#like. I want to remind myself resentment does no good when it's for me

[mobolanz]

Man...

#like... my younger twin is freeing a pigeon she saved today. she knew she'll have to eventually but she got attached to it #so seeing her cry actually almost always makes me feel terrible too. #I actually hate almost everyone in that house for how they treat her than for how I'm treated myself. #like. I want to remind myself resentment does no good when it's for me #but when it comes to her and how she's being treated I can't help myself #honestly - last weekend those fuckups straight up came with a bunch of tridents (no. REALLY. ) and brooms to make her release it #saying she's 'tormenting it' #she treated it with delicacy care and on daily basis you cunts. had it been any of you it'd ne dead in 2 days. #then I overheard them talk about how they should just use bug spray on it 'it'd be a kinder mercy kill. better dead than caged.' #WHAT THE FUCK #bitch that's not peaceful. fuck off eat shit and drop ded #then they justified the trident with 'it's for laughs' #okay shitheads . sure is funny if one of us lost an eye.

[lxvvie]

OKAY LEMME ELABORATE

‘Road, down these old dirt roads

How far does it go?.’ And

‘We've been at it all night long

At each other throats’

Reminds me of Simon when he comes back to fix his family… Tommy’s drug problems and obviously his shitty dad, it makes me visualise the fighting, the self righteousness of both Tommy and his father when they realise Simon isn’t there to play fiddle to their habits.

‘Lived a lot of life and my biggest mistake

Is leaving my town with a pretty lady

Shredded my heart like a day old paper

Ran me wild and drove me crazy’

Reminds me of when Simon realises he’s falling in love, the panic, the stress and frustration because when Simon falls it’s scary; it’s paralysing and when Ghost falls it’s carnal and borderline erratic, it’s a battle between two sides of him on who will be buried at the doorstep of your shared home and who’ll have the privilege of loving you.

‘Lived my life like it was one big Vegas’

The ‘big Vegas’ implies loneliness and isolation which Simon is used to, he’s used to the 5 minute highs and lifetimes of regret that come from hookups, drugs etc which is what Vegas is mostly associated with.

‘I pour my shame inside my cup and drink myself to sleep

If I make it through the night then it's a sweet dream

I got demons, devils calling me

Came out the gutter covered in dirt, got it all over me’

I feel like this speaks to Simon because of his past, the ptsd, the trauma from his father AND from being buried alive, from being in the 141 and from simply surviving takes a toll and sometimes it’s easier to sink into ghost than to be Simon, so much so that Ghost could be the ‘devil’ calling him in the sense that his persona tempts him to avoid and suppress things he so clearly needs to deal with and escape into somewhere where his past will never get him.

I'm sipping on whiskey, I'm feeling it now

Tell momma I'm sorry for letting her down

I feel like this is self explanatory 😭✋🏾 Simon misses his ma.

I hope this all made sense 😭

-drama nonnie

Fuck, this tugs at my heartstrings but let's talk about it, Drama Nonnie.

Simon who fuckin' loves you, shit that burns brighter than any resentment that he held for his family and the loneliness that came after their deaths.

Simon who is torn between wanting to be near you and wanting to stay the fuck away because what he feels is so consuming that he fears it'll consume you, too, even though that's what he wants. And he loses himself in the next best thing but what else does it do besides make him feel worse?

Simon who yearns for his mother and her guidance, a shining light so caught up in her husband’s and sons' misery, who made him swear once in a rare moment of defiance that he never do to his future spouse what his father did to them.

Simon who calls you once when the walls around his heart crack and crumble into tiny pieces, the loneliness prevails, and he sounds seven ways into hell and misery, and if you didn't know better, you'd think he was choked up the way he was talking. But fuck, maybe he is.

Simon who wants to hear you speak, wants to hear your voice, and he swears he could be a better man—a good man—for you.

Simon who thinks himself a coward, because no matter what he feels, he can't bring himself to tell you three simple yet painful words that sit on the tip of his tongue.

Simon who misses his mum, misses her wisdom and wonders what she thinks of her darling boy now.

#call of duty #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty modern angstfare. #simon ghost riley #ghost call of duty #simon riley x you #simon ghost riley x reader #simon ghost riley x you #simon riley x reader #cod x reader #cod x you #call of duty x reader #call of duty x you #x plus size reader #x poc reader #x black reader #task force 141

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for planning to move out of my fiancee's place?

This one might be long so... sorry. Tried to sum it up the best I can. Hi, it's the anon moving in with the vegans. So my fiancee (20) and I (21) moved in with a pair of vegans, one of which has since moved out so now we only live with Sam (26).

Sam is polyamorous, and I thought I was too (although I now think I might be just aroace), and since moving in my partner has discovered that, unlike they previously thought when I was interested in someone a couple years prior, that they are also polyamorous, and have started dating Sam. I was totally okay with this, because I'm very poly-positive and wanted my fiancee to have a chance to discover themself and experience new things.

However, since moving in, they spend 90% of nights sleeping with Sam in their bed, and the other 10% in mine. I've been feeling really lonely about that, and expressed that, and they've responded that they've just been having a really hard time lately with their mental health, and that it's not personal. I'm trying to be supportive and understanding and patient, but I feel very isolated in this house.

Everyone in the house has chronic pain, although my fiance and I have more flare-ups than Sam does. But while there's a lot of leniency when they don't do chores, I'm still supposed to get all of my work done AND theirs, without my pain levels taken into account. This has led to me losing hours of sleep due to being expected to finish chores after getting home at 1am from my shift.

There's also the money problem: I am currently working two jobs to pay rent, and Sam makes triple what I do in salary. My fiancee only works one shift a week by choice, to pay for therapy, and thus doesn't pay rent. We are splitting rent equitably, so I'm not paying nearly as much as Sam, but still if I had the chance to cut back on hours at work to actually take care of myself (emotionally, pain-wise, actually having time to do my physio, etc) I would take it in a heartbeat. But I'm not dating Sam so I feel like there are a lot of double standards here.

I like Sam. They GM for our TTRPG home game and I have a great time. I sincerely don't want to lose those good times. But my mental health is at an all time low and I feel like a third wheel to my fiancee. I've known them for 6 years, we've known Sam for almost 1. I've started a tally of how often my fiancee sleeps in my bed vs in Sam's, and in the past 18 days, they've slept in my bed once. (I started the tally because I convinced myself I was making things up). That all said. I like Sam. But now I'm starting to have feelings of resentment due to... all of this whole situation.

This has led to me reminding my fiancee daily how much I miss them and how lonely I am, talking about moving out (they confirmed they would still live with Sam if I moved out), and being more vocal about my mental health struggles. I've started talking to my friends about it, so quite a few of them are in on the situation, and most people are advising me that I need to communicate more or that we just shouldn't get married.

I love them a lot and do still want to get married, but I also want to break up just because it's hurting to stay in this situation.

That got a lot away from me sorry, I'm probably missing some details, but I really want to know, am I the AH here? Should I be more sympathetic to my fiancee? Am I being unfair to Sam?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[jpmarvel90]

Don't let me down - Mini Series

Masterlist Scarlett Masterlist

Relationship: MamaScarlett x 16 yr old Reader

Summary: Y/n is shocked to learn that her biological mother wants to get in contact with her. She's even more shocked when she finds out who she is. However, after the troubled childhood she's had, can she find it in her to forgive her?

Word count: 10266

Y/n's POV:

Being called into the main office at the foster home was never a good thing. I've lost count of the times that I have left there with a new bruise or cut. I never understood why someone would want to run a home like this if they hated children. But Mr Woodstock did it anyway. It's not even like it pays well. He's barely able to keep up with his smoking and drinking habits. Food for us kids being the last thing on his mind some weeks. So, I can only guess that he does it because he gets a genuine kick out of being a dick to kids.

I'm 16 and have been in this particular home for 18 months. Before that I was living with my adoptive parents. In the grand scheme of things, this foster home was heaven compared to where I lived with my parents. If you could even call them that. For nearly 15 years I was treated like shit. I was at my parents' beck and call for whatever they wanted or needed doing.

My weekends and evenings were spent cleaning or cooking for them. I didn't have time for friends. I was to go to school and come straight home. If they could, I'm sure they would have not allowed me to go to school. But they didn't get permission to home school me, so it was the only solace that I had.

I never knew love. I would see parents pick their kids up from school with smiles on their faces, hugging them tightly. At lunch, most kids had a lunch prepared by their parents. I was lucky if I was given a dollar to get a chocolate bar. I was constantly reminded of the life I didn't have.

I've always known that I was adopted. Apparently, my parents were doing a favour to a friend that was a social worker. They almost resented that they had agreed to adopt me. I'm a kid not a dog. It's not something that you do as a favour. But they treated me like it was my fault that they were stuck with me. They made my life hell because of it.

I tried to talk to my teachers about what was going on at home. I'd show them the bruises and tell them what they would make me do, but when I got told that I was overreacting, I stopped trying. I had to accept that this was my life, and no one was going to help me.

There was a slither of hope 18 months ago when my parents died in a car accident. I knew that I would be moved into a foster home, but I thought that it wouldn't be as bad as my home was. Which was true, but it wasn't far off it. Turns out that Mr Woodstock is friends with the same social worker as my parents and I was left here to spend the last two years or my childhood.

I felt wrong for not mourning my parents. I felt guilty that I was happy. For a brief time anyway. I thought that maybe I would get a chance to have some happy years in my childhood. But life is cruel, and it wasn't meant to be. I just need to hang on until I'm able to move from this godforsaken home and try and make something for myself.

The only brightside of the foster home is that there is a lot more freedom. We have some chores around the home, but with the number of kids there, we get it done quite easily. The rest of the time, I just try and avoid being around the home. It's too much of a risk if Mr Woodstock catches you when he's drunk or hungover.

Since being in the home, I actually had the chance to make friends. I joined the soccer club after school as an excuse to not go home and I loved it. For the first time, I felt like I belonged somewhere. Coach Sanders is great and it's my favourite time of the week. Through the team I've made some great friends. Laura is my best friend. She's a complete goof and I love spending time with her.

She knows everything about me. The only person who does. She lets me stay at her house when I can, has me over in the evenings to prolong the time before I have to head back to the home. We're both hoping to get a scholarship to a D1 college. For me, it's the only way I'll be able to go. I have no money behind me and no parents to help. But if I could get a scholarship, I wouldn't have to worry.

Our number one choice is Pittsburgh. Laura has family there and for me, it's far enough away from New York that perhaps I could start my life off new. Make a life for myself in the steel city. But there are still two years left of school yet before any of that can happen. But it's my motivation. It makes me work hard in school and get the best grades that I can. Maybe I can make something of my life after all.

Anyway, back to being called into Mr Woodstock's office. I make my way downstairs, hesitant to open the door. But knowing the longer I take, the more I'll be punished, I swallow down the fear and push the door open. "Sir, you asked for me." I greet him, my eyes on the floor. "Ah yes. Y/n. Please come in and take a seat." His chipper voice takes me off guard. I look up and see the reason for it. A man in a suit is sat opposite him with a warm smile.

"This here is Mr Osborne. He would like to talk to you. I will give you a minute of privacy." Mr Woodstock introduces the man before standing from behind his desk and vacating the office. "Ms Y/l/n. It's a pleasure to meet you. Please just call me Danny." The man in the suit holds his hand out to me and I reluctantly take it. My senses are heightened, not sure what his intensions are. My history in these situations hasn't been good.

"It's ok. You're safe. I'm not going to hurt you." He reassures me, obviously sensing my nerves. My body instantly relaxes at his words, and I hesitantly shake his hand. "How can I help you Sir?" I ask him, taking a seat next to him. "I'm a lawyer and I represent your biological mother." He explains. I instantly gasp at his words, never thinking that I would know anything more about my biological parents.

"She would like to reach out to you and perhaps potentially meet you." He carries on explaining whilst I just sit there in shock. She wants to meet me. Why now? "Would that be something that you are interested in?" Danny asks me, his voice remaining calm. I don't respond, my mind is going a mile a minute. "There is no pressure to do so at all. Everything will be on your terms. If you make the decision to not meet her, then that is completely fine." He tells me.

