#ive worked on this for months years decades

[kellyscowboy]

꒰✧ᯇ✦꒱ OUTLAWS OF SANTA FE

ᯇ summary ! ✦ “You know what they say about cowboys who brag too loud about their women.” He sniffed and rubbed his nose. Jack gave a mock laugh. “Anyone in town would tell you I’m not queer. ‘Specially the ladies who pass through. Who do you think you are, anyway?” As the boy pushed his hat out of his face, he made direct eye-contact with the outlaw. "I think I'm the fella that can send the ‘famous’ Jack Kelly home crying to his mama." Jack was silent, stunned. His finger was still pressed into the man’s chest, but it had begun to shake. "What now, Cowboy? I'd tell you to take me down like you promised," Deadwood gave a slight shove to Jack’s shoulder, yet he found himself almost toppling over. "But you're too corned to even stand straight." aka the wild westsies au i've had in my drafts forever ᯇ tag list ! ✦ @bound-for-santa-fe ,, @fandomtrashcollector (taglist form is in my pinned post!!) ᯇ warnings ! ✦ cussing, alcohol consumption, violence, use of guns ᯇ vienna's thoughts ! ✦ here are the meanings of the wild west slang words in here:) paintin' his nose - to get drunk corned - drunk fogy - a stupid fellow dynamite - whiskey ANYWAY, i've had this in my drafts for forever and i just wanted to finally finish is so sorry that the ending is really rushed el oh el. also i recommend listening to Billy the Kid by Tex Ritter before reading!! as always, reblogs & comments are always appreciated <333 ALSO READ IT ON AO3 THE PLAYLIST 2883 WORDS © 2023 , 𝐤𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐲𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐰𝐛𝐨𝐲

WANTED Jack ‘Cowboy’ Kelly $1,000.000 REWARD Wanted for robbery, murder, and disruption of the public. Does not attack without motive. Contact Sheriff Charles Morris of Santa Fe, New Mexico.

WANTED The Delancey Brothers $500.000 REWARD Oscar and Morris Delancey are wanted for robbery and attempted murder. Contact Sheriff Charles Morris of Santa Fe, New Mexico.

WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE Deadwood David $5,000.000 REWARD Wanted for robbery and murder, on a large scale. Does not attack without motive. Contact Sheriff Charles Morris of Santa Fe, New Mexico.

A proud cowboy listened to the chatter of customers outside of Spots Shootin' Saddle Saloon. A cocky smirk played at his lips as he pushed through swinging doors. He heard gasps and the sound of multiple pistols being dragged from his holster. Then, the saloon went silent—save for the high-pitched squeak of wet glass being towel dried.

The bartender didn't even spare him a glance. "Well, well. If it ain’t the famous Jack Kelly."

“I could say the same to you, Spot. Lookit you, got yer own saloon and everything.”

One of the saloon boys perked up. "Jack!” The boy gave a half-hearted excuse to the men he was serving, he made up for his departure with a wink. He eagerly made his way behind the bar and began fixing the ex-cowboy a drink. "What brings you into town?"

Jack gratefully took the drink with a tip of his hat. “You’re a good man, Race.” He downed the drink before addressing the question before him. "Can't a lonely cowboy just visit his old friends?"

"Why, sure he could!” Racetrack grinned, already refilling his glass.

“That is, if that's what he was really doing." Spot added quickly. “Besides, can’t really be calling yourself a cowboy anymore. Not when a wanted poster names you an outlaw.”

“I can call myself whatever I please.” The cowboy realized it was a fight not worth fighting. He waved him off and dragged the newly poured whiskey closer. "Howd’ya know it was me?”

Spot laughed. "What, when you walked in? Yer the only fella I know who quiets my saloon like that.”

Racetrack leaned forward against the counter; his arm wrapped lovingly around Spot’s waist. He rested his head in his own hand, his elbow digging into marble, and gave Jack a pointed look. "Not anymore. Say, Jack; you heard of that David feller, yet? He paid us a visit couple’a days ago. Shoot, we didn’t hear much noise in here ‘till the next day!”

Jack's fingers squeezed his glass, before they relaxed and stretched. "Yeah, I've heard of him. Fill 'er up again, would'ya?"

Spot took the glass and kept his gaze on the outlaw whilst he poured the whiskey. He placed it in front of the boy with a thump, then glared at him through narrowed eyes. "What are you really here for, cowboy?"

"Just paintin’ my nose, Spot." Jack pushed away from the bar, drink in hand. He sat down with a boy who was lazily pulling at the strings of his guitar. “Tell me a story, Al."

The boy responded with a toothy grin, then tipped his hat up and out of his eyes. He slowly looked up and made eye contact with the outlaw. “Long time no see, Jackie." He plucked at his guitar more rhythmically than before. "What'cha wanna hear?"

"Why don’t you tell that one about ole Billy the Kid?”

"Only because you're an old friend." Albert chuckled. He took a deep breath before he put on his story-telling voice. His demeanor demanded the attention of those around him, and he always got it when he was performing. "Some folks do a lot of good in the world, that encourages us to do good. A few people start off on the wrong foot - their black deeds serve as a warning post to us. The song I'm gonna to sing for you now, fellers, is about a boy who sorta wandered off the straight and narrow trail, took up a crooked course. As usual with all outlaws, he paid with his life. His name,” a pause, “was Billy the Kid."

His singing was mesmerizing, just like his stories, and everyone in the saloon slowly began to sing along. Some of them absentmindedly hummed along as they gambled, and others gave the man their full attention. They swayed merrily back and forth with each other, their glasses raised to the gods as they hooted and hollered.

"I'll sing you a true song of Billy the Kid. I'll sing of the desperate deeds that he did. Out in New Mexico, long time ago, When a man's only chance was his own forty-four."

While everyone sang along, a boy slipped in through the doors, entirely unnoticed. He whispered to Spot and kept his head hung low. Had he made any noise, it had been covered up by obnoxious singing. The boy pushed a couple of coins across the counter before he slumped farther into his hat.

"When Billy the Kid was a very young lad, In old Silver City, he went to the bad. Way out in the West with a gun in his hand- At the age of twelve years, he killed his first man."

Racetrack wanted to tell Jack about the man at the bar, but Spot had instructed him to keep quiet. He had been told to loosen the outlaw up, and he did just that. Race kept a close eye on Jack’s drink and made sure he never reached the bottom of his glass.

"Fair Mexican maidens play guitars and sing A song about Billy, their boy bandit king. How ere his young man-hood had reached it's sad end, Had a notch on his pistol for twenty-one men."

To say the drinks had loosened him up would be an understatement. Jack pranced around the table­—dragging Racetrack along with him—with his glass raised. The whiskey sloshed over the side and splashed his boots. He jumped atop the tables and managed to gain the attention of all the customers. It wasn’t long before everyone was shouting and throwing their drinks into the air.

"Twas on the same night, when poor Billy died, He said to his friends, 'I'm not satisfied, Twenty-one men I have put bullets through. Sheriff Pat Garrett must make twenty-two."

Jack tried to sing along, but his mouth had other plans. He rambled to Albert, who just smiled as he sang, about his recent affairs. “I could take down the sheriff!” He bragged. “No! I could take down big ol’ Deadwood David… with my eyes closed!” Al shook his head and his eyes flitted quickly to the man at the bar.

"Now this is how Billy the Kid met his fate. The bright moon was shining, the hour was late. Shot down by Pat Garrett, who once was his friend. The young outlaw's life had now come to its end."

“Don’t make promises ya can’t keep, Kelly.” Spot warned with a sigh. Racetrack cocked an eyebrow from his place next to Jack. He raised the pitcher in question, and moved away from the table when Spot shook his head. The cowboy waved off Spot’s warning as the bartender whispered lowly to his customer.

