#ive been stressing myself out SO BAD

[littleseasalt]

"forever is a bad dad to richa-" SHUT UP!!!!!

#qsmp #qsmp forever #qsmp richarlyson #id also add in the book he wrote for the egg museum where he talked again about forever being the one who took care of him the most #but i dont have the patience to find it in vods to screenshot it #also sorry but. some people on twitter have been stressing me out A LOT over their opinions on their relationship #ive literally been stressing about it since i woke up i needed to release this stress somehow #< also im thinking of doing a long post talk about what their relationship is and isnt #bc whenever theres angst/fight between them people take it as an opportunity to mischaracterize BOTH forever and richas #in a way that makes it clear that the person 1. doesnt keep up with forevers pov #and 2. only knows richas through one pov #like. ok #disagree with forever however you want youre free to do that #i myself think he was in the wrong in multiple situations (like the tallulah fight day) #BUT SURPRISE!! SAYING HES A BAD DAD IS LITERALLY SO WRONG!! #PEOPLE CAN MESS UP!! PEOPLE CAN MAKE MISTAKE!! NO ONE IS A PERFECT PARENT!! #NO ONE ALREADY KNOWS HOW TO BE THE PERFECT DAD AND THERES NO SUCH THING AS BEING A PERFECT DAD!! #PARENTHOOD IS SOMETHING YOU LEARN ALONG THE WAY!!! #AND LEARNING HOW TO BE A DAD IS A CORE TRAIT OF FOREVERS CHARACTER SINCE DAY ONE!!!!!!! #saying hes a bad dad literally goes against canon statements from richas #saying richas is uncomfortable with forever goes against canon #“oh but i mean in the emotional way” ok so you never watched a forever stream before #because when they fight. richas ALWAYS opens up to forever later on how he felt #the fights HAPPEN because richas is comfortable making drama in front of forever #if richas' didnt feel comfortable he would literally just “suck up” his jealously and not show it often but he does shows it often #if richas was uncomfortable after fights he would just apologize and never talk about his feelings #but after the tallulah fight? he told forever about how romero richas affects his body and how he feels #after the armor fight? he told forever about how he felt towards his own life #to which btw BOTH of these times where he opened up #he had never talked about that with anyone before

[possiblytracker]

coughs loudly. scheduling this post for slightly later today so i have time to get lunch and not chicken out before it goes up

firstly i gotta apologise for dropping off the face of the earth. in hindsight it was creeping up on me for a long time I just didn't think anything of it/had enough stuff going on to ignore it for a while, but ive been wrestling with pretty abysmal mental health that just kinda hit me like a truck back in august. i wont get too much into it but things just ground to a halt and in the span of a week or so it legitimately felt like i stopped being a Person- i just stagnated, felt like i lost the ability and will to do anything or enjoy things or create like i used to, all my energy went into keeping it together in front of my family, and it made me way too anxious and ashamed and guilty to want to show my face. like who would want to put up with my stupid bullshit, right (wrong! that idea just made me unbelievably worse and i regret it extremely, but my anxiety was going extremely unchecked at this time). i don't think i've ever been that depressed before and i didn't at all know how to handle it or begin to claw my way out

fortunately, a combination of getting exercise + touching grass regularly and new enrichment/hyperfixations to latch onto like an orphaned duckling are very recently kicking some life back into me so to speak. who wouldve thought. and now where i used to still feel stomach-turning dread and paranoia thinking about getting back on tumblr and discord a week or two ago, it finally feels like i can handle dipping my toes back in. i'm making this post first bc i know most of my friends will see it, and that feels less taxing than explaining myself a bunch of different times over and over and dragging it out, but ofc i will try and get back into conversation when and as i can (askbox and discord is still best to reach me if you wanted). i'm just really sorry, and I hope you can forgive me, for making you worry or otherwise

i'm not sure what to do from here (i'm considering maybe moving main blogs to a clean slate eventually? this one will still be here i couldnt bear to get rid of it, i've just had it since i was 16 there's Baggage attached) but i'll be trying to ease my way back into relative normalcy before doing anything big ofc. in the meantime i will be vaguely floating around here again. see you around and thank you for your time..

