#like damn no wonder she still has a guilt complex over everything that happened during that fight

[queencvbra]

this is how people looked at tory when she came back to school

#[ooc] #she still gets so much shit for what happened which is why she dreaded going back tbh but she had to #for her own sake and for brandon #but is she having a good time at school? lol absolutely not #she's got thick skin but dealing with shit from people that hate her everyday five days a week is so fucking draining to her #and lol she didn't even fight y'all why r u victimizing yourselves??? #everyone always puts the responsibility of the starting the fight all on tory's shoulders but like #she only started a fight with *sam* #and everyone else decided okay now it's chaos time #and no I'm not defending her starting the fight or hurting sam that was fucked up #and she faced consequences for it #and in terms of the show she still has a lot she needs to do to try to make up for that #but the way everyone is always putting ALL of the blame on her (and robby bc of miguel) #is not fucking fair #not to either of them #like damn no wonder she still has a guilt complex over everything that happened during that fight #when really her accountability should be focused on what she did to sam #but it's kinda hard to focus on that when all the other random kids who jumped in seem to want to blame her for their shit too lol #judging by the reactions she still gets #karate kids not included bc I feel like all of them that were involved are dealing with their own culpability here #which just makes it more ironic that it's the people that don't even really know her holding it all against her #just small background observations that play into my headcanons because kids are fucking mean

[dynyamight]

Hello! Could you do this one :

192 - You make me feel alive. For the first time ever, I feel like I can breathe.

Thanks ☺☺

192. You make me feel alive. For the first time ever, I feel like I can breathe.

“My, you’ve grown so tall and handsome, Katsuki! I can barely recognize you!”

Bakugou shrugs stiffly, hands deeply shoved in his pockets. “..Evenin’, Auntie.”

“Hurry, hurry!” Inko quickly beckons him inside the apartment, with frantic hand motions. “The cold air will get you sick the longer you stand out there.”

After a few tentative steps inside, and offering a mumbled pardon of intrusion, Bakugou makes a look around the small home.

God, everything looked eerily the damn same.

The miniature sofa, the kotatsu, the TV airing the local news, the rickety old dining table, in the same faded wood color just like before. The kitchen, probably looks the same, too.

Nothing new.

And, oddly enough, Bakugou was glad. Familiarity was very much needed, right now.

“Let me take your coat, dear.” Inko shushes quietly, right beside him. When Bakugou twists his head down, he looks to see her offering a soft smile.

Something in his chest clenches. “Nah, s’fine.” He coughs, struggling to meet her gaze. “..We’ll be leaving soon, anyway.”

“You know, that’s what you always told me, back when you two were kids.” Inko voices gently, “Waiting at the front door. Ready to head out, as soon as Izuku stepped out.”

“It warms my heart to see you two together.” She says, gazing at him, with that same comforting expression she used to give him long ago.

The inside of his palms are damp, sweating nervously. All he can offer is a quick nod of acknowledgment, without losing his cool in front of her.

Sure, they weren’t close before, but Inko only remembers him as that child. The one that was her son’s best friend. The one that knocked at her front door, jumping in his sneakers excitedly. The little boy who guided her son out of her home, and brought him back, safe and sound.

And, the same guy who was once the source of all of her beloved son’s distress, turmoil, and torment.

He hopes Midoriya has told her redeeming things about him, now that she knows that part. Because, there’s no way in hell he can sell himself any better.

A door to the right of the hallway opens in that instant.

With his back turned away from them, Midoriya steps out in an obnoxious All Might pajama set, barefooted.

He’s holding up two sweaters, dangling from each hand. “Mom!” He calls out towards the dining room, “Which one looks better? Yellow or red?”

“I can’t tell, Izuku.” Inko states easily, “Turn around.”

Doing a double take, Midoriya pivots in his stance, almost tripping over the long pants. “Oh, when did you get behind-?”

Midoriya’s face drops, before the shirts hit the floor.

Bakugou snorts, while Inko intently gazes at the fallen clothing. “I would think the burgundy one would look wonderful, sweetie.” She advises, regardless.

Quickly, Midoriya gathers and shoves his sweaters in his arms, and hurries back into his room, slamming the door shut. The click of a lock echoes, alongside a bunch of stressed, inaudible words.

“..You sure you don’t want me to take your coat?” Inko asks him. This time, there’s a knowing, small teasing expression on her face. “Izuku might take a while longer.”

Bakugou doesn’t wait for long, seated under the warming kotatsu. His drums his fingers on his thighs, here and there. And, the heat does get a little stuffy, while wearing black jeans and a turtleneck.

But, otherwise, it’s not intolerable. Inko had offered him plenty, during his wait; a hot mug of ginger and cinnamon tea, a small plate of cookie biscuits, and her silent, yet welcoming company. She even insisted on covering his shoulders with a large blanket, engulfing him completely.

“Anything for you.” Inko reassures him, despite having not voiced anything. “You have done so much to keep Izuku happy. It’s the least I can do.”

The overbearing politeness runs in the family, like a disease.

He feels he should thank her, or better yet, try to have a conversation with her. But, each time he builds up the internal guts to say something, the words get caught in his throat.

He wants to make sure he says the right thing to Midoriya’s mother. Unfortunately, he desperately wants her approval.

So, when Midoriya finally walks around the corner, in a nice pair of jeans and that same burgundy sweater from before, Bakugou’s relieved to say the least.

He feels saved.

“Now, the night is only getting colder, by the minute.” Inko hurriedly tells them, as the three of them walk to the front door, “This winter season has been terribly freezing! My heart can’t handle either of you catching the flu, let alone both of you! So, try to make it home not only safe, but healthy. Oh, and if you are unable to catch the last train, please let me know! I will gladly-”

“It’s okay.” Midoriya reassures her, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry, Mom. We’ll be okay.”

“I know, I know. Just please-”

“Call you when we’re on our way home.” Midoriya answers easily. “Yeah, I will.”

“..You promise?”

“I promise, Mom.”

They share a sweet, long embrace, which Bakugou can’t help, but look away.

Something about their close bond, and unashamed love for each other feels intrusive for him to be a part of.

Something that he doesn’t deserve to be a part of. At least, not yet.

Instead, he solely focuses on readjusting his winter coat over his shoulders.

On their languid walk towards the metro station, a few blocks away from the apartment complex, Midoriya slips his hand in his.

“You told me 20:00, Kacchan.” He whines, however.

Bakugou rolls his eyes. “It was.” He corrects in a huff, “Until you fucking said I could drop by an hour early.”

“Wha—? When did I say that?”

“During our damn lunch break, yesterday.” Bakugou incredulously stares at him. “The hell? You were the one who came up to me and literally said it yourself. How your conference for today with the academy got cancelled. ”

For a moment too long, Midoriya stays silent, visibly mulling over the words in his head. Each quiet second makes Bakugou more internally baffled, downright shocked.

If it weren’t for Midoriya’s warm hand loosely holding onto him, he’d crackle a couple explosions, in spite.

“Oh. I did.” Midoriya breathes out laughing, bringing his other hand to his face. “I completely forgot.”

“Shitty Deku.” Bakugou grunts. “Starting the night off wrong, already?”

“Hey! Don’t go making me feel bad, Kacchan!” With pleading eyes, Midoriya looks up at him. “I didn’t mean to forget. School’s been hectic recently, and you know that.”

Those huge, bright green eyes. His kryptonite.

Bakugou clicks his tongue. “..Whatever. S’not like the wait was awful.”

“Oh god, I hope my mom wasn’t too much with you.” Midoriya messes with Bakugou’s fingers in between his, tightening and letting go of them.

“Not at all.” Bakugou lies.

Smiling, Midoriya lets out a big sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. If you two didn’t get along tonight, I might have had an aneurysm.”

“If you had to choose—” Bakugou starts.

Midoriya narrows his eyes. “Stop it.”

Bakugou scoffs, slipping out an air of mirth into it. “Obviously your mom.”

“Obviously, it would be too hard of a decision to make.” Midoriya corrects. “Hopefully that time never, ever, ever comes.”

Despite trying not to smile, Bakugou feels the traces of a smirk on the corners of his lips. “If that day ever happens, always pick Auntie.” He states easily, “Her heartbreak would be so fucking intense. Put all natural disasters to damn shame.”

With a small, slipped out laugh, Midoriya bumps their shoulders together, softened by their winter coats. “You are weirdly making sense, Kacchan.”

“Of course I’m making fucking sense. She cries over the thought of someone taking you away. Villain, or not.”

“Every mother is like that!”

“Hell, I’m damn surprised Auntie didn’t flip her shit from seeing me.” Bakugou honestly confesses finally, more to himself than to Midoriya. “Dating her one and only son, and she didn’t even freak out about it.”

And, just like that, Bakugou knows something is wrong, from the moment Midoriya stays quiet.

They continue to walk, despite the sudden tense mood between them. But, that doesn’t mean Bakugou doesn’t want to demand Midoriya to speak up, the longer he keeps his mouth shut.

But also, he doesn’t want to ruin their night, and so, he waits begrudgingly.

Right as the two are on the outskirts of the metro tunnel, Midoriya twiddles Bakugou’s fingers nervously.

“..I haven’t told her about us yet,” He admits, face morphed in guilt. “But, I mean, she could very easily guess our intentions tonight. So, maybe— I don’t know —she might know.”

Bakugou hums, allowing himself a few seconds to process that. He then breathes a long air through his nose. “..I figured.” He simply says.

“It’s not like I want to hide us.” Midoriya voices aloud, furrowing his brows. “It’s just with graduation coming up, and the academy still looking for an agency to accept me as anything, and then my father suddenly wanting to come back into our lives, she’s just been a little stressed with everything going on, including myself. And, I don’t want to potentially ruin us and-”

With a tight grip, Bakugou halts them to a sudden stop.

When Midoriya worriedly gazes at him, he offers him back a nod. “Yeah, I get it.” Bakugou firmly states.

“Kacchan, I-”

“You’re fine. Don’t worry about it.”

And, he really means it.

While people bypass them, heading through the automatic doors of the metro station, they both remain standing, staring back at each other.

The first to break is Midoriya, releasing a big, tired sigh. “You’re right.” He frowns, looking away. “I’m totally ruining this date night. I’m sorry.”

Pulling his hand out of the hold, Bakugou instead brings his arms over Midoriya’s shoulders. He hugs them close. “No, you’re not.”

“I am.” Midoriya responds backs, muffled.

“We’ve been on more shit dates, Deku.” Bakugou tells him in his ear. “And, this ain’t one. It barely even began.”

“A whole year, and I—I haven’t even told her.” Midoriya shakingly admits. “I’m such a coward.”

Bakugou huffs. “You’re not. The talk ain’t easy. Hell, telling my hag and old man about us was like pulling teeth out of my damn mouth.”

“..At least you told them.”

“Listen, you went through a lot of shit, two years ago.” Bakugou reminds Midoriya, bluntly. “The running away. The dropping out. The undercover work. The public hate. Getting together after all fucking that, probably wasn’t even the best move.”

“I still remember it all.” Midoriya mumbles.

Bakugou tightens his hug. “And, since then, life’s been a total bitch to you. I fucking wish you didn’t get half the crap you have to deal with, because it runs you into a damn mess.”

“But, I—”

“So, just focus on the important shit, right now.” Bakugou breathes out, pressing his head against Midoriya’s. “Us? We can wait. No, I can wait. I’ll be right beside you, until then, and even after that.”

Lifting his arms up and around Bakugou’s back, Midoriya holds onto him, just as tight as him. “..You promise?”

Bakugou exhales a short sigh. “I promise, Izuku. We’ll be okay.”

Letting go, Midoriya gently pushes away from Bakugou’s grip, causing them to finally part, for who knows how long.

Before the secondhand embarrassment of people witnessing them sinks into his pride, Bakugou’s redirected to the watery eyes of Midoriya, as he quickly blinks them dry.

“God, when did you get so—?” Midoriya wildly moves his hands around, gesturing over at Bakugou.

On the other hand, Bakugou scrunches his nose. “The hell does that mean?”

“So supportive?” Immediately, Midoriya shakes his head. “No, you’ve been supportive, that’s not the right word. So kind? Uh, that doesn’t sound right..”

“You mean romantic.” Bakugou puts it bluntly.

A rush of red floods Midoriya’s face, matching his sweater and shoes. “Don’t say it so loud, Kacchan!”

“I wouldn’t have to, if you weren’t asking dumb ass questions!” Bakugou yells back, crossing his arms definitively. “We’re together, Deku! Of course I’m gonna tell you fucking sappy shit.”

“Shh! You are making us be a public scene!”

“Too late! We were a public scene the fucking moment we stopped in front of the damn metro like stupid lovers at the altar!”

It starts slow, with nothing, but Midoriya blinking up at him.

But then, a slipped sputter starts and a bubbling laughter erupts from Midoriya. He grabs onto Bakugou’s arm, helping him from not bending over in giggles.

“W-We really did!” Midoriya barely says, wheezing, “Lovers at an altar. A-And, you literally gave me vows!”

It takes Bakugou forcibly grabbing his idiotic, cackling boyfriend to finally move aside, and walk through the station’s entrance. He refuses to focus too much on the fire heating his face.

He’s never making outlandish, romantic gestures in public, ever again.

They missed their train, obvious from the lengthy moment they had outside. But, neither of them were upset about the ordeal. Instead, they gradly bought tickets for the next train to Tokyo, with only a thirty minute wait.

As Bakugou starts to shift comfortably in his bench seat, right beside him, Midoriya rests his head on top of his shoulder. “Thankfully, we still won’t miss the movie premiere.”

“Because your weird ass is making us leave hours before midnight.”

“For situations like these!”

Bakugou scoffs a short laugh. “I guess it’s reasonable.”

Grabbing his hand into a loose grip, Midoriya twiddles with Bakugou’s fingers once more. “Thank you. For tonight.” Midoriya whispers.

“You needed time to chill the fuck out. With the shit you’ve been facing, let tonight be the night you forget about it.” Bakugou grumbles, “Besides, I haven’t been able to steal you away, for my damn self.” He tacks on.

Midoriya smiles back at him, head comfortably slumped on his shoulder. “You make me feel alive, again. And, for the first time ever, since the start of this year,” He sighs, longingly up at Bakugou, “I feel like I can breathe.”

Bakugou brings him closer, chin tucked in his curls. “Good. I need you to breathe, at least once and a fucking while.”

Midoriya snorts. “Just at least once?”

“And, a fucking while.” Bakugou reiterates, “I’m not a monster.”

“No, you’re not.” Midoriya chuckles, bringing his legs over Bakugou’s lap. “You���re my monstrous boyfriend.”

“That’s fucking right.”

For a while, they stay just like that; close, intimate, and stuck together, without a care of the outside world. Maybe it’s from the intense conversation from earlier, but Bakugou doesn’t feel deterred to back away. Instead, he feels comfortable in holding Midoriya, and not letting go.

“You know,” Midoriya starts, “My mom wouldn’t freak out.”

Bakugou raises a brow. “..Hm?”

“About us. She wouldn’t freak or flip out like that.”

“C’mon, Deku.” Bakugou scoffs, shaking his head. “You don’t gotta lie to me, now.”

“I’m serious.” Midoriya reaffirms strongly, emphasizing his words with a tightened grasp around his hand. “She wouldn’t.”

“I’m not the type of guy you bring to your damn family. Seeing me as anyone’s partner is like fucking failing at life.”

Midoriya brings a tentative hand, cupping the side of Bakugou’s face. His fingertips are rough, yet linger there softly. “Just promise her you’ll make me happy and keep me safe.” Midoriya states easily, smiling brightly. “And, she’ll welcome you with open arms, all over again.”

#star responds #okay sooo idk which writing prompt this was for?? BUT I STILL THOUGHT THIS WAS CUTE #bkdk third years. bkdk established relationship. bkdk and inko #maaaan i literally let my fluff/hurt heart have it #i hope this is the time of soft bkdk you want !! #ayae-02 #bakudeku #FICLET

[normal-thoughts-official]

What do you think of Raphael and Camille's relationship?

not much i guess? at least not much i havent said before. i think its pretty clear that raphael has no loyalty for her and if anything had been waiting to dethrone her for a long time. i think rapha had been working to earn her trust and get rid of her for years now

first of all because like i know that's sh's writing being bad but his little coup over her was just so easy? it sounds to me like he had been getting ppl on his side and ready to overthrone her when the time came for quite a while. plus it's obvious that he was never in accordance with her shit - he went behind her back SO MANY TIMES and it was always for ppl he doesnt even know and has no reason to help? in fact has reasons to hate, since theyre shadowhunters

plus rapha knows about magnus and camille's history (remember how he deliberately didn't involve magnus in the clan thing because he didnt want magnus to have to deal with her? yeah) so of course he fucking hates her lmao. it is one of my treasured hcs that he joined her clan Exactly To Dethrone Her. rapha can play the long con, and i dont see a reason why hed join her clan as opposed to any other when she wasn't his sire and he had a home with magnus. i mean sure being in the NYC clan is convenient but ur telling me theres one (1) vampire clan for this entire town???? im calling bs like sorry

anyway yeah thats it. as for Camille's feelings towards him, i think she thought she had him wrapped around her finger and that he was no threat, which is a testament to how well rapha managed to play the long con, ESPECIALLY since he was going behind her back and freeing simon and giving his body back to the shadowhunters and all that crap. again he didnt even know him. like i know he did it because rapha believed it was right and he didnt want that to weight on his conscience but still, its obvious that he had to do a lot of shit he doesnt agree with for camille because shes a weirdo like that, and still he managed to go out of his way to help her victims AND have her trust pretty much until the end while organizing an uprising against her. like we have to stan

not that like camille liked him, by "trust" i mean mostly that she believed he was harmless which is why he was her second-in-command imo. not like, something meaningful udndidndod but still. and god knows how many years or even decades hes spent in her clan, so like. props to him? yeah

and to some point i think this has to do with rapha's moral standing. i had always thought that hes one of the most complex characters in shadowhunters because we got this guy who at the same time is obsessed with attoning for his Sins™ and self harms on the regular and blames himself for everything but whos also like. willing to kill and even turn on the ppl he loves to do that (like when he basically held magnus down and tried to kill clary during the soul sword thing)

and like once again! rapha was right lmao like im sorry but he was, her existence was a threat to millions of ppl and she was being so reckless like she didnt CARE and choosing to save her over millions is just. some MC bullcrap. but youd expect that someone with so many guilt issues and a sense of loyalty as strong as rapha would at least have a hard time taking that decision

and like i know it's the racism and the need to villainize him because hes a vampire! but in the good shadowhunters that exists in my head, it's because living with camille for so long he was forced to do a lot of shit that he would rather die than have to do, shit that compromised his moral standards to their very core, and in doing that he was still helping keep the world safe because he was no good if he didn't earn camille's trust so he could get rid of her and save the vampires. and also a part of him already feels so tainted by all the things he had to turn a blind eye to, i think its kinda like. might as well add another sin. better him than someone who still hasn't had to compromise, know that pain. and at the same time that only makes his obsession with atonement stronger

(because this is the good sh that exists in my head, mandatory disclaimer that im ignoring the heidi plotline because it was not only ooc nonsense but also like... nonsense plot-wise? i am once again asking why the fuck hed experiment on heidi who wasn't a daylighter when he could have gone for simon since he's so evil and willing to do terrible things for his sister or whatever. also this post is about the show not the books and idc what happened in the books)

anyway no wonder he was ready to fucking kill simon when he freed her like could you imagine spending decades compromising ur own beliefs and moral standards just so in the end you could get rid of an evil dictator and then some MOTHERFUCKER just fucking frees her because of his stupid childhood crush?????? bruh id be fucking livid. and thats not even considering what it meant for those he loved - his clan, magnus, etc

but anyway yeah those are my thoughts basically. i think rapha had always intended to take her down because 1- she was fucking terrible and hurting so many ppl including vampires: 2- he knew of her past with magnus and he was Protective. and he was very clear headed about it and managed to play a long con in a mind destroying game pretty well and just like damn we stan. thats all hdbdjd

#sh #shadowhunters #raphael santiago #camille belcourt is an abuser #meta #i guess #sh meta #raphael santiago meta #ask #anonymous

[the-awkward-outlaw]

You are not alone

This is a one shot with Arthur Morgan. For once, it is not a request but rather more like a therapy piece for myself in order to process some current issues I have. That being said, trigger warning for parental abuse. 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

You lie in bed, not really wanting to face the day. The idea of staying in bed all day and doing nothing is tempting. That familiar ball of nothing sits like a weight on your chest. This void inside you seems as deep and fathomless as the universe itself. It doesn’t feel good. 

