#missing everyone who is far from me terribly which is part of the depression im sure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kissingrhi · 1 year

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oh shit bro!!! ok! ahh if you have time and you would like to, would you have anything at all in the realm of hurt/comfort for lalo and/or nacho? ngl im down in the pits and ur writing is like a grilled cheese sandwhich on a cold rainy day, its amazing.

idk, maybe the reader is kind of going through it mentally and hella withdraws from everyone which causes conflict bc ahhh cartel work or something (idk man i dont deal drugs) and so The Boys go and check up on u bc "dude did you die or something?" (bc cartel stuff yknow?) and YOURE like "no i didnt die im just vibing bro but the vibes are tainted and gross" and theyre like "cool lets fix that." yknow? idk man the world is your oyster, i trust you. go nuts. but only if you would like to and have the time, i dont wanna pressure you to do anything homie :,) i hope u have a good day.

by far the cutest ask i have ever been sent. i'm sobbing. ily. and i am a WHORE. for hurt/comfort. you just get me!

cw: this gets kind of heavy at parts! maybe releasing something subconsciously with this man idfk. some of talk of depression, anxiety, stuff of that nature. enjoy!!

you legitimately wanted to disappear. forever.

your brain was constantly scrambled, erratic, and loud. you thought of everything and remembered nothing 99.9% of the time. what you did remember was nothing short of miserable reminders of what got you to where you were. who you were. what you'd done.

the shaking of your desperate hands and shuttered breathing of your lungs were nothing compared to the mind-numbing, seemingly endless spew of unfortunate findings in the barren wasteland that was your brain.

you hadn't come into work in 3 days. it had been 3 days since you'd step foot onto the tiled floor of el michoacáno. 3 days since you'd showered. 3 days since you'd moved, besides the awkward shifting during the freezing cold in the middle of the night, when you attempted to sleep. you were miserable, and the worst part was you couldn't decipher why.

it had also been 3 days since you'd checked your phone. oblivious to the countless amount of mixed calls from some of the only contacts you had: nacho and lalo. when you finally made it to reaching your phone, shoved in the drawer of your nightstand, your eyes widened. you ruined something again.

the texts varied from

L: ¿dónde diablos estás?

N: lalo me está molestando.

N: hate to say it, but i miss you

L: come back pls

you felt terrible, throwing your phone back to its place with a groan, hiding under the covers like you could escape the tenderness of missing your coworkers. more specifically, your friends.

all you could try to focus on was the gentle beating of your heart, remembering the time that nacho calmed you down the first time you had a panic attack in front of him after nearly dying. his hands were ice cold against your hot cheeks, pulling the hands that were hopelessly wiping away the streaming tears all the way down to your chest.

"el corazón. no cesará. no te dejaré tampoco."

you can still recall the pattern of his slow heart that you heard while you cried against his chest.

you weren't sure how long it was until you felt a change in the air. minutes, hours, days? time was moving irrationally slow and fast all at once. you were still blankly lying against your bed, buried under your blankets. nacho felt like he was at your wake.

you were zoned out, eyes only focusing when the two men you were worried about had seemingly teleported in front of your bed. instead of dropping a sarcastic, self-deprecating joke (like you usually do), you merely turned to the other side with a dramatic sigh.

a pair of rough fingers jumped in front of your line of vision, snapping rambunctiously.

"hey, hey! what the hell, mi amigo!?" his tone was dripping with comedy. "you have no right to ignore either of us. we've been so good to you."

you knew it was lalo quickly, thanks to the delicious grandiose of his gravely voice.

you finally turned around, hearing your bones crack as you pushed yourself up to lay against your bedpost. nacho and lalo drank in your disheveled state, agitation on their faces quietly fading into a look you knew all too well: concern. you glimpsed down at nacho's hand, rubbing his thumb over something he was obviously nervous about before shoving it in his pocket.

"i-" you started, blood suddenly running cold at the what you thought to be shameful eyes staring right at you. for some reason, a lump that had been building for what felt like years finally exploded in the back of your throat, a quick tear that you attempted to wipe away slipping down your cheek, going to push away nacho's anxious hand that reached for your back.

"what? you what?" lalo's posture had completely changed, eyes softening.

the tears were flowing fearlessly now, your eyes still dim and lifeless. you seemed to be fading away, in real time. it was melancholy.

"i am not-" you swallowed, putting a hand to your heart subconsciously.

"i am not ignoring you guys." you said firmly, staring lalo right in the eyes with your stoic, but unconvincing gaze.

the two exchanged looks at each other, nacho biting the inside of his cheek, lalo scratching the back of his neck. they had no idea what to do. they killed people for a living! even if you three weren't the most fond of each other at times, you obviously cared about each other.

"i'm just adjusting. i've got a lot going on. needed some rest." you explained, pressing your fingers together so hard that when you pulled them apart, the skin eased open slowly.

"haha." you were unconvincing, and unrelenting in how much you swore that everything was just fine.

lalo was already strutting his way into the kitchen, starting on something he knew you'd like: chicken noodle soup. when you went to scold him for barging in your home, he just pressed a gentle kiss on your head, making your eyes widen because that is so unlike him.

while lalo got to work in the kitchen, nacho cautiously sat at the end of your bed. when you went to talk, still tearful and messy, nacho politely put a hand up.

"you don't have to explain yourself all the time, you know?" he asked, genuine curiosity brewing in his deep eyes.

"i mean, especially not to me or him." he nodded towards the kitchen, past your doorway. "do you see how we have spent our lives?" he asked, pressing a tickling finger into your side, grinning ear to ear when you smiled the tiniest bit.

"listen. i know how it feels." he started, eyes searching around the floor to try and put what he wanted to say politely, into terms he knew wouldn't blossom into spouts of dangerous overthinking in your unpleasantly fragile mind. he looked just about as sad as you.

"i know what it feels like to have no one understand." he finally looked up at you, hands gently pressing into your shoulders. his eyes were almost watering. maybe you were hallucinating.

you started to cry more, and his frown grew.

"please, please do not cry." he started.

"estás muy cerca de romperme el corazón." was said under his breath. mumbled like an unforgivable sin at the altar.

while his hands wiped away at your tears, he just silently told you, "we care about you. we all care about each other. we have to."

his touches that were so comfortable against your tense body led you to your bathtub, and before you knew it he was sitting on the edge of your toilet and rubbing body wash against your spine. his grimace grew at your sorrowful, hunched figure.

"please do not cry." was uttered again, like you crying would shatter his world just as much as yours.

as soon as you were dressed in fresh clothes, and your messy hair was neatly pulled away from your face, nacho brought you back to your newly cleaned bed.

you felt like your only lifeline was his warmth surrounding what felt like the arctic that you had embedded yourself in.

lalo invited himself back in, pressing a beautiful tray of chicken noodle soup onto your lap, wrapping a blanket around your shoulders with an airy sense of comedy (he pretended like the job was a massive issue to him, groaning each time he had to move, watching you deeply to see you laugh).

you just stared up at both of them, like you had never experienced this kind of care before.

if you were being honest with yourself, you definitely hadn't.

"well?" lalo started, looking right back at you. "eat." he said, almost in a way that a mother does to their child. he scolded you, but in the way that you know had the purest and most loving intentions.

when you did, you noticed the sharp, grainy pain in your throat was instantly washed away. you couldn't stop. your nutrient-deprived body scarfed down the meal, chugging the glass of water he added on the side.

"thank you guys." was all you said, looking away with a gentle smile on your face.

"are you kidding me? of course!" lalo laughed. "you just need to come coddle me every time i get sick. deal?" he asked, rubbing your head.

after hours of hugs and distracting conversations, the pair decided you were well enough to leave for the night.

"get lots of rest, okay? don't need you to lose any focus at work." lalo pointed a demanding finger at you, chest raised like he was the king of the world. "be safe."

you nodded, your head leaning into your pillow with a grin. nacho situated himself in front of you once more, reaching into his pocket. he made his way out while you read the tiny slip of battered paper.

you noticed a gorgeous blue, dried flower pressed against the right edge. in his messy handwriting you could dechiper:

"el corazón. no cesará. no te dejaré tampoco."

#um hello #im so proud of this #sobbing #angst #hurt/comfort #better call saul x reader #nacho varga #nacho varga x reader #lalo salamanca #lalo salamanca x reader #better call saul #this made me cry

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awhst-alt · 3 years

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I HAD THE BEST BYLER DREAM LAST NIGHT AND I REALLY WANNA SHARE IT WITH YOU ALL

it's so long (literally 2k words) so im gonna put it under the cut haha <3

so basically this would take place after mike and will start dating or something, idk exactly the time frame (i picture them being like 18 or something and this is the summer before college) and will goes to this summer arts program for like 2/3 months (i dunno how long american summer is but something like that) and its all the way far from home so there is dorms and stuff and he's "not in hawkins anymore" (no pun intended)

mike and will decide after will finishes his school they'd go to college together (cuz they're gonna be comic book artists together bc thats boyfriend shit) so throughout these months he's practically just waiting for will (<333333)

so one specific scene i remember from my dream involved will and mike getting off the bus to the school and then they hug and then mike grabs wills hand and brings him behind the bus and then he gives will a biggg kiss bc he won't be able to kiss him for 3 months. then they say they love each other and will gives him another quick kiss and is like "two kisses". they agree they'd call each other every day.

so will goes inside and mike goes back on the bus and goes home.

and basically the whole day is a whirl, until the end of it, in which mike is sitting in the kitchen near the phone waiting for like 3 hours for will to call, and will doesn't end up calling.

AND THEN IT GETS SPICYYYYY

so meanwhile at the arts program will asks like the front desk or something if he can call mike and they say phone is offlimits and they don't let him call mike

so then will goes to sleep and he's paranoid that he thinks mike is gonna hate him or something like that

mk than the next day in class there is this girl (they didn't reveal her name in the dream, ill call her stella) so stella is basically looking at will the entire class but will doesn't know it

so when they exit the class stella's like "hi" and will says "hi"

then stella says "i like your painting."

will is like rlly weirded out so he goes "thanks?"

"i um- hope this doesn't sound weird but i have no friends, do you want to be mine?"

"sure"

and then end of scene (this does not sound like a normal conversation but it's my dream so it doesn't have to make sense"

so BACK AT HAWKINS mike is still sleeping even tho it's like 3 pm because yk depressed boyfriend shit but then the PHONE RINGS and mike gets out of bed frantically and goes to the phone and he picks it up and is like "will?" and then it answers "it's el, idiot"

i feel like this is important for context but el speaks english very well now and hoppers back and she lives with hopper and not the byers anymore. ANYWAYS

el says "how's will?"

mike says "idk he didn't call"

"he didn't?"

"no, he didn't"

"okay. well maybe he will call later"

"yeah mb"

"wanna come over"

"ok"

so mike hangs up and gets changed and goes to el's house bc they r a couple o' besties and when he gets there it's like a therapy sessions bc mike usally talks to will every single day and he can't for like 3 months (unless will calls, but he's not going to) so he accepts he's gonna be depressed for 3 months and he's just talking to el about how he's gonna miss him so much and no be able to see his face and that shit

so el's like "well do u wanna do something to take ur mind off of him"

and mike's like "no im not gonna replace will" (I SCREAMED IN MY DREAM SRSLY)

but than el says "okay. guess im gonna go to the mall by myself" (ig starcourt is rebuilt by now)

and than mike bolts up and is like "fine"

"we can by something for will"

"okay yay"

so then they go to starcourt yasss!!

anyways back at the art school will is having lunch and stella is with he friends (even tho she said she doesn't have any friends) and one of her friends is like "omg did you see _____ he's so hot"

and another friend says "YESS! but ____ is cuter"

"what abt u stella? who do u have ur eyes on"

she says "byers" BUT NOOOOOOO WILL IS MIKES MAN

and they say "ew that kid who came back to life"

she says "yea. but he's cute, and shy, and once i wrap them around my finger i can get them to do anything"

so then she goes to sit down next to will at lunch

"hi will"

"hi"

"hru"

"im good"

"okay. good." and she gets upset because will goes ask how she is but she keeps her urging rage inside. and than they have this weird conversation and will is uncomfortable the whole time bc shes all like flirting with him and will is seeing someone obvi

but then she puts a hand on will's shoulder and he's shaking and then says something (idk what it is it wasn't explaining in my dream) then will stands up and runs to the bathroom. so he's just sitting in the stalls crying.

okay back at starcourt this part wasn't shown in my dream but im just gonna make up that mike and el go looking around starcourt for something for will (sort of like the mike/lucas/will montage where they were looking for stuff for el) and then i guess they find something for will and i don't have the slightest idea what they could have got for him BUT THEY GOT HIM SOMETHING GOOD

so mike's all happy but they'res still that depression inside of him lol

so fast forward a week, it really isn't explained but ill just make up that will still hasn't called mike, and he's super sad and all sleeping in but decides to look through his good ol binder full of will's drawings and in the arts school will and stella have a few more interactions im sure which are still very uncomfortable

okay so it's lunch again in the cafeteria and somehow will and stella are talking again but somehow it ends in stella kissing will and will like pulls away immediatley and is like "what is wrong with you!?"

and she says "what?"

"i'm seeing someone!"

"oh i uh- i didn't know."

the whole cafeteria is staring at them

so will's freaking out almost on the verge of a panic attack "idk what to do, he's gonna hate me and-"

"he?"

will has the look on his face like shit shit shit oh fuck no

"you're gay?"

"i-"

and will runs off once again. and everyone in the whole cafeteria knows that he's day and ofc with everybody being homophobic will knows it's not good at all bc everyone's gonna bully him

so then the next day he goes to class and the teacher is like "does anyone care to tell me where ___ is?" (it would be like a math question like 'where x is' but in art idkkk) and then the teacher calls on "will? can you tell me where ___ is?" and they'res a pause and then the teacher says "or perhaps you'd want to find your boyfriend instead?" (giving me anne with an e vibes prolly cuz i did a rewatch last weekend but i won't explain more in case some people haven't watched it but) anyways will stands up from his seat, everyone is looking at him, and he's shaking and so concerned but then he goes "fuck. you" badass will yeaaaa thats my boy

so then he runs out of the classroom and out of the school in a really cool montage way but then he realizes he's like 2 hours away from home but he runs and runs and he goes to a random bustop (it's not even garanteed if it takes him to hawkins but whatever) he gets on and tries to go back to hawkins.

and soon enough, he gets there, and immediatley goes to the wheelers because he needs to see mike and apologize for everything. so he's at the wheelers, and rings the doorbell, realizing he's still in his uniform lol but karen answers and mike is upstairs in his room sulking (i picture it would be 8 pm by now) so will asks for mike and karen calls mike. mike groans obviously because he doesn't know it's his boy, but he comes down, karen gets out of the way and as soon as he sees will they have a really big hug and it's super sweet and my heart UFHEIOSKA

mike says his usual "are you okay?" and mike is still confused as shit but will says "i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry" and mike says "you don't have to be sorry for anyrhing" but will says "ill explain"

so then they go to will's room, side-by-side on his bed and will starts explaining everything

(this is mostly improvised by me but it's still pretty similar to the dream)

"i hated it."

"the school?"

"yeah. there was no you, (mike blushes lmao), everything was terrible, i felt so lonely, they didn't let me call you-"

"what?"

"they said the phone was off limits. i wanted to talk to you so bad and i thought you'd hate me"

"i could never hate you, will, even if i tried." will smiles

"and then there was this girl, and she hit on me and i didn't know what to do bc i'd be the face of the school if i told her i was dating you and was gay and today she kissed me"

"WHAT"

"im sorry im sorry i didn't kiss back and i was so scared bc i never was in a relationship before and i was so scared it was considered cheating-"

and mike LAUGHSS

"what? mike? what's wrong?"

"if you don't do anything back, it's not considerd 'cheating'"

"oh. good. are you mad at me?"

"what? no! no never!" so mike opens his arms and says "come here" so will and mike hug or something like that and then mike says "do you need me to beat her up?"

and will says "you can't even beat eggs. besides, your noodle arms wouldn't be able to do harm to even a fly"

so mike laughs and says "i'm glad your home"

so will blurts "i cursed out a teacher"

"you? cursing?"

"yes."

"might have to start calling you a bad boy now"

will just smiles and says "i love you"

and mike says "i love you too"

AND THEN END AND IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF BC I LOVE THIS DREAM LIKE I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BRAIN THOUGHT OF THIS BUT IM OBSESSED

ALSO ONCE I FINISH WYBMFFAE ILL PROBABLY WRITE THIS INTO A FULL BLOWN FIC BUT AHIHFUSAH

edit: i have no idea what mike did with the present him and el bought for will but i guess they ended up giving it to him lol

#byler

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creepypasta-matchups · 3 years

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Greetings and salutations, hope I don’t bother you to much. May I please have a matchup for Creepypasta? My pronouns are She/They and I’m bisexual with a preference to masculinity. My Myers Briggs type is INFJ and Enneagram type is 4. My star sign is Taurus. Im about 4’11..not to happy about it. I’m rather introverted, and can be considered not a people person. Because of me dressing in all black and taking a liking to gruesome things like slashers and murder documentaries. A friend of mine even likes to call me “dollar store vomitboyx”. I’ve come to the conclusion I just scare people off. In reality, I’m intimidated by everyone around me and find it hard to start conversing, which may or may not come off as rude to people. When I finally become comfortable with someone I start to become really sarcastic and joke around with them with witty banter. Most of my humor comes off really insulting, but I’ll apologize and say it’s a joke if it becomes a problem. I’m not good with overly sensitive or dramatic people at all, and I can’t handlekids. I’m a huge animal person though. I have my moments where I can get really feisty, or very quiet and closed off. I’m the type of person that has very strong morals and opinions. I keep them to myself and bottle them up. If pushed far enough I’ll become unforgiving, and become aggressive. Especially with the types mentioned above. I find the most comfort in just being in my room drawing, reading and or listening to music ( My Chemical Romance, Victims Aren’t We All, Mindless Self Indulgence m, Get Scared, sometimes Tally Hall or Mother Mother ). I’m a plushie maniac and when I fall asleep you can always see me cuddled up to one of them. I find it because I’m really touch starved. I’m guilty of being submissive unfortunately, and I suffer from autism, depression and anxiety. I have small tics, but they only flare when I’m overly stressed. I’ve also been developing a eating disorder. If you do get to this, thanks for your time. - Coii

Hi there, I hope you like this!

Eyeless Jack—

This man is the opposite of overdramatic or oversensitive. A walking stone of semi-seriousness—so there shouldn’t be any issues there. He’s not loud either so that is also a plus.

He’s not a people person either so he completely understands just avoiding people. Not that being a cannibalistic monster already kinda does that for him.

