumberjacks have barely chopped down an oak tree under which the fearful cattle used to hide at the slightest storm, that it immediately runs to graze and destroy the branches that had so often lent it a generous shade.”

(excerpt from @sainteverge ‘s translation)

These last words fill Debby with both pride and trepidation. She cannot let Patrick risk himself for an unworthy man.

However, strangely, they both believe he CAN rescue him. They think that if he explains to Pompadour why she has acted wrongly/or, why someone acted wrongly on her behalf without her being aware, she will understand and rectify the harm. Debby only doesn't want him to because she thinks it’s not worthy, because Harris doesn’t deserve it and in his place would never do the same for him. Neither of them thinks this could be dangerous for Patrick, and futile really... I am sorry to say they should know better by now. They are intimately aware of the power the nobles wield -they have had the examples of Cockermouth, Villepastour, even the libertine Bishop who has helped Patrick’s social ascent-... but they are naif enough to think mme P might be secretly a kind lady....

Debby also sums up Fitz-Harris' character, calls him a treacherous man, a betrayer of his brothers. Patrick doesn't contradict her. Her evaluation is so accurate he wonders if she knows/has heard about what happened between him and Harris. She hasn’t. Patrick was ready to believe she had supernatural powers, she thinks it’s the sensitivity and frailty of her body which enables her clairvoyance, she responds to sensitive vibrations (it’s interesting how neither of them justify this “second sight” via her being intelligent and observant, is the idea of “female intuition” lurking behind this?)

#madame putiphar #long post #text post

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wackywriterwhowriteswhenever · 2 years

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Seven Favorite Movies — Spooky Edition!

@poweredbycreativityandcake tagged me to list my seven favorite movies. As it’s October, I’m gonna list seven of my horror movies/film series!

1. Scream

Scream is my all-time favorite horror franchise. I absolutely love all of the films and there’s not one I don’t like. I’m not a fan of the TV series since I haven’t watched it much, but I don’t think I will since it doesn’t involve Ghostface (not season three of course) and more importantly, the legacy characters. I’ve loved every movie in this series and it’s the only horror series where every year, I watch all the entries. I have mixed feelings about Scream 6 since Neve Campbell won’t be in it, but I am willing to give it a chance.

2. Halloween

I love most of the movies in the Halloween series. My two favorite timelines are the David Gordon Green Thrillogy: Halloween (original film), Halloween 2018, Halloween Kills and Halloween Ends; Sister Trilogy: Halloween (original film), Halloween II (1981) and Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (Resurrection does NOT exist in my book). I love the brilliance of David Gordon Green’s films and the effects trauma can have on an individual person as well as a community. And of course you can’t beat the Scream Queen, Jamie Lee Curtis.

3. Wes Craven’s New Nightmare

This film is highly underrated. I love how absolutely meta it is and it’s the perfect film to lead up to Scream. Heather Langenkamp gives her finest performance in this film and Wes Craven shows his brilliance throughout the entire movie. I would argue that this movie is the exception of a sequel being better than the original. I adore this movie so much!

4. Psycho

This gem set off the slasher craze. Janet Leigh gives an incredible performance as Marion Crane and she’s arguably the OG Scream Queen. Psycho paved the way for future slasher films and it’s such a classic. I love its subtlety and how it doesn’t give everything away, not even Norman Bates’ motive.

5. The Lost Boys

I often say The Lost Boys is the only valid vampire movie. Vampires DO NOT sparkle, nor are they aggressively good looking. They are violent killers who should be feared. The Lost Boys perfectly captures this. It’s a classic vampire movie and the stakes are high during it. Definitely a movie to watch in October!

6. Ghostbusters (2016)

The sexists and racists of the internet won’t like this, but I fucking love the 2016 Ghostbusters. It’s funny as hell and it’s a beautifully shot film. And an all-women ghostbusters team will forever be more iconic than the original team. I said what I said

7. The Monster Squad

This is probably one of the most underrated films ever. It’s essentially Spooky Goonies with a group of kids starting a club for monster hunting. The movie even stars The Goonies mom. It’s a fun movie featuring Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, The Creature from the Black Lagoon, Werewolf Man and The Mummy. It’s such a fun film and perfect for those who don’t wanna be scared.

