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thestudyfeels · 5 years

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How To NOT Be Depressed.

(Or If You Prefer — How to Be Substantially Happy About Life.)

WARNING: This is one rollercoaster ride of a post. Proceed with extreme caution. For some, the staggering levels of insight may induce true purpose and re-establish their warrior spirit. For others, side effects may include grammatically incorrect hate or aloof eyerolls. We advise exiting if the said group includes you, for we're very tired of cleaning vomit off the seats.

Step aboard at your own risk.

If you’re one of the brave souls who stayed back to join us, I congratulate you for even I am scared of how crazy this post truly is. Alrighty then, kick back and relax folks, today we’re having a mature, adult conversation. Merely another cheery afternoon spent talking about life and its realities. Not too bad, eh?

Before we begin, spoiler alert! For those of you already turned off by the mention of 'depression’ and packing their bunnies to leave, sit tight. This ISN'T really about depression. This is about HAPPINESS. No clickbait. That got your attention, right butterfly? Nice, now stay.

A welcoming, maybe demanding A/N: Do me a favor and read this in one go. Maybe even plug in those headphones and listen to the songs dedicated to each part as you read. It's long, you have the new Riverdale episode to catch up on, but don't hop away just yet because (I had a couple moments writing this, alright) it's life changing. You'll prolly cry a few tears of realization, nod all nod-able body parts in agreement, beat your chest at random instants 'cause the hype’s too real, and perhaps, if it isn’t too much to hope for, finally go change your life for the better. In case you've forgotten, this'll remind you that there’s always hope, that you're a born conqueror, and you were made to THRIVE, not survive. Convinced? Kay, roll the cams.

To clarify first-hand, no, I'm not depressed although I’ve experienced mild depression for a period before. Glad to say I'm out of it but I still struggle with tackling what I'm about to detail next.

Insert bitter voice, it’s this: My life is nowhere near I want it to be. Though I know vaguely what I wanna do, I haven't yet figured out how the hell I’m supposed to get there, or how my dream life is to be sketched out. It’s all a blurry mess. Which, to put it bluntly, hurts. I HATE feeling powerless and worthless, roaming about aimlessly.

There are many such moments where I hit the brakes to wonder why I’m not living THE Life already. There have been several times when I curl up and cry a frickin’ Amazon. There are horrible nights where I'm shaking with emotions, but they won't release, leaving me choked. (…not in that way, you hoes. Um, just ruined the dramatic mood with a lame dirty joke, sorry.)

They say talking helps and that's why I figured I'd drop in. But perhaps more importantly, I wanted to hang because no matter how unfocused the lens may seem at my future, I don't consider myself a dopey loser incapable of the crazy dreams or wild bucket lists I fantasize about– and I thought I'd skip along to remind you that neither should you. (Or maybe I just came to sniff the new appetizers, who knows?)

PS: I also broke a sweat listing six ways to get outta depression– alternatively, to be more of a conqueror– because y'all are always pestering me with asks that go “how do I conquer omg send supplies” (Like, imagine a conqueror saying that! Oh, the crime, the atrocity!)

So yes, you're welcome. Have a feast with this litness.

The main reason behind people being so frightfully sad, I’ve found, is a huge lack of fulfillment. We don't do what we love, for either— [ 1 ] we aren’t living life the way we want to (since we keep doing things we feel we're supposed to do) OR [ 2 ] because Mama, Papa and Mrs. Carter next door feel that struggling is the only way, and project their traditional beliefs onto us. Either way, whether or not we consciously realize this, subconsciously, we're all hurting because of it. Badly.

That lingering feeling of emptiness never seems to leave. You feel drained every night when you drop into bed, not because you gave it your all, but because you couldn't. And so, we do the next best thing. Drugs. Maybe not literally, but figuratively. We numb out this subconscious pain by binge watching Netflix shows. We deaden ourselves to that discomfort by reading smut in the bathroom or by playing dumb video games all day. We try (and fail) to extinguish this feeling of not ‘being enough’ by having silly flings or fake friendships.

And ultimately, we NUMB ourselves out to LIFE for we can't bear to live the way we're living. There's a reason why “How to Stop Procrastinating” posts are so popular (they’re a blogger’s most foolproof way of paying the month’s rent, and yes, even I'm guilty of a couple). We’re constantly having FOMO and tuning into others' highlights on social media– completely missing out on our own lives in the process. We fail to realize that the culprit is lack of genuine purpose more than zero self-control (or maybe it’s both, but that’s a tale for another day).

[On a side note, obviously I did generalize a bit– video games can be a passion for you, watching shows a way of winding down. But for most, they’re only DISTRACTIONS, just another way of ignoring the calls of life by hanging up the phone.]

And here's the bitter truth about depression: The longer you wait to start living authentically, the more you start tuning out the inner cries wanting change, the faster your dreams start to ebb away, and the more you'll want to become insignificant. And to me, that's the scariest part of this journey to my dream life.

Nothing frightens me more than knowing that the moment I stop pushing, the very moment I give in to distractions and fears, my goals will stop manifesting themselves and I'll be stuck in this small town with its small people eternally. And THAT, I'm certain, won't be any more fun than working your way through a soggy ham sandwich, ironic as soggy is what life has become. (Yes, I have a thing against soggy sandwiches. They were a kid's worst lunch nightmare.)

If you relate, and I’m sure you do (it’s probably why you stopped scrolling through cheesy fanfic for ten minutes to read this, I know you amigo) — here are six ways to NOT be depressed. Or more accurately, to gift wrap yourself some sweet ol’ happiness.

You're a Samurai and the Following Be Your Katanas —

Hol’ up. The second you reach the End Card, I want you to drop your Cheerios and implement at least THREE of these six strategies. Just follow the Takeaways, I've made this really simple. And as a rule, one of them has to be this one. (Look, don't whine. If you wanna climb outta that dark hole, you gotta put in some effort. So pop that booty, and let’s get down to business!)

Here’s the most truthful, though cheesy thing I’ll ever say: I would be nowhere I am today without this blog. If not for it, I would most likely be weeping in a dug-out hole somewhere, drowning in my salty little pond of tears and chiming every loser’s favorite words (“there's no point”). Creating this blog gave me a definite purpose – putting out fiery content, dipping myself deep into my newly found passion for writing and influencing, and connecting with other conquerors on the platform.

I meet a lot of folks, whether at Sad School, Mouldy Mall, or Boring Bus stop, who always seem to be in a state of death-inducing boredom. When asked about their favorite thing to do, they’ll mumble “sleep” or “food” like Siri narrating your cat’s evening routine. And then you see adults, dragging through life mindlessly. Utterly clueless, floating like a piece of driftwood in an ocean bubbling with life. My sympathy quota gets overdosed everytime I think about it.

To spell it out, find something to do. Anything! Learn a language, try some ballet, take pictures of your neighbor's rose garden, make an art piece and show it to your mom, stitch buttons onto shirts for fun, heck, make an entire shirt out of buttons, take a break from reading smut to write your own, frutify your farts, WHATEVER, just get up and move.

And here’s why – nay, not to keep you engaged or make you feel less worthless, not that bullcrap. It’s to put in gear the journey of figuring out what is the shite that you love doing. Too often we get stuck thinking about what our oh-so-great passion is. Get this, passion is energy. A spark for something. A magical fortune cookie which, when cracked, seems to explain everything, gives you the very reason for being alive. You can only feel that fire, that wild love, when you actually do it. So get cracking is all I’ll say!

Takeaway:

Attempt something. Nah, scratch that, imagine you’re in a sweet shop with shelves lined with free samples and try everything. Pick up that Polaroid cam, take that dreaded history course, buy that children’s cooking kit– in short, start working. Pull out all the stops, get curious, and get creative. In the process, if you promise to try hard enough, you WILL (money back guarantee) find out what makes your little heart burst with mad happiness and would willingly do for free, if needed, because you really are that crazy about it. And that, my dear, will be your oh-so-great-indeed passion. Have no doubt, you’ll never be “bored” again.

Real talk, having a dream is a big deal. And unfortunately, I’ve witnessed, rarely anyone has one to begin with. They’re either more dead than the cheap skeleton I bought for Halloween or believe they have a dream, but in reality, it belongs to mom, dad, or Uncle Sammy. Listen, doing something for someone you love (my Uncle Sammy used to supply me with cold cash whenever he came around, loved that guy) is great! YET, if you’re willing to throw away your life to fulfill others’ expectations, convincing yourself it's because they love you, even when YOUR lonely heart craves bigger things than just a marketing job, then you, my friend? Are the biggest fool. Don’t get offended, we both know it, this girl needn't ramble.

Recently, my relatives were over (nope, sadly not Uncle Sammy) and my cousin and I had a chat about life (correct, I grab every opportunity to do so). It wasn't very exciting I must say, he kept staring off into the distance (I wonder why), but what he SAID is what I'll talk about. After I’d gushed about my dreams, he asked skeptically if being an influencer would still be an ambition two years from now when I graduate. I raised my eyebrows, mock hurt, like eff you son, I ain’t giving up on my dreams! But that question got me thinking.

Life is wild. Unpredictable. An unexpected call, a single person, a random BLOG POST (cough) – can turn your life upside down, sometimes in the affirmative, other times not. This variability of life isn’t uncommon, and everyone experiences some part of it– unpaid student loans, failing startups, talent and art going unnoticed in industries dominated by wealth and connections, you name it. If all of that doesn’t make you run for the Himalayas and abandon any dreams, throw in a quick side dish of dysfunctionale famiglia with a sprinkle of self-image issues.

It ain’t easy, darling. The world is one cruel headmistress; it loves slapping awake the daydreamers and wishful thinkers. That hasn't ever actually stopped the dropouts and class clowns from building castles in the air though. And the common blueprint you notice they follow? Let me introduce you to… Madness. Obsession. Maniacal obsession, to say. (Yes, I'm done playing with my words.)

I struggled writing this point. A pestering voice in my head kept mumbling – They'll go back to doing the same sad shit anyway. Um, does anyone even read your posts? Lol, call yourself an influencer, hun. Hesitation started creeping in. Then the irony of the situation struck me. I laughed, shook my head and got back to typing.

We ran out of juicy gossip weeks ago, so here’s your tea served cold: insecurities and self doubt WILL get in the way. That whiny voice was just a mild version of what you face when you go all in. Fear traps you in its cage, and those who prattled behind your back now progress to talking shit in your face. Criticism and self doubt resurfaces, so unless your defenses are strong, you'll be crushed. Destroyed REAL quick.

When hell breaks loose (oh honey, and it WILL), your self defense comprising of maniacal obsession must be well learnt. Let them attack, mock, heck, drag you away from the desk and hurl you at the top of a damn mountain, but you better STILL hike back down, show them the middle finger, and continue working. That's how bulletproof you've gotta be. That's how madly do you have to love your dreams. And if you really think this will be a cake walk or want to continue complaining about Stuart being born with a silver spoon, hop off the train already. Your destination isn't on the tour list.

Look, my dreams terrify me. But they certainly make me feel more alive than complying with what every parent said about getting good grades and holding together a roof on my head. My ambitions set me free, give me a reason to fucking live. And yet, every now and then, something makes me question them. A fear engulfs me, some doubter proclaims I suck, someone I love is so blinded they can't see my vision. And that's okay. My defenses are way stronger. The next day rolls round, and you'll find me hustling again, thriving again. All because I know that even if no one reads my posts (the worst case scenario, I know y'all love me lol), someday in the future, someone will. I know that even if I’m not an influencer yet, if just one reader becomes a conqueror because of my words, it would be a win. A big win. I'd have done my job. All because I’m wildly, yes maniacally, obsessed with my dreams.

So hey, cousin? This influencer thing? This will be my dream long after I've graduated. Till the day I die, and maybe even then I'll rise from my grave to give a dead pal a lively pep talk. My watchtower has just been upgraded, so thank u, next.

Takeaway:

“General, we've arrived!” Finally! Position those cannons, Martha, let’s talk them through the defenses. All aboard? AHOY MATEY! (wait, that was one for the pirates). Step one, dare to create a dream in your mind’s eye. The bigger, the crazier, and the scarier, the better. Doesn’t matter how impossible it is, don’t care how many voice their opinion against it, just imagine, keep a million possibilities in mind.

