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archivalofsins · 1 year

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Oh, fuck I forgot another thing... I never put up part 2 of this. So, here it is lol. Finally put it up when the word doc was at exactly 99 pages too. The tarot still isn't done. god...help..me.

It’s probably because when Boku Mikoto went to sleep at the beginning of Milgram Ore Mikoto woke up and just did whatever the hell made that boing noise. On top of that all the things that Ore Mikoto does are things that Boku Mikoto has actively tried to quit doing. Mikoto states this during his first interrogation,

Q.17 Do you smoke?

Mikoto: Only electric; I used to smoke real cigarettes in the past but since I started my job, I’ve stopped.

We can discern that this happens after him starting his job because his murders are implied to be heavily tied to his work predicament as the tarot thing explained.

Q.20 Are you more of a morning person or a night person?

Mikoto: I used to be basically nocturnal. Recently though I’ve been falling asleep pretty early.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that right as they show Ore Mikoto begin to watch tv it then transitions to this scene of Boku Mikoto waking up.

So the other guy is more than likely the reason the other prisoners don’t know when he sleeps and that alone may have been why Kotoko had her suspicions about him before his first interrogation. The guy is just in there literally doing anything to release pent up energy to the point Amane made a noise complaint.

I’m not over that boing noise coming from his room. Like what the hell made that noise. I mean if there’s a bed in that cell, he’s jumping on it at that point. Es was too afraid and confused by the boing to go in to check and if Kotoko went in back then she would’ve gotten her ass handed to her.

Because of point C. The other Mikoto has limited patterns of behavior. This is illustrated in the John Doe voice drama when Kotoko fights them. She states that “Your technique is definitely that of an amateur. The way you use those muscles of yours is subpar.” The other Mikoto, unlike what is illustrated in MeMe doesn’t have a full understanding of how to use Mikoto’s strength, at least not in a calculative way.

During MeMe, we see that Mikoto plays into his strengths by using something he’s admittedly educated with a baseball bat. To make up and account for any gap in strength between himself and his targets. Sneak attacking most of his victims as we see Kotoko do as well.

MeMe doesn’t show many brute force head on attacks like we overhear in the John Doe voice drama. However, since memories vary between personalities he always has time to learn the more he’s out. He seemingly learned his lesson from his first encounter with Kotoko since he’s able to fight her off during the intermission.

Kotoko’s birthday interaction with them also supports this framing as he responds to her threats with,

“Haah?! Why don’t you try it then you lunatic?! I’ll crush anyone who tries to harm me. I’ll make sure to thoroughly beat you at your own game!”

Did you catch that last part? I’ll make sure to thoroughly beat you at your own game. The fact that Ore Mikoto is comparing Kotoko’s behavior to a game implies that he is actively working to understand the rules of it. Not just the rules around Kotoko but probably around Milgram as a whole.

Which honestly makes the most sense. For him to actually be able to protect anything he first needs an understanding of what’s going on and where danger could come from. During the intermission he doesn’t go on the offensive immediately like he did in the interrogation room or like Kotoko does. Given he remembers good and well how that turned out even if Mikoto doesn’t.

Instead he spends his time being so outwardly hostile and closed off that Mikoto basically becomes unapproachable. Then actively chews through his restraints. Mikoto's trial two design directly reflects who’s been out the longest. In this case Ore Mikoto who unlike Boku can’t tie his shoelaces perfectly,

Boku Mikoto:

Ore Mikoto:

Scratches at his head messing up his hair instead of rubbing the back of his neck,

Oh, yeah and may eat through leather! None of his restraints were lengthened/undone because of the verdict he just bit through it like a gremlin bastard child. He even ripped the fabric beneath. For comparison let’s put Mikoto side by side with Amane.

The clasps at the bottom of Amane’s restraints are still visible and they’ve lengthened. Showing that they’ve gotten tighter because of her verdict. In contrast Mikoto’s restraints have gotten shorter and looser because he bit and ripped through them. We know this is not a result of his verdict because Jackalope says he’s been running about free and unrestrained.

Even though I find the idea of Kotoko resorting to knawing on Mikoto in their fight just because she was losing that badly amusing it’s implied she didn’t even get close enough to him to do anything. Also, if she did get close enough to do this, she wouldn’t bite at his restraints.

Come on we all know at this point she has a tendency to go for the eyes. Too soon sorry. (It's not too soon at this point!) Sometimes she goes for the arms and legs too though. Okay, okay I’ll stop. That and she would definitely want to keep him restrained. I mean the restraints are the result of Es' judgements and a byproduct of Milgram. So, why would she purposely destroy them if her intended goal is to work alongside the facility?

Honestly, Kotoko taught Ore Mikoto dodge and inspect, then immediately regretted it. She’s just here like this fucker shouldn’t exist because she’s embarrassed to admit that once again in her haste to physically assault people for kicks she ended up causing more problems for herself. That’s what she gets for showing her hand early in the interrogation room, I suppose. Something she was called out for by Yuno after her whole attack during the break.

Now that we’ve gone over why Kotoko couldn’t do shit to Ore Mikoto during their second round. What does this mean? Well, it means that once again, like with the hangman, his current state is something self-inflicted. It also means Haruka isn’t the only one learning stuff in Milgram Ore Mikoto is slowly learning as well. Yet, if he’s learning how to be a calculative fighter now... I'm sincerely asking again, then what’s with the behavior in MeMe?

Dissociative Amnesia is when someone is incapable of remembering integral personal information about themselves. Information that would usually normally not be forgotten due to general forgetfulness. Usually, the information forgotten is directly connected to one’s conscious awareness and would be described as autobiographical memory.

Is anyone starting to see why after writing all this and looking this song over more times than I should have, it keeps coming back to how the murders are depicted within the mv. The way it conflicts with all the information we have on the other personality but coincides with what we know about Mikoto. All this is what has led me to believe the murders weren’t done by Ore Mikoto but by Boku Mikoto, who, like Es said from the start forgot he did it.

More than likely due to dissociative amnesia. So, let’s talk about that.

What’s dissociative amnesia?

Is there a difference between it and dissociative identity disorder?

Can you have one without the other?

Is this starting to click yet; are you getting what I’m putting down? Mikoto doesn’t remember his murder but that’s not because Ore Mikoto did it. In fact, as stated before, Mikoto very well could have had undiagnosed dissociative identity disorder way before any of this even happened.

Dissociative amnesia can occur after most traumatic experiences. Even though the memory isn’t consciously accessible by the individual it can still subconsciously impact their behavior and mannerisms. For example, if someone is recorded doing something and it’s shown to a lot of people, they may forget the incident itself happened and what they did in response to it but subconsciously be hypervigilant about being surveilled.

All without really remembering why.

Mikoto is very straightforward when it comes to doing things with others in mind, and it’s heavily implied this isn’t a mentality that started recently through the lyrics of his song. That his whole life he’s probably been doing that, and while it’s easy to go oh he just snapped and then the other personality appeared.

That’s not how DID works, baby. So, let’s get into that and any other wrong assumptions. So, speed run. Mikoto isn’t bad system rep cause DID is not a system. At least it’s not when it’s formed. What?? I hear you asking it’s not? No, it’s fucking not and I’d enjoy it if people would stop asserting it is. Because it’s never been. If you’re looking for system representation though that’s Amane.

I have no kind way of saying this please stop imposing surface level interpretations of actual disorders on media and people.

Wait but Amane isn’t a system? Okay, let me break it down for you. A system is usually what people with dissociative identity disorder work towards having after becoming aware of these other personalities. Until they are actively made aware of these separate personalities it is unlikely that a system will exist. This is the reason Boku Mikoto has at least to Jackalopes admission been restrained but Ore Mikoto has not been.

Now why are you saying a genuine case of dissociative identity disorder isn’t a system the same thing. NO, NO IT’S NOT! That’s OSDD or Partial Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Milgram has already made it clear that the thing stopping the prisoners from attacking Es was imposed through a form of psychological manipulation. This manipulation makes them believe there’s a barrier between them and Es. However, the truth is they’ve been mentally conditioned to not be able to hit Es. The reason this conditioning only affects Boku Mikoto and not Ore Mikoto is because they are existing in two separate mental states not as a system.

I feel like that should’ve been the first hint that it wasn’t a system but a genuine case of dissociative identity disorder. Unlike in a system where there is some communication between separate personalities, or they are at least aware of each other’s existence. Other personalities when it comes to dissociative identity disorder aren’t really controlled, spoken to in that capacity, and most times the person with the disorder can be completely unaware that they have it until much later in life.

But what are those?!

Okay, OSDD stands for Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. It’s just as difficult to get diagnosed with. However, when people don’t fit all of the criteria necessary to be diagnosed with DID yet have been facing long term issues that cause distress or impairment along with some dissociative symptoms, they likely would be diagnosed with this.

On the other hand, Partial Dissociative identity Disorder is a more recent term for a type of OSDD. It’s unlikely that you’d come across the term in North America unless you were doing an essay or something but who would do that… It’s also possibly what Amane has.

It’s when a person still experiences disturbances with their personality, like with DID, but there is a dominant personality. Intrusion from other parts is usually irregular and may only happen during emotional or distressing situations. This is more reminiscent of the discussions around systems brought up as points of contention to the depiction of Mikoto’s DID.

Remember that first post the prelude or preface when I said, “All we’re missing is overt ableism, racism, and sexism disguised as feminism.” Bet most thought that wasn’t coming up again.

But guess what we’ve got one baby! We found it, OVERT ABLEISM! Pop the champagne ma we made it! Okay fake celebration aside. Yeah, now while some thought they were being kind, others considerately just advocating for better rep most were just grossly uninformed. That’s something anyone can be regardless of if they have the disorder or not.

I’m not going to claim that I know everything about autism or adhd just because I have them both. Hell, I only skimmed my diagnosis forms. I don’t believe any neurodivergent person would or should claim to know everything about the disorder they have. Unless I don't know they're a psychologist specializing in the disorder I suppose. Even then a person’s diagnosis is very personal to them, and I can’t tell anyone who has DID or any other diagnosis how they should personally feel about how said diagnosis is represented in media.

However, how someone personally feels and what’s being asserted as fact are two different things. The only people being hurt by the assertion that dissociative identity disorder only works one specific way is people with that disorder. Most of whom go undiagnosed for a multitude of reasons.

Look, I know it hurts to be called out for internalized ableism or any ism. I’m not trying to be a dick about it. It sucks but sometimes ableism is caused by well-meaning people who don’t know what they’re talking about. Being misinformed and under educated can cause instances of discrimination. Instances that can be avoided by taking a moment to step back and genuinely ask do I know enough about this topic.

Especially when it comes to something as personal and diverse as mental health. If the answer is no then go do research, look for information, broaden your horizons. If your opinion still hasn’t changed that’s fine but you’ll be more informed and better equipped to explain why. We’re all learning together here. Do you really think I planned that reveal out.

Sure, I had a feeling that Amane may have a dissociative disorder before starting this essay and even discussed it with friends. However, the overt ableism thing is something I discovered alongside everyone as I was typing this. Okay maybe a bit earlier since I’m not putting this up directly after typing this. Or am I? No, we’re not.

You don’t even have to believe me. I did say do your own research after all. Since I said that this is a great time to list the books I got as references for this. Because I too could be full of shit. I am not a psychiatrist because I didn’t finish college and I’m here now still in debt writing over sixty pages on a fictional character and typing out an existential crisis-

REFERENCES

Eich, E., Macaulay, D., Loewenstein, R.J., Dihle, P.H. (1997). Implicit Memory, Interpersonality Amnesia, and Dissociative Identity Disorder. In: Read, J.D., Lindsay, D.S. (eds) Recollections of Trauma. NATO ASI Series, vol 291. Springer, Boston, MA.

Kluft, R.P. (1996). Dissociative Identity Disorder. In: Michelson, L.K., Ray, W.J. (eds) Handbook of Dissociation. Springer, Boston, MA.

Reinders, A.A.T.S., Willemsen, A.T.M. (2014). Dissociative Identity Disorder and Fantasy Proneness: A Positron Emission Tomography Study of Authentic and Enacted Dissociative Identity States. In: Dierckx, R., Otte, A., de Vries, E., van Waarde, A., den Boer, J. (eds) PET and SPECT in Psychiatry. Springer, Berlin, Heidelberg. International Society for the study of trauma and disassociation: What are the dissociative disorders.

Now back to Amane. How do we know that she is the system or partial dissociative identity disorder rep people are looking for? Because they show it in the Minigrams all the time.

Since this is a common gag in some anime and manga it’s easy to overlook. The most recent example of this I can think of is My Next Life as a Villainess. However, what sets Amane apart from that iteration of this trope is one thing. Shidou keeps getting in there too.

The reason Shidou keeps finding his way into this council may not just be a funny little gag but in fact a way to allude to there being a system here. Not only that but Shidou just may be directly impacting it. Amane’s entire council is only made up of variations of herself until Shidou appears out of the blue one day. It’s even shown that at times Shidou isn’t even still discussing the thing that Amane is deliberating on in her head. Like here-

In Amane’s mind Shidou appears and brings up the phrase seeing is believing. Which honestly sounds like something he would say but when she throws the pancakes in his face he’s begun discussing where the word pancake comes from. He’d already said this is something she wouldn’t be able to understand until she experienced it herself. There’s not much reason for him to reiterate that again but this time attach it to a saying.

Plus, the next time he appears in the council he doesn’t even speak before the other Amane’s run out screaming then Amane our usual Amane throws the pancakes in his face. The council doesn’t try to kick Shidou out from the table or just kill him.

They’re just trying to avoid him so his presence doesn’t impact their judgements which would explain the fear filled screaming especially if up there it’s only been them for the longest time.

Plus, it’s not out of character for Amane to react viscerally to him getting up there. Yet him getting in there shows that regardless of how much Amane wants to admit it or not he is growing on her. This interpretation fits with her first cover Positive Parade as well.

“We can’t stop. You’ll be alright and end up smiling beautifully. I’m not wrong but if someone says “no that’s not right” I won’t support anything that denies you.” Also, literally today as I’m typing this:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAHIRU

Also, thanks for accidentally helping prove my point lol-

Amane: Happy Birthday. Mahiru; how has your condition been lately?

Mahiru: Ah, Amane; thank you. Yes, I’m fine. If I use a wheelchair, I can still move around. It’s all thanks to Shidou’s treatment.

Amane: It is only appropriate that I give a warning first. The realm you and Shidou are treading within is forbidden. If you continue to work against or disrupt the natural order, you’ll only hasten your demise. So, think about your next steps carefully.

Mahiru: Amane…Are you actually, Amane?

Sometimes things just fall together was literally messaged this by Star after having a phone call about this exact topic. Also, lol, Amane literally went if God wanted you to walk, you’d be walking get out of that wheelchair. Like come on Amane it’s a wheelchair calm down. She is not toeing the same line as Shidou. He is a literal doctor she’s just injured. Leave her alone!

Damn she really hates all aspects of medicine.

Mahiru is so unlucky she gets jumped almost dies and then is threatened for using a mobility aid by a fifteen-year-old. Mahiru and Mikoto having some of the worst birthday interactions this trial. Like happy birthday Kotoko- You shouldn’t exist. Happy birthday Mahiru, also if you continue to test fate you will meet yours sooner tee hee. As they’re just there like “???”

I didn’t even really need to defend this idea this much since the minigrams literally tell us all this is happening in her head with a big sign but we’re here now so…

That’s not even going into all the similarities and contradictions between her and Mikoto. Her believing deeply in a higher power while he says he doesn’t believe because there’s nothing he’d gain from it. Yet, clearly believing in Tarot a great deal. They both committed murder through bludgeoning and have the same empty look in their eyes in their trial two designs. So, we may have gotten two forms of dissociative rep. Though I get the kneejerk reactions since I rarely saw any decent representation if any growing up.

So, sure people were uninformed, but does that really make it ableist? Can't it just be being uneducated?

People assumed that there was a typical way DID presented itself and felt that Mikoto didn’t properly represent that. Ableism is the discrimination of and social prejudice against people with disabilities under the belief that people with typical abilities are superior. A lot of people assume ableism cannot happen within disabled communities. It very much can.

Even without stating ableism can occur wherever a norm or typical depiction of something exists whether physical or psychological. Which a good chunk of the fanbase tried to create a standard version of DID. Something that in of itself is already a problem.

It’s literally just ableist to ask if someone is really disabled, how disabled they are, or imply they’re faking. Made incredibly worse by the fact that Mikoto never self-reported having DID. Everyone else but him has said he has it. So, how the fuck is he faking at that point?

For a racial equivalent I’ve personally experienced it’s basically going, “You don’t talk black?” Except as a person with a disability I got its lovely variant, “You talk so well you can’t possibly have autism.” That stopped me from getting tested for autism before. That psychiatrist went I know what’s actually wrong with you it’s low self-esteem you just communicate so well when you open up it can’t be autism.

Congratulations; can you communicate while also having Autism? Then some specialist may believe you aren’t entitled to your diagnosis. Or even just, “But you can write entire essays on a topic how could you have ADHD but pay attention that long. Are you sure you’re not just looking for an excuse to be lazy.”

To the surprise of no one that first lady was also racist cause isms tend to come in pairs. Spent a session telling me that critical race theory shouldn’t be taught in schools. Honestly, no one would believe the people with psychiatry degrees in my state. The woman who diagnosed me immediately weaponized the diagnosis against me and begin being directly ableist towards me.

It’s no secret that I’m 27 (at the time I wrote this I am now 28 can you believe how time and my inability to do shit in a timely manner coincide) and this fandom skews on the younger side for a psychological murder show with a heavy mystery aspect… So, I can’t be too surprised that this isn’t common knowledge, I guess. I’m saying all this to get the point across that I am a full ass adult but when she found out I had autism she literally just started talking about me to my father like I was still a child. Basically, just talking about me and not to me.

She would also repeat things over and over like do you understand. Then got really mad when all her testing was finished and she discovered my verbal comprehension (vci) was above those of approximately 99% of my peers as though I was just pretending to be stupid. I was just here like oh your fancy test says I’m not a dumbass look at that. She also withheld my diagnosis forms from me and lied about sending them to my primary care doctor. Had to fax that shit to them myself.

Is it apparent I’ve faced multiple forms of discrimination at this point because got damn. Everyone experiences ableism in different ways and as it happens they might not even know it’s that. My experiences won’t align with everyone else’s and that’s absolutely okay. In that same vein I think it’s okay for Mikoto, Haruka, and Amane to not be perfect representations of whatever disabilities they may have. At the end of the day I don’t think their murders had anything to do with their disabilities and trying to play it off as though they do is a disservice to them.

It's like Amane said with her age we shouldn’t treat her any differently just because she’s a child. Because that doesn’t mean she has any less of a freewill than the others here and it’s the same when it comes to disabilities as well. Every type of person can be a murderer not just people with disorders or disabilities.

So, I think there’s ableism involved here absolutely.

It also certainly didn’t help that I saw a good deal of people putting forth that the writer was perpetuating a harmful stereotype despite there not being any proof of that outside of the confirmation Mikoto had DID. I don't think this has to be said but a character having a confirmed disorder doesn't immediately make them bad representation. Some went as far as projecting the same stereotype, they were against on the media to further prove it was bad.

It's fine to dislike the dipiction or Mikoto as a character but I feel it's reaching shakey ground when people are going this character having confirmed insert mental disorder here is bad. Not only that but I believe it should be interrogated why this mindset was displayed when it came to Mikoto having DID but not Haruka possibly having autism. I feel the response to Mikoto and his narrative serves to highlight just how stigmatized and overlooked DID remains even now.

Super fun. Moving on.

Then through doing this most of the fandom fell right into the exact same stereotypes and subconscious biases that negatively affect people with dissociative identity disorder on the regular basis. Grossly asserting that he must be faking because the way it presents in him doesn’t fit ones view of the disorder or how the internet has presented it, immediately blaming and asserting the other personality committed the murders check, saying he deserves to be in there cause he’s either a danger to others or himself check. Something made worse simply because individuals who have DID and no more than two personality states are often times accused of faking more than those who have more than two.

However, it's still difficult for either types of people to get diagnosed or taken seriously just because of how the disorder continues to be meet with a wide range of skepticism both publicly and professionally.

Unlike with what Amane has where there is a dominant personality. The thing that makes d.i.d difficult to manage and deal with is that lack of communication and awareness when it comes to the issue. At times dissociative identity disorder can form rapidly due to incredibly traumatizing situations. However, Mikoto’s situation may not be one of those cases.

Okay follow me for a bit we know that Mikoto remembers playing baseball in high school from his first trial interrogations questions.

“Do you have baseball experience?

I played baseball in high school; I wasn't very good at it though. I still practice my swing when I get frustrated with work.”

Remember that emphasis I put on the pullback in the swing on that attack in the previous post go back and look at the pictures if you need to. The reason we highlighted that is because it shows an understanding of how much strength is needed to get the desired result. This sort of move as we've gone over doesn’t seem like the guy we heard fighting Kotoko in the interrogation room or heard about fighting her off when she had weapons like plural not just a single weapon.

Certain behavior from Mikoto after doesn’t make sense like the thing on Kotoko’s birthday. Would he really attempt to call a truce with her after experiencing being attacked by her even if it was the other who faced the attack unlike with being watched Mikoto shows very little- Well, more so no signs of being wary of Kotoko after either of their conflicts.

Let’s talk about interpersonality amnesia. It’s exactly as it sounds amnesia between personality states. There is already a solid example of how this works within Milgram. It is the reason that the other personality within Mikoto can hit Es and Mikoto cannot. Whatever conditioning that occurred to have the prisoners be incapable of hitting Es did not occur to the other personality.

In fact it’s pretty much like it didn’t even happen to him. Because it didn’t it happened to the other guy. His continued wariness around being surveiled is consistent with what we know about dissociative amnesia. He remembers what triggered the trauma to avoid it but for now at least to our knowledge not the trauma itself. This issue could occur even if he already had dissociative identity disorder before facing this trauma.

As of now the other Kayano knows about their murders to some capacity even believing he was right to respond in the way he did without specifying what he was responding to. Because of this he has no reason to be chummy with anyone here and while he’s out he hasn’t been. Because if he knows that they themselves have killed, then they’d have no reason to believe that the others haven’t like Mikoto does at the beginning of Milgram.

Mikoto asserts that he hasn't killed anyone so more than likely no one else did. Because if Milgram is wrong about him which it must be than how could they be right about the others. Basically he labeled everyone else as Innocent in his own mind through association to himself. He pretty much goes if I murdered someone well I'd know that wouldn't I and all I do know is I haven't. Sure my memory is bad but I wouldn't forget something like that surely.

The memory of that conditioning is therefore specific to the Kayano who was fronting at the time of their incarceration. This is probably why Jackalope reacts to Mikoto settling back down as an issue because that conditioning can’t take place without the other personality out. It's could also be why despite the other Mikoto knowing they did something he's also vague about it when talking to Es during the first trial. When asked about if he remembers his murder now instead of confirming or denying it he just laughs and says Es doesn't know when to shut up.

This can be viewed as a confirmation that he knows or showcase that he's does know they did someone but what exactly could be lost on him as well. If it's a memory Mikoto lost due to dissociative amnesia then the other guy may not know a thing about the sin Mikoto was brought in for just his part in it. If Mikoto was pushed to brink of stress the other personality could have come out during the crimes. In most sce es in MeMe Mikoto seems to have firm control over the situation. However, as I believe we discussed in the previous post if Mikoto was injured during one of his attacks successfully had the tables turned on him it's not unlike the other guy would come out in response to that.

This could be why he immediately rushes Kotoko and jumps to violence with Es because he learned the best thing to do when facing conflict is get offensive before your opponent does. Just charge in because if you don't you could end up dying instead. So when cornered by Kotoko he immediately fell back on what he did before rushing in.

Now the thing with the conditioning could be proven false if the Kayano who was incarcerated attempts and succeeds at hitting Es sometime later. However, the likelihood of that is nonexistent due to said Kayano’s statements on violence. Since he thinks resorting to violence is immature and embarrassing, he is less likely to attack Es overall. Especially given the fact that he still holds to the belief that he is being surveilled. A belief that at this point has been confirmed. So, this is much less likely to be an action he takes, especially in a room where he knows he is being recorded like during interrogations.

However, it seems that the guilty verdict from trial one has pushed Kayano to such a state of stress that such a buildup is no longer necessary for a personality change to occur. Basically, he’s constantly stressed now. This is saying something given the fact he was already on the edge when he was brought into Milgram. Given his hyperveligence about being surveiled and tge fact he is now being forced to live in a panopticon for an indefinite period of time and his concerns about losing his job.

