The build up between all the characters in the show is really nice to see, and I particularly loved it with the girls, and particularly the gentle, heartfelt tenderness of some of the scenes. The way Elora calls Jade ‘J’, the way Kit holds Jade on the beach, the gentle way Kit says to Elora, “We’ll do it together.” It’s all so soft. The way that they all grow closer across the quest, all grow to care. Those little, soft moments are just the best
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
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02/04/23
to my better half
hello finny. happy birthday !! it's been a year already. i write this with a full heart and a pensive mind so i apologise if this ends up being lengthy and effusive. i’ve written this note over the past few weeks preceding the beginning of april so it may be a bit over the place. that said, i hope it serves its purpose well!
i distinctly remember the time you told me that one of my best qualities is wearing my heart on my sleeve. back then i agreed without a giving it much thought, but since then i’ve come to realise it was only that way because you read me like an open book. i shared my most intimate feelings and thoughts with you because you were my soulmate, then and i still feel so now. since, it has never been so easy to wear my heart on my sleeve as it had been with you, because my heart was overjoyed with the enchantment i felt for you. one thing i never spoke out loud in fullest though i’m confident you were aware of and hopeful that you reciprocated was that my love for you transcended platonic.
you barged in on my heart without taking your shoes off, took residence inside, and called it home. i would have never wished it otherwise. to this day, i consider you to be the person who has known me and understood me in a way so incredibly special and unparalleled. for that i will always be undyingly grateful. talking to you was the brightest part of my day, even when it would happen in the darkest hours of the night; i cherished those moments to the fullest. talking with you was the most profound connection i’ve ever experienced to this day.
you may wonder why now, why at all. reasoning would be futile as this concerns the matters of a heart. in reality, the passage of time never changed how often i’ve been reminded of you, in one way or another. reminiscing usually evokes nostalgia or melancholy in most, but to me, being reminded of you meant being overcome with warmth and adoration all the same as i were when we kept in touch around the clock. you, in all your grace, are a fond memory tucked away in what i imagine is a tea-lit and canopied part of my chest box, solely for your keeping.
i bask in the knowledge and understanding that for a short while i took up a sliver of your time and occupied a part of your heart too. in the time that has passed i hope you’ve found friends that bring out the better in you and make you feel loved. in spite of that, i remain hopeful that what we shared in words, feelings, and time, remains unparalleled and special to you as it most unequivocally does to me.
in reminiscing of those times, i often indulge in the digital traces of what took place here. i scour your blogs, my saved line chats, the tags of our posts, our music playlists and pin boards, anything i can get my eyes on. though the fact that our friendship was sustained through the internet had its undeniable setbacks, the digital footprint left behind offers a lot of sweet recollections. i’m glad some of it was left behind for me to recall to mind and piece together the bigger picture; despite the means in which it came to closure, it’s not one i’d ever wish to forget.
i still remember the carrd pages for our birthdays, still have this love core blog, the screen grabs, the watercolour paintings i did of your blog, and our chat history. sometimes i’ll recall a funny memory of what we were up to and search it up to see it play out again. that’s when the itch to reach out was infinitely bigger, but i never quite knew what to say.
even know, this is a manifestation of a stream of consciousness and recollection rather than a scripted play out. i could wax poetic about it indefinitely, but i’d never be able to fully put to word the profound cluster of my mind and my heart when it comes to you.
i often think about the instagram page you made for my nineteenth birthday. now i’m twenty one. i desperately wish i remembered the exact name. not because i can find it - i know you took it down for safekeeping - but because i want to commit to memory as much of it as i can, even the name. i think i never managed to read the fifth letter post.
there’s an infinite number of things i want to do and see again and an even bigger infinity of things i secretly still hope to experience with you.
i still want to wear matching dresses out on a cafe date, i still want to get loveboxes and send notes, i still want to fly out to bergamo and cremona in the summertime of lombardy, i still want to rent out a flat in a big city and spent my days in your presence. a small part of me won’t ever give up on the dream to commit to a lifetime of friendship with you, of being a soulmate of yours in any and full capacity.
i hope this love letter should serve as a reminder of my unconditional, unprecedented and unparalleled love, adoration and amazement for and at the person you are. your soul came into my life just as quietly as it exited, but the melody rings out to this day and the invisible string is just as opaque now as it was before. whatever may or may not come of this love note will not change my resolve and confidence in my love for you, bubba. i secretly hope you have kept a spot in your gear for me and have not forgotten your little twin soul.
with undying love,
your nia xxxxx
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