Once you see the life you truly want (you’ll know, everything will seem to zing)— have a sip. Become OBSESSED for that life. Thirst after that vision, itch to manifest it, and pine for the satisfaction that’ll come to your soul once it’s made a reality. Fall madly in love with the process and how magical it feel when you do it. And THEN, bellow a loud war cry and charge headfirst into battle, shields held high at all the criticisms. We conquerors never cared much for them anyway.

(play ♬) Picture this: forehead stamped with beads of sweat. Calloused hands working their fingers to the bone and eyebrows furrowed in deep concentration. Conjure an image where powerful beats are pulsing hard in your ears, synced with your own elevated heartbeats, and you’re thriving. Performing. Winning. Guess the secret to that? Preparation. Champions prepare. You can’t throw anything to the winds or rely on ‘luck’ or chance to conquer.

Tough days are in everyone’s calendar, be it your extra cheerful neighbor, Sally, or lone wolf classmate, Derrick. We’ve all found ourselves sulking over an awful situation, scooping into mint ice cream to forget mistakes, errands, and ghosting exes. Yet guess what? The solution isn’t the proclaimed “be positive!” or “It all happens for a reason, don’t you worry” - the key is coming up with a method to dodge the discouraging effect these hiccups have on us.

So every bad day, I bring out a mason jar containing a knot of chits and one secret letter which is, on most days, kept hidden on the top shelf of my cupboard. I make myself comfortable on the bed, read all my bits of paper carefully, including the letter addressed to yours truly, close my eyes, and mentally fight back whatever’s bringing me down.

A short while later, I get up, now a warrior, and go slay the rest of the day like it was my last one on this planet. That jar is my jar. A Conqueror’s jar. One look at those powerful reminders, and I’m grounded once again, the beast within me now unleashed to kill.

Takeaway:

Honey, go get yourself a jar. Along with some papyrus and ink. Then start jotting down. Document past victories, future visions, fears that mean zilch to the person you’re about to become, batty goals you’ve still gotta chase, reminders that the majority will never understand what it is you’re tryna do here, and how that’s perfectly alright 'cause you'll find your conquerors, your squad one day. Create your victory jar. And then go knock ‘em down dead. Bad days stand no chance against you. You’re a winner, a fucking rebel. Go take what’s yours.

Y’know, I’m perfectly aware that many muggles reading this will whine that dealing with depression ain’t no piece o’ pie and it’s hella hard to get up and take the crown when you feel like a pile of dino dung.

Stop it. Get some help. (See what I did? Like Michael- ok ok, calm thyself.) For real though, and I’m tired of repeating this with my kitten stamped microphone (but I’ll keep at it ‘cause it’s that significant) – whining is WORTHLESS. It saps up precious energy that could be used to make life a scrumptious smoothie. (Loothie? As in life + smoothie? Right, yes, I’m shutting up.)

And even THEN, we find denizens complaining about slow WiFis and thin crust pizzas and how the market’s down and the government’s incompetent. Because blabbering makes us feel important. Heard. But keeping yo’ trap shut and actually doing stuff? Hustling for your dreams when nobody’s watching? Actually walking the talk? C’mon, Emma, don't be naive, ain’t nobody getting recognition for that.

Trust me, I get it. The world is yet to become a feminist, turns out your boyfriend was cheating on you while you were looking up wedding dresses, mommy’s a drunk loser, and idiots are being voted into office. It’s a lot to handle. But thanks to our immense and ever increasing population (we folks really love our rumpy pumpy, can you tell) — there will surely be one chum, facing exactly the same misfortunes as you, but still turning up at every party and bulk-spamming his friends with puppy pictures while you sit and wail. (One Moaning Myrtle is enough, thank you very much.)

Look, I’m not undermining your worries or obstacles. I’m only reminding that you have the marvelous choice of positivity. To CHOOSE hope and a better future when others won't. To FIND (and it's always possible) something to look forward to even when the to-do’s a big snore. To KNOW, deep inside, that you're a magnificent conqueror, no matter what mess you’re in at the moment, and that the world dances to your rhythm. Realise that it's up to you to let yourself be happy. At any moment, you have the very say-so to get up and start rocking. Dumbledore said it himself, “It is our choices, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” So choose better, and you’ll unconsciously do better as well. And yes, that being said, this is the last HP reference, don't fret. Be positive instead. (Edit: Ha, look at these quips, the girl's all grown up now.)

Takeaway:

Your new occupation is to be a sunflower. If you think back, you'll probably recall Miss Honey rattling on about phototropic movement in AP biology. No? Me neither. Point is, sunflowers always face the sun. Put them ANYWHERE, hide them in the dungeons, throw them in a trash bag and shoot it off to the moon, they’ll still turn around and face the sun. No matter what. And taking inspo from that, you too can stop scripting creative soliloquies for being depressed. Happiness is YOUR right, YOUR priority, don't let anyone take it away from you or diminish its importance. DON’T let sadness ruin your vibe, do what you've gotta do to protect yourself. Track happiness in yo’ journal, set 84 reminders on your phone, and tattoo “Long as you’re beaming up at the sun, all the shadows will be left behind” on your boobs. Do whatever, just don’t turn the corners of your mouth down. You’re so pretty this way.

The other day, I was doing the deathly Plié Alternative Heel Lifts (these names, I swear) and my legs felt dead. Gone. Put to sleep like the Wicked Witch of the East. Now obviously, the timer wasn’t not even halfway done yet, but my cheeks were already flushing red like dear Santa, and NOT because I was high on choco chip cookies. I sighed, and at that point, I was so over giving up. All this while, I’d been whining and protesting because my muscles felt sore, but in that moment, I made up my mind. I bit my lip and kept going. On and on. Keep pulsing, you got it, don't stop, was the mantra I kept chanting.

Won’t sugarcoat it, I honestly hadn’t died this much since that time Miss Honey buried me alive with trig assignments. My legs were now basically Play-doh and I was shaking, fighting for balance. A few seconds in though, something crazy happened. My legs went numb. My grumbling mind quietened and the pain vanished. That evening, I had the upper hand, not my physical perceptions of myself. I was powerful. Flawless. (Hey Santa, do you even lift bro?) Real talk, I was in the Zone, bitches.

I’m not sure if that was the result of excessive pain or because Wonder Woman’s spirit possessed ma bod, but staying loyal to my love for metaphors, I’ll use the experience to explain what I’m tryna get at here.

Look, here’s the real deal — if all of the greats gave up the second things got frowny, we probably would have no one to worship. Nix role models, nix inspirations, none to stalk on Insta - we’d all be bumbling about like Sad from the even sadder Emoji movie (no shade, emojis be lit).

And that'd be very sad (pun definitely intended). Hence, cue some tangible ways to boosting your grit, so that you can be your own superhero:

1) Get yo’self a goddamn motto,

2) Know your “Why,”

3) Repeat the cycle till it’s in your blood. Btw, Shawn, if you here, I’m still a single pringl—HEY PAL I SEE YOU, DON'T SCROLL.

Seriously, don't brush these prime steps aside. We're always going for the advanced modes, and deeming these basic levels a waste of time. Well guess what, compadre, YOUR LIFE IS A GODDAMN WASTE O’ TIME IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR BASICS RIGHT. Excuse my outburst, but listen. You can’t do a hundred bicep curls on your first workout if you haven't lifted anything more than a crisps packet. Likewise, if you simply jump into Life one day, and decide “ok, here it is, 12 habits to build, sleep schedule to fix, man to ask out, let's go,” you ain't getting nowhere, chum. Start small. Take baby steps. It's clearly not as fun (definitely negates the bragging on Facebook part of it) but it'll stick. You’ll create a consistency that not even Grandma's cake batter can achieve.

1. Talking mottos — For context, a motto that I always mutter (my mom thinks I'm cursing, oh what a bad child) every time I spill milk while making coffee is “Do more. Give more. BE more.” Not only does it help me stay right on track for the rest of the day but it helps me clean up my mess, figuratively and otherwise, or I’d just be sitting in a puddle of spilt milk, cursing adulting for real this time and with more laundry to do.

2. Why you need the Big Why — Owning up, I’m guilty of attempting to learn Welsh for less than 48 hours because I hadn't a single reason to speak the language. A similar thing happened with half of my 2018 resolutions, which had a bunch of rubbish like “Floss daily”, something my eyes got trained to skip because, um, who the hell flosses every day?

Lame humor aside, I still workout almost daily because I have my Why straight. 1) I want to feel good about my body and get closer to the confident badass I envision my future self to be, 2) I simply HAVE to sustain my health to live to build my legacy and fulfill my dreams of opening a bakery at 90 and 3) Because I’m an influencer, and want to walk my talk and be the inspiration people need. Those are the reasons as to why I turn up to my yoga mat everyday, shut my jabbering mind, and keep on pulsing. This “Why” strategy applies to everything. Wanna get outta depression? Why? Wanna lose 20 pounds? Why? Wanna listen to your dentist’s desperate pleadings and floss already? WHY EH? Unless you know your intentions, you’ll give up at the first chance you get to not act on your goals. And watch out, because there'll be a LOT of those.

For me, leaving a legacy behind means more than having a slice of cake or missing a workout because there’s a fun movie playing. Find what's important to YOU, make it your why, and go marry your goals.

3. And then, Repeat — Bear in mind, if you're not living your best life yet, there are NO weekends. NO work-shy days. No weak days, no pick-me-up days, no eat-candy-do-nothing days. Everyday is a damn Monday. EVERYDAY is life or death. Every holy day you wake up is a chance to push your limits, challenge your mindset, and see how far you can go. And every 24 hours, when the cycle starts again, it’s your mission to race to build a stronger, wiser and crazier you.

And who knows, perhaps one day, you and I will just be casually sipping tea in our dream home, laughing at how the milk is still being spilt but knowing, proudly, fiercely, that we’ve come so far, even though there’s still more left to do, more to give and so much more to be.

Takeaway:

Quit quitting. You're, guaranteed, 20x stronger than you think. I doubted I could go through with the workout, it seemed beyond my present physical capabilities. But I did, because I treated it as life or death. Understand this, the second you start making excuses, for being depressed, for taking an unnecessary day off - you give away your power. You are a very powerful being. You're limitless, capable of everything.

I'm not throwing these words around to make you feel cute, I actually mean AND believe them. There’s so much that's been done already— the iconic four minute mile by Roger Bannister, invention of the light bulb, cars, toothpaste and other junk, people who lost both legs and climbed Mt. Everest, we sent a man to moon in frickin’ 1969 (50 YEARS ago), some ran a 26 mile marathon with zero training, love and hope is still strong in this world, oh let's also add coffee and motivational music— and YOU think you can't finish a workout or get outta depression or meet your idols or marry the man of your dreams or become the artist you wanna be? Ridiculous. Don't give away your power that easily, this ain't no charity shop.

(play ♬) Having personally dealt with unwelcome yet familiar feelings of emptiness quite often, I’ve now reached a point where each bad day is simply a reminder of how long my journey ahead is, and just how badly I want to reach my destination.

We finally near the end of this novel of a post (thanks for sticking around, bud), and my best advice would be this: Rather than wallowing in self pity and throwing one-man parties because your life is so awfully dreadful, know that even when life throws you to the floor, long as you can look up, long as you can read an entire book about defeating depression (cough)– you can GET UP too. Let those emotions of sorrow and frustration blaze up into a roaring, crackling fire that doesn’t consume you, but instead, urges you, fuels you.

Lately, no matter how much shit I go through, how many arguments I tumble into, or how barren my dreams look sometimes, I don’t break down. And no, it wasn't always like this. I never even had aspirations to name two years ago. Six months back, it had become a night routine to cry. Not anymore.

Now, every setback and every failure only pushes me to be stronger and give more than I ever gave. The day I made the decision to Conquer (truly, madly, deeply, with all of my heart) was also the day I said a big, loud ‘fuck you’ to every resistance that was to cross my path. I had finally understood that life was nothing but a battle of WILLS, that it was all in or nothing, and I made up my mind once and for all to NEVER give in to depression, or to society, or to anyone who tells me I cannot make it.

I had conquered depression. There was no looking back now.

Takeaway:

Here’s something no one will tell you: the key to bringing depression to its knees is seeing it positively. Pretend that it's a friend continuously sending strong, aggressive signals urging you to be happy. And what do you do when a caring friend throws some holy light? You listen, push past your ego, and follow accordingly.