You know why you’re feeling this way. How could you not after everything that happened with those people you used to call family? Everything’s blown up so quickly. There was almost no warning to it either. 

You’re also confused. Why are you so hurt to be abandoned by those people who hurt you for so long? Your father, that abusive bastard who never earned the title of “dad”. His words still echo in your head, the words “I want you gone, I don’t want you here”. When he’d screamed those words, it unburied so much hurt you’ve kept locked away for over 15 years. Things you never told anybody about, things you yourself barely remembered until recently. 

Then there’s your mother. Not nearly as abusive, but just as guilty. That pointless conversation she had with you a few days back did nothing but show that she’d seen your father’s abusive tendencies long before you were even born and she did nothing about it. Admitting now that she should have done better back then does nothing to erase the pain. Damn them both. Damn this whole scenario!

Of course, the fight that led to this situation has been overdue by several years. You’ve seen it coming for a long time, you just hadn’t been aware of it happening so quickly, and in such a bad place. You’d been on your vacation with your parents, visiting a lake you’ve loved since childhood. Because of certain situations and acts done by your parents (though you know your hands aren’t clean either), the fight broke out and the result is that you have now been estranged by both your parents. 

The situation is so complex and you don’t know how to feel. Anger, sure. Resentment, of course. Betrayal. You also want your parents to admit that they hurt you during your childhood and you’re damaged because of it, but you also know they won’t. Especially your father. He’s under the impression he was a wonderful dad, despite the fact that most days as a child, you hid for fear of his abuse. How can you hate them so much yet still want them as part of your life? 

There’s a sudden knock on your front door. Who the hell is calling at this time of day? Sure, the sun’s up, but it’s Sunday morning. Why would anyone be at your door? 

With a heavy sigh, you force yourself to get out of bed. You tidy yourself up enough to not look ghastly. Maybe it’s just the Amazon guy dropping off a package (though you don’t remember ordering anything within the last 2 weeks). 

When you open the door, you’re surprised to see your neighbor and good friend (not to mention the guy you’ve been crushing on forever) Arthur Morgan. He smiles when he sees you. 

“Hey, hope I didn’t wake ya.” 

“No, you’re fine,” you say, forcing yourself to smile. “I’ve been up a while anyways.” 

“Okay. This is gonna sound silly, but would you have two eggs to spare? I, uh, started makin’ myself some breakfast and realized I didn’t have any.” 

“Oh, of course! Here, let me grab them for you.” 

Arthur walks in the house after you. As you go into the kitchen, he looks around. Though your house is usually quite tidy, he can see there’s been a lack of care to it. Dust rests on your shelves, your TV. Your couch shows signs of not having been used in days. There’s also a smell that suggests the house has been empty, but as your neighbor and friend, he knows you’ve been home everyday. He’s been in your house often enough to know that it isn’t usually like this. 

Not only does it not look right, it doesn’t feel right. There’s a heaviness in the air, almost like a shadow sits over the house. He gets the feeling it’s stemming from you. 

Now that he thinks about it, he has barely seen you in the past 3 weeks. Pretty much ever since you came back from your vacation. You’d asked him before leaving to watch your house and feed your cat, which he did. But now that you’re home, he’s hardly seen you. Again, this is strange as the two of you are fairly close. 

Before your vacation, you’d watch movies together every Friday night. When you came back, you didn’t invite him over and when he invited you, he got responses that suggested you had other plans. 

“Here you go,” you say, walking out of the kitchen and holding out two eggs. He reaches for your hand, but then doesn’t let go. 

“Why don’t you come and have breakfast with me?” he says, his eyes soft. “You look like you could use some company.” 

You look up at him. You’ve wanted to see your friend for a while, ever since you came back. However, if your father made anything clear, it was that if he didn’t want you around, then no one did. 

“I… I don’t know, Arthur. I don’t want to be a bother.” 

“You ain’t gonna bother me, Y/N. Never have. Y’know, I been missin’ our Friday movie nights.” 

His comment makes you look away from him. “No, you don’t, Arthur.” 

He squeezes your hand a bit, then he lowers his head so he can look you in the eye. “You okay? You been different ever since you came back from that lake. Somethin’ happen up there?” 

Arthur’s the first person to point out that you’re not how you used to be, and his acknowledgement of that is what finally breaks you. Tears well up in your eyes and you cannot bear to look him in the face, feeling pathetic. 

“To… to be honest, a lot happened. Most of it wasn’t good.” 

A brief silence passes, then he squeezes your hand again. “Come have breakfast, darlin’. Looks like you could use a friend. I’ll cook for ya and you can talk about it.” 

At first, you think he just wants to hear some gossip, but when you look in his eyes, you can see he’s genuinely worried. So you nod and grab a couple more eggs and follow him out and over to his house. 

Arthur’s house is about the same size as yours. He’s more simple than you are, and being raised on a farm out west, he decorates like so. There’s a big painting of a horse over his couch which you’ve always liked. You peak in his office and see the large stag’s head hanging from the wall. 

In the kitchen, Arthur makes you a cup of coffee and then begins breakfast. As you sit at the table, your hands wrapped around the warm mug (which has a beautiful design of an elk), he gets some bacon cooking. 

When a few strips are sizzling away, Arthur sits down across from you. “So… tell me about this vacation of yours.” 

Arthur doesn’t say a word as you begin talking. First you start out with how you had bad feelings right before you went on vacation, but you attributed them to other aspects in your life. 

“It was like a part of me knew something bad was gonna happen,” you say. You’re shivering a little (something you always do when talking about a deeply personal thing). Arthur gently takes your hand in his to comfort you. It does help and you go on. 

You tell him about how things started to build up. Things started off with your mom. When you voiced your problems with her to your father, stating they made you want to leave early, he said if it felt right to you that you should leave, but then he suggested you talk with your mom first and try to resolve things. 

“The problem with that is these issues I’ve had with my mom have been going on for well over ten years. I’ve been nearing the end of my tether for ages.” 

Arthur nods and prompts you to go on. The talk with your mother you thought went well, but not twenty minutes after, she was doing the same things you said were causing the issue. Things escalated from there with not just your mother, but your father going and doing the same things that have been causing all these problems. They were doing a few things that suggested they’d heard you, but when push came to shove, they went no further. 

“On Thursday night, we went to this one place at the lake to try and fish. When I finished there,  I realized that I was just done. I wasn’t angry or resentful, I was just ready to come home.” 

Arthur nods and you notice he squeezes your hand a little. With that, you go on to say how the very next morning, you packed up your things and as you loaded up the car, your mother came bustling over, clearly upset, and accused you of ruining her vacation. She laid on the guilt hard. 

However, your father has always had a habit. When your mother gets upset, your father gets angry and he has an excellent way of making the person who hurt his wife feel like less than shit. He pulled out all the stops for you. Not only did he accuse you of being intolerant and inpatient, but he wouldn’t let you stand up for yourself. When you tried to, he put you down, stating you were an intolerant, selfish little brat and he wanted nothing to do with you. 

“What about your mama?” Arthur asks gently. “Surely she didn’t want things goin’ that badly?” 

You roll your watery eyes and look away. “My mom did what she does best. She just stood there and listened to him, not saying a fucking thing. She sat there and watched as my father essentially chased me out of there.”

Arthur lowers his head and sighs. “I’m real sorry, Y/N.” 

“That wasn’t it,” you say and then you go into explaining how your father’s verbal abuse uncovered a bunch of memories from when you were a child. Memories of your father verbally and even physically abusing you. Things you’d forgotten and sat on for over 15 years. They all came bubbling back up as you drove home, sobbing. Along with them came the emotions. The fear, the confusion, the anger and the hatred. 

“So…” Arthur says, dishing the food onto plates and handing you one. “That was, what… two weeks ago? Have either your ma or pa said anything?” 

You sniff a little and shake your head. “Well… my mom did. She came over and we talked for two hours. Honestly the stuff she said made the abuse from my father even worse, because she basically told me she’s known about his abusive tendencies longer than I’ve even been alive for and has let him do them. When I asked her why she didn’t stop him that day I left the lake, she said she was focusing more on what was going on in her head. Honestly I think that was a lie. I think she’s just as scared of my father as I was as a kid.” 

Arthur looks down. “That’s bad business, darlin’. Had no idea your daddy was so awful.” 

“Me too. I guess I worked hard to forget all that bullshit he did to me as a kid.” 

“Guess so. Did your mama try talkin’ ya into forgivin’ him?” 

You shake your head and sniff again. “No. No, she didn’t make excuses for him, but she tried gaslighting me. Said I should focus on the 80% that’s good and focus less on the 20% that’s bad. But when I think about it, there was no good when I was a kid. All he did was get angry at me. We didn’t start to have a civil relationship until I was just graduating college. And I don’t know, but in my opinion going to Yellowstone when I was 23 and having a good time doesn’t count.” 

“It don’t. Your daddy betrayed you when he hurt you all them times. He made a promise to protect you when he became your father and he broke up. Not only that, but your mama betrayed you too when she just stood by and watched him do those things.” 

You start crying again, letting the tears slip down your cheeks. Arthur stands up and cleans up the dishes (you didn’t eat very much, but he understands). When he walks back over the table, he comes over to your side and holds out his hand. 

“Come on, sweetheart. I know you’re probably feelin’ confused and hurt that even though your parents were abusive and did a lot of damage, it must be difficult to have lost them. Come here.” 

When you’re standing, he pulls you into a hug. Arthur’s only hugged you once. He’d gotten drunk during a movie night and had hugged you when he said goodbye. It was then that you’d developed your crush on him.

You press yourself into the hug, his heart thumping in your heart, calm and steady. Your body molds perfectly against his, like a puzzle piece. His arms wind around you, creating a protective barrier as you settle your forehead into the crook of his neck. 

As his heat seeps into you, all the emotions you’ve been mulling over come, only there’s a new one. Support. Arthur is the first person who not only showed any concern, but also showed any interest in wanting to help you. You feel his thumb rubbing circles on your lower back. 

After a few moments, Arthur leans away just a bit so he can look at you. “Y/N, can I tell you somethin’?” You nod and he goes on. “Even though you lost your family, I want ya to know this. I care about ya. Cared about ya a long time. When the two men who raised me passed away and I came out here, I had no one. But you reached out to me, made me feel like I wasn’t alone. I’m gonna do the same thing for you.” 

This makes you smile for the first time in days. “Thank you, Arthur. I couldn’t ask for more.” 

He smiles and then his hand comes up to cup your cheek. As you stare at him, his eyes flicker down to your lips. Is he thinking about you the same way you think about him?

“Arthur?” you whisper. 

He responds by leaning down and gently placing his lips on yours. Your heart feels like it’s going to leap out of your chest as you sink into the kiss. His breath washes over your face and his hand moves up your back. After a moment, he pulls away, his cheeks pink. 

“I, uh, hope that was okay,” he says softly. 

You smile a bit. “I would give it a better word than that, Arthur. Thank you.” 

Arthur’s lips stretch into a wide grin and then they’re on yours again. “I’m gonna always be here for ya, darlin’,” he says after another moment. “You ain’t as alone as your parents want ya to think.” 

#arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #red dead fanfic #rdr2 fanfic #i'm awkward

[ch4o7ix]

Edaclark - Singapore night

oh hello there. i said i was gonna post my edaclark fic here, so here i am. originally it was in portuguese, and for this i just googled, used an app and also made some modifications, but i think it’s okay! If the fic has any grammar mistake, feel free to say it.

Enjoy! <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cold night wind hit his face, his gaze distant, focused on the not-so-starry Singapore sky. Clark liked to be there at night, not only because of the pool he shared with beautiful ladies but also because of the beautiful view that the place affords him. Lowering his gaze, he could gradually see the illuminated city he loved so much. A smile formed on his face as he traced with his eyes the path he normally took during his runs. He really loved what he did, flying was wonderful but still ... the adrenaline he felt was not what he expected to feel.

Normally, the excitement of flying was not in the uncertainty of his victory, since it was guaranteed, but mainly in the fear of the plane falling in any way. And that was not a pleasant feeling to feel. He rested his head on his hands, a tired sigh coming out. He missed feeling the real thrill of a race, but the last time he tried to have a real competition it didn't end well.

Just thinking about the last race he had with Lewis made him feel guilty. He was not directly guilty of causing this accident, he knew very well who set up the veteran, but ... he still felt his chest tighten with the overwhelming sense of guilt. This feeling intensified when he remembered his newest mechanic, Edamura. Although he disguised it well, his look of disgust directed at the men who ruined his former employer's life was quite remarkable.

The young competitor, if he could really call himself that, just wanted to be able to have a real contest, without scripts, without frames. Sure, he loves his brother, but he couldn't deny that the methods he uses are, in addition to being harmful, dangerous. The prince was tired, tired of the guilt he carried, tired of his brother's "scripted entertainment", tired of this false emotion, tired of lying.

Clark takes one of his hands to his hair, pulling it back, letting out a long breath. Problems and guilt are not going to go away with that, but at least that little gesture calms the young man.

The man is startled to hear the sound of footsteps, accompanied by a relatively loud yawn. He turned around, hoping to find a guest coming to get some air or even the older Ibrahim. But he was surprised to find a well-known mechanic, Makoto Edamura, walking towards him with a small smile on his lips. He felt his heart skip a beat, smiling back at the Japanese.

— Good night, Clark! – he said, his lovely accent noticeable even with that simple sentence.

— Hi Edamura! – The older one smiled, watching the smaller one lean against the fence that prevented them from falling while looking at the sky with a frown. – What happened? Are you cold? – He asked, even though he knew that the white sweatshirt the other was wearing was probably warm enough.

— No, I just ... I imagined that the sky here would be more starry. When I talked to Cynthia she told me that the view from up here was so beautiful. – He sounded disappointed, turning to the one with the dark blue eyes as if silently asking: "Do you understand?", making him nod in understanding, looking away again at the sky.

— It's quite annoying that the city is so bright at night that we can't even see the stars in the sky. But still, it's a beautiful view, depending on where you look. – He lowered his vision, leading Makoto to follow his gaze to the illuminated city, a breathtaking sight. The mechanic's eyes shone and he smiled in awe at the view, the sounds of the city gradually synchronizing and forming a unique soundtrack for that moment, which was attentively watched by the younger Ibrahim, who felt his chest warm and the damn butterflies if they churn in your stomach.

Edamura's smile is beautiful. Clark would do anything to be able to see him smile like that more often and would do anything to be the reason for that smile. Since he talked to the man for the first time, the prince felt something for him. He didn't know how to name it, but he knew it was complex ... and good. When the brown eyes met him again, filled with enthusiasm and shining with the reflection of the Singapore lights, Clark felt his stomach turn seven times in clockwise and counterclockwise direction, causing some sickness in the older man. Sometimes the feeling was not so good.

— Do you come here a lot? You must come, I never got to see a city from above, and from here everything is so bright! It even makes me forget about the fear of heights, you know? – He looked back at the city, taking his cell phone out of his sweatshirt pocket to take a picture. The older one smiled silly, seeing his face concentrated to take a perfect picture.

— Yes, it is. – "but not as much as you", he wanted to say, however, kept the thought to himself. – But I thought you lived in Tokyo before, how have you never seen anything like it? – He asked, making Makoto turn his face to face him, lowering his cell phone slightly, beyond the glass fence. "Oh, oh, I already see where this is going," he thought, looking back into the man's chocolate eyes.

— I'm afraid of heights, so the most I've seen were in pictures. – he replied to the surprise of the Singaporean, who until then imagined that every Japanese would have seen the city from above at least once in his life, as cariocas would do with Christ the Redeemer.

— If you are afraid of heights, then don't worry, my little Edamura! – he dictated, placing his hand on his chest gloriously, before hugging the smaller one from behind, drawing a small exclamation followed by a laugh from him. – Your prince here will see to it that neither you nor your cell phone – he took the device from the other's hands, who were protesting with laughter. – fall from that deadly height! – Finally, Clark gave a kiss on the top of the mechanic's head, who stopped laughing, still surprised by the action of the bigger one.

Makoto turned in his embrace, raising his face with a frown, his cheeks so red it looked like he had even been slapped, not a hug. Clark felt his heart accelerate again, his mouth slightly open and his eyes locked on that beautiful face, in the eyes that he had so often compared with chocolate, in his slender nose, his lips forming that attractive pout, so inviting… His body moved involuntarily, and when he found himself, Clark was just inches away from kissing the brown-haired man, who was in shock in his embrace.

The proximity between them was sufficient for them to be breathing the same air, but still, neither of them dared to move for a good two minutes. Two minutes that lasted an eternity. An eternity that Clark was enjoying. He was enjoying feeling the synchrony between his breaths, his heart beating together with that of the Japanese, the looks they exchanged, and the fact that so far, the other has not retreated. That was good, right? Perhaps it was by surprise, but even after the time of the initial shock, he did not move.

The older man's unoccupied hand was placed on the other's back, a move that was enough to get Edamura out of the initial trance. He quickly emerged from the prince's embrace, whirling a little and then stopping some distance from him, showing a mocking smile and waving his cell phone over his head. Ibrahim was still processing the fact that the moment between the two ended when he realized that the device was no longer in his hands. When did he get it?

— I didn't know you were the type to steal, Edamura! – He laughed, one eyebrow raised while still trying to understand when the cell phone left his hands.

— It's that saying: thief who steals thief, has a thousand years of forgiveness! – He laughed, going to the pool area while unlocking the device, being followed by the pilot.

— I never heard that saying, but for me, if you rhyme, then I'll believe it. – he said, trying to get Makoto's cell phone again. This one, however, was faster, deviating fully while walking again, taking care not to get too close to the pool. – If a thief steals the thief who stole it, how many years of forgiveness would he gain?

— And you think you could steal me? – the brown-haired one asked in disbelief, crossing his arms and consequently hiding the cell phone from Clark's heavy hands, receiving only a smile from the other. – Okay, if a thief manages to steal the thief who stole it, I think he would have... Ten years of forgiveness!

— Only ten?! Why?

— Because that means the robbery was a success in the end. A thief was unable to steal, but the thief who was stolen in the beginning continued with the stolen item, so he remains guilty of theft. – He smiled victoriously as he faced the employer's expression of defeat, who only sighed in response to his hypothetical arrest.

Almost a second later, Clark surprised Makoto by jumping on him, but as usual, he swerved gracefully...

— Haha! I told you that you- –… to immediately take a step towards the edge of the pool. At that moment, Edamura could have sworn he saw his life passing like a short film before his eyes, one of the most striking phrases being that of Abby, calling him a virgin for the hundredth time.

Clark luckily held his hand, preventing the fall from occurring. Both smiled in relief before the betrayal occurred. Clark took the damn cell phone from the mechanic, who widened his eyes in disbelief at the older man's attitude. As soon as his objective was in his hands, a final evil smile was given towards his friend, before his hand dropped him to his icy death.

The sound of the fall was painful to hear, mainly because drops of cold water from the pool reached the prince, but in the end, he was still dry and had managed ten years of forgiveness.

— You are an asshole! – Makoto said as soon as he emerged, frowning and drenched, like a cat that ended up falling into the water unintentionally, which was not far from reality. – You are a bastard and an asshole!

— I am not the one in a pool, in the cold, and on top of clothes. – Ibrahim scoffed, placing the cell phone on one of the chairs that were nearby, to crouch in front of the angry Japanese. – But I can think of helping you with one condition! – he said with his index finger raised and a wide smile growing in his face. – For a kiss, I-

And again, the sound of a body submerging in the icy water was heard. Makoto gave a short and evil laugh with his revenge. Clark emerged quickly, already shivering with a frown instead of his usual smile.

— Ugly face for me is hunger. – Makoto said, resting his elbows on the edge of the pool as he watched the Singaporean dive and appear on his side, looking more comfortable with the temperature, although he still trembles slightly.

— Your luck is that it's not that cold today. – The pilot leaned on the edge of the pool sulking. – And you cursed me earlier, you cursed someone from royalty! – he exclaimed, almost convincing the minor that the offenses offended him, narrowly failing due to his exaggerated facial expression.