#cryingcat.png #god i hope tumblr doesnt send out a stupid notifcation to all followers that i posted i dont know what the time limit for that is but augha #here i am tho either way #vent/ #i have missed people the entire time it is very hard to describe how stupid and cowardly it feels knowing i Could come back at any time #but also being utterly paralysed and afraid to do so. like surely i could just suck it up and i Tried but i am so so mentally unwell #i need to work on how fucked up my freeze/flight response to stress is really bad it ruins my life but i am still too unemployd for therapy #so my broke ass just has to deal with unpacking my own shit for 2 months/j #anyway the point is even tho i am getting better somewhat irl ive still been struggling to pluck up the courage to come back online #but i can't keep it up forever and completely shut down just bc it makes my anxiety superficially feel 'safer' #so here i am. feeling slightly less full of dread. bc i at very least owe it to everyone to let you all know im not dead or something idk #and i also owe it to myself to not be miserable on purpose forever!! #now i just have to get everything unmuted and wait for this to post see you on the other side

[jiggery-duggery]

how I look suggesting to my group partners that we do our bio presentation on vultures

#reggietales #specifically how they evolved convergently and might throw in a note thrown in on conservation too bc theyre. in trouble!!!!!! #they said they didnt have any ideas and we needed a topic i was like 'well i do have one idea..........................' #they seemed receptive so we'll see. i feel kind of bad like im forcing them but!!!! augh!!!!!!! we needed a topic and i had that one in min #and they said they were cool with anything so. idk i stressed that we rly didnt have to do this topic i was just throwing out an idea i wan #them to be interested too. its not fun if their hearts arent in it. we can pick p much anything lets do something well all enjoy yk? augh #i hope its ok. i hope theyre not secretly mad at me. mayb i should have been quiet. idk #i hesitate to use the word neurodivergent to describe myself bc ive never been formally diagnosed with adhd or autism #and i also dont think im negatively impacted enough by any traits i share w those disorders to qualify to have them #but i am for sure fucking abnormal about birds and vultures like. hyperfixation is the only word that fits. maybe even special interest idk #like i almost dont WANT to do this topic it weirdly feels like. selfish??? idk im just. aaaahhhhh!!! lmao #*staring haggard and weary at myself in the mirror gripping the counter with a white-knuckled grip* i will be normal i will be normal i wil

[magnuficent76]

I stared at the mirror, trying to see myself. Everything felt exceedingly clear at the moment, like I could feel every sensation and noise around me– the buzzing of the yellowed out lamp above, and the way my blood runs corners around my veins, and my heart beating steady in my chest. I'm lucid as it gets. More than that.

Yet I couldn't see my reflection. There was nothing in that mirror.

My hands clutched around the sink. I tried looking deeper into it, leaning in more, trying to find wherever it— I?— went. I feel my hand touch my face, confirming I'm still physically in the room. I'm lucid. I haven't drank. I haven't. In the mirror, only a vague silhouette appears, its face covered completely in erratic black squiggles. I really should've taken my meds this evening. I take a deep breath, clawing my cheek just barely, and close my eyes.

"You're a person, Baltazar." I say. The words come out of my mouth without meaning. "You have a purpose. You have a life. You can see yourself in the mirror just fine." Nothing happens when I open my eyes back up.

"You're a person, Baltazar." I try repeating, squinting at the mirror, squeezing the sink. "You're a person, do you hear me? You're lucid. Look at yourself in the mirror and see your reflection." Nothing happens. Nothing will happen. "You're a person…"

The sink cracked under the pressure applied to its ceramic. Just barely noticeable, but present.

"Hey, Balt?" A voice broke me out of the trance I found myself in. A very pretty woman stood in the doorway, with long, blonde hair, and her lipstick slightly smudged. She wasn't wearing anything, but I only came to notice that several seconds later. What's her name again?

"Are you okay?"

Those words echoed in my head. Am I? Am I ever okay? What is "okay" supposed to mean? "Yeah. I'm just… doing something." I replied. I think I'm smiling, but I can't seem to feel my face.

She seems worried for a second, her lip tugged into a frown. "Are you sure? You were talking to yourself. I thought you said you were coming back to bed."

"I'll go in a second, I just want to brush my teeth," My eyes blink rapidly for lying, but she doesn't notice it, thankfully. "I'm trying to hype myself up. Big game is coming up and what not."

