#make friends and open up to people in places that werent the internet (or having it pried out of me by more enthusiastic people) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

abrakophile · 3 years

Text

I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE.

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP.

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

#very personal but where the fuck am i gonna put them? you know where i kinda cant lose them?#letters from the guy that was my dad #pt 1 #long post

3 notes · View notes

misterbitches · 3 years

Text

Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas.

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL.

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers!

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die.

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more. i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done)

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom.

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through.

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao. basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman. anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord.

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop.

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t. beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are.

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid.

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc.

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me)

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex)

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

2 notes · View notes

subarashiet · 3 years

Text

lifes been weird and sad , got so much stuff i wanna say dont even know if thats the right subred to but here goes.i m 18 , from Greece , first year in Uni and life is not the way i want it to bei live on my own , rent is being paid by mom and her husband , month pocket money given by dad and by my part time jobat some point in high school i understood that our school years were our most carefree years , tho only now do i really understand itman this post is gonna cramp my fingers shouldve used the pcused to hang out a lot till 2nd year of high school then in 3rd year cause of me studying more i was hanging out less , used to have around 4groups of ppl to hang around then only one , cliche but i wasnt anyone special in school , gotta mention i went to a music middle-high school , only highlights i remember are in 2th-3rd grade trading blows with a girl (think she was 5th grade) ,3rd grade kissing a girl in her cheek then running away from the boy-horde coming after me , 4th grade trading blows with a 6th grader ,6th grade punching a guy for calling names my little sis (we good now see him out we talk he a nice dud) , 9th grade a girl i had a chance with but fucked it up big time , 9th grade breaking a cello almost getting expelled ,12th grade playing bass at a concert in Thessaloniki with a music group of my schooldidnt really have many close friends but there were some from school and other places you can call closer friends , but now even with them i ve started to fade away which i cannot bear but i m the type of giving up and not trying until i m lategot laboratory this morning and this is gonna take a while hope i can get some sleepfeels weird using reddit to express my thoughts i even find it a bit cringy talking to myself but oh welli wanted to visit a physiatrist because i ve been so mentally tired that i think i might have crippling sadness xD but i tried to arrange that back in July-August pre my 18th bday so she said a parent was required to be present so i just kept all the stuff to myselfi was learning classic guitar from 1st grade to 8th still play to this day , in music school i kinda learned h2p electric but didnt practice enough to be able to play good , also know some pianobeen listening to post rock and mostly fate music these past 10 monthssucker for good anime tho i ve been out of it lately havent even finished my summer ones , oregairu has a nice ending from what i got spoiled fromanyway thing is i am sad most of the time , i try not to show it cause i like the stereotype of being the strong guy that everyone can depend on and almost never see being emotional and also like the cool tempered guy type , tho lately i ve been craving a lot of attention that i drop the act of the calm n cool sometimesthings with my parents didnt go to well these past years , only now i can say that we ve finally kinda calmed down , mom and dad started falling out of it around 8th grade cause lots of fighting , big sis kindof took the role of mother while on her teen years , feels like she had it much worse than me10th grade sis leaves home to go elsewhere to start studies for uni , i m left with ma and lil sis back homethen i understand that i have to be there for my little sis which also got in my school that year (3kids-3years difference each) so i tried to assume the role of the big brother but she was closer to her older sister than me , i was closer to my older sister as well , feels like i was doing my lil sis wrong but i cpould relate more to big sis and could chat with her more about stufflil sis didnt open up to me a lot even to this day , she has been a lot more comfortable with me through the years i think cause she told me something important recently , kinda feelsbadman tho cause i wanted to be closer to her and i kinda tried but i think not hard enough cause she didnt seem to get any closer , cried once about it in front of my mother which was the absoluteliest worst cause i didnt want her to see me being fragile jesustho even now that i m not home i talk to her play some among us tried making her start xenoverse 2 that didnt go farhave some friends from school , we would only go all together at internet cafes , but mostly 4 of em would go out togetherin my school i had some friends from scouts tooi have an insta , used to post "cool" pics kinda stopped cause i like looking cool in front of others but i havent been in the mood to try in around a year nowused to be in some conservatory guitar groups with some other kids there , with one girl from there i used to be quite in touch until recently that i stopped seeing her for some reasons maybe i ll explain l8rwe had fun and i really mean it , we used to go on trips to play songs on different cities and stages , our group became kinda known the 2-3 good active years we were active , it still is but these years were the originals , now there are other peoplefucking christ its 2:27started playing in that group with the originals in 2017 till 2019 , we were kids from different ages going from 6th to 10th graders but i didnt understand the different in our ages until recently that i found one of the guys from the group in my cityanother closer friend is a guy from my school , met him in grade 7 still talk to him , used to sit together most of the years pretty neat guy , peculiar character but really interesting kind smart and hard workingman why couldnt my teen years be like shirou from fsn that would be awesomehad entrance exams 4-5 months ago , didnt really go as planned , shooted for Corfu didnt get in cause rather than 15 i got 10 in my last exam so i m still in my city , tho i live alone and go to my local uni insteadJuly 2019 i moved out of my old house moved in with ma and her husband with my sis , stayed there till september then till june-july 2020 i was living with my fathertbh i decided to write this post after watching a vid of Korone talking about Okayu thinking that i ve never been in an actual relationship and that i eould want to experience that but dont know where to start from , losing weight ? becoming outgoing again ? learn how to talk to girls ?i started watching anime back in 2015 on my 3ds i remember watching dubbed Inazuma Elevensince like 2 weeks ago i reached 201 anime completedok i ll stop here for tonight cause i got online uni classes tmrw i keep stimestamps for whenever i finally post this -Tuesday 3/11/2020 02:41used to be around 85-90kg in 12th grade , put on around 20-28 kilos since March 2020 , managed to lose 8-10 kilos in the summer but i m still around 30kilos up from the normal amount based on my height , got a subscription to a gym jan2019 but only managed to get into it for a short period on spring 2019 then autumn 2019 then lost motivation and let go , since March2020 i ve been doing some weights at home , tho when i look at myself in the mirror it doesnt really change how bad i feel about my body , i think my old motivation used to be a girl i used to have a crush on but not surethings with my parents werent all that great and i was mentally better when i would talk with them , they are openminded af and supportive too but puberty makes you see stuff differently like everyone is against you like the world is against you (last one might be true dunno yet) , living on my own now seems to be a bit better but as our Greek ancestors used to say theres no good without bad and the bad in this scenario is that its lonely as fuck , having lived for 18 years with my family it really hits a weird spot , everything feels lonelier now with the virus spreading around not being able to see others as much as we used to , uni doesnt feel nice , many people dont pay attention and its like the second half of 12th grade all over againgot my monthly money 4days ago , went from 200 to 9.28 quickly , when i have money i spend when i dont i m stingy , mostly like to build computers , watch lots of Linus , Paul , Kyle , Jay etc. most of my money goes to buying stuff about computers food , used to give lots of money to internet cafes when i used to hang out with the guys from school , not anymorewith the start of uni we all met new friends even i but i still feel like i am drifting apart day by day , stopped talking to my old girl friend cause i was kinda done with her attitude , called me some names i didnt appreciate because i put up with her attitude , most of the time in her own world , only would really pay attention and try to change herself when it was something she cared about , one of them wasnt her character , but to give the goods of her she was a good friend dont know if i can say she still is a friend or just someone i know , she helped me even with the girl i had a crush on , was really fun on trips with the guitar group , all in all a fun person , thing is i stopped texting her and telling her to go out cause it was 80% me trying and the other 20% her and i think that proved right when i stopped talking to her cause i thought she will see that i m not talking to her she ll think somethings wrong she ll message me to go out and have fun , send me a happy bday message posted some pics of me , didnt send me anything else after , stopped talking to her around the start of October , if i hadnt asked her something about her uni and if it wasnt my bday i dont think we wouldve talked in all of october . last saturday i was working in the area she lives in my city decided to call her sometimes didnt answer tried to suprise her and see how she is by going to her house , noone answered maybe they were on a trip idk , but it feels weird man , in the first half of the year me and a common friend of her and me went out one night , ended up being the bad guy to make her understand that she did something wrong that night , after she left i was left with our common friend talked about stuff and mostly her and i expressed myself , i knew that coming summer me and her would end up at different places so i wanted to tell her all the wrongs with her so that she could finally understand what i ve been putting up against and make her understand that she HAS to pay attention to people around her and that she will meet new people and that she ll have to be careful about her character , used to have a bit of crush on her back in 7th grade , can kinda understand why that went . On the other hand i didnt want to part ways with her with our last words being me ranting , one thing brought the other and she wont be going to her uni's city until early 2021 so i managed to go out with her some more in the summer and september . kinda feels bad to see that almost noone remembered my bday cause i remember in cram school when someone had their bday they would get a fucking cake , dont mistake me i got one , from my ma my two sisters and my moms husband , thing is i wanted to have something happen with friends , nothing happend , around 4 people remembered my bday and the others just send me some happy bday messages after seeing posts from the girl i m talking about .also heres a good song to listen to while reading stuff on reddit Sorrow from FSN by MN64 cant post links from what i understandgonna stop here for now might edit later -Tuesday 3/11/2020 15:15thing is reddit is not the right place to get help and i need a friend but it seems i cant get any from my friends , even my other friend the guy i used to sit with in all middle-high school he has drifted apart , talking more with other of his friends doing other stuff etc , that one time i needed to talk to him he said i ll call you in a while , waitied 1 and a half hour then asked him why he didnt call he said he forgot (i think) , feelsbadmananyway i dont think i m gonna keep editing this i ranted enough , gonna leave the post up for a day or so in case anyone wants to add anything then taking it down -Tuesday 3/11/2020 23:58

#personal rant #confession

4 notes · View notes

skizmin · 6 years

Text

haunted house!au with lee minho

prompt: minho falls in love with the actor that jump scared him inside the haunted house at a carnival

genre: fluff???? would it be anything else???? in my happy angst-makes-me-cry household???? pfft.

for: im sorry this one is lightly gender specific for females!! but the only female not made is about dressing as wendy for a costume party which some of my male readers might be uncomfortable with!! (i didnt even think abt it when writing it bc me and one of my guy friends have respectively gone as peter and wendy to costume parties)

warnings: gore mention stuff but its haunted house costumes, swearing ofc but nothing extreme (no slurs).

yo anyway so minhos one of my three ults wowzas Can He Not?

alright lets get to it

You Are Broke.

your major subject at uni really does cost a lot of money. money you have to provide. it sucks basically

whenever you think abt money you have to hold back tears bc You Have None.

:(((((

sorry anyway

one of your housemates is also broke and loves scouring the internet for quick and easy ways to get money, no matter how crazy they are

one night she comes back with an idea that peaks your interest, probably purely bc your card just got declined ordering a coffee at mcdonalds

“y/n you HAVE to do this one!!!!!”

you sigh like “if its selling my sub topic notes online again, im not doing it. i didnt even know someone could be so harsh about highlighter use???”

your housemate is all pfft im not putting you thru that again

“no!! basically, you get $80 to show up for 2 and 1/2 hours at the haunted house place at that carnival nearby!! dude we gotta, its just to scare the fuck outta people and we can like!! cover ourselves in blood!! n stuff!!”

at first your mind was like lmfao 2&1/2 hours at a haunted house?? no fuckin way

but then you remembered your job only paid you $14.78 an hour so you were doubling your pay in half the amount of time

“when?”

“20 minutes, get out a creepy white dress or something that looks creepy that you can get dirty.”

you fricken ran to your room

you ended up getting a cheap nightgown that you bought to dress up as wendy from peter pan to a costume party, it cost like $2 you really werent sad to see it go

“y/n!! hurry up!! they have makeup there!!”

you bolted out the front door in your nightgown, runners and a big coat with nothing but your wallet phone and keys in your pocket

you were really broke and desperate, youd already accepted it

when you got to the carnival you were in awe, it had been a fair few years since your last one and the colours and lights and pounding music and laughter just

wow, carnivals are so pretty

the guy running the haunted house came in and let you guys in so you didnt pay admission and quickly sat you down at some tables and told you you could do the makeup yourself or got someone else to

you, feeling daring and thinking fuck it, im gonna make the haunted house goers shit their pants, decided to do your own makeup

to pair with your blue nightgown you simply gave yourself extremely dark and sullen eyes with the power of purple eyeshadow, you paled out your lips and gave yourself a lil nosebleed, and on top of that you painted a random creepy looking symbol on your forehead in blood, blackening it our a little with an eyeliner pen to make it seem like it was cut open.

you were lowkey proud of your work

okay now it was show time, you were briefed on where in the house you could stay and you were told how to act and basic rules (no touching, get help if theyre freaking out too much, etc)

so now, you were in the dimly lit narrow hallways of this makeshift house when you heard the tell tale screams of your housemate meaning theres a group coming and theyd just attempted to jump scare them

you hid behind a black sheet, disguised as a wall, before your victims came up through your hallway

you heard some talk of “felix you know its fake, calm down.” before you saw some shadows pass by

the group was big, maybe 10 people? you werent sure, but you went forward with your plan anyway

just after theyd passed your hiding place, you stepped out from behind them and stood idly and innocently in the centre of the corridor before you put your head down and started whistling a nursery rhyme

you heard a few gasps and a few squeaks before you looked up with an unreadable expression

you saw them looking at you and some of the guys ushered some of the others away though one guy stood there looking at you strangely

you just tilted your head at him before taking your OPERATION: SCARE mission a step farther

bringing your hands up to your ears you let out a ear piercing scream and squeezed your eyes shut before running through the group and turning the corner at the end of the small corridor

you heard a soft what the fuck was that and a less soft language! before you turned and waited for them to turn the corner

as they were walking up the corridor however (theyd resolved to moving with just shuffles of their feet) you heard a new voice speak up. it was somewhat playful and honeydew like, especially with the phrase “not gonna lie, they were really fucking pretty.” which was followed by a chorus of “miNHO”’s and “thIs iS NoT The TiME bUddY” and “i think felix is crying”

you were taken aback

did he mean that? was that the one looking at you earlier? what the frick?

you were still blanking out, completely flabbergasted even when the group turned the corner

of course, you were unprepared, you planned to scream a loud “GET OUT!” to them but all that left your mouth was a squeak as you met eyes with the stranger again, red flushing up your neck

you ran away quickly, ducking into one of the rooms dressed up to look like a metal asylum holding centre

“hyung wtf theyre the scariest one yet”

“you guys go ahead, ill be there in a second”

“hyuNG YOURE GONNA GET KILLED DONT YOU WATCH HORROR MOVIES YOU NEVER SPLIT UP!”