— Well, maybe I can think of helping you. – the scammer said, joining in the game and imitating the mocking air that the prince had taken when he offered him help. – For a kiss, maybe I can forgive you, how about? – He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Even though Clark knew it was a joke, he couldn't help the uncontrollable urge to try and get that forgiveness. And it was a stupid idea, he certainly shouldn't even consider it, since it would probably be a badly received kiss and would end any chance he had with the mechanic, even if they were tiny. But you know... Clark Ibrahim was never afraid to execute stupid ideas. Of course, the last one he executed ended up severely hurting one of his best friends, preventing him from doing one of the things he loved the most, but there were no lives at stake now! Maybe his, if he were to consider what his older brother used to be, but, no! No lives at stake!

And it was with this assurance of the only trusting voice in his head, that the Ibrahim approached the smaller one, who just looked at him with a small smile and a confused expression. He just smiled back, taking a hand to his chin and lifting him up, simultaneously bringing their faces together until their noses touched. His breathing was heavy and he could feel his hands tingling, just as he could feel the rhythmic heartbeat of the youngest. Before proceeding, he looked at those chocolatey eyes again, surprised to find that the man was also looking at him.

Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and kissed the other one, still a little anxious about his response to the act. When he realized that he hadn’t moved, the man turned away regretfully, taking his hand to the back of the neck, and avoiding eye contact with the youngest, who just looked at him without understanding. Clark was sweating cold, the anxiety intensifying his shaking a little and causing a lump to form in his throat. Maybe he didn't like the kiss, maybe he was going to hate him for going out kissing him like it was nothing, maybe he was scared and so he didn't react, but that wasn't necessarily good, so...

"Oh, shit, I fucked it up!", The thought echoed in his mind, as he felt his breathing quicken, a whirlwind of hypotheses crossing his mind.

— Clark? – Edamura called, placing a hand on his shoulder.

— I’m sorry! I-I should have asked you before doing something like that, I know you were kidding, I just- – he didn't finish the sentence, since Makoto's moist and slightly cracked lips reached his before.

— It's ok! – he dictated as he parted their lips, getting closer to the pilot and placing a hand on his face, lightly brushing his beard. Makoto lightly stroked Clark's cheek with his thumb while watching him fondly. – It's okay, I was just a little surprised. I didn't think you were really going to kiss me! – He said with a smile, his accent pulled up again. The older man's cheeks heated up, and he finally looked into his friend's (Lover? It was just a kiss) eyes again. – When in doubt, it doesn't hurt to ask! – His warm smile touched the biggest one immensely.

Ibrahim nodded, holding it for a moment in Makoto's small hand, his eyes closed, appreciating the heat it emanated. He heard the water stir, and soon felt Makoto's body closer to his, the weight of his head on his shoulder and his free hand lightly caressing his arm. He soon wrapped him in a hug, and the two of them stood there, hugging each other, in their clothes in a pool, for a while.

Unlike the other moments of that night, when a touch that was even more intimate with Makoto made Clark's heart race, now the only things he felt were comfort and peace. Despite being exposed to the cold, he remained warm, the proximity of the bodies warming him, a smile on his face as he enjoyed the heat that settled in his chest and spread over his body, not wanting to leave that position. Just a few more minutes like that. It wasn't even so cold.

That was when the mechanic left a small kiss on his shoulder, taking the initiative to leave the position. Clark missed the heat, the icy water soon doing its job, and guaranteeing him another shaking crisis.

— I think it's time to leave, right? – damura said, sitting on the edge of the pool ready to leave the cover and go to a warmer place when his hand was held by the pilot's, who looked at him with an abandoned dog face. – Do you want to stay in the cold? Seriously? – he asked exaggeratedly disbelieving, getting a little laugh from the Ibrahim.

— Of course not, I just wanted to be with you more. Usually, when I'm in a pool with someone I like, the tendency is for me to use my princely skills to win over the beautiful lady! – the prince dramatized, following the movements of Edamura, who sat on the edge of the pool watching him with amusement. – It’s not always so… slow, i guess. – he ended simply.

— Yeah, but, unfortunately, the prince is awful with romance and was afraid to kiss his humble subject, and because of that, now he will be left in the infinity pool, dreaming with the lips of the beautiful young man who works for him! Am I right? – Edamura looked at him with irritating conviction, and Clark couldn't help but roll his eyes, inevitably smiling. Unfortunately, he was right. – But you know, – the man suddenly became shy, raising Clark's curiosity. – it's not like I'm going to deny you a kiss ... Not that I'm suggesting anything, far from me! It's just ... a reminder.

— Ah, good reminder! Really good, I will make good use of it! – The blue-eyed one exclaimed, not really sure if he would make good use of the reminder. And the minor noticed it, watching as it sank a little deeper. How can a guy as womanizing as he can't get a simple kiss?

Edamura sighed audibly and jumped back into the pool, right in front of Clark, who took a step back in reflex; however, the Japanese man prevented him from moving further, pulling him by the collar of his blouse and taking his lips, startling the man with the sudden act, who took a while to return the kiss. Edamura was soon in his arms again, his hands between Clark's messy, damp strands, pulling him closer, and seeking to deepen the contact. And, God, he was loving it!

Maybe it was the thrill of kissing someone after so long, but Makoto's body seemed to burn just with that simple contact. The butterflies in his stomach fluttered and his heart beat like a samba school drum, playing faster and harder with each little act of Ibrahim, losing the rhythm with each bite distributed over his lips. When Clark asked for permission to deepen the contact, he didn't think twice before giving in, allowing the eldest to guide him in that delightful dance.

However, the kiss was soon stopped, since they lacked air. They were panting, strangely hot, and flushed. Makoto smiled, leaning back against the edge of the pool. He pulled his hair back, receiving a curious look from Clark. He was very expressive, he thought, approaching and stealing a little kiss from him. He shouldn't be fraternizing with the enemy, at least, not like that, but since he was already breaking rules, he would enjoy it.

— So, – Clark began, leaning back beside him, both back in the same position they were in when they met that night. Thinking about it, Edamura looked at the sky again, now admiring how the pilot's eyes weren’t too far from matching that shade of blue. – How was it to kiss a prince, Mr. Edamura?

— Honestly, I should be the one asking this question. – He replied, again making Clark laugh, this time more restrained. – I kissed you, prince!

— Okay, okay, let's keep this part a secret for your sake! – Ibrahim replied while Makoto turned to face him, eyebrows raised in disbelief. – Imagine what a scandal it would be, a servant daring to steal the prince's lips?! It’s better to think that I seduced you. It will also be easier to believe since I am practically irresistible! – and as soon as he finished the sentence, the prince was hit with cold water, complaining soon after, while Makoto laughed at him.

— Clark! – Came a deep voice, which the lovers immediately associated with the older Ibrahim. A chill ran through Edamura's body, fearing Sam's reaction when he saw them in the pool. Well, at least he didn't arrive at a more compromising moment. – Clar- what the hell are you two doing here? – He asked as soon as he saw them, receiving an embarrassed smile from his younger brother and a grunt of shame from the mechanic.

— We fell. – Clark replied simply, scratching the back of his neck, while Makoto plunged in shame and cold water. But apparently, that simple excuse was enough to convince the organizer. It must have been something common, or maybe he just wasn't interested in what caused two people to fall.

— We have some things to talk about, so let's go. – Sam said, and from his tone, that was not a request.

With a sigh, Clark left the pool, following his brother, who was already heading for the elevator. The younger Ibrahim waved to Edamura, whispering "good night" and sending a puffed kiss to the mechanic. Edamura waved back, following him with her eyes until it was no longer possible. Her cheeks flushed and her chest warmed as he remembered the events of that night. Makoto was really screwed if he was forced to tell everything to the team, and honestly, he was no longer so attached to the idea of ​​deceiving those brothers ... well, just one of them.

He sat down on the edge of the pool again, reclining until his back touched the floor. Edamura looked at the sky, and the sky looked back. A few stars shone and brought a smile to the scammer's face. Singapore's sky might not have been the most beautiful he had ever seen, but it was certainly comforting. It reminded him of a certain pilot, whose eyes were similar in color to the sky, and who marked his stay in that country.

#great pretender anime #great pretender #makoto edamura #clark ibrahim #edaclark #makoto edamura x clark ibrahim #edamura x clark #sam ibrahim great pretender #sam ibrahim #makoto edamame #grepe #rarepair #long post #great pretender fic

[keiziahknight1886]

Change

[Change (A Connor x Reader story based on Detroit: Become Human)]

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

xX0Xx

NOV 6TH, 2038 PM 03:37:08

They pulled over to the address from the report and told the people working in the vicinity that they were here to investigate. It was easy for them to get access to the building and as they took the elevator Connor made a report while Y/n checked her gear to make sure nothing was out of place.

"Connor?" 

Y/n called out and Connor's eyes opened to find Y/n in front of him, slightly leaning towards him while she observed his current state.

"I'm sorry, I was making a report to CyberLife."

"You done? We're here."

"Yes, I'm done."

The two walked out of the elevator and headed towards the door where the reported deviant was seen. They had already exchanged intel on the way so Y/n was already well informed of the report and the situation.

"So you're telling me all it takes is a simple thought to make your report?"

"It's a bit more complex than that, but yes. In general, my way of forming a report could be the equivalent of a human's thought process as it is sorting out information but, the difference is, I can send and share my report instantly."

"Wow, that would be so much easier than having to manually type everything down."

"I could help you with any reports you would need to do in the future to make it easier for you."

"Nah, it's fine. I sort of like the mundane feeling making reports give me. It's surreal in a way."

Their short chat ended when they reached the front of the door where Y/n stood to the side to let Connor take the lead.

Connor knock politely yet there was no answer, he looked at Y/n and she gave him a nod to signal trying louder this time.

"Anybody home? Open up! Detroit Police!"

There was an audible sound of something falling from inside the room and Y/n was quick to draw her gun.

"Get behind me."

"Got it."

Y/n positioned herself in front of the door and kicked it opened. It was easy to break seeing as it was an old door.

She proceeds to sweep the area, careful with every step, and making sure her senses stayed sharp.

Connor followed Y/n as she checked each room in the hall and when they reached the last door Y/n kicked it down again but, this time around, a flock of birds flew out of the door making Y/n lose her balance. He had been standing behind her which made It easy for him to catch her and helping her stabilize herself.

"Thanks. Damn birds almost made me shoot." Connor saw her cringe before continuing on.

The entire room was filled with birds and, upon further inspection, the roof lacks a proper ceiling making it perfect for the birds to nest to. Y/n opened up a window in hopes to somewhat ventilate the area.

"Oh God, this place stinks. The things they never teach you in crime school, how to handle a bird situation."

Connor and Y/n proceeded with their investigation, Connor went to investigate the bathroom and the area outside of it while Y/n stuck close to the window.

"R.T. Probably initials."

"He put his initials on his jacket? That is so cute... I mean had it not been in this situation."

Y/n looked around and saw a poster of Urban Farms Detroit on the wall, she looked at it a bit more and saw that a corner had been recently moved. She rips it off and sees a broken wall and a small notebook hidden behind it. She opens it and saw a code that she hadn't encountered.

"The driver's license is fake." Connor spoke up as she looked at the notebook.

"Figures... Hey, check this out." Connor walked over and Y/n gave him the notebook. "You ever seen these symbols and codes before?"

"No... I don't have anything similar in my database. It's indecipherable." 

"Might take weeks to decode... Keep it for now, let's move to the other room."

They both walked over to the bathroom and both took a look at the wall.

"Obsessive Compulsive Writing..." Y/n mumbled as she checked the wall.

"rA9... written 2471 times... It's the same sign Ortiz's android wrote on the shower wall... Why are they obsessed with this sign?..."

"Well, this must be our main lead. If this rA9 has a connection with all androids then we better look into it." Y/n spoke as she walked over to the sink where she found an LED. "Its LED is in the sink... And some of its Thirium."

Connor leaned down to reconstruct what happened in the room and it only took him a few seconds, he stood up and walked outside, he walked over to a cage on the ground and Y/n went over to the kitchen-like area.

"Birdseed... It was feeding these pigeons... No wonder they're all nested here..."

Y/n's attention shifted towards Connor who, after examining the cage, stood up and started walking towards the chair by the closet. She walked over to him and followed the direction he was looking at.

"Connor?.." She spoke carefully as she placed her hand on her holster.

Before Connor could reply someone had jumped down from the ceiling and made a run for it, Y/n's reflexes kicked in and drew her gun to shoot but missed as the pigeons flew away after being startled.

"After him!" Y/n yelled as she made chase.

Connor ran after her and the deviant and he saw that Y/n wasn't having any trouble trying to keep up with the deviant, that was until they reached some setbacks. There were choices between safe and risky and Y/n chose the safer route.

"I'll try to corner it using a different route! Keep on its tail!"

Connor seamlessly obeyed while Y/n made her own way, she saw people holding a blueprint of the area and snatched it as she was running.

"Hey!"

"Detroit Police! I'll give this back later!"

Following the map, Y/n had run to the shortest detour she could find and basing it on the direction the deviant was moving on. She didn't have much experience in reading blueprints but her intuition was sharp and she could make split-second decisions seamlessly.

She followed the building's blueprints and ended up on the roof of one of the buildings. She saw the deviant already on its way towards her and she thought that it was perfect timing but she hadn't expected it to shove her.

Not having the right footing and momentum, Y/n fell off the edge but was quick to hold on.

SOFTWARE INSTABILITY▲

"Shit!"

Connor, having seen this, had the option to chase after the deviant or save Y/n. He knew the mission was important but he didn't even need to double think as he quickly ran over to Y/n to pull her off the ledge. Once she was on solid ground she looked at Connor and he saw rage and adrenaline rush through her.

"This isn't over."

Y/n, fueled with anger and adrenaline, ran towards the direction where the deviant was and made a perfect execution of a jump and roll.

Connor saw this and rant after her.

They both saw that the deviant had stopped by the edge, thinking that it was safe but, Y/n had jumped him by grabbing his collar and pulling him, effectively getting him on the ground with her pinning him down by the arm.

"You little shit..."

Connor had never heard Y/n curse a lot, much less seen her be angry, but after looking at her now he could clearly see the anger that radiated off her.

"Please. I've done nothing wrong... I just wanted to be free."

Connor saw a flicker of hesitation in Y/n eyes and he saw her purse her lips but, she took out her cuffs and proceeded to put it around his wrists.

"Connor, statement."

He looked at Y/n for a bit, he was still trying to process her change in attitude but seeing as he doesn't want to make her even angrier he complied.

"Model 874 004 961, serious malfunctions have been detected in your software, including class 4 errors. You have been deemed defective and will be sent back to CyberLife for deactivation."

"Why are you doing this?" The android asked as Y/n forced him up. "You're on of us!"

"Quiet."

"You're helping humans... But you're just their slave."

"That's enough. Get moving."

Y/n held on to the deviant and proceeds to escort him but the deviant closed its eyes and muttered what seemed to be a prayer.

"rA9, save me."

It suddenly ran back but Y/n's instinct kicked in and she was able to tackle him to the ground fast enough before he could commit suicide, his head was on the ledge and he was squirming under her but Y/n was pressing all of her weight on him.

"Let me go! I'd rather die! I just want to be free!"

"It's no use, stop moving."

The same cold tone Connor heard this morning was present in Y/n's voice again, it made him want to be compliant and it seemed to have the same effect on the android. The android stopped moving and Y/n told Connor to help him up.

"Make sure to hold on to him tightly."

They made their way back to the front of the building where, on the way there, Y/n had called backup. There was already a police car waiting for them and, when they were almost close, Connor and the android heard Y/n mutter under her breath.

"I'm sorry..."

Both Connor and the android looked at her but she was keeping a straight face. When they gave the android to the other officers, the android took a look at Y/n again, this time she looked him in the eye and Connor saw guilt along with pity. She turned her head away as the officers got him into the car and she walked away.

"Hey, Y/n!" One of the officers approached. "Great work out there."

"Thanks, Chris." Y/n replied with a forced smile that Connor could see through.

Chris Miller, one of the officers, had debriefed with Y/n about what had happened and after their conversation, she walked towards her father's car.

"Come on, Connor. Let's get back and report what happened."

The ride to the station was quiet and no one said a word, Connor had the option to ask about her anger, about her thoughts on the android or about making the report but he was leaning on asking about her anger in hopes to understand her better and so, he asked.

"Can I ask you a personal question, Y/n?"

"I guess..."

"During the arrest of that android, you showed signs of intense anger... Why is that?"

"Why, wouldn't you be mad if someone decided to push you off a roof?"

Y/n's cold and snark reply somewhat surprised Connor, since the arrest of the android she had been on edge and showed the same temper her father had. He saw her grip the steering wheel tighter before letting out a sigh.

"I was... scared... Not scared that I was going to die, no... I was scared of what my dad would do if he found out... That I was killed because of an android..."

Connor saw a tear come from on her cheek and she wiped it away with her palm, he could see her body tense as a result of emotions surging through her.

"I don't want him to go through that again."

They reached a stoplight and Y/n looked at Connor, she saw a small smile form on her face and he could see gratitude in her eyes.

"Thank you, for choosing to help me."

"It was the right thing to do."

Y/N▲ FRIEND

SOFTWARE INSTABILITY▲ 

Connor's LED flashed yellow as he looked at Y/n but he diverted his eyes to the road ahead.

-------

When they got back to the station the mood had gotten better, Y/n had even played music while on the road which was an indicator that her mood was good. Connor had noticed that among other things during the short time he worked with her and he made sure to save her quirks in his memory.

"I'll make a quick report to the Captain, then we can make our own respective reports. You can wait for me at my desk."

"Understood."

Connor's eyes followed Y/n and waited for her to enter the Captain's office before he walked over to the desk and wait for her there, a few minutes passed and he notices Hank enter. Hank also spots him and walks over.

"Heard you caught a deviant today."

"Yes but Y/n mostly did all the work. She had caught the deviant and even stopped it from escaping and committing suicide."

"That's Y/n for you, no android can surpass her skill." He huffed proudly. "Anything else happen?"

Connor had the choice of lying or telling the truth. Y/n seemed really shaken with what had happened but for the reason that he believed would make Hank worry, he could lie based on that but after assessing their relationship he figured that a father would want to know what happens to his daughter.

"Well?"

"I must inform you, Lieutenant. During the chase, the deviant had pushed Y/n off the edge of a building. I managed to save her but she had a big chance of survival so, either way, she would have been fine."

"SHE WAS WHAT?!"

Hank yelled out and got the majority of the office's attention, he grabbed Connor by the shoulders and Connor could see the fear and worry in the older man's eyes and demeanor.

"The f**k did you just say?!"

"Y/n was pushed by a deviant and almost fell from the ledge. I was able to help her back up and even though she almost fell she still chased after the deviant and successfully capture it."

"Holy shit... Was she ever going to tell me about this?.."

Hank let Connor go and he looked at the Lieutenant, he could answer it coldly, with facts or sincerely. Seeing as the older man looked very worried he thought being sincere would be for the best.

"I... think she wouldn't... Y/n told me that she wasn't scared for her life but of how you would react if she had died because of a deviant."

HANK▲

"What's going? Is everything okay?"

Y/n came from behind Hank, Connor figured that she was already finished reporting to the captain and was here to make a report with him about the incident.

"...Dad?.."

Her father stared at her for a bit with an emotion of worry and fear that she hadn't seen in a long time before pulling her in an embrace.

Y/n's breath stopped and she was frozen still, she looked at Connor who was just looking at them and had somewhat of a small smile on his face. She looked at her father again who still kept her in a tight embrace. Before she could hug him back though, he abruptly let her go.

"Uh..." He cleared his throat. "Heard you caught the deviant, good work."

That was all he said before he walked away in a rush and, although he just got back to the station, he left.

"...Thanks?.."

Y/n looked over to Connor who just stared at her, he saw her shake the confusion out of her head and sat down her desk.

"What was up with that?"

"I have no idea." 

Connor replied with a small smile and she playfully rolled her eyes, as they both were about to start their reports Y/n's smartwatch started ringing. When Y/n looked at the caller it was her best friend, Elizabeth. Y/n grabbed her earpiece that was connected to her smartwatch and answered the call.

"Hey, Lizzie."

"Hey, N/n. Are you busy?" Elizabeth asked on the line.