I rub my hands up and down the tops of my legs. My palms feeling sweaty. What do I do? I never thought I would get this opportunity. Do I even want to meet this woman? My life is hell. There were days I would wish that I wouldn't wake up and it's all because of my adoptive parents. "I uh. I'm not sure." I finally find my voice, not wanting to be rude. From experience, if you don't respond to an adult's question, it doesn't end well.

"That's ok Y/n. There is no pressure to do anything that you're not comfortable with." He kindly says, but I can't help the scoff that comes out. I've been made to do many things that I'm not comfortable with and no adult has given a damn in the past. He instantly frowns at my reaction, and I panic. "Uh. Could you perhaps tell me a little about her?" I ask him, hoping that might help me to make my decision.

"Of course. Though I have to warn you that it may all be a bit of a shock to you." He says with a bit of a chuckle. I sit back more in my chair, feeling more comfortable around Danny. He seems kind and I'm not waiting for the moment that his mood changes. "Her name is Scarlett. She is 38 and lives in the Upper East Side in Manhattan." He starts off. "Wow. Upper East Side? That's fancy." I reply to which he chuckles. I guess she didn't give me up because money was an issue!

"You may have heard of Scarlett. Her last name is Johansson and she's an actress." At his words, my mouth drops open. Ok this has to be some kind of a joke. "Ok, this isn't fair. You know, it's not nice to play tricks on foster kids. We're not just here for you to get your kicks out of." I hiss angrily, standing up to leave. I'm not here to be the butt of someone's sick joke. Before I can pass him, he quickly reaches out to grab my arm. "What? No wait. Please Y/n. I'm not lying. I would never. Please just sit." He falters over his words but quickly releases my wrist when he sees that my wide eyed gaze is fixated on his hand. "I'm sorry." He apologises, his eyes showing regret.

I hesitantly retake my seat and allow him to carry on. "Scarlett was 22 when she put you up for adoption. It was a very hard decision for her. But she is very keen to meet up with you now. She asked me to come and see you specifically to tell you." He says and I can see the truth behind his words. It's something that I've become good at over the years. I can see when someone is lying. "Why now?" I ask, unsure what could possibly make her want to see me now.

"Well, she's been trying to find you for a couple of years now. But with the adoption, she wasn't able to contact you directly. When you got moved back into the foster home, her rights changed, and she is able to do so now. I'm very sorry to hear about your parents by the way." He explains, his voice laced with sympathy as he spoke of my parents. Again, I had to fight the scoff, if only he knew. "Scarlett understands that this is all going to be a lot for you to process. But she is willing to meet you somewhere that you feel most comfortable. Perhaps here..." "No." I quickly cut him off. Probably a little too quickly as I see concern flash in his eyes. "Ok, that's not a problem. We can arrange for you to meet her somewhere you feel safe and comfortable." He adjusts his comment.

I fiddle with my fingers as I think over the request. I've never wanted to meet my biological parents. I have too much anger towards them. But I also have so many questions for them. Maybe if I know that she is a horrible person herself, then it will make the fact that I grew up in hell a little easier to bare. "Ok." I mumble, not confident in my answer. "Really?" Danny asks, a smile growing on his face. I simply nod and I can't help but notice his excitement growing. "Oh, she's going to be so happy that you accepted. Where would you like to meet?" He asks, taking out a pen from his bag.

I think for a moment where I feel most comfortable. "There's a café on Franklin Avenue near Prospect Park. It's called Cuppa Joe's." I tell him. It's my favourite place to go. Laura and I visit most days and on Thursdays we come with the team after practice. "Ok. I'll confirm when she is free and confirm with Mr Woodstock the time and date." Danny tells me, closing his pad and packing his things away. He then hands me a card. "Please, contact me if you need anything. I've noted my personal mobile on the back too." I take the card and flip it over and sure enough see his number. "Uh. Thanks." I smile, shaking his held out hand.

I walk him to the door, still in a slight state of shock. But before I know it, my feet are taking me to my room to grab my bag and then they're hitting the pavement taking me to Laura's house.

Safe to say she was a lot more squealy when she heard the news. She is a complete Marvel geek. Don't get me wrong, I like the movies, but Laura reads the comics and has watched every movie at least 10 times. "This is amazing Y/n." She says when she finally calms down. But my mood doesn't match hers. "Isn't it?" She clarifies when she sees how my mood has changed. "Talk to my Y/n/n." She says turning to face me more.

"She already has a family. She's married with two kids. What could she possibly want with me? Is it just so she can clear her conscience that she made the right decision 16 years ago?" I share my feelings with Laura, who's face contorts with empathy. "Oh Y/n. Maybe she wants to have you in her life? Make things right again." She tries to make me look on the brightside. But as someone who never gets a silver lining, it's hard to do.

"She's gone on to live this amazing life all because she gave me up, whilst I was living in constant fear. Never knowing when the next beating was coming, wondering if my life was ever going to get any better. The sad thing is, I consider this foster home better! This is the best my life has been, and it is still something no kid should have to go through." I admit, tears starting to fall down my face.

I hated being this vulnerable, but Laura was the one person I felt safe being around. She quickly engulfs me in a hug. She hates that there is very little she can do. But what she doesn't know is she is the light, the one good thing in my life. "I know that nothing will change your past, but maybe this can change your future for the better. If nothing else, you can get some closure and then we focus on our future at college!" She says reassuring me.

"I'm scared." I admit. Although I'm not in a safe environment, I know it and I know what I can do to protect myself as best I can. But this is something I have no control over. An adult I don't know and don't know their intentions. I lose control over the situation. "I know that you don't know what is waiting for you. But no matter what happens, I will be there for you. I will always be here for you Y/n/n." She comforts me, placing a kiss against my head.

I stay for dinner at Laura's, and we talk more about everything, and she is being her usual amazing self and giving me the best advice. I really am so lucky to have her in my life.

Eventually, I have to head home. I give Laura a big hug and start my journey back to the home. When I get inside, I'm met by a sober Mr Woodstock, which is very unusual. "Y/n!" He calls me and I flinch slightly. He walks closer to me, and I hold my breath, waiting for the scolding that is coming my way. "Here. All the info for meeting your mom." He says with a smile. I take the note from his hand, waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Here's some money for a taxi to take you." He adds on, holding out a 20 dollar bill. I hesitate but he waves it to me. "Not trick here Y/n." He smiles so I take it and make my way upstairs. Ok that was weird.

I read the note and see that she wants to meet on Friday at 4pm. That works well as I can get from school to the café in plenty of time. It's only two days away and it's scary to think that I'm going to be meeting my bio mom. It's even scarier to think that it's Scarlett Johansson.

__________

I'm currently sat in the café waiting for Scarlett to turn up. With the taxi, I was able to get here 15 minutes early. I pick a table in the corner out of the way. I'm sure she doesn't want to be too much in the open. I spend my time texting Laura, who is doing a great job at supporting me. I order a hot chocolate, knowing that having too much caffeine right now is probably not a good thing.

I can feel my nerves growing as the clock slowly ticks towards 4. My eyes keep falling to the door every time I hear the bell go. My heart rate spiking each time, only to calm when I see it's not her.

10 minutes go by, then 20 and there is still no sign of her. Maybe this was all some big joke and Mr Woodstock is watching me, getting a kick out of a new way to abuse me mentally. I finish my hot chocolate and as the clock hits half past 4, I decide that enough is enough. I'm not waiting anymore. Even if this isn't some big joke, the fact that she hasn't turned up tells me everything that I need to know.

Fighting off tears, I collect my bag and slip some money into the tip jar as I make my way out of the café. I instantly start to walk towards the park, taking a seat on the closest bench. She didn't turn up. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Why did I think that anything was going to go right for me. This isn't some fairy tale where we all live happily ever after. I grab my phone and text Laura.

Y/n: She didn't come

It's all I can say. Anything more and it makes my heart ache more. She didn't come. She stood me up. She wanted to meet me. She instigated this and decided that she wasn't going to show. I was happy in my dark little world. I knew the threats and what could hurt me. I knew how to keep that to a minimum. It wasn't a good life, but it was a life I knew and saw an exit to. I should never have even entertained the idea of meeting Scarlett. She was happy to leave me once, why would she want to follow through this time.

I get lost in my own dark thoughts, questioning my self-worth. No one has or will ever want me. As if the world wants to add to my misery, rain starts to fall. But I don't move. It's weirdly comforting as my tears mix with the raindrops that hit my cheeks. It feels like my heart is cracking. Which is stupid. I don't know this woman. She just happened to birth me and now disappoint me once again.

Scarlett's POV:

For 16 years I have woken up every morning and wondered what my daughter would be doing. From the moment I signed the adoption papers I regretted it. But it was the right choice. I couldn't give her the life she deserved, at least this way, she was able to have a family that could devote time to her and love her. My career was just starting to take off and having a child wouldn't have been fair to either of us.

My parents offered to help, but I didn't want to be an absentee mother when another could provide her with the home she deserved. When I had Rose, was when I started to look for Y/n. But I wasn't able to do so until she was 18. I had signed my parental rights away and unless Y/n made the decision to reach out to me, I wasn't able to do anything.

It was almost torture waiting for the days to pass so I could get in contact with her. When I married Colin, I told him everything, that I wanted to reach out and have a relationship with her. He was really supportive of me and said that he couldn't wait to meet her, and that Rose and Cosmo would love having an older sister.

I was shocked, however, when my lawyer contacted me to say that Y/n had been moved to a foster home. I had a meeting with Danny where I learnt that Y/n's parents had been killed in a car accident and that there was no immediate family to take her in. So, she became a child of the state and because of her age, was moved to a group home. This was my chance to see her. To try and have a relationship with my daughter. One that I had craved for years.

Colin and I were waiting anxiously for Danny to come by after visiting Y/n. We decided it would be best if he went and met her to arrange for me to see her separately, once she had a chance to take it all in. It killed me that she was so close, yet so far from me. "Scar, babe. Sit down. He'll be here soon." Colin tries to calm me by placing a hand on my shoulder. I go to respond, but the knock at the door has me rushing through the house to answer it.

I let out a sigh of relief when I see Danny at the door. "Hi. Please come in." I greet him, holding the door open to him. He follows me through to the living room where Colin is waiting. We offer him a drink and then get down to business. "How was she? Did she agree to meet me?" I ask quickly, which causes Danny to chuckle. "She was rightfully shocked. At first, she thought that it was a joke and tried to leave." He explains. "But I managed to convince her to hear me out." He adds on and I relax.

I can't imagine what it must all be like for her. Losing your parents, moving into a group home, and now being told your biological mother is a famous actress. "She has agreed to meet you and has suggested a café that she visits regularly in Brooklyn. It seems like it's a safe space for her." He shares and I let out a little sob knowing that she has agreed to see me. "I can't believe it. I'm going to meet my daughter." I cry whilst Colin holds me close.

"Did you talk much? Is she happy? What's she like?" I rattle off questions, but I see that Danny falters and it makes my heart stop. "What's wrong?" I question and he sighs. "It's nothing, we'll just focus on the meeting." He tries to deflect but I don't allow him. "No. Please share what it is." I request, causing him to sigh once again. "It's just a feeling. It's probably nothing." He defends, but he's struggling to make eye contact.

Danny has been my lawyer for years. He's a good friend and I like to think I can read him. He's great at his job and a gut feeling for him is more often than not, right. "Danny." I say lowly, showing that I'm not wanting to mess around. "I just have some concerns. I plan to do a bit of investigating and then I can confirm more." He explains.

I feel my breathing hitch. "What concerns? And don't tell me it's nothing." I snap at him, waiting expectantly for an answer. "She shows signs that she may have been abused. She was extremely nervous in not only mine, but also the care home manager's presence. I had to convince her that she was safe so she would sit with me. It was obvious that she doesn't feel safe in that home and when I touched her, she flinched and was hyper focused on the touch." He shares and I think that my heart broke in that moment. "But she's been through a lot. Her parents haven't long passed, and she's been uprooted into a new home. A care home at that. Surely that could explain it." Colin suggests, but I can tell by Danny's look, there is more.

