#keep having to remind myself i’m only living in this house for 2 more weeks

[ladykailitha]

If I Rescue You, Will You Rescue Me, Too? Part 4

We finally get to the concert part of all of this. And the start of The Plan.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

*

Steve was in such a hurry to get home and actually shower that he wasn’t watching where he was going and barreled straight into Wayne.

“Oh shit!” he said, bending down to help the man pick up all the books and papers that Steve had knocked to the ground.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured.

Wayne chuckled. “It’s all right, I’d be in a rush to get out of here to if it was me.”

Steve blushed. “The nurse told me that Eddie’s going to have the room to himself now.”

Wayne grinned. “He’d like that. Not having to share with anyone else. Not that he had a problem sharing with you.”

Steve scratched his cheek nervously. “I didn’t mind sharing with him, either.”

Wayne raised an eyebrow. “I would have thought with you used to having everything to yourself that sharing would have chaffed.”

He shrugged. “It gets lonely up in that big house all by myself.”

Wayne pursed his lips but left it alone.

Steve picked up the last paper and looked at it in confusion. “What’s this?” He handed the paper back to Wayne.

Wayne read the flyer. “Oh, it’s that concert Ed was saving up for.” He gave it back to him. “Looks like he won’t be able to go now.”

April 6th. “I mean he could, his doctor said a week if he’s lucky,” Steve murmured.

Wayne shook his head. “He didn’t have all the money to go. That’s why he was so willing to sell to that girl.”

Steve frowned. “That’s too bad.” He held up the flyer. “Do you mind if you I keep this?”

Wayne shook his head. “Go ahead. I don’t think he’d want the reminder that he can’t go now.”

Steve nodded. “I’ll probably be back to visit him later.”

Wayne squeezed his arm. “You do that. I think he’d like that.”

He blushed and went to the patient pick up where Nancy and Robin were waiting for him to take him home.

“Thanks, guys,” Steve mumbled as he slid into the front seat of the Wheelers car.

“You’re welcome,” Nancy said. “I’m just glad it wasn’t more serious.”

“That’s because I had a great nurse,” he teased.

Robin smacked the back of his head. “Why nurse and not doctor?”

“Ow! Robbie!” he protested. “Because doctors don’t do the actual work, nurses do that. Shit, dude.”

Robin paused for a moment. “Yeah, all right.”

Nancy giggled, but stopped when Steve glared at her. She pursed her lips to hide her smile, but Steve saw it anyway.

“What’s a guy got to do get some respect here?” he grumped, sliding down in his seat to sulk.

Even though he was mostly joking, it was something that did bother him. How many lives did he have to save? How many monsters did he have to kill? How many people did he have to protect to get people to see that he had grown since high school?

“Aww...” Robin teased. “We pick on you because we love you.”

He shrugged and grudgingly accepted it, but he was quiet all the ride home. Once Nancy had drove off and Robin had helped him up the stairs to his room, she asked, “Hey, what’s up? We were only teasing in the car.”

Steve shrugged. “It’s not that...” Robin raised a skeptical eyebrow and he sighed. “It’s not entirely about that. I mean it bothers me a little that people still treat me like we’re still in high school, but that’s not what’s upsetting me.”

He sat down on the bed while she rifled through his drawers for clean clothes.

“So what is the problem?” she asked, filing away the high school thing for later.

He pulled the flyer out of his pocket and handed it to her.

“Ozzy Osborne headlining Metallica?” she read out loud. “Wait...why does that sound so familiar?”

“Ozzy is who Eddie compared me to when I ripped that demobat in half,” Steve muttered, “and Metallica is the band that the song he played to distract the bats while we were going after Vecna.”  

Robin sat down on the bed next to him. Hard. “Shit. He was going to go to this, wasn’t he?”

Steve nodded. “He was trying to scrape up enough money to go.”

Her eyes went wide. “Chrissy!”

He hung his head between his hunched shoulders. “I kept thinking all the way home about how it wasn’t fair he was dragged into this nightmare because he wanted to go to some concert.”

She took his hand and squeezed it tight. “I mean, even if we could get the money to buy a ticket for him, there’s no chance his doctors will let him go to a metal concert.”

“I know,” he mumbled, thumbing the ring on her hand. “But part of me wants to try anyway.”

“Go get your shower, dingus,” she said, helping him to his feet. “Maybe you’ll figure it out once your brain isn’t fried.”

Steve nodded and headed into the nearby bathroom. He turned the water as hot as he could stand. He hadn’t gone this long without showering in...well...if he was honest, only when the Upside Down happened.

He let the water wash over all his body. The bottom of the tub turned brown with dirt and dried blood. He couldn’t scrub but even getting the surface shit off his skin felt like sin. He washed his hair three times before he was satisfied that it was clean. He turned off the water and slid out of shower. He put on the clothes Robin had picked out for him.

It was just another sweater and pair of sweatpants. He put them on gratefully and stepped out to his room. Robin was still on his bed looking at the flyer.

“I think I might have an idea,” she said without looking up.

Steve chuckled. “I thought I was the one that was supposed to be thinking while I was in the shower.”

She waved him off and licked her lips slowly. “What if contacted the venue or band or whatever and told them that we had a huge fan that got hurt during the earthquake and would like to see them. We could get a couple of cheapo tickets and he could see them.”

“Who would go with him?” Steve asked, coming to sit next to her.

“You.”

He reared back. “No. Why–I can’t go. No. I don’t even listen to that kind of music. One of his actual friends or Dustin maybe.”

Robin shook her head. “It wouldn’t be fair for the other two boys if only one of them got to go. And for Dustin, he wouldn’t be able to help Eddie get around the venue.”

Steve gaped at her open-mouthed.

She bumped him with her shoulder. “And then there’s the fact you like like him.”

He tried to speak, but no words came out.

Robin raised an eyebrow. “You can’t even deny it.”

Steve hung his head. “I don’t even–I just...I don’t know!” He threw his arms in the air and abruptly stood up. He started pacing, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. “Do I like boys? Both? What if my entire sexuality is a lie? Was he flirting with me? But he was also telling me to get back together with Nancy. Which you were doing too, by the way.”

Robin opened her mouth and then closed it again. “Yeah, fair. But that was before you abandoned Nancy and I to finish off Vecna when you heard Dustin screaming Eddie’s name.”

“Why was he flirting with me if he wanted me to get back with Nancy?” he asked again. “Because if he was interested why throw Nance at me? Or if he wanted me to get back with her why did he flirt with me? It’s messing with my head, Robs!”

She stood up and grabbed his arms to steer him back onto the bed. “Let me explain something to you as the resident queer. I think the Nancy thing was seeing if you were interested in her and if you weren’t then he could admit he liked you. To test the waters so to speak. I was doing the same thing only about Nancy.”

Steve looked up at her blankly. Robin waited for the lights to come on and he mouthed, “oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“Too bad Nancy is happy with Jonathan,” Steve murmured.

“You’re missing the point, dingus,” she said softly. “He wanted to make sure that you were interested in boys before he put the moves on you. Only you had the weirdest reaction.”

Steve blinked, furrowing his brow. “I don’t understand.”

“Most straight guys would have pushed him away,” Robin said. “Only you didn’t, at least not violently. But you also didn’t flirt back. You acted confused.”

“I was confused,” he whined. “Still am if I’m honest.”

“Which is fine,” Robin said holding up her hands. “Finding out you aren’t as straight as you thought is absolutely terrifying. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now. I always knew I liked girls. This must be like a bombing dropping on you.”

“Or a demogorgon,” he muttered darkly.

“Or one of those, definitely,” she agreed. “But the point is that your reaction wasn’t what he expecting so he had to try other avenues to see if you were interested. Hence the Nancy test.” She spread her fingers wide to emphasize her point.

“Oh.” He threw his head back and rubbed his hands over his face. “I failed, didn’t I?”

“No, no,” she murmured. “Results were inconclusive. However if you do this for him...”

“He’ll know how I feel about him?” Steve asked, hopeful.

“Right in one.”

Part 5  Part 6 Part 7  Part 8  Part 9  Part 10  Part 11  Part 12 Part 13 Part 14  Part 15 Part 16 Part 17  Part 18  Part 19  Part 20

Tag List: @anaibis @spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @zerokrox-blog @artiststarme @swimmingbirdrunningrock @gregre369 @goodolefashionedloverboi @chaoticlovingdreamer @maya-custodios-dionach @messrs-weasley @val-from-lawrence @plyerice27 @thedragonsaunt @chaoticlovingdreamer @sapphirecobalt-1 @a-little-unsteddie @i-must-potato @danili666  @carlyv @rozzieroos @wonderland-girl143-blog @itsall-taken @justforthedead89 @whalesharksart @nburkhardt @snapshotmaestro @shrimply-a-menace @theotalksalot @child-of-cthulhu

#My writing #stranger things #steddie #season 4 fix it #ladykailtiha writes

[hetalia-club]

I’m going to vent some more about my ex because it’s good therapy lol

Feel free to keep scrolling.

Lol so remember my terrible abusive ex I broke up with last month that I vented on here about? Two years ago I made a reddit post on AITH because we got into this argument about eating thanksgiving at each others families houses and how he would get mad at me when I wouldn't eat a huge meal at his family's house but then he didn't eat at my families house (Which is honestly such a shame because my family's food is gas) and I also make some of the food at our thanksgiving so by the time I would get there to eat I wouldn't be hungry because I had just been guilted into eating a full plate an hour before.

I deleted the post because it blew up like crazy and everyone was calling him controlling and abusive and I was thinking "that seems a little much for a thanksgiving argument" I was getting a bunch of DMs of people telling me I needed to dump him and that if I needed help I could go to a clinic and I was just like "Tf are these people talking about!? This was just an argument about thanksgiving food…" I just think it's funny the answers were right there in front of me of thousands of strangers telling me I was in an abusive relationship and I ignored it. You truly don't know what it's like to be in a relationship like that until you're in one. You will convince yourself everything is fine and that everyone else is crazy for thinking that he's crazy. Just look at some of these comments lol

this is just a few of them. I remembered this post and decided to go back and re-read the comments after recognizing that he was abusive. I remember defending him so hard in my DMs being like “no you don’t understand you got him all wrong” turns out they had him all right lol and I was the delusional one. I’ve been doing along of self reflection and what not lately I’ve been trying to ever who I was before we got together because I feel like I was a different person. Less of a people pleaser, less emotional, less worried about what others think of me. I’m having to re-write my brain chemistry I feel. I still have to stop myself because I will ask myself “does ‘ex’ like when I do this?” And I have to remind myself it doesn’t matter what he likes anymore.

When we lived together he would insist i did all the cooking which is fine because I’m good at cooking. But the thing is I can actually only cook Italian American food, the reason for that is because it’s my favorite food and it’s all I ever want to eat. So it’s the only thing I make that’s any good. Because you know… it’s what i like so it’s what I make. Well about 2 years into our relationship he decides he’s going on a no carb diet. Which was an issue because I am on an all carb diet lol… I made food as normal for awhile and then one day he just went absolutely ballistic because he said I was abusing him because I wasn’t respecting his diet because I kept making pasta, which I wasn’t making pasta every day obviously… I didn’t make Italian every day but at least 2 times a week. but on this particular day I had made some kind of pasta but I had made him zucchini noodles, I even went out and bought a little thing to shred them with that day. It was probaly chicken parm because I eat that at least once a week. I once went three weeks with eating chicken parm every day and it was heaven . But apparently he didn’t like them and instead of being rational and just saying he didn’t like them he decided to have a toddler level fit because he didn’t what what I made. I was just like “okay then don’t eat it l…” he proceeded to not speak to me for three days and he even shoulder checked me in the hall way when he walked past me and it had me seeing red. So ever since then when I would make pasta I would make him a separate dinner which was so annoying. Because like he’s a grown fucking man… I shouldn’t have to make him a separate dinner it’s not my fault he decided to go on a no carb diet for no reason probably just to try and get me to stop making pasta which he never really liked (this was huge red flag and I should have known it would never work) he should have to deal with that himself I’m not his mom or his wife so i shouldn’t have just been like “okay learn how to cook then man child” but I’m too nice of a person and the guilt would have made me lose sleep. Because he would have just eaten cheese and lunch meat like a dumb ass because if I didn’t cook for him that’s what he would eat because he was an ACTUAL man child and couldn’t cook anything but scrambled eggs even then he wouldn’t use grease or butter so they would just fuse with the pan and I had to scrub it off because he would just put it in the dishwasher as if that was going to do anything.

