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luccislegs · 4 years

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😏✨ I have some Kata angst for you~ 💖 Katakuri’s wife has been a political prisoner of a different country for over a year after she was violently abducted while out on a trip. She hasn’t been treated well *at all* durning her stay, but Big Mom hasn’t let Katakuri go to rescue her because she made a good deal with them and wasnt ready to break it, so Katakuri couldnt go save his beloved wife. Eventually the other country breaks the deal, and Kata gets to go rescue her 🤩 fluff and angst please!

mey i don’t know what circle of hell you crawled out of, but i want you to know not only did i hurt myself writing this, but i made myself almost cry on numerous occasions as i was editing this.

i hope you suffer

kidding i love you

The utter panic Katakuri felt when the news that his beloved wife had been taken prisoner was indescribable. He was a wreck, barely keeping his calm cover and facade in front of his family as they explained to him what had happened. He loved his mother, loved his family, but his wife was held above all to him. Nevertheless, he couldn’t go against his mother. It would only cause trouble for him and everyone else.

So he stood there and endured it with stoic grace as she told them all about the deal she made with the country, how lucrative it was going to be for her family, ignoring the pain she might be causing her son and anyone else who loved his wife. And when Mama told him he couldn’t go and rescue her…It was the final blow.

Katakuri always knew the marriages his mother arranged were just means to an end. She held no concerns for what bonds her children might actually form with their spouses, especially those who she looked down upon for weakness or, as she so lovingly put it “creepy” features. But he had hoped that she would at least allow him, her strongest Sweet Commander, some liberties.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the case.

Everyday, he wondered what he had done to deserve this torture, waiting for news of his love. He switched between hopeful and fearful at light speed, never able to focus on one scenario before his mind conjured up a new one. He rarely slept anymore and spent the nights doing literally anything to keep his mind occupied and off of the way he missed her so desperately.

When he did sleep, he often awoke in a cold sweat, reaching out desperately to the empty side of the bed for her, only to remember she was gone. The scent on the pillows he clung to so desperately were fading, and with it his hope that he would ever see her again.

Out of the blue one day over a year later, he received a summons to Whole Cake. Hope bloomed in his chest again and he fought desperately to quash it. It was as likely that he would be given the news she was dead as he would that she was being released. The last time he’d been summoned without notice, he received the news that his wife was captured and the abrupt refusal to allow her rescue slammed home again.

“Katakuri, I’m giving you permission to go and rescue _____. The country that has her is no longer of use to me, so do as you wish, just let them know I have no need of them anymore,” Mama said, waving her hand dismissively. There was no preamble, no faking politeness. She told him what she had to tell him and was done with the whole thing. Regardless of how beneficial the marriage between _____ and Katakuri was, it didn’t mean she cared. If she did, she would have sent him after her much sooner.

However, Katakuri did and wasted no time. He gathered up his army, sure he wouldn’t need them but the display of power might prevent a fight.

It was a long trip, and every night Kata spent his time watching the horizon, waiting for the next island to appear because it meant he was one step closer to her, and at long last it appeared. The crew began shouting orders behind him, but Kata’s focus was locked solely on the horizon, processing through the future he saw.

As he intended, his display of force, and Big Mom’s severing of ties, cowed the country’s leaders and they released _____ to him. When he first saw her, his heart thudded in his chest, unadulterated happiness filling him as she made her way towards him.

It was quickly doused as he took in her emaciated, dirty appearance. The dark circles under her eyes, the torn and dirty clothes she wore, the bruises on her skin– underneath the dirt and gods-knew-what-else– turned his joy in a white hot rage. It didn’t matter to Katakuri what happened to the people of the country, he took his revenge for his beloved _____’s treatment in moments, leaving the capital in a smoldering wreckage while the doctors took his wife back to the ship.

Afterwards, when he peeked in on her, he found her fast asleep, stuck with needles to rehydrate her and treat the pneumonia and infections she had developed during her stay. His heart thudded in his chest, still unable to believe she was really in front of him. He really, truly expected it to vanish, for him to wake up in a cold sweat again and for his heart to break once more.

As gently as he could, he sat down beside her and took her hand, careful of the IV in her hand. Even that was enough to jar her awake, and she jerked up in bed, her head swiveling around in a panic. Eyes wide and breathing shallow, she looked to Katakuri like a terrified deer, ready to bolt at the smallest sign of movement.

“Shh, love,” he whispered, pulling his scarf down and pressing her hand to his lips. “I have you now.”

“Oh god, Kata, I–” she whispered, her head starting to spin and her vision growing black as the situation hit her. She was going home, home to Komugi Island and Kata, who was with her right now and she was safe. “Kata.

“I’m here, and nothing like this will ever happen to you again,” he answered, moving so that he was perched beside her on the bed. Her voice was sweet music to his ears, driving home that she was here. His hand came up, cupping her bruised cheek so gently it was barely a caress. Even still, she flinched as if he was going to hit her, and his eyes narrowed. Now that she was clean, thanks to some of the nurses, he could see the extent of her injuries, which were numerous. Cuts and abrasions, presumably from being dragged around, littered her elbows and knees and the bruises were too many to count.

“Kata, please, I just want–” she cried, hiccuping as she reached out to him.

Ever so carefully, he maneuvered around to hold her, careful not to cut off any of the tubes running into her, though he wanted desperately to rip them out and squeeze her as if he would never let go. If he had a choice, he never would.

Still, it seemed to do the trick for her; she continued to cry in his scarf, hiding her face away from him, but her sobs were quieted, only the shaking of her shoulders giving anything away.

He whispered to her, words of love and comfort, until the doctor came in to check on her. He started, seeing the Sweet Commander in bed with his patient, but quietly worked around him while _____ dozed on his chest. She murmured in her sleep a little while he fiddled with the IVs, but never woke.

Before he left, Kata asked about her general state and the doctor looked pityingly at her, his eyes soft with compassion. “Mrs. _____ has been through quite a bit in the last year. I’ll do a more thorough exam when we reach Flour Island but sir, she’ll need a lot of rest and care, I do know that.”

Katakuri nodded, looking down at his sleeping wife. She was pale, unhealthily so, from lack of sunlight, and so thin he could see her bones poking through her skin. She shivered, coming closer, and he jostled her slightly as he pulled her up, but she only nuzzled closer when she felt the warmth of his scarf around her shoulders and his lips graze her forehead.

“I missed you, Kata. So much. I thought of you everyday,” she whispered in his ear, tracing the scars on his cheek with cold fingers.

“I did too, _____. I waited everyday to come and get you. I’m so sorry it took me so long,” he answered, taking her trailing hand and kissing it. He made his way slowly up her arm, lingering at the deep bruises, until he reached her shoulder and paused. “Mama wouldn’t– She said–”

_____ stopped him, holding his head to her shoulder as she carded her fingers through his hair. “I understand, Kata. You’re here now, and that’s all I care about.”

He pulled back, staring into her bruised and dull eyes, so devoid of the emotions he used to see in them. But there was still that soft love as she stared back, and when he leaned down to kiss her, careful of his teeth in a well-practiced manner, she leaned into him, cupping his cheek in her hand.

He tasted salt as he pulled back and found her crying. Afraid he’d hurt her, he started to panic, examining her lips for blood, but found nothing but her smile. “_____, what is it?”

“Nothing, Kata. I thought I’d never get to do that again,” she answered, tugging on his scarf to pull him back, and he went willingly. The second kiss was slower, more languid, until she needed to breathe. “Don’t leave me, Kata. Please stay.”

Even had she not asked, he had no intentions of leaving her side for a good long while, and tucked her into his side, holding her possessively close as she slid back into sleep, half hidden in his scarf.

#charlotte katakuri #charlotte katakuri x reader #i really hope he isn't ooc #god it's so hard for me to pick up speech patterns in japanese subs #one piece scenarios

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spacesubie · 4 years

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"to be"

i love reading. as a child, it really was my escape. it really was my thing. always has been, always will be.

one of my favorite books ever is hamlet by shakespeare. i relate to hamlet in more ways than one. i LOVE that book so much.

the most iconic scene is when he recites his soliloquy, "to be, or not to be, that is the question: wether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer. the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. to die—to sleep...” ETC ETC.

i never thought much of it. until someone very special to me (my english teacher) went in depth and basically dissected the speech. i cant tell you guys how many times ive cried to him after class. so many times ive sat in his classroom listening to his awesome advice. anyway: “to be or not to be" // to live or not to live. in essence the whole soliloquy is just about choosing life or choosing death. deciding to persevere through life & it’s tribulations or giving in to what most think is the “easy” way out.

personally, i often found myself always asking myself that question. "to be or not to be" but it always came to me in different phrases.

a lot of times, more than i can count, i always found myself choosing "to not be." i always struggled with suicidal thoughts, i still do. every day. its not easy living with anxiety. its not easy living with depression. its not easy constantly being paranoid. sometimes death just seems so enticing. as a young girl, i dealt with so much pain. having an abusive father, bullied through middle school, dealing with an eating disorder and self harm, having a verbally abusive mother. i let people walk all over me. i never did anything for myself. so many times i chose death over life.