"Not that much, was just about to start making a report. Why?"

"I really need a favor. Can you pick Emily up and drop her off at home? I'm a little busy to pick her and she's probably waiting there already."

Y/n looked at the time on her watch and saw that it was half-past 5 PM which was normally when Elizabeth's daughter, Emily, came out of school.

"Sure, I'll just head over there and pick her up. Call her school to inform her though."

"Thanks, N/n. I owe you."

"No problem, busy day?"

"Oh you have no idea, call me when you pick her up."

"Got it."

Y/n hung the call and looked at Connor who was patiently waiting for her to finish.

"Sorry but I have to head over someplace, friend asked for a favor. I'll finish the report at home. Are you going to stay here with the other androids?"

"No, I'll be going back to CyberLife until further notice."

"Alright. Here's my number, call me if you need me. See you, Con."

Y/n leaves a written down note on the table with her number and after that, casually grabs her bag, she gives him a small salute before heading out of the station.

Connor's LED spun bright yellow as he watched her leave with only one thing on his mind.

"Con?"

xX0Xx

Chapter Five

#detroit become human #detroit become human x reader #detroit become human connor x reader #connor #rk800 #x reader #reader insert #connor x reader #dbh connor #reader is an anderson #hank anderson #rk800 connor

[migleefulmoments]

So... Abby responds to her family's intervention by obediently telling them she'll stop (ie. lying to them). She then immediately tries to find ways to keep the blog in secret, hiding behind various usernames, lurking on her coven's blogs, more time deleting posts from both blogs we know about. Meaning, instead of getting help, she spends even MORE time online engaging in more batshit crazy crap to cover her ass. Yeah, sure, that doesn't signal dire need for mental health intervention AT ALL.

It looks like that is what is happening.  We will have to see what the future holds. What does Abby do? 

So far the fandom is flailing. Cassie got a couple of anons- one that reads like those anons Abby used to send herself as it covers all the issues they are most upset about so perfectly well (My comments in parenthesis and italicized:: 

Anonymous asked: Even if I am unsure about CC itself, I don't buy M*arr*n. I just don't. And the other side is using doxing and the fact that you and others say things they don't like about M as an excuse to do so and as a way to detract from the fact that their couple goals have some pretty big, glaring plot holes in their love story. I've not seen anyone on this side of the fandom out or dox anyone publicly as a way of humiliation. M gave up her privacy by dating D, but Abby didn't and they were wrong. Period. 

cassie1022 answered: Nonnie, I swear every time they diagnose us as mentally ill or say we’re bitter hags, an LGBTQ angel gets his or her wings. We all know my beliefs, but there are MANY people that are like you and don’t know for sure about CC but sure as hell know Miarren isn’t a normal, healthy relationship. (Funny thing, I don’t remember anyone diagnosing Cassie as mentally ill. Cassie is alwasy the wallflower that nobody wants to dance with and she tries so hard to be part of the fun people. Last week she was sad because I hadn’t sent her a “hate” message (See comment in last post below) 

Even if I remove D from the situation, I would still think M is a lazy, spoiled toddler with no discernable work ethic coupled with a superiority complex that rivals the Cheeto in Command of the US.

You are absolutely correct. Our fandom just wants to be left alone. We don’t send hateful asks to the other side. We don’t have to. They feel they have the right to dox CCers because they don’t like what we say about M, a woman that would light a cigarette from the flames engulfing them and not call 911 to help them. I mean, honestly, it doesn’t get much lower than mocking someone’s death. Plus, as you correctly said, M put herself in the spotlight “dating” D. If she didn’t want that attention, she would have stayed in the background. There are plenty of celebrities married to non famous people and we don’t see them at every event like we do M. (It is BAFFLING to me that they can’t comprhend something as simple and obvious as the reasaon they “see Mia everywhere” is because they fucking stalk her and they hyperanalzye every photo Darren is in looking for her. If they started stalking Ben Feldman they would see his wife just as much as they see Mia).    

Bottom line is what they did to Abby was deplorable, but, just like their kween, they feel justified in doing whatever they want. This isn’t the first time they’ve crossed a line with regards to my friend, but it was the worst.

notes-from-nowhere Anon, they love to throw the guilt of their actions on our shoulders, it’s how they justify what they do to themselves. They need us to be the bad guys otherwise what is the only option left? (I never know what the hell Notes is trying to say- throw the guilt of our actions on their shoulders? I’d love an example of that. I can’t imagine what guilty action I put on their shoulder. As for needing them to be the bad guys or what do we have left? OMFG are you kidding me? We critcize the cc fandom for being misogynistic, homophobic, bullies who attack  Mia, Darren, Ricky and their own Nonnies. They have viscioulsy attacked people in their own fandom who dared to question them. But the biggest reason we push back is because THEY LIE. All the damn time. So what do we have left? Being on the right side, being correct, not lying, not needing to lie, and the joy of watching Darren live his best life)   

Leka got a couple of asks but her answers were weak, confusing and pointless. It’s clear she isn’t ready to take over as their leader. She repeated Abby’s main talking points, tried to use big words to sound smarter and basically ended up not making a lot of sense:

Anonymous asked: I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but I think the character on the HW poster holding the girl is D's character, it would fit if you look at the other guys on the poster, maybe this is already the first hint to show D's character is not gay and so technically not breaking the no more queer roles rule his team set for him. It won't make it any better because it's still a career on the bag of LGBTQ+ people with it's teams but it's technically not a broken rule. I just really need for things to change, I want them to so bad, it kills me seeing someone so kind in a situation like that, and I truly believe D is one of the kindest people in that horrible town. He deserves better than M, I wouldn’t even mind if he goes onto another beard but she and RR just need to go. I really think it’s crazy people still think everything HW is real and PR relationships don’t exist, I wished that place was just better and had a moral compass, people deserve more it kind of shows just how jaded this situation has made me, I can’t even enjoy amazing promo material without directly twisting it into something negative, I don’t want to be this way and if I feel like this I can’t even imagine how D must feel. He is stronger than I’ll ever be living through hell every day, even if he’s not ok he’s still here and holding on, I don’t know if I could in his position. Sorry for the long message and the unneeded negativity, I guess I just had to vent a little

*********************************

Leka answered: So let’s look at the way HW is described:

“Each character offers a unique glimpse behind the gilded curtain of Hollywood’s Golden Age, spotlighting the unfair systems and biases across race, gender and sexuality that continue to this day. Provocative and incisive, HOLLYWOOD exposes and examines decades-old power dynamics, and what the entertainment landscape might look like if they had been dismantled.”

I do consider this the very intriguing thing about the news. (And it just goes to show that believing everything you’re sold is being utterly and completely ignorant.) Let’s say you’re right because ofc it’s possible. How does R/aymond fit in here? Given the excessive way team shit has pushed that article, a technicality won’t be good enough. There has to be a better plan. This doesn’t match what’s been said in his name.

What I think is this doesn’t necessarily have to mean much. You know very well what you see doesn’t have to be the (full) truth. That doesn’t just apply to the real HW. Especially considering the time period of this show. And let’s not forget the pap pics we got at a gas station. This doesn’t rule out SB as an inspiration. I would advise anyone to read up on him. We don’t know at this point. As we keep saying, the best thing to do is to wait and see. I’m certainly interested in finding out more.

As time goes on, the danger of this situation keeps becoming even clearer to me. D deserves much, much better. He’s incredibly strong, but the most toxic person in his life needs to go and she’s more than welcome to take the jumping jackass with her. That’s definitely the most important thing right now. (I’m curious what the danger of Hollywood is?)

awesome-fanfictionada: @leka-1998I’m just wondering - it must have been D who got himself this job on HW, right? Couldn’t this have been done on purpose to counter that ridiculous statement - which wasn’t even accurate, if the source was that interview where he stated that he wouldn’t want to be a casting director? Could in this case RM be a friend?

leka-1998:  @awesome-fanfictionada Yes, he did that himself. Again. And he said the show’s been sold late in 2018. According to an article that came out later, it happened in February 2019. Not true.

HW has been a thing before that statement was made, which is indeed very different from the answer D himself gave during the interview. That’s what makes the article seem like sabotage by team shit. And standing in RM’s way is never a good idea. So while I will obviously never like him, I’m reserving judgment on his current role until we know more.

Anonymous asked: The underlying issue in general is really that social media has made it so people think they get an accurate glimpse into the lives of celebrities, when in reality social media, like everything else that is publicly released about them, is used as a marketing tool. People are actually more inauthentic than they've ever been because they feel pressure to maintain a certain image for social media at all times. So anyone who decides D is living honestly, it's because they want to believe he is.

Leka: True, nonnie. Just look at the text lines that are becoming more popular again. Not nearly as genuine as people want to believe. In D’s case, what has to be brought up? M. Oh Halloween and her amazing shopping skills praised on SM. The work fam honeymoon pic promoting the place they stayed at. Coa/chella for the H&M ad. Mardi Gras posted shortly after the mockery to promote the designer. I could obviously go on. Most of what we see on SM shows the person the 10 year crew wants him to be. And what looks like a split personality if you compare certain posts. Which brings me back to ‘they want to believe’, as what you’re saying clearly isn’t a secret. Anyone can choose to ignore it but at this point, if that’s the case even though you’re more or less paying attention, it’s really a conscious decision.

Oh btw, there’s a HW IG account now and it already has a D follow. Imagine that. R/oyalties co-stars, anyone?

Flowers didn’t get any asks. Amazing since she has more followers than I do and she bragged about getting more “notes” than me.  She did answer azscc who posted an odd rant that baffles me.  Who the fuck is azscc and who is posting anything about her? I realize I am not the only person in this fandom posting about ccers But I just checked all the blogs that I know of and nobody is talking about her; 

azsc  its so weird how chillarrens call me a bully while i only say something rude towards them if they write bullshit towards me. and its just ironic how chillarrens go around calling people bullies while they are the reason why tons of cc accounts use their accounts private or don’t post their opinions and etc. the real threat to the fandom are people like you. so instead of going around throwing shit on people and calling them “mental, delusional...” get a life. no cc believer goes around hunting for chillarren pics and insult the account owner so why don’t you all grow up and realize no one has to agree with your opinions. every crisscolfer blog/twitter page/insta acc basically stan accs never asked for your opinions on their pages so why don’t you just let it go? no one cares about what you all say or do so why are you forcing it this much?

call me a bully i am pretty much okay with that. its obvious that people are unable to understand basic sarcasm and irony and i am not judging because to actually understand what people say you have to at least have an average IQ level. and if you don’t have it, it’s okay but that doesn’t mean you can twist people’s words and post them all over the internet. but its lowkey really funny that i only had my instagram acc for something like 4/5 months and i received over 300 hate/insult/blackmail/death wish messages and etc. and who are you people to call us bullies? (Nobody is a Chillarren. Darren and Mia are married and Chris and Will are in a long-term relationsihp,  Nobody has to “ship” them in order to believe they are together. In America, we accept that when someone introduces their wife or their boyfriend they are telling the truth. It is customary to address that person as their wife or boyfriend respectively. The crisscolfers on the other hand, must use a fandom ship name because they are shipping two people who are not in a relationship and never were. All evidence indicates Chris and Darren are no long friends; they are nothing more than former co-workers-friendly and polite when they see one another but no longer involved in one another’s lives. Chris and Darren both have denied (more than once) that the were ever in a relationship).  .   

flowersintheattic254 I have never in my whole time here posted an anon to a Miarren account. I have no desire to. I’m confident in my beliefs.

The interesting thing for me is that I’ve been here for about four years now and in that time I’ve seen the head of the fandom disappear, other people disappear because their families have been doxed, established long-term cc blogs with a wealth of history deleted without warning. I myself have had my daughters threatened.  This sort of stuff doesn’t happen anywhere in the fandom but here here. If we are a bunch of delusional crazy middle-aged women then this shouldn’t happen. (Who was doxed? Who dissappered? It’s all “liar liar” with everything ccers say. In the last 4 years Abby has been the only leader of the cc fandom. Michelle left between 4 and 5 years ago because her outrageious cc comments threatened her ability to raise money for her little Klaine-fanfic rip-off movie. I vaguely remember someone asking flowers how her daugther’s would feel if they read what she writes- hardly a threat. If there was something more she never posted any proof. As for blogs being deleted- so was D-Criss News.  It happens. The only cc blog that I know of that disappeared was DisneyPrincessModelWorld’s original blog which had was a hot mess of lies and catfishing. She visciously bullied Mia. Hardly someone to mourn their blog being deleted). 

It’s shocking that an actor may lgbt causes such drama. (HUH?)

Flower’s comment is so disingenuous. While it is technically true -she hasn’t sent me anons, she HAS instead publically ridiculed me and frankly, I can’t see how that is any different? I’d say it’s worse because they wanted their followers to see what they wrote and the only way to ensure that is to post it on their blogs. Flowers and Abby posted many public “Michy” posts.  Here is her most recent: 

flowersintheattic254Oh and I guess Michy sent us all some hate today.

I guess I have way more followers than you and only about 4 that send hate. You haven’t for ages.

I think I have over 70,000 hits currently to my blog. I must be saying something interesting.

He’s been married allegedly for a year and people still doubt. That’s gotta hurt you. Anyway......

✌️

ajw720 Michy told me today today that the outing couldn’t possibly be promo, because JS was only cast in September!  What a moron who clearly doesn’t know how HW works.  Sweetheart, it was ANNOUNCED in September;)

I was waiting for a few more months, but in 4 years, since i have been tracking, i have almost a million! (976,695 to be precise).

It is amazing that so many people care about what us bat shit crazy, irrelevant, psychologically unstable, threatening, hateful tin hats have to say!  And that does not include people reading on their dash or that hit you on the app!  So yep, Michy, clearly what we are saying is being monitored by someone.  And clearing making people think!! But you keep wasting your time writing for your audience of 4:)

cassie102 I feel left out, Michy didn't come at me today. Must hurt like hell knowing you're a joke that perpetuates a bigger joke.

leka-1998 Birds of a fake feather flock together. When the right person says tomorrow’s Christmas, tomorrow’s Christmas. Get ready, everyone.

If I narrow it down to the last six months, about 10,000 btw. Hm strange.

flowersintheattic254 @ajw720 the number of hits you have give me oxygen. If Michy thinks they are haters then she is delusional. People know when they are being sold something fake and they look for answers.

[paperclipninja]

Younger post-ep ramble 6x08

When episodes of TV shows are touted as 'epic' or 'game changing' I tend to proceed with caution, because chances of it living up to the hype are generally pretty slim. When it comes to Younger though, I should know better than to doubt such claims and 'Debu-taunt' (another pun-tastic title btw) really has changed the game and delivered some of the most poignant and meaningful character interactions of the series. This week's episode got back to the core of what this show is about: the female friendships in all their complexity. We saw lovely moments that deepened Diana and Liza's romantic relationships too of course, but these ultimately amplified the supportive and supporting role the men play in the women's lives. I've gotta say, I found this week's ramble hard to write because where do you start with an episode you've been anticipating for so long? The beginning, let's start at the beginning...

The episode opens with Liza and Charles living out some kind of domestic morning fantasy (minus the grapefruit for me thanks) and seeing the townhouse kitchen area in the daylight was something new, it's so much bigger than I realised! The entire scene is so aesthetically pleasing, particularly the Charles-in-a-vest-and-shirt situation as well as coordination of tie and Liza's dress, but of course it serves the far greater purpose of letting us know that Liza has fully integrated into the lives of Nicole and Bianca, right down to helping with homework and offering to drop a forgotten report off at school. It has been quite a few seasons since we saw or heard from the Brooks children and I fully appreciate catching a glimpse of Charles in dad-mode on the phone to Bianca, it's easy to forget that these characters have these other dimensions to their lives (speaking of which, is there some kind of alert out for Caitlin at this point? The lack of texts or calls or mentions is curious...Caitlin, if you're reading this, we're not mad, just let us know you're ok). Charles' gratitude to Liza for going to the school naturally makes my sappy heart swell, the 'I don't deserve you' only made better by his tardiness not being enough to stop him going back for a second kiss goodbye.

Pesky climate change forces Liza to discover she does not have a coat at Charles', but fortunately for her there is an entire closet full of coats, which naturally she does not question and is definitely not some kind of set up for a run in with the ex. Except it is of course and even as a viewer I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me watching Pauline ask Liza if the unexpectedness of their run in is why she is wearing her coat (seriously, I'm overwhelmed with second hand embarrassment typing this). Also, what was Pauline doing there? Just hanging out at the school for reasons or was she lurking in case Charles turned up with the report so she could catch a peek of him in a three-piece? While this remains a mystery (though who could blame her lbh), Pauline's desire to 'bury the hatchet' with Liza was def suspicious, but a nice distraction from the cringe-worthy, 'Bianca mentioned that she had two mommies' comment Mrs. Clipper makes before it's decided that Liza should be added to the pick-up list as she will 'be around for the long haul'. I am so grateful to see Liza showing that she is committed to and wants the life she has chosen with Charles in this episode. Regardless of what happens down the track, it's nice to see this character backing her own choices and decisions for now.

Any seasoned television watcher's alarm bells no doubt went off when Pauline cited the divorce negotiations as 'more or less behind us' (and again when Charles mentioned that 'it seems the worst is over' at the coffee station) because we all know that in the land of TV this 100% means it's only a matter of time before they will not be.

Keeping in the theme of wonderful character interactions, I may never get used to Charles and Liza just hanging out in the office (particularly Charles hovering around as an editor instead of the boss, but I am here for it until the end of time) and his adoring gaze as Liza recalls the awkward horror of her interaction with Pauline is topped off with a shared Harry Potter appreciation moment and honestly, these two and their nerd love, I cannot. The way the conversation about Liza moving in unfolded was so natural and yes, the answer is ALWAYS YES Liza when Charles Brooks suggests starting each day waking up together (insert swoon here). It turns out Liza doesn't overthink it, cue guilt pie and Pinot Noir with Maggie.  

These two are friendship goals times a thousand and Maggie's unwavering support upon hearing Liza talk about how she knows it's fast but it feels right epitomises the way these two only want one another's happiness (even if Maggie's expression as Liza goes to call Charles and tell him she will be moving in indicates she is going to very much miss her roommate). I loved hearing about and imagining them drinking wine and binging The Great British Bake Off and just how well they know and value one another, ugh, I could not gush more about all of it and this whole exchange felt like such a treat. I was envisioning Kelsey moving in once Liza moved out and I'm still holding out hope for this to happen when Liza does eventually make the move (remaining optimistic on this one even though I do pine for Liza/Maggie loft moments).

The sneak peek for this week showed us yet another golden interaction and that was, of course, Diana telling Charles about her engagement to Enzo. The main takeaways are a) Diana referring to herself as Charles' work wife and Charles's amused smile; b) Diana asking Charles for his blessing and him not really knowing why but giving it and; c) the longest hug in the world as Diana coaxes Charles into announcing her engagement to the office. I love that the interactions between these two always have a slightly awkward undertone but there is genuine care and warmth too. Diana telling Charles that he has always been able to read her like a book (lol) and the two sitting there with their hands together was just such a testament to their fabulously wacky relationship.

What better way to ensure that any DRAH-MAH unfolds in an overwhelmingly public forum than the morning meeting reveal that there is a Publishers Weekly Debutante Ball (for first time authors)  thrown every year! Turns out this is the event of the season, despite it being the first time Liza has heard about it (to be fair she has probs been distracted by the faux millennial facade previous years so didn't clock that this was a legit thing). I am digging Kelsey heading up and holding her own in these meetings, she is definitely stepping up to her new role it seems and I am keen to see how it continues to develop.  And those little looks across the conference room table between Charles and Liza, I see you.

Zane's gears still seem stuck on obnoxious since last ep, first throwing in Jake Devereux as a suggested author for the deb (a clear jab at Kelsey) and then putting his foot in it after hearing Diana's news by suggesting that DeLuca is 'better than Trout'. First of all, who in their right mind would say that out loud, let alone assume an established woman in her 40's (or any woman for that matter) is going to take a new husband's surname? Though Diana DeLuca is pretty great, I could definitely see her using it as an alias during future hi-jinx (preferably with Liza now that they can be actual proper friends, but I'm getting ahead of myself).