"Alright, well, hurry it up. It's harder to sleep without your big arms around me." She whispers, wrapping herself around me. One of her hands trails around my chest, caressing my collar bones. She kisses my shoulder, and goes back into the other room. I feel nothing.

I look at the mirror one last time. It has no one in it, but a dark silhouette with a scribbled over face. For some reason, it still fills me with disgust. What a sad excuse for an existence.

"...you're an animal, Baltazar. Nothing else." I mutter, my voice suddenly vitriolic.

With that, I wash my face, braid my hair, and go to sleep.

#magocs #my oc stuff #original character #original art #my art #my writing #artists on tumblr #writers on tumblr #original content #oc #my ocs #solar years #oc: baltazar #ive been stressing out about writing lately so heres a quick thing to try and unstick myself #baltazar having a no good very bad awful day: the saga

[myriadsystem]

.

#personal #i have doctors appt today with a new doctor its literally not even a real appointment i just need some stupid forms signed #but guys im so stressed im so scared ive already cried once about it today i just. i fucking hate doctors so so much #theyre all so bad. im not in the mood to be dismissed again today and its 15 goddamn degrees so everything feels bigger and worse than it is #if they dont sign the form i dont get paid any more and if i dont get paid i cant continue to try and sort out my medical #which means i continue to not get paid and im just. so scared. so so fucking scared i dont even care if we find the start if the path #to vetter my health i dont care about gettinf better right now i just need this fucking form signed but #ive already been dismissised for it once and i have new doctor jitters. what do you mean i have to tell someone new that #i have ptsd and anxiety and depression and fibro and alleged bpd but its probably autism actually and hope #hope and prey they losten to me because its other doctors that have told me this and im definitely computer illiterate i couldntve come up #with all this on my own i promise ive done zero research into my own symptoms i live with every day im a simpleton im an idiot #please believe me dr refer me to ypur colleagues for further testing but in the mwan time sign the one form i need please #im so scared. i dont know what to do. my tarot says to tryst myself and find my own authority about the situation #but like literally legally i cant i have to rely on the hope this new doctor gives her signature or i dont get fucking paid as stated #i hate this i feel so shaky and nervous and nauseous and awful 😮‍💨 #and im supposed to do groceries today. im at the very end of my shopping like if i dont go get food today #then i dont eat tonight but its cold and rainy and im super stressed abt the appointment so idk if ill be able to go shopping after #i dont wanna die anymore but like rn i kinda do this is too much today feels like too much #help me im drowning

[databent]

[pained wailing emoji]

#.pdf #rd #THE REST OF THIS IS JSUT ME WHINING. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE #i dont wanna go to work ‼️‼️‼️ i feel like i am nearing a breaking point i am sofucking burnt out #every time i go to work. my brain gets Scary at me. stresses me out. dont like it ☹️ #im supposedto be going in tonigjt but im dreading it sososo much #my work hour options have changed from “fully flexible” to “7am-9pm only” whcih yeah i know that doesnt sound that bad. but i have non-24 #(circadian rhythm disorder that makes me sleep progressively later every day circling fully around the clock over ~3 weeks or so) #and bcos of it often i have to force myself out of bed in what my body thinks may as well be the middle of the night just to get to work #and then i dont ever get enough time to recover from that to actually let my sleep fall back into its natural schedule wjich is the only #time i feel properly rested. so essentially im chronically sleep deprived which is making me chronically stressed and way less productive #i just reslly really want to fucking save up a little money and just Not work for a week or two. bjt. with my sleep bullshit i cant really #work enough to be able to put anything aside. at all #so. kind of an unrealistic desire i guess. lol #ive been feeling like this ever since like early january when i was told i ahve to stick to a more normal schedule. & its only getting worse #idont know i just wishthere was something i could do that was fully flexible on timing but also doesnt havw the kind of workload that would- #-stress me out like basically anything with longer-term projects so ykmow Most flexible schedule jobs. #i do have one thing in mind i could do on my own but its dumb and probably wouldnt make much money and has startup costs i cant afford rn..

[ratbastarddotfuck]

as a young queer whos pronouns are "eh whatever i dont care" 😭, ppl either default to "you look like a girl so its she/her for you forever" or violently shaking with anxious energy. helppp

Godddd i feel you. Stay strong brother.

