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sgt-morgan · 2 years

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Robin Bites Back 🖤

Summary: Meet the Robinsons but with Fuck words and Vigilantes. You’re gonna love it.

Warnings: AFAB and female identifying reader, Mentions of g!ns, Cannon typical violence, crude language, probably blasphemy, illusions to sexy times, Matt’s dangerously beautiful ass, Deadpool. You get the drill.

A/N: here’s hoping tomorrow we have a little more Matt in our lives. If not imma blow a goddamn gasket.

Pt. 1 Guessing Game.

Pt. 3 The Test

DD Masterlist

Matt knew you finding out about his being Daredevil could only cause trouble. There was no other way around it. You knowing had been trouble of the highest order, and you find newer, weirder, ways to prove it every day. Trouble of the highest order. Your jokes only got worse and more frequent, but when you meet all his vigilante friends, putting them in their place seemed to be your new favorite pastime. You first proved it with Spider-Man.

Stumbling in at four AM should mean waking you, but for some reason, you were awake. If he had to guess, you were reading over court documents that he told you needed reading three months ago, and you were just now reading them, but that didn’t matter. Matt could smell the sleep on your skin, the melatonin your body was producing changing your normal functions just enough to give him a sense of your sheer exhaustion. your tiny cold shivers even though the apartment was fairly warm, your tear stained cheeks from yawning, your glacial typing speed, the signs radiated from where you sat. You smelled of him, his shampoo and body wash, his shirt he wore to laze around the apartment yesterday, your deodorant and perfume that you always insisted on wearing at all times, it screamed of comfort, a radiating beacon of calm nestled into his couch and all he wanted to do was bury himself in it. Instead, he carried with him a half dead Spider-Man and an open wound you were gonna probably need to stitch. They had just finished stopping a robbery at a butcher in the seedy end of Hell’s Kitchen, but they hadn’t managed to catch the bad guy, who was insanely good with a knife. He roughed them up pretty bad, and this is how they appeared to you after that fight.

“Well holy shit!” You cried out when you noticed them, clutching your chest, shocked. Your heart rate had skyrocketed, you were blushing, and your blanket had fallen to the ground. So, if Matt knew you like he thought, It wasn’t the fact that he was injured, or that Spider-Man was injured either he presumed, it was probably because you were- “I’m like… half naked, so if your little vigilante buddy doesn’t have your same proclivities, I’m gonna put on pants and brb.”

“I’m sorry!” Peter groaned and smacked a hand over his eyes. Matt dropped him on the couch and flung his mask in the general direction of his trunk.

“Don’t apologize, Matt is always-“ you paused, registering Peter’s tone of voice, his countenance that you hadn’t really picked up on before. “Oh my god. Matthew Michael Murdock, is that a fucking child?” Matt cringed and he could feel Peter do the same.

“Uh… no?” Matt tried, knowing that there would be no way to fool you into belief that Peter was a big boy superhero, who could lift a truck with ease if he wanted, now to you he was a tiny little baby who you would attempt to adopt like a stray cat.

“You’re a shit liar, and your whole life depends on it.” She grumbled grumpily, and Matt smiled even though he should be irritated. He was in fact, not a shit liar, you were just really good at reading him, and it gave him some sort of warm fuzzy feeling in his chest.

“No ma’am, he’s not lying! I just turned 18!” Peter tried to butt in helpfully, but he really was only making it worse. You groaned and Matt winced.

“This is so wrong. You, spider boy, take your hand off your face, you’re bleeding there and we got no idea where your hands have been.” You barked, pulling a first aid kit from under your sink and marching to the couch. “Move sexy, you’re next.” You said smacking his ass and making Peter giggle. He rolled his sightless eyes again, and went to the bedroom looking to shower and change while you sorted out first aid and clothing for Peter, he was starting to realize that you were totally gonna adopt the kid, and he wasn’t ready to be a vigilante father. A shower would help him organize a strategy to get you to back off, but he also forgets that you’re a lawyer too. Should have given up while he was ahead. By the time he got out, Peter had his head in your lap and was laughing through a wince as you stitched up a cut near his hairline.