“let go jisungie, hyunjins looking at you like you disgust him right now”

a chorus of laughs echoed through the hall

why was honeydew voice not going ahead?

your cheeks were still kinda red as you waited, listening for the male to go away

you slowly inched towards the doorway of the small room you were in, the flashing light behind you somewhat hindering your senses as you peeked through the shredded and knotted white sheet hanging from the top of the doorway but you couldnt see anyo-

“BOO!” “HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK” you scReAmed and jumped backwards, only to hear some cakcling from behind the sheet where the boy from earlier had appeared

“WHAT THE HECK KNUCKLES DUDE!”

“heck knuckles?”

“DONT JUDGE ME MY HEART IS BEATING A MILLION MILES PER HOUR RIGHT NOW”

“hmm? really?” you looked up to see the boy smirking playfully at you.

he looks like a cat

“aH yeAh??? you just scared the crap out of me!!!1!1!!!” you huffed, amused by him behaviour. you heartbeat still hadnt calmed down

“oh? you sure it wasnt just from looking at me?” he leaned in slightly, making the question seem innocent

“mmhm, youre that ugly that i flew halfway across a room.” though the comment was monotonous and you had a bored look in your eyes, it was purely for bantering

“nice try pumpkin, nice try. anyway, when do you finish with the whole im an ugly ghost coming to kill you thing? youre terrible at it by the way.”

your breath hitched and a blush came up your neck

“o-okay listen here, uh, boy! 1, i am Not a Pumpkin. 2, i dont know you. 3, im fucking amazing at this ask your friends and 4, i dont know you” you awkwardly coughed at the end

he furrowed his eyebrows at you “its minho, and the whole point is i want to get to know you.” he beamed at you after this

you felt lightheaded honestly, it was all happening very quickly under weird circumstances

but still, you muttered back to him a soft “i get off at 10:30″

he smiled wider, triumphantly, “10:30?”

you nodded and he took a couple of steps back, out of the room

“see you then i guess!” at this, he winked, before he jogged off to find his friends

you fell back against a wal

lwhat the frick frack paddy whack just happened?

you sighed, hearing the screeching and slam of a metal door, knowing you had to get back to scaring others

like,,, @ 10:33

you had all your stuff and you were walking out from behind the haunted house set up, waiting for your housemate

you honestly didnt think youd see minho. no guy is that persistent, right?

wrong.

“h-hey!!! demon child person!!!” you looked up at this

who the fuck just called me demon child person

you saw him and holy shit

the haunted house was dark with red lighting in some places and flashing blinding white lights in others, you saw minho and you saw what he looked like, but wow, he was so much clearer now

he was absolutely gorgeous

the carnival lights against his tan skin, his dark hair, his skinny black jeans and big parka coat? you were absolutely mesmerised

suddenly you realised you were staring and he was standing right in front of you

“o-oh, uh, hi?” you could already feel the red on your cheeks

“mm, hey, wanna hang out for a bit?” he smiled at you, you saw a tinge of red on his nose from the cold

“oh, actually i uh, i came with my housemate and-”

“anD THEY’D LOVE TO GO!!”

suddenly your housemate was next to you, throwing an arm over your shoulder and telling you to get home safely and asking you to not be too loud before shes nudging you closer to the attractive minho boy and speed walking off

“i gotta say, i like your housemate” minho looked to you with a wide smile. “should we get you some food first?”

you offered him a meek smile and shyly nodded. which he laughed at

“alright then, lets go!” he gripped you lightly by the elbow and led you through the crowd, passing some speedy and tall and colourful rides. you decided to speak up.

“sooo... after you get food, whatd you wanna do?” minho made a contemplating sound before simply saying “i dont mind, i just want to get to know you.”

“uh, okay then, well uh, what do you wanna know?” “to be honest, a name would be great.” minho laughed goodheartedly, you saw the apples of his cheeks rise up and his nose scrunching slightly

“oH! riGht! im uh, im y/n”

this time he turned to you “y/n?” you nodded. “thats a pretty name, it matches you.”

you turned away mumbling a thanks before you realised he’d called you pretty

“woAh wait whAt??? do you?? have no shame??”

this time he giggled

giggled

oh my god your heart practically stopped especially when he steered you to a table for the both of you to sit down

“y/n, i dont know if you noticed but i basically sorta asked you out like 2 hours ago while you were trying to scare me dressed as a demonic creepy child, a really fucking cute one at that, you need to teach me how to do that im in awe. but yeah and then now we’re here on a spontaneous first date which i have no clue what im doing for and i really dont know you at all apart from you act in a haunted house which is pretty interesting but you were just that pretty that i stayed behind in a haunted house to talk to you. now ask yourself again, does minho ever feel ashamed of his blatantly obvious attempts at flirting? the answer however is: when it comes to you? no, never.”

he was smiling proudly at his little monologue whilst you were catching flies in your open mouth

“you...are actually the cheesiest person ive ever fucking met.”

minho laughs once again.

“honestly, ill give you all the compliments in the world if it means youll give me your number or something, even the ones that arent true”

you leaned over the table and slapped his arm lightly, grumbling under your breath about fliritng getting you nowhere in life

he simply rested his elbow on the table and his cheek in his hand, gazing at you and asking you what food you wanted

you ended up being so strung in by his his gorgeous eyes and soft looking cheeks that he had to call your name 3 times and repeat the question

bonus:

after eating some gross junk food and watching the midnight fireworks, minho bought you both fairyfloss and insisted on walking you home saying “its what anyone in their right mind would do”

you walked along, him explaining his fear of heights and you explaining your situation of brokeness where you take almost any opportunity available

along the way he slinked his fingers through yours and placed them in the pocket of his big parka coat, smiling at you as you ducked your head to look at the ground, where youd started kicking your feet out extra to distract yourself from the affectionate gesture and calm the burning of your cheeks

when you arrived at your house, you fought over who should eat the leftover fairy floss.

you viciously shoved it into his hand,

“you paid for it and you walked me home even though its late and cold, you keep it.”

minho looked like he was going to fight back for a minute before his eyes lit up

“ill take it on one condition, i get to feed a piece to you.” he beamed at you and you looked at him confused and skeptic

“uhhh, okay i guess?”

he picked a piece off of the stick and held it in front of you, you opened your mouth for it and he placed it in

before it could melt and you could smile at him however, you felt his hand on your cheek and a hand on your lower back tugging you forward to rest his lips on yours, moving his lips against them a total of three times before pulling back

“i know i shouldve asked, but id buy you fairy floss every day if i got to do that once.”

you were a stuttering mess, your mind was fuzzy, you missed the feeling of him so close to you already

“uh-i, i um. wow uh yeah. uhhh, yeah no its fine i um,,,, i didnt mind it actually. wait no, i uh, i really liked it?”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

minho is BEAMING OH MY GOD

biggest smile of the century goes to lee minho, born in 1998

youre so red it isnt funny and he just moves the hand that was on your cheek to loosely grab at your fingers

“mm, okay then y/n, maybe if you wash the fake blood off of your face and text me ill kiss you again, for as long as you want.”

if your face was red before

oh god

you squeaked and nodded as he chuckled, lightly kissing your cheek before backing away

“get some sleep y/n, and message me tomorrow.” with that, he was walking away, leaving you to enter your house and be greeted by a squealing housemate who had witnessed the whole thing

(you took minho up on that offer, and he did kiss you, and it was longer, and it was great until his friend chris walked into minhos living room and saw you both and started screaming about keeping it PG because there were (17 yr old) kids around.)

finish! hope you like it!!

661 notes · View notes

cockbiteproductions · 6 years

Text

/////

im just gonna. off topic rant about like 5 different things with no connection. sorry for the word vomit if anyone actually reads this. i kinda hope not.

i hate me and the way I Am. even if it werent for the Mental Illness i’d still be a piece of Shit. Everything About Me Is Undesirable And Literally No One On This Planet Would Ever Like Me For Any Reason Whatsoever.

my expectations for when i went to college was that i would make 0 friends and the fact that that isnt the case is literally mindblowing to me. and im terrible to them and i hate myself for it but i cant fucking be nice because im an asshole.

and reflecting on myself these past few months im just. Yikes. im such a goddamn waste of Space. everything i do is terrible. my grades are terrible. im literally only taking 15 credit hours and yet i cant fucking get that right. some people work two jobs while being a full time student and here i am fucking complaining about 15 credit hours. im so goddamn pathetic.

and im so tired of studying. ive been studying pretty much non stop since sunday night and its literally only tuesday and im out of motivation to study but i have another exam tomorrow and i just cant get myself to do ANYTHING for it.

long term depression is like normally having 3/10 spoons every day and some days u wake up and have 6/10 and its a Good Day but then an Event happens and suddenly youre at 0 spoons but you still have to Exist and its just Too Much and everyone is like whats wrong and just. I Want To Cease. Everything Is Terrible. and some days u start out at like 1 spoon and those days are when i just start crying after my roommate leaves and try not to be Actively Suicidal. tho really lets be fucking real im too much of a coward to actually be actively suicidal so thats not gonna be a problem.

and recently i read this article about asian americans and affirmative action in college applications and it made me hyperaware of being asian and how literally everything i am is an asian stereotype except. im a fucking failure of that stereotype. my test scores are good but not Good. im smart but not Smart. im good at violin but not Good. im good at programming but not Good. im basically above the curve on everything but not at the stereotypical “asian” standard and god i know it sounds like such a douchey thing to say. im basically complaining about being smart. but its not fucking Good Enough and i hate that its not good enough and i know i dont have to live up to the stereotype but god im such a fucking stereotype what else can i be and i hate it. i hate the asian american overachieving image. i had all the advantages. socioeconomic status. concerted cultivation. fucking everything. but something went wrong in the process. and the only explanation i can think of is something about Me fucked it all up. because it wasn’t anything else that could have. and anyways i read this article right in the middle of a game night with friends and basically Shut Down and im such a fucking downer to the group like. what the fuck is wrong with me. why cant i have a good time and not bring everyone down with me. and then i left and sat in the bathroom for like 20 minutes trying to decide if i could get to the roof of my building. wow god i hope no one i know irl reads this. its such a fucking mess.

oh lmao thats another thing. im literally Incapable of talking about myself and opening up to people i know irl. it makes me feel way too vulnerable and i cant Handle that. its fucking mortifying if anyone i interact with on a regular basis knows Anything about me. which is why now i gotta vent to the void of strangers on the internet. except now there’s a bleed through considering some people i know irl know my tumblr handle. so i actually sat here for like 15 minutes debating whether or not to post this since i dont want people i know talking to me about this.

the internet is basically the place i can actually talk about myself and people i Know aren’t allowed to know about me. which creates a real fucking dilemma when i make posts like this. anyways i want to not be me thanks.

