#just thinking about how everyone in mash was regular looking and it was so sexy but iwtv manages to be the only modern show

[thealogie]

The really amazing thing about iwtv is that the leads are all traditionally hot but still have rizz and are sexy together. not usually the case

#just thinking about how everyone in mash was regular looking and it was so sexy but iwtv manages to be the only modern show #where they’re showing you Hollywood good looking leads with sexiness

[theravencawsatmidnight]

Little Pet. Part Three 💋(NSFW)

Warnings: Sexy time with Shiggy, lots of Praise .

A/N. Learning more about Reader yay!!! This is my first sharing of something Nsfw so yeah. Enjoy! Thank you for reading! All parts can be found under the MrShigaraki tag

Shigaraki had brought you back inside closing the door behind you. Everyone was happy to see you and Toga asked you to hang out with her for a bit. You looked at Shigaraki and he nodded in approval. You hugged him and went with Toga to her room to hang out. Shigaraki went to the couch digging in the cousins pulling his gameboy out abd sitting down turning it on.

Dabi joined Shigaraki on the couch streatching out and looking at the ceiling . Kurogiri was wiping down the bar and trying to get Twice to help him.

“So, boss, what she say?” Asked Dabi looking over curious.

“she said okay obviously.” He mashed the buttons on his gameboy while he talked. “ i did not think she would say no, its not like she causes problems for anyone.”

“She tell you what her quirk was yet?” He asked.

Kurogiri looked up and so did Twice . The button mashing stopped and Shigaraki looked over at the burned man for a minute.

“Im just curious is all Boss” he pursed his lips smiling.

“No, have not asked. “ he answered, annoyed

“But surely you are curious!!!! Maybe not” Twice added.

Shigaraki sunk into the couch groaning up at the ceiling . Sure, he wanted to know . Just never brought it up to you. Figured it was hard to talk about. Must of been pretty powerfull if clean freak took it away from you.

Toga was putting clips and what not in youre hair and making you try on clothes that were either hers or Dabi’s (that she took) and asked you a bunch of stuff about you.

“Oh my gosh Y/N! Im so happy we can hangout like this! “

“Heh me to Toga” you blushed looking all around her room then back at her happy face.

“So!!! Do you remember anything before Chisaki took you?”

You looked at youre hands, you had little scars in the shape of tiny thorns all over youre arms and fingers. You still remember the day like it was yesterday... the shot that took youre quirk away. It hurt... it felt like youre quirk gathered in one spot traveling to your hand and was ripped out with great force. But... befire Chisaki kidnapped you?

“No.. not really . I wish i did. I never heard anything on the news so i think i was just a regular person but with a quirk. Just another missing person heh.. but i know that i did not go to UA. So why would anyone look for me?” You forced a smile and pulled down youre sleeves , trying to push it from youre mind. “I... i remember i liked being outside a lot. The sun made me happy. Like it was giving me energy almost. “

Toga tapped her chin listening to you , she pouted hugging you very tight. “Y/N , dont think you are a nobody because you did not go to UA!!! The Heroes are nothing but a scam!!! They did not even look for you? Not once? No one reported you missing?”

You shrugged. “No. I dont know many people. At least i dont think so. I cant remember heh”

Toga grabbed both youre hands startling you. “Y/N! Everyone here loves you!!! We would so look for you okay?!?”

You smiled leaning into her feeling relieved. “I know Toga. You dont know how much i appreciate it.”

You hugged her thanking her again and decided it was maybe time to go to bed , Toga insisted that you keep the clothes even though the hoodie was Dabi’s.

“Uh.. i dont think Mr. Shigaraki will approve. Maybe you should give it back to Dabi.” You pulled it off folding it up and getting up. Toga frowned but waved goodbye.

You went back to the main room and waved as you passed going down to youre room. Shigaraki looked up from his game and got uo to follow you. He locked the door behind him . He observed you before saying anything , so careful , quiet.

You looked up at the window with a frown, you just wanted to open it and let the fresh air in. You wanted the sun to shine in here during the day so bad . Reaching up you were just under the window unable to open it

“Pet.”

You jumped looking over seeing Shigaraki looking at you, he was slightly hunched over.

“What are you doing...?”

You put youre hands up. “Not what you think Mr.Shigaraki!!! It just gets stuffy in here ... i want some fresh air in the room... i miss the sun too so i thought if i got it open the sun could come in...”

He went to the bed resting his elbow on the bedframe laying his head on his hand. “Come here, Pet.”

You walked over holding yourself. You were telling the truth.. did you mess up youre chances of being outside?

“Sit,Pet” he pointed between his spread legs.

You did. You sat down on youre knees looking down. You felt him staring down at you, his gaze was always gentle but.. he could be really scary when he wanted to be . Slowly you felt a hand gently grip youre cheek . He slowly moved youre head up so you could see him . His hair was hanging over his eyes , slowly his hand traveled up youre cheek to youre head into your hair gripping lightly . He tugged a little gently and a little hard at the same time making you blink and gasp.

“Are you lying Pet?”

“No Mr.Shigaraki. Believe me i-“

He tugged again making you stop.

“Are you sure? Id hate for you to be lying to me Pet.”

Youre heart rate kicked up and you fought back tears. “Im not lying Mr.Shigaraki. I promise. Believe me i like it here i do. When the sun shines on me .. i feel like im re energized is all..”

Missed the fresh air? The sun ? .. energized? He lossened his grip on you moving his hand away. You pouted when he let go of you, he seemed far away now. Shigaraki moved his hand to youre chin gripping it . He had to ask now, but it could wait till after.

“Pet, i believe you, and for being so good im going to give you a little reward” he let go of youre chin and leaned in to the bedframe sighing.

“Thank you Mr.Shigaraki i-“

“Unzip me.” He ordered cutting you off mid sentence.

You held youreself for a minute feeling youre cheeks flush a nice red color. You reached out to his black pants slowly unzipping him . He reached in pulling his member out for you . You gently gripped it with both hands starting a slow stroke up and down.

Shigaraki shuffled around relaxing against the bed frame watching you, youre hands felt so nice on him, he groaned lightly at the sensations as he watched you.

“Such a good Pet making me feel good” he cooed down at you

You felt youre cheeks flush again as he talked, you loved hearing him say things like that. Hearing you were a good pet , it made you happy.

You moved youre left hand to the tip of him rubbing in circles with youre thumb and worked his shaft with youre other hand in a quicker pace now.

“What a .. umf.. good Pet. “ his breathing was getting a little staggered as his arousal grew more and more. “Do you like making me feel good Pet?”

“Yes Mr . Shigaraki!” You smiled blushing as you ran youre thumb in opposite circles, the pre coating the tip now with each circle.

“Umf.. Pet.” He gripped youre hair petting you, lightly thrusting up into youre hands. “Good Pet... what a good little Pet you are.”

You whimpered happily as you jerked him properlly now. Shigaraki’s breaths were heavy now and he was gripping youre hair in a tight fist with his pinkie up.

Shigaraki sucked in a breath feeling his release build up inside him . Sweating lightly as he watched you.

“Open.” He ordered

You looked up letting youre bottom jaw fall open, Shigaraki waved youre hands away and placed the tip on youre tongue finally releasing. He let out a gasp for air as the feeling washed over him. You swallowed his seed and licked the tip till it was clean. Shigaraki took his member out putting it back in his pants . He rubbed his face then looked down at you, you were wiping youre mouth .

“Up... umf..”

You got up and laid down with Shigaraki, he lightly pet youre head

“Good Pet. “

“Thank you Mr.Shigaraki.”

You were quiet while Shigaraki came down from his high. Waiting for him to relax before you said anything else.

“You uhm.. mentioned something about the sun and energy or whatever”

“Huh? Yes i did why ?”

“What was youre quirk pet?”

With that one question all youre happy memories about youre quirk came back. You felt youreself close up mentally, sinking into a pool of memories with no ladder in sight. It was dark. And you felt like you were suffocating .

*

#MrShigaraki #my hero academia fanfiction #my hero academia writing #reader x shigaraki #tomura shigaraki #shiggy #boku no hero #fanfiction #mha fan fic #my hero academia fan fic #kurogiri #league of villains #toga himiko #dabi

[wordynerdygurl]

Costumes & Kittens

Summary: You convince Loki to dress up for a Halloween party and then enjoy a private after party.

Loki x Reader

Warning: SMUT, Funny, Loving Loki

"Are you really going to put on a costume?" Sarcasm dripped from every syllable Loki uttered over the idea.

"Heck yes! And you are too! Right?... Right?" But the look on Loki's handsome face explained exactly what he thought of the idea. Begging him you continued, "Oh, come on! It's so fun!! You get to be someone... or something else for a night."

Waiting for the walk signals to change, Loki looked up and down the street but not at you while saying, "I understand the custom. The appeal of it... but isn't this just child's play? Nonsense?"

You shrugged. "So what if it is? What's so wrong with letting your inner child out to play?"

"My inner child is a miniature frost giant with daddy issues and a desire to conquer... I don't think that's a costume one buys at Target, dearest."

You laughed, he wasn't wrong, really. "No, I guess not... but maybe you're looking at this all wrong. Maybe the question is, 'If Loki Odinson could be anything, what would he be?' Ya know what I mean?"

Shrugging Loki replied, "Anything? I'd be King of Asgard. Or the Universe."

"Be serious for a minute?" It's a tiny bit exasperating trying to explain these kind of things to Loki.

"Serious about a children's fancy dress party?" His eyebrows lifted archly.

"No. Serious about the question. What does Loki want to be when he grows up?" Punching his strong arm playfully, you drive the point home by batting your long lashes at The God of Mischief. He pulls you into a one armed embrace and kisses you sweetly.

"You know I'm over a thousand years old, right? I'm technically over grown at this point." Loki reminds you as he pulls open the door to your favorite restaurant.

"Funny, you don't look a day over 800." Loki nods, chuckling at your quick wittedness. You lean against him, waiting for the hostess to acknowledge your famished existence.

"So, you're going to dress as what, exactly?" Curiosity had Loki caught in its web. Reaching up on tiptoes you kiss his cheek and reply, "That, my dear, is a surprise, unless you want to do a couples costume? Like Doc and Marty... or Westley and Buttercup?" Loki scrunched his nose up.

"Ok. Too soon... so, what about you? Any ideas of what you'd like to be?" The pair of you are flirting like a teenagers as the restaurant hostess finally smiled at you. Leaning into your neck Loki nips your ear gently then husks, "The man who makes your quim quiver."

"How many?" The hostess, slightly put out by your public display, is looking at you with impatient eyes. Your mouth has gone dry with lust so Loki answers, "Just two, dear."

---

"This party is amazing!" You shout to Wanda over the pulsing music. She looked so cute as a rainbow unicorn, her golden horn bobbing in time with the 'Monster Mash'.

"You look so good! Oh my goodness, how funny!" Doubling over, Wanda was in tears at your costume, and you had to admit it was pretty hilarious. "Nat! Come here!"

"Noooo! This is great!! Loki's gonna lose it!" Natasha clutched her flapper's boa closer as she giggled.

"Thank you guys! I worked really hard on it!" You were incredibly proud of your look tonight. Black boots laced over your calves to your knees. The armour you'd pieced together from leather scraps and duct tape hugged your torso in green and gold flaring into a matching skirt. The best part was the flowing emerald cape that had started life as a satin sheet but now followed behind you like a green shadow.

Recreating Loki's horned crown had taken weeks of meticulous papier mache, sand paper and gold spray paint but damn, you felt like Asgardian royalty. Did Loki have this sense of power all the time? You shivered a little at the thrill of it.

Knocking back a long swig of your beer, laughing at Sam and Bucky dressed in those tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber, you realized this party was in full swing. Maybe that's why you were taken by surprise when a low, familiar voice crooned in your ear, "My queen."

Spinning on your heeled boots, you found Loki at your side, hands behind his back, smirk firmly in place. His eyes swept over you, taking in the details of your costume with a raised eyebrow, causing blue flames of excitement to curl low in your belly. You felt a creeping blush rise over you and channelling your inner God of Mischief you defiantly raised your chin Loki's direction.

"Yes... kitten?" Now, Loki called you kitten almost everyday, and it never failed to make you purr. Tonight, you used the endearment because the Trickster was dressed in a jet black three piece suit, black shirt and tie, with two tiny ebony cat ears on his head. His cheshire grin didn't hurt his ensemble at all.

"You look... well, almost as good as I do in that suit." His tone is light but you read a touch of approval in the mix. With a hand over his heart, Loki adds, "I'm honored that you went to all this trouble, little one."

Feeling emboldened by the role you're dressed for, you look down your nose at Loki, just like you'd seen him do countless times before. "Trouble? Not at all. This was something I had lying around. I thought these mortals would appreciate seeing a goddess in all her splendor."

Laughing, Loki replies, "Well you are certainly fearsome, my lady. And may I say, you have excellent taste."

You laugh too, "You may! Come on, let's get you a drink!" Grabbing Loki's hand in yours you pull him towards the bar. The crowd thins a bit as you get further from the music so it's easier to chat. Once you each have a cold beer, you perch on the countertop while Loki leans against the kitchen counter, again looking you over.

"I would be a beautiful woman." He stated wistfully. You snort, almost spitting up your suds. "I don't know about that, but you're a pretty sexy cat, Loki." You reached out and flicked one of the furry ears.

After a sip from his bottle Loki counters, "Of course I am." Curling his free hand into a claw, he does his best feline impression, "Meow!"

With a wide smile you casually say, "You dressed up. I wasn't sure you would."

"You said I could be anyone or anything." Loki's lip lifted into a knowing half smile. Nodding, you concede, "I did." Clinking the necks of your beer bottles together you flash Loki a slow smile. You draw your bottom lip between your teeth as you look at your black kitty cat, practically purring yourself. Loki watched your mouth move, his own lips parting slightly, as he leaned towards you.

You closed your eyes in anticipation of Loki's lip lock when you heard, "Reindeer Games! That is not an acceptable costume!! You can't just wear your battle gear..."

Tony stopped short when he saw your head snap around, golden horned crown bobbing slightly with your movement. Loki peeked at the intruder over your gossamer green shoulder. "Oh. My mistake. Great outfits. Party on." And with that Iron Man, dressed in a perfect replica of Elton John's glitter baseball uniform, swiped a bottle of vodka, and swaggered towards the noise.

"Wanna dance?" You're hopeful that he'll say yes because Loki is great on the dance floor, and he knows it. Grabbing you each a fresh beer, Loki nods, "Yes, my liege." And you laugh again at his deference to your implied title. "Then let's go!" Impatiently you stride back to the waiting crowd of friends singing and partying the night away.

The night passes in a blur of dancing, drinks and laughter. Everyone gets a kick out of you as Loki. You play up the role, ordering people to kneel like he would usually do, cracking sarcastic comments and snide remarks with regularity. You're overconfident and you're high on the bossy bitch this get up brings out in you.

