#it's more. i just have SO many emotions idk even know how to feel.

[tenjikyu]

𝘋𝘳𝘶𝘯𝘬 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘬 𝘩𝘰𝘮𝘦 - 𝘔𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘬𝘪 - 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘝

౨ৎ ⋆｡˚ Finally, the finale! After wayyyyy too long , fluff, the ending idk how to feel about but you’re getting what you’re getting and I wanna be done with this series already + I need modivation to get back into writing , it gets pretty romantic with Freminet but nowhere near NSFW.

PART IV • GENSHIN M.LIST

Tag list - @fisbred @gimmealamp @lucianidealz @sleepdeprivedpotato @unemiart @camryn-ciel67 @aruaruru @danika-redgrave124 @bunbunboysworld @kaoyamamegami @aphxdea @red1sg0ne @sleepndacloud @squishyboo @ally674 @hoo-hoo @probablynoposts @junevtv @og-winnie @exrellian @f0th3rr @cb97s-laptop @moonjellyfishie

The familiar green bard before you took off his hat with a bow, sending a friendly wave towards the other three in the room, whom were sharing knowing glances. In the many times you recounted your story to them, the green bard remained consistent with each retelling. You spoke of him with the fondest eyes, and the siblings could almost feel the pure love the bard had for you even before meeting him themselves.

In a count of shock, you quietly excused the both of you to the fontainian siblings, before closing the door behind yourself.

The two of you went on an emotional and very much sentimental walk, reminding you of the days you would talk to Venti about your problems and your struggles. About how Diluc’s 180 change in personality once he came back from Snezhnaya was a scary turn of events. About how Kaeya’s icy attitude rivalled his vision, and how much it upset you. About how the knights and maids couldn’t seem to get off your ass, despite your best efforts at politely telling them to fuck off.

You reminisced about your time in Fontaine to the archon, and Venti only nod his head and gave you a smile as he walked alongside you, pretending that he hadn’t snuck into the nation countless times to check in on you. You spoke of your growing relationship with the Fatui member, and how the Hearth children had taken you in as one of their own. How Navia had taken you under her wing and you didn’t spend a cent whenever she was around. How you and the former Hydro Archon were each others comfort buddies whenever bad thoughts came to mind, and how you aided eachother into adapting to the new world around yourselves.

As you recited your amazing time spent in Fontaine, the more and more you realised to yourself that you really didn’t want to go home. In the moment, you wouldn’t have noticed it, but looking back on it, it was clear that was Venti’s intention the entire time. He knew you better than you knew yourself, and he could see the internal debate you had been having with yourself since the incident. And so, giving you the chance to clear your mind if the bad, you had come to the conclusion that you didn’t want to return to Mondstadt anytime soon.

“Mondstadt will always be the home of your birth, however it’s also the nation of Freedom. Freedom to fly wherever you want to go, and wherever you want to build your nest and settle down. No matter how long you stray from Mondstadt, it will always have a home waiting for you.”

Venti’s little speech had you in tears, and he opened up his arms just like all those years ago.

In a world full of uncertainty and the unknown, the arms of an angel would always be there to embrace you.

“At last, we’ve made it back to Fontaine!” Lyney practically combusts. Everyone around could see how dearly he was missing Fontaine, especially his twin sister who heard ALL about it.

“Hey (Y/N), wanna go for a dive later?” Freminet questions out of the blue, and you nod your head. You knew whenever he went into the ocean unexpectedly, in this case the second you got back from a LONG trip, that he had something private he wanted to discuss with you, and so you made sure to never decline.

As the day came to an end, you prepared your diving gear that freminet had ever so graciously bought you for your birthday (yk him being rich and all, fatui money goes hard) and met freminet at the rendezvous.

As he took your hand in his own, he guided into the water as he’d done dozens of times before. The oceans of Fontaine never seized to amaze you. Its gentle touch soothed your skin to the core, and as you descended into the depths of the ocean, Freminet never once let go of the grasp on his fingers.

The two of you enjoyed what the ocean had to offer you. Freminet tended to stick closer to the top of the water when you accompanied him, too paranoid to take you deeper as you weren’t as experienced as he was. Regardless, you continued admiring natures aquatic gifts. You found pearls, danced with domestic blubber beasts, picked flowers and located lost treasures. All the whole, Freminet was yet to let go of your hand, not because he was afraid of you running off, but because he simply refused to let go.