And if that parallel seems unconvincing, here's another one (sup, DJ Khaled. This post is turning musical, sorry): it's scared of you. Depression is scared shit of you. Y'know how bullies are, right? Majorly insecure, self-loathing too perhaps, hardly fans of self love, and always trying to numb all that subconscious pain by inflicting pain on others. Depression has the same instruction manual. Your fears and doubts are your (pathetic) bullies, and depression is the big ol’ crony who does the dirty work for 'em.

Whenever you decide shit this is it, I'm going for it, they go paranoid and try stopping you because they've seen no better. And if they succeed, BOOM, you're depressed, paralyzed, your qualms reigning over you again. Don't let them in. I'll say it a thousand times if I gotta because I want (HAVE) to see you conquer – you're so much stronger than you think you are. You can do so much more than you think. It's all in your head! Don't just sit there, click away, and go back to living a sad life. You’re better than that. DO better than that. You’re meant to freaking CONQUER, straight-up dominate, my pal. Pay heed to that voice craving freedom. You got this. And you better know it.

One thing’s fixed like the (beloved by all) proportionality constants in Physics, you will come across depressing mornings and sluggish evenings even in the future. I assure you. Lots o’ bad hair days in the calendar, sis. But here's what you’ll do: you'll deactivate the miserable thoughts, keep a cool head, remind yourself that this is yet another test (better, rap your new mantra) and USE that hurt, pain, and anger to create a fervor and passion that wreaks havoc on its obstacles and drives you to accomplish EVERYTHING you've ever wanted to do. The easy choice would be to just give up, bellyache about the situation, and want sympathy for your worries. Yet, what you'll never do is… exactly that.

Rule 1) NEVER give up. Stand your ground. Have faith in your strength. Know that you'll have your way soon enough anyway. Rule 2) NEVER complain. All it does is drain your energy, that precious fire you could to high jump your way into the clouds. Makes you a pathetic wimp too, definitely not something you want on a warrior’s resume. Lastly, Rule 3) NEVER seek validation. From anyone. It sure feels nice to be acknowledged and encouraged, but grasp this— this is your journey. YOUR life and YOUR vision. Validation won't get you anywhere, for there'll never be enough of it.

Cuz Marty, if you're tryna bring something new, different, and authentic into this world – you'll most likely be hated on badly, before you'll be loved madly (hi, me a rapper). Learn to invite hate instead—IMPORTANT: hate from others, not yourself. Sounds counterintuitive, but this is the real tea: hate is good. It means you're standing up for something, refusing to fit like a puzzle piece in society, and being UNAPOLOGETICALLY yourself. And it’s certainly a sign that you’re on the right path if you can ignore that hate and stick your tongue out at it.

Yet another reason to never seek validation is simply this: you have to fight for yourself. In order to meet your own expectations, reach the doorstep of the best version of you, and transform this world, you'll have to go wildly IN. Toil and hammer away. Shut out all the haters and non-believers, listening only to your gut. Importantly, learn to accept the rejection slips, validating yourself not with what Molly says about it being okay, but with the reminder that your time is coming soon. Depend on yourself. Validation will NEVER be enough.

I get it, it's a lot of homework, but perhaps you already realize that it’s THIS work that'll change your life forever. Not “how to not procrastinate, Jesus take the wheel” or “HELLO, life's a mess so here are ten things to do (you won't believe number four!)”. Clickbaits don't work, stop believing that a fancy planner is going to be your savior. There is no rule to making your life a masterpiece. You'll have to get to know yourself and your dreams (journaling, meditation, silent pondering), build the work ethics and the mentality needed (lots of work in this one, yet no strict framework to go about it) and GET GOING.

AND with that firework, I'll begin to slip away now. Again, I won’t say it’s easy, that’s cock and bull. Life’s no fairytale. You will never feel ready to start bringing your dreams to fruition. But, my darling (I’m being so nice yo, follow me), you must. You must force yourself to work for the future you want till it becomes a habit, an obsession. The world badly needs heroes; confident people who can stand for themselves so that others can stare at first, maybe even hate a little, but then follow because they seem unstoppable and are, truthfully, having the most fun at life. YOU'RE one of them. No validation, just plain facts.

You see, conquering is a LOT of blood and sweat (K-pop, anyone? BTS? Lmao, this is me tryna clickbait y'all to read). Even getting up will seem huge when you're just starting out, and this is one long road, dear pal. Still then, I have enough faith in you to hope you don't give into your fears, I hope you willingly chase discomfort, and I hope you find the courage to do all that you want to do, while that heart's still beating.

I hope you conquer. I'll do too, and I'd really like to see some familiar faces during the ride.

Peace, amigo.

A loud ass A/N: And now, we come the most important part of this post. WAKE UP Luke, stop snoring, and take some notes. Remember kids, I won't accept anything but an A.

If you couldn’t identify yourself throughout this post and currently are scoffing like um woman, that's not really why I'm depressed, hang in there a sec. Yes, you can stop singing It Ain’t Me now. You've a very nice voice by the way.

I'm not a doctor, and I don't have enough exposure to know why so many earthlings are depressed today. HOWEVER, by talking to many, following their stories, watching and reading stuff – I do know with firm conviction that a majority suffers from severe unfulfillment. Don't believe me? A study shows 85% of the working class worldwide hate their jobs. Do you realize what that actually means? EIGHTY-FIVE PERCENT of the THREE BILLION PEOPLE employed today, hate being employed in the first place! They do it for prime survival, to sustain themselves. And that's just jobs. I won't scare you, but 50% (yes, HALF, you heard that right) of students HATE going to school. Kids waste SEVEN hours of their life every day going somewhere they dislike, doing something they hate. Who's singing now?

People find themselves trapped in golden handcuffs, taking the paycheck despite the passionless job. They push aside the art and business they love, to become a slave of good ol’ cash. Several surround themselves with negativity and get frustrated when unable to escape the choking (no, not THAT kind again, hello someone pour holy water over this post) atmosphere. An innumerable are forced into taking up courses that they don't care about under parental pressure. The reasons are endless, and I don't think I'll amuse myself listing all the sad excuses.

This has always been the story. Hundreds of influencers have preached the same words I’m tryna put into your head here and you’ll yourself say you’ve heard this a million times. YET, you’re dissatisfied. YET, you feel like crap everyday, feeding yourself the same lie that the next day will be better, that you’ll get up tomorrow– while you let life beat the shit out of you.

That’s why, all of my words, everything you’ve read today - all of that boils down to just one single question. A difficult but necessary choice. Will you let this happen to YOU? Will you, seriously, even after this wild ride together, go back to doing nothing and being nothing? Will you, for real, continue deceiving yourself, sacrifice your happiness for the sake of pleasing everyone else, and remain a statistic on a website?

(play ♬) If you’re not sure of your answer, read: Look, making you feel guilty is not my intention, because that’s not how this works. I need you to understand instead. Guilt wears off, it’s only understanding that brings about change. So, just for old times’ sake, I’ll rant a bit more (ik, just can’t seem to leave y’all).

You’re so, so young right now. More than half of your life is yet to be experienced. None of this probably makes much impact right now but it will the day you die. Remember, on your deathbed, you won't EVER look back and say, “Damn, wish I'd spent more time at the office. Saved up just one more dollar. Could’ve got that promotion before Amy.” Nay, it won’t even be on the calendar. That day, one foot in the grave, you'll reflect and wonder why the heck you didn’t let yourself be happier. Why you took up that lacklustre, soul-sucking architect job when all you've ever wanted to do is keep laughing. Why you didn't ask your crush out, why you were so afraid to walk up to that audition, because dammit, you could’ve been running your own comedy show by now. Why you dragged around a karaoke machine all this time instead of singing your own song. Why you couldn’t love yourself. Why you submitted. Why.

And the moment you realize that you hadn't lived a life for you, you’ll be crushed. Broken. The arthritis in your grannie joints won't even compare and neither will the mild dissatisfaction you’re feeling right now. Those whys will haunt you, they'll terrorize you, break you. It'll hurt tremendously to know that there isn't a single thing in your long life that you could call completely your own.

With every death today so many dreams are left unachieved, crazy things left unchecked on the bucket list, and unique potential left unexpressed.

DON'T let that be you. Please. I'm still a mess myself, struggling to reach class on time and studying subjects that aren't exactly fun, when all I want to do is create content (read: fireworks) that is at a level of insanity, influence folks to do better, hold crazy world tours and meet-and-greets to give hugs, and get an adorable puppy so I can create a dogstagram (yes, I'm that mom). Sure, I could declare it's too hard, hang onto small-minded and negative people who whine endlessly, and follow the crowd, getting lost in it, with ease.

But I won’t because I can’t take the burden of those regrets. That painful unrest and discontent that nothing could cure, not drugs, alcohol, buddies, not even true love. For then I’d be just another drone, my controller in the hands of society, forcing me to see the world through its eyes. I can’t give in because I’m scared, terrified even, of wasting away this one life doing the bidding of others- folks who won't even notice when I’m gone.

It’s easy to be depressed and crib your entire life. It’s easy to think you’re worthless and that trying is pointless since nothing ever goes your way.

But perhaps, if you rise, if you simply DECIDE to have the audacity to fight for what you believe in, if you work and focus on becoming better, things will go your way. Life will bend to you, in awe, at your incredible relentlessness. Life will take one look at you, wonder who the fuck is this person? How the fuck are they so incapable of giving up? And back right away. And then perhaps, life will be such a blast for you that depression would become the past you never had.

I know you can get there, conqueror. It’s time you knew it too.

🌚🌝 Further reading? 🌝🌚

Last Post :— How To Get Back Into The Creative Process – For you, if you're in a creative rut. Get outta it and go create magic!

5 Reasons Why You're Unhappy — To help you identify & cut out CURRENT sources of sadness so that you can spice up yo’ life with some happiness instead. Definitely recommend reading AND implementing.

The Bubble Trap & How To Get Out Of It — One of my classics. Everyone is in one of these 'bubbles’ till they consciously do something about it; that's just how it is. Are you still in one? (Someone teach me marketing, lmao.)

The 5 Biggest Regrets of The Dying (from Greatist) — I LOVED reading this. Pretty much all you need to cut the crap and do meaningful stuff. Read it, memorize it, work it.

++ Want to request a blog post? Leave your request in my ask box! I'll get back to you with a reply, along with the average time I'll need to birth that magical idea.

Thanks for dropping by! It was a pleasure to have you around. If you wish to stick for a bit, I'd suggest picking one of the related posts mentioned above.

If you wanna check out my blog, here's a little something about me (y'all know I love the attention). What do I write about? Three arenas I dominate, Work, Lifestyle and Life, they are, my mate! Take your pick!

I post new blog posts bi-weekly, and my wins, & journal entries throughout the week, so follow me if you're into conquering life, leaving a legacy and being the baddest badass you can possibly be. I'll be your side pal, cheering you along.✨

And that was it, it's a wrap! Martha, shut the cams, Henry, pause the audio, and Nandita, I know you're pretending to be deaf, but Mom's yelling something about doing the dishes. Better skip along.

And you, fellow conqueror? Keep slaying life, doing the work and making it count. I hope you're well, stay strong and go conquer life. ✧

I'm sending you so much love, see you soon.

