#living like this is wrong. forcing me to live is wrong. i dont want this life anymore

[hauntedwoman]

as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult

#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it #but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault #she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month #the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa #rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month #so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent #and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work #and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live #she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill #every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything #personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care #ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d #not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to #texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either #but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility #but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to #and im over it #so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die

[opens-up-4-nobody]

Me, decorating my room: ...should I get a naruto poster?

Also me: If I search for naruto posters... they'll all make me angry in a way that's fucking unhinged

#and i was right. of course i was right. i wanna spit and bite #thry focus on the wrong things. why cant they just read my mind and make exactly what i specifically want? #why the fuck woukd i want an itachi poster??? i want a fucked up chakra tree sapping the people of their life force #i want naruto standing strong when everyones trying to tear him down. i want kushina telling naruto how much she loves him before she dies #i want iruka taking care of naruto when everyone else has turned their backs. but those make for bummer fucking posters #and i dont wanna hang my own art on my walls. maybe i need to go to an anime con. but i still feel like the artists would focus on the wron #things. ugh. i am become a naruto elitist. i just have too many feelings abt naruto >:-[ #also. i live in the middle of nowhere in the mountains now so like i dont thibk ill b going to any cons. #also moving across the country is fucking exhausting and idk when ill have time to properly draw yet #naruto ramblings #is it too much to ask for everyone to interpret naruto like i do? in opposition of the writer?? is it me who's out of touch??? #no. its the people who are wrong. lol me and my fucking naruto feels

[valpuduzz]

im so sorry to my mutuals i promise i dont wanna vent in here all the time because i know it can be extremely exhausting to be around such negativity and i do wanna make more funny posts but shit keeps happening and venting about it in the tags is sorta comforting in a way

#the meowing of a cat 🐱 #anyways. it is 5am and i cannot sleep because im not tired and also because i fucking hate myself #i wanna isolate myself from everyone #i really do #i really really really do. but i cant and i wont. dont worry. #actually i think i just wanna isolate myself from my crush because it's the only way i know the feelings will go away #but i cant #and i dont want to #YES IM VENTING ABOUT MY CRUSH AGAIN. I HATE IT TOO OKAY #im such a fucking incel and i hate it i hate it #im literally mister nice guy redditor #because i have so much love to give and i hate the fact he will never reciprocate. he doesnt even see me as a close enough friend #i just want to tell him how much i love him but i cant because i told him once and you cant confess again #that's not how that works #please why cant i accept he doesnt like me back why cant i accept it i just want to accept it #i want to let go i want to let go i want to let go but i cant i fucking cant and i hate it #please please please i just want to learn to live with the fact he wont and never will love me back #but i fucking cant. ive tried fucking everything. ive tried so fucking hard. and i always come back loving him more #wish i could punch my brain and my heart repeatedly. i just want to accept this that's all i fucking want #but i cant. and i overthink so hard i overthink every interaction i have with him #i want to let him know i love him but i dont wanna be a creep. he probably already thinks im a creep #but ofc he's so sweet he will never let me know that #i cant sleep and my leg hurts and my finger hurts and im shaking #i just. i really want to tell him the amount of love i have for him. but i cant anymore #he has been done wrong by many people. i wish i could give him my love. but i cant force someone to love me #god im such a Nice Guy incel.... i hate it #dont get me wrong he makes me so fucking happy. it's just the fact that i know he will never love me #and how i will never get to show my love for him fucks me up #i want to show him so badly but the love for him i hold is so overwhelming i cant possibly do that without being seen as a creep #please i just want to let go i want to accept it i want to accept he will NEVER fucking love me but i cant

[rosykims]

i love being an obnoxious contrarian when it comes to some of these characters bc once again i know the story wants me to hate bobby as a flat cookie cutter antagonist but i just cant im sorry ! theyre a girlboss what else do you want from them!

