#life just aches sometimes

[itspileofgoodthings]

Gosh not to whine because there is so much that is good and so much that was/is necessary and there’s so much that is right on the cusp of blooming but … I am still grieving not living at home. And that’s exactly what it is that I miss, without wanting to undo this move or regretting it because I wouldn’t undo it and I don’t regret it. I don’t live there anymore. The deep patterns of life that were a part of the home when we did live there are gone, broken irrevocably even though there is nothing at all tragic about what has happened and even though the breaking was probably (is) a step forward. And I just have to let that exist and let it be and just be sad about it sometimes. And just look the grief in the face and let it sit at my kitchen table, metaphorically. Because it’s there and it hurts.

#I’m really not romanticizing this. it was time. #especially with Nina going #I think me not going would have been a million times worse #and things were HARD. there was not the space I needed to be okay #it was weighing on me and wearing on me in ways I’d just gotten used to but also we’re getting increasingly heavier #so I know 100% that this grief is so much lighter and ultimately closer to happiness than my other choices could have promised #but it is still grief. #idk I’m rambling I just needed to say it #just —/////—-/////———-/wages earned and lessons learned but I’m right where you left me #you know? #just a little bit. just for now #it’ll pass no doubt sooner than [ expected ] to paraphrase Mr. Bennet #life just aches sometimes #and it’s fairly gentle in the realm of grief #this is not attacking my soul with an bare machete #just pulling up roots and feeling the empty spaces fill with rain and gutter water #sorry this is teetering on maudlin if not already there

[shivunin]

Hi, I just wondered what your favourite part of the Fenhawke romance was? Like, a scene/moment that really made you fall more in love with him? I love your writing so much!!

Oh, that is very kind of you to say! 💗I'm glad you enjoy the things I've written. I've really been enjoying writing for this ship, especially the past few months c:

As for your question...

Man, that's tough. I have a hard time picking one thing---I mean, *gestures to all the fic* you know? But I can narrow it down to a couple of scenes/elements:

The fact that a romanced Fenris still calls you "my friend" even after the act 2 romance scene. This is just...the bedrock of their relationship to me. Yes, that night went very poorly (understatement, I know), but at the core they are friends and he trusts Hawke in a way he's likely never had the cause or opportunity to trust someone before. I believe he never stopped loving Hawke, and it was a matter of laying those feelings out and understanding them one at a time. Romantic love not replacing platonic love or eclipsing it, but building or twining together is just... *chef's kiss* that's the good stuff.

The moment during the romance conversation in Act 3 when you can see Fenris go from hoping (painfully hoping!) that there is still some way he and Hawke can be together to actually believing it will happen. There is a shift in his body language that I could watch (and...have) over and over.

The element of choice? This is not going to be coherent, but the fact that he is learning for the first time what it means to have options and preferences, and he spends a lot of time exploring and understanding himself...and after all of that, the thing he keeps coming back to is Hawke. I think it's gorgeous. A song with refrains of pain or fear and choruses of decision and hope. He's loyal to a fault, in many ways, but understanding how much of himself exists to share and then still choosing to share it is just...man. I said this wasn't going to be coherent lol, so there you are. "If there is a future to be had..." like he doubts its existence but he's willing to chance it for Hawke. Man.

But, honestly? I've played DA2 a lot of times and never romanced another character, even though I've played through multiple romance storylines in each of the other games. I can't shake the Fenris romance. Every time I open a new playthrough, I tell myself that this is the time I'm going to romance Isabela, and every time Fenris rips that dude's heart out and I just......alright, yeah. Okay. Here we go again.

#and okay yeah one more thing actually #when he is like 🥺 at hawke after he kills danarius and hawke says he isn't alone #i know people joke about it but it's about the capacity for immense violence and aching tenderness #the parallel of meeting him when he rips some guy's heart out and him being finally free to make a life for himself after the same #it's about the cycles. the repeating story #and now he is truly not hunted anymore and he can make some kind of home #could i pull this into a more coherent analysis? probably yes #but here it is nonetheless #i *do* love him actually. he is just so very himself. unbending and harsh as it is sometimes he is always himself #long post #da2 #fenris #ask response #goodness this wound up longer than i'd expected #thank you for giving me an excuse to ramble anon 💗 #i hate that the tl;dr of it all is just 'fenris being fenris' but. i am a simple woman

[jinxofthedesert]

I recently got out of a toxic and unhealthy friendship on here. I had to be the one to end it; hopefully the other party decides to leave it be and not smear my name due to realizing it wasn't healthy and that I had to end it because of it.