"There's many a man with a face fine and fair, Who starts out in life with a chance to be square. But just like poor Billy, he wanders astray And loses his life in the very same way."

Everyone cheered in unison for the song; although, some might’ve been cheering for their gambling wins. Albert smiled and tipped his hat before he went back to strumming mindlessly at his guitar. A small grin made its way onto his face as Jack drunkenly droned on.

"D’ya hear Spot? Talkin’ bout promises I can't keep!" He scoffed; a drunk burp made its way up his throat. "I mean- Listen, I've got way more kills under my belt than Billy the Kid had got." Jack took a sip of his glass. Race had been filling it with coffee, but he was much too drunk to notice. “He would’ve never died if he was as experienced as me. Besides, this Deadwood guy’s a total poser. I betcha I could take him on with my-” He looked confused for a second. “With my- my eyes closed!”  

“So you’ve said.” Albert shook his head and chuckled. "Anyhow… the song ain’t a challenge, Cowboy. It's a warning. Don’t mess with something that ain’t botherin’ you.”

"You’re starting to sound like my Papaw, Al.” Jack bumped Albert’s shoulder with his cup. “He don’t look good on you. Oh! You know who looked good on me, though? Them gals over in Tombstone.”

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!" He slurred. "I mean, practically a different girl each night. Gorgeous women too. Unlike any lady out in these parts."

An obnoxious scoff came from the boy at the bar. He circled his finger around the rim of his glass as he spoke, his head still down. “I sure ain’t heard any Tombstone ladies bragging on about pirooting with a Jack Kelly.”

All conversation ceased at the boy’s words. The notes on Albert’s guitar suddenly became more dramatic, and Jack would’ve laughed if he wasn’t so offended. Spot let out an exasperated sigh, but the rest of the customers were visibly tense. Every man had a hand on his gun, waiting for a showdown.

Jack turned and stared the boy down. "Maybe you ain't talked to the right ladies.”

"Maybe you just ain’t worth bragging about.” The boy took a sip of his drink. Racetrack let out a short giggle, then nervously ducked under the counter to make a drink that nobody had asked for. “Or, maybe, you ain’t really been with as many ladies as you claim.”

Disgruntled, Jack got up and made his way to the bar. The boy laughed as the outlaw tripped a little over his own feet. Jack grabbed the man by a shoulder and forced him to spin in his chair. He shoved a mean finger into the man’s chest. The man at the bar snickered, his face still covered by his hat.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Huh?”

“You know what they say about cowboys who brag too loud about their women.” He sniffed and rubbed his nose.

Jack gave a mock laugh. “Anyone in town would tell you I’m not queer. ‘Specially the ladies who pass through. Who do you think you are, anyway?”

As the boy pushed his hat out of his face, he made direct eye-contact with the outlaw. "I think I'm the fella that can send the ‘famous’ Jack Kelly home crying to his mama." Jack was silent, stunned. His finger was still pressed into the man’s chest, but it had begun to shake. "What now, Cowboy? I'd tell you to take me down like you promised," Deadwood gave a slight shove to Jack’s shoulder, yet he found himself almost toppling over. "But you're too corned to even stand straight."

Spot cleared his throat. “I won’t have you dunderheads havin’ a showdown in my saloon. Be respectable, boys.”

“There wasn’t gonna be no showdown, anyhow. This feller’s too drunk to do anything. He couldn’t shoot at me even if he had his pistol to my head.” Deadwood flicked a coin to Spot. “Thanks for the dynamite, Spot.” And with that, he proudly walked out of the saloon.

Jack watched the man leave and stood tall with fake pride. After the man was gone, he made a drunken attempt to sit down but instead accepted his place on the floor. Racetrack sighed and raised the outlaw by his armpits before sitting him on a barstool. Spot scoffed as he handed the outlaw a glass of water. “I told you not to make promises you can’t keep, you stubborn ole fogy.”

"I'm fixin' to keep that promise. But right now,” He started to gag, “I think I'm gonna be sick."

“Steady, Izar.” Jack mumbled. “Ain’t too far from here.” His horse neighed, almost as if she was responding to him. She even sighed as he stumbled into her. Jack could almost hear her complain about his recklessness. “I ain’t that drunk, Izar. Honest.”

He led her into the stable behind the Conlon home. “Spot was kind ‘nough to give us a nice little place to stay in for the night.” Jack looked around the stable and flinched at the smell of manure. “Well, he offered to let me stay in the house. But ya know I can’t leave you, mama.”

“Second I heard about you, Jack Kelly, I knew you were insane.” A voice muttered from the corner. “But I never would’a figured you was the type of insane to talk to yourself.”

Jack groaned. “Fuckin’ Spot. He knew you’d be here. Ain’t that right, Deadwood?”

“Yup.”

A tense silence fell over them, but Jack was far too tired (and drunk) to start a fight. He began to take off Izar’s saddle. “I wasn’t talkin’ to myself. I was talking to Izar.” He explained and gestured to his horse. Though, as Deadwood laughed, he realized that wasn’t a much better excuse. “Listen, I don’t feel the need to explain myself to you.”

“Yet here you are. Doing it.” Deadwood snorted as he pulled his hat further over his face. The hay he was laying in enveloped him as he snuggled deeper into it. “Now, I promise not to kill ya if ya promise to shut up.”

Jack grunted in agreement. His intuition screamed at him not to let his guard down, but Izar had already nestled herself into the hay. At that moment, he figured his awful gut feeling was just the whiskey from earlier. Besides, Izar had a good judge of character, most of the time. She curled around Jack as he rested against her, and the two slowly drifted off to sleep, just inches away from one of the deadliest men in the country.

Yelling voices and the sound of cracked wood startled Jack awake. Once he came to his senses, he realized that Izar was no longer behind him. Panic filled his chest and he scrambled to his feet. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he began to barely make out what was happening in the shadows.

Deadwood had a lanky boy pinned beneath him, his pistol to the person’s head. Another boy laid up against the wall of the barn; he was surrounded by splinters and his own blood. His head lolled against his shoulder, the blood from his nose pooled on his leather vest. The boy had a gun in his hand, the safety off and his hand on the trigger.

David lifted the boy underneath him by the collar of his shirt and shoved him against the wall. “I knew you were pathetic, Morris. But going so low as to kill a man in his sleep? We may be outlaws, but we have some sense of morality.” His hand in the Delancey brothers’ shirt tightened as he pushed the boy farther into the wall; Jack could hear the wood cracking beneath him. “And you don’t kill a man’s horse. Not unless you’re too much of a pussy to kill the owner.” Then, he dropped the man to the floor and spit at him.

Morris used a dramatic hand to wipe off his face before he scrambled to his feet. His hands shook as he moved to grab his pistol. “You place a single finger on that gun, and I will break every single one of your fingers-” Deadwood growled and grabbed the boy’s wrist. “One. By. One.”

After he let go of Morris’ wrist, the boy tripped over himself as he picked up his brother. Oscar barely seemed alive; his only sign of life had been the elongated groan he let out as Morris lifted him. David stopped the two before they could hurry out the door. “You two better never point a pistol at my Cowboy or his horse ever again. Next time, you don’t get a warning. I’ll line you two up and watch the bullets go straight through both of you.”

The two hesitantly nodded (Oscar moved his head down, and that was enough for David). Morris dragged his brother out the door, and it wasn’t long before the sound of galloping hoofs grew quieter and quieter.

“What the hell was that about?” Jack demanded. Deadwood rolled his eyes and led Izar out from behind his own horse.

