#just talking about my life i guess | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

0verthinking1t · 2 years

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How it's going

(before I get into it, a little TL;DR I wanted to make sure is visible from the top: if you're looking to apply for SSI and, like me, have no idea what you're doing and don't know where to start, look at Atticus.com . They're a legal firm/database that will screen you for eligibility and then match you with a law office/lawyer who will help you apply and get approved. There's no up front cost; the fee for legal services is 25% of your first benefit check only, IF you get approved. I know that seems like a lot, but it's because the first check usually includes backpay for application time and any amount of time you were eligible before you applied. I know it's overwhelming, and so do they; making your first steps with you and advising you the whole way is literally what these lawyers are there for, they're expecting you to feel a little lost. ❤️)

So not long ago, I found myself in one of the worst brain fog episodes I've ever had, almost in tears because I couldn't even muster enough neurotransmitters to START sitting up off my bed, let alone take the shower I needed (and I say "almost", because I couldn't muster the neurotransmitters to actually feel anything other than TV static 😭). By the next day, I had decided to make a change, dug up some tips from fellow neurodivergent folks online, and made a plan. Thus, things like the Task Menu and Random Encounter die were born. I want to take a minute to report on this process of basically relearning how to ACTUALLY function around my mental illnesses, instead of basing the structure of my whole life on the desperation of fitting in to society.

So far, things are going pretty well, everything considered. The strategies I'm developing are accomplishing what I designed them to accomplish; I've been getting up and more actively existing instead of being a rock, and for the most part, it's eased the terrible zombie feeling in my head. Some days are better than others, of course, but I went into that acknowledging that and ready to forgive myself if I need to rest or wander off course. after all, those things just happen; that is the very nature of the things physically and chemically wrong in my brain, and that's all there is to it. Things like keeping track of things I actually do during the day as well as what I expect to get done, or like adding up the number of those things and keeping track like a daily high score, help me to view this as a process of positive reaching rather than negative guilting. And honestly, I actually have been crossing a lot of real things I had piled up off the Megaboard. I feel good about this, and I'm making a very positive start on things.

Of course, there's always room for improvement, and this process has helped me identify where I need help more clearly. I've been able to identify that, even with this daily structure keeping me rolling, I don't seem to have the mental energy to do even simple errands a lot of the time, like making doctor's appointments, or doing house cleaning, or following up on problems. Even this info has been invaluable to me though; I was able to bring it up to my psychiatrist at our last visit, and to take a critical look for myself at how bad my disability REALLY is and whether or not I was actually managing as well as I thought for the last few years. Did I really benefit from the structure provided around full time work? What was motivating me to get through basic routine every day, and how was it impacting my mood? I find that in my natural state, I need gentle reminders to drift through things like hygiene and nutrition; looking back, I realize how the same routine things that make me feel better now we're actually detracting from my mood, because I had to force them to happen around work hours at times I wouldn't normally do them. I half-assed breakfast with a protein bar every day because I wasn't hungry in the morning, so food stopped making me happy and generating motivation. I would skip brushing teeth (either consciously or accidentally) in order to make a bus/train, and just do it in the bathroom at work with a little travel toothbrush five minutes before my shift. "Play" during my off hours became "doing absolutely nothing", because I was too miserable and exhausted to indulge in more stimulating hobbies. Basically what I noticed, is that I never actually had this type of mental energy in the first place— I was in a sort of debt to myself for spending spoons I didn't have.

Continuing to look at my disabilities and realistic expectations of myself, I've noticed that I honestly don't feel ready to return to work soon in any capacity, and I'm not sure if I ever will. I'd love to get back to the art business I was setting up a while ago and have some sense of purpose through that, but I just don't feel a connection to any sort of structured employment I qualify for. Having realized that, I finally took further steps toward SSI, and found a lead on legal services to help me apply. I now have a law firm filling out my app as I write and sending me paperwork to sign, and the whole thing is suddenly much more concrete and real.