Basically, if someone makes you start feeling like shit, from your life, to your goals, passion, and everything else, then it's not a rewarding friendship. And it's hard to sometimes see it in the moment. Because you want to think the best of peeps, especially ones you care about.

But sometimes the healthiest thing for You is to know when to put your foot down and end it, even if it hurts you and them. At the end of the day, you matter and what you're doing matters and no one has the right to make you feel shit for who you are when you're just living your life. Life is hard enough without adding peeps who make you feel that way or question how you live when, prior to them showing up, you were happy with all of it.

To anyone in a relationship or friendship like that, I hope, like me, you are able to take a stand and realize you deserve better.

I knew I was being manipulated but not how much until I talked to others close to me. I pray you all never have to experience such a thing because damn, you know you did the right thing, but feel so fucking guilty at the same time.

But your happiness matters. You matter. Please remember that.

#personal #me #had to make a post. it's been eating at me since I ended it #you feel so fucking guilty but know it was the right decision. #i feel happier and lighter #its weird cause I've met my closet friends on here who are so incredible and supportive and respectful and I am in return #so to have one spiral into....that....was hard. and hard to realize despite my stomach aching day after day trying to tell me that #this was a shit situation and I deserved better #if someone makes you feel like shit and makes you believe you deserve to feel that way: leave #just leave #block them #life is to damn short to share it with people who will only make it worse and and make you feel bad as a person #i have more self respect than that #and sometimes it's hard to tell cause I want peeps to get along and have a good time when I care for them #i like making peeps happy. it brings me joy. and I tend to do it naturally without thinking. #so it's hard to sometimes see when it's not healthy #i pray for anyone in a relationship/friendship like this #know you are worth it and no one has the right to make you feel like that. #when someone doesn't respect that you have a life and can't be there 24/7 and take it Personally when you can't....like no #I've had so many friendships on here that respect your time and realize messaging comes second maybe even third or fourth #and it sucks when the opposite happens and it just gets worse and worse. #And them using 'i used to be a therapist so I know you better then yourself' should never be an excuse for them putting you down EVER.

[sciderman]

i relate to peter parker because i’ve had six crushes this year alone

damn son save some for the rest of us!!

#sci speaks #i think i've only ever had one crush in my life. wilding. i wish i fell in love easier. it feels wonderful. #oh the people with hyperactive hearts... #i wish i had felt this way at some point when i was younger. it kind of felt like my heart wasn't fully developed yet. #holds my heart in my hands. why were you such a late bloomer. why didn't you feel more things earlier on. #i'm kind of sad that i didn't have teenage crushes or anything. i feel like i missed out. #is it because nobody around me was appealing. or is it because i was too busy on my own planet. #i think i wasn't really close with a lot of people when i was younger. i kind of never came out of my shell. #so nobody got close enough to me for me to like them. #not that it's necessarily how it works. but it takes a lot for me to get there with somebody i think. #i think a lot of the relationships i've been in i'm still To This Day not even sure if i actually liked them back in that way. #squeezes my heart in my hand. why are you so fussy. #i wish i had more experiences under my belt. i really do. but also i don't want to be in situations that are uncomfortable either. #and i don't want to just be there for the sake of it. #lies on the floor and stares at the ceiling. i don't know what i want. #is love the answer? #i don't know. sometimes i want it more than anything. but it's such a ball-ache to get. sometimes you think you're better off without it. #i wish i knew what i wanted. i think i just want to be brave enough to find out. #why do i ramble so much in my tags. it's like tumblr is my therapist or something. #i'm feeling weird about myself lately. just kind of a little tired. i don't feel bad. but kind of perpetually low-energy. #like i never have the time to do things that make me happy. and when i do get the time i don't have the energy. #is this what it's like to live in this world. i need like. a year's break from work. i think. #i need like a year-long vacation. i need a gap year. i need a year to live life. #i wonder if it's financially viable. i think i'd eat through everything i have if i did that. but. #you can get money back. you can't get your time back.

[mean-scarlet-deceiver]

Askbox time

Assuming that Nobby has seen Edward in preservation (post 1963 rebuild) (I think it was '63), what are his opinions on Edward being rebuilt into something not-so-Furness?

tl;dr: Nobby's just glad Edward is still alive, thank you — though he knows he has to pretend to give a damn about this sort of thing

The Awdry’s explanation for Edward does not come down to a single rebuild but to numerous modifications over the past, erm (checks notes) century or so. Some of these rebuilds would have been more extensive than others but it’s not clear to me that the one after the crankpin failure would have been one where they made the biggest alterations to his design.

