How it's going
(before I get into it, a little TL;DR I wanted to make sure is visible from the top: if you're looking to apply for SSI and, like me, have no idea what you're doing and don't know where to start, look at Atticus.com . They're a legal firm/database that will screen you for eligibility and then match you with a law office/lawyer who will help you apply and get approved. There's no up front cost; the fee for legal services is 25% of your first benefit check only, IF you get approved. I know that seems like a lot, but it's because the first check usually includes backpay for application time and any amount of time you were eligible before you applied. I know it's overwhelming, and so do they; making your first steps with you and advising you the whole way is literally what these lawyers are there for, they're expecting you to feel a little lost. ❤️)
So not long ago, I found myself in one of the worst brain fog episodes I've ever had, almost in tears because I couldn't even muster enough neurotransmitters to START sitting up off my bed, let alone take the shower I needed (and I say "almost", because I couldn't muster the neurotransmitters to actually feel anything other than TV static 😭). By the next day, I had decided to make a change, dug up some tips from fellow neurodivergent folks online, and made a plan. Thus, things like the Task Menu and Random Encounter die were born. I want to take a minute to report on this process of basically relearning how to ACTUALLY function around my mental illnesses, instead of basing the structure of my whole life on the desperation of fitting in to society.
So far, things are going pretty well, everything considered. The strategies I'm developing are accomplishing what I designed them to accomplish; I've been getting up and more actively existing instead of being a rock, and for the most part, it's eased the terrible zombie feeling in my head. Some days are better than others, of course, but I went into that acknowledging that and ready to forgive myself if I need to rest or wander off course. after all, those things just happen; that is the very nature of the things physically and chemically wrong in my brain, and that's all there is to it. Things like keeping track of things I actually do during the day as well as what I expect to get done, or like adding up the number of those things and keeping track like a daily high score, help me to view this as a process of positive reaching rather than negative guilting. And honestly, I actually have been crossing a lot of real things I had piled up off the Megaboard. I feel good about this, and I'm making a very positive start on things.
Of course, there's always room for improvement, and this process has helped me identify where I need help more clearly. I've been able to identify that, even with this daily structure keeping me rolling, I don't seem to have the mental energy to do even simple errands a lot of the time, like making doctor's appointments, or doing house cleaning, or following up on problems. Even this info has been invaluable to me though; I was able to bring it up to my psychiatrist at our last visit, and to take a critical look for myself at how bad my disability REALLY is and whether or not I was actually managing as well as I thought for the last few years. Did I really benefit from the structure provided around full time work? What was motivating me to get through basic routine every day, and how was it impacting my mood? I find that in my natural state, I need gentle reminders to drift through things like hygiene and nutrition; looking back, I realize how the same routine things that make me feel better now we're actually detracting from my mood, because I had to force them to happen around work hours at times I wouldn't normally do them. I half-assed breakfast with a protein bar every day because I wasn't hungry in the morning, so food stopped making me happy and generating motivation. I would skip brushing teeth (either consciously or accidentally) in order to make a bus/train, and just do it in the bathroom at work with a little travel toothbrush five minutes before my shift. "Play" during my off hours became "doing absolutely nothing", because I was too miserable and exhausted to indulge in more stimulating hobbies. Basically what I noticed, is that I never actually had this type of mental energy in the first place— I was in a sort of debt to myself for spending spoons I didn't have.
Continuing to look at my disabilities and realistic expectations of myself, I've noticed that I honestly don't feel ready to return to work soon in any capacity, and I'm not sure if I ever will. I'd love to get back to the art business I was setting up a while ago and have some sense of purpose through that, but I just don't feel a connection to any sort of structured employment I qualify for. Having realized that, I finally took further steps toward SSI, and found a lead on legal services to help me apply. I now have a law firm filling out my app as I write and sending me paperwork to sign, and the whole thing is suddenly much more concrete and real.