“Don’t worry ‘bout it, Cowboy. Go back to sleep.”

“You’re losin’ it if you think I’m gonna let this shit go,” Jack argued as he moved to pet Izar’s neck. “They got you riled up enough to call me your cowboy.” He scoffed. “And you called me queer.”

David cocked his pistol in retaliation. “I defended you while you’s was asleep, but I’m not against shooting a man who’s awake.”

Jack couldn’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry, Deadwood. I won’t tell no-one ‘bout this. It wouldn’t be good for my reputation, anyhow. Cowboy don’t need no-one to save him.” He closed his eyes, an amused grin on his lips, and went back to resting against Izar.

The infamous outlaw stared at him, before he broke into laughter. “Spot was right. You are a stubborn ole fogy.”

#okay #hope you guys enjoy my pride and joy LMAOOO #this au is my child #newsies #livesies #jack kelly #david jacobs #racetrack higgins #spot conlon #wild westsies #92sies #cowboy jack kelly #cowboy david jacbos #˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ newsies // oneshots ❥ #˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ newsies // wild westies ❥ #also this is me announcing that there will be a full length fic based around this au #guys im so nervous posting this #ive worked on this for months years decades #my heart is fr racing #also sorry if the delancey brothers are inaccurate #i've never written them before

[ducktollers]

who up feeling their spirit get crushed into dust by this ai shit 😂😂😂

#turns out my laptop isnt strong enough to run glaze so now i gotta wait at least a month for them to reply to my dm 😃 #not on them at all ik theyre swamped but im just like. why do we have to fucking do this #like ​putting poison on our lunch so coworkers stop stealing it. Why do the coworkers get away with stealing it in the first place #why is this how things have worked out. the amount of companies ive seen use ai generation for their ads (TABLET COMPANIES.)……… #im like. u used to have to pay an artist to do that. and instead of putting technicology to good use #where it can do things that are tedious/difficult/impossible for humans to do #we’ve decided to have the machines do the one job we thought a machine COULDNT steal. bc its abt human creativity and passion #why. bc it saves a bunch of rich fucks even more money and they dont give a fuck about the rest of us #this shit wouldnt even exist if human artists werent here first for it to copy its souless its nothing its cold and dead i fucking hate it #YEARS of work and experience and craft honing and nobody gives a fuck they just see a person they dont have to pay anymore #steals our lifes work without our permission without paying us without a care how is my spirit NOT supposed to feel crushed #i see an ai image and all i see is decades of hard work that was stolen like if u ripped the bones out of a living person #ik jts dramatic and i keep going on abt rhis but it just bothers me SO fucking much #every time i have to think abt it ​its like a thousand pound rock dropped into my stomach #x

[hexitca]

guys help im trapped in a loop of the most cunt serving song ever

#dmc #dmc vergil #dmc bury the light #god GOD #im taking an easy monday bc all weekend i was moving shit outta the garage with my sister bc my mom is gonna move this year moms a hoarder #and so ive been blasting this as i powered through shit that my mom fucking stored in the garage for decades (from old house and this house #anyways my mind is nothing but I AM THE STORM THAT IS APPROACHING PROVOKING BLACK CLOUDS IN ISOLATION #HELP BUT DONT IM SUFFERING BUT LIKE IM NOT? im hyperfixating on a song help #this is why i fucking held off on this song i knew i wasnt gonna be normal about this #im still working on my tony redgrave post but life shit like my mom moving got in the way but shit shit now i wanna do a vergil post #i wanna do both it might be months i just am rotating these boys in my brain along with Nero help #BORN IN FLAMES I HAVE BEEN BLESSED MY FAMILY CREST IS A DEMON OF DEATH #song goes so fucking hard bruh BRUH BRUUUUH

[mejomonster]

Trying to date makes me so sad...

#rant #is it the advice love comes when ur not looking that makes me sad? hell yeah ToT i havent looked in years #and lo and behold i am still single! love didnt show up when i wasnt looking as they said dudjfjf #is it how a lot of ppl on apps are poly and partnered #and i am not personally. but id like to ask them HOW ON EARTH they found someone they love so i can learn from their advixe #(but rhats a lie. i probably cant learn from their advice ;-; cayse ive been trying to learn from advixe for over a decade now #and well none of it worked did it) #is it perhaps that lots of young 20 #year olds like me on dayint apps. and im looking for a serious relationship with someone else whos working and stuff and #generally a 20-22 year old is gonna be more likely foguring out stuff and having fun and not planning long term #is it that im simply demiromantic and demisexual and in a Swipe Right world the months long pace #that takes to develop attraction is just boringly time wastingly slow for pwople who Know immediately if they wanna bang or fall in love #and i get it. if theyre trying to xut their loses and date casually to find a compatible partner. i probably taje too long compared to #other options. #am i gonna just be alone. i wish i wasnt but i really dont know what to do #i havent had a crush in years :c not even a date. . im talking i havent evrn felt simple attraction in many years #:c :c oh im so sad i could cry #i got onto the dating apps today and was recommended 20 21 year olds. 10 poly people. and 10 people who want children #:c then i felt so sad i didnt wanna look at the apps any more

[solasan]

hey guys wouldnt it be SO funny if it turned out i had EDS this whole time 🤔

#idk just been Thinking. i dislocate my left hip on a fortnightly basis. dislocated my jaw a few months ago #and i dislocated my shoulder a few years ago just by Putting On A Hoodie Weirdly so like. i wouldnt be surprised? #it took almost a decade for my scoliosis to be diagnosed bc everyone thought i was being dramatic so like...... it isnt like there's no #history of me being ignored by my doctors lmao #it would be funny for that reason 2 be clear. if im diagnosed w it im going to turn up at the house of every gp ive ever had #with a screenshot of my diagnosis and a flaming bag of shit to leave on their doorstep #anyway........ im going 2 delete this probs ive just been trying to work out Whats Wrong With Me and a few people have brought up eds now #mollie shut up

[cherriesandcharms]

..

#possibly the most difficult thing over the last 7 months has been facing and being forced to address my hyper independence #ive spent the last decade ensuring that i dont have to rely on anyone for anything #bc my entire childhood and teen years taught me that relying on ppl meant my needs werent met #so being in a relationship and learning to rely on someone is a very difficult process #unlearning all that behaviour is so hard #being open and vulnerable with someone is extremely uncomfortable and anxiety inducing #and bless my partner bc they are incredible n so patient and understanding #and being with him makes me want to work through this even tho it hurts and its confronting

[ikyw-t]

this is a moodboard for how my brain has been feeling the past couple weeks. yes i spent like 10 minutes organizing these pictures if that tells u anything about how im feeling

#not that anyone asked but it's bc my adderall rx changed a month ago from extended release to short release #bc the extended release was making me feel super anxious in the afternoon when it would start to wear off #which is obviously counterproductive and i am already anxiety-inclined if that's even a phrase #so ive been on the short release version of adderall for the last month and overall it was going a lot better #the anxiety in the afternoon pretty much disappeared which was nice #the past like three weeks tho ive been dealing with being unable to stop picking at my skin and cuticles too #which is something ive struggled with since middle school in various degrees and tho it was getting better in the past couple years #ive never struggled with it LESS than i have since starting adderall in like march. and my god. what a joy and relief that was #so now that it's started happening again it's honestly pretty upsetting bc it's kinda physically painful and also just rly embarrassing #like i dont even have that bad acne probably but being unable to stop picking at it makes it like ten times worse #like i haven't had acne on my back in like three years since i finished taking accutane #and in the past three weeks i have but it's rly only bc i can't stop scratching at it and so there's gonna be scarring too #it's just very embarrassing and also disappointing nd disheartening since i was finally able to NOT have to deal with this for a few months #it's appalling and upsetting to realize that this was just my life for like a decade before i got treatment for adhd #and once i did it a lot of my impulsive and unconscious skin picking pretty much disappeared. #like damn bro the amount of times my mom and everyone in my family told me how nice my skin would be if i could just leave it alone. yeah. #anyway. im gonna talk to the doctor about this next month when i get my refill obviously bc i am not having a good time #even tho this was working rly great for the first three weeks. like whyyyy can't medicine just work. whyyy #anywayyyy if u read all this no u didnt bc it's embarrassing for me lol #i just felt the need to talk about it cause it's been upsetting me today