"Kitten, grab me another, will you?" Rubbing under his chin like you'd do to a real little black kitty cat, you stroke one of Loki's velvet ears sweetly before brushing a kiss over his lips. He moans softly at your gentle petting and murmurs, "I think this kitten is ready to call it a night, darling."

You catch his eye and see what he's really saying. It's bedtime, not lights out, something that causes a blush to rise over you. Swaying away from Loki you tease, "You got it, cool cat."

Goodbyes take forever because all of you are well over the tipsy line. Wanda squeezes you for five minutes, unwilling to part from you, trying to tell you a story that she swears is hilarious but you just can't seem to follow. Tony tries to steal your crown but you wrestle it away just in time, blocking Steve from snatching it back again. You wave at Natasha but she's got Bucky pinned under her on the sofa, his orange top hat perched on her head and his hands on her ass.

Loki was waiting for you at the elevator, doors open. "How did you leave everybody?"

"Natasha and Bucky are totally hooking up tonight!" It spilled out of you with a drunken laugh as you stepped inside the mirrored moving cube. Pushing the down button with a skeptical smile Loki asked, "Really? Any other odd couples come out your costume convention?"

Suddenly serious, you step into Loki's space saying, "I'm going home with a black cat. That's fairly odd, since, ya know... I'm allergic to cats."

"I promise you, this tom cat is hypoallergenic. No mangy fur... no troublesome litter box." Boxing Loki against the reflective wall, your eyes lock on his ice blue ones, "And is he well behaved? I don't want a naughty kitty in my bed."

Swallowing thickly, Loki husked, "Maybe just a little." You pushed your body into his, collapsing the space between you, kissing along his throat. Loki lifted his chin with a hungry moan as you nipped his Adam's apple, leaving your mark on his pale skin. Grazing your lips over his strong jaw you make sure to pay extra attention to that sensitive spot just under his ear, where tendon and muscle meet.

"Good kitty." Your whispered praise makes Loki blush faintly, his trousers tighter now, as his body responds to your devious teasing. Pushing away from him when the elevator dings, you clasp his hand and drag an excited Loki into the night air.

With your heavy boots and swirling cape it seems like your stride has widened. There's a power in you that dressing like The Trickster has released and it made you feel other wordly. If you were behaving like your god, cocksure and dominate, then Loki was a mewling furball right now, content to be led wherever you went. You lace your hand to Loki's and start steering you both through the neighborhood, back to your home.

It takes a little bit longer than normal as the streets are full of Halloween party people enjoying the chance to be different for a night. You have your keys ready so it takes no time to slip it into your lock. As you bend over, ready to turn the knob, you feel Loki at your back. His strong hands roam over your hips tugging you into his hard, honed body.

"Uh uh little kitten. It's not time to play just yet." You admonish him while forcing him to release you. "Darling!" It was a whine. You'd never heard Loki beg before and the sound of it made your core clench, unchecked excitement coursing through you. Stepping inside, finally, you didn't pause for a drink or a trip to the ladies room. No, you stomped right into your bedroom, Loki in tow.

There's a moment right before snowflakes start their fall when all the world waits in quiet silence for the flurry to begin. A beat, maybe two, where the balance of nature breathes before being tipped one way or another.

This night, when you faced Loki across your soft carpeted floor, dressed in a replica of his armor, you felt that peaceful pause. Loki stood beside your closed door, eyes snapping with unreleased heat, looking sweet as homemade sin, in that black double breasted suit with pointed pussy cat ears and a hungry grin.

To him you looked like a vision come to life. Where Loki was long and angled hidden in that leather and steel, you were curvy and soft. The corseted costume accentuating your bust, those tall boots lengthening your legs, even the helmet looked sexy and dangerous framing your sweet face.

"Loki..." Reaching out a hand to him, you felt the world tip into frenzy as the flurry started.

It took him two steps to reach you. One hand wrapped around your waist, tucking you into Loki's side, the other curled around your neck, supporting it, as your mouths met. Feasting on your lips like a starving man, Loki deepened the kiss when he buried his hand in your hair and pulled your head back firmly. You felt his other hand brush over your ass cheek before Loki squeezed down hard.

Moaning, "Loki... Loki..." you were being driven out of your mind by his talented tongue. His hand followed the hem of your skirt and you moaned when you felt Loki's fingers slide under the elastic leg of your panties.

Placing a flat palm against Loki's chest, you push away from his embrace. He lunges for you once more but you wiggle free of his grasp, cheeks enflamed and breathing hard. You stop to straighten your helmet before asking, "Little kitten... your goddess has a question for you. Why is no one licking my thighs?"

Loki growls, sounding like an actual rabid animal, as he stalks over to where you're standing by the bed. He shoves you down to the mattress, following you into the soft surface, and kisses you deeply again.

"Be gentle, little kitten..." You teasingly remind the dark prince who is laying between your parted knees. Looking down at you like a cornered mouse, your black cat promises, "You're going to find out that kitties have claws, lovey."

Without pausing, Loki's palms push roughly over your long leather boots. You sigh when his rough skin connects with the smooth satin of your inner thighs. He follows the path blazed by his hands with his moving mouth. A lick, teeth tasting, thumbs kneading, trailing closer to your apex, warm and wet and waiting. Loki switches sides, searing his route to your molten core into your memory.

Reaching for him, you run your hands through his long dark locks, fingers connecting with those little furry triangle ears. You groan when Loki yanks down your underpants, pulling them free over your footwear. Echoing your need, Loki chuckles, "Look at this... my queen, wet and writhing before me. Being me for a night did this?"

Eager to get Loki back to business you counter, "Yes... it feels... amazing."

Rich laughter bounces around your bedroom as Loki says, "It certainly does! Listen, I really like this suit, so give me a moment, won't you darling?"

Sitting up on your elbows, cape bunched beneath you, legs open obscenely you stare at Loki, already loosening his tie. "Um... your queen is NOT ok with taking a break. Get over here and finish what you started!"

One arm free from his dark coat, Loki freezes. "To do that I need to be unencumbered by these clothes, my lady."

Huffy now, you grumble something about rotten timing and shimmy your skirt off without leaving the bed. Loki's shirt buttons are abandoned as he watches you, naked below the waist, corset and cape still shrouding you, helmet on but askew. It's ridiculous and righteously sexy.

"I'm just gonna do it myself. Don't worry Loki, I've got it." You move your hand down your soft tummy, closer to your throbbing clit, anticipating the firmness of your arousal.

"Wait! That's not fair!" He has one leg out of his trousers, hopping around, trying to get them off so he can get back to getting you off.

"Fair schmair, kitty cat." Your fingers spread your lower lips, sweetly dipping into your wetness, the friction making you shiver. Loki, naked except for those ears, locked a tight hand over your wrist. "Allow me."

You try to shrug him off but Loki is able to bring your hand to his lips. Slowly he draws those tasty fingers into his warm mouth savoring your flavor. Blue eyes piercing yours, Loki drops your hand, saying "Now... my troublesome little dictator, this kitty thinks you need a tongue bath."

It's your turn to growl. Loki's strong hands fan over your hips, sliding seductively over your legs. You gasped when he jerked your booted knees over his broad shoulders bringing your liquid center closer to his hungry mouth. Exhaling a hot breathe against your aching cunt, Loki chuckled lowly as you thrust forward, searching for his touch.

Your sigh of frustration turned into a squeal of pleasure when Loki licked firmly through your drenched skin. Flicking his tongue over your clit with tiny licks, like a cat lapping at milk, Loki had you near to climax in minutes. His cat ears tickled the rarely touched place where your pelvis meets your thigh, sending shivers through you. With a rough bite to your straining nub, he pulled away. "Loki! Keep going!", you practically shouted.

But you needn't have bothered. Slowly circling your fleshy pearl, Loki drew it between his soft lips, sucking lightly. You bucked against this delicious torment but Loki's grip on you tightened. His thumbs opened your dripping slit, giving him full access to plunder your depths with his articulate fingers.

Rocking your hips against Loki's hand, his mouth still taking nips and nibbles of you, your orgasm gains power. Your breathing catches, happy hums streaming out of you, as your inner walls tighten around Loki's driving digits. "Loki...... I'm going to cum..." It's a warning and a promise.

"Oh, sweetling, let go. Let me feel the power of your pleasure!" When Loki pressed down on your clit while curling his fingers against your velvet walls you lost your battle with control. First your muscles locked together in glorious, bone cracking tension, then you fell apart like a puppet with cut strings.

Loki stroked your silken skin through your climax, easing your body back to earth. Instead of stealing your energy, your release made you want more. Rolling up onto your knees you reach for your little kitten, tangling a hand in his ebony locks, before forcing your lips together.

You rush your hands down Loki's strong core, over the corded muscles of his abdomen, stopping at the heavy length of his cock. Through gritted teeth Loki sighs, "Careful darling."

"Would you be careful, my kitty cat? I don't think so." Sliding your soft palm along his steel length, you add a touch of pressure, and rub your thumb across his glistening head. Stroking Loki, you kiss him again, your tongue working against his mouth to the same rhythm as your hand.

Loki breaks your grip with a strained groan. "Inside you. I have to be inside you.", he whispers as he drops his forehead to yours, staring into your eyes.

Tenderly you sigh, "Fuck, Loki. That's hot."

Smiling broadly, he nods, "I know, Right?"

Before you can respond, Loki's laid himself on your bed, back resting upon the headboard, his erection proud and ready. "Come here!" Patting his lap, excitement evident, he's in a rush for you to join him.

Pausing to unzip the restricting corset you've been in all night, you let it and the satin cape slide off your shoulders but you keep the boots on. Loki's eyes drink in your gorgeous body, his bottom lip held in anticipation. You reach up to remove the paper helmet hugging your brow only to stop when Loki hummed, "Keep it on."

Giggling softly you nod. There's something carnal about your near nudity which makes you feel emboldened. It's that same power you had in Loki's costume, the feeling of infinite possibilities, all uniting for you. The thrill of it makes you slick with need for the wicked man you're straddling between your thighs.

Your pelvis streched over Loki's, his straining cock pressed between your bodies, those large hands of his molded to you hips. Stroking his length once more, you raised up on your knees and guided him into your tunnel. Loki pushed down on your curves, driving himself inside of you with glorious purpose in one stroke.

Stuttering out a curse word, your head fell back, exposing your neck to Loki and his ravishing lips. With his strong arms pulling you tighter, you rolled your being onto his, taking more and more of Loki's body each time.

When his lips found your breast you groaned. Out of instinct you gripped Loki's head and pulled him closer. His hands drifted down your spine, over your ass cheeks, and hugged you tighter than you thought possible. Your nipples were covered in wet kisses, faint impressions of Loki's teeth were red on your skin, and still you wanted more from him.

Grinding together, your sensitive bud rubbing so deliciously against Loki, your body nears the peak of its passion. His grip on you drags you down, harder and harder, spearing your spiral of desire. Your tender walls shudder around the hard heat of his member. "You're going to cum, little one. I can feel it. Please, please cum for me."

The humid breath of his broken whisper in your ear sends your body into bliss. Shuddering around Loki's bones, you hear him grunt and hold your hips wide over his own as he spills his sexual release into your receptive skin. Gripping him hard enough to bruise, you're locked together, sharing a single body... a single breath.

It takes you both a long while before your breathing returns to normal. Never taking his precious blue eyes off of yours, Loki brushes a stray strand of hair behind your ear. "I hope my queen is satisfied..." he teases.

"Hmmmmm... yes... yes she is... and my scary black cat?", you ask as you flick one of the flocked ears, now slightly askance. "Oh, he'd purr in pleasure... if that were possible."

Loki stirs inside of you making you jump. "Wait... please. Just a little longer, Loki." You're not ready to let go of his body, his spirit, his heart, just yet. Wrapping your arms across his shoulders, you rest your chin in the crook of Loki's neck and idly play with a lock of his hair.

"Loki?" You murmur, drowsy and still a teeny bit tipsy.

"Yes, darling?" He turns his bright eyes to yours.

"Next year we're going as Westley and Buttercup, from The Princess Bride..." You yawn and slide off Loki's lap, wrapping the comforter around you both.

With a gentle smile, Loki answers, "As you wish, little one."

#hot loki #loki smut #loki of asgard #loki fanfiction #loki fanfic #loki odinson #loki fluff #loki #marvel smut #marvel #mcu smut #marvel fanfiction

[teaandgames]

The Tea Times - March (2020)

No way around it, March has been one big kick in the crotch for the most part. I hope everyone out there is keeping safe and staying indoors. Your health is not something you want to gamble with. Still, there have been a few juicy game releases to help stave off some of the madness. If nothing else, it’s some free time to catch up on the gaming backlog. I’ll be working from home though, so I’ll just have to resist the temptation of DOOM Eternal.

At a glance

DOOM Eternal, Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Ori and the Will of the Wisps, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Rescue Team DX, Exit the Gungeon, Half-Life: Alyx, Black Mesa released.

Amnesia: Rebirth, KnightOut, Sea of Stars revealed.

From Cyberpunk to Witcher

E3 Has Been Cancelled!

A Small Update on PS5 backwards compatibility

The Releases!

Phew, a lot to get through here so forgive the cherry picking. I’m also starting with my favourite cherry, DOOM Eternal, which was released on March 20th. I have played through the entirety of the singleplayer and can confirm it’s the same delicious blend of chaos that made 2016’s DOOM so good. It has a few issues here and there of course, but if you like your shooters old school and your guns large, check out DOOM Eternal.

Also on March 20th, which spawned a flock of memes, was Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I’ve had a fleeting romance with Animal Crossing back in the day and I enjoyed myself. It hits the same notes as Stardew Valley, in fact it was probably one of the first series to focus down on making its players relax. Given what I’ve heard about New Horizons, it’s a pretty solid entry into the series. Worth picking up if your stress levels are getting too high.

Ori and the Will of the Wisps sits second in my ‘to play’ list, right after DOOM Eternal. Ori and the Blind Forest was downright beautiful. Hamstrung a little by the rather simple gameplay, but managed to pluck my heartstrings like a harp.The sequel looks equally as breathtaking, so I’m interested in experiencing that once again. That and sinking my teeth into another metroidvania.

I’m afraid I don’t have too much more to say about Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Rescue Team DX that I didn’t say last time. It’s not a series I have much experience with. Still, Pokemon has a reputation for a good reason and I’m sure this follow up is going to be as good as the rest of the series. It was released on the sixth of March.

Exit the Gungeon, the platform style mash up of Enter the Gungeon, released on March 17th. It flips things on its head a bit, with us not trying to delve deeper into the Gungeon. Instead we’re climbing out of it while it crumbles around us. It does however keep the juicy elements. It’s still a roguelike and there’s a whole host of guns to collect. Worth picking up if your run in the Gungeon isn’t quite over yet.

Half-Life: Alyx’s best contribution to the world of gaming is all of the videos of people screwing around. Drawing crude things on the windows, throwing bottles around and just generally having fun. There’s also the usual Half-Life depth and the scary headcrabs but we’ve upgraded our gravity gun tomfoolery. Unfortunately, I’m not in a position to do VR at the moment but if you are, then know that Half-Life: Alyx came out on March 23rd.