He’ll banter with you, but will obviously avoid things you’re highly insecure about. If he ever upset you he would be quick to apologize and allow you to get him back for it in equally terrible words so you both could laugh at it later.

Animal lover? I bring to you Seedeater—basically Jack’s best buddy. He will 100% let you meet Seed and Seed will obviously like you, so be prepared for days where Seed just wants attention.

Also Lazari isn’t really a kid kid anymore, more of a young teen/preteen so you won’t have to handle kids!

He also has his feisty and closed off moments, so he understands yours and will give you space when needed.

He, also being insanely touched starve, may either cuddle you so much it feels like all you’ve ever done is cuddle or completely just not want to be touched, it will be awhile but soon it will be a lot more “normal” in the affection regard.

He also needs someone who has strong morals because his flew out the window so long ago, to see someone keep their morals is something he values greatly. He seems it as a very distinct determination that he likes a lot.

He actually likes listening to music, and will enjoy just listening to whatever you have on. His hearing is sensitive so he may ask you to turn it down just a bit so you both could listen in silence.

Also audiobook dates are a good replacement for movie dates, but he also will turn on a movie if preferred. But he prefers audiobooks himself.

He also has researched your symptoms and conditions and will absolutely try and help you however he can. There’s no quick fix, but a little help can do a long way.

He will also try not to eat around you due to your eating disorder because he doesn’t want to worsen things, and also the sight of cheating kidneys isn’t pleasant.

Even if you like gruesome things, he will still do the above. Which, let’s be honest, he probably accidentally leaves gruesome parts or blood around when he is or just came out of being really hungry. He will show you cool gruesome things if you want

He will dissect an entire human body for you if you wanted, a dead one of course, and one that had kidneys missing but most of the body is there and you can see all the parts. These will also be dates.

#eyeless jack #EJ #creepypasta matchup #Creepypasta #matchup

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interludcs · 4 years

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BENEDETTA PORCAROLI , CIS FEMALE , SHE / HER → according to the school records , GIOVANNA ELOISA ARGENTI has been attending sacred heart for the past two years . i last saw them hanging around stan's place ; i think they were tying cherry stems into knots . at twenty - one , gio has been studying classics and get this , i heard that her bloodline has long been cursed to succumb to inevitable madness and it’s been the cause of many mysterious deaths in the family already — figure it’s true ? everyone around here always associates them with biting into an apple only to realize it’s rotten , a bloody nose dripping onto silk stockings , and the distorted screech of a violin coming from another room . in the time since these strange happenings , they have encountered unexplained occurrences .

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ QUICK STATS !

full name : giovanna eloisa argenti

nickname(s) : gio , gigi ( although she likes to think she outgrew it )

zodiac : scorpio sun , gemini moon ( click ! )

sexuality : bisexual .

occupation : student & heiress .

birthplace : rome , italy .

current residence : sacred heart academy .

pinterest : ( click ! )

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ BACKSTORY ! ( tw : depression , murder , suicide & drug abuse )

born in 1953 to one of the wealthiest families in italy ! the argenti's posses a ridiculous and tbh kinda disgusting fortune because of their distant ties to the old italian monarchy ... and are also long rumored to have been cursed hundreds of years ago as divine punishment for the sins of a past family member .

the family has a long and gruesome history — good husbands turning into killers , more than one argenti woman flinging herself off one of the many balconies in the family estate , children who hear voices in the night . more often than people care to count , these fits of madness are seemingly inexplicable .

giovanna was born on chilly autumn night . she would be her mother’s first and last child , but lucianna argenti saw her baby girl as anything but a miracle . when she was only five months old , a nanny discovered the woman trying to drown giovanna in the bathtub , stuck in a trance she’d later have no recollection of being in . long in denial of the family curse , marco argenti hired nearly every notable doctor in italy , but none of them could find a sound explanation for the violent and nonsensical trances his wife would experience for the next three years before ultimately taking her own life .

leaving giovanna to grow up all alone in the too big family estate at the hands of nannies , marco argenti would spend the better years of his only daughter’s life traveling all around europe , desperate to shake the ghost of his wife , but never succeeding .

despite all the tragedy early on in gio’s life , she had an almost typical upbringing for someone in her socioeconomic circle . a childhood devoid of the love her parents were supposed to give , nannies who gave in to the rotten demands only a wealthy child and sole heir could conjure up , a house that never felt like a home .

by the time she was a teenager , gio had grown up to be a different kind of monster — not the madwomen her classmates would snicker about when speaking ill of the blood that flowed through her veins , but something perhaps more dangerous , a selfish girl too clever and too beautiful for her own good .

on the eve of her 18th birthday her father makes his grand return home , gone so long he mistakes his daughter for a maid before a groundskeeper politely informs him of his mistake . causing more tension still was the brand new gold band on his ring finger , as well as the announcement that he’s selling the estate , and that gio’s to come live with his new wife and three small children in france .

the day giovanna argenti turns 18 is a day she can no longer remember save for waking up in the remnants of a burnt down home , ash caked underneath her fingernails , smoke burning her lungs . servants who have been loyal to the argenti family for decades will later testify that there had been a terrible accident lighting the birthday cake that night , that marco argenti had never returned home the night before , and that the family of four in paris crying murder were nothing but scammers after the family fortune .

gio spends the next year scrambling to piece together the mysterious events , a tiny voice inside her head insisting something wasn’t right with the story she’d been fed by the people who raised her , albeit confused as to why they’d hide the truth if something sinister had indeed happened that night . she could have sworn the memory of her father coming home was a real one — until she gets a letter in the mail , signed marco argenti , polaroid attached , a blurry shot of a man who bears the family resemblance standing in front of the statue of liberty .

cue the drug abuse ( coke being her poison of choice ) , the reckless and dangerous stunts all in the name of having a good time , the mind numbing sex with strangers . heart heavy with the idea that she was indeed going insane , following in the footsteps of all the argenti’s that had come before her , giovanna was left with the haunting sensation that her life was already doomed , and so she might as well make the most of it . on the flip side of this she also came to the realization that she could pretty much .... do whatever she wanted and get away with it ? people already thought she was cursed and crazy ... might as well act the part ... a little self fulfilling prophecy ... as a treat <3

in a feeble attempt to save her from an untimely and rather stupid demise , she is shipped off to sacred heart academy , a place a distant cousin once attended . mind clouded by addiction and unresolved trauma alike , giovanna can’t be sure the strange happenings at sacred heart are real at all or just a product of a dark and overactive imagination .

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ PERSONALITY + TIDBITS !

first & foremost ... gio was inspired loosely by some sexy women including miss effy stonem from skins , choi sooji from tempted , ludo from baby , villanelle from killing eve & lady macbeth minus the murder ( ... unless ? 😏 ) , as well as more lana del rey songs than i care to admit so we won’t be talking about it aha x

yes what i’m trying to say is she’s a little unhinged ... but in that fun sexy way like when amy dunne gives the cool girl speech in gone girl .

speaking of cool girls ... gio is one 😌 you would think growing up with a last name that’s literally famous for being cursed would have put a bigger damper on her popularity among people but there’s a certain fascination gio holds and she knows it . this isn’t to say she’s got a lot of friends because she definitely doesn’t , she just knows how to get people’s attention .

at her core she is clever , charming , everything someone who grew up with money is bound to be . but unlike the selfishness of other trust fund babies , gio’s operates on a different scale . she’s self obsessed , not because she views herself as better than anyone else , but because she’s so haunted by the idea that something terrible and wicked exists inside of her and it’s only a matter of time before darkness takes over .

in an effort to counter that weight , she breezes through life without taking much seriously . toying with people , the mind games she plays , it’s all an effort to distract herself , to entertain her brain with thoughts that somehow seem lighter in comparison to her own inevitable self destruction although the people she plays with might say otherwise .

consequences should scare her more than they do , but honestly she’s got a penchant for doing the things deemed bad for her . on one hand she figures little matters if she’s truly cursed , on the other hand she figures if she is cursed than whatever consequence comes her way is deserved .

flirty , but most of the time it never means anything . she is prone to intense infatuations , however , all of which have ended tragically so far so proceed with caution .

she’s definitely someone most people would know of , as she’s got an almost bad habit of striking up conversations with whoever , but ask someone to name her favorite color or any profound fact about her and they probably wouldn’t be able to .

very nosy due to her childhood of people watching and intensely studying the adults who raised her , and so the habit has carried on into her adult life . she won’t outwardly pry , but if you catch her interest she’ll unabashedly observe you like she’s an actor trying to better understand their part .

tons of fun at parties , but also in class , considering she’s snorting enough coke on the daily to treat school like it’s one big social gathering . life’s a beach baby <3

studying classics because she likes how intense the stories and history are , but she’s surprised herself by being rather good at the language aspect of the major .

deep deep down ... there is the desire to be understood and loved despite whatever uninhibited thing she’s convinced lurks around inside her but that is constantly in conflict with the idea that she’s fundamentally undeserving of real affection ... just girly things you know 🥺

━ ˙ ˖ ☆ WANTED CONNECTIONS ! ( all open to all genders )

my brain is quite literally all rot rn im just gonna list stuff with minimal elaboration please vibe with me ...

people she gets high with <3

ex infatuations that ended tragically lets get that angst

spare parental figures ... any professors out there want a demon child who will idolize u but not know how to deal with that so they just act up all the while hoping for forgiveness and the attention they never got from their own parents </3

speaking of professors i will play into the problematic trope of a student being obsessed with a professor -___- solely because i would lov to have gio go full throttle crazy ... as a treat ... this has nothing to do with that one line in lorde’s writer in the dark u know the one truly this does not have to be reciprocated at ALL

a confidant / someone she probably considers her closest friend who she is constantly disgusted with herself for opening up to but also truly not able to live without so it’s a fun cycle of push and pull but truly she’d probably die for them just don’t ask her that she’ll say no

i think it would be fun to have someone who knows about the supposed argenti curse maybe their family had some associations to gio’s or maybe they spent some time in italy at some point growing up and met her there idk im cute not smart ...

we’ve all been begging and begging i will jump on the bandwagon and ask for a sexy rival doesnt mean anything if u say i hate u after hooking up

someone she keeps bumping into when she’s sneaking out past curfew or cutting class and at first it was like dude seriously do we have to start alternating but now it turned into like wow i really hope we bump into each other again would u like a cigarette wanna listen to some music together

someone she sees a lot at stan’s place . perhaps on campus they have a very different relationship but off campus they feel free to have another

current hookups we love to see it there’s so many directions to go in maybe its purely a casual thing , maybe it’s casual for gio but not for them , or maybe gio’s the one like worm maybe i would like more than sex , maybe it’s like a we only hookup when we’re high at parties thing , perhaps it’s a secret hookup thing so it gets angsty

maybe a rival or someone she swears she hates and they swear the same but they accidentally bond along the way and it’s like well i thought i hated u but perhaps we are more similar than we thought but also we only know how to be enemies so how do we even move past this ...

perhaps someone gio goes to when she’s especially fucked up and they take care of her / start to resent her for seemingly caring so little abt her own well being and she resents them for caring too much bc it’s not liked she asked but she keeps showing up at their door and they keep letting her in

someone she can be in cahoots with ... go absolutely bonkers with knowing they won’t judge her and she won’t judge them

perhaps someone she can be a bad influence on

also someone who makes her want to be a better person bc we need balance

a group of girls gio can be like men r disgusting with but then they catch her hooking up with said stinky man and it’s just a cycle like please get some help luv

a dealer mayhaps ?

someone whose favorite pen she stole but blatantly lied and said she didn’t steal it but she uses it everyday in class so u know she did in fact steal ur pen

ok she’s out of juice i’m she

i wont lie to u ive been writing this all damn day … but we finally made it baby 😭😭😭 im sosososo sorry for the length & the wait … also i feel like my charas always change a lil once i actually start plotting & writing so sorry again if u see me finally writing as giovanna on the dash and ur like lit rally who is that … JSDBWJBDWBDJ also side note i promise u im almost done word vomiting all over the place but it must b said ... u know how there’s that trope that supposed insanity is like not always real like how female hysteria was a whole as thing or like how in haunting of hill house where the charas weren’t really haunted by ghosts at all more so by their trauma ... that was my whole inspo with the argenti’s like are they even cursed at all ? who is to say ... PLEASE come message me on discord to plot ! @ you are my soulmate ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172 maybe … give this a like if u wanna … do that hehehe thank u for reading all this ur so brave for that stay sexy stan loona x

#heretics.intro #╰ ♡ . 𝒏𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒕𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒕𝒚 ── ooc !#pls lets not talk abt the length the quality OR the lateness ... compliments only x #JSBDJWBDJWBDJWD

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thefloatingstone · 5 years

Note

28 for the ask meme! im curious!

28. What do you think is the worst adaptation of a book?

hmmmm~ That’s an interesting question, because sometimes a terrible adaptation of a book could still be a very good movie! And sometimes a very good adaptation of a book could be a terrible movie! (a good example is Kubrick’s The Shining which isn’t a very good adaptation but an excellent movie, and Stephen King’s own adaptation which is very faithful, but not a good mini-series)

But I think I’ll answer with an adaptation I just personally hate X’D

I’m gonna have to go with the BBC’s adaptation of “The Moving Finger” in their Miss Marple tv series.

Ok so like... I LOVE Miss Marple. and The Moving Finger is probably my favourite one. and I HAAAAAAATED the BBC’s episode of this one, despite liking MANY of the other episodes in the same series!

I don’t have to spoil the murder mystery at all to explain because the overall basic story is the same but they changed the most important parts of the story for me; the tone and main character.

The book is written from the point of view of a young man who was recently in a terrible plane accident. (single person plane with him as the pilot) and he has undergone major surgeries and physical therapy and for a while it was unclear if he would walk again. The book starts with him and his younger sister, (a socialite and one of those pre-60s artistic types who has a thing for “tortured Artists” as far as boyfriends go and who is all about the London Nightlife) moving to stay a few months in the very small rural town for him to recover after finally being relatively normal.

The book follows a bunch of pre-internet “anonymous hate letters” suddenly being spread around town, using magazine cut letters and accusing people in the town of really horrible shit (some of which may or may not be true) and basically telling them they should die/kill themselves. (the one our main character gets suggests his sister and he are actually secretly a couple who get into *GASP!* Pre-marital sex!!) This goes on until someone actually ends up dead, and now it’s a murder mystery and not just random anon hate.

The book also focuses on a young girl who is the adopted daughter of a local lord via her mother’s first marriage. She’s just turned 20 or 22 and is home after not really fitting in with her post-school schooling. Her mother doesn’t really like her as she has 2 sons by her new husband, and the husband seems barely aware of her presence. The book follows our main character getting to know her and realising she isn’t some dim-witted school girl, but an incredible intelligent woman who is simply BORED with living in a very small town with a family who dislikes her and everybody underestimating her and thinking her stupid.

The book also has several side characters including a woman who is the leader of the local Brownies and the sister of the doctor in town, whose parents forbade her from going to medical school as she’s a woman, and is now one of those REALLY loud, overbearing women who decides they know what’s best for everyone. Another character is a middle-aged gay-coded gentleman who collects antiques and is very excited to have some “young people” in town and enjoys discussing art with them over tea. As well as a few others.

The tone of the book is not exactly sombre, but it’s complex, with characters with complex workings beyond what they appear and deeper motivations that has turned them into the people they are...

So....

first off, the BBC adaptation COMPLETELY changed EVERYTHING with the simply decision to make out main character NOT the victim of a plane crash he was piloting, but instead as having a motorcycle accident which he caused HIMSELF on purpose as a suicide attempt.

LIKE. HOLD THE FUCK ON????

This COMPLETELY ruins a large amount of the story, because suddenly our main character is not a lively but injured person recovering physically to match his emotional zest for life, which is WHY he gets wrapped up in the murder mystery to begin with, but is INSTEAD a broody depressed suicide survivor who his sisters is angry with for wanting to take his own life AND LIKE.... WHY????

But it’s not just that! They ALSO completely changed the entirety of the story’s TONE. Now suddenly NONE of the characters have the exact depth this story NEEDED as it goes hand in hand with the whole “who in this town could appear so normal and then send anonymous hate to people?” and everyone is instead this comedic caricature of a person! And it’s all played as really SILLY and CARTOONISH!!!

And our misunderstood but brilliant young girl is not presented as miserable and dying to be treated as an adult, but instead like a fucking manic pixie dream girl that saves our male main character from depression.

HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT.

The characters and the plot and the murderer are all still there but what the fuck even is this??? what is this TRASH????? BBC what the FUCK????

#C-Puff replies #Film meme #I'm so fucking angry #cocofinny

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imakemyownworld · 5 years

Text

When The Party’s Over pt.2

Part One

This is longish.

It is only a second part and Im setting some foundations for the fic therefore there’s not much of Ethan here but more of my (Bellas) struggles and relationship with Lucas. Somewhere in the middle of this I realised it was half biographical. I always had the strong urge to write about my own life and experiences as I never talk about them (as Bella) irl. I promise the next part will be all about E. :)

Also, if you do read this, please give me some critiques. I know it’s not nearly perfect and I would love to get some feedback. I just recently made this tumblr after being a fan of Gray and E for a good while now and I’m so happy I did. All the people I see here seem so genuinely interesting, funny, creative and nice. Thank you ! xx

Exactly one week has passed since I last saw Ethan. He sent me some messages but I didn't reply, I knew he was busy making a video and that he is going home tomorrow to visit his family for Thanksgiving. My family group chat was going crazy though. My sister who is living in Europe couldn’t book a flight and I wasn't replying to any messages. I just couldn't find the strength to do so, so I figured I'll just show up tomorrow morning, get through the weekend and come back.

I spent the rest of the day studying and scrolling through every possible social network then went to sleep ignoring every text I got.

I'm there in an hour. Xx I texted the group chat as I sat down in my car and turned the engine on. I skimmed through other messages. Ethan was complaining about something Grayson did and Ivy had boy issues. Did I want to see a text from Lucas? Sure, but I never expected one. It's Thanksgiving and everyone is with their families.

I met Lucas two years ago at a film festival in Los Angeles. I was there because I love cinema and Ethan managed to get me some tickets and Lucas was studying film at university near by. At that time I was probably at worst with my depression and anxiety as I just started taking classes at my university. He asked Ivy and me if we wanted to go to the after party and we didn't think twice about it. I never thought I would be someone who does drugs, I was always strongly against it. But he made it seem so normal. He was handsome, to me. He was skinny and every shirt was too big for him. Later I realised those shirts were fine before, but he lost weight. Still, there was something about him. He was mysterious, he loved photography and he talked about movies non stop. He acted cool but I could tell how passionate he is about things he loves. Both of us had something dark in us but neither one of us wanted to talk about it and we understood that about each other. From the moment we met and our friends started hanging out each other everybody already thought we were together. We would tease each other all the time while dancing and hanging around but since we were both kind of distant when sober we were scared to do anything about it. All until one night he kissed me. He kissed me like it was something we do all the time, but it wasn't. He didn't acknowledge it the next day and I remember freaking out about it with Ivy. Next time I saw him it took me every singe atom of bravery in my body to ask him about it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I called him and we separated from our friend group, we walked along the beach in Venice on a chilly summer night.