— Nandini 💌 (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

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metaldragoon · 6 years

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When I was younger, I was really excellent at most athletics. Not the best sprinter, but I still represented my school in the 100M and was unbeatable at 400M, 800M, 1500M, and high jump. I played on the best school for soccer and basketball, and while I would never say I was “sociable” I was still surrounded by friends. That was only until I was 10, so you might attribute to physically maturing at a faster pace than most kids, since I was also the tallest to go along with the fastest and most athletic. My parents were starting to split up, they never officially divorced until I was like 14 but at around 8 they started living separately with small stints of living together again, and so I was mostly a daycare kid but I was with one of my best friends there and the only kid as athletic as me, though fortunately for track day he was a year older than me so I never had to compete against him. My mom decided to get back in to teaching once I turned 10, which she had stopped since she was pregnant with me to take care of me, which I feel like makes so little sense because she worked at casinos and stuff until like 2 AM so I never saw her anyways, but, digressing, she found a full-time position. Some desolate northern town where it reaches -50 and it’s a 4 hour drive to the next town. I honestly was quite okay with the idea of moving. I feel like most of my friends had moved and i was like cool, sick of being the lame-o with 40 year old parents and only lived in one house. Also, being in a tiny town with no competition and training for sports all my life, I was like a whale shark in a fish tank, destroying all school records for my track events, and I feel like success never really mattered even, it just felt nice. But each year there, being that it’s winter for about 7 months a year, and, weird of an excuse as it may be, the bugs and mosquitoes there are... so aggressive, it’s either too cold or I’m going to be choking on bugs and scratching my self of all my bites or getting bitten by fruit flies. The sun is so affected by seasons, it’s dark at 3 PM in winter and sunny until 2 AM in the summer. The point of these excuses is just that I lost my athleticism. I am still above average, I guess, but I was slower than the year previous each of my 3 years living there. People never ragged on me about it, I guess they just assumed I didn’t care was the reason, but I knew I just wasn’t as good as people anymore. Kids that didn’t even play sports could keep up with me. This is not very pitiable, but after losing all my friends from moving away, to lose my athleticism took it’s toll. My dad moved away from that northern town as my parents were officially done trying to be together, and I moved with him because I don’t know, I guess again it just felt exciting to be somewhere new. I feel like as a kid all those complaints still didn’t really bug me, this is just looking back at the things that made me. We moved in to some apartments, and while I would say I really enjoyed my time there, I guess this would be when I started having “depression.” I never really felt like that’s how I felt. My dad would work 3PM until midnight, sometimes I’d see him before he’d go to work, he’d make me dinner for me to eat later, and then I’d be by myself, playing computer games and listening to music and talking to lots of people online. I’d make sure to go to bed around 11 so he wouldn’t know I stayed up, maybe have a little cry some nights because I don’t know, that just felt relieving, which of course it is, but whatever. I lived about 20 minutes from school, so I’d walk myself to and from basketball practice and soccer was on the weekends so my dad would drive me there, and outside of that that’d be the only time I left the house unless my dad wanted me to go grocery shopping or something. Something about my dad is that he is... stoic? completely unemotional? I don’t know. I love him, and think he’s great, but he is not one for talking to his son about anything at all. He disciplines me on the important things of life and is very reliable, but I feel like there’s no joy in his life or joking around, which I guess I just felt was normal since he was my only real contact. I guess that’s why I liked being online so much. I could be emotional and talk about things and be silly without thinking I’m disappointing my father, since he has no idea what I’m doing. I started having a lot of ankle problems, which I feel like honestly didn’t really affect my life, it just meant I missed time in sports, and eventually in Gr. 10 my knees started to go, which came to me giving up sports in Gr. 11 because the pain of practices just became too much and coaches weren’t willing to let me just use that as an excuse to only play in games. Gr. 11 I moved with my mother who once again moved to some tiny remote town and I followed her, this time definitely under the influence of her emotional instability and feeling guilted about that. I feel I really hit my low there, as I talked about with my injuries. The town didn’t even have a soccer team and our basketball team was a joke anyways before I quit. I was weighing about 250, I still feel like I was pretty athletic, but my knees would give out on me even just walking. I feel I’ve always had this “pushing my body to extremes” from childhood that I’ve never adjusted to, because in my head I know I can work harder than anyone and succeed because I’m more athletic, and eventually they’ll give up, but they don’t because I’m not more athletic and it just destroys my body. Maybe my adrenaline rush is just stronger than others because I feel like coughing and being completely out of breath, knees stinging and it being hard to walk because my feet are throbbing was just regular after a game but looking at it now I’m like there’s no way other people dealt with that. Anyways, I don’t know, I’m just trying to say it was a very low point. Ever since I heard Caitlyn Jenner talk about how all she did was train for the decathlon and football and everything when she was younger as just being referred to the “great distraction” for her transgender thoughts, which she didn’t understand and just thought were wrong ro something, I’ve found that pretty relatable. Sports to me were the same things, a way to not be thinking about everything shitty about life. Without that it was pretty much thinking about is killing my self worth disappointing my parents and making them think they did such a shitty job of raising me? Because that’s not what my suicide is about, and I don’t want them to blame themself, but I know it’s impossible to not. That was basically my saving grace. I’d also become pretty infatuated with a girl who I’d been friends with for about 3 years or so. I know she didn’t like me back, as I had told her my feelings and she told me hers, but there’s always hope that she just hasn’t noticed what there is to like about me yet. Looking back I feel like a “white knight nice guy here’s my fedora” fucking loser, but I like to also think I was a lot better than that too. We were best friends and basically all my life was just typing to her and attending school. My general sadness became directed towards her not liking me, because I always felt that yeah I’m a loser but I know I’m just in a bad spot and I have a lot of potential to be great... and for the person closest to me not to see that or be attracted to it when everything about her is attractive to me was really like a crushing blow to any kind of comfort I would have found in her. Of course, she still was a great comfort but y’know, you go to bed alone and have insomnia and it’s hard not to focus and drive yourself down this negative road of how pathetic you are. I don’t know, Gr. 12 got a lot better as I moved back with my dad and got in much better shape and actually wasn’t afraid to express myself in English and actually got above C-’s in class. My dad was living with another woman who’s now my step-mother and her son, who served as a wonderful little brother for me. I still was a shell hiding in my room at home, but at least I’d have someone in person to joke with instead of devoting it all to my best friend with whom I would throw my emotions up and down on the roller coaster of my mind. The year went by fine, I played more basketball and soccer and football. I wasn’t the best, but I was still good I guess My dad, cold as he can be, had no interest in taking care of me past school, so the day after I graduated I moved away to my mother, where I stayed for a few months before moving with my friend in Winnipeg. I went thinking one, she’s the only good thing in my life so I’ll at least be happy there, and two, hey, most people online “overrate” them self so it can be hard to be attracted when there’s that doubt, maybe the in-person version of me is what she’s been missing out on and I can still make her love me! Naive, of course, but I lived there for a few months. It was good, but unfortunately I just wasn’t able to get a job and frankly I don’t know how the fuck people figure it out at that young of an age where they just get good jobs or apply to all the right things for post-secondary. I moved back to my mom’s place, but she had moved in with her then-boyfriend, so I lived in her house she owned as just like an actual tenant, alone in a basement suite. Those were some very cathartic times, I had a job as a dishwasher with 4 days on 4 days off, 6 hour days, so it would just be me doing absolutely nothing for 4 days until I worked. Art, or talking to my friend more, drawing a bunch and reading and stuff. Forming an obsession with Depeche Mode and anime. Anyways, after moving away from Winnipeg, you know, it was really clear she wasn’t ever going to love me, I mean, it was probably plenty clear objectively a long time ago, but to the blinded fool that is metaldragoon he still always had hope. But you know, I tried my best, showed her everything I was, and all I would do is cry all the fucking time about it and be miserable so to me I just decided I can’t be friends with her, ‘cus this is killing me. I don’t remember what I said, but basically just said I didn’t want to talk to her. I feel cutting her out made everything grey in life, I honestly didn’t get sad anymore, sure I’d cry here and there, but for the most part I didn’t feel negative because I wasn’t trying and failing, but not trying didn’t bring much happiness either. It was an interesting time in my life, maybe a couple years, where I just wanted to exist and do whatever I did with my life back then. Playing old games. Eventually I moved out of my mom’s and in to my aunt’s, got a job and moved out there to a basement once again, and lived there for I guess about 6 years. That’s when I got in to Tumblr, a nice grey place for my grey existence, mindlessly reblog and eventually I got in to GIF making and I got praise for work, even if it waesn’t really “praise” but let me tell you a fucking like or a reblog on a GIF is some real juice and I became pretty devoted to that. I’d just come home from work, scroll through my entire dashboard, and watch anime just to make GIFs of it. Fa’ years! Eventually I started befriending fellow GIF-maker unit-02, dishing out hot GIF tips with her, but of course no one can dish hot GIF tips without getting to know eachother a little better. Eventually we started really talking the way I hadn’t talked in a long time, and it really felt great to have someone like that in my life again, and it’s gone so much further than any kind of relationship I’ve ever had with anyone. I told her once I’ve never felt like I was truly the single most important person to anyone before, and it’s true and really quite... I don’t know how to put it better than extremely lame, but, quite a good feeling. Anyways, that’s basically my life. I wanted to explain all that just to kind of not find a good way to talk about what I wanted to. Over the last four years, I’ve started working full-time, 40hr weeks. I’m married now, for almost a full year, and doing okay in life. I own a house that costs me a lot of money and I make more money than I was ever thinking I would. But the problem is, work has robbed me of self-reflection, it takes up so much time, I just don’t have time to think of things, sad or otherwise. I’m married now, I always have someone who wants to talk with me, so even on the free times I did have to think about things, there’s someone there “for me” which is, of course, good, but it prevents me from delving in to my true mind. I just want more freedom in life again, and all that negative shit that comes with it, I want it back.

All the important years of my life I’ve been depressed, and it’s what makes me who I am. I want happiness, but I want to be the real me, more. A man of self-reflection and deep-thinking. Instead I barely pay attention to conversations because I have too much other shit I have to deal with, and I don’t even have shit to deal with, but my mind is just melted or something with all the shit I have. For now I tell my self to keep grinding, and eventually I’ll have everything and I can stop and return to who I was, but that’s a lot of time and who knows if by then I’ll ever be able to recover who I was?

#I don't know what the point of this was #but I just wanted to express myself #im sure it's hard to pity the person who had everything and did nothing with it #but its killing me just #fucking thinking about nothing important #or thinking about it and not finding a way to express it

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literaryfaeriecorner · 3 years

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1/29/21: community, love, and... well, really nothing

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January 29th, 2021

today i was thinking about how even in the midst of really terrible shit, there's still some really amazing things that can and do happen.

i hate my job with a passion that literally no one around me can understand. back before the pandemic, teaching in the charter system that i work at gave me constant nightmares and panic attacks. i think i have mild PTSD, actually. seriously. after everything went remote, i found some degree of relief. my nightmares happen less frequently, i tend to have less panic attacks, working from home allows me more physical comfort (no one is forcing me to stand on my feet for 10 hours straight), and it's relatively easier to tweet on the job, lol. however, it's still a big point of misery for me. i feel disrespected by my superiors (i literally got cursed out the other week for a logistical mistake that wasn't even my own), my boss-boss hates me, someone leaked screenshots of an instagram post i made last summer about the state of the education system and the charter network i work for took it as some kind of personal attack and i had to answer for it (weird), and i am one of the most underpaid people in my teaching cohort. they explain this away by saying i don't "meet certain data points," and i dont do this and i neglect to do that but i do just as much work if not more than my coworkers... so. anyway, i just want to get out. i hate it. very badly. my job is one of the main causes of my depressive episodes. i'm only still there because i have rent to pay and i also don't want to leave my kids in the middle of the school year... i absolutely would if i got a new job but it would cause me a bit of agony...

anyway, even in the midst of all that negativity and depression and terribleness... i am strangely glad that i ended up there. today, after one of my most taxing classes (it's not exactly a difficult group of students to teach... i just teach them after two other back-to-back classes and by that point i'm drained and absolutely numb in the brain), two of my coworkers jumped on my zoom link to tell me about a mini scandal they happened upon yesterday.

one of my kids' parents is using her daughter's school-issued laptop to sext with some obviously-catfish internet guy behind her husband's back! they discovered this while using our school's device-monitoring program to make sure the kids weren't cheating during a practice exam. the story and screenshots and talk of next-steps were certainly all hilarious and fun and a nice reprieve from a long, tireless day of remote teaching/chasing after kids/grading terrible fucking papers/getting blamed for everything negative under the sun, but the thing i'm most grateful and feeling blessed for is... community. just sitting on a locked zoom call with two other young women talking trash, shooting the shit, gabbing, sharing scandalous information, dramatically reading corny sexts between two older people was absolutely rejuvenating. it felt like being in middle school or high school again. sitting at a table with your friends after a long morning of classes and just talking shit and hanging out and making sure that everyone was good and could make it through another afternoon of the same old tired, boring, draining, depressing shit. it felt good. and i felt grateful. i no doubt would've slipped into self-pity mode which includes scrolling twitter even though no one has anything good to say, snacking on an unholy amount of girlscout cookies, and napping for the last ten minutes of my break before going into another excruciatingly long period of teaching european history (yuck!).

the thing i hate most about the pandemic is that i am missing out on community. i miss going to bars and clubs and parties by myself and plunging into a room full of people who are also open to meeting someone new, getting into something exciting, running away from home. my favorite part of last school year was getting off of work and heading to dinner with a date, or a friend's house for drinks, or to a book signing or art and culture event. just running around nyc for as long as i could, having as much fun as i could, with as many people as i could before the clock struck 12 and i would have to get up in the morning and play the role of boring, underpaid single female middle school teacher again. now, it feels like i can never escape that role. it feels like my entire life is about being a teacher and being abused and underpaid and stupid and lame and underappreciated. i miss my communities and the identities i found within them.