Honestly, if Mikoto heard the recording of him in the John Doe voice drama he’d probably die of embarrassment or never leave his cell again. Personality shifts in people with d.i.d at times can have very specific triggers. Kayano has made it clear on numerous occasions that theirs is stress. We saw on Kotoko’s birthday that switching between personalities has become more common and more seamless. We hear Kayano begin to hyperventilate (as a result of Es' continued assertion that he's a murderer and then weaponization of Kayano's admittedly poor and now poorer memory against him) before the other personality presents itself in the John Doe voice drama.

Okay, finally done. I doubt anyone is gonna finish this.

All of this leads us to believe that there's a high chance that if Mikoto Kayano is voted Guilty again that we won’t be seeing the Kayano brought in by Milgram at all third trial. The second trial commencement notice even alludes to this by saying we'd need to get the other Kayano out again for him to be restrained. Because the restraint within Milgram isn't just tying them up but mental conditioning as well there's no telling how it will affect the two personality states.

For all any of us know it could very well be the equivalent of forcibly merging the two states together.

#milgram #mikoto kayano #amane momose

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realmackross · 7 months

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PARTIES: @contemporarybardess, @realmackross TIMING: A Saturday Evening in October SUMMARY: Mackenzie meets Elora at Maized & Confused for something that some might call a first date. 😊 WARNINGS: Murder mention tw, Grief mention tw

It was approaching 4pm, and Elora waited nervously in the parking lot of the town’s featured corn maze, Maized and Confused. She knew that the maze wasn’t too far from Monty’s ranch, and wondered if Mackenzie was nearby. She remembered watching her on TV late at night as she bounced around between motels, but she hadn’t expected to ever come face to face with her in person. Not that she ever idolized her when she knew her as an actress, she was never the type to obsess or fawn over celebrities. She had plans on becoming famous herself one day, and would only be annoyed if any fans acted that way towards her.

And yet, the day she had taken her to Monty, something different occurred. The person on the screen was no longer an abstract hypothetical, she was real flesh and blood and far more captivating than any camera could do proper justice. The only real issue is she was, to put it bluntly, dead. That is, she was walking and talking like a normal human being. But she was dead all the same, and brain hungry. Hey, nobody was perfect.

While she waited, she thought she may as well get their tickets, and quickly made her way to the ticket booth. She figured it was definitely a better look than just standing around awkwardly in the parking lot. The cold fall air of Maine was finally starting to put a harsh chill over the town, but Elora had thankfully dressed in many layers. The wind was hardly blowing, so their day out should at least be tolerable. She had hoped the weather wouldn’t end their day early. Expectantly, she walked away from the ticket booth and eagerly waited for her date.

—

Mackenzie hadn’t been on a date since well…Brody. To say she was nervous was an understatement. If her heart could beat, it would’ve been beating right out of her cold, dead chest. But this was good right? It was a step moving forward? She would always love Brody. He would forever be the boy who had her heart, and she was still grieving him; she was just trying something new. Trying to move forward and do better for herself. But never would she have imagined it would have been with someone who saved her life…err death?

Pulling into the parking lot of Maized and Confused, Mackenzie checked in the mirror to see if everything looked okay. She wanted to look less dead than usual, and for the first time in a while, she had really taken the time to get ready and to look her best. More so than when she had a shift at Dance Macabre. “Okay, Mack. It’s just one date. A thank you for saving me sort of thing…You got this.”

Peptalk out of the way, the zombie got out of her Mini and made her way to the entrance finding Elora was already there, “Hey! Sorry, I’m a little late. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was kinda nervous.” She shot Elora an uneasy laugh, before glancing down to see the tickets already in her date’s hands, “Oh, hey you didn’t have to do that. This was going to be my treat for you saving me, even though I mean it’ll never be enough, but you know, just…” Realizing she was talking way more than she needed to, Mackenzie quickly got quiet and looked to the ground embarrassed, “Sorry. I talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

—

When Elora saw a car pull up and park, she looked on eagerly, having a strong suspicion it would be Mackenzie. She was happy to see this confirmed when the blonde stepped out of her car and locked eyes with her. She flashed her a warm smile as she approached. She had been looking forward to seeing her again since the incident that brought them to the ranch. She was really looking forward to spending some quality time with the woman now that she wasn’t so…feral.

“You don’t have to be nervous, I’ve seen you looking a lot worse after all.” She could tell the other woman was about as nervous as she was, maybe even more. She wanted to diffuse the situation as much as she could, the sooner they all calmed down and got comfortable the more they’d be able to just enjoy the night. “Well, I’m the one who asked you to come here with me. Figured it’s only right I be the one to get the tickets, right? Besides, they weren’t that much.”

She found that Mackenzie talked faster when she was nervous, which was a trait she seemed to share. She was trying to taper it back, it was no use having two balls of anxiety talking to each other. She contemplated grabbing Mackenzie’s hand and leading her towards the maze, but decided to simply gesture behind herself and say “You ready?”

They walked towards the maze slowly, and she hoped it wouldn’t be a waste of time and money. Some corn mazes could be really fun, but a lot of others were just a short walk in a circle. Many didn’t have much of a “maze” like quality to them at all, but she had heard good things about this one in particular.

—

Mackenzie knew Elora had a point. She was knocking on death’s door, again, the first time Elora had seen her. But tonight, she had hoped she’d make a different impression. That the two could just have a fun evening with laughter and maybe a kiss at the end of the night if they had hit it off and vibed well together, “You do have a point, about both things, so thank you. But any snacks, hot cocoa, or souvenirs are on me.” She smiled softly. It was the very least she could do for someone who had saved her.

Mackenzie was excited. The last time she had been in a corn maze had been when she was just a kid. She could remember the excitement, but also the absolute terror of getting lost. But her mom and dad had been right by her side the whole time, which seemed to make things a lot better, and by the end of the night, she was laughing and not scared anymore, “Absolutely. Let’s do this.” Of course, this was Wicked’s Rest so there was no guarantee there wasn’t going to be some monster lurking in the shadows.

Moving forward, Mackenzie took note of what was around them, so they could hopefully find their way back to the entrance if worse came to worst, “So have you been through one of these before?” She slowly walked alongside Elora eager to learn more about her new friend.

—

“You drive a hard bargain”, Elora replied with a smirk. She was relieved her date had offered to buy any extras, but didn’t want to come off as a bum. “I could go for some hot cocoa after all, maybe after we find our way out. Assuming, of course, they don’t have to come in and rescue us”. She was sure they could find their way out without a problem. After all, these things are mostly for kids, right?

“Haven’t been to one of these since I was a kid,” she began “and I gotta say the ones back home weren’t quite so creepy. Guess that’s the Wicked’s Rest effect, anything in this town instantly has double the creepy factor.” It was true, her father would take her into human society often enough to not feel isolated from the world. As a result, she had quite a few “normal” childhood experiences she could look back on. She really didn’t like the idea of walking through the mysterious dark cornfields if there was the chance of something jumping out at her, though. For all she knew, the corn itself might be some blood sucking carnivore variety.

The pair made their way inside the maze, and were surprised to see six different divergent paths right from the start. Usually things moved in a straight line before giving a two way intersection to choose from. Already, this seemed just a tad more elaborate than a standard corn maze. Not that Elora was worried, the two of them could still find their way through… eventually.

“So, I know you were an actress. And now, somehow and some way, you’ve passed away. If you don’t mind me asking, what happened? And what brought you to Wicked’s Rest, of all places? I mean, we’re kind of on the opposite end of the country from where you were before.”

—

Mackenzie shrugged, “What can I say? I’ve just had to negotiate on more than one occasion, so I know my stuff.” It was true. Being an actress meant negotiating things on the regular, and if it wasn’t her who was doing it, she was certainly telling her manager, publicist, and other members on her team what she wanted. “Plus hot cocoa and maybe a s’more or two are a given, considering it’s actually cold here in Maine.” She laughed, but was also glad she had decided to order some warmer clothes, including flannel, at the first cold spell. “And yeah, I’d say this thing takes us thirty minutes, maybe an hour tops.” She wanted to keep that confidence, but this was like living over a Hellmouth, and by the end of the night, who knew what they were going to witness.

She let her eyes shift from people to scarecrows to pumpkins, now that that trademarked Wicked’s Rest Paranoia was starting to creep in ever so slowly, “Yeah, same here. The last time I went was with my parents when I was little. I was so scared, but by the end of it, I loved it. Give me the night to see if I can say the same for this place.” However, Mackenzie’s words had seemed to fade as they came up immediately to a multitude of path options, “Well, this is already starting out as a challenge…”

Watching as some kids ran past them randomly choosing a path, Mack turned her attention back to her date and the questions that were already being asked, “Whoa, I would say you move fast, but you did see me at my lowest, so that’s fair.” She paused for a minute trying to figure out how much she wanted to divulge. “Um, well, ironically enough, I was working on a tv show called Dropped, and when I went to do a stunt, the person that was supposed to pull the rigging on my harness back in time didn’t, and I broke my neck and back in the fall. The last thing I remember was waking up extremely hungry.”

After it had happened and Mackenzie had realized she had eaten one of the crew members, someone she had been very fond of, she had shut down for nearly a month. It had taken Taylor, her assistant, convincing her that everything was okay and that what she had done was an accident, for Mackenzie to resume “living”. At least up until the last day with Brody. “And as for choosing Wicked’s Rest, I kind of just closed my eyes and picked a spot. The furthest away I could be from everything and everyone I loved.” She wasn’t ready to confess anything about Brody to Elora. “What about you? How did you end up here? And since you know what I am, are you something other than just a normal human being? AND the more important question…Which path?” She wanted to keep up this conversation, but if they didn’t start moving they were going to be there all night, which honestly at this rate, she didn’t mind.

—

When Elora had asked about Mack’s human death, she didn’t mean to pry into anything sensitive. Not that the very nature of death wasn’t extremely sensitive or personal, it was just an elephant in the room she figured should be asked about. The truth was, she sucked at small talk. Big talk. Now that was more her speed. But big talk isn’t really ideal for a first date, now is it? Ask about her favorite music, color, flower. Normal stuff like that.

“Well while we’re being honest with each other”, the two had come to a complete stop a while ago, almost frozen in place at the amount of choices they had in front of them. She lowered her voice a bit, not wanting any families or passing children to overhear their talk. Already she had found herself a bit absorbed in the closeness the two of them shared and she had briefly forgotten they were in a public place. “I didn’t really grow up with a ton of human interaction. A little bit of it, but not much. I come from a species called sirens. We’re kind of…bird people, I guess you could say? You’ve probably heard the more famous myths, ‘the siren’s song’ that lead sailors to guide their ships directly into certain death. While it’s a neat trick, traditional hunting was far more reliable.” She could already imagine judgment from her date with telling her that her people hunted humans regularly, so quickly added, “I didn’t really participate in hunting humans. Some in the colony did, but I and my family didn’t participate. We were sort of in a…transitionary period let’s call it at the time. Moving away from the old traditions and embracing more humane and modern ways of living.” Perhaps it was this “tradition” of hunting humans that lead to the hunters being enlisted. Maybe if they had abandoned the old ways, they’d all still be alive today.

“I came here for a second chance. And a shot at finding people who I can relate to on a level that I can’t do with regular humans. And I’ve heard plenty of rumors about this town and the paranormal creatures that live here. Figured this would be just as good a place as anywhere else.”

Looking down the many branching paths were starting to disorient her, and they hadn’t even gone down one of the paths yet. She decided to go down one branching out towards the northeast. She was very impressed at how big the corn maze seemed to be now, did it seem this large from the outside?

“Sorry for the hard hitting questions. Let’s go to something normal. What do you like to do for fun? I mean other than getting lost in corn fields, of course.”

—

Mackenzie definitely hadn’t seen their date going in this direction, but they weren’t really conventional in many ways to begin with. She did, however, find herself engrossed in Elora’s tale about her family and her life. So there were zombies, mares, vampires, selkies, mediums, ghosts, werewolves, fae, and now sirens? This definitely had been a monster’s stomping ground. Not to say that Elora was a monster. She was far from it. Her red hair shining under the moonlight and soft skin made Mackenzie’s dead heart want to beat. The woman was beautiful, and it had been the first time she had felt this way since Brody.

It had also made her feel somewhat ashamed and embarrassed though. Did she deserve this happiness? To be with someone else after what she had done to him? It tore at her conscience, but she had needed a nice night. Something fun and enjoyable, and as much as she hated herself on the regular, she wasn’t going to let tonight be one of those nights.

“Wow, first, I didn’t even think sirens were real. No offense, and you saved my life. You’re far from what your ancestors believed. Trust me. I wouldn’t be here, if you hadn’t taken the time and risked your life to help me. Just remember that.” She smiled softly, before following along down a random path with her date.

“No, it’s totally fine. I actually didn’t mind them. I’m so used to getting stupid questions from paparazzi and fans that it’s nice being asked something genuine.” She strolled along next Elora occasionally glancing up at her as they walked. “As for fun. I’ve recently taken up the art of being a hermit since coming here.” Mackenzie laughed, “I’m kidding…sort of. But I like karate, dancing, singing and writing songs, watching movies; even though I miss working in movies. Hanging out with the few friends I’ve made so far. What about you?”

—

It was comforting for Elora to hear that Mackenzie thought she was a good person. She was nervous she’d be seen as a monster, like most people saw her as once they learned her true identity. Then again, she wasn’t a normal person. And she had her own experience in eating human flesh.

“Well, you’re not the scary monster Mr. Romero made you out to be. You’re very sweet, and genuine. And have a lot more to say than just “Guh…braaaiiins” Elora said, giving her best zombie impression.

“I like music, mostly writing and producing. Guess that’s something you and I share! What genre? I also dabble in painting, though I’m far from good at it. Other than that, movies and TV shows are good! Most of what I learned about human society has come from movies and TV, so I’ve watched A. Lot.” She was happy that they had a few shared interests they could bond over. Maybe they could collab? Talk about a power couple.

“Friends are hard to come by in this town, I’ve learned”. It was hard to say, since a big part of why she came here was to make new friends and feel a sense of belonging. She just kept telling herself it would be a little trickier and longer than she’d like, and that’s okay. “It’s why I’m grateful I’ve been able to meet people like you and Monty.”

Just then, they heard a rustling in the corn fields, and could barely make out a bipedal creature of some kind running through the corn. While this would normally terrify Elora, it seemed almost as if it were trying to hide from them, not ambush them.

—

Mackenzie laughed a little harder than she probably should have at Elora’s zombie joke. It was kind though. And considering the way she had felt about herself since becoming a flesh eating monster, the compliment had meant a lot, “Do I really sound like that? Because if I do I probably need to work on my acting skills a little more.” Unfortunately, as much as she had wanted it to be an act, it just wasn’t, “But that’s very kind of you. Guess I’ve just had a hard time not seeing myself as something other than a monster lately, but that’s a story for another time.”

She moved along through the grass as they slowly made turn after turn not paying much attention to anything, but their conversation, “Really? Uh, pop is what I was trying to break into, before going off the grid, but I love all kinds of music. You paint? That’s supes cool. I can paint stick figures. Maybe you can model for me one day, and I’ll paint you like one of my french sticks.” It was probably a super lame joke, but Mack didn’t care. She was enjoying herself, “And if that’s not an option, then maybe we could write a song together?” She leaned in towards Elora and nudged her playfully with her shoulder.

“I can’t say that I’ve had as big of a struggle, but then again, I’ve lived a life where most people wanted to be my friend, but not because they genuinely wanted to know me. Though, I’ve found there are some people around here that have surprised me. And Monty is a very kind man. I’m glad we both have him in our lives. And hey, maybe I could introduce you to some of my friends. Like Alex, I think you’d love her. And Milo.” She wanted badly to say Winter, but considering they weren’t speaking right now, she thought it best to not even bring her up.

Looking forward, Mackenzie stopped walking when she heard a noise followed by something small dashing through the maze and into some stalks of corn, “You just saw that too right?” She looked over at Elora.

—

She wanted to write a song together with her. It was like something out of the cheesy rom coms Elora binge watched as a guilty pleasure, and she loved it.

“Oh yeah, give me a beret and a long cigarette and I’d love to be your French stick!”

She wasn’t familiar with the people she had mentioned yet, but she was sure they were lovely people.

“Have you met Cassius or Ariadne? They’ve been great at welcoming me too.”

She focused her eyes again on the figure in the corn. “I sure did. Y’know, I think I heard a rumor. That there was a creature in the corn fields named Gourdon who tries to hide away from people and hates getting his picture taken. It’s like a small challenge with the people in town to try and get him on camera.”

A mischievous smile flashed across Elora’s lips.

“You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”

—

This night had been going so much better than her anxious mind had said it would be, and Mackenzie was grateful for that. They were even making cute little inside jokes, “Really? Consider it done. Next date…I mean, if you want a next date…I’m turning you into a work of art. Not that you’re not one already, but you know what I mean.” There she went rambling again, but it was okay.

“I have actually! They’re great people too. I don’t know them as well, but I’m glad you’re making friends. You deserve friends and happiness.” Mackenzie had genuinely meant that too. If Elora had come here looking for a better life, then that’s what the zombie had hoped for her.

Okay, good. She wasn’t losing her mind. “Gourdon huh?” Mackenzie looked back to where the creature had tried to hide, seeing the corn stalks rustle again. Glancing over to Elora, she caught sight of the grin, and slowly started to pull out her phone and switch it onto the camera app, “Oh yeah.” The idea to split up had crossed her mind, but she knew good and well, she’d get lost, if she broke away trying to snap a picture of this thing.

—

Here she was already thinking about a second date. I’m so in there, Elora thought to herself. “I’d love a second date, of course! After we catch this thing of course!” she said before taking out her phone and pointing in the general direction she had saw the creature. While venturing into the cornfield may not have been the smartest decision, she had suddenly found her focus placed solely on catching Gourdon on camera.

She sauntered into the cornfield, before realizing having two cameras was better than one.

“Mack, hun, would you mind going further down the cornfield that way? Maybe try to cut him off if he runs that way?” She hadn’t meant for a pet name to slip out. Growing up in South Carolina and working a couple waitressing jobs to get by, little terms of affection just sort of slipped out even in casual settings.

With that, the two women took off into the cornfield trying to catch the elusive Gourdon. Sure, it wasn’t a conventional date night, but it was one Elora was sure she wouldn’t be forgetting any time soon.

—

So this was officially a date, and they were now officially going on a second date. Mackenzie was giddy and so badly wanted to blush. But Elora was right. They had a creature to catch. Did you win a prize if you had proof? She wasn’t sure. It was like going after Bigfoot, except this little guy lived in a cornfield and wasn’t quite as intimidating - or so it seemed. She hadn’t actually seen him yet.

“Right. Creature first.” Wait…Did Elora just call me hun? It had somewhat caught her off guard, and she wanted to overthink it, but didn’t. Couldn’t, especially because she had picked up on the slightest of movement just up ahead in the direction that her date had requested she go, “No, not at all, Babe.” She glanced back over to the red head with a wink, before heading in the opposite direction.

Mackenzie tiptoed forward towards the rustling, and without much of a chance to get her phone up, she watched as Gourdon slipped out and started running back towards Elora, “Elora! It’s coming towards you!” Picking up her pace, Mackenzie moved forwards back towards the siren and hopefully Gourdon.

—

Babe? Had Elora’s old habit worked out in her favor? She’d worried that, if anything, it would have came on too strong too quickly. Not only was her date into her, but she was also down to chase cryptids in a corn field with her. If that wasn’t a match written in the stars, she didn’t know what was. She felt as though she was walking on air.

Soon, however, she had to come back to earth as she heard Mackenzie’s voice call out that Gourdon was headed her way. It was hard to get a decent view through the corn, and she was mostly navigating through her phone’s camera so she’d know when the creature came into frame. Finally, she heard the rustling and ran full speed towards where it was coming from, trying to cut the creature off.

Suddenly, the full force of a grown adult landed on top of her, and she felt all the air leave her body as she hit the ground. Instead of a mischievous corn gremlin, it was her date for the evening. While she normally would have been upset that their prey had escaped them, feeling the warmth and closeness of her laying on top of her was extremely comforting and exciting. All she could do was look into the other woman’s eyes, unsure of what to do next.

—

Mackenzie was determined to get a picture of this thing. If not for herself, then at least for Elora. The night had definitely taken an unexpected turn, but that was par for the course in Wicked’s Rest. At least it wasn’t a fucking giant ass spider. She hated spiders, especially huge ones that made you feel way too much when they stuck their fangs into your stomach. This little cryptid was a far better thing to try and catch.

However, it was the brief glance down at her phone that had caused Mackenzie to falter, and before long, she was stumbling forwards and into another form; Elora’s form.

As they both hit the ground with a thud, Mackenzie’s phone went flying and so did her pride. She had been so embarrassed, but as she looked down at the woman she was currently laying on top of, all anxiousness faded away. Moving a cold hand upwards, she gently moved some strands of red hair out of Elora’s face, before she slowly leaned in and laid a soft kiss on her lips. One that didn’t linger too long, but was just right. The perfect movie kiss, but one that was real and held more passion than kissing her co-stars. A kiss filled with genuine love and want.

—

When Elora felt the woman’s hands on her face, she felt a comforting warmth build within her in spite of the icy cold temperature of the woman’s hands. It was like a scene out of a movie. And true to the script, the pair shared a loving kiss. Only the butterflies and fireworks portrayed in the movies didn’t even come close to doing this sensation justice. This was something else entirely. Something she had never felt before. No boy in her past had ever kissed her the way that the one and only Mackenzie Ross had just kissed her. And she never wanted to be kissed by anyone else again.

Breathless, she just laid there and looked into Mackenzie’s eyes. Finally, she took a shaky breath and cleared her throat.

“I, uh, think we lost him. Not that I mind, at all. That was…wow. Incredible” This time she reached her head up to give her date another kiss, this one just as magical as the previous one had been.

She could feel herself blushing. While she had done a good job of maintaining her composure through the night, all of that had now gone out the window. While she wasn’t expecting things to progress so quickly, it still felt so natural. And so right. Like they were meant to slam into each other in this cornfield the whole time.

“Not that I mind laying here with you, because I don’t at all. But we should probably make our way out of this maze before people forget we’re in here”.

—

Mackenzie couldn’t help but stare back into Elora’s inviting eyes. Everything about this moment had been perfect. So much so that the thoughts of guilt, shame, and even, for the first time in a while, grief, had left her. She just wanted to stay in this moment forever. Just her and her date while it felt like time stood still and nothing else mattered, “Yeah…” Mackenzie’s voice was airy, “I think we did.”

The second kiss, soft and sweet, had left Mackenzie longing for more. She was breathless, both literally and figuratively. But her body seemed to appear different with the rise and fall of her chest from excitement by the entire situation.

This moment far surpassed what the past several months had brought. Not only had Elora saved her, but she had also given her a reason to feel whole again. Tomorrow might be another story, but tonight she was going to enjoy every lingering minute of it.

“I think you’re right. I don’t think I want to end a perfect night by being eaten by a giant pumpkin, because you know it’s probably possible.” She laughed softly as she rolled off her date and found her way back to her feet, helping Elora up in the process. Finding their way out hadn’t been as hard as Mackenzie had thought it would be, especially since she was currently on Cloud 9, but she did make sure to let her hand meet Elora’s and walked as slowly as she possibly could to make the night last. But this was only the start of something special, and she was looking forward to every upcoming moment and the possibility of more unexpected kisses in cornfields, the rain, and any other obstacles Wicked’s Rest threw in their way.

#para: a corny first date #para: elora #contemporarybardess #{a new beginning; plot}#murder mention tw #grief mention tw #wickedswriting

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blackbird-brewster · 1 year

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Hhnnnggg yeah I'm going to say some initial fan suspicions about the 16x04 ending are going to be correct.

Cw: Terminal illness, potential parent death

--------------------------------------------------

So I've seen lots of discussions about what's going to happen with Will after the bombshell in 16x04. And this newest interview with AJ really leads me to believe they really are just going to have JJ/Will mirror AJ/Nate's real life experience.

My character, JJ, is a mom and she’s exhausted. Erica has always been really good at writing true to life. We like to do that as much as we can. Case in point, I have two kids, and we’ve written that into the show. I think what makes our show special is that we do like to mirror our own lives, so that it’s all very personal. That comes across in the performances, so it’s genuine.