Right from the get go Her Majesty D. Trout is taking none of Zane's rubbish, asking him to use his words when he finally offers up PTB as a deb option and her zero tolerance for insolence continues when she corrects his question of who she's engaged to with, 'to whom'. At this stage of my love for this character, I'm really just wondering what sized portrait of Diana I should put in my shrine to her. This all comes out after Charles is prompted to announce Diana's big news (I'm kind of loving that Charles is a bit hopeless at remembering these sorts of details, last week when he'd failed to mention Bob and Julia would be on their table, then this week with the announcement...soon enough we'll be regaling ourselves with a collection of these, and we'll laugh and shake our heads as we mutter 'classic Chaz' under our breath) and it is of course Liza's reaction that is next level and so freaking OTT and I love it with every fibre of my being. Seriously, her yell-cheering and clapping is me in any excitement-inducing situation. My love for her love of Diana starts here and embarks on one hell of a ride from here onward during this ep.

While this episode certainly had a more serious tone than some others (I think this was definitely emphasised by the music choices too, there was a distinct lack of the usual pop/vocal and much more instrumental), Liza following Diana into her office semi-screeching, 'I'm so excited, why aren't you more excited?' met by Diana's 'Liza, please deactivate yourself', was hilarious. Diana asked Liza to be maid of honour in a way only Diana could and I tell you what, I damn delighted in that one hug a year. Everything about this scene was SO good, which of course meant that there was a dagger waiting right around the corner to plunge into our rib-cages and shatter our hearts into a million pieces (I wish I was being dramatic but where is the lie?)

That dagger's name is Pauline and it's during lunch that Liza discovers her real motivation for being all chummy and that is wanting Liza to help with her new book. Always a smart cookie, Liza agrees, in exchange for Pauline attending the Debutante Ball as Millennial's deb (I have to admit I did chuckle with the 'do you need to borrow a dress?' line). Despite dodgy af being Pauline's general modus operandi, I actually do think she was being sincere in her initial offer to move forward and let the whole 'you're-now-with-my-husband-and-my-kids-love-you-maybe-more-than-me-because-I-abandoned-them-for-a-year-at-a-pivotal-point-in-their-development' thing slide for the sake of maintaining some sort of relationship with her soon-to-be ex-husband and their children. If only she knew that the reason Liza understood her better than any of her current editors was because they were basically the same age and had similar life experiences...

...well THANK GOD for Mrs. Clipper, the true villain of the episode if you ask me, who quite frankly can't seem to get her paws on that copy of Liza's drivers license fast enough after Pauline tells her that men in her circle are always leaving their wives for assistants in their twenties. I might be off on an island on my own here, but you know what, I actually felt sorry for Pauline in this moment. In her mind Charles has also been deceived and by extension, her children, so I completely understand her initial reaction and feeling that she needs to tell Charles immediately and rescue him from this betrayal.

That all goes down at the Debutante Ball because it must of course, but first we catch Kelsey, Lauren and Zane reminiscing about their own proms at this prom for grown ups, with Lauren here for it and we unsurprisingly discover Zane was prom king (I heart Lauren's 'that tracks' comment). You always know whatever's about to go down is extra EXTRA when you see a couple of characters blissfully happy and unaware everything is about to implode, such as Charles and Liza celebrating their moving-in milestone, before Liza is whisked away backstage. When Charles is confronted by frantic Pauline and she discovers he knew about the lie too, I could imagine that up until that point she thought this would be something that would bond them in outrage, but it ended up being just another blow. While Pauline clearly has impulse issues and a pretty prominent vindictive streak, I do think it's one thing to wrap her head around her husband falling in love with a younger woman (though I do not understand on what planet Pauline thought she could piss off for a year on her own terms with zero communication and then just return to her life and there would be no upheaval) but the discovery that it was someone she could consider a peer would cut deeper.

As Pauline latched on to Liza's arm, it was like watching a live animal being led into the lion enclosure at dinner time.  I'm breaking out in a stress sweat just thinking about this scene, even though you could see it coming it was utterly shocking to watch unfold. The announcer emphasising that theirs was the only partnership in which the mentor was younger ensured the dagger was perfectly lined up before Pauline once again applied some revisionist history to her abandonment of the family, making a point of coming across as the blameless victim whose husband was 'lost' to the assistant standing beside her. As Pauline keeps talking Charles is clearly wary and concerned about where this is going and Kelsey quickly clues in just as Pauline drops that Liza is in fact 42 years old and the entire room gasps and murmurs and revels in the audacious reveal.

Enter Diana and that dagger is twisted well and truly into my fragile heart as she immediately assumes that 'this woman is deranged' and jumps to the defence of Liza, despite Charles and Liza trying to stop her. The fact that Diana tells Charles that she will not let this woman 'slander us', that she sees them as one united team, and holds Liza in such high esteem that she would put her own fear of making a scene aside to protect Liza's integrity, only made Liza's confirmation that 'it's true' even more heart-shattering. Miriam Shor deserves every damn award created for her acting in this entire episode, but the last 10 minutes in particular are nothing short of phenomenal. When Diana realises that Charles and Kelsey knew and that she had just made a spectacle of herself in front of a room full of the most important people in publishing, her need to escape is understandable and a panic attack is not an unreasonable physical response to such a huge revelation in such a public forum (I mean I was basically having one watching it all tbh).

Enzo's relief upon hearing that it was a panic attack is palpable and the interaction between him and Diana in the hospital may well be my favourite between these two yet. We see Diana as we've never seen her in this series; vulnerable, emotional, no necklace and no makeup. Always one to deliver a stellar line, her response to Enzo's 'how are you?',  'I'm fine, I've just lost trust in humanity as a whole, but other than that I'm fine', was on point and Enzo's response that 'she looks good' when Diana shares Liza's true age was A+ (for line and delivery). It is Diana's embarrassment at being that 'village idiot' when everybody else knew (I really wanted to somehow jump into my screen in that moment and tell her that Lauren and Zane didn't know either, it's not just you!) that took my heart pieces and trampled on them some more. I think it's because she is always so composed and controlled, but seeing Diana holding onto Enzo and saying that she just wants him, demonstrates how much he steadies her and allows her to be herself.

Just outside the room, Charles and Liza face a step back as Pauline has phoned to say she wants to re-visit the custody agreement (which I really struggle to see the relevance of or how Liza saying she was younger is anywhere near as bad as up and leaving your two small children for a year but sure, I'll play along for the sake of drama), which means that they cannot move in together as planned, Liza's lie has now impacted the man she loves as well as Diana and Charles feels responsible for Pauline exposing Liza the way she did. Liza reassuring Charles that he was just protecting her and the way he pulled her in to comfort her made any remnants of my shattered heart swell. It was such a tender moment between them and there was something about the parallel of Enzo comforting Diana in the room at the same time, whether intentional or not, that really stressed the uncertainty and distress both women were experiencing.

Josh phoning Liza to give her a hard time about being an upper East side lady was actually a really nice way to see this friendship developing (I would definitely expect my friends to do that) because had the timing not been so atrocious, I assume it would've been an otherwise pleasant conversation in which he would be happy for her (that's what I'm going with anyway). Obviously this call was to show that Liza's lie has once again stonewalled her and stopped her being able to move forward in her life and that she feels she's messed up everything at work and for Charles with his kids. Since learning that there were a number of deleted scenes, including the one in which Diana got her engagement ring, I must say that I feel like the phone call could probably have been omitted in lieu of progressing Diana's story for this episode and the choice to include it definitely feels like an extremely contrived attempt to stoke the triangle.

The fallout from the age reveal will no doubt play out over the coming episodes, however Lauren and Zane are still trying to wrap their heads around it the next morning (and again Zane, why on EARTH do you think you would've been someone who should know this information? I think I can count on one hand the number of conversations I've seen Liza and Zane have. Actually, no I can't because it's so few I can't even remember one) but I will say that I paused on the article Lauren is reading and Jackie Dunn has given a statement in it and this show, I swear, it outdoes itself even when no-one might notice. I appreciated Kelsey's itchy scalp to emphasise the stress of the situation and Lauren addressing Liza as 'Ma'am' was pretty darn funny (though I am a bit surprised at Lauren's reaction. I thought she'd be more intrigued and want to know all the details of how she did it etc.) But it is the final 3 minutes of this week's episode that absolutely blew me away and left me quite literally crying on the train as I watched.

There have been moments that have made me tear up and certainly times when character interactions have held such meaning on this show that the feelings are many, but there really never has been a scene like the one between Diana and Liza at the end of this week's episode of Younger. Diana's minimal make up and jewellery emphasised the rawness and realness of the entire exchange. Diana saying that she wouldn't have hired Liza if she'd known and Liza being able to say, 'exactly', made the point of why she told the initial lie so simply. In that moment Diana can understand Liza's need to lie about her age, but it is Diana's search for why, beyond that initial deceit, did Liza fetch her coffee and lunch and her urine samples...and hold her hand on the red carpet and convince her to go after Enzo...that she needs to know if everything else was real or was it part of the ploy to uphold the lie. Seeing Diana with her heart on her sleeve, needing to know if her perception of their relationship was a farce, was one of the most powerful moments, if not THE most powerful moment of this series. 

The resolution, that ‘honesty is the best policy’ and that Liza is no longer her maid of honour but her ‘old maid of honour’ could not have been more perfect. And in case I wasn’t already a blubbering mess, Diana’s emotional, ‘I just want to say...’ which Liza instinctively answered with, ‘I love you too’ did me in completely and honestly, the whole thing is so sublime, what an absolute gift.  No words I write can do justice to the incredible performances of Miriam Shor and Sutton Foster so I really can only suggest you go and watch the final scene again for yourself.

This episode of Younger really was something else. After five and a half seasons, Liza is finally free from her lie, she can FINALLY live her life without wondering if or when or how it is going to catch up with her. It feels like a big sigh of relief. For me this episode also showed how much more compelling it is for the drama to sit in the space of these women navigating friendships and work dynamics and how much the focus on the triangle detracts from what this show is actually about. It's not that often you get to watch an episode of a show you love and think, 'that episode is going to go down as one of the best in the series', but 'Debu-taunt' will without a doubt hold it's place as one of the best.   

#youngertv #younger tv #younger season 6 #ramble #review #6x08 #liza miller #diana trout #charles brooks #enzo deluca #love #friendship #team charles

[minaminokyoko]

Avengers Endgame: A (Late, Incredibly Long) Spoilertastic Review

Well, it’s done.

I did it. We did it. We all watched the original lineup of Avengers’ stories come to its end.

So what did I think?

It was phenomenal. A worthy ending to a more than worthy series of films and stories.

There are just so many things to go over and so many points to hit that I have to warn you this review is likely going to be just as long as Endgame’s running time, so strap in.

Overall Grade: A-

Naturally, spoilers below.

I’m taking a note from a friend of mine and have decided that due to the film’s epic length and its history, the best way to tackle my reactions is first per character, and then I can evaluate things like plot and story and action. Just a heads’ up. So here we go.

Tony

Christ. I…wow, where do I even start?

There’s just so much to talk about with this movie and the arc that Tony Stark has been fulfilling since his first film. I almost don’t know how I can even put into words what I feel for this character. Tony came to us as this swaggering, arrogant diva, and yet the first Iron Man breaks him down to his core character. Tony Stark is a man with everything and nothing. He has the looks, the intelligence, and the resources to have everything a person could want, and yet he has no family and no deep connections with others aside from Rhodey and Pepper when it all starts. The core of the MCU was very cleverly built around the theme of Tony’s heart, and that’s perhaps why so many of us are devastated to know his fate. We all saw it coming. There was sadly no other way Tony’s story would pan out if we wanted to stick to his full arc. Tony could not rest until he knew the universe would be safe, and he made sure it would be before he left us. His legacy is incredible. It’s so…hell, to use a bad pun, heartwarming.

I guess the best thing to do in order for me to not just recap every amazing thing he’s done since Iron Man is to recap moments in Endgame for Tony that leapt out at me as exceptional:

-The intro with Tony playing paper football with Nebula. Stab me in the heart. That was so cute. It’s so very like Tony to try and keep her strong and keep her spirits up when they were literally staring death in the face. It was unexpectedly adorable, and even without us having seen the days they spent together, you could tell that Tony treated her in a mature-ish fashion and that’s why Nebula appeared to be affectionate, or at the very least, respectful towards him when she is usually very distant. You could tell they totally depended on each other and it was an important partnership. I was very, very touched when she scooped him up and put him in the seat when they were approaching their final day together. It’s such a powerful thing to see how far Tony has come, through the lens of Nebula showing such compassion for him even in such a short amount of time. I love how the Russos are so good at conveying thoughts and emotions and story without saying it outright. It’s an amazing skill in filmmaking.

-Tony’s arrival back to earth, and his confrontation with the Avengers. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. My fucking feelings, y’all. Christ. I mean, the Russos already know how to gut-punch you and then kick you when you’re down, but Tony’s complete and utter break down still hurts like a mother. It’s just so raw and emotional, and it should be that way after a loss on this kind of scale. What really tipped me over into choking down frustrated tears was that Tony just looks at Cap desperately when he stumbles off that ship and says in this broken voice, “I lost the kid.” He can’t even bear to say Peter Parker’s name. The shame and loss and guilt is too much for him to say his little Spider Son’s name. Oh, fuck you, Russo brothers.

And then the team being in utter shambles over losing to Thanos, all of them just barely holding it together, and then Tony just shatters. He’s home and he’s with family, but he can’t get over this kind of failure. What really tears it is him going after Steve so viciously, and it’s so complex. He’s angry at himself, and he chooses to direct that anger at Cap because we all know Tony took it as a personal loss, as all of them did, that he couldn’t stop Thanos even though he literally gave it everything. He gave every last bit, every last drop, of effort, and he couldn’t stop Thanos. It just hurts. And the resentment that was already between Cap and Tony after Civil War is still clearly there, so the entire scene is just like being dragged naked over broken glass. RDJ and Evans’ acting here is some of the best of the entire series in this scene. It sets the stage and reminds us of the stakes amazingly well.

-Tony’s post Snap life, and his interactions with his family. All of us Tony stans called it that Tony would be a phenomenal father. He’s already shown us that he can be the right amount of strict and caring, and everything with Morgan is exactly what I dreamt it would be. I could rewatch the scenes with Tony and Morgan a thousand times. People can shit on Tony all they want and I will never listen to them, because it’s so apparent how much and how deeply he cares in scenes like this. Where he confronts Pepper after he figures out the time heist equation. Years ago, Tony may have lied to her or made a decision without consulting her, but Tony has grown as a person and he approaches his wife with one of the most important things he will ever do in his life and he asks for her opinion before he does anything. It’s such a good comparison to how he used to be. Tony’s heart is so huge in this whole sequence. It’s such a good representation of his internal battle between doing what is right for everyone and doing what is right for him.

-Tony and Cap’s reconciliation. Oh, my heart. I love how Tony approaches it in such a Tony sort of way, forgiving Cap and agreeing to move past their resentment for what happened in Civil War. I like that it was done in a brisk sort of way, and that a lot of the power in the scene comes from RDJ and Evans’ facial expressions. Really, these two act off of each other so well that part of why we’re all crying so hard about this movie is the horrible knowledge that we don’t get to see them act opposite each other in this context. I pray they stay friends in real life, and I would love to see them reunited on screen someday. It’s such a great relationship and it’s at the core of why this is such a great film series.

-The New York heist. Oh God. I can’t wait for them to tell us if the comment about Cap’s ass was in the script or if it was an improvised line by RDJ or Paul Rudd. It is by far one of the funniest things ever to happen in the MCU. Dear God, I was howling. The best part is that during the premiere we were all laughing so hard that I missed Cap’s initial reply, which was, “No one’s asking you to look, Tony.” Christ, I can’t deal. I know it’s straight up Stony pandering but I don’t give a fuck, it was hilarious. And it’s a very meta joke since Chris Evans’ gorgeous, flawless body is a meme thanks to his Dorito proportions (if you haven’t seen that yet, oh god, please look it up) and the fact that he has an absolutely phenomenal ass, especially for a white guy from Boston. Anyway, Tony and Scott’s whole interaction was perfect, and I loved how the scene went and how it led into the next one.

-The army base heist. Tony running into his father was such a good twist. I absolutely did not see that coming, but it was a really welcome conversation to give Tony closure. He’s felt so guilty for how he left things with them, and it was so touching to see him get a second chance at it, even if Howard was none the wiser. I really hadn’t expected anything like that, but it worked well with Tony’s arc and I thought it was very sweet.

-Tony’s reaction to seeing his baby boy, his little Spider Son, running up to him. My God. This was everything. I am a hardcore supporter of the Iron Dad and Spider Son dynamic, and this was the reunion I so sorely needed after the sick, demented, painful scene that was the final moments in Infinity War. Like the rest of you, the level of trauma that hit me when Peter Parker died is just…hell, infinite. The pain was just infinite. I both love and hate Tom Holland and RDJ for doing that shit to us. I did not know I could cry that hard about a fictional character, but I openly wept to the point of sobbing when Peter Parker died in IW, and to see him back in this scene was so wonderful. In my second viewing, the audience actually clapped when Peter swung through the portal, and that was quite sweet for me to experience. But back to the point: once again, I have to simply compliment RDJ’s acting. This is why we love him so much. It’s not even about the big, loud moments. His acting is so precise that the flurry of emotional expressions that Tony went through when his tiny son helped him up and started excitedly babbling to him about being dead, of all things, and then Tony just doesn’t even interrupt him, he just walks forward and pulls that little boy into his arms and holds him tightly in a hug and it’s just…wow. This is some spectacular acting on both their parts, and it heals a really wounded part of my heart, even though the next scene I talk about just breaks it all over again. Plus, at the time I wrote this review, the Spider-Man: Far From Home full trailer just dropped and (SPOILER ALERT) the opening scene is Peter Parker and Happy mourning Tony and I just feel like someone hammered a stake into my chest. This scene is so fantastic. It’s just another reminder of how damn much Tony Stark cares about the people around him and that he has an actual family now, and that’s why the next scene is possibly the saddest one of all.

-Tony’s death. Like Loki’s untimely demise, I knew this was coming from years and years of being a writer. Based on the track for his character arc and because RDJ announced this is his final official performance as the character, I knew Tony was going to die. There was no way around it. His determination to save everyone and correct the wrong done to the universe by Thanos would drive him past his limits and cause him to sacrifice it all. It’s just…man. I wish it had ended differently for him. Anyone who follows me on Tumblr knows that I tag all Iron Man posts with “we stan Tony Stark in this house” and that is how I feel. While Tony is not my favorite Avenger, I will stand up for him all day, err day. Tony Stark is the epitome of the human spirit, and in a different way than Cap, if you ask me. Tony is all of the dark and seedy parts, but also the defiance and the self-deprecation and the obsession and the power of the human spirit. He has so many vices and yet so many virtues. He cares to a fault. He blames himself to a fault. He has come so far after that brutal conversation in Avengers when Cap accuses him of not being the man to lay down on the razor wire and let the other guy crawl over you. He made the ultimate sacrifice play. As much as I reject the idea, we all knew it had to be him. It had to be. Because at the end of the day, Tony’s need to make his family safe was more precious to him than his own life. He gave up a future with his loved ones to make sure Thanos could never hurt them again. And all of it was capped off with a line that will probably haunt me forever, of Pepper’s soft, forgiving goodbye, “You can rest.”

-Tony’s farewell message to his family. Want to know something crazy? I cried so hard at the premiere. So hard. I was almost dry heaving with how hard I cried at Tony’s funeral. But then I had a week of time and I saw it again this past Sunday. I was choked up during his death but I didn’t shed actual tears this time until “I love you 3000.” Somehow, it didn’t hit me until the second time how they filmed Tony’s goodbye to us. They shot it in such a way that as he leans down to turn off the recording, he’s actually looking at us. Not directly into the camera, but so close to it that it finally hit me that this was RDJ’s goodbye and thank you to the fans. It was so touching and sincere that I finally broke down and actually cried again. What truly hurts is knowing that his loved ones have to be without him, and even though his sacrifice means everything, he is going to leave behind such a void. Even with his problems and his flaws, Tony was a damn good man and he was the right choice to begin this epic series. I can’t express how much I am going to miss him and how much I am going to miss RDJ in this shared universe. He’s so charismatic and wonderful and complex. It was not only a comeback for Tony Stark, but a comeback for a very troubled man, and it’s come full circle that Tony had a loving family just as RDJ has a loving family after his checkered past. To be honest, I’m likely going to do as I did for Loki and have a cutoff point in my brain for the MCU, where I don’t accept what happened because it’s too painful. I just pretend that nothing happened after that hug with Peter Parker and they all won the day and no one died. That’s just how it’s gotta be for me to survive a post Endgame world.