That brings me to the last thing I wanted to ramble on a bit— life updates 😊 I just mentioned the lawyer I contacted about SSI, and my recent psych appointment. Things are going well, treatment-wise, and we're working on tweaking doses and refining what works. We added anti-anxiety meds now that we know how stimulants and Prozac are working out. I also feel comfortable talking to him about the SSI process, and that he's willing to support me on that as well. As for personal goals, I've been able to keep better track of things like feeding Blyth consistently, showing up to D&D on time, and getting errands done in a timely manor. Time management for games was a big one for me— over the past couple months, I've lost track and been late a lot, either because I hyperfixated on something and lost awareness of time, or because I lost awareness of days of the week, or because I had trouble taking D&D with friends out of the mental "later" category and putting it into the "now" one. I feel really good about being able to change that for my friends 😊

Today, I'm allowing myself a bit of a cheat day. There are some things I'll feel ready to do closer to evening, but for now, I'm just lazing around with Princess Mars. I spent the last couple days at a friend's place, which was fun and relaxing, but I still needed a quiet day to recharge my social battery and let my worked-out deep conversation muscle rest and unflex. I feel better so far. I'm proud of the start I've made ❤️

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canidaezy · 20 days

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how do transmascs not want to kill themselves all the time honestly

#i experience transphobia and hardship in my daily life #and then i go home and go on my computer and learn that i dont experience any of that actually #im just pretending. and i shouldnt talk about it because im just a fake trans #who wishes his experiences could even measure up to a crumb of what real trans people (women) have to go through #ok cool.#testosterone is a controlled substance did you know that. my state is actively making it harder for people my age to access hrt #but i guess since im transmasc i dont actually have to worry about any of that! im fine!#i didnt have a 3 month time limit before it would be illegal for me to access hrt! im transmasc im too privileged to worry about that!#transphobia #transandrophobia

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ruporas · 5 months

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hugs hugs hugs (ID in alt)

#nicholas d wolfwood #vash the stampede #meryl stryfe #milly thompson #trigun #trigun maximum #and i guess #trigun maximum spoilers #i feel like i could talk forever about wolfwood’s unexpected important presence of care for the 3 of them but im also so Limited bc #half of it would be sources:just trust me #especially when it comes to meryl and wolfwood FMSMD HALF OF THEIR MAX DYNAMIC IN MY HEAD are completely pulled from those 4 panels of them #talking - its like the only scene they have together AUGHHG😭😭 But it’s fine. i love making shit up. i also think they have a good deal in #common aside from being vash’s friends (understatement) and their presence in milly's life ueeee.... and when milly BAWLED #hearing that news *explodes explodes explodes*.... anyway... this set is about wolfwood but it doesn't have to be ofc... theyre just huggin #and the 3 of them will have many more brighter hugs to share in the future #ruporas art

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lowpolyshadow · 9 months

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forced to once again remember how shadow is laughing when he says "i think i figured out what the ultimate lifeform is! it might be you!"

#speaking #he says this while literally actively dying in space losing energy enough that he isn't too prideful to say straight up #that he can't last very long like this while sonic's almost every voice line has some variant of 'shadow you okay?!?!'#he just fucking. laughs. i can only imagine it's that tired exhausted manic state that makes him go 'haha ... sonic!!!'#insane to me. like . jesus christ dude. what the fuck.#i was gonna say this is an unhinged reaction to reframing your entire life and purpose but at the same time i guess he already did that #smth smth 'i have to keep my promise to maria ... and you' (dies) (im talking about myself but him too he dies too)

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autisticandroids · 7 months

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FAMINE: That's one deep, dark nothing you've got there, Dean.

[youtube with closed captions]

dean and his father. dean and his family. dean and how bad it is.

(via @closetoyou1970)

#spn #vid #mind the warnings on this one for real #woe! fruit of my rewatch be upon ye.#pallas calls this my 'deangirl coming out vid' which honestly. true. but those who paid attention know i've always been a deangirl.#also. after this no more deanwinchester rilo kiley amvs I Pwomise #anyway. i'm not gonna give a full commentary here but a big reason why i chose this song is that the narrator #is essentially dismissing her own problems and instead watching the problems of someone else #and i kind of wanted to play with that theme. this is the parallels show so let's do some parallels. lots of things happen to characters #that are Like Dean somehow. either in personality or circumstance. that we know or can infer happen to him. but we don't see it bc it's #not sayable. not speakable. so like for an easy one. we see meg being tortured in caged heat. she also talks about apprenticing under #alastair just like dean. so i show her being tortured [in a way that is sexualized and demon-specific] and reacting how she does #because i invite the audience to imagine or interpret that this has also happened to dean at some point. we just don't see it #so there are many dean parallels in this video. some obvious. some subtle but textual. some products of my twisted mind. but that's the way #i am using them to make my argument.#oh also: dean voice sam's eyes going black is JUST like when he used to fight with dad and wouldn't listen to me when i told him not to.#i guess also the point is that because it's unsayable. dean can't say it. dean can't even acknowledge it. and so it bleeds through #into everything in his life #that's why it's important that the song narrator doesn't take her own problems seriously. dean doesn't either.