#for the record when i made that post i wasnt doing it from a 'young queers suck' pov #i consider myself a young queer im 24 #ive just noticed that the specific issue I'm calling 'Any Pronouns Anxiety' tends to come from younger queers #who are in this very online pure identity focused space #where if youre not calling someone the 'correct' pronoun you are categorically bad #so when some of us don't have a 'correct' pronoun it really throws them off and stresses them out #(sorry im a lil defensive bc i have been accused over and over of hating young queers because i didn't write a million caveats in the post) #anyway yeah good luck with your gender i hope it goes well in future #the system speaks

[the-trans-dragon]

Wow there sure are a lot of posts about [specific trigger I have] lately. I've unfollowed some people over it. Some have posted opinions I disagree with very strongly; some have posted opinions I do agree with. Either way it bothers me too much to see it. I don't want [specific trigger] mixed in with my Cat Photos And Memes App.

So if I've randomly unfollowed you recently, that is probably why.

#sorenhoots #i cant even make a dni about it because i cant say it or type it because its too big of a trigger. #“you cant hide from things you dont like” is an irrelevant argument. ive been trying to cope with this for 20 years and i do not benefit #from Surprise Random Exposures. it stresses out my brain so badly. also i do hide from this thing IRL as much as i can. “if you dont get #exposed to it youll never get over the trigger“ thank you very much for your concern but my mom brings it up to me multiple time a week and #it gives me nightmares that make me scream myself awake and then procede to have horrible mental health for hours or days so. i dont want #anyone to think im being weak! it takes self-introspection and bravery to remove bad things from my environment. im taking care of myself in #the way that works best for me. i know that nice people wont be mad at me for that but...i guess my brain is just worried about other people #mocking me for it so i am pre-arguing against it. which doesnt do any good but. idk. anyways. send post.

[ozlices]

i have to make appointments & also let my doctor know id rather continue one of the new meds she put me on bc it actually helped but ive been completely unmedicated for 2 fucking days & the thought of doing Anything makes me wanna throw up im so over being a person

#mine #i rly do not have it in me to make appointments dawg i have medical trauma can i get used to one new doctor #before im tossed around like a gd hot potato to numerous others. i literally attend my appointments w my cane #what's not clicking abt me having VERY fucking low energy in the aftermath of sm straining stress bruh #but like i dont have a choice bc i could have some of my meds stopped if i dont see certain doctors & im just here like 🫠 #i feel somewhat stupid like damn i rly thought finally i had a chill doctor w common sense but no i still gotta fight for my gd life #just be given say over MY OWN GODDAMN WELLBEING #'oh well this causes physical health concerns' to be completely blunt idfc anymore. #truly i fucking do not #my body is a fucking nightmare my entire system resents at this point bc we always have some lvl of bs going on w it #we've no choice but to stop fucking caring bc the numerous mental strains we're dealing w worsen them ON THEIR OWN #& also like literally fuck off bc my body wouldn't be this shit if doctors actually TOOK CARE OF ME PROPERLY #before it got this bad. #there's no fucking fixing shit now by worsening my already overwhelmed & strained body/mind by making me a gd hot potato #if im not Actively Perishing or on the immediate brink of the risk IDC #I NEED TO FUCKING BE ALLOWED TO //CHILL THE EVER LOVING FUCK OUT// #//that// SHOULD BE THE PRIORITU #ive been strained for YEARS but esp since last year to a CONSTANT degree #can i fucking get one GODDAMN foot on the ground to pick myself back up jfc #im so tired & annoyed & sick of there always being SOMETHING #i just wanna fucking chill & finish my preps to stream again & get back to pursuing what i love please #im gonna LOSE MY MIND

[theclosetedskeleton]