Thank you, Tony. You gave everything. I love you now and always.

Thor

-Thor executing Thanos. Standing. Fucking. Ovation. Right, so, I know that Thor probably should not have outright killed Thanos before they had more information, but at the same time, there was nothing more to get out of that son of a bitch and I clapped when Thor swung Stormbreaker and lopped that mo’fo’s head clean off, and I flipped off Thanos’ corpse with both fingers. Good boy. He told you he’d kill you, and he killed you, you sorry bastard. A+++

-Thor’s depression and weight gain. Alright. *rolls up sleeves* Time to make some enemies. I think Fat!Thor is a great idea, but the execution could have been done better. I recognize writing tricks when I see them, and Fat!Thor seems to be two ideas in one, and one of them is what is bothering the semi-reasonable part of the fandom. What I’ll do is explain my take on both parts of the overall idea.

(1) Thor’s depression at his failure (at the time) to reverse the Snap and save everyone is 100% accurate, in character, and is damn good writing. Thor has never actually full-on failed at anything in his life. The closest he has come is between being cast out in the first Thor movie for being irrational and cruel, and in Ragnarok where he had to let Surtur destroy Asgard in order to save his people. Even then, Thor lost battles, not the overall war. Therefore, Thor does not understand how to process failure. Yes, he also failed to save his mother, but at the same time, it’s not a failure on this level. He lost Frigga, Loki, the Warriors Three, and Heimdall, but this was literally trillions of lives that he feels were weighed on his shoulders, and his shoulders alone, even though as Rocket pointed out, losing the war was the fault of a LOT of people, not just Thor (and not Starlord either, you bunch of whiny hypocrites in the fandom, ugh). So becoming an alcoholic and giving up on his life as a hero is definitely how Thor would handle things. Think about it. He no longer has any guidance from his family, or his best friend, since they died. All he has is his Avengers family and Valkyrie. I’m sure the Avengers tried to talk him out of it to no avail, and that’s a really sad thing to know, that they couldn’t get him out of his depression spiral, so they let him wallow in it. As for Valkyrie, she’s still just barely recovered from her own trauma, and I am sure she probably tried to snap him out of it too, but he was too stubborn to listen. What I like about this point for his character is that Thor is right—he has always been expected to be “worthy” and to be the savior. Thor is the big gun on the team alongside the Hulk. He has always been the bravest, the noblest, and the most powerful person on the team, and he is expected as a king to win the day every time. But he lost. And he can’t reconcile it since he has always triumphed in the end. So it’s very understandable for him to lose control and just want to have nothing to do with the hero business, because if you fail once, you can fail again, and he couldn’t bear the thought of failing again, not after it cost him literally everything.

(2) Fat!Thor was an easy source of cheap laughs to keep the mood from getting too dark considering the subject matter handled in this movie. I am of two minds about this issue. On the one hand, I can see why certain people feel that this is fat shaming. It is. But the problem stems from the fact that the fat shaming is still a large part of American culture, and people have not broken the bad habit yet, and so it gets shifted into the easy laughs category. The easy laughs are for the Average Joe viewer. It’s for people who aren’t as conscious of how it sounds to mock him for his weight gain who are just used to “ha ha, fat person jokes.” Some fans felt uncomfortable that he was the butt of a few jokes because a lot of us who suffer from depression know that this is in fact a side effect. When you’re depressed, it’s easy to stress eat and overeat, and you lean heavily towards comfort foods that cause you to gain weight, and your depression makes you tired, so you also don’t exercise and that’s how you can end up overweight. On the other hand, while I agree with these folks about not liking the fat jokes, I also think it was necessary to show a character we all admire falling into the same pitfalls that we as mere Midgardians deal with on a daily basis. I don’t like the jokes, but I do like Fat!Thor’s inclusion in this story because people need to realize what depression does to a person. It shouldn’t have been handled this way, but from a strictly observer perspective, I understand why they went for the low hanging fruit. People needed to laugh since Endgame has very, very dark elements to it. I would have preferred they approach his weight gain in a more dignified fashion, but not every part of this movie was written for me and I sadly have to accept it. That’s my feelings on it.

-Thor’s encounter with Frigga on Asgard. I. FREAKING. LOVE. THIS. I did not see it coming, and I love it with every fiber of my being. This is such a heartwarming scene. I want to rewatch it a thousand times. I love Frigga immediately knowing what’s up (she’s not stupid and of course she noticed and it’s everything to me) and I love that she can clearly see how distraught her beautiful son has become. I love Thor having a panic attack, because that’s extremely realistic after he’s gone so long not having done any hero work, per se, and having to face his previous failed relationship with Jane, and with facing the day his mother died again. It’s really compelling writing. Frigga’s gentle reassurance is exactly what he needed, and it’s exactly what we needed to see him go through. He had to let go of the expectations piled upon him and accept himself for who he is, not who he needs to be as a warrior king and an Avenger. While I do wish they had gone on to show us a little more of who he considers himself to be instead of who he is supposed to be, I am really excited to hear Chris Hemsworth is one of the Avengers who has chosen to stay past the end of Phase Three. He’s young and funny and vibrant and I think Thor is his best role of his career anyhow (no offense meant, Hems, if you ever read this, you handsome golden retriever, you). I think exploring Thor’s personal goals and future will be very interesting.

-Thor’s reaction to Natasha’s death. This is a very small moment, but I actually like it a lot. I like that Thor’s optimism here is a form of denial. I like it because there are certain Avengers who despite the 11 year saga have not interacted with each other much, and Thor and Nat are probably my leading example. When it hit him that they couldn’t use the time stone to bring her back, the loss and devastation on his face almost made up for the fact that Thor and Nat have almost no lines with each other in the film series. I like it because it hurts and because it shows that she does matter to him, even though they don’t interact. It’s a nice detail to include since I was often a little sad I never got to see these two have dialogues. I personally have even written a bit of fanfiction about what their relationship could have been like, and I think it could have been sort of brother-sisterly. It’s a shame we won’t get to see it, but I like that it is given attention here at last.

-Thor wanting to undo the Snap. Yes. This is a very good character beat for him. Again, I agree it’s annoying he ends up getting another fat joke thrown at him (nice work, Rhodey, sheesh, it’s not like the poor guy was traumatized or anything), I like that Tony talks him down. I like that Tony doesn’t think he can’t do it, he’s worried that Thor is in so much pain that he shouldn’t try to make such a rash decision that could cost him his life. Tony seemed dismissive, but I think he was trying to protect his friend more than anything else. I think Tony also knew that it would be rough if Thor either died or became permanently crippled by undoing the Snap. Being able to fight is extremely important to Thor, even with his depression, because Thor is essentially a space Viking. It shows that Tony is aware that Thor’s not just bumbling around as a chubby drunk, but he’s legitimately in pain and he needs to take things slower.

-Thor giving Valkyrie the throne. First off, I need to sling salt at the freaking part of the Thorkyrie fandom that is somehow complaining about this scene. Are you kidding me? What movie did you watch? This is the ultimate freaking Thorkyrie scene, you bunch of whiny nincompoops! Thor literally gave Valkyrie the throne because she is so smart, powerful, and kind that he trusted her to take care of the people he loves with all his heart. The amount of trust and respect that is in this scene makes me want to just squeal for hours. I can’t handle how affectionate and reverent Thor is as he gives Valkyrie the throne. I love the long gaze they share. I love the handshake. I love that Val asks when she’ll see him again. I love that Thor has faith in her and how she will lead his people. Anyone bitching that this is an anti-Thorkyrie scene did not see the same movie we did, and you can all piss off. I love this scene to my core. I love seeing Valkyrie being assured to be a relevant part of Thor’s story and that it likely means Tessa Thompson is going to join us again for either Thor 4 or Guardians of the Galaxy 3. I am a giant freaking fan of her character and I can’t scream “SIGN ME THE FUCK UP” loud enough for her to be in future films with him, and with the MCU in general. I hope she signed a three movie deal or more. That would be amazing. But anyway, my point is, this scene is fantastic and I will be rewinding it a lot when this movie gets to DVD. Nothing makes me happier than Thor shooting heart-eyes at Val, and he was shooting them so hard in this scene that he even took his sunglasses off. God bless this scene.

-Asgardians of the Galaxy. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH THIS BUT I LOVE IT WITH MY ENTIRE FUCKING SOUL YOU GUYS. Everything about Thor hanging out with the Guardians makes me so incredibly happy. I can’t wait for shenanigans. I would assume the plot of the next one is finding Gamora and bringing her home and re-teaching her about her family and falling in love with Quill again, but who knows what wackiness awaits us? I can’t deal with Thor being a little shit to Quill. I could see his Hemsworth peeking through, and I am here for it. Half the reason we all love Thor as much as we do is that Taika was one of the first people to suggest letting Hems be more like himself, and Chris Hemsworth is basically a giant, hilarious puppy, and it really made Thor more fun and likable. Don’t get me wrong—I loved my noble prince, but he was still a big golden retriever even when he was more Shakespearean and all they truly did was dial it up to be a bigger part of his personality.

Really, I like what Thor went through in Endgame and how it connects with lots of elements in previous movies. While parts could have been done better, I thought it was fantastic and it shook things up in a way that should be quite intriguing for his future appearances. Of everyone, Thor is the character I am most excited to learn about continuing to be in the MCU.

Natasha

-Natasha taking a leadership role in the Post Snap years, and her conversation with Steve. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a die-hard Captasha shipper, but more than that, I think the friendship and love (platonic or otherwise) between Nat and Steve is by far one of the best relationships in the Avengers saga. I love how it began, how it developed, and where it is when we watch this scene of them together. I love how soft and gentle Steve is with her, and yet he teases her in this subtle way that’s almost like a verbal hug. Steve is just so compassionate and conscious of her emotional needs, the same as how she has been with him. I think this is such a precious relationship and it’s vital to both of them that they have someone to confide in when times are hard. It’s possibly even more beautiful because they aren’t canonically together as a couple; they’re just two friends who have bonded and been partners ever since The Winter Soldier, and they without a doubt love each other. (Side note: and I am not alone in this because Chris Evans even ships it, and that makes me so very pleased.) I gobble up all Captasha scenes, honestly, because it’s so well written and it’s come a long way from the first time they met in Avengers. But to get a little more in depth, Nat’s brief breakdown about Clint is really something else. Seeing her struggle with the idea that the man she loves (again, platonically) has become a monster, and struggling with the idea that she should move on but she can’t because she’s lost her family, is really damn hard to watch, but it’s necessary. It’s a really good reflection of the level of loss and trauma and pain our poor Avengers have had to deal with since the Snap. It’s an excellent scene.

-Nat going after Clint to bring him home once they figure out that the time heist is at least possible. Ow. This is another scene that is a big kick in the nuts. “Don’t. Don’t give me hope.” “I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you sooner.” Bury me, this is such a good, quiet little scene for her. I really like their friendship and their bond. When Nat mentions family in the previous scene, this is what she’s talking about, and I love how Endgame might be the first film to openly acknowledge that the Avengers are family to each other. And what I like is that this series has earned that. Nothing makes me angrier than when people drop the F-bomb where it is NOT deserved. (*side eyes Suicide Squad and Deadpool 2*) The Avengers have fought and bled for each other, have supported each other, and have loved each other through hell and back, and they ARE a family. Bringing Clint home was a big deal to her, facing her fears of what he’s become, but seeing that he is still somewhat the man she knows and loves because he does return to the fold in the end.

-Natasha’s death. Hoo boy. Okay, so like Tony and Loki, I might just stick this in my Denial category. I was hit with a huge wave of “oh no, please no” when I found out Clint and Nat would be the ones going to retrieve the Soul Stone, because of course it had to be them. However, it was thematically the right choice for it to be Clint and Nat, since I personally think the only other combination it could have been was Steve and Tony or Steve and Nat in terms of “give up that which you love” that the Red Skull illuminated is the price for the stone. I think all the team members genuinely care for each other, but if I wanted to use the word love, yes, I’d say it comes down to members of the team who truly love one another, it’s Tony and Steve, Clint and Nat, and Nat and Steve. So I am in a very weird place about Nat’s death in this movie.

First off, I love how it was handled because it couldn’t have gone any other way. Of course both of them wanted to jump on this grenade for each other. Of course they both think they are the unworthy one who should die for the other person they love. Of course they fought over it.

Here's the thing, though: from a writing standpoint, it did need to be Natasha.

And before we go further, let’s address the elephant in the room fandom-wise: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YOU MORONS, THIS IS NOT THE ‘STUFFED IN THE FRIDGE’ TROPE. God, I hate you sometimes, MCU fandom. I knew as soon as she sacrificed herself that all the fake feminists would run into the streets and climb onto their soapboxes and try to call the Fridge trope. Shut up. It’s not a Fridge.

For those not familiar with the trope, Stuffed in the Fridge is when a typically female character is unceremoniously killed off for usually one of two reasons (1) to cause a male character to angst (2) to further or advance a male agenda somehow.

Natasha’s sacrifice is neither of these things.

First off, it was her choice. Clint made it completely clear that he loves her and he did not want her to die for him. One of the primary problems with the Fridge trope is it robs the woman of her choice, and Nat is the one who decided that she would be the one to die for the Soul Stone. Calling this a Fridge is a blatant, insulting erasure of her motivation as a character.

Second off, Nat’s death is a sacrifice that wins a war. It’s not pointless, and it’s not just for angst, and it’s not just for a male character to get ahead in the story. She literally saves trillions of lives by trading her soul for the stone. Trillions. Yes, the team is devastated, but her death is not simply there to make you shed tears and nothing else. She saved them all. So don’t you dare try to pin this dumb trope on her, because it’s not accurate or correct.

Third off, this completes Natasha’s character arc. We’re introduced to the beginning of her arc in the iconic scene of The Avengers where she tricks Loki into revealing his scheme, but it turns out that while she does succeed, we find out what motivates her, and that Loki’s cruelty did affect her in the end. Clint was sent to kill her, but he shows compassion and instead recruits her. Clint gives her a second chance. And Nat, in sacrificing herself for the Soul Stone, gives Clint a second chance. It’s come full circle. One of my all-time favorite lines in this entire film series is hers, “I got red in my ledger; I’d like to wipe it out.” That. Is. A. Fucking. Great. Line. And this is the pay off and the completion of Nat’s character arc. She’s done horrible things and they have been chains on her soul and she felt that she needed to repay her debt in this way, and in a way that would save so many innocent lives. I will not have these people running around discounting that and acting like she is some victim. Natasha Romanov is not a fucking victim. Natasha Romanov died a hero. She is one of my favorite Avengers and I cried so hard at her loss, but I acknowledge that she did a brave, selfless thing for everyone she loved, and she will be remembered for that always.

Now. That being said…if you want to complain about a female character dying in a majority male story, yes, go right ahead. That is a legitimate complaint. It sucks that Nat died when most of the team is male. I will heartily concur with this criticism and offer no counterargument. It sucks. Period. I hate that she dies in the first act because I really love her fighting style and I wanted to see her kick more ass in the final battle because she’s amazing to watch. So yes, that’s a point I do take off from this movie.

In the end, I’m sort of straddling the fence for losing Nat, as I am with Tony, but I think a lot of people feel the same way. It is great writing, but the loss is so painful that I might not accept it totally.

Thank you for your bravery, Nat. Seriously, you’re one of my favorite female leads and you’ll be sorely missed. I can only hope the Black Widow movie helps me deal with the pain of losing you.

Steve

-Steve quietly taking all of Tony’s trauma-fueled ranting. This is so important. Chris Evans is so fantastic at acting in general, but all of his expressions as Tony lays into him are so underrated, man. He knows that Tony has reached a breaking point, and so he offers no vitriol in return. It’s a huge contrast to the scene in Civil War where the two of them argue. Steve is by no means a timid man. He recognizes that Tony is in such pain, as are all of them, and he just takes that rage because he knows it’s just how Tony chose to process everything because he can’t come to terms with it. We know he blames himself for being unable to stop Thanos, same as all of them do, and it’s such a testament to what a good man Steve is that he doesn’t fire back at Tony, and he is deeply concerned for him instead. Especially when Tony throws it back in his face that they’d lose together, and that’s what hurts the most during this scene. Tony was alone when he lost. Nebula was the only survivor, and she was a complete stranger to him until they repaired the Milano and tried to get back to civilization. I think Tony would still be angry and traumatized, but he’s always been able to look to his team members for ideas or comfort or just companionship in hard times. He nearly died, and that left a mark on him that ran so deep he just couldn’t stop spitting vitriol at possibly one of his closest friends, and it’s also important that they hadn’t spoken since the end of Civil War, so all of that anger and resentment is also tangled up inside them both. What a scene, man. What a scene.

-Steve mentoring people in the Post Snap years. This has a couple of really great things as a scene, honestly. First off, I love that even with Steve being heartbroken and refusing to move on, he still knows it is important to help others. Second off, I love that it’s almost implied that this is in honor of Sam Wilson, who did the same thing for soldiers who returned home from war struggling with PTSD. I really, really love Steve Rogers with all my heart for this scene. Even though he’s broken down and just as devastated as everyone else, he is still out there trying to help others. That is who he is at his core. Steve is the man who cannot stand by and let other people suffer. He won’t do it. It doesn’t matter what it costs him. He will defend and protect and nurture, always. By God, I love that about him.

-Steve’s quiet reconciliation with Tony. We discussed this above, but I love that Steve says so few words here and lets Tony do all the talking. There’s an almost silent “I’m sorry and I love you and I want you to be happy” in this scene together. Tony bringing back the shield just…my feelings…oh God, my feelings.

-Steve’s miniature speech before they head into the Quantum Realm. I love that even Rocket is impressed.

-Steve’s reaction to Nat’s death. Fuck. Me. Up. This hurt so badly. I can’t. I can’t with how Steve looks at Clint and Clint just looks back at him, and you can almost hear him telepathically saying, “Steve, we lost her.” Like I said before, Steve and Clint without a doubt love Natasha. Yes, Bruce does to some degree, but it’s not the same (sorry, y’all, I think BruceNat was trash and I will never accept it because it was forced and awkward and made no sense to me) as the deep vein of friendship and love she had with both men. It killed me when they were out on the dock and Steve was openly crying for her. We saw Steve crying in the trailer but we didn’t know this was the context. Oh, this hurts me. Steve loved her with all his heart. She was his best friend, same as Sam and Bucky were, and to lose her with no chance of ever getting her back is a terrible, terrible loss. Boy, this scene was rough to endure. I can only imagine how he must have felt having to let her go after he’s lost so many people he loved. Poor Steve.

-The entire New York heist. Oh God. I’m just in heaven over how Steve handled things, everything from the intentional recreation of the iconic elevator scene in The Winter Soldier to the insidious “Hail Hydra” (*makes strangulation hands in the direction of the Russo brothers because they KNOW most of the fandom hates Hydra Cap from the comics and so of course they put that in there just to screw with us*) to the smug smirk on Cap’s face as he walked away with scepter to Cap laying the beatdown on himself to Cap acknowledging his sweet, sweet, round, perfectly firm ass. (Seriously, Chris Evans, if you ever read this, marry me, we already met and hugged each other, we could make this work.) Yes. Special props to Cap vs. Cap’s interactions. It was just…everything.

-Steve wielding Mjolnir. Jesus. Fucking. Christ. So everyone’s already raved about this scene, but I don’t care, I have to rave about it too. Good gravy. Good God. This scene is everything. Honestly, it is easily one of the greatest things ever conceived not only by the MCU, but in action movies period. This can stand toe to toe with some of the best beatdowns in all of cinema. It’s just…where do you even start with how good this fucking scene is?! I mean, every second of it is just glorious. Whether it was the Russos or Evans or the script writers, whoever I need to thank, THANK YOU. Thank you for gift wrapping this total surprise. Every one of us was wounded that Cap didn’t easily lift Mjolnir in Age of Ultron, but at the same time, I loved the humor of that scene when Mjolnir did actually start to move and Thor totally panicked for a second. It was funny as hell. But for the Russos to fulfill our fantasy in a way that was not only a surprise, but just an absolute joy to watch, I can’t even express my fangirl tears. This scene is better than sex and chocolate and cocaine. It’s flawless. Everything about it is flawless, from Steve summoning the goddamn lightning to Thor’s gleeful “I KNEW IT!” I wish I could frame this scene on my wall in .gif form, and I apologize in advance to all my Tumblr followers, because the second this scene is giffed after the DVD release, I am going to reblog it three billion times. I will never stop reblogging it. This is the height of MCU perfection and it deserves to be known as such.