One time I had made like a vegan butternut squash soup because he likes butternut squash, I don’t I think it’s gnarly. I even whipped out an emulsion blender for it, real fancy like. Well he decided he wanted chicken with it for some unknown reason even though HE requested it for dinner so he knew no meat was involved. so he decided to throw a frozen chicken tender into a pan and he cooked it until it was trawled and that shit was like not even close to cooked and he was going to eat it so I had to stop eating, get up and recook his chicken because he would have given himself food poisoning. I didn’t even get so much of a thank you for possible saving his stupid life and he just ate it and left the pan with burnt bits for me to scrub because he again didn’t oil the pan so the chicken stuck to it and burnt onto the pan.

You may read this and think “omg how do you not realize this is abuse” well that’s because that was just how I lived for 5 years. It had gotten normal I understood how he was and he always told me “this is just how I am” so I figured “who would I be to change him if that’s his personality?” Now I do truly believe that is his real personality and he’ll never change. Mostly because when we broke up he straight told me “this is how I am I’m not changing for you or anyone” like it was something to be proud of. He truly believes the break up is something that can be reversed. I’m not sure if he even thinks we’re still broken up if that makes sense. He texted me as asked me if I wanted to go out to diner and I was like “lol no?” And he was like “I miss you though don’t you miss me?” And I was like “lol…no?” Like what is there to miss my guy? Like of course you miss me I did everything for you. I knew the second he realized “oh shit now I have to clean and cook?” he would want me back. I called it. I knew it was coming. It was a lot sooner than I expected tbh though…

[nerdyqueerandjewish]

Hey just wanted to say I'm sorry about the web of tragedy in your life rn. you are right that it never ends, and is hard to explain to people from "nicer" areas. I experienced a lot of shitty stuff in my rural hometown and family, and now as an adult the news keeps following me, it's always something. I wanted to say two things- 1. please take some time for self-care even if you feel like you shouldn't or are "less affected". it adds up over time (1/2)

secondly, the only way we get through this world is finding the beauty in small things and counting blessings. when our lives are absolute shit and everyone is dying, it's not "toxic positivity" to say, well at least I have housing, well at least the trees and garden are beautiful today. it's coping but i think that's healthy and normal, to grasp at what beauty is left. if you don't look for any blessings then there isn't anything left. "toxic positivity" is pretending the bad stuff isnt there

it's ok to mourn and feel the bad things but also look for signs of blessings and beauty!! but also i very much feel you with hating true toxic positivity....which feels like a form of straight up denial and repression of emotions. feels like the difference is acceptance, and adding "and" vs. denial (3/3 im done now). hope you find some good things this week

Thank you - I needed this. I’m the primary person giving emotional support my partner while they go through an intensive outpatient program and while it has been overall good for them, there is just a lot going on and they are feeling a lot of emotions, especially frustration, depression, and anxiety. So there’s just a lot of stress in my home right now, and it’s a lot for me to try to be there but also regulate my own emotions and break some of the patterns that I learned in childhood. And then on top of that people where I grew up keep dying in awful, horrible ways. I’m reminding myself that during the height of the pandemic, people talked about the mental toll of disenfranchised grief, and I think that this feeling is similar to that,m. It just keeps rolling and it gives me weird survivor’s guilt and also makes it feel like I’m going to drop dead at any moment.

It can feel uncomfortable to do the nice things for myself, like I’m “supposed” to be only feeling bad with all this (while simultaneously not being effected because nothing bad is happening directly to me? Make up your mind, brain!) but I’m trying to re-frame it as practicing, so that someday I can do it more comfortably. And I feel like I have gotten better too! I think in the past I would have not made time for myself to decompress and do outside things.

[hargrove-mayfields]

tag game, stranger things edition!

i was tagged by @thatgirlwithasquid and @intothedysphoria, thanks y’all, I really appreciate it! 💕

1. ride or die ship/otp : Hellcheergroveton! every combination in this ship is adorable and it has all my favs too ☺️

2. most annoying ship : m*leven. I am beyond tired of watching a young disabled girl be taken advantage of and have it be treated as romantic. El deserves to live partner free, and M*ke deserves to go in the whole garbage can.

3. second favorite ship : Hollogrove. Since it’s not part of the core hellcheergroveton relationship, I’ll branch out a little and bring in my girl Heather. I love her and Billy I’m a relationship and can totally see them spending the rest of their lives together ♥️

4. favorite platonic dynamic : Billy and Max, or Dustin and Steve. Or Steve and Gareth. Cause I headcanon Gareth as becoming Steve’s caregiver after the events of the show leave him with cognitive and physical disabilities

5. underrated ship : Hollogrove, Cunningway, Pompompineapple, Stonathan, Cheerscoops, Calicheer, Rockie, Stargyle, Cammy, Kegboys, Steather, Argilly, and so many more but I’ll stop there.

6. overrated ship : Any of the fruity four (it makes me wanna gag just typing it) ships. I haven’t looked in the fandom tags for a year because it’s oversaturated with passionless, factory produced, carbon-copy fanworks that look like Harringrove fics put through ai to be rewritten as St*ddie, or Buckleway into r*nance. I’m sick of it. It’s boring. I’ll come up with my own steddie content, thanks.

7. one thing to change in canon : Everything. Not even joking. I’m going blorbo shopping and bringing all my favs back to my dollie house to play fix-it.

8. something canon did right : Um. I guess letting actors put in feedback and details of their own. Like Millie choosing for El to touch Billy’s cheek, Dacre giving us backstory on Billy’s mom and also on Billy’s disability (BPD), both he and Joe Keery refusing the original scripts, Joe Quinn improvising Eddie’s crush on Chrissy, and so on. All of the actor choices are the only good things about the show at this point.

9. a thing I’m proud of creating for the fandom : @disabledbillyandsteveweek! There's more information about the event over on the blog, but basically it’s an event starting in about two weeks meant to highlight Billy and Steve as disabled characters, through all kinds of fan works and different ships!

10. a character who is perfect to me : Christine Renée-Beth Cunningham. Nobody compares to my cheer girl.

11. the most relatable character and why : Also Chrissy. She reminds me a lot of myself, especially how I was when I was still in highschool, being timid and struggling a lot with my mental health. I wish she could have grown and gotten help and felt better since I’m on my journey to doing so right now, but I’m forever grateful to have seen a character with an eating disorder and an abusive family on screen, portrayed in a heartfelt and generous way- all thanks to miss Grace Van Dien

12. character I hate most and why : Neil, Karen (actually just the Wheelers in general except little Holly), Brenner, Owens, the lady that shot Benny, literally so many of them. Anyone who intentionally and unabashedly hurts other characters without remorse.

13. something I’ve learned from the fandom : To be patient, because even when things seem tough or impossible, we can make it. Together, with friends who understand us, and who share our pain, we can fight and keep going! Especially because this community will always have folks who understand and have our backs, we just have to find them ❤️❤️

14. three tags I seek out on ao3 : I actually don’t read fic on ao3. The extreme amounts of severely triggering content hosted on that site is just too much for me and I can never seem to avoid it. I only post to ao3 because I know people find it easily accessible, but I had one too many mix-ups that led to me being in a terrible state of mind, so I discontinued using the site.

15. a song I strongly associate with otp and/or favorite character : I’ll never shut up about “Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce. Conveniently off the same record as Hop has on Vinyl and Cassette, it’s my favorite song ever because it’s so tender and loving and even though it’s old people music yall should give it a listen. It applies to any ship, but especially packs a punch with Harringrove. Also “Magic” by Olivia Newton-John.

I’ll tag: @eddie-munsons-guitar86 @honey-tongued-devil @martianclown @hephaestn @jaylikesrainbowtigers @denkiddo1 @enchanted-day-dreams @stranger-themes-blog @ratbastardbilly @thinger-strang But there’s no pressure to do it! You absolutely don’t have to if you already have or if you just don’t feel like it! <3

#tag game! #billy hargrove fandom #not content #hey thanks again! it took me a few days but this was fun!! #love doing these things they’re always really positive and fun <3

[bardicbeetle]

screaming about SitD - ramble on moral grey areas and vampirism and blood

Content Warnings: mention of drugs both use and dealing, and murder, that… is honestly about it. The murder bit is par for the course but I don’t usually dig into Moira’s list so obligate drug mention warning.

Additional reminder that I am writing fiction, character belief to author belief is not a 1-1 ratio.

Friend wanted to know about why my vampires were okay with killing people but not okay with stealing blood if that was a viable workaround to murder. This brought about via some previous conversations surrounding Isaac’s relationship to Alex and also the vamp!house as a whole. Brief interlude about the Lost Boys since they are the original blueprint for what my vampires eventually became.

OK

So.

Donated blood specifically within the confines of We-took-this-from-hospital = bad

Donated blood acquired via the chaos trio that is Isaac Carrie and Tom = good

And within that, the reason they Don’t Do that is primarily because Daniel takes issue with it and as far as the remaining Vamp!House is concerned, he’s as much in charge as it gets (which to be fair, is Not Much, but it’s not Nothing either). I’m just realizing that oddly enough 2/3 of the Chaos Trio blood they do take comes from Isaac and Tom who could not donate blood normally anyway because of MSM restrictions. There is also the argument to be made for taking a non-lethal amount of blood from someone and then messing their memory around until they won’t have questions about it, but again, Daniel is more against the whole Mind Fuckery shit than he is against murder at this point.

Re: The Lost Boys you can be mean about my bastard children I don’t care I used to have auditory hallucinations of Paul as a young teenager that annoyed me so much I threatened to kill him on a regular basis. But yeah they are, cavalier is a good word, indiscriminate is another but also it doesn’t quite fit to me just because as far as in-universe goes we only see them kill people who have fucked with them in some way or another. First being the security guard who kicked them off the boardwalk, second and third being the Surf N*zi’s who were fucking with them on the carousel and who the book confirms they have additional shit with already. But yeah. The boys don’t care about human life enough for people like Star, Michael, etc. We never see Max kill but I do not doubt that a lot of the missing posters aren’t just from the Boys.

ANYWAYS

ENOUGH ABOUT MY NON OC BASTARD CHILDREN

point at hand, they have reasons. not necessarily good or good or morally correct reasons, but such is unlife.

Daniel is… more than a little desensetized at this point. He did so much worse under Amalthea that a single death every other week or so does not weigh heavy on him. For the most part. There are days it’s too much. There are moments his own cowardice gets to him (is it worth living for all this ruin?). But there are people relying on him staying alive. That comes first (they come first).

Jesse and Moira are a touch different in that they have… a handful of rules followed more often than not. Piled up justifications or excuses or both. Call them what you want.

Jesse is a constant case of weighed options. He’s the one keeping an eye on bigots and hate crimes and going “Hmmm. Okay, too many. You’re done.” is the bar of what constitutes “too many” constantly changing? Yeah. Is too many One more often than not? Also yeah. He keeps a list. It’s sometimes disheartening that it never really gets shorter. Moira joins him on this a lot of the time.