"That's the thing. When I brought up her parents, she almost looked relieved. It's something I couldn't put my finger on, but it just didn't feel right." There was a silence as we let his words sink in. Danny has been in the game for a long time. Any gut feeling is based off of years of experience. He works a lot with foster kids and if he thinks something is up, it's most likely that it is. "Mr Woodstock gave me information on her previous family, and I plan to do some research and pull together some information. Which I will of course share with you, but it may take a few days though." He says and I nod, not trusting my words in this moment.

Fear washes over me at the thought that my daughter wasn't in fact in a safe and loving home. The thought that someone might have hurt her makes me feel sick to my stomach. What makes it all worse is that it's all my own fault. She could be with me, safe and sound, but I was selfish and put my career first.

"I know this is a lot to take in. But for now, let's arrange a meet up and we can go from there." Danny offers with a warm smile. "Ok. Let's get something in sooner rather than later. I don't want to wait too long to meet her." I say, instantly grabbing my phone to find some time to meet her.

Friday ends up being the best day. I'm filming in the morning but have the afternoon off so I can meet up with her after she's finished school. Colin agrees that I'll go on my own to start off with and if things go well, then he'll come along next time. It makes my heart swell every time he talks about her. He's almost as excited to meet her as I am. I just can't wait for Friday to come around. I finally get to meet my little girl.

__________

I couldn't be any angrier. Shooting has over run and I'm currently rushing to my trailer to get changed so I can go and meet Y/n. I was meant to finish at 12 but it's now half past 3 and I'm only just getting off set. The director tries to stop me to talk, but I quickly tell him that I have an appointment that I simply cannot miss and will call him later.

My heart feels like it's going to thump through my chest as I sit in the car on the way to the café. It's all the way on the other side of the city in Brooklyn and I watch as the clock ticks over 4pm. I'm late. This is really not a good start. I just hope that she will wait for me. When I finally pull up at the café, I jump out the car and see that its' 5pm. Fuck, she's not going to be here.

I rush in the café and a few heads look up at me as I frantically look around. I don't see her anywhere. I take a deep breath and make my way over to the counter. "Hi, excuse me." I greet the older lady who gives me a warm smile. "Yes dear. How can I help you?" She asks. "I'm looking for a girl. Her name is Y/n and I think she comes in here quite regularly." I explain and her smile grows wider. "Ah yes. We see Y/n a few times a week. But I'm sorry you missed her. She left in a bit of a hurry about 30 minutes ago." She informs me and my heart sinks. "Oh ok. Do you have any idea of where she might go?" I ask but she shakes her head. "Anywhere but home." She answers and then turns to the customer who has just walked in.

I make my way back into the car and sob. I'm sure my driver thinks that I've lost it, but I've screwed up. I've blown my only chance to meet my daughter. I just wanted to make things right. To help calm me down, I call Colin, who listens and helps to stop me falling into a panic attack. "You need to try and find her. She is probably thinking that it was done on purpose and is hurting right now." He says whilst I nod into the phone. "Start with the home." He says but I quickly disagree. "The lady in the café said she'd be anywhere but home." I inform him. "Well, that's not a good sign." He mumbles which just makes my panic increase again. "You've got nowhere else to start. They might know where she is and it's already getting late, so you never know, she might have gone home already." Colin talks sense.

I agree and then decide to call Danny. I explain what happened and he agrees to meet me at the group home. But this time it's already getting close to 7pm and I'm becoming more desperate by the minute. Danny and I both pull up at the same time and he is quick to stop me. "What?" I snap at him, but he just grips me tighter. "You need to take a minute ok. You can't go in there all worked up." He says sternly. I listen to him, knowing that he's right.

It's late and I pray that she's come home. We walk to the entrance, and I knock on the door. We're greeted by an older looking man and instantly the smell of alcohol is evident. I look towards Danny who has a harsh look on his face. "We're here to see Y/n Y/l/n." Danny tells him but the guy laughs. "She's not here." He slurs and it makes my anger build.

I feel a hand on my arm as Danny tries to calm me. "Mr Woodstock. Would you know where she might be? Ms Johansson here missed her appointment with her and would like to see her." He says calmly. "It's still early, she probably won't be home until later. She's probably at a friend's house." He states, clearly no longer interested in this conversation. "She's in your charge, how can you not know where she is?" I bark at him and his gaze snaps to mine. "I wasn't the one to stand her up." He snarls before turning to leave.

But before the door can shut, we hear a girl calling out from behind us. "Mr Woodstock!" He stops in his tracks and looks the girl up and down. "I'm Laura, Y/n's friend." She says and he nods. "I remember." He gets a smarmy smirk on his face, and it makes me feel sick. "She was supposed to come to mine this evening, but she didn't turn up. Is she home?" She asks, worry lacing her voice.

"No, she's not back yet. Check back tomorrow." He says and slams the door. "Fuck." I hear the girl mutter and turn to leave. "Wait!" I call after her and she stops, turning to look at me. "You know Y/n?" I question her. She's shocked when she sees me, but that shock soon turns to anger. "What do you want?" She growls at me. "I'm trying to find Y/n." I say but she laughs. "What so you can let her down again?" She asks with sass.

My mouth just opens and closes, unsure what to say. "It took a lot for her to agree to meet you. She's been through so much in her life. She deserves better. I told her that maybe you wanted to give her that. But I was wrong." Her voice seems broken. She clearly cares about Y/n a lot. The pain is evident in her voice. "Do you have her phone number?" Danny asks Laura and she nods. "Do you think you could share it with us?" He asks but she shakes her head. "No." She states firmly. I step forward, trying to hold it together. "Please. I just want to talk to her. Apologise." I say, fighting back the tears. "I'm not sharing her number with a stranger. Besides, she's not even responding to me right now, so I doubt she'd respond to you." She scoffs.

She's right. That is all I am to her. I have loved her even though she wasn't in my life, but for her, I'm just the woman who gave her up. I quickly fumble in my bag for a pen and scrap of paper. "Here." I say, holding the paper out to Laura. "This is my number. Please just let me know when you know she's safe." I say, practically begging her to take my number. She sighs but takes it with a nod of her head.

I watch as she walks away then turn to Danny. "What do we do? What if she's hurt?" I agonise. "There's not much we can do at the moment. She's not been gone long enough for a missing person's report. As annoying as it is, Mr Woodstock is right. It's still early and she may just be out and about. It seems like she avoids being here as much as she can anyway." He logically explains. "I want to stay here." I tell Danny who looks at me shocked. "I just want to make sure she gets home. I won't bother her." I tell him and he nods. "I'll stay with you. If she's not back home by midnight I can contact a friend at the NYPD." He offers and I pull him into a grateful hug.

So, that's what we do. I send my driver home and Danny and I sit in his car, our eyes on the group home, waiting for Y/n to come home. The closer it gets to midnight, the more worry I feel. I keep checking my phone to see if Laura has texted me but nothing.

It's 11:45 and I see a dark shadow getting closer to the house. "Is that her?" I ask. Although I've seen pictures of her, Danny is the only one to have met her face to face. He looks up and nods. I start to cry when I see her dejected form. Her head hanging low, he clothes soaked through from the rain. I reach for the door handle, but before I touch it, Danny stops me. "Don't Scarlett. We'll come by tomorrow and see if she'll meet you. But it's late and this is highly inappropriate." He tells me. Every part of my body wants to ignore him and go to her. To apologise profusely. But my head tells me that he's right. I want to do this the proper way.

He drives me home and Colin is waiting at the door for me. I practically fall into his arms sobbing. "I'll come by tomorrow. I'll have the full report ready for you and we'll go through it together. Then we'll head to the group home and see if she'd be willing to meet you." Danny says as I enter the house. "Thank you. I appreciate everything you're doing." I tell him honestly. I don't know what I would have done without him!

I don't sleep much at all that night. Every time sleep approached, I would remember that I let her down twice now. That I don't deserve to have the chance to have her in my life. But I know that I will do everything in my power to make sure that she is. It's selfish, but I want to give her the life she deserves. The one that I should have given her when she was born.

When morning eventually comes round, Colin gets up with me to make me eat something for breakfast. He had dropped the kids around my mom's house last night so we could have the time to sort everything out. My mom was more than happy to help. She's so excited that Y/n might be a part of our lives again.

At 10am, Danny arrives and comes in with a file in hand. My heart rate picks up as I know we're about to get a much clearer story of what Y/n's life has been like. He takes a seat, and I instantly can tell that whatever is in that file isn't good. Danny wouldn't be a good poker player, that's for sure. "Ok. So, I've done some in depth research into Y/n's life and I believe that I have a much clearer picture of things. But I must warn you that some of this may not be easy listening." He isn't one to beat around the bush, but hearing those words makes my breathing hitch.

"Y/n was adopted by Phil and Katie Y/l/n. They lived in Brooklyn the whole time. I have spoken with her schools and was able to get a better picture of her life. She didn't do any after school clubs and was very isolated. She would rush to get home each day and often would worry if she was late. She did raise concerns with two of her teachers when she was 11, but both teachers deemed that she was over-reacting." He starts off, placing school reports out in front of us. "What were the concerns?" I ask, a fire building within. "In the report, she said her parents were mean and weren't nice to her. They directly quoted her. They note a couple of bruises but claim they could have been from anything." Danny explains, a frown on his own face.

"The school reports after these days show that Y/n became more secluded and insular. However, she was at an underfunded school that didn't have the resources to be able to support her. She effectively gets lost in the system." Danny shares. I squeeze Colin's hand tighter, needing any comfort that I could get. "I also have her hospital records." Danny starts and I hear the hesitation in his voice. "She was admitted on a number of occasions for injuries ranging from broken bones to lacerations. On her 10th visit, one of the doctors referred her back to the social worker with concerns of abuse. However, it seems like this went no further than that." Danny shares, with a look of pity on his face.

"This is where things get a bit more difficult." He starts. "More difficult than the fact that it seems like my daughter was in an abusive home yet was failed by both the educational and social systems?" I snap. How could this get any worse? "It seems that Y/n's social worker arranged the adoption with her parents and then moved her into this particular group home once they passed. It's actually outside of Y/n's school district so wouldn't be a suitable placement. On further investigation, I have the belief that they were working to take money from the state through the adoption and fostering of Y/n." His explanation shows how she was only seen a pawn in their game for a quick buck.

"I've contacted the NYPD and given them all the evidence that I have, and they are going to start an investigation. However, until they have more concrete evidence, they won't be able to move Y/n or any of the children from Mr Woodstock's care. It could take a couple of weeks and from there she would then be moved to another care home." He informs us. I'm glad that they are being investigated, but it's not quick enough. I need her to be safe now.

"Can we take her in? She's my daughter after all." I ask, but the drop of Danny's gaze makes me fear his answer. "That is where things get a bit tricky. When you put Y/n up for adoption, you signed away your parental rights. You would have to get approved to be a foster carer first and then have to go through the courts to adopt Y/n. Through all of this Y/n would have to consent as she's 16." He explains. "Well, can we get an application started so we can at least start that process? We can then work towards adoption." Colin steps in and I smile at his confidence and commitment.

"Of course, if that's what you both want. We may be able to petition the state to speed the process along as you are her birth mother. But you'd have to go before a judge." Danny responds. "Do it. I will do whatever I have to do to get her back in our lives." I tell Danny firmly. "Do you agree Colin?" He asks, moving his gaze to my husband. "I 100% support Scarlett. We discussed this when she wanted to approach Y/n. The end goal was always to have her back with us." He says with a smile, leaning down to place a kiss to my head. "Ok, well I'll start the petition later today." Danny smiles, taking a note in his pad in front of him.

"Can we still go and visit her this afternoon?" I ask, unsure if it's still the right thing to do. "We can try, but it's important that we do this all on Y/n's terms. She's not had any adults in her life support her like she has needed. She has been failed on a number of occasions and we need to make sure she is comfortable before proceeding." Danny tells me. "Of course. I only want what's best for her." I respond.