that's why i was so grateful to my coworkers. for a period of 30 - 35 mins or so, i wasn't just a teacher. i was a friend, a gossip, an asshole, a bitch, a silly girl, a person. a whole person. and i hardly ever feel like a whole person anymore. the four walls of my room don't seem big enough to fit a whole person. just a teacher. just a student. just a failure. just a fuck-up.

i love love. i know they're just my coworkers but i'd be lying if i said i didn't love them. i was also thinking, today, about how people are only in our lives for seasons. and sometimes we know this. like, for example, i know that if i got a job at a new place right this moment (fingers crossed, from this blog to God's ears!!!) that i would leave and probably never hear or speak to any of my coworkers again. and i was thinking how i was ok with this. it wouldn't diminish my love for them in any way or make me feel like i need to find some way to keep them around forever... it just is what it is. i can love them and still know that we aren't meant to be together for too long. we got each other through this hellhole of a job without killing ourselves and that's enough for a lifetime, to be honest.

i was supposed to write all these thoughts way earlier but He messaged me on instagram. He replied to a post of mine talking about WandaVision and apologizing for not texting back last saturday... since this is my blog and im basically anonymous, i'm not ashamed to say that seeing his name pop up on my phone is enough to send me over the moon... especially when it's unexpected and unprompted... he's such a bozo though and i basically let him know... i am a big believer in honesty and eagerness but sometimes a little cool is needed. i brushed off his apology and let him know he was sorry as fuck all the time and then congratulated him on being the kind of person who gets to say "i was just overwhelmed because the judge fucked us over and now i'm working until midnight for the next week." that's probably weird but what can be better than having a job that you like, doing something that you love and that is DEFINITELY helping your career... that's more than what some people have... (i am some people, unfortunately, but i'm looking at getting out of being such a fucking loser)

umm.. it's 1AM now and i have another long, tireless day of being a fucking superhuman aka teacher tomorrow so i'm going to go to bed but i feel like i didn't blog right because i didn't have a clear beginning, middle, end and proper sign off and i know i'm being silly and blogs don't always have to be like that but that's how i feel... but i have to go so that's how it's gonna have to be. i just wanted to write my thoughts down and update my blog because i'm trying to keep my promises to myself in 2021. if i don't keep promises to myself... how will i get anything done?

also He just messaged me back again :) and i have to stare at the message for AT LEAST 30 mins before i can settle into sleep mode.

until next time.

#on love #on community #on teaching #crushes #stream of conscious

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amorremanet · 7 years

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top 5 movies? and why? no no TOP FIVE BOOKS

oh gosh, both of these are hard and my answers for them are probably so boring (they also come with the, “this is just how I feel right now because ugh, I am the worst at picking any all-time faves for broad categories”) — but!!

top “five” movies:

The Prince of Egypt — has some of the most beautiful art that I’ve ever seen, anywhere, and music that sticks with you, and it really shows the human drama and human stakes of such a classic story in ways that a lot of adaptations of Biblical mythology are afraid to do

Deadpool — because I’m garbage, the characters are great, the script is pretty good, and the movie makes me laugh. It’s not really a deconstruction (in the way that some people make it out to be, by way of justifying why they like it), and it’s not super-intellectual, and in a lot of ways, it’s like a giant #SorryNotSorry that makes fun of superhero movie tropes while continuing to use them (and there are some subtle ways it plays with some of said tropes and twists them around, but it largely doesn’t) — but it’s fun

But I’m A Cheerleader — is far from perfect, and I maintain that it’s actually much more depressing than the ending leads us to believe (I mean, Meghan/Graham and Dolph/Clayton get together and escape from True Directions and homophobic parents, and Meghan’s Mom and Dad at least try to do better by their daughter, but things don’t work out that well for anybody else), but it’ll always have a special place in my heart because it was one of the only lesbian movies that I had access to as a little gay baby

Female Trouble — I wouldn’t say that it’s the best thing that John Waters has ever done, just the one that I personally like the best, and I’ll admit that it’s probably an acquired taste…… but I love how it takes on celebrity culture in the story Dawn Davenport, and it gave us great lines like, “The world of heterosexual is a sick and boring life” and, “I wouldn’t suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!” It also has a special place in my heart as one of my favorite, “gay AND weird” movies

—which probably makes sense, given that it was written and directed by the trash king of being gay and weird

……like, seriously. My (best friend who I call my) brother once asked me, “So is John Waters gay or is he just really weird?” and the only thing I could think of to say to that was, “Yes, both.”

the “Three Flavours Cornetto” trilogy — which is totally cheating, to put three in here, but I couldn’t pick between them. I do think that Hot Fuzz and The World’s End are more fully actualized than Shaun of the Dead, but I love all of them, and the reason is pretty much just, “Because they’re good mixes of being hilarious and making me FEEL things” (……less so in The World’s End, for several reasons; it’s a lot heavier on the feels, to the point that you sometimes feel bad for laughing at the jokes, but still)

and books:

Good Omens (Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman) — This book was my introduction to both PTerry and GNeil, after I found a cheap copy in an airport bookstore when I was about twelve and immediately fell in love. It’s funny, the characters are vibrant and engaging, and it played right into my love of screwing around with Biblical mythology.

I’m periodically tempted to list different books for both of those men (with PTerry’s probably being one of the Granny Weatherwax books, or Faust Eric, and GNeil’s being either American Gods or one of his Sandman books — because yeah, he’s done other good stuff, but I’m more sentimentally attached to AG and Sandman. Also, Preludes and Nocturnes has some of the only non-movie or TV horror that has genuinely terrified me, so)

—buuuut then I never do, because Good Omens was my first book from either of them, and remains my sentimental fave, even though I admit that they’ve both written other books that are, “better” or, “stronger,” or whatever

Dry (Augusten Burroughs) — There’s a lot of fair criticism to be made of Augusten Burroughs, and he’s been one of the writers at the center of the debates about truthfulness or lack thereof in popular memoirs (like, how much an author is allowed to condense things before it stops counting as a, “real story,” and how an author remembers things happening vs. how other people remember them), but Dry nevertheless means a lot to me.

Like, I enjoyed Running with Scissors and his novel, Sellevision (which were the other Big Deals in his collected works, at the time I originally read Dry), but Dry fucked me up a LOT when I first read it. It has continued to fuck me up ever since.

There are passages in this book that I can’t even be jealous of, as another writer, because they’re so good that they skip right the fuck past, “I’m angry and jealous that I didn’t write this myself” and into, “Holy shit, THIS is why I write, the ability to do THIS KIND OF THING EXACTLY with words, I need to go write something right now”

Also, it means a lot to me for sentimental, “I read this book for the first time when I was in high school, and it made me feel less lonely and sad and scared” reasons

Dynamic Characters (Nancy Kress) — This is by no means the be-all and end-all of, “how to writer better” books, but it’s a personal favorite of mine, for two reasons: 1. there are some things that Kress doesn’t cover about creating characters and doing better by them in your writing, but she’s still pretty comprehensive and offers some solid illustrative examples, multiple perspectives on this part of writing (not as many as she could, but to be fair, she only has so many pages to work with), and a good mix of “tough love” advice and gentler, more reassuring advice;

and 2. …it was the first, “how to writer better” book that I ever got my hands on. I picked it out specifically because I’d posted a completely ridiculous crack fic that was a crossover between Harry Potter and Sailor Moon, with a first-person protagonist narrator who was a hot nonsense self-insert power fantasy Mary Sue with no flaws and no nuance because, hey, I was 11.

And someone actually commented to go, “Hey, look, you have talent, but you could do better and one place to start is maybe with learning to build better realized characters” — so I picked out the Nancy Kress book and it seems like a really silly thing to call a turning point? But it was big a turning point for me

Death, Disability, and the Superhero: The Silver Age and Beyond (José Alaniz) — okay, time for me to be a loser and cite an academic book. I’m also probably a cheating loser, since I just read this book for the first time recently…… but with that said? I’ve read a LOT of critical treatments of the superhero genre, some pretty good, others pretty bad (for example, I remain Perpetually Tired of Slavoj Žižek’s heavy metal Communist, Bane in Leather Pants bullshit reading of The Dark Knight Returns), and most of it somewhere in the middle

—but there’s this trend among people who write critically about superhero junk, whether they’re academics of not, wherein we act like we have to act like superhero comics are The Most Progressive Ever and oversell their sociopolitical impact in order to make them look like ~*True Art*~ That Must Be Taken Seriously (—and like, I’m not saying that they have NO impact on people at all, because that’s objectively false. But you also can’t try to claim that Superman, Wonder Woman, and Captain America comics are why the Allies won World War II)

(this is a pointless aside to note that I deliberately left the Goddamn Batman off that list, because while Supes, Diana, and Steve were all off punching Nazis, Golden Age Bruce and white boy!Dick were running around on the home-front, rounding up Japanese Americans and putting them in internment camps. So… y’know. There’s that.)

……or we have to take legitimate criticisms of problems in the superhero genre, both historical and current, and use them to go, “Therefore, the entire genre is pointless garbage that has no redeeming qualities at all and could never ever EVER be used to tell any stories that are worth telling, and frankly, you are all terrible, horrible people for enjoying it, how very dare you enjoy that X-Men movie or that Red Hood And The Outlaws comic, you’re basically a fascist now”

—which is hilarious, to me, because the people who write that sort of criticism almost always cite Fredric Wertham’s book, The Seduction of the Innocent (aka: the book that led to so much moral outrage over the allegedly very gay and fascistic, child-corrupting content of comicbooks that the Comics Code Authority was created), and they always go, “Well, obviously Wertham was OTT and totally full of shit, buuuut…… *argument that would not have been out of place in his book*”

So, one of the big reasons I loved Professor Alaniz’s book is that is does neither of these things. It offers some incisive, and occasionally kinda damning, critique of the superhero genre and its handling of disability and mortality, but he does so from a place of love and enjoyment, and never pretends to hate the genre, nor argues for throwing the whole thing out because it has problems.

Like, his underlying mindset is very much, “Yes, the superhero genre has a LOT of problems, but people could, in theory, fix them and try to get closer to realizing the full potential of what these characters and stories can do” — while never skimping on a detailed analysis of the trends and case studies that he presents.

Sometimes, I think he’s kinda reaching (and I, personally, never want to hear anything about Doctor Doom’s Oedipus complex ever again so long as I live, though it was validating to hear that my theatre kids AU version of him — who is a ridiculous mess, obsessed with taking selfies, and perpetually acting like he totally gets everything while missing some crucial detail, which is how he ends up thinking that Loki is dating Tony Stank [a suggestion that makes both of them want to puke] — is actually a valid interpretation of his character, based on some parts of canon)

Overall, though, my biggest problem with Professor Alaniz’s book is that he can be kind of a hipster and it can get a little bit annoying. Not enough to ruin the whole book, but enough that it does stand out.