#teresa talks #not rt #personal #its seriously long #im such a fucking piece of shit

7 notes · View notes

stuntchica · 7 years

Text

i just keep getting so angry about hospital so im going to try and write down everything bad i can remember them doing to try and get it all out

when they first came to my house dr d completely waved off what i said abt not remembering childhood & being disturbed by that. he asked me to name a childhood toy & after i could he said ‘see, you can remember’ even though id literally seen that toy that morning & was remembering from,, you know,, my whole life not just my childhood

despite the fact that i was not a danger to myself or anyone else, dr d decided after seeing me for 20 minutes that i had to go into hospital. he said i could either come informally myself or he would have me sectioned

i was not told how long i would be there for. we were told to bring an overnight bag so i expected it to just be overnight. when i got there i was told that i’d be there for at least 2 weeks

when they first gave me the menu to order off i wasnt told that there was a Rule that i had to finish everything so i ordered the thing i thought id like the most even tho i knew there was stuff i wouldnt like with it

when the food arrived (pizza, peas & chips) i ate everything except the cheese on the pizza bc it was cheddar & thats a Bad Food(tm) & i was really proud of myself bc it was more than i’d had in one sitting for weeks. the exact words the nurse with me said were ‘this counts as a failure’

when the snack time came around no one told me the full list of options (weeks later i found out that chocolate was available) so i picked a yogurt. after opening it i realised it had bits in it but i was too scared to ask for a different one bc i didnt like any of the other flavours. i ate as much as i could but i rlly couldnt stand the bits. the nurse with me told me it was another failure but another nurse in the room, thankfully, replaced her & understood what had happened

i dont remember what happened on the rest of the first day bc my abandonment fear kicked in and i got really panicked when my parents had to leave

i dont remember the rest in chronological order, but lets see

the room i was put into had a leaky toilet. it would leak all night long and due to how the bathroom was the leak echoed. it sounded like a waterfall. every time they came to fix it it would break again later that day. my shower was also broken and wouldnt turn on

i had to have a blood test on a friday but they didnt send the bloods off straight away so i had to have another one the next monday. keep in mind that i have an intense fear of needles

dr d compared me going on the internet to drug addicts waiting in line for heroine, even after i explained that it was the only way i had to avoid isolating myself & tried to explain what i actually do there

i couldnt eat a meal and was told ‘if you dont start eating we’ll have to make you’ despite the fact that i was eating when i could & if i couldnt finish a meal i was eating chocolate that was in my room. also despite the fact i was an informal patient so that was literally not possible

dr d spent hours trying to convince & guilt me into agreeing to take medication, despite the fact that was the one thing i’d always said no to (fun fact! i literally cant swallow medication. no one took me seriously when i said that either). eventually tho the psychologist spoke to him abt it & he stopped

the first 2 weeks i was there i saw no therapists. at all. because it was the easter holidays and they were away. there was nothing to do all day except watch tv, colour, & play cards. despite the fact that we were all so bored we were not taken out of the hospital or allowed access to our phones

in fact, for the entire 2 months i was there i was only taken out by staff twice. both those times happened in the same day. and were to the same place. a costa that was in the main hospital. does it even count as going out if youre just taken to a different part of the same building?

i had to stay there for 2 months while actively suicidal patients were allowed to leave before their 2 week assessments were over

even my camhs psychologist admitted that she didnt expect them to keep me for more than 2 weeks

the hospital psychologist admitted that she had no idea why dr d was insisting i stay for so long

i was told i was going to be put on a meal plan. i told them that would make me lose weight bc it would further limit how much i could eat. they didnt listen to me and blamed me when i did, in fact, lose weight

for the first month i was there no one did anything about my weight. i had to keep telling them that was my main problem and i needed help with it. after their ‘help’ hindered more than anything i regretted bringing it up

one night we found a piece of paper saying ‘i have a knife and im going to use it to self harm or kill someone’. when we all got, understandably, scared the nurses patronised us and got annoyed with us

a nurse yelled at my friend for ‘not being polite’

my friend managed to run away from the hospital twice. there were warning signs that the rest of the patients picked up on. she nearly killed herself both times

my friend found a razorblade on a seat. she was so shocked to see it there she said out loud ‘there’s a razorblade’. she said later that she regretted alerting everyone to it bc the nurses obviously took it away. we still dont know how it got there

one girl brought in a pair of scissors. no one had thought to check her bag. luckily she didnt intend to use them for anything other than arts & crafts (& cutting her hair, which is how i found out about the scissors & told her to hand them in. yeah, they didnt even notice she had scissors until i pointed them out)

one girl stole a syringe from the medical room and used it to take the supplement out of her nose tube. they didnt notice for weeks.

one week i gained some of weight. when i was happy dr d said ‘thats not really enough to be happy about’. the next week a lost less weight than i had gained. he spent half an hour telling me about how much of a failure i was

dr d tried very hard to have me diagnosed with atypical anorexia despite me consistently saying ‘i want to gain weight because i know im unhealthily underweight’ and the fact that the reason i was admitted to camhs was bc i went to the doctor for help to gain weight

my parents came to collect me to go out every day at 1:30pm. one day by 3:30pm they still werent there. i was scared something had happened because i had no phone to text them using. eventually i was told that the staff had called them to tell them not to come, and no one had told me. i had a panic attack because theyd gone behind my back and this meant i wouldnt be able to text my fp all day. the next day when i saw dr d he said ‘youre nearly 18 isnt it a bit childish to get upset over not seeing your parents for just one day?’

an ot that i saw said that i ‘put on an american accent and smiled when it was pointed out’. what really happened was she asked if i had an american accent and i smiled out of awkwardness and said ‘i speak to american people so maybe i picked it up??’ bc i didnt want her to feel awkward. if she had asked me i would have told her that i wasnt trying to put on any kind of accent

we were allowed to watch the babadook and mama but the second we suggested a film about psychosis we were told no

me and my friend got yelled at for what was on tv once

they called the police on patients, multiple times, when it was clear that no one would have reacted violently if they’d just done their jobs right

my friend cried because she knew after she left hospital she would have a criminal record. she had punched a nurse by accident while having a panic attack

i was told i could go home & was being discharged. i emptied out my room and spent a great 2 weeks at home. then we were called and i was told i had to go back for a night

dr d always had an idea in his head of what was wrong with me, and if i said anything that went against it he’d tell me that i was either lying or in denial

dr d told me off for not looking at him and said it wasnt polite

dr d told me off for crying

dr d told me off for not feeling safe with my eyes closed

dr d told another patient that she was probably not autistic bc she understood what ‘pull your socks up’ meant

despite me saying that i wanted to be assessed for asd nothing happened. they told me that they would consider me to be ‘informally autistic’ but that meant literally nothing

nurses thought that they could get me to eat by sitting next to me and guilting me

very few nurses noticed that i ate chocolate after meals because i was aware of the fact that i wasnt eating much & i wanted to change that

i had to eat chocolate after meals bc no one listened to me when i explained my food issues and that was the only way to make sure i was eating

there was what was basically a riot. i wasnt there when it happened but its easy to see how people got that upset and angry

the day after the riot everyone was punished, even those of us who hadnt even been at the hospital

my friend was shut in the ‘rumpus room’ (padded room). its illegal to do that

it took a month before someone told me i was allowed to discharge myself

i spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. it was never explained why i was there in a way i could understand. dr d literally said ‘my colleagues ask why you’re still here’ yet he didn’t discharge me. if i hadn’t turned 18 im sure i would still be there. i wasnt diagnosed with anything. it made my mental health worse

this isnt even everything because my memory of then is very patchy

#yellow.txt #.txt #long post --#hospital --#food m --#calories m --#ed m --#doctors m --#ask to tag --#ableism ? --#medical abuse ? --#hospital tag

7 notes · View notes

pen-tagon-wvja-blog · 7 years

Text

DON'T FALL(jungkook high school au)

Jungkook high school au Genre: high school au(fluff) Word count:…who knows? Paring:jungkook and reader(y/n) Summary: You are in a very popular kpop group called Krushed and jungkook is in BTS. You’re around 18(because your the maknae). You have to learn korean in order to move to korea and go to a korean school. Lets just say that going to the same school and entainment building as flirty jeon jungkook is, as you expected…..hard..

CHAPTER: 1 Part:½

Besides being half english and half korean, in the last two years a lot has happened. Such as living in LA (speaking english), to being forced to audition for bighit entertainment and being in your own kpop group, causing you to live in seoul (speaking korean). You have just done your comeback so you have more time at school; and you don’t know if that is a bad or good thing yet. You go to a school where most kpop artists go because its a overall art school which covers the subjects of art, dance, drama, photography, vocal and music. You didnt mind having to walk to school as was only a couple of streets away which is great because if you wear a mask not many people will recognise you. You knew some of the kpop artists and trainee’s in your classes and you werent in a class without your best friend, Momo. Apart from art, your favourite class was photography, but lunch time is the best.

In your kpop group there were 5 members: Yeonjoo- Leader, oldest, sensible, vocal Taeyoon- Lead dancer, tomboy, main rapper Yura- 4D and silly, vocal, friendly Happi- happy?!, dancer, vocal, cute, energetic Hyunji- vocal, dancer, sleepy and lazy Y/N- main vocal, main dancer, main face, flexible, shy, a bit of rap SIGH! You got along with all of the members but with taeyoon you could tell her anything anything and she would understand, she knew you inside out, you could trust her. You were worried about if people would like you, so you usually look your self up on the internet and people are usually nice but they all find it cute how you and taeyoon are so comfortable around each other, like when you casually just layed sprawled across her on the sofa.

Sadly you got woken up by water being thrown on your face by yeonjoo.“Wake up y/n…. sorry, i even tried tickling your tummy” were the first words you heard that morning. “Why are you like this?!” You replied with a groan while rubbing the water of your face and the sleep out of your eyes. “You should be excited becuase its your first day at your new school!“she said. “I’m sorry to burst your bubble but i’m not excited at all, if anything i’m sort of nervous.” It was true, it had to be said that you were nervous but when you said that you thouht to yourself that anyone would feel like that…its normal. “Don’t be, you’ll be fine. Here get ready. ” she declared while dumping my school uniform on my head. Yeonjoo was like a mum to the group, as none of us lived with our real mums, she took that place and made it her job to take care of us. UUUUURRRRGGGGGHHHHHH You had to wake up. As you opened your eyes, you realised that the school uniform was BRIGHT YELLOW!! just think positive. Anyway yellow could be the new fashion…….pppfftt……NO!! You decised to get it over with. At least you didnt look like a banana, it looked okay..ish. As you were the youngest you still had to go to school while all the other lazy members layed on theirs buts all day except when they have to open the door for the take-away man to give them their unhealthy lunch. You did your morning routine and headed to the living room which had hyunji laying face down on the carpet. You carried her to her room and layed her dow on her bed said bye and went to have breakfast. You had breakfast, brushed your teeth and grabbed your bag ready to go. Finally you shouted “BYE UNNIES!” And left. As you were halfway down the flat stairs you realised that you had forgotten your mask so you had to go back and get it. “ IM GONNA BE LATE!” So you ran to the dorm and back after grabbing your mask and putting it on.

《~Jungkooks POV~》

Jungkook practically had the same morning, with that he got water chucked on him, told to get ready, got ready, went, forgot his dancing clothes, went back, got them, and was late. “Well done jungkook!” He said to himself sarcasticlly.

《~ Y/N POV ~》

As you nervously tried to find the location of the school, your hands turned sweaty. Finally after a long search you found it and said “you can do this y/n” to yourself. Then you confidently strolled into the school looking like you were meant to be late. You tried to find the reception so they could take you to your class. YESSSS!! They have signs up!! You followed the signs untill you reached the counter of reception. They told you what class you were in, gave you your timetable and a vague direction of where to go. Squinting your eyes to try and figure out what the worn out signs said above each door, was a difficult task. Uuurrrgghhh they werent in any specific order, which wasnt helping. Aa-ha! You found one that looks like your class number so you knocked on the door politely and waited for an answer. You got an answer and went in. “Excuse me sir but is this class 18 because as im new i cant really read the worn out signs very well.“you said while gulping because all the eyes were on you. “Its okay, im sorry but this isnt class 18. Class 18 is just round the corner, i could get someone to take you if you like?” He said kindly and you replied with “Yes please sir”.

《~jungkooks POV~》

You werent running to school because you had a nice homeroom teacher who lets you off because your an idol. If you were really late, you would just say that there was lots of fans outside and if there wasnt then no one would disagree because people knew not to mess with you. As you casually strolled into school with no worries you saw something that stopped your movements completely. A girl. Not any girl but it just had to be a transfer student that was lost and looking really cute because she couldnt find her classroom. But this time she was REEEEEAAAAALLLYY pretty, like heart stopping pretty. And you being the flirty jeon jungkook you were, decided to go talk to her and help her find her class. Lets g–. Suddenly you felt that legs wouldnt move even if you willed them to move…they didnt. Uurrgghh why now?! You completely froze! Come on brain….ENGAGE! Then you realised that she was walking away from you…your eyes widened. She was going to YOUR classroom! She knocked, waited then turned the handle. It was like as if everything was in slow motion. You removed your headphones that were now playing sad music…typical. You knew you were a flirter and you admitted it, you did it for fun but this time was no fun, this was dead serious. You were in love… TRUE love. And not any part of you could deny it, you had fallen for this mystery girl who looks foriegn…. but what if you dont speak her language?! Aaaahh i bet namjoon hyung will speak her language… *sigh*urgh jungkook wake up you havent even spoken to her yet, GET A GRIP!! You kind of recognise her though…

《~Y/N POV~》

“Yes please sir” you replied politely. Suddenly it hit you, you were an idol thats why they were all staring at you! “Hhhhmmmmm, Ah! Taehyung! Would you like to go and take this student to class 18?” He asked one of his students. Because you were too busy talking to yourself you forgot to look around the class. You looked around the class and your eyes imediatly landed on the tall boy at the back who was asleep whith his head against the window, mouth wide open. You scoffed quietly and waited for a responce from the student that is so called taehyung. WAIT! like KIM taehyung, THE kim taehyung…from bts!? WAIT. You looked at the sleeping student and stared at his face intensly with wide eyes. IT WAS TAEHYUNG!!! “TAEHYUUUUNG!!“said the teacher obviously annoyed at the fact that he got no responce. You looked at the teacher and saw that he was looking at the same boy you were looking at! The cute kpop idol woke up with his back straight and eyes wide open and looking straight at you. You felt a bit centered so you broke the intense gaze that he created. "Yes sir?” He answered while finally breaking the gaze between you and him and looked at the teacher in question. “I wouldnt like you to sleep in my class but i would like you to take this new student to class 18 please.” He declared which you sneered at. STOOOPP! That means that taehyung will be taking me and me only around the school with no one watching us. WE WILL BE ALONE!!! eeeekkk! “Yes sir” he said with his big box smile on. To be honest you had huge crushes on taehyung and jungkook, you just didnt show it in order to seem respectful to your sunbaes. Taehyung took his precious time going down the middle of seats. But before he finished his admirable walk he banged his foot on the leg of a table. Wow, real smooth. “Ow.” He said like it didnt even hurt when he was making a face that said it hurt a lot. Reaching where you were standing he gave you a sly wink when he walked past and the teacher wasnt looking. OOOMMMMMGGGOOOSSSHHH!!!!! TAEHYUNG JUST WINKED AT ME……AAAAHHHH!!! You were silently fangirling on the inside but on the outside you were blushing sooooo hard. You told your cheecks to calm down but they didnt. You didnt have many friends at your old school, only close ones but when they heard you were a trainee they all wanted to be your friend. Typical. The reason you didnt have many friends is because you were naturally cold hearted towards new people. You probably didnt notice but you were being cold towards taehyung and you couldnt help it even though you practically knew him inside out. Back to reality. Taehyung walked past you and he purposely brushed his hand against yours while reaching for the door handle. You were totally fangirling inside yourself. You still couldnt believe that TAEHYUNG was beside you. It looked as though taehyung didnt recognise you which is good because if he did then he might treat you differently. When he was leaning past you, you took in his scent and it smelt manly but friendly at the same time. You loved it so much. After that he opened the door with ease and held it open, signalling for you to go through. ‘Such a gentleman’ you thought. You walked through without a smile and stopped outside, waiting for him to direct you where to go.