Freminet never wanted to let go of your hand.

Freminet never wanted to let go of you.

The skies soon turned dark, and signs of a storm were appearing, so Freminet was quick to escort you out of the water. What was originally subtle signs of a storm was now a full blown storm, and running back to the gates & all the way back to your home, all the while laughing your asses off, was having you fall further and further in love with every step you ran.

By the time you made it inside, the lighting was begging to strike & you immediately went to lighting a fire in order to help the both of you warm up. Freminet removed his cost he chucked over himself when collecting your left-behind gear, and it suddenly dawns on you how beautiful Freminet was on the outside. You always admired Freminet’s inner beauty, his charming and reserved nature, yet sticking up for himself and his own if needed, but you never really took the time to admire how gorgous he truly was. His hourglsss waist, his long golden hair, his long eyelashes, his slender thighs. His form captured your attention, and it didn’t take long for Freminet to catch your gaze.

“(Y/N), is there something on my face?” Freminet questions,

“Nah, come sit down by the fire, you just be freezing” you murmur out, patting the ground next to you.

The both of you sit in comforting silence, a common occurrence between the two of you. But for the first time, a bubbling urge rose from your stomach.

You wanted his lips.

You knew how he felt, and you had for awhile. Freminet kinda… sucked, at hiding his feelings for you, especially his ruined confession. And so, you decided to take the lead for once.

You slowly grabbed his chin, and his eyes widened in surprise. You slowly took his face in your hand, and tilted your head as you neared his face.

He didn’t take his eyes off you the entire ordeal, and as he closed his eyes, you took it as a sign to finally seal the deal.

You gently pecked his lips. It was somewhat quick and gentle, however when he leaned in and kissed you again, you couldn’t hold back any longer.

Freminet slowly moved into your lap, kissing you not with lust, but with passion. You grasped his slim waist and continued the assault of kisses on his face. The both of you continued your passionate yet loving make out session until you were both out of breath.

As you parted away from eachother, Freminet took your cheeks in his frigid hands and pecked your cheeks, before cuddling into your lap. Leaning against the couch, the both of you held eachother closley, absorbing eachother’s warmth.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to do that” Freminet giggles, before cuddling closer into your neck. You sighed gently to yourself, before shaking your head lightly.

The both of you fell asleep embracing eachother that night, and suffered the consequences of not properly washing up after being in the rain. (Lyney fussed over the both of you, cooing at how cute the both of you looked with bright red cheeks and blocked noses. Lynette, ever your saviour, made herbal tea to quench your aching throats.)

A knock was heard at the door of the Winery, and Diluc’s curiosity heightened. First, Kaeya had received a letter in scribbled handwriting to meet at the Dawn Winiry (with a cheeky drawing of a certain musician at the bottom of it), leading Diluc into letting him in. Then, the charming melody of a lyre enveloped the air, which seemingly had no bard tuning it.

Now, a knock at the door?

Kaeya and Diluc looked at eachother, and decided to open the door. After all, the person knocking is either someone else who received a letter or is the mastermind behind this little scandal.

And so, on the count of three, the opened the door.

Three…

Two…

One..

“Hey Diluc, Kaeya. Long time no see, huh?”

Thank you to my OG DWH series followers, I can’t thank you enough for the patience with me and this series. Hope this didn’t disappoint.

#genshin impact #genshin #genshin x reader #genshin x male reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x male reader #ragbros #diluc #kaeya #freminet #freminet x reader #freminet x male reader #lyney #lynette #lyney and lynette

[skayafair]

I like episodes 1-3, but it mostly felt like setting the pace and everything in general, introducing the characters, all that stuff.

Episode 4 is the one I REALLY liked upon the rewatch. It was just - a lot. Details, mostly, but I really-really liked it.

Episode 5 has Edwin's adorable "brrrr" about not being used to so much emotional load for a single day and, well, everything else. Like Charles and Crystal's trauma, bonding, pretty actual topic of the ways abuse can happen in relationship - there are so many faces of it in a single epidode it's crazy. And the parallel of all this to Jenny's date with Maxine which mirrors the main topic, showing yet another face of toxicity. Niko's lack of understanding others' boundaries weaves neatly into the story and contrasts the way actual abusers react to consequences of their actions. Although I have to disagree with Edwin - toxic people can very well question whether they are the bad guys and have serious doubts, all the while continuing on their behavior. Covert narcissism is a thing.