but, im still here. im still here. and being here, being alive.. that in itself is already a symbol a hope. everyday i've chosen "to be" even when i've wanted to choose "not to be.” all of my past days have been failed “not to be’s.”

so i've made it a “demand” (for lack of a better word.) ive chosen "to be" even when i want to choose the latter of the phrase.

and on the days i feel so utterly helpless, i will still choose "to be."

i dont know. i love it so much you peepz dont understand, its such a symbol of hope to me. choosing "to be." is the smallest thing yet strongest thing someoneone can do.

i also like to think it means taking care of myself. i’ve always sucked at caring for myself/loving myself. but in a way it means learning and growing. picking myself back up.

truthfully, God plays such an enormous role in this. i couldn't have just made it on my own. i owe so much to Him. no one loves me like He does. and for all my highly religious folk: God dont love me any less now that im tatted! argue w someone else. y’know? but yeah. that’s g’z new tatt. 🤟🏻🖤

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obsidiancreates · 6 years

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Mark Got Me Crying Gosh Darn It

So I just cried my little heart out. I procrastinated on watching Pain because... I don't know, I just did. I watched a little and then slept and played Skyrim. But I just watched the rest of it and...damn it Mark you made me cry. I don't know why I cried so much. I'm still a little teary-eyed. I've never really clicked with motivational stuff. My parents listen to and read a lot but it's never affected me strongly or stuck with me really. But something with Pain just clicked and now I'm crying. Good crying, just so you know. The worst pain I've ever been in...I barely remember. It was a few years back, I was maybe 10 or 11. I was visiting family for the holidays. First ever white Christmas. Long, long story short my appendix ruptured. I was throwing up even the smallest sip of water and I couldn't walk. I was so exaushted and dehydrated and starving that I had to just crawl or scoot from room to room. We all thought I just had a cold or something at first, because we all got sick with one when we first arrived. But when it got to the point I had to have a box with a trash bag in it with me at all times we finally went to the hospital. I was so out of it and just not function from lack of sleep, water, and food that I didn't care what was happening. They stabbed me in four different spots with the IV needle trying to find a vein that was just flat and dehydrated and I barely even felt it. Then someone touched my side and it just...hurt. Only when someone touched it. I can't recall the pain itself but I can recall my mom being super worried. They did some x-rays and discovered my appendix was ruptured, twisted up, and stabbing my liver. I was in and out of conciouness the entire time, but I remember fleeting moments of seeing the lights in the halls as I was wheeled around on the gurney. They gave me this stuff that tasted like the essence of bitterness and then I passed out again and went into surgery. Recovery is a blur too. I couldn't walk for a few days afterwards, I could barely hobble a few feet to the bathroom. My mom stayed in the room with me the whole time and it helped. The recovery pain was awful. They made three incisions and they HURT. Moving in any way just hurt. I think I partially repressed the memories or something because they're extremely fuzzy. I know that I was determined to get back on my feet so I practised walking again a lot. It hurt so bad but I hated just being confined to a hospital bed. I forced myself to walk down the hall outside my room a few times as practice. I can remember my mom and maybe a nurse cheering me on. I got better. I got better faster than expected and my recovery went smoother than expected and I think it's because I WANTED it to. I think my attitude or something helped out. I got released. My incisions were still big, bleeding-is-entirely-possible scabs covered in cotton and tape. I think the bandages had been removed by then but I can't remember. It still hurt so, so much. I was still so weak. I'd only been allowed to eat solid foods again my last day in the hospital, so my stomach was really small. But I made the most of the rest of my time with my extended family. I went ice skating for the first time. I went sledding and hiking. I was maybe a week or something out of the hospital and determined to just do things. I was in pain but I powered through. And I think why I cried so much at Mark was because I...don't have that anymore. I don't feel that zest for life or that "I'm going to do stuff even if it's hard!" attitude anymore. God, I'm crying again writing this. I just sit around and lay around. I hardly wrote or read and I never, ever exercise. I'm constantly forgetting or just refusing to eat, sometimes out of pure laziness and not wanting to cook. And watching his video just made me remember that attitude I had and wonder where it went. I genuinely almost died back then and now instead of making my time count I'm just...wasting it. The video made me realize I need to get that old attitude, the one that let me do a hike so soon after almost dying and being cut open, back. I need to find that old spark and grab it and not let it go. I need to write everyday because I want to leave something behind for when I do die, something I can be proud of. I want to be healthier and get better habits. I want to be positive and hopeful again. If Mark can go from thinking he's nothing and being fine with mediocrity to what he is, to who he is, now? So can I. So can anyone. This outro is cheesy as hell but I stand by it.

#markiplier #motivation #pain #positivity #getting better

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reactivebangtan · 6 years

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REQUEST: Are your requests open? I didn’t see anything saying that they weren’t so I’m sorry if they’re not. But if they are could you possibly do a BTS reaction to when their S/O comes home after a really stressful day at work and something really little and trivial sets them off and makes them cry? I work in a memory care facility and today was literally the worst. REQUESTED BY: anonymous WARNINGS: nothing! NOTES: this is so late but i hope your day got a little better! ♡

he could see it as soon as you walked in the door — your usual smile upon hearing his ‘ welcome home, sweetheart! ’ was dim, your eyes seemed distant ( he’d bet anything that your head wasn’t where your body was ), and even your feet seemed out of place as you moved from the front door. there was no telling what caused it or how bad the damage was, but he didn’t bother second-guessing himself when he asked: ❝ are you okay, babe? ❞ from his place in the kitchen — he’d gotten so used to cooking meals late to accommodate your work schedule that he simply found himself there around this time everyday — he could see the way your whole body tensed, the way you paused, the way his question rolled over you and he could see exactly when it hit you. it seems that was all it took, as even though your mouth never opened, the tears that immediately welled in your eyes and shook your shoulders answered his question all on their own. instantly, you had two strong arms wrapping themselves around your body and supporting your weight, allowing you to lean into him completely as the shell you’d precariously built around yourself came crumbling down. sobs shook your body, your limbs trembled with every inhale and your chest squeezed with every exhale, and even though seokjin held you up it felt as if the floor was coming out from under you. after consistently holding it in all day it felt almost therapeutic to let it go, though, and once he sat you down and your cries calmed into little hiccups and gasps you could feel the weight of the day sliding off you in languid, heavy waves. every once in a while his thumb would pass over your cheek to catch a stray tear, or you’d feel his mouth press to the side of your head, as if he wanted to make sure you knew he was still there, sitting with you — he never asked another question, never bothered to shush you, simply allowing you to get it all out until you couldn’t cry anymore. and, by the time you did finally stop, he smiled at you like your eyes weren’t puffy and your nose wasn’t running and your make-up wasn’t streaked all over the place — he smiled like it was his first time seeing you walk through the door, like he’d been missing you all day, like he didn’t mind all the mess. there’s no ‘ do you feel better, now? ’, no ‘ get it all out? ’, no trying to cheer you up and simply move past this, just the serene calm that washes over you when he brushes your hair back and kisses your forehead one more time. ❝ how does a bath sound? you can soak the day off, and dinner should be finished by the time you get out. come on — i’ll start it for you. ❞

yoongi tried not to take it too personally when your response to him showing up at your place was dismissive and almost tired, brushing it off as you simply being exhausted from working so much lately. he even chalks up the way you grumble to yourself while in the kitchen to mere fatigue, opting to hover in the doorway rather than get in your way as you seemingly argue with the vegetables and scowl at the seasonings. it isn’t until a certain scent hits his nose that he actually makes his way into the warzone, sniffing all the way up to the undeniable source before noting it as blatantly as possible: ❝ you burnt the rice. ❞ when his gaze moves from the mess inside the pot to your face he expects to see that glare fixated on him, but instead is met with you covering your mouth and turning away as soon as you notice he’s looking at you. a strange reaction to say the least, but then you were never exactly normal by any means, and it’s another thing he’s willing to excuse away until he sees the way your shoulder trembles and your breath shudders out of you, choking halfway out. it takes all of five seconds to realize what’s happening, before he’s rushing towards you with all the intent to make it stop and no real idea how. the first words that clumsily tumble out of his mouth are: ❝ it’s not that bad, ❞ but when your immediate response is a choked ❝ it’s not that, ❞ his shoulders are slumping a little further and his brows furrowing even tighter. he doesn’t try to assume what’s got you upset, aware of the fact that you’ll tell him sooner or later and that it takes more than an educated guess to understand. instead, he opts for taking you into his arms and shushing you, holding you as close as he can without completely suffocating you. yoongi has never been the best with affection, but he’s certainly not the worst, either — this shows, now, with the way his hand cradles the back of your head and leans it on his shoulder, and how he says nothing when he feels your tears soaking into the material of his shirt and hitting his skin. it isn’t the first time you’ve cried in front of yoongi, and yet you still feel ashamed through the tears and the sobs and the whimpers — clutching onto the material of his shirt, you try to stand up straight, to get yourself together, but your knees are weak and you’re so tired and all you can do is lean against him and apologize, because what else is there to do? ❝ i’m sorry — ❞ you start, but he doesn’t let you finish, quieting your weak, trembling voice with a strong: ❝ don’t be. just let it out. ❞ and, you swear he holds you a little tighter, pulls you a little closer, before you’re wrapped entirely in him.