《~jungkook POV~》

It was true though, you did recognise her. You stood there thinking about how she would react if you flirt with her, but if you flirt with her she might not like it and therefore not like me, I’ll probably come across as too in her face, confident and needy so lets not do that. By now your legs could move and you could go in your classroom, sit next to her, know her name and dream about her. You started to walk in the direction of your classroom untill when you were about 5 metres away from the door you saw her walk out after someone opened the door for her. Maybe she got the wrong classroom, i mean the signs arent very clear. Then you were about to walk up to her and say hi untill you saw who walked out after her….taehyung. Dont get me wrong i like taehyung because we are best friends but this time you got a bit annoyed about him being with your girl. What are you thinking!? She is not your girl, stop dreaming jungkook. Although it would be nice if she was… YAH!! stop it!

《~y/n POV~》

After taehyung came out after you, he said “this way” and heads in the direct to your right. He leads the way and after 2 seconds he stops which makes you bump into his back. You rub your nose and look around taehyungs body to see a boy staring.WAIT!!!!! IS THAT JEON JUNGKOOK??!! OOO MMMMM GGGOOOSSSHHH!!! IT IS !! You blushed while standing behind taehyung but peaking around him with wide eyes to see 2 of your crushes. Jungkook just stood there staring but you couldnt tell who he was staring at yet untill taehyung spoke. “Oh!! Jungkookie!! What are you doing here?, are you late for the hundredth time?” Taehyung took steps towards jungkook and embraced him in a ‘man hug’. jungkook didnt say anything and stood there with his mouth slightly agape, still staring. But this time he was staring over taehyungs shoulder at you. Inside you were screaming so hard and trying not to scream outloud. [He was staring like he is in my profile picture]. AAAHH 2 BIASES IN ONE TOGETHER TAEKOOK.!!….AHHH. WAIT!! he might have recognised you as you were both kpop idols! Oh no! WAIT STAY CALM, JUST CALM DOWN CHEEKS GO ON YOU CAN DO IT. GO BACK TO NORMAL. You think your cheeks have gone back to normal so you instantly bow and say “hello jungkook sunbae, i am y/n” aaaaahhhh you let sunbae slip out of your mouth, that means he will know that you are a kpop artist. NOOO! So you covered it up with “i mean hello jungkook ssi, i am y/n”. At this piont jungkook looks really confused and so does taehyung because of your mistake. “How do you know me?"he asked piontlessly. "Um jungkook if you havent noticed, your a kpop idol…practically everybody knows you.” You answered casually. Suddenly taehyung burst out laughing at the fact that jungkook still had a shocked face on. You started to giggle too, i mean how could you not when taehyung is snorting. After all the laughter we all calmed down and stood staring at each other so you decided to break the silence. “Taehyung was just showing me to my classroom, what were you doing jungkook-ssi?” “Just going to my classroom” he said calmly. That was the first thing that you have heard his say in real life instead of through a tv screen. WoW. “Anyway…y/n… lets go” taehyung said as he put both his hands on each of my shoulders and lead me through many doors while chatting untill i said “didnt sir say it was just around the corner?” “Yes he did but we are going the long way.” He confirmed. “Why?” I asked confused. “Well truly because i wanted to spend more time with you” he said and after slightly blushing. “Really, why?” “Well because i thought you were like jungkook. 1: because you were really shy, 2: because your cold at first but cute on the inside.” “YAHH! You think i am cute on the inside?” “See? You werent like this earlier because you were cold on the outside.” “I see…. then your like a hyeena!.. 1:because your hair is brown, 2: because you have big ears and 3 because you laugh a lot!” “ummmm, thank you?…. anyway would you like to sit with me at lunch?"he asked curiously. "Of course!” Your walk came to an end and at the last step you took taehyung grabbed your hand and looked straight into your eyes. “Y/N when class finishes and its time for lunch, wait outside here and DO NOT move because i will come to show you where the canteen is…okay?” “Yes” was all you could say becuase you were still over whelmed that he was holding both you hands!!!! AAAHHHH!! *fangirling inside* “promise?” Taehyung asked with a serious face.“promise."you confirmed."okay, see ya later” he said while giving your hands a little squeeze and walking away. YOU COULD LITERALLY FAINT RN AAHH!!He was holding my hands!! You had to compose yourself before going in and introducing yourself. The rest of your classes went by like a blur and it was soon lunchtime. And as taehyung told you to do, you waited outside the class….

*TO BE CONTINUED*

Authors note: I dont expect many people to read this fanfic but oh well. I will be proud of myself for getting 1 like. Wow i used a lot of capitals in this chapter! I am too tired to finish this off so i split it into 2 parts and left it on a cliffhanger. Hehe lol😜😏thats it, im finished…😊 Ep 2 should be done by 20th February 2017 Dated: 11/1/17

#jungkook #jeon jungkook #bts #jungkook fanfic #high school au #jungkook ff #bts ff #army #bts army #bts fluff #jungkook fluff #jungkook high school au ff #black cherry pie #kookie #kookie fluff #jungkookie fluff #jungkookie ff #jungkookie

1 note · View note

asksansweredpdf · 5 years

Text

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. i don’t have one particular favourite movie per se. but star wars: i binge watched them at my friend’s house just before the ast jedi came out. i knew nothing about star wars and watched everything within 2/3 days. then, about a week later i watched the force awakens. and that was purely because we decided to watch the last jedi (which had just come out in cinemas) the next day. honestly, i didn’t care for star wars much skdjfhdjk but the force awakens really got me into it. and the last jedi fully sold me. then i went back and rewatched and i loooove the empire strikes back. now they’re my favourite movies. marvel: again, i hadn’t seen any marvel. but i had pretty much every friend i had yelling at me to catch up before end game came out. i loosely planned on watching them, but didn’t really get around to it until i got baked at a friends house and we had nothing to do. so we watched age of ultron and iron man and some others (i was too stoned to remember). i was sold i loved every second. and the fact that i was very high and rdj was very cute didn’t hurt. i went home the next day and watched ragnarok which happened to be probably the best movie i’d ever seen at that point. the next day, we got stoned again and watched infinity war. it was so fucked but amazing. i booked tickets for me and my dad to watch end game this saturday.

2: Talk about your first kiss. oh god. i was 15 and there was this guy who i thought was cool. he was a friend of my very gay crush at the time. me and the crush had a falling out later on. and a lot of other fucked up shit happened around that time period. i moved to his (the friend's) neighbourhood as it happened. we got talking because we had the same taste in music. and my best friend at the time put in a good word for me. i didn’t think of him as much more than a friend tbh, but my life was going to shit and i wanted to get out of the house ad have fun. so we organised to meet up at our town’s centre shopping place. i told my parents i was going with [insert random female names here] to hang out since we moved into a new place. they bought it and offered to drive me. i honestly thought we were just going to chill out and eat food. i was also nervous that this was a set up from his friend who was my crush, since the crush hated me and probably would have plotted to do something fucked. however, it turned out not to be a set up. we ended up walking around the suburb. this was much to my disapproval, because i was not very fit and had a strong dislike for exercise. he could tell i was tired and we decided to stop and sit down on this brick wall thing at the corner of a street. there was some terrible flirting on my part, and the next thing i know i was kissing this guy. i was pretty excited because every 15 year old girl wants their first kiss. and especially edgy ones who needed a distraction. i came home with no lipstick and chapped lips. lucky my parents were too busy to notice.

3: Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for. most intense? i could list best friends, but in terms of intensity i think it would be this guy that i moved out with for the first time. i know this sounds terrible, but he was my best friend’s boyfriend at the time. i was pretty sure i was a lesbian at the time and i’m also not fucked up. so i wasn’t expecting this at all. because of the whole gay thing, and me being a flirty shit with anyone, i ended up very shamelessly flirting with him. he was sooo pretty, and im not just saying this. objectively, he is still probably one of the best looking people i’ve ever seen. and i own mirrors. anywayyyy, i took my sister to this lana del rey concert one day. not a lana fan personally, but borns was opening and i like him. turns out i like borns a lot. a hell of a lot. next day, i found myself talking to my best friend and her boyfriend and being like “hey i think i might be bi”. their reaction can be quoted as “oh cool okay.” the night after the concert, we got drunk. not a great idea, because i love to flirt when sober. so when i’m drunk and have literally 0 shame it’s a lot of fun but also an entire disaster. my friend bought her friend over and they were talking, which left me and the bf. the boys started teaching me self defence and were doing the whole smooth thing where they stand pressed up behind you and move your arms for you. they put me into headlocks and taught me how to get out and stuff. i was so drunk the ground kept spinning. a lot of terrible outrageous flirting ensued, like choking, touching adams apples, arm tickles, hugs that lasted 10 minutes while he had a knife in his pocket for whatever reason? more hugs like that but now featuring grinding. we slept in the same bed (just slept. nothing else. don’t get too excited). cuddling while in the same bed. laying on his chest and falling asleep. him playing with my hair. one time he played with my tiddies. this was over the course of like 9 months. whenever we werent 2 seconds away from like ..... jumping each other, we were just flirting in the most unsubtle way. obviously nothing happened, because he had a gf and everything. and as much as i didnt want to, i started to get some reeeeeal feelings. turns out the guy was a dick who only flirted with me whenever his gf wasnt paying attention to me. i later cut the whole thing off, and he started to act like a real dick to me. but yeaaahh. that was some intense shit.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far. probably not getting a license for any vehicle. that’s held me back so much the last 5 years. i wouldn’t have had to go through half the shit i did, if i could just drive

5: Talk about the best birthday you've had. my 15th birthday! i had raspberry chocolate bullets, watched movies in class because it was end of term, my friends bought me presents to school. the guy i had a crush on came to where i was sitting and sung a song to me in front of everyone. i think my friend bought me a club penguin membership? i ate pide and played league with crush and crush’s crush.

6: Talk about the worst birthday you've had. my 18th. i don’t want to talk too much about it because im very drunk atm but basically, i was suuuper depressed already that year. my mum was doing cocaine every spare second she could, and screwing men for it so she could get it for free (of course, none of us knew this at the time). whenever she wasn’t doing coke she was screaming at everyone for like, not taking pictures of her enough, or for eating dinner without asking her, etc. she and my dad were constantly either yelling at each other, or were 2 seconds away from yelling at each other. we went to a clothes shopping outlet. which i very outwardly expressed my hatred for, btw. my mum got mad because my dad told her not to look at clothes, because it was my 18th. my mum didn’t talk for the rest of the time we were in the shopping centre. i could feel the tension rising because they were in the 2 seconds away from having a fight period. i came home and watched sailor moon in my room alone. later my parents brought a cake and lit the candles. dad said to me “my god i am so sorry. this has been the most amazing birthday, hasnt it? you should thank your mother. she’s just the best. i’m so sorry! i never wanted this for you”. and, you know, my coke fuelled mother just screamed her lungs off and gave it right back to him. and my aries dad just yelled right back. and the candles were lit in the dark room and wax was dripping onto my chocolate birthday cake. and i hated chocolate flavoured cake. and i just wanted to run away all day because i knew this was going to happen. and they couldn’t even hold it together for me? or for my 18th? so i just sat there and cried as they screamed at eachother. i blew out the candles and ran into my bedroom and watched vines in my room. the end! :D

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity. honestly, i don’t have a lot of insecurities. i have a lot of fears, but not insecurities. i guess i’m insecure about my body in certain places. i have a scar from an operation i had when i was 9 and it makes my stomach look chubby, but only on one side? it’s out of proportion and weird. and i have violin hips.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of. honestly, it’s so simple, but i’m really proud of still being alive. i thought for sure i’d be dead by now

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. i love my back! it sounds weird, but i have a rly nice waist and my back is sooo soft and smooth and it goes in at the waist and its so nice to touch and look at. and i have really nice and toned legs. and my arms are getting toned now too because my work makes me carry a lot of heavy stuff. and my baby sister is getting bigger and i’m usually the one to hold her. and i have nice hands too. but my favourite thing is my face and hair.