That brings me to the last thing I wanted to ramble on a bit— life updates 😊 I just mentioned the lawyer I contacted about SSI, and my recent psych appointment. Things are going well, treatment-wise, and we're working on tweaking doses and refining what works. We added anti-anxiety meds now that we know how stimulants and Prozac are working out. I also feel comfortable talking to him about the SSI process, and that he's willing to support me on that as well. As for personal goals, I've been able to keep better track of things like feeding Blyth consistently, showing up to D&D on time, and getting errands done in a timely manor. Time management for games was a big one for me— over the past couple months, I've lost track and been late a lot, either because I hyperfixated on something and lost awareness of time, or because I lost awareness of days of the week, or because I had trouble taking D&D with friends out of the mental "later" category and putting it into the "now" one. I feel really good about being able to change that for my friends 😊
Today, I'm allowing myself a bit of a cheat day. There are some things I'll feel ready to do closer to evening, but for now, I'm just lazing around with Princess Mars. I spent the last couple days at a friend's place, which was fun and relaxing, but I still needed a quiet day to recharge my social battery and let my worked-out deep conversation muscle rest and unflex. I feel better so far. I'm proud of the start I've made ❤️
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as a kid that grew up rich, i'm so glad we have fabian to represent the weird feeling of having everything EXCEPT the thing you need - your parent's support.
mine was closer to adaine where my parents hated everything unique and genuinely cool about me, but i didn't get the benefit of leaving them (or them tossing me aside.) partly because i wasn't as courageous as adaine in defying my parents when they were being assholes. i was adaine if she actually bought into her parents' messaging that she inherently sucked and needed to conform to her parents' ideals.
but it was also combined with parents who will make sure you have everything bc it's part of their identity as New Money Parents that want to give everything to their kid so they can Show Their Friends how much money they have (and not to actually help or dote on their kid).
hey how about you give me a little attention and care, how about that?
hellariel does seem like she loves fabian, which makes me happy for him. he at least as that. and he has agency to do what he wants with his money.
isn't it weird to figure out how shitty your childhood was based on how much better the lives are of fictional kids whose lives were intentionally made to be shitty?
EDIT: damn this resonated with more folks than i'd guessed. fellow gilded cage kiddos unite <3 we'll get thru this life together, my loves.
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Elias Mannix is such a tragic character, when you think about it. He was doomed from the start. Either he accepts to go with the time loop and
a) has a shitty childhood (shitty to the point of not thinking anyone ever loved him and to the point of accepting to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of lives to feel that love he was promised)
b) has to go through with the killing of hundreds of thousands of people! And I know future!Elias doesn't really show any remorse about it, but it has to fuck up a person. Especially when his decision was made pretty spontaneously in the moment, without really thinking about the consequences (I personally think that he wouldn't have done it if he had taken the time to breath, calm down and think about it). And especially knowing most of these people didn't just die at the time of the explosion, but had to suffer a slow and painful death, that Elias probably heard about/saw pictures of on TV. We don't see him as a young adult, but those years must have been tough.
c) has to make sure his childhood is shitty so that he can keep existing, and become his own abuser!!
His only other option is to not do any of that, choose to not make the bomb explode, to do the right thing, and what does he get for that? Nothing! He stops existing!! And it's not just as if he dies, he will never have existed, no one will know he ever existed, no one will remember him! Can you imagine that??
His own life is dependant on a cycle of abuse and death he created himself and it's SO. SAD.
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I wish I could feel the magic of living again.
I just feel so ordinary these days and I don't know if it's just simply my fault for allowing myself to fall into this dark pit of living in my comfort bubble.
The problem is, I want to feel something again, that I miss. So I try to recreate the moment I felt it, and it never works, because moments never hit as hard as the first time you experience them.
I guess I need to go out of my shell and allow myself to experience new moments. Which is scary. It opens up the possibility to get hurt. To feel worse than before. And I really don't know how to overcome that fear inside of me.
But I'm desperate to feel the magic again.