“So, you recognized him bec-“ he was cut off by you snipping the last of the thread and gesticulating wildly.

“Listen kid, that ass don’t quit! Wether it’s jeans, a dress suit, the devil suit, the black suit, the new one, and god help me if he’s in his stupid silk boxers, it’s like a homing beacon. Round, perfect, and don’t get me started on his thi-“

“Baby! He’s 18!” Matt blushed and Peter only laughed harder.

“Yeah, and I’m teaching art history, Martholomew! High schoolers are all about that shit!” You tapped twice gently on the table, giving him your little winking signal to tell him you’re joking, it instantly made him smile. Everyone has a gift, yours just so happens to be cutting tension.

When you were in court, that smart mouth and keen wit of yours was a killer weapon, often winning you many a case, but when you used it to talk people out of their gloom, it was a beautiful bloom of spring, and Matt was thrilled to be the one that got to hear your musings on a regular basis. You made the smallest of phrases poetry, the finest of details something so titular to a sentence he forgets exactly where your point began and his ended. You were a true wordsmith. He loved it even more when you became a real comedian with those talents, only you having the ability to pull from him such belly laughs that left him in tears for hours from just one off handed joke you barely thought about. Your mind fascinated him, and he hoped to spend his whole life exploring its depths. Right now though? Right now he needed you to stop telling the boy wonder about how hot his thighs were.

“Our father in heaven woman-“ Matt grumbled and you gasped.

“Mattnelius!” You smacked a hand over your moth and chest. “That sounded very close to Blasphemy! And with a child present! You should be ashamed! I’m so sorry for his behavior Peter! Go shower, I’ll find you clothes.” You patted his arm and shooed him from your lap.

“No it’s okay, I’ll ju-“

“Baby we can’t-“

“Boys, I swear to fucking god if you don’t do what I tell you right now I’ll call Foggy, and that girlfriend of yours!” Matt and Peter both straightened up immediately. Peter rushed to the bathroom with a squeaked ‘Yes ma’am!’ and Matt sat next to you with his wound exposed. He sat in silence as you stitched his cut closed, fidgeting with his fingers.

“Honey, he’s not a cat we can’t just-“

“Mathew Michael Murdock, if you say I can’t keep Peter I will go work for Landman and Zach so fast it’ll make your head spin. Now, go get the extra sheets and pillow for the couch while I find the kid some clothes. That’s an order Batman, before Robin goes Jason Fuckin Todd.” You snapped and kissed his cheek aggressively.

“Yes dear.”

The next person you met was Frank Castle, and it was… something. Matt can confidently say that this one was the meeting he was most dreading, it wasn’t like their meeting was ever a good thing, so why would he expect him meeting you would go any better.

Frank was in town hunting down a terrible criminal, Matt knew that. Matt also knew that when Frank hunts somebody down, it’s usually quite explosive. What he didn’t expect, was for his mark to be your client. That client so happens to be the Butcher who’s shop he and Spider-Man stopped someone from robbing. Now that he thinks about it, it was probably Frank. Which means that Butcher probably wanted to eat your liver with a side of Fava beans and a nice Chianti. Yuck. He heard over the police scanner that shots had been fired in the vicinity of the offices of Nelson, Paige, and Murdock as he was out patrolling, and he remembered you saying earlier that you needed to sign and print some paperwork to get back to the judge on your current case. So when a description approximating Frank Castle then came through over the scanner, he booked it to the office. He vaulted in through the window, and there was your client, unconscious in your office, with a bullet wound. Matt would have expected you to be shook up about the whole thing, but instead he heard a shouting match go down.

“No you asshole, I didn’t know he is a fucking serial killer! I’m not omnipotent! Why don’t YOU tell ME what the fuck is going on, because APPARENTLY you LOVE playing God! I mean seriously Castle, what in the name of John Wayne do you think you’re doing? This isn’t the Good the Bad and the goddamn Ugly! You can’t just judge, jury, executioner someone in my goddamn office! Now there’s a fucking bloodstain on my rug, and I’m gonna have to talk to cops! I’m a lawyer and I’m dating a Vigilante Frank, I fuckin hate cops!” Frank’s heart was thudding at an unnatural pace, and he was rooted in place. He was terrified of his tiny girlfriend, and honestly it was hysterical. He couldn’t help but giggle.