Tagging some folks. Absolutely not pressure to participate! @willthecleric @william-byers @jesper-faheyss @byliever @estelinhabb @w1llb7ers

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mahvaladara · 1 year

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6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

22. What does your character like in other people?

23. What does your character dislike in other people?

41. Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

For Arlo please.

6. As a child Arlo often had precognitive dreams. He still has them, but due to the rot his dreams are a bit more muddled. But Arlo has a lot of nightmares.

When Arlo dreams, he often dreams of the starry night sky, dragons and star moths, which are Astreia's variant of fireflies, but they're moths. The dream about moths symbolize both his death and rebirth. The dragons are Fannar and the heartlight. The night sky are his own feelings of being in the dark.

7. Things Arlo often has nightmares about: Fannar, Apollo, murky water and him drowning on said water, being raped, being attacked, being chased, gore and maggots. All his dreams are associated with intense feelings of guilt, shame and self-hatred/self-loathing, mixed in with past trauma and current fears and insecurities.

22. Physical attributes: A gentle smile; a different nose; beautiful eyes; silky hair; a nice physique; a lean and slim or muscular body.

Emotional/psychological attributes: Someone's who's understanding and empathetic, but wise and confident. Someone who is patient and willing to listen to him. Above all, someone who will listen to him. Someone who sees him, who sees the scared little boy who just wanted a friend to listen to him.

23. Personality wise: Know-it-alls. People who are self-righteous, boyscouts and lawful to a fault. He dislikes people who are forceful, certain they are always right, aggressive and violent and outspoken.

Physical wise: People who smell, old men, old women, especially rich old men and women. People who look dirty. Anyone who looks like they could be one of his back alley clients back in the day when he was trying to pay rent in Evergreen.

41. He doesn't believe to deserve anything at all, even if he works for it. Well, he used to believe in merit, that if you worked hard you deserved to achieve you objectives. But nothing worked out for him and after fucking up so royally, he doesn't believe to be worthy of anything at all, even if he works for it. He sees himself as a maggot, and like a maggot, he only deserves rot, decay and to be punished.

#arlo #character development

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cannibalcreeps · 2 years

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Any specific Deacon headcanons?

Oooh~

Yes I sure do 😏 HCs for a character that has barely anything going for them lol.

-----------------

* Personally I think he can talk and just chooses not too, either from punishments from his father if he ever spoken back or said something rude, but he also may have a lack of vocabulary, getting called stupid for not sounding smart enough for them would make one just not want to speak ever again. If he ever chose to say something, his voice is soft and almost a horsed, croaky whisper.

* Our boy Deacon likes to book press leaves and flowers, whenever he gets the chance to wonder through the forest mountains he will pick and collect any flora he comes across, it's a nice simple hobby when he isn't cleaning up his tools and knives.

* Has a strong imagination, if he wasn’t brought up and treated the was he is was, Deacon could have been quite the artist, possibly enjoying a mix of painting and sculpting. Though never to late for him. Downside to his imagination is he clearly has issues with delusions and not being able to differentiate fantasy and reality at times which causes him to act out and get into trouble.

* Man has religious trauma thanks to his father and sister from both physical and mental abuse, the manipulation and lies, though he doesn’t know it. He has such a fear towards his family and God, believing that the bad things he was doing were good and made the God and his family happy and pleased with him.

* He doesn't truly love his sister and father, in fact finds them repulsive and it makes him feel a heavy guilt as he doesn't want to have negative feelings towards those who are meant to be his family and is afraid he would be punished for it. But the mental and physical abuse they inflicted onto him has only made him fear and despise them in secret.

* He longs for companionship, his desire to just have anyone want him skews senses in mistaking small things like a nervous smile or soft tone from a scared woman mean’s she likes him. He mostly is interested in women, from his upbringing he’s been taught the whole ‘Only women and men can marry and be together’ it would take a lot of time to even have him consider men or anyone else.

* Blood, gore, killing and torture doesn’t phase him, he doesn’t feel guilt towards his actions to strangers since he’s been taught all his life that certain people his father and sister don’t like deserve it for being ‘sinful’. Though he does question his family on their judgement on who is sinful or not, but keeps these questions to himself. But having a fleshy punching bag that is another man does help with any pent up aggressions and frustrations, or even possible jealousy if he desires after that man’s partner.

* 100% this man is mega virgin and needs to go to therapy.

#I will say i have only watched this movie like once and it's been MONTHS so i'm trying to remember as much as I can as it was -#a pretty bad fucking movie and Deacon deserve so much more #mostly mad cause they just turned him into your stereotypical quiet deformed henchman who attempts SA #wasn't even the main antagonist of the film #the damn sister was xD #tbh i've forgotten if he can talk or not but i am suuuure he never spoke or said anything

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cyberbenb · 11 months

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David Kirichenko: Russia’s historical atrocities echo in its ongoing war

Russia’s full-scale war exposes the terrifying horrors that come as no surprise, given the long history of Russian atrocities committed against Ukraine. The deliberate infliction of severe physical and psychological pain and suffering by the Russian army upon Ukrainian civilians and prisoners of war reveals the expansion of Russia’s historical agenda to eradicate the Ukrainian people and their identity.

With Russia shamelessly displaying its genocidal efforts, negotiating peace with such an aggressor will only allow Russia’s evil to persist into the future.

Volodymyr Vynnychenko, who served as Ukraine’s first prime minister from 1918 to 1919, profoundly captured the essence of Ukrainian history as an agonizing chronicle of unimaginable suffering, stating that it was impossible to read Ukrainian history without taking bromide (once used as a sedative) because it was so “painful, horrible, bitter and sad.”

Oksana Lutsyshyna: Every wave is for you

Now it seems to me like I always knew Vika Amelina. This past week has been hellish – a mix of anticipation, knowing, and the impossibility of reconciling with this knowledge. How can I imagine life without her now? Where do I even begin? We met in 2014 in New York

The Kyiv IndependentOksana Lutsyshyna

Much of Ukraine’s historical suffering is due to Russia and its never-ending slaughter of the Ukrainian people.

Reports by a UN Commission have documented distressing patterns of rape and sexual violence inflicted on Ukrainians throughout the war. Russian forces have repeatedly employed widespread sexual violence to instill fear and intimidate the most vulnerable members of society, including children and the elderly, who have become primary targets.

The report documented that a Russian soldier forced a four-year-old girl to perform oral sex on him before her parents. An 83-year-old woman also described how she was raped by a Russian serviceman in front of her physically disabled husband.

There have been reports of Russian soldiers using window sealant to irreparably harm raped women, denying them the ability to bear children. During the summer of the previous year, a disturbing video circulated depicting a Russian soldier wearing blue surgical gloves while castrating a Ukrainian prisoner.

At the start of Russia’s full-scale invasion, Ukraine’s then ombudsman for human rights, Lyudmyla Denisova, said, “About 25 girls and women aged 14 to 24 were systematically raped during the occupation in the basement of one house in Bucha. Nine of them are pregnant. Russian soldiers told them they would rape them to the point where they wouldn’t want sexual contact with any man, to prevent them from having Ukrainian children."

The barbarism displayed by Russian forces extends beyond sexual violence.

Recent revelations from the United Nations and various sources expose state-endorsed torture as a deliberate and systematic weapon of war by Russian soldiers. Electric shocks, beatings, hooding, mock executions, and even castration are among the sadistic practices employed. Such levels of sadism have led Mikhailo Podolyak, an advisor to the Ukrainian president, to accurately describe Russia as “a country of cannibals who enjoy torture and murder."

Ukraine’s Prosecutor General’s Office has unequivocally stated that Russia’s aggression against Ukraine extends far beyond that of a conventional military conflict. It depicts Russia’s actions as a calculated strategy to annihilate the Ukrainian populace.

Russia’s weaponization of sexual violence is identified as a key tool in propagating a state of dread, leading to profound distress and the spread of fear among the population. This tactic is designed to cause severe physical, emotional, and psychological harm, imparting enduring trauma on survivors, and ensuring a lifetime of suffering. The ultimate goal is the destruction of their collective morale and the quelling of their resistance.

Women attend a protest called ‘Rape Is a War Crime’ in front of the Consulate General of Russia in Krakow, Poland, on May 8, 2022. A day before “Victory Day” celebrated by Russians to commemorate the victory of World War II, protesters representing rape victims stood in silence to demonstrate against violence and brutal rapes of Ukrainan women and children by Russians soldiers during the ongoing invasion on Ukraine. (Photo by Beata Zawrzel/NurPhoto via Getty Images)

It is crucial to grasp the significance of these atrocious acts, as they go beyond isolated incidents and form part of Russia’s enduring pattern of aggression toward Ukraine.

Throughout its expansive history, the Russian state has consistently displayed a disconcerting willingness to employ extreme violence against Ukrainians and suppress their aspirations for freedom. A poignant illustration of this historical aggression can be traced back to the Great Northern War in the 18th century.

In response to an uprising in Ukraine in 1708, Russia unleashed a brutal onslaught on the Hetmanate’s capital, Baturyn. The city was leveled, and the population was subject to a horrific massacre that claimed the lives of an estimated 15,000 people, including innocent women and children. Russian troops committed heinous acts such as looting, razing buildings to the ground, and even using the bodies of leading Cossacks in a chilling display of power, floating them down the river for all to see.

After the October Revolution in 1917, the Ukrainian People’s Republic courageously declared its independence from Russia in 1918. Vladimir Lenin and the Bolshevik regime wasted no time in suppressing Ukrainian nationalism and consolidating their power. In their relentless pursuit to dominate the nation, Lenin’s forces waged a brutal war against the Ukrainian people, resulting in the merciless massacre of hundreds, if not thousands, of citizens. Even prominent figures such as Metropolitan Vladimir of the Orthodox Church fell victim to Russia’s ruthless campaign to seize control of the country.

The Holodomor, a 1930s man-made famine deliberately orchestrated by Stalin, is a glaring example of Russia’s effort to destroy Ukraine. Its devastating consequences claimed the lives of between 3 to 7 million Ukrainians from 1932 to 1933. By the end of 1933, an estimated 15% to 25.8% of the Ukrainian population had perished. The deliberate starvation of Ukrainians was a calculated strategy to crush their spirit, eradicate their national identity, and force them into submission.

Holodomor: Soviet Union’s man-made famine in Ukraine

Editor’s Note: This article contains graphic photos and descriptions. The Holodomor, which means “murder by starvation” in Ukrainian, is widely considered to be one of Ukraine’s most devastating national tragedies. A man-made famine brought on by the agricultural collectivization policies and acti…

The Kyiv IndependentAlexandra Keeler

The use of rape as a weapon of war has persistently served as a means to inflict humiliation, degradation, and break the resilience of defenders. Regrettably, this abhorrent tactic continues to be employed in Russia’s ongoing war in Ukraine. The immediate harm caused by such acts of violence represents only a fraction of the enduring aftermath, as survivors are condemned to a lifetime of unimaginable trauma. Rape is one tool among many utilized to achieve the reprehensible objective of subjugating the Ukrainian people.

Russia’s historical record bears the weight of grievous atrocities, including the obliteration of cities, large-scale massacres, and the systematic imposition of Russian culture upon the Ukrainian people. The current barbaric acts perpetrated by Russian soldiers in Ukraine should serve as a resounding wake-up call for the West.

This situation starkly underscores the impossibility of Ukraine engaging in diplomatic negotiations with a country that continuously brutalizes and ravages its land. We must apprehend the unyielding nature of the turbulence currently besieging Ukraine, recognizing it not as an isolated event but as an enduring testament to Russia’s extensive history of violence and devastation spanning centuries.

Only recently has the world begun to comprehend the profound violent nature that truly defines modern imperial Russia.

Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in the op-ed section are those of the authors and do not purport to reflect the views of the Kyiv Independent.

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