[lusalemaart]

🥛🍔

#really getting fucking tired of tumblr not compressing my file itself. like it ruins the quality but it wont #automatically resize my massive fucking files!? gotta do it myself?? ugh. the lack of usability across all social media platforms is just #getting so hard to stomach anymore. nothing is functional. people get their accounts removed for no logical reason. im exhausted. #and yet i still want all my shit in a collective place -_- #ugh.do you ever look at something and are like. holy shit i painted this.damn. unfortunately it doesnt happen very often but when it does? #almost always my vent boy. why. why is that?why cant i paint anything half decent except this emo boy with a mullet?whatever. also. kinda #random but.not actually random. related actually.idk if this is just me but like. sometimes there are Articles in ur living space that just #exist. like u just accept they exist even tho u have no recollection of attaining them. im talkin clothes specifically rn. like i have this #aqua-green robe with blue trim that ive had as far back as i can recall...except i cant for the life of me remember where it came from! its #almost like it spawned in my closet one day.i just. accept it.like. dont get me wrong. it cozy. its quite physically held up for decades. #i wear it all the damn time. but ive no mortal clue how it got here. ive no memory of receiving it.also ngl i had way too much fun renderin #his beard.like u cant tell bc i apply about a million overlay layers and filters respectively to my finished works. ultimately covering up #hours + hours worth of finely rendered details each drawn individually by hand. deeming my efforts useless in the end bc i cover it up but. #trust me. i took some time with that beard.beard gang beard gang.mullet beard gang.dirty smelly mullet beard man. hello yes my name is #80 y/o who is 32/33 years old. how are you today? im personally doing terrible.good talk. WHAT CAN I SAY i just think the emo grown ass man #with boatloads of physical AND emotional trauma is neat. MY HANDS LOOK LIKE THIS SO HIS DONT HAVE TO *camera pans to a fucked up little set #of discolored claws skin translucent as alll hell. no muscle.atrophied beyond repair. also a bit of dirt is caked under the brittle + ridge #unhealthy nails. cuts and scraped take approx 3 months to heal bc the nerve functioning is That Bad*. #botdbs #fk #on a final note. I drew these about a week ago. I was literally only listening to cheeseburger in paradise the whole time. Then I learned #today that Jimmy Buffett passed away yesterday. broke my heart a little. i was just drinking my coffee from my margaritaville mug too. #Rest in peace legend. I hope heaven has so many cheeseburgers. #so many cheeseburgers in literal paradise. #Makin' the best of every virtue and vice. Worth every damn bit of sacrifice. to get a. cheeseburger in paradise.

[drdemonprince]

I routinely forget that periods exist, and its only been like two years since I stopped having them.

The whole concept of them and all the planning and the contingencies involved are just, swoosh, out of my mind. im only reminded that periods are a thing every couple of months or so when one friend or another is in pain and brings the subject up. a friend asked me about how my periods were recently and i was shocked not that she believed i still had them, but that i had ever been a person who'd had them at all.

Multiple friends of mine have gotten hysterectomies this past year, some after long waiting periods, and its got me remembering that my high school debate coach told me getting one was the single best decision of her life. Ive wondered to myself a few times what all the advantages of it are, beyond the obvious prevention of pregnancy piece, and it honestly took me months of thinkkng to remember that oh, oh yeah, right, some people have periods and some periods really hurt and for some people that is probably a factor.

periods are such a non issue for me i forget about what a massive toll they can take on many other peoples lives. and im only a month post op from top surgery, but i can tell its gonna be the same thing w having tits. im gonna forget how much pain and hassle and work it all was.

and I share this because it shows just how mutable human beings are, and how changeable privilege is.

if i can forget about the existence of a bothersome and dysphoric experience i had every month for decades within a matter of two years -- so much so that i forget other people still have to deal with periods -- then someone who grew up poor but now is rich cant ever be trusted to remember what poverty is like. an adult cant be trusted to remember the fear and powerlessness of being a kid. and a trans man can very much be oblivious to sexism and to the lived experience of being a woman, no matter his prior experience, because that is what privilege does to you once youve got it. it clouds over all the worries you no longer have to think about, separating your perspective from that of all the people that do still have to.

and idk, i think thats important for people to remember. no matter what youve lived in the past, if you get a little money, a little privilege, a little power, it changes you, and it makes you stop worrying about many things, and it makes you oblivious.

[b0tster]

As a "not contract bound" dev who works on a project that you are (I assume) completely in control of, how do you choose the release date and why'd you choose one before finishing the project? Asked not in a "why'd you do that to yourself" way but in a "I wanna understand what's the logical process behind it, maybe it is smart to do it and I wanna know why".

I thought that it'd be logical to first have a finished thing and then say that it'll be released at "date_name_wgenever", instead of setting a certain date and then crunching yourself to fit it. But maybe it helps you somehow to not overwork yourself on the project thinking that if you have all the time in the world, why not add a thing or two, which results in project taking forever to be marked complete, or maybe you just have a pet birthday at that date and wanna make it symbolical lol, idk.

let me be clear here

i am not crunching on bbkart, or any of my projects for that matter

---

now, with that out of the way, time to talk about time frames and productivity. our labor doesnt operate on a linear scale. spending a decade on a game compared to a year will not mean that that game will be 10 times bigger. humans just dont work like that.

something ive picked up over the years is that productivity is like a gas: it will expand to fit the box its put in.

if u give urself infinite time, the gas will just dissipate. but of course if u squeeze it into a release thats too tight, u get an explosion (crunch).

now, im more of a 'find the fun' kinda developer. i make my tools and mechanics based on a loose concept and then decide what the game will be after once i have everything in front of me. in that initial period i do not set a release date, its impossible to predict how a games dev cycle will play out, so i dont bother and just focus on finding whats fun.

once the final game actually starts to take shape, i am capable of making an informed decision on how much labor is needed to finish, and i set an internal date that i do not make public. once im a few months out from that date, i will make an adjustment if neccesary (both bbpsx and kart had their internal date pushed back by a month) and then announce it. that sets it in stone and I have a runway to release.

mark darrah (bioware) talks about something he calls the 'hockey stick', which is the idea that once u get to a certain point, completion urgency kicks in and u get the drive to make the decisions neccesary to finish the game. cut this, reroute focus to that, crunch on this (dont do that last one, ever, but its important to bring up where crunch manifests. some advice: you either cut or you crunch. choose cut).

darrah talks about how to trigger completion urgency (one example is making a demo, be it publically released or exclusive to an event) and the fact of the matter is that a deadline will do it. of course, if completion urgency kicks in too close to the deadline, you get crunch, but if it kicks in earlier u will get things done in a way that doesnt leave permanent damage on your body and mind.

i know this is a very long winded answer, but i hope i was thorough enough to explain the benefits of setting a deadline and how that doesnt always have to end in crunch, like the question implied.

#lilith answers #bloodborne kart #completion urgency

[steddieas-shegoes]

Part 2 to this post

When gay marriage became legal, everyone expected Steve and Eddie to run to the courthouse and get it done.