Continuing the Half-Life theme is Black Mesa, which was officially released on March 5th. Not really too much I can say about this really. You don’t need me to say that Half-Life is a good game, ninety percent of the internet says that on the regular. Black Mesa puts the right kind of polish in, preserving the core experience while removing all of the outdated clunkiness. Xen is now finally in too, so it’s the time to pick it up.

The Announcements

Frictional Games’ ARG has now borne fruit: Amnesia: Rebirth. The trailer doesn’t give too much away (at least to my ignorant eyes) but there seems to be a blend of the modern world in with the past and the… weird. That’s pretty much Amnesia’s forte. While I am a little sad that this isn’t a brand new IP, given how well they crafted SOMA, it should be interesting no matter what. I imagine we can expect the usual run’n’hide gameplay, but hopefully with a thoughtful story to bring in some of those slower scares. It’s knocking on your door in Autumn of this year.

I’m always on the lookout for some nice looking couch co-op games and KnightOut caught my eye. It’s seemingly about building a castle, together with a friend, then doing your utmost to destroy your rival’s castle. Castle building looks to be right down to the individual blocks, so good builders may make a solid fort. Until the destroyers get their job on and tear it to shreds of course. It should be out on early access on March 27th.

Sea of Stars caught my eye with just how pretty it looks. It has a definite old school inspiration running throughout. Graphics and gameplay remind me very heavily of Chrono Trigger, which I imagine will count as high praise for many. It’s a turn-based RPG which looks almost seamless from the trailer. Whether it will hold up while the retro gamers get a hold of it will remain to be seen but right now, it’s pretty charming. It’s on Kickstarter right now, so I don’t believe there’s a solid release date beyond 2022.

The CyberWitcher

With everyone focused in on Cyberpunk 2077, I imagine not many people have been thinking about what’s going to come after. Except CD PROJEKT RED of course, who are going to switch tracks back to the Witcher it seems. This comes from studio president Adam Kiciński who says that they now have two worlds they want to make games in, so they’ll switch between Witcher and Cyberpunk.

While I imagine this does hinge on Cyberpunk 2077 being a success, I don’t think we’ll have too much to worry about. It does mean that these worlds are going to be more and more fleshed out, which is interesting. Let’s just hope they don’t phone anything in.

Oh and CD PROJEKT RED have seemingly buried the hatchet with Witcher author Andrzej Sapkowski. For now at least.

E3 On Lockdown

It was fairly inevitable at this point, given that we’re dealing with a global pandemic, that E3 would be cancelled. After all, gaming conventions aren’t known for their stellar standards of hygiene. All jokes aside though, having a large gathering of people in the current climate would be downright stupid. Hats off to the E3 organisers for making the right call. Looks like E3 isn’t completely disappearing though, as there will be some online presence. 

After all, a lot of announcements come out at E3 so it’ll be weird to lose that. Oh and if anyone did get tickets, they’re reaching out with the intent of providing full refunds.

A Quick Step Backwards

I’ve not covered much of the latest console war, as I’m not really planning on investing into it. I’m more about counting up my pennies until I can finally afford a new graphics card. Instead of anything worthwhile to a regular adult man, of course. Still, there is one thing that I do enjoy talking about with consoles: Backwards Compatibility. Or the general lack thereof.

PlayStation has generally been pretty good with that though and it seems they’re planning to continue that tradition, at least for the generation behind it. The PlayStation 5 (and I’m very glad they’re not just tacking a subtitle on) should be able to play the majority of the PlayStation 4 catalogue. There will be some outliers, of course, but that's the nature of the beast.

Not just that, but they’ll run at a ‘boosted frequency’. What that means is that these games will have more stable frame rates and, potentially, higher resolutions. So your sexy PlayStation 4 games may become even sexier. A pretty good commitment to backwards compatibility, so credit to Sony there.

Now just bring the Yakuza Remastered collection to PC and I’ll love you forever. That’s all for March, stay safe and see you in April!

#Doom Eternal #Animal Crossing New Horizons #Ori and the Will of the wisps #pokemon mystery dungeon #Exit the Dungeon #Black Mesa #Half-Life: Alyx #Amnesia Rebirth #KnightOut #Sea of Stars #The Witcher #Cyberpunk 2077 #Gaming #Video Games #Tea And Video Games #News #The Tea Times #March #Article

[ladylillianrose]

Seasons of Love a Max Richman/Zoey Clarke Fanfiction

A/N: Alright guys we are headed into the home stretch! Just 2 more chapters left! Thank you all for the lovely comments and for reading this! I really appreciate you taking the time to read my work and letting me know how much you enjoy it! It means so much to me!

Thanks to aubreyrichman for reading it over and fixing my errors!

As always I’m just borrowing the characters for fun, they belong to the genius that is Austin Winsberg!

Summary: Thanksgiving with the Clarke family

This month's song is “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart (Listen to it here https://youtu.be/Hphwfq1wLJs )

November 26 Thanksgiving

October 31 Halloween

September 23 Max’s Birthday

August 12 Perseids Meteor Shower

July 4 Independence Day

June 21 Father’s Day

May 10 Mother’s Day

April 12 Easter

March 17 St. Patrick’s Day

February 14 Valentine’s Day

December 31-January 1 New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day

Thanksgiving was the only time Maggie allowed Zoey to "help" in the kitchen. There was so much to prepare and do that she needed all hands on deck.

David and Emily were off the hook for helping since they had their hands full with Peter. He had started teething recently and was having trouble being soothed. Which, of course, meant that David and Emily were both exhausted. 

Zoey finished getting the table set, while Maggie basted the turkey and Max worked on mashing the potatoes.

"Anything else I can help with Mom?" She asked, looking to make sure she hadn't missed anything.

Maggie glanced up, "No, I think we're good. Why don't you just sit and keep us company?"

"Sure, I can do that," she reached for a chair at the island when she heard Peter begin to cry.

"Why don't I go offer them a break," Zoey left the kitchen, and headed upstairs. She knocked on the door to David's old room. He opened the door looking exhausted and holding a crying Peter.

"Gimme," Zoey said, holding out her hands.

David breathed a sigh of relief as he handed him over. "Here's his teether. He can have some Motrin in about an hour if he's still a mess "

Peter had stopped crying as soon as he was in his Aunt's arms. He was watching her hair as it bounced up and down when she nodded at David.

"Come on, Peter, let's go see what Grandma and Uncle Max are up to," she said cheerfully.

Even in his exhausted state David looked at her oddly, "Something you haven't told us?"

"Huh?" Zoey wrinkled her nose in confusion.

"Uncle Max? I don't see a ring there?" David nodded at her bare left hand.

Zoey turned bright red, "Just a slip of the tongue."

David chuckled, "Relax, Sis. He's practically family, anyway, I'm just teasing you. Actually, I wanted to run something by you. It’s just Emily and I were talking about it, and we were wondering if you and Max would be Peter's godparents." 

"Godparents? As in?"

"More like you get to be his extra special Aunt and Uncle."

"Are you saying that you don't think I'm special enough?" Zoey teased. 

"Yeah yeah, you know what I mean. It also means that Emily and I would name you guys Peter's legal guardians in case something ever happens to us."

"Oh, David," Zoey reached out to grasp his hand. "Of course I will. Though, you should be the one to tell Max. I think it would mean a lot coming from you."

"Of course. Thanks Zo, it's important to us that he's in good hands." 

Zoey leaned in and hugged him as tight as she could while holding Peter.

"Now go on, some of us need to try and nap," David said, waving her off.

"Look who I escaped with!" Zoey laughed as she entered the kitchen, bouncing Peter up and down excitedly.

Maggie grinned, stopping long enough to drop a kiss on her grandson's head.

"Are your toothies bothering you again?” She glanced at his red and tear stained cheeks. "Poor guy. Here, Grandma knows what to do." Maggie reached into the freezer and pulled out a frozen washcloth.

Zoey took it and held it up to Peter. Peter grabbed it, shoving a corner of it into his mouth and began sucking away. 

"Is that better? Grandma’s pretty smart like that," Zoey said, smiling at him.

She walked over to where Max was getting the stuffing ready for the oven.

She smiled as he dropped a kiss on her forehead. "Hey, buddy," he said to Peter. "Hanging out with Auntie Zo? Can't say I blame you, she's pretty cool."

Zoey laughed, "I thought we had already established how not cool we are."

Max grinned, "Ah but Peter doesn't have a concept of cool yet, so anything you do is cool enough for him."

Zoey shook her head. "Peter, your Uncle Max is being ridiculous."

Max whipped his head up and looked at her. She didn't seem to realize what she had just said.

Zoey started humming as she swayed back and forth with Peter. She glanced at Max who was looking at her with something akin to awe on his face.

“Max, honey? Are you okay?”

Max grinned and nodded at her. “I’m fine, babe. Just thinking about something.”

Zoey nodded and turned back to Peter who was starting to fall asleep in her arms. 

Maggie came over and held out her arms for him, “I’ll take him back to David. Max, can you just keep an eye on things?”

“Of course. I won’t let Zoey anywhere near the stove,” he said, tossing a wink her way. Maggie chuckled and left with Peter.

Zoey made a face at him, swatting his hands away when he attempted to placate her with a hug.

“Nope, you’re being mean!” she chastised, turning her back to him.

Max wrapped his arms around her waist, “I’m just teasing you, sweetheart. I love that you’re a terrible cook. It gives me the chance to cook for you.” 

Zoey leaned back against him. “Well, I do love it when you cook for me,” she admitted, begrudgingly.

Max chuckled, he turned her in his arms and gave her a soft kiss.

Max pulled away to check on the food.

Zoey took a seat, enjoying the view of him bending over to open the oven. She let out a small whistle.

Max glanced back at her and shook his head with a grin. 

“What can I say? I enjoy the view,” Zoey cheekily said.

“Mmm I see, you only want me for my body,” he teased.

Zoey watched, entranced as Max began to shake his hips to a nonexistent beat.

He turned around, and catching the direction of her gaze, he tossed a wink at her as he began to sing

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy

Come on, sugar, tell me so 

Zoey couldn't stop the laugh that escaped her as Max pulled her against him, continuing the song.

If you really need me, just reach out and touch me

Come on, honey, tell me so

Max pulled back and looked at her face flushed with laughter. "Sorry, I can't remember how the rest of the song goes," Max said, shrugging.

Zoey started laughing again as she pulled him down to kiss him.

"What's so funny?" Max asked between kisses.

"Nothing, you're just cute," Zoey grinned.

Maggie came back into the kitchen, smiling as she saw the happy couple laughing. She felt a pang in her chest as she wished that Mitch was there to see how happy Zoey was. 

They pulled apart, blushing as they realized Maggie had been watching them.

Maggie waved them off. "Looks like everything is about ready. So, let's get it on the table and we can all eat."

The family, minus Peter who was still sleeping, gathered around the table.There was a slight air of sadness to the meal. It was the first of the big holidays that they would be facing without Mitch. David carved the turkey and they toasted in memory of Mitch.

While they ate, they shared stories and memories of Thanksgivings past.

 Max chuckled as Maggie described the year that Zoey was insistent that they eat only what Snoopy had served in the Peanuts Thanksgiving special.

"She was 5 and so very stubborn," Maggie laughed. "And she stood there telling Mitch that he was wrong, that we didn't need a Turkey for thanksgiving, but instead needed jelly beans,  toast, popcorn, pretzels and ice cream sundaes. And you know how Mitch was, so of course he goes out and braves the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving to get everything on Zoey's list."

Zoey flushed, taking a drink of her wine to cover her embarrassment. 

"Luckily, Mom managed to convince Zoey that we could have regular Thanksgiving for dinner, and Snoopy's Thanksgiving for breakfast instead." David chimed in. "Plus, it kept her out of everyone's hair when the inevitable sugar crash happened. She was a menace in the kitchen from an early age."

Zoey wadded up her napkin and threw it at David, hitting him in the face.

"Hey, ow! Mom!!"

Maggie, Max and Emily all locked eyes and just shook their heads  

They heard a cry come from the baby monitor on the counter.

David went to stand, but Max gestured for him to sit. "I'll get him, you guys are still eating."

David nodded and sat back down.

Max squeezed Zoey's shoulder as he passed her chair.

When he got upstairs, Peter was looking up at him from the crib, a confused expression on his face. 

"Hey big guy, was that a good nap?" Max asked, smiling as he picked him up.

"You almost missed all of dinner, sleepy head!" He teased, tickling Peter's toes to make him smile.

Peter made a "whoooo," noise kicking his feet.

"Who? Well kiddo, that's the question. I'm the man who loves your Auntie Zoey. And though, I don't know that she realized it, but earlier, she called me your Uncle Max." 

Peter grinned at Max, "ahhhhhh," he responded.

"My thoughts exactly," Max agreed. "So, maybe someday soon I can be your actual uncle." He grinned, mentally planning a trip in the future to get his Grandmother's ring resized. 

"But that will be our little secret for now, okay buddy?"

 "Aaaa," Peter responded.

 "Good, I knew you could keep a secret."

Max and Peter made their way into the kitchen. David, Emily and Maggie were all grinning  at him.

Zoey had tears in her eyes as she smiled at him. He cocked his head at her and she shook her head. He handed Peter to Emily, who thanked him. "Did you tell your Uncle Max ‘thank you’, Peter?"

Max looked at her startled. She pointed to the blinking baby monitor.  Max turned red, groaning in embarrassment. "Ohhh, ummm…"

David interrupted him. "That is if you want to be. We were actually hoping that you would agree to be Peter's godfather."

Max looked over at Zoey who smiled at him and nodded.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded at David and Emily, "I'd be honored."

Zoey beamed at him as he sat down. He looked around at the table at the family that had become more dear to him than he could imagine. 

Zoey squeezed his hand affectionately, and he turned to look at her. She leaned her head onto his shoulder and sighed contentedly.

Oh yes, he decided. He needed to get the ring resized very soon.

#clarkeman #clarkeman fanfiction #zoey x max fanfiction #max x zoey fanfiction #zoey x max #max x zoey #max richman #zoey clarke #zoey's extraordinary playlist #zep #zoeysplaylist #Zoeys playlist fanfiction #zoeys extraordinary playlist #Zoeysplaylist fanfiction #Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist Fanfiction #fanfiction #Seasons of Love #Team Max #otp: I'm yours #team I'm yours

[arsenicpanda]

M, AD, AF, AK!

Nice choices, I’m going to convert them into number, and then let’s go!

13/M. Has a ship ever broken your heart?

Constantly.  There’s a roughly 50% chance that, in a show where at least one person dies, one or both members of my ship will die.  It just...it just KEEPS HAPPENING, my god.  But a special shout out to Chiaki/Makoto from The Girl Who Leapt Through Time for ripping my heart out and stomping on it even though they both live.  Like my HEART, how DARE they.