“Do you remember that we kissed?” I asked him in the middle of his sentence. He froze for a bit and then he made the grimace I couldn't decipher.

“No” he said quietly “When?” he was looking at me and I could tell that he felt horrible. I tried to look as if I don't care and I was ready to brush it off.

“At the club, last weekend. It’s fine, I just wanted to clear that up. I wasn’t sure if you didn't want to acknowledge it or just don’t remember” I turned around to get back to where our friends were.

“Stop” he took my hand and I felt relief “Im really sorry. You know how I am, I go overboard sometimes and I do things...” he stopped talking. Do things he usually wouldn't? If so, I didnt want to hear about it. I pulled my hand from him.

“...do things I would usually be scared of doing” he said almost painfully. Knowing him today, I know how hard that must have been for him. After that things started heating up between us two. We were never together, we knew that would never work out as we couldn’t communicate normally when sober. But we silently cared about each other, even though we never said it out loud.

At that festival after party we were dancing when he handed me half of the pill and kissed my cheek. I looked at it for a while then looked at him. He was dancing and smiling, seemed so carefree. If someone told me a month ago I would be holding that in my hand I wouldn’t believe them. Even then it looked so wrong in my hand. And then I took it and it was the best night of my life.

We kept on partying like that every other weekend. We didn’t know much about each other but we also knew everything. We would take something then hook up and sleep for what seemed like hours, or minutes. Sometimes I was so out of it I didnt know if I was dreaming or not. We shared those times together, he was the only one I wasn’t ashamed to be around like this. He understood.

My dad opened the door for me and we hugged.

“Hello beautiful”

“Hi dad” he smelled like mom's cooking. I did miss them. “Smells nice in here”

“I feel like there's enough for the whole neighborhood”

I got in and the table was already set up. My mom hugged me and instantly started talking about my sister. How sad she is that she isn't here. I said something back quickly and sat down.

My parents were an unusual kind. They always had my back and supported me through everything as far as school and university go. But I was always the one who had to be home by midnight or not go out at all. I had to lie that I was having a sleepover so that I could go out and have fun with my friends. My mom still believes I never tried alcohol in my whole life and Im twenty. We were also never the kind of family that talked a lot about feelings and things going on outside of school. I could never talk about boyfriends with my mom or fights I had with my friends. This caused bottling a lot of emotions through my whole life. Ethan had to beg me to talk with him to find out why I was miserable at times. He was the one person I would actually tell what was going on. I never got along with my sister either, we were just two very different people and I always thought: If I met her randomly I would never want to be her friend. Seems harsh, but she was selfish and stubborn, always only looking out for herself and not giving a fuck if she was hurting someone else in the process.

Lunch was actually amazing, my mom made my favorite meals. They crashed on the sofa soon after and started watching some terrible movie and I went to check in my old room.

I must have fallen asleep while watching youtube because it was dark when I opened my eyes. I came down to the living room and heard mom and dad talking in the backyard. I took my moms phone to check the time.

I miss you. It said. William.

My head felt blank for a second. I quickly turned the phone back off.

William was my moms ex boss. I sat down and my head started spinning around. I combined the pluses and minuses, filled in the blanks. Things started making sense. My mom became very sensitive to anyone touching her phone a while back. Before, she never cared about it. I gathered strength and opened the message. It was the only one in the conversation, everything else was wiped clean. I quickly marked it as unread and put the phone back. Fuck.Is my mom cheating on my dad? My head started spinning even more. Poor dad. Should I tell anyone? I can’t tell anyone we can’t even say I miss you to each other let alone Are you having an affair? My poor dad loves mom with all his heart, he does everything for her and she was never truly in love with him. My sister and I realised since we were teenagers that mom acts cold with dad. She doesn’t like it when dad shows her any kind of affection.

“There you are!” mom barged in and I almost jumped in my seat. “You okay? Mike and I were just talking about going for a walk, you’re coming too”

“Ugh, I just woke up” I wasn’t sure I’m mentally ready for that walk.

“Exactly, you need to stretch”

The whole walk I was thinking about my mom. The time when I thought my mom was always in the right was long gone, but this was on a whole new level. How can I take her seriously ever again? She lost all the credibility. How can she pretend to be happy with my dad? If I told him about this it would ruin him. If I told her...Nothing seems like the right option. I don’t want my family to fall apart. We are a bit dysfunctional, but this seems like a scene from a movie and I cant take it. I had to get out of there.

When we got home mom brought us pie and turned on the TV.

“Guys, I’m sorry but I need to get back today. I have a seminar to write” I was nitpicking the pie on my plate.

“Write it here?” dad proposed and it seemd like a reasonable idea “You can take my laptop”

“Yeah but I don’t have my books. Sorry. I might come by next weekend if Emma books that ticket” I smiled at them. It was so natural for me to act like this around them. I was hiding things from them my whole life.

My mom argued with me for a while but she soon realised my mind was set. When the movie finished I took some clothes from my old closet and said goodbye to them. I felt so sorry for my dad, I hugged him tightly and he even said I love you to my ear. I haven’t heard that sentence in months.

I dialed Lucas’s number while driving down the highway.

“Hey danger” he answered almost immediately.

“Hey. Happy Thanksgiving. What are you up to?” I tried to seem chill but my voice was almost cracking.

“Uh, not much. Classic Thanksgiving laying around”

“You up for a sesh?” I was always afraid of him declining me which is why I was rarely the the one to ask him stuff like this.

“What, now? What’s wrong?” he asked that in the most monotone voice but I knew it meant a lot coming from him.

“Lucas.” I sighed and my voice broke down at the end of his name. He was silent for a moment.

“Pick me up. Im sending you the location”

I felt relieved. We haven’t hung out alone in a while and I missed it. I needed an hour to get to him, he was at his parents place. The house was actually very pretty. I know his parents are divorced and his mom remarried, he doesn’t talk about them much but I get the feeling she is worried about him and he doesn’t like that. And now I’m dragging him out on a Thanksgiving weekend. Suddenly I felt even more terrible.

Lucas sat in the car and I was just looking through the windshield.

“Bro, what happened?” he took the aux cord and connected his phone.

“I just realised I dragged you out and you were with your family and it’s Thanksgiving.”

“Yes. Because I love spending quality time with my perfect family. Come on, there’s not a lot of dealers working on Thanksgiving you know that?” Soundtrack 2 my life started playing through the speakers. He loved that song and it made me depressed. After that, he never once asked what had happened, he knew better and I appreciated it.

“Dealers? I have everything in my flat”

“Not this” he smiled devilishly to me and typed in the address in his phone.

“So in one hour you managed to find the guy? Seems to me like you were just waiting for my call. What are we taking?” I was driving down his neighborhood. We were the only people on the street.

“Been waiting on this for a while. You’ll see”

The address wasn’t that far away. I parked and he left, came back two minutes later.

“Church?”

Church was the most trashy techno club in the area, it was a dump but it was always open and the atmosphere was always great.

We parked near the club and started drinking rum that he brought from his place. I was doing my makeup with the help from his flashlight and my front camera. I took the cropped top from the back of the car and put it on. I felt wrong to be happy at this moment but I was. I was with him and I knew we were going to have fun.

“You gonna tell me what it is now? You know I’m not doing heroin or anything like that”

“Jesus. Of course not” he pulled the baggy out of his pocket. “Ketamine”

I had zero clue what that is. Everything I knew about drugs came from Lucas.

“You’ll see later.” he says and I can’t believe I have so much trust in him to just get on with it but at this moment I don’t care. He takes out a pill from his pocket and breaks it in half.

“You have a whole pharmacy out there” I say and swallow the pill.

“Shut up” he laughs. We are both pretty tipsy by now as we start walking to the club. I pay for the entrance and we’re finally there. This is where I felt at home. How weird is that? The lasers, lights, annoyingly loud house music. The music I could never listen to sober, it drives me insane.

I opened my eyes to see Lucas sleeping next to me, sun was shining through closed curtains. I fell asleep again and I dreamt about last night. Dancing, kissing Lucas and him kissing me. I dreamt that I woke up and walked around the apartment. I showered. Was that a dream? I was asleep again. It was nighttime. Lucas and I were rolling around the bed desperate for each other, desperate to feel something, anything.

It was night when I finally definitely woke up. I checked the time on my bedside table. It was 3am on Sunday. Lucas was sitting on the window next to the bed smoking.

“Hi” I wanted to say but all I said was a weak I

“Morning” he turned his head to face me “Magnesium next to your bed. Drink it”

I took the glass from the bed table and wasted a good three minutes to take two sips. Lucas was looking at me the whole time with a massive grin on his face.

“I need to shower”

“You showered three hours ago” he said and I looked at him confused.

“So I wasn’t dreaming?”

He shook his head.

“Did we have sex? Like, in those three hours?” I asked not looking at him.

“What? No. Did you dream about that?” He threw the cigarette in the ashtray and went under the covers. I just looked at him and he smiled again.

“When did we get home?”

“Around 7AM. We slept through the whole Saturday. As far as I remember” he removed all of my hair from my face and made a bun out of it.

“I don’t even want to know what I look like”

“Do you remember the night out?” he prompted himself on the elbow to face me.

“I don’t know. We were dancing?”

“You..” he stopped and lied back down “I didn’t want to give you any more, of anything, because you had too much” coming from Lucas this meant something because I’m usually the one to stop him from going too far “So you just disappeared and..”

“What?” I hated not remembering anything.

“I dont know. You took something and you came back after ten minutes totally out of it. We stayed for and hour after that because you didn’t want to leave. After that I got us in an uber and we came here.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Look, something obviously happened during the weekend, I won't ask but you should know better than take something from strangers. You scared me” he glanced at me. I remembered the moment. I was acting like a brat. It must’ve looked ridiculous. I left him and found some girls snorting something in the bathroom. We talked for a while, I think one of them was coming on to me. I said that I was here with a friend but he didn’t want to give me anything so they offered. I had no idea what it was. What was I thinking?

“Im stupid” I told him about what happened “Im sorry. I found out that my mom is having an affair. But, I also suspected that for a while now. My mind was spiraling and I guess I overdid it”

We were quiet for a few moments.

“I’m sorry” he turned to face me and we stared at each other for a while.

“Is it bad that I love the high so much that I’m not at all regretting any of this? It’s the only time I feel happy”

“I don’t know” he answered “If you think I’ll reason you, you asked the wrong guy. I’m in the same spot” we both smiled, but his eyes were filled with sadness. I wonder if mine were too? We would only talk like this high. Our sober conversations didn’t exist, they were empty and meaningless. We hid behind walls that would come down every once in a while, and I cherished those moments. I kissed him softly and fell asleep in his arms soon after

I woke up at noon, Lucas was still sleeping and Im pretty sure he was missing a class, as I was. I wondered if he stayed because he wanted to or because he was taking care of me. I rarely got to see the sensitive side of him that I longed for. I would try and push his buttons sometimes asking him ridiculously touchy-feely questions and he would just laugh it off and tell me to shut up. But I saw in his eyes that he wanted to tell me things but didnt know how to. I knew for a fact that he didn’t have the best relationship with his parents ether, they didn’t speak about things and even if they wanted to I can’t imagine Lucas opening up to anyone, especially his parents.

I remembered almost all of last night. Lucas wasn’t having fun, he was mostly looking after me. I was usually the one giving him water, asking him if he was fine because he would look like a zombie. Sometimes I would only go out because I was scared that no one would be taking care of him. When we started hanging out we were both fairly knew to all of this but I could see how fascinated he was with all of it. I was too. My world went from black and white to technicolor. My, usually, messed up head that was overthinking everything and anything felt blank. It was just living in the moment, swaying on the dancefloor with the people you love.

But seeing him at his worst was painful to watch. It wasn't fun anymore, it made me see the dark side of things. When the high wears off you feel ten times more depressed and ten times more eager to go to the next party, and then the next one. Until your life just becomes waiting. Waiting to get high and drunk and feel things.

Realizing that made me never want to do drugs again, but that would last a couple of days. What scared me was that I knew that even after last night, when Lucas saw me at my probably lowest, he would never think about leaving it. It was captivating, appealing to him. It didn't scare him at all.

I was taking a shower when he knocked at my door.

"Bell, you have a visitor. I’m going out okay?" I soon heard a door swing shut. A visitor? I had come up with at least ten people who would come here after me not looking at my phone for three days straight and I was scared to see every single one of them. God, I hope it wasn’t Ethan meeting Lucas.

I dressed and got out of the bathroom to see Emily standing behind my kitchen counter. She wouldn't even be on the list of fifty people to come here. What was Ethans girlfriend doing in my apartment? And why didnt I clean up a bit?

#fanfic #fanfiction #dolan twins #ethan #grayson #ethan dolan #grayson dolan #iwritethings

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comicteaparty · 5 years

Text

May 23rd, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on May 23rd, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PDT. The chat focused on Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! Our final Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing Maiden of the Machine by Caitlin Like~! (https://maidenmachine.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

i think my favorite scene so far is when elizabeth and victor decide to sleep together. part in for its serious drama. theres so many questions about victor created from just the visuals, and then theres the stakes at hand of elizabeth's reputation. but then, there is also a good balance of comic relief to a degree since victor told her to ask no questions and she asks the one question that he probably didnt see coming. all around it was a pretty satisfactor culmination of their relationship so far at a juncture that felt natural.

another scene i really enjoyed was the ball scene where victor and eric are having a chat about elizabeth and then elizabeth and victor have a passionate liason. im mostly a fan cause of the dramatic convo. cause theres a deep and terrible sense that both characters truly know what their risking, what the situation is, and how they still are into each other. plus, its all very tense cause it just takes one person being in the wrong place at the wrong time to blow their cover.

honestly i think itd be accurate to say all my favorite scenes are with elizabeth and victor. romance is one of those genres i can struggle with, because theres always something missing. but oh man do i love the romance in this comic. there is nothing more i want than to see then elizabeth and victor finding a way to be together in spite society trying to kick that down at every turn.

i will give a special shout out to the scene where eric, abhaya, milo, and the cousin are meeting to discuss the affairs of the estate. i just like it because it basically shows all the characters' worst sides. abhaya is brash and reckless, milo is just kind of there, and eric is a greedy mofo. and whats worse is literally none of them thought to bring elizabeth. they may have their excuses of protecting her...but part of me still thinks thats a super dick move and shows even abhaya just kind of views elizabeth more as a pawn than a person. but all in all, nothing like money and estates to show off everyone's worst traits. it is very true to life, and i can respect that.

another non-victor/elizabeth scene i respect is the scene where elizabeth is out dress shopping and eric is like here i got you these dresses. just cause i knew eric was kind of a creep, but ho boy, he dialed the creep up to number 11 on a 10 meter scale. but at the same time, i think that really helped to erase all sympathy i might have had for him. thus paving the way for me to not really feel guilty on elizabeth's behalf for her trespasses against him.

mathtans

Hello, I made it... unfortunately this is a rather bad week, I only made it through the first two chapters.

RebelVampire

i also like scenes with west in them. cause I like that between all the people around Victor, West seems the most honest in a scoundrel sort of way. Which that is basically what I like about him in every scene. He causes trouble and pushes the limits, but at the same time hes always at least pretty upfront about his intentions.

thats unfortunate cause its a great comic, but glad to see you anyway math!

mathtans

Which kind of sucks, I like the whole concept of the kick ass ladies. Even the pirates.

Maybe I'll find time to read more in the background.

The bit I liked most of what I read I think was back in the first chapter, when Elizabeth makes the callback to when she got out of the ropes at the very start of the story. It was a nice subtle detail which I found very clever.

I'm not at your bits yet but I can see how the Elizabeth/Victor thing is being set up. Also there seems to be some question of whether Abhaya likes him... or possibly other ladies? I may be reading my own interests into that.

RebelVampire

you may be reading your own interests but later on there is a female character i ship abhaya with atm

so there is that

i dont think youve met her yet tho

mathtans

Also, yeah, the whole estate thing creates an interesting dynamic. That was a clever way of using the period to generate conflicts.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. A large focus of the comic is on Elizabeth and Victor’s relationship. At the end of the day, do you think the two will find a way to be together? If so, how will they get over the scandal Elizabeth would face and the fact those around Victor want him to marry a titled woman? If you don’t believe they’ll find a way to stay together, what will stop them? Further, given the most recent events, how will Eric Wollstonecraft play a role in the future of their love story? How does the narration framing seen where Elizabeth is addressing her potential son affect your opinion? How do you think that future came about, and how soon will it come to pass? Last, what do you think of their relationship in terms of Elizabeth wanting to make her own choices in life?

mathtans

I ship Abhaya with everyone.

RebelVampire

yeah i have to say if theres one thing i appreciate its combination of progressive themes while at the same time acknowledging that the period was not the friendliest towards these things

especially in regards to how elizabeth is treated since her only purpose apparently to everyone is to get hitched to a titled guy

and i mean

thats depressing

yet also true to the period

even though we get to see elizabeth take a journey and reject those social conventions

in regards to the current question, i am choosing not to think about whether in the long term elizabeth and victor will get together for the rest of their lives. because if they dont i will cry but i could see this realistically being the case given the tone of the narration. cause that...does not sound like an elizabeth who lives in eternal happiness.

mathtans

Back, sorry. Yeah, I'm usually not much of one for period pieces, but I like the narrative viewpoint. Also, pretty neat airships.

There was the point where she talked about leaving Victor behind back in Chapter 1 (I don't recall the exact circumstances) but I wondered if it was because he causes her heartache, or just because it make their lives more complicated.

Incidentally, the first thing I thought of with the name "Lovelace" was Lady Ada Lovelace. The mathematician. Not sure if that was an intentional reference to another well regarded woman.

RebelVampire

i love period pieces but i think the steampunk aspects help twist it enough to make it a bit more unique.

mathtans

(I don't think the time frames synch up but I don't recall when the comic takes place...)

Oh, it's definitely unique. I like the gadget aspect too.

RebelVampire

i would not be surprised if the name choice was purposeful. if only because the comic has lots of strong ladies. i doubt well see any real historical figures though.

i appreciate that the comic actually kind of starts off with the airship escapade

cause it really showcases the ways in which their world differs

where you get airships

and sky pirates

mathtans

That's a good point. Helps with the world building before we get down into some of the classic period issues.