This year, I directed again, and with this episode, I had to direct both of my children. I thought I might be a complete crazy person for signing up to do that, but it ended up being such a really cool experience. I kept having all these pinch-me moments on the day that we were shooting at J.J.’s house. What a unique and beautiful opportunity that I’ve been given here. I’m not only acting with my kids, but I’m directing them.

This year [directing] was a little more challenging, in that there’s a pretty strong J.J. storyline in the episode that I directed. I hadn’t had to act and direct, at the same time, that much before, so that was a bit of a challenge. But you surround yourself with really good people around the monitor, and you’re like, “Did that work? I don’t know. I can’t watch it.” It takes a village. It was definitely a little more challenging this time around, just because I had to wear multiple hats and still make the day.

Based on the above, I suspect that they had her direct the episode where JJ/Will tell the boys that Will is sick. I think since AJ and Nate have been through this in real life with the kids, it would make sense that AJ would want to be able to direct her sons for the fictional mirror of those events (even though I still think this is really fucked up to put them through?!!)

(When asked about JJ & Will) :

The divorce rate for people in this line of work is very high. The fact that this family is still standing and trying to get through the day is pretty impressive. Anytime we can dive a little deeper into the minds of our heroes, that’s what makes it fuller. They become more relatable. They’ve written in some really great personal storylines for all of us, so it’s a lot to play with. The cool thing about JJ this season isn’t a new story for her, but she’s always been able to juggle work and family life. What I think is really unique about this year is that they’re evolving, as a couple and a family. Her oldest isn’t a kid anymore and he’s starting to see things and hear things that they would normally be able to protect him from. Now, they’re trying to figure out how to parent a teenager. This is new for them. They’ve never had to do this. That’s very similar to my life too. It mirrors a lot that’s going on in my life. As an actor, it’s been really lovely to get to really dive into that.

I just really hate it. Genuinely fully hate this storyline already. And I don't even like Will. I just really hate trauma porn. I'm chronically ill and disabled and I know people who are disabled and have lost loved ones to terminal illness and I just DESPISE using it as a plot device. I really fucking do. Media so often portrays things in such a sanitised way so the viewer usually takes away bullshit like 'disabled/sick people' are so brave. Or the make it all seem 'easy' because media has a time limit. Illness isn't easy. It's not. And I just really know this show (that LOVES using unnecessary trauma as 'character growth') is going to be absolutely horrible with this plotline.

I have not been impressed with the reboot in general. The entire overall plot of the serial killer network is really ridiculous. And they kept teasing fans with how much we're going to get to see of our fave characters' personal lives... But apparently that just means they're focusing on JJ/Will with an unnecessary trauma plot.

I'm so tired of shit like this. Especially on a show who has done this type thing for 17 fucking years. You'd think they'd at least try to be original

#criminal minds #jennifer jareau #Cm evolution #cm spoilers #cm commentary #JJ's husband #tw: terminal illness #tw: cancer #tw: ableism

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djino04 · 1 year

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OmegaVerse - Contact Day

POV Saul

Things are getting better and better between Andreas and me. We are far from getting back to our past relationship and unfortunately I don't think we ever will. Too much has happened, too many betrayals on both sides to make it work. Well, to be honest, finally the betrayals are only on my side since it was under Rosalind's control. But in any case, I'm still glad to see that things are getting better.

I'm also glad to be able to train with him again. It's nice to teach students but unfortunately most of them are not a real challenge for me and I rarely fight against them. But with Andreas, I feel like I have to push myself to win and I missed that. Well, it took several sessions before I was no longer afraid of killing him with each blow, now it's better even if I had some scares.

What I didn't miss was his overprotection. He always has been overprotective but I feel like it's much worse since he found out I'm an omega. I hate knowing that he thinks I'm weak or whatever. I haven't changed, I'm still the same man I was before the revelation and yet he's changed his view of me. Just because I need regular contact with an alpha, doesn't mean I need to be watched 24 hours a day by a babysitter, but obviously he didn't get the memo. The next time he tells me to put on a sweater, I'm stabbing him, and this time for real.

But today isn't a training day for us, it's "contact day" as I've started calling it in my head. And that's why we're both sitting on his couch, with a safe distance between us. Before Aster Dell, I would have been lying with my head in his lap or we would have had more contact than his hand on my wrist. But I'm not going to complain, he doesn't have to do that. He could have very well left me to fend for myself with the medication or even prevented me from getting it and not offered any alternatives. So even though my omega is dying for more, I repress my needs and keep my distance.

On the other hand, unlike the first few times, now we can talk a little more easily and about something other than classes. Despite this, I am surprised when Andreas asks me:

"Do you think Sky will eventually forgive me?"

I think for a few seconds before answering him:

"He only got my side of the story on Aster Dell and a wrong side at that. I think when you're able to tell him the truth, things will settle down. It won't be right away, he'll need time to digest and process everything in his head but it will come gradually. I'm sorry to tell you, but right now he thinks you're a psychopath who let a whole village be decimated and that on top of that, you abandoned him and replaced him with Beatrix. You have to admit that this is not an ideal start to a relationship. And despite that, things have already started to improve, right? You spent the day with him on his birthday and he didn't seem unhappy."

I don't ask what they did that day because I'd rather not know. Knowing Andreas, chances are it was illegal. Besides, if I knew what they had done, it would immediately become more concrete and I'm not ready for that yet. I raised Sky for 16 years and I have a hard time sharing him, even if it is with his father.

Luckily for me, Andreas isn't a mind fairy, so he continues as if nothing happened:

"Yeah sure but he's confused about my behavior but I can't blame him. I can't be with him as I am with Beatrix. Already, Rosalind wasn't too happy about our little car escapade the other day, I can't do anything more without arousing his suspicions."

I pat the hand that's resting on my wrist:

"Sky's a smart boy, he'll figure it out when he has more cards in his hand. And anyway, we're going to have to start seriously thinking about a plan before some fairies take matters into their own hands. No matter what our plan is, we'll need the support of some of the students and your son is one of them. You can tell him everything then. And then look, he's started to forgive me even though I'm guilty of the crimes he accuses me of, so there's no reason why it can't go well with you."

"You're right Saul."

I have a big doubt about whether or not he actually believes me. A big part of me thinks he just wants to cut the conversation short. As if to prove it to me, he removes his hand from my wrist. I feel the loss almost immediately but I don't show it.

He stands up and tells me:

"Come on, it's bedtime for both of us."

Then he grabs one of his sweatshirts lying on a chair:

"Here, put this on before you go out into the halls."

He's lucky Rosalind doesn't want me to have a dagger on me...

#saul silva #andreas of eraklyon #fate the winx saga #fate winx saga #ftws #fic #omegaverse

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someoneimsure · 1 year

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Hello.. I dunno where to start with this but I need some advice if you’re willing to give it. When I just joined the site around a year ago, I had nooo clue about internet safety or warning signs or even what an anti or a pro shipper was. I barely knew how tumblr worked basically. I had always identified as asexual after hearing its definition from a friend a few years ago, so I didn’t know that would be a problem on the internet, either (spoiler alert: it was) basically when I was very new to both tumblr and the whole fandom experience I kind of accidentally fell into a really, reallyyyy bad, toxic subsection of fans because those were the blogs recommended to me by tumblr 😭 none of them identified them as antis (didn’t know what that was) but said if you were proship not to follow them, which I also didn’t know what that was, so I just followed them anyway. When I had like ~35 followers some biggish account follows me back and starts acting veryyyy buddy-buddy. Sliding into messages, trying to pressure me for personal information like my name, age, and selfie. I said a fake name and my real age but refused a selfie because of internet safety and made me feel guilty for it.. they also reblogged a bunch of reblog bait CONSTANTLY like ‘what color are your eyes?’ ‘What hair texture are you?’ ‘What’s your skin color?’ And tagged me in it. I was dumb and participated in it but now I feel sick that they were manipulatively trying to figure out what I looked like. They also tagged me in several little ask games where you also tag your other mutuals at the end of it, that will be important later. Basically, they literally OUT OF THE BLUE went on several long, longggg, vitriolic rants about how much they absolutely despised asexual people, how we are single handedly oppressing gay people and trying to ban gay sex, how we want to be oppressed so badly, how straight we ‘basically’ are, how much asexual headcanons annoyed and disgusted them in fandom, etc. mind you, I had my sexuality in my bio at the time. I was very meek and naive (this was only a year ago lmao how times change) and decided to respond to the rants in the morning about how they made me feel. Went to bed, woke up, found out I had been softblocked on the false assumption that I was a dirty hidden proshipper because I had reblogged from someone with a username like antis solve nothing or something idk, again didn’t know what that was but actually was following them for their niche fandom meta, I learned later what the whole fandom shipping stuff was and don’t feel one way or another about it but am starting to think it was just an excuse to softblock me since she knew I was asexual lmao. Also how do I know she softblocked me for this? She made a post about it and called me a cockroach which… wow, where have I heard that one before… (I’m Jewish btw so if I’ve become accustomed to being compared to a bug) But this is all just backdrop. I blocked them and moved on with my life because tbh I don’t really give a fuck one way or another, but I started to receive death threats periodically from makeshift side blogs, occasionally from anonymous as well. They always say the same thing and I only get them once in a great while, so just going off that, there’s no way I’d be able to find out who actually sent them… except that the death threats also targeted my mutuals. Specifically, the mutuals who I tagged in the little ask games I was asked to participate in by the toxic mutual. So that’s why I think it’s them, and it’s honestly scary how far they’ve gone to circumvent my various blocks (I must’ve blocked them like 11 different times now) and ig. I dunno what to do. Or even if it is actually them. But I have a strong suspicion it is. What do you think?

I am so sorry you experienced that anon! I agree with your suspicion. This is very typical anti behavior. You’ve accidentally become their hyperfixation, and now they are stalking you.

There are ways to solve this problem without deleting your blog, but your friends might have to change their urls so they are no long being linked back to the ask game. (I assume the stalker in this scenario has reblogged the ask game already. Unfortunately, your solution is going to be complicated because changing your url will not prevent them from finding you.)

For all of your friends, I recommend blocking the stalker, changing your urls, and then all of you doing this:

Turn off anon. You can do this from the app and from the web browser. In the latter, it’s located under Edit Appearance.

Turn on invisibility. This is located in the web browser version under Edit Appearance at the way bottom.

Wait a month before switching back.

This is the bare minimum measure to prevent and avoid being harassed on tumblr. It is not foolproof, but it will force the cowards to think twice before harassing you. If they continue to harass you, they won’t be on anon when they do it and it will give you more credibility when you report them to tumblr for spam and harassment. (Though I don't believe I have ever seen the staff do anything about it... hellsite <3.)

There is a more complicated way to solve this problem, but it’s a headache. It involves deleting your blog.

If the above doesn't stop them from harassing you, or worse they come back to harassing you after a month, you may have to delete your blog. I would need to do a little more research before I can say how to do so without losing your url. Some sources say you can't use your url after 24 hours of changing or deleting a blog, but that has not been my experience with switching accounts. As far as I know, you will have to be very vigilant and fast to grab your url again. I am hoping to find some way to avoid that though.

Fortunately, tumblr has an export/import ability on the web browser so at least your posts can be saved and recovered. The same cannot be said for followers, following, and liked posts, so if you must take this option you will need to at least save the names of all your mutuals so you can follow them when your blog is up again.

#asks #anon #i am avoiding certain tags because i know the kind of people who lurk in them #i will also be disabling reblogs for this post for the same reason #if you need this information in the future please save a link or take a screenshot #thank you for the ask! and stay safe!

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mugunghwc · 11 months

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unprompted ask / always accepting

@badheart said: If only he could have helped her a little bit further, but she was generally the type, who wished that ovther's could basically read her mind on what she wanted, especially since it should be very obvious in this case. Fine, fine... at least she was quite close now. "Uh... opponents?" Though, that did not make sense in their case, considering their different type of jobs. Or did he possibly mean something more positive than negative. Fang could only stare, and whenever she looked at him, she understood only more why women were possibly falling for him. "Ah, who wouldn't?" He sure could be somewhat charming in private, and her stepfather sure enjoyed to spend some time with his friends or whoever they had been. He certainly seemed like the social type to her.

"Knowing him, I'm sure he likes you." Which sure was odd to say, and there was a hint of jealousy as she pouted for a moment. "I mean, likes you enough to miss you..." Looking a bit troubled. That look sure was gone, the moment he decided to unbutton his shirt, making her immediately stare at the sight, he offered. Even if not all the way, it was more than enough. "I've never seen someone so muscular," she admitted quietly and was truly fascinated at the sight, that she had to reach out again, even blushing now as her fingers wandered over his abs. There was something forbidden about it, and she was not sure why, but perhaps, because he was not really interested in her, thus it was her invading a guy's space for once. "I want to kiss them..." she admitted, even though it was not what she had initially wanted or planned. At this point, she was not sure anymore, probably because she never expected to end up here with him anyway. "You are..." Swallowing quietly, before licking her dry lips, looking only more and more shy. "Very handsome, okay?!" she huffed and looked more ashamed than ever for simply complimenting someone for once. Compliments he probably received plenty.

her second guess brought a surprised look upon his features, but only because it felt like such an odd thing to say. under what context, would someone make the assumption that two people were rivals? especially when she seemed unaware of his doings—deemed as ‘ not so dangerous ‘ just because he didn’t come across that way on the surface. it made him wonder just how much she knew about both. she sounded so sure over her assessments regarding her father, that han had difficulty seeing whether she was being fallacious, or had her reason to believe that. was he that careless to spark suspicion from his own daughter?

“—but how well do you know him?” there was the real question. how well, that she’d even say all these things about him in such a casual way. her wording sure made it sound like she wasn’t entirely clueless, but there was still something innocent in the way she spoke, almost as if filling the blanks over something that wasn’t there, but she wished there was. did she want her father to miss him? “you think he misses me?” he sounded more incredulous this time ; nearly snorting since that was such a tame way of putting. innocuous of how depraved her father could be. he didn’t miss him. he just missed the thrill that came with the sex. the struggle for power & the domination that naturally followed.

his pride was made evident when he leaned back, resting on his elbows & allowing her to touch if she dared. his muscles were pronounced upon flexing, but even if they weren’t, the low fat percentage that his body had, made his abdominals stand out. the result of plenty of care & hard work put into his body. “you already stole one from my lips, so i don’t see what stops you at this point.” pointing out just how shy she had become—enthralled by his physique like any other woman would. did she really struggle to say something that he heard plenty? in that sense, she could be somewhat cute. “thank you.” & he meant it ; spoken in a soft voice. his half-lidded stare giving the impression of something mischievous, along with that smirk he wore. “you can be cute when you aren’t angry... or act too demanding.”

#badheart #.ic / locked & loaded finding your target #.ask / never have any regrets after the game #verse 01. theory of beauty / main

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katyasrussianaccent · 3 years

Text

i don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips (corpse x reader)

Summary: Corpse suggests you flirt with each other to mess with the fans. What happens when you suddenly catch feelings?

Authors Note: This has been in my brain for so long so I decided to write it. May or may not write a part 2, im not sure. Lemme know what you think! My requests are open for fic/headcannons aswell 💖

It should have been simple.

Flirt, mess with the fans a little, sit back and relax.

It should have been simple.

You remember Corpse coming to you with the idea.

“Why would we do that?” you had asked, frowning at your phone screen. It had been another late night phone conversation with him; something that was starting to become a regular occurrence.

You pictured him shrug as he answered. “Fun?”

“Are you so bored you wanna make a fake relationship with me?”

“Not a relationship. Just do what we do now, but like, more.”

You had agreed before your brain had even registered it. On paper it was straightforward. You already flirted a little anyway, you were naturally a flirtatious person, and so was he. It made sense; or at least you had told yourself that it did. You knew the fans already shipped you together, you saw the things they tweeted as you occasionally lurked the ynhusband tag on Twitter. It was just innocent fun right? No-one was going to get hurt.

For a little while that was true. For a little while he called you baby and you called him darling and it meant nothing. Your face didn’t feel flush when he commented on your latest Instagram post and your heart didn’t do a little flip when he would call you just to see how you were. The phone conversations were your favourite; curled up in bed with the phone on your pillow, trading secrets into the night. He had suddenly become this constant in your life, this almost routine familiarity like brushing your teeth or going to get milk.

You weren’t sure what changed, when it had gone from being innocent fun to meaning something. It was like someone had flicked a switch, and Corpse was no longer a warm glow but this bright, blinding light that hurt your eyes to look at too long. It was almost cruel, the way you wanted something so unobtainable; the universe’s idea of a joke had no humour in it. The thing with Corpse was he was so unaware of the power he had. He was mysterious yes, but he was faceless among a sea of faces; of course people were drawn to him. And you were just another.

You started to pull away. You played different games with different people, you ignored his tweets. It was easier, if you never interacted with him, you could pretend there was nothing but shallow feelings instead of the crashing waves that threatened to pull you under. The fans had started to notice; your streams were filled with questions that you refused to answer.

“Where’s Corpse?” you read aloud as you scrolled down the chat. “Probably in his house? Go ask him.” Your tone was bitter even to you and you inwardly cringed. He hadn’t contacted you in 2 weeks, and while you were thankful, you were hurt by it. It was stupid and hypoctritical of you to be upset by something that was your own doing, and you weren’t sure what you had expected from him. He had other friends, other people to talk to, why would he have cared about you anyway?

Your phone lit up next to you, and you ignored the pang of disappointment at Rae’s picture flashing up.

Rae: Among Us???

You hesitated for a second. The likelihood of Corpse being there was high, but you knew deep down he wouldn’t say a thing to you, not on stream or in front of your friends. You could just ignore him, like you had been doing and it would be fine. You weren’t sure you believed yourself anymore.

“Guys, you want to watch me play Among Us? I’m not sure who’s playing, other than Rae.” You looked at the fast flowing stream of affirmatives and emojis. Guess you had to do it now. You opened up the game and joined the lobby.

“-yeah she looks really fucking cute,” you heard Corpse say as you logged in. You looked down at your outfit,; he definitely wasn’t talking about you in your oversized t-shirt and sweatpants. You had been on stream for a few hours now; your eyeliner was smudged a little and any lipstick had worn off with the constant drinking and licking your lips. No, he definitely wasn’t talking about you.

“Hey guys,” you said tentatively, swallowing down the feeling of jealousy at Corpse’s previous words.

A chorus of greetings hit you, and you smiled at their enthusiasm. You had played with Rae, Sykunno and Toast a few times before, but Felix, Jack and Ash were new to you, though you knew of them.

“Hey Y/N,” Corpse said. You had hoped after 2 weeks he wouldn’t still affect you so much, but the way your stomach turned said otherwise.

“Hey Corpse,” you replied, hoping your tone was casual.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, how are you?” he asked.

“Oh. Uh yeah, I’ve been a bit busy I guess, how are you?” You looked down as you answered, picking at your nail polish. You glanced at the chat that was filled with messages.

corpsesbaby: You can always tell when someones lying coz they look down” llamadelrey: why is this so awkward lmao arent they friends??” simpsforrae: This is like is a breakup i swear

“I’ve been okay, thanks” Corpse answered, drawing your eyes off the chat and back to the game. You nodded as you muted your mic to go back to your stream.

“I hope I don’t get imposter, I always suck at that so much.” You watched as the screen counted down and the word IMPOSTER flashed up alongside Corpse’s name. “Guess I jinxed it guys.”

Great. Not only were you imposter, you were imposter with Corpse, which meant you would have to actually speak to him. Maybe you wouldn’t have to.

You both followed Rae as she walked up towards Greenhouse, and you cornered her while she did her task, killing her quickly.

“Everyone seemed to go right, so we should vent back towards cafeteria to avoid suspicion,” Corpse said.

“Okay,” you answered. You vented together, and you muted your mic to laugh. “This is kinda cosy guys.” You said to your chat. You briefly imagined what it would be like in real life to be so close to him.

You moved to Admin where Toast was doing his task. Before you could say a word, Corpse had already killed him and you both vented outside Cafeteria. “Fuck, that was so close,” you muttered, chuckling a little.

“Don’t worry, I got your back,” he replied, making your heart sing a little.

“Oh my hero,” you said, making a point of swooning to your chat, your voice high and airy. “How will I ever repay you?”

He chuckled, “You shouldn’t ask questions like that.”

You flushed at the suggestive tone he had taken, and you hoped it wasn’t noticeable but judging by the comments in your chat, it clearly had been. This was another issue you had with Corpse; he always made these type of comments with you and it was really annoying. You knew there was no chance he was being serious, and sometimes you wished he would stop it purely because it got your hopes up.

delilah: shes BLUSHING dreamofme: uWu yn uWu

You opened your mouth to respond when Dead Body Reported flashed up, bringing your thoughts back to the game.

“Toast and Rae are dead,” Sykuuno said. “I found Rae in Greenhouse and Toast in admin.”

“I was in balcony, I went there from the cafeteria,” you said confidently. You hated being Imposter, especially being teamed with Corpse, who was so good at the game, you had a lot of pressure to do well.

“I was in MedBay, I didn’t see you YN,” Ash accused.

“You only see if they enter through the left door. She entered through the other door,” Corpse answered for you.

“And how do you know that?” Felix asked.

“I was in Cafeteria,” Corpse replied.

“You could’ve vented YN,” Jack said.

“No I couldn’t have, if Ash was in MedBay, she would have seen me. Unless she wasn’t in MedBay,” you suggested, smirking to your cam as you muted. “It’s not going too bad I don’t think? Always feel like I’ve been arrested when I’m Imposter.”

“Little sus of you Ash to say you were in MedBay when you weren’t,” Corpse said. You gaped a little at how easy it was for him to manipulate the situation, it was almost scary.

Ash argued as the other players began to agree and discuss among themselves. You smiled in success at the text on the screen.

Ash has been ejected.

You split up this time, and while you hadn’t really spoken during the game, you kind of missed Corpse’s astronaut next to yours, and you said that to your chat. “Haha, our colours did look cute together, I agree.”

Any previous trepidation you had had disappeared as soon as you had heard his voice; and you realised how much you had missed him. You would simply just need to deal with your feelings; they would go away eventually anyway. You just hoped it wasn’t too late for you to start again with him.

You walked to MedBay with Skyunno, making small talk as you did.

“I’m glad to see you playing with us, it’s been a little while,” he said and you felt bad that you would have to kill him. As you turned towards him, ready to kill as he did his task, Jack walked in. You mouthed oops at the cam.

“What’s going on here?” Jack asked, suspicion in his voice.

“I was just saying how nice it was to have YN here,” Sykunno replied. You stood and faked your task, watching the green bar fill as you did. It would be too risky to kill here.

“Ah yeah, Corpse has been asking after you constantly,” Jack said. You blinked at the response, it had caught you off guard.

“Oh?” you replied simply. You mentally shrugged it off. Of course he would have asked about you, you were friends, that was all.

DEAD BODY REPORTED

“Felix was dead in Reactor,” Corpse announced. “Oh Corpse, you’re taking a risk here” you said to your chat.

“I was in MedBay with Jack and Sykunno,” you replied, smiling as they agreed. “Where were you Ash?”

She sighed sadly. “I was in Labs, but I was doing a task, I swear!” You all agreed quickly that Ash would be the next voted out.

“2 to go,” you said triumphantly. “I thought I was gonna drag Corpse down, but it’s going okay!”

The round started again and you could feel yourself getting tired. Hopefully this wouldn’t be too much longer to finish the game.

You circled round Corpse a few times, hoping that he would understand your signal. Luckily he did, and you both vented to Decontamination where Skyunno and Jack were. The room had already started to emit steam, making it extremely easy for you both to vent unnoticed and kill them both.

You grinned at the Victory message that flashed up.

“Good game guys!” you said. The others congratulated you and Corpse on your win and you smiled at the sound of your names together. You had it bad.

“It was all YN,” Corpse said.

“Pfft you ssh being humble, it was all you,” you replied, taking your hair out of your ponytail and running your hand through it.

“Your hair looks nice,” Corpse commented and your eyes widened. Your heart started to beat a little quicker. How long had he been watching your stream?

“It’s bad to watch someone’s stream without telling them,” you replied, making a show of pouting for the camera.

He laughed a little. “What can I say, I’m a bad guy,” he said, singing the last words. You laughed at the sudden Billie Eilish.

“Guys, either play another game, or get a room,” Felix interrupted. You blushed a little and rolled your eyes, the chat going crazy from the corner of your eye.

“And that’s my cue to exit,” you said, yawning. “Bye guys, have a good night!” You wished everyone and your chat goodnight before closing the stream and leaning back in your chat. You couldn’t believe Corpse had been watching you. You hadn’t said anything too incriminating, but still.

You prepared for bed, settling back into the softness of your pillows as you grabbed your phone - a terrible habit you really needed to stop.