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ink-the-artist · 1 month

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forgive me if you've been asked this before or if its annoying, but how did you learn to use colored pencils like that? your art is so special to me.

ty :) I took an art class for a few years where our teacher had us buy prismacolor pencils as one of the art supplies and had us use them kinda like paints, pressing down hard right away and blending the colors together. its not how youre supposed to use them she was just trying to teach us to use color and ig this was more to the point. I picked them up again years after i stopped going to that class just bc they were there and i wanted to play around w them a bit and ended up actually enjoying it when doing it on my own terms lol

#it was a weird class #it was just this russian lady doing private lessons in her house that my mom learned about somehow #I did NOT like those classes all we did was still life and they were hours long which is esp rough when im in high school and busy #and she wanted us to stand while working the whole time bc tradition i guess?#she did allow me to work sitting but thought i was lazy for it. idk dude i dont want to exhaust myself fast for no reason #standing is a lot more tiring than walking #i def did still benefit from those classes just from learning to accurately draw from life #did not like the teacher tho #on one hand shed paid for the art supplies for kids whos families were too poor to (and these are nice expensive supplies)#which is very nice #but on the other she was very homophobic and open about it #like when they legalized gay marriage she went on a rant about how horrible it is that they can adopt kids now #and also kind of racist #she was telling me how she got blocked from a facebook group bc she made a post asking if she could speak to a white person #and she didnt realize she was posting that publicly she thought it was a private message to the group owner #im honestly still not sure i heard/understood her correctly bc it was so bizzare and the only time i ever remember her being racist #she talked abt it like she genuienly was unaware it was racist #she described it as a misunderstanding bc she accidentally posted it publicly instead of privately #like it wouldnt have been racist to ask that at all #also one time she talked about how she saw demons in her home once #also she doesnt vaccinate her kids bc of microchips #she was like a walking russian stereotype lol #anyway heres some ink the artist lore

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wanderingsquirrelgirl · 3 months

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as a kid that grew up rich, i'm so glad we have fabian to represent the weird feeling of having everything EXCEPT the thing you need - your parent's support.

mine was closer to adaine where my parents hated everything unique and genuinely cool about me, but i didn't get the benefit of leaving them (or them tossing me aside.) partly because i wasn't as courageous as adaine in defying my parents when they were being assholes. i was adaine if she actually bought into her parents' messaging that she inherently sucked and needed to conform to her parents' ideals.

but it was also combined with parents who will make sure you have everything bc it's part of their identity as New Money Parents that want to give everything to their kid so they can Show Their Friends how much money they have (and not to actually help or dote on their kid).

hey how about you give me a little attention and care, how about that?

hellariel does seem like she loves fabian, which makes me happy for him. he at least as that. and he has agency to do what he wants with his money.

isn't it weird to figure out how shitty your childhood was based on how much better the lives are of fictional kids whose lives were intentionally made to be shitty?

EDIT: damn this resonated with more folks than i'd guessed. fellow gilded cage kiddos unite <3 we'll get thru this life together, my loves.

#just one more thing to talk to my therapist about i guess #this show making me think more of my shitty childhood than id like #but it's healthier than letting it manifest in shitty ways #fantasy high junior year #fantasy high #life reflections #fabian seacaster #fabian aramais seacaster #adaine abernant #adaine you lucky duck

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firbold · 1 year

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I’m going to be soooooo normal about Fjord pressing his sword to Caleb’s throat in their first heist together. I’m going to be SO normal about the confrontation of the Krynn soldier in the sewers and the acquiring of the first beacon. I’m GOING go be so normal about “I’m Nott the brave, a little goblin girl. But once upon a time…I was Veth”. IM going to be so normal about the happy fun ball and the blue dragon, and “I have one (1) hp” IM GOING TO BE SO NORMAL ABOUT THE WALL OF FIRE

#critical role #cr2 #the mighty nein #WAS LITERALLY JUST TALKING TO MY BESTIE ABOUT HOW EVEN THOUGH IM NOT A C1 BEETCH I WAS THANKFUL FOR THE VM SHOW AND HERE WE ARE #IM A MIGHTY NEIN STAN FOR NOW FOR LIFE FOR EVER AND I AM WINNING #the mighty nein spoilers #I guess?