Also I noticed Monty reminds me of how young girls in love are portayed stereotypically and somehow this made the character only more adorable. Idk his whole line is just so unhappy there's no way I wouldn't have felt for the guy. His whole existence as a human (as far as it goes) was solely to seduce Edwin. That was his purpose, no any other. He didn't choose it. Then Edwin being Edwin actually charmed him and THEN even the plan went askew because Monty's real feelings of being hurt interfered (and also FAILING his whole supposed purpose, like imagine you knew exactly what you were born for and messing it up because of your emotions). So we already have:

Absence of free will by definition

Failing the sole purpose of his existence

Being rejected right after you kiss the crush (which is its own can of worms btw)

This already sucks, but there's also Esther. The scene in the kitchen was terrifying. Monty is a depiction of domestic abuse - not in the past, not a ghost, but happening present time and bearing its fruit. Even so he broke out and risked everything, despite the pressure and very real threats from Esther and knowing full well what the odds may be. To think he developed actual moral compass just by hanging out with Edwin and co for a few days while the only other human being he knows and have known for a long time before was Esther of all people. I think Charles especially should give him more credit.

I remember episode 6 making the deepest impression on me out of all when I watched for the 1st time, looking forward to the rewatch.

#dead boy detectives #dead boy detectives spoilers

[mygnolia]

sunghoon when you’re sick

pairing: sunghoon x gn!reader headcannons!

cw: cursing, mentions of chicken noodle soup (the food not the song), married life, getting sick/colds, hoonie my bae

wc: 1k

- okay so i feel like because he’s on the ice a lot

- he’s cold

- like in en-o-clock ep 20 behind he said it had been a while since he was on the ice so he was cold but that just means whenever he’s performing he’s not cold or not that cold at least

- and he’s acclimated to ice rink temperatures right?

- (and self projecting here but i myself am very cold all the time and it takes me a long time to get warm but i never get hot-?)

- so i feel like maybe one day its raining

- or the heater is broken and you have to suffer

- and you’re both on the bed, scrolling through your phones, but you’re shivering

- but sunghoon’s used to it

- only issue? he is not a raging furnace

- he’s a block of ice

- “sunghoon i’m cold.”

- “y/n, i can’t help you.” he’s just honest w/ everything atp

- “yes you can! cuddle me.” and you’d forcibly grab his arm and tangle urself with him

- you come to the very shocking realization that sunghoon is literally colder than the temperature outside.

- you pull away IMMEDIATELY and scowl at him

- he shrugs as if to tell you “i told you so.”

- he’s not offended he just accepted that he will never be warm

- man knows you’re just trying not to become the ice cube that he is

- omg sunghoon emotional brick and ice cube look at my…shape skills go

- so you’d go back to becoming one with the blankets but it doesn’t work and you’re like “hoonie :((“

- “yes dear.” sunghoon rolls his eyes, looking over at your covered figure nonetheless abd adjusts your blankets for you

- “can we cuddle, the blankets aren’t working :((“

- sunghoon probably gets an eye workout with how many times he rolls his eyes

- but he… L words u…so “okay. come here.” and he puts his phone down on the nightstand and gives you a hug

- internally he would laugh at your antics but he knows you’re just cold and he obviously wants to help but

- mans literally -2 degrees in body heat idk what to tell u

- but after a while you warm up the blankets EVENTUALLY get hotter

- u probs fell asleep and your body heat increased so you’re warm now

- he falls asleep too

- u end up with a COLD and he’s fine btw

- through the coughs and sniffles you blame him for not being your personal fireplace

- he goes “we slept together???? and you cuddled me??? for three hours??? fyi you could have gotten more blankets”

- ‘why can’t this man just spoonfeed u chicken noodle soup like a good bf’

- “can i at least have a kiss?” you pout at him underneath your blankets, even though the heater is in perfect working condition, and sunghoon feels himself falling harder for you everyday

- you are just so DAMN!!! CUTE!!! he can only handle so much until he says fuck it and puts a ring on ur finger

- omg married life with sunghoon or wtv…. NOT blushing

- “no. i’m going to get sick if I kiss you too.”