“What the fuck Red?” He growled out as Matt stepped over to the unconscious man and proceeded to stop the blood flow so the man didn’t actually bleed out. “Why did you let your girl take him on as a client, are you fucking insane?”

“No, Castle we didn’t kn-“

“IM FUCKING SORRY? Did you just call Matt crazy? Didn’t you shoot him in the fucking head when you first met him?” She fumed and there was an electrical zapping sound, and he felt Frank flinch away from youu. That’s when he noticed that the burnt flesh smell wasn’t coming from the Serial killer, it was coming from-

“I’m sorry, but baby, did you tase Frank!?” He laughed.

“Yeah, that’s why the fucking riddler here isn’t dead!” You huffed, kicking the now groaning criminal in the head to knock him back out. “I don’t have the time to fill out the goddam paperwork! Now take your buddy Deadshot here, and get the hell out.” You grumble and pick up your phone.

“What are you doing?” Matt tilted his head as you dialed 911.

“Calling the cops Mathew, if I don’t, it’ll look suspicious, and I don’t really want to go in for questioning for my involvement in the murder of an ex client!” You growled, throwing a stapler at Frank that he caught with ease and placed on a filing cabinet.

“Ok Castle, let’s go” Matt grabbed his arm and forced him up the fire escape to the roof of the building.

“No fucking way, I’m going back and-“ He started, but you had just hung up the phone.

“If you don’t get out now, I’ll hand you to the police my godDAMN self, and I’ll make sure I tase you unconscious if I have to lock DD in a closet to do it!” She half shouted, Matt couldn’t see it, but he just knew Frank stood there and glared menacingly. Or well, he did until you flashed your taser at him again.

“FUCK! FINE!” He flinched, crawling out the window.

“Have I told you I love you lately?” Matt grinned, pulling you to him with a sweet kiss.

“No, in fact, you have not.” She huffed and pushed him towards the window. You didn’t have to have super senses to hear the cops pounding up the stairs to your floor. “You owe me Batman, now get out.”

Matt meandered his way to the roof, where Frank was still mumbling and pacing watching his target being loaded into an ambulance while handcuffed to the stretcher.

“Now he’s gonna get a cushy fucking hospital stay, when he could be dead.” Frank grumbled, swiping a hand down his face. “I’ll tell you what though, that old lady of yours? She’s…”

“A keeper? Crazy? Super hot? Yeah,” Matt nodded, crouching on a ledge to hear you and the officers better. You were fake crying, he grinned, you were amazing. “I know.”

“Yeah, that. Seriously though, that taser hurt like a bitch. She’s wild.” He shook his head with a chuckle. “Real set of balls your girl. Tell her I said thanks, and if she gets in my way again I’ll-“

“You’ll what, get tased again? Because sure as fuck aren’t killing me!” She laughed from behind them and Frank flinched. “Now get the hell off my roof, do you need first aid?” When he shook his head no, she reached in her pocket and pulled out a gun.

“It was under my desk, be glad I saw it before they came in. I swear to God Murdock, if you say anything you’re sleeping on the couch.” She grumbled and stomped downstairs.

“Jesus red, she’s a-“

“Goodbye Frank!” Matt laughed, rushing towards a robbery happening two miles away.

Two weeks later had been kidnapped by vampires, and it had everything to do with, you guessed it, that serial killer cannibal you got arrested. Yes, Vampires, Matt could hardly fathom that outcome, let alone take on an army of the undead with just his blind ass and a 17 year old. So, Spider-Man called in the troops. Since everyone loved Peter, and everyone was curious about the woman who tased Frank Castle and lived to tell the tale, they all decided to be helpful without being dicks and Matt was truly grateful. He forgot though, that just because they behaved didn’t mean you would.