Corpse: Can I call you?

You gulped at the message that appeared on your screen, a gnawing feeling of nervous clung to your throat as you typed yes. His name came up almost instantaneously and your hand shook as you pressed to accept the call.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Hey, what’s up?” you asked, trying to keep your voice even while your heart beat erratically in your chest.

“It was nice playing with you again,” he commented.

You sat up a little as you held the phone against your ear. “Did you call me to tell me that?”

“I haven’t spoken to you in a while.”

You sighed a little. “Yeah, I’ve been a bit busy, sorry - “

“You’re lying to me and I don’t know why,” he replied. You had never heard his voice like that before; so angry and hurt. You tapped your foot against your mattress as you thought what to say.

“I -”

“Did I do something?” he asked. You had been so selfish; blocking him out to avoid being hurt, but you hadn’t thought about his feelings. He was more popular than you were, you had assumed he would be fine, that he wouldn’t care if you were around or not.

“No, you didn’t do anything, I swear -”

“Then what? Because I thought we were friends, close friends and then suddenly you pretty much disappear. But you’re still streaming with other people. It’s pretty shitty of you.”

You chewed the inside of your cheek and looked up, the sting of tears threatening to fall. “It was really shitty of me, I’m sorry.”

“What happened?” he asked. “Please just tell me.”

“I don’t know what I’m meant to say,” you replied softly.

“What do you want to say?”

You blinked, the anticipation of unspoken words caught in your throat, making it hard to swallow. The taste of them was bitter on your tongue. “I...I have feelings for you.”

There. You had said it. There was no taking it back now, and you felt like your heart was about to shatter with every single second of silence that passed. You could hear him swallow on the other end of the phone. “Are you saying you’re in love with me?”

You bit your lip, taking in the meaning of the question he had asked. It wasn’t something you had thought of, you hadn’t conceptualised your feelings for him, not put them in a box labelled love or anything. “I don’t know. I feel something for you. And it kinda sucks being your friend and having those feelings. So I pulled away.”

“Why does it suck?”

You laughed bitterly. “Why wouldn’t it? Feeling something for someone that doesn’t feel the same is fucking shitty.”

“I asked you to flirt with me YN -”

“Yeah, for fun,” you interrupted.

“No, I said for fun, but really I just wanted you to,” he replied. “I feel something for you too. How could I not? Has anything I’ve ever said to you sounded like it was just for fun?” You smiled at his response, your heart no longer on the fit of breaking, but suddenly doing flips and soaring through your chest, radiating warmth through your body.

“Oh,” you said, your brain was overloaded with thoughts, and was apparently no longer capable of coherent sentences.

“Oh? That’s a great response, thanks,” he teased, but you could tell he was smiling as he spoke.

“I wasn’t expecting you to say that, I don’t really know what to say honestly,” you replied.

“Well, baby, how about you say yes to a date?” he asked.

“Yes.”

#my fic #corpse husband #corpse husband x reader #corpse fic #corpse fanfiction #corpse husband fic #corpse fanfic #corpse imagine #corpse x you #corpse x fem reader #corpse x yn #corpse x reader

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sagurus · 3 years

Text

Regarding a Common Misconception of Hakuba Saguru

Lately I've been doing some reflecting on Saguru & the various ways I've seen him portrayed, as well as the ways I've portrayed him in the past. And then I was rereading some MK manga, and had some realizations. I've been feeling like rambling about them! So here I go, rambling.

[Disclaimer: I'm not personally taking issue with anyone's interpretation or impression of Saguru - just sharing my own impressions! This is just for fun <3 ]

Misconception: Saguru is constantly accusing Kaito of being KID

It’s a generally accepted fact in a lot of fics I’ve read (and honestly, maybe some fics I’ve written -- I used to hold this belief too!) that Saguru just unendingly insinuates that Kaito is KID--alone, in front of other people, always.

I won’t cite any here, but I’ve seen nods in fanwork to Aoko feeling a little stressed/frustrated about the fact that Saguru thinks Kaito is KID and makes it known. I’ve also seen fanwork where Saguru explicitly calls Kaito KID, presses Kaito for information, or otherwise makes his beliefs clear, even when others are around.

There are only five scenes in the Magic Kaito manga where Saguru makes direct indication toward his knowledge of KID’s identity.

First, of course, we’ve got chapter 17 - the first chapter where Saguru puts together that Kaito is KID.

For a long time, when I’d consumed more fic than MK canon, I recall an image born in my head of Saguru singling Kaito out in class and making the claim that Kaito is KID in front of everybody. I don’t know if I ever read any such allusion in a fic, or if it’s just an assumption I drew based on portrayals I read, but imagine my surprise when he does nothing of the sort.

Now, to be fair, Saguru is A LOT in this chapter. MK is still heavily in gag manga territory, so his behavior is extra extra played up. But if we take away the visuals, the dialogue between Saguru and Kaito can be summed up thusly:

[First scene where Saguru makes direct indications as to KID’s identity]

Kaito: You look so tired. Haven’t gotten enough sleep after chasing KID for three nights In a row, huh?

Saguru: Hmph. Aren’t you tired as well?

And then, a few beats later in the conversation:

Saguru: I’d like to invite you to the Ochima Art Museum tonight, where KID’s declared his next target. Kaito: Eh? Saguru: Then, you’ll understand why I’m so tired. Or, do you have other plans tonight? Kaito: Okay, I accept your invitation. It’ll be great to see your work in action!

And that’s it, that’s the big class confrontation. Aoko is present for it, but she’s more interested in joining in on the fun, and while I do think Aoko pieces together that Kaito is KID, she prefers to live in willful ignorance of it until it becomes impossible for her to ignore. She’s bright enough to pick up what Saguru’s implying, but because he never brings it past implication, there’s no reason for her to look at it too hard. Anyway, I digress. That’s conjecture and headcanon talking. My point is that Saguru never makes any explicit claims, just invites Kaito along to the heist.

Another neat thing about this scene is that--while certainly not motivated by mercy in this case, Saguru does give Kaito an out: “Or, do you have an excuse not to go tonight?” Of course, if Kaito took it, it would be rather damning, but I do think it would have been enough confirmation for Saguru. I don’t think there would have been any arm-twisting to get Kaito to agree.

But Kaito and Saguru are competitive bastards, so here we are.

Let’s move on to the heist!

Once again, the manga certainly plays up the whole ordeal. Saguru is intense and waiting for his moment, and Kaito’s being, well, Kaito.

At the heist, there are a few points where Saguru has opportunities to make allusions to Kaito being KID in a way others would pick up on, or otherwise make his suspicions known, but he doesn’t.

First of all, is this exchange:

Nakamori: Why are you guys here? Aoko: Hakuba-kun invited us! Nakamori: What’s the meaning of this, Hakuba-kun? Saguru: I thought she might like to see if KID is arrested tonight. Nakamori: You’ll fail if you’re too cocky! Saguru: We’re well-prepared. Besides, who knows… KID may already be here.

Saguru does imply KID could be present, but he makes no indication that he means Kaito. His next opportunity to hint at Kaito being KID or otherwise make accusations is when Nakamori asks him to consult as a magician.

Nakamori: Kaito, since you’re here, do you want to use your magic against KID? Kaito: [laughing sheepishly] Saguru: Oh, I want to see that fight, too. If you really can do it.

Needling, yes. Saguru knows what he’s saying and so does Kaito. Accusations, no. This is well within the realm of something Saguru would have said even if he didn’t suspect Kaito, considering their dynamic up until this point.

And then, the most explicit Saguru ever gets in terms of literally calling Kaito out as being KID, beginning when Kaito excuses himself to go to the bathroom right before the heist:

[Second scene where Saguru makes direct indications as to KID’s identity]

Saguru: [handcuffs himself to Kaito] Kaito: Huh? Saguru: I won’t let you do that, Kuroba. Kaito: What do you think you’re doing?! Saguru: I got the report back from the lab. The hair I got from KID indicated that he’s a high school student. After I compared KID’s data with other high school students’ data in the database… Kuroba Kaito came up in the final list. Kaito: That’s a coincidence. Saguru: Really? We’ll see soon enough. Let’s wait until the time KID is stated to come. [Some heist hubbub occurs as officers get into position even though KID hasn’t arrived at the heist time] Aoko: What? KID’s not coming? Saguru: Ha! It looks like I win! You’d better confess who you really are.

And from there, of course, ‘KID’ (Akako in disguise) swoops in and takes care of the heist. That more or less wraps up chapter 17, the first chapter where Saguru understands that Kaito is KID. And I would argue this is the most aggressive Saguru ever is. In fact, rather than persist in trying to accuse/capture/implicate Kaito as KID, he straight up vanishes from the narrative for several chapters.

Saguru doesn’t show up again until the Chat Noir heist, in chapter 25, when he calls from France.

It’s also important to note that at this point, Magic Kaito’s narrative has experienced a slight tonal shift. At the very least, while still often comedic, it reads less like a gag manga. Between the last time we saw Saguru and now, we’ve learned the apparent motivation behind Toichi’s murder, we’ve met Snake (an albeit rather incompetent villain) and Kaito has faced down gunfire and the danger posed by Snake and his men.

The way Saguru is portrayed has also shifted to reflect the shift too. Instead of a hulking antagonist-like character in a Holmes cosplay, he’s dressed primly and presents more as a cheeky but polite character. He’s also more effectively emulating the charm that the story tried to imply he had early on (“Hakuba Saguru, at your service!”, the girls in class fawning over him, the newspaper calling him out as a famous detective making a long-awaited return to Japan).

The interaction is entirely less antagonistic, too. For reference, I’ll paste the exchange (sans Saguru’s massive info dump) below.

[Third scene where Saguru makes direct indications as to KID’s identity]

[At the heist for the golden eye] Kaito: [Hiding in a bathroom stall while putting on a disguise] [His phone starts ringing] Hello…? Saguru: Hi, it’s been a while. Are you still alive? Kaito: [Thinking] This sugary yet obnoxious tone of voice is... Hakuba?! Saguru: You’ve made quite the stir in Paris. They’re all talking about how France’s Chat Noir is going to go up against you in Japan. Kaito: Idiot! It’s not me. It’s Kaitou KID! Saguru: Ha… it doesn’t really matter. I’ll share some information that I gathered over here. [Info dump cut from dialogue] Well! That’s about all I have to say. Do your best. I don’t want to see you lose to anyone until I capture you myself. Kaito: Like I’ve been saying, I’m not KID! Saguru: Oops, it’s almost time for the Paris Fashion Week. See you! Kaito: H-hey…

The only part of this conversation that I could consider to fall into the territory of antagonistic is when Saguru says “I don’t want to see you lose to anyone until I capture you myself.” And more than anything, I think this is less reflective of a real desire to capture Kaito, and more reflective of his competitive nature. Not to mention, within the context of the conversation, it feels much more like teasing than anything.

Saguru’s motivation for making the call is clear: He doesn’t want Kaito to lose, and he wants to help ensure Kaito’s success.

And most interestingly (although I’d like to see the raw manga to confirm this, or otherwise a more literal translation) he never explicitly calls Kaito KID either. Outside of alluding to KID’s actions, Saguru doesn’t explicitly say Kaito is KID or mention KID at all. It’s Kaito who does that.

When Kaito points out that he is not, in fact, KID, Saguru doesn’t argue. He simply brushes off the denial and shares the information he’s collected.

So, to summarize what we’ve covered so far: after Saguru failed to arrest Kaito during chapter 17, he stopped troubling Kaito so thoroughly that the next time he features in the story isn’t until he’s calling from overseas to try to lend Kaito some helpful information. He’s not even playing a part in trying to capture this thief he allegedly wants to catch.

And then, Saguru dips back out of the narrative, although for a shorter period this time. The next arc he appears in is a few chapters later--the Nightmare Heist which he arrives in the middle of. But, there’s not any interaction between him and Kaito, nor any allusions made by Saguru about KID’s identity, so we’ll move on.

The fourth time Saguru makes any indication that Kaito is KID is during the Corbeau arc, when KID is being challenged by a clad-in-black KID lookalike.

Before jumping into that specific scene, though, there’s another interaction I’d like to call attention to--between Saguru and Nakamori. Not because of something Saguru says, but because of what he doesn’t say.

Nakamori: Hahaha! Looks like you let your guard down because you thought I was at home with a cold! Saguru: Our plan succeeded, it seems. Nakamori: But I only told Aoko I had a cold, so how does KID know…? Saguru: Hm...

If Saguru were wanting to make some kind of accusation, even a non-explicit one, he would have made some remark. Instead, he doesn’t say anything at all, which continues to speak to the fact that he isn’t really interested in implicating Kaito.

Anyway, the next time Saguru makes any sort of implication that Kaito is KID he is, once again, trying to help. Last time it was over the phone, so the conversation was private. This time, the conversation is in a classroom, although based on the panels, it seems like Saguru and Kaito are alone at the beginning--or at least, no attention is being paid to them.

[Fourth scene where Saguru makes direct indications as to KID’s identity]

Kaito: [Talking to himself] It must be the case, there’s no other way. There must have been some trick with the case.

Saguru: [Eavesdropping, apparently alone in the room with him] The case didn’t contain any hidden mechanisms. Kaito: Eh? Saguru: No hidden doors or things like that, as are often used in magic tricks. Kaito: W-what on earth are you talking about? Saguru: A new notice from Corbeau arrived this morning. ‘I’ll come and take the real Midnight Crow tonight.’ My name is Hakuba--so I don’t want a ‘white’ person to lose to some ominous black crow. [From here, Akako and then Aoko jump into the conversation.]

Surely a classroom is a risky place to have a conversation about KID, but the nice thing is that Saguru--once again--doesn’t bring up KID at all beyond saying that he doesn’t want the ‘white[-clad] person’ to lose to the black crow. From the outside looking in, all he’s doing is sharing information about the case with Kaito. It may also seem unwarranted from that perspective, but not at all implicating.

Also, another thing I’d like to call attention to is that when Akako joins the conversation (and seemingly blindsides Saguru, as if he wasn’t expecting anyone else to join), Saguru stops talking. He continues to be quiet when Aoko chimes in, and he doesn’t have any relevant dialogue for the rest of the scene.

Once again, Saguru’s clearly motivated to share information in the interest of helping Kaito. He has to share with Kaito’s civilian identity, since he can’t exactly arrange a conversation with KID, and this is likely the easiest way for him to do it. He makes no accusations, and this time he doesn’t even imply he wants KID caught.

So--Saguru is a part of the narrative again, but since rejoining the narrative he seems less interested in actually catching KID and far more interested in helping Kaito. And no accusations or incriminating allusions have been made since chapter 17, before Saguru’s first hiatus from the story.

The final time Saguru nods to Kaito being KID is from the Sun Halo arc. This is probably the interaction that’s closest to what fanon tends to depict when it comes to Saguru making subtle accusations that Kaito is KID. And even then, I tend to take this arc with a grain of salt if only because it felt less like Gosho was trying to add to the story and more like he was just trying to make a Magic Kaito addition that hit various fan expectations while still being wildly disappointing, lmao.

[Fifth scene where Saguru makes direct indications as to KID’s identity]

Saguru: [approaching and commenting on Kaito’s motorcycle] I see, a Suzuki GSX 250R. Akako: Ah, Hakuba-kun… Saguru: You’ve shown me something interesting. Perhaps this might help the police tonight. And could it be that you’ve forgotten… that the only motorised bikes we’re allowed to ride to school are scooters? Kaito: Eh?! For real?!

Once again, Saguru doesn’t explicitly mention KID at all--and segues from his mention of the police to pointing out that Kaito is breaking the rules right now, actually, which helps blend this teasing comment into the conversation.

Yes, later in the chapter Saguru does show up with a team of motorcycle experts. But that also means there’s more disguise opportunities for KID and more factors to account for, thus complicating things for, well, everyone--not just KID.

Also, I tend to dismiss that as Gosho throwing in some comedy, and as less to do with Saguru’s character. Call it cherrypicking if you like :P

To recount--there are five times where Saguru implies Kaito is KID.

The first two are in chapter 17, when Saguru first puts it together, and it is during this chapter that he gets the most explicit about calling Kaito out as KID, as well as the most aggressively he behaves about it. And he backs off so hard after that doesn’t work, that we don’t see him for several chapters.

The next two times he implies Kaito is KID are both in order to help him. No aggression or accusations, just the sharing of information. Even when teasing or suggesting he’s interested in catching KID, he’s good-natured about it, and when he realizes there are potentially people witnessing the conversation, he stops participating.

The final time he implies Kaito is KID is a tiny comment about finding something Kaito has shown him ‘interesting’ and ‘helpful for the police’ before smoothing into gently teasing Kaito for bringing an illegal vehicle to school.

In conclusion, Saguru may start off apparently aggressive in part thanks to early Magic Kaito’s overall tone, but rather than persevering in trying to catch Kaito after cornering him in chapter 17, he actually seems to back off. Once he’s playing a part in the narrative again, when he interacts with Kaito it’s almost exclusively to help him. Yes, he is on the task force and participating at heists, but where it matters, he’s less interested in catching the thief and far more interested in those the thief is opposing (excluding the police force).

#hakuba saguru #saguru hakuba #dcmk #magic kaito #meta #nefrit talk

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zhongli-topper · 3 years

Note

Hi could you do scenarios for Childe & Zhongli’s fem s/o who’s insecure of herself for being a virgin?

a/n: thanks for the request, nonny! i wasn’t sure if you wanted to include sex scenes in this one, but I hope you still like it 💖

pairings: reader/childe, reader/zhongli

When the two of you first decide to become intimate, you aren’t quite sure how to tell your boyfriend that you’ve never had sex with anyone.

◈ Childe is surprised. A girl as gorgeous as you has never been with someone? No, it’s not a problem, but anyone you’ve ever taken an interest in has absolutely missed out. Well, good for him, he’ll have you all to himself.

Even as he goes on in that vein, you can’t help but feel a little insecure about your lack of experience. Childe isn’t being pushy about having sex with you, but he’s enthusiastic about it, and you’re growing more than a little nervous.

You can’t help but compare the difference. He’s been with a few people, but you’re the first person he’s serious about. It’s part of the reason he’s careful to take things at your pace, because he absolutely doesn’t want to fuck it up with you.

Even at this point in your relationship, you know how physically affectionate he is, and now, how he’s praising you for something you haven’t even done yet. He’s very handsy, even when you make out, and even (sometimes especially) in public. He’s not afraid to let the world know that you belong to each other.

If you’re feeling a little down about it, he catches on pretty quickly. He’s used to taking care of his siblings, and he’s good at comforting you and reassuring you.

“…They’ll never know what they’re missing,” he says, a smirk on his lips, “’cause you’re all mine.”

He’s holding you on his lap and nuzzling into your neck, trailing kisses down your jaw. You’re flattered, but also nervous—with your lack of experience, you don’t have any point of reference. Would you even be able to satisfy him?

He notices you’ve gone quiet. “Babe?” he asks, squeezing you lightly around the waist. “Talk to me. Is it bothering you?”

“…What is?” you ask, unwilling to admit that you were afraid of disappointing him.

“That you’ve never slept with anyone.”

When you look away, that confirms his suspicion. He lifts his head from your neck and presses his lips to your forehead.

“Baby, you know that doesn’t matter to me,” he says. “I’m serious about you.”

“I know,” you say, chewing on your bottom lip, “but still. I’ve… never done it before. I don’t know if I could… please you.”

He frowns at your words before shaking his head and looking you in the eye. “I love you,” he says. “No matter how much experience you have. Fuck, it even makes me happy that you’re willing for your first time to be with me.” He kisses you on the cheek, close to your lips. “As long as it’s with you, I know I’ll have fun.” The cocky tone creeps back into his voice as he looks you up and down, the want clear in his eyes, causing you to blush.

“Childe…” you protest, close to laughing under his affectionate caresses, and he does laugh, pulling you closer to him in his arms.

“Whatever you want, babe, I want it too,” he says, and kisses you on the lips, softly and quickly enough to tease and make you chase after him when he pulls away. The smirk returns to his face when you follow, and he whispers,

“But I want you so damn bad. You know that, right? Whenever you want… I’d just love to see what you look like naked in my bed, and know that nobody else is ever gonna see you that way too.”

◈ Zhongli knows that his long, long lifespan is cause for many uncertainties when it comes to having a relationship with a mortal like yourself.

Zhongli has never given you cause to be insecure. He’s always been gentle and loving to you, always mindful of your boundaries.

Despite how long-lived he is, he has relatively little experience. He’s a man that believes sex is for people who love each other, and as such has never involved himself in casual dalliances. The last person he had been with is Guizhong, a long time ago.

However, you haven’t been like that with anyone. Maybe you were interested in some people before, but it had never progressed that far. Zhongli would be your first, and you were worried you wouldn’t measure up, especially to someone like the Geo Archon.

It takes a long time before he brings up the idea of being physically intimate in such a way. Zhongli is patient and likes to take things slow, especially in romance. If possible, he’d like to marry you first before you have sex—such an act is sacred to him, and the depth of your commitment is important to him.

When the time comes that the both of you decide to go all the way, you can’t help but feel less than confident. You weren’t his first, and how could you, an inexperienced mortal, possibly measure up to a god?

“…”

Zhongli could tell that something was troubling you as you clenched your hands in your lap, looking down at them instead of him, when the subject of sexual experience came up. He had told you about his previous wife, and when it was your turn, you admitted to him that you had never been with anyone in a quiet voice.

He is, admittedly, a little unsure himself. He knows you must be uncomfortable with the enormous difference of life experience between the both of you, and some small part of him feels a little ashamed, of being so much older than you, afraid that maybe you would rather be with someone more equal to you, a younger man less time-worn than he. However, it’s hard for him to admit, and despite his misgivings he loves you, no matter your relationship history (or lack thereof).

“My love,” he tells you, gently twining your fingers with his own, “if it makes you uncomfortable, we need not do it. I will never force you to do anything you dislike.”

His eyes and voice are warm as he holds your hands, trying to let you see his sincerity. You look up and shake your head slowly.

“No, I want to do it… I guess I’m just worried,” you say. “I’m only human. How could I…”

He lifts a hand to cup your face and meet your eyes with his. There’s a gentle smile on his lips, but something sad in his gaze, and you furrow your brow, trying to figure out what it is.

“Do not worry about that, darling,” he says. “You could never disappoint me. I only wish that I could be more suited for you.”

“What do you mean, Zhongli?” you ask, genuinely confused.

“I often wonder if you would rather have someone… younger than me. More like yourself, not...”

You almost laugh when he mentioned his age, but the doubt in his eyes is real. You shake your head, seeing that your beloved Zhongli was, in his own way, anxious about it. “I love you Zhongli. Whether you’re a man or a god doesn’t matter to me.”

He smiles at you, touching the hand on his cheek with his own. “And I feel the same for you, my love. So, do not be nervous.” He pulls your hand away from his face, only to kiss your knuckles lightly, a perfect gentleman. “Whenever you are ready, I will be happy to have you.”

#childe x reader #zhongli x reader #childe #zhongli #tartaglia #tartaglia x reader #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin impact x reader

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jenohi · 3 years

Text

stranger

PAIRING ▸ Watanabe Haruto x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ pining, high school au, lacrosse au, I’m not really sure what genre this is lol

WARNINGS ▸ traumatic events?

SUMMARY ▸ When Haruto moves halfway around the world the last person he expects to see is you. His former nemesis...or so he thinks.

PLAYLIST ▸ Still Don’t Know My Name by Labyrinth

WORD COUNT ▸ 9626

UNIVERSE ▸ YG High; Treasure Lacrosse Team

A/N ▸ I’ve decided from here on out all my stories will probably fall within the same universe. I only really have like 4 universes in mind so I’ll label them just so you know. Also, I’m looking to add some art to my stories to bring them more to life but I am useless at graphics/edits, so! If you’re really into making graphics/edits and you enjoy my work please please PLEASE reach out to me!!! I would love to work with an amazing artist! <3 <3 Plz enjoy.

A/N 2 ▸ This story is like a lot of crossover with Jeongwoo’s story but I hope I was able to bring justice to Haruto’s character and bring his story to life. :P ok now enjoy for real realz.

You were the prettiest girl Haruto had ever known in his life. But to him, you were also his rival. You always managed to score just a few points higher than him on each exam, each quiz, each assignment. To him it always felt like the teachers liked you more, so he made sure your classmates liked him more. The thing that made him really mad was that you were so unbothered. You were ambivalent to him and you didn’t even know his name. If you really were strangers and never sat in the same class he could understand. But you had been in the same classes for years. Each time you spoke to him, you politely asked for his name. As if you were strangers.

