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tloujm · 4 years

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Part VI: Future Days

Author’s Notes: My favorite chapter because Joel freaking playing the guitar! and singing? Ughh! Timewise, a year has passed since Part V so the season is back to fall/autumn.

Genre: Is it fluff or is it angst? Both?

Summary: After the break up, you had no desire to see or speak to Joel. You became close to your new friends and moved out on your own. Joel couldn’t take how much he missed you, so he came over to serenade you. Needless to say, it messed with your feelings. Despite that, there were still unsettled matters between the two of you and that meant having a grown up discussion with him.

Ship: Joel x Reader

For a year, you avoided Joel like the plague. In turn, things became awkward with Tommy and Maria. You only spoke to them when it came to official settlement business. When Joel had told Tommy about everything, the younger brother promised to keep the secret. Maria, however, guilted it out of him. As a result, she felt sympathy toward you. Still, you kept your distance. You became close with a group of people who you began patrolling with after switching shifts. You also started taking shifts in the main watchtower.

No one in Jackson other than Joel, Tommy and Maria knew you were immune, so even your closest friends didn’t know the depth of why you and Joel broke up. The two of you always seemed like an odd match on paper, but in real life, had a way of complimenting each other, which caused townsfolk to envy your relationship. At some point, you got your own place and moved out of your friend’s. You loved Jackson and the people within it, but almost everything tied back to Joel there and you wanted to free your mind of him. You so much as contemplated moving outside the walls of Jackson and living on a farm. It was a conflicting thought because you promised him that you would stay if he told the truth.

One night, you were relaxing in your new home after a long day. The music was playing from an old boombox and you were mindlessly drawing in your notebook. A knock on the door was heard. You told them that they could come in. You knew everyone in Jackson and trusted them in your home. You didn’t, however, expect Joel to come in. You looked him up and down. The first thing that drew you was his hair. It was longer. You noticed that he’d been growing it out as the months got colder. Now that he was in front of you, you could see that it was slightly grayer as well. He was wearing a worn out, olive green button down. It was tucked into his equally worn out jeans. He looked so tired.

“Hey.” You said awkwardly.

“Hey.” Joel repeated in that gravelly yet soft voice only he had.

“What’s up, Joel?” You finally asked after silence had sat in the air for a moment. He fiddled with a piece of decor that he recognized from your shared house.

“Tommy and I went riding the other day and he, uh,” He let out a light chuckle. “He told me a joke and I...I thought about you. It’s um....” He looked off into the distance trying to remember. “Oh shoot, now I done forgot it. Uh...somethin’ about a clock.” He was frustrated at his lack of memory. You could tell he was nervous. He should be, you thought to yourself.

“You came by to tell me a joke?” You asked. He looked up at you with doe eyes. You weren’t sure if he was going to say something, but you decided to speak up anyway. “It’s pretty late, Joel.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I’m gonna get outta your hair. I just um…” He looked behind him at the door. “I wanna...wanna show you somethin’. Just gimme a second.” He ran out the door. You closed your notebook for the night.

You heard the door open again, so you looked back up. “What’s this?”

“Some folks call this thing here a gee-tar.” He walked in holding the stringed instrument. He knew your question was sarcastic, but he still played into it. Immediately, you noticed that it looked different from the one he found a while back.

“Is that the one you’d been building?” You asked with genuine curiosity.

He nodded. “Mmmhmmm.” It was beautiful. You contemplated telling him that. Emotions started to flood as memories of watching him work on it came to mind. It took all you had to push them to the side so he wouldn’t see. “You wanna hear somethin’?” He looked to you.

“Okay.” You said barely loud enough for him to hear.

“Okay.” He repeated with feigned confidence. He sat down on the couch across from the armchair you were in. “Promise me that you won’t laugh.” You thought it was a rhetorical request and that he was just going to start playing, but he paused and looked up at you. His eyes locked with yours for the first time in God knows how long. Waiting for a reply, you silently drew a cross on over your heart. “I’m trustin’ you.” He mumbled before pulling his gaze down to the metal strings between his fingers. He took a deep breath then started playing. “If I ever were to lose you, I’d surely lose myself.” When he began to sing, you were taken aback. Despite sharing his dreams with you, he had never shared his actual singing voice. “Everything I have found here, I’ve not found by myself. Try and sometimes you’ll succeed to make this man of me. All of my stolen, missing parts, I’ve no need for anymore. ‘Cause I believe and I believe ‘cause I can see. Our future days. Days of you and me.” His voice was low and velvety. It wasn’t perfect, but it was raw and it appealed to you. The lyrics hit home with every word he sang. You could hear the emotion in his voice and it plucked at your heart strings. The emotional memories began to flood back and this time you couldn’t stop it. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you noticed that he was playing with his eyes closed. He finished the verse and strummed a few more chords before letting the strings settle. “Well, there you go.” He looked up, but not quite at you, focusing somewhere on your shirt. You were grateful for this because your face was completely wet with tears at that point. You had the sudden impulse to run over and just attach yourself to him. In your mind, you imagined a weaker version of yourself knocking him over with your embrace; your legs straddling his waist, your arms around his neck, your mouth next to his ear. You imagined a weaker self making up with him right then and there on your couch where he sat. Instead, you continued to sit across from him. You breathed in with a sniffle, causing him to actually look at you.

“Joel,” You breathed his name. He watched you with eager eyes, hungry for your next words. “That didn’t suck.” You finally said with a soft smile.

He breathed out a laugh. “I’ll take what I can get.” He ran his hand across the guitar before holding it out for you to take. “She’s yours.”

“No,” You protested. “I can’t! This is your baby.” He opened his mouth to speak but held his tongue to ponder. He propped the guitar up against the wall. “I promised I would teach you how to play.”