I am sure that some significant rebuilding took place between 1920 and 1941. So Nobby already saw the beginnings of the Edwardification of 34 before he left Barrow. 

Life is change. Most of Nobby’s own working career was before Mr Pettigrew brought standardisation to the F.R., he knows how it goes. 

And, like, look, Nobby knows that when visitors come and say anything along the lines of oh if only so-and-so was still in their original form (and they do mention the Edward case to him of course, quite a lot), his job is to make vague sympathetic noises and to be sure to sound genial rather than biting if he observes that the world already has a preserved Sharp and Stewart passenger engine, you can go visit him any time, oh yes, I’m told the Dutch take very good care of him...

Incidentally, Nobby was sceptical about the project to rebuild 20 to his original form. May have kinda definitely been polite, diplomatic conversations with earnest representatives of the newly-formed Furness Railway Trust that boiled down to Nobby being like ‘Ya can’t bring back the past, shit don’t work like that’ and the FRT blokes being like ‘lol wut, nah bro, if you throw enough money at it you totally can — relax, we’ll show you.’

(At the risk of spoilers… the attitude of both parties proved justified in the end.) 

#chatter #coppernob things #ttte edward #fr 20 #furness engines #thank you for the question! #nobby can live all right without ever seeing the shape of a seagull again #between you and me though #what he does feel the aching absence of sometimes if he's in edward's company #is seagull laughter #that's gone... 34 doesn't laugh like *that* now #but even if he did #you'd need at least two probably three of them before you really heard the sound the way it's meant to sound #nobby spent decades bitching about seagulls but once those squawky outbursts of group laughter were silenced forever... #the absence nearly drove him mad #and it's *that* loss that sometimes has caused him to look at modern edward and feel the hollow sense that this is a stranger #that's a grief that would not be soothed if edward were still in sharp and stewart form — if anything that would make the grief worse #i'm whispering this in tags because it's not something to ever be SAID #this is an old bit of sadness you just carry unspoken in your boiler for the rest of your life (: #— hot tips on emotional health by nobby™

[caffeinatedopossum]

I am once again missing people so much that my heart aches

#its been like 2-3 years since ive seen them and i still cant get over seeing pictures of them with their friends and im just #not there... #even pictures from the times we lived together. i just wasnt there #i wasnt there for them at all. i was living life like a ghost #i barely left my room #i could never go with them to concerts or restaurants or anything because they knew id get overwhelmed because of my autism and chronic pain #so i just... never got invited anywhere. that still happens now #makes my life feels so painfully empty sometimes #theres so much i want to do. so much i wanted to do #none of the people i miss are dead so why does it still hurt so much? i could talk to them again if i wanted #... but i really can't. i really can't #it wont be the same. we'll still never reconnect. it hurts so much my heart physically aches #i wonder if they ever think about me

[flyingwea]

FUCKK MY LIFE A SPANISH SPEAKER YOUTUBER I LIKE AND BEEN WATCHING FOR A VERY LONG TIME SAID SOMETHING ABOUT DREAM NOOOOOOO

#she didn't even bring him up on her own it was the fucking chat 😭😭😭 #and I'm here with my sims!dream deciding what haircut makes him look more puppy #AND IT'S THE GIRL I COMPARED TO DREAM BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAVE STUPID BAKA LIFES WHERE SHIT JUST HAPPENS TO THEM AND GET CANCELLED CONSTANTLY #AND ARE BOTH AUTISCTIT AND- whatever man 🚶🏻‍♂️ #I will ignore itthis time because the vod is kind of old and she has never talked about himand doesn't seem like she will evr talk about hi #sometimes I think I'm not parasocial and then I get drummy aches at the mere mention of him literally fight or flight response #rant #< i guess idk #I'll better go watch something else for now 😔 #AND THEY BOTH ARE ALSO QUEER

[orcelito]

Still not used to how damn easy it is to make me cry anytime anything dad related is mentioned

It's like a specific trigger that is all over everywhere. Ah well. Such is life.