When his parents told him that his family was going to move to another city, far enough that he would have to transfer schools, he had mixed feelings. This was his last chance to confront you. To understand why you’d never bothered to remember his name, but each time he approached you he found you furiously scribbling in a notebook. Although he resented you for not knowing his name, he could never get himself to disturb you when you looked so stressed scribbling whatever it was in your notebook.

What Haruto didn’t know is that you did notice him. You noticed the handsome, tall, skinny boy that was always in the corner of your line of sight. But you had no idea what to say to him. So you never approached him. He was a stranger.

Haruto wished he could forget you. He was a bit uncomfortable transferring to a new school at first but thankfully, three other boys had transferred with him. Asahi, Mashiho, and Yoshi had become literal brothers to him. The school also had a transfer students program and he made a new friend, Hanbyul. She was a chatterbox and sometimes she could literally chat his ear off, but she was also sweet and helpful. But she wasn’t you.

But that didn’t matter because Hanbyul had another guy on her mind all the time anyway. “You know we’ve just been friends for such a long time and lately, I’ve started to...I don’t know. I feel different. Nervous. Is it normal to feel nervous around your best friend?”

“I don’t know. Is it?” Haruto responded.

“No, I suppose it isn’t. But he probably doesn’t feel the same way. I doubt he’s ever even thought about me in that way.”

Haruto felt someone nudge him, he turned to see that it was Asahi. Haruto leaned over to hear what he was going to say. “Is she talking about Jaehyuk’s brother?”

Haruto nodded.

“Jaehyuk talks about his little brother and this chick all the time. She’s so off the mark. The little brother definitely has feelings for her if Jaehyuk is anywhere near the mark.” So both parties had feelings for one another but both parties were too chicken to say anything to each other. And for no good reason.

In a way that reminded Haruto of himself and it pissed him off. He knew that spending so much time with his new friend would raise suspicions but he didn’t care. He knew that spending so much time with her pissed Jeongwoo off. It didn’t take a genius to recognize it when they went to the Big Bang Concert together.

Haruto thought he was going crazy when he spotted you a few spaces over at the concert. He rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times to make sure it was really you. Haruto stormed over to you once he decided that it was in fact you. He had spent months thinking about what to say to you if he ever saw you again, he wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. Haruto didn’t even think to tell his new friends where he had gone.

You saw a tall, handsome figure approaching your direction. You took a second to check him out, but then turned back to the performers and continued to enjoy yourself. Your parents were reluctant to let you go out to this concert on your own but it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience that you wanted so badly. You smiled sadly at what might happen when you woke up tomorrow.

“I didn’t know you were a fan of Big Bang.” You heard a voice from behind speak into your ear. You jumped in surprise and turned around to see that it was the handsome stranger you saw sauntering your way earlier.

“Hi, what’s your name?” You asked with a polite smile on your face. This is probably exactly what your parents were worried about, creepy men that would try to approach you. You started to think about the best way to remove yourself from the situation safely. The now unamused expression on his face alarmed you.

“When are you gonna cut the shit. You know who I am.”

You looked at him puzzled. “I do? How? From where?”

Haruto felt something in his chest crack. “I used to go to school with you. You’re Y/N right?”

“Oh, yeah. That’s me.” You furiously racked your mind trying to remember what you had read but your memory came up blank. You couldn’t help but cringe and turn away. This is why you tried your best to keep to yourself and away from people. You looked up to see Haruto staring down at you with a curious expression. “I’m sorry I don’t remember you. You said you used to go to school with me? You don’t go to school with me anymore? Can I get your name again? I’m really sorry. I’ll try and remember.”

“My name is Haruto. I don’t go to school with you anymore. I transferred to a new school a few months ago.”

“Oh, I see.”

Haruto wasn’t sure how to feel when he realized you actually had zero recollection of him. For some reason seeing you up close and seeing you really trying to remember him made him feel a bit sympathetic. He couldn’t understand why. It still totally irked him that you didn’t know his name. But something told him to sit down with you and get to know you.

“Well, do you like your new school?” You asked, looking up at Haruto. Your heart was beating hard and fast. You prayed that your face wasn’t flushing.

“Why don’t we just enjoy the rest of the concert for now and we can grab a late night meal after the concert?” Haruto proposed. His own palms were sweaty and his heart was beating fast.

You thought about it for a second, then nodded and smiled. Haruto felt like the world had a glittery filter for a second. He’d always acknowledged that you were attractive, but up close smiling at him, you were drop dead gorgeous.

“Awesome.”

After the concert, the two of you walked side by side as you left the crowded venue. You noticed Haruto took a second to text someone on his phone. He caught you snooping and laughed as you turned away. “It’s fine. I was just letting the friends I came with know that I was gonna head out with you.”

“Oh, if you need to get back with them it’s fine.” You said, maybe hanging out with Haruto was a bad idea after all.

“Not a chance, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you. I’m honestly curious to know how you are and how things are back home.”

Your face flushed at his words. You couldn’t remember the last time you had spent time with a guy like this. Was this a date?

“Alright. Then what are you in the mood for?” You asked, pulling up a list of restaurants that were still open at this hour.

“What’s available now? What are you in the mood for right now?” Haruto looked over your shoulder at the menu as he asked.

“Um, what about McDonald’s? I’m not that picky and there’s not that much open right now.” you said.

Haruto stared at you with wide eyes, were you always this cool? So the two of you made your way to the closest McDonald’s and debated which was better, Coke or Sprite. To Haruto, Coca-Cola was non-negotiable.

“How is your new school?” You asked Haruto, munching on a few of your fries. “Do you like it?”

“What are you doing here?” Haruto interjected.

“What do you mean?”

“We’re not in Japan. This is far from home. Why are you in America?”

“Oh, I’m uh- I’m visiting family. I’ve actually transferred to a school around here for the time-being as well.” You jumped in surprise when Haruto shrieked.

“You’re here now? Like for good? Like you go to school here? Where?”

You giggled at the questions he rained down on you. The way he asked you with his cheeks full and eyes wide was rather endearing. “Yes I’m here now. I’m actually, uh, home schooled for the time being.”

“Oh, interesting. Why are you homeschooled? I remember you were always really good at school.” Haruto said before he shoved another chicken nugget into his mouth. The irritating thought that you were always better than him at school, just by a little popped up in his mind but he pushed it away. That didn’t matter anymore. He had your attention now.

You felt your face flush. Even with your condition it was true that you maintained your good grades. So Haruto must have actually known you back in Japan. You eyed him again, when he caught you staring at him you turned away. Haruto smirked.

“Enough about me. Tell me about your friends. You said you came with friends from your new school right?”

“Well I’d say one of them is actually who I’d consider a friend. The other one is a mutual friend. A childhood friend that has feelings for her.”

“Her?” it slipped out of your mouth. Haruto’s smirk reappeared and his eyebrow jumped up when he looked at you. You looked away, what was this funny feeling in your chest? It was weird.

“Our school had this transfer student program and she just happened to be assigned to me. She’s really cool, I’m not into her like that and she’s not really into me like that. She likes her friend.”

“How do you know?”

“She told me.”

“Oh. That feels like something important. Like a secret.”

“Well, I told her a secret as well.”

You stared at him. He didn’t indulge in the secret. Haruto was wholly focused on sipping the last of his Coca-Cola before putting it down on the table and letting out a sigh.

“Well so what’s going on with them now?” You asked.

“Hopefully, they both pull their heads out of their asses tonight. I gave them time alone so the best case scenario is that they just talk it out. The dude, Jeongwoo, I actually met him for the first time tonight and he’s a cool dude. It would be nice to have more dude friends around here.”

“You don’t have any guy friends?”

“I do. There are 3 other transfer students from Japan and they’re all dudes and I’m friends with them. Actually, Americans like to play this sport. Lacrosse? My friend told me to try out for the team and I think I might. Mashi, Asahi, and Yoshi agreed to try-out as well so it’ll be fun.”

You nodded, you had no idea what lacrosse was and you didn’t think you would be that interested to learn either. “I should get home.”

“Right of course.” Haruto said, getting up. “Where are you headed? Let me call you an Uber.”

“No, it’s okay. I can actually walk back home from here.”

“Oh really? Well, at least let me walk you back.”

You hesitated for a second. Would it be smart to show this guy where you lived? But then you shook it off, he seemed pretty harmless throughout the night and you trusted that he knew you from school in Japan. So you agreed.

“Do you have to be home-schooled?” Haruto asked.

“No, I don’t think so.” you answered.

“Would you be interested in attending school in person again?” Haruto could feel the devil on his shoulder kicking him. What was he doing? He had already gone to school with you before and the fact that you always did just a smidge better than him drove him nuts.

“Um, I haven’t really thought about it. Why?”

“You should consider transferring to my school?”

Your eyebrows shot up. “What?”

Haruto stepped back a bit and raised his hands. “It was just a suggestion. Honestly, I struggled a bit when I first came here. I can’t imagine how lonely it must be to be here and just be home-schooled so I figured it might be nice to have some sense of community.”

“Um, I’ll think about it.” You weren’t going to think about it. You looked up and breathed a sigh of relief when you saw the familiar apartment complex. “This is me. You don’t have to walk in with me. I’m gonna go now.”

“Wait.” Haruto said. You turned around to look at him, a thin smile on your face. “I, uh, I had fun.”

“Yeah, this was nice.” You said truthfully.

“We should do it again sometime.” Haruto said. You stared at him, he looked perfectly composed to you. But his heart was practically beating so hard he thought it might fall out of his chest.

“Honestly, I’m not so sure that’s a good idea.”

Haruto felt a heat and anger flare up in his chest. But he did his best to tamp it down and get it under control. This was literally the first time you had acknowledged his presence. He put a smile on his face. “Well, then maybe we’ll just run into each other again sometime.”

“Maybe, it’s all up to fate now. Good night Haruto.”

“Good night Y/N.”

The second you made it back into your room you pulled out your diary. You scribbled the notes you had logged into your phone throughout the day as quickly as possible. Briefly reliving each moment as you wrote them down. By the time you had gotten to the end of the list and began to recount the concert you could feel your eyelids getting heavier and heavier and your hands writing more and more frantically until suddenly, you crashed.

The next morning you woke up and read your notes. You squinted at the last thing you had written. Your handwriting became illegible near the end. ‘Haruto?’

The next morning Haruto woke up and smiled at the memory of you. Asahi and Mashiho eyed their roommate as he pranced around the living room and kitchen smiling and singing. But nothing could bring Haruto down. Well until he saw his friend looking depressed as hell.

“Dude what’s up?” Haruto asked. “Did you and Jeongwoo figure your shit out?”

“Uh, about that. Well, no.”

“No? What do you mean no?”

“Well what about you? Did you run into her?”

“Nuh uh, this isn’t about me. You literally had the perfect opportunity to make something of it. To make a moment! Did you guys have a moment?”

“Yes, I think we did. But I got scared. I don’t want to lose Jeongwoo as a friend, but at the same time I don’t think he has any feelings for me like that. I just, I think I need space. Maybe if I just distance myself from him a bit then I can get over my feelings and…”

“No offense, but that’s the stupidest thing I think I’ve ever heard in my life.”

“Well I don’t care if you think it’s stupid. This is my decision and my decision is that I don’t want to see Jeongwoo for awhile. Ok? I’m not ready for the conversation. So you better get used to seeing me more often!”

Haruto sighed as he watched his friend storm out of the room. He turned around and exchanged looks with Asahi. “Did I say something wrong?”

Asahi shrugged. “Honestly, I think you’re valid. I think her logic in avoiding Jeongwoo is pretty dumb. The dude’s in my gym class. Honestly, he’s chill. I don’t think he’d react badly to her if she confesses regardless of how he feels.”

“I should probably find her and apologize anyway.” Haruto said, exiting the room. Eventually he found his friend and they sat together in the cafeteria.

“Sorry about what I said earlier. I’ll admit it was kind of harsh. But honestly I can’t say I understand your logic at all.”

“It’s fine Haruto. You seemed extra happy when you walked in this morning. Who was the friend that you saw at the concert?”

“It was her. Y/N.”

“No way! Isn’t she in Japan?”

“That’s what I thought too. I was so shocked to see her.”

“What did you say to her? What did you guys talk about? Did she recognize you?”

“That’s the thing. The best part of it all was that I actually had her attention. You remember I told you about how she never acknowledged anybody right? She was always reading her notebook in the hallway. In the past when I spoke to her she never even knew my name! She had to ask me every single time. But this time, there’s no way she wouldn’t remember me!”

“Your relationship is weird. But I guess that’s sweet. What does she write about in her notebook?”

“I don’t know. Why does it matter? She knows my name now!”

“That’s another thing. You went to school together for years and she never remembered your name? Why?”

“I don’t know.” Haruto said. Now he was grouchy. All the questions that had been brought up to him were valid, but these weren’t things he wanted to think about.

A few weeks before the lacrosse tryouts in the spring Haruto went to the hospital to get a physical done.

Once he was done he stumbled into a small cafe right next to the hospital. When he saw who was manning the cash register he rubbed his eyes and looked away and looked back a few times to make sure he wasn’t being deluded. When he was confident that he wasn’t going crazy he stood up and walked over to the register.

You saw a tall, handsome, and skinny guy walk up to the cash register. You cleared your throat and stood up straight. “Hello, what can I get you?”

“Y/N! It’s fate. We ran into each other again!”

“Again?” You put a smile on your face and thought of a response. “Hey, it’s so good to see you! How have you been? What’ll you have?”

“Do you...remember my name?”

You felt your heart picking up speed and your palms beginning to sweat. But you kept your composure. “Of course, let me take your order and we can chat for a second.”

Haruto beamed. “Okay, then I’ll just have an Iced Americano.”

“Okay, that’ll be $3.30. The ice machine is in the back so I’ll be right out in a second. You rushed to the back of the cafe and pulled out your diary and flipped through the pages, reading the entries as quickly as possible. Out of the corner of your eye you noticed a torn piece of paper that had slipped out of your bag. You picked it up, it matched the paper in your diary. You flipped it over to see that it had a name written on it. Haruto.

Was that this guy’s name? Who was he to you? Darn it, why hadn’t you written more?

You quickly filled the cup with ice and walked out filling the cup with cold brew. You grabbed the marker and scribbled Haruto on it. You walked back over to the cash register. This guy’s eyes were practically glittering in anticipation. Was it normal for someone to get this excited over a coffee?

“I’ve got one iced americano for Haruto?” you said.

If his eyes were glittering before, they were practically flashing light strobe lights at a nightclub now. A matching beaming grin on his face. “Yes! Y/N it’s fate. We ran into each other again!”

“Right. Yeah, of course. What are the odds.”

“Do you have a minute?”

“Um, I’m working right now. I’d rather not get in trouble. Maybe another time?”

Haruto swiveled around, eying the cafe. “It looks pretty empty to me. I don’t think you’d get in trouble if you came out for a second just to keep me company.”

“Still…”

“Is your manager even here right now?”

“No.”

“Then come on. Just come out for a second.”

You looked around the cafe, cursing at how vacant it was. You tugged at your sleeves for a second before answering. “Fine.”

You followed Haruto out from behind the counter. He walked over to a table and pulled a seat out from underneath the table. He smiled as he waited for you to sit down. You walked over to the table and turned around. Haruto slid the chair underneath you as you moved to sit down. Once you were seated Haruto ran around to the other side of the table and sat down.

“How are you? How have you been?” Haruto asked.

You stared at the boy sitting in front of you. He was so handsome. “I’m doing well. How about you?”

“I’m good. I was in the area because I needed to go to the hospital.”

Your ears perked up. “Why were you at the hospital?”

“Why do you wanna know? Are you worried about me?”

You didn’t say anything. You just stared at Haruto. Haruto cleared his throat and looked away for a second. “I’m just playing with you. I went to get a physical.”

You nodded, tracing the patterns on the tablecloth.

“I needed one for lacrosse tryouts.”

“Lacrosse? What is that?” you asked. Haruto thought the way your nose scrunched in confusion was adorable.

“I told you about it last time! Remember? It’s this sport that Americans like to play. I had never heard of it in Japan either.”

You didn’t remember. “Right.”

Haruto couldn’t understand the dynamics of the conversation. He watched as you avoided eye contact with him and intensely focused on tracing the pattern of the table cloth. Then you would stare out the window of the cafe, it almost appeared as if your eyes were glazed over. “What are you always writing about in your notebook?”

Your head spun over to look at him so fast, you thought you might have gotten whiplash. “What?”

“Your notebook. I remember in school back in Japan I always saw you either writing things down in a notebook or reading the same notebook. What’s in it?”

“Um, nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Why? It can’t be that bad. I promise I won’t laugh no matter how embarrassing it might be.” Haruto said. Leaning forward over the table so that he was in your face.

“Forget it.” You said, leaning back and looking away. You glanced over at your bag that was perched far back behind the counter and breathed a sigh of relief. “Look. I gotta go. I’m supposed to be working right now. I think you should go now as well.”

You stood up from the table so quickly that the chair you were sitting on toppled over. You didn’t bother to turn around and pick it up. You walked back towards the counter without looking back.

Haruto watched you as you walked away. He narrowed his eyes when he saw you grab your bag and walk to the back of the cafe. There was only one thing on his mind as he walked out of the cafe. Your notebook. What was in the notebook?

You frantically flipped to today’s page in your notebook. In all caps with your boldest, darkest black marker you wrote at the top of your notebook. ‘Beware of Haruto. Tall, Handsome. Asked about notebook.’

Then you shut the notebook and exited the back room, breathing a sigh of relief when you noticed that the cafe was vacant once again. You walked over to the cafe table where you had previously sat and picked up the chair that had fallen over when you had left the conversation.

The next day at school Haruto was deep in thought. What could possibly be so important about a notebook? When Hanbyul shoved him, Haruto shrieked as he fell out of his chair. “Dude, what the hell is your problem?”

“What are you thinking about? You look like you’re thinking so hard that your brain might break.”

“Do you have an important notebook? Is that like something girls do?”

“You mean like a diary?”

Haruto snapped his fingers and looked up. “Yes! Exactly like one of those. Do you have one of those?”

“I did when I was younger. I don’t keep one anymore though. Why do you ask?”

“My friend. The one from home, Y/N? I think she has one. I asked her about it yesterday and she got all dodgy and weird.”

“Ah, well. Back when I did keep a diary it held all my dirtiest secrets. I don’t think I would want to share it with anybody or for anybody to know about it. Not even now, and as an elementary schooler I really don’t think I had any secrets worth keeping.”

“It was so weird. She got so defensive over it. I didn’t realize bringing it up would be such a touchy subject.”

Hanbyul shrugged. “Different things matter to different people. Are you ready for tryouts? They’re coming up soon aren’t they?”

Haruto nodded. “Asahi, Mashiho, Yoshi, and I have started going to that gym that you recommended. Lacrosse is actually pretty fun. Mashiho is the best though. Are you coming to tryouts?”

“Of course I am. I’m practically making you go so it’s only fair that I be there to see how you do. I reserve the right to totally make fun of you if you embarrass yourself though.”

Haruto rolled his eyes. “Yeah, whatever.”

Soon enough it was the first day of lacrosse tryouts. Haruto had frequented the cafe that you worked at in hopes of getting the chance to speak to you again. Unfortunately, what he didn’t know was that you had quit the job and diligently stayed home and studied.

Haruto was agitated at the thought of not being able to speak to you again. When he tried to sit down and rationalize it himself he couldn’t make sense of it. A year ago he despised you for not knowing his name. You know his name now, right? What more did he want from you?

“Haruto? Haruto! Hello? Are you even listening to me?”

Haruto turned to look at Hanbyul. “Honestly no, sorry. What’s up?”

“I feel bad for how I treated Jeongwoo. You were right, avoiding him was not the right thing to do. But why hasn’t he said anything to me?”

“Look I can’t tell you what’s going on between the two of you any better than you can. My assumption is that he’s a bit hurt and confused at the moment by how you’re acting and he doesn’t want to make things any worse than they are.”

“Can’t you say something to him?”

“Me?” Haruto looked up from his stick that he was re-taping. “What do you want me to say to him?”

“I don’t know. Just...just get him to react.”

Haruto scoffed. “If you want me to do that I can but again I feel like it’s not going to produce the results that you want. Like I think if I say anything things are gonna go really sour so I think you should think long and hard about this.”

“Haruto!”

“Look, I gotta go. Tryouts are starting.” Haruto said, turning away and walking onto the field. He didn’t miss the hard stare coming his way from Jeongwoo. Haruto ignored them and focused on his gameplay. Lacrosse had actually become really cathartic for him and he found that he really wanted to make the team.

Haruto noticed that the coaches seemed to be reacting favorably to how he was playing. He also realized that Jeongwoo was also really good but he played really aggressively, like he had something to lose. At the end of practice Haruto figured his hunches must have been correct because the coaches called him over to speak with him.

“I’m sure you know Varsity tryouts were this morning, all of your friends from Japan did great as did you and so we’re thinking about pulling you up to varsity. So tomorrow I want you to come early and try out with the varsity team, alright?”

Haruto beamed and nodded.

“Good work son.” The coach slapped Haruto on the shoulder. He did his best not to fall over. Thankfully the coach didn’t notice.

Haruto walked off the field and headed towards the school parking lot. Just as he pulled his phone out to call someone for a ride home his phone pinged, he tapped on the notification to see that it was a message from Mashiho.

Mashiho: Haruto have JV tryouts ended?

Haruto: Yes, I just finished

Mashiho: Cool. Have you found a ride home yet?

Haruto: No, do you know anyone who can come get me?

Mashiho: Ya, a lot of the guys on varsity can drive. Junkyu is over now but he offered to come pick you up.

Haruto: Junkyu?

Mashiho: He’s trying out for the varsity team. He’s cool. Kinda goofy but cool. I’ll come by with him.

Haruto: Alright, thanks dude.

Mashiho: Np.

Haruto checked the time on his phone before putting it back into his pocket. 6 P.M. Would you be at the cafe? The last few times he had gone by he hadn’t seen you. He put the thought away when a car appeared in front of him. The window rolled down and Mashiho cheered when he saw Haruto. “Get in the car! You smell!”

“Shut up and unlock the door Mashi.” The car door clicked open and Haruto hopped into the backseat. There was a large dude sitting in the driver’s seat who kept fidgeting with a bunch of random controls.

The guy turned around with a giant grin on his face. “Hello! I’m Junkyu. You must be Haruto! Nice to meet you!”

Haruto bowed. “Hello. Yes, I am Haruto. Nice to meet you as well.”

“Ruto! How were tryouts?”

“They were really good. Coach pulled me over at the end of tryouts and told me to come early tomorrow morning and try out with the varsity team.”

“Damn! You must be so good!” Junkyu said from the driver’s seat. Haruto tried not to be concerned by the way Junkyu was driving. His head kept swiveling from left to right. “Did you guys play sports back in Japan? All of you were insane at tryouts today!”

“We all played football. I think Mashi and Yoshi played basketball as well.”

“Football? Do you mean football football or soccer football?”

“Eh?”

“Do you kick a ball or do you carry a ball?”

“You kick it. Duh. Why would you carry a ball? That’s just dumb.”

“Americans call a totally different sport football. Don’t worry about it too much. But it’s awesome that you guys are so good.”

“Well to be fair, we were told about that Lacrosse Club and we had a few training sessions every week leading up to try outs.” Mashiho said.

“Ahh! How’d you hear about that? A few of us have been playing on their club teams for a while.”

“My friend told me about it. She’s the person responsible for me in the foreign exchange students program. Hanbyul?”

“Oh! I know who you’re talking about. Her brother was a legend at this school. He was a top recruit since his sophomore year here. But right before the most important game of his senior year he tested positive on a drug test and he couldn’t play. It totally turned him, his team, and the school around. He got dropped by the college that was recruiting him. But I heard he struck a deal with a pro-team and I guess he’s been training with them. The dude was in a league of his own.”

“Damn. That’s insane.”

“Yeah, our school takes lacrosse pretty seriously. The best players at our school get recruited to some of the best schools so it’s a great opportunity.”

Haruto knew there were probably more important things to be thinking about in this conversation but he couldn’t help but wonder if he could get you to come to one of his games.

The second day of tryouts Haruto was absolutely on fire. His shorts were shart, his passes were quick, and his steps were light. The varsity team was definitely of a different caliber but Haruto found the challenge fun. It was nice to be able to play with the rest of the Japanese boys as well.

At the end of varsity tryouts the coach pulled him over, “you were great out there today. How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling alright coach.”