"Ok. Well, I'll call My Woodstock and arrange a meeting this afternoon. In the meantime, I can leave her file with you if you'd like to read more. But please read it with care. There is a lot in there that isn't an easy read." He says whilst gathering his things. "I'll call you when I have a time to go and see her." He says, hugging us goodbye and heading out.

Colin and I take the time to read through the file. Danny was right, it was certainly not an easy read. With each page my heart broke even more. She had been through so much. She is 16 and never experienced a loving home. "I failed her." I whisper as I finish reading over her hospital record detailing each injury she had treated. It makes me wonder how many times she was hurt and they didn't take her to the hospital. "You didn't fail her Scarlett." Colin tries to defend but I shake my head.

"If I kept her, she wouldn't have gone to those monsters. She would have been loved. I was so selfish, putting myself and my career first. My parents offered to help and yet I didn't want the inconvenience." I start to cry as I fall into Colin's hold. "But you thought that she was going to go to a loving home. You had no control over that. She was used by a sick person in power. You had no way of knowing that. You trusted that the state would take care of her, but they are the ones that truly failed her." He tells me with conviction. "But." "No buts. Yes, yesterday could have gone better. But we'll go and see her today and start to make things right. We'll show her that we want to give her a home that she is worthy of. A family that loves her." He reassures me.

I couldn't be more grateful for this man. He has been so supportive through it all. I was terrified when I told him about Y/n. Worried that he might leave me, but he didn't. He asked me what I wanted and has been by my side ever since. I'm lucky to have him in my life.

Danny calls to confirm that we're heading over at 3pm. He's asked Mr Woodstock to not tell Y/n in fear she'll leave the home knowing that we're going. We meet Danny there a little before 3 and Colin says that he'll wait in the car until he's needed. I'm really nervous as I start walking towards the house. I have to fight the anger that is building when I think about the life Y/n has here and that Mr Woodstock isn't innocent in it all. But I need to keep my cool so I can keep Y/n safe.

We're guided through into an office space with a sofa and Mr Woodstock asks one of the girls to go and get Y/n. We take a seat and I'm sure I can feel my heart about to beat out of my chest. I'm actually about to meet my daughter. The next couple of minutes seems to drag by as Mr Woodstock tries to make small talk. Thankfully, there is finally a knock at the door and my head shoots up to look.

The door slowly creaks open, and I see Y/n walk in with her head down. "You asked to see me Mr Woodstock." Her voice is hoarse like she's been crying, and she hasn't even noticed anyone else is in the room. "Y/n we have guests. Please don't be rude and look up." Mr Woodstock exhales in frustration.

As she lifts her head her eyes land on me, and I see a sadness flash through them. That's until I see the dark bruising forming around her eye. I go to stand up but Danny places a hand on my knee. I then go to ask what happened, but Mr Woodstock is quickly out of his seat. I see Y/n flinch as he approaches her. "I thought I told you to cover that up." He hisses at her. "I'm sorry Sir. I didn't know you had guests." She quivered.

It is taking everything in me to not stand up and punch that asshole. I can see that Y/n is clearly fearful of him. Was he the one that did that to her?! "Well, it's too late now. Come in and see your visitors. I'll be in the living room." He says, marching out of the room, leaving Y/n stood with a slight shake to her body. I just want to engulf her in a hug and tell her that she's safe and that I'll never let anyone hurt her again. "I'm not sure if you remember me but we meet a few days ago." Danny starts calmly. "I remember you Mr Osborne." She speaks politely, though her gaze is fixated on her hands. "Please, call me Danny." He tells her with a smile. "Why don't you come and sit with us." He encourages her, holding his hand to point to the empty chair opposite us.

She slowly makes her way to the chair and takes a seat. "I would like to introduce you to Scarlett. She is your biological mother." Danny says, turning to me. Y/n doesn't look up and my smile falters. "Hi Y/n. It's an honour to meet you." I tell her, fighting back tears. I never thought I would find my daughter in a state like this. So, broken. But when I look at her, I see myself in her. She's got brown hair, but her facial features are just like mine.

"I am so sorry that I was late to meet you yesterday. I got held up at work and I didn't have a number to get hold of you with." I try to explain but her gaze doesn't move. "I went to the café, but the owner said that you had already left. So, I came here but you hadn't come back yet. I really am sorry. I never meant to leave you on your own. I was looking forward to seeing you more than anything. Please believe that." I practically beg her.

Her head slowly lifts, and she makes direct eye contact for me for the first time since she came in here. "It's ok. I'm used to being let down." She mumbles. "It's not ok Y/n. I made a promise to meet you and I was so excited. I should have done more to let you know that I was running late. I hope that you could maybe let me make it up to you." I tell her, wanting her to know that she shouldn't accept being let down. "I'll give you some time. I'll be just outside if you need me." Danny says, standing and leaving us be.

An awkward silence falls over us as I can't stop staring at her black eye. "How did you get that?" I ask her, pointing to her eye. "I fell." She responds bluntly. I don't believe her, but I don't want to push her just yet. Silence falls over us again whilst I think about what I want to say. "It was the biggest mistake. Giving you up." I tell her and that seems to get her attention. "Then why did you?" She asks, hurt evident across her face.

I sit forward so that our knees are almost touching. "I thought I was doing the right thing. I was 22 and my career was taking off. I made a selfish decision. But I soon realised the mistake I made, but I couldn't change it. I had signed away my parental rights." I explain, embarrassed by admitting my failings. "I couldn't contact you until you turned 18 or you contacted me. So, I just had to wait. But when your parents passed and you were returned to the care system, I was able to contact you directly." I explain how I was able to finally get in touch.

"I know that it may not seem like it after giving you up and missing our meeting yesterday, but I really want to get to know you Y/n. To have you in my life. My husband can't wait to meet you either." I tell her with a chuckle. But those words seem to do the opposite of what I hoped. "You have two children?" She asks me. "Well, I have three including you." I respond, trying to keep my smile on my face. "But you have two others that live with you." She clarifies and I nod. "You already have your family. I'm just a stranger." She sniffles.

I reach out and take her hand in mine. The flinch making my heart break even more. "No. You are the missing piece. You are my family. I may be a stranger to you, but I have spent every day loving you. Wishing that I had made a different decision all those years ago. I would wonder what you were doing and what you wanted to be when you grew up. I wondered if you liked sports and what type of music you liked. You were always on my mind." I tell her truthfully. "When I had Rose and Cosmo, it was a bittersweet moment. Each time it reminded me of the mistake I had made. That I could have had you in my life too. Being part of my family." I add on.

"Who's my father?" She asks, a question that I was expecting to come at some point. I look down a little ashamed. "I don't know. It was a one night stand. I didn't know his name." I admit. When I lift my gaze, I see hers already on me, studying me. "What is it you want from me?" She asks, almost with an annoyance to her voice. "Truthfully?" I ask her and she nods. "I would love to have a chance to be your mother. But I understand that you may not have the same desire." I tell her, feeling sick at the thought that she may never want to see me again.

"What do you want from all of this?" I ask her, turning the question back around. She sighs and rubs at her forehead as she formulates a response. "I have no idea." She chuckles lightly. "I never expected this to happen. It's all just a bit much." She admits and I nod understanding that this must all be overwhelming to her. "Would you want to be a part of my life?" I ask her tentatively, scared of what her response might be. "I really don't know Scarlett. I don't know you and although you say you love me, you don't know me either." She responds and I smile at her maturity.

"Then let's get to know each other. Spend time together. You can meet Colin and the kids. There would be no pressure on you at all. If this is something you don't want, then we can stop. As much as that would hurt, what is important is what you want." I share so she can see she has the control. "What would you tell your kids?" She asks. "I'd love to tell them the truth. But for now, if you're not comfortable with that, we can just say you're a friend and go from there." I offer up. There's a pause and silence falls once again as she thinks of her response. I feel like I'm holding my breath the whole time. "Ok. I think I'd like to get to know you. But..." My smile grows impossibly wide at her words, though it feels like my heart stops at the word but. "Please don't let me down again." She whispers, her whole body deflating.

I instantly give her hand a squeeze to gain her attention. "Hey. Listen to me." I say softly as I reach forward to wipe the tears falling down her cheeks. "I promise that you will come first. I will be here every step of the way. I will not let you down again. I just want you to be safe and happy." I tell her through my own tears. She only nods in return and I lean forward to pull her into a hug. She tenses initially but soon melts into it.

After we both calm down a little, I sit back and my gaze lands on her black eye once again. "Now can you tell me how you really got that?" I ask her and I see her tense once again. "I told you..." She starts but I quickly shake my head and step in. "I know that you didn't fall. Did Mr Woodstock do that to you?" I ask her cautiously. Her head drops but the small nod of confirmation doesn't go unnoticed. My breathing hitches at the thought and I feel anger rush through me. "Why?" I ask slightly more harshly than I intended.

When she doesn't answer, I reach out and take her hand, slowly rubbing my thumb over her knuckles. "He was mad that I was late home and that you and Danny came looking for me when he was drunk." She explains. "Is this the first time that he's done something like this? Are you safe here?" I question her, terrified of what she's going to say. The shake of her head shatters my already broken heart.

I wrap my arms around her trying to provide her any comfort that I can. "I promise you that I will keep you safe. I won't let him lay another finger on you." I promise her whilst gently rubbing my hands up and down her back. After a while, I go and let Danny in. Y/n explains what happened to her and Danny is straight onto the phone to the Police and Social Services.

As the police car arrives, I see Colin's face appear at the door, worry etched across it. "I'll be right back." I tell Y/n as she is with Danny and the police. I greet Colin and fall into his arms. He holds me tight and places a kiss against my head. "I saw the police and got worried. Is that her?" He asks, nodding his head behind me. I turn and smile when I see her. "Yeah. That's her." I confirm. "What happened to her face?" He asks and my body deflates. "Oh Scar." He says when the realisation hits him.

The police arrest Mr Woodstock after some of the other kids admitted that he had also hurt them. When social services arrived, Danny made sure to make them aware of the impending investigation onto Harry Lycett who was Y/n's social worker. He then returns to Colin and me. "What happens now?" I ask him. "They're arranging for temporary placements for the kids for the foreseeable future." He replies. "What about Y/n?" I ask, worried that I'm going to miss my chance. "She'll be found a foster home for the time being." He responds. "Can't she come with us?" I ask him in a panic.

Colin agrees with me as Danny sighs. "I'm not sure if that's possible. It's a Saturday and I won't be able to get in front of judge until Monday at the earliest." He shares sadly. He looks between Colin and I and sighs once again. "Give me a minute." He says, before heading towards one of the social workers.

We both wait anxiously for Danny to return. We watch him talk with the social worker who then makes a phone call. Eventually, he starts to make his way back over towards us and I can't tell what he's feeling. "Ok. I've spoken with the social worker and explained the situation. They have agreed to you having custody until Monday. After that, it'll be down to the judge to decide." He says and I let out a little squeal. "Scarlett don't get your hopes up. This could all be temporary." Danny tells me with a stern voice. "I know. But I have a chance. That's all I need." I respond with a smile. "Do you want to meet her?" I turn to face Colin and see his smile grow. He nods and I take his hand, walking back towards the office.

Y/n is sat in a chair on her own, fear across her face as she awaits her fate, her focus on fiddling with the hem of her shirt. This has been an overwhelming day for her. She's had to explain to the police what she's been through and now she's about to find out she's moving again. I take the seat next to her and Colin sits opposite. "Y/n, I'd like you to meet my husband, Colin." I introduce them. "Colin, this is my daughter Y/n." I say with a smile. I notice Y/n's head snap to look at me when I refer to her as my daughter and I see a slight tug at her lips. "It's lovely to meet you Y/n." Colin greets, holding his hand out.