30/AD. Name a couple of fandoms in which you have no ships.

I generally only actively seek out fandom stuff when I have a ship because searching for gen stuff is pretty futile, but it happens occasionally.  Newsies is the only one I can think of off the top of my head; I just want to read about Spot Conlon without shipping him with anyone (canon character or OC, it doesn’t matter), but that, like, never happens.  It did happen once though, in the excellent fic In New York about how he joined Tammany Hall and whatnot.

32/AF. Share five must-read fics.

Ok, are we talking across all fandoms or across Riverdale fandom?  Fuck it, I’ll do both, with the Riverdale choice that would normally be in the multi-fandom part moved to the Riverdale section.

Multi-Fandom:

1. Ambivalence by DreamScene (Code Geass) - An excellent look at a Shirley Lives AU.  It’s dark, it’s interesting, it’s a good character piece, the Lelouch/Shirley interactions are perfect in every way, and its got some nice smut at the end.  It’s a little screwy with the timeline, but it’s so good in every other respect that I do not care.

2. Ascendant by Samurai 101 (Naruto) - A very, very interesting Itachi time travel fic with a great and very unique take on time travel in general.  It really dives into clan politics and the difference in Itachi as a child and Itachi as an adult.  And the looming threat of Madara is so, so great.  Every side character is so fleshed out and real, and I love it.  Let it be known that I normally don’t like Itachi, but I really like him in this.  He’s not some perfect, all-wise ninja god; he’s a fuck up of a teenager and a kid trying his best, and he’s actually relatable.

3. Wanted It To Be a Game by SkylaDoragano (Persona 4) - An excellent role reversal fic with Adachi and Yu (well, more P4 Protagonist than Yu as we know him).  It really follows the domino effect of switching their roles out in terms of who lives and who dies and who joins the party in what roles.  It’s so interesting to see the domino effects of it all.  It really gets into the psychology of different characters, and everyone’s dynamics are fantastic, with a special shout out to Adachi and Saki’s friendship.  Seriously, if you like Adachi, this is a must-read.

4. 365 Days of Winter by zauberer_sirin (Durarara!!) - This is the perfect Izaya/Namie fic.  Like, their dynamic is so, so on point, and watching them fall in love when they really would rather not is such a delight.  I love the monthly format, and I love Izaya’s subtle jealousy, and I love how they never even explicitly confess their feelings.  It’s all so them, and I love it.

5. Executive Reform by karanguni (Final Fantasy VII) - It’s a Final Fantasy VII/Pacific Rim mash up that works surprisingly well.  It’s such a great gen fic, and the focus on the Shinra executives delights me.  Like, Scarlet and Hojo interacting while neither are being crazy?  Genius!  And it does such a great job of depicting the complicated relationship between Hojo and Sephiroth even though Sephiroth isn’t even an active character.  Everyone is so human in this, and I absolutely love it.  Tragically, it’s abandoned.

BONUS: Seven Suitors for Shirayuki by Sabrael (Snow White with the Red Hair) - Look, this doesn’t quite make the all-time top five, but I want to plug it here anyway because oh man, guys, this is top-notch slow burn/pining.  Like, by the end you are DYING, the burn is so good.  It fleshes out minor canon characters very well, and there are some great OCS, but they’re not OCs for the sake of OCs but ones that are truly necessary.  And the characterization is on point, and the obiyuki is SO GOOD.  Seriously, if you followed my advice about the show and fell into obiyuki hell with me, go read this.

Riverdale (Do you know how hard this was?  Narrowing this down?  There are so, so many things I want to add but can’t grrr)

1. cut while shaving by areyouabadwolf2 - I’ve made no secret of the fact that this is my all-time favorite Riverdale fic.  And in fact, it would normally knock Executive Reform out of its #5 spot.  It’s such a great post-season 2 darkfic, just an excellent look at where everyone could go from there.  It’s heavy on the Serpents, just the way I like it, and all the relationships are so cool.  Like, Jughead & Cheryl friendship?  Sign me the fuck up!  It’s also SO good at suspense and keeping secrets from its readers, and no one ever talks in a way that makes you go “ah yes, thank you for telling me that even though everyone in the room already knows about it.”  And like, the characterization in this is flawless, absolutely flawless, and the Betty/Jughead dynamic is amazing with them as a criminal duo.  I just. I love it.  Tragically, it seems to be abandoned.

2. The town called Riverdale by satelliteinasupernova - Yeah, you wrote this, so technically it’s redundant for you, but it belongs here, so tough.  This is the Riverdale/Princess Tutu mashup that I didn’t know I wanted, and it has an extra dose of eldritch horror.  The meta-y goodness is so delicious, and the suspense is fantastic, I was always on the edge of my seat.  It’s so great watching Veronica try to figure out this mystery while people around her are either cagey or don’t realize there’s a mystery to solve.  There’s such great uncertainty running throughout it,and I highly recommend it.

3. Black Cherry Chutney by lilibug - I love dark!bughead, I love it so goddamn much, and this is a great depiction of it.  And like, not just dark!Betty or dark!Jughead but both of them, and it’s such a delight.  Like, I absolutely love this Jughead from the word go, and Betty is so great because she is, like in canon, so much more than what she first seems.  The bughead dynamic is great, and the smut is fantastic.

4. Fullmetal Riverdale by lnles - This is such a good mashup of Riverdale and Fullmetal Alchemist that I cannot articulate it.  Like, it’s not just 1-1 insert Character A into Role A; it really works with the setting and characters of Riverdale to create something new but familiar.  It’s working with great pieces, and it does them both justice, which is saying a lot because Fullmetal Alchemist is very, very good.  I love the characterization and the hints of what happened in the past and the prose and just everything.  It’s not done, but it’s got a regular update schedule, so I’m hoping it gets finished. Go give this some love!

5. Shake, Rattle, and Roll series by TakeAWalkOnTheWildside - Ok, so I’m cheating here by putting in a series, but let me cheat, ok?  I’m still amazed that there are so few 1950s AUs for bughead, but I’m really glad we got this series.  It’s sexy, it’s fun, it’s period-appropriate, and it’s dramatic too.  Like it’s a whole saga of Betty and Jughead getting together and then being together, and it’s so fun.  Also, he eats her out on her dining room table in part one, so that’s great.

37/AK. Do you have a favorite trope and/or AU for your OTP?

For my OTP of OTPs, shirlulu, does Everyone Lives count?  Because that series does not end well for them.  But, ok, other than that, I want to see some mutual pining for them because the idea of Lelouch pining is so goddamn amusing, especially when mixed with perpetually pining Shirley being completely goddamn oblivious.  As for bughead, one thing I don’t see enough of (and crave more of) is their friends and family trying to play matchmaker for them but failing spectacularly.  Also, more 1950s AUs please.

#asks #satelliteinasupernova #this is loooong but whatever #some deep cuts for non-Riverdale fic I know #fanfiction #I'm not tagging this with fandoms because I have nothing to say about them #but I will say #Riverdale fanfiction #because that is relevant #it was fun to ramble about fic but oh man was it HARD to make some cuts #so many good fics left out! #I feel bad but there's nothing I can do about it #thanks for playing!

[earwaxinggibbous]

10 Songs that make Love/Sex Sound Like No Fun

Happy Vagina Day! I mean Happy Valentines Day!

[wipes brow]

What do you mean it’s the 15th???

Valentines Day has always been my least favorite holiday, even now when I can actually appreciate it as a taken man. I was never a very romantic person, as hard as I try, and a lot of the gushy crap forced down our throats around February is akin to being buttfucked with a tree branch. It’s like walking into a store and all of the workers are talking in uwu-speak.

Hewwo wewcome to Gwistedes dat wiww be 20 dowwaws! Cash oah cwedit?

But if February is good for one thing aside from overcoming your Winter Break Hangover, as a song critic, it’s a good time to talk about love songs. (And fuck songs, ‘cause there’s a lot of those.) But talking about songs that actually bring out powerful romantic feelings is absolutely no fun, because like I said, I’m not a romantic man. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to find love and sex songs that make the acts seem... really, really lame? So that’s what we’re doing.

Keep in mind that I don’t know every song on the planet, in fact, my scope is actually a very small, strange corner of the musical world. So if you have your own list, feel free to put it together and show me if you want! Go crazy.

Honorable mentions go to any songs that aren’t actually intended to be romantic or sexy. Stuff like The Nine Inch Nails’ Closer. Or Eminem’s Kim. If that’s your idea of love, well... you do you I guess. There’ll be more honorables later.

Nuuuumber 10!

Closer - The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

I personally believe both of the artists involved in this are more sexually weak than Kevin from F is for Family. (And if you’ve watched the whole series you know exactly what I’m talking about. Also hit me the fuck up, I need someone to fanboy over that shit with.)

I like Halsey. I don’t think she’s amazing or anything. Oftentimes I feel like her greatest flaw as an artist is that she wants to do three things at once: Appeal to internet people who like stuff like Marina and Lana del Rey (eg. Colors), appeal to a mainstream that just likes regular easy-listening pop music (eg. New Americana), and also just do her own thing and talk about her own experiences (eg. Control and Gasoline). These things don’t really work that well together at times. New Americana is one of those times, I hate that song. Closer is another one of those times.

The Chainsmokers kind of improved by 2017, but for awhile they were putting out soulless crap like Don’t Let Me Down with all the excitement of a party that only consists of art students. Closer is also lame. But more than that it shows me two things: The first being that Andrew Taggart is an asshole, and the second being that the Chainsmokers don’t know how to write women and even Halsey’s halfway-decent voice and attempts at emotion can’t really fix it.

“Hey, I drink a lot. But everything was fine before we started dating, so it must be YOUR fault!”

Part of me almost feels like Taggart just really wants to fuck Halsey and so he wrote this song as an excuse, like it’s essentially the expensive version of a self-insert fanfic. 

If the Chainsmokers are good at one thing, it’s lyrical detail. It worked in their favor in Paris, which is a song that I actually really love. All of the tiny details worked into it paint an insanely vivid picture of these two rich kids basically having some kind of one-night stand.

In Closer it does the complete opposite. I have a hard time believing that there’s any thought less sexy than fucking in the backseat of a range rover with a mattress in the trunk that belonged to your roommate, and they probably masturbated on it and how do you even have this car if you can’t afford it? Or is Taggart just being fucking presumptuous? Dammit, man.

Halsey plays this really pathetic character who left Taggart’s character based on looks alone, and is now regretting it because I guess the endless sexual draw of the weird long-headed guy from the Chainsmokers would make anyone change their mind. It paints Halsey’s character as pathetic, and that’s a character I have absolutely never wanted to see her play. Because her personality as a singer is kind of thin. When she’s playing a character who is aggressive and violently emotional, it works, but when in a role like this it feels like misuse of her actual talent. Kind of equivalent to when they got Eminem on that strip club song Shake That.

(He don’t get it. You don’t get it. And most of all, I don’t get it.)

Frankly, Halsey’s strengths (”specific yet vague” emotional detail) don’t play off well with the Chainsmokers’ strengths. (detailed scenery to piece together vague stories) These two should never have gotten together. Frankly, they shouldn’t have even tried,

Numéro Neuf

You Was Right - Lil Uzi Vert

His face is so weird. It’s just so weird.

I have a kind of odd love of Lil Uzi Vert, despite the fact I’ve only heard one song that I really liked. (XO Tour Lif3, for the record.) I feel like he has a creative energy that most artists in pop are missing, but he’s really, REALLY not using it to his advantage. A lot of his songs are just kind of... nothing. 

You Was Right is one of those hits that was so early in 2017, my brain keeps telling me it was a 2016 hit. It was also Uzi’s first platinum single. It’s an okay song musically. Not that interesting. Beat kind of sounds like it was bumped from Wicked, which is not helped by the fact that Metro Boomin’ was involved in both songs. But lyrically, this song is... weird and confusing.

The basic plot makes sense: Lil Uzi’s character in this song feels bad after cheating on his girlfriend, and he wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from doing so. But man. This song makes the idea of a relationship with Lil Uzi sound like way more trouble than it’s worth.

I bet you’re asking me: “Panda, is this line accompanied by the most obnoxious eye-roll possible in the music video?”

Yes. Yes it is.

Yep, that’s right. Lil Uzi is feeling guilty, and wishes he’d never taken this girl home, and--

Uzi stop.

You should’ve just not. Done anything. Because you have a girlfriend. You shouldn’t have boned, you should’ve gone home and boned your girlfriend, dammit Lil Uzi. Let me like you, you bastard.

The reason this isn’t any higher is because I at least feel like Uzi has some kind of love for his girlfriend. As the second line indicates that the moment he saw his girlfriend, he immediately passed by some other woman to hit her up. But still...

I THINK YOU KIND OF DID WRECK HER. YOU FUCKED A GROUPIE, MAN.

This whole verse is just funny I have no explanation. Like. You’re in the same room, but because the door is locked, even though... you’re in the same room? You can’t talk? But she’s actually in the bathroom. And Uzi needs to take a piss, so he’s basically just forcing some romantic lovey-dovey crap, like babe I wanna caress you, I’m seriously gonna wreck the carpet right now, can we just move on from this.

But here’s the best/worst line, in my humble onion:

1. What does this have to do with anything,

2. He’s gonna fuck your sister and then kill her if you talk shit, I guess. So to my sister, I am very sorry.

I think Uzi improved on conveying emotion in his next album, or at least with the big single XO Tour Lif3, which I’ll defend until I’m dead. But as for You Was Right, well... he was wrong.

Número Ochoooooo!

Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran

Did you wanna fuck Ed Sheeran?

NO?

TOO BAD.

Ed Sheeran is a musician I enjoy purely for the purpose of mocking him. While he does, now and then, drop a good single like Don’t, Sing or Castle on the Hill, oftentimes he exudes only one thing:

PERPETUAL VIRGINITY!

Maybe it’s because of his voice. Or maybe it’s because he looks like a high schooler who hit puberty too late. Maybe it’s because I have THIS picture of him saved to my computer:

Look at him. Look at his fucking face.

He just exudes involuntary celibacy. Not like the reddit “hurgh durgh FEMOIDS” kind, just like. The “sees a naked boob and passes out bleeding like an anime character” kind.

Look at his fucking face. He looks like he’s not sure how to hold a woman’s hand. He looks like he doesn’t even know what it is. I don’t know how I’m expected to recognize Ed Sheeran as a sexually active man. The weird dinky three-tone beat ripped straight from Sia’s Cheap Thrills and pretty much every Rihanna song ever, namely Work, doesn’t help in the slightest. Because here’s the thing: Work and Cheap Thrills are not sex songs. If anything, they’re songs about the lower class and their struggles. No fucking required, unless you count Drake’s verse on Work.

Shape Of You is a sex song. And it’s about as sexy as wedging your dick in a paper bag.

It’s like it was supposed to be a romantic sex song, but the vibe I’m getting is a teenage boy up in your DMs asking (admittedly politely) for titty pics. 