Moira isn’t entirely apart from Daniel’s mostly indiscriminite if unlikely to be investigated murder, but when she is there are specific types she’s going after. This kinda came up organically when I was moving the story to central VT for the sake of my own location-knowledge— Moira knocks off drug dealers, mainly those putting out heroin and fentanyl because those are the things that hit home for myself and the people I’m close to. If someone is lining their pockets with death, as far as Moira is concerned they’re getting what’s coming to them. It’s a smaller list than Jesse’s, but it’s something she keeps an eye on.

This method of theirs has on occassion gotten the household into hot water when someone who is actually avoiding arrest ends up dead falling off the face of the earth. That’s partially why the household has the arrangement they do with Jonathan Davies, if someone goes missing who needs to properly turn up dead, they work that out with him and Theo.

I’ll keep Alex somewhat brief as we explore their reservations about murder… a lot in the actual text. Immediately post-killing their parents they subsist mainly off of blood donated by Isaac. They know that by no means does the rest of the household just kill innocent people all of the time, but that doesn’t mean they don’t. It takes some adjusting. Eventually they fall into a routine that mirrors their arrival, they walk at night, they let someone try to hurt them, and that doesn’t go so well for whoever tries it.

Re: Vent Art

Moira does art constantly, I mention in one of Alex’s first scenes at the house that the living room is essentially wall-to-wall paintings all stylistically different from each other, only linked by Moira’s little gold MH signature in the corner. She fucks around in every medium she can get her hands on. Sometimes it’s vent art, sometimes it’s not. There was a period shortly after she made the decision to become a vampire that it was entirely vent art because she missed the sun so fucking badly. Later on she just decides to be up during daylight anyways, wrapped in a blanket cocoon and watching the light out the windows until her eyes hurt. The first time she discovers that new england cloud cover is heavy enough in the wintertime to feel like daylight when it’s snowing is like coming alive again. (It’s also a really sweet moment for the whole house as that’s the first time Daniel has seen daylight in decades)

Jesse writes. He’s a little… hmmm, less affected by the whole thing, I think, than most. But I think that’s mostly because what he got out of this was the chance to live and also the love of his life? He’s a little bit biased. And again, he has set out pretty specific rules for himself as far as who dies. That being said, he’s a writer, things spill over. I speak from experience both in that things you think aren’t an issue weave their way into your writing, and that Jesse and I are similar enough that writing is his default coping mechanism when things are Affecting Him.

Moira and Jesse make a comic together.

A lot of comics together.

Jesse considers writing an instant gratification art form, and Moira is the one with the actual patience to deal with his mess of ideas and help get them to a point that makes sense in a visual medium.

AddiHart Comics is their project baby. It’s the origin of me calling them the Vamp!House because that’s what they call themselves there. They write silly little slice of life shit that would be 90% the same as every other iteration of that except for the “Oh by the way, vampires”. They have yet to tell Daniel about this, it’s been ongoing for about half a decade. (In truth, he found out about it through Sarah, but he’s not going to spoil the “secret”)

I like having a little in-universe nod to their backstories.

Daniel doesn’t really make vent art, but Daniel also has approximately 0 healthy coping skills and is only in the last decade or so getting better about not Fully Shutting Down any discussion of the Horrors that live in his head and his heart. He does read though. Like, a lot. An alarming amount. He’s a sucker for his silly little pile of romance paperbacks. There is a reason his “bedroom” is wall to wall bookshelves.

So, yeah.

That’s.

An amount of information probably larger than intended.

Which may or may not actually be coherent.

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[mmvalentine]

Lover Like Me pt 13 | Feysand

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 ** Part 14

In the end, I don’t go with him. None of us do, even though there’s a whole group discussion about it during the week.

“Don’t go.” Mor is cold and certain. For someone who is usually so warm, it shocks me how flat and unforgiving her eyes are. I am reminded that Mor, and only Mor, has already met Rhys’s father.

We’re sitting in Rhys’s living room like usual, but the boxes of pizza are growing cold and somehow I don’t think there’s going to be a Disney movie tonight. Mor had been relaxing next to Cassian on the couch, but since Rhys told them about the call from the hospital, she’s gone stiff and hasn’t moved. Azriel is leaning against the wall, and I’m perched on the kitchen counter next to Rhys. I slide my fingers under the hem of his t-shirt, and don’t say anything. I just watch Mor, and the fury in the straightness of her spine.

“I mean he has to go, right?” Cassian, on the other hand, is all open handed and frank faced. I think I will always love him, for that. “I never met my dad and I hope he’s miserable out there. But if I had the chance, to meet him just once…”

“It’s not the same,” Mor hisses back. “The worst your dad did was fuck off. The worst this guy has done…” she trails off. I notice how white her knuckles have gone around her mug, and I don’t think I want to hear the end of the sentence.

“What are you thinking, Rhys?” Azriel, as ever, keeps his own opinion to himself. Rhys just rubs his face in his hands.

“I don’t know,” he confesses. “This is likely the last time the decision will be mine.”

Rhys’s pizza is untouched, and in the ensuing silence I pick up a piece and hold it to his lips. He gives me a small smile and takes a bite, to humour me. He hasn’t eaten all day, and there’s a mug of tea gone cold on his bench top. My slice is only nibbled, but Rhys is bigger than me and I’m convinced he needs the nourishment more than I do.

Cassian is having no such trouble.

“So we’ll all come with you,” he says, his mouth full. That’s his natural state. Rhys shakes his head.

“No,” he says slowly. “I think… I think I want to go alone.”

“So you’re going, then,” Azriel says, after a moment.

There’s another heavy pause, and then Rhys nods. I look at Mor, and her face is stony as I’ve ever seen it, but she says nothing.

And that’s that.

The others go home after dinner, and I put the uneaten pizza in the fridge while Rhys has a long shower. I wash up his mug and a few other bits and pieces in the sink, and then sit on his bed on my phone until he comes out.

“Do you want me to leave?” I ask quietly, when Rhys sits down heavily on the bed. He blinks at me in confusion.

“Why would I want that?”

“I thought maybe you’d want some time to yourself…”

But Rhys pulls me under the blankets and buries his face in my neck. “Stay,” he says, and so I do.

Rhys’s skin is warm from the shower, his hair is damp and clean and smells like his shampoo. It’s quickly become the most comforting scent to me and I’d start using it myself, just so I can smell it around me when he’s not there, if he hadn’t told me how much he likes my shampoo, too.

I turn the lights out, and we make love without words but with many silent things passed between our mouths that mean more than the things we could say out loud.  

Rhys doesn’t go the next day, or the day after. On one of the nights, I come home after work and I can hear him and Mor arguing loudly in his apartment. It’s not something I feel I have a part in, so I don’t go in, but even from my house I can hear Mor shouting. And after a while, a third, murmuring voice. When she finally storms out, I look out my window and see Azriel follow her quietly to her place.

Rhys walks through my door a little while after that, and I hand him a bowl of pasta. We don’t talk about their fight.

On Thursday night he makes up his mind, and on Friday morning he’s up early like usual so all I tell him is “good luck,” and he kisses my mouth before he leaves.

When I wake up an hour after that, I go to work and all day I keep checking my phone for updates. None come. I send a few texts early on- “how are you feeling?” “Text me when you get there,” “I’m here to talk if you need to call”- but get no response. It’s unreasonable for me to wait for them; I imagine he’s driving for the most part and not feeling chatty the rest. But I still do, and when the message comes, hours later, it’s not from Rhys. It’s Azriel.

Azriel: He’s back. He’s at work.

I tap out my reply fast.

Feyre: He’s at work? He’s not taking the rest of the day off?

I quickly do the math in my head- if Rhys is back by now, he must have spent less than an hour at the hospital. Did that mean things went well, or very badly?

“Guess not,” is all Azriel says. Then he sends me the address of the auto shop, and a quick Google tells me a bus will get me there in twenty. I make my excuses to my coworker, and she waves me off. I’m grateful the store is quiet, but I’d have left even if it wasn’t.

When I get to the shop, I see Cassian, Mor and Azriel all standing in a knot by the door.

“Hey, Feyre,” Cassian greets me.

It’s a bright sunny day and the three of them are in dark blue jumpsuits that have the shop’s logo embroidered on the chest. Cassian has his hair bundled on top of his head, and he gives me a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

“How is he?”

Rhys’s friends just glance at each other, and they look as worried as I feel. It’s not reassuring.

“Hard to say,” Cassian tells me. “He hasn’t said anything, he just turned up and started working. We didn’t expect him in today at all.”

“He shouldn’t have fucking gone,” Mor says. “I told him not to go. Nothing good happens when that man is in Rhys’s life.”

I look from one to the other. Mor’s blonde ponytail swings as she shakes her head. She’s wearing a stained white tank top under her jumpsuit, with the buttons are undone and the sleeves pushed up to the elbows. Even in my harried state I manage to notice she looks incredible even in greasy work clothes. I realise that I’ve never been to Rhys’s work place, even though this is where my friends all spend most of their day.

“We’ve been trying to check on him, but I don’t think he wants to talk,” Cassian says, breaking me out of my rambling reverie. I notice I’m chewing on my thumb nail, and pull it out of my mouth.

“What should I do?” I ask him. He shrugs.

“Maybe he’ll talk to you.”

“It’s worth a try,” Mor says. “We’re mostly done for the day, but we can stick around and try to help…” She glances at Cassian, and I can feel how helpless they’re feeling.

“No it’s okay, you guys go. I’ll talk to him.”

Cassian clasps my shoulder on his way out, and Mor throws me a look that is part sympathetic, and part grateful. I think, don’t thank me yet. I don’t know what I can do for Rhys that his friends couldn’t.

And then only Azriel is left, leaning against the door frame.

“Thanks for texting me,” I say to him. Azriel just looks at me, with that unreadable stare of his.

“I thought you’d want to be here,” he says. “But… there’s some things you should know about Rhys. I know you’ve been spending a lot of time together. I’m sure you’ve gotten to know him pretty well.”

I wait. Azriel sighs.

“He’s not… himself right now,” he tells me.

I cock my head and gaze back at Rhys’s friend. I wonder who he’s trying to protect right now- me, or Rhys. I think he’s sweet either way.

“There are three levels of Rhys being upset,” I say, matter-of-factly. “Level one, he’s grumpy but you can fix him with a cup of tea and a sleeve of cookies. Level two, he’s mad, but he's distractable and it’s usually a good idea to get his… heart rate up.” A hint of a smile warms Azriel’s face. “Level three, things have gone very wrong. At this level, Rhys likes... hurt.”

There’s a sharp intake of breath, and the warmth disappears.

“I know I’ve only known Rhys for a few months, but my tactic is to work my way up the list until of one those things sticks. Did I miss anything?”

Azriel says nothing for a moment, and then eventually shakes his head. “No,” he says. “That is correct.” He pauses again. “And you still want to go in there?”

“I do.”

Azriel still doesn’t move. I soften, and think that maybe Azriel is usually the one who takes on Rhys at level three. I can see Mor and Cassian putting the kettle on and sparring but Azriel… I look at my feet, then take a step closer. I make the confession under my breath.

“Sometimes, I like hurt, too.”

I look up at him, and he’s reassessing. I don’t know what conclusion he draws, but he pushes off the door and walks away.

I’m surprised when I feel the squeeze of his hand on mine, just briefly, as he goes.

I pass through the front office and into the shop out the back. The room opens up into a huge space with bright fluorescent lights and concrete walls. There are a large number of tools and other objects I can’t identify on hooks and shelves, and two cars up near the ceiling. I can’t see Rhys, but I can hear the clink of metal on metal echoing through the space.

I walk around, taking in my surroundings for a while. I make sure my footsteps make noise, so that Rhys knows I’m here, and my eyes run over the stacks of tyres, the red and black pillars of the hoists, and the strangeness of having several tonnes of vehicle suspended above head height. I even find what I assume is Rhys’s motorcycle, tucked against a far wall. I walk toward the clinking instead.

“They’ve all gone, have they?” Rhys asks. I still can’t see him.

“Yes,” I tell him. “It’s just me.”