They’d waited long enough.

But they were watching the news on a hospital room television instead of their home, keeping Wayne company while he received his last chemo treatment.

It had been a really rough six months, Eddie taking the brunt of caring for Wayne so Steve could work and pay the bills for all of them. But they wanted to.

Wayne had done so much for both of them, he deserved to be taken care of now.

The doctors had said he was getting to an age where the chemo would most likely only extend his life by a few years at most, that the cancer growing in his body would only be stopped temporarily by this drug that made him weaker than any cancer could.

At first, he didn’t want it. He told them both it wasn’t worth putting his body through it at his age, but Eddie convinced him through tears that he wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

And Wayne always did have a soft spot for Eddie’s tears.

Every other Friday, Wayne was brought to the hospital by Eddie, sometimes accompanied by Steve if his day off lined up right, hooked up to an IV of fluids and a harsh chemo mix, and kept for observation for 8 hours to ensure it didn’t cause any major issues on his frailer than he’d like to admit body.

The last treatment hadn’t gone well. Wayne ended up having low oxygen levels and high blood pressure, so they kept him overnight. Overnight turned into 3 nights, four days, which is sort of like a cruise to the Bahamas if you take out the fact they were in a hospital in Indiana.

Steve was holding Eddie’s hand as they all watched the tv, their silver wedding bands from a decade ago resting on their ring fingers.

It didn’t have to be legal to mean something to them.

Wayne had been much livelier over the last 24 hours, his blood pressure back at a normal for him level, though his oxygen level still fluctuated between too low and normal.

“Would ya look at that? They did it.”

Steve looked over at where he was sitting up in bed, smiling at the tv.

“They did.”

Eddie was wiping a tear from his cheek.

“Took them long enough.”

Everyone in the room huffed out an unamused laugh.

It did take way too long.

“Steve.”

Steve looked back over to Wayne and noticed he was looking tired again, like the news was the only reason he’d been forcing himself to be awake.

“You remember that bet?”

They’d made a lot of bets over the years, usually during March Madness. Wayne purposely bet against Steve because it was an easy win, even though they liked the same teams and often had similar brackets.

So no, he didn’t really remember whatever bet he was talking about now.

“Oh come on. I’m the old one here. You’re supposed to have great memory.”

“I’ve had like, eight concussions. My memory is like a goldfish.”

Eddie snorted next to him and nodded in agreement. Just this morning Eddie had to remind him that it was trash day despite it being the same day every week for the last 17 years they’d lived in their house.

“You owe me $5.”

“I’d remember that.”

“Eddie asked for you.”

Steve and Eddie looked at each other with concern. Was Wayne having a stroke? Was he slowly losing lucidity? He’d never shown any signs of memory problems, but sometimes being in the hospital had a lot of negative effects.

“When Eddie woke up in ‘86. I told you he’d ask for ya first and he did. Never collected on the bet because you two were too much.”

Steve suddenly remembered everything from that day, tears pooling in his eyes at how all of this started.

If he hadn’t stayed to hold Eddie’s hand then, would he be holding it now? Would they be husbands in every way but legally?

Steve looked at Eddie with a smile.

Then he turned to Wayne and smirked.

“Bet you $5 I propose right now.”

Wayne smirked back at him.

“Bet you won’t.”

Steve gave him the look that said ‘just watch me’ and stood up, dropping to one knee slowly.

“Eddie Munson. We already wear rings. We’ve lived together as husbands for so long, I can’t even believe we aren’t actually married. But I want to be. I want to fill out the stupid paperwork at the courthouse and maybe plan a little wedding with our kids and family. I want to have a honeymoon and be young and in love even though we aren’t young anymore. I want to be yours in every way starting right now. How does that sound?”

Eddie was crying. He was always more emotional than Steve, he just hid it better. Usually.

“You wanna be mine?”

“I’m already yours. I just want us to have everything.”

“Then I wanna be yours.”

“Good.”

Eddie leaned forward and kissed him, more passionately than they usually ever did in public or around Wayne. It was a special occasion, though, what choice did they really have?

After a minute, Steve pulled away and looked over to Wayne.

“Sorry about your $5.”

“I’m not.”

Wayne had never been more pleased to not be able to collect on a bet.

#steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #ao3fic #tumblr drabbles #headcanon #part 2 #stranger things #my fic #wayne munson #future fic #wayne is old and sick here but he does not die

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for avoiding my husband on purpose, like, all the time? my husband (m36) and i (f34) have been married for almost 10 years (anniversary in a few months). we have 3 kids (m10, f8, f1) and he works full time while i stay at home. even before we got married i didnt really have friends other than him, and i always had a hard time finding excuses to get out of the house. frequently, he gets to hang out with his buddies who he also works with, and ever since we had kids he's always going out and leaving me home alone even when hes not at work just to idk. hang out at bars and pretend we don't exist. well lately ive been making time for myself to go out when the kids are at school (my youngest is pretty well behaved so i just take her with me instead of paying a babysitter) and i had managed to get kinda friendly with some of the wives of my husbands coworkers (theyre all members of the same union, so we see each other at those functions every once in awhile). i thought it was all going well and i was having fun and enjoying getting to be social for once, but about 2 weeks ago, the whole family was invited out for lunch (a picnic type thing) with his buddies from work's families. all was going well and for the most part even the kids were having fun, but then my husband got absolutely fucking trashed for no reason. none of the other guys were acting like that, and we've had conversations about him not doing that sort of thing, but he NEVER listens. he's always acting like this, but usually i dont have to see when its in public. well he embarrassed me so fucking much. he was trying to start fights, messing up his clothes, and wouldn't listen to me at all. just in his own world as always. i should've known because its been a decade of this, but i could have sworn it wasn't this bad before. he wasn't like this when we dated you know? so we got home and i was just. grossed out and annoyed. i slept on the couch and pretty much ever since then, i haven't been talking to him. i got a text from one of the ladies saying that a wednesday hangout thing i had been invited to had been canceled, but i pretty much KNOW 100% that it wasn't, and that they just don't want to be associated with me now. the kids don't really seem bothered by the tension around the house (i think its sort of normal to them since hes frequently not around anyways). i wouldn't be near as annoyed if there wasn't a part of my brain telling me "he did it on purpose". i know that's just how he acts but i could SWEAR its almost like he just doesnt want me to have friends. he doesn't want to hear about it, he just wants me THERE at home, watching the kids and existing solely for his convenience. i used to consider divorce, before we had our youngest. but i haven't had a job since high school, and i couldnt put the burden of asking for help on my sisters. they hate him, but i couldnt ask them for that support. and i dont even know what the kids would think, i cant do that to them. but yesterday, my husband brought it up (cornered me in our room pretty much) and asked why i was ignoring him. what if he really didnt know why? i TOLD him, but its like he forgot or just expects me to be "over it" by now. all i wanted was just this one thing, to HAVE FRIENDS, have that time away from being just "mom" and do what i want. he gets to do that so why cant i? or AT LEAST he could put some more effort into being around and doing things as a family? but i still wonder if im being the asshole, for giving him the cold shoulder for this long. he didnt have a happy childhood or good examples for parents so maybe he just thinks this is normal? i never asked because i assumed he knew it wasn't. and he does seem like, disappointed that i wont come to bed. maybe ive been driving him off and that's why he doesnt like to come home? idk at this point, im at a loss. aita?

#aita #am i the asshole

[im-totally-not-an-alien-2]

Danny at the tender age of 23, has had a bad month. He had just lost his job as an interpreter with his company due to rejecting the advances of one of the older female bosses and his landlord was trying to screw him over on rent.

It honestly surprised him when he woke up one day with his wrists bound in front of him and trapped in a tube. He had been out of the hero game since the portals closed up years ago and Vlad lost his powers, so it had been a while since the whole "kidnapping" thing had happened to him.

He looked out through the glass of the tube as he turned intangible to let the IV needles fall out of his arms. There luckly wasn't any glowing green goo in the tube with him, but he doubts it will stay that way long as the scientists outside his containment chatted happily about "the discovery of the decade!" Ick.

He waits till they're gone before turning intangible slipping out of his tube and heading straight for the computer. He knew how to hack, but he was low on time and needed to know exactly what was going on, so some ghostly meddling with electronics were necessary. Sorry Tuck.

It was at this moment he found out several things.

1. Danny had apparently been here for several months instead of the few days he had initially assumed

2. He was found somewhere in his own thermos, asleep. Luckily they haven't been able to replicate any technology from it.

3. Superheros were a very real thing now. How long had he been asleep?

4. He had been cloned. Again. But this time he had someone else's DNA mixed in with the clones to make them more stable and intelligent. Some guy named Red Robin. Huh. Was that his real name or...?

Danny took a deep breath before locating his new clone kids. Ellie would be thrilled...if she was still around that is. He could think about that later, right now he had to grab his babies-and oh ancients- they were babies! The oldest of the three looked four years old at most and the youngest looked only a few hours. He was still all pink and alien looking.

Luckily his children didn't fight him when he picked them up and flew through the walls with them. He made a mental note to teach them stranger danger when he came across a large red button.

You won't believe what it was labeled as. Yep. A self destruct button. How cliché. Whatever. He pushed it and sirens immediately started to go off and he continued flying them through walls before exited into a dark gothic city he knew Sam would immediately love.

Somehow he managed to immediately land a job as a linguist for Wayne tech. Probably thanks to the three small kids he had and the panicked look on his face. Bruce was a really chill dude.

Batman however, was a prick. He met the guy weeks after his run in with Bruce and he kept popping up after he found out the clone babies were partially from one of his birds and trying to take custody away from him or convince him to give them up. Danny retaliated by spreading the rumor/truth that his kids where Red Robins from creepy cloning scientists that kidnapped him before immediately moving out of Gotham and into Fawcett City to work for a competitors company. This way Red couldn't legally go after him for custody without revealing his identity :)

This is how Red Robin, at the tender age of 25, learned he had kids with a man named Daniel Nightengale. Not only that, Bruce knew about them and didn't tell him.

Danny made it clear that if any of the Gotham Rouges tried to follow him and harm his kids they would come back missing a hand. Joker found out the hard way that he wasn't bluffing.

Shazams old guy mentor almost has an aneurysm when he senses the freaking GHOST KING living in Fawcett. Danny is also much more powerful then ever before and accidentally made the power go out in half the city when he got truly angry with Batman.

#fanfiction prompts #prompts #danny phantom #danny fenton #dp x dc #time drake #red robin #poor tim #the nightengale idea wasnt mine #but i love it and believe it should be the fentons go to for identity problems #tim wants to meet his kids #danny is superdad #ever listened to Mr. mom? #danny is the mom from that song and i fully support him #the batfam all lose thier minds #shazam doesnt know what to think of danny #danny is worlds best dad #long post

[snoozisworld]

Bi-Han x Fem!Reader - Arranged Marriage HCS (Part I)

A/N: Oh boy... hello ... it's been a while ...... 3 months to be exact. Ive been super busy these past few months with college and work so im sorry i've been mia... heres my apology! its a bit long so this will have two parts, anyways enjoy!!!

.·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·.

(In this AU Bi han never betrayed his brothers and their father lived longer and died of natural causes, Tomas and Kuai are still in the Lin Kuei)

Background: You're part of another clan who's been rivals with the Lin Kuei for years, the current grandmaster (bi hans dad) has grown tired of the decades long feud and has proposed the two clans come to an understanding, as the grandmaster believes an alliance could be beneficial to both clans. The grandmaster of the rival clan (your father) has surprisingly agreed, on the condition that the alliance be formed via a marital ceremony. His eldest (you) and the lin kueis eldest (bi han) are to be married in order to make the alliance official and, in theory, make the bond of the two clans stronger. Bi han doesn't agree and believes this feud would've been solved by simply beating the rival clan into submission, but he follows his father's decisions if he is to be the next grandmaster.

.·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·.

The events following the proposal:

- The first few days after the alliance was proposed, Bi-han was angry. How could his father even consider the possibility of allying with the enemy? It enraged him to no end.

- He spent days training harder, letting his emotions get the better of him. His brothers advised him that it was for the clan's benefit to have the 'enemy-turned-ally' in their good graces, but he was having none of it.

- After a week, his father called him and his brothers to his office. When Bi-han saw the rival clan's grandmaster sitting in the room, idly discussing plans with his father, he almost throttled him. He was stopped by Kuai Liang, who advised him that would NOT be a good idea considering the current circumstances.

- He begrudgingly sat in the meeting, and talked with his father and the others about the alliance, mostly discussing the potential military power, the disclosure of information, strategic planning, etc. But one thing that Bi-han was not interested in whatsoever was the arranged marriage.

- When the topic was brought up, Bi-han instinctively tuned it out, having absolutely no interest in the discussion. Bi-han settled with tolerating the alliance for now, so he saw no purpose in divulging the means to it.

- Of course however, it was the grandmaster's daughter after all, his "pride and joy" as he would call you, so he proposed that the two meet prior to the wedding. He said it would be good for them to "get to know each other". But Bi-han couldn't care less about you, to him you were just a means to an end, nothing more.

- After the meeting was over and everyone left, Bi-han stayed behind with his father. He argued there was no point in meeting you, and that if he was to care about this alliance at all, his father would grant him at least that; blissful ignorance of your existence. But his father didn't budge, he just regurgitated the words of his newfound "friend", that it would be good for him.

The day of the meeting:

- Bi-han would rather be doing anything else right now. Hell, he would rather be helping Tomàs train than be here right now; that's how horrible this felt to him.

- Kuai Liang had managed to convince him to meet you by reminding him of how proud their mother would be. A little manipulative? Sure, but it worked; so here Bi-han was, waiting for you to arrive in the front garden of the Lin Kuei estate.

- He sat on a bench and donned a beautiful blue and white traditional hanfu, hand-sewn by his mother. He played with the hem of his sleeves, slightly annoyed by your tardiness and (even though he will never admit it) he was a bit nervous.

- He heard the gates open and stood up, making his way to the entrance. That's when he saw you.

- Truthfully, Bi-han was never a "ladies man" as Kuai Liang would crudely say. He was just never interested in the pursuit of a relationship, he was more focused on his training. That meant he was never 'exposed' to a lot of women, and the act of interacting with them. As pathetic as it sounds, the only woman he constantly interacted with was his mother.

- After her passing, he completely closed himself off, having absolutely no interest in a relationship, even now. The only reason he's even here right now is because of the alliance. If it were up to Bi-han . . . well let's just be thankful it isn't.

- When he laid his eyes on you, it felt like being hit a bus. As prideful and arrogant as he was, he could not deny your beauty. For a moment he even questioned if you were really that grandmaster's daughter.

- It was weird, it was technically Bi-han's first time feeling like this, so naturally he hated it.

- He would've preferred that you were ugly, so that it wouldn't be so distracting to have you around, but no, you had to be the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He hates this and he hates you.

- When you approached him, you looked up to look him straight in the eyes as you mouthed something to him. Bi-han didn't hear you and he didn't know if it was because he didn't care or if he was still taking you in.