You were honestly ok, sure, you were surrounded by a bunch of people calling themselves the hand, there were fucking Vampires apparently, and they kept referring to Matt’s super hot and tragic dead ex girlfriend, but you could handle all that. What you couldn’t handle, was that you had to be in court to plead a very big fucking case that could actually earn you money, and you’re stuck HERE! Damn it all to hell, you told Mathew that the vigilante shit was fine if it didn’t fuck with your day job and now here you were, letting it fuck with YOUR day job. What a bummer. Then came the drugs.

Your mouth can only get you out of so much, and unfortunately, these ninjas were entirely unwilling to speak to the Deposition before risking your drug tests for work. At least they were fun drugs! Clearly, they were going to try and knock you out, but your lovely boyfriends buddies reached you before you got enough in your system to make you pass out. So, instead, you were subjected to very vivid and colorful fight sequences, like your brain was trying to put you in a Tarantino film without all the feet. It was Moonknight who removed the IV, and once he did, he was immediately shot three times, but instead of dying bloodied and broken in your lap like you thought he would, he got back up and kept fighting, the bullets falling to the ground as he went. He kept swirling and smashing heads, ridding the room you were in of Vampires and attempting to free you in the meantime, in moments of downtime you got to introduce yourself a bit.

“Shit dude, you’re like… invincible. DD, has gotta learn that one.” You laughed.

Moonknight cocked his head in your direction and you smiled with a nod. “Sorry I haven’t got you free yet hermosa! Little busy, but when I free up you’re Prioridad número uno!”

“Spanish? Cool, and no worries MoonBoy you keep doing the thing, I can wait. I’m not helpful at the moment anyway, can’t stand and WOAH! You can pull a knife from your chest!? Badass! Devilman needs to know the name of your suit guy.” You gasp as he pulls moondarts from the suit and starts slashing.

“Bueno, yeah, you’re definitely la novia then. My suit guy is an Egyptian god so I’m not thinking he’d like that Hermosa.” He winked and you laughed.

“Ooh cool, so you’re a pagan then? I can dig it.” You nod sagely, though with all the drugs, it doesn’t look it. Jake thinks you look more like a broken bobble head. He can’t help but appreciate the fact you’re not freaking out though, that was impressive.

“No, actually I’m Jewish, or well, Marc is Jewish.” He shrugs, “Same body different people.” He has no goddamn idea why he told you that but your mouth forms an ‘o’ like you get it perfectly and you smile. All the while, Jake is still killing vampires left and right while chaos reigns around them.

“Like the movie with James McAvoy uh… SPLINTER! That’s right, splinter. NO WAIT! SPLIT!” You proclaim with a snap of your fingers. “No wait, that’s probably offensive, that guy in that movie was an asshole. You seem chill. The idea is still there though, multiple people, one brain. Very fun.”

“Si, ¡Exactamente! Damn, nobody has ever gotten it that quick.” He muttered and Steven took over the body, having cleared an opening to get you out of the fray or handed off to the next person.

“Right darling! Let’s get you out that chair here-“ He cut your bonds easily and heaved you to your feet and instantly you almost face planted. “Shite, sorry!” Steven hissed balancing you again, “forgot about the whole being drugged thing!”

“New accent! This must be personality two, Hi personality two!” You smiled and patted his shoulder, missing the first pat but landing the second.

“Yes, it’s Steven, and you just spoke with Jake. Nice to meet you too dear.” He chuckled, throwing you over his shoulder and sprinting towards the stairs. He made it all the way there, slashing and punching and kicking as he went, before he had to set you on the steps to continue smashing heads.

“Sorry sugar, gotta go!” Marc plopped you on the stairs and turned to keep killing vampires.

“That’s ok third person I’m pretty sure is named Marc, I can crawl.” Marc was astounded to see you start taking the stairs on all fours, wandering towards the next vigilante that would inevitably pick you up and move you down the line. Daredevil said you were tough, but knowing and following an abstract objective while stoned wasn’t exactly what he was expecting.