There’s a tension hanging heavy in the atmosphere, another fume in the oily air. I can taste it coating my tongue, and I can see why I found his friends all standing outside. Bad, then. Things went badly, with his father.

“Good,” Rhys comments. “They were annoying me.”

There’s a loud clang as he drops his tool into a box nearby, and then he steps out from behind the car he was working on. He’s wiping his hands on a rag, and I just stand and wait. Rhys has the arms of his jumpsuit tied around his waist, and he’s in one of his black singlets. There’s a faint sheen of sweat on his bare arms, and a stray curl is falling in his eyes. On the surface he looks calm, but there’s something beneath that, something that my brain doesn’t have a name for but my body is responding to. Run, it’s saying, but it’s not clarifying in which direction. I keep standing still.

“Aren’t you going to ask me how it went?” he says. His voice is flat and cold.

“Only if you want to tell me,” I respond. Rhys throws the rag on a table, and sighs.

“Can I tell you about it later?”

“Of course.”

“Do you know what I actually feeling like doing right now?”

“Tell me.”

“I feel like tying you to this hoist and fucking you till you scream.”

The air goes out of my lungs so fast.

My head empties, my toes curl, and I just think, Is that all it takes, with us? I shouldn't be surprised, by now.

I blush at the thought of anyone else possibly overhearing us, I know the guys have gone but I don’t know if anyone else works here, or if his boss is somewhere out of sight or…. But I’m looking at Rhys and he’s looking at me and he shares none of my concerns.

I take one step to the left, my knees only just holding me up, and put my hand on one of the black pillars. I look at it; the painted surface is shiny and cold under my fingers. I was never too good with words, anyway.

“This one?” I ask, much more casually than I feel.

“Well the other two are holding cars up.” Rhys starts walking toward me- stalking is more like it, he’s got that predatory look in his eye that makes me convinced that any second he’s going to sprout wings and fangs. My heart thunders in my ears.

“I guess that’s true.”

There a primal instinct somewhere in my brain that has me backing away, even though I know I look ridiculous hiding behind the post.

“Where are you going?” he asks. His voice has dropped to that low place that sends skitters up my spine. I step again, rounding the pillar, but he keeps coming.

“Just… admiring the machinery. Never been in a garage before.”

Rhys is standing right in front of me now, but there’s a red metal arm between us, jutting out from the post about the height of my waist. He leans his forearm against the pillar, right by my head, and leans in close.

“Put your hands on the bar, Feyre.”

I do it, and grip it so that Rhys can’t see the tremor. I’m not afraid of him, it’s just that my adrenalin spikes when he gets like this and… the anticipation is as potent as fear itself.

“Stay there.”

Rhys steps away and returns with a length of strap. He winds it around my wrists and binds me to the red bar. Then he walks behind me, and when I can’t see him my heartrate kicks even higher. I don’t know how close he is to me until I feel his breath on my ear.

“Good girl,” he croons. I shiver.

I’m convinced he’s going to bend me over just like this, but then there’s just silence and cold air. I’ve just started to wonder where he’s gone, when I’m startled by a loud noise. It’s a sort of grinding sound, and before I can guess what it might be, the bar under my hands starts to move. I whip my head around, and find Rhys several paces away with his thumb on a green button and his eyes watching me like I’m his next meal.

I watch him back at first, but then I look back toward the red bar because it’s risen to eye height. I’m leaning against it still, because my legs are jelly. But the bar keeps rising, and my arms are lifted above my head. I’m stretched out, I’m on my tiptoes. Just before I’m lifted clean off my feet, the grinding noise stops, and everything is still again. I can just barely put weight in the balls of my feet.

“Rhys…”

He comes back to stand before me, hands behind his back and something taunting in the corner of his mouth.

“Comfortable, Feyre darling?”

No. I stick my chin out. “Very,” I say coolly, and he chuckles.

“Good.”

At that moment, there’s the bright ding of a desk bell, and I realise that Azriel hadn’t turned the Open sign around when he left. Rhys looks toward the sound.

“Don’t go anywhere,” he says, and gives me a cruel smile. Prick.

Rhys walks out to the office, and I’m just left there to hang.

He’s gone for what must be a few minutes but feels like an age, and I can hear muted voices in the adjoining room. A laugh, even, and I’m a little scandalised that Rhys can put on his friendly customer-service voice while I’m tied up in the shop only meters away. For a second, I have the mortifying thought that he might bring someone through while I’m suspended here, but I quickly banish it. Rhys wouldn’t humiliate me like that. Would he?

Finally he returns, and as he walks toward me he pulls another strap off the wall and slings it over his shoulder.

“Now,” he says, inches from my face. He slides his hands into his pockets. “Where were we?”

“Hope you’re not turning down business on my account,” I say. It’s all bravado, of course, but the last thing Rhys needs is to think I’m scared of him.

“I told him to come back tomorrow,” Rhys replies. “But I can call him back if you really want.” He leans in close. “If you’re not satisfied with just one of me.”

I just shrug- or I try to, but my shoulders are already up by my ears and starting to ache. Rhys laughs at me. He steps back, and begins to walk around me again. When he can’t see my face, I quietly blow a breath out. I’m trying to remain calm, but I’m so completely out of my depth.  I’m strung up, pushing up on my tiptoes to relieve the pressure on my wrists, and he’s circling me with eyes that devour. I still can’t see him, but suddenly there’s a breath on the back of my neck. His hand lands on the side of my throat, thumb in the base of my skull and a long forefinger over my windpipe. He puts his teeth on the join of my shoulder, and he’s hard against my backside.

“Mmm I like you like this,” he murmurs, and the rumble in his voice has me arching against him. He’s finally touching me, and it’s not enough. I shudder, and he squeezes my throat before letting go and I’m cold all over.

Next thing I know, his lips touch the nape of my neck, and his hands are sliding up the sides of my thighs. They’re so warm against my skin, under my dress, and then brushing over my stomach. My hands twitch but of course I can’t touch him back. He hooks his fingers into the band of my underwear and then tugs them down; threads my feet through to get them off me. They go into the pocket of his jumpsuit.

Next, Rhys walks around in front of me again, but he’s not looking at my face. He slowly starts to undo the buttons down the front of my dress, enough to get his hands over my bra, and exhales through his teeth when he squeezes my breasts.

“Yeah,” he says, “I should have gotten you in here ages ago.”

“You can walk circles around me at home,” I shoot back, and I’m just mad because he isn’t kissing me. Rhys’s eyes darken.

“I had a few other things planned,” he tells me, and then he rips my dress the rest of the way open so buttons clatter to the floor.

“I liked this dress,” I hiss. I’m goading him and I know it. Come on, I think. I can take it.

“I like it better this way.”

He gathers the two sides up in his hands and ties them in a knot at my stomach.

“You’ll pay for a new one,” I say.

“And you’ll pay for giving me lip.” The strap slides from his shoulder and into his hands.

“Do it,” I spit. And quicker than I thought possible, the strap lashes out and strikes across my lower belly. I gasp at the sudden pain, but it settles into a heat somewhere behind my navel. I shouldn’t be surprised by now that it feels good. Rhys laughs darkly, and begins to circle again.

“Want another one?” he purrs. I grit my teeth.

“Yes,” I choke out.

The strap lands again, this time against my bare ass. Electricity snaps hot over my skin. I cry out, and then bite my lip against it. When he whips me again, I hold the sound behind my teeth.

“Oh come now,” Rhys says. He grips my throat again, and pulls me back against his body. “Don’t be a spoil-sport.” His voice sinks low. “Moan for me.” And then he drops the strap and smacks me with his hand. My jaw drops open and I didn’t need his instruction- the moan is involuntary.

“Good girl,” he says at my ear, and the next slap stings near the join at the top of my leg. I moan again, as every hair on my body stands on end, and I’m rewarded with soothing circles rubbed over the reddened skin. It lasts only a few seconds before I’m spanked a fifth time, and this time when he does it his teeth sink into my shoulder. He rubs over the sore spot again.

“So fucking good,” he praises, and his thumb strokes the side of my neck in time with his hand on my ass. “You like being spanked like that?” he asks. I don’t respond, but his fingers move over my hip and between my legs and he finds his answer.

“Fuck Feyre,” he growls. “If I’d known I could get you so wet by smacking your ass…”

His hand leaves my throat so he can spank me again on the other cheek, a fresh pain, while the other hand starts to move where it is. I moan louder now, and hope to god he’s locked the front office up. He strokes over my clit while he squeezes my backside where he hit me, and I’m turning to liquid under his touch.

“Do you even know what you do to me?” Rhys mutters. I’m losing coherence and he’s talking about what I’m doing to him? He grips my hip and grinds into my ass while he touches me, the solid line of him pushing against me hard enough to bruise. Point made.

“I have some idea,” I tease, but it comes out breathy. His fingers speed up on my clit, and I lose my legs entirely. The strap cuts into my wrists but I barely feel it.

“Doubtful,” is all he says, and his hand moves lower. His fingers push inside me but the heel of his palm keeps contact with my clit. There's a soft groan from behind me as he slides in to his knuckles. He’s rubbing his cock against my ass as his fingers move in and out, and then his teeth and tongue are roving over the back of my neck.

“Shit Rhys,” I gasp, and I can hear his breathing labour, too.

“Wanna fuck you so bad, Feyre,” he says. And I fucking wish he would but I can’t string the words together to tell him. Then he spanks me again as he curls his fingers inside me, and suddenly I’m right on the edge. “If I keep doing that will you come?” he asks me. My mouth moves but nothing comes out. “Shall I do it and find out?”

He hits me again and I feel it all the way up my spine. My head falls back against his shoulder and his lips move against my ear.

“Shall I count how many it takes?” My toes clench in my shoes. "How many are we up to now?" he muses. The next word is a growl. “Six.”

The slap lands across the low part of my ass, and all the while his other hand keeps moving between my legs. I cry out, and he kisses me gently on the side of my throat.

“Seven.”

The sharp of the pain bleeds into a heat that suffuses through to my belly, and the more I feel the more the world fades away, and it’s just him and me and the tightening spiral in my core.

“Eight.”

My breaths are short and shallow, and when my mouth opens again I’m barely making a sound. His fingers are speeding up, and my skin is getting raw, but I’m pushing my toes into the ground to arch up toward the next slap.

“Nine.”

This one stings so much my eyes are watering, and yet the sharper the feeling under his hand the stronger feeling between my legs, and I'm shivering, I’m clenching around his fingers as they move in and out of me.

“Ten-” And that’s the one. I’m coming hard, I’m crying and the sobs compete with the moans in my throat. I’m shaking so much Rhys has wrapped an arm around my middle to take some of my weight since I can’t put my feet flat on the ground, and it feels like he’s the only thing holding me together.

“That’s my fucking girl,” Rhys is mumbling, but I can barely hear him because I’m pretty sure I’m floating outside of my body somewhere near the ceiling.

I don’t know how long it takes me to come back down, but when I do Rhys is still holding me up and he’s pressing soft kisses over my neck and my ears. When I’m able to lift my head and look at him, he catches my mouth with his and licks my tongue and my teeth as he kisses me.

Eventually Rhys lets me go, slowly so as not to jar my shoulders, and my arms ache again when I’m holding my own weight. But it’s only for a second, because he steps round to face me and wraps my legs around his waist. He holds me up again and kisses me, lush and slow. Does it for so long that before I know it, I’m rolling my hips into him and the kiss gets dirtier, hungrier, toothier. I want to touch him so badly, to wrap my arms around his neck and get my fingers in his hair. To get him out of that gods-damned jumpsuit. All I can do is whine like a tied-up pet.

Fortunately, Rhys is as wound up as I am.

He lets go of me long enough to shove the front of his pants down, but he’s still got my weight because my ankles are crossed behind his back. He pulls himself out but then just rubs me with his fingers again, and it’s not what I want. I grip harder with my legs, trying to get his hips closer, and he seems to understand. Lines his cock up to my entrance and then gets his hands back on my ass and pushes me down on to himself.