10: Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had. oh god. not going into much detail about this at all because i spend like 3 or 4 years crying about this. it featured: 2 best friends of mine who i had been friends with for 10 years; my crush at the time; random people off the internet i’d never met before. like i said before, i was a 15 year old with a lot going on. maybe that didn’t make it okay for me to be as annoying as i was, but it’s done now. they all got into a skype group chat together without me. and call it paranoia, but i call it intuition. i knew they were all shit talking me. i could tell there was something up for a while now. they all started changing their online profiles to something that very clearly mocked me, they started making posts about me, and posts that were clearly parodies of my posts. and i sort of went along with it because i dont like to stir up much trouble. but the posts just got worse and worse to where it was like ‘you were so weird and creepy’ and calling me names and stuff. honestly, i can’t even remember anymore because i spend a while blocking it out. but it was pretty mean. but it hurt more because there were all the people i was closest to, all saying fucked up shit about me. and then random people who lived in my city who i didnt know. after the fight ended, we never spoke again. but i spend the next 2 years afraid that i would bump into somebody from online in person and they would recognise me, and the whole thing would happen again

11: Talk about the best dream you've ever had. tbh i dont remember a lot of my dreams. i usually have nightmares anyway? i think i had a dream i could fly and had like magic powers and stuff. i was 8 or something and it was fun.

12: Talk about the worst dream you've ever had. after i moved out of my parents house, i had a lot of nightmares about my mum. again, i don’t remember specifics because i tried to block out the memory, but i remember feeling terrified, and then waking up relieved to remember i was out of there. after that, i started smoking weed which meant no dreaming which was good

13: Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. i haven’t had like..... sex sex yet. i’ve been almost raped a few times? skfsdkjfl that sounds so cringey. but yeah! i dont know though, i imagine i’ll probably be super drunk for my first time. or maybe high. they make me more confident than usual. and for some reason i dont really like the idea of sex when im sober. i don’t think i’d be willing to be vulnerable with someone unless it was in a circumstance like that, maybe. and i’d be sure i wouldn’t have to see them again later on unless i wanted to. that way if i embarrassed myself, it wouldn’t matter. it would just be a terrible memory no one else would ever have to know about.

14: Talk about a vacation. i want one of these answers to not be about a fucked up memory of mine but i ...... truly can’t recall something? i guess there was a christmas i had when i was a kid (maybe around 8 or 10) and i’ll leave out the fucked up bits. but i stayed with my mother’s family and my grandmother owned a holiday apartment thing which had a pool and my uncles had horses and i got to see everyone and my uncles were super funny and let me play video games with them.

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life. there was this period for about ..... 3 months in my last year of high school just before i graduated. all my assignments were over, and my major works were all finished. i was just putting the finishing touches on them. and all i had to do was study for exams. i got into the swing of school. and my friend got her license so she used to drive us places after school and we would hang out and do dumb shit together. i didn’t care what anyone thought of me because i knew i wouldn’t have to see them again in 6 months unless i wanted to. the next time was this few months after i’d just moved out of my parent’s house. probably 4 or 5 months. i had been dreaming of having my own place for like, my entire childhood. and i finally did! and it was with my best friend and this guy i really liked. and all i did was go to uni for a few hours a day. and then that was it! my time was all my own to do whatever i wanted with. i didn’t have a lot of money but i was so so so happy. i used to take myself to the movies. i was in walking distance of a train station and uni. so i could go wherever i wanted, whenever i wanted. i just felt so free

16: Talk about the best party you've ever been to. the first part of my house-warming party was probably the best. i got really drunk, and someone’s mum brought weed so i was reeeeeally drunk and then reeeeeally high. i was dressed in the cutest outfit and a few people were flirting with me. actually, i think i made out with like 3 different people that night. and my friend bought me flowers! which i loved because no one had ever bought me flowers before. and we went to the park and i was so high and drunk and the little swing ride i was on felt like a rollercoaster.

17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with. hmmmmm to be honest, i’m trying not to make friends at the moment. i have a lot of other stuff i need to focus on. and having friends only leads to disappointment and heartbreak. i have a few friends i’ve accidentally made, but i’m trying to keep my distance from them so that we’re just ‘friends’ and not ‘good friends’ or anything like that. but secretly, i do love them a lot.

18: Talk about something that happened in elementary school. me and my best friend at the time were doing a school play about mary the saint (i went to catholic school). there were 3 of us: me, my best friend, and some guy who didnt have friends so we let him in our group. anyway, i wanted to play mary, but for whatever reason, this dude reeeeeeally fucking wanted to be mary. he started like yelling and stomping and being like “NO! i want to be mary!” and then just as he stomped his foot, a branch from a tree fell right on his head. and, without missing a beat, my friend goes “well, that branch hit you on the head so now you can’t be mary” and i laughed my ass off and he cried 19: Talk about something that happened in middle school. omg these are all going to be funny stories because why not. so this one time in like 6th grade, we had to use calculators to do some complex maths work. and there was this one calculator that kept fucking up and giving the wrong answers. i knew enough basic maths at that point to know that the calculator was faulty. anyway so me and my friends gave it to this other kid just to punk him a little right. turns out he didn’t realise it was a broken calculator and he finished his work and handed it in to the teacher, and proceeded to get in trouble sjlfsorerjlksjr

20: Talk about something that happened in high school. omg so in high school i did this multimedia class. so we would film events like chapels (i went to a christian high school) and assembly, etc. and what we filmed would go on the big screens for everyone to see. kinda like a concert. and anyway, one time this kid got in trouble in front of everyone, and my classmate did this dramatic zoom on our multimedia teacher as he stormed out of the auditorium, dramatically walking out to get the kid in trouble

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. oh so this one time after i finished school i started going through rough patch #2 and i just needed a friend to talk to. and this guy from school was sort of the only friend who kept checking up on me and inviting me out places. and i liked that. i didn’t always have enough energy to do stuff or talk, because, depression. but i appreciated the fact that he cared. never thought much about it. until one day, we hadn’t spoken for like a month and he tells me suddenly that he has feelings for me. and of course, that’s so sweet and i did love the guy. but i wasn’t in the headspace for a relationship at all. i really just needed a friend. and i felt so terrible

22: Talk about your worst fear. my worst fear ever? it used to be dying. but i think now it’s just having to go through what i went through again. my worst fear would be being a child again and being at the mercy of others and having to rely on them. my worst fear is trusting people and having them completely fuck you up. again and again. and not being able to do anything about it because you need them.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down. hoo boy. i was 15 and made friends with someone on the internet who turned out to go to my school. developed a crush on him, but he was very gay. i ended up telling him for whatever reason. and that went just about the way you’d think

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

i don’t know. most people don’t know what they’re talking about when they give me advice. and i’m not saying that to be arrogant, but just most people haven’t been through much and not to sound self-pitying but i’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. these are just facts here. so i don’t really believe what people say. i used to have this friend who was and will probably always be the only person who could ever make me laugh. genuinely. it felt like soulmates, but i was like a kid. but we had exactly the same sense of humour, and she was so witty and quick and would always have the best comedic timing. i really admired her and still do. anyway, one time she called me effortlessly funny. and that meant a lot then and still does now.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend. i just did, but sure. i’ll keep talking about her because i’m already thinkig of her. i’m pretty sure she was a capricorn rising. she had this really deadpan humour and it was always hilarious. we were friends since we were 4 years old. and i dont think i appreciated it as much as i should have at the time, but we really did grow up together and in each others arms. she was very cool and closed off and serious. and i got to see her funny and silly side. but what was even cooler than that was that i got to know her emotionally. she had a twin, and looking back, i don’t think her twin even saw as much of that as i got to. we used to have talks about anything and everything. you know those people who you can stay up all night laughing with and talking to and it doesn’t even feel like it’s been 10 minutes and all of a sudden the sun is coming up? but it was so effortless and fun and. yeah. it was like that. i still haven’t met anyone like that since. we later had a falling out and i met her again after like a year but we both had our walls up and that’s sort of when i realised how much we really trusted each other. you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone kinda thing.

26: Talk about things you do when you're sick. complain. bitch. complain some more. i usually buy nasal spray because having a blocked nose is SO ANNOYING. and otherwise, i don’t mind being sick too much. like obviously it’s not ideal but you do what you can. if i’m truly annoyed with being sick, i just sleep so i don’t have to be awake to deal with it

27: Talk about your favorite part of someone else's body. i love girls tummys and waists

28: Talk about your fetishes. idk i like some light bondage, light choking, a biiiiit very much maybe potentially kinda into rapeplay, and spanking is fun

29: Talk about what turns you on. most of what turns me on is like dom/sub power dynamics. im into scanarios that have a looooot of sexual build up and tension. it’s pretty much foreplay for me personally. especially if it’s like flirty banter or implications, and dirty talk can be fun if done right.

30: Talk about what turns you off. absolutely not into anal at all. complete turn off. not at all into the thing where people get off on girls acting like kids, or people who think fucking someone who is asleep is hot. idk i like most normal shit tbh. anything else is probably weird for a reason

31: Talk about what you think death is like. i think it’s probably the most painful experience you’ll ever have physically. and then everything goes black and that’s it

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. i remember my childhood house’s backyard. it was massive and had like a step in the middle where the grass changed levels. there was a swingset with a slide. and for the majority of my childhood my parents were doing renovations, so there were lots of holes in the backyard that we used to dodge. we used to catch lizards and i used to collect bird feathers. and at the very back, right in front of the back fence, my parents planted little trees and chillis

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad. i immediately find the fastest way to be alone. i immediately listen to music. i drink or smoke or get high on something. or i try to make myself laugh if i’m at work and can’t do either of those things. if i can’t make myself laugh, i try to talk to a customer and pretend to be happy hoping that whatever they have to say will distract me from whatever i’m sad about.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you've endured. eugh. every year i somehow get sent to the hospital because i can’t stop vomiting. i dont know how because its always for different reasons. but i always end up puking an excessive amount on an annual basis. the worst pain is when you can’t stop vomiting, so your stomach just cramps and cramps and cramps and you vomit but nothing happens and it just cramps again. it’s literally worse than period cramps. and mine are so bad.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. having anxiety. i overthink a lot which doesnt help either. the thing is that i studied psychology, and i still don’t know how to stop myself from being so anxious. like i know how much it affects my work and stuff but i just can’t stop feeling like i’m about to die at any given second.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures. drinking, drugs, smoking, im not even guilty about those. idk. to quote niall hora- i mean pink, i’m not guilty about any of my pleasures

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. an old best friend. different to aforementioned best friend. we were friends for 6 years. not as close as the other one, but close as i’ve been to someone since. we were both depressed and going through stuff and both flirted with each other just for shits and gigs. idk. i think we really only bonded because we were both depressed and suicidal and having someone else around who is going through the same stuff makes everything so much more bearable. once i stopped being depressed i stopped being as close and as in love. but at the time, it was really nice and beautiful, we truly could talk about anything together. i could have opened with “i love being dominated in bed” instead of “hello” and she would have just rolled with it. we used to dream about the future together and hold hands and hug. idk. we used to just hang out together and there was never any pressure to do anything or be anyone. it was just us being our dorky selves.

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. goodbye stranger by supertramp reminds me of above mentioned friend, two of us by the beatles reminds me of first mentioned best friend, and i love her by the beatles reminds me of this friend group i had for 10 years. princess by shortstack reminds me of this friend i had for a few years who i almost had a thing with because i knew she liked me but neither of us ever said anything.

39: Talk about things you wish you'd known earlier. i wish i’d have known that it’s not a good or admirable trait to be so open with people so quickly. you shouldn’t immediately show people that you trust them or like them, and you definitely shouldn’t get so excited about things for them. it makes you look naive and they will definitely just use you. i wish i’d known to get my license earlier i wish i’d have known what weed was like earlier. it really would have helped me out a lot.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life. the end of high school was really hard. i know a lot of people hated high school. and i did. but once i got to my final 2 years, i had this confidence that comes with being older in school and it was really nice. i love the routine we had and the forced structure school made you have in your life. i enjoyed mucking around with teachers and that feeling of starting assignments before they’re due. being at school was nice because i mostly kept to myself and was generally well-liked. so i had this big support system that got me through a lot. and school ending meant that the support i had also ended. and then i had nothing and nobody and went through so much and had to be alone for it all. the end of school coincided with the worst period of my life #2, probably because i was at home to experience a lot more.