- “I AM SO SICK OF U!” /j

- ur stupid play on words makes him laugh and he gives in w/ a small peck :>

- even though ur hating him for not being cute and cuddly he just can’t get sick

- he has a competition coming up! sunghoon can’t be under the weather when he’s already under ur spell >:

- “take your medicine goddamnit” but it’s lovingly scolding you as he pushes the weirdly cherry flavored liquid down and follows up with a cup of warm water

- always has tissues on hand

- you’re in the car? tissues. you’re in the kitchen? no babe don’t use the paper towels to blow your nose it’s too rough on your skin

- if you want to cuddle he will say no

- I MEAN EVERY OTHER TIME HE JUST SITS THERE AND LETS U DO WHATEVER U WANT

- “guess this is my life now”

- “i can’t believe you won’t cuddle with me :(“

- “i cant believe you got sick despite hugging me and still having three blankets.” NO CHILL

- sunghoon simultaneously makes fun of you but will take care of you

- if he’s not home expect a sticky note or a voicemail

- “ahh, sorry for ringing your phone so early, i hope you’re getting your sleep <33 just wanted to call and make sure you drink the water in the bottle next to you, i warmed it this morning before i left for practice, and there’s some food in the fridge that jay brought over yesterday. hope you feel better soon i love you”

- alexa play fighting bleeding losing…no matter what i do by txt

- yeah he’s so sweet he’d stop the teasing bc he knows you hate being sick and doesn’t want to make it worse for you

- sometimes you wake up and you literally can’t breathe??

- breathing through nose era when!! /j

- you’d try to get your work done, hoon alr called sick days off for u but you have nothing to do at home so you get your laptop

- “Hi honey,” Sunghoon greets from the doorway, quickly kicking off his shoes and entering your bedroom. “I brought you some tea, Heeseung said it would help you since his mom gave it to him. Do you want some right now?” You nod, coughing with the quick and unexpected movement of your head.

- Sunghoon comes back with a steaming cup of warm golden tea, and blows on the top before letting you take a sip. “Be careful, it’s hot.” And you dismiss his words before you’re hissing at your burned tongue.

- u don’t catch a break huh

- you finish the cup of tea by the end of the night and sunghoon comes to give u a little forehead kith before telling you to sleep

- tmr u wake up and you can BREATHE again

- which gods did this why do you finally feel like a functioning human being

- ANYWAYS THOUGH!! Sunghoon’s competition is in two hours you don’t have time to waste hello?

- Outfit with hoodie, giant puffer jacket, and a turtleneck, and the thickest pants known to mankind

- driving to the rink where he’s competing and watching him with a giant lovesick grin without him knowing you’re there

- you give him a hug when he’s done

- happy at first and loves to see you, but wants to make sure you’re okay

- You both go home and he’s like “half of that outfit is mine.”

- yeah. he’s not wrong. anyways.

- celebratory dinner! he kisses you many many times thanking you for coming out to see him

- happy to finally cuddle again, holding you close now they you’ve recovered

- he got sick the next day.

—

f for sunghoon. thank you.

#enhypen #enha #enhypen au #enhypen fluff #enhypen imagines #enha fluff #enha imagines #enha x reader #sunghoon #park sunghoon x reader #park sunghoon angst #park sunghoon #sunghoon fluff #sunghoon x reader #park sunghoon fluff #enhypen sunghoon #enha scenarios #enhypen scenarios #sunghoon imagines #sunghoon enhypen #sunghoon fanfic #park sunghoon imagine

[hidden-highlands]

hm. sometimes u cant succinctly summarise ur thoughts in a text post so u gotta ramble in the tags.