“Goodbye I guess, don’t die.” Marc grumbled and nailed a vampire between the eyes with a moon dart making a wet thud as it struck home.

You, still off your ass on whatever they gave you, crawled slowly up the stairs. You flinched as bodies flew past your head and made sickening thuds on the stairs. “Oof, that had to hurt.” You muttered as one dude hit a railing hard enough to break his spine. Then, two doc martens thudded into your line of site and you looked up, very nervous. “Please don’t be a villain, please don’t be a villain, please don’t be a villain…” you slowly follow the length of the legs and are relieved to see, “Jessica Jones!”

“Hello.” She smirked, and reached down with one hand, snatching you up by the collar and setting you on your feet. “You look like hell, I know all about that.”

“Hey Jess- wow you’re strong as fuck, kinda hot!- please don’t wait no-“ she let go and your knees buckled, you started to fall and you felt a hand reach out and hold you up. You looked to see that that hand belonged to Luke Cage and his other hand was lashing out to throw a vampire over the rails of the platform you were on. “Sorry! I got drugged and I’m not so ready to use my legs yet.” You sighed flopping your head down to stare at your useless, traitorous, appendages.

“S’fine.” Luke said, shoving you away from the fray so you just flop into Jessica’s waiting arms again.

“Horn head said you were chill, but not freakin out while we all fight vampires and you’re on drugs… that’s pretty badass.” Jessica mutters, quickly shoving you back to Luke as she throws a wooden board through a man’s chest. You spark with pride at her compliment. Jessica Jones, super powered PI is impressed by your level headedness. Sick.

“Thanks Jones, your pretty cool yourself. ON YOUR SIX!” You yell and Jessica tosses you to Luke, taking out the scary vampire that almost chewed her face off.

“Thanks for looking out.” Luke grunts catching you under one arms and smoothly pushing you to sit on the wall behind him.

“No worries Mr. Cage!” You mumble. He throws the last two vampires in his way over the rails and then sits next to you to watch Jessica work.

“We’re past formalities, call me Luke.” He stretched his hand out and you just stared at it, limbs still numb. You feel like Westley after Miracle Max brought him back from being mostly dead. It was exhausting.

“God, sorry, I would? But it’s not gonna work right now.” You sigh, Luke nods and puts his hand down, staring at Jess once again. “God, you look like a love sick puppy. You good there?” You flop your head in his direction and he nods.

“Yeah, I just. You guys make it work, why can’t we?” He shakes his head and gestures at Jess and you are bamboozled. Really? Relationship troubles? You’re fighting Vampires, this is life or goddamn death here, the Dr.Phil shit can wait…. Then you think, you know what? Fuck it. You kinda get it. There’s something about an apocalypse that makes people question their lives.

“Can I be honest?” You’re not slurring every other word now, so it must be wearing off. “Matt and I work because we communicate. Now, if I understand Jessica like I think I do from Matt’s stories of her, she is like trying to talk to an errupting volcano. Explosive, hot, and rapidly cooling to immovable rock. You gotta figure out how to be volcano proof. That seems like an impossible task, believe me, I get it. Getting Matt to communicate was like trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle. Hah, bible reference, I gotta remember to tell that one to Foggy. Sorry, not helpful. All this to say, I learned that it’s not hard to pass a camel through the needle, if you make it big and obvious, and unable to over look. It works even better if there’s an oasis on the other side, if you catch my drift, but it’s not impossible, just incredibly inconvenient.” You then pat Luke’s shoulder and nod him back over to his lady love, who was kicking major ass.

Luke processed your words with a nod, honestly? The advice wasn’t bad, it was weird, but accurate. Maybe Matt’s crazy girlfriend was right. Eye of a needle? He could work with that. Then he decided to help Jess before she shoved the needle up his ass for leaving her stranded.

You continued to crawl your way through the chaos, watching the various vigilantes do their various duties around you. The next run in was with Danny Rand. You could tell he was annoying from the jump.

“Hello, can I help?” Danny reached out his glowing fist and punched a vampire through a wall (which was cool), then hoisted you to your feet. “I’m Danny Rand, The Immortal Iron Fist, defender of K’un-Lun, Master of-“ Then you shoved him out of the way of a vampire who wanted to cut his speech super short by putting him in an early grave.