❝ hey, babe! ❞ hoseok’s cheery voice on the other side of the phone line is almost enough to lift your spirits right away, and you almost feel as if he knew you weren’t feeling like yourself — he always seems to call when things start to look gloomy, especially when he couldn’t be there — the thought bringing a little smile to your face. ❝ hey, hobi, ❞ comes your exhausted greeting, spoken on a heavy sigh ( he’s always done that to you, dragged the air right out of you somehow, like a simple breath could knock away the weight of the world, like he has the right to steal your breath away ). ❝ what’s up? ❞ you exchange your usual conversation collectively recounting all the little steps of your day, odd chatter in the background of his end filling the silence between words and your solemn breathing, all as you prepare your dinner and buzz about your kitchen. another thing you loved about him; he listened to anything you had to say, soaking it all in like a sponge and relishing in it, all because he couldn’t be there with you to experience it all firsthand — it’s second best to the real thing, but it’s enough. it isn’t until you accidentally swipe your hand over the counter in a grand display to what you were explaining that conversation stops mid-sentence and he’s left questioning you as to why you’ve gone quiet — you say nothing, already feeling your throat closing up at the sight before you begins swimming in a blend of color and shapes as tears fill your eyes. food — the last of the food you have in your house — is now all over the floor and painting the sides of your counters, and you swear you see a crack in the side of the bowl you had put it all in. all hoseok gets is a quiet chanting of ‘ no, no, no, no, ’ and more questions than answers. sure, it was cheap food and the bowl was plastic, but you were looking forward to finally sitting down and enjoying something today, and yet it seems the divines have other plans. ❝ what happened? are you okay? ❞ ❝ no, ❞ you whine, voice now clouded and thick with the frustration and despair that had built a home in your chest and decided to, apparently, live there. his chest aches, too, when he hears the way you whimper helplessly into the phone. ❝ my dinner is all over the floor and i have nothing else to eat and the bowl is broken and it’s everywhere and — ❞ ❝ okay! okay, hey, breathe, ❞ it’s all he can do to cut you off, evening out his own breathing and listening for yours to do the same. ❝ it’s okay. it’s just food, right? you didn’t get hurt? ❞ waiting again to hear your affirmation, the smallest of smiles worms its way onto his face — god, you could be wailing at the top of your lungs, and he’d still think you’re cute. ❝ i’ve got an idea — can you wait to clean it up? ❞ ❝ yeah, i guess... ❞ you sniffle, wiping away the few stray tears that escaped your eyes in the midst of your despair. ❝ why? ❞ ❝ 'cause i’m coming over to help! ❞ he says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, and you can just hear the door close behind him as he saunters out into the world, on his way to find you. ❝ and, i’m bringing pizza. unlock your door for me, okay? ❞

a sudden gasp and a yelped ‘ no, please don’t — ! ’ from the other room is enough to get namjoon up and out of the professional stupor he’d been in for the last three hours, finally leaving his pen and paper behind for the sake of whatever you’d gotten yourself into this time. he’s prepared for something spilled or something ripped or perhaps something broken, but what he isn’t prepared for is to see you standing over something spilled, ripped and broken with tears in your eyes. your latest book, one you’d been particularly excited about reading, lay at your feet with the pages soaked through with juice you’d left sitting on the side, words bleeding out into the paper and smearing, one page even half-torn and dangling just past the rest. in an effort to save it, you’d grabbed the closest thing available — which ended up being one of your shirts from the day before — and began desperately pressing it to the pages in order to soak some of the mess up. it did very little, and only caused you to get more frustrated, which ended up in another influx of tears. ❝ hey, babe, it’s okay, ❞ namjoon’s soothing voice washes over you as he steps farther into the room, causing you to finally look up from the disaster before you. ❝ i can buy you a new one, alright? please don’t cry over it. ❞ his words drip with honey, sugared in sympathy and a level of care that only he can produce, just as his hands reach out to wipe away the freshest of your tears as they trail hotly down your cheeks. ❝ it’s not just the book, ❞ you start, lip quivering — his heart breaks a little at the sight of it. ❝ everything’s been going wrong today. everything. ❞

it’s impossible to imagine how frustrated you must be just by your words alone, but he’s got a pretty good idea — he’s well acquainted with the sentiment, knowing far too well how it feels to have everything seemingly out of your control, crashing down around you and swallowing you up in the aftermath. watching as you spare another glance at the mess that is your destroyed book and seeing the way your shoulders sag in defeat, he spares one last glance himself at the door he’d walked through only moments before and sets his mouth in a hard-line; work can wait, he decides. ❝ well, we can’t go wrong with takeout, right? ❞ a smile alights his face when you shrug in response, nodding shortly after. ❝ how about we call some food in and just chill out for the night? we can... watch some movies or something. something with a happy ending. how does that sound? ❞ his smile only grows when you notices your own slowly bringing itself to life on the deadened features you’d taken to, just as you reach up to swipe away the last of the evidence of your minor breakdown. you glow, again ( at least, in his eyes ). ❝ yeah... that sounds perfect. ❞

you’ve held it in all day, expertly avoided questions like ‘ hey, are you okay? ’ and smiled every time someone got a little too close to seeing through your facade. it took all the willpower you had to not either leave or breakdown in the bathroom, already beyond frustrated with most everything going on — it didn’t help that nothing seemed to go your way, everything that could go wrong was and absolutely no one seemed to care but you. because of all this, you can’t help the relief that washes over you when you’re standing in front of your front door, knowing that beyond lay not only a bottle of wine and a cozy bed, but also your loving boyfriend. ❝ jimin? ❞ you call out as you shut it behind you, unable to help yourself from seeking him out almost immediately. getting a soft ‘ back here! ’ in return, you begin trailing to the back of your shared apartment, a little smile beginning to bloom on your lips as the comfortable silence in the house lapses over everything else and peace surrounded you. you’re no longer paying attention to what room you enter or how your body swerves around different corners, only aware of the fact that he’d be waiting there with open arms and that dazzling smile of his at the end. it isn’t until your feet hit the cold tile floor of your bathroom that you stop to notice the walls that encase you and, in turn, the divine scene set before you. candles were precariously placed on all the places they’d fit ( one balanced on the sink, on the back of the toilet, two on the thin rims of the bathtub, even one on the floor ), water was filled to the brim of the tiny tub with petals delicately scattered over the surface and a pleasant aroma filled the air — cinnamon and sugar and sweet almond, a soft blend that hits you just as your eyes settle on the man you’d been waiting hours to see. ❝ what is all of this? ❞ you ask, and he doesn’t seem to notice the tremble in your voice right away, instead smiling sheepishly in return and averting his gaze nervously. ❝ well, you texted me that you weren’t feeling well, and you always do this sort of thing for me when i’m not feeling my best, so... ❞ when all he gets in silence in return he finally forces himself to look at you and gauge your reaction, as, for some reason beyond him, he was utterly terrified to see what it was. did he do too much? too little? did he mess something up? the horror only doubled when he saw you covering your mouth and tears springing to your eyes, threatening to flow freely any moment — the candles flickered against them, alighted them and gived them a glow, and suddenly all he wanted to do was snuff them out. despite the fear and anxiety, he rushes to you within an instant and hovers just outside of touching you for fear of provoking you further: ❝ ah! did i do something wrong? i didn’t mean to make you cry! ❞ ❝ no, ❞ you manage to choke out, one hand shooting out to balance yourself on his bicep, squeezing and trying to ground yourself; eventually, you have no choice but to shut your eyes and let the tears fall from your lashes. ❝ it’s nothing you did. this is — this is wonderful, jimin, thank you. ❞ the fear dissolves as your words spill as clumsily from your lips as your tears from your eyes, but the anxiety remains nuzzled into his chest, just as you do a moment later. this time, without hesitation, he wraps his arms around you and supports your weight as you try to calm yourself down, reign yourself in, and when you fail to do even that. ❝ did something happen at work today? ❞ ❝ something like that, ❞ comes your weak response. ❝ i’m sorry, jimin. you must’ve worked really hard to do all of this, and yet i’m... ❞ ❝ it’s okay, ❞ his voice is so sweet, so soft, whispered right into your ear, warming your skin. ❝ you know i don’t mind. besides, you can still enjoy it, right? ❞ sinking into his arms and filling your lungs with air ( and, in turn, the scent he’d chosen ), you allow your heart to settle in your chest and the tears to slow, the ache in your head subsiding — how did you ever get to be so lucky? ❝ can... we enjoy it? ❞ a chuckle is your immediate response, before he’s kissing the top of your head and smoothing his hands down your sides — he takes his time sliding his fingertips beneath the hem of your shirt and lifting it just as slowly, caressing the dip of your hip and the curve of your waist as he does so, and the rest of your clothes are slipped off all in the same way: ❝ i’d like that. ❞