#rip if u don't like reading this shit but also. this is my online personal diary. deal with it. #spent so much of the night counting the moments until i could get back to playing xenoblade 3 without seeming rude about it #and i was being SO good! and SO normal! (as much as i could be) about it! #WHILE being SEVERELY sleep-deprived in an environment where i barely knew anyone which is already hard to do to begin with #(sleep deprivation makes me SO fucking mean i have realised btw) #but then molly suggested karaoke #which a) i love and b) i feel inclined to be social with my flatmates where i can bc i KNOW xb3 brainrot is making me SO antisocial #(sidenote: tonight molly told me 'i dont really. Get how you get so into video games but it's cool to see!' #and i told her to TELL ME if i get too obnoxious about it. because my flatmates are decidedly Not gamers #and she was like 'haha no it's ok ur fine!' and i immediately went 'no u haven't seen anything yet' #bc. i appreciate what she's saying but also. she's known me 3 months she doesn't KNOW how i GET with shit like this) #anyway. A Lot happened at karaoke that i immediately felt embarrassed about and THEN we went to ivy which. hhhhh #the last time i was there with mat and molly was VERY different and while im Over It that's also the Only association i have #of that particular club in that particular context #and basically i was having A Lot Of Emotions. #i ended up calling it only to come home to my other flatmate's girlfriend locked out bc '[he was just being silly]' #which i don't even have the capacity to deal with past letting her inside #but basically the tl;dr is that. What A Night (completely neutral) #i'm not even feeling Any particular Way about it. #it's more. i just have SO many emotions idk even know how to feel. #like when we were in ivy. even then i could recognise that i wasn't like. Attached to any one emotion that i was feeling. it wasn't my Mood #it's just that there were SO MANY of them in such quick succession that i didn't know how to feel at ALLLL so i couldn't rly. enjoy it. #also backflipping twink sidelined me for a dmc AGAIN. #this time it was about adhd meds. #he is very lovely and has gr8 eyeliner it's just so funny how he's now. a recurring npc in my life lol #god. a Lot happened tonight. and i don't have any particular Feelings about it there's just SO MUCH that i need to scream incoherently lol #urrrrgh i'll probably feel fine about this in the morning it's just. hhhhhhhhh #kiwi speaks

[napping-sapphic]

God i’m thinking about how easily and unknowingly strangers can grant you salvation like i found it in how my old classmate told me once that i was a kind person and it was the first time i’d ever believed it

in how a coworker once said that i always seem so happy and have a nice smile and i cried about it when i got home since i’d always been told i seem too serious or mean

in how someone once told me i was good at comforting them when i’d always thought i was bad at it

Just god they’re out there somewhere and i barely remember what they looked like and we’ll never cross paths again but they changed me so deeply, they’re out there but they’ll never know how often i revisit those memories and think of myself even just a little more kindly they’re out there and i don’t know them but they’re the most important people in the world to me somehow

#me?? having a Night™️?? more likely than you’d think #im missing the people i never really knew #and im stuck echoing their words to myself #it’s honestly so important to hear things from people who don’t have an agenda to hurt you #who didn’t form a perspective of you at 14 and never let it go #i dont know #it’s just insane how badly ive always felt about myself #how inherently true i thought it was that i was mean or cold or unlikeable #only to have so many people tell me differently the past few years #and i still feel so mean and cold and unlikeable so often because of the people close to me!! #and i probably will forever to some extent!! #and it’s such an awful feeling #but just knowing even one person saw me as kind or happy is such a balm to that pain #that even if every person i meet from here on out found me flawed #there was at least one that saw kindness and joy in me?? that’s healing #idk #idk im emotional and tired and just want to believe i can be a good person sometimes #and sometimes i feel like that one ‘you’re so nice’ i received three years ago is the only thing holding me together sometimes #god just ignore me

[balkanballad]

had a day that made me think oh that was a bit heavy on the symbolism, wasn't it

#j. talks #went to visit my brother in his uni city and also connected it with an event there #I know this event because I went there once with a uni course that of course was with my fave former prof #so I know she's usually there but it's a bigger city and Friday and there are a lot of things at different locations #chances are not zero but I thought come on if anything it will be casual running into her #well as I was waiting with my brother and a whole crowd of people to be let in who do I hea #and see :))) yeah it's my fave prof. and I told my brother and he told me to go and say hi but there were so many people already talking to #her and also going there and saying hi so I simply couldn't. I literally froze our shoulders were nearly touching but she wasn't even facin #me and taking and I just followed my brother and he was like??? #what was that?? and I didn't know. and he asked my why I looked so shameful out of all the emotions I chose shame #and I don't know. I don't know why shame I consuming me no matter where I go. but she was busy and imagine I go up and she has no idea who #am anymore. they had to burry me right there and then. so that was that :) now #the name of that street of the location burned into my memory as I was facing the wall well it's the name of [redacted] who I never really #get over and it's been 10 years now soon. and we had a similar experience in December :) where I would have loved nothing more really than #to talk (in Decembar definitely also other things that I miss on some days very much) but I barely got a wave #so yeah :) I actually had a great day but I am more than overwhelmed. I feel like crying and hiding #taurus season is apparently not here to save me? idk #is this all about wasted potential and shame stopping me? maybe. but how the fuck do I get it out of me

[bonestheghost16]

FUCK YA I ATE 3 TIMES TODAY I DRANK WATER I TOOK MY MEDS I STAYED UP ALL DAY TO DAY NOT EVEN 1 NAP IM BEATING THIS SHIT!!!