#oc: triss #i mean dont get me wrong i dont LIKE them especially after the book 2 kiss scene but like #idk..triss is still friendly with bobby. he was her friend prior to them dating and she knew what she was getting into w him #and also her joining the police force was a last ditch option for her after being forced to return to wayhaven #when she was living in the big city she hated cops and was 10000% pro bobby hounding them and dragging their name thru the dirt lol !!!!!! #especially being a private detective. she was like im doing double the work withnone of the benefits or recognition. embellish harder babe! #and obviously just. wanting to be honest with people because people were never honest with her #she thinks the agency is stupid as fuck for keeping the whole supernatural revelation a secret lol. like thats not gonna backfire..... #tay plays twc #twc book 3 #twc book 3 spoilers

[swervestrickland]

you ever cry because a calculator just told you that with the job you want to have, you still won’t be able to afford having kids? no? just me then

#no i do not need a reality check i just need my idealistic head in the clouds and my sheer force of will #look i think i would fuck a child up in the head actually so i dont actually think it's right for me to have a child #but my god. what else is there #i know it's wrong to think this way but i spend so much time worrying about death #and my non existence #that i really just think that if i had a kid maybe i could settle my mind a little #have something else to think about #and be settled in the sense that. a part of me will live on maybe #and yet at the same time. how could i bring them into this fucked up world? #i dont know man it really fucking hurts #just want someone that will love me is all i guess #but then again even that won't last if im a piece of shit mom #or even if im a good one. even #kids just Be like that ya know? #idk man my brain hurts #just tired of feeling so alone

[sick-as-a-dog]

×

#just the thought of him not loving me the same way and amount i love him makes me want to slice myself up #ill only stop cutting when i cant feel anything anymore not pain not love just emptiness #just want to be with master but dont want to make him stressed out because im too dependent and reliant on him #why cant i just feel my emotions the right way or a normal amount or at least less strong? why am i like this? #why cant i love like a human and why must that shit be so complicated? why am i so feralminded? #and why cant i feel my loves separately? should i even? or am i not understanding it right? why do i feel everything wrong? #why must i love him like a wild animal loves its lifelong mate? but also like how that animal loves the taste of prey and hungers for it? #like a dog loves its master and feels the unending loyalty and unconditional love overtake remaining wolflike instinct #like a best friend i also wish to do stereotypical romantic and domestic things with and so much more #i want to be bound to him in any way possible marriage and collars and microchips and blood pacts and marking and such #but im so scared he wont want that anymore i want to stop feeling i need to completely stop feeling and worrying but i cant #even when im emotionally numb i still feel that canine love for him even if just a glimmer #i wish i knew what he thinks love is and what hes comfortable with and how he felt and experienced love and if he still loves me like #he did before he came out as aro....im scared to bring up how calling himself aro and me his exception actually hurts and idk if i should #tbh him saying hes aro yet says he loves me feels like when a close friend keeps saying they dont have any friends while youre right there #like my existence makes his identity a lie or a betrayal to him i cant shake the gross feeling that hes forcing himself to stay for my sake #....hell am i even his exception anymore? what did he mean by same amount but not the same? what changed? did anything actually change? #wish i could figure out what love is and how to feel it right..esp dont understand romantic or queerplatonic or anything its all confusing #i want to take on the world with him and stop being an emotional wreck so we can fuck anyone together like we swore to #i just want to live the rest of my life by his side and i want to experience all we can together #picnics and movies and living together and sharing a nest and....idk i just want to be with him forever and hope he still feels the same #it would literally kill me if he ever left or fell out of love i think i would lose whats left of my mind and end up bleeding myself dry #i want us to be together forever and never ever stop being mates but i cant help but be terrified and confused and hurt

[zenyuumi]

I hate it here

#vent tag #i just want to have PRIVACY #i just took a bath and got all excited bc ''yay no ones in the bedroom rn and that means i can dress in peace ^_^'' #boy was i fucking wrong . the second i stepped into my room my grandma followed after me because she wanted to use the charger??? #the charger that we had in OUR room???? #this bitch does not give 2 shits about our privacy. she will come in like its nothing WHILE IM CHANGING #i tell her im uncomfortable and she just tells me im being too sensitive like?? is it sensitive to NOT WANT PEOPLE TO SEE YOU WITHOUT #CLOTHES ON??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME #I DO NOT CARE IF WE ARE FAMILY YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE IN MY OWN HOME #PLEASE JUST LEAVE W THE CHARGER IF ITS WHAT YOU WANT #i was so happy abt being alone too bc it barely ever happens that i get to dress up in peace #even if i lock the door... they'll just either force it open with a key or bang on the door till i respond #i dont want to live w these people anymore man. #im getting my own room soon but i can alr imagine them doing the same thing anyway #please just leave me alone im not 8 anymore PLEASE #AND STOP USING THE ARGUMENT THAT YOU USED TO BATHE ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG!!! Im not a toddler anymore #and i get uncomfortable now #+ the fact that my grandma often comments on how chubby i am #i cant trust her anymore #im sorry if it seems like im whining like a child abt this im just in a bad mood rn :( it'll be fixed in a bit