water thoroughly soaks through the material of your clothing and the chill that comes with it sinks into your skin and aches in your bones, all of which cause you to tremble and shake. you can see no sign of the rain stopping anytime soon, and all you can think is how this is the perfect ending to the worst sort of day — it can’t get any worse, you mock yourself in your head. now all i can do is look up! right. you couldn’t look up if you wanted to at the moment, unless you wanted to drown, both physically ( which you know isn’t exactly possible, but after considering your luck for the day you decide not to take the risk ) and metaphorically. the noise of water hitting concrete drowned out your groans and little whimpers, the cold coaxing them out of you over and over, until you weren’t sure you knew how to make any other sound. thankfully, you managed to find an overhanging roof that you could tuck yourself under, but every so often the wind would blow the rain onto you anyway, and it dripped incessantly from above, soaking into your hair. without truly realizing it, you begin to tear up, salt mingling with the fresh water clinging to your form — it isn’t until you feel the warmth racing down your cheek and cooling by the time it drips off your chin that you truly realize. it made sense, after a day like this — it seemed no matter how hard you worked things wouldn’t go right, and you could see the annoyance in your co-workers eyes every single time you messed up even slightly, until you couldn’t bare to look them in the eye anymore. those you were helping never seemed to be satisfied, and your help seemed to just add to their problems, until you tried to hang back and interact as little as possible. eventually, this all added up to you getting yelled at and reprimanded for things you couldn’t really help, which, although it wasn’t your breaking point, it was pretty damn close. and, if that weren’t enough, you were looking forward to finally going home and being able to relax, maybe grab a glass of that good wine you’ve been waiting to serve and take a hot bath, until even that was taken from you as soon as you stepped up to the exit. you could feel the cold from the other side of the glass, and you tried to prepare yourself, you really did, but the walk back home was far too long for weather like this. still, you had no other choice. it is, afterall, how you got here. the world around you seems bleak, without life and color, and the sheer loneliness of it has you clutching at yourself in order to ground yourself — the feeling brings you back to the real world just enough for you to shove your hand into your bag and rummage around in order to find your phone, finally resorting to your last option. when the line clicks and you hear him shuffling around, you don’t even give him a chance to say ‘ hello? ’: ❝ tae? ❞ ❝ y/n? is everything okay? ❞ ❝ if ‘ okay ’ is being drenched and freezing, then yes, ❞ you try to reply smoothly, but you’re certain he can hear the tremble in your voice. ❝ are you, by any chance, busy? ❞ ❝ too busy to come pick you up? no, ❞ his reply is smooth, though, and it eases you just a little. ❝ send me your location. ❞ waiting there for him seems to take forever, and the lonely streets only get lonelier and lonelier the longer you’re left standing there, by yourself, anticipating everything and nothing all at once. you find yourself thinking things like ‘ what if he doesn’t come? ’ and ‘ what if he forgets? ’ despite knowing he’d never do such a thing. and, you thought you were crying before, but the relief that washes over you when you finally spot taehyung’s car is enough to bring it all back, your lip trembling and your eyes stinging. it’s damn near overwhelming, how it forces the air out of your lungs and has you clutching ever tighter to yourself. it doesn't get bad, though, until you actually see him stepping out of the car, your eyes immediately meeting through the thick curtain of water dividing you. with an umbrella in hand and his destination seemingly nothing but you, you get all choked up and practically run to him when he’s close enough. the umbrella just barely shields you both from the onslaught of rain, but it’s enough to get you both in the car, his clothes, for the most part, unscathed. and, in the immense relief comes even more as you feel the hot air coming out of the car, momentarily blinding you to the fact that you’re still crying. it was impossible to stop yourself, to shut it all down, and by the time you’re trying to simply it and the evidence of the torrential downpour off your cheeks, he notices. ❝ bad day? ❞ he asks, reaching out far enough to lay a hand over your thigh, squeezing. ❝ yeah, ❞ you breathe. ❝ the worst. i’m sorry for taking you away from whatever you were doing, though. ❞ ❝ don’t be — i didn’t even know it was raining until you called, otherwise i would’ve come to pick you up at work. ❞ not once today has someone said ‘ don’t be ’ to you today when you apologized, not once have they showed you sympathy, and not once have they shown you care. that is the final straw. ❝ thank you, ❞ you start, eyes watering and mouth turned up into the softest, shakiest smile. he only looks at you briefly, trying to keep his attention fixated on the road, but whatever he manages to see is enough to make him frown. ❝ thank you, taehyung. ❞ ❝ thank me when we get back to the dorms, ❞ comes his curt reply, another swift squeeze on your thigh stopping you from saying otherwise or arguing with his decision. ❝ they’re closer, and i don’t want you getting sick from staying in those clothes. this project shouldn't’ take much longer, anyway, so i should be able to spend some time with you tonight. we can... order take-out, and just sit around or watch a movie or something. how does that sound? ❞ ❝ sounds like the best thing i’ve heard all day. ❞

among the top of the list of things you love about jungkook is his spirited, competitive mentality that always seemed to push him to do his best in anything and everything — it was one of the things that attracted you to him in the first place, one of those things you find endearing ( most people look at you weird for that, but you don’t mind ), and something you deal well with. sure, you might get a little competitive yourself, but it didn’t seem to matter who really won to you when you were with him. whether you won or lost you got something out of it, whether it be his cute pout or his beautiful smile. this is why, after you got home and he could practically see the stress rolling off you in tangible waves, then proceeded to offer to play you on your favorite video game you couldn’t see it going wrong. a perfect way to unwind after a long day and vent your frustrations, right? wrong. every time you got your score beat and your ass virtually kicked it just seemed like a repeat of the whole day — you couldn’t do anything right, the buttons weren’t working the way they were supposed to and you just kept failing. you couldn’t even win one time! not once! just as quickly as the frustration had melted away when you stepped through the front door, it seemed to return just as fast the longer you stared at that damn screen, the bright colors and lively music taunting you. where his usual little whoops of triumph and victory dance might’ve warmed you on a normal day, today they only set the feeling in stone and weighed down on your shoulders like absolutely everything else. it isn’t until he wins for the tenth time that you really start to feel it, though, that overwhelming and suffocating sort of frustration that makes your chest ache and your head hurt and everything in you tense at the sensation of it. the controller protested with a subtle crackling noise as your hands tightened around it, and it was all you could do to simply look away and clench your jaw. i will not cry over this, you chant in your head. i will not cry over this. no matter of trying to convince yourself would work, though, as even though your eyes are closed you can feel the tears building up behind your lids. the heat of them is overwhelming, burning their way past your lashes and trailing down your cheeks before you can even try to stop them. ❝ babe? ❞ jungkook breaks you from your inner turmoil, just as he’s leaning close to you to get a glimpse of your expression, but can’t quite reach that far. ❝ you’re not really that mad about losing, are you? ❞ it’s all you can offer, a shake of your head instead of words that come out on a shaky breath and crack halfway up your throat, so weak in tone that you just feel that much more worthless. you know he can hear it anyway, that he knows, that you’re not hiding it as well as you would’ve liked to. ❝ babe? ❞ he asks once again, his question now soft and tender and so, so aware. ❝ are you... are you crying? ❞ there’s no need to look at him to know his mouth is turned down and his brows are pinched together, and there’s no need for him to see your face when he already knows tears are marring it all the way down your cheeks. suddenly, though, he’s moving from his seat to stand in front of you, his controller tumbling from his lap and clattering to the floor — the noise has your eyes popping open, only to see him standing there, looking at you with those big, worry-filled eyes. the sympathy is damn near tangible, rolling off of him in thick, languid waves that wash over you until you’re crying all over again. ❝ i’m sorry. ❞ ❝ it’s not you, ❞ you start, assuring him of your words with a squeeze to his bicep. ❝ today has just been — ❞ the words get caught in your throat just from remembering it all, leading to you momentarily choking on them. ❝ nothing’s been going right, i kept messing up at work, i can’t even do this right, and it’s making me feel so — so worthless. ❞ he never knows what to do in these situations, can never think of the right thing to say, too caught up in the fact that you’re hurting to think of anything else. the best thing he can do is run his hand down the length of your arm until he can lace his fingers together with yours, holding on to you as tight as he can in hopes of grounding you here, with him. ❝ you know i’m not... good at this sort of thing, but is there anything i can do? ❞ it takes you moment to think about it, but the idea comes quickly enough: ❝ could we maybe just... lay down for a bit? ❞ the idea of being all wrapped up in him is almost as therapeutic as the real thing, and you can feel your heart slowing down at just the thought — even if it’s just being close to him, or the smell of him, or his heat radiating against your side you feel calm instantaneously. ❝ yeah, of course, but are you sure you want me there? i just made you cry. ❞ ❝ it wasn’t you, ❞ you remind him, squeezing his hand right back. ❝ i couldn’t think of anything else today, other than coming home to you. being near you, it... it helps me. you help me. ❞ a sheepish smile works its way onto his lips, and he’s finally looking like himself again — worry is still evident on his features, but it’s become dim and overwhelmed by the joy now twinkling in his eyes from your words. ❝ let’s go, then, ❞ he replies, taking to picking you up straight out of your seat and depositing you into his arms, holding you close to him even when your squirming and exclamation of ‘ kookie! ’ says you can walk perfectly fine on your own. ❝ what? we’ll get there faster like this! ❞ ( and, despite your pushing at his chest and adamant wiggling, a smile has bloomed upon your face and your tears have begun to dry, that renewed twinkle reflecting in your eyes as well. )

#reactions.#requests.#bts reactions #bts scenarios #bts reacts to #bts reader insert #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #kim namjoon #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #they all came out so cute :(

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minetra · 4 years

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a confession i will never be able to make, cause i never was able to get closure, if you (and you would know who you are) are reading this throw me off a cliff pls thanks

(heyyyy, to those who know me personally from real life, i have one thing to say

fuck off.

this is shit i dont want you to see... if you read this ill fucking rip your throat out. im warning you now, if i even get the hint or the smallest suspicion that you read this you will never gain my trust again. your choice on the matter really)

(haha, this is not a joke i will kill you)

(if not, and you do not know all my friends and my address. feel free to read it and embarrass me, i probably would appreciate it lol) (i probably would need that actually since i cried multiply times writing this oop-)

warning: grammar errors, that’s it yup

below is a really long post, like long long if you manage to read through everything, have a cookie, cause honestly how?