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13eyond13 · 7 months

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underrated funny thing about lawlight is they never actually did get to confirm that 100% of the time they were basically thinking exactly what the other person thought they were thinking every single time

#im thinking about this because of the relationship i have with one of my bosses #like hes extremely hard to read and doesnt make small talk but hes also considerate in quiet ways #so im always like guessing what hes thinking and feeling and wondering if hes trying to do the same back #but then im like am i just projecting onto him completely? making this all up in my head #hes giving nothing and im imagining everything. and you really dont want to make assumptions because it would be awkward to be wrong #for example a few times now things that i wondered if he was doing to make my life easier were actually just things he was doing #because he was secretly preparing to close up shop #so i was glad i never voiced my appreciation for his thoughtfulness out loud to him when i found out the truth lol #ANYWAYS unlike in my situation #the entire time whenever one of those two thinks one thing the other one is like 'i bet he's thinking this' and we the readers #look between their thought bubbles and go 'pffft he sure is what are you gonna do now'#its probably a good thing they went to mu because the afterlife couldn't handle all the smug sex theyd be having on every available surface #24/7/365 #lawlight #p

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goodoldfashionednerd · 5 months

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Elias Mannix is such a tragic character, when you think about it. He was doomed from the start. Either he accepts to go with the time loop and

a) has a shitty childhood (shitty to the point of not thinking anyone ever loved him and to the point of accepting to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of lives to feel that love he was promised)

b) has to go through with the killing of hundreds of thousands of people! And I know future!Elias doesn't really show any remorse about it, but it has to fuck up a person. Especially when his decision was made pretty spontaneously in the moment, without really thinking about the consequences (I personally think that he wouldn't have done it if he had taken the time to breath, calm down and think about it). And especially knowing most of these people didn't just die at the time of the explosion, but had to suffer a slow and painful death, that Elias probably heard about/saw pictures of on TV. We don't see him as a young adult, but those years must have been tough.

c) has to make sure his childhood is shitty so that he can keep existing, and become his own abuser!!

His only other option is to not do any of that, choose to not make the bomb explode, to do the right thing, and what does he get for that? Nothing! He stops existing!! And it's not just as if he dies, he will never have existed, no one will know he ever existed, no one will remember him! Can you imagine that??

His own life is dependant on a cycle of abuse and death he created himself and it's SO. SAD.

#i've seen a lot of posts pointing out how awful and how much of a hypocrite he is #and those posts are right #but i think people mostly think of adult!elias when they talk about him #and i just can't get the 15 year old who didn't ask for any of this out of my head #his life is so fucking sad #bodies #bodies 2023 #bodies netflix #bodies meta #? i guess?#please watch this show it's SO GOOD

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artsywitchling · 4 months

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I wish I could feel the magic of living again. I just feel so ordinary these days and I don't know if it's just simply my fault for allowing myself to fall into this dark pit of living in my comfort bubble. The problem is, I want to feel something again, that I miss. So I try to recreate the moment I felt it, and it never works, because moments never hit as hard as the first time you experience them. I guess I need to go out of my shell and allow myself to experience new moments. Which is scary. It opens up the possibility to get hurt. To feel worse than before. And I really don't know how to overcome that fear inside of me.

But I'm desperate to feel the magic again.