Like, his chapter on Daredevil specifically analyzes an infamous Silver Age story that basically everyone hated — the one where Matt Murdock tells Karen and Foggy that he isn’t the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, but he has some heretofore unknown identical twin brother named Mike, who is not blind but *IS* actually that aforementioned costumed hero, and carries on a charade of pretending to be his nonexistent twin brother — and okay, we get some pretty neat discussion of how passing can work or might not with disabled people

…but you can still walk away feeling like his biggest reason for analyzing that story arc was less about its value to any part of his discussion, and more about going, “Other Daredevil stories are too mainstream, I care most about this one that was so infamously ridiculous that people have said even soap operas wouldn’t have done this plot”

Likewise, I’m not saying that there aren’t very fair criticisms to be made of the X-Men and how their stories handle disability in particular… but at some points in his chapter on the Silver Age Doom Patrol comics, Professor Alaniz seems to be less, “using the pre-Claremont Silver Age X-Men stories as an illustrative foil to the Doom Patrol, especially with regard to how Charles’s paraplegia is treated vs. how The Chief’s paraplegia is treated” and more, “using this discussion as a free excuse to bash on the X-Men for being popular”

To his credit, Professor Alaniz does kinda discuss some of the ways that the X-Men’s popularity might have been affected by the fact that things like their ableist handling of Charles make them feel, “safer” and, “less sociopolitically threatening” than he makes the Doom Patrol out to be (with a pretty convincing argument, actually)

He just doesn’t do it enough for me to feel like his “criticism” of the X-Men isn’t at least partially grounded in going, “Well, it’s popular, therefore it sucks” (—as opposed to my approach to them, which is, “It’s popular, and has a mixed bag of things that it does well vs. things it does that suck, but it does not suck BECAUSE it is popular”)

Anyway, good book, and it’s written in a refreshingly accessible way (it’s still an academic book and harder to get into than, say, Good Omens, but Professor Alaniz doesn’t make a lot of the more common mistakes that leave a lot of academic writing effectively incomprehensible)

and last but not least…… Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire (we all know who wrote this, okay, come on) — because I’d be lying if I didn’t include at least one HP book on this list, considering how important those books and that fandom have been to the course of my life and to my development as a writer, and it was either gonna be this one or POA, but this one won over the other because I’m garbage

#coeur gris #memes for ts #ask box tag #mine: asks #opinions for ts #top fives meme #longish post//#coeur-gris

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lethesomething · 7 years

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The definitely not definitive sports anime guide

So I did a thing a while back (a year ago, in fact) where I tried to make a primer for sports animes. I have since watched Many, Many More so let's do this again (still no Daiya no Ace tho). Based purely on my own meandering experience, here's a hopefully comprehensive guide on picking your next set of adoptive sons.

Note: There’s ten shows so this is going to be long, you guys. Just... so long. And there will be many exclamation points.

All out!!

Sport: Rugby Type: Ensemble cast with quite a heavy focus on drama. By that I mean that this is a 'traditional' sports anime, where several characters get flashbacks and development, usually in the final minutes of some important match. The amount of characters, however, is fairly low, with a heavy focus is on the Jinko team and their struggles to not be the failingest team that ever failed. Lasers vs realism: I know nothing of rugby? They tackle each other a lot and they seem to mostly play in the rain and the mud. So far, things seem plausible. I've spotted a fair amount of 'eye lasers' and 'determination fire' so I'm gonna say Mildly Realistic. Pace: Fairly slow. Fourteen episodes in, they haven't even started the preliminaries to the nationals. The focus is very much on the build-up of the team and the individual characters.

Art style: Bara. So bara. Apart from that, the art is very pronounced, with a rather unique look. The difference in faces reminds me almost of a french bd style. I like it. Best tsun: Ohira is so salty. Someone please put him in a shaker and pour him over fries. Favourite gentle giant: Iwashimizu is that cute, shy, tall boy that would really rather be in the book club, but got dragged into violent mud ball because of his stature and his past. Protect him.

Early scene: All Out!! is pretty heavy on the figure hugging outfits and the random tackling shots in the dirt. This is like 50% of the first few episodes. Just shots of guys running into other guys while looking Serious. The other 50% is school kids talking.

Later scene: Somewhere halfway through the season, All Out suddenly starts adding All the Drama and Background, and really starts to shine. Mostly because characters that seemed flat suddenly get some depth. Have the resident Tough Guy Captain, for instance, getting blushey because he received a love letter.

The good:

In a genre that's rife with thin pretty boys, it's refreshing to see a bunch of bodybuilders and fat blokes trying to waltz over each other. All Out's art style is one of it's major draws.

I really like the contrast between the over the top action of the games and the practice, and then the soft focus and alternate personalities in the flashbacks and establishing scenes. The storytelling is pretty good.

The bad:

I'll be honest, All Out is not the most inspired show out there. It's pretty heavy on the tropes, especially in the establishing episodes, before the whole thing gets rolling. It takes a few episodes before it gets truly interesting.

The show also takes a little too much time to establish how down in the dumps the team is. Jinko isn’t just the underdog, they’re the Underdog. I found it almost depressing to watch at times.

Advice: Watch it for the bara. This is one of the few shows where the characters are not all skinny. It has some nice body diversity. Also: a sport that is pretty unique. This is a good one if you're looking for something a little different.

Cheer Danshi!!

Sport: Cheerleading Type: Ensemble cast. The central cast is made up of five dudes with their own struggles, and halfway through the season it is expanded to double that. Realism: High. The weirdest thing that happens is kids being able to do a handstand by trying hard enough. The show deals with some very basic and very realistic issues, like fear of heights or finding time to practice while also looking for work and studying. Pace: Fast. It's a simple, condensed show that manages to fit both the whole 'let's start a club' thing and practice all the way to tournaments into one season.

Art style: Mildly bishounen. These boys are all extremely cute. They also look fairly young considering they're in university. Favourite cheer boy: Kazu is amazing, ok? He has the sad back story, but he's just incredibly fun and cheerful and his messaging icon is a cheerleading pig for god's sake. Best tsun: Shou is your resident 'highly talented but held back by his past trauma' type kid, with the extra bonus of terrible, terrible fashion taste.

Early scene: So Cheer Danshi!! starts with these four friends getting into the whole cheerleading thing and slowly gaining team members by just going out there and embarrassing themselve.; It works!

Later scene: The valentines episode is one of the funnier ones, and the show does that thing where they stuff so much information into a single frame? Usually something is going on in the back and I approve of that.

The good:

I give Cheer Danshi!! points for having a chubby character that is never made to feel less and who's main 'joke' is that he's the only one with a girlfriend. Ton wins at life, ok.

Also this show is legit? Like I was expecting some parody, but it’s pretty serious about being a real sports anime.

I live for shows that put little easter eggs in the background.

The bad:

A lot of development is missed because of the brutal pace. Like Shou as a character should be right up my alley, but he falls sort of flat.

The actual dance scenes didn’t really do it for me. It sort of lacks tension. It doesn’t have you at the edge of your seat.

The show, to me, lost a lot of its speed and intrigue near the end of the season, like it was running out of gas.

Advice: Watch it for Kazu. This is a pretty chill show about outcasts. It has pretty art and works well as a time filler, even if it isn’t as gripping or life consuming as some of the ones on this list.

Days

Sport: Football (soccer) Type: Ensemble cast. Pretty heavy focus on the main character and possibly Kazama, but the Seiseki football team has its fair share of strong personalities, that each get to shine. Realism vs motivational shouting: Fairly realistic. The football matches feature more goals than I’m used to seeing in regular matches, but otherwise the basic rules and techniques are followed. Tsukushi's main skill is that he runs a lot and can shout loudly. This puts him in first string of one of the top high school football teams in Japan. That's... odd, but the actual matches aren't too weird. Pace: Pretty fast. These guys are not the underdogs, so they get into the Nationals or whatever fairly quickly. Also the third years are already talking about retiring 20 episodes in.

Art style: The art for Days is pretty cool. The linework is fairly thick and the characters are very pronounced. Half of them are pretty hot, while the other half is just downright weird. No idea what the deal is with Tsukushi’s cheeks. Favourite football genius: Have I mentioned how Kazama is a gift? Because Kazama is a gift. He does the genius rebel with ennui thing and combines it with a sad past and the most upbeat personality imaginable. He's a little shit and I adore him. Favourite tsun: Kimishita is aggressively tsun, in the sense that he's almost more aggressive than tsun. This guy has so many issues with repressed feelings turning into anger that I would recommend a therapist, or perhaps like an awful lot of cuddles. Maybe a puppy.

Early scene: Days is a strange combination of over the top melodrama with Tsukushi learning his self worth, and then just... really silly stuff. Like this one, where Tsukushi, despite being just the biggest loser, gets to nap on the pretty girl's shoulder. His classmates are not impressed.

Later scene: Because of the 'top dog' status of Seiseki, a ton of circumstances have to happen where they are challenged and the match is no longer that easy to win. Suddenly everything is mud, or half the team is out so the other half has to pick up the slack. This, btw, is Kimishita's finest moment.

The good:

Days is that show that is all kinds of normal and I still want to watch a ton of it? It has that Oreo quality to it. You know they're not the best cookies out there but damned if you're not going eat the whole pack. It has the right amount of lightness and silliness to sate my sports anime thirst.

It’s kinda cool that this show starts with a team that is not clawing itself up from the ground. They're the champions from the very start and have to defend that position, which changes the tension somewhat.

The bad:

For a sports anime, the title has a startling lack of exclamation marks.

It has the worst first episode. It does get better.

Also it's pretty tropey. Mostly in characters. Kimishita is aggressively tsun, Usui is very much the mom friend, Ooshiba is the self involved ace etc. The ensemble cast feels slightly too much like an ensemble cast, if you know what I mean. The show rather subtly tries to play with these tropes, but they are still feel very present.

The amount of praise lavished upon protagonist Tsukushi for being average but good at running is a little too much. I get that this is a motivational anime, but he’s literally on a team with genius athletes.

Advice: This is good, old fashioned entertainment. Watch it for a sport you actually know something about (if you’re, like, not American), and because it’s well made.

Free!

Sport: Swimming Type: Drama. This is basically a show about growing up and coming to terms with your dreams. It's... very heavy on the story, you guys. The show is based on two light novels that precede the anime time line and the story goes back to friggin kindergarten. Everyone has some kind of trauma. Realism vs dream fish: Ok, yes, they turn into dream fish at several points. But: other than that, it does make sense. Like the up and coming swim team doesn't just beat everyone, and if they break the rules (which, spoiler, they do), they're disqualified. Pace: Really slow. This is a drama, remember. There's not that many competitions.

Art style: Drool worthy. This is a KyoAni show, meaning it is Very Pretty with Very Detailed Sparkly Eyes and Incredibly Animated Water and let's not even get into the work they put in the, uh, musculature of all these half naked young men. Everything is pretty and everyone is hot. Favourite emo shark: Have you taken a good look at the drama queen that is Rin? He's such a theatrical little shit, and god it's so amazing to see his turnaround in season two. He’s a great, if somewhat self-involved character. Best tsun: He doesn't show up until the second season but holy moly Sousuke is everything. He's sensitive, he's hot and he's a classic tortured soul who cares about his friends too much while trying to keep all his feels bottled up.

Early scene: When I say Free is about growing up, this is what I mean. At the beginning of each season, the characters tend to be struggling with something, which is resolved through, uh, the power of friendship. And dream fish. In this case, Haru is just so done with life. He has the ennui of a 70 year old veteran.

Later scene: This is still my favourite line in that whole first season, because it both shows some of the deeper underlying story, with Rei being personally affected and probably a little miffed by the constant talk about Rin, while also hammering home his innate politeness. The whole thing culminates in what should be a showdown but ends up being very silly. (protect Rei! He deserves all the love).

The good:

This show is pretty damn deep. It really digs into the feels, man.

So, so pretty.

So much drama. It has a very good pull. It’s one of those shows I need to stop myself from watching on the train, because I squeal and flail.

The bad:

It’s pretty campy. There’s a few scenes, certainly in the early episodes of each season, that are just too much, like the … penguin bathing suit on Rei, and that whole ‘join our swim club’ thing in S2.

Advice: This was one of my first sports animes and it will always be one of my favourites. The show has a very deep storyline and well developed characters. It's gotten a bad rap as queer- and fujoshi bait as of late, but that's honestly only there if you're looking for it. (I legit didn't see gay subtext the first time I watched this show). So just clear your mind and enjoy the plot and the pretty.

Haikyuu!!

Sport: Volleyball Type: Ensemble cast. There are so many characters and they're all super nice and have pretty well developed backgrounds. Some of the most interesting ones tend to be side characters, even, because there's such a wealth of personalities. Realism vs freak duo: Pretty realistic. From what people tell me, it's a pretty good representation of specifically Asian style of volleyball. The freak duo are awfully fast tho. Pace: Medium. A season usually consists of a training arc and some kind of tournament. The important matches take like ten episodes. However: many things happen in said match and you know the life story of every single participant, including coaches and maybe like a referee afterwards.

Art style: Pretty cool. Everyone is cute and 'feels' like they're the right age. It does this thing occasionally where it draws on the horror past of the mangaka, and turns a character into a scary badass, which is just Really Cool, you guys. Best tsun: Where to even start? As mentioned, this show has what is probably the biggest cast of lovable characters in sports anime. So what the hell, I'll go for the second protagonist: Kageyama. This kid is the sports prodigy with the terrible social skills and past trauma that has a really cute amount of character development. Favourite owl: Bokuto. For a show that has so many random animal themes, Bokuto both embodies the traditional wisdom associated with owls, but also that thing where they crane their head ninety degrees?