RebelVampire

yes. and i also kind of like it starts off more action-y. not that there isnt action bits later mind you. but more i think it helps set up the main conflict while tying in the romance. because it makes it so the romance isnt some forced subplot. rather its kind of integral and has as much to do with the whole highjacking as the rest of the story. since later on youll see that elizabeth's proximity to victor keeps bring that part of the story into the limelight

mathtans

That's a good point, in terms of tying things together. Also possibly sets up a key antagonist (or at least revenge plot) in that burned pirate lady.

RebelVampire

she does come back

i will spoil that much

mathtans

I figured she had to some time, whether it was by the present updates or not.

I've resumed reading a bit in the background. Seems like both the Watson ladies are doing their best to get arrested. ^.^

RebelVampire

well at least Abhaya is.

cause Abhaya is a risk taker who puts herself in many situations where people are gonna stop and stare

mathtans

Well, yes. But Elizabeth also seems to be taking risks where Victor is concerned. Or at least stepping out of her comfort zone.

Certain people have certain effects on us I guess.

RebelVampire

nah thats true. I just think Elizabeth just takes more social risks. Like not the kind that are gonna get her arrested, but more the kind that are gonna get her socially shunned.

whereas Abhaya is the punch one who is gonna get charged with assault

mathtans

That seems like a valid viewpoint. It fits with their personalities when we saw them in their youth.

The cutting back and forth between the two sisters in Chapter 3 is well done.

RebelVampire

yeah in general i like the PoV switching of the comic. because every scene is pretty well-chosen and advances the plot in some manner. and it lets us see others parts of the comic developing. cause later on you do get to see more of victor without elizabeth some and get to go "hmm" to all that hes up to.

mathtans

Ha! I like Chapter 3, page 31, where all the dialogue seems to fade out as Victor touches her. Cute.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. Besides romance, there is a larger plot posing real and deadly danger to the characters. Who do you think the Angel is? What are the Angel’s goals, and why is she excessively targeting Victor? Further, what do you think the source of her power is? Also, what does have kidnapping people like Ambrose have to do with her goals? Alternatively, is Ambrose there of his own free will (and if so, why)? Considering Abhaya is being sought by Amabel for help, what do you think Abhaya will do? Will Abhaya be able to uncover more of the truth, or is Abhaya just going to get herself into more trouble? How will Abhaya’s involvement affect Elizabeth and herself? Last, can Amabel be trusted, or is it possible she’ll abandon Abhaya when Abhaya might need her?

spoiler Amabel is who I ship Abhaya with

mathtans

Related to those questions, I do wonder a bit if Victor has a sordid past or something. Like maybe his empire wasn't entirely built on the up-and-up... with his knowledge or possibly without it. So there could be a reason there for him to be targeted.

I've looked on the character page and I approve this ship.

RebelVampire

oh yeah. Victor is 100% definitely a scoundrel. There is one scenes that really hints at this, but even before that i agree with you. Victor is not on the up and up entirely. I don't think he made his fortune without cracking a few skulls.

although idk if this is what makes him a target persay

or maybe it oes

but more in the way hes done the forbidden when it comes to tech

mathtans

Was he totally aware of the repercussions of whatever he did though? Because the people around him seem to like to keep him in the dark.

brb

RebelVampire

im sure he knew the repercussions. the people around him are more about keeping him in the dark about romantic matters. cause as was implied by one of the questions later on you find out the main thing ppl arent telling victor is that elizabeth is just there to open him up to the idea of marriage so he can marry a titled lady

cause everyone is all about those titles

In regards to the current question while you're away, I think Abhaya will help Amabel and get herself caught and get into a whole mess of trouble that for once, Elizabeth will have to break her out of. But I think it'll be a dual sword cause I do think Elizabeth's relationship to both Abhaya and Victor is gonna put her in the crosshairs. cause like, what an easy way to get Victor to show up. Get Elizabeth, tell Victor you'll never see her again if you don't show up.

as for the angel's goals, I feel shes on a path of vengence against the entire world, but particularly victor cause hes high up there in the industrialist chain

and knows something she doesnt and that she needs to bring her plans to fruition

mathtans

Back. Okay, that does make sense, darn titles.

Interesting, this Angel talk. I wonder if it's the same "angel" we see in the title card for Chapter 2?

Sounds like you think it's not personal, the Angel's path, merely that Victor is a convenient figurehead.

RebelVampire

i mean the angel is kind of the one from the title card. those are her wings for sure, though she doesnt look quite like that the one time you meet her

it could be personal, but i feel like the angel just has bigger fish to fry

from the impression i got from her

since shes kidnapping a ton of ppl

and you dont need to kidnap ppl to your cause if all youre doing is hunting down some industrialist

who almost got caught

if not for abhaya and elizabeth

mathtans

Ah, so she's the one behind the disappearances then.

(Still reading in the background.)

RebelVampire

yes. i mean its pretty implied but you get confirmation later that yes its her. though you can definitely speculate on the why

cause i have no clue

shes still enigmatic

mathtans

Looking for a husband? ^.^

RebelVampire

shes reading the wrong romance advice book

when elizabeth and her meet, elizabeth will point her in the right direction

and the angel is like "oh wait so youre not supposed to kidnap them? huh?"

mathtans

And then we ship Angel and Elizabeth.

RebelVampire

no. ill ship Abhaya and Angel

Elizabeth and Victor are the OTP

i said but then was like "nah id totally ship Elizabeth with West"

mathtans

Heh. That's fair, they are the main couple. Though West is an interesting guy, just needs to learn social cues.

RebelVampire

nah thats why west is amazing

he doesnt know social cues

and is awkward

yet helpful

and hes the only dude of victor's who seems to be in elizabeth's corner

mathtans

Right. I think it was said that he's not used to the lifestyle?

RebelVampire

yes that is what he said

which makes me want a side chapter just about what he did before he came to victor

cause i dont feel like victor would just hire some rando. he must of seen something in west

mathtans

Maybe he took pity on the guy, something about the scar.

RebelVampire

that could be cause victor understands the burden of scars

or something like that

whereas i just think west's scar gives him character

QUESTION 4. Mixed in with the present drama is a lot of unsolved past drama. Who do you think Victor really is? What do you think happened to Victor based on Milo’s story that he was telling Abhaya? How do you think Victor managed to overcome this to become the person he is today? Also, what do you make of the room Victor seemed to have sealed off in his house? Besides Victor, there is also a lot of drama between Jules, Abhaya, and Milo. What do you think happened between the three of them that managed to damage their relationship forever? Will spending more time together heal their wounds, or is it impossible at this point? Further, what was Jules up to the whole time he was away with Victor? Last, what do you think Jules’ goals were for introducing Elizabeth and Victor, and why does he seem immensely conflicted about her presence?

mathtans

Sorry, biab

RebelVampire

kay

I think Victor was some fellow servant kid who was Jules' only friend after Jules got sent away. And then Victor almost died. Although I'm changing my previous speculations. Maybe the Angel is more literal and she literally showed up, saved Victor with tech with the promise to return, and then left. So now shes back for her comeuppance. Meanwhile, Victor decided technology was great and he needed to bring it to the world cause it was what would keep him alive and save others.

as for the three, at this juncture it seems pretty heavily implied Milo and Jules were in a relationship and that Milo called off the wedding to Abhaya cause he didnt want to live a lie in regards to how he felt about Jules. Regardless of the what, while Milo i feel will legitimately forgive and forget, I dont feel Abhaya or Jules will. Abhaya cause she doesnt seem the type to ever forgive ever. And to just hold onto her hatred and seethe. Jules in the meantime I think wont forgive until he gets revenge in some way. Cause the two probably betrayed his trust big time and he kind of got the most screwed over by what happened

i think Jules wanted them to meet for the exact reason that the others implied: they want Victor to warm up to the idea of women so he can get married. However, I feel Jules now feels like a jerk who is taking out his anger at Abhaya on Elizabeth who had 0% to do with what happened between the three. and yet he knows hes in too deep to turn back now.

mathtans

Could be that Victor was initially poor... in fact maybe he married into the company somehow? Could the Angel be his wife? o.o

I wondered about Milo and Jules. My initial thought had been that Abhaya had called off the engagement though, so that's an interesting other look at things.

Jules and Elizabeth were close too, back in the day. One wonders if he's that good at seeing how things play out long term.

RebelVampire

nah its definitely his company. but victor was probably poor. if only cause everyone calls him new money. so it means he has no predecessor parent who made their fortune.

Jules strikes me more as the type who things hes great at planning but really, really, really isnt

and then tons of consequences come about that he has to accept and deal with

mathtans

That makes sense and could explain the sympathy for West too, maybe he knows West even though it doesn't necessarily go both ways.

Yeah, Jules seems to think he's got everything well in hand but he doesn't seem to account for the human factor.

Made it to the end of Chapter 4/Act 1 now. Apparently the Angel kidnaps people to literally graft wings onto her spine. Ouch.

Interesting callback to Victor's wounded leg though.

RebelVampire

i think even more than the human factor, Jules is just bad at making plan Bs for when things do go wrong. then panics and makes bad decisions

like not telling victor the factory is in danger

mathtans

Maybe that thing that Victor has in the factory is a time machine. Turns out he's actually from the future, he brought back all the technology and that's why the Angel is after him, she thinks it's stolen.

You're not wrong there, about Jules.

RebelVampire

ya know...i can support this time traveler theory. i mean it doesnt quite fit considering flashbacks

but id 100% buy victor built a time machine

cause why not

victor is amazing

mathtans

Maybe his company is corrupt because they're still trying to get the patents.

RebelVampire

i mean

its a company

so its probably corrupt to some degree regardless

mathtans

That's also a good point.

RebelVampire

i mean i can point out the fact they want victor to marry a titled lady to be a form of corruption. cause thats just marrying someone to advance your social standing for the business

mathtans

I guess we're near the end... haven't said anything about the art yet. I suppose I like the shading, and I thought the sound effect use was clever.

Need someone to star in the commercials.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my wife loves this new device I call a roomba."

RebelVampire

i really love the clothes. i mean theyre simple, and yet all seem to fit within the period that this comic is trying to go for

but if they get a roomba what are the house wives supposed to do

not sit at home cooking and cleaning all day?

also about the art, i really love the steampunk designs. you can definitely tell the steampunk inspiration in them, yet theyre really unique and not really like any steampunk ive seen before

and i can for sure appreciate uniqueness

mathtans

Yeah, that's true. And there was that neat detail of the corset being laced up the front, I wouldn't have thought of that.

Uniqueness is good. I wonder what the machine connection will end up being.

With the whole "maiden of the machine" thing there. (Won't be a roomba, after all.)

RebelVampire

ah thats a good point as well. i loved that detail about the maid being able to tell elizabeth didnt have a maid

mathtans

Maybe Elizabeth gets upgraded too.

RebelVampire

the comic was about the angel all along

and the angel's victory

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up our final Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Caitlin Like, as well, for making Maiden of the Machine. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Caitlin Like’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: https://maidenmachine.com/

Caitlin Like’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/CaitlinLike

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HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan:

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right?

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head).

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids.

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this!

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy.

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read.

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck”

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such.

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

#Anonymous #asks

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acidmatze · 6 years

Text

In which Dabi increasingly thinks that he is stuck in a third rate emo music video

I have no idea why I wrote this. But it wanted to be written. This is Part 1 of the obligatory College AU and everyone is a dork.

It’s not proof read or anything.. Im tired...

It was a kinda gloomy afternoon in late October when it all started. It was raining and the dorm was crowded with students that normally were walking around town but with weather that bad no one really wanted to go out.

Dabi was sitting on the windowsill in the common room and stared outside.

Spinner was in some kind of fight with two other students about some hockey game.

Twice tried to watch some motorcycle race on TV.

He then suddenly jumped and walked over to Dabi with just a few really big steps.

“Dabi, I have an idea!”

Dabi lazily turned around to his friend.

“Shoot.”

“So far we have befriended three people. But I think we need a lot more friends. There are a lot of people here on campus that don't seem to have many friends and no one should walk alone around here. You know, we all need someone to talk to and stuff. You know??”

Dabi blinked a few times.

For some reason since summer, Twice seemed to be obsessed with walking around and trying to talk to people he never talked to before. Dabi was just dragged along. At first Twice started hanging out with Spinner. Then he almost stalked some weird guy called Chisaki. And then his friends. Dabi always felt the weird need to apologise for Twice's behaviour but somehow in the end it all worked out and their circle of friends grew.

Twice blabbered on

“There's this girl I have a few classes with and she's like.. two years younger than us or so I have no idea how she is in college already but she is. I have never seen her with people around and I think we should change that.”

“Uh.... okay? How do you wanna do that?”

“I'm just gonna talk to her on Monday. What do you think?”

“Dunno? Go ahead I guess...?”

Dabi had a vague idea which girl Twice meant.

She was blonde and short and could be cute but there was an eerie air surrounding her. But since Twice's group of friends was a ragtag bunch of misfits she would be fit in just fine. Twice himself was a giant goofball sometimes. In one moment it seemed like he was just a kid trapped in the body of a tall guy in his early 20s. In another moment he would shout the most obscene things anyone has ever heard. Be it in the hallway, in the middle of a lecture, while eating lunch and sometimes in the middle of the night. Dabi knew because even though his room was further down the hallway he could still hear his friend's yelling. It woke him up semi-regularly.

And on some days Twice would just break down sobbing and fled to the bathroom and wouldn't come back for a few hours.

He had no idea about what happened afterwards.

Dabi himself also was far from being the average college student. First of all the appearance.

Then his type of humour. He often insulted people without meaning to because for him it was just friendly banter. And his careless attitude pissed people off. For reasons Dabi cannot explain. What's so bad about not blowing up at every single thing?

“I haven't felt an emotion since 1997” he often said.

“Look how many fucks I give. They are falling from the sky” he also often said.

Chisaki, the first guy they “recruited” was terribly afraid of bacteria and getting ill. They never saw him without wearing gloves and a face mask.

No hand shaking or friendly hugs allowed, thank you.

Please just wave in my general direction.

He was often seen furiously wiping seats, benches, tables, kitchen counters and other places you can sit on.

Sometimes Dabi wondered if it was a good idea for him to study medicine.

On the other hand, if he would become a surgeon no one would need to worry about keeping the operating room sterile.

“We only have guy friends. We also need some girl friends. Not girlfriends... well, maybe those too but I mean like.. girls. Who are our friends.”

“I get what you mean, Twice and I agree. This group is a sausage fest.”

Two days later when Dabi walked to his next lecture he saw Twice down at the campus plaza wildly gesticulating and talking to that girl he wanted to talk to.

She didn't seem to mind.

As far as Dabi could see, whatever Twice was talking about must be funny since she was laughing.

Good. Another weirdo joined the group. Let's see what this eerie feeling is about.

Dabi almost bumped into another student he didn't even had noticed.

“Whoa there. Didn't see you there buddy. Sorry.”

The other student shot a quick glance at Dabi and walked a bit faster. Well, okay...? Maybe he's late for class. Though in his oversized black clothes he almost looked like a high school student.

Weird kid.

This time the common room was almost empty, even though it was raining again.

Why is it always raining the last few weeks?

Dabi stared out of the window again.

“Is this interesting?” Chisaki asked.

“I'm pretending to be an emo girl in a music video. I'm currently missing my boyfriend who broke up with me to fuck my best friend.”

“Okay?”

“It is complicated, you know? He just bought me an expensive ring and told me we will be together forever but then at a party my bff flirted with him and he didn't do anything and now I'm so angry I think I will set his apartment in flames.”

“Dabi? Are you... okay?”

Dabi turned around to Chisaki and pretended to be crying.

“No! I am depressed! I was so in love with him, Rawr!”

Chisaki stared at Dabi for ten seconds.

“Please. Don't say this ever again.”

“Rawr means I Love You in Dinosaur!”

Before Chisaki could smack the lanky bean in the face Twice stormed into the room.

“Guys! Guys, we have a new friend! Say hello to Toga!”

The short girl from earlier today stood in the doorway grinning way too wide for her face.

“Hiiiii~ I'm Toga! I'm so happy to meet you all! Very happy indeed.”

What is up with those teeth? Dabi had never seen canines that sharp. He had heard that some people let their teeth sharpen. But until now he thought someone was playing a very elaborate prank on him. But seems those people seriously exist.

A wave of eeriness hit him.

There's something about this girl that's definitely not normal. But who in this weird clique is normal anyway?

“So what do you guys do all day? You all look totally different, do you even have common hobbies? Like Twicey here looks like a MMA fighter and you look like a law student and you look like you beat up kids and then go home and write sad poems about it.”

Dabi's eye twitched slightly.

“Also you look stoned!”

It twitched even more.

“Law student.....” Chisaki muttered, “I have never been more insulted in my life.”

“We're just hanging out. And sometimes we go play pool and stuff” Twice said.

“Oh that's cool. I collect knives. Do you want to see some?”

Toga was beaming.

Okay, so that's what's wrong with her. That explains so much to be honest.

“I don't think anyone would be interested in....”

Dabi cut Chisaki off.

“Sure we want.”

And a few minutes later they were standing around in Toga's room. Which looked like a normal girl's room. Except for the wall of knives where other girls maybe had posters hanging.

But otherwise, very normal, very pink.

Toga pointed at one of the knives.

“This is the first one I got. I found it one day on a playground. I took it home and cleaned it and sharpened it.” She pointed at another that had sharp wedges.

“This is really great when you want someone to bleed out. When you stab someone with it and they try to rip it out the teeth just get stuck and do more damage. I bought it at a hunting store a few years ago.”

Whoa. Chisaki had gone completely pale. Twice seemed nervous too. Did they have to worry that this girl would break into their rooms at night to do Horrible Things to them?

“I see your worried faces and I want to reassure you that I only collect them.”

At least she's sane.

“I also collect other things! Like articles from the newspapers.” Toga shuffled over to a drawer that was completely plastered with hearts and peace signs and whatnot.

She pulled out a folder and went through the pages a bit.

“Here. This one, for example is about a case of unexplained murders in the 80s. I have collected every little bit of information I could find about it. Which is very hard by the way. Do you know how weird it feels to google all that stuff? And this one is about that guy who abducted and killed five women like a year ago.”

Nope, completely insane.

But in a weirdly nerdy way.

“And now I am collecting stuff about a string of weird cases of mutilated animals found on roadsides around Yokohama. No one really investigates that! Can you believe it? Just because it's not people. I think that's not fair. Animals have lives too.”

She closed the folder and huffed.

Dabi crossed his arms.

“So you're like... playing detective? Finding out more about it?”

Toga's face lit up.

“Wow, I never thought about that. I could totally find out the truth. I know everything!”

Chisaki leaned over to Dabi and whispered: “Hey, can we go now? I still have to write an essay and also this is creeping me out.”

“Dunno man. I think that's definitely a weird hobby but she seems harmless.”, Dabi whispered back.