“Up for a few more hours?”

Haruto paused, but then nodded. He wasn’t in a place to argue with his coaches. “Sure.”

“Great. Then I want you to continue through JV tryouts. Grab some water and then head back out onto the field.”

“Alright coach.”

Haruto jogged out to the edge of the field. He was surprised to see Hanbyul sitting at the edge of the bleachers. “What’s up?”

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“What do you mean what am I doing here? I came to watch your second day of tryouts.”

“Are you sure you’re here to watch me?”

“Shut up. Why are you all sweaty already?”

“Coach had me try out with the varsity team today.”

Hanbyul’s eyes widened. “Dang, you must be awesome. The last two boys that made it onto the varsity team as sophomores were my brother and his best friend Bobby.”

Haruto shrugged. “The game is fun. It would be awesome to play on varsity.”

The coach blew his whistle, signalling all the players to come back out onto the field. Haruto turned around and gathered around. Every so often throughout the day Haruto ran back to the bleachers where Hanbyul sat. His bag was stowed away there as was his secret stash of Coca-Cola. It probably wasn’t smart to be drinking Coke in the middle of tryouts but every so often he needed a pick-me-up.

“You need to quash that habit.”

“Yeah yeah.”

At the end of the day the coach told Haruto to wait for him inside his office. So Haruto did just that.

“So what’d you think about tryouts today?” Coach asked.

“It was intense.”

“Yeah, what did you think of the way the varsity team played?”

“They were quicker, sharper, and more nimble.”

“Good observation. Do you think you were good enough to play on their level?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, then answer me another question. If you had to pick another player from the JV tryouts today to pull up to Varsity who would you pick?”

Haruto thought about it for a second. The answer was obvious. The only other person who seemed to put up a fight with him was “Jeongwoo.”

“Good guess.” The coach laughed. “I don’t know what they feed you kids in Japan. But all four of you are good.”

There was a knock on the door. Haruto turned around to see Jeongwoo. He smirked when he saw the sour expression on Jeongwoo’s face. But it was gone once he had walked into the room and stood adjacent to Haruto.

“The two of you have demonstrated amazing capabilities and I am considering pulling one of you up to the varsity team. Take this opportunity seriously. Tomorrow is the last day of tryouts.”

The last place Haruto expected to run into you was at the hospital. The last thing you were expecting at the hospital was for a dude to come up behind you and scare you. It was horrible, you can’t remember the last time you screamed so loudly, let alone at a public place.

“What are you doing here Y/N?”

“Uh, I’m-” you hesitated, trying to craft an answer that was vague enough that you wouldn’t have to tell the whole truth but not vague enough that he wouldn’t continue to ask questions. But thankfully Haruto seemed to take it upon himself to fill the silence.

“Look, I just wanted to say I’m sorry that I totally misjudged you when I first met you? In fact, I thought I hated you.”

Alarm bells went off in your head. Was it normal for a person to come to you and tell you they hated you? “Uh, thanks?”

But Haruto continued. “But I wanted to say I totally read you wrong. You’re actually really cool. And I wanted to say thank you. For remembering my name.”

That was the first time someone had ever said that to you. You stared at him blankly unsure of how to respond.

“Haruto! Haruto! Haruto! Please report to waiting room 105, the doctor is ready for you now.” The voice over the loudspeaker belted.

“Well, that’s me.” Haruto said with a soft smile on his face. He got up and waved goodbye to you before heading to the back of the office.

Once he was safely out of sight you pulled out your notebook. Your face paled once you flipped through it a few times. You thought about what to do. What did this guy want? You wrote out all these questions in your notebook. Then you came to a conclusion of what to do and wrote that down in your notebook as well.

You ripped out a piece of paper from your notebook and scribbled your number on it. Then got up to the receptionist desk. “Hi, I don’t know if you’re allowed to do this. But when that guy Haruto comes out. Would you mind giving him this?”

You handed the sheet of paper over to her, the receptionist gave you a look and then a wink before accepting the sheet of paper. You figured that meant she accepted, so you waved goodbye and left the hospital.

“Excuse me sir!” The receptionist lady called out to Haruto as he was about to head out of the doctor’s office. What felt and looked like a nasty possible sprain on the lacrosse field just turned out to be a measly bruise.

Haruto approached the reception desk. “There was a young lady earlier. She asked me to give this to you before you leave.”

Haruto looked at the slip of paper. His eyes widened into the size of large gumballs when he realized what was on it. He felt like his heart would explode. But then his mind pumped the brakes, he wasn’t ungrateful, but why did you give him your number?

On the way back home you second guessed your decision at least 30 times. Why did you give him your number? The only reason you could think of was that you didn’t want to not know the guy. Contrary to what your mind and your diary told you. Your heart didn’t want to give him up. Maybe it was selfish and confusing, who knew? But who cared?

Haruto’s excitement was cut short when he finished punching your number into his contacts. Before he could even send a message to you, his phone rang. Hanbyul.

“Hey Hanbyul, what’s up?”

Haruto became alarmed when he heard a sniff and a muffled sob. “Haruto, I miss him.”

Haruto sighed. “He’ll come around soon.”

“Is there nothing you can do to make him come around sooner?”

“Hanbyul. If all goes well he’s going to be my teammate. Plus, what could I possibly say to change things?”

“I don’t know. He probably thinks there’s something going on between us.”

Haruto paused. “Is that why you’re friends with me?”

“No, no I swear it’s not. You’re an amazing person and you’ve been an amazing friend.”

“Hanbyul.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t like what you’re asking me to do. But you are my friend. If you’re really sure this is the way you want to go about it.”

“I’m- I’m not sure. I just need things to change.”

On the third day of tryouts Haruto was in a funk. And it showed. The events of yesterday night haunted him, he was happy to see you but he was sorry for Hanbyul. Haruto didn’t really like to fight with anybody, but he found her requests unreasonable and the questions she asked about you probing and uncomfortable.

It seemed as if Jeongwoo was the same way. Haruto gave into the niggling voice inside his head and said probably he shouldn’t have said. “You’re gonna lose your girl to me and now you’re gonna lose your spot on the team to me?”

It pushed Jeongwoo off the edge and the two of them went at it. Haruto played ferociously and aggressively. As did Jeongwoo. The game ended when Jeongwoo illegally body checked Haruto.

“Dude what the hell is your problem?”

“No, what’s your problem? Your comment back there? Absolutely uncalled for.”

Valid. But Haruto wasn’t going to admit that. “Please. Pull your head out of your ass. You’re hurting your friend. Talk to her.”

Haruto stood by as he and Jeongwoo got scolded for their behavior. Eventually, tryouts ended with neither one ending up on the varsity team. Haruto knew he probably should have been more bothered but he wasn’t. He had other things on his mind.

When Haruto exited the office he saw Hanbyul waiting outside. She turned to look away from Jeongwoo back to Haruto. Tired and hopeful that their saga would end, Haruto smiled and jutted his chin out towards Jeongwoo. Hanbyul smiled and ran after Jeongwoo.

Since the fateful day you have Haruto your number. Whenever he had a free moment he would ask to see you. After each time you saw him, you thoroughly wrote down everything that had happened in the day. You didn’t want to forget.

A few Mondays ago, you went to get ice cream together. “What’s your favorite food, Haruto?”

“Me? Anything unhealthy.”

You whacked him on the arm for that.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“For being a stupid teenage boy. And because I’m jealous of your metabolism.”

A couple Thursdays ago, Haruto asked you if you wanted to go watch a movie with him. The Uber and the weather didn’t quite work out. “Sorry we missed the movie by 45 minutes. But on the bright side, it’s not raining anymore!”

You laughed. “I guess you’re right. What should we do instead now that we’re here?”

Haruto looked around. He pointed at the grassy meadow. “We should just lay down on the grass and look at the stars.”

“The grass is wet.”

“Look, they're selling plastic tarps over at that convenience store. Let’s just buy one.”

“Okay.”

Haruto paid for a plastic tarp and spread it down out on the grassy meadow. The two of you laid on the ground parallel to one another. Until Haruto turned to you “can I hold you?”

You felt your face flush and you looked away. You hesitated for a few moments but eventually Haruto smiled when he heard a soft “yeah.”

So he moved his arm as you lifted your head to rest on top of it. You curled into him as his arm wrapped around your upper body. Haruto’s stomach exploded in butterflies. Your face was on fire. But the two of you were happy, blissful.

Last Friday night Haruto asked you to come to one of his lacrosse games. “Y/N, this is my friend Hanbyul. Hanbyul, this is Y/N.”

“Y/N?” Hanbyul stared at you eyes wide. Like she knew something. She looked like she wanted to say something but she held it in. You wondered what it was, but decided not to think too much about it.

Hanbyul was sweet. She kept you company throughout the game. But she was an aggressive cheer-er. Most of her attention was spent yelling at the field. Her energy was contagious and by the end of the game you were standing on the bleachers cheering “Go Haruto!”

Now it was Saturday and the two of you had finally gone to see the movie that you had meant to see a couple Thursdays ago. You clasped onto the arm that Haruto had held out for you as you exited the movie theater. “That movie was so good! It was so crazy!”

Haruto laughed. “Yeah it was okay.”

“Just okay? You didn’t like it?”

“No, I liked it. It wasn’t bad. But I feel like there were better movies from this cinematic universe you know?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“Which one was your favorite?” Haruto asked.

“Huh?” You looked up at Haruto to see him looking down at you. You turned away. “Um. Would you wanna come back to my place?”

“Huh?” Haruto wasn’t normally caught off guard but this time he was.

“I mean. Not like that. I just, I don’t know I’m not ready for the night to end and I figured since my place is close by we could just go back and chat.”

Haruto smiled. “Yeah, that sounds nice. Let’s go.”

Soon after the two of you arrived at your place, Haruto got situated on the couch and after making sure he was properly settled in. You had gotten up to go fetch your drinks. Haruto spotted your notebook sitting on the edge of the coffee table. He glanced over to see that your attention was fully occupied on making your drinks. Haruto turned back to stare at the notebook. No. The notebook was staring at him. Haruto knew it was wrong. He knew he shouldn’t peek.

But he couldn’t help it. Every time he saw you he either saw the notebook with you or he saw you writing the notebook and every time he even remotely looked in its direction you guarded it with your life. This could be his only chance.

And so, Haruto grabbed the notebook. He flipped through it and saw that it was very meticulously dated. Upon closer inspection he noticed that each entry was timed as well and every timed entry had extensive details about what you saw, what you talked about. Then he flipped backwards and found one page not like the others.

This page wasn’t dated. Instead, it was titled. Haruto. Haruto’s eyes widened. Every line of his designated page was filled. There were things about him on there that even he hadn’t realized he had said. Why had you written all these things down? All these details didn’t seem that important to him. They were like things that were probably easily remembered. Or things you could ask him about, he’d answer if you ever asked him about.

Just as he was about to continue flipping through the pages of the notebook. “What do you think you’re doing?”

An index card fluttered out of the notebook right at Haruto’s feet. Haruto bent down to pick it up. But in a panic you kicked his shin and as he howled and grabbed onto his leg you snatched the card. “What the hell Y/N?”

“No. I should be asking you that. I’ve made it abundantly clear that this notebook is not to be touched. It’s incredibly private to me.”

“What is it? Why is it so important? I asked Hanbyul what it might be and she just said it was probably a diary. What is so special about yours?”

“What is so special about mine?” you were so angry you felt like your head was about to pop. While your head didn’t pop. Your mouth certainly did. “What is so special about mine? This notebook? This notebook. Is my memory. I don’t have a memory.”

You tossed the card at Haruto. He picked it up and read the words on the card as you spoke.

“At age 13 you were involved in a very traumatic car accident. The accident left you in a coma for two weeks. After you recovered from your coma you were diagnosed with anterograde amnesia. From that day on, you no longer have the ability to make memories. The memories you make within a day will only last until you fall asleep wherein your memories of the previous day will be wiped. Use your notebooks to keep track of your days. Use these notebooks to help you remember.”

You could hear your voice waver as you finished reciting the contents on the index card.

“Y/N, I-” Haruto said. The world seemed grayer and grimmer. Everything made so much sense now. Why every time he spoke to you in school you had to ask for his name. Why sometimes you looked confused or blank when he mentioned something or attempted to crack a joke.

“So now you know.” You whispered. You could feel your body start to heave, your breathing became heavy. The gravity of what you had just exposed started to weigh down on you. “You need to leave. You need to leave and never come back.”

“Y/N. I wish you would have told me.”

“Why?” You snarled. “Why would I tell you that? Each day I wake up I can’t even remember who you are. Why would I have told you anything? Just so you could go around pitying me? Telling everyone else about me? Absolutely not.”

Haruto started to feel tears well up in his own eyes. He felt trapped in his own body as he watched your body fail yours. When he saw you collapse something snapped in his head and he got up and picked you up. One arm held you under your shoulder blades and the other below your knees.

“Get. Out.” you said in between wheezes.

“No. Y/N. I’m sorry. I don’t want to. Let me help you.”

“Get. Out.” you said, barely conscious.

“Y/N. You’re scaring me. What do I do? How do I help you? Let me help you and I’ll leave you alone.”

Your eyelids were getting heavier and heavier. Honestly, you weren’t even sure what exactly was going on. Maybe it would be smart to have Haruto call your doctor before he left. “Emergency Numbers. Notebook.”

Haruto placed you down on your bed just as you had passed out. Haruto immediately ran back to the living room and grabbed your notebook that had fallen onto the ground. He flipped through it frantically. What page were the emergency numbers on? He saw them scribbled on the inside of the back cover. He grabbed his phone and dialed the first number listed at the top.

“Hello? Is this Y/N’s doctor? She’s just passed out and I don’t know what to do. I’m in her apartment right now. Someone please come help me.” Haruto hadn’t even realized that tears had been streaming down his face until he saw wet splotches appear on the notebook. He wiped them quickly and sniffed. “This is scaring me.”

“Yes, this is Y/N’s doctor. I’m on my way over. Who is this?”

“Haruto. I’m a friend of hers.”

“Haruto. You did good, son. Just wait. I’ll be there in a second.”

“Doctor. Is she gonna be okay?”

“Honestly I can’t tell you right now. I have to check up on her. Right now I’m in front of her door so you can let me in.” The call ended and Haruto opened the door.

“Is she in her room?” The stout man asked.

Haruto nodded and followed him back into your room. He tried to help the doctor but eventually the doctor turned to him and said “son, just relax. Give me some space. She should be fine. She had a panic attack, something must have worked her up. But she’ll wake up. But, it might be better if you aren’t here by the time she wakes up.

“I understand, doctor.”

The doctor took a good look at him. Then nodded grimly before turning his attention back to you. Before Haruto could leave though he saw a stack of index cards, a roll of washi tape, and a pen sitting on your desk. He was still holding your notebook from earlier. He grabbed the materials and headed back out to the living room.

Before he left he scribbled out a note. Then pulled something out of his wallet and taped it to the back of the index card. He then taped the index card to the inside of the front cover before shutting the notebook and leaving it in the middle of your coffee table. He held in a sob as he got up. How had things gone so sour so quickly?

Haruto walked back over to your room and peeked in. Your doctor was still busy doting on you. So he turned around and exited your apartment. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Junkyu. “Hey, can you pick me up?”

“Yeah of course. Send me the address.” Junkyu said, trying not to be too alarmed by the tone of Haruto’s voice.

Eventually, you woke up. After reading the note that your doctor had taped to your hand explaining the situation you took a deep sigh. What a shit show. You needed to find the notebook your doctor had mentioned in his note.

It was sitting in the very middle of your coffee table. You flipped through the last few pages to read your entries. Your eyes started to water and you felt yourself get emotional. You could sense that you had grown close to someone. You read about yourself and how you felt about Haruto, but who was Haruto? For the most part you had made peace with your situation but for the first time in a long time, you began to feel frustrated. Angry. Cheated of a normal life that other 16 year old girls got to live.

Just as you were about to shut the notebook you noticed there were two index cards taped to the inside cover. The first one explained your situation. It was more or less what your doctor had just explained to you. But the second one was new. You lifted it up to your face and began to read it aloud.

Y/N,

If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you are the love of my life. My name is Haruto Watanabe and I am 16 years old. I met you for the first time in our freshman year of high school back then when we lived in Japan. We were only 14 years old. I used to be jealous of you, how you beat me in school every time even if just by a little bit. I also resented you because I thought you never bothered to remember my name.

By some stroke of fate, we both ended up in America. Whether by fate or not we saw each other a few more times and met up with each other and I really began to fall for you. You are the kindest, most beautiful, and genuine person I have ever met in my life.

I want you to know that even with your condition. My opinion and my feelings towards you have not changed. I want to be honest with you and tell you what I did and I hope in time you can read this and not feel angry.

Y/N, I did something bad. I invaded your privacy. You see, every time I saw you you fiercely guarded this notebook. Everytime I asked about it or possibly glimpsed at it you would react so strongly so eventually the curiosity of needing to know what was in the notebook killed me. And one day when your attention was occupied elsewhere, I read it.

It seemed like a regular diary to me but you caught me in the act and got upset with me. You explained to me your condition and I want you to know I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry I behaved so insensitively. If I were a more selfless man I would have left your life for good. But I am not. I’ve attached my school I.D. to the back of this card. On it has my name, my picture, and my phone number.

If you ever find it in yourself to forgive me. Please give me a call. I will always love you.

Love,

Haruto Watanabe

You flipped the back of the card over. Sure enough there was a school I.D. taped to the back. You pulled the card off and stared at it. The boy in the picture was handsome. He was tall. His height was 6’2”. You scoffed, at least you had good taste.

You saw his phone number at the bottom. You pondered over whether or not to call him, what would you even say to him? Where would he even fit in your life?

These were the questions that ran through your mind as you pulled your phone out and dialed his number. You stared at the numbers as you recited them aloud again. Your thumb hovering above the green button.

353 notes · View notes

poisonedapples · 3 years

Text

Patton’s Home for Traumatized Kids

Chapter One: The New Kid

Story Summary: Roman has to have a completely new start. New school, new town, new home and a new family. As a kid in his first foster home, Roman isn’t prepared to trust these people and get hurt again, but he’s not the only kid in the house recovering from past issues. Regardless, their foster father Patton is ready to be the dad they’ve always needed, and traumatized kids learn to lean on each other for support.

Story Warnings: Past abuse of all types, trauma, and anxiety

Pairings: Familial LAMP

Chapter Summary: Roman moves into his new foster home. He is not having a good time.

Chapter Warnings: Anxiety, panic, implied past abuse, food, one vomiting mention, and talk of hidden cameras

Word Count: 6778

Notes: First chapter of a story I’ve wanted to make for my foster au! Thanks to Cornybird on Ao3 for beta-ing this one <3

“Logan, Virgil?” Patton called out from downstairs. “Can you come down here? I wanna talk about something with you!”

Virgil and Logan gave each other curious looks from their sitting places on the same bed. Virgil placed his phone on the nightstand beside him as Logan set his book down at the foot of the bed, both standing up to exit Virgil’s bedroom and head downstairs. At the dining room table was their foster father, Patton, smiling wide with a laptop and notepad in front of him.

“What’s up?” Virgil asked after he and Logan glanced at each other.

Patton giggled to himself, “Sit down for a second and I’ll tell you! Nothing bad, promise. I think it’s very exciting.”

They quickly sat at the table on the other side of Patton. “So,” Patton joked, “I bet you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today!”

Logan and Virgil spoke in unison. “You’re getting another foster kid.”

Patton blinked. “…How’d you guess it?”

“You’ve been really happy recently, but also very quiet about why you were so happy. You only get like this when you’re bringing another foster kid into the mix. You did the same thing when Logan came along.” Virgil said.

Logan nodded. “Virgil told me about his suspicions due to your behavior, and I agreed with him. I think we both expected you’d make the announcement soon.”

“Oh.” Patton rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “I didn’t think it was that easy to tell. Well, you guessed right! The new kiddo is moving in on Sunday!”

Logan leaned closer. “What’s their name?”

“His name is Roman Goldsberry. He’s fifteen, and he’s only been in the system for about five months. Though, before this, he was in kinship care with his aunt, so living here is going to be very strange for him. So just be patient with him at first, okay?”

“Yeah yeah, we will be.” Virgil smirked. “But you said he was fifteen?”

“Yup! He’ll be a sophomore in high school this year.”

“Aw, that means Logan’s still the baby in the family.”

Logan blushed. “I’m a teenager. I am not the so-called ‘baby’ of the family.”

“Sounds like something the baby of the family would say.”

“Falsehood!”

“Okay, okay, that’s enough.” Patton tried not to laugh. He knew how much Logan hated being the youngest, but it was hard to act like his reaction wasn’t funny. “Remember, Roman will be here Sunday, so be on your best behavior when he gets here. No spooking him.”

“Got it, got it.” Virgil slouched in his chair and thought. “One more question though. How fucked up is he?”

“Virgil, language.” Patton warned.

“Sorry! It’s just a question. We know you have a soft spot for the most effed up kids you can find.”

“I would have to say I’m curious as well.” Logan agreed. “It’s become a pattern.”

Patton sighed. “He’s not messed up, he’s a kid who’s struggling and needs support. If he wants to tell you two about his past, then he will.”

Virgil groaned. “Fine, fine. Can we go back upstairs now?”

Patton smiled. “Yes, you can go.”

“Great! I’m stealing your book, Logan.”

“Wait, you can’t do that!”

Virgil darted back upstairs with a maniacal laugh as Logan chased him, the sound of bickering teenagers traveling back up the stairs. Patton shook his head in amusement, still listening to the ruckus in case it got out of hand and he needed to step in, but Patton knew his kids. They may tease, but they’re not mean.

Patton continued working on his laptop once the noise quieted down again.

***

“I hate this.”

“I know you do, Roman, but I’m certain you can persevere and find happiness in this new home!” Roman’s social worker, Mr. Picani, smiled hopefully as he continued to drive him to his foster home. Roman was scooted as close to the window as he could possibly get, his legs crossed and clamped together so tight his thighs were getting sore. He didn’t trust Picani, and he sure as hell didn’t trust this new house. No matter what anyone told him.

“I already had a home! Living with my aunt was so much better than whatever could happen here.” Roman’s hands shook just thinking about it. He didn’t know anything about this new person, and the idea of being in a house full of strangers was enabling the more gruesome side of his imagination. He trusted his aunt, at least, but now he was going to a family who could be anyone.

Roman didn’t like the idea of that.

Picani frowned. “You know why your aunt couldn’t house you anymore, Roman. I know it’s not easy, but I think you’ll like this new place! It’s more up north in Foley County, and the area is nice. He also has two other foster children if that helps.”

“How old are the other kids?”

“Fourteen and sixteen, I think. You’ll get to know them more during your time there.”

Roman hummed, looking out the window and digging his nails into his shirt sleeve. He really hoped this foster dad hadn’t touched them before. Even forgetting about himself, a fourteen year old kid having to deal with abuse? Even after getting away from bad parents? He didn’t wish that on anyone.

“And if you ever feel unsafe,” Picani added, “you can always contact me, ‘kay?”

I already feel unsafe. “Okay. How much longer until we’re there?”

“About twenty more minutes. Just enough time to finish the rest of the Tangled movie soundtrack!”

Roman didn’t respond. Normally, he’d love to have a Disney soundtrack he could burst into song with, but he wasn’t feeling it today. And probably wouldn’t be feeling it for a long time.

He just wanted to feel safe. He felt safe with his aunt, but she couldn’t afford to keep him long after the trial since she gave birth to the twins. His aunt was always one of his favorite relatives, one of the few adults he genuinely trusted, now he was going to the house of some random guy named Patton, who he’d only heard of yesterday, and expected to be okay near him. Well, he wasn’t okay. And he wasn’t going to be, ever.

Roman leaned his head on the window and closed his eyes. His hands still shook a little and his chest felt weird, but fighting it now was pointless. Roman just hoped that if this guardian did try something, he’d do it quickly. The sooner Roman told on him to save himself and the other kids, the better.

Though, Roman still felt his hands tingle at the thought. The idea of “getting it over with” made him want to scream and cry. He wrapped his legs tighter together.

After a long time of trying to fight against his own anxious thoughts, Picani pulled into a driveway and stopped the car and Roman opened his eyes to take a look at where they were. He didn’t know the neighborhood, but it seemed like Picani was telling the truth when he said the neighborhood was nice. The house seemed huge, big bushes and flower patches in the front yard and a nice outside paint job. It looked like a house that a functional nuclear family would have, where the dad is a doctor and the mom stays at home with the kids.