Y/n takes it and gives it a firm shake. "You too Colin." She smiles. We chat for a little before Y/n turns to Danny, who's stood in the doorway. "What happens now?" She asks. Danny looks to me and nods, so I turn to fully face Y/n. "Social Services are closing the group home and finding alternative homes for everyone. Danny has spoken with the social workers, and they have agreed that you can stay with us this weekend until we're able to get our official fostering status." I explain, almost holding my breath as I wait for her response.

"Why are you getting your fosters license?" She asks. "Well, if things go well, we'd like to official adopt you. But we'd have to foster you first before the adoption could be processed." Colin steps in to show that he is just as involved in this decision as I am. "Wait, what?" She asks shocked. "I meant what I said Y/n. I want to be a mother to you. But if that's not what you want, then we can just foster you until you find an alternative home." I assure her, still hating the thought that she won't want to be a part of our family. "So, what do you say? Do you want to come home with us, and we can take it one day at a time?" I ask her with a shake to my voice.

It feels like time stops as I look at Y/n waiting for her to answer. My focus is on the 16 year old who's life has just been turned upside down, again. Internally, I'm begging that she's going to say yes. That I'll get a chance to give her the loving home that she deserves. After what seems like hours Y/n looks up to me opening her mouth. "Scarlett I...."

Part 2

#scarlett johansson x y/n #scarlett johansson fanfiction #scarlett johansson x reader #scarlett johansson #scarjo #celebrity fanfic

[stillfrownyclownlol]

Ft. One of my fave Logan panels (sorry I did you so dirty HE HAS GOOD PANELS THIS IS JUST FUNNY-)

This is purely for myself at this point because I don't think anybody ships them on tumblr asdfghjkl-

Some of my thoughts under the cut lol

I'm gonna keep it real with you guys. Idk why I ship this, there's like. No reason LMAO.

like Tyler is shitty with him (he is kind of shitty with everybody but that's besides the point)

But idk, idk. Any of you guys become friends with your "bully"? Like that *kinda* happened with me (and looking back he was definitely into me lmao) and I think that's an interesting dynamic to work with :)

They overcompensate to make up for the fact that they were mean to you but all it does is just remind you that they WERE mean when you just want to move on from that. And the wound is still fresh, scarred over and itching. And they just won't stop picking at the scab.

And you're just sitting there, wondering why you're thinking so much about somebody who has been so cruel to you.

(This is *definitely* not based on my life)

I think Logan thinks a lot about how Tyler is "right". He is (physically) weak, he is emotional, but there's nothing really wrong with that. And he is getting stronger (for better or worse...) for his own reasons outside of Tyler :>

And Tyler can see that, he admires Logan's skills and praises him (and he gets upset when Logan tries to downplay it). But...Tyler is extremely self-punishing. He will always, always, always resent a small part of himself for making Logan feel that way. And Logan can see that, but what is he going to say? That it didn't hurt? That it didn't matter? He can't, because it did. Logan is SO FULL of resentment, that boy is bottling up sooooo many feelings of rage, it's crazy (he just like me). I love him :).

So in my head, they are less "scary alpha guardian boyfriend x uwu soft cinnamon boi" and more like "you have a great earthly power over me, but please, please, grant me mercy, grant me your forgiveness" :P

I think I just accidentally projected a lot of religious trauma onto them lmao (expect, eventually, some ship art with religious symbolism undertones)

Have mercy upon me, Oh God, according to thy loving kindness; according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. -Psalm 51:1

#sbg #school bus graveyard webtoon #school bus graveyard #sbg (webtoon) #tyler x logan #idk the ship nameeee

[nexility-sims]

𝐍𝐎. 𝟓   ❛ 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐛𝐲𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐦𝐚 ❜   |   NAKAWE PALACE, DEC. 1990

❧  𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬  /  𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭.

   ❛  Priscila’s career had taken her all over the world before she retired to Uspana. Here, she was just Prissy again—or, in the papers, Princess P. Mending her relationship with Beatriz had been uneven; it remained incomplete to this day. Reconnecting with her sister’s children, adults as they were, was itself in some cases painstaking and in others a pleasure. With Safya, it had been easy. She even suspected Beatriz resented what closeness they cultivated. It wasn’t, of course, because she and her daughter were ever distant. No, it was more simple than that: Beatriz was a possessive creature. That it was her little sister taking something of hers (on shopping trips, to the beach, for a late-night movie in a theater they rented out just to sit in the middle in their pajamas) made it worse. “Mama understands me,” Safya had told Prissy once. “She loves me. Sometimes I don’t know if she likes me.” This had made her laugh, and Safya fell into nervous chuckles in response. Finally, Prissy nodded heartily, replying, “We’re the same in that way, Safy.”

𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭 ↓

❧ alfonso’s death will happen in part iv of the main story, a million years from now, but here’s a taste of beatriz being destroyed by it :^) additionally, no real prose today. having a remarkably bad one. maybe next week. [insert me shrugging so hard i dislocate both of my shoulders]

TRANSCRIPT:

{Miscellaneous cooking noises}

[P] Have you tried the cookies?

[L] What? I, uh … No.

[P] I told Olalla they wouldn’t help—on the telephone, while she was baking—but she was in a frenzy. No stopping her.

[L] I can’t …It’s …They were mama’s—

[P] Her favorites, I know.

[P] Not a bittersweet reminder yet. Just bitter

[L] {Sighs.}

[L] I didn’t know you were here already.

[P] Birdie always pretends I’m not. I decided to let her this time.

[L] It doesn’t feel very good.

[P] What, is that how you feel? Ignored?

[L] I waited all morning for her. She walked right past me ... I just don’t know what to do with myself.

[P] Of course. It feels like the end of the world.

[P] You know, that isn’t fully a bad thing. The People wouldn’t exist if the world had not ended—and ended, and ended, and ended. We’re destroyed, and we become something new to survive. 

[P] The last time this happened ... Mama, I would think. That destroyed me. For Birdie, this is worse. This is like when papa died. 

[L] I just thought we would be together. Now, her and me. She hasn’t even looked at me since we saw mama at the marina. 

[P] You’re not getting any comfort from her, Nora. You know that. 

[P] You don’t need to beg her for it either. You have an entire family that will comfort you. I’m here. Your grandfather. The rest of them. Just let things run their course.

[L] I know that. It just ... doesn’t make it hurt any less.

[P] It rarely does.

[P] Now, how about some coffee? That’s what everyone comes in here for.

[L] Sal’s self-serve station. That is what I wanted, before … 

[P] We’ll skip the cookies and save our appetites for dinner.

#ts4 story #sims story #sims 4 story #ts4 royalty #royal sims #simblr #ts4 legacy #1992.story.post #1992.a1 #yes i noticed something is missing #no i am not fixing it 😭 use ur imaginations #1992.ep01

[buffyspeak]

one of my least favorite book-to-screen changes in thg is a really specific moment between gale and peeta, where peeta is expressing that they should kill him or at least give him something to do it himself with because he can’t control himself and will be a hindrance to the mission.

in the movie, gale says, “i’ll kill you myself before that happens,” in response to peeta saying he needs a nightlock pill so he can die when he needs to - aka, before he gets triggered and tried to kill katniss again. gale’s response in the movie is obviously and exclusively a confirmation that he will kill peeta if it means protecting katniss. which is true enough to his character, but i think fundamentally misinterprets the scene in mockinjay, the book.

in the book, while it’s true that he’s insistent for a while on them leaving him because he’s a danger, when it’s pointed out to him that people from the capital could find him, he is Terrified of that. he says something like, “maybe you think it’s kinder to just dump me somewhere, but that’s as good as leaving me in the hands of the capital.”

and gale’s response is, “i’ll kill you before that happens. i promise.”

and! in another story, in another world, maybe just in a different interaction in this world, this would maybe be a threat, but this is gale showing peeta a kindness! a morbid one, to be sure, but a kindness all the same. he knows what it is to prefer to die over being trapped in the custody of the capital, knows what they did to peeta, and unlike before, when he was too wrapped up in his rage and grief and anger to see the horrible position peeta was in when filming the capital’s props, he is able to extend him this one courtesy. it’s the “i promise” that really gets me because it’s, again, a very morbid but still real display of comfort, of friendship that’s never really between them but that he is able to display here. (it's also a parallel to earlier in the book, when he callously asks katniss if she wants him to kill a hijacked peeta for her, because even though hijacked peeta is so different from his old self, so cruel in some ways in that moment, it disturbs her that gale would offer this because he's still a person. but in this scene, gale isn't saying this callously or to be cruel or out of jealousy. he is saying it because he understands peeta's fear and knows it's not unfounded.)

and i guess this change maybe bothers me because it speaks to a certain fandom rhetoric (and the promotion of the films didn’t really help on this front) that gale and peeta, like. hate each other when they… just don’t?

don’t get me wrong, there are some mutual resentments between them that we see in catching fire and especially in mockingjay, and katniss is right in saying they’re not friends, with gale criticizing him for the capital propos and a hijacked peeta more obviously displaying a callous kind of jealousy that he’s never quite expressed all that much, at least vocally, before. (the closest he got was in catching fire, when he asked katniss if she really only kissed gale once.)

but also. peeta defends gale at the whipping post, helps to carry him back, and offers to watch him so that katniss can rest. and yes, maybe those are both things he does for katniss (though i would actually argue i think he would’ve helped gale even without katniss there at the whipping post). gale helps peeta and haymitch and katniss train with snares and traps, and after, in what i think is one of the most interesting things to note about their dynamic, laments that “it would be better if he were easier to hate.” and that's the whole goddamn point, isn't it? katniss even laughs and says, "tell me about it," lamenting that she couldn't just hate and discard him in the first arena. peeta includes gale in the locket reminding katniss why she needs to live. gale plays real or not real with peeta, and tells him things about their shared, destroyed District Twelve that he doesn’t really remember. he gets peeta water in the middle of the night since he’s restrained and can't get it for himself.

and he promises to kill peeta before the capital can take him, knowing why peeta would consider that the more merciful thing. he's even the one who eventually does give peeta his own nightlock pill. and peeta expresses concern for him, too, in case he needs it, but gale assures him he's got his own detonating arrows and katniss herself if he needs a quick mercy kill.

and yes, a lot of those things are at least partly for katniss, but the point is also that they’re there, these kindesses are there, that people aren’t simply violent, malicious monsters, the way that the games are intended to convince people of. even between two boys who love the same girl and don’t really know what to do about it, who somewhat resent each other for it, there is still the capacity for kindness, for understanding.

and it just bothers me, i guess, because while those other small moments are important, gale’s promise here is one of the few kindnesses between them that doesn’t really have much to do with katniss - who, even knowing how lost and unstable and potentially dangerous to the mission and she herself is, can’t even pay lip service to the idea that she’ll kill peeta if it comes to it. she shows she could do it if she has to, she almost does when the mutts are approaching and peeta is whispering her name along with them in his sleep -but she can’t provide him the comfort of saying it, wondering privately if it's because she cares about him or because she's using him in her own private Game against Snow - but gale can. and gale does.

and it just bothers me, even though it’s such a small moment, because despite gale and peeta’s many, many differences, it is one of the few moments of genuine understanding and camaraderie we see between them, finally unmarred or complicated by their mutual feelings for katniss.

#suicide mention // #kinda #thg #the hunger games #peeta mellark #gale hawthorne #thg meta #really this is a word salad that maybe doesn't make much sense #i just have a lot of feelings about the dynamic between peeta and gale. actually. #peeta and gale #katniss everdeen

[telomeke]

Current Tag Game

Tagged by @colourme-feral in this post – thanks dearie! 💖

Current time: 9:59am (when I started this! it's now much later but I'm not gonna re-write...).

Current activity: Had a work deadline last night so tidying up the aftermath (deleting unwanted files, etc.).