[niishi]

Zoro: *doesn't want to be perceived*

The fan base: *poking him with sticks* have an emotional breakdown already. Why'd he stop moving *shakes the box vigorously*

#i make connects with certain behaviors #and i genuinely will not be friends w ppl like this #what a scary way to interpret a character like zoro #this is exactly what ppl irl do to me and if i dont perform for them #they will turn on me and force me into situations that i dont like #when im completely emotionally vulnerable and honest and open #they just dont want me to have healthy coping mechanisms or to know how to live abd cope with reality #they cant do it so they have to torture people who can bc theyre envious #or dont understand how someone can have a healthy relationship with their traumas and emotions #they need you to reverse your progress and healthy perception to be more like them bc they refuse to empathize w anything different #you either conform to them and how their comfort works #or there must be something wrong with you

[sapphic-woes]

Can someone please explain to me if this new editing team making changes or smth whatever the fuck for Ubisoft is a good thing or not

#CUZ LIKE IM SALTY #look. look. all i want is to play as a woman #i am so so sooooooo simple #like no one talks abt evie BUT I LIVED EVIE OK. #no one talks abt aya and i didnt care for Aya but its ok cuz Bayek was just that good ngl #KASSANDRA I MEAN MUST I SAY MORE #EIVOR DO I EVEN HAVE TO MENTION #what im saying is #just gimme a woman to move #gimme a woman to force to run and circles and make my roomie mad when i play cuz she gets motion sickness #plz plz #like plz plz #like pl– #jesus literally ill deal with odysseys bs pf making it IMPOSSIBLE to play the main quest only #ill deal eith mmm i forget what i didnt like aby Valhalla other than that joke of an ending lmao #no rlly like how does it end but not rlly end it just kinda fades out like oh soma is dead oopsie ahaaaaaa.... #thats it u cant lie and tell me the end actually felt like an end #but anyways #ILL TAKE THAT. ILL TAKE JACOB KINDA BEING ???? COMPARED TO EVIE CUZ THE MAN JUST??? DOESNT ASSASSIN??? #WHICH I LUV DONT GET ME WRONG #FUCK IF ELISE WAS PLAYABLE YK HOW MUCH I WOULD HAVE LOST MY SHIT #just GIMME A WOMANNNNNN #anyways tgats my ac rant also i have to reply origins one day but yea ummmmm aya wasnt likeable :/ srry #they did her dirty and made her parts like so annoying u didnt want to play her even when u got the chance #at least for me #qnd i vaguely remeber that she technically killed the guy who got the son killed?? #which i was like ??? shouldn't bayek?? #i thought like aya was able to move on more than bayek so it was kinda crucial to bayeks growth that he got that kill but i digress #i barely remember origins #might be wrong

[karmanticmoved]

i feel so weird about. Friendships. like I enjoy having friends and I love my friends but also when it comes down to it i don't really have many friends and everyone else has other people they're closer to so it's . Yk. just me n my cat

#i like being alone but also i hate it. relationships stress me out so i feel relief from being alone #but at the same time it makes me want to break down #realizing this is once again another issue so kindly given to me by my ex. #literally forced me to stop talking to almost all of my friends. made me talk to him only like literally 24/7 #and now i . im just here. idk. it feels wrong to be alone but i dont want to be around anyone else. i just want to go live in the mountains #and never speak to anykne ever agajn ever #WOAW. thats crazy im having a crisis. ill delete this if i can remenber to lol #vent

[angelicmemo]

My life is quiet. Why do I still feel this?