(i did this instead of studying hooray)

(for such a heavy topic, i played the madoka magica gun song the entirety of writing this shit) (which now that i finished the post is so fucking funny to me lol)

hey, do you know me in real life? did you accidentally click the keep reading thing? okay.. turn back lol you aint suppose to be here silly! get ready for your ass to be kicked when i get out of quarantine :)

(you probably know how violent i was back in grade five to seven. dont make me bring that out again cause i will)

okay? right...

i wanna get hugs from you again,, you were quite warm and made something in my chest rise in speed,,, (i was always the one to initiate hugs in every encounter, i loved hugs, and at first you hated them...) (but then when you did hug first, i swear to god my heart burst) (hug me again, please)

i wanna hold hands again,, (god your hands are so soft, holy shit i couldnt stop holding them. not like clouds, or a pillow not that kind of soft. soft like humming my favourite song, or soft like your smile. that’s my favourite soft)

i wanna make you laugh with my shitty jokes,,, (my jokes are all shitty, but you laughed at some anyways, i cant seem to remember your laugh now... i want to fucking search for my brain for your laugh.. curse my shitty memory... but i do remember you smiling to them...)

i wanna make you sigh in a tired but amused way,,, (im an attention seeking bitch alright, i know that much...) (but that sigh,,, when you sighed at me because of my shitty antics... i missed that a lot... more than my cousins back home... more than my sister going away for years... i miss you really, that much is true) (is that selfish of me? yup. do i give a shit? nope)

im probably never gonna see you again, which is a fucking bummer (hahah, wow my chess is tight and i oop,,,) and im really shit at staying in touch with people (haha, shitty i know...) and honestly? fucking scared of how ill react if i see you again (i bursted into tears the last time,,, ill do it fucking again)

i never really told you, but you meant the world to me,,, and in those days where i have nothing to distract myself, or when im lulling myself to sleep... or when i remember that one picture saved by my friend at her phone...

i think about you, and i can never sleep again (you wearing that flower crown has actually cleared my skin, thank you-)

i remember for a project i had to describe something without telling what the thing was. the first thing i thought of was your eyes, and god do i like staring at them... (you always looked away when you caught me staring... from embarrassment i would guess, but how can i not stop when you always looked so stunning?) (everytime you denied that you were not pretty i would scream inwardly... how? self esteem issues yes, i get that, but holy shit i looked at you everyday.. you always got prettier)

your eyes are so so so so pretty, like a gray cloud in the middle of a brewing storm. but you were never really angry, not at me anyways... (no matter how many times i pissed you off you always found some way to like me again... i was good at being annoying, how-) (flustered you was the cutest thing i can think of) (i wonder, did i ever push to hard? if i did im sorry)

you were oh so sweet, like a fuji apple (never too sweet, i think you were the only time i thought of liking something that isnt completely made of sugar) but i can never describe you in one word, or with one item, you were just you... something so i loved very very much

i miss the color of your hair, sometimes i can’t help but think it’s the only shade of blonde ive found. i never found anyone with the same hair color as you, nobody else. like a single bright yellow tulip in a sea of dandelions.... but my god can you pull off any hair colour (howd you pull of green? witchcraft i dare say-)

shoes, you always wore one pair of shoes. vans (or was it converse?) black ones. i remember them cause you drew at the white parts. (whenever i saw anyone else who did the same thing i always thought of your shoes...) (that made me sad when i did remember, cause all it did was make me remember you) (i never saw drawing or painting on shoes the same after that, all those fuckin tik toks-)

i liked it when you drew (ha liked? the fuck i loved it) i remember the first time i saw art from you. an aurora with stars that shined against black wallpaper... (for something in the five grade, that shit blew my mind holy fuck) i dont exactly remember how i got one of your drawings, but it is here, in my room,,, (i see it and smile, i wonder, are you still drawing? painting? if you are thanks, you motivated me to draw til this day)

we were utter opposites. you were an introvert, you hung around cool kids a lot, overall, popular. I was a lonely extrovert, i didnt have many friends (im afraid that i was too annoying back then.. i still am lol...) (i remember that i was jealous of you back then, wack, back me could not handle how perfect you are) (even now that i have seen you “imperfections” i can now confirm that i am not jealous anymore thank fuck)

the chances of us being even friends is bizarre to me, like fate. in the short time span i spent with you, nobody else compared.

you were cool, you made me feel cool. i loved you so very very much.. i dont exactly know what my feelings are, but i can say you were my best friend. the best of a lot of people.

this post is so embarrassingly long, (you would have laughed from how many typos i made) if you ever so this i would snap my neck honestly

i completely fell for you, without even knowing... wack (hahahaha, i admitted it now,,, and im so scared... you know why im scared...)

(to the people who know me in real life. youll know who this is,,, you had the fucking audacity to read this shit okay fuck you) (but i really couldnt blame you, curiosity is fucking deadly, (you now know one of my most hidden secrets, one that i have kept for years, from anyone in rl) (so congrats, you earned title of asshole)

(if you did read this, youll probably have questions... but please dont even tell me you saw this post... dont like this post... dont talk to me about this post... and mostly of all... dont tell them please... my heart will actually weep... so please dont)

to those who dont know who this is, this is a person who was my friend. i loved them,, very very much

#i cried writing this like #fifty times #lmaooooooooo #i dont even know what to say in the tags #um #hi #you now know something my rl friends do not even know #congrats #yeyeyeyeyeyeeyeyeyeyeeyey #why the fuck am i even posting this shit #might delete later who knowss #aye litttt #panic?#panic.

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askluxnovalibra · 6 years

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Part 1 Hey can you please help me, I'm a libra sun sag moon scorpio venus and mercury (and dominant) and nobody has really seen me cry or sensitive and I feel like nobody rly knows me except for my brother, cousin, and two closest friends... but they kinda suck at opening up too, and my brother has enough psychological problems. I always get perfectly along with scorpios and capricorns and yin moons bc i understand how underrated and misinterpreted their suffer and pain are

Part 2 And there are these two friends: sag suns with scorpio/pisces moon… and they are so omg im sorry but its so freaking painful. They both have their problems but they both are so fckin shallow seriously. The pisces moon just doesnt understand what life is and is brutally ingenuous. And scorpio moon is such a b**** rly. She has a tough backstory her brother has always been a jerk (he’s mentally ill) And i though she would be great bc she always says she understands pain and etc.Part 3 And here comes the deal: I have been exposed to mentally ill ppl, ocd hysterical and completely evil people who happened to be my beloved family. At 14 I stopped having them and found out they were everything I didn’t expect them to be. I lost my whole childhood (wich happened to be my basic reason to live). At 15 I went to a sports school. They were our friends, we trusted them. One year goes by and once again I am betrayed by my friends and fall on the ground.Part 4 Then, comes the BEST part. As ive said im a scorpio venus. I fell in love at first sight with a boy that totally corresponded. Small detail: he had a gf. He now broke up with her so thats kinda nice (not to sound mean, rly) for me but whatever; I was 15 and I had been betrayed by everyone. At 16 I was dead inside. I didn’t get attached i didnt live i didnt like to be even awake i cries everyday before school and after school and before going to bed.Part 5 I even got to a point of cutting my arms bc i enjoyed knowing the pain i was going through was actually real and not “sumthin you have to go through, its life.” I met the scorpio moon. At first she seemed awesome. Until getting upset at the smallest thing. Im a scorpio dominant and i know i dont need to be like that. I know she just does this because shes immature and has no clue of life. Im sorry im doing this long ask but rly i need help. No one literally no one knows this.Part 6 No one knows i cry no one knows i ever even cut my arms. And no one even notices. Thank god tbh. No one knows and imagines what it is to cry and scream and DIE for a dude you don’t even know. I know it sounds exaggerated but its the truths. I cant fall in love with anybody else since im 15 and im 17 (turning 18 this year) I live in a house ik im moving out of but i dont know when. I live with my mom in my grandmothers and she is also mentally ill. My mom too is always mentally unstablePart 7 She’s been through everything no one should go through. My dad is f****d up with this house and always hides very well we actually don’t have lots of money. My brother is an amazing soul an exceptional person who fell in love almost 5 years ago and still has anxiety bc of what happened (he didn’t know her too) and has too many psychological problems. I’m stuck with myself and no one seems to understand. I’m so sorry for this post. I’m so, so sorry. It’s just I’m done. I’m tired of pplPart 8 Im tired of ppl making me cry Of ppl being shallow Ppl hurting me and seeing me as A B*TCH I just need someone that actually knows. That actually can tell me they understand me and they too hate it all like me. Im so sorry and thank you for having the patience to read this. ❤️💖———————————————————–