“You did.” You almost whispered. He gazed down at you with loving eyes.

“So what do you say, tomorrow night? First lesson?” He knew it might be too soon after he just poured his heart out to you, but he couldn’t help but take a chance.

“I have a long day tomorrow actually. Then the day after that, I’m covering Wendy at the daycare.” You told him sorrowfully. It was the truth; you liked to keep busy. Part of you was ok with that, though, because you didn’t know if you could handle seeing him again so soon. Being so close to him so soon.

“Oh.” He began. “Maybe another time then.” You nodded your head.

“Hey,” You caught him before he left. He turned around in the doorway to face you again. “Did you remember the joke?” He leaned against the door frame and smiled, happy that he got to stay a little longer. He remembered the joke alright, but pretended to think as a way to stay in your presence longer.

He feigned an aha moment. “What is the downside to eating a clock?” You looked off in the distance to genuinely think of an answer before shrugging. “It’s time consuming.” He said with a twang of charm in his voice.

You chuckled. You always found corny dad jokes funny. “That’s so dumb.”

“Yeah.” He mumbled while gazing at you.

You let him for a moment longer before breaking the silence. “Goodnight.”

He grabbed the door knob. “G’night, (Y/N). You gave him a tight lined smile and watched as he closed the door behind him.

After almost a month of rescheduling with him, you decided to give him a visit. It had to be without your new guitar this time. You couldn’t move on and do frivolous things with him without having a grown up talk first. You hadn’t realized how much time went by since the ultimatum until he came to visit. You hadn’t meant for so much time to go by, but the healing did not come as soon as expected. Everyday felt the same; no moving forward from what he did.

One evening, you mustered up the courage to have that talk. You found him strumming away on the porch. Quietly, you walked up the wooden stairs in an attempt to not disturb the melodic tune. As soon as you entered his peripheral, he stopped playing.

“Hey.” Joel spoke softly. He sat down the guitar and focused on you.

“Hey.” You greeted back. You walked up to the front of the porch and leaned up against the wooden railing. He followed suit. You watched him pick up a mug. “What are you drinking?”

“Coffee.” He looked down at the dark liquid. “Not the one you got me for my birthday. A little embarrassed as to what I had to do to get this, but, ” He shrugged, trying to lighten the mood. “It's not bad.” Joel tried to ration the jar of coffee beans that you gave him, but the break up stressed him out which led him to find comfort in frequent cups of coffee.

“I need you to stop harassing Jesse about my patrols. I do just fine with the group I’m with.” You blurted out. Before Joel visited you that night, Jesse mentioned in passing how Joel would ask him a ton of questions about you and your patrols.

“Okay.” He agreed before pausing. “Y’all are close, huh.” He took a sip of his drink.

“Who? Jesse and me?”

“I hear the way he talks about you.” You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “I have a pretty keen eye for these sorts of things.” He said with a hint of humor in his voice to mask the pain.

“Well, you must be going blind.”

“I am really old.”

“Joel,” You sighed. “No, you’re not.” You said seriously.

“Jesse is closer to your age---” He tried to reason.

“Joel,”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you two were...Look, I don’t know what his intentions are, but I do know that he would be damn lucky to have you.”

“We’re not together.” You said before pausing. “You’re such an asshole! I was supposed to die in that fucking hospital!”

“I’m not trying to---” He tried to speak up.

“My life would have fucking mattered, but you took that from me!” You let out a breath to calm your boiling blood. You turned to Joel as he stood up straight.

“If somehow the Lord gave me a second chance at that moment,” He turned to look directly at you. Your eyes scanned his for any trace of remorse. “I would do it all over again.” Joel emphasized each word with a level of intensity. He gave you his famous glare to drive home his point. You looked away from him and thought about what he just confessed to you. “Those Fireflies refused to let me see you after I woke up in one of their hospital beds. I snuck through the hospital trying to find you. I ended up in the office of the doctor that was going to kill you. Files were opened on his desk. I looked through them.” Joel shook his head before leaning against the railing again. “They died, (Y/N). All the other people that they experimented on died. No, they weren’t immune; you were the only one. But, (Y/N), I have a feeling those folks didn’t choose to be there on their own. What I do know for sure was that nothing ever came of their deaths. They weren’t going to get any closer to a cure or vaccine with you than they were with any of the others.” His confident demeanor began to falter as he took in a shaky breath.

“Then what happened?”

“I found you right before they were going to operate and I got us out of there.”

“The ‘Joel’ fashioned way, right?” You asked, in an attempt to make him feel remorse.

“I’m sorry that I lied to you, but I’m not sorry for what I did. All I wanted to do was protect you and they would have come back to kill you if I hadn’t.”

You caught yourself before you started to cry. “I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that. Any of it.” You looked at him only for a moment before tears began to fall down your face. You looked away. He couldn’t bring himself to look at you either. “God.” You mumbled, deep in thought. “But I would like to try.”

Joel let out a shaky breath as if he was about to cry too. “I’d like that.”

“Okay. I’ll see you around.”

“Yep.” He responded with a lump in his throat. You could hear it in the way his voice cracked. You never heard his voice break like that before. Your heart ached as you walked down the wooden steps.

#The Last of Us #tlou #tlou joel #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel x reader #joel/reader #reader insert #fanfic #fanfiction #joel #fluff #angst #video games #joel miller fanfic #joel miller fanfiction #The Last of Us 2

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc.

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all.

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #depression #social anxiety #perfectionism #self-motivation #self-encouragement #thoughts #feelings #family #Let's try our best! :3 #baby steps #believe in yourself #onwards to victory!

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