#nothing is HAPPENING to make me anxious #if anything the few things i do have going on are good ones #im not overworked or going through some big life event or whatever im just existing and doing it Wrong #im not in a fight or struggling in any real way #but its like my brain is constantly vibrating out of my head #im shaky and stuttery and its been POINTED OUT that i seem off #but i dont know what it is #i dont know how to exist in a calm no pressure environment and its ruining me #ive almost broken video game controllers with the force it takes me to hold them and play without Being Weird ive ripped napkins and recipts #literally into shreds without realising im doing it #im so concious of my body and of physically existing within a space #nothing is wrong but i am so overwhelmingly anxious all the time i just cant seem to stop it #maybe i need to up my meds #but that feels so stupid and temporary like what am i meant to say #oh hi doctors nothing has happened but i feel like a pathetic shaking dog can you help me #i WANT to be around people #i want to play games and talk and watch things and feel comfortable in other peoples prescence without having to entertain them and i get SO #many chances and oppurtunities too like !!! i live with my best friends! this should be perfect! but i still cant do it #they reassure me literally constantly but my brain and anxiety just spins around in circles and then i talk about how im sorry this happens #so much that i feel that i should stop saying things because theyve heard this all before #and then they reassure me about THAT and then it happens again and again and again because my stupid brain just wont shut up #their experiance of me gets lessened and dimmer every time i dont do it right and eventually theyre going to wonder why they even keep me #around #again nothing has HAPPENED #theres not a big event or trauma to talk through im just existing in the world and it is so uncomfortable for me #i hate it i hate it i hate it #personal #tw/ negative thoughts

[controlled-haterade]

look, again, maybe im just drinking too much haterade but like yeah I can acknowledge the things I have to be grateful for like Alex & my cat & my car but like in the grand scheme of things???

#we had to put down my favourite dog this year #and he was the youngest #my dad decided to move to the opposite side of the next country over #and chose to leave approximately 6 hours before i finished my move back home after being gone for 7 years #my grandparents seem to think he can do no wrong #my grandma is practically ghosting me?? #I'm getting guilt tripped for not visiting my family more when its over an hour drive away and im always expected to make the drive? #i dont have a fucking job people #and i found out that if i want to work in the industry ive spent the last 5 years in i have to basically restart from the bottom #like yeah yeah you're looking at all the negative but idk man #what sort of fuckin positive comes from any of this shit #oh not to mention i got covid twice because the so called community we're forced to live in couldn't actually give a shit if we die

[parasiticallamb]

i wish i had a choice. i wish i could rot. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. i dont want to be alive. why cant it ever be my choice

#i dont want to live if i cant choose to stop #there is nothing more of me left of me for me to offer i am unkind and unholy and rotten #and ive bitten so many so few stick around to say otherwise #im stuck. stuck in a body i didnt ask for with people no longer beholden to me #if it were just me in my body i would have killed myself by now as a kindness #there is nothing kind about me staying alive. this is a cruelty. my death would be a gift and yet its refused #they would move on. already i know i will not stay in their hearts not kindly not fondly #ive left a horrible imprint on the world. nothing but harm #i dont want to hurt anyone anymore but my teeth are sharp and my claws forever out #it would be better then to rip it all out and leave myself to bleed from my filthy mouth and cruel used up hands #my life is tragedy upon tragedy and there is no end in sight. i am not allowed to make my own #whose to say that suicide is morally wrong #living like this is wrong. forcing me to live is wrong. i dont want this life anymore #i want this tragedy to be over. the cycle finally broken #if i am to be ugly throughout my whole life grant me the one wish to be pretty upon my deathbed #maybe they will do my hair and quirk my lips up into a smile and do my makeup so i am soft and loveable and holy #and then finally i could bring some joy. closure. and theyd cry maybe but soon theyd realize what a relief its been

[gandreida]

This is the least depressed I have felt in years

#i think like maybe once every couple of weeks I’ll have an evening where I’m feeling down but I can still manage it pretty well #like it’s just sort of like ‘damn i hate feeling this way but im gonna do everything i can to make myself feel better’ #and then make myself some food and do things to occupy my mind #I am out here living life #living life is a skill you have to cultivate which SUCKS but once you figure it out… #I didn’t understand so many things growing up that I just Get now #going to the shops by yourself doing what you want #legitimately did not know what i wanted to do #did not know what i liked or disliked #i was indifferent to everything #i dont understand how to be indifferent to everything now but i remember what it was like #im happy. im healthy. i honestly dont want to die anymore. #Legitimately did not see myself making it to 28 years old like 6 months ago and here i am with a completely new outlook on life #i survived so many situations. i put myself thru so many scenarios just hoping it would take me away but i lived anyway and im happy 4 that #I met people that felt the same way I did and I fought tooth and nail to save them even if only for that night #i cared so deeply for complete strangers. I feel like maybe I was trying to save myself thru them #my determination to prevent others from doing the things id been doing because deep down i knew it was wrong #who do we have if not eachother? #‘hell is real’ has replaced ‘i wanna kms’ as the phrase i constantly repeat to myself. I cant stop saying it like i dont have a choice #when im with others tho j find myself saying ‘what a good day’ with the same amount of unintentional force #i say it with much more intent and consciousness when i am alone #because so many days are good day. 13/14 of days are good days im noticing #even the days where i feel down at the end are good days. My feeling sad/anxious/depressed doesnt mean i had a bad day. even if it feels bad #i love my friends so much #and i love meeting so many people #i love meeting new people all the time even if i dont remember them #i want to remember them because so many people are so nice and i love those connections #what a good day today was. what a damn good day. Everything is okay. #Special thank you to my roommates and to my former roommates for being my biggest supporters and for saving my life