“Christ Feyre…”

I share the sentiment. Rhys’s head drops down onto my shoulder as he sinks into me, all the way in. We just stay like that for a moment, breathing hard against each other, and then he’s pulling out and pushing back in. We both moan as he lands again, and he palms my breast under my ruined dress as he does it.

“Fuck you look good tied up like this,” he says.

He moves his hands back down so he can pull me onto himself by my ass.

“More,” I tell him on the exhale, and he snarls in reply and starts fucking me in earnest.

And as much as I’m frustrated that I can’t get my hands on him, the feeling of being at his mercy and letting him take exactly what he needs is strangely freeing. I have no thoughts toward what I should be doing because I can’t do anything, and all I have to do is take and feel and glory in the way that he moves.

Rhys shifts his hold so he’s got one arm cradling me, and with his free hand he grips the bar above my head. Now that he’s got more purchase, he’s pounding harder into me and I’m still helpless in his hold.

“I should keep you down here,” he says, but his words are slurring together. “Should bind you up so you can’t go anywhere, and I’ll fuck you just like this whenever I want…”

When he’s buried this deep inside me, I can’t say I’m opposed to the idea.

His hand slides down my spine and his fingers find the seam of my backside. I can feel the spread of his handprint holding me to him, and I can barely get a breath in when he's fucking me like this. He gets his mouth on mine and his kiss is as raw and obliterating as the sex.

“Fuck baby, I’m gonna come,” he says on my lips. I just tighten the grip of my legs and keep kissing him. “I want one more from you first,” he growls, but I shake my head and bite his lip. He starts to slow down but I keep moving my hips.

“Don’t you dare,” I grind out, and with a groan he picks up his pace again. He lets go of the bar and fists his fingers in my hair instead, and my breath catches as my head is pulled back.

“Please,” I whisper. “Please come, please I…”

Rhys lets out a snarl that rips through his teeth, and his hips snap forward so fast I can’t keep up. A bead of sweat runs cold between my breasts, I’m not sure if it’s from me or from him. His fingers dig into me and I only exist where he’s touching me, and then he’s roaring as he hits his climax and shudders hard into me.

I squeeze down on the bar under my hands as the waves of his pleasure rock through me, and I can’t breathe for how tightly he’s holding me. When he lets go of my hair I let my head fall onto his chest, and I can feel the beat of his heart under his tattoos. He kisses me, soft again, on the mouth and then with his tongue on my nipple and then in a line down my sternum. Gets on his knees, pulls my thighs over his shoulders so he’s still got my weight, and then kisses me right over my clit. I shiver, way too sensitive and tender from being fucked. He just chuckles and does it again.

“Rhys I can’t…”

He licks it this time and doesn’t seem to mind that I’ve still got his cum dripping out of me.

“I told you,” he says. “I want one more from you.”

And then he sucks my clit into his mouth and his tongue is relentless. He flicks it over and over me where I need it, and it only takes a few minutes before I’m coming again, my legs wrapped around his head and his hands curled around my thighs.

When I’ve finally stopped shaking, Rhys stands carefully and settles my legs around his hips again. He unties my hands, and my arms drop heavily around his neck. Completely boneless, I’m carried to a work bench and set down on it, before he finds a clean rag and gently wipes me off.

"You okay, sweetheart?"

I nod wearily, and give him a tired but true smile.

He gives me a spare jumpsuit to wear, since he’s ruined my dress, and then kisses my forehead.

“You were so, so good,” he murmurs. I just lean into him and let him hug me, while I breathe in the smell of grease and metal and Rhys. He lifts me again, and carries me to his car. Buckles me in, locks up the shop, and then holds my hand while he drives us home.

Hours later, after Rhys has put me in the shower and cooked me dinner and wrapped himself around me in his bed, he tells me.

“You can ask me, now,” he says. It takes me a moment, but I understand.

“How did it go?” I ask in the dark. He sighs.

“He’s dead.”

I turn around to face him, and he tangles our legs together. I hardly know what to say.

“Your dad died?”

“Yeah.”

I brush a curl from his forehead, and the words I’m sorry form in my mouth but I don’t know if they’d be right.

“Did you get to talk to him at all?”

“Sort of. He was pretty much gone by the time I got there, just pale and full of tubes. They said they were just keeping him breathing until I got there. So I said my goodbyes, and then he went.”’

“Did you get to tell him what you wanted to?”

Rhys shrugs. “I didn’t really plan what to say. The whole drive there I tried to, but I haven’t had anything to say to him in thirteen years. As much as I tried, I couldn’t come up with anything. Just figured… once I saw him, I might know. Or, he might say something, and then I’d have a response…”

“I’m sorry, Rhys.” I say it now, because I don’t know what else to say. The words never sound like enough, when someone is dead.

“I said, ‘You were a rotten father, and you couldn’t even stick around for me to tell it to you.’ Was that too harsh?”

Now it’s my turn to shrug. “It sounds like it was true.”

“And then they gave me a letter.”

“A letter?”

“A note, really. And his will.”

“What did the note say?”

“It said, ‘My son. I’ll be of more use to you dead than I was alive, but I’m sure you thought that anyway.’ And in the will he left me everything.”

“What?”

“I don’t know much about how he lived his last few years but I know he came from money. And there’s a massive house that I’m going to sell. So my dad is dead and suddenly I have more money than I know what to do with.”

“Rhys…”

“That’s a lot of conflicting things to feel, isn’t it?”

I bark a laugh. “It’s a few things.”

We lie in silence for a while, digesting the news. I think Rhys has been digesting all day.

“I’m buying the shop,” Rhys says. “For ma. And the others.”

“And here I thought I was going to buy it for you someday,” I tease.

“Well maybe I’ll give you the proceeds from the manor, in payment for my painting, and then you can buy the shop.” He gives me a sad smile, and I give him one back.

“And I’m going to get a house,” he says. “A real one, not a shit box. For me. And for you. If you’ll come with me. I know it's too soon, but it'll months from now anyway, maybe more..”

I put my hands on his face.

“I’d live with you in a shit box,” I say.

“You’ll never have to again,” he tells me, and then he kisses me so sweetly that I forgive him for keeping my underwear in his jumpsuit pocket.

****

The truth is, it didn't take me 2 months to write chapter 12 it took me this long to write this. It was in my head for so long and I just didn't have the juice to get it out, so I hope I did these babies justice. We're almost at the end, I just have to tell you the epilogue x

MASTERLIST

TAGLIST: @ghostlyrose2 @highladysith @stardelia @feysand-loml @tillyrubes10 @ratabrasileira @live-the-fangirl-life @maybekindasortaace @annejulianneh111 @thebonecarver @rowaelinismyotp @loosingdreams @pitrsattabhaadmeinjao @achernarlight @swankii-art-teacher @sjmships @courtofjurdan @teddytdr @positivewitch @thalia-2-rose @darling-archeron @rapunzel1523 @fairchildjace @hopefulacademia @story-scribbler @fandomstalker27 @realbookloverproblems @dealfea @s-tormwitch @cretaceous-therapod @whenyadoesntcutit @scatterbrainedgirl @whoever-you-choose-to-love @endlessdaydream @elentiya-whitethorn @rarephloxes @timesconvert @mis-lil-red @alerialumina

#feysand #feysand fic #acotar #it is SO LONG #like the longest chapter ive ever written #for the longest fic ive ever written #i think i'm just delirious at this point

[evelyne-am]

22nd March 2023

Day 9

I’m still slacking and to my horror others are struggling too here and there. Most of the cast is finding it tough to remember the new cues and lines and line distributions. We spent two hours on the first five lines today barely getting through the act one. Director is understandably furious. We got a proper yelling because we are just stumbling at every line. He reminds us we haven't even done the first two pages and we have 58 left. The song we open with is the one I made and I havent locked it, so we keep making mistakes on that first opening scene for over an hour.

I feel very angry with myself, even though my lackings are in a different place than others, M is correct when she says that we still haven’t jumped in fully. I wonder if I should stop writing the blog, it makes me feel like I’m still an outsider because I’m writing about it. But I also don’t want to stop because our director is really something and I would like to remember how I have been learning, how he is directing, and also these heightened emotions that I feel that may inspire me later. I already feel myself changing, my tolerance for inefficiency in my own teams is lowering. Even though I’m doing the same thing. Get to 100 percent AM!

We are on the 3rd version now. Originally we had thought it would be each person reads one part and is M1/M2/M3 turn by turn. 2nd version we played her at the same time, line by line like we are one person. Today's version seems final. There is only one M1/M2- though everyone else has dialogue its in 3rd person now. Sir seems to have picked M1/M2 as Sharm and Srab. They've played it the second day in a row. Sharm is doing super it I have to say. She’s the most experienced of the lot except M. shes able to stay in the zone and concentrate. We are working on act one which is basically pre 71, happisg times. I realise that we haven’t cried in a few sags. The first 6 to 7 days I was crying in rehearsal every day as we were learning the script. But as we are only figuring out the intros and beginning sequences none of it has been of the war of the crimes south so it’s very sort of mild. Md says that now we are forgetting the person who is actually telling the story. She is so right after rehearsal we are all feeling a bit down because I didn’t go well, I don’t blame the director for saying that he is going to see this for one more week before deciding if we will go through or not. Even though I know there’s a lot of preparation, the actual booking of the theatre, budgets, everything else is being done, so if you want to cancel you still can. After the rehearsal M calls me aside and says we need to fix that opening sequence, I’m very shame at least say yes let’s do it. She says come to our meeting tonight. I had plans to join the gym today because at this point I realise that we are no longer doing our morning exercise as we come in and go straight into the rehearsing of the play and I gained weight in the first nine days of rehearsals I’ve gained about 2 lb in any case postcode with my hunger is through the roof, stress from recent projects and personal stuff my hunger is through the roof, and though I still try to walk a little bit it’s not every day anymore like it used to be still only a few days week. also I missed the gym I haven’t been for over six months I used to love it so much. My plans though are now canceled. I go home and take a 20 minute nap and then I rush off to the meeting. Traffic is absolutely insane and I abandon my car and get a bike and thanks to a really nice bike I reach exactly at 7:29 when I am supposed to start the music work at 7:30. The meeting is in someone’s house, one of the core members of the group. I the first time see everyone in a more relaxed situation. The entire living room is split up the keyboard is kept open for me on one side on the other side people are making dinner on the other side the entire floor plan is being made with things draw been drawn to scale. The director seems to be in a better mood and everyone is figuring out logistics and planning things et cetera et cetera. everyone looks really nice they’re all dressed up in their normal clothes.

Did I ever mention that we have a sort of outfit that we wear ?. It’s T-shirts and pants that are not too loose or too tight; this is why you see me in a different T-shirt every day that is the actual uniform for rehearsal as it’s the one that is most flexible for all of our physical work. I’m the only one who still wearing my T-shirt and sweat pants. M is dressed in a sari and she keeps covering her head and I asked her why and she says that ever since the start of the play she dresses as a birangona at home. I have been considering doing a few things to keep the essence of the play with me when I go home, and I wonder if I can do the same or not I don’t know yet. I’ve considered giving up some of my favourite things to eat to do, just to channel a bit of the story is a bit more but A part of me realises that I might be best used to do the musical aspects then being a novice actor on stage, and the fact that I am in a Inner Circle meeting doing the structures for the music means that that’s also what everyone else is thinking. this is the first time that it is acknowledged at all in these circumstances that I have a sort of following all my own identity as a media person. Reference being we are trying to calculate how many shares to do how many tickets need to be sold how many tickets can be sold at certain prices and The host jokes that oh don’t worry Armeen will bring her own crowd. I have no idea if that’s true I know my friends would come. Overall it’s very light and jolly situation however once we wrap up our introductory song so I remind Sir that there is a second one to do and I actually feel like giving him ideas. I try to do a rap like spoken word piece and Azhar sort of points out doesn’t go. So I sort of give up for the day, I don’t know why I give up so easily these days. I don’t have a push sometimes when I don’t get my first brilliant idea naturally I give up very easily. The first song that I made for the intro it was literally the first thing that came out of my mind and it was based on a bunch of chords that I know that are good. The second song is different it’s not a soft song so not in my genre and obviously I am struggling with it and I just give up. but I admit it was nice to see The director a bit more relaxed; they all joke about each other and their romantic partners even Sir teases M, I’m a bit embarrassed so I just smile and sit in the corner. Our host is really sweet though she is evidently someone who has seen a lot of my work already and both the host chat with me a little bit. It feels weird to have references to my non-theatre life in theatre mode.