Well, looks can be deceiving. Roman thought. Don’t get your hopes up.

“Here we are!” Picani unbuckled his seatbelt with a wide smile. “Grab your suitcases in the back, I’ll knock on the door.”

Roman nodded and got out of the car as Picani popped the trunk. He grabbed two red suitcases and a backpack, closing the car and wheeling it all up to the front door. Picani was there talking to a guy who Roman assumed must be Patton Sanders, and by taking just one look at him…Roman had never seen a person look so much like a dad.

He was wearing khaki shorts and a light blue polo with tennis shoes and knee socks, thick-rimmed glasses sitting on his face to finish off the dorky look. Patton managed to pull it off, sure, but Roman felt a primal urge from binge-watching Queer Eye to fix that mess of an outfit.

Before Roman could truly take in the fact that Patton’s knee socks also had kittens on them, Patton smiled wide once he saw Roman in the corner of his eye. “Hello, Roman! It’s so nice to have you, come on in you two!”

Patton stepped aside to hold out the door as Picani and Roman both walked in. Roman scraped his arm on the door frame trying to keep a reasonable distance from Patton, but neither of the adults seemed to notice how Roman was acting. Patton kept smiling away, and Roman tried to see how real that smile truly was. “So, Mr. Picani, I know I have some things to go over with you, so how would you feel if the other kiddos showed you around the house, Roman?”

…Kiddos? “That sounds fine to me.”

“Perfect!” Patton walked over to the staircase and called upstairs. “Logan, Virgil! Can you come down here please?”

Patton’s request was quickly followed by the sound of doors opening and closing. Two kids walked down the stairs; a boy in a black and purple hoodie, and another boy with thick glasses almost the same as Patton’s. They both stared at Roman curiously, and Roman wanted to sink into the floor.

Patton placed an arm over Logan and Virgil’s shoulders and Roman winced at the sight. “So, kiddos, this is Roman! And Roman, this is Logan,” Patton pointed to the kid in glasses. “And Virgil!” He pointed to the kid with the hoodie. The boys didn’t react much besides an awkward half smile directed Roman’s way. “How about you both show him around while I talk to Mr. Picani?”

Virgil shrugged. “Come upstairs, dude.”

Patton let go of both of the boys and walked off into the kitchen with Picani. Roman watched them from the living room for a moment, but he could feel two pairs of eyes staring at him from behind, so he turned around and followed the kids upstairs, bringing his luggage with him.

At the top of the stairs, a long hallway connected six doors on the second floor. Four of the doors were plain, brown doors, but two of them had very distinct personalities shown on the outside. One was covered in stars and planets, the door covered in a starry piece of wallpaper with a metal planet popping out of the background. The other was covered in caution tape saying keep out, with emo band posters poking out from under the tape. Two very different personalities.

“Your room will be this one at the very end of the hallway.” Logan opened the door to the room, turning on the light as Roman peeked inside. “You can place your luggage in here in the meantime.”

Roman nodded and walked inside to throw his luggage onto the floor. The room was very bare, with brown sheets on a twin bed and not much other furniture besides a desk and a dresser. There was a lamp on the desk and a floor lamp next to a door, and one of the opened closet doors showed that the top was covered in random boxes. Some newer-looking stuffed animals were also sitting on the bed; a soft bear and one of those squishy stuffed chickens Roman always saw in stores. It looked like an attempt at a welcoming gift, but new stuffed animals always put Roman on edge. He looked around the room, and the idea of sleeping here made Roman’s heart start to pound. He needed to check this place before he went to sleep that night.

Virgil smirked, taking Roman away from his anxious thoughts. “Damn, you’ve got suitcases? Living the fancy life I see.”

“…What?” Roman reeled.

Logan adjusted his glasses and crossed his arms. “Most foster children move their things using garbage bags. It’s rare we use actual suitcases.”

Roman looked down at his luggage. Suddenly, he felt guilty. “Oh, well…my aunt gave them to me before I moved out, so…”

Virgil shrugged. “What do you wanna see up here first?”

“We could show him our rooms. Or possibly the attic?”

“The attic is cooler.”

“What’s in the attic?” Roman asked.

“It essentially acts as a playroom.” Logan explained. “Board games and a…random assortment of items are all piled up there. It’s quite entertaining to search through, actually.”

“And it’s in the best place ever, come here.” Virgil motioned for Roman and Logan to follow him. He stopped at one of the doors, opening it and letting Roman peek over his shoulder to look inside. It looked like a normal walk-in closet, first aid and toilet paper on one side with batteries and rows of shampoo on the other. Virgil walked in with a smirk, “Now, check this shit out.”

Virgil jumped and pulled on a string dangling from the roof, unraveling a steep staircase through the closet leading up to a hole in the roof. Virgil started to climb the stairs as Logan followed suit, so Roman climbed right after them.

When Roman made it to the top, his eyes widened with wonder. Granted, it wasn’t anything too spectacular, surely not like something in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory, but the fact that this hidden space existed made Roman feel excited. At his old house, he barely even had his own room to himself, so a place like this was paradise.

The walls were painted white with a giant window above a sitting area on the other side of the room. Shelves of items scattered the walls, and the rug on the floor was so clean Roman wondered how they even got a vacuum up here. It wasn’t anything like his old attic, stuffed with random items from over the years and covered in spiderwebs. Roman felt like he could spend most of his day here.

“We have a lot of various toys up here.” Logan said. He gestured to the boxes on one of the shelves. “Pokémon cards, a chess set, Magic the Gathering, lots of Lego sets, craft supplies, most of our toys make their way up here.”

Roman’s head perked up. “…Craft supplies?”

Logan nodded. “I believe we have paints and drawing utensils.”

Roman looked at the bottom of the shelf Logan gestured toward. There was a box of small painting canvases with paints and brushes, and though they definitely looked cheap, Roman saw them and grew excited as he took out a canvas and the paints in wonder.

“Kiddos!” A voice yelled from the staircase. Logan and Roman walked over to the stairs to look down, but Virgil stayed in his place on a beanbag near the window. Patton and Picani stood at the bottom, and Patton smiled. “Now, what are you all doing up there?”

“We’re showing him around the house.” Logan said matter-of-factly.

“You are, huh?” Patton crossed his arms. “Does he know where the bathroom is?”

Logan blinked. Virgil called out from behind both of them. “He knows where the important things are!”

Patton tried not to smile, but he lost that battle quickly. “Well, Mr. Picani is leaving right now, Roman.”

“How ‘bout you come down here and I talk to you in private for a sec?” Picani asked.

“Uh, alright!” Roman climbed down the stairs and followed Picani out of the closet, while Patton climbed up the stairs into the attic. They both stepped away to the other side of the hallway, and suddenly Picani’s face became very serious.

“Do you feel safe in this house, Roman?” He asked.

Roman clenched his fist and bit his cheek. No, he didn’t, actually. He didn’t know what Patton would do once the coast was clear from guests, and the idea of what could happen was freezing him from the inside out. The only place Roman would feel truly safe was if he was back in the hospital.

But Roman knew that wasn’t possible, and he couldn’t keep bothering Picani all the time for fears that couldn't be helped. He had to be on his own. Alone.

“I think I do. They…seem like good people.” Roman lied. He’d have to find another way to survive.

Picani smiled, not noticing Roman’s unease. He always was a great actor. “Amazing! Let me know if anything comes up, bucko, and I’ll talk to ya again soon! But until then…so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen goodnight!”

Picani walked downstairs and waved behind him, laughing at his own reference as he walked out the door. Roman watched him from the staircase until he could see the car leaving the driveway through the window, and Roman felt truly hopeless. This was a nightmare.

He stood frozen on the staircase for a while, staring through the window with a hope of Picani turning back and saving him. But no car came into the driveway, and Roman didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. What do you even do when living in a house full of strangers?

“Heya, kiddo!” Roman jumped at the voice coming from behind him, jerking his head back and pushing his back up against the wall. It was Patton, smiling wide with a concerned look in his eyes at Roman’s reaction. “I’m sorry, Roman, I didn’t mean to scare you! I just wanted to ask if you wanted me to give you the rest of the tour. I’ll show you everything you need this time!”

Patton laughed at himself, but Roman felt the need to vomit. Patton was close, way too close, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t want to be roaming around the house with him, vulnerable and nowhere to hide. He needed to be somewhere safe.

“Uh, no, I’m fine! I’ll figure it out myself!” Patton raised an eyebrow at him, but Roman didn’t care. “Where’s the bathroom?”

Patton’s voice became softer. He pointed to the left of him, down the opposite direction of Roman’s room. “It’s over there. Are you sure you’re alright? You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine!” Roman darted past Patton quickly and out of reach, rushing into the bathroom and locking it behind him. He pressed his back against the door and sat down, pressing his feet against the sink, ready to fight against the door if someone tried to open it. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly, trying to even out his scattered breathing. He knew Patton was outside of the door, he could feel it. He just needed to be somewhere safe.

Roman didn’t move from his spot on the floor, eventually curling into himself and resting his head on his knees. He was so tired, the whole day his heart had been pounding with anxiety and he was sick of it. What did it take to feel safe? Was it even possible for Roman to feel safe anymore?

He didn’t want an answer to that. He was just so tired.

Roman closed his eyes and leaned his body against the bathroom wall, ignoring all his aches from the strange position and trying to give himself some comfort. His body was exhausted but his mind kept racing, thinking of all the things that could go wrong while living here. He tried to fight the anxious thoughts, but Roman figured it wasn’t that big of a deal. If he threw up in the toilet maybe they’d leave him alone for the day.

But Roman never got to that point. He rested on the floor and let his body shake, taking some deep breaths at times to feel less like he was suffocating. Eventually, a knock came to the bathroom door, and it took everything in Roman not to yelp.

“Are you still in there, Roman?” Roman could tell the voice was Logan, and that helped him relax a little more. He took in a big breath and tried to act normal.

“Yes, sorry. Do you need it?” He asked.

“I’m alright. I simply wanted to ask if you wanted to come downstairs and use the paints you seemed so interested in.”

Roman’s ears perked up at that. He forgot all about the paints, and it would be something that could ease his mind a little. But Roman wasn’t that dumb. He knew this was a plan to get him out of the bathroom. Though…he might not mind that much if he wasn’t alone.

“…Would you sit with me?” Roman asked. He doubted Patton would try anything so long as they weren’t alone together, and if he pleased them enough, maybe they’d leave him alone.

Logan was slow to respond. “I suppose I can if you wish for me to.”

Roman rolled his eyes at that sentence. What a nerd, he thought, standing up and slowly unlocking the door to the bathroom before opening it. He looked through the crack to check if Patton was standing behind Logan, but no one else was there. Logan stood there patiently with his hands clasped behind his back, and Roman fully exited the bathroom.

“I set the box on the dining room table. However, Patton is also there making a pizza for dinner.”

Roman froze. The same room as Patton? “… I’ll go, but you have to stay near me.”

Logan nodded. He led the way down the stairs while Roman followed, entering the dining room through the connected area in the living room. On the table was the box of painting supplies, and Roman ran toward them to start taking them out, trying to ignore the fact that he could see Patton in the corner of his eye. He grabbed a canvas and the cheap paints, as well as a plastic pallet and all the brushes. All that he needed was a cup of water, but…the sink was right next to where Patton was.

Roman drummed his fingers on the table. “…Logan, can you get me a cup of water?”

“Alright.” Logan stood up and grabbed a cup from the cupboard, filling it with water and handing it to Roman. Roman murmured a thank you, and Logan sat back down at his seat. He was grateful that Logan didn’t ask why Roman couldn’t get it himself.

“So, Roman,” Roman stiffened at the sound of Patton’s voice. “Are you an artsy kid?”

Roman gripped hard onto his paints, squirting out a lot more orange than he meant to. “I guess, yeah. I like art.”

“Do you like to paint, or are you more of a sketchy kinda guy?”

“Uh…all of it. Painting, drawing, coloring, I used to make a lot of stuffed animals too.”

“Awww, that sounds adorable!” The oven beeped and Patton put on his oven gloves and pulled out the pizza. “It’s probably best I don’t know how to make stuffed animals though. If I did, this house would be full of little stuffed puppies!”

Roman didn’t respond. He focused completely on mixing red and orange for a perfect sunset color, attempting to get a good gradient with the lack of shade variety. Once he filled in his sunset and blended it with a dark night sky, he mixed his white with a dot of gray and made darker clouds, dotting them above his rough-looking hill. He wanted to add more texture to the bottom of the canvas, maybe some trees, but he didn’t know how to make good ones without a fan brush. Maybe he could add some grass…

“Alright, the pizza is cooled down and ready!” Roman noticed Patton put a plate next to his painting, so he pushed all his supplies out of the way so he could eat. Patton set down more plates around the table as Virgil walked in. “It was a real pizza work if I do say so myself!”

Logan rolled his eyes and Virgil held back a snort, but Roman didn’t quite know how to react. He might have found the dad joke more amusing if he wasn’t so on edge.

Roman took a bite of the pizza. It wasn’t anything spectacular, just a store-bought one that you heat up in the oven and serve, but Roman didn’t realize he was so hungry until now. He had skipped lunch because his nerves about coming here were making his stomach churn, but finally having food near him was bringing back that hunger. Roman’s foot was still tapping violently under the table, but it was progress.

Everyone ate their pizza in silence. It was incredibly awkward on Roman’s end, no stories to tell as this table full of strangers kept making glances at him. Patton was the worst with it. He seemed to want to say something to Roman, continuously making eye contact with him until Roman looked away, but still not saying a word. He couldn’t take it. He hated it, but he hated this silence even more. Roman swallowed the pizza bite he was chewing and opened his mouth.

“So,” Roman started, “what do I…call you anyway?”

“Me?” Patton asked, his eyes lighting up. Why would his eyes light up at that?

“Yeah. Do I say Mr. Sanders, or…?”

“Oh, Patton works just fine! I hear Mr. Sanders way too often at work to wanna hear it at home too!”

“Oh, where- where do you work?” At least it wasn’t so quiet anymore.

“I’m a nurse practitioner for a clinic. It’s a lot of fun, just a lot of work. At least my hours aren’t as crazy as most nurses.”

“Oh that’s…cool.” Roman didn’t know how to continue off of that.

“It is! Is there anything else you wanna ask me, though? Maybe about the house, routines, anything?”

“Well…what are the rules here?” That seemed like a very safe question to have. It could save Roman a lot of trouble, and it could give him more of a read on the kind of parent Patton was.

“Oh, it’s not that much. You’re old enough to clean up after yourself, so make it a habit to pick up your own things and not put that stuff on other people. Be kind to everyone else, and the only rule I’m very strict about is no yelling. You can be loud sometimes, but no angry yelling at anybody here. The last one is to respect others’ privacy. Always knock on someone’s bedroom door before entering. But that’s really it, I think!”

How often do you break that last rule? “That seems reasonable, I suppose.”

Patton smiled. “I think you’ll do just fine here, kiddo. I know it’s hard to start over, but you won’t be alone during it!”

“…Thank you.”

“And I’m sure Virgil and Logan could help out a little bit, since they’ve been in the same situation! Right, you two?”

Virgil was halfway through trying to stick a whole piece of crust in his mouth. “…Uh huh.”

“…Virgil, chew your food.”

“Lo’an ‘old me I cou’ do it!”

“Do not drag me into this.”

Virgil hid his mouth behind his hand as he chewed for a long period of time. “You’re just avoiding your responsibility.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Well, I’m finished, so try not to choke now.”

“Now I’m gonna choke just to spite you.”

“Please do not start a choking contest, Virge.”

Virgil groaned before swallowing the last of his crust. He followed Logan to the dishwasher and put his plate in, closing it and scurrying away back upstairs. Logan hesitated leaving the dining room, looking between Patton and Roman. Roman couldn’t tell if Patton noticed Logan’s hesitation or if it was just perfect timing, because he also got up and put his plate in the dishwasher.

“When you finish, Roman, just put your dishes away.”

“I can do that.”

Patton smiled and walked off into the living room, sitting on the couch to watch some TV show seemingly about cute puppies and kittens. Logan glanced at Roman again.

“Do you still want me to stay?” Logan asked.

Roman ate the last of his pizza and pushed his plate to the side, grabbing his painting again to put in front of him. It was the most effective thing at calming him down. “…No, I should be okay.”

Logan nodded and walked upstairs. Roman tried to fully immerse himself in his painting, focusing on every last detail and how he could make it better without over-detailing it. Roman put more green on his brush and started to dot at his hill on the bottom, trying to add little blades of textured grass. It was a long process, just enough to take the majority of his focus and calm his hands.

…Roman felt really weird here. It didn’t feel like he lived in this house, now. It felt like he was spending the day with some friends, and his aunt would come pick him up before the sun went down. But no, these new kids were his foster brothers and the adult he was terrified of was expected to act as his new dad. There was no one coming to save him, he was expected to sleep here and eat here and live here. This was supposed to be his safe space.

Roman rubbed at his eyes and shook his head. Don’t focus on that now, he thought. Focus on the painting.

So he did focus. He focused on monotonous texture additions and watching the paint dry on his canvas as he went along, letting the repetitive action calm his mind just a little bit. His calming method seemed to be working too well, actually, as the more details he added and stared at the paint, Roman realized that his constant panic today had completely exhausted him. It wasn’t even seven o’clock yet and Roman could feel his eyelids get heavier. He rubbed at his eyes again and tried to focus.

Roman yawned once. He yawned twice and rubbed his eyes as he kept adding minor details to his painting. Then, after a while, Roman scooted his painting to the side and laid his head down on the table.

***

“…Roman, wake up, please.”

Roman buried his head deeper in his arms. “Come on Roman, it’s late.”

Roman groggily lifted his head up. Patton was sitting in the chair across from him, the lights were all off except for the one light above the dining table. Roman looked around him, and noticed that it was dark outside now. Shit.

“You fell asleep, but that’s okay. It’s bedtime now, and the other two are already in bed, so how about you go get ready and sleep in your bed? I bet it’s comfier than the table.”

Roman dug his palm into his eye. “…What time is it…?”

“About 10:20. You all have bedtime at ten.”

“…But I’m fifteen?” Roman gave Patton a confused and sleepy look. He hasn’t had a bedtime since he was twelve, especially one that was so early. His mom only told him to be in bed by midnight.

Patton smiled. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. Logan is the only one who needs a bedtime, but I don’t want him to feel left out because he’s the only one asleep. So, how about you get ready for bed?”

Roman nodded and got out of his chair. The more he walked, the more he woke up, and he could tell by the time he went back upstairs that he wasn’t going to go back to sleep for a while since he could feel his heartbeat in his chest again. Patton followed him upstairs, turning off the dining room light as they went. Roman got his bathroom bag out from his smaller suitcase and a cotton shirt with sweatpants for pajamas, bringing it all with him to the bathroom. He closed the door as he brushed his teeth for the night, placing his bag in the bottom drawer after he did. He changed into his pajamas carefully, taking the towel on one of the racks to hide his lower half under as he switched pants, taking his other clothes and throwing them into a laundry basket.

When Roman stepped out of the bathroom, Patton was leaning against a wall waiting for him. He smiled at Roman, but Roman still ran past him to get as far away as he could get. Patton didn’t seem to notice, or maybe he just didn’t care. Roman shifted on his feet awkwardly before closing his door.

“Um…goodnight.” He finally said. Patton seemed satisfied with this.

“Goodnight, Roman.”

Roman finally closed the door to his bedroom, waiting until he heard the door on the other end of the hallway open and close. Almost immediately after, as if another force was controlling him, Roman started to tear the place apart.

He checked the charging ports in the walls, the lamp, under the bed’s covers and behind every piece of furniture. He stood on top of his suitcase to check the vents and took out all the drawers in the dresser. He punched the stuffed animals to see if he could feel wires, but he still couldn’t find it. He couldn’t find it.

Roman felt himself start to pant. He refused to go to bed until he found it. No matter how well hidden it was, Roman knew there was a camera in here. He couldn’t stop until he found it.

Roman grabbed the boxes at the top of the closet and tossed everything out of them, checking every spare blanket and binder before throwing them across the room when he found nothing. He took the hangers out of the closet and threw them on the floor, shining his phone light on the wall of the closet to find a hole. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Tears sprung into Roman’s eyes as he choked on his own breath. “Where the hell is it!?” He whispered, slamming the closet door closed and moving to check the bed. He tore the bedsheets off and checked the mattress, lifting it up as well to check the bed frame for anything that could be used to record. Nothing.

“Come on, please-” Roman took out the drawer from the bedside table. Nothing. He unscrewed the lightbulb from the lamp, almost shattering it from his tight grip. Nothing. He threw the lamp onto the bed and kicked the nightstand over. Nothing.

Roman choked out a sob as his whole body started to shake. This wasn’t fair, he spent all that time trying to get away from his dad only to end up in a place that hid cameras better than him. Roman gripped the covers he’d thrown and punched the floor next to them, the ache being an almost pleasant distraction from his own head. But his mind continued to race and his crying didn’t let up. The only thing Roman could manage to get out of his mouth was “No, no!”

Then, between Roman’s sobbing, he heard a knock at the door.

Roman froze in place. A feeling of dread spread through his chest and made his fingers go numb. For a second, Roman forgot to breathe as he remembered he forgot to lock the door.

Roman’s body was stiff, but his mind was going a mile a minute in a desperate attempt to save himself. He could hide in the closet, but since he tore everything out of there, if someone opened the door they’d immediately find him. He could hide under the bed, but without the covers to reach the floor it was easy to see he was under there. Roman choked on his own breath when he realized there was nowhere to hide-

“Roman?” The knock came back to the door, gentler than the first time. It wasn’t Patton’s voice like Roman feared, it was Virgil. Raspy and tired-sounding, but without a doubt Virgil.

“Y-yeah?” Roman squeaked out.

“Uh, can I…can I come in?”

Roman’s death grip on the covers loosened up slightly. “Yes…”

Virgil slowly turned the doorknob and opened it, slipping in through the smallest crack and closing the door slowly so it wouldn’t click. Once he was inside, Virgil’s eyes widened as he took in the sight of the destroyed room. “…Holy shit dude.”

Roman tried to dodge the situation, “What do you want?”

“I was gonna come in here and make a joke, like, ‘quiet down it sounds like a tornado is going through here’, but now I think I predicted the fucking future.” Roman put his head down as Virgil looked around in shock. “What the fuck happened?”

Roman wiped away his tears with the palm of his hands, digging into his eyes so hard he saw stars for a moment. “…There’s a camera in here.”

Virgil backed up more towards the door. “Wait, there is?” He darted his eyes around the room looking for what Roman was talking about. Roman let out a shaky breath.

“I haven’t found it yet, but I know it’s in here somewhere!” More tears went down Roman’s face as he hugged himself. Virgil seemed to realize what Roman was babbling on about. “I know Patton put a camera in here for me and I’m freaking out because I can’t find it!”

Virgil looked around at the mess again. He sighed. “I’m not good at this shit…you’re certain it’s in here?”

“Yes!”

“Hey, hey, don’t yell.” Virgil warned. “Pat and Logan are still asleep and I don’t think you’d like all that extra attention right now.”

He was right. If Logan and Patton came in here, Roman didn’t know what he’d do about it. It was the last thing he wanted, so Roman obeyed. “I just…I don’t know what to do…I can’t sleep until I find it.”

Virgil seemed to be thinking. He tugged on the neck of his pajama shirt before speaking. “How about we both make a deal?”

Roman lifted his head up to look at Virgil. “…Deal?”

“We’ll trade rooms for the night. There wouldn’t be a camera in my room if he’s trying to watch you, right?”

Roman paused. “…What if he’s watching you too?”

“I’ve lived here for two years. You think I wouldn’t have noticed a camera in my room by now?”

Roman thought about it. He did have a point, it was hard to go that long without finding the camera. Or at least, have your guardian have it slip that they’ve been watching you. And anything was better than staying in this place.

“…We can trade. Thanks.”

Virgil shrugged. “You know where my room is. Just slip in and don’t wreck all my shit.”

Roman laughed a little bit at that one. Virgil grabbed the sheets and covers off the floor and began to remake the bed as Roman grabbed his backpack and started to slowly open the door. But before he left, Roman had to say one more thing for his own piece of mind. “…Don’t touch my suitcases. I-I’ll know if you do.”

Virgil raised an eyebrow at him. “…I won’t.”

Roman opened the door and softly closed it behind him, slipping into the room next door covered in caution tape. He turned on the light and set his backpack down on the floor, looking around him at all the things that showed Virgil’s personality. Emo band posters covered the walls that were painted a dark purple, with dark wood furniture and Hot Topic decorations all over the place. Just looking at this room told him how angsty this kid was.