#mine

0 notes

preslawsblog-blog · 5 years

Text

a short week

I know this is the first thing that i post after last Wednesday and i know that i said that i will keep posting stuff and work but although i didn't it doesn't mean that i didn't attempt to i guess it still counts as sth lets say half point. Basically i started writing the next day but i got interrupted so i saved all i had written in a draft so that next time i start writing i can keep it from where i was. Untill now all my posts were directly written in tumblr so excuse me if sth is not correct but im not doing this anymore probably. So after i got back to work and finnished my post i posted it and idk why but the only thing that appeared on my wall was the first draft that i saved and the rest was gone. Like two days after i wrote it all over again and even more it was like 1500 words and after i posted it it didn't appear on my wall and again all my work was lost idk why and what happened but i was feeling really bad... Basically today i will write all i had written on thise posts cause i remember most of it cause i already wrote it twice. So basically is is also the event of the last week. It was a change of my lifestyle so that i will study more and be more efficient at my studying. I said to myself that i will spend most of my time in the library and gonna go home only when i eat or sleep even i could take a lunch with me so at least i get used to trying to study. Basically i think it was a pretty positive change but honestly im not doing enough work for all the time i spend in the lib so im not efficient enough. I need to be more focused and i need to remove all the distractions. I also need to know what i am doing cause often i just open 5 different works and try to work on all of them and at the end im not doing anything so at least i know what i need to do and thats what think is so helpful about it. So basically last week on wednesday i wrote my latest post actually i think they were two so I just had that decision to lock myself in the librarry i called it the first day in the bunker and thats how i named my post that i never released. After the lecture i went out to kebab rush so that i take my lunch cause its really easy to get hungry while studying so i had a good lunch with my wriends. After that there was a guest lecture. A very famous and good graphic designes was here to explain some stuff to us. I forgot his name i wrote it down but lost it with my first post. So he was showing us his work and saying why it was good he shiwed us some of his ancient designs from the era before internet. They weren't anything special to me but i bare in mind that there was no internet and media back than so im capable to appreciate it. There were some interesting ideas if maps made for pedestrians on streets and airport things and stuff like that. I think that was insightful but only to kniw it in any case its always good to know where the things came from but honestly i dont think it was worthed. I did learned some stuff but it was really hard for me to focuse. Honestly the lecture was so boring. I sware i was the only one trying to pay attention. Everyone around me were sleeping or scrolling through the facebook news feed. The designer once gave example how somebody said to him to be quiet and said loudly "Shhhhh" And my friends got suddenly scared of that thinkin he says that to them cause they've been talking among them. Although they've been quiet the designes was also quiet and we all were sleepy and was so easy to fall asleep. My tutors didn't like the fact that there werent many people cause it wasn't mandatory and people just don't wanna go to this lectures cause they are straight boring. My tutors didn't stay till the end and probably they had some classes but idk i still think that they were just borred and i think that they just pretend to be interested just to give us the right example cause if they are not should we actually be. See people start to lose interest in these lectures cause they are all boring. Than after that frankly i just wanted to go home but i tryed to make the right decision and go to the library so that i can study. I didn't have my catalogue started. At least the work on computer. But i was having the idea so i didn't have to take time for plans. I started with the basics and that made the illustration... Damn that simple illustration took me soo long at least a few hours after that i was placing the different elements like date and place some text about the exhibition and such things. I couldnt finnish it. It was really hard fir me to concentrate and create interesting ideas the graphic design skills were missing i made everything quite basic. At least the folding was more more interesting so is not the wirst thing ever but i was having a bit more to finish it. I stayed in the lib from like 2 to 9 and than i came come made some food for dinner and for the next day cause i cant afford kebab rush every day i wanna study at the library after uni and also i can't wake up early enough so that i can have breakfast. The next day we were having crits and i woke up on time i wasn't really sleepy but it was raining a lot so i waited to stop and i was late with less than an hour but i got on tine for the crit session. I got some feedback on the catalogue i did the previous day. I also got to talk to Zornitsa. She was guest lately and halping us and giving us some feedback. I was lucky that she was bulgarian as well so we were talking to each other to more understandable language for me so i got mire insightfull feedback. For now i had changed the type cause of her advice and some other stuff. That was the work that we should have been doing while the others have been doing the gifs for the web site. Damn this site... Before i know that we gotta do coding it from scratch i thought that im actually having some chances to pass but niw man... I feel so fucked. Basically i hate coding. Everyone hates coding. And if i wanted to study coding i would sign up for programming cause its better paid that design. We are suppesed to learn to code for half a month and all the lessons we are having are once a week and we should also make the camplicate design of a site and code it that way so is not a simple cading and i had never done this. It sucks for me cause even for the lessons that we are having in uni im so far behind cause in the begining of the course i went to bulgaria for my concert and i was having a bit of a trouble there and missed the first few lessons and than when i was back i just couldn't catch up with the group. Everyone have been doing some crazy stuff and i didn't understand anything. Im also having a dislection and its not only hard for me to read huge amounts of text. Like books and stuff. Here theres no logic context and sentences. Heres signs like dots slashes and colins and stuff. All that so confusing to me end don't get me started on when i make a mistake and i have to find it where is... Is cool that when a code isn't working its says where is the mistake but it takes a lot of copying ant stuff like that. You know thats why i never corect my posts its so hard to find and correct all my mistakes cause i just can't see them. I know it sounds stupid but i guess theres sth wrong with me. Is not that bad im handling in normally but im concerned that i might not be able to pass the module cause if that soecific breaf. The problem is that i should be doing it on my own and all the things i borrow fro another weds i have to mention them so i was planning to save the skeleton of some simple site and than change it like the pics banners and words similar to mine i can at least try but even that is not allowed so im really worried and i aint got no idea what should i be doing maybe i can try doing it my way and than say that it was actually me the one who wrote it its at least possible to pass it like that and if not i cant imagine honestly starting from scrach it will take ages fir me to finnish it... I will focus now on the other stuff and leave it for latter cause at least i wanna get sth ready. So after the feedback from Zornitsa i was trying to be helpful to my group for the group project for the web site. I was just standing there for atendance and litterally loosing my time i couldn't understand shit that was happening and i was getting tired of doing nothing and honestly i soent way too much time there i don't think that my team actually needs me but ill be there to help if enything else. Eventually we've been working untill 4 or 5 o'clock and actually i was verry tired so altho this was the second day of the "locked in the bunker" Series i was feeling that we actually had done some work like for the day i was having enough feedback and we had done some parts of the group project on top of that i was quite sleepy and it was a real challenge fir me not to leave. So i came home and on the way back i spread some CVs so i can say that although i didn't go to the library today i had done enough work and was a quite productive day. Honestly i forgot what i was doing the rest of the day but i think that i went to bed a bit more late. Next morning i got up late again, had breakfast and than i played a game that we recently bought and im starting to get quite adicted so i played for a bit. I wanted to go letter to the library to go study so in order to avoid playing for hours that game and waste my day i put an alarm so that i know when is time to go. I went than to the librarry and i started writing in my blog basically rewriting this post. I was writing it for like an hour and half and than im almost sure that i posted it but.. Yeah i did post it but than i checked my profile to see how it looks like, and i didn't see it at first so i waited a bit. I refreshed the app a bit times rested my internet and i was feeling so bad... At least i know now to write it always on my NOTES app cause there everything i write is saved automatically. So basically i was trying to code my site cause there was no way fir me to start doing all this stuff all over again so i decided to change the topic cause for almost two hours of writing i was soo fed up and i mean... The way im writing is i just pick up my phone i concentrate and i start instantly writing everything that comes to my mind and is almost with no pauses, maybe only when i need to translate some words but apart from that i am constantly writing and i think that this is one of the little things that i can keep my atention to... maybe its because my phone is much smaller and i can controll where it is and keep my focus where it should be and for the computers in the library they are too big and it takes more of my peripheral sight and amont with it i see other distracting things and.. Idk its just much more easy for my phone to keep my atention instead of the PCs. The only thing thats holding me back from writing in my post is i guess the will to actually start writing its like i know that right now i might be free but i fill probably decude to do sth stupid in the next 10 min and i don't actually wanna spend an hour writing. Good ting would be to write befire i go to bed and orobably i could make this as a habit but right now its rather sth that i wanna do but i never do. So i spent the rest of the day trying to make the code for my site and i saw how hard it actually is to check all the codes and make them work property and i got kinda depressed about it cause honesty idk how im gonna pass it.. Basically untill now i was focusing more on my other stuff like the catalogue and the poster cause this is a thing that i still have to do and is the most denanding thing cause i need to be in track with the lectures so that im having propper feedback. And this is sth that i learned from the last semester that if i dont have corect feedback than i will have many incorect things and at least when im handing out my breafs i would have talked to my tutors and i would know what they are looking for to be done and i will have it done till then so if theres anything that i didn't do well i will know it cause they already told me. So thats for friday. Honestly i forgot what i was doing on saturday and sunday i know that one of the days i almost finnished my catalogue at least i made it look better i had my poster almost done basically i dont know what actually i should be doing on it anymore i took Zornitsas advice so i changed the type that i was using and than i repaired the little details. And about the catalogue i ictually folded it and i saw that i was having some technical issues so now i have to repair tham but it wont take too much time. On monday i was working no the modules from my last year and unfortunately on tuesday i couldn't attend on my lectures cause i was having a job interview finally.. It was about a work in a hotel on the road between Coventry and Birmingham. I was instructed to take the bust to go to one of the stops and than i should have been waiting for the hotel minibus that would take me to the hotel. So what happened. I went there an hour earlier so that im sure that everything is all right. Than when the time came i started to look for that car and i didnt see it. I called the hotel number but nobody picked up the phone. I kept looking for it than i saw it going the oposite direction without to stop. I was calling them again for like 20 min than a woman picked up the phone. I explained the situation and wanted from her to connect me with the man who sent me the invitation. In another 20 he called me. And told me that in an hour i will have to wait for another car. The point was that i was cold and my hands were blue yet from cold. But i needed that job so i waited for it. This time i instantly saw it and got there. It drove me to the hotel there i saw the man i was having conversation with before. He interviewed me, i think i did well but unfortunately i didn't have enough expirience and depending on the other peoples expirience he will write me in a week if i get the job. The think that worries me i that i lied in my cv that i used to work in a bar for a few months but honestly if i didnt write it i wouldn't be called anyway. He asked me some interesting questions and i got to answer all of them and than i got to talk to him so i tryed to convince him that im actually really good about that job. It was well done. Im really hoping to come up well for me. So than i went home but when i got to the bus station i got the bus the other way to Birmingham. I know... I just can't change. Ive always been like that and i swear im still trying... I got home at 6 it was a long travel. I didn't have time and energy to study so i had a dinner maybe played some game and went to bed and thats basically my last week. I think that it was quite busy and its much more productive than before. I hope that in the future ill get used to being more efficient and productive at what im doing.

0 notes

olusegundare · 5 years

Text

Sister Debbie and Brother Samson’s Story Continues

Sista Debbie says, "He asked me to read the letter".(June 22, 2013)

The key dat opens broda Samson's post office box has been on me 4 quite a while. The office duties have been overpowering in d past few days due 2 d adhoc assigned duty 4m headquarter... Post office Box (P.O. Box) and priv8 male bag (PMB) usage hav been on d downward trend since d advent of internet and increase telehone services. The introduction of social media has worsened d case lately, because fewer people, companies and or organisations maintained d ones dey are using, while d newly established firms, new graduates, new buz hardly open new P.O.Boxes/PMBs, bc internet n telephone have taken over greater percentage if not d whole means of sending and receiving messages.

It shal be interesting 4 our noting dat "mai" lord got his P.O.Box b4 he was retrenched...he howeva finds it difficult maintaining d box during d hard days, but, she has since paid all outstanding debts and d box is fully operational now. In d times past according 2 my love, d regional exam council do send results to students tru their post office boxes...those who r seeking admission often got their admission letas tru postal agencies...those who bought shares/share holders of varying company also get notices of their dividends, annual General Meeting (AGM) 2ru postal agencies, shares can be purchased there amongst oda things dat dey do then.

But now, teknologikal advancements have reduced dat 2 d bearest minimum. Several innovations are being moved by d management of d Island's Postal agencies, but yet, d estab is yet 2 be back on her feet as in d time past according 2 my love n ofcourse wat I can see 2 some degrees. A question keeps coming 2 my heart on d establishment lately n dat is how is d management coping with d payment of her staffs salaries? My love still maintained d post office bc he still receives letas 4m other Island's Radio Agencies, as he talks abt d Gospel thru prints, pp do respond 2 some of his messages in d prints tru letas asking questions etc.

The last sales boy he employed was picked 4 interview out of d four persons who vied 4 d post by sending in their application thru post office box few weeks ago.this is bc according 2 him, d students handwriting these days are horribly illegible...and worst more, laptops ect are not helping them in dis regards. Before I finished my weekend house chores, I hav soaked in water beans...by d time I finished d house chores, d beans is already soaked, soft n d coats can be easily removed...The coats can be removed by rubbing d soft soaked beans within d palms of d individual, or by d use of pestle n mortar and or by d use of ancient grinding stone.... I decided 2 use d 1st option 4 d removal of d beans' coats...