#I guess now that I have my pc I'm going to save up my money to go on vacation #Maybe with my friends.#Maybe even alone #Everything that used to be magical feels so ordinary these days and I don't know what to draw and I don't know what to write about #and I think it's because I don't allow myself to experience new things #I am literally bored of what I call my life #I just need to be brave #artsy talks

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palettepainter · 2 months

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Sometimes selfcare is drawing your OC getting hugged

Anxiety is going through the roof right now as I try to get a job. A lot is going to on with part time work over the half term, meeting up with co-workers at a potential new job, making art for a display, meeting up for a large group project outside of art ontop of trying to see my counsellor, and all of this is JUST within the next three days

The feeling of being burnt-out and disappointed in my art and stories is just the cherry on top of the stress sundae that has become my life as of late. So this evening I decided to just do something comforting with Liv

#Muppets #The Muppets #Liv #Muppet OC #Animal #Hired Sparky #I know it's not about Hired Sparky content but it's got Liv in it so imma just tag Hired Sparky in anything she's in #I didn't even mention that my sleep schedule is whack right now and my part time job is like 95% talking to people #Which I am not good at after a while I worry so much over if I'm smiling correctly or not #Vent-ish I guess??#It's life stuff related #My ary #My OC

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dontcallmeeds · 1 year

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I saw a twitter thread that was giving reasons for Nancy Wheeler being a lesbian and I gotta say, I agree. At least that Nancy is NOT straight. The way she interacts with Barb….dude, do you know how many of the stairs conversations (from season one before Barb disappears) I’ve had with friends who were secretly seeing me??? The whole “this isn’t you” after Nancy lies about where she’s going and the way she reacts with her facial expressions…..bro, they’ve kissed before. This has been said a million times here and otherwise since season one.

But with the level of grief and guilt she goes through in season two, I’m seeing that right now in myself as someone who just had one of their best friends pass away suddenly who was also an ex. The whole “bullshit” Stancy Halloween fight could be chalked up to grief and liking Jonathan sure, but I think it’s way more than that. I think she’s calling everything bullshit including herself because she lost the one person who saw her, someone she loved more than just platonically.

Then season three is mostly just her fighting with Jonathan if you really think about it, because she wants to be more than just a sandwich girl at Hawkins Post. Someone Barb would be proud of. We only see her really happy with Jonathan in season three when they wake up late and she sneaks out and the soft moment they have at the end when he’s leaving. Other than that they’re either fighting with each other or fighting monsters. Robin calls her a “priss,” but before Steve she was just kind of a…nerd. Like Robin. Maybe they ran in the same circles? We know they don’t know each other in person, at least Nancy doesn’t know HER.

FOLLOW ME HERE: What if Robin knew Barb?? What if Barb confided in her that she had feelings for Nancy, but that Nancy was dating Steve and we know how hard Robin goes for her friends so she just made this assumption that Nancy is a priss????

Then season four of course, we see Nancy not going to California. She’s frustrated that Jonathan wouldn’t be coming and she stayed for the basketball game for her front page news right?? Why didn’t she take another flight hmmm??? And we think she’s jealous of Robin, but what if she was jealous of Steve??? Because we don’t really have indication that Steve and Nancy have spent much time around each other since summer ‘85…but Robin and Nancy go to school together. Robin is in band which means they’re in the same room *hypothetically* for the important games that Nancy needs to document. We don’t know how many games Steve went to besides the one, he could’ve been working on some of those games or on dates. So ipso facto, Robin and Nancy have (probably) been in the same room more than Steve and Nancy….why would she suddenly be jealous of ROBIN???

And you can see her genuinely enjoying being around Robin after her monologue at the psych ward when she was being “annoyed” and “on edge” with her before that. I don’t see that as “oh well she started considering her a friend” I think she had a crush, she was on edge because she had lost Barb and didn’t want to feel that way about another girl. But the monologue relaxes her because she realized Robin is just as unhinged as she is, but in a different way. Because Nancy Wheeler is IMPULSIVE. She’s smarter than hell, but she is so careless with her own safety.

Also every time the Bylers shippers contrast the Wheeler siblings really they’re just giving us Nancy Wheeler is gay proof too. Because look at their similar behaviors. They fight and bicker in a way that says “i know what you are, NO I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE”

NOT VERY STRAIGHT IF YOU ASK ME.

Also, while I now understand my attraction to men is because I was a queer trans dude the entire time, I used to think it was comphet. But everything I feel about men is different than the way Nancy feels about men. It feels forced, it feels like she thinks she HAS to have a boyfriend and HAS to force a real connection with them. COMP. MOTHERFUCKIN. HET.

In conclusion, for the love of god, let Nancy Wheeler kiss girls. Natalia wants it, the fans want it. Give us a SMOOCH.