#mental health #havent been doin so hot so this is a big improvement #i feel kinda weird telling internet strangers who dont care about this but i dont got many people irl to tell #and i dont want the people i do got to know so i guess internet strangers is good #hell i even went out today and got ready and got to go look at new glasses #im really proud of this #but also its kinda strange idk its just alot im not that great with emotions #kinda hard to tell how im feeling #dont repress emotions kids or you will be ranting to internet strangers while trying to figure out what your feeling #send help lmao #shit it feels like i have been ranting in this post alot #i should probably rap this up i guess #life update #shitpost i guess #idk #thanks for listening #this felt weirdly good to get out there 😄 #i should do this more often........NAH #ok fr night yall

[magentagalaxies]

fucking love it when one of my professors brings up kids in the hall in giving me feedback, not in a pandering way but in a "this is an observation i've made about their work and how you could channel this aspect in your own comedy to get yourself out of your comfort zone and play with new things"

#shoutout to my improv teacher fr #we were talking about how i don't use dynamic physicality and movement as much in my characters #and she brought up how so much of their characters are very physical and encouraged me to play with that #and also specifically character temperament and emotions and stuff bc i have a specific range i play in #and it's funny even tho i personally think my comedy style is most like bruce #and scott in a lot of ways has these uninhibited moments i wish i could throw myself into #in terms of character range/voice/temperament/emotion? i'm playing heavily in the scott zone rn #and my professor was like ''that's great but also i wanna see you play a bruce girl'' #we also had a whole conversation about gender and kith and how gender plays into my improv or is absent from it a lot of the time #and holy shit erin my improv teacher wins cis ally of the day award she was so respectful while also having good feedback #(her feedback was low key ''be more overtly trans even if it makes cis people uncomfortable'') #bc like. i'm very overtly trans in my standup rn like you know how aubrey is #but in improv? sure i play many characters regardless of gender but that's the thing. it's ''regardless'' of gender #so i sort of default to being neutral so that others can project onto me. it's sort of ''idgaf i'm chill'' which in itself still is radical #but it gives ''cis allys'' who don't want to deal with gender an outlet to just project onto me in a way that i could own much more #anyway the way i process feedback is often by repeating it to someone else so like. this didn't need to be a post this is for me #but idk if you're following along with my comedy journey (or even if you just want to hear my professor reference kids in the hall!) #maybe this is of interest to you. in any case i'm very excited to play with all this stuff much more #and i definitely feel confident in my comedic identity and trans identity and most of all my trans-comedian identity #and i'm excited to see how i grow from here

[themyscirah]

Started thinking about the Amanda Waller + Ben Turner relationship again.... fuck, I'm gonna need a minute

#I JUST- SHDIAUDJSHDSHEYEYRYRYRY guys. guys #i know none of you see my vision and thats okay. i will make you see my vision. i will force you to see my vision. i will- #like jesus fucking christ oh my god. its so interesting and gives me so many emotions and just!!! #i know im not making sense bc none of my moots are sui sq fans and also like half of the content fucking me up specifically here is in my #head because i cant stop thinking about my absolute power fix it au but like!!!!!!! #also the fact i have a fix it for a comic that isnt out yet is so funny to me. its literally fucking real though. god knows we need it #may my own content carry me through the dark times (extreme villain waller arc) #anyways this fucks me up so bad you dont even know. someday ill actually explain it #dc hire me to write a suicide squad ongoing PLEASE. i could do it so good it would be so fucking good dc PLEASE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 #also like this isnt me shipping them btw. like 110% not that. just to clarify. #i wouldnt even call it a friendship bc like. theyre not friends really. he has the most equal dynamic with her i would say but it still isnt #equal. shes v much his boss even though they have an understanding and respect there #like she believes and trusts in him much more than anybody really even himself. like she sees the good man and the leader even when he #doesnt. but she isnt nice about it. and there is a lot of conflict between them when there needs to be #like as much as ben is “wallers man”--the team leader she wanted from the beginning before rick flagg pushed his way in #ben i would say is still a very moral person even when lost and unsure of himself and his goodness (which is like one of his main things) #like i feel like while amanda can lean very into a “the ends justify the means” mindset in her worse moments and do bad things to get #herself out of a corner ben has like a deep and meaningful understanding of how the choices of your methods and how you act can weigh on you #like even though he was brainwashed and whatnot (thats still the story right? i cant remember) he holds a lot of guilt and baggage over his #actions and i think is able to temper amanda's worse tendencies in terms of that by calling her out when he recognizes that behavior #idk. i just really think that amanda waller and the suicide squad as a whole has lost its way without a more moral authority presence there. #like someone who can call her out and keep them more on track. which i really thing ben is and could be #i just very much am interested in their dynamic and how that would look like as equals and how i think they could help each other. #which ofc is what my wip is about and revolves around #blah #sui sq