[strangestcase]

tomblr discourse in the monster high universe must be something else.

0 notes

💝​ lalalala Follow

What would I do without cherry smoothies... probably die again 💔​

🟥​ b3lfrypr3pz-deactivated09182022

Of freaking course the frilly daywalker is a vegan 😒​ bet you do witchcraft too you dirty hippie

💝​ lalalala Follow

🝢🜊🝣🝗🜚🝰

🟥​ b3lfrypr3pz-deactivated09182022

WTF is that lol

🟥​ b3lfrypr3pz-deactivated09182022

i t burns. wh at did you do to me .

💝​ lalalala Follow

^-^

17k notes

🧠​ msdeadfast Follow

Ok but Dead Fast: Night of the Living (2002) has no business being considered the worst Dead Fast movie when the MCU (Murder Cinematic Universe) not only retconned his origin story to make him a virus zombie rather than a curse zombie (which throws off his entire arc about being something more than his deeds!) AND made him be allied with B.L.I.G.H.T. of all organizations because Like say what you will about NOTL and the forced heterosexual romantic plot but at least 1) it gets what makes Dead Fast a hero and 2) GIVES HIS LOVE INTEREST A PERSONALITY AND SOMETHING TO DO

🕷️ 8legscomix Follow

Literally

Also they made the villain Dr. Igorable's motivations so laughable like..... so his wife got turned into a zombie and he wants to cure her? Ok? Did she ask for it? She doesn't even have any groaning lines. Im not even a zombie but that was offensive as hell. Like in the original comics he wants to straight up undo all forms of zombism forever

🧠​ msdeadfast Follow

NO FR LIKE....... so suddenly the eugenics obsessed human is tragic because being a zombie must be such a tragedy you guyyyysssss -_- and wanting to get rid of an entire monster type is ok. I swear that movie has turned monster attitudes towards zombies back into the 80s

⚠️ mentalhealth-hazard Follow

I am not sure if I'm overstepping here but, furthermore, the addition of Pendulum to the movie was unnecesary. Stereotyping shapeshifters as untrustworthy and traitorous is something of a past era. Either leave the character behind, or change it entirely.

🧠​ msdeadfast Follow

Jackson I love you and I love your takes. but you type like a Victorian in his deathbed ;-;

⚠️ mentalhealth-hazard Follow

The MCU is so dreadful, it's irrevocably turned me into one.

#It has also substracted years off my lives.

23 notes

🌊​ lacriatura Follow

🦈​🦐​🐠🪸​​🐡​🐟​

^ aquarium!

#lagoona's originals #ocean #sealife #ah-! so refreshing <- aesth tag

26k notes

🔥 666firepit666 Follow

Not to vague anyone but some of you have to shut the freak up about the ocean. You don't see me making little dioramas of the Malebolge because I'm not a little cringelet like you lmao

1 note

🌊​ lacriatura Follow

If you don't freaking love the ocean don't follow the ocean tag. Yes that goes for @666firepit666, square up and fight me if you're so brave Heath!!!!

#lagoona's originals #personal #more skulls for my skull collection!!!

10 notes

🌙​ wolf-in-chic-clothing Follow

Day 1 no toxic doomed yuri

🌙​ wolf-in-chic-clothing Follow

WRONG SIDEBLOG

#stop reblogging this

80k notes

🔩​ stitchez Follow

Got a new arm! Can't wait to try it out!

🐯 ninelives Follow

try it out how 🤨​

🔩​ stitchez Follow

Building a wretched creature out of corpses, of course!

🔩​ stitchez Follow

OH that was a double entendre! You should be ashamed of yourself!