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drew-dopamine · 9 months

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the more i learn about the barbie movie the less i want to see it……sorry 😢

#it just seems so radfem-y and as a despressed trans guy i do NOT need that in my life #also the way a lot of people talk about it….#drew posts #barbie 2023 #barbie #the barbie movie #barbheimer #Anti Barbie #Barbie critical #I guess

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katierosefun · 3 months

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my cancelled-able trait from the queer community would be that i really apparently love messy endings. i love u happy endings and i also love u such sad, messy, ambiguous endings . . . i love u endings where u have this weird pit in the bottom of your stomach because you know that there's love here but u have no idea what to do with it and u just have to deal with the fact that someone is profoundly affecting your life and you're not gonna get closure from it anytime soon . . . i love u queer love stories where it's really just "u don't always get to see the sunshine and rainbows at the end of it . . . sometimes all that's left is just one big question mark and the quiet hope that they get their shit together" . . .

#caroline talks #don't get me wrong. i love u happy endings. esp when it comes to queer love stories #but i also just. love endings where it's just like. well. u DON'T know for certain whether the characters #are truly going to ride off into the sunset together.#the only thing u know for certain is that they love each other and that they're going to have to grapple with that forever.#maybe it's also just bc like. idk. i took too many film classes and so my head's forever stuck #on this one essay about how some really happy endings feel lifeless.#like how in some ending shots. the characters look like they've had their happy ending. but there's also some weird unease and confusion #and it's like. well yeah. because for every happy moment u get in life. u are still already thinking 'well what's next. what now.'#which is fascinating to me. but also me @ me: god maybe u can just be happy and it's not that deep.#but also. i do love the wonderful ambiguity of just. 'there is so much more to live. so much more to do.'#and i guess it's not just for queer love stories. i think a lot about the ending of my mister.#with lee ji an and park dong hoon walking away from each other but they're happy. u have no idea how their relationship will pan out but u #do know that they love each other.#or like. columbus. with jin and casey. they hug each other and thank each other for being in the other's lives.#and jin says goodbye to casey and casey says goodbye to jin and u have no idea if they'll see each other again. but u know they love each #other so very much. even if they'd only known each other for a second.#or like. beginners. anna and oliver love each other so much and u get this sense that. they're still a little bit uneasy/nervous about how #the rest of their lives are going to go. but they'll try.#or. god. the swearing jar.#the last shot. i think about it a lot.#there is love!!! but u don't always know how the rest of it is going to pan out!!! u just know that it'll pan out somehow!

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hajihiko · 2 years

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every time I come across Content that isnt my own I get the thoughts and thinks. Too tired to do anything about it except this ig

#Coming to terms with the fact that I can share shitty dumb doodles and tag them even and it's not a crime #I'm not quite Ants In My Brain levels but the brains are scattered rn.#Anyway I love a relationship that is unlabeled and unknowable but gosh damn it is sincere and devoted #I was thinking of that 19 days bit. 'you're the strongest most badass little mo' or sth #ANYWAY! Not confident enough to tag this w my art tag so #Fuyuhiko kuzuryu #Hajime hinata #Kuzuhina #Attempting to go full ramble in the tags after the actual posting bc I just got shit to say I guess #Not valuable shit but shit nonetheless #They're good for each other they build each other up. Fuyuhiko was putting so much faith in Hajime from the get-go #Hajime is like dont give me too much credit no I dont wanna think about my talents. And Hiko is like nah man you're great (in his own way)#And Hajime encourages so much growth in Hiko which is WHY I think Hiko is so passionate in his loyalty #Hajime makes Fuyuhiko smile and laugh and reflect on his behaviour and talk about his experiences #They laugh TOGETHER in the middle of the killing game which is v sweet #Fuyuhiko is DESPERATE to prove that he's changed and that he wants to do good now and Hajime is just like 'okay you got it'#Like thassit. And then when they find out Hajime wasnt a talent student Fuyuhiko is like 'oh ok'#They accept each other very readily and they trust each other so much and idk maybe my brain is broken but #I FEEL like I feel a sincerity in their friendship #Like it's for life man they're already making plans for the future when they're friends (hiko especially)#Yeah I guess I'll save these tags. Idk I'm a little Ill of the Brain rn

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