ONE OF THESE DAYS IM GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE/NEG

#guys guess who got jumpscared by the kosa bill again (me) #A FEW DAYS????? MY ONLINE PRESENCE IS DETERMINED IN A FEW DAYS???? kms/NSRS #the internet is like a safe haven for me if KOSA passes i may lose my marbles for fucking real #at least i have my qpps phone number #im not losing my qpp regardless of what bills pass #( i say this trying to be hopeful im so scared im gonna lose everything i have on here) #to top it off my ALREADY strict parents literally block so many things from me on their own I DONT NEED THE GOVERNMENT TOO #ive just been so stressed out of my MIND this past week the KOSA bill isnt HELPING. #i read a post abt KOSA a few minutes ago and let me tell you my heart DROPPED #back on the internet save haven place for me thing #it is literally the only place i can express myself like say that im trans because i dont trust anybody else angel emoji #AND ive met some of the most wonderful people on the internet #the fact that it could all be over because some 65 y/o politician says that we need to 'protect the kids' is so fucking messed up #like bitch you KNOW what youre doing you KNOW how bad this is you just want to control kids #into believing stupid things!!! why do you think LGBTQIA and mental health topics are being blocked bc of KOSA!!! #NEWSFLASH!!!! YOU WANNA POUR PROPAGANDA INTO PEOPLES MOUTHS #ughhh #closet rambles again on tumblr

[mrfoox]

The fact I refuse to confront/inform the people who have basically ruined my mental state and my ability to function bc that would make them feel bad is honestly bonkers

#miranda talking shit #I cant say id be having a good and normal life if i wasnt abused as a young child but im 90% sure I'd not have this must trouble #Id still have my autistic and add problems but my anxiety and depression would definitely be a lot better #Its... Insane. That my older brothers probably have no idea how much they have actually ruined my life/mental state from such an earlh age #As 4 yrs old... Hell they might not even remember it or even think it was a 'big deal'. I know my second oldest brother probably falls into #The latter. I know now that they both most likely have undiagnosed adhd/autism and they used me as a way to act out/feel better #But being told youre stupid. Fat. Ugly. Useless from the age of 4 like... I cant stress how much it have ruined my self image #Ive tried to build confidence in myself and love myself since my teens and i can barely say im 'avarge' without doubting it #Like they also hit me but that's nothing compared to the mental torture i had to go through on an almost daily basis #Funniest thing is that bc it happened/started when i was so young i didnt think it was... Bad or weird or abnormal. #I started crying when my parents told me to go tell my brothers it was dinner time. I was terrified of knocking on their doors #I still to this day 20 years later am still incredibly uncomfortable and anxious talking with them and i havent been able to make much of #An relationship with them bc of it. Im scared to say anything to them even if its simple shit. And men/boys in general ive thus been #Terrified of since i was young. Once again i thought it was normal to mistrust and be scared of men until i was in my teens #I wish i could hate them i wish i could be angry i wish i had someone to blame #But no my brain is too nice and give excuses to them. Their actions are excused. They have ruined me mentally but thats not their fault #Fuck that might be true but they were still 6 and 11 years older than me. I didnt have a chance to protect myself in any way #I wish someone saw i wasnt okay. I wish someone understood that i wasnt well. I wish someone saw me. #Negative #Abuse

[bloodcoveredgf]

i literally cannot keep living like this

#oh god... having one of those moments.... < guy who knows i will fail time and time again like always bc i am incapable of getting better #with the Current resources and support i have and the state of myself and my life... would not be saying this if it werent true its #bad for me guys and ive been fighting for like 10 years and it just gets worse and ive dug myself into a massive hole its going #to take so much effort and time and help and resources and genuine professionals help to get me out of... and i dont have that right now so #i just rotttt... its awfulll... i need to do better i really do its just extremely hard to take care of myself and to Care about myself #and to get the motivation to push through the pain and stress and agony etc that comes with recovering and trying to get your life together #especially when its just me... and i suck at sticking with that and holding myself accountable and giving a shit about myself #plus i need like. therapy and medication lol #delete later #vent #sorry about venting Just needed to get it out in the tags. damn... i will get through it i will find a way

[eigengrauone]

grinds teeth. i am alone and dismissed

#im fine tho . i just have to work on my essay due in half an hour #but ive given up on it being on time so its kinda whatever? #but yknow. as soon as possible would be nice #and i have been left by myself which is both good and bad #and then while voicing my concerns told well maybe just work on it #wow yes i think just saying that over and over even when im just trying to make myself feel better is very helpful thank you #like i know theres nothing you can do specifically like im not expecting anything from you #but thanks for just continuously ignoring me and repeating the same thing thats really fucking helping #in fact thats for ignoring me for like the past couple of weeks #whenever i try to reach out just because i miss my friends and like talking to them im just ignored #and i get it we were all stressed and busy #but would it kill anyone to try? at all? #when someone has an issue im there instantly no matter whats going on with me #like when i sat on a call for hours instead of the work i was planning on doing #but esp recently that same decency is not extended to me even if i just want to talk about something just silly or whatever #so no this isnt about your fucking sucky work ethic or whatever this is about being a goddamn friend #but its fine #ill see you this summer i guess #npc don’t look #<- not abt him #tbey.quote

[vampyrluver]

I love my brothers so much i want to protect them all wasaaa

#.txt #i love my parents but i think they r harsh nd mean nd not self aware at all #my parents dont believe they were strict growing up #but my moms the same one who took my phone away for a while year bc i was depressed #my parents r the same ppl who didnt lwt me do anytbing growing up #i literally didnt ask them to do anything bc ik they wpuld say no #i was so paranoid in highschool i couldnt even enjoy my free periods without thinking id get in trouble from my dad #my parents are now being rly strict nd harsh to my youngest brother #nd im doing all i can to support him but its also hard bc the fee times i disagree w my parents they get mad #so ive leanred to keep my mouth shut nd talk to my brother privately about my support for him #u kno how messed up it is tht i cant side w my brother in front of my parents #i have a lot of trauma from my parents nd ive done A LOT to better myself so it makes me feel so bad seeing the same things happen to my bro #nd my other brother he is literally the poster child for traumatized kid nd its insane to me how my parents dont see it #he moved out the second he could nd hasnt been living back here since #my parents stress abt like oh why does he hate us blah blah blah its bc u guys r not nice 😭😭😭 #like how r u not self aware omg kids turn out a certain way bc of the ppl who raised them come onnnnnnnn

[aroacesigma]

.

#ramblings #stressing tf out rn so quick rant ignore whatever just need to get it out usually makes me feel better #my school has its awards ceremony in two days #and this year theyve decided theyll only tell you if youre getting award not the ones youre getting #which is fucking stressful #as bad as it sounds i dont really know what im going to do with myself if i dont get top of the grade #i know it sounds really fucking full of myself but like #at this point i feel like if i dont get it im a failure absolute fuckup because ive gotten it 3 out of 4 years #really all i have is mya cademics yknow im pretty bloody useless otherwise #anyway this year has been . yeah . #like ive done well but i dont know if ive done the best #they never tell you who got top of the grade until the night but you can usually tell from who gets the most subject awards #but now theyve changed it and i genuinely have no clue and its so sosososos stressful #oh and all this makes me feel like im so incredibly self obsessed and full of myself which is wonderful #whelp itll be over in a few days i guess .

[crystallakec]

holy hell i love your art 😭 HOW ARE YOU SO TALENTED omfg

(if not too much to ask: got any art tips IM SORRY I GOTTA KNOW. i gotta know what you do to make your art look like it was made by gods)

*nervous sweating*

#LONG LONG LONG TAGS BELOW BE CAREFUL BECAUSE I GOT EMOTIONAL #OH MY GOD HOW COME I DIDNT SEE THIS EARLIER #dsaudhuisadh tysm anon!!!T_TT waaah this means a lot #for any art tips...well since me myself is totally an amateur so I cant really give out any cool useful advice #but one thing that came to me earlier this year that is kinda important #is to absolutely. draw for yourself. do whatever makes you happy. trust me just try to snatch back that vibe you have in your cringest year #if you like oc x canon do it!!!oh you like this cringy little character ??draw them one million times!!! #I think after I kinda made some progress after I realized this. It's still ok to care about numbers and get sad or jealous or anything. #I understand that. but try whatever makes you happy..!! #just so you know I basically started learning anatomy(or adults etc)from end of last year. I was always a cartoon/chibi artist before that #Ive always wanted to draw adults/muscle/anything other than chibis but i was so afraid that ppl will laugh at me if I did it too terrible #then I realized...who cares..!! I'll do it anyway because that's what ive been!!thinking of for so long!!it will makes me happy idc!! #and here we are ^_^^ yayyyyy!!!still bad at it but you see at least i have the courage to post my works!! #sorry for saying so much I just hope ppl who had the same troubles like I do to be happu T_TT draw for yourself #dont stress yourself out!!