He’s in love with the shape of you. Just your outline. Your contour. Like that one episode of Ed Edd ‘n Eddy where Jimmy somehow gets his linework stolen and has to be kept in a blender? He wouldn’t fuck a lady like that. You gotta have a... shape. Square. Circle. 

RECTANGLE GIRLS OF THE WORLD

This isn’t helping the whole “virginal loser” thing for the record.

The verses try to be more romantic, and totally fail at it because let’s be honest, if Ed Sheeran took me to an all-you-can-eat buffet on our first date, I’d probably kill him. McDonald’s is even preferable. I guess it’s also technically more expensive if you want seconds, but like... everyone there is probably sweaty... and the food usually looks really gross. Sometimes you have mashed potatoes in the steak bucket and it just completely ruins your day.

Ed’s wispy delivery really doesn’t help, as he has all the sexual energy of a castrated Charlie Puth. He’s not crazy. He does not fit the radio definition of “crazy”. He’s the musician that I just see the least as one who fucks. Puth gets more pussy. The ICP get more pussy. Meghan Trainor probably fucks more than he does, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was some kind of otherworldly plant being that reproduces via budding. 

Also I’d feel bad if I didn’t mention the video, which is literally, no joke, the video for Maroon 5′s One More Night. You know, where the lead singer becomes a badass boxer who punches shit. Now I’ll probably drop my feelings towards Maroon 5 with more detail in the future, but in short, I actually enjoy most of their singles. One More Night is a fun song in my opinion, not high art or anything, but I like it. Adam’s falsetto doesn’t bug me as much as other people. I’d prefer him singing in a high pitch than, say, Swae Lee.

(Dammit Swae, let me love you, you bastard.)

But see, I actually also prefer the VIDEO for One More Night. For two big reasons.

1. Adam Levine is at least a little more threatening than Ed Sheeran. Remember how fucking goofy Animals was BECAUSE Adam was singing it? Imagine if Ed was on that track. It’d be ridiculous.

and

2. One More Night was a song about how his relationship with his girlfriend basically feels like a warzone. The violence in the music video was, at some level, metaphorical. In Shape Of You it doesn’t have any emotional or symbolic relevance, so I just have to take at face-value that Ed Sheeran is a boxer, and...

That’s just not happening.

Numerum VII!

Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.

This would easily be higher up if not for the fact that, on the most technical level, it’s a joke song.

Bet you didn’t know that.

Yeah, the joke here is that these three are singing this ridiculous sex jam despite in real life all being happily married men (or at least were at the time this song came out, Robin’s wife promptly dropped him as soon as this album fell into our collective hands) who are way past their prime when it comes to flirting with chicks at the club. Also, Pharrell looks like an alien.

I’m not gonna extend this too much, as everyone’s already riffed on Blurred Lines more than we’ve probably riffed on other socially questionable songs like U.O.E.N.O. or Treat You Better. But this song sounds like it... COULD BE about sexual assault?

I’ll be fair and say that I don’t think this is straight-up a rape song. Because the thing is that it’s not actually about sex, it’s about picking up girls. But Robin’s approach is so slimy and gross that I’d honestly prefer, very specifically, to re-enact that one scene from The Simpsons’ Cape Feare where they drive through a bunch of cacti with Sideshow Bob hanging on the bottom of the car, and I’m Sideshow Bob, but facing the ground with my dick out, so it slides through the cactus like a sad, sad little pool noodle full of thumbtacks.

On one hand, there’s implications of attempting to get consent, and on the other hand, there’s also discussion of whether or not he’s actually GETTING consent or not. Maybe it’d work if Robin Thicke had more swagger to his personality, and if they removed all the stuff about “blurred lines”, it’d be less suspicious. But even then it’d still sound like a /r/niceguy trying to convince a girl that she WANTS to fuck him.

Once again I’d like to mention the video real quick, specifically the alternate version.

The topless version somehow makes it even LESS sexy. When the women were clothed, it definitely gave more of a vibe of “cheeky girl at a bar playing hard to get”, but once you have a bunch of topless chicks running around looking unhappy and bored, it reads more as... “harem sex dungeon”.

Not much else to say, really. Other than that Miley Cyrus has horrible taste in men.

Even you can do better, Miley.

Nummer Sechs!

The Hills - The Weeknd

The Hills is about as sexy as getting the bottom half of my body lost in the void while prime minister Shinzo Abe projectile vomits onto my face.

I actually like this song. But it doesn’t sound like sex. At all.

It does sound like a good horror movie soundtrack, which I guess...

I guess at least this line would make sense if it was?

Everything about this song kind of punches you. The beat punches you and the tune punches you and it’s really really loud. Literally everything about this song fits together EXCEPT THE PREMISE. This is, from what I can gather, a song about some dark spooky sex machine who’s helping a girl cheat on her boyfriend, but doesn’t really care because his drug problem or something is more important to him. And nothing fits with it.

Say what you want about Earned It, it sounds like a sex song. Maybe I’ll discuss that song in the future, but while Earned It creates the vibe of some sort of expensive Blank Space-esque rich guy mansion with a sexual twist, The Hills sounds more like... an explosion in a really dark place. Even the video works for the sound more than it works for the premise. Frankly, if this had been a song about a break-up or being sent to prison or something, I’d totally buy it. The Weeknd’s warbling baby voice can convey suffering more than it can convey sex.

The best way I can explain this is...

Imagine if Rolex was backed by the ending track from A Serbian Film. That’s the tonal problem we’re talking here.

Though lyrically, The Hills isn’t high art either.

Bragging about erectile dysfunction: Counting this and Young Thug’s Lifestyle, I guess we can call this a theme now. I hate it. Also, Weeknd rhymes “simple” with “simple”. And the fact that this is a fuckjam makes the title drop of The Hills Have Eyes even more questionable. I’d honestly rather hear a sex song based on Cannibal Holocaust.

Also, fun fact, this song has a remix featuring Eminem. Fucking EMINEM. That is the least sexy rapper you could have picked. You could have chosen anyone for your sex song, and you picked the man responsible for such classic sensual love songs as Stan and Just Lose It.

Dear Weeknd, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’...

Still a song I like. Just... pretend it’s not about boning.

Numero Cinque!

Bad Things - Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello

I debated deep in my heart as to whether or not I could, in good taste, put this song on the list. Because I really shouldn’t expect a whole lot from ex-Fifth Harmony member as well as the only Fifth Harmony member anyone knows the name of, Camila Cabello, as well as this weirdo Machine Gun Kelly, who looks like a very failed attempt to clone Macklemore.

But then I read this.

Wait, this is a love song?

I thought it was just... about like, fucking.

ALSO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAMPLE OUT OF MY HEAD IN A LOVE SONG.

And most importantly, and much less aggressively, why does this song sound like it’s about, like... abuse.

Like, yeah. You’re- you’re giving each other scars. And guess what! This is actually edited.

Somehow the edit makes it both better and worse. Because on one hand, like, bruises usually sounds like more of an abuse thing. When I think of an abuse victim I see bruises. But, also, scars are... technically a bigger deal? Bruises go away. If you’re scarring up your SO, then you have some serious issues. And MGK’s uninterested delivery makes it way worse, as well as the Fastball sample that is from a song about hurting your lover. Which kind of sounds, uh, a lot like... what’s going on here.

And, uh, I guess you could argue they’re in a really intense BDSM relationship? I guess Camila seems pretty into it, and not really in like, a Stockholm Syndrome way. But the other thing that takes up a good chunk of this song is the comparison between drug dependence and romance.

Which really doesn’t help?

Like drugs aren’t a good thing. Honestly I feel like Kesha using this metaphor was a sign of things to come considering what happened to her in 2017. Because, here’s a crazy thought, drugs may be addictive... but they also hurt you.

Like an abusive partnerokay we’re moving on sorry.

Numero Neljä!

Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes

Oh hey, I like, just mentioned this one.

Honestly, Kodak Black’s Side N**** would’ve taken this spot, except that I don’t wanna think about Kodak Black. Ever. So you get the whiter version of it.

Treat You Better is another one of those songs that makes the idea of dating the singer sound insanely unappealing. But unlike You Was Right above, Treat You Better has next to no self-awareness.

I’ll admit that I don’t really hate Shawn Mendes. I actually like Stitches, the tune is nice enough and regardless of how you feel about this apparently 6′2 tower of twink flesh, you can’t really argue that he hasn’t got a decent set of pipes on him. 

But damn if his songwriters aren’t trying to sour my opinion of him at every turn.

If this were an actual review, I’d complain about how the backing guitar sounds exactly LIKE Stitches, but the problems arise in the lyrics, and the way the video plays off of the lyrics.

oh wait excuse me

Alright sorry.

But in case you can’t tell, Treat You Better is basically a niceguy anthem. I mean, when I read the title I thought it was like the earlier-mentioned Fastball’s Out Of My Head or Hoobastoobaskeeboodidillybaboobastank’s The Reason where the male singer does some nonspecific bad thing to their SO and vows to be better in the future. You know, like--

(YAH... HUH... I PROMISE TO, UH... BE BETTER... YIEAH...)

But no, actually. Treat You Better is more equivalent to Daya’s Hide Away, which you could honestly consider as on this list in the exact same spot because they’re basically the same song.

I suspect the reason nobody wants to date Daya is because she dresses like Heather Chandler in the 2018 Heathers remake.

I also suspect her and Shawn would absolutely love one another’s company. 

To be absolutely fair, neither of these songs take the stance that real life nicefolk take, because it’d make them look absolutely insufferable. The big reason I chose Treat You Better over Hide Away for this list is that the video tries to imply that Shawn’s object of attraction is being abused by her current boyfriend. Which I guess makes sense, but...

I love how the combination of the song and the video essentially imply that Shawn’s got this ladyfriend who’s being beaten to shit by her boyfriend and his only response is man, this is why you should’ve dated me instead! I would be WAY better to you than that guy!

Instead of, you know.

This guy is seriously terrible to you and I’m calling the police.

Or better yet!

Kill him.

Also this girl’s just not... a very good actress. I’m not asking for a Hollywood performance, just, you know. Some kind of expression other than “mild disinterest” when you’re about to get your shit kicked in would be nice.

Really the big issue is that, regardless of whether or not we’re supposed to see the girl as an abuse victim, Shawn will forever see himself as the victim. Which means it’s either

A. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is a taken woman and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

or B. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is in an abusive relationship... and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

So either way, Shawn Mendes’ greatest worry isn’t your safety, or if you’re happy in your current relationship, his one worry is getting his spindly little baby-soft white boy hands into your undies. And frankly, I just don’t need that in my life!

the third one

Honey I’m Good - Andy Grammar

How much do you wanna bet all these couples broke up/got divorced after featuring in this thing? 

I labored over how this one matched up with #2, but decided it was at least making some sad, sad attempt to promote faithfulness in couples. See the plot of this song written by Andy Grammar, who I’m assuming is a one-hit wonder because I’d certainly never heard of him until this song came out, is stated very clearly:

I think the best part about this is the way it’s worded. “I gotta be like oh baby, nah baby” makes him sound so annoyed. Like, ���Ugh, I wanna bone you, but I wanna be nice to my wife or whatever, so I GUESS I’ll turn you down... Sigh...”

So this is essentially a self-fellating anthem congratulating Andy’s character for not cheating on his wife. Because, as he says,

“Yeah, babe, better men than me have cheated on their wives, so it’d be totally fine if I DID, but I’m such a Nice Dude that I won’t do it. For my wife. Smooch.”

One could argue that he’s supposed to be drunk, but let’s be real here: Being drunk doesn’t make you lie. If anything, it makes you more honest. Booze is a truth serum. Now if he had just gotten out of dental care after getting his wisdom teeth pulled and his hot lady dentist was trying to flirt with him, maybe I could imagine it making sense.

And once again, the Devil’s Advocate could say, “well if he’s being honest, then this shouldn’t be a problem, he’s faithful to his wife”, but the thing is that he’s not even totally drunk yet.

Translation: If I have another drink, I’ll be so boozed up that my honest feelings will make me want to fuck that ass.

He’s tipsy at best, which is why he’d admit to considering this at all, but if he were more drunk he’d totally fuck this assumedly more attractive woman. So for all we know he’ll go back to the club tomorrow, have one too many, and considering how well this stupid song did, he’d throw enough money at the next Cambodian prostitute he runs into to buy her a mansion.

The congratulatory tone to the music doesn’t really help, it really does feel like Grammar is sucking himself off for having the “willpower” to not be a completely terrible person. The only thing that makes it even more hilariously sad is the video of elderly couples lip-syncing to it, all the while holding up signs or wearing shirts that say how many years they’ve been together. It’s as if they’re bragging about how their marriage is bound to last way longer than the marriage in the song.

“Mildred, do you promise not to bone a random guy at the bar when I’m home?” “Only if you promise not to do that either, you rascal you.”

For all I know, Andy Grammar’s a great guy! But with only this song to go by, I’m obligated to assume that he’s a complete dildo who wears a mask of faux-Southern charm when he’s sober and avoids getting drunk so that mask doesn’t shloff off of his face like he’s a juggalo at the official sprinkler festival.

The weirdest part of this to me is that this song is so catchy we actually fell for it, if only for awhile. And its happy tone kind of makes you forget the lyrics. I almost feel like that was intentional. Like, his producers looked at the lyrics and just said, “Boys, let’s fix this shit.” It’s not even good production, it’s just really catchy! Fuck!

All in all, Honey I’m Good is about as romantic as listening to my parents argue at 12 in the morning. Not only is there no reason Andy Grammar deserves any congrats on his mediocre “feat”, but he really doesn’t seem to love his wife that much, if a shot of tequila and a scantily-clad cokewhore is enough to wreck his faith.

Numbah TWOOOOO!

What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

I’d honestly argue that Avril Lavigne’s character as a singer is equally sociopathic to that of Taylor Swift and Cher Lloyd. I feel like after Hello Kitty slaughtered her reputation and career forever, we kind of forgot how genuinely terrifying she was. She’s like every horrible thing about being a teenager squeezed into one person who’s way too old to be pretending to be a teenager. I mean, look at Girlfriend. The only thing more terrifying than Girlfriend is, well, What The Hell. 

Because, you know. That’s not a problem or anything.

Rather than the obsessive character from Girlfriend, Avril in this song is the complete opposite. She doesn’t make connections with anybody, and when she’s sick of a relationship, she’ll move onto her boyfriend’s friends, strangers, fans, non-fans, parents, teachers, Todd Howard, etcetera. So she’ll go around macking on anything she wants and then have blase, slightly annoyed reaction when her boyfriend is completely horrified by it.

(This? This is my greatest fear.)

Her disinterest really comes out in the lyrics, and her sales pitch is, basically, this is just who I am and you should fuck me even if you don’t like it. Especially since, while I hate to be the guy who says it, if this was a song by a guy, everyone would fucking hate it. I actually don’t mind the beat or the tune, honestly, I listen to this song sometimes when I’m out of music that rises above the bar of “guilty pleasure”. That almost makes this worse. Everything is delivered with the disinterest of a Future verse, as if this is just a normal thing, and looking back imagining middle school me singing along to this is pretty fucked. 