Roman shook it off and unzipped his backpack. He could deal with angsty decorations for the night, so long as this place could be safe from creeps. He took out his secret weapon from his backpack, something he secretly bought behind his aunt’s back with his babysitting money, the one item that made him feel secure in a home. He pulled out the security bar, locked Virgil’s door, and placed it under the door handle. Even if someone undid the lock, they wouldn’t be able to sneak inside while he was sleeping.

Roman’s heart calmed down a little for the first time in weeks. Even if it wasn’t much, he felt safe, maybe even safe enough to get some rest for once. Roman crawled into Virgil’s bed, covering himself in his very tasteful Jack Skellington covers, and tried to rest.

Roman’s hands still shook, and his head felt funny, but he eventually drifted off into a light sleep full of anxiety and nightmares.

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be-gay-do-heists · 3 years

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OKAY finally finished with eliot hand pain hurt/comfort fic, and i couldn’t actually decide whether i preferred it in second or third person POV. this is the version with the third person POV, otherwise nothing is different from the other version !

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Contrary to what the four crazy people he spent his time risking his life for nowadays thought, Eliot didn’t like the pain.

There was nothing cleansing about it, nothing satisfactory. A ringing hit to his jaw didn’t feel like penance. The actual protection aspect was a different story. Standing like a wall between your people and danger, there was nothing that made Eliot’s ribs ache with pleasure like that; a wall didn’t feel, didn’t think, it was just an immutable fact. He was an immutable fact. The problem was that the wall-as-Eliot, or perhaps the Eliot-as-wall, had to become human again sometime after the last man went down and the last dollar bill was stuffed into a duffel. To hurt was human, and not just to hurt but to remember the wound long, long after, for it to live in your knees and wrists and between the vertebrae in your spine. Some days— and this was a product of how long after a job it had been, how hard he had pushed—some days were worse than others. The fact that some days the first sound out of his mouth wasn’t even a groan, but a whine, or worse the half-awake pleading for please please make it stop i’ll do anything just make it stop—

No, Eliot didn’t like the pain.

Comparatively, today was a good day. Today, he could get out of bed. His head and body were blessedly in agreement that it was in his best interests to swing his twinging knees to the side of the mattress, push himself up onto legs that were sore but stable, with arms that shook only slightly. But compared to Eliot’s best days, the ones where except for the old shoulder injury which would never let him forget it and the scar on his hip that put a falter in his giddy-up in all kinds of weather, the days on which except for those he sometimes even forgot the pain, this didn’t hold a candle. Today his hands were so beat and weak that the ache radiated up to his mid-forearm, settled into him all familiar-like and made its home in him.

In the bathroom, Eliot used his wrist to turn on the faucet and stuck his mouth under the water to drink. Holding a cup was off the agenda. His morning routine was interspersed with winces, not unusual for his post-job bathroom adventures, and if it took Eliot longer to shimmy on the sweats he knew he wouldn’t be getting out of today, it made him appreciate the comfort of wearing them a little more.

Going handless was fine until he was face to face with the fridge, and resisting the urge to growl at it, like that would solve anything. Taking a deep breath, he put a hand on the stainless steel handle, testing his grip. A light flex had Eliot drawing it back like the metal had burned him, like someone had snapped a tight clothespin onto each ligament. He took a moment to pace a couple steps, let out a loud but cathartic expletive, and then wedge his hand between the handle and the door so he could open the fridge with his elbow strength. The feeling of triumph behind his collarbone faded quickly as the hitter scanned its contents and realized there was nothing he wanted to eat, or at least nothing he wanted to hold and eat. The thought of grasping a fork brought another growl to his throat, and he slammed the fridge door to stomp to the couch and throw himself down, cradling his hands in his lap.

Eliot knew the drill: in an hour, he would grit his teeth and get to up to try and fumble open his bottle of painkillers, and if he succeeded, he would wait another hour for them to truly kick in so he could handle the tv remote, put on whatever game was on, and vegetate on the couch until further notice. The phone he had left on the nightstand rang loudly, fully audible from the other room, blaring out the chorus to “Macho Man” that Hardison had put as his ringtone and Eliot hadn’t figured out how to get rid of yet. If it was important, whoever it was would call again, so he ignored it. His ire rose when the same noise sang out from the bedroom a couple minutes later, a bit-off groan escaping from his clenched teeth as he levered himself up to get to it as fast as he could, awkwardly accepting the call and maneuvering the phone between his shoulder and ear. “What?”

“Man, we haven’t heard from you since we split yesterday, I thought we were gonna get a beer downstairs last night?”

He rubbed his eyes with his wrist, frustrated that he had forgotten he was supposed to get together with Hardison the night before. Getting home, washing the sweat and blood off, and falling into bed had seemed like the only goal in his mind. “Look, sorry, I’ve been busy. And if this ain’t important, you—“

“Bullshit. Absolute bullshit, you’re using your tough-guy, bullshit voice. And you actually apologized, so something is double wrong.”

Eliot snarled. “I don’t have— Hardison, I don’t know what you’re talking about, just leave me alone.”

“Too late, we’re already at your place.”

Before he could open his mouth, his doorbell rang, drawing a groan from him. If he was correct about who the “we” was, it seemed silly to even ring it. His suspicions were confirmed thirty seconds later as the door clicked open anyways and Parker and Hardison came in, having the decency to at least look slightly sheepish. Eliot had already moved back to the couch, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. “Make yourself at home, why don’t you,” he growled.

“Excuse us for being worried about your wellbeing, Mr. Suffer-In-Silence,” Hardison scoffed.

Parker leapt onto the couch cushion next to him. “We thought you might have been captured by ninjas.”

“You would know if I had been captured by ninjas,” Eliot muttered. “It’s a very dis— look, you’ve seen that I’m not kidnapped, it’s our day off, can you please leave and let me rest.”

“You still owe us a hangout from last night!” Parker chirped. “Don’t worry, we won’t stay long.” She vaulted back over the couch to go rummage through his snack cabinets, getting into the granola bin by the sound of it. Eliot made a note to restock it before she came back next.

When he next opened his eyes, Hardison was lightly sitting on his coffee table, looking at the hands still resting in the hitter’s lap. “What’s up with your hands, Eliot?”

Eliot’s first instinct was to deflect. He trusted his team, sure, but this was different. They weren’t supposed to know that he had these days. That he wasn’t invulnerable. “Nothing’s wrong with them, stop sitting on my coffee table.”

“Mhm mhm, sure,” Hardison said. “Go like this for me?” He wiggled his fingers in a “hey sailor” kind of fashion. Before Eliot could tell him just what he thought about that, Parker’s ponytail swung into the side of his face, the thief reaching down to poke one of his hands faster than he could stop her.

By the time Eliot was able to refocus and pull himself back from the whiteout of pain, Parker and Hardison were looking at him with open concern, the hacker leaning back slightly, a little pale. Eliot thought he might have howled; he wasn’t sure. Both his hands were clenched tightly to his chest, wrists together, arms outward, wishbone shaped. He felt just as brittle as one, with their stares on him. He summoned the anger from his throat, the only weapon at his disposal (only half-expecting that it would work, always defenseless when it came to their prodding).

“Can you leave me the hell alone now?”

Hardison looked at him, taking his time formulating his thoughts, but it was Parker who spoke. “Nope.” Eliot turned to her where she was perched on the couch. “You get hurt taking care of us. Now you let us take care of you.”

Eliot looked at Hardison pleadingly, hoping he at least would take pity on him and let him wallow by himself. The hitter wanted to hide like the trap-escaped, half-dead badger whose den he had accidentally put his foot into half a lifetime ago in the Italian Alps, earning him an earful of hissing that scared the shit out of him. He wondered if he seemed as belligerent as that now.

Hardison just shrugged and smiled gently. “Hey, you heard the woman.” He leaned forward slightly, just enough in Eliot’s space to let him feel his warm presence without crowding. “Couldn’t get rid of us if you tried.”

He didn’t want to try, was the thing. It was only that it wasn’t their job to take care of him. It was his to take care of them. They just seemed to be wholly unaware of this.

“You taken anything for those yet?” Hardison asked, pointing at his hands. He hummed at Eliot’s slight head shake. “Thought so. Which ones?”

“White bottle, red pills. Only need a half,” Eliot mumbled, slouching. Parker was already up and heading to the bathroom.

“We need to get something you can actually open when this happens, some kind of spring-loaded catch maybe,” Hardison mused. “Alright, let me see them.” He patted his legs, frowning at Eliot’s growl. “C’mon, none of that. I know they hurt, I’ll be really, really gentle. I won’t even touch without asking.”

Eliot looked him in the eye for the sincerity he already knew would be there, the eagerness to help that (damn him) was one of his favorite traits of Hardison’s. Hesitantly, he extended his hands, rolling his eyes at the hacker scooting forward to offer his knees to rest them on.

“I assume you got antiseptic and ointment on these knuckles already, so totally disregarding those, even though it sucks. Nothing broken?”

“No, just. Aches. Like a son of a bitch. Can’t make a damn fist. Happens sometimes.”

Parker bounded back in, armed with a glass of water and half a pill in her open hand. “So no jobs for a while. Easy, I’ll tell Nate. Open up.” With a scowl, Eliot took the medication from her fingers with his teeth (gently, gently), and let her raise the glass to his lips, nearly choking as she tipped it a little eagerly, and choking for real when Hardison said, “Whoa, woman, let him swallow.”

“It’s not just the last job, Park, it’s jobs two years ago, or five, or ten,” Eliot managed, once he had his breath back. “Part of the package that comes with the lifestyle. It just happens sometimes, don’t matter what schedule we’re on.”

She frowned. “Still. We shouldn’t be doing jobs if you’re hurt. Nate should know that.”

Hardison leaned forward a little more while he was distracted trying to find the right response to that, that they wouldn’t be doing any jobs at all if that were the case, that Nate trusted him to get the job done no matter what, reaching out to his forearm and stopping just a hair’s breadth shy of touching. The hitter froze, and Hardison did too, meeting his eyes. “It’s ok. I’m just trying something out. Is it alright if I touch you here?” At his tiniest of nods, the hacker placed his fingertips on his arm, rubbing circles so lightly that Eliot almost couldn’t feel it. “Let me know where it starts to hurt, okay?” Hardison applied the slightest pressure as he added his other hand and lightly started rubbing down his forearm. When he got to his wrist, Eliot couldn’t help the strangled noise that partly escaped through his nose, high and strained. Hardison moved away from there immediately, going back to tracing soothing, gentle patterns. “You’re ok, you’re ok. I can work with this, no problem. Where do you keep your hot pads, man?”

“Bathroom, lower right drawer,” Eliot grit out. Parker was zipping off to get it and warm it up before he could even process. Hardison applied a little more pressure with his fingertips, rubbing the meat of his forearm. Eliot breathed out long and slow at how good it felt once the initial ache had ebbed.

“I want to try giving you a hand massage, but I don’t wanna hurt you more than it would help,” Hardison said, pausing slightly. “You up for it? I’m not gonna pressure you either way.”

Eliot’s thoughts stuttered, and then bolted in different directions. The feeling that he didn’t deserve this, that this was too much to ask, which had been simmering this whole time leapt to life again. It joined with the wounded, snarling animal part of him that still wanted to hide, burrow down with the covers over his head until his pain faded into the muted background noise of the world. He didn’t even know if a hand massage would work, might make the pain worse.

But it might be nice, a small, hopeful part of him murmured. Eliot couldn’t remember the last time he had been offered something like this, let alone the last time he had taken the person up. If there was anyone he trusted to do it, if there was anyone he wanted to receive it from, it was these two. How could he refuse them even he wasn’t fully on board with what they were suggesting?

“Sure, just…” Eliot said as Parker returned with the hot pad, pausing from tossing it hand to hand like a hot potato to fix her stare on him. He licked his lips, swallowed around a dry throat. “Just be gentle.”

“I will,” Hardison said earnestly, taking the hot pad from Parker to gently maneuver it under Eliot’s hands, resting on his knees. Eliot tensed slightly as the thief leapt up onto the back of the couch, perching above his head, but otherwise relaxed as the warmth of the hot pad started to loosen the ache in his hands. Hardison started where he had before, applying the slightest pressure to the hitter’s forearm. Parker ran her fingertips lightly through his hair, humming.

“Your hair is kinda wonky,” she said, fingers catching on a tangle. Eliot winced.

“That’s what happens when you go to bed without brushing it properly, you know that,” he grumbled, breath hitching as her fingertips grazed his scalp. His breath stuttered again as Hardison’s hands started working towards the sore meat of his wrist. Eliot’s hand began to shake.

“It’s ok baby, I got you,” Hardison murmured under his breath, more soothing sound than words. Eliot cracked open an eye to see him looking between his hands and his phone, playing a video where it was propped on his thigh.

“Man, are you watching hand massage tutorials right now?” he gritted out, doing a poor job of masking his genuine amusement with frustrated disbelief.

The hacker tapped his index finger against Eliot’s arm lightly. “I’ve been watching videos dude; think you’re so slick, tryna hide your hand pain from me. I just wanna make sure I get it right in real time.”

Parker’s fingers running through Eliot’s hair more boldly silenced any follow-up thoughts he had, mind going fuzzy with how good it felt. Without thinking, he insistently pushed his head up further into her touch, making her laugh. The sound reverberated in his chest, leaving him longing to hear it again. Instead a half-whine left his throat as Hardison probed the bottom of Eliot’s palm, the ache drawing him back to full awareness.

The hacker backed off for a moment. “Sorry, sorry. You still cool to keep going?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Eliot breathed shakily.

“Just tell me if there’s anyplace else that needs to be handled more delicately, or you don’t want me going at all,” Hardison said, putting his clever hands to Eliot’s again and taking up his gentle, slow pace. Parker’s fingers had paused in his hair a second, but went back to running through it again, scratching his scalp on every other pass.

Slowly, slowly, the vice of pain on Eliot’s hands started to dissipate, bone by bone, finger by finger. He don’t know how long he sat there in a haze, as Hardison and Parker patiently touched him, fixated on the single task of caring for him. The thought made the tender space behind his breastbone twinge. When he surfaced from the half-asleep contentment of their efforts, the television was on, Star Trek playing at the lowest volume. Eliot grunted, lifting his head from the couch to look at the two of them sitting beside him, grinning at his movements. Hardison’s warm hand was still in his, but instead of massaging he was just holding it softly.

“Hey sleepy,” teased Parker, throwing herself over Hardison to get closer and forcing an “Oof!” out of him.

Eliot looked down to his hands, flexing one experimentally, in disbelief at how the ache had faded to an almost imperceptible hum. With the other he tightened his fingers around Hardison’s hand, moving his thumb lightly over his.

“Hey,” Eliot simply said back, a real smile rising to his lips.

#leverage #miko speaks #fic #my fic #ot3 #check og post for more notes

158 notes · View notes

bumblesimagines · 3 years

Text

Forgotten Fairytale

Part 2

Request: Yes or No

I'm not afraid of this series not becoming as well loved as Green Thumb and I don't expect it to be popular. I've had the idea stuck in my head for a while and I'm getting it all out.

You looked over the artifacts the school had stored. You gave a small scoff, shaking your head as you noticed things that didn’t belong in a school.

“They call us thieves and hoarders yet half this shit was stolen off a corpse.” You muttered, stopping in front of a glass case protecting a sword.

“I wouldn’t suggest stealing that. It’ll be obvious.” You turned towards the redhead, sighing and tilting your head as she walked towards you.

“You’re a pain in the ass.” You looked back at the sword, eyes raking over it.

“You know what this is?” You asked. Hope stood beside you, looking down at the sword. She shook her head, pursing her lips slightly.

“A man named Lord Jameson Wraith owned this sword. He was… a hunter of sorts and specialized in killing dragons. When he stabbed this through the chest of a dragon, the sword would light up and the dragon would burn from the inside. A gruesome, slow death. We were hunted like all others but it wasn’t just to protect humans. We were hunted for our meat, our teeth, and our scales. Humans declared war on us and when we fought back, we were erased from everyone's minds and deemed fairy tales where we continue to be killed by a so-called knight.” You explained, running your finger over the glass.

“Some dragons were able to survive Malivore but as soon as they shifted… They were taken. They disappeared and left no trace.” You turned to look at Hope. The redhead stayed silent, a frown etched on her face.

“I’m sorry you lost your father. We’re working on finding Malivore and when we do, there’s a chance you’ll be able to see your father again.” Hope said softly, gaze still trained on the sword.

“Where’s your mother? Alaric mentioned she was a vampire.”

“I was never able to meet her but.. I believe she’s dead.” You walked around the case, looking back up at Hope. You locked eyes with her, hearing her clear her throat.

“I’m sure she would’ve wanted to be in your life.” Hope offered a small smile, nails gently tapping against the case.

“Are you being nice to me cause you need to find out more about me?” You asked, head tilting. Hope cocked a brow, eyes rolling as she turned away from you.

“Alaric really doesn’t trust me, does he?”

“He trusts you more than I do, that’s for sure. It’s just too much of a coincidence for you, a dragon, to show up when we’re dealing with monster after monster. If it weren’t for Alaric, I would’ve already done a spell on you.” Hope said as she walked around the room, features hard and serious.

“A little witch spell wouldn’t work on me. You haven’t been trained to deal with dragons. If I was really one of those monsters, why didn’t I burn the building down and search for whatever it is that you have?” You asked curiously. Hope didn’t answer, thinking for a moment.

“Because you’d need to know if it was hidden.”

“Alaric asked if I felt a pull to this place. I suppose that means I would feel a pull towards the artifact, right?” You slowly walked towards her, a soft chuckle leaving you.

“You can kick and scream all you want, Red. I’m here to stay, whether you like it or not.” You reached out, twirling a strand of her red hair around your finger. Hope grabbed your wrist, pushing your hand away.

“You’re up to something and I’m gonna figure out what it is.” Hope sneered, eyes narrowed. She turned around, walking towards the doors. She almost bumped into a man on her way out, quietly apologizing before moving past him. The man entered the room, clasping his hands together.

“I’m Dorian Williams, the liberian and occasional substitute teacher.” Dorian introduced himself, finding a table and taking a seat. He motioned for you to sit across from him. You did so, taking a seat and crossing your arms as you eyed him.

“I’m gonna be honest with you, (Y/N). I do have some suspicions that you might be after the artifact but.. You’re a kid. A kid who lost their father and wants answers. I’m not here to interrogate you about your intentions.” Dorian explained, leaning back in his seat with his arms crossed.

“Do the other students know what I am?”

“News spread like wildfire here, especially amongst the students so.. Yes, most likely. I can assure you that you’ll be treated like any other student-”

“So, Hope goes around telling every student she’s gonna figure out what they’re up to? No wonder she’s not popular.” Dorian let out a small laugh, shaking his head.

“I promise Hope isn’t always like that. The monster problem we’ve been having has everyone on edge. Do.. Do you know anything about Malivore?” Dorian asked, sitting up and leaning forward.

“I thought you weren’t gonna interrogate me.” You tilted your head, brow cocked. Dorian hummed softly, nodding.

“Alright, we can talk about something else. The neck is a dragon's soft spot, right?”

“Depends.” You answered, licking your lips as you reached up to touch your necklace.

“If a dragon is older and stronger, a hit to the neck isn’t gonna hurt them much. It might piss them off and they could lose their ability to speak or even stop them from breathing fire cause it’ll hurt to do so. We can still kill someone by stepping on them or snacking on them. We were on the top of the fucking food chain and humans just couldn’t deal with that.”

“I’m not your enemy, (Y/N). I want to believe I can trust you. You’re a child and like all children, you need guidance. I see a lot of rage built up inside you. I can tell from the way you interacted with Hope and from what I heard. Landon and Rafael aren’t your enemies. They’re new and they have a rough past. The first dragon they met wanted to burn them into a pile of ashes so.. I’d say they’re being pretty welcoming.” Dorian held a soft yet stern gaze. It was obvious that he sympathized with you but at the same time, he wasn’t gonna deal with an attitude.

“Tell me about your father. What was he like?” Dorian asked softly. Your gaze dropped to the table, fingers squeezing around the key.

“I’d appreciate it if everyone could stop talking about him as if he’s dead.” You breathed out, standing up abruptly as your eyes began to sting from tears.

“I don’t need to be welcomed into this school. I’ve been to high school before, I’m not some little kid whose hand needs to be held.” You walked out of the room, heading back to your dorm room. You entered the dorm, shutting the door behind you. You sniffled softly, walking towards the window and opening it. You stepped out, taking a seat on the roof. You brought your knees up to your chest, feeling the wind gently hitting your face.

“The key to food is passion, remember that (Y/N).”

“I thought it was seasoning.” You grinned as you watched your father cook. He hummed, nodding with a chuckle.

“It is but food from a chef who feels no passion for it will taste bland and bitter. It’s the same with any other job. If you hate it, it’ll show and you’ll only hurt yourself. That’s why I always tell you to look for things you’re interested in.” (F/N) said, handing you a wooden spoon so you could help with stirring the soup.

“What was mom passionate about?”

“Your mother was.. She was a hurricane.” He began, sighing deeply. “She destroyed everything in her path and took down anyone in her way. Not many people have fond memories of her but I saw the good in her. I didn’t love her romantically but I considered her a good friend of mine. I’ll always be grateful to her for giving me the best gift a man could ever have.” You smiled widely, chuckling softly and rolling your eyes. (F/N) smiled softly, leaning over and pressing a kiss to your temple.

“No treasure could ever compare to you.”

You bit your bottom lip, letting out a shaky sigh. You weren't used to being alone. Your father had always been there to back you up, to support you, and to provide comfort when you needed it.

“Christ, pull yourself together. You come from dragons and a psycho vampire.” You mumbled, carefully going back inside. You picked up the phone, turning it on and waiting for it to power on completely. You responded to a text, watching a call pop up. You clicked the green button and held the phone up to your ear.

“I thought you said it was stupid to be in contact.” You took a seat on the bed.

“Yeah, well, I was expecting you to be back by now. You do know your fathers return lies in your hands, right? Only I can help you get him back but I’ll only do that if you give me what I need.”

“I have a plan-”

“Speed up that plan before I change my mind, (Y/N). While you were on your way to the school, I bumped into some of your new friends. They were a redhead and an older man. I believe the girl went by the name Jessica but I doubt it was her real name.” You let out a deep sigh, head tilting upwards. Hope Mikaelson was gonna be a real pain in the ass.

“Yeah, I’ve met the redhead.” You breathed out, dropping your head and pinching the bridge of your nose.

“I just need you to relax, Ryan. I’ve got it handled but I really don’t need you fucking things up for me. You just keep up your end of the deal and I’ll keep up mine. You might be able to save my father but I can also keep you from helping yours.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a fact. Don’t bother me again unless it’s an emergency.” You pulled the phone away from your ear despite Ryan continuing to talk. You hung up and tossed the phone to the side, burying your face in your hands.

“Am I paying for my mothers crimes?” You whispered. You flinched when you heard two knocks on the door, standing up and approaching it. You opened the door, staring at Josie.

“What do you want, baby face?” You asked with a frown, looking down at the ice cream tub in her hands. Josie’s brows furrowed at the nickname but she ignored it, choosing to raise the tub.

“I.. I kind of eavesdropped on you and Dorian and saw you rush out. Ice cream always makes me feel better when I’m feeling down, so I brought you some.” Josie shrugged lightly. You blinked, opening your mouth but nothing came out.

“If you don’t like ice cream then I could see if-”

“Thanks.” You cut her off, watching her relax and give a small smile. Josie nodded, perking up when you stepped aside so she could enter. Josie looked around the room, humming.

“If you want, we could go shopping for some decorations tomorrow after school.” Josie said, moving one hand under her skirt as she sat down. You nodded, taking a seat beside her and subtly turning the phone off. Josie opened the lid of the tub, handing you a spoon and giving a small shy smile.

“Well, Welcome to Salvatore School. I’m pretty sure dad is still figuring out your class schedule.”

“Dad?”

“Oh, uhm, the headmaster is my dad.” Josie shrugged, digging her spoon into the ice cream. Your brows raised, a small smile spreading across your face.

“Really? You look nothing like him.. Which is a big compliment.” You grinned as Josie let out a soft giggle. Things were definitely starting to look up.

#x reader #x you #x y/n #x male reader #x male!reader #legacies x reader #legacies x you #legacies #legacies x y/n #legacies x male reader #hope mikaelson #josie saltzman #lizzie saltzman #milton greasley #alaric saltzman #landon kirby #rafael waithe

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