[shirtlessradfahrer]

hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well

(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)

#i'm so angry #thinking of how many adults complained about me and my behaviour growing up but couldn't help me at all #how long have i suffered for no reason #because i wasn't a completely nonverbal boy who liked trains or some shit #...actually i did really like trains but it didn't matter apparently #but learning about all the signs and symptoms in girls/women has felt like getting punched in the gut over and over #and all the absolute worst of my childhood and teenage years has rushed back to me with new context #and i'm so fucking angry and sad and upset #and now my mom is angry af too because she took me to a psychologist in complete desperation when i was like five #because i couldn't control my emotions for shit once i was home from school #i would just flip tf out and throw stuff around my room and be incapable of saying anything until i had completely calmed down #and this was happening on a regular basis and she didn't know what tf to do #and while at school i couldn't make eye contact or advocate for myself and again i just shut down completely if i was too stressed or upset #and several other things #and the psychologist was basically like lol idk what's wrong with her but you probably just need to be a better mother :) #just slightly more professionally #NO ONE ever mentioned the possibility of autism to her #and i feel like some of these things have...worsened when i'm at work but i couldn't figure out why i was having so much difficulty #and why i felt so drained after even a short shift #but then reading about masking hit me like a fucking freight train #and apparently my brother’s girlfriend-who was officially diagnosed a few years ago-suspected it when she first met me?? #but idk what to do now bc i have an doctor's appointment next week #and i feel like i should bring it up because i hate just self-diagnosing #but even if i somehow managed to pay for an assessment (lmao) i don't feel like my doctor's going to take it seriously #considering he's been our family doctor since my birth #and apparently couldn't be bothered to take my mom's concerns that seriously back then either #jfc I’m rambling again don’t look at me

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!

#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power #good thing no one can see this!!! #anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them #but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this #i dont understand it #not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone #whats up w that?? #like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me? #or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1 #OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself??? #or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them #and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do #and it drives me fucking crazy with grief?? #vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast #???? #no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness #and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie #just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand #and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them #bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together #please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏

[bambiraptorx]

sometimes i wish my brain had a fucking off switch

#vent #tw vent #the thoughts are idk. intrusive or whatever #idk if it actually counts as intrusive but we are not having a good time right now #i'm just so fucking tired of so many things #i'm fucking tired of not having support but not knowing how to ask for it or what the hell i'd even do if i had it #i'm tired of not knowing how to handle my emotions like. ever #it feels like my brains is screaming lies at me and it only gets worse the longer the day goes on #and what the fuck is even up with that #like why am i even like this. why do i just randomly spiral sometimes #like there wasn't even a cause this time???? #i don't known how to deal with this. i've never known. and it just keeps happening #and i can never fucking predict it #and i can't tell for sure but it might be getting more common?? #which. fuck my life if that's the case #nobody needs to read this shit im sorry #i'll delete it later

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to #place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like #LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee #so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of #people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take #a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM) #the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore #ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team #but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up #graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made #my adhd brain go WELL SHIT #ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do #love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving #people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt #but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel #amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou #life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i #just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive #but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present #and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now #on a positive note... #my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made #a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little #im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor #i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it #but damn it im tired #thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave #if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you #please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you

[youjustwaitsunshine]

random pic for tag diary (made these from kneadable eraser)