Not that I really blame this for any kind of influence on children. Honestly I don’t think anyone was really listening to the lyrics, they were just having fun. It’s fun! That’s pretty messed up.

By the way, I think this bit on the bridge says a lot about Avril as a writer (and maybe even as a person):

I love the assumption that this guy is still devoted to her after she has cheated on him and shown no remorse whatsoever. Why would he really want her back? Personally I’d say something along the lines of “fuck you, bitch, go get syphilis somewhere where it can’t be transferred to me.” Bye bye!

Really, though, the more Avril Lavigne tried to lean into her teen rebellion phase, the more I realized how old she was. And as she got older, and tried to be more rebellious, it became less endearing and more sociopathic. Maybe she’s a really nice person, but at the same time, to write a song like this, I can’t really tell. Especially when THIS is how she describes it:

Avril, you read the lyrics, right? Of course you did, you sang it. Jesus, lady.

Well, before we move onto the big weiner, let’s talk honorable mentions!

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

Surprised that Taylor didn’t make it on here? It came down to the wire, but in the end, the concept of screwing in a pile of jizzy sheets in a range rover bumped this one off the list. Still, though, Taylor’s attempts to be “relatable” end up making her sound desperate. And also Taylor’s pre-existing ideas of why she’s “better” for him than this other girl kinda remind me of...

Hide Away - Daya

I almost wish I had found space for this song since I hate it so much. But really my biggest problem with it is that Daya sings like a rubber goose and that, of course, the nicegirl/niceguy mentality needs to die and people like Daya are perpetuating it.

Don’t Wanna Know - Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar

Yikes, dude. Just... yikes.

Marvin Gaye - Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor

Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor are two beacons of sexlessness and this song does Marvin Gaye a disservice. The only reason I left it off is because it’s honestly been discussed to death, I’m almost like, tired of hearing about it. 

Side N**** - Kodak Black

This isn’t even a niceguy song, it’s literally “you should date me because I’ll shoot you and your man if you don’t”. I’d have loved to make space for it, but I don’t even want to listen to this song in full, or talk about this guy. At this point Kodak Black is keeping the fire lit with controversy. I’d like to just dump water on it.

NUMBER ONE!

Sigh. This one’s obvious enough.

Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor ft. Satan, probably

Sometimes you just gotta throw your hands up and say STOP, MEGHAN! STOP!

STOP!

Meghan Trainor is an artist who I actually do understand the appeal of: She appeals to white feminist teenage girls and soccer moms that still read Twilight even though their daughters are long since over it. But, sadly, that’s two demographics of people I hate, and  thus, I find myself hating everything Meghan Trainor puts out. The only remotely passable single I remember by her was Lips Are Moving. Dear Future Husband isn’t even my least favorite fucking Meghan Trainor song. (It’d probably be No, if I had to pick.) But god, if this song isn’t just... oof.

Let’s get the shoehorned feminist message out of the way:

We know you have a job, nobody’s expecting you to cook, why would you bake pies all day, who needs that many pies, no you can’t write a hook, and these views are insanely outdated for anyone who doesn’t have a Return of Kings account. So great, you have a job and can’t cook. Cool. That’s a thing with a lot of people.

Honestly the insistence that she “deserves it” even though she makes no attempt to prove herself a good wife aside from saying she’ll buy you groceries and fuck you sometimes. This song kind of lays on the assumption that you’ll do literally anything because, duh, she’s famous musician Meghan Trainor, and if you don’t do these things, YOU JUST HATE FAT GIRLS.

(Mary Lambert never pulls this shit. And she weighs more than the gold toilet you use, while you’re using it, MEGHAN.)

Honestly though, listening to Meghan Trainor songs just kind of turn me into that obnoxious guy on 4chan who unironically uses the term “feminazi” in 2018. Because really, she fits every feminist stereotype in existence, and she never says anything of any worth.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way--

Acting crazy... how?

Do we mean like, Ren & Stimpy crazy, or Avril Lavigne crazy?

Because I’m terrified it’s the latter.

Meghan kind of talks about her theoretical future husband like he’s a dog, or some other kind of animal that does badass tricks. Essentially obligating him to constantly do what she wants, when she wants it, and never disagree with her even if she’s in the wrong, because then she MIGHT fuck him. Or, uh, excuse me,

Some KISSES! :D

You like KISSES, don’t you? Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? IT’S YOU! YOU’RE A GOOD BOY!

...

[clears throat]

It doesn’t help that this song is, essentially, just a list of requests and things this guy has to do. So while Meghan can do whatever she wants, her husband is still required to do the traditionalist romance crap like buy her things, lose every argument, hold doors, accept potential insanity, and be “classy”.

Honestly, don’t let Daya and Meghan Trainor do a single together. I think the pain of hearing it will overtake my body. Like that forcible body-wracking feeling you get when you dry heave.

The best part being that I haven’t even touched on the worst line.

So like, ignoring all of the other shit, if a girlfriend or potential wife said this to me, I’d jump ship. Like, controlling every other aspect of your life wasn’t enough, she also gets to decide what people you see! So if she doesn’t really like your good friend John, then he’s banned from this house forever. And forget about seeing your grandpa. She doesn’t care if he has cancer! You fucking MISOGYNIST PIG! LOVE YOUR WIFE!

Urgh. Of course the song that combines the insanity of What The Hell with the me-me-me attitude of Treat You Better and the bored lack of emotional connection in You Was Right would top this list. I’m glad Meghan Trainor killed her own career in 2016, because I don’t think I’d be able to handle another year of these shitty faux-feminist throwback jams. Thanks, Me Too!

If I was you, I’d wanna anyone besides me, too!

Also, if anyone’s curious about ratings I’d give these, here you go.

10 - 2/5 stars. Not good enough to be mediocre.

9 - 1.5/5 stars, mostly because Lil Uzi can do better, which is half a saving grace and half a detriment.

8 - 1/5 stars. Ech.

7 - 2/5 stars. I’ll admit the Blurred Lines controversy was blown out of proportion, but it’s still not that great of a song.

6 - 3.5/5 stars. I can get down to this, it’s just... not sexy.

5 - 0/5 stars. RIP Fastball.

4 - .5/5 stars. Only because Shawn’s slurring is funny.

3 - 2/5 stars. At least it’s fun, I guess.

2 - 2.5/5 stars. Again, at least it’s enjoyable if you ignore the words.

1 - 0/5 stars. No more Meghan, please.

#top 10 #valentines day #panda posts #music criticism #top 10 list #negative(?) review

[terdazaly]

Ben Robson Bares All About Being the Wildest Member of 'Animal Kingdom'

Things are getting primal on Animal Kingdom. Based on the Australian film of the same name and now in its just-started second season, TNT's gritty-sexy-cool crime drama about the Codys—a mash-up family of SoCal thieves led by Smurf (Ellen Barkin)—is aiming to change the dynamic within the group by having Smurf's boys break free and begin working jobs without her often-controlling oversight. How they do remains to be seen, but so far drug-addled Craig (Ben Robson) and closeted, kid brother Deran (Jake Weary) have figured out that they need to recruit their motherless nephew J (Finn Cody) and keep an eye on the women we all know is willing to kill to keep her sons in line. Here, scruffy scene-stealer Robson talks about Craig's penchant for self-destruction, his possible rise to power and, yes, all of those butt scenes.

OK, so what is going on with Craig this season? We talked last season about how he's this adrenaline junkie, but he's also got a serious drug problem, correct? Yeah. I wouldn't say it was normal. [Laughs] As an actor, it allows you to bring a little [bit] of unpredictability to the character, just because you just don't know what you're getting or how high he might be, how un-high he might be. It makes it a constant challenge, in terms of trying to work out where you believe he is. Also, it's understanding the highs and the lows and the need for the next fix and everything else that goes with it.

Which gives you levels to play. He's very complicated. There's a lot of comedic effect, but obviously it comes with some pretty serious and severe repercussions, not only to himself but to the family and others. It can become a bit of a liability in many aspects of it. It's a challenge; I enjoy pushing myself through and getting through. I don't enjoy shoveling protein powder and sugar up my nose as regularly as I have.

Is that what that is?! Yeah. We were gonna use proper cocaine, but then I wouldn't actually be able to do the job anymore. [Laughs]

What are the actual side effects of snorting protein powder?! It's why I got so big, you see. I grew! My muscles got massive. [Laughs] No, honestly, it's pretty horrible. After so many times, it gets really gooey. Then you just get these pounding headaches...yeah, it's not that pleasant.

Good god. Now that the guys think they can run jobs without Smurf's leadership, it feels like Craig most of all would be the loosest cannon. Can his brothers handle him the way she could? I actually don't think he knows even how to handle himself. For Craig this season, that is brought to the story, him losing the anchor, his mother. And like any kid leaving the nest, they tend to have their own ideas of how things can be done when you really do cut ties. Smurf, for Craig, is the only thing that keeps him in check in terms of financially, because that's the only restrain that he has put on him—Smurf gives him the credit cards and lodging. As soon as that's taken away, he's very much on his own. That can go two ways for the people. Sometimes they just go right off into the deep end, realize how they got there and that they've made a big mistake. Then you also have the other side, where people really figure out what they need to do in life and start taking responsibility.

Where does Craig fall? Definitely both angles of that are investigated through this season. It's an amazing arc for Craig this year, because obviously once he's off and has his own ideas [about jobs], which is an interesting thing. It happens with all the boys. They all have their own opinion of how things should be run.

Without spoiling anything, what is coming next for this guy then? You actually start to learn a lot more about Craig this year. He's someone that I think is seen as this bit of an asshole. He's very loyal to his family and surprises a lot of people in that way...his loyalty and the way he looks out for Deran (Jake Weary), especially, but really his whole family. I think we saw an element of that last year when he checked in with Deran about being gay and saying that he was completely fine with it and supported him all the way. We begin to learn a lot more about the principles that Craig holds himself accountable to. Even with all these crazy addictions and reckless behavior—and bottom line, being a criminal—he does weirdly have quite a strong moral code.

Sullivan Stapleton from Blindspot played Craig in the film version of Animal Kingdom. Have you talked to him about doing the show? No, I haven't, but I've actually met his manager or agent, just after I'd shot the pilot. We took a photo with her and she sent it off to him. I'm a huge fan of his. I actually watch Blindspot, as well. I really wanted to see how he was doing on it and it's a great show. He was amazing in the movie. I'm not surprised he's doing as well as he is. He's just got such a great quality about him as an actor. Everyone from that movie speaks volumes for how great the performances were, because every one of those actors have gone on to do some really incredible things.

So much attention was paid to your butt last season. [Laughs] Yeah, a lot actually.

Did you spend extra time in between seasons doing a lot more squats? Anything just to keep everything right and tight for all of Craig's copious pantless scenes? [Laughs] I was not only working on my squats, I actually started working with some models to work on my catwalk, so I could really have a better walk down the corridor next time!

It's honestly not an episode of Animal Kingdom without that thing showing up. You know what, I really had no idea it was going to be like that. I think the first scene that I shot actually of the whole show was the kitchen scene [where I walk in naked], which was a pretty crazy moment. But I think at least with our show, a lot of it isn't really gratuitous. It's getting the show across about how free he is and how crazy he is.

It totally fits with Craig because he's such a hedonist that he wouldn't have any of those hang-ups. That's just it! I think that's very much the culture, as well. I think that in surf culture, you're only ever really wearing a pair of board shorts. When you get up to the things that Craig does as regular as he does, you're bound to catch him naked quite a lot. And I have definitely become very close with the costume department because of the lack of costumes I'm wearing and the amount of robes and stuff you need to be put on you before people can come back on set!

Aside from that sort of daring, did you get to do any really amazing action sequences this season? Oh, yeah. I got to do some pretty cool stuff last year, but this year it has been pumped up in a whole new way. We were jumping off cranes, we did more stuff on the bikes, which was fun. Just ripping through the streets around there. They actually, unbelievably, had us surfing with sharks two or three weeks ago.

Was this when there was like, 15 sharks spotted off the California coast? I'm not kidding you when I tell you that we were in there and I was told that once we got out, they saw shadows under where we were. The next day, sure enough, [that beach] was closed down for great whites.

I would never leave the house again. And speaking of houses, is the Cody living room on your set where everyone tends to hang out anyway? It looks so comfortable. You know, it's funny. Obviously, we have a whole lot of built-up sets and the Cody home is a working and livable home. The bathrooms work. The sinks work. The bedrooms all work. There's air conditioning in there. There's a pool. Last year, we had a pool table there. When we're filming around the other places in the studio, we'll just go back to our trailers. In the house, people will just go and sit in the living room and read magazines, check phones. And hang out. It really is. I would be very happy in life if I manage to get a house like that one day. Just maybe not living with the Codys. [Laughs]

Yeah, no. You don't even want them as neighbors. I think it'd actually be worse if they were neighbors because you wouldn't know when they were coming to get you. [Laughs]

https://www.tvinsider.com/226099/ben-robson-animal-kingdom-tnt-craig-cody/

#ben robson #interview

[brainrattlers]

I Hope I Can Handle It (Part 8/?)

Summary: Sequel to “Think You Can Handle It?” - Reader is in a long-distance relationship, and is traveling for the holidays to see her man.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x reader

Words:  3994

Warnings: Fluff. Little bit of language.  Insinuation that general sexy naughtiness is going on. But it is very PG.  Feelings of not being worthy.

A/N: Ugh this is dragging, I’m sorry. But we’re meeting some more new people in this installment, and there is a big announcement at the end.  Tags at the bottom, if you want in, let me know!

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7)

“Seb! Glad to see you made it this morning! I wasn’t sure if you would or not.  And who is this?”

You smiled, and felt pretty awkward actually, as Sebastian introduced you to Don, his trainer.  Not exactly prepared for your excursion to the gym, you had picked up some super basic workout clothes on the way in, making sure they were baggy enough to hide all those things you supposed you were going to get told to work on.

Shaking Don’s hand, he gave off a very likeable vibe.  Don gave you a tour of the facility, and you recognized portions of it from videos that were posted on Instagram/Facebook.  You even recognized a few of the regulars.  The nerves and awkwardness soon melted away, as everyone was super nice.  You understood why Sebastian liked the guy - he wasn’t a drill sergeant. Sure, he was demanding of his clients, but he was always so positive and genuine.  He didn’t just tell them all what to do, he was right in there with them, lifting weights, doing yoga, spin class, etc.

After the group gathered, it was time to get warmed up.  Finding out it was a weight-lifting day, you became apprehensive.  Sensing something was amiss, Don automatically started calling out exercises for everyone to do, and grabbed some lighter weights and modified the workouts for you.  Being brand new, obviously he didn’t want to over-work you, or scare you off completely.  It was a little awkward, feeling like you were drawing attention away, but you were glad to see that the others took on leadership roles in their groups, cheering everyone on, pushing their limits.  If there was an exercise that just wasn’t working out, Don tailored it to fit your abilities better.  

Eventually you were brought back into the group as some machine work was being done, and even though you weren’t doing massive amounts of weight comparatively, you felt good about yourself.  You felt like you belonged when you heard a huge compliment come out of Don’s mouth as you were doing leg curls.

“Seb! Your girl here is a BEAST!  You better watch yourself buddy, she’s going to be doing more weight than you!”

Everyone chuckled, and Sebastian was beaming with pride at you. He knew how apprehensive you were even about coming in, but was so glad you joined in.  You were happy you joined in, not that you were getting to ogle your man, but you were getting to do an activity together, something he enjoyed.  Although the view certainly didn’t hurt.

As you started getting more into it, time passed quickly, and the workout was over.  You thanked Don for helping you out.  He said he expected to see you a few more times before you left. Nodding, you said you’d be ready for it.  The next day was going to be yoga and spin, and that was a comforting thought.

Both you and Seb headed for the locker rooms, and he said he’d meet you out in a bit.  Sharing a sweaty, so obviously quick kiss, you went your separate ways.  You were definitely looking forward to a shower after that workout.  Getting your stuff from one of the lockers, you found your way to the showers, and rather enjoyed the warm water for a bit before getting cleaned up and presentable to head back out again.  Putting on your pants, the realization of being super sore tomorrow was hitting hard.  You had to remind yourself it was worth it though.  

Grabbing your phone, you noticed a Seb texted you while getting cleaned up.  Opening it, you realized it was a selfie of him shirtless in the mirror.  You were most certainly saving that photo.  Sweatpants hanging a little low, showing off the band on his Calvins. This was the first time he sent such a photo.  You were busy admiring the view when your phone buzzed again.

“See something you like? :p You’re taking an awfully long time to get back out here babe.”

“Can’t respond. Drool drowning phone. Be out soon.”

Quickly fixing your hair, you grabbed your bag and headed for the door. Sebastian was just down the hallway, smirking at you as you turned the corner.  As you approached, you cocked an eyebrow as the smirk twisted into a playfully evil grin on his face.

“I see those gears turning, Seb.  What is going on in that head of yours? Atop those muscular shoulders, which those arms are attached to…”  Your fingers trailed down his chest.

Wicked wouldn’t even scratch the surface of the look Sebastian was giving you.  Grabbing your arm, Sebastian pulled you down the stairs and out a back door of the building.  Ducking into a doorway, he pulled you into his body, arms wrapping around you. A feeling of warmth and security washed over you, but there was a sense of urgency as his lips mashed into yours.  Your fingers snaked around behind his neck and into the hair hiding under his ball cap. After a few moments, you had to break the kiss to catch your breath.

“And what was THAT for?” You giggled as his hands settled on your lower back, lips grazing the crook of your neck.  Your cheek fell against the scruff of his, eliciting a soft, incoherent mumble pressed into your skin.  Not giving up, you had to playfully swat Sebastian away from that spot that was inevitably going to leave you in a puddle on the concrete if he kept it up.

Finally giving up the battle, your neck was safe as Sebastian stood upright, putting a few inches between his lips and your skin.

“I want to make all sorts of memories today.  Ones that I can look back on when I pass by certain locations, and smile, maybe blush, maybe laugh.  You ready for this?”

“You don’t have to ask me twice.  Where are we going?”

“It’s all a surprise,” Sebastian said as his hand slid up and down your arm, firmly grasping your fingers, “I think you’ll enjoy it though, hurry, I think we can catch the next bus pretty quick!”  

Jogging through traffic, you indeed caught the bus heading north on Washington Avenue.  After a number of stops, the two of you hopped off, and walked a couple blocks, finding yourself in front of the Guggenheim.  You couldn’t contain your smile, it was one of the places you’d hope to get a chance to see.  Before you entered the museum, you posed for a quick selfie, one with you having a shocked look on your face, whipping around to stare down Sebastian with a shit-eating grin.

“And this will be the memory of the time I grabbed your ass in front of the Guggenheim.  And… uploaded to Instagram!”

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?”

“You love it, don’t deny it.”  Sebastian sloppily kissed your cheek in another selfie.  You rolled your eyes and squeezed his hand as you walked inside the museum.

After spending a couple hours wandering around, it occurred to your stomachs that it was time to get some food.  Sebastian lead you by a few restaurants, but stopped inside one specializing in German and Austrian cuisines. You were given a quiet booth toward the back.  After looking at the menu, made your selections, and chatted until your lunch arrived.  

Expecting a little more flavor to his dish, Sebastian grabbed the pepper and loaded up his plate, much to his nose’s dismay.  The next thing you knew, his head flew backward with an inhale, and a sneeze came flying out, his leg bumping the table, causing his plate to jump up and jostle around.

“Are you okay?”  You tried to stifle the giggle threatening to get past your lips.

Looking a little sheepish, he smiled and laughed.

“And Cafe Sabarsky is where you sneezed in your schnitzel! That will be another good memory to chuckle at.”

The laughter continued for a few moments, followed with a deep gaze into each others’ eyes.

“Baby girl, I’m so glad you’re here.  Things feel right with you here.  Too bad we both have to ship out here in a few.  But for now, so glad you’re here.”  Sebastian tapped your foot with his own.  You smiled, nodding in agreement, before Sebastian’s rumbling stomach ruined the mood.  Sebastian forced you to save room for dessert though, ordering a slice of the chocolate hazelnut mousse cake to share.  You suddenly became that couple, feeding each other bites of the decedent cake, not caring about the world around you.

Continuing a cultural day, a short walk found the two of you at the Museum of Modern Art.  You pretended to be art critics, coming up with absolutely ridiculous stories as to what each piece was about, and what the artist was feeling when it was created.  People stopped and stared as your laughter got a bit boisterous at times, taking photos of each other in random poses with the art. A few ended up on Instagram as well documenting the hilarity of your visit.

The museum announced it was closing, and Sebastian’s eyes lit up.

“I have one more place we need to go on this adventure,” he mumbled as he looked up something on his phone, “C’mon, we need some sunlight to pull this off!”

Leading you out the door, you walked a few minutes to Times Square.  Still looking at his phone, he turned around, looking for something, but you weren’t sure what.  Finally he had an ah-HA! moment, and brought you close.

“Okay, you stand here, and… excuse me, miss?”  Sebastian tapped the shoulder of a woman walking with some friends.  “Could you—”

“OH MY GOD YOU ARE SEBASTIAN STAN! And you tapped MY shoulder OH MY GOD!”

“Miss, I was just—”

“AHHHH!!! GUYS LOOK WHO IT IS!”  The woman nearly shrieked.  “It is Carter from Gossip Girl!!! OH MY GOD!”

“Yeah, I—”

“I’m sorry, but you’re you! Okay breathe, breathe.  Um, hi.  You tapped me on the shoulder?”

“I was just wondering if you’d snap a quick photo of us?”  He handed her his phone.

“Sure, oh, yeah OH MY GOSH! I am shaking!”

“Maybe you should hand your camera to your friend next to you.”

Doing as she was told, the friend got ready to take a photo.  Sebastian grabbed you around the waist, and dipped you backward, giving you a huge kiss.  Not prepared for it, it left you dizzy as you came back upright after a few clicks of the camera phone went off.

“Perfect.  Oh geez, my friend is hyperventilating… I’m so sorry.”

Sebastian laughed and pulled her in for a tight hug, posing for a selfie, all while you got your bearings back, snapping photos of the group with Seb.  They finally dispersed and you were on your way back to the train station.

It was a quiet ride on the train, as you dozed against Sebastian's shoulder.  He was doing something on his phone, but you couldn’t quite see it.  Your phone buzzed with a notification from Instagram.  Opening it, you noticed you were tagged in one of Seb’s photos.

It hit you.  You were in the spot the Kissing on V-J Day photograph was taken.  And of course the comments started flooding in, about the (Winter) Soldier kissing the girl.  It was a cute photo, you were going to need to get it to make a copy of it.  That would probably be the one that you’d want on your nightstand.  Or phone background. Or both.

The rest of the trip on the train went quick, holding hands and just smiling at each other.  It was a comfortable silence, the kind where no one feels like they need to say anything, just be happy with each other’s company.  Wrapping his arm around your shoulder, you snuggled in for a few moments before the train came to your stop.  Walking the rest of the way, every few feet, Sebastian would stop to kiss you, on your cheek, your hand, your lips, forehead, anywhere he could get, and mention “this is where I kissed your ________.”

His phone buzzed as you approached his building.

“Perfect timing.  Gotta get back on that chicken and veggies routine.”

You rolled your eyes, but smiled in support, saying you’d have a little too.  Inside the building, the elevator doors closed around you, and Sebastian kissed you deeply, the entire ride up, just like he said he would the first day.  Giggling as you stepped out, he had you hop on his back for a piggyback ride to the door, threatening to drop you to get his keys out.  Instead, you just clung tighter, kissing his shoulder as you wrapped your arms and legs around his torso.  He dropped you off on the sofa before heading to the kitchen to make dinner.

As you heard the clatter of cooking noises from the kitchen, your phone blooped that you had an incoming Skype call from Mama J.  Bringing your phone to the kitchen, you gave the view of Sebastian cooking dinner for the two of you, albeit a simple chicken breast and steamed veggies, but Mama J was impressed.

“Child, you keep that man.  Good men are hard to find.  Good men who cook are even more rare.”

The three of you chatted as he cooked and the two of you ate, talking about the holidays and upcoming plans. You had excused yourself to use the restroom, but left the conversation between the two of them going.  As you returned, Sebastian hushed Mama J.

“Shh! She’s coming back! We gotta stop talking about her!”

Mama J cackled on the screen, before admitting she needed to get back to work.  

“I miss you both, come home soon!  I have plenty of tomato soup and grilled cheese waiting!”

“Bye Mama J, see you soon.”  You both waved before ending the call.

“So what were you two talking about before I came back? All good things about me, right?”

“Riiight.  I was telling her about how absolutely ill-behaved you were at the MoMA today.”  He laughed.

“You were the one that started it, Mr. Stan…”

“I beg to differ, Regina mea…”

It took a few moments for that to click. Regina mea… my queen.  Grabbing your phone, you tapped a few keys.

“Oh is that so? You’re the one sending me shirtless selfies in the locker room.” You paused to look at the phone’s screen. “Regele meu… I hope I pronounced that right.”

“Your king, am I? I like the sound of that.  Maybe the king needs to show his queen his adoration…” Sebastian grabbed the dishes from the table, and told you go to wait for him on the sofa as he cleaned up.  Curling up with a blanket on the sofa, the sound of Sebastian singing while he did the dishes, popping his head out of the kitchen to sing a few lines directly to you of You Are So Beautiful, by Joe Cocker, directly looking into your eyes.  Before he finished the song, he made his way to the sofa, holding your foreheads together, barely whispering the words before he kissed the tip of your nose.

“Bed time?” whispered from your lips.

“Sure thing baby girl, we’ve got a date with the gym again in the morning, and I’m exhausted already.”  

He gently picked you up and carried you to the bedroom.  It was unspoken that despite wanting more, the both of you were drained from the day’s events, and fell asleep, bodies tangled.

That damn alarm. Why does my body ache? Do we really need to go to the gym? Ugh, I gotta go pee, but Sebastian is nice and warm.

These were all thoughts running through your head as the 5:30AM alarm went off on Seb’s phone.  Grabbing your own, Y/F/N texted you something she saw come up on Tumblr.  Someone did a recreation of yesterday’s Times Square photo using Bucky Barnes kissing a stylized version of you in a nurse’s uniform.  You had to admit it was cute.  

Seb groaned as he untwisted his limbs from yours to head to the kitchen to get things going.  Haphazardly pulling your hair back, you got dressed to head to the gym again.  At least it was going to be a good stretching day with some cardio and finishing it off with yoga.  

Once at the gym, you filled up a water bottle before joining the group for a spin class.  You weren’t quite prepared for it, but you were flanked by Sebastian and Don, who were both pushing you on, powering through the nearly 45 minute class.  You may not have made it as far as they did, but you were proud of yourself for getting to the point you did without giving up.  You wiped down your face before you headed over to the next room for some cool-down yoga.  

Sebastian rolled out your mat before you.  “Regina mea…”  You bowed, giggling.

“Where are you working out at, Regele meu?”

“Right behind you.  Best view in the room!”

“Really, babe? REALLY?”

“You know it.”  He winked at you as class began.

It wasn’t an easy class, but it was challenging and definitely was a good way to cool down after spin.  Some of the positions, you could feel Seb’s eyes on your backside, or you’d catch him getting slightly out of position to watch you leaning over, you looking behind you catching his eyes with your own.  

Sebastian obviously wasn’t completely focused on the class, and Don called him out on it.  He apologized and tried to keep his composure, but the sight in front of him sometimes was just too much for him.  

Never in a million years did he expect to meet a girl like you.  To him, you were his world, you really were his queen, his regină.  You made his heart skip a beat when you’d smile.  His heart pounded when you’d touch him. It would calm when you curled up close to him.  And suddenly, it was hurting at the thought that you’d be leaving in a few days to go back home, to your life, and he’d be going off to Atlanta to start filming a few things before the big push with Infinity War.  His thoughts wandered as he attempted to pay attention to the class.  All he knew was that no matter what, he wanted to make things work, because you were the missing piece to the puzzle that is Sebastian Stan.

When class ended, Seb apologized to Don again as they walked to the locker room chatting about plans for the rest of the year.  You headed off toward your own, ready for a cool shower to wash away the efforts you put forth. After a relaxing shower, your phone blinked a missed message from Seb.

“Baby girl, I just got a call from my manager. I’m being called in this afternoon to work on a few things before the end of the year. Tell me that you’re not upset, I didn’t plan on this happening today.”

You quickly texted back “It’s okay, I figured you were going to have to work at some points… I’ve got plenty I can do, or I can still just chill at the apartment, right?  I’m hurrying, we can talk in a few.”

Drying off quickly, you got dressed and threw your hair up under the NEW YORK cap you bought earlier in the trip.  Sebastian was waiting in the hallway again, looking like he was a kicked puppy.

“I’m so sorry babe, really. Did you have plans for us today? I hope I didn’t ruin anything.. Ugh this.. This is stressing me out.  I feel like I’m failing as your boyfriend.”

His words, and the fact his eyes were tearing up, nearly killed you.  Taking his face in your hands, you tried soothing his frazzled nerves.  He leaned into the touch of your palms resting on his cheeks, closing his eyes.  You tilted his head toward yours as he opened his eyes again.