Early scene: Early Haikyuu is oddly dramatic. It's the part where the Karasuno boys still need to work on their confidence and regain their trust in each other. I am utterly in love with this particular scene because it's a really nice example of early character development in Kageyama. He's just... squaring off against an old ally, while his new buddy is listening. At the same time it’s also a light scene, because of Hinata’s typical reaction to “tall people in bathrooms”.

Later scene: Haikyuu has some really nice action sequences. The single screenshot doesn't really do it justice, but this is one of my faves because it falls into the theme of ‘getting better through failing a million times’. The reason Hinata there can do flying falls so well, is because his team is just kinda bad at first.

The good:

Really well written characters, and a ton of them. I cannot stress this enough. This is so good for character development addicts.

This show also stays away from many tropes and exaggerated themes that some sports anime fall into.

The bad:

Haikyuu syndrome: you don't know who to cheer for.

Popularity issues: S3 has ten episodes and still drags a little, because it’s being made too fast to follow the manga.

Advice: There's a reason everyone is obsessed with Haikyuu. This is the standard and honestly the best traditional sports anime made in the past few years. It's weirdly mundane but it does everything so well, with spot-on characterisation and pace and storytelling and visual setting.

Kuroko no Basket

Sport: Basketball Type: Half and half. The main plot is pretty clear and feels almost like an rpg style quest where Kuroko needs to beat all his former team mates and collect all the stars in order to unlock the Winter Cup Final and Fix All the Things. What makes the show good, however, is the cast and the variety in opponents. Realism vs lasers: All the lasers. This show is the reason I even added a ‘realism’ category. Everyone has special abilities, ridiculous amounts of things happen in a split second... this is not how you basketball. It’s nice to look at tho. Pace: Medium to slow. 75 episodes cover about two tournaments (admittedly they're long tournaments). An ova is coming out this year that covers one reunion match. There's a lot of flashbacks to break up the monotony, including a very long one about middle school.

Art style: Over the top bishi. These dudes are supposed to be 16 and they all look like twenty something models. Also, just so many lasers and special effects. Not that I'm complaining. Favourite flamboyant boy model: Kise did nothing wrong, he just wants to play basketball with his friends and I will defend him with my life (Kise Defence Squad 2k17). Best tsun: Aomine is bae. While his character is a walking trope, he just does it so well, ok. He's one of the first 'villains' and his redemption arc is just extremely satisfying.

Early scene: Also known as 'the one where I started screaming'. Since one of the main themes in KnB is the power of friendship, and how each of the overpowered Miracles needs to learn to work together with their new team, this one hits right in the feels. Kise just completely overworked himself and his super grumpy senpai comes to the rescue.

Later scene: Did I mention the lasers? This is actually a rather powerful scene, since it's the main characters super attack, and the reason antagonist Aomine there can stop it, is because they used to be best friends before he went over to the dark side (this really sounds like a fantasy epos doesn't it).

The good:

It's so over the top I can't even.

Memorable characters. And I don't just mean the main team and the Miracles. I'm talking asshole antagonists that still deserve their own fan club.

The bad:

Towards the later seasons, it starts to feel a bit stretched. Like a match takes a Really Long Time and everyone needs to use their ability at least once. It does drag on a bit.

Advice: This is a super popular sports anime and I can understand why. It's a high drama, super over the top laser spectacle. The characters have an odd pull to them, in that I only watched the show once, a year ago, but I'm still writing fanfic for them. They get in your head and sort of don't leave. It's a good show and it's well written. Go watch it if you like your sports anime with an extra dose of steroids.

Ookiku Furikabutte (Big Windup!)

Sport: Baseball Type: Drama. It has a good ensemble cast, but the focus is squarely on the two main characters. This is basically a show about overcoming your past self. Realism vs pitching technique: Pretty high on the realism scale? The main idea behind Ookiku Furikabutte is that the main character has a weird pitching technique which beats everyone if paired up with the right strategy. So there’s that. It also does that thing where a lot of stuff happens in the last few minutes of a match. Pace: Medium. A match takes like two to three episodes on average and there’s some training camps in between.

Art style: Adorable. The art is very simple and stylized, making everyone look really young. At times you also get the chibi thing, where mostly Mihashi resembles some kind of small chicken (which is apt, let's be fair). Favourite fairy godmother: Coach Momoe is both a complete badass, and one of those teacher figures that speaks in riddles half the time and then tries to make the kids come up with the answer themselves. It's nice to see that style of character in the shape of a twenty something girl with pigtails. Favourite tsun: Abe is such a good character because while he does the 'tortured soul' bit rather well, he's also a complete dickhead. Seeing him become less of an ass is nice.

Early scene: This scene, while, just, so gay, is also the part where Abe figures out what Mihashi has been going through and what he, as his catcher, should maybe do about that. There's an awful lot going on for a scene this understated.

Later scene: The big dramatic climax of season one has Mihashi finally realizing a number of things, in the last inning of a match, in the pouring rain, because of course.

The good:

I like the childlike quality of the characters. People like Tajima feel and act very young, which is pretty damn realistic. It has a sort of carefree feel to it, despite the rather heavy load of teenage angst going on underneath.

Supportive parents. Like for real, this is one of the very, very few series that actively shows moms going to watch their sons games and supporting the team. Parents exists in this world and that is neat.

The bad:

The main character is a mess, which gets annoying. And then I feel bad about finding him annoying.

The bullying and random bouts of sexism are kinda hard to watch at times.

Advice: This is one of the lesser known sports animes but it’s really worth a shot. Watch if you’re into some deep-digging, realistic teenage angst. It has some very complex relationships, characters with a believable mixture of maturity and a classic underdog sports team plot.

Prince of Stride

Sport: Parcour Type: Ensemble cast. It's based on an otome game. There is cute innocent boy, serious glasses boy, hot older boy, etc. You can almost tick them off. Somehow they're all models and idols also. Realism vs organized parcour: So parcour, I'm fairly certain, is not a sport that has school tournaments. Having said that, I like how they put it into animation, with stuff like wind mattering and just having what is basically an obstacle course for these kids to run. Soo... medium realism. Pace: Pretty high. They crammed a fair amount of stuff into 12 episodes.

Art style: Flashy. I really like the use of really sharp, almost garish colours. It gives the show quite a pop. The art is well done and, since it's based on an otome game, everything is pretty and everyone is tall, thin and extremely bishounen. Favourite wind machine using biker: It's like every scene involving Kuga has to have him somehow showing off his bod and long flowing hair in just the right amount of wind. I approve of this amount of camp. Favourite tsun: Heath is a hot half-American model that is voiced by Ono D. Case closed.

Early scene: Fujiwara is mildly insane and will do anything to make sure the running team has enough members. Including kidnapping based on calf strength.

Later scene : They're high-fiving.... like bros....

The good:

One of the best bits about Stride is that it's obviously a high budget anime. The cast reads like a 'who's who' of your favourite voice actors so you end up doing that thing where every time a new character is talking you pause to go back to the cast list and go 'ohhh, it's that guy, I knew it!' (surely I am not the only one who does this).

The bad:

The amount of trope that the characters embody made them fall a bit flat for me. It just felt slightly more shallow than some of the others on this list. Like, it tried real hard, but it never really pulled me in.

Advice: Ehhh. Good visuals, but not much else. This is honestly such a missed chance. When it came out, the premise was so promising and I really wanted to love it. It looks sleek and stylish but for me it lacks bite. It tries, it really does, but it misses that depth of character and storyline that makes a truly good series.

Yowamushi Pedal

Sport: Road cycling Type: Ensemble cast, mostly of the main team Sohoku and the rival champion team Hakone. The interaction between these guys is a lot of fun. Realism vs time travel: Uhhhhhhhh. Ok, so that's not how cycling works and anyone who's ever been on a bike knows this. The 'pack' doesn't get infinitely stronger and faster as more people join, the power of friendship and grit alone will not make you come back from the last spot in a massive race etc. That's not even talking about the weird stunts Midousuji pulls and the special pokemon abilities of some of these guys. It's pretty out there. Pace: Weird. Let me explain. This show sprints through the year, enough that three seasons in, the third years have actually retired from the team (gasp!). But at the same time it’s just... so slow. This is one of those shows that takes an entire episode to cover what is essentially less than a minute of real life time, because it keeps cutting to flashbacks and takes the time to do motivational speeches and tearful send-offs while the characters race along at sixty miles per hour. It's amazing.

Art style: Cartoony and exaggerated. Like, very few people are 'drawn hot'. At times the art style feels like mid nineties anime, but it is very effective, especially with the over the top Dramatic Scenes™. Best tsun: I am mildly in love with Makishima ok? With his stupid ridiculously coloured hair and his horrific clothes. He can best be described as a sensitive weirdo and he's amazing. Favourite angel boy: Manami is a great character because of his hidden depths. He seems on the surface to be your typical fun, pure, bike loving doof. He has glass wings as his special ability. But then you figure out that he's also low key psychotic and obsessed with mortality and that is cool AF.

Early scene: I like that thing they do where they ‘send off’ a guy. And they do it a lot. Not sure if that’s how physics works, but somehow pushing a colleague on the back makes him shoot off, with all the spirit and hopes and dreams of the pusher as the wing beneath their wings (or something).

Later scene: Onoda uses the cadence of an anime song to help his buddy get in rhythm. I have many questions about this scene. How does Tadoroko know the lyrics to the hime hime song? Shouldn’t they be saving their breath if they’re that tired? Many questions.

The good:

This show is the most dramatic thing ever? I think it's partly the art style, but every episode it feels like half the main cast has somehow died, judging by the angry close ups and random eulogies. It's so over the top.

My second favourite thing is the little slice of life sketch you get after the credits each time. They are usually very silly little clips that give some background to the characters and their interactions. It's fandom gold.

The bad:

While I love the over-the-top-ness, they sometimes go too far. Like they have so many motivational speeches, and some of the races are so dragged out that you get frustrated. In some of the later episodes it feels like very little actually happens in the twenty minutes of screen time.

Advice: Watch it but take heed. There is a lot of YowaPeda and it's very moreish. I binged 63 episodes and a god damned movie in what amounts to less than two weeks. That is not healthy. It gets under your skin.

Yuri!!! on Ice

Sport: Figure skating Type: Drama. Unless you’ve avoided tumblr for the last half of 2016, you know that this is mostly a love story set to the background of an international ice skating competition. That being said, the cast is A+ and all of them are intensely lovable. Realism vs quads: I have doubts about the points some of the skaters receive (Otabek should get bronze!) and apparently quads are really not as common as the show makes them out to be. Having said that, the amount of detail and beauty that is put into each of the choreographies is worth all the realism points.So high realism. Pace: Ridiculously fast. The amount of tournaments and background and, just, character development these people manage to cram into 12 episodes makes my head reel. This is why you should watch every episodes at least two times.

Art style: Gorgeous. The animation is really really good. It does the thing where some frames are super detailed (the lips! the eyelashes!), while others are more stylized or downright cartooney. It mixes styles a lot to best get a point across. Best tsun: Yuri Plisetsky is such a joy of an angry teenager. He is so very grumpy and so very sensitive at the same time? Also: cats. Love him. Favourite Russian legend: It’s hard to pick a fave character but Victor is just so serious and disciplined, but then also utterly flamboyant and an idiot in love. I want my very own victor. Someone commercialize him.

Early scene: Let's not spoil the whole plot with the most famous scenes, shall we? Let’s go with Yuuri performing “Stand close to me”. It’s a routine he saw performed by his idol. It’s so heartfelt? Also the jump start to the series.

Later scene: Yuuri being a bro.Yuuri, a classic tsun, is hard to befriend, but he really is such a good kid, and he cares so much that he goes out of his way to cheer up friends and I just want to hug him.

The good:

YoI is extremely meta. There's a reason you could compile a library of analyses just from tumblr. It knows all the tropes and plays with them like a cat plays with one of those jingley balls. You think the girl will be a love interest? Bam: triplets and a husband. You think Victor is a playboy? Bam: episode ten will make your head reel. You think Yurio is just your basic shounen jump antagonist? Bam: episode twelve will kill you dead with your assumptions. It's anti trope.

Representation of an actual healthy romantic relationship between two male characters is still pretty rare, so I’ll commend it for that.

High pull factor, in the sense that it’s very easy to get invested.