#speculation nation #not like every mention of a dad does this but if it makes me think about *my* dad. well nonzero chance ill start crying right there. #usually just a few tears. i wasnt even sniffling for this one. #just got punched in the heart and squeezed my eyes shut and what do you know. theres tears now. #stopping as quickly as they started. #and sometimes i see a loving dad in a show hugging his kid(s) and i get just a Deep ache in my chest... #this may or may not just be the entire rest of my life y'all. sigh. #negative/ #i guess. i know all the dead dad talk has got to be rather tiring by now. #but it's been almost 2 months and im still processing. alas. #i'll still be processing for months and months im sure. oh well.

[kittlyns]

A hard pill for me to swallow lately has been that, despite everything, I'm probably the best version of myself that could've existed. And that's not really a comforting thought.

#it's a special kind of doomed imo. #every other path most likely led to something worse #maybe it's pessimistic to think of it that way. maybe I should be more grateful that it isn't worse #but it's hard to find that within me atm #the best of bad outcomes doesn't mean good. it doesn't mean I'm happy. #it just means every other option would have been more miserable. and it's disheartening to think like that ofc #and I know the logic is flawed. but I know myself and even with the advantages I have I'm unable to make anything of myself #had I chosen differently it would only be worse. I'd still be impoverished. I'd still be depressed. #I might just also be stuck in a cult and married w kids in the middle of fucking nowhere wisconsin on top of it all #<- that's the worst case scenario. probably. really hard to say #biggest bullet I've dodged yet tho. completely unintentionally too. #another hard pill to swallow: sometimes the things we want the most WILL ruin your life and it's a blessing when it falls through #unfortunately you don't get to know this until years later #as you watch your ex best friend marry a man almost 2x her age and birth kids she never wanted into this world #and then you're like OHHHH that would've been my fate... I get it now 😐 #still. there's no relief in the realization because while you would've been miserable w a shitty husband and 3 or 4 kids #you are in fact still miserable without them. but oh well. #I would say 'anyways. I just need to go to the beach.' but honestly. I haven't felt the desire to do anything at all lately. #we're past the point of letting the sand and waves heal me. we're almost past the point of needlessly venting online! #there's so much I usually would vent about here but I have hardly had the urge to do so. #I'm just tired. life has drained me dry. my heart aches constantly and I barely know why

[robinson-graves]

it sucks to miss people i cut out of my life. but they still had an impact on me. and though it wasnt all good, i'm still thankful that they had been there when they were. they helped build me into the person i am now.

#sometimes i get pretty sad about not being in contact anymore #but there were reasons that contact had to end. #i wonder if they sometimes wonder how im doing too? do they think of me still? #do the ones that know where i exist on the internet check in on me sometimes? to see if im doing okay? #i consider doing that sometimes. but then tell myself not to cause their life is no longer any of my business. but i wonder. #robin speaks #i dont talk about this with anyone in my circles cause most of them that know the people cut off just jump straight to shittalking #the second a name is dropped #and im tired of people flocking to me *to* shittalk about them. if thats all youre going to talk to me about. just leave me alone instead. #do you not realize how much it ached for me to cut them off? do you not understand my position in this? #like dont get me wrong. i have my own grievances. #but i miss them. even if everyone else now hates them. even if they had hurt me. even if i had resented them too. i miss them. #but i have zero intention of trying to go back to them. again. i had my own reasons to cut them off. and i will stick by that.

[lesbiansanemi]

I don’t often think I’m upset at not having a good relationship with my parents but sometimes it really fucking hits me that I don’t have a good mom I don’t have a dad I’ll never experience having a good parent and someone I can lean on like that and I get… really upset

#I have this coworker who is about my mom’s age #I love her and she’s a wonderful person and she’s such a good parent to her kids #her autistic queer kids and she fights for them and defends them all the time #she values their interests and does things they love with them and supports their choices and jusy #ugh #today she gave me a hug because ‘it’s really seemed like I wasn’t doing okay’ #and ‘I’ve been dealing with a lot of hard things and big life changes which she knows is really hard’ #and I kinda teared up #my own parents don’t even know about everything that has happened with my roommate or the friends I’ve lost this year #I don’t tell them. and I could but it wouldn’t matter #my mother wouldn’t care. she definitely wouldn’t sympathize or give me a hug over it #she wouldn’t comfort me #my dad my try but he lives thousands of miles away #and I love my dad but I didn’t get to know him until I was 17 #I don’t think he’s really like… a dad you know? #he’s more like some weird friend or MAYBE an uncle than anything #which is fine! I think it’s really the best we can do and like I said I do love him and I know he loves me #but it’s still… different than a parent you know? #and sometimes I just ache knowing I don’t get parents… #I don’t get that relationship that so many ppl have that’s so important to them #and it just doesn’t feel fair and makes me feel really sad #I’m glad I’m as independent as I am but even that doesn’t feel fair #I’ve lived on my own since I was 17…. I never should have had to do that anyways…. #and I just feel sad because I got a hug from my coworker that made me want to sob #because it’s like damn… is this a teeny tiny taste of what having an actual good mom is like? #I missed out on so much…. #kaz rambles

[harrykim]

not havin a good one folks ill admit!