“Babe, I didn’t expect you to have to babysit me this whole time. Something I learned early on with us is that you’re a gift to the world that I have to learn to share.  And I’m fine with it. That gives me time too, to still be me.  As much as I would want to be with you 24/7, I know that isn’t fair because we still have things going on in our separate lives to tend to.  I know you have to work to do, you have so much coming up, and I am so proud of you with what all you’ve accomplished.  And what you’re going to accomplish.  Just know this, if I didn’t think I could handle it, or that you couldn’t candle it, I wouldn’t still be here. And you’re still here.  We’ve got this babe, we’ve got this.”

A tear fell from his eyes as he started to smile again. Using your thumb, you quickly whisked it away.  Leaning toward you, he bumped his forehead into yours, taking your hands in his still against his skin.  You could see the gears turning in his head, as he suddenly whispered in Romanian.

“Nu te merit, dar am noroc că te am. Ești atât de tare. Esti stanca mea. Tu esti regina mea. Te iubesc.”

Another tear fell from his eye, and you could feel him shaking under your fingertips. Suddenly tears started to fall from your own eyes.

“I don’t know the majority of what you just said, but I recognize a few of those words,” you whispered back, “and I love you too, Sebastian.”

He didn’t even hide it. His body shook as  tears continued to fall, but they were happy tears. You  wrapped your arms around him, pulling him in tight.  The position was held for a few moments before he pulled away to wipe his face on the collar of his shirt, demeanor completely changed. His eyes sparkled, and his grin could not be contained.

“I love you, Y/N. I can’t say it enough. I love you. I love YOU. I LOVE you. I hope you don’t get tired of me saying it.  Because I’m going to say it all the time.  I (kiss on the forehead) love (kiss on the nose) you (long kiss on the lips).”

You giggled.  “I’m not going to get tired of hearing it. And you’re going to hear it, too, so be prepared.”

Sebastian grabbed your hand, and turned toward the door.  His confident swagger came back, as he strutted onto the street with his beautiful love on his arm.  The ride back home was spent with him nuzzling his nose to your ear and neck, murmuring words of adoration into your skin.  You squeezed his hand with every one, smiling as bright as the sun. Sebastian grabbed his phone from his pocket, and snapped a quick photo, perfectly capturing you mid-giggle.  He slid his phone back in his pocket upon arriving home, and kissed you passionately on the elevator ride up.  You opened the door to the apartment, and plopped down in a kitchen chair as he made a quick lunch for the two of you.  The dazed, happy look never left your face. You weren’t expecting to hear those words for a while, but here they were, and you were more than happy to say them back.

Realizing he was running a bit late, you offered to finish up the dishes so he could get to his meeting.  With a quick kiss, a smack on your behind, and a  whisper of “Iubirea mea,” (my love), Sebastian was out the door.

And you had the afternoon to yourself.  With the physical and emotional releases of the morning, you curled up in Sebastian’s bed and took a well deserved nap.

*** Nu te merit, dar am noroc că te am. Ești atât de tare. Esti stanca mea. Tu esti regina mea. Te iubesc. translates, according to Google, to “I do not deserve you, but I'm lucky to have you. You're so strong. You are my rock. You are my queen. I love you.“

(Part 9)

Tags: @dawn121​, @sceaterian, @pennyroyalcreep, @karollbey, @discophony,  @imamoose​, @skatinginpr0gress, @bluebrrn, @goldwanderer, @alistair-honeywell

#sebastian stan x reader #IHICHI #Get your sweat on

[adventuresaroundasia]

I’ve noticed that the more I travel and the busier I become, the more impossible it becomes to keep up with my travels in real-time. Well, never fear monthly recap posts are here!

Merry Christmas from China!

Yes, I know the month is half over. But you know what? I was busy!

I considered abandoning writing this December review altogether, especially considering I gave you all a yearly review already, but then I realized I’d be giving up on the one thing I do on this blog with actual consistency.

So, here we are! At least December was interesting.

Where I Went

I stayed in Beijing the whole month of December right up until the last few days where I took a flight home to Seattle!

Highlights

Wonder why it took so long…

1. So… I’m No Longer Single

Yeah, THAT happened.

Remember that one time I published an article about my quarter-life crisis and had a job and a plan just one month later? Well, I guess all I need to do is publish a viral article on Huffington Post and Matador Network about how travel is ruining my love life, and then the sexy traveling men come running!

If you read my writing with any consistency (or follow my Snapchat), I’m sure you know exactly who I’m dating. If not, you’ll figure it out when I head to Sumatra with him in two weeks.

So, what’s changing now that I have an actual real relationship and not just 3-6 month casual flings? Well, we’re going to write a couples blog together!!!

… Just kidding.

Pretty much nothing with change except for the fact that I’ll be going on my annual Chinese New Year trip with him instead of solo. There will probably also be less self-deprecating jokes about my 5-year single cat lady status.

Edmonds Washington on a rare clear day

2. I Went Home to Seattle

At the very, very end of the month, I headed home to Seattle for the New Year. Since I wasn’t allowed to go home for Christmas, my family had a fake Christmas for me (on January 1st, I’m a cheater!) where we ate Thanksgiving food and exchanged gifts from me and one of my aunts who was sick and wasn’t able to make the real Christmas celebration.

I’ll spill more Seattle details in my next monthly recap (in two weeks) since most of the fun stuff happened in January. But I will say that it was so nice to go home! The air was fresh and crisp (and not polluted), and it was great to see my family and a few friends after such a long time apart.

As usual, I kept forgetting I could drink water from the sink and flush toilet paper. I also had trouble sleeping on my bed because it was too soft. #ChinaProblems.

Wandering Houhai Lake

3. My Sexy Man Came to Visit Beijing

Okay, I’ll stop.

But in all seriousness, after almost two months of not seeing each other, a quick visit in December was a great boost to my busy work life. We exchanged Christmas gifts, tried out my favorite restaurants, and had a great time despite the cold and pollution.

My favorite day was probably the one we spent exploring my neighborhood Beijing. After a morning brunch with all of my roommates at Cafe Zarah, I took him to Houhai lake. While unfortunately, it wasn’t frozen enough to ice skate on yet, we walked around the whole lake and even saw people swimming in the freezing water!

Then I took him to my favorite cat cafe for a quick coffee and a hutong Christmas market filled with vendors selling mulled wine, jewelry, locally made products and some pretty awesome homemade peppermint chapstick. Afterward, we ate dinner at my favorite Sichuan restaurant, Zhang Mama, and had alcoholic pie shakes (yes they are as good as they sound) for dessert at Rager Pie!

An EPIC seafood dinner!

4. Office Christmas Party

With admissions season being very intense, having a fun little Christmas party was exactly what I needed! We did an office Secret Santa where I was tasked with finding a gift for a young Chinese coworker. I know she has a penchant for good Baijiu (strong Chinese liquor), so of course, I gifted her a bottle!

She absolutely freaked out, trying to figure out who gave her the gift. My coworkers had a great time teasing her, telling her the head boss gave it to her. Eventually, she discovered it was me after a day of accusing all the coworkers.

In addition to cake and pizza for lunch, the head boss took all the college counselors out for a fantastic seafood dinner. We ordered a giant platter of delicious lobster, crabs, shrimp, crayfish, regular fish and more. We made a pretty good dent, but we definitely needed at least two more people to finish it off!

After an awkward and tense last few months at work, the Christmas party and seafood dinner smoothed things over a bit. We also got to celebrate getting a kid into Princeton! While he wasn’t one of my students, I did spend 5+ hours coaching him for his admissions interview, so it was great to get a shoutout from my manager when he got in. At least I know I’m kind of valued!

Me not crying in the office on Christmas

Challenges

1. Not Going Home For Christmas

Like I said last month, I wasn’t allowed to go home for Christmas due to the whims of my boss and manager and rules that didn’t make any sense. While I was perfectly fine working Christmas eve (seriously, it was a slow day), and spending the evening watching a movie while munching on a Turkey and mashed potato pie from Rager Pie (and a pecan pie for desert!), the pity I got from others was really annoying.

It felt like everyone was absolutely shocked I couldn’t go home, especially since I was one of the only ones. All of my roommates flew home, except one, and pretty much all of my foreign coworkers too.

Every student who came to the office was shocked to find me there. Every Chinese person I encountered that weekend asked me why I wasn’t going home. People assumed I at least should have some grand Christmas dinner at one of the foreign restaurants, or a potlatch with all my friends.

Well, you know what people? I had no friends to hang out with on Christmas and I was FINE WITH IT. I didn’t even mind looking at everyone’s Christmas pictures and snaps on social media. I just wanted everyone to stop pitying me and let me enjoy my Christmas pies and massage in peace.

and we celebrated with a lot of seafood

2. The End of Admissions Season

IT’S OVER.

US college admissions season is finally over. All of the millions of essays and stress are OVER. This should be in my “Highlights” section, but since admissions season lasted until January 1st (with a second deadline for some schools on January 15th), I don’t officially get to celebrate until my next monthly recap.

Last month was pretty stressful getting everything done, and I wanted to bang my head on my keyboard more than once. I had students changing their intended major half-way through a 200-word essay (SERIOUSLY??). I had kids giving me 800-word essays for a prompt that only allowed 450 words. I even had to edit a recommendation letter from a parent about her son (?!) which is NOT in my job description. She just needed help getting it down from over 1,000 words to 600. At least she loves her kid?

3. Absolutely Horrifying Pollution

What’s new? We had a 3-day red alert in Beijing, which meant that all the schools were closed… but I still had to go to work! The WHO recommends PM2.5 levels stay under 50, but for a Red Alert in Beijing, the pollution forecast needs to be 300+ for 4 consecutive days.

Guess how high the pollution was in Beijing? BETWEEN 600-800!!!!

At least it wasn’t as bad as surrounding Hebei province, that had some cities with pollution over 1,000! Let’s just say I lived in my pollution mask and had my air purifiers on constantly. I also developed excruciating headaches, but now I’ve discovered the headaches are actually from me needing new glasses (I think).

A giant roomie brunch!

My Most Popular Post

You all seemed to really love my post on eating like a local in Beijing’s hutongs. I absolutely love Chinese food, and the hutongs, so a hutong food tour was right up my alley. It was so fun to discover all of these incredible places to eat right near my apartment, and I loved being able to share all of them with you!

Best Instagram

Just when I was starting to run out of decent photos of myself, an angel in the form of my friend Sarah delivered a bunch of cute shots of me in Vietnam. This photo of me temple hopping in Hue Vietnam was the post popular!

I loved exploring all of the many temples in Hue Vietnam. I only had one day there which definitely wasn’t enough. I guess I’ll just have to go back!! Thanks to my friend @peachelette for taking this incredible photo!

A photo posted by Richelle (@adventuresaroundasia) on Jan 7, 2017 at 8:52pm PST

Song of the Month

For those of you who watch my Snapchat, this song might sound a little familiar. I started most of my Seattle snap stories with this one and I’ve had a lot of people ask about it. Thank god for Spotify Discover!

What I’m Reading

This last month I read 1.5 books and a manuscript for a book my friend is writing! Here’s my take on the two books you can actually buy and read.

1. The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

The Handmaid’s Tale is one of those “school books” I should’ve read growing up but never did. But when I discovered Hulu is making a tv version with Elisabeth Moss as the lead, I figured I should probably get around to reading the book.

The Handmaid’s tale is INCREDIBLE, and it’s by far the best book I read this year. A patriarchal totalitarian Christian dystopia, this book really made me understand what it must be like to live as a woman under the Taliban or ISIS. The story centers around Offred, a woman who grew up in modern New York and experienced the Gilead revolution.

Separated from her husband and daughter whilst trying to escape to Canada, Offred becomes a “handmaid”. Due to a nasty strain of syphilis, most of the population is infertile, so handmaids are given to the commanders to help them bear children. Not a concubine or even a sexual object, Offred’s sole purpose is to help repopulate the world.

Seriously, everyone should read this book and then watch the show when it comes out!

Who needs babies when there are cat cafes?

2. What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding- Kristin Newman

I’m not quite finished with this book yet, but I’m already obsessed! Written by a screenwriter for shows like How I Met Your Mother and The Neighbors, Newman chronicles her comedic and romantic travel adventures for the last decade and a half.

After spending all of her 20’s in serious relationships, Kristin takes her 30-something commitment phobia to a new level, having wild, sexy, and hilarious adventures abroad. I actually can’t put this book down!

Hello Houhai!

The Best Blog Posts

Here are my absolute favorite blog posts of the month!

Six Ways Living Abroad Made me a Worse Person– Matador Network

I really enjoyed this post by Isabelle Sudron on Matador because it’s so relatable! As an expat, sometimes it’s hard not to fall into the trap of not learning the language, only associating with other expats, basking in unknown privilege, and judging your friends back home. I consistently work not to fall into these traps, but sometimes it can be hard!

Asia is Not Your Dumping Ground– Adventurous Alexis

I see this less in China (Chinese people kind of treat their own country like a dumping ground), but I encounter this phenomenon a lot in Southeast Asia. Entitled backpackers and tourists arrive and drink themselves sick, refuse to respect the culture, experiment with illegal drugs, dress inappropriately, and trash pristine beaches.

Southeast Asia might be like a Disneyland for adults but it’s also home to many people with way less privilege than you. When you visit someone else’s’ house, you respect it.

Enjoying latte and a pasta at Cafe Zarah

How Moving to Mexico Helped My Family Cut Bills by 55%– Tim Leffel

Shocked? I’m not.

Every time I go home people still don’t understand why I’m living and working in China. They see the smog and the culture difference and assume I’m sacrificing a lot to live here. But I feel the same way when I see my friends cutting coupons back home.

People are shocked when I explain how I’ve saved almost $20,000 USD in 1.5 years without even really trying. I live in downtown Beijing in a pretty nice apartment (with 5 roommates… hey, rent is expensive!), I eat out, I get $5 coffees and drink craft beer or nice cocktails at hidden hutong bars. I travel to places like Korea, Vietnam, and the Philippines during my holiday breaks. I take taxis whenever I feel like it, and I even have a bi-weekly maid.

Sure I have to wear a mask a few weeks out of the year, but I have a pretty great life in Beijing!

Pin me!

What’s Happening in January 2017?

Well, January is already half over, but it’s going to be a great month! I got to spend the first half of it home in Seattle, and now I’m back in Beijing for just a week and a half. Chinese New Year is early this year, so at the end of the month, I’ll be heading to Sumatra Indonesia! This will be my first time in Indonesia and I’m so excited!

While most people go to Bali, I just didn’t quite feel like going to a touristy island. I don’t know why, but I just never found Bali super appealing. I would go live there for a few months as a digital nomad, but I wanted to go somewhere a bit off the beaten path this time around.

I went to Thailand but skipped Phuket and Koh Phi Phi. I went to Cambodia and spent only 2 hours in Sihanoukville oh the way to Koh Rong. I visited the Philippines and skipped Boracay in favor of Siargao and Siquijor… I guess you can say it’s a pattern.

Happy New Year Everyone! How was your December?

  This Beijing Life: Month 16 I’ve noticed that the more I travel and the busier I become, the more impossible it becomes to keep up with my travels in real-time.

#Beijing #Christmas #expat life #This Beijing Life