Currently thinking about: How the project submission for work went. Annoyed that I skipped gym this morning just in case there were last minute changes to the project submission and we'd have to re-submit today; but now that's not needed I'm missing legs day. Also thinking about munching on something extra because breakfast was too light (hardboiled eggs, grapes and blueberries – all originally meant as a post-swim snack, re-purposed to become breakfast since gym was canceled). Maybe fry up an omelet and sausages, or grill some salmon? 😋 Or shall I just munch on some creamy Whittaker's milk chocolate since lunch will be soon and anything heavier might spoil it? 🤔  

Current favorite song: I don't know if they qualify as favorites, but songs will enter my brainspace and then swirl around in there for a while, refusing to leave. So I'm constantly listening to them (on YouTube, not Spotify; don't have a smartphone) and/or singing along in an effort to exorcise the earworm. At the moment the playlist in my head is:

I Don't Think That I Like Her Anymore (Charlie Puth)  Charlie constantly amazes me with his superhuman ability to churn out catchy melodic turns and unusual aural takes on percussion sounds for his backing rhythms (e.g., the light switch in Light Switch). This song continues with his quirky stylings, and I'm loving the pounding bass coming in to frame the heavyweight sock-it-ta-ya message of the song's chorus after the light plaintive vocals of the introductory and intervening verses. The second (melodic) line of the chorus ("Cause they're all the same") is so simple and yet so perfectly fitting after the bold hook of the first line – I find myself asking each time I hear it how could anything else ever fit better? And then it builds and builds to a big finish, at the end of each chorus and also at the end of the song – that key change from B Major to C# Major is quite a genius step, retro yet so fresh. (But still... C sharp? 👀 OK if your electronic thingamajig can auto-transpose but hell on a trad keyboard.) I know this song is from a year ago but I'm not simply wallowing in nostalgia (oh all right, so yes I am a bit) – there is nonetheless a BL connection that first got me hooked on this. The cast of my current fave I Feel You Linger in the Air did their own take on the TikTok Kpop dance challenge of this song (linked here, with other TikToks here) and they're just so cute dancing along. Nonkul attempts a little elbow jab in homage to the original choreo, while Bright gives up after a couple of bars and just goes on doing alternating wrist twirls like those you sometimes see in Southeast Asian dance… 🤣 Alee and Tian seem like they're having fun, as does Attila, but who knew Khun Robert could actually look this good, all goofy and charming when he smiles doing a silly little jig?

‌

All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)  Ever since Ms. Mariah broke her icy containment after Halloween (see this video here 😂) I've been singing along, getting in the mood for carols, fruitcake and Christmas decorations because it reminds me of time spent with (departed) family. Happy because those are happy times worth recalling, but also bittersweet because those loved ones are no longer around.

‌

One of Your Girls (Troye Sivan)  While I tend to feel a pinch of resentment whenever Aussies of European origin seem to get opportunities in the West more easily than non-white people do, I have to remind myself it's the system and not the talent that is at fault. So credit where credit is due and I'm a fan of what Troye has done with this and his earlier releases (like his video with PP Krit 😃😍). One of Your Girls is just so beautiful and languid as it teases with its message, and consistently Troye is breathtakingly beautiful and languid in the video, teasing us with an offering of the forbidden. I'm feeling things I never thought I would. 😮 The choreography is pretty daring too. (Especially that crotch flare – where did they tuck the dangly bits? I'm wincing as I watch.) Also shout-out to all the different representation with the models. 😍

‌

Then I'm Gonna Give You Up (Rick Astley)  This is Rick Astley spoofing Rick Astley (more explanation linked here) and just so funny. Especially since the original song is already iconic on Tumblr.

‌

Fast Car (Luke Combs)  Another nostalgia trip, this is an absolutely stellar rendition of the already phenomenal original by Tracy Chapman. Almost like Marc Cohn's Walking in Memphis with its sense of urgency and of bottled emotions about to explode, maybe just a shade less of Marc's full-throated growl in Luke's voice, but earthshaking nonetheless. In these 21st century times (and in my corner of the world where BL and queer rep cross my dash all the time) I love that Luke (a married man with a wife and two kids, looking for all we know like the straightest of the hets) didn't change Tracy's line "So I work in the market as a checkout girl", paying homage to the original and smashing at the gender-obsessives everywhere in a quietly powerful way.

‌

Currently reading: My language study textbooks; not much time for anything else though I do miss having a good work of fiction to keep me company whenever the slate of Thai drama dips in quality.

Currently watching: I Feel You Linger in the Air – a really impressive work, solidly-grounded in its universe with overhanging familial, social and political intrigue that threatens to overshadow (but never really does) the chemistry between Khun Yai and Jom.

I've fallen in hard love with this and just hope that Tee Bundit will display the wisdom associated with his name (for those as linguistically-obsessed as I am, Bundit is the homologue for pundit in English, pandit in Hindi and pendita in Malay) and wrap up the finale with more finesse than he has done on his other shows. (Something tells me though that the sense of foreboding you get while watching IFYLITA is partly due to the dread that Tee is going to rush and stumble through the last bits, leaving viewers less than satisfied with the ending like he did with Lovely Writer, Hidden Agenda and Step by Step.) However this goes, I'm a new fan of Nonkul and Bright's acting, and can't wait to see more of them.

As to what else I'm watching – I'm still trying to finish Only Friends, if only to be able to say that I've finally watched a Jojo show all the way to the end. It's not for me, though it has some moments that shine (like Neo's performance, and all the shirtless scenes) but I struggle to find anything that satisfies on a more cerebral level. I'm not opposed to sensuality and messy drama being foregrounded over more intellectual underpinnings (all hail KinnPorsche) but for me it doesn't go earthy and raw enough to make up for whatever else it doesn't do.

Current favorite character: Pat and Pran from Bad Buddy will always be on this list, but because I'm currently enjoying IFYLITA I'm sure I've been visited by Por Jom, Khun Yai, Khun Ueangphueng, Ba Prik, Ming and Khun James in my dreams lately (and also a certain racing piglet 🤣).

Current WIP: All in my head, but I have a final wrap-up post on Bad Buddy locations percolating, as well as one on the graphics in the show (that give us hints of Pat and Pran's interior worlds).

Tagging names I've seen more than once cross my dash and/or notes:

@neuroticbookworm @airenyah @alexis-mika @belladonna-and-the-sweetpeas @wen-kexing-apologist @twig-tea @pandasmagorica @respectthepetty @dribs-and-drabbles @waitmyturtles @dimplesandfierceeyes @writerwithoutsound @bengiyo @grapejuicegay @lamonnaie @lurkingshan @callipigio @italianpersonwithashippersheart @recentadultburnout @kattahj @theheightofdishonor @fiddlepickdouglas @dc-alves @brazilian-whalien52 @slayerkitty @silvercrystal1 @dudeyuri @ranchthoughts @suni-san @chawarin-panich @lurkingteapot @solitaryandwandering

and anyone else who'd like to play. 😍 Apologies if you've already been tagged; point me to your post if so! And apologies if I've forgotten to mention anyone; if I follow or if you follow me please know you are loved and do play along if you wish! 💖

Also a special tag carved out for the lovely @visualtaehyun as a part-apology; you've tagged me before on a couple of other games and I wrote out about half of my replies – but then work deadlines became urgent and got in the way. Ruefully I had to abandon those posts (especially since they're now weeks out of date). So this is my way of saying thanks for tagging me on those tag games, sorry for not replying, and I hope you'll play along with this one because I love getting to know like-minded people on Tumblr! 💖

#tag game #current tag game #YouTube

[phantomram-b00]

Imma use my hottake post to explain it since I felt I should give more context with this take to explain myself why I have this opinion on the topic of this.

For those who don’t know or don’t wanna look back with the link, it basically that my hottake is that I don’t like the theory of what Crowley’s angel name was/could’ve been. I know this might be a bit controversial since I think everyone in this fandom (not to assume ofc), and whilst I get the curiously since Crowley almost never talk about his time over at heaven, mostly for valid reason that I’ll get to. Before I get into this, I know it been month but I wanna still give that this haunted blog/post does contain heavy spoilers so if your planning to watch good omens or haven’t seen season two yet go watch it and come back here, or you can still read— what can I say, I’m only a phantom that have lot to say about good omens and making it everyone else’s problem. But still spoiler warning ahead! So without further or do,

let get into it and talk about our favorite snake demon and a good old fashion lover boy/girl/enby—

So, okay, seeing Angel Crowley, that’s cool and honestly wholesome— despite the poor trauma he’s going to endure and will sauntered vaguely downward for. I remember hearing the theory about how his name could be Raphael, seen some AO3 tags of Crowley used to be Raphael or just people buzzing what his name could’ve been (even some saying it could be Castiel or Cassiel). And while the curiously of it all is cool, for a while I couldn’t really pin it at first as to why I personally didn’t like it. And Idk if that make be boring or a bitch for not wanting to know, it just to me, I felt why does it matter if Crowley himself don’t even want to remember about his time at heaven?

Sure season 2 when he didn’t even say it might have been what spiked it, but i think the whole point about him is the fact that he clearly moved on from it. Does he still hold resentment? Of course, why wouldn’t he be? And from unfair circumstances too:

But, as we’ve seen from most of the flashback, he moved on from it. He using hell as long as he can (lonely? Yep, which is a perfect parallel to how Aziraphale following heaven—), he doesn’t want to remember the angel he is before, he even said it to Aziraphale when he tried to stop him from killing Job’s kids. But I think of how he’s dealt with is how his trauma grew seeing how he doesn’t want to be considered nice or kind; I feel it goes deeper than just because he’s a demon now, I believe (and this is just my observation), he rather not remember the kinder side he was once before because of how the “light” casted him away and how heaven runs things. So why would he want to be associated with those word when it remind him of his time, he rather not remember it (or in a case run away from heaven as much as he can), he rather associate himself from being mean or remember himself as a demon now rather than an angel he once was. (Even though, he is very kind and I wish to hug him. Don’t start-).

Plus, he more comfortable with his new name now, that’s why he even changed it back at the flashback of the crucifixion of Jesus as his named used to be Crawly (which honestly real.) and changed it to Crowley (now technically he changed it again to Anthony J Crowley, but we hardly heart anyone even Aziraphale say it outside from the blitz flashback, so I kinda wanna count it but I’mma not just incase, but I like the name tho-), and since then, he’ve wore that name proudly and never look back, and Aziraphale an ally he is suppose him and call him by his prefer name. That is him saying “I’m not whoever I was before, so I’m going to change my name to move on from my past”, and honestly I stand, I love the fact he want to move on from his time as an angel/move away from his deadname to be the person he is today, proud of the wily serpent ^v^

“But phantom, that still doesn’t explain why you dislike it?”

You’re right, it still doesn’t so imma explain it a bit more, I just feel it shouldn’t matter what his name was, it really up to his (or Neil’s but this is Crowley we’re talking about) own terms, it him that should be able to say his deadname. And if it never reveal, I wouldn’t care since Good Omens from both season shown, Crowley moved on from his angelic past even if he have the grudges he have now after 6000 years he rather accepts his life now and hopefully with the Angel that have supported him and stood by him. And I know the finally is making it seem like Azirapahel want to change him, but like I said here that I don’t think that the case, I don’t think he would ever want him to revert back to the person he was once before, he could never ask Crowley to do such a thing knowing the progress he made. Like I said and will say again, I think this was Azirapahle (in a poor way given the situation and that their communication is the equivalent of a ghost (invisible as fuck)) to give Crowley a change to fix the broken and toxic system heaven been running on since the dawn of time, to give Crowley the chance to fix what need to be fixed with Aziraphale, and Crowley said no, and I think rightly so in his point of view, heaven did treated everyone especially Crowley poorly and is the main source of his trauma, so I’m happy he said no, it not his place to fix the one thing that in his eyes was broken and have always been. So good jobs Crowley for standing your grounds.

But I’m getting ahead of myself, my point is that, Crowley have moved on and it shouldn’t matter what his deadname was, I think we should all respect that when it come to not just his but everyone’s deadname. Crowley clearly doesn’t have to remember his time on heaven, and I gotta respect that. Because if I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t neither if I was a bit braver than he was.

“But phantom what if it was revealed anyway?”

Again I wouldn’t care, like the commenter said (I don’t know how they feel about tagging so I won’t just to be respectful) and I do agree, if it had to be revealed it should be on his own terms. And I do agree, it is up to Crowley, he should be able to say it as it could garner the impactful moment, especially if he does say like “I’m not *this name* anymore” or whatever he’ll say in season 3, (which please let it be greenlit, I’m begging atp).