-Steve facing off with Thanos in his last stand, and actually holding his own. Dude. Steve Rogers is a human man, and he withstood Thanos. I just…I can’t with how awesome it is. He lost in the end, but he beat the shit out of Thanos for a good bit and I just have to give him all the props for that. He did the impossible and survived him. That’s amazing.

-Steve strapping on his broken shield and staring down Thanos and his army. This is peak Steve Rogers right here. “Yeah, you have thousands of soldiers. Yeah, you sheared my shield in half. Yeah, you beat me and my comrades. And I don’t give a single solitary fuck.” This is also an amazing echo to the moment in Infinity War where poor Wanda had to kill Vision, and Cap stood up to Thanos with his goddamn bare hands. Steve standing up after getting the shit kicked out of him is what he is all about. He doesn’t care that he is outnumbered. He doesn’t care that he is outgunned. He is Steve motherfucking Rogers and he is going to stand against evil period. This is top tier stuff, man.

-“Avengers Assemble.” Like everyone else, I jizzed in my pants. Full on. We all had a hunch that they would save it until the final Avengers film with the final appearances of the original team, and it was everything we dreamt it would be.

-Steve catching Stormbreaker as well and then trading it with Thor mid-battle. A tiny but hilariously awesome scene. I’m so glad they included it, and it was another little nod to Steve and Thor always having a small adorable friendship moment in each Avengers movie. Thanks for that, truly.

-Steve passing the mantle over to Sam Wilson. Holy shit. So a lot of us were relatively sure with Chris Evans confirming this as his last full appearance as Captain America that the mantle would go to either Bucky or Sam. My money was on Sam, simply for him still being new blood having entered at Phase 2 in the MCU, and because Sam is a lot more of a dynamic main lead that I think the MCU needs in the role. Anthony Mackie, as any hardcore MCU fans know, is a bundle of fun behind the scenes. He’s really hilarious and charismatic, and I think he’ll bring a lot to the role of the new Captain America. It’s such a touching scene as Steve hands him the shield. I really, really get choked up about how it was handled with such respect and trust and honest to God friendship. “How does it feel?” “Like it’s someone else’s.” “It isn’t.” Wow. What a beautiful scene. I’m a little misty as I type it out. And I do like that there was just this little nod from Bucky, who has been antagonistic to him pretty much all the time but here, he shows his support and it’s kind of just known that he will back Sam up no matter what. I cannot express how much I love this idea and its execution. It was perfect. (By the way, please look up the way Anthony Mackie found out about this before filming. It’s too cute.)

-Steve’s ending. Oh my God. Of possibly everyone on the team who I wanted to have a happy ending, I wanted Steve’s the hardest, even though I love Tony to death and beyond. Thank you, Russo brothers. Thank you for letting this man have his second chance at a life, and that he got to spend it with Peggy. I was already crying from the funeral, but the fact that they decided to end the saga with possibly the sweetest imagery in the MCU is just overwhelming. I loved their little slow dance. I love the tears of joy on Peggy’s cheeks. I love the softness in Steve’s expression as he dances with his lady love. I love the song choice. I love how he just looks down at her and she looks up at him and they kiss to close everything out and say goodbye to us all. What a scene. What an ending. I love it more than anything.

Thank you, Steve. Thank you for being our ray of light and sunshine and guidance all these years.

Nebula

I really did not expect to see an arc for Nebula, but I am delighted that we got it. This was very, very interesting considering what a sadistic murderess Nebula was in the previous films, so fueled by rage, and yet here we see that she is still powerful and effective and yet vulnerable. I enjoyed seeing her growth and getting some amount of closure with Thanos’ demise and saving Gamora as well as the rest of the universe.

Bruce

So here’s the thing: Bruce is probably my least favorite Avenger, next to Clint, but that’s not because anything is wrong with either character—I just find their personalities and abilities the least interesting. Therefore, I’ve heard complaints about Hulk not kicking ass in Infinity War and Endgame, and while they are valid points…I don’t care. I guess the thing is that Hulk has kicked ass in all his previous appearances, and I think it was nice of them to get back to the fact that Bruce is indeed a scientist and there is more to him than just crushing things. He is a very conscience driven character, and I was totally fine with him as a supporting member of the team, and of his brave decision to Un-Snap everyone back to life. I especially liked his sympathetic approach to bring Thor back home. “You helped me.” I fully admit that made my lip quiver, honestly, since Thor was obviously so traumatized and was in a lot of pain, and Bruce was gentle with him. That, to me, is just as important as all the bashing he could have done. Same with his impassioned plea with the Ancient One. Sorry that he didn’t kick ass in these last two movies, but honestly, I felt things were balanced and that it’s important to show he is more than the Hulk.

Clint

As mentioned above, Clint is my least favorite Avenger, but again, not because there is anything wrong with him or that he is written poorly—the others just outweigh him in what I like about them. I have to say opening the film with Clint losing his entire family with no knowledge of what was going on was almost as gut-stabbing as how Infinity War began and ended. It was somehow even more cruel since Clint would not have known what was going on until he called the Avengers. And yes, someone’s pointed out to me that it’s crazy he didn’t know about the war, but I have a headcanon that he just cut everyone off once he decided to retire, and he wouldn’t answer when they called so he wouldn’t be dragged into more shenanigans. I highly doubt the whole team just flat-out didn’t tell him what was going on. There’s a good chance Clint decided not to hear from the team again after Cap busted them out since he risked everything and almost got jailed for life after his decision.

All that being said, I did feel Clint’s loss very hard after Nat sacrificed herself. It was extremely well done on Jeremy Renner’s part and there was never a doubt that he loved her. Their bond has always been very cute and I never shipped them, so I wasn’t disappointed by the reveal of his secret family. I thought it was a nice touch and a surprising turn in the story. I’m glad he got to go home to his family in the end, and I especially liked the touching moment he shared with Wanda after Tony’s funeral.

Loki

Holy shit, y’all.

I did not expect this, and I love it more than anything in the world.

Right, so, I am sadly a fan of Loki’s ever since The Dark World, but at the very least, I am not a rabid fan of the character. He is an absolute fucking trashlord and I acknowledge it while still loving him anyway. I was positively giddy that they invited Tom Hiddleston back to shoot new scenes of Loki rather than simply using the old Avengers footage. And I definitely didn’t expect Tony, Cap, and Scott to screw up and Loki gets the Tesseract and vanishes. This is amazing. I can’t wait for the Loki mini-series on Disney Plus, and I assume this is what it’s going to be about. I’m really excited to see what kind of shit he gets himself into, and I loved the little bits we got of him mocking Cap even though they all just kicked his ass, and I loved him rolling his eyes in the background during the heist, and being the only one who knew something fishy was going on. Love, love, love it to pieces. Thank you for giving me more of my stupid trashlord, Endgame. You rock.

Scott

Oh, poor, poor Scott. Not only did he awaken to find his new family gone, but he lost five years of time with his daughter. Ouch. I really have to commend Paul Rudd for the reunion scene with his daughter. The shock and pain mixed in with the gratitude that she survived the Snap was so palpable. I’ve never really considered him much more than an easy going comedic actor, but he did a great job here. Kudos.

Gamora

I am really, really deeply hurt that this means our Gamora, the one we came to know and grow with, is truly gone. Like many fans, I had hoped she was somehow inside the Soul Stone and they could bust her out, but like Nat, it appears that we did truly lose her. I’m not okay. I feel so bad for Quill, who wooed her with so many great moments, and now he’s lost her again. He’ll have to try to make her fall in love with him again, and it hurts me because the sequence of events from the first two Guardians movies are how they fell in love, and it’ll be so much harder to make her understand what they meant to each other and what they had with one another as well as their little stitched together family. Damn it all. This might be one of the biggest underrated losses of all for me. Gamora is my favorite Guardian, period. I adore her, so I am both anticipating and dreading the third Guardians movie as a result.

Carol

Alright, I do have to admit one of my letdowns, even though it’s a total nitpick, is that the trailer gave us Thor and Carol, but the actual movie did not. Oh, why did you lift my hopes up this way?! I really wanted Thor and Carol to bond and have hilarious pissing contests about who is the strongest Avenger, and become battle buddies! However, this might be possible later since we know Hemsworth has agreed to at least one more film, if not more, so fingers crossed he and Carol share screentime. I adored that “I like this one” scene and Thor would play very well off of Carol if you ask me.

That being said, when Carol came back for the final fight…yassss bitch yassss fuck it up! When she came after Thanos, he was fuckin’ shook and I am here for it. I loved that failed headbutt. I want to frame that on a wall. Carol Danvers is not having any of your shit today, you purple Grape Ape punk ass bitch. She laid down the law, and it was glorious. 11/10 good shit of Carol whupping his ass and he had to suckerpunch her just to try to win.

And kudos for the utterly adorable interaction she had with my Spider Son, “H-Hi, I’m Peter Parker.” “Hey, Peter Parker. Got something for me?” *kisses fingertips* This could not have been cuter. Thank you so much, Carol.

Oh, and extra kudos for the Ladies of the MCU smackdown moment. My God. I loved every second of that assault. Please make that into a whole separate team someday and make a movie about it.

Wanda

Standing ovation for Wanda in every respect: her entrance, her powerful line (“I don’t even know who you are.” “You will.”), and the fact that she flat-out almost killed Thanos by her damn self. Wow, wow, wow, my girl. You brought the pain. I miss Vision too, honey, and I’m so sorry we can’t have him back. It’s so unfair that she’s lost her brother and her love within this story, but she still manages to keep going. Wanda is a testament to just how strong women truly are in spite of adversity.

Plot/Story

I know some fans didn’t want it to be as straight-forward as it appeared to be with them going back in time to grab the Stones and undo the Snap, but I was honestly fine with it. The story still managed to genuinely surprise me, especially with the development that the two Nebulas are what caused Thanos to find out what was going on. Holy shit, that was very creative and a great way to let her be a central character considering the trauma she has been through and overcome. I thought the pacing was excellent, and I will have to sit down and think it through but I don’t feel as if we had unnecessary scenes aside from the diner scene being a little longer than it needed to be. (You could have cut the photo op bit out and no one would miss it, for instance.) Like Infinity War, I felt that all the scenes had a use and showed us something, and the action was magnificent and creative. The Avengers pulling the entirety of the MCU together in the third act is some seriously iconic stuff that I really hope people will take into consideration as a legendary thing no one has ever really done before.

A friend of mine mentioned that you can neatly divide Endgame into three sections of story: build up, heist, and pay off. One of the best things about Endgame, to me, is the pay off. I love how many continuity nods we had and how many threads were tied off in a satisfying manner, from deeply emotional relationships to just sublime action sequences. We have so many films in this series that it’s hard to rank them, but I have to say I really would put Endgame in the top 10 for my preferences. It was a worthy ending to such an amazing set of films, and while I will miss the actors who won’t continue past Phase 3, I am incredibly grateful for their time and talents spent on this franchise. It is in its own category, honestly, with consistent quality in nearly every aspect it attempts. I think it was the perfect mix of solemn but affectionate goodbyes and bright, hopeful new beginnings. I am excited to see what is in store and what new ground we’re gonna break with the future stories.

So thanks for everything, Endgame. I’m glad to have had this era come to such a satisfying close.

See you in the funny papers.

Kyoko

#avengers #avengers endgame #endgame #spoilers #movie review #film review #the avengers #marvel #Marvel Cinematic Universe #mcu #spoiler alert #no really this is 14 pages long #i am so sorry but i had a lot of feelings okay #sorry not sorry

[kittymaverick]

Tradition dictates that I must make commentary on each MCF games, even when I complain about how thing the content is...

Spoilers under cut. Also, this is written from memory, so order might be a little off.

1. MD: Ah, finally. A well deserved holiday just like I requested-- Queen: Oh Master Detective the Americas are being incredibly incompetent at this whole supernatural thing. Awfully sorry for disrupting your vacation, but your service are requested. MD: ...Just shoot me in the head, will you, Your Majesty? Queen: I’m flying you over on a private jet plane. MD: Okay, everything’s forgiven. 2. Me: Cassette tape? Really? MD: I didn’t know our beloved Queen’s a hipster. Queen: Not only that, I also write letters. Me: My god she really is a hipster. 3. Me: ...Really? Artifact of immense power capable of granting immortality, and you use it as a quill? MD: I have no idea what you are talking about. 4. MD: ...Why isn’t anyone here to pick me up? I thought this was an all expense paid trip? I’m going to need to walk TEN MILES to the murder scene? Me: You’ve walked more than that in underground complexes. A wheat field is nothing. 5. Woman: Oh hi Detective you’re totally here to investigate the murder right. Me and MD in unison: SUSPECT! INSTANT SUSPECT! Woman: Also, why are you not turning on the truck lights? You can progress the game until you do that. MD: ... I hate this town already. Me: For a town that’s devoid of people you sure fill it with a lotta hate. MD: Me and abandoned towns don’t go so well together, in case my history hasn’t reflected that enough. 6. MD: Hm, interesting grave-- [GRABBED] FUUUUUUUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEEEEEE. Alvin: Hi. Bye. [Gone~] MD: .................How am I still alive? Me: You know, it’s awfully refreshing for once when the enemy isn’t obsessed with you. 7. Me: Who’s this magic guy that keeps on showing up on all the flyers? MD: If you actually used your head, it’s the first murder victim. Me: ...Can you not? 8. Housekeeper lady: Oh this town is so full of gossip you know, about it’s rich people. Me: Yes do share. I love gossips. 83 MD: .......What has my life come to. 9. [Creepy doll thing] MD: ... Totally not creepy at all. Nope! [Eyes lights up red] Not creepy! [MD begins weeping.] 10. Woman to other woman: GET OUTTA TOWN. Me: Someone get me a camera, imma gonna paparazzi this. MD: ...When I submit my case report, I am so going to request that I just have a mundane investigation of a heist or something simple for once. Me: Awwww, but the supernatural cases are the fun ones. D: 11. [Sees door with contraption] Me: Oh yeah...This is totally not a reminder of something. 12. Housekeeper: Oh no I’m trapped because I stuck my hand in this thing please help. MD: I am so fed up by non-player characters. Me: And I am dying of laughter inside because it’s legit the first time I’ve seen a complicated door puzzle TRAP someone. 13. MD: Alright, opening this hunting room right now-- [Bullet goes through the Elephant’s head] JESUS CHRIST! Me: YOUR HEAD. IS IT OKAY? MD: I’m glad I’m not taller! Me: Wait no, you have that immortal feather why am I worried about you? 14. Guy with gun: You made me waste a bullet! MD: And you made me waste my wits. What the hell is going on? Guy: Do you hear that? MD: ...No? Guy: The silence, it’s deafening. MD: ...Yeah, exactly. So I heard nothing. 15. [EPIC CRASH THROUGH THE WINDOW] {SHOTS FIRE} Me: OMG HE SHOT THE REVENANT-- oh wait yeah, guy’s undead he’s fine. 16. Guy: SHOOT HIM WITH THE CROSS BOWS! MD: WHAT CROSSBOW--[accidentally sets it off] ... OKAY GOT IT. GUY: IT’S NOT WORKING GET THE NET! MD: WHAT NET-- oh I SEE IT. Me: That worked? Holy shit it worked. 17. Alvin: Bye bye again. [Zoink!] Guy: COME BACK HERE. Me: No wait come back people that chase after the enemy tends to die you know. MD: ...Guy had it coming. Me: Also, it’s refreshing that YOU aren’t the one that set the building on fire this time. 18. MD: Alright, finally able to follow them. Ghost of first victim: BEWARE OF WHAT LIES AHEAD. MD: SOME FUCKING WARNING WOULD BE NICE. Me: ...Well you saw ghosts in Ravenhearst so-- MD: NO. 19. MD: Let’s find the guy-- Me: AAAAAHHHHHH BODY STABBED TO TREE! DEAD BODY ALERT! MD: ............I can’t even at this point. Me: You know, you’ve been less able to save people recently. MD: Can you really blame me? The last few enemies were rather homicidal. I have better self preservation instincts than to dive right in and risk my neck for people. 20. Me: Alright! We’ve got a ladder to the window! MD: ...THAT ENTIRE GEAR PUZZLE WAS ALL FOR A FREAKING WEIGHT??? Me: Yeah, was a tad unsatisfying... 21. Me: Aw they have a place called Lover’s Point-- MD: NOPE. Me: ...I didn’t even-- MD: CAN’T HEAR YOU. 22. Me: ...BTW, why are you kicking piles of leaves? MD: Stress relief. It’s that or setting things on fire. The latter’s kinda illegal. Me: Duly noted. 23. Alvin’s sister(?): Yeah just go ahead and have a look around. MD: You have a shite garden you know that? Me: WHAT SHE MEANT IS YOUR PUMPKIN PATCH IS WONDERFUL. 24. MD: It’s so nice to have an opponent who’s actually sane and has an organized room for once. Me: It’s a double decker trailer. I’m not sure how “neat” that is. MD: Just let me enjoy this for a moment, okay? 25. Woman: Hi this is totally not a supervillain confession tape. Well okay it is. MD: That makes you 1000% more forthcoming than the others I’ve faced. 26. MD: I need something with a hook on it to get this thing. Me: Alright, let’s find a broom-- MD: I’m going to stretch this rubber chicken out and attach a hook to it! Me: ...Is your mind okay?... 27. Me: Hm...There’s nothing about this creepy toy factory that’s ringing any bells, is it? MD: Hm.....I sure hope there isn’t. Me: Yeah, think we might just be paranoid. Devs: [Cackling in the background as they plot evilly] 28. Woman: PLEASE DON’T KILL OUR KID ALVIN. Alvin: Whatever. [Kills the woman] Me: ...You seriously just watched that happen and did nothing, didn’t you? MD: Yep. The less people there are alive, the less trouble I need to handle later. Me: ...Is this because you’ve had to save so many characters again you’re now letting them die so that’ll never trouble you again? MD: Damn, my master plan has been figured out ABORT ABORT. 29. MD: Oh no so the woman’s houskeeper’s daughter is really her own daughter! Le gasp. Me: ...For rich people this is kinda tame. MD: I know, right? They could have made it spicier. Housekeeper’s notes: I found ropes and handcuffs. Wonder what the miss is up to. Me: ...I don’t think that counts. 30. Housekeeper: The girl’s locked herself in her room! Me: Alright, just let me find one thing-- [Alvin comes charging through the door] MD: GOD DAMMIT CAN YOU TIME YOUR ENTRANCE A LITTLE BETTER ALVIN? 31. MD: Wait, what are they weak to? Me: Salt. Good old table salt. MD: Oh I’ll give them salt-- HERE HAVE ALL OF MY SALTINESS THAT’S DEVELOPED OVER THE YEARS BECAUSE OF THE ABUSE I’VE SUFFERED DURING MY CASES. YOU GET A SALT, YOU GET A SALT, YOU ALL GET A SALT! SALT FOR DAYS! Me: ......Nice therapy. 32. Housekeeper: Quick, open the door! Me: WE’RE MISSING A KEY-- Housekeeper: Oh that here I have it for you. MD: ...SERIOUSLY?! Me: I’m not sure if you’re surprised that she actually gave you something directly or that you’re insulted you didn’t get to search for it. 33. The girl: MH MH MH MH! MD: Oh so that’s what the bindings are for. Me: Huh, she’s left a vial of her own blood. MD: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU RICH PEOPLE??? 34. Me: So things have gone to shit downstairs. We’re taking the bedsheets down. MD: At least it’s not us escaping from a death trap. Alvin: [GLARING YELLOW EYES[ MD: I’M GOING I’M GOING! 35. Ghostly voice of the woman: ENTER THE ART EXHIBITION OF REGRET. Me: What do you mean exhibition-- oh my dear gods. This is like if Charles Dalimar built his complexes out of guilt of his crimes against humanity. MD: ....Why can’t I just see a NORMAL art gallery for once? Me: Well at least this time it’s not dedicated to you. MD: Please don’t jinx me. 36. MD: Really? All of that for a really nice fancy leather jacket? Me: It’s a nice leather jacket. Alvin’s got taste. Alvin: Hi, I heard you’re touching my jacket. Also is that what’s-her-name’s blood? MD: Um... yeah? Alvin: Okay. [GRABS STRANGLES] MD: FUUUUUUUUU-- Me: Oh don’t worry this isn’t so bad-- Alvin: [Breaks vial of blood] Me: Oh shit this is bad. 37. MD: YOU WANT IT HERE HAVE IT [Tosses the jacket into the fire] Alvin: Finally I’ve been avengeeeeeeeeeeddddddd [Ashes] Me: NOOOOOOO NOT THE JACKET IT WAS INNOCENT. MD: It was tacky. Real cool people wear detective long coats. 38. The girl: So the woman’s really my mom? But she was so mean to me. Housekeeper: Well she wanted what was best for you. Me and MD: Not it’s because she’s a self centered abusive bitch who keeps using her rich background as an excuse go hang out with your cool aunt. 39. Housekeeper: Omg that was so much drama. I can’t wait until I tell my friends at brunch. MD: Can you not??? Me: I’ll take brunch! 40. Me: You know, I can’t believe that went by so fast. We solved the case in a single evening for once. MD: Does this mean I can have the rest of my vacation back? Oh thank god. Me: Wait hold on a minute you let like TWO people die. MD: Two out of three people. I save the third. Me: Why couldn’t you save all three??? MD: Well you know what they say. Third times the charm-- Me: THAT’S NOT HOW THAT SAYING WORKS.