- The whole conversation was awkward, if you could even call it a conversation. Bi-han offered to show you around the estate, but he wouldn't even look at you, much less talk to you.

- If you asked him something, he would always try to answer with a simple yes or no and he would never properly look you in the eyes; you picked up on this quite early on, which made you go quiet the rest of the tour.

- Safe to say the first meeting was an absolute disaster.

(1/2)

.·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨༺ ༻¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·..·:*¨ ¨*:·.

A/N: okayy! part 1 is done, im tired its been so long since ive even THOUGHT about mk1 so sorry if im a little rusty... anyways tomorrow i post part 2 and hopefully ill get back to a nice rhythm.

#mortal kombat #mk1 #fanfic #bi han sub zero #mk1 2023 #bi han x reader #foryou #afab reader #sub zero #bi han x you #smoke mk #scorpion mortal kombat #subzero mk1 #headcanon #arranged marriage #bi han is whipped #writers block #female reader #lin kuei

[russos-ventitre]

alessia russo x reader | lezioni di italiano IV 🧸

✘ summary: it was the first national game against alessia after the two of you finally established your relationship

✘ warnings/tags: hurt/comfort, injury, head injury, brief mentions of blood, reader is mid-20s, ItalyWNT!reader, ItalyCaptain!reader, established relationship

✘ words: 2826

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎→ part i ‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎→ part ii

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎→ part iii

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎→ part iv

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎→ part v

a/n: translations provided as always! sorry for the big time jump :')

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ quattro

Months later...

It was England v Italy, the first time you and your girlfriend were going to play against each other, both of you having previous discussions about this very game. Knowing months in advance that it was coming, both of you agreeing that you wouldn’t hurt each other, no matter what. You both deeply cared about football but your love for each other outweighed that and you'd both rather end up with teammates biting your head off than a broken girlfriend. A loss of a game outweighing the fear of an injured Alessia, or worse.. a dreaded ACL..

"In bocca al lupo, amorina." [Good luck, little love.] You whispered as your two teams lined up in the tunnel together.

"Crepi il lupo, tesoro." [Thanks, darling.] She mumbled back, feeling your hand graze past hers as you both filed outside, splitting into your two teams.

It was an away game for Italy, so your team sang first, being completely overshadowed by the England team once it was their turn. You could hear the words to 'God save the King' clear as day as it echoed throughout the stadium and you couldn't help yourself but clap at the audience's commitment, even if you were shot a few dirty looks from your team.

When the crowd settled down you walked over to the referees with your banner, shaking hands with all three women before turning to face England's Captain, Millie Bright, who was in place of Leah Williamson.

"Good luck out there!" The defender shouted, shooting you a friendly smile as you took her hand in yours.

"You as well! You replied, now swapping banners and taking to your positions.

The first half of the game went pretty smoothly, a few England players slipping through your defense but it was quickly recovered. Your team's main goal for the first 45 minutes or more being purely defense and goal-scoring if the opportunity made itself available. You knew how football worked, you had been playing it for nearly two decades now to know that whatever team scored early on in the first half pretty much has the advantage the rest of the game, regardless of conceding.

Halftime...

All the players file into the tunnel at half-time, you finding a seat at your cubby as you awaited the instructions your coach was about to provide. You sat there, chugging some of your water and zoning in and out, hearing bits and pieces of whatever your coach was talking about. You swore you heard your coach mention something along the lines of ‘play dirty', 'if they get near you, fall', and 'get fouled’ ring through your ears. It wasn’t the first time your team was instructed to play like that and it definitely pissed you off every time you were told to do it. As Captain, it was your job to lead and this, this was something you just couldn’t stand by. You finally had enough, standing up and chucking your towel to the ground, everyone's attention now on you. 

“Siamo migliori di così! Questo non è la squadra che ho captinato per anni! La mia squadra è migliori di così.” [We’re better than that! This is not the team I’ve captained for years. My team is better than that.] You charged out of the room, making your way to the pitch for halftime warmups, spotting Alessia on the sidelines getting some water.

“Stella..” [Star..] You muttered, bending down and pretending to retie your laces. 

“Hmm?” The blonde’s head turned towards yours, looking in your general direction as she drank more water, not wanting to raise any questions to her fans.

“My team.. stanno andando a giocare sporco. Please stay safe.. tell your team, amore..” [They’re going to play dirty.]

You walked away from her before she could respond, hoping no one noticed how long you were next to the striker. Alessia tossed her bottle to the side, running over to her teammates and warning them, hoping that people in the crowds wouldn’t notice the slight worry washing over her features. Your team eventually filed out, joining your subs in some warmups.

After a bit, the referee blew the whistle signalling that halftime was over and that both teams needed to return to their positions. You took your position in midfield, adjusting your socks and shin pads, waiting for the game to start. You looked across the field, finding your blonde readjusting her ponytail before the first touch was made, the girl sending you a soft smile, you returning one back to her.

The first 15 minutes of the second half consisted of a lot of back and forth passes, England coming close to the goal but either losing possession or having their shots saved. Around the 72nd minute England made some subs, swapping Hemp for Kelly and Coombs for Zelem.

Play resumed, the ball being in your section of the field. You chased after Stanway, trying to block her through pass, but missed by a hair. You then chased after Toone, who was currently in possession, hot on her tail and ready to snatch the ball from her feet before you misstepped and accidentally clipped her heel, sending the brunette and yourself, tumbling to the floor. Barely a second after the two of you fell, the midfielder stood up, brushing herself off and stomping towards you. A familiar blonde running over and stepping between the two of you, pushing her in the opposite direction.

“Calm down, Toones.” You heard a familiar voice call, lifting your head up from the ground as you dusted yourself off. 

“Spiacente..” [Sorry..] You mumbled quietly, feeling awful for taking out your girlfriend’s best mate. At least you started to feel better knowing that it was England’s free-kick and not your own. You didn’t deserve it if the referee were to give it to you and you were certainly going to argue with her if she did. The game continued after the free kick, more minutes counting down as both teams were at a standstill of nil-nil.

Finally, someone broke through, Stanway pushed passed your midfield, sprinting down the pitch as she lobbed the ball over to Toone. Toone did her best to dodge your team's defense, having to make a through pass at the last minute to Russo who was completely unmarked in the penalty box, taking the opportunity to score a goal. Winding her leg back, she strikes the ball with her dominant foot, sending the ball soaring into the top corner of the net. The fans going absolutely wild as Alessia's teammates jumped on her back, Tooney being wrapped up in her arms, kissing the blonde's head. You loved what those two had, and didn't feel at all threatened by Tooney being affectionate like that with her, you know she had Alessia's heart first, you knew your place and you were happy there. You never wanted to be the cause of any discourse between the two of them and you were more than happy to share Alessia with the brunette who practically knew her since birth. You view Ella as a sister in that respect.

Cheers died down, both teams walking back to their starting positions. You slowed down your walking so the striker could catch up with you.

"Bel colpo, amore mio." [Nice one, my love.] You patted her on the back before you swiftly walked away from her before your fans could question you on why you were secretly congratulating the enemy. The last thing you need is your home country thinking you've betrayed them, especially your teammates, and that you were now England's 12th player, although the thought did secretly intrigue you and you knew that if you mentioned it to Alessia you'd never hear the end of it. Especially after you politely refused to wear her England jerseys on multiple occasions. Claiming that you'd become 'a disgrace to your homeland', knowing full well she didn't buy it when she saw your lips curl at the ends slightly.