“Yeah maybe, but I'm out, cheers.”

Chisaki marched out of the room without even saying goodbye.

Twice and Dabi remained.

“Oh nooooo I scared him away.”

“He's just horrible when it comes to blood” Twice tried to explain.

“Oh yeah you should have seen his face, when I was hit by a baseball once and it almost knocked out a tooth. I thought he would faint any second.”

Toga grinned.

“He really acts like a law student.”

“He studies medicine.” Twice said.

Toga just stared at the guy.

“You're joking, right?”

Twice shook his head.

And then Toga had a hysterical laughing fit that lasted so long that Dabi briefly considered to call an ambulance.

It was already dark when Twice and Dabi went back to their rooms. The fact that it was already dark didn't mean that it was late though. The sun was already setting at 6pm.

“She's weird as fuck but I'd be lying if I would say what she said wasn't interesting. I don't know why I would need to know about serial killers but somehow I do now.”

Dabi was rambling.

“So you like her? You think she fits in with us?”

“Yeah kinda. Maybe. But I don't mind her hanging out with us.”

Twice pumped his fist in the air.

“Yeah! A new friend! Oh can you wait here for a minute? I wanna head over to the kiosk and get some snacks.”

“Sure. Knock yourself out.”

Dabi leaned back at the wall and Twice hurried out of the main door.

Empty corridors. Silence.

Pretending to be a a girl in some music video again, Dabi imagined walking down the hallways crying about some lost love and unfair parents. For some reason the sprinklers were on. The eyeliner is running dramatically over the wet cheeks. Emo girl is looking at her wrist where she wrote the name of her ex with a sharpie. It's also running from the water from the sprinklers. Some guitar solo is playing in the background. Emo girl gets angry and punches the wall.

She swears revenge. Maybe burning something down would help. Maybe destroying things....

“Hey, what are you doing there?”

Dabi looked up. Oh, he really had wandered through the hallway. But without the sprinklers and the sharpie and the cheating boyfriend.

In front of him stood the guy from before. Black oversized hoodie, black jeans, black Converse. God, is that a Senses Fail patch?

How emo, Dabi thought, ignoring the fact that he also has a Senses Fail patch on his backpack.

No one needs to know.

The guy still stares at him.

Oh Jesus, please someone get him lip balm. And some moisturiser. Because this dude looks dead.

“I was just dramatically walking around, thinking about my cheating boyfriend.”

“What?”

“Ah nothing. It was a joke. Sorry again for bumping into you earlier.”

“Ah. Its fine.” The guy shoved his hands back in his pockets and walked back in the direction he came from.

That's not where the dorms are. Weird.

“Hey Dabi, I'm back”

Dabi was lightly punched in the shoulder.

“Nice. Dude, have you seen that weird dude in the wannabe emo clothes just now?”

Twice seemed confused.

“Emo dude..? No. I haven't seen anyone.”

Dabi scratched his head.

He also never had seen that guy before. Is he a ghost or something?

Over the next few days Dabi ran into that guy over and over again. But every time he asked someone about him, no one had an idea who he was talking about. He ran into him in the bathroom during lunch break. He ran into him in the library. He ran into him while running cross campus to catch a bus. Had this dude always been there and Dabi just didn't notice?

“You always look like you're searching for something. Are you okay?” Toga asked. They were walking down a popular shopping street in town. Toga wanted to meet with a friend of hers and asked everyone if they want to come with her but only Dabi agreed.

“I think I might have seen a ghost. Also, I'm not okay.”

Toga's eyes went wide. “A ghost?? A really spooky one? The one that haunts your dreams by night? Where have you seen it?”

“Everywhere, basically. And he even shows up during the day. I need proof that this guy really exists.”

“Wooooooooow..... A real mystery. Maybe my friend can help you. She's great with mysteries.”

They arrived at a small café.

Toga was running towards some guy in brown cargo pants who was waving at her. But didn't Toga say “she”? Oh. Okay.

Then Toga ran back to Dabi grabbed his arm and pulled him with her.

“This is my best friend, Magne. She's basically like my sister. If you need help with mysteries, then talk to her.”

Dabi awkwardly shook her hand. Wow that's a strong handshake. “I took the liberty of already ordering some cake for me. I just couldn't wait. So, what is this mystery you are talking about?” They sat down at one of the small tables. It was weirdly warm for October this week so somehow everyone was still outside.

“Basically I am chasing a guy only I can see, it seems. I never have seen him before but suddenly he is everywhere. But when I ask someone about him no one knows what I'm talking about.” Dabi explained.

“Wow that really is something. By the way, Toga you should order the Strawberry Shortcake it's the best I have ever eaten. Okay, so if you need proof that this mysterious guy really exists you maybe should take a picture of him?”

“Isn't that creepy as fuck?”

“Well, for me it would be way creepier if I would see a guy no one else can see. If you can take a picture of him you know he's real at least.”

That girl has a point there.

Sadly, after this the guy vanished. Over the course of the next weeks Dabi grew more and more frustrated.

He felt like he was stuck in some third rate emo music video.

Maybe he should let his hair grow out a bit and get blue streaks. “Dabi, you look like you're constipated. Do you need help?” Chisaki offered one day.

“I'm not okay” Dabi mumbled.

“Yeah I can see that. Seriously, if you have problems with your digestive system, I know some drops that really...”

“I can shit just fine, Chisaki.” “Oh. Then.. care to explain what's wrong?”

Dabi sprawled himself out on his bed.

Chisaki was standing in the middle of the room. He forgot his wipes and spray and wasn't brave enough to take a seat on Dabi's really old office chair.

Dabi groaned.

“This guy...... This weird guy I told you about... The one I am always running into. I'm not running into him anymore.”

Chisaki furrowed his brows.

“And that's a problem why...?”

Dabi sat up and threw his arms in the air.

“It makes me feel like a fucking madman! I know this guy exists. I have even talked to him like once. Almost. He needs some damn lip balm and looks like dead itself. And now that I was ready to take a pic of him and prove his existence once and for all he vanishes!”

“You want to take a pic of him?”

Dabi groaned again.

“I know that sounds like a stalker. But I just wanna prove that he exists. It seems like no one but me has ever seen him.”

“Dude... you do you. But who knows. Maybe he was an intern or stuff. I wouldn't waste a single thought about the whole thing.”

So Dabi tried to not waste a single thought about the whole thing.

He tried so hard and got so far. But in the end, it doesn't even matter. Because two days later he caught himself looking for that guy again.

It was already close to Christmas. And the dude remained gone.

Dabi was in the library looking for some books to read. Maybe that would distract him. He just wanted to check out when he saw him. Emo dude. With the oversized hoodie. Coming in through the front door. Dabi almost dropped his books. He imagined he was a girl in an emo music video who sees her crush. He walks past her and their eyes meet. Maybe he was smiling, maybe he was not. Everything is in slow motion. The people around them vanish. It's only those two. When he passed her everything is back to normal. Guitar solo.

Dabi wanted to slam his fucking books on the floor.

Then he walks into emo dude while crossing a bridge. Okay, emo music video. It's raining. Girl was just dumped by some stupid jackass. She is desperate and doesn't know what to do. Maybe she should jump but the bridge isn't really high. She's nervous. After contemplating for a while she sees Him. Some emo dude walking towards her, asking her if everything is alright. It's still raining but also now the sun is shining. Everything is well now even though there is still sadness in her heart. Forever. Guitar solo.

Dabi seriously contemplates to jump into the river below.

The third time he runs into him is at a bus stop. Some old lady is also there but that's it.

“Hold still!” Dabi says harshly and the guy looks at him, startled.

Dabi takes out his cellphone and takes a pic of the dude.

“What...... why...?”

“I explain later. Don't worry, I will delete the pic soon. I just have to prove something to someone.”

Emo dude is chewing on his lower lip. His leg seems shaky. Dabi sighs.

“Look. I know that was creepy as fuck but you won't believe the hell I went through to get this pic. As soon as I prove that you exists I will delete it.” “That I exist..?”

“Yeah.”

Fuck that sounds stupid. Oh god so stupid and creepy and.... hell, Dabi has to explain this seriously now.

He groans.

“Okay, there is no way to explain this without sounding weird. Remember back in October when I almost ran you over?” Emo dude nods. Dabi can see strands of blueish grey hair. Is that dye?

“Good. I thought to that day I had seen everyone on campus. But I never had seen you. So I asked my friend about you and he said he doesn't know about you. And he literally is friends with everyone. And then I kept running into you. But every time I wanted my friend to look at you you vanished. Like a fucking ghost or something. It was... kinda pissing me off somehow. And we kept running into each other but I was either alone or you did that magical vanishing thing.”

Emo kid stared at Dabi in silence.

“I kinda got all riled up about this. And then I didn't see you again and I seriously thought I was going crazy or had seen a ghost or something. A friend had told me to take a picture to prove it. But then I couldn't because I didn't see you. But now I did. And now I can prove it. And now I can have peace of mind.”

The dude still stared at Dabi.

Ah fuck.

Oh, wait.

Dabi pulled out the phone again.

“I could also delete the pic right now. And take you to my friends instead. You know... In the flesh?”

“You want me to meet your friends..?”

Dabi nodded.

“You're always alone. Maybe you could need some friends.”

“Friends....” Emo dude looked at the ground. Spit stains everywhere, ewwww.

“Okay... Take me to your friends.”

“Ah I can't today. Maybe we could meet at that church at 4pm tomorrow?”

Emo dude shrugged.

“Okay....”

Dabi wanted to shake his hand, but emo dude didn't react. He awkwardly pulled his hand back and coughed.

“Okay then.... Until tomorrow. And I'm Dabi, by the way.”

“Tomura... I'm Tomura...”

Then Dabi's bus arrived. Time to visit his mom in the hospital.

He sat down at the window.

Okay. Emo music video. Girl just had a date but it didn't go as planned. Maybe she should have listened to her bff, she had a bad feeling about this all the time. It's raining. It's also raining in emo girl's heart. She had sadness for breakfast. She should have stayed home and spend the time with her bff instead. Now that she thinks about it, bff was always there for her. Every time emo girl needed a shoulder to cry on bff was there. The rain represents the tears she wants to cry but cannot because this is a public setting and that would be embarrassing. Emo girl thinks maybe she should have dated bff instead. There is thunder in the background as the bus drives into the darkness. Guitar solo.

#my writing #Dabi #boku no hero academia #Shigaraki tomura #as an unknown emo dude #this is part 1 #i wuill write part 2 as soon as I am concious again #please give me attention

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fialleril · 7 years

Text

Replies to ‘Flowers for the Emperor’

So I’m hideously behind on my replies. (Seriously. So far behind that the folks I’m replying to probably don’t even remember what they said, lol.) But dang it, I’m getting them done! Eventually.

I’m gonna do a post for each fic I owe people replies to, so I don’t spam people.

Here’s the replies for the last DAV fic, Flowers for the Emperor.

@w3-4r3-th3-f1r3 said

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD GUYS GUYS THE FLOWERS OH MY GOD

OHHHH MY GOD I LOVE THE IDEA OF THE WHOLE FLOWER LANGUAGE BEING WRAPPED UP IN FOLK HISTORY SO MUCH

AND THAT POOJA COULD RECOGNIZE AND UNDERSTAND IT BECAUSE SHZ KNEW THE STORIES THATS SOMETHING THAT MAKZS MY RESEARCH-HAPPY HEART FUCKING SOAR I SWEAR TO GODDDDD

and Leia’s line, “and we’ll have flowers”.. I PUNCHED THE AIR SO HARD I HURT MY ELBOW BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I HEAR HER SAY THAT CLZAR AS DAY IN MY HEAR. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS

Thank you! :) Apparently the moral of this story (and arguably the entire DAV universe) is that it pays to be a nerd. The revolution is fought (and won) with folk tales and poetry and flowers.

@threadsketchier said

#I HAVE NEVER HIT REBLOG SO HARD IN MY LIFE #i'm so thirsty for naberrie family fics #& my thirst is slaked #night: made #crack!fic goals #majestic #*flaming elmo gif* #it's ok that we're still not at bespin #because we get more quality content like this #the family that slays together #say it with flowers #that may be my new tag for this lol #lastly #YAAAASSSSSSSSSS

Ha ha thanks. :) This fic basically turned into a vehicle for all my Naberrie headcanons, with a side of double agent Vader shenanigans, so I’m glad you enjoyed that.

Also “say it with flowers” sounds like a catchy advertising slogan and now I’m picturing Darth Vader doing TV ads, so thanks for that.

@miriannemiri said

fabulous! absolutely fabulous! the way he told her to get out was fabulous and just all the inside jokes possible with this and the way he almost tested her the first time! Also as someone who used flower language in literary analysis while getting my master's this just tickles me fabulous addition

Oh my goodness, I’m delighted to get a seal of approval from somebody who actually knows flower language!

I imagine the scene just after the end of the fic is Pooja telling Ryoo all about the different bouquets, and Ryoo cracking up laughing at each one.

@themoosejthm said

#A NEW FIC #AND IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD #READ THE THING #ALSO THAT FAM REUNION IS GOING TO BE AWKWARD AS FUCK #we also see more of Anakin being an awkward duck and just...swanning away from conversations midway through them #the language of flowers on naboo is also a thing of beauty #also it was really beautiful how present Padme was in this piece even though she's been dead for years #just...FIA AT IT AGAIN WITH THE GOOD FIC

Yessss, I’m so glad people are commenting on awkward turtleduck Anakin. He’s so awkward, but he gets away with it because people are so terrified that they think he’s being intimidating, when in fact he just...doesn’t know how to end a conversation.

Padme keeps popping up in dreams and memories because the idea of writing a story without her in it at all is just too terrible to contemplate.

@stereden said

#when someone who married into your culture knows your flower language better than you Palpatine it may be time to admit that you're an idiot #can I just say how much I adore the idea of Ekkreth basically telling Palpatine TO HISFACE that he's acting against him and will kill him #FOR PADME #and using Padme's culture to do so #imagine Anakin and Padme spending time together and Padme teaching him about Naboo and her traditions #and Anakin tells her stories of Tatooine #because for all that he hates the planet and what it represents #he learned a lot there #and in his darkest hours it's those lessons he remembers and uses to free himself #one story at a time #one bouquet at a time

Thank you for these lovely tags!

Palpatine is a Serious Galactic Political Force, the inane superstitions and provincial traditions of villagers and slaves do not concern him.

By the time Pooja sees her first bouquet, Anakin’s been sending them for several years already and got his delivery down to a science, but I think the first time he sent the flowers he actually thought that Palpatine would be able to read them, and he fully expected his Master to take his anger out on him, even if he didn’t suspect Vader as the sender. Anakin was just too depressed to care. But then to his surprise it turned out that Palpatine couldn’t read the secret language of his own people (which, to an Anakin who’s now thinking largely in Tatooine terms, is practically a moral judgment itself). And once he knew he could get away with it, he got really into it.

Both Pooja and Anakin think of the bouquets as Padme’s flowers, though for different reasons.

kiralamouse said

Y’all, if you aren’t reading Double Agent Vader, you’re missing out. It’s fractally beautiful, the little details mirroring the big picture mirroring the middle-ground means, that injustice must be shattered (and shall be, by the reassembled broken bits reforged into immutable objects). Also, secret admirer flowers being secret death threats. Details.

#best au #incidentally thanks fia for the fact that i can no longer not see your religious worldbuilding in canon #no seriously thanks #this fills the hole so perfectly that canon has yet to contradict

Thank you so much for this really beautiful image, wow. I’m flustered.

Also delighted that you like the Tatooine culture. :)

@thecookiemonster77 said

#!!!!!!!!!! #EEEEEEEEE DAV UPDATE!!!!! :DDDDDDD #IM YELL #I love ani what a nerd #*enters conversation* *doesn't know what to do* #*scuttles away* #same ani #same #but also!!!!!!! padmes family!!!!!! pooja!!!!!!!!!!!! #and flower fic!!!!!! #I'm so excited the hate bouquets became an official part of this installment omg #ani u nerd #I'm just. so in love w how they throw their disdain in palatines face #literally #like???? I just love their resistance and how they take whatever humor they can get #and!!!!!! using tales and flowers for rebellion!!!!!!!!!!! #dex as a part of the rebellion!!!!!!!!! #ITS WONDERFUL

:D I’m so glad people enjoyed awkward!Vader because honestly, he’s so much fun. A giant terrifying nerd. Someday in the future, once a lot of things have come out, Pooja is going to tease him so hard about this.

There’s an old saying that the thing that infuriates the Devil most is being laughed at. I feel like that’s true for Palpatine, as well. Of course, right now he doesn’t realize he’s being laughed at, but there’s a certain satisfaction in that, too. And it keeps people going. Laughter is important for a rebellion.

Also I am literally incapable of not name-dropping Dex at some point in my AUs, so the biggest surprise here is that he took so long to show up.

@fairandfatalasfair said

This was fantastic.

I love the parallel between Ryoo’s research and the traditional stories of Naboo, ignored because how could romantic poetry be relevant? and the insignificant folk stories that inspired Anakin’s change of alleigance.

I love the awkward conversation between Pooja and Anakin, and her complete unpreparedness for being questioned on the floral arrangements by the emperor’s right hand. (I’m not totally sure whether he’s reminding her not to give away the joke, or just checking whether she shared her aunt’s interest in flower language, or something else entirely, but regardless it’s a delightful exchange.)

I love the flower Pooja leaves behind - a last message for the emperor. It’s so in keeping with the rest of what we see of her in this, very different in tone from the gloating, personal hatred of Vader’s bouquets. That principled declaration of unflinching intent to see democracy victorious, hidden in something fragile and beautiful and insignificant, is exactly what she’s been doing here all along. And Palpatine will never know.

#Stories are important

#And everyone knows this except Palpatine

#I'm not even going to go into the dramatic irony because at this point that's just the defining reality of the AU

#But it's still simultaneously delightful and also killing me

#because Pooja's like inches from putting together who sent the flowers and misses it because it just seems too implausible

#okay maybe I'm going into it a little bit

#anyway beautiful story

Thank you for such an epic comment!

This entire AU is not so secretly centered around the power of stories to inspire and create resistance, so I’m glad people are enjoying that. :)

Also I imagine that to someone like Palpatine, things like flower language and folk tales and poetry are all considered childish and feminine, and therefore unimportant. So there’s a double sense of enjoyment in seeing those things lead to his downfall.

Anakin originally approached Pooja in that awkward exchange because he wanted to see if she really understood the meaning of the flowers - and if that meant he actually had an audience for them now. (Anakin’s a little bit of a showboat, tbh, and he hasn’t really been able to exercise that tendency in a long time. Sending messages to Palpatine that the Emperor can’t understand is satisfying, in its way, but it’s much more satisfying to known someone else does understand.)