You groaned, “Jesus that was close, you’re mouthy, no offense, I am too. Can I be honest? I’m on a lot of drugs, we’re in a life or death battle with magic vampires, and it’s hard to concentrate when you keep saying shit nobody understands. Learn to shut the hell up. Cool glow hand though, you seem nice. Promise I’ll be less of a bitch when we meet again.” You promptly reached your hands above your head in a grabby motion and let Peter swing you to a balcony nobody could access, you let him set you up with his backpack, which apparently had water in it, and you sat and waited for the battle to be over.

You watched the various hero’s fight, and you were honestly impressed. Now out of harms way, you could truly appreciate how fucking cool your boyfriend was. All the people around him had crazy super powers. A dude who can’t die, a kid that can climb walls, two people with super human strength, and a guy that had a magic glow stick for a fist. All those powers, and your boyfriend still chose to go kick as much ass, if not more, than they were. It was kinda hot, no, let’s be honest. It was very hot. Eventually everyone stopped fighting, Vampires dispatched, regular humans headed to jail, etc. you watched as Matt visibly began to tense again, the panic hitting when he remembered he hadn’t talked to you yet.

“I’m up here baby.” You muttered, rolling your eyes at your lack of ability to help, tapping the metal railing to give him an accurate location. Then he began scaling shelves and running towards you at top speed. “Hey, I’m drugged up, I can’t move. I’m totally numb.” You huff. “It’s ok though, it’s working it’s way out of me but I got no idea what it is.” He bundles you into his arms, and you breath him in, leather and cinnamon, your favorite.

“Oh thank god.” He grumbles burying his face in your hair as you finally manage to flop your arms around his neck. He stood and slung you onto his back, climbing down to where all the other vigilantes stood below you waiting on Matt. “Sweetheart did you meet-“

“Yup! Moonman, not a pagan, is secretly three people, can’t die.” You began pointing them out in turn, “Jess, PI, super strength, super hot. Luke, Bar owner, super strength, needs to work out his love issues. One punch man, glow hand, talks too much. Spidey, my baby, stray cat energy.” You nodded, drug induced loose lips be damned, you were proud of yourself. The vigilantes giggled at their descriptions in turn, even Danny found humor in your little rant. “Did I get em all?”

“Yeah baby, that’s everyone.” Matt laughed, kissing your head and giggling into your hair.

“She still hasn’t met Deadpool!” Danny shrugged, and Matt went rigid.

“Iron Fist, you gotta learn to keep your trap shut.” Matt mumbled.

“Oh god, them in a room would be torture.” Jess groaned.

“I don’t know, I quite like the idea. Sounds like a gas.” Steven shrugged in the Mr. knight suit.

“Sorry DD.” Danny grumbled.

“Oh, He has to meet Robin DD.” Spider-Man chuckled.

“Robin?” Jessica questions, looking at Spider-Man with one unwavering raised brow.

“We call her Robin, because the first time she met DD and figured out his identity, she told him that if she had known sooner she could have been the Robin to his Batman.” Peter grinned and looked at the still giggling couple that was attempting to patch each other’s wounds while denying they needed help, you know, like self righteous vigilantes.

“Ah,‘that’s adorable.” Steven muttered, tying up hostages and making sure their undead friends were gonna stay down this time.

“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet.” Luke nodded, helping Danny drag a mountain of a man to a corner while Jessica and Peter catalogued all of the chemical materials and evidence they could with their Cameras.

“She said I was mouthy.” Danny pouted, and all of the other hero’s in the room dissolved into laughter.

You two were lightly bickering back and fourth as they continued with cleanup and waited for their hostage to wake for interigation.

“DD, I’m fine.” you groan again as he feels at the wounds on your hand and forehead. He knows what you’re saying, but he can’t help but take in your racing heartbeat, the slight stench of fear, the terror trembling off you in waves. You put up a great front, and in the heat of the moment you’re a force to be reckoned with, but now that it’s all over, Matt can tell that leaving you alone while he does his duties to the city would be a grave mistake.