The bad:

Haikyuu syndrome (I really felt bad for Christophe, and Seung Gil, and JJ and...).

At times it goes slightly overboard on the camp. Christophe coming on the ice is just... no.

Advice: FFS yes. Just watch it. It's so well done that it manages to hook people who don't even like anime. I'm not even gonna tell you to stay away if you are improbably scared of gay things. Watch it and better your life. Love wins.

#filed under #please keep the sports anime away from me #all out!!#cheer danshi #days anime #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #kuroko no basket #Kuroko no Basuke #Ookiku Furikabutte #big windup #yowamushi pedal #yuri on ice #yoi #sports anime #lethey #Free!#free! iwatobi swim club #prince of stride

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blobs-are-not-alone · 7 years

Text

WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?

Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films “Gas Light,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative.

Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgments. Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favor, deflecting the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. This is often done by making you feel “overly sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.

Commonly adopted by psychopathic, sociopathic and narcissistic types of people, Gaslighting tends to eat away at you slowly until you realize that you’re a shell of the former person you were.

3 EXAMPLES OF GASLIGHTING

Let’s take a look at some examples of Gaslighting.

In a family scenario: Andrew’s father is an angry, bitter man. Every day Andrew is afraid to “tip the balance” of his father’s mood because he often bursts out in fits of rage calling Andrew a “bastard” and a “worthless little loser,” among many other hurtful names. When Andrew confronts his father about this aggressive name calling, Andrew’s father laughs and tells him “to stop being so sensitive.”

In a relationship scenario: Jade has been married for 5 years and has two small children with her husband Mike. For the past few months Jade has been trying to establish a small art shop, but when she asks for her husband’s assistance his mood darkens: “I can’t believe you’re spending so much time on this shop—don’t you care about me—don’t you care about your kids? You’re supposed to be mothering them!” he exclaims. Jade is shocked, “But I just wanted you to help me with setting up the store! And I haven’t been neglecting anyone!” Mike comes up very close to Jade’s face: “You see! Now you’re denying it. When I married you I thought you’d be there for your family. I should just take the kids and go already!” Mike storms off. Later, when Jade sits down to talk with Mike about his threat, Mike says, “Honey, you know you were over reacting, and you know that you’ve been obsessing over this shop too much. That makes the rest of us feel very ignored and excluded, I hope you understand that.”

At work scenario: Sophie has been working in her department for the past five years when she is given a promotion to migrate to another level of the company that pays a higher salary. However, Sophie has been given a trial period to determine whether she is capable of fulfilling her duties or not. Nervously, she meets with her new supervisor, Kelly. At first, Sophie likes her supervisor and fulfills all of her tasks on time. However, her supervisor begins to ask her to do belittling chores and favors here and there with increasing frequency. While Sophie is fine with helping out, she finds that Kelly is becoming more and more demanding. Finally, as Sophie’s work piles up to an unbearable level, she tells Kelly that she needs to focus on completing her work, but she can help another time. Later, in a staff meeting, Kelly introduces Sophie to everyone and says, “Although she’s not keeping up with us yet, I’m sure she’ll learn to embody our hard-working ethics soon!” Immediately, Sophie blushes and feels publicly insulted and humiliated, fearing for the security of her new job. Later when Sophie asks her supervisor why she thinks that “she is not embodying their hard-working ethic,” her supervisor says: “I think you misunderstood me. I just said that you’re not used to our pace of work so that other people can help you out.” From then on Sophie accepts all extra demands and chores, no matter how much work she has, or how demeaning the tasks are.

HOW TO KNOW WHETHER SOMEONE IS GASLIGHTING YOU

Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes trigger nervous breakdowns. So the question now it: are you being gaslighted? How can you know whether you’re experiencing this subtle form of manipulation in your life? Review the following tell-tale signs:

1. Something is “off” about your friend, partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.

2. You frequently second-guess your ability to remember the details of past events leaving you psychologically powerless.

3. You feel confused and disorientated.

4. You feel threatened and on-edge around this person, but you don’t know why.

5. You feel the need to apologize all the time for what you do or who you are.

6. You never quite feel “good enough” and try to live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are unreasonable or harm you in some way.

7. You feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”

8. You feel like you’re constantly overreacting or are “too sensitive.”

9. You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood and depressed.

10. You find it hard to trust your own judgment, and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgment of the abuser.

11. You feel scared and as though “something is terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.

12. You find it hard to make decisions because you distrust yourself.

13. You feel as though you’re a much weaker version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.

14. You feel guilty for not feeling happy like you used to.

15. You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.

https://lonerwolf.com/gaslighting/

#gaslighting #I didn't know that this was an actual thing #I literally cried when reading this #adulting #I checked off on 14 out of 15

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sogeumuniversity · 7 years

Photo

congratulations, byun baekhyun!

you have been accepted to sogeum university as a JUNIOR in our MUSIC AND PERFORMANCE AND THEATER ARTS programs. as for residence, you have been automatically placed in ROOM #203 in HON HALL.

we are very excited to have you as part of our program, and are looking forward to seeing you soon! if you have any further questions or concerns, you may contact either of our deans at any point. take this moment to again make sure only “friends of friends” may add you, and also ensure everything else is private. also be sure to add us up within at least 48 hours. thank you again for choosing our school! (we will be messaging you shortly with our URLs).

birthdate: may 6th, 1992 clubs/teams: film appreciation club job/occupation: -

what made you choose your (muse’s) major?:

- It was hardly a surprise that Baekhyun, at sixteen, when the next semester rolled around and he was barely passing most of his courses - he’d skipped class for his parties, left his homework undone and was a mess in general; gone was the happy, smiling Baekhyun, the same one everyone had come to know and adore. The rest of the year quickly flew by in much the same fashion, and despite already having been cornered by a desperate, fuming mother, he paid her no heed and kept up his habits: coming home late, possibly already hammered as he stumbled through the door, hair and clothes reeking of smoke - and then he’d wake up the next day just to repeat the process over again. One thing he did find, though, was his growing interest in music, especially when it came to his voice; he’d found out one day when he’d auditioned for his school musical and got the lead role- much to the judges and his own surprise.

That might have been a significant stepping stone in his life; maybe an attempt to do something useful with his empty days spent at school, but aside from practices and rehearsals he didn’t care much for anything else, only getting drunk, getting high, and having sex in any random corner he happened to be; whether it be a quick blowjob by the corner store or messy intercourse in the car– he’d be there. Past the knowledge of his friends, though, Baekhyun had taken another set of vocal lessons on the side, ones he would drop by after school and it was undeniable the pounding adrenaline in his system whenever he opened his mouth was so much more than just nerves. He trained hard, finished their musical with flying colours, but when senior year came around and he was still floating along the bottom ranks of the class, his mother saw no other solution than to send him off to where she hoped he’d find change - she’d given up on trying to control him, anyway - and with the last bit of her money enrolled him into Korea’s best – Sogeum University.

Baekhyun himself was eager for a fresh start anyway, and he saw this the perfect opportunity; he could do what he loved under their prestigious programs, away from the rest of the world and in a place where he knew he was amongst his own. Furthermore, that didn’t stop his promiscuous nor his obnoxious ways, and the male quickly landed himself reputation as the campus slut; people asked for “favours” left and right and he just took them as they came. He was good at what he did, he knew; after all what little dignity he had was long gone and this way, with a little bit of learned manipulation, he could get whatever he needed with the simple exchange of sex. Some turned out too rough, some too inexperienced and who didn’t have the guts to return the favour, but at the end of the day it all boiled down to the same thing: he was pleasuring others and it gave him release at the same time, as long as they didn’t get caught. To this day some love him and others despise him; but when you’re Byun Baekhyun, who the hell cares?

can you describe your (muse’s) childhood?:

- Born and raised in the heart of Seoul, Baekhyun was anything but poor – granted, he wasn’t filthy rich by any means, but his father worked hard for his status in the company and they were well off; comfortable. Little Baek idolized his father to the very core. He worked hard in school, scored at the top of his every class, and eventually graduated middle school with nothing but the top honours of the class. He was the one kid with his nose constantly buried in a book; the one kid who knew practically the entire grade and had more friends than he could count, and the one kid who had gifts and shy confessions of love in the form of handwritten letters spilling from his locker. You could say he had it all, really. And no matter how many times Baekhyun had to politely decline the next person who came around asking for a date, he was still loved; admired; respected. Yearbook pages were filled, friendships were formed and an endless supply of memories were sealed behind knowing eyes; tucked away in beating hearts.

Come freshman year, though, everything came crashing down as quickly as it had up. Baekhyun’s mid-air bliss was cut short the same year his father decided to walk out on them, leaving his mother devastated and on the brink of depression. He felt betrayed; worthless, even– things turned sour between him and his mother and Baekhyun just didn’t know how to cope anymore. He became a dark, closed off individual and pushed all his old friends away, but an attractive being like him wasn’t fit for loneliness; it couldn’t last long when others were always watching him from some corner; always waiting for him to fall. He quickly befriended a new group of people– the very ones his old friends had told him to stay away from, but at this point he could care less. Parties came about every weekend, and of course along with heavy drinking, smoking, and an influx of the same kinds of people surrounding him. He gave in, of course; this became his coping mechanism and for as long as it lasted, he was going to enjoy it; he was going to let himself go.

Something seemed to change in him, if only just briefly, when one day at the club he met someone – he was an older guy, three years on Baekhyun’s measly sixteen at the time. He treated the younger with only the nicest of things, words sweeter than sugar and after a while, Baekhyun believed he’d fallen in love. The older male made him feel special; made him forget just how easily his father had left him and left Baekhyun’s heart fluttering with seemingly innocent promises of forever. He readily agreed when the other officially asked him to be his, of course, and for a while, Baekhyun believed he was alright, that this was going to be enough. It was just another two months when he walked into the small apartment of the older boy, having received a text telling him to join him for dinner for their anniversary that night. And he’d excitedly dressed himself that evening, a small gift and a bottle of wine in hand when he waltzed past the open door– only to find clothes littered across the floor and into the bedroom, where he saw the one thing that would ruin him forever. There his boyfriend was, naked in bed with another woman– and sensing Baekhyun’s presence, turned around with a sneer, the most disgusting of smirks at his lips as he hissed “You thought I loved you? Silly child, don’t you know the rules of the game? Love– what a joke. Get the hell out of my sight.”

Needless to say, that was all it took for Baekhyun to throw a screaming fit as he stormed out the door, tears streaming down his face, bottle forgotten and smashed just before he stumbled blindly into the nearby bar. He was crushed; broken; hurt beyond imagination. His boyfriend had been his everything; his first kiss, his first love, even his first time… when the elder had laid him into bed and made sweet love to him; whispered gentle nothings into his ear and told Baekhyun he was beautiful. That night he drowned everything in alcohol, despite throwing up twice, and carelessly offered himself to anyone who seemed interested enough, which, obviously, was not hard to do for a young and pretty one like him. He gave up everything, determined to make his ex see and prove just how great he could be without him; that he would fare just fine without love.

how would you describe your (muse’s) personality?:

- Sarcasm, sass, and defiance were all simply the rules to play by in one Byun Baekhyun’s book. Figurative book, of course- because Byun Baekhyun did not read, no– reading was for losers and Byun Baekhyun was not a loser in any sense of the term. He supposed he could blame the model in him, or maybe even the singer, for his big mouth and unsettling penchant for snark following his every second word, but he embraced it all the same and did not shed repentance whether one liked it or not. Baekhyun wasn’t an asshole, per se; he just happened to… condone self-confidence. Dark, raven locks framed equally dark orbs and a milky complexion made for the sole visuals of every girl’s dream – and as loud and obnoxious as he was known to be, both girls and boys were flocking at his heels, craving for another taste; hungering for just a glance of the campus beauty, high and proud in his own little world of self-actualization.

And, contrary to popular belief, Baekhyun had his own accepting circle of friends, too- some were quite like him (perhaps not quite so extravagant) but like him nonetheless; and others were quieter, more reserved, but he considered them his friends and friends were always more important than himself. Always. Yes, overbearing, high-maintenance little Baek had a heart softer than a pad of warm maple butter (and a voice smoother than blueberry syrup on cheesecake, but that’s a different story altogether-) but get on his bad side, and he’d just about considered you dead.

Beware of the dog, but watch out for the cat, too.

#byun baekhyun #baekhyun #exo #krp #kpop rp #sg accept

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