Only once he’s confirmed that yes, she definitely can read the message, he has no idea how to end the conversation. So he just kind of...leaves. Like the awkward duck he is.

I’m glad you like Pooja’s flower at the end. :) And the important difference, ultimately, between her (and Leia) and Anakin. Anakin’s doing this in some sense for Padme - she loved the Republic so he’ll fight to bring it back - but ultimately, he still doesn’t really believe in the ideal of the Republic, and democracy is still a pretty meaningless concept to him. He’s out for a personal revenge, and he is actually invested in the Tatooine revolution, but the Rebellion as an organization is a lot more abstract to him.

Pooja, though, is really Padme’s ideological heir, even if she’s crafted her public image to be Padme’s opposite. She is fighting for democracy, for a core set of principles, for the ideal of the Republic she genuinely hopes to create.

@astudyinimagination said

#dammit uncle ani pls talk to your niece like a normal person#honestly when everything finally comes out this is going to be the most awkward family reunion in history#in other news#yes that is a washington post reference#i couldn’t resist#and of course the naboo have multiple flowers representing democracy#of course they do#the lyane rose is the flower padme’s parade dress in tpm is made to look like#also i’m continuing my one person campaign to write fema baab as a master spy#in all universes apparently#and finally it’s possible the bits with mon mothma at the end#conflict in minor ways with rogue one

Well, for starters, this is an AU so if anybody minds that it conflicts with Rogue One, that’s just… silly. (And I adored the movie and I ain’t bothered. ;) )

YES ANAKIN TALK TO YOUR NIECE AND DON’T BE SO RUDE. PADME IS PROBABLY FACEPALMING. HONESTLY, ANAKIN.

And what I probably should have started this sort-of review with is that I’m SO GLAD that one tumblr post snowballed into something that made you want to write something as glorious as this. Thank you so much for actually doing it!

AND POOJA IS SO AMAZING. I just… I love the potential of Padme’s nieces as characters. I bet they were amazing. <3 And I love the way you flesh out the Naberries. *gives them all some much-needed hugs*

Oh yes, and the way that this fic is predominantly female characters is lovely. That’s always a plus. :) (Mon Mothma was great. I loved her. And she’s totally enjoying the knowledge that Darth Vader sent an important message through flowers. :D )

I love Pooja’s assessment that Palpatine had never forgiven Padme for being a better person and not being as ambitious as he was. That’s great. :D

I love Leia and Pooja being friends (oh my gosh, they’re cousins and they don’t even know it and cousins who are good friends is a thing I love). And Leia being so gleeful about her bestie’s symbolic shenanigans is wonderful. (I just… it’s odd, maybe, but I just feel like Leia and Anakin are sort of besties—they have a lot that they share with each other that they can’t share with anyone else. They’re unknowingly biological father and daughter, basically adoptive father and daughter… and they’re besties. And that makes me so happy. :) )

“One day we’ll tell all the stories again. And we’ll have flowers.” —I LOVE THIS LINE.

I have to admit, I wouldn’t have thought that there could be a purge of Senators when the Senate is abolished, but it makes sense. And honestly, that part was truly scary in a way that I haven’t felt from any fics in a long time. Maybe because it was a little more real? Pooja’s amazing, but she’s not Force-sensitive and she doesn’t exactly have the Skywalker luck to get out of Situations. (Heck, maybe it even connected with some old recurring nightmares of mine subconsciously, now that I think about it.) That was genuinely scary. *shivers*

So thank goodness Anakin could give Pooja that message, and thank goodness Pooja and her handmaidens and her family got safely away! Here’s hoping she and Anakin saved a lot of lives!

Oh my goodness this comment is epic! :)

Anakin’s always had an awkward streak, but combined with the additional awkwardness of interacting with someone he hasn’t seen in years, who happens to think he’s dead and to be terrified of the person she thinks he is...and then on top of that the realization that, having determined she can indeed read the flower message, he has no idea where to take the conversation next.... Welp. Better to just nope on out of there.

(Also Darth Vader is frequently awkward in the movies and I feel like fandom doesn’t talk about that enough, so I’m on a quest to write awkward!Vader as often as possible.)

I’m glad you enjoyed all my Naberrie headcanons! I had lots of fun with them and I really need to write them more.

Mon Mothma was great. I loved her. And she’s totally enjoying the knowledge that Darth Vader sent an important message through flowers. :D

She so is. Honestly she’s probably hoping for The Reveal just so she can finally tell people this ridiculous but true story.

I love Pooja’s assessment that Palpatine had never forgiven Padme for being a better person and not being as ambitious as he was. That’s great. :D

Thanks! I suspect Pooja is right on the money, too, though of course she doesn’t know that Palpatine also has the joy of tormenting Anakin with his endless parties on the anniversary of Padme’s death. But I think he’d have done the same thing even without Anakin, because he really did hate Padme on her own account.

Pooja and Leia already having a pretty close friendship is going to make at least one part of The Reveal easier. And yeah, I think Leia and Anakin do see each other primarily as friends, with a father-daughter dynamic because it’s a friendship with that level of age gap. It’s not unlike the relationship between Shmi and Anakin, actually: a parent-child relationship that’s really a partnership, a relationship between equals. Leia calls Anakin her teacher, and he does consider her his student (though he’s never actually used that language), but the relationship doesn’t look anything like any teacher-student relationship in his experience. He’s not her master, and neither of them have ever called her his apprentice. He doesn’t give her orders. He doesn’t tell her not to ask questions. They’re friends.

My headcanon for this ‘verse is that the entire Senatorial contingent of the Rebellion got out before Palpatine dissolved the Senate, so this operation, at least, was a resounding success. :) And while Palps must think that someone tipped them off, it certainly couldn’t have been Vader, who was light years away chasing down Princess Leia above Tatooine, and who has always hated politicians anyway.

148 notes · View notes

snkpolls · 7 years

Text

SnK Chapter 95 Poll Results

The chapter 95 poll closed with 1,069 responses. Thank you to everyone for participating. Let’s do this!

RATE THE CHAPTER (1,019 Responses)

75% of respondents had a favorable reaction for “Liars”. Less than 1% expressed extreme dissatisfaction.

I actually loved this chapter! I was kinda meh on the Marley arc at first, but this completely changed my feelings on it!! Seeing everything from the Warriors' perspective is a refreshing change of pace.

Bertolt is the God of Destruction, RBA deserved better, Magath is actually a nice guy, poor Porco has a terrible name and deserves more love

This is the first chapter in the Marley arc I've wholeheartedly enjoyed. I was always looking forward to getting the Warriors' perspective, but the way in which it's been done has been terrible pacing wise, if definitely interesting story-wise; consequently I've had mixed feelings about the recent chapters. But this one managed to really make me feel for the characters and their tragic, terrible circumstances for the first time in awhile.

Good chapter in terms of lore although kinda meh in terms of story development

I liked the chapter, and the Marley thing we are going through, but I would still like to return to the walls

Not the strongest chapter, feels the same kind of "recap-y" that 63 did, but still a solid outing. I'm convinced we're staying in Marley as the main location for the final arc of the series, with the main cast's appearance kicking events into overdrive.

IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, ISAYAMA REFERRED TO MARLEY AS AN “ARC”, NOT A VOLUME. WOULD YOU BE HAPPY IF THE MARLEY PERSPECTIVE CONTINUES FOR AN ENTIRE 16 CHAPTERS? (1,046 Responses)

We are a fandom divided.

I feel guilty about complaining too much but I really am bitter that I have to wait another month to potentially be disappointed again

I'm kinda concerned where the series is going‚ it seems like Isayama's taking it slow as he's running out of time

As much as i am loving all of this marley pov i do crave for just...idk something else. Like don't get me wrong i love finally getting more explorations of Reiner but it would be better to have some variation: like what about bertholht, why is he a warrior?? and annie; is her dad still around?

I can see why Isayama's doing this, but it feels v e r y s l o w.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I kinda miss eren.

HOW MANY MORE CHAPTERS FROM THE MARLEY PERSPECTIVE WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE? (1,043 Responses)

48.6% would like to see the Marley Files end in 1-3 months. 25.8% of the fandom is much more flexible. Judging from the write in comment, trust in Isayama is still high.

I would be happy if Marley took over the whole manga

I want the main cast to reappear, but to see them from the Marley perspective

I would've like to get back to the Walldians by now, but I think I'm good for another chapter or two of the Warriors.

I'd like the perspective to switch between marley and paradis

Depends if Pieck is often seen.

Looking forward to seeing the fall of Shinganshina from the warriors perspective

I'm starting to think Isayama will troll so hard. Marley Arc to the bitter end. Sasuga Isayama.

If this means we're going to remain in Marley for a while, I hope we'll at least get to see something exciting soon, like maybe at the festival. So far we've been getting more information than action, so I'd like to return to that action soon. I also can't wait to learn more about the Tyber family and meet the members.

WHICH STATEMENT MOST CLOSELY MATCHES YOUR FEELINGS FOR THE MARLEY CHAPTERS AS A WHOLE? (1,044 Responses)

Nearly everyone who responded has enjoyed the Marley focus. 39% would be happy with a little more, while 31% liked it but are ready to return to the main cast.

On the negative side, 3.4% said that while it was necessary they didn’t enjoy it. Only .4% said it ruined their enjoyment of the series.

I like the Marleyan perspective, honestly if the rest of the series was like this (with a few chapters focused on the main cast of course) I think that would be great!

I felt the Marley perspective was necessary but I was bored most of the time. And now I'm just desperate to head back to the main cast.

I enjoyed the Marley perspective and I'm fine with more of it but something has to happen because I'm starting to get bored

This series has just been a series of peaks (Piecks?!) and whenever I think that it's surely gotten as good as it can get, they surprise me. The 30 day wait is hellish lately, more so than ever before.

HOW BADLY DO YOU WANT TO RETURN TO THE ORIGINAL CAST ON PARADIS? (1,040 Responses)

While the previous questions have shown we are patient people, a solid 50% would sell their soul, or at least consider it, for a return to the original cast.

Lemme see the main cast again, but keep the best girl

I would still love to know if Jean has grown some ill-adviced facial hair, but I also love the Marley chapters.

I at least want a glimpse of the Walldians post-time skip! I especially want to see Colossal Armin and if amputee-kun is Eren! I'm okay with a couple more chapters in Marley since I trust Isayama that this part of the story will be important (plus the characters are interesting and I enjoy seeing RBA flashbacks), but I just miss the old crew and want to see what they've been up to the past few years!

I feel like in all honesty, I enjoy the Marley perspective but I'd like to see how our 104th cast is doing. I'd really hate for them to do the same thing to Reiner and Co and recreate Shiganshina.

BOI I want to see the original squad again PLEASE

I love the Marley Arc!

Wake me up when the main casts return

WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT OF THE CHAPTER? (1,038 Responses)

Judging from the write in comments, Pieck is the best girl. 33% of us had a favorite moment that involved her. Seeing the Paradis mission from the perspective of the warriors and the reveal of the Tyber family had 17% and 18% respectively.

tag yourself im zeke being super enthusiastic over pieck

Boooring... except for sasuga pieck. That part made me laugh.

Zeke's subtle way of warning everyone that the room is bugged, and Pieck and Reiner immediatly understanding.

I was excited to learn about the 9th titan, the Tybar family and Zeke praising Pieck. Very heart-broken for Reiner though.

Tired of seeing Marcel get eaten. Its a little repetatitive

HOW MUCH WORSE CAN REINER’S LIFE GET... FROM THE NEW CHAPTERS, WHICH OF THESE IS THE MOST TERRIBLE MOMENT FOR HIM? (1,032 Responses)

Each new event of Reiner's life is like beating a piñata of misery. Everything is terrible and the sadness candy just keeps spilling out. When the piñata is done, they beat Reiner with the bat instead.

Learning of Marcel's lie, immediately followed by Marcel's death, giving him no chance for closure or resolution

Tough one.. but i say his mom's pressure & the conflict of seeing pradise ppl as normal human being & still having to kill them.

I want some form of lasting happiness for Reiner Braun

#ProtectReiner854

Reiner seems to have inherited Ymir's real titan power: the Complex and Depressing Backstory Titan

I would like everyone to hug the shit out of Reigner.

Being Reiner is suffering. Seeing his face the page after his own father refused to acknowledge him as human broke something inside of me. Also Galliard is still a dick but I'm disliking him less.

NEW CHARACTERS MEAN NEW SHIPS. HAVE ANY CAUGHT YOUR INTEREST? (1,040 Responses)

Someone please remind me to never give “Other” as an option for a shipping question :/ I do, however, appreciate that almost 60% of you would like Reiner to have a bit of happiness.

Annie x freedom from her crystal, Pieck x being exactly right, porco x death, Isayama x vague hints, Zeke x tea, Everyone x Happiness (except them motherfucking Marleyans) and my personal notp, Zevi, were a few of the many write in answers.

WHAT IS THE MOST INTERESTING NEW REVELATION FROM THE CHAPTER? (1,034 Responses)

Last month learning the identity of the 9th titan was high on everyone’s wish this. This month we got it. 52.5% were most happy to learn about Warhammer.

At least we know the 9th titan. Just a decent chapter, Not my favorite of this arc though.

Really enjoyed this chapter, did not expect a mention of the ninth Titan. The montage of the Warriors was really awesome too.

Tybur family's new plot introduction is very intersting! I still think zakrus in pradise is shady as hell.. maybe he'll play a role in pradise fall.. pradise cant be too unified. Marley is not unified either.

I'm so excited to see more of the Tyber family. Their brief scene is drawn in an epic and mysterious fashion - symbols of seashells, flowing robes, a man with a clenched fist and correspondingly flowing golden locks standing before a crowd. I expect them to play a pivotal role in whatever comes.

MAGATH IS SO FAR THE ONLY MARLEYAN WHO HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THE WARRIORS AS HUMANS. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM? (1,027 Responses)

Magath is perfectly meh. About 50% of us place him in the dead center between “tiniest gold star ever” and “swell guy.”

Magath is on the Eldians team. He loves and cares about all the Warriors, is possible he loves them as his children...I thought it was cute how he asked them to finish their mission and come home together! Hes like a tsundere "I-Its not like i care about you eldian demons!"

FAVORITE CHARACTER THUS FAR IN THIS ARC? (1,043 Responses)

Reiner wins by a landslide. I think it comes as no surprise to anyone that Pieck has a solid showing with 17%. Zeke came in 3rd with 9.3%

Zeke's unique & bizzarre nature.. immense cruelty + cleverness + immature nature + bizzare obession of games, playing & his twisted concept of fun! This guy is a very interesting mixture indeed.

Pieck is a great new character.

Tbh the series is kind of getting boring but Pieck is Bae

Reiner has become my absolute favorite character in the series.

LEAST FAVORITE CHARACTER THUS FAR IN THIS ARC? (1,029 Responses)

Reiner’s dad edged out his mom for least favorite character, but the real news is that 24% of people hate Gabi and Porco even more than Reiner’s terrible parents.

Can i just pick both of Reiner's parents?

Reiners father and mother are both trash i'm taking him away i'm his mother now.

Asshole marley soldier who made bomb noises @ the disabled soldiers

Karina Braun doesn't deserve the hates she gets, she wasn't tricking Reiner...she legit believed ths they would live with his father one day, she really loves him and you see her pain filled face when Reiner lies and says "It was hell"

I like Porkboi more than I'd like to admit.

If I was the Colossal Titan I would find Reiner's father and flip him what would literally be the biggest middle finger ever.

Can't stand Porco. Won't ever forgive him for Ymir. Won't ever forgive Reiner or Bert for Ymir either tbh

HAS THIS CHAPTER CHANGED YOUR FEELINGS TOWARDS THE WARRIORS (1,023 Responses)

51.2% say yes!

I'm far more sympathetic to them than before, especially Reiner. That poor boy only wanted to have his family together.

Last chapter changed my views about them.

Not much - this is pretty much how I though things would be once we found out about the ghetto and Marley. The only really interesting bits are the new pieces of info, like the Tybur family and the 9th titan.

I've gone from 100% love to 110% love

I feel that this "arc" is being dragged on for the purpose of readers gaining sympathy with them and for me last volume was enough to make us sympathize with them. I have no patience left for this especially when I know the end is closing and there is more to cover and I’m afraid it'll be rushed or that I would lose interest before we reach that part

I feel invested in Porco against my better judgment... and I wonder...if there will ever be a moment when Pieck is not exactly right as expected... :o I wanna see Bertholt's past!!!!!!

RATE EACH WARRIOR IN TERMS OF HOW THIS CHAPTER AFFECTED YOUR PERCEPTIONS OF THEM

The Winners: Reiner - 840 people view him more favorably Pieck - 708 people view her more favorably

The Losers: Gabi - 151 people view her less favorably Porco - 161 people view him less favorably

I love RBA. Zeke is interesting as ever. Falco looks like he'll probably end up being a character I'll end up really liking, but he's not there yet. Don't really care about Pieck currently. Hate Gabi and Galliard.

Pieck is love

I wish we'd met Pieck earlier because she's everything.

porco the best

Bardlot is best girl

WHICH CHARACTERS DO YOU GENERALLY ENJOY THE MOST (1,032 Responses)

Looking back over past polls, support for the 104th has stayed consistent. The real change is with the vets. In early polls, 30-40% of people preferred them. That number has fallen to 12%. I suspect some have left the series or aren’t interested enough in the story direction to take the poll.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES (984 Responses)

Tumblr 364 (37%) Reddit 626 (63.6%) Discord 55 (5.6%) Twitter 12 (1.2%)

FINAL THOUGHTS

There were more than 500 additional write in comments. I wish I could publish them all. Thank you for sharing all your thoughts!

I'm still not over the serumbowl and how much the paradis cast showed they're really no better than the ones they're fighting against, so I'm really happy to see the side that's been less favored by the narration so far. Bless the warriors, they're all full of personality and I already love them.

It was rlly heartbreaking when Marcel tells the truth to Reiner and he deludes himself saying: ""wtf are you talking about Marcel? I WAS CHOSEN BY MARLEY, i don't believe you"".The Armored Titan is the only thing hes got...

Next chapter is a recap of the old arcs with Warrior POV I can bet my seafood on it.

This and chapter 94 have been my favorites so far. Please give me more Reiner, more marley, more warriors, more everything. Isayama I love you.

LOVE THE WARRIORS! On a more serious note, im very curious about zeke and his true motives.. what is he trying to accomplish? I also really wish that his relationship with eren can be expanded on. Zeke told eren that he would save him. Does he to some degree care for eren's own life? Or is he just after eren's powers? Regardless, i find zeke fascinating.