In no distant time I was thru with that n I grinded d beans on d ancient grinding stone... According 2 "mai" mum, d beans grinded using ancient grinding stone's increament in volume is usualy more dan those grinded using d grinding machine when d grinded beans is being doughed 2geda in a bowl using pestle... Having added oda things in2 d doughed bean paste, makin it a pot-pourrri, I took out d wrapping leaves, "ewé iran", and started to pour d pot-pourri beans paste into d leaves made into a funnel-like shape with d use of a small plastic cup... When I was tru dey were arranged in d pot containing boiling water placed on d kerosine stove... On d stove I prepared pap 4 him, bc he loves pap as early morning meal, "when d europeans drink tea, I will take pap", he usually say, a quote 4m d elders of d Island.

He also likes pap post-fastingly...So d 2 is combined 2geda in dis stance, because we r in d morning and again bc he has just finished a protracted fasting... The ended week has been a fasting week/period 4 him as he said he has been asking God 4 something 4 quite a while but d thing asked for is yet 2 manifest or materialize despite d arrays of spiritual promises he had received on d issue...and he feels, well, devil may afterwards be cheating him in hindering d physical manifestation of d answers 2 d requests as he did unto prophet Daniel... I also tried 2 support him in prayers and little fasting I can do, dis is bc my fasting ends @ 12:00 hours daily... When I was through with these, off to his shop was I...I got there around 10:30 hours the Island's time,...he has intimated me on facebook dat he shall prepare his intestine 4 d tantalizing food by eating some fruits ahead...

Cooking is one of my hobbies dat should suggest 2 u dat I prepared leafy bean cake 4 d sales boys n girls too...when I gave dem their, and took ours into d office, we settled down 2 d food,,,He added sugar and liquid milk in2 d warm pap as we dine 2geda, eating 4m d same bowl... Howeva, he barely touch d bean cake, as he said dat may negatively affect his intestine due 2 d protracted fasting...He howeva said dat in d afternoon he shal do justice 2 it... When we r thru wit d food, I told him dat I shal like 2 go 2 d post office 2 check if there are letters 4 us...He bid me farewell, dat I shouldnt take long... As I was opening d post office box, my phone rang, "who could dat be?" I thought...On romoving d fone 4m my bag, I discovered dat it is "mai" lord who is calling, I pressed d answering button, "Darling!" I said. "Are u there?" he asked

"Yes, I am. Just about 2 open d box", I replied. "Do we have any letter in d box?" He asked. "Yes we do sire", I replied. "That is good...I am presently out of d office", he said. "Where are you?" I asked. "At d bookshop which is about 5 poles away 4m my shop", he said. "Do u want me 2 come n meet u there when I am through here?" I asked. "Yes, that is why I called you", he said. "Alright "mai" lord and love, I will be with u soon", I said. "O.k. I shal be expecting", he said. The phone conversation ended...He was on sit when I got there...when I got to him, he stood up, pulling my left along and started talking. "I havent enter dis shop 4 once since it is opened for operations few months ago...I never knew there are christian materials here...I want u 2 see something", he enthused. When we get 2 d Christian section, there are different bibles there of varying sizes, types, color, languages, different christian literature books and other christian materials...

"When I see this pocket sized bible, i like it, do u like it?" He asked as he took d bible 4m d shelf. I took d bible 4m his hand n said, "Yes, d bible is beautiful, and portable, I like it". He took two copies, one for himself n the other for me,...bought some christian literature books ...paid @ d counter, as we strolled down to his shop...the weather is cool as d firmament has hidden the sun 4m d inhabitants of d Island dat day...dis cool weather may not be d experience @ other islands...dat is d work of God n it is marvelous in our eyes... As we were approaching my love's buz centre, one of d sales boyz saw us and ran 2 welcome us, he collected d nylon bag containing d bibles and literature books 4m my hand as well as my bag... "Welcome sire and ma", sales boy said as he bend his torso slightly forwards. "O sé jare", my love said..."Did anyone asks of me?" He queried. "To d best of my thinking faculties sire, nobody requested for your presence sire" sales boy replied.

"What do you said u have in literature in English in your O/Level result?" my love asked. "Very Good sire...perhaps few marks off the excellent grade sire", sales boy replied. "Yes. I remember. That is why u are answering me as a literature student but not as a science or commercial student will do", bro Samson said. "The compliment. The observation. In the record sire", sales boy again said. Broda Samson did not reply him again, but he pointed me 2 a bike rider who is doing some acrobatic displays on d highway... "Look @ that man sweetest one", he pat me using his right hand and used the index finger of his left hand to point me to d action...As I turned my head 2 look @ d direction, I cannot help myself 4m exclaiming, I moved near him, sunk my face on his right chest for fear, because I do not want 2 see what will become of the bike rider as he manouvered himself thru two trailers..."Ye!" I shouted. As i shouted other passersby, some drivers and bike riders also shouted...

"That is how they get themselves killed "tú-ẹ́" like a fowl. They endangered their lifes thru reckless showmanship while riding a bike", my love enthused. "Has he gone? Did he made it?" I asked my eyes still closed and face resting on his chest. "Yes he has. He is lucky now, but he may not be that lucky some other times", he said. "Thank God 4 dat", I said...and d strolling returned 2 normalcy...we entered d shop...straight into his office...I took d letters out of my bag and said "There are five letters in d box, one is from sista Òdájú to you; d 2nd one is from your friend, Mr and mrs Paul; the 3rd is d monthly Gospel letter; d 4th is from one of d Radio Voices 4m other Island and d last is for a sales boy". I concluded. "Please open the one from sista Òdájú and read it, because it is quite a while that I heard 4m her last", my love said. When I rescind my decision, and decide 2 start going out with broda Samson, not minding d consequencies, I remember dat he mentioned one

Sista Òdájú to me while he was talking about his pasts. He asked me for my past, and i told him I have no past, except some childhood and teenager experiences...He said those werent what he was asking for... He said dat sista Òdájú may have been d one occupying my position in his heart now, but he said it was as if d sista did not knew what she wanted in life...and he had 2 severe d relationship b4 d seed germinated...He also told me some other points, but do I really commit those words 2 heart? I tored off d sealing lid, removed d letter 4m d envelope, handing it 2 him, but he did not collect it 4m me, in the stead he said, "please read the contents out". It was not as if he is busy or doing something, I think he wants 2 make anoda scene out of dis too, so, I cleared my throat and said, "O.K. "mai" lorship sire...I start". "All ears am I "mai" love", he said. "No address on d letter, but she wrote a date, and d letter was written on d day dat the President of d land asked his party's chairman to resign"

"Alright. That is mostly recently", he said. "Dear Evangelist Samson, (this is because many people called my love evangelist and some pastor because of some of the exploits and positions he had occupied in the time past in some churches)..."the body of the letter is as thus "mai" lord, "I am quite happy for you that you found a beautifully loving lass after a very long wait. I tried 2 re-enter your 18 yard box after u have cleared my ball out of the danger zone years ago, but I find it verily difficult 2 re-enter your danger zone. "I thought it would be easy 4 me 2 do since u have once said you loved me,...but I discovered dat it was not easy @ all and I have 2 leave u...obviously thinking dat something shall bring us 2geda soon, but alas I erred, because it was few days afterwards dat I heard dat sista Debbie and u have started going out...I at 1st thought she wont measure up to your spiritual stance bc she was naive in love matters and other issues of life and particularly true was d fact dat she was my junior in the secondary school, and by age she isnt as old as I am needless to add that she is spiritually junior to me.

"But lo and behold my thought of u not gettin on 2geda with her was proved wrong by her gluing 2 u in all things...she indeed has make u her father...yea more than a father, I think a person like her is whom you need considering all u have passed thru in life. "Although, I was unable 2 know many of the harrowing experiences u passed thru in life but your letter 2 me when I first asked you 2 be my lover clearly showed dat your eyes have seen many things. "Well b4 I asked u 2 be my lover, when your buz was yet to pick up in the Island had I been madly in love with u, but d cultural teachings prevented me 4m coming out 2 u. When I started growing frail chiefly bc of the thought of your becoming my sweetheart, I decided 2 write u a love letter, asking you of your hand in love. "Despite d fact dat I loved u, hoped and prayed u will answer in d affirmative, I yet doubted it...but 2 my chagrin your reply was a blessing 2 my humble heart, when u said we shd get d ball rolling dat we shd start dating....Your reply brought me relief, my heart returned 2 normal rhythm as well as my frailing health returning 2 normalcy.

"However, when I discussed d issue with some friends and elederly ones, they counselled me against going out with u, saying "I have sold myself cheaply to you". When I heard dis, dat was when I started playing hanky-panky with u, trying 2 tell u and show u dat my earlier letter 2 u was an error in d 1st instance...my calculations according to their counsels were that assuming u were in love with me u shal start disturbing me...while I keep going into the secret...but d table was turned against me...for it was me who later kept searching 4 u...I sought deeply and endlessly for u until it became obvious to me that I have lost you when sista Debbie came into your life.

"Whenever I remembered d mistake I made in divulging what happened 2 my friends I continue 2 blame myself..bc assuming we have been going out, who shall know whether it is I who 1st made d intention of love known to u or it is you who 1st do? Nobody asks of that...and even if they know what does it matter when we have gotten a stable home and family? Are they going to live under the same roof with us? "My gullibility in male-female relationship showed when I interracted with elder and deaconess Mordechai, the deaconess told me dat when they were in College of Education dat she was d one who actually proposed 2 Elder Mordechai. She said Elder Mordechai was extremely brilliant while she was an average student... "Being an average student she said she did not want 2 lose him and also dat she planned furthering her education after d NCE and thence she called off the cultural and other beliefs by approaching the young man then. "She said d man agreed and they started d dating from NCE II, fashioning out how their life and future shall be.

"According to her, they got married during their midsemester break in 400Level in the University of d Island, having courted for five years plus...and today, who could decipher who 1st made d move among them in the presence of true love? Who amongst our people even have such a remarkable love in display as they are? "After I heard their story, my heart was moved 2 d past, but, well u have gotten a love-bird. "Do not forget to pray 4 me as an evangelist so dat I see somebody soon, because I am yet single and not engaged. "Do pray that sister Debbie gives you twins, triplets and quardruplets when you tie the know...I know u are a man of prayer but I yet pray 4 you that all eyes monitoring your love life, your relationship for evil go blind in Jesus name. Amen. I also pray dat your buz and ministry grow in Jesus name. Amen. "My warmest regards to sister Debbie and others. "Have a tantalizing day. "Yours sincerely, "Miss Òdájú." "The letter ends sire", I said.

"Yes, I know, I heard you". My love said. "But why didnt you invite her to a talk when she was playing "hanky-panky"?" I asked. "Did I press u any further when you said "nope"?" He said. "No you did not. But i think hers is different 4m dis presentation since she was the one who bell the cat. I think u shd have asked 2 know why she suddenly put up a volte-faced actions", I said. "Well, I guess I have discussed dis issue with u...", my love said. "It is obvious that I have forgotten "mai" lord sire", I said. "Then I have forgotten d past issues also. I neither wish nor want 2 remember such experiences again", he said. "But do you think you can?" I asked. "Well with you, I can, I know i have, for when last did u hear me talking about those issues?" He asked. "I know u do not talk of those harrowing pasts, but I want 2 know dis one now", I said. "Those pasts, I want dem in d past, so dat I move forward so dat I have free and freer mind to interract with people", he said. "O.K", I replied. It is obvious that he doesnt want 2 talk about the issue, let me leave it...he interupted my thought when he said, "But, I actually called her, phoned her, texted her repeatedly then, but she kept on giving me excuses, filmsy ones for the inability 2 see me, then one day I speak 2 myself dat dis lady is playing on my intelligence, she thought I am growing young...that was when I called it quit and decided on d way forward for my life marritally" he enthused. "Well, I thank God dat I am where I am today, beside "mai" love and lord", I said. "Please which other letter is there that needs urgent attention", he asked. "None "mai" lord", I replied....

SOME HARD WORDS’ MEANINGS

*Sista Debbie says, "He asked me to read the letter".(June 22, 2013)

2 d (translation to the)

priv8 (translation private)

"ewé iran", (translation leaf of big breadth in our land)

"tú-ẹ́" (translation suddenly as if they are not humans, as if they do not possess spirit)

0 notes

haeroniel-doliet · 6 years

Text

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more.

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya.

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else.

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah.

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds.... ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other.

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks)

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!) anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until. yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...) ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess)

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade.

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh.

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.)

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me) but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that....

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that.

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it- idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk.

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first) i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” )

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it.

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is?

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.

#tf when youre your own therapist #hah yeah thanks tumblr for being my digital diary #cringey enough and private enough it may as well never be read by anyone #but still if some crazy dumbass read it all theyd know me all too god damn well #but its not like...anyone ive mentioned will ever fucking read it. even consider to #aka #if you stumble past this #i guess you can assume its not abt you #ugh #this didnt even help that much #time to try option c #ignore everything and numb it with some rad youtbe videos for another 4 hrs and crash asleep at 5 am and everything continues to be bad #but like bad tomorrow #sorry this was a vent post #a very long one over 6000 words #i am SO sorry if youre on mobile and the readmore didnt work

0 notes

itesfashion · 6 years

Text

Low-priced Essays For College or university and Scholar Individuals. Obtain Personalized Market Homework Records. Get most beneficial essays to purchase (written and published from the beginning)

Low-priced Essays For College or university and Scholar Individuals.creatvie writing Obtain Personalized Market Homework Records. Get most beneficial essays to purchase (written and published from the beginning)

You could have learned about it. Surprisingly, its becoming a lot more well-known for teenagers such as you young children that come to feel top custom writing service weighed down, underappreciated and underrepresented during the open public classes product to obtain essays from internet resources custom resume writing service. Formerly, this idea was pretty taboo. Plenty of people considered that individuals investing in essays were definitely purely slow-moving or shady. There is practically nothing deeper out of the simple fact. These young people were being drowning in operate excess with educator, mother and father and friends spinning a sightless focus in their agony. They happened to run to on line formulating expert services for salvation, and chances are, youve experienced similar vessel. On-line producing assistance stored a large number of children from educational downfalls and ready them to get a nicer forthcoming, unmarred by terrible levels.