The game resumed, the ball hurdling in your direction, with Zelem not too far in front of you. Both of you jumped in the air, hoping to hit it off your heads and direct it towards your teammates. Unfortunately, the complete opposite happened actually. You and Zelem were mid-air and seconds before the ball reached the two of you, her elbow came crashing into the side of your skull. You immediately screamed out in pain, clutching your face as you fell to the ground with a loud thud. The referee blowing her whistle, ending the play immediately the second she saw your body collapse to the ground.

Alessia had watched the play unfold in front of her own eyes, seeing how the brunette’s elbow smacked into your temple, causing you to bleed. Her focus on the game immediately shifting to you, seeing your limp body on the pitch. Everything after that moment becoming slow-motion for the blonde. She sprinted after you, pushing past your Italian teammates that surrounded you, falling to her knees by your side. 

“You alright, love?” Zelem asked, also closeby to you, making sure you were okay. She looked over to Alessia, whose hands were delicately placed on your body. 

“I’ll take it from here Zel.” She smiled awkwardly, trying to hide the fact the tears that were threatening to escape her eyes. The older woman walked away, leaving Alessia at your side, alongside a few Italian players and the referee. 

The blonde leaned down towards your ear. “Sono qui, amore.” [I’m here, love.] Rubbing her hand down your side, hoping to soothe you somehow.

It wasn’t long until the medics arrived, crouching down beside your girlfriend and asking what happened. “Che è successo?” [What happened?]

“È stata colpita in faccia.” [She got hit in the face.] The striker replied, her hands never leaving your side, in fact, one of her hands was now laced with yours, her thumb soothing the back of your hand. 

The medics moved closer to you, trying to observe the section of your head that collided with Zelem’s arm. Alessia carefully helped you sit up, crouching behind you as her hands soothed down your back. You could barely keep your eyes open, your head throbbing, and everything around you fuzzy. Noise echoing through your ears but you couldn’t make out any of it, only barely able to recognise the sound of Alessia’s voice and her adorable Maidenstone accent, just the muffled sounds of her speaking to someone. The medic gently grabbed your face, tilting it to the side seeing blood trailing down to your cheek, pulling out a cloth to clean you up, the blonde taking liberty in holding it there on your wound afterward. After you were cleaned up the medic looked into your eyes, noticing that they were very dilated. She looked up to the referee who was stood nearby.

“She might have a concussion, she needs to be taken off to be examined.” The referee nodded, signalling the sidelines that a sub is needed.

Your girlfriend took notice of your lack of response, shifting herself so she was facing your side and carefully cradling you in her arms. Standing up slowly so your head didn’t explode, she carried you off the pitch in her arms, earning both of you applause that roared throughout the stadium. You hid your face in the blonde’s neck, trying to block out the blinding stadium lights and cringing at the noise of the fans, being hypersensitive to pretty much everything since you hit the floor. 

You weren’t really sure what happened next, just feeling your limp body being carried, by who you assumed was still your girlfriend, and laid down on the examination table to rest. The room was left dark and in silence as you felt your body sink into the padding of the table. 

The final whistle was blown, announcing that England had won 2-0 against Italy, the entire stadium of Wembley erupting into celebrations. But all Alessia could think of was you, absolutely booking it to the Italy locker room to find you. She ran throughout the building searching for you, finally seeing you through the small window on the door that separated the two of you. The blonde quietly entered the room, a hand coming to delicately stroke your back, as she walked around the table until she reached your face. 

“Amore..” Her soft hand came to caress your face. “..amore abbiamo vinto.” [..love we won.]

You nuzzle your face against the blonde’s hand, finding comfort in her touch. “Mmm.. s’good..” You slurred, your brain feeling like jelly as you laid there miserable. 

The striker quietly pulled a chair over, now able to rest her arms and chin on the examination table to be closer to you, your noses mere inches away from each other. Her hand resumed it’s original position, cupping your face delicately as you lay in pain.

“I scored a screamer for you, baby..” She whispered, seeing a faint smile curl at your lips. 

“La mia ragazza stella..” [My star girl..] You hummed back, your eyes just barely open enough to look back at her, seeing her cheeks turn pink.

“Tesoro..” [Darling..] You hand reached for the blonde, finding purchase on her soft cheek, soothing your thumb over her beautiful skin.

Alessia leaned in closer, your foreheads nearly touching as she laid her head down beside you. “Hmm?” 

“Don’t you want to celebrate with your team..?” You mumbled, your brain feeling worse the more you had to think proper thoughts. 

"No.. I want to be here with you, amore mio." [my love.] She edged her face closer to yours, placing a delicate kiss to your nose, blush slowly filled your cheeks.

"Come on.. let's get you home." She cooed, grabbing your kitbag that was on the side, holding her hands out to help you sit up.

You sat up slowly, feeling the throbbing pain resume once you were upright, a hand coming to clutch at your face as you winced in pain. The blonde walked towards you, slotting her body between your legs, taking them in her hands and wrapping them around her torso, then finally pulling you close to her chest and wrapping your arms around her neck. She carefully slid you off the table and carried you out of the room.

"Keep your eyes closed, love." She mumbled, rubbing soothing patterns at the base of your neck as she navigated her way out of the building to her team bus.

The striker carried you all the way to her team bus, seeing Sarina waiting outside for her players, the coach's brows knitting together as she tried to figure out why one of her players was carrying an Italian player.

"Hey.." She whispered to the older woman. "..could you do me a favour and ask the girls to dial it down before I walk in there. [y/n].. my love.. she has a concussion and I don't want her to be alone in her team hotel room suffering. I'm gonna take her home." The blonde admitted, her face bright red as she had never really admitted that out loud before, only really to her closest friends.

"Sure." Sarina nodded, walking into the coach to make the announcement.

When she finished she walked back out, helping escort Alessia onto the coach without falling. The striker carried you down the aisle, you feeling sympathetic pats on your back as she walked past her teammates, one of them being Ella and the other being Zelem. She took you to the back of the bus, a place where no one was occupying carefully helping you lay down in her lap as the coach began to move.

You tucked your face away in your girlfriend's lower stomach, gently pressing your forehead against it as you hoped that the coach lights above your head would stop beaming through your eyelids that for whatever reason today seem to be as thin as paper, practically begging internally for the ache to leave you alone or knock you out. You honestly didn't care which one came first, you were just hoping to be spared soon because it was unbearable.

Her soft hand came to caress your face, your body melting into the woman's touch and instantly feeling more relaxed the longer she kept her hand there. Your hands searched for the blonde's shirt, finding the end of it and pulling it over your face to hide from the brightness of the light.

Alessia looked down at you bright-eyed, slowly becoming a bit flustered at your choice of face placement. Your nose and eyelashes accidentally brushing against her abs every now and then, causing the girl to fidget underneath you. You whined every time that she did, her movements causing more pain to your head until she eventually was able to control herself. You placed a kiss to her abs before settling yourself, everything afterward going dark.

‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎← part iii ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏‎ ‎‎‏‏part v →

#alessia russo #alessia russo x reader #alessia russo imagine #woso #woso fanfics #woso x reader #woso community #woso imagines #engwnt x reader #england women #arsenal wfc #arsenal x reader #arsenal women #awfc x reader #awfc

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

#txt #suicide tw #self harm tw #I was very hesitant to discuss this because whenever I talk about mental health it leans into #one side. who are super well meaning but feel obligated to make sure that I’m okay. like I’m their responsibility when I’m just a stranger #online and my thoughts and feelings should never make someone feel like they have to ‘protect’ me #and another side who sees me purposefully be vague about some of the things I discuss like trauma and regret #and just construct their own narrative and get mad at me for it #at this point I’m just too tired to care about the potential backlash of the latter #if you read all this and think I’m saying I did nothing wrong and everyone is bad except for me that’s your fantasy you get to live in #I just want to be honest about my thoughts and feelings