And honestly, I don’t doubt it really, it seem it might be revealed, which, fine, this is Neil’s work so gotta respect. Just I hope it on his term, and that no one else say it, I don’t even want aziraphale to say it. Just him. He deserve it.

But that’s my take on it. That’s my spew on this. Might be boring or lame to not be curious, but honestly like I said, he’ve going down a path away from heaven and accepted what happen to him. May not be in a healthiest way but regardless I love this demon and I am happy he moved on and I can’t wait to see him again in season 3, David Tennant a perfect Crowley and I wouldn’t have it any other way ^v^

But I hope you enjoy my yet another insane ramble of this show, frankly this show is becoming my life atp and I don’t hate it. I love this show, it my comfort, I’m happy to have this show; if you want to ask me any other questions you can in the AMA box or comments, but also tell me what do you guys think of this theory? Do you love it? Have qualms with it? Or anything? Tell me in the comments or reblog. As always this is phantom, imma go haunt somewhere else.

#antony j crowley #anthony j crowley #crowley is so gender #angel crowley #good omens crowley #crowley needs a hug #crowley good omens #I love this character #not because I’m aziraphale atp #okay maybe a little #but shhhh #crowley is a snake #crowley #azirowley #Aziracrow #ineffable husbands #good omens #good omens 2 #good omens fandom #good omens season 2 #good old fashioned lover boy #good omens theory #good omens discussion #hottake #no nuance november #no nightingales #we could have been us #please I want them together they made me believe in love #I want to make a post about ineffable husband and why they my comfort ship maybe one day

[justmeandmyrandomthoughts]

Reasons to forgive people, so you can move on and feel better

• Hurting them back will not heal your pain

• The only person who is suffering from your anger, resentment, hate, sadness and jealousy is you. You are the one who is feeling these negative emotions all over again, which will drain you and also lower your vibration

• Resentment can cause health issues not only mentally but also physically. Our negative emotions (when we don’t let them go) stay stuck in our bodies which can cause diseases and disconnection to your body

• through forgiveness you are capable to release old emotions and move from the past away

• by not forgiving people, you will constantly remind yourself of the past and the old story of you being hurt. Putting yourself in this victim state will block your manifestations of having a new and better life because you constantly repeat the same cycle again of feeling hurt and helpless

• Just because you forgave them it does not mean that their actions are justified or you are letting them walk all over you. Keep your boundaries up, keep them away from you if that is what feels right. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean welcoming them back into your life

• By not forgiving them, you are internalising and personalising their behaviour. Remember that people will only treat you as good as they are capable of. In the end of the day, their behaviour has nothing to do with your personally, it rather reflects who they are and how much they have grown mentally and emotionally. Mentally and Emotionally immature people are not able to treat people the way they should be because they simply lack the capability to do so

• Karma is real. What goes around will come around eventually. You don’t have to get your hands dirty because god will handle it all

• with that being said, keep your head high, you didn’t deserve what they did to you but that doesn’t mean that you should become just like them and act the same way, you will only lower yourself and this will harm you the most in the end of the day

Here is my favourite forgiveness affirmation:

,,I forgive you for not being the way, that I wanted you to be. I set you free”

this really makes me realise that I cannot control other people’s actions and behaviour and resenting someone for not being the way I wanted them to be will only hurt me and not them because that is simply who they are. By letting them free, I also free myself from the burden of keeping all these negative feelings inside of me

#girlblogging #healing #self love #manifestation #self healing #high value mindset #manifesting #love #self care #manifesting love #forgiveness #i forgive you #forgive people #detachment mindset #positive mindset

[reimeichan]

I rewatched Shang-Chi recently, as one of my partners hadn't seen it yet and it's one of my favorite movies to rewatch when I can. It's no Everything Everywhere All At Once, but it was still a piece of Asian-American (and more specifically, Chinese-American) film that impacted me and holds a lot of importance to me. There's so much in that movie that I could go on and on about in relation to myself: the feeling othered in both the US and in Asian countries, the specific Asian American culture which is neither White American nor is it "Homeland" Asia culture but something that's both and neither, the trauma of never being good enough, loving and resenting your sibling.......

One line that stuck out to me in this particular rewatch, however, was when Ying Nan (Michelle Yeoh's character) looks at her nephew and says, "You are a product of all who came before you.... You are your mother. And whether you like it or not, you are also your father." And that's so powerful, for a movie written in the West but by those from the Asian diaspora. Many Western movies would have had a line about how you're not your parents, you're your own person with your own life and destiny that you get to define yourself. And Asian culture tends to focus on respecting and carrying on you family's legacy and tradition. But here... in the context of this movie, I see both having their place. Shang-Chi has to learn how to take that legacy from both of his parents and make it his own.

And I love that. He doesn't get to run away and leave his past behind. And I don't just mean his past and his life's history, I mean also that of his parents. Because family history and family culture absolutely colored his life and is an influence on who he is today. His father's traumas and history as a warlord, and his mother's past where she had to leave her village, are both things that affected him and shaped him even though they were things that happened before he was even born. And by acknowledging that these pieces of his family's history are a part of him and his own narrative about himself, he can truly finally accept himself and create something new and wonderful from that.

Just.... god. It's such a struggle, as an Asian-American who was hurt and abused and traumatized by my parents, to try to figure all that out. "I don't want to be like my parents", I tell myself. But I constantly see parts of them in me. I have my father's jaw and my mother's eyes. I love physics because my father nurtured that in me since I was a child, as he was a physics professor himself. I'm a musician because my mother's a singer and loves music herself. I have a tendency to avoid my problems and not get confrontational like my father. I yell and throw things around when I'm angered like my mother. I can't escape the influence both of them had in my life, even though I no longer live with them.

And even if could get rid of everything that reminds me of them, where does that leave me? What parts of my Asian heritage do I reject in the process? Do I change my last name to distance myself even more? What could I even change it to?

No... I think for me, the most empowering thing has been accepting that my parents' traumas, and their parents' traumas, and all the traumas that came before them, all have a place in the narrative I tell about my own life. Acknowledging that these things did happen and did and still do have an affect on my life has been so important in my healing journey. No, I'm not saying their individual traumas are my traumas. But... their traumas affected how they treated me, which in turn gave me my own traumas. And I can look at that part of my history, my family's histories, and make it my own.

#asian american #chinese american #shang chi #generational trauma #trauma #mental health #by green #by gray

[thousand-winters]

Gonna send two more asks actually. 5 and 6 for the toh thing

5. Favorite platonic relationship?

Okay, I'm gonna have two different answers for this.

You know Dadrius has my heart and soul. Literally over here thinking and discussing Darius and Hunter's dynamic every single day of my life for more than a year already. There's just a lot with them, the problem is that while they do have a lot, it's mostly implied, and we absolutely can deduce some things, theorize others, and run absolutely wild with parallels, symbolism and this and that, but truth is we didn't see too much of them actually onscreen. So they're my favorite platonic relationship that didn't get too much time to develop in front of the audience even if it's very well implied they did.

Special mention to Darius and Eberwolf for the same reasons, lots implied, not much onscreen because we did not have the time.

Now, for the ones we actually had time on the show for...

I think the reasonable thing would be to say the Owl Trio, and while I do love them dearly, I honestly don't tend to seek out art or such with them? I think I'm gonna have to say Lilith and Eda.

I'm just... once again, I don't really talk a lot about Lilith despite how much I love her, but she's there. She's being microwaved in my head. She's rotating. She's under my microscope. She's everything to me.

That, coupled with the fact that you put a complicated siblings relationship in media and you got me, makes it so Eda and Lilith are just fascinating to me. Yeah, perhaps the transition from them being technically enemies to allies and friends again was a little clumsy, but honestly? That sort of feels right when it comes to, again, complicated relationships with siblings.

Honestly, part of why they interested me so much in the first place is because there are aspects of Lilith I see myself in, a LOT. And Eda, well, sort of reminds me of my sister. My sister even pointed it out while we watched. It's a whole thing. We are not talking about it /lh

It's just... gods, so damn interesting, especially when you consider Lilith's side of things, there's so much love and jealousy and resentment and guilt toward Eda, it's such a mess that comes out in the worst and in the best of ways. Because she has all the information on why things happened like they did, her point of view during their relationship especially in season 1 has so many layers, while for Eda it might feel a little puzzling but there's so much about why Lilith acts like she does that she just doesn't understand. So much miscommunication, so much love, so much vitriol at the same time.

They're SO good. Their little scene in King's Tide with them holding hands with their foreheads touched together, Lilith worried sick for Eda and Eda trying to joke to lighten the mood kills me every time.

6. A character you didn't expect to love? What made you start liking them?

The Collector too, actually.

I think for the Collector there's a lot of "well, in hindsight...", because they did seem far more vicious and dangerous than they actually were in that one memory in Hollow Mind, plus they seem somewhat nonchalant in King's Tide as well.

But For the Future truly opens up that perspective, it took me a while to warm up to them even so but I think in retrospective, the way they behaved makes so much sense for the fact that... he's just a kid. A kid trying to act how he has seen adults around him act, a kid that sees someone they want to know and be friends with so badly and the circumstances are SO bad but he's a kid!!! And to a certain point he doesn't get it.

He's just a kid...

I love the Collector so much now. You can tell they were also feeling all the guilt in the world during Watching and Dreaming with that one "you can at least do this" while Belos' curse was all over him and extending over his body, like... baby, no... 😭

4. Favorite romantic relationship?

This was always here, shhhh.

Ultimately I don't think too much about the couples of the show, even though they're in general so good, but I think it's definitely Lumity for me.

In part because of the impact they had, because inevitably, if someone sort of knows about TOH but doesn't really, they sure know about Lumity. But that's more of a general answer rather than a personal one so.

I just think they're so sweet, and so well done. I truly was not expecting their relationship to actually end up being a romantic one when I was watching Season 1, but I'm so glad it did. I think they did such a good job in writing them going from sort of frenemies to friends, to Amity crushing on Luz, to the crush being mutual and them pining for one another, to the nervous first steps of dating to the point we end up seeing them in, just comfortable and loving each other just as much.

There's a lot of relationships in media that become a thing just right at the end so we don't see them develop like that and I love that they got that, I love how real it is for them to have the nervous stages even while already girlfriends and to see how time made them be more natural and comfortable with each other, because of course that happens! And Luz in Thanks to Them was keeping secrets, of course, but even then you could see they were already comfortable, not so much sweating profusely every time they saw each other or anything, it started being just tender and intimate and sweet.

Lumity is just so damn good. I love Raeda and I love them too for being people in their 40s being such messes in love, they're special in a different way but I like Lumity just a little bit more.

From this ask game!

#the owl house #toh #ask games

[graysonshmayson]

pairing - none

summary - basically dick has a secret reddit account where he vagues in the AITA forum about his family issues. inspired by tim's reddit chronicles by @batposts but they deleted their account :( RIP i'll love u forever, spleen guy

warnings - no warnings apply

wordcount - 6,826

a/n- very little editing but fun i promise. check out the whole thing on ao3! or read it on here. i guess.

AITA for resenting my little brother?

So first, a little background. I (M19) was taken in (not ever legally adopted, but that's another story) when I was 9 by my dad (M38) after my parents died. His parents also died when he was a kid, so he was able to help me a lot with my anger issues after it happened and find my place in the world. One of the main ways he did that was by letting me help with the family business. He initially didn’t want me involved because I was too young, but I was stubborn and made a whole position for myself that I worked really hard for. I’d like to think that eventually, he saw me not just as a son, but as a partner. But by the time I was 18, I felt like he was far too controlling and still saw me as a kid. I felt that I wasn’t respected as an equal, and it started to cause a bunch of fights until eventually I had enough and left. I moved in with some friends and we started our own business. I completely reinvented myself just to stop getting associated with him and make a name for my own. 