Affordable essay documents are just about difficult to search for

In this article was usually the one disadvantage in on the net composing expertise, nonetheless. These folks were really expensive custom-writing.org customer service. Inexpensive essay documents were actually basically very unlikely to locate, mainly because the freelance writers custom college essay writing service that constructed them desired a great deal of payment. Learners extremely cant afford to pay just about anything under a low cost essay. They arent full time employees. Theyre college students with practically no revenue, and composing expertise werent using that into consideration. Now, having said that, there exists just one organization which gives good quality, not to mention affordable essays: posting expertise from MyCustomEssay.com. Were being the newest, imaginative organization with this generating, and custom essay writing service toronto had been getting internet composing expertise with a complete other quality.

We provide you with cheaper essays, formulating from experts

At MyCustomEssay.com, this site offers affordable essays, publishing from pros, 100 % free changes, speedy shipping and delivery a whole bunch more. Weve consumed the primarily awesome understanding of on the internet producing professional custom writing service uk services and managed to get far better. By eventually presenting pupils the capability to get a low-cost essay that also upholds premium quality, ended up contacting far more attempting university students. The forerunners of web based posting assistance is extremely pleased. Weve created these types of services more available and open to young people with bit of hard work. Need to have a low priced essay? Just call us!

It might seem like just expressions artistry and track record lecturers designate essays, but also in present day instructional environment, including the mathematics and business custom writing service usa economics school teachers allocate essays and researching records, at the same time. This could be notably bothersome for college kids that have power with volumes, and not with text. For people who have been specified an fiscal evaluation report therefore you fear formulating it, theprofessional essay writersat MyCustomEssay.com can create a higher-superior quality report created how you want to buy written and published inside the timeline you need.

Explore Newspaper Crafting Individuals

Crafting an economical report generally is a hard activity on account custom thesis writing service of the examination and incorporation of figures. Our expert authors at MyCustomEssay.com will art a creative explore document completely from scratch that would meet best custom writing services .com the criteria on your task. It will be easy to consider your own personal blogger once we offer you a group of authors who understand publishing financial investigation written documents. Once you discover a creator you certainly like, you can actually revisit and ask for that publisher when you find yourself issued much more essays.

Different and Plagiarism-Zero cost Paperwork

In addition our freelance writers create completely exceptional essays with the needed documents and bibliography do the job, but we offer that we all will offer your market investigation cardstock by the due date for your acquire current email address. You simply will not need to panic about custom dissertation writing services your econ document showing up internet and your professor or music teacher will struggle to pick the essay with any plagiarism best custom writing service checker.

Developed in order to meet Your Output deadlines

Our freelance writers importance your output deadlines and so they try to encounter virtually every due date, however tightly fitted it is actually. We will even publish reports the time you e mail us when using the require. Each individual investigation newspaper might be adjusted if for example the best custom writing service reviews to begin with write will not suit your needs. Just tell us what exactly you need and therefore we will make an effort to finish the job towards your project criteria.

Communicating and Faith

We realize you will want to have the ability let us know whenever you want of evening. Our consumer support work group is opened 24/7 for your benefit. Our freelance writers can also be found when you want to talk about the task with their company. Our Natural British discussing authors could be got to by means of email message so you realize your market custom writing service.com tasks will probably be conducted which enables you to upload the project with certainty.

Whenever your monetary professor assigns financial system investigate reports, make use of us at MyCustomEssay.com precisely where we offer to art good quality paperwork that can encounter your preferences whenever.

Appear 1! Arrive all! Thinking of sick and tired with dreary, recurrent duties hurting you moment in and day trip? Do your instructors appear to love heaping stacks of tedious training with your back best custom writing services? Are you presently hidden according to mountain range of incomplete projects presently earlier scheduled? Educational background is drowning the resides of countless scholars with improbable educational goals also as an mind-boggling degree of agreements. Do you have sensed this newly released sting and faculty force? For people with, it is time to get the answer: and also option would be MyCustomEssay.com.

Expression newspapers on sale of top cheap custom writing services quality

Youve more than likely in no way thought to be it prior to rarely even think it is conceivable however its genuine! MyCustomEssay.com can be a trusted,efficient authoring company sitethat provides an impressive offer to anxious trainees. The sale? We promote essays available for purchase on any subject matter on the custom essay writing service reviews school levels, all with a reduced, good deal. This isnt a tip, and also it obviously isnt a gimmick (nothing like our misleading competitor businesses). Giving essays to purchase is MyCustomEssay.com technique of granting back in an unappreciated pupil area. Why must pupils undertake every one of the problems of those unfounded duties? Why they get no remedy, even if they have reasonable advantages of an lack of ability to entire perform? It simply isnt acceptable and that is why have been having a substantial essay sales for all custom essay writing service uk our new and coming back user!

Exclusive essays that you can buy and do not sold again

Our costs are now under ever before with a centered efforts to receive help even more individuals, more rapidly. Weve also selected on more authors all natural English language loudspeakers with advanced schooling levels to battle any additional work load. Are you feeling experiencing duties that appear too hard a lot to be able to manage? Is now our essay final sale, so its a good time to test out our custom speech writing services professional services. Youll acquire safe sustain and clever guidance all around just about every place with MyCustomEssay.com. Maybe the customer support repetitions that feedback your essay that you can buy are experienced, and could response practically almost any queries about the companys policy and operations. As well as, your publisher (that you can fretting hand pick once you acquire custom writing service review an essay available) will continue to be in close up experience of you all through the authoring practice. You can easily deliver feedback, evaluate the done give good results and request for a complimentary revision when the essay is certainly not around your expectations. Whilst MyCustomEssay.com continually gives this outstanding system, the cost might not exactly adhere all around once and for all! Purchase required essays from MyCustomEssay free custom essay writing service.com currently, to make sure you get top of the line for your least expensive attainable total price.

The post Low-priced Essays For College or university and Scholar Individuals. Obtain Personalized Market Homework Records. Get most beneficial essays to purchase (written and published from the beginning) appeared first on Guest Blogging Platform for Jewelry & Fashion.

from Blog – Guest Blogging Platform for Jewelry & Fashion http://ift.tt/2nOo1Mg via IFTTT from Untitled http://ift.tt/2E7F5b3 via IFTTT from Ladies Fashion http://ift.tt/2E7N2sT via IFTTT

#Ladies Fashion

0 notes

ralphmorgan-blog1 · 7 years

Text

Facebook launches Watch tab of original video shows

Facebook has a new home for original video content produced exclusively for it by partners, who will earn 55 percent of ad break revenue while Facebook keeps 45 percent. The Watch tab and several dozen original shows will start rolling out to a small group of U.S. users tomorrow on mobile, desktop and Facebooks TV apps.

By hosting original programming, Facebook could boost ad revenue and give people a reason to frequently return to the News Feed for content they cant get anywhere else.

Watch features personalized recommendations of live and recorded shows to watch, plus categories like Most Talked About, Whats Making People Laugh and Shows Your Friends Are Watching. Publishers can also share their shows to the News Feed to help people discover them. A Watchlist feature lets you subscribe to updates on new episodes of your favorite shows. Fans can connect with each other and creators through a new feature that links shows to Groups.

Facebook says it plans to roll out access to Watch to more users and more content creators soon, starting with the rest of the U.S. before expanding internationally. Users with access will see a TV-shaped Watch button in the bottom navigation bar of Facebooks main app that opens the new video hub.

Facebook admits that weve also funded some shows as examples, but notes that these are only a small percentage of all the available shows. We want any publisher/creator who is interested to be able to create a show in the future, a Facebook spokesperson tells me. So there will be hundreds of shows at launch, and well hopefully scale to thousands.

Business Insider reported some leaked details about the redesign earlier today, but pegged the launch of original programming as starting August 28th, when the shows actually will begin to roll out tomorrow.

What Facebooks First Shows Look Like

Facebooks shows will run the gamut from live event coverage to reality TV to scripted programs. More and more people are coming to Facebook in order to watch video Facebooks director of video product Daniel Danker tells me. When they come with that in mind, we want to make a place for them where they can find that video, connect with the creators and publishers they love, and know they wont miss out if theres a new episode from one of those creators.

Heres a list of some of the original programming that will be available on Watch:

Tastemades Kitchen Little This cooking show sees kids watch a how-to recipe video, then instruct a pro chef how to make the dish with comedic results

Major League Baseball The MLB will broadcast one game a week live on Facebook

Major League Baseball 12:25Live A comedic look at baseball with help from the fans

Mike Rowe Rowe finds people whove done great things for their community and gives them a special experience in return

Nas Daily Vlogger Nas (Correction: Not the rapper) makes videos with his biggest friends each day

Gabby Bernstein Motivational speaker and author answers fans life questions in live and recorded segments

A&Es Bae or Bail: Reality TV game show where couples face their fears and see who runs

All Def Digitals Inside the Office A look inside the office life at Russel Simmons hip-hop media empire

BillboardsHow it Went Down A documentary series of musicians sharing crazy stories

David Lopezs My Social Media Life A reality show about the social media stars life

Golden State Warriors Championship Rewind A behind-the-scenes look at the Bay Areas NBA championship 2016-2017 season

Univision DeportesLiga MX Live coverage of LigaMX soccer matches

National GeographicsWere Wired that Way: Mini-documentaries about weird quirks of humanity like songs you cant get out of your head

Nat Geo WILDs Safari Live Watch live safaris led by National Geographics guides

NASAs Science @ NASA Explore science topics in quick four to five-minute episodes

NBAs WNBA All-Access A behind the scenes show with womens basketball stars

The Dodos Comeback Kids: Animal Edition features determined animals facing difficult conditions or challenges meet people who refuse to give up on them.

Tommy Mac A master woodworker gives live tutorials on how to make furniture

Whats clearly absent is the type of longer-form scripted dramas and comedies people are used to watching on television. Instead, there are plenty of mini-documentaries, reality shows, and sports coverage.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg writes that We believe its possible to rethink a lot of experiences through the lens of building community including watching video. Watching a show doesnt have to be passive . . .Youll be able to chat and connect with people during an episode, and join groups with people who like the same shows afterwards to build community.

When you open Watch, youll be able to scroll through a long list of categories of shows to view. Alternatively, you can either swipe over or arrive from a notification about a new episode to view the Watchlist of all the lastest shows released by creators you follow. Once youve opened an episode youll see all the details about it, with one tab for joining a live comment reel with other viewers, and an Up Next tab displaying what youll view after the current episode if you prefer a glazed-eyes lean-back experience.

Theres no specific content restrictions on swearing or violence beyond Facebooks existing community standards, but Facebook will monitor for shows that get flagged.

Publishers can choose to insert ad breaks if they want to earn money off their shows, though the guidelines on where and how long they can be are still being finalized. If publishers want to give away their content, they dont have to show ads. Another option is to do product placed or branded content, in which case the creator has to tag the sponsor paying them for transparency. Shows will have their own dedicated Facebook Pages, and creators can set up special show Groups where fans can ask questions and geek out together.

Beyond the Watch tab, you can also discover shows through the News Feed if a publisher you follow posts an episode or friends are talking about it. That gives Facebook the opportunity to artificially boost the presence of shows in News Feed to build a bigger audience for the new content initiative.

Evolving From Spontaneous To Deliberate Viewing

Facebook first launched its dedicated video tab in April 2016, but it only hosted the more generic News Feed videos people were already seeing from Pages and friends. Now Facebook is in the business of funding original content, initially through direct payments, though it seeks to switch entirely to a revenue-share model in the future to make its original programming effort sustainable.

Facebooks competitors like YouTube and Snapchat have already experimented with creating original video content. YouTube Red funds several original series, giving bigger production budgets to some of its biggest stars. Snapchat has tried making its own shows in-house, but now focuses on signing deals with partners like TV studios to get fresh, vertical video content into its Discover section.

Facebooks benefit is that Watch is cross-platform, allowing people to view videos from all their devices, while also being a daily destination for 1.32 billion users. Its already become a powerhouse in serendipitous video discovery via the News Feed, and Watch will surely provide enough suggestions to get people hooked on shows they werent expecting.

But through premium original programming, Facebook is also trying to become a home for deliberate video consumption where people come to view a specific show. While there are already plenty of reasons to visit Facebook, original shows give people a reason to spend longer staring at their screens. If it can drive enough viewers to these shows thanks to its 2 billion total users, Facebook could offer significant revenue-share payouts, attracting better and better content creators.

Facebooks been trying to eat the whole internet for years now. With Watch and these shows, its breaking out of the web to challenge traditional television, which is seeing viewership slide. As ad spends follow eyeballs from TV to the web, Watch could give Facebook a way to net more attention and dollars.