#been in pain for at least a month life feels kinda hopeless lol at least four appointments i need to make by the end of month #feeling just super out of it and now my leg starts aching weirdly out of nowhere. whats da point sometimes 😔 #in fun news found my passport and my pic is cuter than i rmbr however it is giving me slight gender problems but shes cute so im ignoring it

[sunnibits]

if whoever created me didn’t want me to be so desperately full of love then they shouldn’t have put so many people around me that are worth loving

#idk what this is I’m just. feeling very full of love and adoration today #I swear I just ache with it sometimes. there’s so much so much. I have so much love to give #I think I have enough for the whole world if anyone ever needs it #there are so many wonderful amazing people in my life and I love them all so fucking much it’s insane

[the-trans-dragon]

Hehehe >:3 got a kissie and some headpats from a pretty girl >:3 muahahahahahaha >:3

#sorenhoots #sometimes i remember that i am living the life that i ached for during lonely years #like i just get to wake up and live my gay little life??? kinda fucking awesome even if many other parts of life are very stressful #im so glad i met my wife who loves me for who i am 🥰🥰🥰🥰 and 😈😈😈 heheh then i met my other partner???? like. i thought my wife made me #the happiest i would ever be and then WOOSH i met ANOTHER person who makes me incredibly happy? i did not know the happiness could DOUBLE. #i figured it was like 0%-100% and my wife made me like 100% of my capacity for happiness and then its like 200% now and im realizing that my #capacity to experience joy and peace isnt static and frankly probably increases steadily over a lifetime as i grow and change and learn to #appreciate things more. anyways im in a content happy lil gay mood this morning :3 #my partner got to visit us recently to help us get emotionally ready for some stressful stuff but now the most stressful parts are done and #now that the stress is fading i am finding so much happiness has been in my chest waiting to burst! it was sooo good to see my partner hehe #and the situation is even cuter because my wifes partner also came to visit and my wifes partner is my partners wife also so like. adorable #symmetry. my partner and my wifes partner have another partner and if you draw out a little diagram of us you will see it is shaped like a #house :3 a square with a triangle on top :3 hehe metamours everywhere :3 super super super wonderful metamours. its literally almost like a #fairy tale to have a polycule??? like?? im so excited to live somewhere that isnt like 9 hours from them. oh my god they also have a cat and #shes the cutest. me and my wife have a cute cat also and we are like 👀👀👀 tenatively anticipating that they will get along 👀👀👀 ive #specifically worked with my cat to help her know how to behave around other cats. my neighbor is retired and does TNR on the local strays #and they get attached to her and hang out in her backyard or her house lol like one snuck in and this was before they had any cats and they #didnt know he snuck in until he hopped onto her bf's chest at night to snuggle up. and hes a big cat and if you felt him drop onto your #chest in the pitch black of night you might absolutely mistake him for a racooon or possom or some other beast. anyways he sneaks into all #the houses down the street apparently and is just kinda like “the retired people down the street”'s cat lol. and daisy would hiss and yowl #out the window at him but i always tried to show her that he is friendly (and give her treats to attempt to tell her 'he isnt a threat. have #a snack. see? if he was a threat then we would not be having snacks.' and eventually he ran into us while i was letting her outside on her #harness and!!! i was absolutely ready to defend either of them from the t #other but they just cautiously sniffed each other and then laid down. it was fascinating to observe. daisy also responds really well yo #to meeting new people :3 though she proved me wrong by hiding from some maitenence ppl recently. but then she met my metamour and was pretty #much instantly like 'oh ok ur family? sounds gok #sounds good.' so thats cute and i hope if we end up in the same house with the other cat in the polci #polycule. well i hope they get along!!! #idk what we would do if they didnt. there are lots of other housing arrangements (like renting a duplex or next-door apartments or #something) but i want them to get along anyways :3 no matter what sort of living arragement works out best. i think theyd be good for each