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Sometimes selfcare is drawing your OC getting hugged
Anxiety is going through the roof right now as I try to get a job. A lot is going to on with part time work over the half term, meeting up with co-workers at a potential new job, making art for a display, meeting up for a large group project outside of art ontop of trying to see my counsellor, and all of this is JUST within the next three days
The feeling of being burnt-out and disappointed in my art and stories is just the cherry on top of the stress sundae that has become my life as of late. So this evening I decided to just do something comforting with Liv
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I saw a twitter thread that was giving reasons for Nancy Wheeler being a lesbian and I gotta say, I agree. At least that Nancy is NOT straight. The way she interacts with Barb….dude, do you know how many of the stairs conversations (from season one before Barb disappears) I’ve had with friends who were secretly seeing me??? The whole “this isn’t you” after Nancy lies about where she’s going and the way she reacts with her facial expressions…..bro, they’ve kissed before. This has been said a million times here and otherwise since season one.
But with the level of grief and guilt she goes through in season two, I’m seeing that right now in myself as someone who just had one of their best friends pass away suddenly who was also an ex. The whole “bullshit” Stancy Halloween fight could be chalked up to grief and liking Jonathan sure, but I think it’s way more than that. I think she’s calling everything bullshit including herself because she lost the one person who saw her, someone she loved more than just platonically.
Then season three is mostly just her fighting with Jonathan if you really think about it, because she wants to be more than just a sandwich girl at Hawkins Post. Someone Barb would be proud of. We only see her really happy with Jonathan in season three when they wake up late and she sneaks out and the soft moment they have at the end when he’s leaving. Other than that they’re either fighting with each other or fighting monsters. Robin calls her a “priss,” but before Steve she was just kind of a…nerd. Like Robin. Maybe they ran in the same circles? We know they don’t know each other in person, at least Nancy doesn’t know HER.
FOLLOW ME HERE: What if Robin knew Barb?? What if Barb confided in her that she had feelings for Nancy, but that Nancy was dating Steve and we know how hard Robin goes for her friends so she just made this assumption that Nancy is a priss????
Then season four of course, we see Nancy not going to California. She’s frustrated that Jonathan wouldn’t be coming and she stayed for the basketball game for her front page news right?? Why didn’t she take another flight hmmm??? And we think she’s jealous of Robin, but what if she was jealous of Steve??? Because we don’t really have indication that Steve and Nancy have spent much time around each other since summer ‘85…but Robin and Nancy go to school together. Robin is in band which means they’re in the same room *hypothetically* for the important games that Nancy needs to document. We don’t know how many games Steve went to besides the one, he could’ve been working on some of those games or on dates. So ipso facto, Robin and Nancy have (probably) been in the same room more than Steve and Nancy….why would she suddenly be jealous of ROBIN???
And you can see her genuinely enjoying being around Robin after her monologue at the psych ward when she was being “annoyed” and “on edge” with her before that. I don’t see that as “oh well she started considering her a friend” I think she had a crush, she was on edge because she had lost Barb and didn’t want to feel that way about another girl. But the monologue relaxes her because she realized Robin is just as unhinged as she is, but in a different way. Because Nancy Wheeler is IMPULSIVE. She’s smarter than hell, but she is so careless with her own safety.
Also every time the Bylers shippers contrast the Wheeler siblings really they’re just giving us Nancy Wheeler is gay proof too. Because look at their similar behaviors. They fight and bicker in a way that says “i know what you are, NO I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE”
NOT VERY STRAIGHT IF YOU ASK ME.
Also, while I now understand my attraction to men is because I was a queer trans dude the entire time, I used to think it was comphet. But everything I feel about men is different than the way Nancy feels about men. It feels forced, it feels like she thinks she HAS to have a boyfriend and HAS to force a real connection with them. COMP. MOTHERFUCKIN. HET.
In conclusion, for the love of god, let Nancy Wheeler kiss girls. Natalia wants it, the fans want it. Give us a SMOOCH.
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