It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time in your life. I know it can seem endless, and it can seem like everyone is out to get you. Once you feel betrayed, it can be hard to trust people again. It is all too easy to be stuck in our own extreme emotions. After losing faith in someone, it’s tempting to write off everyone in your life as fake, shallow, and naive. Constantly replaying the betrayal in your mind will only do you harm. It’ll only make you more angry and more likely to adopt the “me against the world” type of attitude. You’re 17. You’re still young. You still have a long life ahead of you, and it would be remiss of you to go through life with that sort of attitude. You’ve been wronged, and it is alright to acknowledge that, but you must now think about the situation with your heart, perhaps not so much with your heart. The heart can be easily mislead, easily angered, easily fooled, easily spiteful, easily misguided. Consider moving into a stage of forgiveness. Forgiveness in this sense is not saying that those people’s actions were ok, forgiveness is more for your own sake. Start to detach yourself from the pain those actions caused you. Continuing to obsess over the transgressions of others will hinders your own progress. If the wound is to ever heal, you must stop picking at the scab. Let yourself move on. One way you can do that is to write everything down (as you have bravely shared with me, a stranger) on a piece of paper. Write out every hurt, every frustration, everything that keeps you up at night. Then tear it up, burn it, or throw it away. It clears the energy. It’s no longer a problem, it’s out of your head, and you are free to move on. Detach yourself from people you can’t trust. If they’re actively causing drama or unpleasantness, leave the situation. If you can, slowly stop reaching out to them, or say you don’t feel like hanging out. If you want closure, you could meet up with the, to talk. It’s harder when they’re your family members because you can’t really escape them, but you can still with them and talk out your problems. You can say “I’m having a hard time understanding why you did this …” or “I’m confused about this situation…” or “I felt hurt when this happened…”. You must also realize that most people aren’t complete bad. In a lot of what you described, I couldn’t help but think that perhaps some of those people aren’t actively out to get you. I think you may be too close to the situation. I would advise you to get an outside perspective. You reached out to me, and that is a great start, but I only have a limited understanding of the situation, and only from your perspective. I think the best course of action is to seek real, professional help. As someone who harms themself and who is surrounded by the effects of mental illness, I would seriously consider seeking out a therapist or counselor. I am not a professional. I do not know you personally, and so the advice I can offer is very limited. Seeking someone who has gone to school for psychology will be able to help you much more than I can. It is brave of you to share this, and it’s a good sign that you’re willing to reach out to others. Consider asking for professional’s help in your area. Likely your school has access to counselors and can refer you to a full-time therapist.

I really do wish you the best 🌸

#long #long ask #advice

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jassieajoc · 6 years

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Dim

I can still remember the very first time I had an anxiety attack. It was a morning on the way to school, I was with my kuya and our driver. I was still in 3rd Grade that time and I can still remember the sudden anxious feeling, It was like the whole world was swallowing me alive. I can still remember myself being so confused. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I was doing okay and the next time I knew I was being paranoid. I felt shitty that day. That day something grew in me. Something foolish and dark. And I didnt know that that something would be the start of my fucking life.

The first time I hurt myself was when I reached High School. Freshman year. Still so clueless of the world ahead of me. Still so innocent of the things I havent tried yet. So eager to try. So naive to care. I was having so fun but deep inside I was lost. I was scared. I was too ignorant that I forgot to think that there would always be a consequence. You see, thats the downside of having fun. The downside of being so happy. There would always be a fucking consequence. I got so insecure. I got so selfish. I thought my family didnt love me anymore. I thought I was going so bad that I became mad and then I got rebellious. I started cutting myself. I tried drinking alcohol. It was the start of losing myself. Sophomore Year came. I was doing okay. I wasnt as bad as I was. But I was as lost as before. The sad nights were still there. I got called names. Bitch. Slut. I got called names for being too friendly. For trying to distract myself from my evil self. Now im back again on hurting myself. This time, I would stay up all night thinking foolish thoughts. I would cut myself again but this time I cut my legs so that its easy to hide. I did foolish things in school again. But it was the kind of fun that makes you forget you are sad. I was doing okay after that but im still lost as ever.

The first time I had a suicidal thought was when I was still 11 yrs. old. Following the first time I started hurting myself. I had it all planned. I would hang myself and leave my suicide note below me. I already even wrote the fucking note when my mom went inside my room and saw it. And it was the first time I saw my mom, broken. I broke my mom. After it happened, people knew about it. I was more ashamed when they told me I was being stupid. They thought I was just fooling around that time. That I did it to have the things that I want. They told me I was just being spoiled. That Im too young to take things seriously. Too young to feel sad. Thats when I started being careful. Every time I feel lonely and sad, I would keep it all to myself. Scared that people might tell me im stupid again. I dont wanna broke my mom again. I dont wanna be a burden just because im thinking I really am a burden.

It was Junior Year when I got called names again. This time it was more hurtful. Sometimes they would tell it to my face. Sometimes just by the look from their faces I would already know —“what a bitch”. Maybe I was really a bitch. Maybe they were right. Maybe they’re not ones who were insecure, maybe I was. I started blaming myself. “Stop fooling yourself” “You’re not good enough” “You dont have the right to feel bad. You’re the one who’s doing it to yourself”. Then that was the time i realized, I have the shittiest self-esteem ever. Ive tried a lot of things this year. Lots of firsts. Crazy, fun, dangerous, and shitty things. I also started making myself look good. Feel good. But in the midst of all that, Im still losing myself. I was lost than before. I wanted everyone to love me. I wanted them to notice me. What the hell am I doing? “This wasn’t me”, I tell to myself. No matter how hard I try to be better, self-hate always wins. I was still hurting myself during these moments but this time it was quite different ‘cause a friend knows and im glad that despite all this negative things, someone cares. Up until this very moment Im still thankful for that friend. You know who you are, and God knows how grateful I am to have a friend like you. I couldn’t remember some serious (negative) things during Senior Year. It was a smooth sail. But not the smoothest ‘cause i still had fights with my ex boyfriend. I got so worried about my grades. I was stressed doing schoolworks. But to add it all up it was a great year. So great that I thought I was doing okay. I thought I had overcome that feeling. But little did I know, it was just hiding at the back of my mind.

The first time I tried killing myself was when I reached College. Funny how the older I get, the more serious it became. See when I said I thought I was doing okay? Wrong. Little bitch was just resting. Waiting to attack me. It was gone for a year but the moment it came back, it was stronger. It was all over me. Now that Ive been carrying this bitch for almost 6 years now I think its time for me to give it a name. Lets call it, Dim. Why Dim? Well you see, the word dim means having a limited or insufficient amount of light, seen indistinctly, perceived by the senses or mind indistinctly or weakly. And dim is the perfect word to describe what im feeling all these years. The feeling of darkness. Dim wasn’t really that strong at first. He was quiet. He was as if trying to be friends with me. It was my first year of college so I was busy doing homeworks. Trying to figure out how college life works. First sem done and I thought I became friends with Dim already. Until he betrayed me. My boyfriend that time and I broke up. My whole world was shuttered. I was so down and Dim was the only one who was always there with me, so I let him take over my life. That was the time when I started avoiding people. I refused to go out, I stopped going to my classes. I was so scared. 2nd sem was a blur. A complete blur. Summer came and it was… okay. I guess. It was the start of fucking up my life. Walwal dito, walwal doon. Landi doon, landi dito. I was sooo lost that I forgot to have some respect for myself. All I can say is, that was the wildest summer that I had. I bet ya’ll waiting for the part where I tried to kill myself. Then here you go. January 2017, I had the worst anxiety attack ever. It was so bad I thought I was going insane. I called the suicide hotline but guess what they told me? THEY TOLD ME TO GO TO THE NEAREST HOSPITAL. Great. There I was crying hysterically on my bed. Alone. There I was wanting to end my fucking life and ya’ll gonna tell me to go to the nearest hospital? Crazy. So yeah, I had the pills on my hand when I thought “Am I really gonna end my life just because Im scared? Just because I didnt know what was happening to me?” Then I called 911. They asked me whats the problem and I only told them one word, “suicide”. They asked me who and that was the moment I broke down, I told them, “ako po”. I can hear them panicking and then there was silence on the other line. Then an another woman talked to me. I told her everything I felt that day and she told me nice things to make me feel better. We had a good talk and I was crying the whole time. She somehow convinced me that suicide is not always the answer. I owe her my life. Fast forward to March 2017, I got sick. I got bacterial infection —not STD, from someone whom I loved so much. For the second time, my mom cried in front of me. For the second time, I saw my mom broken. I broke my mom, again. I became lost more than ever. I was so ashamed of myself. I was so angry. Why do I always fuck up? Ganyan na ba talaga ako ka bobo?