[pepprs]

beaver gnawing on wood noises

#purrs #delete later #this is gonna be a bad / hard post and i’ll have to delete it. like it feels like in making it im invoking cosmic forces to show me karma or #idk like being an ingrate or whatever. but sometimes i find myself on social media rabbitholes looking at instagram pages of.. women who #like really genuinely appear to be good moms to their kids. and love them for who they are and don’t try to make them anything different. #and who celebrate their quirks and stuff. and even share interests with them at the bare minimum. and it just makes me want to sob. like the #knot in my throat. i shouldn’t do it bc i just hurt myself but it’s like. im so lucky i have a mom and that she provides for me. and i know #there are valid reasons for that being all she can do. but also why can’t she… idk.why can’t she ummm love me. or celebrate me. or find #magic in me. or at the very least accept my humanness and be open to me like giving her feedback on stuff. even tonight at this panel this o #one woman was like yeah my two daughters call me on stuff and im like you’re right. if i called my mom on stuff (and i do) she would give me #the silent treatment (and she has) or eviscerate me (and she has). and people in my work life and on here call me endearing and say all #these things. but it’s like none of it can fill up the absolute aching pulsing void that is… my mom. my mom!!!!! is just a person i live #with anr resent most of the time. who has hurt me so badly. and i could have had a mom who like. let me sing and didn’t mock me for it. #and who came in and said goodnight to me and my sister instead of leaving us to o ur own devices because we’re twins and we had each other. #and 14 years ago today was the day that fully cemented in that she could not be that kind of mom and would never be. and i know she tried so #hard and i know she has been hurt and is still hurting. but i just want to scream. like everyone deserves a mom who loves them for who they #are and shit. and how fucking unfair is it that.. like it sounds so selfish and entitled. b it how fucking unfair is it that i got a mom who #im afraid of and then there are people like fucking… m*lissa err*co and sh*ron wh*atley (those are just the famous ones) who by all #appearances seem to be like.. not only loving but open. seeing their children as human and magic all at once. instead of a war prize and a #symbol of their own hardships or whatever. like it’s just so fucking unfair. i hate that this is the way things are for me and that it will #never change and that if it ever does i have to be the one to change it or i have to heal from it and let go of it. like FUCK that! i want #love from my mom! FUCK the fact that she can’t give it to me!!! she has to!!!!!! but she won’t. idk. delete post <3 #like so genuinely i should not be even typing these words bc god is gonna smite me now lol. but my heart is howling #and the shitty thing is i don’t think i’ll be able to be that kind of mom if i ever become one bc of how badly all of this has hurt me. and #bc of all that i don’t even think i want to become a mom anymore bc i don’t want to be the reason a child feels this way or grows up to.

[mrburnsnuclearpussy]

#all you have to create is something about skinny white men in love and everyone will care about you and them #anything else is just nothing to you ppl lol #what’s the point of trying to be an artist I swear I just wanna give up coz I can’t create enough finished art in general #WHY CANT I DRAW LIKE I DID WHEN I WAS A KID. it felt so easy and now I’m scared to do it for no reason ugh!! #i wish I was interested in the same things as everyone else coz at least then the quality wouldn’t matter and people would care anyway #sorry I know this comes across as really childish and mean and yeh it is I’m just venting #coz sometimes I look at certain popular profiles and stuff and it makes me ache coz I’ll never be a part of the big club where you can feel #love and I’ll never be able to coz I’m just a robot thing with no humanity!!! #even the LITERAL ROBOT is still reduced in the fandom to being shipped like just fuck off all of you #one of my bigger recent passion Roberts is a story and even when I have some motivation and energy I just remember that literally not a sing #single person on earth has any reason to care about it and why should they! so I just feel like crawling into a hole and sulking like a piss #pissbaby which is what I’m doing lol #just because it’s not about young skinny men and the ‘purity/beauty/divinity/superiority of romantic love </3’ and #and YUMMY SQUISHY ORGANIC RED PASSIONATE things because illl never be a part of all of that anyway #I’m not amazing I don’t have the inherent drama and meaningfulness of romantic love in me as a potential so I’m basically nothing #my life means nothing because i can’t feel the one thing that matters #-(one thing that matters according to the world and like all communities and societies and any place to feel like you’re a part of somethin #) #and if your broken (empty of romantic love) like me you’re told to go play by yourself in the corner and not complain that #everyone else gets to be in the group #‘just do your own thing it doesn’t matter what society thinks’ is well meaning and <3 but for me I just hear ‘don’t be a part of us’ #what if I want to be a part of something? what if I want society to know and understand me?