“I know! I know. I’m just-“ he fretted and you cut him off, but subtly clutch his hand tighter.

“You’re just full of nervous energy and ready to beat that guy you need answers from to a pulp. I get it. Go.” You roll your eyes fondly and stand, Matt holding out his arms to catch you as if you were a three year old just learning to walk, and you wobble immediately sinking back to the ground and leaning against the wall. The drugs haven’t fully left your system, it’s clearing up, but it’s not gone yet.

“No. Not while you’re injured, it will have to wait till Peter or Jess can take you ho-“ then his whole body tensed and his nose scrunched as if something just hit his senses with a crowbar and a man in a red and black morph suit—No shock there—with two Katanas and a gun busts into the now relatively calm warehouse.

“Alright! Who do I gotta kill. Point me in the way of Nosferatu, Daddy has some silver bullets and a deer park bottle of holy water, and I’m ready to interview with a vampire this bitch!” He stands, one katana and a bottle of water with a crudely drawn cross on it raised in presentation, at the entrance to the warehouse. When he comes in, He is the most absurd thing you’ve seen all evening, and there’s a guy with a glowing fist in the building. You all pause for a moment just staring at this absurd display of ineptitude, but Matt senses Deadpool assessing the situation, taking it all in, and Matt senses him shift his attention to you, and his muscles relax a bit and a grin stretched the terrible deformed muscle at his mouth, causing his skin to creak. Then, as Matt suspected, you are instantly thrown into fits of giggles. Your in full blown belly laughs, he can hear the way you struggle to breathe through your laughter, senses your abdominal muscles contracting, he can smell the salt of your tears as they run down your face, and for a moment he forgives the lunacy of Wade Wilson, and appreciates just how wonderful it is to hear the sweet sound of your laughter. He is thankful for the subtle loss of tension in your shoulders that Wade has so easily caused, just by being him. Then he smells old enchiladas, stale blood, and gunpowder and is reminded all over again why it is he avoids Deadpool at all costs. He’s an assault on the senses, and he’s a dumbass. If that weren’t reason enough, the man is hardly ever on the right side of the law, or decency, and to top it all off, he’s really fucking annoying. However, in this moment, Wade is sending clear signals that he is ready and willing to be his ally. Maybe Matt would need to rethink his stance on the Mirk with a Mouth.

“Fuck me, I haven’t laughed that hard in a while, and I just met a guy whose superpower is that he punches real good with just one fist.” You giggle into Matt’s ear and he can’t help but chuckle a bit as well, using this as an excuse to bury his nose in your hair, attempting to cover up the stench of Deadpool’s disgusting suit. “Who the hell are you, and how do we become friends? Also, they fuck the vampires in interview with a vampire, they don’t kill them. You’re thinking of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.” You laugh brightly and thrust you’d hand out to be shaken. Matt resists the urge to smack that hand away from the bacteria infested glove, but is genuinely thrilled to hear the rustle of a glove being pulled from a hand as Deadpool receives your handshake.

“Well that’s easy pretty lady, you don’t fuck with me and I, won’t fuck with you. So are you the crazy bitch who tased Frank Castle or is DD here in for a few million Hail Marys?” Matt is baffled. Honestly, he is. Deadpool came in ready for a fight, and in a need for ardent chaos, and he was actually startled at how collected and calm he was in bantering back and forth with you. Totally at his ease in the steady, witty banter. It’s like you had stopped him in his tracks. Matt kept a close ear on your conversation as he began to help the rest of the group.

“So does he wear the horns when you do the deed, or do they only come out for birthdays and anniversaries?” Deadpool sits cross legged beside you, which is when Wade silently shoos him away. Why should he deal with all the boring stuff when there was a beautiful and interesting woman he could be talking to.

“Oh Mr.Pool, a lady never sucks and tells, but that Mask is pretty hot. The suit does nothing for his ass though.” You scrunch your nose and shake your head, and Wade snorts a laugh while Matt walks away to go deal with the rest of the group.