The second time I tried killing myself was 2 months later, I started falling for this guy. Who lied to me. I was a mistress the whole time, and I didnt know. My mom eventually knew about it because the wife was a pyscho —Sorry not sorry. I disappointed my parents. AGAIN. Only in a span of 2 months I was a disappointment, again. You see, Dim was winning this time. He was already bigger than me. He was all over my room. He was all over the building. He was all over me. That was when I took the pills. I can only remember myself falling asleep and the next thing I know I was at the hospital. After 7 years of dealing with that bitch Dim, I was finally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. After 7 years of trying to hide the pain, my parents finally knew about it. After 7 years, my friends finally realized that I wasn’t fooling around. I wasn’t being overdramatic. There were pros and cons to this situation. Pros, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly understanding. I felt free. It felt like nothing is holding me back anymore. It felt like I finally won over Dim. I felt stronger than Dim. Cons, they finally knew about my depression so they were overly protective and hella paranoid, thinking I might blew up in any moment. Even though I felt free and stronger than Dim, I can still feel his presence. I still feel weak. Ive been seeing my doctor every 2 weeks now. Im taking meds. People are helping me. Months have passed and I thought I was really okay now. I thought I had it under control until 3 months later, I can feel him all over me again. It seems like the pills are not working anymore. I started keeping secrets from my doctor. I started telling lies to my family and friends just so they wont worry about me anymore. Im even back on hurting myself. I cut my wrists and legs. I tried overdosing myself again. Twice this time. It gets worse everyday. Its seems like Dim knows my weak spots now, he knows where and when to hurt me. I keep blaming myself even on the smallest things. Sometimes I think, what if Im going insane? What if Im never going to be okay? I dont even know anymore.

I didnt write any of these so that you’ll pity me. I didnt write any of these to make ‘papansin’. I didnt write any of these so that you’ll know my story. I wrote this so that all of you people who are reading this can understand. I want you guys to understand that depression is never a joke. Depression isn’t easy, it never was. I want you to understand that even the smallest things can hurt a person a thousand more. I want you to understand that depression isn’t just a bad day. It is a never ending battle between you and your mind. Depression isn’t just being tired because you had a shitty day. It is a different feeling piling up until one day you cant deal with it anymore, you’ll blow up. Depression isn’t just being lazy. It is the thoughts and the paranoia that makes you feel so tired you can’t get out off your bed. It is the heavy feeling that sinks you deeper, makes you not wanting to wake up, hoping you can sleep the sadness away. If you know someone dealing with depression, help them. Support them. Sometimes, presence helps. Just being there for them helps. Even a simple hug can make them feel a little better. Listen. Dont say anything. Just listen to them and hug them.

This is for the ones who fought and never survived, Im sorry. Im really, really sorry. Wherever your souls are right now, I hope you now have the happiness you pretend to have. The happiness you truly deserve. For the ones who are still struggling from their demons, I am here. We are here. Its okay to cry, its okay to lose your shit but sweetie, just remember to never ever let your Dim beat you. You are stronger than him.

A small act can change a person’s life. Right this moment, somewhere, someone needs your help. Ask. Because sometimes, you can either save a person’s life or be a minute late.

And right now, you’re too late.

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cakethegreatxx · 7 years

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The Reason

I didn't breakup with you because I don't love you anymore. I broke up with you because we grew toxic for eachother. We crippled eachother, we lost ourselves in our love and drug use, we needed to find ourselves again. We needed to learn how to take care of ourselves. We needed our families back, and i did everything i could to get mine back. That ment losing you in the process and vice virsa. How can someone choose between family and your bestfriend you've loved for almost 4 years? I hear everyday how proud they are for me ending it. I broke my own heart trying to make other people happy. We had our fights, but I could never stay mad at you. When I say toxic, I don't mean that we abused eachother physically.. emotionally though it was on purpose. There was a time we forgot about the whole world, put eachother before everything. You've turned down jobs, disconnected with your family, stole from your family for me. Just to support me. I couldn't let me, stop you from becoming the best you, you could be

I wanted you to feel happy, I needed you to see there was more to life then just me. I went at it the wrong way. I was harsh because it was just to hard letting you go. I haven't let go, and I don't think I will. When I said I'd marry you, I ment it. I still mean it. I tried to get over you, many times. Do you know how much pain and agony ive put myself through trying to grasp the thought that we don't need eachother to be happy? I held it together, though I was dead inside, no one had a clue. 4 months later, when i found out you were in the hospital, i cried and panicked. I paced for hours trying to convince myself that it was all a dream. I want to take it back, you taught me to love. You showed me what love was. You made me feel like i was the only girl on the earth. You showed me there's more to life, that everyone has a chance at happieness. That I create my own happieness. That life was worth living. That we were fighters. Thats when i lost it. Thats when i realized im stuck in a relationship that was basically an excuse and coverup of my emotions. The last couple of weeks, my breathes have been shallow, my heart is mangled and my brain is an active war zone. The day you almost died snapped me into reality. I am stuck and dont know what to do or say. Everyone thinks I'm over you. I really thought i convinced myself that i was in fact over you, but im not, I never was. My life is a lie. All I do is think about is you, I try to imagine your voice saying its going to be okay, we'll get through this together. Writing all this out makes me realize, there's no amount of apologies I could give to you my love. Just a reason, and my feelings. I miss your warmth your hugs gave me, it was a different type of warmth. A sense of comfort. Love isnt just an mental attachment, love is a feeling you can't mistake for others

Love can be the best feeling in the world but it can also rip your soul apart. Love can be a feeling of pure happieness and joy but only with you Tanner, i don't want us to be a disant memory or just a dream. How much time does it take to get over a true love? Is it possible to hate someone who was once your love, your smile, your reason to be, your everything? Someone you spent every waking moment with. Someone who you had created the absolute best and worst times of your life? I hate that in your point of view, i just broke so many promises and lied to you. I never lied to you, i never talked bad about you. I still stick up for you. Why do you refuse to say my name? Why do you act like nothing ever happend? Yell at me, scream at me, talk to me please, show me because im still in love with you. I'll always love you. And if it's ment to be, we'll find eachother again like the books say. I will search for you. I will fight til you're back in my damn life. It may take months, fuck, even years. But you are my soulmate... it's the smallest things that make me miss you. Your laugh, Your sleepy voice, the way you get my attention when you want something.. I miss being comforted by you, you've taken my sadness away before... it's just a matter of when it will happen again. I miss the teenage us, I miss the careless nights with you, I miss our crazy camping adventures. I miss just cuddling you. I miss the trust we had. We were strong, just going through really rough times. You are my home, You are my human and I know I'm yours too. Just let me in... I'd rather be dead or alone than without you forever. I was so desperate to get over you, I didn't know how to do it, I fucked up. I jumped into a relationship, it was sort of fun at first I guess. But, now its gone to far. I cant get out of this relationship without bloodshed and tears. He lives with me and my family now. My parents love him, are like best friends with him. Theyre closer to him then me and him are. Literally. I havent slept in my own bed in weeks. God, i dont even remember the last time i kissed him or even look at his face. I cry alone at night just wishing he was you. Nobody compares to you. I'm drowning and no one knows. I don't feel comfortable at home anymore. Do you know how hard it is to avoid someone without having anyone notice? I hate how I can't even say your name without ridicule. It wasn't all dark times. I loved you before I knew how to love myself which is probably why I'm so torn. I didn't know what real love was until I met you. You taught me to be myself, you showed me what good feelings were. I loved you before drugs, before we altered our brains, I fell in love with the real you, and you brought me to life. You stuck up for me, loved me at my worst, you delt with my moods wings and emotional breakdowns. I'm not saying I just love you for the good times but for all of it. Bad and good. We fucked up and did some pretty horrible things to eachother.. but at the end of the night, we were in eachother's arms whispering "I love you, forevers and evers baby" "you promise?" "I promise baby" ...what we had was real, and it's only a matter of time. I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Please look past everything that happened between us and remember how you felt with me, how you talked to me, how you love..(d?) me. Remember us. Remember our loyalty and trust for one another. Let go of the past and tell me you feel the same way like I know you do. Look past incidents and reflect on us just through emotions. Don't feel with your words or memories. How you feel when youre in my arms is all that matters, does your heart race? Do your ears get hot or do you get crazy goosebumps? Is your body like magnets or your insides like putty? Or is there nothing? I need to know.