🔩​ stitchez Follow

I would never use my arms for violent purposes!

54 notes

🔥 666firepit666 Follow

Lagoona dragged me into the pool and now my hair is out 😡​

🌙​ wolf-in-chic-clothing Follow

Skull issue.

🧠​ msdeadfast Follow

skull issue

👻​ ghostlygossip01 Follow

Skull issue. Take the L

💝​ lalalala Follow

Skull issue ^-^

🐯 ninelives Follow

skull issue lmao

🔩​ stitchez Follow

Skull issue! I dont know what that means but I'm sure it relates to your experience!

🎸​ innerdemon Follow

SKULL ISSUEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!

🔥 666firepit666 Follow

Your own cousin 🥲​

🎸​ innerdemon Follow

I AM NOT RELATED TO ANY BALD PEOPLE

105 notes

💎​ scarab-g1rl Follow

Alright, who stole my sinister amulet?

#monster high #mh #fakeposting #unreality #fake posts

[noxtivagus]

i'll succeed with everything. definitely.

#🌙.vent #last one fr then i think i have enough energy to fix my account. bcs. i don't really care. anymore. gna gaslight myself into being fine 🤍 #smiling felt painful earlier but oh well! this is stupid anyways i shldn't think too much. this is so stupid #i have so much thoughts but yk what i will stop writing n force myself to do wtvr the fuck n yh fuck everything i'll stop overthinking i'll #just be myself. i thrive the most when i just be myself <3.. no wait i was gen doing a bit better but every time i think back n. 🥹 it Hurts #but. why the hell am i letting these stupid things bring me down. i've never really been the type to hide or bring myself down or. yeah #i shouldn't think too much on it all i know eventually i'll always succeed :< that said tho i am rlly v tired i just wna be invisible #for a while. see what'll happen if i just disappear or cut myself off from the world. if anything wld change if i'll be 'gone' in some way #but no that's bad n destructive behavior i Shouldn't but sometimes when i get stressed enough i lack any care to. stop myself maybe. but. #i made promises to myself. a lot of promises to myself in my past n to my future that. i won't do anything i'll regret. holding unto tmrrw. #the future. holding unto that sense of hope has kept me alive. even if i'll always be full of regret and disappointment i want to live to #to love and to succeed and to be free and to. fight the world & find my freedom in reality. thats hard for me n i probably dont deserve it #maybe that's precisely why i'll forge on ahead. to prove that wrong. to be kind to the other part of me that has kept me alive #it sucks bcs while. like i just said i don't think i deserve certain things. at heart i know my main truth wld be that ik i'm deserving #bcs i'm human too :< but both ends r just intense in my head n when times r draining it gets harder to. yeah #idk what i'm writing anymore but no matter how hard it gets i need to succeed. i need to improve i need something better #i'll work hard enough so i could be at peace. have freedom in my own way. 'fly' as i'm meant to and as i've always wished to #that said though ik i'll succeed in terms of several of my passions but when it comes to people.... i always feel like i fail there T_T #every time i'm distant i'm aware of how it affects me negatively but then i try to deny it at times bcs 'i just need myself blah blah' #surely i can't be weak for. wtvr but like. all that is smth that is not up to me. trying that w how i oft feel i don't belong in this world #i can't help but think that there'll always be better ppl than me for others. not that i think low of myself but its hard to feel i 'fit in #? it's a lonely world for me n i still can relate w others n socialize n wtvr n all but it just hurts. this is stupid :c thoughts like #'my friends wld be better off without me' or 'i dont contribute much anyways' & 'not much would change if i'll be gone' hurt me bcs #i do want to believe that i'm loved & cared for too in this world but.. it hurts its one of my weakest points. a hell i can't escape. #but i'm fine with it. it's my fault. my mind's fault. idk i live in my own lil world most of the time n i feel too different from others #so it's always been hard for me to reach out since i don't think it would be particularly wanted from me but i do love helping others #unconditionally n. my family's always been here from the start i can always trust them. fuck my old friends though i have trust issues #i'm working on that n i know all i shld technically fix w myself but it's easier said than done n. genuinely i rlly want to improve. #but i wonder if i'm too harsh n perfectionistic about it. making it counterintuitive. sigh. idk what i'm writing anymore i'm a mess #i'm fine. when i'm stressed n overwhelmed it's just v easy for me to lose sight of myself. i'll be fine i think soon. just need to remember