#Mystery Case files #The Revenant's Hunt

[sage-nebula]

Do you think the song King from Lauren Aquilina fit Alan?

Mmh … no, I don’t.

I had never heard of this song before you sent this message to me, but now that I have listened to it and I’ve read the lyrics, I have to say that it rubs me the wrong way. Whether or not it was Lauren’s intention when she wrote the song (if she did write it—I’ve never heard of her, so I don’t know whether she writes her own music or not), to me this song comes across as if it’s talking to someone who doesn’t actually have problems, but rather whines and acts melodramatic about whatever “issues” they do have. Whether it’s someone talking to themselves or an outsider giving feedback to someone, the “you” being spoken to in the song seems to be a true blue, bonafide emo, i.e. someone who whines and exaggerates non-existent problems so that they can adopt a “woe is me” attitude as they meander through life. I feel that way because of lyrics like:

“You’re alone, you’re on your own, so what?Have you gone blind?Have you forgotten what you have and what is yours?Glass half empty, glass half full.Well, either way you won’t be going thirsty,Count your blessings not your flaws.”

And

“You don’t get what all this is about.You’re too wrapped up in your self doubt.You’ve got that young blood, set it free.”

And

“There’s method in my madness.There’s no logic in your sadness.You don’t gain a single thing from misery—take it from me.”

To me, lyrics such as these scream as if they’re being directed at someone who is angsting for no reason, and that’s not Alan. That’s not Alan at all.

To start with, Alan has every reason in the world to feel the way he does. Even if we go strictly on what we’re explicitly shown in canon, we know that he was used, manipulated, and emotionally abused by Lysandre for a long time. He was cut off from the only supportive adult in his life (Sycamore), supposedly for Sycamore’s own protection, though we know that Sycamore was not in any real danger, and that Lysandre was lying to get Alan to cut contact of his own volition. Either way, it worked. Alan was at Lysandre’s mercy for a long time, and as such Lysandre was allowed to abuse him as he pleased. So that right there gives “logic to Alan’s sadness.” He’s an abuse victim. He has C-PTSD. His behaviors and disposition makes a lot of sense.

Then you start piling on the other things. All of the incidental traumas (the Mega Rayquaza attack, the Primal Legendary fight that almost killed Alan and especially Lizardon) aside, the guilt / shame complex that Alan has as a result of the abuse leads him to blame himself for Hari-san’s condition and Manon’s subsequent despair. This leads to him pushing himself to gather the mega evolution energy that he’s led to believe is for Hari-san’s recovery. All of this—the C-PTSD and depression from the abuse he had already suffered, combined with the added guilt and shame, combined with how he pushed himself after the mega evolution energy and rarely anything else—led to him being so depressed by the time of the League that he was confused by the fact that he felt happy and excited for something for once. He had gone so long without feeling happy that happiness confused him. And he chased that happiness, too—he went after the badges and entered the League so that he could have a shot at battling Ash, because battling Ash made him happy in a way nothing else really did (even Manon herself says that she has “never seen Alan smile like that” when she watches him battle Ash in the finals, meaning that even before Hari-san’s coma, Alan was depressed enough so that he never smiled like that around Manon). It’s not that he can’t “count his blessings,” because at that point in his life everything is in shambles, and about to be set alight with a flare bomb in about 2.5. It’s that Alan has lived through things no fifteen-year-old should reasonably have to deal with, and yet he has dealt with them, and he’s getting through them as best he can. There is logic here. There is a lot of logic here. I highly doubt anyone else would be able to be plucky after undergoing years of emotional abuse, isolation from a loving, supportive parent(al figure), and several major traumas.

And then the Flare arc itself happens. Alan learns that Lysandre has been using and manipulating him this entire time (though I think he would still have trouble admitting to / agreeing that he was abused—in his mind, “it wasn’t that bad,” and he thinks that for a variety of reasons I won’t get into right now, but he was abused even if he has difficulty realizing / accepting it), and that as a direct result of that manipulation, he has contributed to attempted mass genocide. Alan, quite understandably, has a complete breakdown over this revelation. He gets himself under control as best he can with Ash’s help, but it doesn’t change the fact that, again, there’s a lot of logic in how despaired Alan feels over this, in how guilty and ashamed of himself he feels. It makes sense. Alan is not depressed over nothing. He has every reason in the world to feel the way he does.

To that end, “you don’t get what all this is about”—no, no, he gets it. Particularly by the time everything is said and done, Alan is painfully aware of his circumstances. He knows what he has been through, he knows what he (inadvertently) caused, and while he unjustly victim blames himself for pretty much all of it (he admits that he had no idea what Lysandre was truly planning, yet then blames himself for it in the next breath anyway), that’s just it: he knows what happened and he feels responsible. I will say that, on its own, “you’re too wrapped up in your self-doubt” sounds like it could work, but when paired with the first line it’s clear that the intention here is to say, “you’re naive and whining over nothing, stop pitying yourself,” which … doesn’t fit Alan. It’s not the right attitude to have toward someone who has complex trauma, a handful of incidental traumas, and quite a lot of understandable depression and other issues on top of it.

“You don’t gain a single thing from misery” is a terrible line in this context, as it makes it sound like Alan is willfully depressed, when he isn’t. The mere fact that he goes to the League to battle Ash so that he can have five minutes of happiness (which he’s so grateful for that he thanks Ash about three times) shows that he’s not willfully depressed. It’s not that Alan wants to be depressed. It’s not that he likes brooding and whining. Rather, it’s that he (again) is a victim of prolonged abuse, complex traumas, guilt / shame, and understandable depression. “You don’t gain a single thing from misery?” Well, no shit. It’s not like Alan is miserable because he wants to be. He’s miserable because he has undergone a lot of abuse and complex trauma, among other things.

And that entire quoted first verse really rubs me the wrong way, too. Apart from once again not fitting (Alan wasn’t forgotten what he has—far from it, given all the times we see him remember / reflect / long for Sycamore and his home throughout the series), that entire verse smacks a lot of “oh, shut up and stop whining, you’ve got so much going for you, why are you depressed” and here’s the thing: that’s not how depression works. Even setting aside the complex trauma that Alan has as a result of the abuse he has undergone, even your standard clinical depression really doesn’t give a damn what “blessings” you have in your life. It doesn’t care about how high your GPA is, or how much material wealth you have. Someone could have riches, a loving family, a supportive partner, wonderful pets, and everything else a person could possibly want, and their brain gremlins could still make them feel depressed. And telling them, “suck it up, buttercup, you’re super wealthy and fortunate” isn’t going to do a thing to make them feel better. That’s not how mental illness works. And since I hate that attitude that people sometimes take, that “your life could be worse so you don’t have a right to be depressed” attitude, that verse really rubs me the wrong way.

(And I do feel that’s the intent of the song, since the song goes on to say: 

“You’ve got it all.You lost your mind in the sound.There’s so much more.You can reclaim your crown.You’re in control.Rid of the monsters inside your head.Put all your faults to bed.You can be king.”

It’s not that easy. Thinking “I’ve got it all” doesn’t make the depression and the complex trauma suddenly go away. Lines like “you’re in control / rid the monsters inside your head” could refer to something like CBT or EMDR, which does put control back into the hands of the abuse / trauma survivor with a great deal of work—but without background knowledge of something like CBT or EMDR, it feels a lot like Lauren is saying “you’ve got it all, so just stop being depressed,” and that’s awful. It’s awful and it doesn’t suit Alan at all.)

And keep in mind, all of that is just referring to what we see strictly in canon. That’s not getting into the background that I provided Alan that goes into the abuse and neglect he survived in Isolé Village, which actually started the C-PTSD that Lysandre later caused to flare up again, thereby exacerbating already existing wounds. As if everything in canon wasn’t enough, there’s more to his backstory than that which compounds everything further. He has more than enough justification for feeling the way he does.

Finally, even if you want to say that perhaps the song could instead refer to the fact that, well, even if Sycamore hasn’t officially adopted him, Sycamore still plainly loves him and has given him a home and Alan should be grateful for that—Alan is. Setting aside the majority of canon, during which Alan thinks he can’t go home for a multitude of reasons (namely that Lysandre has convinced him it’s dangerous, but also because he thinks that Sycamore is going to be angry with him for cutting contact), Alan is eternally grateful to Sycamore for giving him a home and taking care of him for the seven years between leaving Isolé Village and the start of his journey. He loves Sycamore dearly, and sees him as a father regardless of the fact that Sycamore never officially adopted him. And he recognizes, too, that Sycamore cares about him, feels that Sycamore probably (hopefully) does love him—but he, for several reasons, does have doubts and insecurities over whether or not Sycamore sees (or wants to see) him as a son. These stem from:

The fact that his biological parents abandoned him, and he doesn’t know why for the longest time. Were they attacked? Are they dead? Did they just not want him? Alan doesn’t know, but what he does know (if only subconsciously) is that he has attachment / abandonment issues from it.

No one in Isolé Village wanted him. In fact, it’s the opposite: pretty much everyone there actively disliked him.

When Sycamore brought him home, Alan asked (albeit indirectly, because he was very scared of rejection) if Sycamore was his new dad or not. Specifically, he asked “what should I call you” because, again, he was very afraid of being rejected and didn’t want to upset Sycamore. Sycamore said, “Just Professor is fine,” and he had his reasons for this as well—but Alan, as a five-year-old who had been abandoned by his parents and unloved by all the adults he had ever known prior to that point, took it the wrong way, i.e. he felt that Sycamore just didn’t want Alan to call him “Dad,” and therefore Alan had to earn it. Truth be told, even though this hurt, Alan chose to look at it as optimistically as he reasonably could. He felt that he did have a chance to earn it, at least, because Sycamore didn’t hate him. He was already doing better with Sycamore than he was with everyone back in the village. At least it wasn’t a lost cause.

Then he goes on his journey, cuts contact with Sycamore when he’s thirteen for Sycamore’s own safety, finds out he was used to incite attempted mass genocide, and … well, that speaks for itself. He feels it’s definitely a lost cause now. He’s wrong, of course, but he figures if Sycamore didn’t want to adopt him before, he certainly won’t want to now, and Alan can’t blame him.

So he does have insecurities and depression over that, and it’s not because he’s not grateful for the home he has, or feels that Sycamore doesn’t care for him. It’s that he’s been an orphan his entire life, what he wanted more than anything prior to meeting Sycamore was at least one parent that loved him, and while he has gotten that in everything but name from Sycamore (and again, he’s very grateful for this), he still wishes that he could call Sycamore “Dad,” that he could be “good enough” to be Sycamore’s son, that when he looked at his Trainer’s License he didn’t see empty brackets after his name, but that it said Sycamore instead. And some might see that as “ungrateful” or “selfish,” but I don’t think it is, especially since it’s not like Alan holds it against Sycamore, or even thinks about it on the daily. When he does think about it he feels down over it, but again, it’s not like he feels resentful over it, he doesn’t hold it against Sycamore, he’s still eternally grateful for what he does have (especially since he feels he doesn’t deserve it after everything he did), and he loves Sycamore as his father regardless. In all honesty, Sycamore could disown and kick him out tomorrow, and the love and gratitude that Alan feels toward Sycamore wouldn’t change. He loves Sycamore just that much.

So yeah, tl;dr, I really don’t feel the song fits at all, heh. To me, this song seems to be directed at someone who is being emo and angsty (i.e. whining over nothing), someone who can’t see the measure of the situation for their own angst, someone who “has it all” and thus should just get over whatever their trivial drama is, and that’s not Alan at all. Maybe that’s not the original intention of the song, but that’s how it comes across to me, and so I really can’t agree that it fits. Alan has every right and reason to feel the way he does, he’s painfully aware of his circumstances, and I don’t see him as “edgy” or “angsty” at all.

That’s just my view on it, though.

#white-gehenna #my valiant dragon son #lab family #(for that last section) #meta #i was nearly falling asleep while writing this so i apologize if it's incoherent / there are any typos #i'm very tired

[kaylitos694u]

Life and Death - Complex relationship edition

How long has it been since I’ve contemplated the things I would say at your funeral. It’s something I can’t place a time stamp on because it seems like it’s been for most of my life. When am I going to get the call? When will he really do himself in?

In August you were on your death bed again - another overdose. After years of on and off attempts at getting clean (if there were truly attempts at all), it was bound to happen again I used to think.

But part of me never gave up on you. Part of me always wanted to see you get your head out of your ass, for you to stop wallowing in sadness and start finding a reason to fight, to live. Apparently being there for me was not something that was enough for you to stay clean. It’s a selfish thought but one I’ve had an internal struggle about for years. He chose drugs over you, he doesn’t love you, you’re a burden, if you didn’t exist he would be happier. These are things I internalized since childhood, sometimes it still haunts me and the voices in my head constantly tell me it was all because of me. But part of me also knew that you had good intentions. I mean, why would you want your daughter witness that low in your life? It’s to shelter her, to save her from it. But it was a failed attempt because I always knew. The money you “borrowed” from me for pizza and drugs, the times you’d disappear with Julie in her room while I was isolated upstairs. I still saw a lot of shit I shouldn’t have. Being around scumbag crackheads like Jeff was a lot. Seeing the things I saw was a lot. Enduing the way Julie took advantage of me as a kid when it came to free labor. The way she used me as a tool to guilt you into paying her to the fucking penny when you barely got paid to begin with. I remember the times I was scared of you when you drank sometimes. One memory that always haunts me is the way you screamed at me when I said I was scared of you when you were drinking back at Quarry Lane. I can still feel the fear creep up on occassion. It was the first and only time I was ever scared of you and I don’t know why that’s coming to me right now. 

My solace during those times were video games,Something that started with us playing Final Fantasy IX when I was 5. I will never forget how proud I was beating the Black Waltz I in the Ice Cavern and gushing to you about it because I was becoming a big girl. I remember all the times we spent playing the Spyro trilogy Even now when I go back to playing the original games I always think of you, and remember how you taught me to search every nook and cranny for ever gem. Watching you play games was inspiring and it’s become such an important aspect of my life. I even learned to be a completionist from you and it’s one of the only things that makes me happy to this day. Remembering the time we spent together playing games is something I cherish greatly. The times we would sit around and watch TV, or just talk about all the crazy things you did when you were a teenager, all the lessons to learn to help me stay away from that life.

But yet I also remember all the times earlier in my life when you’d promise me you’d come pick me up and I’d sit on the stoop out on Arnold Ave back when we lived in Queens. There were so many days I would pack and dance around my room waiting for you to come, only to come to realize you weren’t actually gonna be there. I remember the times you weren’t around back at Quarry Lane when I was too scared to speak up from the trauma of those earlier experiences to the point where I starved myself because there was minimal to no food and I was too scared to touch or ask for anyone’s food and Julie would order food for her and Courtny but forget my existance since I used to stay upstais. 

But even still, I remember the day you called me at Sunny Hill and explained the behavior, explaining why you were gone for so long. You said you did it for me, for my sake.But I don’t know if you ever truly thought of the consequences of your actions cost me. I have a lot of commitment and abandonment issues because of this kind of stuff. I can never erase the vivid memory of sitting on my stoop for hours waiting for a car to pull up and for you to jump out and hug me.

This relationship has always been so complex, I’ve always had internal battles. But despite everything there’s one thing that I’ve always known - That you love me very much, that despite everything you would always love me. And I would always love you too, no matter how petty some of our arguments would be. 

I remember when I decided I couldn't talk to you for a while because I was filled with anger and resentment for my childhood. But I also remember slowly trying to gather my thoughts and get everything out. This is most likely incoherent but I have to write something. It feels as if I’m running out of time. I wish I was stronger and was able to tackle it then instead of pushing it off like I do with everything else thanks to how awful my mental state has been. I've been depressed and suicidal for years but yet I still keep fighting tooth and nail to stay alive, to strive for the happy, healthy, and stable future I've dreamed of for ages.

Oh how I wish I could go back. To muster the strength to talk to you about all these years where I was hurt but too scared to speak up.

But through it all I have always loved you. And also counted you as my ally when it comes to family. You were a black sheep and so I was labeled one as well. I mean, I grew up differently too so it only makes sense. I often feel like I don’t belong in this family, that I’m just not worthy or good enough. That all my effort is for nothing and I will never be fully accepted by some of our family because of my background and beliefs. But you, even when I felt like I hated or resented you, I always knew you were the one person who would always understand that feeling of not belonging, and have people looking down at you.

If I have any regrets it’s that I couldn't muster the courage to reach out as much as I should have. God how I wish I could rewind the clock and tried to have this conversation before, when we had time. How I wish I could have time to figure out what to say, how to feel, what to do. 

I’m lost. I’m in pain. I often find myself crying and worrying about you often, because despite how fucked up and inconsistent our relationship has been, I always knew that through it all love would hold us together. Sometimes I felt like giving up was my only option but I could never bring myself to do it.

It pains me even more when it comes to Sam and her girls. I haven’t told you about it yet because I’m so conflicted, but hearing the way you’d slip wife into conversations we had about her, the way you wanted to be there and help her kids and shield them from that piece of shit guy. Part of me feels like I’ve been stabbed in the chest. Almost a betrayal, seeing and hearing the way you care about them and want to be there for them when there were years we’d go without speaking because of your habits. Occasionally I feel some resentment about it. But more importantly, as we continued to speak about Sam I could see how happy she made you, how much she made you want to keep fighting, to have a reason to be clean. I never felt like I was good enough for you or anyone to be a reason why you’d try to stop, so it hurts thinking about. But interacting with Sam, and seeing how much she loves and cherishes you...All I wanted was for you to be able to recover so you could finally settle down with a wonderful woman who loves you, and for you to be able to be a positive influence on girls who are in need of a role model. When I prayed for you, I prayed that you’d be able to spend your life with Sam.

When I went to see you in August, at first he seemed like he had nothing to live for. No reason to fight your addiction, to tackle all of the pain and suffering you endured, no reason to truly realize the things you have done in the past and claim some form of responsibility.But I also realized despite it all, I wanted you to be able to see me get married, and graduate, and be able to start a good life for myself where I’m happy and healthy. At the bare minimum I wish you were able to meet my boyfriend Jack. Hes honestly the sweetest guy in the whole world and I want to marry him. I found someone who loves and supports me and I wanted him to get to meet you.

There were so many things I wish you could be there for, There are so many things I could redo, so many moments I’d spoken to your sooner about how complex our relationship is to me.

But I have to get it all off my chest now, I don’t want to live with any regrets and above all I respect our honesty policy we have. I wish you were around more as a kid but I was also looking forward to see our relationship blossom and improve. 

This is an incoherent mess, but I just need you to know how much I love you. I love you so damn much and I’m so sorry I couldn't have been there more through these times..

#personal #grief