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love-ndletter · 7 years

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man today and tomorrow suck/gonna suck

:/ ive had like no appetite for a while i have to like force myself to eat and drink when i feel dizzy cause i just dont wanna?? and my mouth hurts cause my wire was tightened and the bands make them hurt worse.... and i just feel so stressed for no reason??? and tomorrow i have two memorization tests in a row and i cant remember anything from either of them and im struggling rlly bad because of that. like i physically cannot for the life of me remember definitions of social shit or remember numbers and letters??? i cant even read numbers and letters properly i always mix them up for like no reason ????? why???? and its not even just here and there its like literally multiple times a day and it sucks. and my mom keeps yelling at me for the smallest things (saying yep when answering the phone, for not eating today, etc) im just so tired of it..... how many times have i cried since i got home?? i dont know anymore lol. and i genuinely feel like my friends r getting tired of me and despite not having much school work piled up i still am buckling under the weight and its just a huge mess. i take the vitamin d everyday so why does i still have these huge depressive moods for weeks at a time? i cant even do laundry until its last minute which gets me yelled at. i dont think ill eat tomorrow either, i feel sick looking at food and my teeth hurt too much to eat anything anyways. normally if im this stressed i might ask for a day off but those tests tomorrow..... and mom will take my electronics away so no music to relax with so like the point of having a relaxing day is pointless anyways. im so frustrated ugughghghg what to do anymore........ im going to go to bed early, i dont have anything else to do.

#battery blogs #battery acid #long post #i think im feeling some backlash from the sudden major poverty too so :/#idk

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lost-in-the-blithe-blog · 6 years

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26 March 2018....May 2017....yeah.

2 May

Review goals.

Running type exercise.

I will see how I do Wednesday. Last month I surprised everyone, including myself that I did so well. Hope I can do more. I hope it means I am improving.

Write every morning.

I have to get back on track. I have been slacking some in this area. I would say I need to improve.

Floss teeth.

Everyday unless I'm so tired I can't function.

Volunteer.

Maybe I'm doing what I can?

Budget.

I'm still working on this daily. I just had some ideas the other day. We will see.

Spend time in nature.

I'm outside more. I need to improve this. I want to stay inside more than I think is good.

Think about what you want to do, not what you want to have.

I want to travel but it can be so hard for me by myself. I really need a traveling companion. Ive been thinking about what I can learn and build. I am somewhat limited in what I can do. But I have some ideas.

I think some of my goals have made me more tired. I hope that the tiredness doesn't last forever. Who knows.

11 May

I have been thinking a lot.

It will bother me until the end how simple facts are to understand. And yet most people still rely on truth.

I am a big believer in truth. I do believe in ultimate truth. But truth can be very subjective because what I understand to be true, my neighbor my not believe.

Facts are more black and white. A person has green hair or they don't. My tire is flat or it's not.

Some things are easy to answer, if we will let the answer be simple. There are answers that require more complexity.

One thing that I have discovered about myself is the fact that if I become emotional, which is very easy, I can not do physical tasks nearly as well. If I laugh I loose physically control. If I cry I lose the ability to control my body in some way. If I cry, get angry, anything, my physical abilities are very limited. It is a fact that I have to live with. Human emotions, while important, do not serve anyone well at times.

We all want to believe we are logical, rational beings. In certain situation we may think that our logic and reason are leading us someplace. The logic of logic is not the same as the logic of emotions, the two have to work together but there will never be a perfect compatibility.

We, as humans will always be of two minds. In many ways we value reason and logic more than we say we value emotions. They are both important and must work together.

14 May

I forget at times. My super power is not talking and mostly listening.

I see how awful I was before my stoke. I was told one day how despicable things I did were. I see the truth of that now.

There are things that need done but I don't have to do it all.

21 May.

I love working out because it creates needed changes in my body.

I hate working out because I can feel those changes happen.

Before the stroke, at times, I thought, I can move, that's enough. Now I can't move in some ways. Granted it’s more neurological than physical, and it dives me nuts that I can't do things. Still I want to do more.

It drives me nuts when I can't do something. I am very willing to try. If I can’t do something, I can't do something.

I am the first person to admit how wrong I can be, about a lot of things. Still if others want to think they are right at times I will let them. At times, I know I'm right.

We all have to be brutally honest with ourselves. Break everything down to the smallest thing. To use a mathematical term, the least common denominator.

Essentially I have been forced to self analyze.

Alma taught the Zormites:

3 Therefore they were not permitted to enter into their synagogues to worship God, being esteemed as filthiness; therefore they were poor; yea, they were esteemed by their brethren as dross; therefore they were poor as to things of the world; and also they were poor in heart.

4 Now, as Alma was teaching and speaking unto the people upon the hill Onidah, there came a great multitude unto him, who were those of whom we have been speaking, of whom were poor in heart, because of their poverty as to the things of the world.

5 And they came unto Alma; and the one who was the foremost among them said unto him: Behold, what shall these my brethren do, for they are despised of all men because of their poverty, yea, and more especially by our priests; for they have cast us out of our synagogues which we have labored abundantly to build with our own hands; and they have cast us out because of our exceeding poverty; and we have no place to worship our God; and behold, what shall we do?

6 And now when Alma heard this, he turned him about, his face immediately towards him, and he beheld with great joy; for he beheld that their afflictions had truly humbled them, and that they were in a preparation to hear the word.

7 Therefore he did say no more to the other multitude; but he stretched forth his hand, and cried unto those whom he beheld, who were truly penitent, and said unto them:

8 I behold that ye are lowly in heart; and if so, blessed are ye.

9 Behold thy brother hath said, What shall we do?—for we are cast out of our synagogues, that we cannot worship our God.

10 Behold I say unto you, do ye suppose that ye cannot worship God save it be in your synagogues only?

11 And moreover, I would ask, do ye suppose that ye must not worship God only once in a week?

12 I say unto you, it is well that ye are cast out of your synagogues, that ye may be humble, and that ye may learn wisdom; for it is necessary that ye should learn wisdom; for it is because that ye are cast out, that ye are despised of your brethren because of your exceeding poverty, that ye are brought to a lowliness of heart; for ye are necessarily brought to be humble.

13 And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.

14 And now, as I said unto you, that because ye were compelled to be humble ye were blessed, do ye not suppose that they are more blessed who truly humble themselves because of the word?

15 Yea, he that truly humbleth himself, and repenteth of his sins, and endureth to the end, the same shall be blessed—yea, much more blessed than they who are compelled to be humble because of their exceeding poverty.

16 Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble; or rather, in other words, blessed is he that believeth in the word of God, and is baptized without stubbornness of heart, yea, without being brought to know the word, or even compelled to know, before they will believe.

(Alma 32:3-16, Book of Mormon)

The way I see things. I am the ultimate beggar. I have to ask for help with a lot. Not because I want the help but because I require the help. It is hard to tell someone you need help.

My stroke forced me to work in a way I didn't want to. I hope you can figure it out on your own.

23 May

There are so many things in life that don't make any kind of logical sense. Humans are emotional creatures. We want to think we are logical and rational. We are more closely ruled by our emotions.

At times I would say that the logical reaction is to be upset. But getting upset about things is sure to fail us most of the time.

24 May

Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind. My daughter had her talent show earlier than expected so that created a rush so we could see it but we made it. I decided to stay at the school and eat lunch with my children. I don't know if that school and the district do the Michell Obama program, but the lunch was pretty good. I've heard and seen pictures of horror stories. So I ate lunch with my children. I watched my sons puppet show. It was awesome. He wanted me to stay but I had to go. Than when we got home I realized I had forgotten my ID. Back to the school. Got my ID. Back to the house. Wait for the cleaning ladies to arrive. I realized how tired I was. I made two audible sighs. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful.

Over all I hate how tired I can get and I hate watching TV. I've watched everything I want to and now I'm just looking for something to make noise. What a life.

27 May

I will never understand how some people think. You ask for financial help and they help. Then they bring it up again and again. You pay them back and then they say it was a gift. If it was a gift why do you even talk about it. Thank you for the help. Why do you bring it up and hang it over my head like you want to use it as some kind of leverage to get your way.

I am one of the most grateful, and appreciative people you will ever meet. I just don't understand the need some people have to maintain control over other people. Sure we all want our own way.

I am the type of person now that has to rely on others for a lot. I hate it but it is a fact of my life. In many ways people could demand all kinds of things from me. I'm glad they don't. Some people try. Some people do. I really try to avoid asking some people to help me. They ask for all kinds of things in return without speaking a word.

I have been forced to evaluate how everything in my life is done. Sometimes I can make changes. Other times compromise is truly not an option.

One thing that we have to ask ourselves is what can I do and what can't I do. Something we must consider. If people are involved what can they do.

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idksheepthoughts · 6 years

Text

Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me.... any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that? yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter? and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing and here we are, situations reversed

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here (5) so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm. and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x (6) .those thoughts make me want to die

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.

Her: oh, now you believe me after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/ like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for (8) i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account where you seem ot think i live a dandy life (9) it fcking sucks bc im trying my best! anyways im done lol oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much) that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online and we've been civil lately but ok! i guess i don't care! because im living it up! #sarcasm (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either, i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :) (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :) god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed. But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something "idc if its an exaggeration" ^^^^^^^ unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao (11) apparnetly you get to be and i dont thats how it always is did you ever think about it feels for me when my only friend does shit like this constantly like lmao ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care LOL and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it? but you just want to assume, assume, assume (12) i cried already out of anger

Me: I didn't have friends in college either

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser. I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong???#my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post

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