I’m struggling to fix my sleep schedule, when I go home it’s already pretty late, but I have my own things to do thoughts to have that I cannot ignore, I wish we were there were more days in the air, or more hours on the day that I could use to spend a little bit of time just thinking and also bloody apartment I don’t even have an AC right now and it’s getting really hot and I haven’t had the time to actually buy an AC and get it installed. Also I am dying to just organise my bookshelf it’s the first thing you see you when you enter my flat but despite the fact that I’ve had all the books nicely done I still do not have even 10 minutes to put the books in the order that I want to. I’m up till 2 am again with my own stuff. I haven’t memorised M2 either, I won’t say that I’m not enjoying being part of the music but I do realise it might lower my chances of getting any proper lines.

Oh God after disastrous rehearsal day I am a bit more relieved to see that the play is still being planned, they have decided to lower the number of shows from 25 to 19. M says it’s only physically durable to do the maximum 19 shows in a row. I have performed many many days in a row but never 19 shows I’m actually deeply looking forward to those 19 inches. Your girl hasn’t been on stage in awhile and it’s coming through.

[notesfromastranger]

The Promises

I want to try something different today. I’m not going to tell a story tied to a personal lesson.. I just want to walk you through a few scenarios and my thought processes throughout. By the way, the background to this is that I've been going through some things and I’ve been in a bit of a rut. So many feelings of unmotivation. I wanted to get out of bed but I couldn’t, I thought about cleaning the house but I didn’t. My appetite was non existent (hardly normal)! I recognized this though.. a bit of situational depression. So many times these thoughts would come up. The things I wanted to do to make myself feel better but that I mentally couldn’t tell my body to do. I started thinking about how I was going to get myself out of this. I hated this feeling but in a weird way I almost liked it. A masochist. I knew this had to end though, so the goal was to keep at least one promise to myself. The first thing that came to mind was to go to a therapy session. I felt like I needed it. Not sure exactly to what extent I needed it but I knew I did.

I walked in and my very young therapist greeted me at the door. I had heard through the grapevine that finding the right therapist was a bit of a journey and I got reminded of this when my mind emphasized her age. I sat down in her cute little room and began to spill the beans. Afterall, how else would she understand? I could tell that she was a little nervous herself. She didn’t appear confident. I knew that she wasn’t the right fit but it felt gooooodddd to vent to a stranger. I told her all of my neurotic thoughts and honestly I have to thank her for that. Not only that, but it felt like self care instead of just pouring my heart out to my best friends and feeling guilty because I just talked for 30 minutes straight. This was the first positive thing that I had done for myself in months it seemed and I got addicted to the high.

I told myself a couple weeks ago that I needed to work out. A lot of negative self talk with this one. So here is task number 2. Yoga class twice a week and running once. Yoga class 1 kicked my a**. I have a studio that I go to and this teacher has to be the hardest there. She kills me even when I haven’t been laying around for months. So maybe not the best class to start with. I survived it by pacing myself and basically sitting in child’s pose for 40% of the class. I liked it because I did it and honestly more so because I kept the promise to myself. Again, I felt the high.

Next was yoga class 2. This class was one that my dad suggested (family of yogis). It was taught by a mental health counselor who hosted this class monthly. She was a cute woman with really curly dark brown hair and the scent of a faint perfume which made me feel at ease. This was a restorative yoga class with hypnosis. This one was relaxing and absolutely no sweat involved.

Restorative yoga is a class where you hold 4 or 5 yoga poses for minutes each. There’s barely any moving involved. I had trouble with this part and struggled to find comfort in these poses. I asked for help a couple times due to the fact that I wanted to stay focused and get comfortable. I wanted the most out of this. She was extremely attentive and wanted me to get the most out of her class as well.

The hypnosis part was similar to a sleep meditation. During this part the therapist walked us through a scene to relax us and to help us stay present. Her voice was calming and had a certain rhythmic pattern to it. Of course there were a few moments where my mind wandered but there were also times where I felt like what she said really resonated with me and what I needed to hear. At the end of class she mentioned that she was a licensed mental health therapist and I thought, hmmm I think I’ve found my therapist. Her practice is located in the same part of town that I live in and she’s been doing this for 25 years! Experienced. Seemed like fate. I got another high. I kept another promise to myself and through this I discovered who I think will be important in my journey.

These are my first two promises and on Sunday, I will release the other important promises that I made and kept that brought me exciting events along the way. The small wins are what make up the big ones it seems. I’ve gotten myself out of that rut that I was in a week ago and I've rediscovered my inspiration. I’m sharing this with you in hopes that you will read this and let me know what you think. What are some things that help you, or that have given you the high? I love hearing different perspectives and appreciating someone else’s method. The path to spirituality takes a village.

#wisdom #higherconsciousness #higher self #meditation #law of attraction #healing vibrations #spirituality #self work #self love #energy #healing #thoughts #third eye

[mysadgirlside]

**please block me, don’t report me, this is my safe space**

Hi 🤍,

I’ve just recently got back to tumblr because of a new goal I’ve set myself. I’ve had an ed since I was 15 and I’m now 21.

At my lowest, still living in my parents house, I was 98 pounds.

At my highest weight, I was 130 pounds.

Right now, I live with my boyfriend. And last week I’ve decided to get back into my old habits of restricting. I haven’t been restricting since like 3-4 years now.

It’s insane how much tumblr got me to be motivated. I’ve set my goal and i will get there.

I don’t own a scale rn and I’m trying to not be as mean as I was to myself when I started at fifteen. Back then, I was also dealing with sh. I’m trying to be more kind and patient with myself this time. It’s been only one week and I can already see the results of my restricting on my body (<<<looser jeans & tops 🤭).

My stats

Height : 5’2

Weight last week when I started (estimated, I don’t own a scale) : 140

Gw (I will get a scale eventually) : 120

Hgw : 115

Facts about me

- I’m vegetarian (luv animals, not as a diet)

- I have emetophobia (no purging for me 🙅🏻‍♀️)

- My brain still debates sometimes if I should not be doing what I’m doing (restricting) because a couple months ago I was starting to accept myself as I was, with rolls, with cellulite, with fat on my thighs, my stomach and my face, and my arms ugh 😑. But I’ve decided that I can’t go on and see myself and be disappointed. I’m just trying to not be mean to myself and lose weight to have more confidence, find myself more pretty and be the better version of myself. I’m sticking with this mindset whatever my brain tells me 🫡

- What made me get back into it? I have a new job where I’m sitting all day. Don’t get me wrong I love my job but my last one was like a workout every day and I was walking around all day. Since I’ve been at my new work place I’ve started to have bad red stretch marks on my body and this, I couldn’t handle this. Seeing the marks.. my skin stretching because too much fat goes into me I couldn’t handle it..

My rules

- not go above approximately 1000c/day. I know for some 1000 is A LOT, but I see results, I eat healthier, it prevents me from binging and feeling bad about myself, plus exercising keeps me under 1000 when I do it (by burning the cals I ate)

- no eating from 7pm to 8am during week days (got to eat before work otherwise I’ll pass out 🫠)

- three little meals a day during week days

- no eating from 7pm to 10:30am or more during weekends.

- two meals a day during the weekend

- walk/bike/skate/exercise at least 2-3 times a week.

My goal

This summer will be mine. I’ll be confident. I just bought so many cute dresses that’ll fit me so nicely. I will be able to wear crop tops again!! And not feeling self conscious about my stomach!!!

I’ll be ok to wear my swimsuits and new ones (I had bought one pieces in the last year or so because I couldn’t see myself in bikinis anymore..)

I’ll be so pretty and I will be the thinner friend 😌.

My tattoos are gonna be even more pretty on me when I’ll be thin. I can’t wait.

Reminders

- What do I really want? A flat stomach or food?

- It’s hard yes, but think of your body in three weeks!

- I can still enjoy life without sweets, chips, and grease… I will certainly enjoy life with no rolls, thighs that do not touch and delicate hands.

- I can still eat just less, and by being mindful about what I put in my body and what quantity, my body will thank me. Plus, I will be more happy about my reflection.

🤍 if you want to talk I’m there and I’d love to be the ear you might need.

[sunball]

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR PERSON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW + A MESSAGE FROM THEM

𖦹 this reading includes what is going on in your person’s life right now, what they (or their higher self) want to say to you at this moment and songs they'd like to give you. this reading is more about your future spouse or your future partner, someone who you may not be in contact with but you're curious about what they're doing.

𖦹 so there will be two paragraphs for each pile (what your person is doing and what they want to say to you). you can choose more than one pile. ex: pile 1 for what your person is doing and pile 2 for the message.

𖦹 how does this work? close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you.

𖦹 take what resonates.

THE PILES

PILE 01

now playing:

now playing:

pile 01's songs

THEIR LIFE

hello pile 01, welcome to your reading. I'm getting a lot of fire energy here, especially leo. I'm hearing Leo in 1st and 10th house, aries in 8th house, aries mars, mars in 10th house and also Venus in 2nd and 3rd house. I'm also getting gemini and capricorn. capricorn mars, aquarius venus. If these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's placements. or perhaps, those are their transits. I feel a lot of confident energy from your person, I think they are at a good place right now. Your person has been betrayed and heartbroken quite recently but I feel like they're not trying to let that get to them. they're keeping their head high, focusing on their goals and working really hard. the pain motivated them to work hard, maybe as a way to get revenge? In their head, they may think that if they work hard, they can show off their success to the person that broke them like "hey, look at me now!". for some others, it's possible that they're working really hard because the work distracts them from the pain and the situation. they're acting like the pain isn't affecting them, I'm seeing them just laughing and hanging out with a group of people (their friends?) acting like theyre not dealing with any problems. your person is definitely at a period of time where work is only on their mind, they're hungry for success. success is the only thing your person is heading towards, it's the only direction they see. love isn't on your person's mind at all so I doubt that you've crossed their mind. but little do they know, the direction that they're heading towards will also lead them to you. your person may have travelled somewhere recently or maybe they're thinking of travelling somewhere else. there is change on the horizon for your person, maybe they will be promoted soon or moving countries, going to university, etc. they are so ambitious. I'm seeing piles of paper on desks, papers stuck on walls with dates and notes on them and also quotes. motivational quotes perhaps. your person is also working out, they could be getting up quite early. 6 am? I'm getting mad mars in 6th house vibes from your person. they're feeling burnt out, they have so much on their plate but they're not stopping anytime soon because they like it and also because they have no choice. they're also taking many responsibilities, I'm hearing house chores, work and looking after their parents or siblings. your person could be a student, a business person or they could work in an office. they're organizing their workspace and keeping track of their schedule, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. laziness is not in your person's vocabulary!