Good but background could have been better incorporated with both sides

I'm loving the Marley arc. We need the other side of the coin and this really shows that evil can be grey. Neither the islanders or Marley-Eldians are really bad...they're just all raised/brain-washed in different settings. I really enjoy the added layers fo Reiner.

These few chapters have been really interesting, but I hope to see our guys back on Paradis, unless Amputee-kun turns out to be Eren and the other Survey Corps have infiltred Marley. Would love for the story to continue from that point of view, but with flashbacks as to what happened in Paradis. Really interesting chapters overall, learning about the 9 titans was really hype.

I hope that Isayama gives us an ending almost as great as ATLA. Each character gets a proper conclusion & the entire story is satisfying. I want AOT to go down as one of the top 10 solid anime/manga of all time. I have faith in Isayama but still the future is unpredictable.

I hope we get to see the attack on Wall Maria from the warriors pov next chapter. And I was disappointed that Amputee guy wasn't in this chapter.

More Marley please. Even if some are salty not to see the Walldians, I think it's very enlightening to see Marley and Warrior perspective on this. As would say Bertolt : "no one is at fault" and, in the same time, each side has their fault.

I've been rocking with this arc and loving it, although I've generally had little complaint with any arc of this series, I love everyone :) But I think some development for my favorite characters and their side of the war is backed up by some subtle set-up for the climax of it all. For all that some people are desperate to see the main cast, I think this kind of exploration is necessary, not just for emotional investment, but because it gives us a look at the world the Walldians are so desperate to get to. It shows that the battle is only just beginning; Marley is not the endgame boss, and in fact it might be the only thing standing in the way of total destruction for all Eldians. How do they deal with that? Seeing that from the Warriors' perspective gives it reality and weight.

I am enjoying the Marley perspective, but I'm having trouble with the pacing. These past 2 chapters are moving so slow. And even though Reiner is my favourite character, I wish we wouldn't have such a huge focus on him chapter after chapter. It's becoming a bit repetitive, and I would rather learn more about the other warriors. I am looking forward to seeing RBA's pov of the attack on Shiganshina however. :)

Shit's heatin' up! Woo!

I am such a fuckin' slut for all the Marley stuff. I have been dying to see everything from the Warriors' perspective since the initial reveal of Marley and honestly I live on the tears of everyone bitching about how there's too much Marley. EMA are pretty much...... the most boring characters in the series so I am livin' this up. Give me more.

MORE MEMES PLEASE (and a bit of main cast too)

can i see more bardlot creating titnas???? please answer this one question!!!!!!!

Waiting for Annie to come back. Any moment now.

It's a good chapter, I'm enjoying seeing the flashbacks and the distinction of the Titan powers. On a smaller note regarding that, I wish they'd tell us what makes the Female Titan "female."

Very good chapter, but it feels like one that's setting up for the rest of the volume. I'm looking forward to this festival as well as getting even more details about the warriors' mission on Paradis

Headbutt of Love copyright Isayama

A relatively good chapter, but I reallllllly want to see the main cast again. It doesn't have to be from their perspective, but I just want to see them again after a 4 year time skip.

We will most certainly remain on Marley, but the perspective will soon shift to the main cast when the rest of them arrive to backup Eren and trash the festival in which the Tieber family will present the plan to capture the Founding Titan.

I can see why Reiner had all that plot armour now! Learning more about the warriors (RBA etc, not the new kids :/) has been really interesting and a much needed flesh out of their characters.

I enjoy seeing more of Reiner (cause he's da best) and learning more about his past and the world outside the walls. I would love to see him decide that he's done with Marley and doing things against his moral code (cause let's be real he probably is totally against this shitshow). I know he'll die and that makes me sad so I'm trying to enjoy whatever time we have left with him. ;_;

No doubt next chapter will show the Wall Maria breach from the Warriors' perspective. I only wonder how much of the flashback will be shown in a single chapter.

I hope we get more backstory on Zeke. There's still so much about him that's mysterious. More of him interacting with the other warriors is always good. I really really REALLY need to know what his thoughts on Eren are. Does he still plan on "saving" him, whatever that may mean? And how much does Pieck know?

When will we see giant naked people punch each other again?

I feel sorry for all the warriors but they killed so many people that I cannot see them as pure cinnamon rolls that need to be protected, for me they will always be morally grey.

I love that we are finally getting details about the warriors. This was something long in the making. I can understand where fans of the main cast are coming from, but you just have to have patience until we see the main cast again. For a story like Attack on Titan, which is supposed to be morally grey, we have to have insight on both sides of the conflict. It would have been extremely stupid if Isayama never delved into the warriors background after all the stuff that they had did. The timing of the switch may have been wrong, but I would rather have it now than not at all.

More Marley, but not at the expence of our heroes. It's Shingeki no Kyojin after all; not Yoroi no Kyojin

This arc has introduced the grey into the world of snk, I no longer see any one main character as bad or good because they all have the reasons with them, although perhaps some unjustifiable it still causes me to think about whether this person is a truly bad person or not. It really makes it quite difficult to favour or not favour people, however I do find that it makes it a lot more interesting.

I love these chapters, I really like the depth isayama is going for the viewers to know that this war isn't black and white and it really shines light on the complications of war and who really is the victims of not only war but also being the victims of a manipulative government.

I think this was a very powerful chapter, it had a lot of revelations and hints about the near future events. It is more clear than ever that the clash with the Paradis people is coming very soon. I am not sure how much more of RBA and Marcel heading towards the wall are we going to see though.

I can't shake the feeling that the "Tybur" family is connected to both the Tiber river (i.e. the fertile crescent--Garden of Eden imagery galore!) and Thor's hammer. Isayama likes to pull from both biblical sources and Norse sources for his world-building and I'm curious what's going on with this name.

this might have been my favorite marley chapter (which still isn't saying much but there you have it)

Seeing as I love the Walldians and Warriors equally, I think it's fair to give the Marely side attention. How can we have a dazzling final battle with no build up, including parallels and foreshadowing in this arc? Worse comes to worse I'm sure Isayama would just add the extra chapters he needed to in order to finish the story. Let's enjoy it while it's still being published.

Isayama is trying to make us think that there aren't good sides or bad sides. And he fails. We have already seen the perspective of Marley and they are clearly the villains. Not the Eldians of Paradis. The reasons why the mainland Eldians are supposed to hate Paradis Eldians are absurd. No real life social group/ethnicity is that stupid to believe what mainland Eldians believe. Or what they do to other Eldians.

As usual with every first chapter of an SnK Volume, this chapter was kind of boring, but we did learn about the ninth titan and the family thats been in possession of it. Also, seeing all 6 of Marley's titans on the battle field at once is interesting.

I think this volume will focus on the build-up to the reveal of Amputee-Kun in the present day, whilst also showing the road to Trost from RBA's perspective, which will be awesome

The perspective change felt rushed. I wish everything about the inital time-skip to the ocean had been handled differently. We got no closure whatsoever on so many important happenings and character developments re: serumbowl and basement, and that really frustrates me. The second - 3 year - just rubbed salt in the wound. I want to enjoy the Marley arc, I really do, but this just frustrates me a lot.

Snk? More like Attack on Game of Thrones.

I really do like the perspective of the warriors and as interesting as it is, I just can't get myself attached to the characters, and that makes it tiresome for me. At the beginning I was hopeful, but so far the only Warriors I can relate to are Pieck and Falco and even that's a thin line. I am eager to see them interacting with the main cast though!

This chapter in particular was great. There's so much subtlety in every action and foreshadowing of things to come. We got a lot of interesting info (the Tybur family, 9th titan, shifter memories, TONS of Reiner background, and Porco feels ahhhhh), and also saw how the warriors are operating under the stress that Marley is putting upon them. I especially loved the Zeke's tea meeting. Zeke's aware that they're being monitored and is able to subtely warn the others, who all get it except Porco, and Reiner then saves him from saying something dissident about the Tybur family and possibly Marley. The interactions of the characters are wonderfully done, with a lot of side glances and small details to pick up on. I think Isayama's character development and world building abilities are shining so brightly in this arc. And I can't get enough of the warriors, new or old. Overall, this is swiftly becoming one of my favorite arcs so far. Also please Isayama, stop torturing Reiner, give the poor man a break ;-; My heart can't handle anymore....

Less flashback plz

I just want to find out if Amputee-kun is Eren that's all I freaking want Isa.

I don't want to spend the entire rest of this arc with Marley, but I think it would be cool to first be reintroduced to the main cast through the new character's eyes. Of course, then we'll need to see things from the main cast's perspective again and find out what they've been up to this whole time

Love the new memes. =P thanks pieck and zeke

to be honest, i expected the 9th titan's reveal to be more epic art-wise

I think I am now more on the side of the "Warriors" than the main cast on Paradis and this thinking of mine is keeping me awake at night. I hate Isayama for this because now his "there's not bad or good side in the story" statement hit me in the face. Also fuck I have the need to hug smol RBA and know finally seeing their backstory and situation withe all the hometown and warrior thing was all I was asking for so I am loving this Marley arc but at the same time I wanna see the main cast so badly.

I want to see amputee Kuns plan.

Poor baby Armin is the god of destruction no soft boy :(

I want to learn more of Bertolt's backstory... He's my fav next to Reiner and we know next to nothing on his backstory and motivations.

There won't be an invasion of the island. The islanders will invade, instead.

Knowing each titan's function is good. But I feel isayama could have used the page more efficiently, like not drawing large, single-panel images of titans. I feel it's kinda wasteful to use up your pages that way with not so dense information given out.

Confrontation between Warriors and SC will be super interesting but I'm kind of apprehensive about actually seeing it. It can easily turn into another serumbowl since we don't have clear enemies and everything is relative.

i feel isayama is just making some poor decisions in an attempt to make reiner more likable and while the new perspective is interesting it was introduced far too late in the game

I do find this arc interesting and I would be okay with it going for a lot longer, however I'd hope for a few chapters which go back to the 104th's in between those chapters, just a little show of where they're at during all this, I miss those guys, its been nearly half a year since we had a chapter with them. I love reiner yo he needs to be protected at all costs. But i do wanna know more about berholdt and his family. Please i need some closure on my tol boy.

I can't wait to see Historia again and see what role she will play throughout the rest of the series. To be honest, I'm concerned for her because now that she is publicly known as the queen now, Marley might try to capture her if they find out. And what will Reiner do if that happens? Ymir is no longer around to protect her so now it is his turn to owe something to Ymir. I wonder if Historia will ever meet Porco, I hope she kicks his ass, I will never forgive him for ending such a beautiful relationship.

No one is talking about this but the part where Magath says something about Zeke saying unnecessary things in the meeting has me very intrigued. I wanna know what he means, I'm overall very interested in the role Magath may play in the story. Looks like he is the only one suspecting Zeke at the moment. These chapters have been interesting and I'm in no hurry to get back to most of the main cast, but I would like to see Jean again soon. And Armin.

You know, this was a pretty boring chapter, all things considered. However, I did enjoy seeing Gabi look a bit more "human" for at least a couple of minutes and hope the Falco vs. Gabi bit isn't drawn out for too long (I feel it could get tiresome after a while). Reiner's father honestly surprised me; I didn't think we'd get to see him at all/that Reiner would even be aware of who he was, and yet...we got his perspective and I could not have been happier with what we got. Poor Reiner, but considering his scheming selfish mother (who may also be pretty delusional), it seems fitting.

Pieck and chubby cheeks baby Bertl are the only good things in this depressing arc

Reading Isayama's interview about wanting to change perspective to blur the line between hero and villain made this arc less jarring to me. However, I really want to go back to the main cast. Also, the basement reveal ironically made the series less epic in my eyes. Mainly because the idea of a war

AND FINALLY

As expected of poll-chan, excellent questions!

I enjoy these polls and i have nothing else to say

Come back Momtaku!

<333

#snk poll #snk chapter poll #snk chapter 95 #snk 95 #thank you everyone!

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askmadampresident · 7 years

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((This is a mild PSA about some recent drama, If you’re honestly sick of it, trying to avoid it or don’t want to hear it go ahead and skim right by this, otherwise I personally don’t want to just ignore this, but after this post, this ask blog shall move on resume as usual, continuing with the latest M!A with Prez getting slapped for every stupid idea :3))

((for those wanting to read on it’s all under the cut, and all of it is ooc))

I’m going to be honest. I’ve thought about this for awhile and I legitimately do not know how to phrase this no matter how much I think about it so, I’m just going to ramble and share my thoughts and hopefully not offend anyone.

Alright, heeere we go, moment of truth, moment I’ve been dreading for two days

alright for those of you going what the hell lemme give you a breif rundown of the situation: As brief as I can put it, this recent thread sparked quite a bit of controversy in the discord under the accusations (none of which I deny, let me make this clear) of unnecessary angst and lack of proper tagging.

I don’t know why but my brain is going into speech and debate mode so I guess i’m formatting this like an LD round argument now, but essentially I’m going to go over my defense, the counterarguments against my defense, and finally a summary to conclude

welp defense time. In my defense, I’ll address unnecessary angst first and foremost, while I do admit that thread was going overboard the way I RP is I am given a situation, or some sort of stimulus essentially, be that an ask, a thread, an M!A, an IM, etc, and what I do is I react as the character to said stimulus. The argument can also be made that I did not need to reply to said thread, that at the sight of it going overboard I could have stopped, BUT you see, the thing is I honestly can’t not reply. I have 4 prominent mental disorders, one of which being OCD, which I was very recently diagnosed with. Whenever there is a thread or a message or something and it doesn’t feel complete and it’s my turn to respond, I HAVE to respond, otherwise it can sometimes bother me for weeks on end. I don’t mean to use my mental disorder as an excuse, since that is just honestly a dick move and because either way I am still at fault, I still made the choice, even if my mental disorder caused my decision to lean toward one side more so than another. The argument could also be made that I did not have to write out that scenario and that I could have had Prez do something else, but you see, doing that would actually bother me more than not replying. Because it really, really rEALLY bothers me when I don’t play a character as accurately as I can, and it just feels so ooc and I just cannot stand that feeling at all, so I suppose yeah I made my decisions, and yeah, in retrospect they were wrong, but I honestly wouldn’t have done anything different now because it would really bother me, call me selfish, but that is how I feel.

Okay I’m just re reading this and whoops looks like I’m doing the counterarguments on the way oh well, it works

As for lack of tagging… I have no excuse, I completely forgot and that’s all there is to it. I mean I have the classic defense of “You could’ve just not read it” But that’s just dickish and shifting the blame on others which I will NOT do after a lot of people have thrown blame around ann it just… it disgusts me, all are at fault in an argument, it’s not just ever one person and if you disagree with me on that then please do not talk to me. We will never see things eye to eye if that is the case, and I would rather not have all that conflict in my life. Anyway, that defense is really just rude and I do not have any excuse to defend myself with so yeah I just outright forgot and I apologize. In the coming days I’ll be getting to work trying to tag what I can but please if you want me to tag you triggers please tell me what they are so I can tag them, otherwise I honestly won’t know.

On that topic please allow me to at least explain why I space about triggers since I believe everyone at least deserves the chance to see a story from both sides, but if you don’t want to hear it just skip over the next paragraph.

I’ve got two things here to address, my lack of triggers and my accidental habit of spacing about tagging things. As for my unfortunate habit, remember how I said I had 4 prominent mental disorders? One of which is bipolarity. I’m currently having a passive manic episode, and for those who aren’t familiar, having bipolar means having episodes of mania or depression that can last months on end, it’s not just a thing that happens and is gone in a day or two. As for why it’s important that I’m in a manic episode, for me this manifests on inability to focus on one thing at once, I have to be doing 10 things at a time or I can’t focus and get extremely bored extremely quickly and make extremely stupid and impulsive decisions, essentially I cope by doing too much at once, and unfortunately, that translates to me missing small details and sometimes large ones, and in this case that translates to forgetting to tag things, then remembering I forgot later, only to get completely distracted before I can, repeat. Then my lack of triggers… yeah this is ‘fun’, and well my manic episodes also come with minor suppression of empathy, so I at the moment cannot understand people who get triggered easily (in my depressive episodes I understand all too well and it affects me greatly then, but during a manic episode all that empathy boils down into sympathy which is something else and not completely synonymous with empathy, especially when talking in psychological terms) as well as a second factor here which is that a third mental disorder I have is severe anxiety. What does that have to do with it? Well you see I’m extremely strong willed by nature and well over the years I got reprimanded so often that I wound up sealing myself off, I made it so that nothing got to me that way I wouldn’t be anxious anymore, and as such the lack of triggers, or at least that’s the theory my therapist has. Nonetheless there are a few things that still make me breakdown in terrible panic attacks, where I can’t think, I can’t breathe, I can’t anything and I get violent if anyone tries to touch me. Such an attack nearly occurred when this discourse initially started, due to one of those few things being reprimanded by not one but many people I respect. I spent the next two days off of social media and trying to not fall apart, and only just succeeding.

AGAIN the fact that I have mental disorders in NOT to me a valid excuse for my actions! I still chose to do it and I accept full responsibility for any pain I’ve unintentionally inflicted, and I hope to do all I can to prevent it next time. If there is a next time, I do hope not.

All in all, I’ve spent two of my evening writing this, part of me being angry and upset about how this went down and because of the respect that I have now lost for some of the people whom were involved, part of me wishing preventative measures had been taken such as alerting us that we were going wrong beforehand or getting on our case about taggs early on, and part of me, the logical part, is jut ready for this to be over, but also knows that if I don’t publicly address it I’m pretty much digging my own grave, and seeming like I do not care or am a coward for not getting to this, of which I am NOT.

I thank those of you whom have read this far and listened to my little unorthodox part apology part summary part rant, because honestly it means a lot that you’re putting the time in to look at something as long as this since I believe that everyone should be allowed to know the full story before continuing on.

Well that and the fact that this is literally the blog of the biggest politician in gloomverse I’m surprised people actually care so much about it.

So thank you once again, get ready for more content momentarily~!

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ohkimani · 7 years

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(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him.

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though.

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things.

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up.

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

#p #ignore me #t&a #a #i think ive dated too many ppl but it's fine

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fertile-delirium-blog · 7 years

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You know, everything I ever worked towards, care about, love or have been lucky to come across or been given an opportunity to, I’ve always gotten to a point where I fuck everything up realise where I went wrong or what I keep getting told I do or am and honestly everyone I ever believed enough to let in and be a bit of the real me or all of the real me, since I was little, I been trying to run from this sadness that I later found out is developed or called depression that I realise, I’ve never understood it, I never thought id have mental illness and I ran, I denied for so long.. people telling me I need help, I had a system that worked, a system that never allowed me to be verbally honest with anyone enough to actually get to know me , without the fear and what ifs that I now know is anxiety, funny I never really, really knew what it was but turns out the two together destroy my life, ever since high school, ive wanted to continually improve myself no matter what anyone said and the same time I maintained an image where I made myself make everyone view me the opposite of what I felt I was, when im angry, im actually upset, I made myself seem like I was okay enough n making it on my own so people wouldn’t view me as weak or a being who needed sympathy or attention or some street kid goimg nowhere when really, for too long all I wanted was to find where I belong n do what in my heart I felt n feel like will come back, be music that expresses things I can’t say or feels weird coming out of this mouth that isnt mine, dont feel right. Communication.. something ive never had real, experience with.. was mainly mute other than my outward image for my protection and other peoples shit for so many years before I met her, she made me want to talk, opened up n be the me I feel I am on the inside, but, how easy did I really think it was gonna be? …a lot easier than it was/is.. I’ve always been a lone wolf.. why did I think I could have a family life like that when… I convinced myself with this act I was over shit I wasn’t, that was my fuck up this is all before I fell in love and its funny… it’s a boy cries wolf story, she loved me.. I loved her but something in me didn’t let me properly love her the way I should’ve but if I knew then what I know, my god things would be different and this is what I was afraid of.. completely giving in to her that… I wouldn’t care about myself as much just wanted to make her n kids happy, that’s what made me happy that’s the reason for my being as the opportunity to do so after terrible things n times had us far away for a long time and realised that they the family I chose to have n m sorry I let you all down I’m sorry my bpd, bipolar depressive states is what im trying to focus on to gwt better, since I actually believed everyone but 18 years of unsaid, undealt with and put away in the black box f nothing, isn’t easy to unfold , realise grow, accept, change, love, heal myself and be what was wanted or needed to best of my ability, truth is with her, this focus on making my life a certain way disappeared, never thought it would happen.. i want to do n cater n help n just be n do or try to what it s she wanted if me, I tried I fucked up in the beginning, but still pay to this day.. sigh the balance of who I on the inside is out of whack n has changed.. I don’t think anyone ever did I thought I showed n expressed enough to understand, I guess, if im too sick to love I shouldn’t get on the way of where she wants to go n do, its a shame really, right girl wrong time, don’t care if we were meant to be or not the universe chose you that I loved that much I wanted to make a life, thins I did out of spite, jealousy, anger, major depressive states too much drugs or too long on drugs wasn’t really me, the me I thought you knew n loved was that you made me happy, only person to do that that’s not my siblings.. then there are your beautiful kids I’ve let down too many times.. idk what made me think I deserved you 3.. maybe the fact that I was hoping we all changed n we were happy, we were, that’s not fantasy, we had some great, great times ill never let go of wanted my career I chased for since I was a kid n ended up getting n wanted to have the normal family as well but I chose them in the end n always will but I gotta keep away for her, for them.. every time I get into this stupid certain major depressive state.. I do things to make it harder on myself but you know what the problem is.. the real me is hidden in a cube within and I can see everything.. and that’s not the real me. That’s something dark attached to me that wants to keep me hidden away.. so how do I defeat this other person I��m watching from the inside take over a beautiful physical being I don’t feel is mine and causing such pain for both her, I and my ex gf and her kids and tearing everything that’s mine (the inside) and hers(outside) causing such hate n was for each other n causes such distress for those who actually love me.. I would like you, any of you to hold my hand throughout me getting better.. but I also know I’ve had my times with help n no help n I run away.. I know how hard it is for anyone to love me.. or be there for me I want all to be happy n move on with their lives get And do things the deserve.. I don’t wanna hold anyone back jus because they care.. I’ve been alone since I was little.. may as well stay alone to the end.. cant bear to love.. there’s only her I will never have kids, it’ll always be them, don’t want to cause pain because I’m hard to love because I’m sad with myself n wanna make you happy same time.. god how did I get here.. I got nothing n no one.. at all n all I had before her was a dream I made into reality then set bar higher only to fall that fucking hard to be half the reason I hate myself and before that tried to be an accepted part of my family n moved on to my dream knowing my family will never know.. what ive felt, how low I sank at the age of 8, understand or acce ppl t me enough.. the most truth I can give them is that I want to die cos im not good enough for this world.. items are not feelings, being raped and beaten for 5 yrs of my childhood n being too scared to tell anyone due to death threats then once it comes into the open is apologetic and sad for then my mum gets angry at me cos she cant accept it sober,.. I do blame him.. but I also know that its my fault ive let him win and affect me as a person n how I grow for so long and being told o can do something bout it going to yoir mum n her telling me its no use they wont find anything too late to be then told 5 yrs later that, I can still do something about it.. and I havent.. all these little bits and pieces make sense from the moment of my mums impregnation to now that maybe, just maybe I was never supposed to have been born.. I don’t belong on this world, I was an unwanted mistake that had no friends got bullied, raped, beaten as a child to getting away from that man that is your brothers dad also and my brother ended up being my best friend mid teens to not even know what a friend is other than knowing not to let anyone know the bad I been through and alone.. always have been alone no one sees the me that stands behind this beautiful, sad but always fake smiling so i don’t seem so broken shell of mine.. no one can hear me but the people in my head and none of them want to let me out.. guess I don’t deserve anything else but being alone trying to fight people I can only hear.. if I used to see any of them..when I did see silhouetted bodies before I had too many drugs and certain.. things went away.. im sorry I blocked you out.. oh silhouetted bodies I miss you.. as scary as it would be sometimes.. you always helped me be strong enough for the next step, if it is you that torments me today.. why? And if it isn’t.. is it just mental illness?. Or is it so much more than that..

Was I killed or kill myself too early in past life I went straight through to this one??.. from the moment I was born I was not meant to exist.. im sorry to the people who love and care for me… none of you will see me again.. ill save you all the energy, the stress and the pain I’ve previously caused due to my own mind and my feelings but know if you could hear me.. not this voice of mine verbally.. but if you or i could translate it or if you could hear my inside voice I promise that all would be understandable.. no confusion, no bullshit, no actions I didnt make but she or they did.. they just want to break me.. all but one laugh at me, mock me, talk to me and then to her on the outside as a fucking game or to make us continually clash and that ruins me, my ex gf, and well because of all that I distanced from kids when asked.. and have gotten so far it breaks my god damn heart.. gonna be like my brother, like my sister.. cant be apart of their life, cant watch them grow but silently love all 3 of them silently from afar.. I don’t want anyone to love me and I don’t want to love anymore than I already do as long these people and depression n whatever else they say I got continues to win this fight.. hopefully at the moment.. they make m e want to die. For silence, no more memories, feelings and they make it known that this is not my body.. I a excluded from all beings.. even the one I reside in.. no support. Don’t want friends, don’t want family.. I just wish I could’ve gotten better for the ones I love and who love me.. im sorry .. I dont want a life anymore. I really realize .. I was not meant to.. I hope that everyone I love will hate me, already does,or will and can forget me.. I did have some real, real hapy good times with you mum, lola, jaiden, mia, rachele, LJh and TRh.. sorry Ive said and done some fucked up things and I hope if you do remember or think of me it wont always be bad because I had and was a genuine happy and fun girl at times. Especially with you guys. And im sorry if you guys dont know which ones are real and fake..im sorry .. I wanna get better but realising I was never meant to be here,n if I was it was to be alone n silent I was right tho.. im not here to have a life for me or make one for myself nd hurt people in process. I love in times of darkness and undenying voices… I dont need your care.. I dont want you to feel sorry I just hope when you think back on me maybe.. youll see the peaks of the inside me get let put due to the help from my outside n i ts something we don’t n wont talk bout..I wont make anyone put up with me just because they are or I am loved. Not anymore.. I love you all.. hope everyone gets what the want and deserve. And to the parents of whos kids I love as my own then just fucking distanced due to how I am not thinking boit if or how itd affect them.. im sorry fo all the wrong ive done by them but know how happy and grateful I am for you guys bringing them into this world.. we all know im shit at doing what im supposed to and moat times I was shit to them.. I dlnt k know if i t was noticeable but I did try.. but thank you for letting be apart of that and being “snips”.. and giving me a chance to love them and treat them like my own I wish I did better with all of you, their family, my family im sorry whatever this thing is im just sorry I ruined some good things and hurt people I love n who love me.. never again.

I love you all.. I feel like I didnt get to say it all.. but, o can’t keep crying.. I been typing for 2 hrs… I will be making another account and this will be my lalst post as mariah elrington. To the world and the people I love… im sorry. I hope ypu forgive me and see the good person I always tried to be I will love yo and appreciate you all forever.. im sorry that since I came to world I was doomed to be nothing but a problem but I swear.. I swear on everything… I always try to be better but fall harder.. doing this on my own and voices, my thoughts and the opinion of those who love me see the opposite to what im doing or how I am.. its really hard.. ive never done it this mentally tough before.. well on drugs trippin on non real stuff but this.. this is real life and for once, I dont have anyone to talk to even on a vague level.. not even a pen and paper.. this, this is all so o guess thank you tumblr idk how worst id be without you ..I love you all… this is the fkn truth.. I never meant for it any of it to be als bad as they are between my two families I love. I hope you can get it right, now without me, the problem, the burden,.the dralin and be happy I meam that from thr deep.side of my heart, I really hope I haven’t fucked it enough you wont recover.. but I may be a bit over my head.. they won’t care.. I mean they will for a short time,, but will be happy not long after no Im not saying im gonna kill myself, we all know I can’t. But none of you will see or hear from me again.. because I love you. And I love you alll im deeply sorry I couldn’t express or show it enough for that you guys to believe that a whole lot or know the extent of how much with how ive been but ti my blood family and made family… I love you all so much its because of you gus im doing this for you other wise ill never leave y'all alone cos I need y'all but can’t and won’t hurt anyone but myself anymore.. almost 3 hrs writing.. I still got more to say but gonna leave it there.. god damn it,I love you and I do hope my whole family have a good life n im sorry I ruined the parts of it that I did but be worry free I dont want anyone trying to reach out to me after this. Wil be ignored or unseen..

I love my families and im sorry I couldn’t get it right to be good enough well enough to not negatively affect you.

Have a great life, drink, party, love do the things you want and think o f me as okay if it helps just please,if you love me dont ever get worried.. dont ever assume anything just be be fucking happy, experience, travel, grow Chase dreams.. trust, they are possible no matter situation, lonliness or head space,long as you believe youre gonna.make i t real and do what you gptta to make it gappen, if some like me not even suppose to be alive can do it, you strong, smart beautiful family of mine I believe in you.. to all of you every age. and each everyone of you deserve it. The good fun or happy life with its obvious small obstacles that isn’t as stressful or hard t fix asits been as of late..

I am sorry. I love nd appreciate you all. And you will all always be in my mind And my hearts im sorry im too mental im sorry for all ive done.

I love you all.

Goodbye forever.. all 7 of you ill love always. Pls keep the good bout me in your hearts if you can’t forget. I miss you all like crazy wish I could see you all again to give a goodbye hug.. but a visioned one is gonna have to do. Know that’s the last thing youd recieve from me if that were the case.

Goodbye my precious family I loved dearly but took for granted and couldnt get better.. im sorry I put you all through so much. I really am I wish all of you could see how much love I got for each and everyone of you cos I know I didnt do that good of a job to make sure it was known but I hope it is not.. love you please be happy for me too, if its worth anything to any of you, cos idk how long it'll take to feel it again.

Goodbye fams.

-Mariah Elrington

#personal #this time for real

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rcsegarden-blog · 7 years

Text

holy moly i just took a good three hour nap after class, and i missed all the introductions. well since i’m never on time to anything ( sorry don’t hate me ) i tried to make up for it by explaining my trash child in depth below, you can skip through the first half to read the summary at the end bUT i promise the self para is worth a read if ya wanna know my gal. i’ll try to get past the boring stuff, i’m aria most people tend to call me ari & i can’t wait to meet everyone of you. please don’t judge how many hamilton references i’ll make, it’s a problem and i’m working on it. any whoot i can’t wait to plot w every single one of you babes ! ps tw: death, depression, trichotillomania, self harm, & suicide risk ( if you’d like to not hear about any of these things, feel free to message me & i’ll give you a summary of rosalina without them! )

a self para?? ( bc i’m so extra )

How do you mourn when your own body is a complete and total reminder of your loss? Rosalina hadn’t quite figured it out. She stared at the reflection of her sister in the mirror. Identity was a fickle thing, especially when half of it is ripped away overnight. Her heavy head fell to the side, tilted and her jaw slightly slackened leaving her soft pink lips parted. The shadows fell heavily across her face making the contours look like deeply pitted bruises in the early morning light that filtered through the shades of her bedroom window. A fierce, stern knock sounded from her door. The noise nearly caused Rose to jump out of her own skin. If only it were so easy.

“Rosalina, you’d better be up and getting ready,” it was her father’s authoritative voice advised through the door.

Of course Rose was awake. It was rare when the girl truly slept, not since everything happened. The pills they gave her, coupled with their white lies of faith and healing, kept her in a fog during the day but her mind buzzed horribly during the night. Uncountable hours were spent watching the pillow on the bed opposite hers which had long since stopped smelling of her sister, her attention buzzing with unthinkable concepts to healthy minds, all while her forefinger unknowingly traced the roadmaps of scar tissue telling a journey of loss across her forearm.

The face of her double stared back at her in the mirror making Rose’s stomach tick and curl. She felt her chin quiver and she sniffed hard looking at the contents spread across her vanity. The smooth tan surface was stained with rich, bronze foundation and drugstore hair dye in attempt to strip the features that had tied her to Penelope. She picked up her foundation sponge and watched the nude liquid drip onto the back of her hand, a perfect match. Rosalina had long since stopped fooling herself that a change in her appearance would fool others into security concerning her mental state. She dipped her sponge tentatively before applying it to her face over her eyelids and lips. She opened her eyes again, their slight green, like a spring she knew would never live to see come, the only relief from the bronze-smooth skin.

The lid to her cream blush hadn’t been put on correctly. She looked down at the small pot of dried out, deep pink cosmetics cracked like a small section of scorched desert. She parted her lips, which had been stuck together from being held together so tightly in anxiety, and spit into the jar. She rubbed the saliva around the blush to reconstitute its creamy texture. Had Poppy been there Rose surely would have been scolded, maybe even roughhoused a little in lighthearted affection. Rosalina’s only consequence was a comfortless silence.

The doorknob to the closet had been taken off promptly after Rose’s outburst. She stuck her fingers in the hole, pulling the door open. Her hand lifted to the back of her head as her eyes scanned the array of clothing. Rosalina twisted a single strand of hair around her finger and pulled upward, a swift, small, quick action, pulling the hair out from the root. She dropped it to the floor, pulling another, another, another, before ever noticing the action. Her face flushed as she ran the tip of her finger over the area she had pulled from. The empty space was detectable, a few hairs poking at her where the regrowth had begun again. She rushed to her mirror, grabbing the brush in urgency. She pulled her hair up into one hand, hardly able to contain the curls in her grasp, even with what she was convinced was an entire lock and curl of hair pulled out from the roots, before pulling an elastic band to hold it. She would have to wear her hair in special ways. Her mother was sure to notice.

Trichotillomania was only one of the many words thrown across the clinical room from the doctor’s file to her grief stricken parents. Depression, self-harm, suicide risk and survivor’s guilt followed. Rose had hung her head in defeat. The words and diagnosis meant nothing to her but a botched attempt at true healing. What did this man know about her, or her parents? Didn’t any of them know the weight upon her chest, the terrible love she’d been subjected to by the virtue of being the surviving twin? The burden of living without her same wasn’t one she could carry. The absence of Penelope wore away at Rosalina like the agony of a phantom limb.

They were going to send her there again, a strange place with blindingly white walls. When she walked into those doors it make her problems seem to grow three fold. She felt more alone than ever before. Still, out of instinct, she found her hand reaching to take Poppy’s for comfort, desperate grasps for that same phantom limb. Instead she got pills, diagnoses, white lies, blank notebook pages to express her thoughts and document her loss, and forced smiles like those on her grandmother’s painted china clowns. They frightened Rose screaming, live, live, live. Some stranger in her brother’s skin had showed up as well. Since when had he cared? And did he think he was like the sutures in her arm, a simple fix that could replace Poppy by virtue of common blood, to stitch her together and heal her? They pressured her to live on without half her heart, breathe without lungs, but all Rose could think of was how peaceful it might be to drown.

She had looked up statistics. A person could last six minutes without oxygen, but Rosalina knew she hadn’t breathed in months silently cursing the human body and all it’s resilience.

Summary

Originally from Santa Cruz, California Rosaline was born into a middle class family beside her twin sister Penelope & an older brother ( possibly a wc i’ll be sending in, definitely think it’d be interesting to see him played! )

Heading home from a party on west cliff, they were just sixteen when the accident changed Rose’s entire existences. They hadn’t had more that two drinks Rosalina was keeping track the entire night, and yet when the twin sisters climbed into their beat up Toyota they were forced to share – One of them never made it home. Falling asleep at the wheel, partially intoxicated, Penelope drove the pair off the rocky cliffs straight into the ocean current. It’s a miracle Rose had survived, she heard that more than a million times the months following. Yet, as those months passed the more she wanted to be in that deep water with the same fate her sister had faced. Living without the one person in the world who truly understood her, it was like the world was constantly on fire without Poppy. Nothing made sense, nothing felt right, every passing day she lost herself a little more.

The pills helped settle the depression, the therapy over the next three years helped her work through the hair pulling, but life never really felt normal. Loosing a twin isn’t like loosing a sibling, that night Rosalina lost a part of herself she could never get back. A part of herself she blamed for not being able to save, arguably the best part of her heart. Though it’s not something she can shake, living every day wishing things had turned out different, with time Rose learned to live life again. Finishing high school a year later than expected, she applied to colleges around the United States – anything far enough to start a new life.

Flash forward six years from the accident – Rosalina strays away from any memory of that night, the nightmares don’t haunt her quite as often, and though she misses Poppy every day she’s attempting to live life in honor of her sister. Rose is the kind of girl you can’t help being friends with, though she has a soft & effervescent exterior that one would assume glows from the inside out – she’s also quite mysteriously and drawn back at times. It’s a numb existence filled with prescription medications, a drink to forget the past, and a few puffs to relax the tension where her body seems to ache in place of her double. It’s still taken on day at a time, with pre rehearsed responses to the same “how are you feeling?” she’s learning to be okay with not being okay some days. Moving to Norely has helped get her away from the memories, and though she’s still in school waitressing pays most the bills now a days.

I hope that gives you a good idea of who my trash child is & I can’t wait to see everyone on the dash as a big family. I’ve been dying to play Rose out for the past three months, I just hadn’t found the right place so I’m hoping this is it for us! If you’re interested in plotting please feel free to like this post or ofc come to my ims & I’ll reply asap x

#( & –– i still need tags oops )#wow o k #this got long #i'm sorry #norley:intro

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