We didn’t talk for a long time, until I finally caved and started helping out with family stuff here and there, but it's still tense. Then, not even a YEAR after I left, I went back to the house and found a random child in the home. He adopted another kid (who literally looks like me too?) without asking or even telling me. I know it's not like I need to give him permission to adopt a child, but I wish he’d at least talked to me about it, you know? But by the time I met the kid, J (M10), the paperwork had already been finalized and I had a little brother. The real kicker is that he had taken my position in the family business. The one that I made myself to help mourn the loss of my murdered parents? Anyway, so my dad, who has the emotional intelligence of packing peanuts, barely said anything about my new brother. No apologies for replacing him in my position or anything. He just explained J’s background which is, admittedly, rough. And I really feel bad for not liking him because he’s a good kid and he really does look up to me and wants to spend time with me as brothers, but every time I see him I can’t help but be reminded by how my dad replaced me in business and in his life. I was even told that my dad almost gave him my old room (we’re very well off and have plenty of extra rooms). I’m not exactly mad at the kid, but so many of his little comments about what my dad does with him that he didn’t want to do with me hurts. Am I the asshole?

#dick grayson #nightwing #batman #reddit #tim's reddit chronicles #spleen guy #jason todd #robin #red hood #dc comics #batfamily #my fic

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not reconnecting with my brother?

I (21x) have a really complicated relationship with my brother (18m), not helped by the fact we both live with our mom right now. He’s had a really hard time in his life, with having anger issues, ADHD, what we both suspect is NPD, and our family being. Dysfunctional at best and neglectful/borderline emotionally abusive at worse. We both know that our family wasn’t particularly good for us, but we have pretty different approaches on how to deal with it/how we feel like it’s effected us.

This is where some of my (100% AH) behavior comes in- I was incredibly cruel to him as a young teen (12ish) and basically belittled him and pushed him away at every opportunity. We used to be intense but loving with each other and I feel like I took that and made him feel like he couldn’t love or trust me (which he’s told me himself multiple times). I know I failed him as an older sibling and I hold so much regret and shame for not nurturing him into all the good he held (and still does).

Where it gets rocky is our current relationship. I hate to say this and I’ve never said it to his face, but I feel like the roles have completely swapped. He talks over and down to me, gets incredibly upset when I won’t drop everything for him (I won’t get into it bc this would turn into a long vent but he once got legitimately mad at me for days for not giving up my bed and bedroom for him out of nowhere because he didn’t want to be in his anymore). He’s called me every cruel name under the sun, and when I fight back or our fights get ugly, he reminds me it’s all my fault he’s like this because I ruined our relationship. I’ve tried to heal from my own separate trauma and mend our family situation but whenever I talk to him it’s like I regress into a fawning doormat who never challenges the way he absolutely steps over me and puts me down (my friends have talked to me about this and have come down a lot harsher than me, so I’m borrowing their words because I can’t let go of the fact he’s not. Wrong to be this upset with me- I’m a victim of emotional abuse in my own right and I know how it feels to be wrapped in fear and hate and don’t hold it against him that he’s been hurt by me).

I’ve wanted to be a better sibling for a long time, and since about 16 I’ve made a conscious effort to shelf my pent up resentment and hurt emotions to try to always understand him and give him space to be upset, plus always taking the step to reconcile and apologize for my part to play in arguments. I refuse to call him any of the horrible names I used to (bare minimum I know, but I’ve really worked to diffuse that anger and make sure everything I say isnt an attack on him personally and only ever touches oh his current actions) and I try every diffusing move in the book with only framing my feeling as mine and not reflective of who he is and how I want to know his feelings so we can work to understand each other and move past the proboem. But he still treats me like an unstable, untrustworthy bitch who “emotionally manipulates him” by breaking down crying when he calls me names and tells me I’m stupid and he’s above my level of intellectual thought and rationale (I wish I was joking but he has directly said this, almost word for word).

I’m at a big crossroads. I want to keep trying to show him I love him and want him in my life, but it feels like he’s given up on me. If he truly has, I think I have to accept it as part of my failures and shames, but he also tells me he wishes I spent more time with him and that he wants to have a relationship with me. AITA for trying not to engage with him anymore? I want to support him but when he treats me badly if makes me regress into anger and like I’m just digging myself deeper and I’m never going to be good enough to be part of his life. I don’t know what to do with myself and how to live around him when a conversation as small as asking him to do the dishes turns into him berating me for being a nagging stupid asshole.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Alright, ik it's been a little while but now it's time for room/character closeup #3

~Max & El's room~

Right off the bat I think it goes without saying their room is quite a bit more *fun* than some of the others; it was heavily inspired by the early s3 aesthetic (before everything went to shit that is), like when Max was helping El try out a new style, so I hope that shows in the colors and patterns I used for the wallpaper/rug/beds

(Also- this isn't character specific- it just makes me happy how the chair matches the wallpaper and the bedspread matches some of the colors in the posters)

Speaking of the posters

I remembered Max introducing El to comics at their sleepover (also s3) so I wanted to use posters that had that comic book/pop art feel to them, hence the pieces over the beds

Max is on the left. I felt like the sheer *attitude* it conveyed was something she would appreciate, that it suited her

El is on the right, and there's like a whole tangent to that one* but it's also another call-back to that s3 moment of Max showing El her comics and telling her who Wonder Woman is (listen I just really loved their dynamic and interactions in s3 ok)

*You might be wondering "duck why would you put a superheroine poster over El's bed are you really taking such a cliche/obvious approach with the decor here"

Listen babe. It's nuanced, okay?

First of all, yeah basically. I'm fine with being cliche. I do what I want and it fit the general vibe I was going for

But more importantly, remember how I mentioned in... one of the other notes posts for this au I honestly don't remember which one at this point- how a recurring theme here will be characters reclaiming things? At least I think I posted that, I know I wrote it down somewhere-

But anywho, yes, this is one of those instances

So I think, before now, El would have gotten to a point where she really resented "superheroes" -or more accurately, being compared to them

After everything. After being taken from her mother and having her childhood stolen from her in order to train her into a mini super soldier. After always having to be the strong one and fighting every battle. After always having to be the superhero for everyone else and still feeling like she can't ever seem to hit the bad guys hard enough to keep them down for good, to keep her friends safe. After having all those expectations and all that pressure on her for years when really she just wants to move on and be a normal kid and get to live her life

And yeah, maybe also after Mike's weak ass speech at the end of s4. I'd probably feel pretty icky if my boyfriend tried to encourage me by reminding me that my value comes from being a sword and shield rather than a person, if I kept getting put on this suffocating pedestal of always having to push myself to keep everyone else safe, and if I believed that was the very reason I was loved

[Don't take this the wrong way I love Michael Wheeler he's like a son to me but I do think that his and El's relationship was very unhealthy and that he didn't handle things very well]

So uh. Yeah. El hated superheroes for a little bit. I'm not sure when they put that poster up but it wasn't when they first moved in

However

After getting away from the place tied to so much of her trauma, so many of her burdens; after getting out of the situation that kept forcing her into the superhero role, I think her views on superheroes just as an objective, fictional concept would start to soften

And also I think the way Max handles it- treating her like she's awesome and strong and special but not dehumanizing her, trusting her but not pressuring her, encouraging her to be and embrace herself- that has something to do with it as well. It teaches her that she can be a superhero if she wants to be, but she doesn't have to. She does have superhuman abilities, but she herself gets to decide what, if anything, to do with them

When they all ditch Hawkins and move into the new house, El doesn't have to fight anymore. They've left the Upside Down and all its monsters, the empty lab and all its ghosts, behind them. For the first time in... well, pretty much her whole life, she doesn't have to fight, she doesn't have to use her powers, she doesn't have to play the hero. She gets to just... be a kid. A person

And everyone still loves her. Everyone still treats her like a part of the family, like she matters

So maybe she doesn't have to be a superhero. And maybe she doesn't have to hate them, either

But the concept is still something tied to her identity, something floating in the back of her mind; it's an identity in which she found value and strength, at a point in her life when she didn't really know who she was yet

So she still thinks about heroes. And she slowly comes to appreciate them in media, like the comic book heroes Max tells her about. Distinctly separate from herself and from her reality and past. From that safe distance away, they're admirable, captivating, impressive, compelling. And, yeah, maybe a little relatable

And... she finds that she's ok with that

She finds that she likes it, actually

Until eventually El has a strong appreciation for heroes, for their strength and what they stand for, because she understands them- but she doesn't have to be one of them anymore. Removed from the dangers and the expectations, she can see heroes- and herself- simply for what they are, instead of through that lens of pain and resentment and obligation

In the place she has found herself in life, she comes to terms with the fact that she is badass, she is important, she has value, and that those facts remain even when she isn't fighting anything

And in knowing it isn't required, that the people around her see her and love her for who she is rather than just what she can do, passively being likened to a hero doesn't feel so crushing anymore. Maybe she even starts to casually refer to herself as a hero from time to time, maybe jokingly, maybe ironically, maybe sarcastically, but deep down she does still feel that tie, that connection, in some ways- only now it doesn't hurt

And now she loves superheroes, enough to put one on her wall

[Btw, this whole analysis thing was heavily allegorical for my relationship with gender and I hope that shows. Superheroes=womanhood/femininity. If you get it you get it]

That ran away from me a little bit. Um. Moving right along, I guess

The third poster isn't that deep tbh I mostly picked it because it matched the wallpaper colors lol but I do think "good things are coming" would be a nice message to wake up to for two people who have been through so fucking much already at such a young age, remind them that they still have a wonderful life ahead of them despite the horrors in their past, y'know?

And then there's Max's skateboard, at the foot of her bed

It's symbolic it's important it matters that she brought it with her

She got hurt pretty damn badly at the end of s4, and nobody knew for sure if she was even going to survive, let alone whether she'd be able to skateboard again

But she did survive, and her body got pretty fucked up but she was in recovery, and maybe she'd never be quite the same again but she wasn't going to let that stop her, she wasn't going to give up

Her legs aren't as strong and her balance isn't as good as it used to be but she's determined to use that skateboard again no matter how many times she falls over relearning how to do it (and someone is always there to help her get back on her feet, if she wants them to. Yes it's Lucas how did you know)

Anyway I just think Max Mayfield is an incredibly strong brave person and she gets what she wants and what she wants in this case is to be the zoomer of the household

I don't suppose there's really much more to say about the room, so... guess that's a wrap for this one

#full house au #stranger things fanfic #stranger things headcanons #current wip #max mayfield #el hopper byers #here have some notes #lumax #<-very briefly referenced but i love them

[bengiyo]

Theory of Love Rewatch Ep 3 Stray Thoughts

Last time, my own history flared up and I found myself resenting Khai again. I talked to @lurkingshan and am going to try to show Khai grace for having a bisexual awakening late.

These boys are filthy. I know Bone isn't getting on Khai's case about lacking household goods when he's got roaches in the goddamn bed with him.

Ikea dates are cute, but a reminder that 500 Days of Summer is about a breakup.

Ep 3. Friends with Benefits

Now, Third, don't mean mug that girl. She doesn't know she's in the middle of your drama.

Khai is so stupid that it's impossible to read him as malicious at this point.

Lol, everyone is getting some tonight except Third.

3 am and you can't go home? Nah, you gotta at least let your boy use the couch.

Khai's dick game must be strong the way he got this girl fighting Third.

He really asked Third to make dinner for his hookup after the last girl got in his face like that.

Wait, Third had a whole room he could have gone into? Why the fuck did he have to stay out all night?

Now, Third, this is behind the line. Do not watch Khai hook up with someone else.

I kinda wanted Fahsai to pick Third up and throw him.

See, Third is going to swoon, but a lot of dudes are like this. Their relationship with their boys is way more important to them than the relationship with their wives. Kevin Can F*** Himself is basically about this.

There was a lot of circling this episode, and I don't have much commentary about Two and Bone having feelings for specific girls. Khai only pissed me off about keeping Third out all night this episode, and at this point I'm just gonna be disappointed for Third doe continuing to put up with this. Khai cares about him, just not in the way Third wants.

#theory of love #thai bl #bl series #Ben watches