THEIR MESSAGE

you know, I am so busy right now. I'm too exhausted to even think about love, to think about you. I don't think about it anymore unlike before. I know at times you feel like we're nowhere close and you doubt my existence because of how distant I feel and I'm sorry. It is partially true, we're nowhere close to eachother and we're both individual human beings. let's live in the present and experience things and meet new people without having to think about eachother. I don't feel right about thinking of the future and just hoping for something to happen, hoping to just end up with someone like you. It doesn't feel right. I need to do something, I need to take action. that's exactly what I'm doing now. It gives me a sense of stability knowing that I'm taking action and there's a high possibility of my dreams coming true. I've promised myself that I won't stop working until I've achieved everything. I can't do all of this by myself, I need your help too. I'm asking you a favour, do your part. I'm doing mine. work hard and don't slack off. I'm sorry again for sounding cold, I'm not like this on a daily basis. I'm just really tired. I need to get my point across. don't slack off. please. I'll keep saying that. oh, that reminds me. at times I will definitely sound like a teacher or a boss, it's just a habit I got from work. It's not my intention to make you feel stupid, I know you're smart. I wanted you to know that because I don't want you to think I'm generally a cold person. I'm not. when tarot readers or psychics or astrologers or whoever says that I'm cold, they only mean when I'm at work or when I'm busy or serious. I would never be like that to someone I love, especially you. truthfully speaking, you don't know much about me at all especially if you think I'm a cold person. that thought you have of me stops now. I'm guessing that you're curious about me now. I like to look neat and clean, I don't like bright colours, they look unprofessional. I hang out with my friends sometimes and we just have lunch at a café or a local restaurant. I'm on my computer a lot so my back always hurts but I'm doing exercises to help me with it. I have too many cookbooks that I don't use because I don’t have much time, I end up freestyling my food and cooking up some eggs. I need to get better at managing time. I don't like people that don't practice what they preach, it irritates me. now for my appearance. this, in no way is useful information that will help us in any way but I suppose I'll just tell you. I have a sharp nose, it's pointy and a little wide. I don't have any piercings. I don't have bangs. as for my eyes, they're brown and deep-set. my lips? they're just lips. you'll love them anyway so it doesn't matter. my hair? neat and brown. you'll love it too. that's enough. you can stop trying to get to know me now, leave that for when we meet. you can know me more yourself when the time comes, I like the process of getting to know someone and the effort someone puts into getting to know me. until then, keep working hard.

PILE 02

now playing:

pile 02's songs

THEIR LIFE

I’m getting cancer energy from the pile, also pisces and gemini and libra. I’m hearing cancer/pisces/ libra venus, venus in 5th/7th/12th house, pisces moon, mercury in 7th house, cancer in 2nd house, gemini rising. if these aren’t your placements then they’re most likely your person’s, if not then these may be their transits. right now I feel like your person is trying something new, especially a hobby. I’m getting ‘painting’ for some of you. for others, your person has started something new like a project or they moved to a new house, something like that. there’s this feeling of ‘newness’ in your person’s life right now. they have so much passion for whatever this ‘newness’ is. they’re excited for this change, they can’t wait to move to the next stage. I’m feeling a positive energy coming from your person. their creativity is flowing through their blood, they feel inspired and joyous. some of you may not like to hear this but your person may have gotten in a relationship with someone or they want to get into a relationship with someone. they have a crush. I feel like there’s still an important choice to be made and your person has waited such a long time for the next stage, the relationship stage. I feel like their crush or their partner isn’t showing them that much attention, it feels quite one sided (your person giving more), they’re doing so much for their crush/partner but I feel like your person isn’t seeing it right, they’re just so blinded. like a little kid when they have a crush. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, don’t worry, they’re your person for a reason. anyways for others of you, I’m seeing your person listening to music while they’re doing their new hobby. painting is coming really strong, I’m seeing an easel. If it’s not a hobby then your person is feeling in love, whether it be a person or something else. their head is in the clouds, they’re listening to love songs, feeling so inspired by everything around them. love and venus themes is really important in your person’s life right now. If you’ve been listening to love songs recently or if you just feel all lovey-dovey, it’s most likely because of your person, you’re connected to your person. or if you feel inspired out of nowhere, it’s probably because of your person too. I just felt like I had to let you know that. sooner or later though, your person will realise that the relationship is one sided and they will give up on it. this will hit your person really hard, it will be a hard lesson for them. perhaps even the last lesson because I feel like your person has always done too much for people that don’t deserve their love. your person has experienced a lot and learnt many lessons except for this, when they learn this though, they will have learnt all the lessons. they can tick this off their box. I’m getting such wise Pisces vibes from them. for lots of you, your person is already in the 'realisation' stage and there's about to be a change in their life.

THEIR MESSAGE

It’s been challenging these days, maybe even these past few weeks and maybe even months too. It’s fine though, I can get through it. you don’t have to worry about me. I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen soon, disappointments? I’m not surprised, I’ve been so stuck in my own head. I don’t know why I keep giving people more. so stupid of me. maybe it’s not my fault? maybe it’s their fault for giving less, who knows. I don’t know how to stop. why do I do this? I keep getting disappointed over and over again, I’m starting to not have hope anymore. despite this, I still think love is beautiful. with the right person. love is not only limited to romantic love though, which is what I’ve learnt recently. I’ve been so fixated on romantic relationships that I’ve forgotten about the beautiful things around me. surprisingly, there’s love everywhere. do you know what I love? I love the stars, I love flat white coffee, I love the smell of fresh grass, I love nature and the sun, I love dogs (especially small dogs) and I love experiences. experiences that shape me into a better person, painful or not, I love those. not to sound masochistic – but I love pain. I learn from pain. love has always been painful for me but I’m still giving people my all, wrong people to be precise. Is that why I keep falling for people that don’t care about me? because I love getting hurt? now that I’ve thought of it, it sounds terrible. I need to fix that. I feel embarrassed now that you know this, please don’t shake your head. I will fix it. I want this cycle to end. don’t be worried about me. you should continue living your life, there’s yet so much you can experience. places to go, new people to meet, new activities to do. so much. I’d love to experience so many things with you. do you like road trips? I’d love to go on a picnic date too, does stargazing sound good? we could travel around the world, that’s on my bucket list. so many ideas but there’s still so much distance and time between us. I feel excited thinking about it, I want to do so much right now and experience so many things. by the time we meet, I might already have a long white beard because I’ll be so wise *laughs*. who knows, white hair does look awesome. I think it might suit me actually. on a serious note, I want you to know that you should not be afraid to try new things. don't be afraid of change. regret is scarier than change, staying in the same place and not growing is scarier than change. you may lose something good but what if you gain something even better? I’ll be there for you every step of the way, I’m always there for you even though I’m not there with you physically. do you feel me? I’m so proud of you. If you see an opportunity, take it or you’ll regret it later. don’t be afraid of saying no or saying yes, you deserve to be heard, assert your dominance *laughs*. I love you, take care of yourself. you can do it. [:

PILE 03

now playing:

pile 03's songs

THEIR LIFE

I'm getting mutable and fixed energy here, especially scorpio, virgo, leo, sagittarius. maybe scorpio rising and sagittarius rising with pluto in 1st house. I'm hearing saturn in 8th house, saturn in 22°, scorpio sun or moon aspecting saturn, pluto and sun or moon sitting in the same house. if these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's. these could be their transits too. your person is going through a transformation, something had recently happened in their life that has caused this transformation. I'm thinking it's death, a death of a loved one like a family member, a friend or a pet. someone close to them. If it's not a death of a loved one then it's a death of a cycle, a death of a job, a relationship, something like that. something that came to an end. it's affecting your person badly and they feel so much guilt. they're missing and mourning over whatever this is. they're pessimistic, they feel like the whole world is against them and that their would turned upside down. they have no hope anymore, they're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing that image of Yuu Otasaka from the anime Charlotte. I think your person is exactly like that right now. depressed. I see tissues, dark rooms and hoodies and blankets. also gaming for a number of you (interesting how the picture you chose is a picture of keys). they're going through it right now and they need support. your person is not communicating with many people or interacting with anyone at all, they're pushing people away. looking at the picture of the pile you chose, I realised it says "wish you were here". now this could mean that they wish that the person they lost were still with them or they wish that someone could come and support them or comfort them, or for a few amount of you, this could be meaning you. they wish you were there with them. however, I don't think love is a thought that comes in their mind in this period of time. it's more like, they're screaming into a void wishing someone could hear them, not directly meaning you. for others of you, I'm getting a different situation. your person may have gotten fired or they tried something but it didn't work out and they had so much hope for it. they badly wanted it to work out and now your person is feeling disappointed in themselves, like someone just ripped away something really valuable to them. your person doesn't know that the reason this, whatever this is, didn't work out is because it wasn't meant to. It's not part of their divine plan. It honestly saved your person from future problems but they don't know that. It's a blessing in disguise. I'm strongly feeling it's something related to their job or maybe love, 'right place, wrong time' is what I'm hearing. your person is blaming themselves for it all, thinking it was because of time, lack of planning or they didn't try hard enough. It isn't true, they should be easy on themselves.

THEIR MESSAGE

I don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying much. why do you want to know anyway? do you care? am I interesting? I'm not all that special, you know. here I go again, making sh*t sad. I'll try and make this light-hearted as possible because you shouldn't see this side of me, not so soon. not like this. *silence* I'll start off by saying that you can't control whatever life throws at you. but you can control your reactions and how you deal with it. I'm not doing very well, not dealing with it the way I usually do. It hit me hard and I don't like being sad like this and not doing anything, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not finding joy in the things I love doing. I hate this f*cking feeling and the way I'm dealing with it. I heard that you should let yourself feel everything once in a while. I'm f*cking feeling everything alright. why did I not let myself feel before? now it's all consuming me. all of my problems and emotions, this darkness inside of me, erupting. I regret this. I regret acting like I was fine before, finding distractions. now I know that being distracted doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone, the problem is still there. don't do what I did. let yourself feel. or it will all build up and eat you alive. you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad, god no. definitely not like this. but if being sad will help you then that's certainly fine by me, just don't act like you're fine. that will hurt me much more. just do what I say. showing emotions is not a sign of weakness. look at me, I'm so f*cked up because of not thinking that. this feeling will go away, right? right. If you need to let it all out, do it. I can feel your sadness, the nights you cried, I felt them. those tears of yours, I want to wipe them away but I'm not there. it sucks. I need you here. I need a good f*cking hug right now. I want you to be happy but I don't know how. I'd do anything to see that smile of yours. that precious smile that I have yet to see. I know it's precious. listen to me. I need you. I need you to stay strong. you're so strong and much more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am so in awe. your strength gives me energy, you give me energy. you're the light of my life. I hope our kids will be as beautiful and as amazing as you. I'm glad I was given the chance to talk to you like this. I love you, sunshine.

#pick a card #pick a card reading #pac #tarot reading #pick a pile #pick a pile reading #pick a card tarot #astrology observations #pick a pile tarot #sunballtarot #pac reading #pac tarot #free readings

[mysticalrambling]

Ending It All Part 2 (C.E)

A/N: Here you go guys. Much awaited part 2 is here. I am so in love with this particular fan fiction and hope you guys like it. If you want me to write any blurbs related to this series, do let me know.I am open to requests.

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Part 1 

Chris Evans Fan fiction (Fan fiction Masterlist)

Summary: Chris regrets divorcing you and he tries to mend the relationship. However, you have already moved on with Tom Hiddleston and are quite happy. He has to just stand back while you and your children become closer to Tom and it is all his fault.

Warnings: Angst all the way.

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“Coming in?” Chris turned his face towards you with a questioning look in his eyes.

“No, I have some work. Just wanted to drop the kids off myself.” Your ex husband’s house was on your way so you just saved him a trip.

“Not even for coffee, darling?”

“Sorry but I will have to say no.” You still got flustered when he called you with nicknames. You had once decided to tell him to stop calling you with all these terms of endearment but you couldn’t build up the courage to do it.

It has been over a year since your divorce and the moment you think you are over him, he is right there to bring those feelings back. You were a mess when he moved out and you had to see him on the weekends for the kids. It looked like you were drowning and you couldn’t come up for fresh air. It was exhausting but after several months, it didn’t hurt that much. It didn’t feel like your heart was tearing into shreds. You felt numb but that was better than feeling like your heart was being ripped out of your chest.