#idkkkk just feeling some type of way? #last weekend i was hanging out with some friends and we were just talking about how long we want to live idk #and my boyfriend is the first person ive heard saying that he wants to get at least 120 bc like so many of us are just sad kids #who are scared of a future that seems so dystopian #and in comes this idiot (affectionately) going 'i need to get at least 120 i want all the time i can get' #i dont fully know why but he said 'life's the only thing we get for free and you know that i cant say no to free things' and i almost cried #it was just so very earnest and sweet and im used to being friends with a lot of cynical people #hes good for me i think. softens me up. bc im definitely more on the rough side and hes just very emotional and (a bit over)dramatic #its really funny actually bc were like. super effeminate boyfriend x super masculine girlfriend and tis probably hilarious from the outside #even if i feel super inadequate sometimes bc he's so thoughtful and romantic and im. well. not really. im more like a block of wood #romantically speaking #idk i just stand there and feel awkward a lot bc i cant deal with affection too well but it helps that hes just so sweet #like when we were on our drive through half of germany and we just talked about so much and it was things like favorite colors #or singing along to the beatles on one of his player pianos (dont ask) #it can get a bit much but hes just so easy to talk to. idk why im making a blog entry from this but hey :) #anyways what i wanted to say. it's nice to have someone in my life whos less cynical than me

[underlying-purpose]

I hate feeling really really depressed and nobody noticing a difference.

#haha go to counseling #oh can you do this for me and pay for this #oh sorry you know how hard it is for me even though i sit around all day doing nothing #its not like i expect or usually even want people to notice #but idk it feels really bad that its not noticable. am i not noticable? are my emotions not noticable? #i have these periods where i feel terrible and feel so tired and feel like i LOOK so tired but nobody blinks an eye #im walking around doing everything as usual and talking to people but i dont feel the same #and i hate it #theres so many things i feel so bad about right now but the worst part is that nothing is going to come of these feelings. nothing. #i just have to sit here and wait for them to blow over like usual. #while im stressed as hell having to pick up the fucking slack #yes i can and yes i will and yes i know #but do YOU know??? would you want to? would you care. #thats all. #vent #vent post #and i know some of this is because im running out of my depression pills #but these feelings are still real. ive been having them regardless. im just more upset because of it #i forgot one of tumblrs functions but im missing some tags that said: #hey can you help me do this or hey can you pay for that or hey sorry haha you know how hard it is for me even though i sit around all day #even though most of my time is spent working or trying to earn money through my art that barely garners enough interest to work #like yes i can and will and know but why does it feel like if i asked or dis the same things you wouldnt care? #i want help. i need help. im WILLING to help you. why do i have to reach out so far for your help when i walk up and catch you when you #just barely trip. i reach to you before you reach to me 9 times out of 10. do the fucking same for me god dammit #AND #dont be like because i know #i know i know i know i know i know #i know #i just want acknowledgement #its all i want

[wren-kitchens]

something I Hate is when i’ve told someone that I don’t know what you’re feeling unless you tell me, I don’t know what tone you’re conveying half the time unless you tell me, then that someone getting annoyed because I didn’t know they were upset/didn’t know they were being sarcastic and acting like I should have known despite me telling them specifically on multiple occasions

#an irl friend was saying a couple weeks ago how she wanted to audition for a drama thing but didn’t wanna get rejected #so we were like ‘you don’t have to go if you don’t wanna’ and she was like ‘but I wanna go’ so we told her to go #‘but I don’t wanna get rejected’ so don’t go! #it sorta went back and forth for a little bit before she got mad and walked off and later was annoyed at me for not knowing she was upset #and for saying the wrong thing #I have told you??? so many times??? that I do not know when people are upset??? #she didn’t even like tell me what I should have said #I found out from a friend that I should have told her she wouldn’t get rejected but like. that’s always an option #it’s unlikely in this case but that’s not like a definite thing that’s not gonna happen #and ik from like past experiences she would be more upset if we’d gone ‘no you’ll def get in’ and she didn’t because it’d be like we lied #and I don’t wanna make her upset! #but I mean like. I did #idk i’m just very bad when it comes to helping people #it’s really annoying #and I didn’t even know she was upset! like I couldn’t tell so I didn’t try to make her feel better because I didn’t know she felt bad! #I don’t understand emotion! I can’t figure out my own half the time and i’m the one experiencing them! #idk it was like a couple weeks ago but i’m still kinda mad #because I *keep* telling her that I don’t know what to say when ppl are upset I don’t know how people are feeling unless they say #and she just acts like I *do* know and am just being a dick on purpose #idk it annoys me a lot #autism #actually autistic #vent cw #cw vent #vent tw #tw vent