“He got a nice ass under all that pleather?” Wade huffs.

“Like you wouldn’t BELIEVE man. He’s honestly the sexiest man I know.” Matt shakes his head at your ardent praise with a big silly grin, and Jess bumps her shoulder with his with a breathy chuckle, handing him an unknown chemical for him to identify.

“Well, you’re in the company of absolute beauty now, you wouldn’t even believe how hot I am under here.” Matt can hear Spider-Man chuckling now and shaking his head, and he hears Moonknight mumble about what a lie that was.

“Oh really? Well, secret identities be damned, let’s get a peek at that face huh?” You laugh, and Matt hears the rustling of Fabric as Wade pulls off his mask. He can hear Danny hiss and feel Luke cringe as Wade’s face is revealed. He notes with pride that you never flinch.

“Oh god, Ha! You look like an Orc’s terrible premature love child with the corpse of Ryan Reynolds.” You laugh for a second, then stop when you realize Wade is staring at you slack jawed. “Oh! I’m sorry was that rud-“ you begin to fret, but Wade cyst you off with a boisterous laugh of his own.

“That is the funniest shit I’ve heard all day.”

You and Wade kept up the conversation, while the others began to clean up and categorize evidence. When it came to Vampires and the supernatural, the police were no help so the whole of Justice squarely rests on those who had the power to handle it. They were all biding their time and waiting on their hostage, they had officially gotten everything squared away, Spider-Man had called SHEILD to dispose of the Vampires, and now they sat in comfortable conversation, waiting for backup. When Matt began to hear their hostage stir, he alerted the others, and then they Started bickering over who should do what. It was getting pretty heated until you spoke with a finality that meant business.

“No! Webs can take me home, Moonknight and DD can handle the interrogation, Deadpool and Iron Fist can wipe out any stragglers (because I’m pretty sure some of them are playing dead.), Jess and Luke can handle shield, and then the spiderling can swing back here to help you finish the mission.” Your instructions were met with whining and protest (except for Matt, who knew better than to argue when you meant business), but you weren’t having it. “Oh! I’m fucking sorry, did I ask for all the whining? Or are you all a big group of superpower wielding toddlers!?” You snapped and everyone looked either impressed or properly chastened.

“No you’re right.”

“I guess we can-”

“I’ll get to use my holy water after all!” Came the murmur of replies.

“Good, now hop to it. Take me home spider boy!” You reach your arms out to Peter and he swings you up and out of the building leaving the rest of the hero’s to their own devices. About forty five minutes later, Peter comes back as they plan out what to do about the rest of the vampire problem, and what next steps need to be taken to solve it. All in all, it takes about two hours for Matt to make his way back to you, and when he does, you’re fast asleep. The shield agents reassured him that you just needed to sleep off whatever they gave you, and his other vigilante associates all complimented him on having an amazing girlfriend. His chest was swelling with Pride over how well you took things, and how much they admired you. You truly were an amazing woman.

You were sleeping so peacefully, Matt almost elected to take the couch so he wouldn’t risk waking you. He changed, and decided you would be more mad if he didn’t come to bed. He slips in next to you and preens when you wrap an arm around his waist and sling a leg over his hips. He nuzzles into your hair and cuddles you close, grinning at how wonderful you are to be lying there next to him. “Hi Angel, you ok?”

“Yeah Matty, ‘m fine. Just sleepy s’all.” You yawn so hard your eyes water, and Matt ‘awes’ placing a soft kiss to your crown.

“Well I’d say so, it’s not easy being Robin.” He huffs a laugh and you kiss him just below his collar bone.

“Oh yeah, I’m tough shit, might just graduate to Nightwing.” You mumble.

“Sure, sweetheart, whatever you want.” Then you mumble something into his chest he doesn’t quite catch, and he asks you to repeat yourself.

“Nah, I’ll stay Robin, I could never ditch my Batman, I love him too much.” Matt’s heart swells to bursting and he almost tears up at the weirdly sweet sentiment.

“I love you too Robin, I love you too.”

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