“That’s fine. See you Sunday?”

These were the only few sentences that were spoken between the two of you since the divorce. This was your new normal and you were starting to adjust to it. “Yeah, bye.”

“Who wants pancakes?” Sighing, he turned around and asked in a fake, cheerful voice. He didn’t get to be disappointed. These were the the seeds that he sow and he had to reap the results.

“I do.” A collective chorus came from the living room as they had already started to play with Dodger. Dodger was adopted from a shelter home about two weeks into the divorce. Loneliness was a destructive force and Chris hadn’t come to that realization until he was sitting in his home at eight, all alone. No laughter, no mess, no companionship. He went out that day and got a new dog. The apartment was eating him alive because it was a reminder of his ‘new life’. More like his ruined life.

“Daddy, you goin’ to be there for my match?” Jace looked up at his father and hoped that he wasn’t going to say no. There have been too many occasions this past year where he was not there for his children like Easter or Mia’s first day of school. He was either too busy with his career or he couldn’t bear to be with his family knowing that he wouldn’t be going home with them. He wasn’t strong enough to handle that truth.

“I’ll be there but I have work afterwards so I can only be there for half time.” The apologetic tone was all too familiar to the kids now so they just stayed quiet.

Chris noticed their disappointed look and continued, “When I get back, we’ll go to Disneyland for the whole weekend.”

“Mommy and Tommy will be going as well?”

Stopping in between making the pancakes, he asked with a venom laced tone, “Tommy who, Jace?”

“Mommy’s new friend. We like him.” Your son continued petting the dog without realizing the damage he is doing to his father. “New friend” was always a code for boyfriend and Chris didn’t know what to do with that information.

He knew that you had gone on a few dates with Tom Hiddleston because of the paparazzi. But he didn’t know that you both were serious. Your kids knew about him so it was pretty damn serious.

“He won’t be going with us.” Speaking with finality, he resumed cooking. You were his and that was not going to change. He knew he was being unfair but when it came to you, he lost all rationality.

“But he is our new dad.” Mia whined from her place and Chris just looked at her with a wounded look. His babygirl was putting someone else in his place.

His voice boomed throughout the house and both the kids looked at him with tears in their widened eyes, “I’m your only dad. Don’t you ever say that.”

“‘m sorry, daddy. Didn’t mean to make you mad.” Her chin wobbled and Chris was quick to realize his mistake. It was not your children’s fault. It was not your fault. It was his fault.

“Not your fault, baby. But you only have one daddy and that’s me.” Kissing her forehead, he wiped the single tear that managed to escape her blue eyes.

“’kay.” The kids got distracted again but Chris did not forget. He was still seething from the inside because Tom may have taken you away from him but he damn well couldn’t take his children.

They all get ice cream afterwards and the kids fall asleep in their rooms that Chris built from scratch. It was a lengthy process because he just kept remembering the times when he decorated their nursery with you. Such a beautiful memory and he was ruining it. The guilt ate him up inside when he realized that he may not get to ever decorate a nursery for your children again. He may not get to expand his family with you again. Again, it was his fault.

“Sorry, ‘m late. Work was hectic today.” Everything was so busy today because your boss signed up a new contract and he has been impossible to work with. You just wanted to go home and sleep for the whole week.

“It’s okay. They’re sleepin’ upstairs. Listen, we need to talk.” He was too consumed by anger and hurt to notice that you were too exhausted for everything.

“Go on.” You urged him, figuring that he might say that he won’t be able to make it to your son’s match. This was what most of your conversations were based on; him saying that he is too busy to be present at occasions related to your children.

“Why are my children referring to your boyfriend as dad?” He nothing but spat that sentence.

“I- I didn’t know about any of this. I’ll talk to them.” Stuttering, you tried to mediate the situation but nothing seemed to get through to him at the moment.

“No need. I already did that but for next time, keep your boyfriends away from my children.”

“Our children and I don’t let anyone near my children. We are serious.” You were offended by his crude tone and you weren’t just going to let him walk all over you.

“You can’t be serious with him. As a matter of fact, you can’t be serious with anyone.” Your ex husband declared it like it was a law. He didn’t know how to react to what you said. All the pain was converted into anger because that was his current form of expression.

“Are you serious?” This was all too much for you to handle. How could he say that?

“Yes. You only belong with me. I regret it so much (Y/N).” Chris’s expressions told you where he was going.

“Oh, stop. You can’t just do that. Can’t come bargin’ in my life and mess it all up again. I am happy.”

Chris reached out his hand but you took a step back. He was not allowed to touch you anymore. “I was mistaken. My career is not above you, darlin’. Never was.”

“You made me feel worthless. You made me feel as if I was the reason our marriage ended. Won’t allow myself to get sucked back into this relationship.”

“I know I broke our family. I tore us apart and didn’t even apologize for it properly. I’m so fucking sorry, baby.” There was a stream of tears running down his face and you wanted to wipe them away but you resisted.

There were still times when you wished that you were still happily married to Chris. That you still had your perfect, little family. The divorce made you feel worthless and lonely. There were times when you couldn’t even look at your children because they were the exact replica of your ex husband. You once adored the fact that they were his carbon copy. However, now you couldn’t help but get angry. How could he leave little pieces of himself behind and think that you could move on with your life.

It was all because you were with another man. He never said all these things when you were alone and you suffered from depression. There were days when you couldn’t get out of bed to get your kids ready for school. You knew that Jace had informed him because he was really worried about you and he always shared his troubling thoughts with Chris. But he didn’t do anything about it. He stayed quiet and you had to pull all the pieces back together yourself. It was all tape and glue. Your ex husband didn’t get to come back and dismantle your progress. You wouldn’t let him.

“You can’t do this. Can’t come back. I am with Tom now so stop trying to fix things that you already broke.” Your face was red with anger and all the energy was drained out of your body.

“Please, just give me a chance.”

“No!” You couldn’t choose Chris again. You had to choose yourself. You chose to think about your needs and your feelings for the first time in seven years. That’s why you agreed to go on a date with Tom. He surpassed your expectations the first time and you knew that he could be your partner. No one could compare to Chris but Tom made his own place in your heart and you were glad about it. You continued on, “Tom is good for me so please don’t ruin my happiness again.”

Tom was great. He was good with the kids and he was slowly becoming an integral part of your life. You still missed Chris because that man was the love of your life for seven years and those feelings can’t just disappear with a single piece of paper. You were glad to have Tom in your life and you knew that as time would pass, you will love him with your whole heart. However, a small part of you would never forget Chris and would always wonder about the what ifs. What if you were still together? What if you had more children? What it you got to grow old together? Broken dreams are what hurts the most.

“I don’t want to be a cause of that. Not again. But I want to make things right.” He unintentionally came closer to you, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. Sorry I wasn’t there for our kids. Sorry that I broke you, baby.”

“A sorry doesn’t fix anything.” His chest was hallowing from inside out but he didn’t want to back down. Not now. Not ever.

“Just answer one question for me. Are you truly happy?” A tremble was prominent in his voice but you tried to ignore it.

“I-I am. For a long time, I wasn’t but I am now.” You spoke with such conviction that he knew you were over him.

You would always love Chris but now it was time for you to move on with your life. It was time to leave the past and delve into the future. Chris would always own a piece of your heart but you are going to allow Tom to have an opportunity as well. You will open your heart again to love. You were sure now.

“Okay. I will get the kids for you.” He backed off like he promised he would. You knew at that moment that it was all over.

Watching you drive away with his kids was heart breaking for him and he just watched helplessly. Chris still wanted to cry, beg and apologize. He wanted you to take him back but it was all his fault. He ruined you once, he couldn’t do it again. He couldn’t interrupt your new life. It doesn’t all revolve around him but he was okay to remain on the sidelines while you enjoy your life. He will be there for you if you needed him.

You are happy and that should be enough for him but he wants to be selfish again. He wants to fight for you but it’s all too late. You were with someone else. He lost his chance.

Wednesday rolled in pretty quickly and Chris dreaded going to the match. You were going to be there with your new boyfriend but he didn’t want to miss his son’s game. He could only be there till half time already so it wouldn’t be that awkward.

“I just wanted to be here for Jace. Won’t cause any problems.” Chris took a seat beside Mia when he saw you shifting uncomfortably. The seat that should have belonged to him was currently being occupied by your boyfriend but Chris just bottled up all his feelings. It was not right to still think of you as his wife.

“It’s okay. Let’s just forget about everything.” You wanted to move on and did not want anything to hold you back.

“Okay. Mia, you want Kit Kat?” Offering her a large chocolate bar, he started talking with his daughter so that he could distract himself from you and Tom.

“What is happening, love?” Tom questioned when he saw that his former co-star did not even glance at him properly.

Chris and Tom were not the best of buds but they were still good acquaintances. He thought that dating you wouldn’t be a problem because Scarlett had informed him that Chris was the one who asked for divorce. However, this situation made him realize that Chris was jealous. He still had feelings for you and Tom didn’t know how to react to that.

“Nothing of importance. Let’s just focus on my baby boy.” Saying that, you cheered for Jace as he made his first goal. He was an exceptional player like his father and you knew that he would pursue football as his career. Jace was really passionate about football. If Chris didn’t become an actor then he would have definitely tried out for football.

There were times when he used to take you to the park so you would play with him. It was your thing. Maybe he had replaced you with someone by now as well but what you didn’t know was that Chris had stopped playing football altogether. Like many things in his life, it reminded him of you and it was just too much to bear.

“You are doing great, buddy.”Jace immediately asked Chris to pick him up as you gave him his Captain America water bottle. It was half time and Chris had to leave for shooting. He was getting late but he couldn’t bring himself to leave.

“Thank you, mommy. Ollie doesn’t listen to me that much so coach is angry at him.” Babbling on, he rested his head on his father’s shoulder.

“Okay, buddy. I have to leave now but I will call you when your game is finished.”

“Won’t be going with us to Chick-fil-A?”

“Uhh-” He cluelessly glanced at you because he didn’t know what his son was talking about.

“I wanted to give him a treat after the match.” Tom butted into the conversation to prove that he was a part of the kid’s lives as well.

Chris could have actually made it to the restaurant because he would be free in an hour tops. However, he decided against it. He had to take a step back for you. Of course, he would be there for his children but Tom should be given a fair chance as well.

“I won’t be able to make it buddy. You enjoy with Mommy and Tom. I’ll take you and Mia to Disneyland this weekend as I promised.”

“Okay, daddy. Love you.”

“Love you too, baby.” Giving him to you, he turned to leave. It was hard for him to do this but it had to be done. Chris wiped his eyes discreetly as he saw you all laughing together. This was his fault and he would have to bear the consequences.

Hope you guys enjoyed it!!

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A/N: This story had me in tears from the very start. I cried when I was writing it. Again, I am open to blurbs for this series and other requests. Tell me if you want to be added to my tag list.

Tag list: @peculiarpenman, @kalopsia-flaneur, @justile, @iguessweallcrazyithinktho, @jessyballet, @caanyoonmoon, @coldmuffinpartycloud, @marvelfansworld, @agnesk, @lauracontisstuff, @deepintothenature, @xcaptain-winterx, @nostxlgia18, @sophiaedits , @luckyladycreator2, @mrspeacem1nusone

Like, comment and reblog.

P.S. If you want blurbs and epilogue related to this series, please send in requests. I will need some ideas.

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#rachelleblodgettwrites #my writing #tv shows #wattpad #chris evans #chris evans fic #chris evans fluff #chris evans angst #chris evans x reader #chris evans x wife!reader #chris evans x kids #chris evans x female reader #chris evans x you #dad chris evans #steve rogers x y/n #andy barber angst #andy barber x female reader #captain america #mcu #my imagination

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex