#it was a kind of dissociative dysphoria if that makes sense | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

unbidden-yidden · 2 months

Text

Ever since October 7th, the amount of misinformation and disinformation about Jews, Israel, Judaism, and even just like, basic facts about reality have been so intense that it's really dredging up a lot of my gaslighting trauma.

(No, not in the memic sense that it's been distorted into, but the kind of gaslighting that leads you to detransition and think it was your choice despite drowning in dysphoria, the kind that warps and changes and erases memories, and makes it so that you dissociate for literal months at a time to escape the pain. That kind.)

And I recognized this because I keep finding myself arguing facts and trying to reason with people who say that they're part of the compassionate left and care about working on antisemitism but yet spew the kind of antisemitism that would be totally at home on Stormfront.

It's that first arguing stage of gaslighting, where the abuser keeps saying outrageous, untrue things and you're still fighting to try and get them to empathize with you and seek mutual understanding. This:

A gaslighter does not simply need to be right. He or she also needs for you to believe that they are right. In stage 1, you know that they are being ridiculous, but you argue anyways. You argue for hours, without resolution. You argue over things that shouldn’t be up for debate — your feelings, your opinions, your experience of the world. You argue because you need to be right, you need to be understood, or you need to get their approval. In stage 1, you still believe yourself, but you also unwittingly put that belief up for debate.

(bolding mine) (source)

This is a pattern I recognize in myself in personal relationships and even within communities, but what's happening right now is a lot bigger and more diffuse. It's not one abuser or even a shitty cohort of abusive people who are monopolizing a community space. This is being encouraged in a frighteningly large number of non-Jewish progressive spaces. In the same way that stochastic terrorism adds up very quickly, this type of cultural gaslighting and stochastic emotional abuse feels like a deluge.

But if you look at history, this is not new, for Jews. This is but the latest version of a very long game of Why Won't You Just Give Up and Assimilate or Die that Jews have thus far prevailed on at great cost to ourselves.

Anyway I'm done arguing with goyim about things that absolutely should not be up for debate: Jewish history, Jewish culture, what certain religious concepts in Judaism mean, Jewish lived experiences, what is and isn't antisemitism. If you aren't willing to engage in a genuine way that seeks mutual understanding, I'm not interested. I'm done.

You are engaging in violent behavior and lying to yourself about it and calling it activism. Well I am no longer going to participate. You can lie to yourself all you want, but you are a bad person and I don't forgive you, and you can do that alone.

You are acting from a mob mentality and a mob cannot be reasoned with. You are drunk on your tiny bit of power and social capital, and years down the line you'll lie to yourself and pretend that you cared about us.

You didn't. And deep down you know it, too.

Instead of arguing with people who refuse to see facts or reason and put our experiences up for debate, I am going to work on compiling a resource for people who want to actually learn.

Everyone else can fuck off.

#fuck around on this post and find out

276 notes · View notes

kilobaxis-blog · 8 months

Text

Why I think Donnie 2012 has BPD too

BEFORE I START THIS . I'm aware donnie has OCD CANNONICALLY but the OCD and BPD comorbidity, although not studied often, occurs often. About 15–44% (NIH Joshi, Gagan).

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I feel like this is the most dominant criterion for BPD. Donnie displays this by formulating elaborate plans to prevent april from not hanging out with him and saving her father after he got mutated --which I am aware is mostly because he's a good person and wants to save another human being-- but also it's pretty obvious he thinks this will bring her back to him.

RSD ( rejection sensitive dysphoria) is also VERY prominent in people with bpd. This is shown in episode 10 Fungus Humungous. Not just the rejection of April but of people all together seeing that april in the first few seasons is represented more of a concept to him rather than somebody he actually loves.

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

I think it's safe to say the relationship april and donnie has is unstable. Mostly on donnie's end. He is shown to idealize her often but also has snapped on her once in the show when she didn't act/respond the way he wanted her to in season 1 episode 9. All of this is mostly in Donnie's head because the feelings aren't reciprocated, but the relationship for him at least is very intense and he has intense feelings about it.

3. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Donnie has A LOT of mood swings throughout the series. More than any of his other siblings and not saying a lot because of raph. It's mostly just anxiety and irritability that only lasts a few moments in the episode.

4. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

I think Donnie displays paranoid ideation wich is characterized by persistent thoughts of distrust or suspicion. This is usually targeted at casey (the love rival) but sometimes it's inappropriate when casey and april are just standing next to one another.

5.Impulsive behavior in 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging.

Donnie is a teenage boy so this is a strech but I've seen him be impulsive with driving and making rash decisions in the heat of the moment. This is not to be confused with this compulses wich is diffrent from impulsive behavior.

6.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

This one was kind of hard and maybe also a bit of a stretch because I do feel like Donnie does have a sense of self but when it's challenged he has an identity crisis and it sends him spiraling. When he can't fix something right away the one thing he thinks he's really good

at he begins to doubt his self immediately. This often occurs with people with BPD because we might lach on to one aspect of ourselves to have some sense of identity but when it's disturbed we get very discouraged/ depressed.

#tmnt #tmnt 2012 #donnie 2012 #2012 donatello #2012 donnie #teenage mutant ninja turtles 2012

158 notes · View notes

drdemonprince · 2 months

Note

i dont agree with the way the person who added onto your post framed things, but I do want to say that sometimes i have similar thoughts (especially because i still often feel very depressed/unhappy) but then when I really think back to how truly awful it felt to inhabit my body pretransition.

when i look at old photos theres a period of time where i look like a pretty happy kid, and certainly i had issues back then too, but the oictures of me in the midst of my natal puberty and the years before i transitioned really do show a deeply uncomfortable deeply sad person trying to dissociate and overall completely unhappy with my physical body and presentation.

Now, of course there are a lot of factors that go into it, but even on my bad days and times where I am still dissatisfied with my body and struggling with dysphoria or anything else, I know that my baseline is much higher than it was back then. And I always forget how bad things were once I'm doing better

Like yes in a superficial sense i did start caring more about my appearance once i was able to transition, and I do look more conventionally attractive (or at least put together) but that's the result of me actually feeling more at home in my body and like I have a future to look forward to.

Some people who say i look happier or more myself looked at me and only saw the surface level stuff, but I try and believe that my friends and loved ones actually do see what's there, which is that I really am happier and more myself. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have wanted to transition so badly.

A lot of my response to people making such comments is an inherently Autistic one. People cannot read me well. Even dear friends and loved ones. Just as much as I cannot empathize with them, other people are terrible at empathizing with me. They guess all kinds of wrong emotions at the wrong times -- they think I'm nervous or preoccupied when I'm not, mistake euphoria for anxiety, miss my anger, constantly think that I am tired or aloof just for having a flat resting face, are fooled by the mask, think a scowl of concentration is annoyance, mishear my voice as mocking, etc. I do not like people guessing what I am feeling at all. It's virtually always wrong. And trying to draw inferences even more globally about how my life or transition must be going based on such superficial easily misunderstood data is even more wrong.

I just completely reject the idea that we should be evaluating a person's relationship to transition based on anything to do with their appearance on so so many levels.

66 notes · View notes

beastlybardou · 4 months

Text

I feel like lately I've mostly been dealing with my species dysphoria by dissociating. I've noticed that I've been feeling very trapped in the human side of things the past few weeks, but I haven't been feeling the frantic animal clawing and anger about it that I usually do, which was confusing me until I realized I've just been kind of checked out of reality for the most part. Lots of floating around on autopilot. Which makes sense because the human responsibilities are pretty inescapable over the holidays with family and all, but it doesn't feel great. I should get out and do some grounding activities that let me be an animal.

38 notes · View notes

belzrgr · 1 year

Text

-> Mc with BPD

Version: brothers

Contains: mood swings (Lucifer), intense emotions (Satan), splitting (Asmodeus), dissociation (Mammon), rejection sensitive dysphoria (rsd)(Leviathan), unstable sense of self (Beelzebub), impulsivity (Belphegor)

Lucifer

At one moment you're feeling alright, then when Lucifer sees you one hour later, you're laying in bed and crying

No matter how intense your mood swings may be, Lucifer doesn't get annoyed with you to the point you wonder how someone could possibly be so patient

You're depressed? Lucifer is there if you need a hug, he'll hold you and tell you how much he loves you, that your mean thoughts aren't right and that whatever happens, he will be here to help you however you need

You're angry? The eldest lets you rant and vent and offers you a pillow to punch and bite, if you need it. It's alright if you cry as well, he won't make fun of you

Though he may often get angry at his brothers, it isn't for their feelings but their actions. Lucifer is no stranger to dealing with lots of things at once, so even if your mood swings get especially intense, he will have no problem helping you through it

Mammon

Sometimes, when everything is just too much, your brain shuts down. It's like you've been put to power saving mode. Everything feels strange, not real, as if you were underwater or controlling a video game character. Your emotions are numbed and you don't understand how you could have been so upset just moments before

Mammon doesn't take long to notice your difference in behaviour. Maybe it's the calmness in your measured movements or the lack of reaction to something you would have usually laughed or gotten angry at. You just watch him as he talks, listening but not reacting

It scares him, because he doesn't know what's happening but you quietly explain it, what triggered you and how now, your brain decided that you should have a time out, basically

As much as it doesn't sit right with him, Mammon understands that it was one of those things that just happened, something you couldn't change right now but wouldn't be forever. He asks if he can hug you

Talking to you like this doesn't become less strange as time goes on but Mammon makes an effort to stay by your side. He makes sure you're looked after and grounds you when you need it

When you start to go to him first thing every time you dissociate, it does make him happy. You know he's a safe place and he will do everything in his power to make sure it stays that way

Leviathan

If there's one thing Leviathan understands, it's being sensitive to rejection. Even just telling him that you don't have time to continue playing that video game with him tonight makes him worry that you suddenly hate him

So, knowing that you're struggling just as much as him, that you're so worried over being rejected that you start to distance yourself from him when your head starts to get too mean...

At first, when he didn't know yet, Levi was so scared that he had done something wrong, that maybe you realised that he wasn't as great as you thought and that you could do much better than spend any of your time on him

But when you guys talked it out? He struggles but when he thinks about how you must be feeling, so scared that you do anything to keep yourself from getting hurt, even if it hurts you to distance yourself, Levi starts reaching out to you

Hesitantly at first, asking you if you dislike him now or if it's your rsd acting up. After having experienced it a few times, Levi gets more sure and whenever he notices you starting to withdraw again, he searches you out

Holding you in his arms, reassuring you that he won't leave you, that he loves you, that he would never abandon you no matter what your brain tells you. Knowing he can soothe you, that it's him helping you, makes him really happy and proud

Satan

The last thing he expected was to see you, someone so kind, so gentle, burning with such rage that you're lashing out so strongly

He gets almost drunk of your anger, a whiplash of pure emotion hitting him in the face

He lets you live it out, making sure that you're no destroying anything important and very glad that as a demon, you could punch his chest with all your might and it wouldn't hurt him much, if at all

Then it dies down and you feel horrible but Satan is no stranger to outbursts of rage and the following aftermath. It's alright if you need to cry, to distract yourself, if you need a hug or someone to listen to you. He doesn't hold your emotions against you, not when he knows how overwhelming they can be, destroying all reason

Finding out that it's because of your personality disorder that you feel emotions so intensely and that it's not limited to anger but all other emotions as well, only makes Satan want to find out more. He reads up on it of course but he also asks you, because while similar, everyone's experience is unique

He asks what the best way to help you is depending on what you feel like and he does his best to make you're you can get through bouts of strong emotions in safe environments. There is no need to feel ashamed, he tells you, because you cannot control your emotions and feeling a certain way does not make you a bad person

Asmodeus

Despite what some may say, Asmodeus is incredibly nurturing towards those he holds dear. There is not much he doesn't know how to deal with when it comes to your struggles because of your disorder but if there's one thing that he had a hard time with, it's if you ever split on him

It's better if he knows of your disorder beforehand, because that knowledge can help him feel less hurt by it. He knows you're not doing it on purpose, that you cannot choose how you feel and how your brain tries to defend you from getting hurt but that doesn't mean it's not a horrible experience to know the person he loves so much has suddenly started seeing him as the worst person imaginable

Of course, he's not giving up on you and it's only a matter of time before you split back again, sorry for the fact that you couldn't hold back the thoughts telling you that he was only playing with you, using you, that he would throw you away when he got bored of you, that all the sweet things he told you were nothing but lies

Anything he told you during that time would be for naught, doubt and anxiety clouding your mind. At some point, it's almost worse knowing that for you to have split on him, you had to have been triggered

Asmodeus never wants to make you feel like he would abandon or reject you, knowing that you worry about it breaks his heart. He loves you so much and he will keep telling you, with time he will figure out with you what things trigger you, so that he can adjust. Sometimes, all it takes is saying things a bit differently, offering you to join him or even just making sure to reassure you that there's no one else for him, that no matter how much he loves his fans, they could never get close to you

It's hard and it hurts you both but you can work on it, together and if there's one thing Asmodeus will never give up, it's you

Beelzebub

It worried him, sometimes. The way you would watch a movie or series with him, one which you enjoyed immensely, and then suddenly act so different

In a way, you acted reminiscent of your favorite character from the story and of course, you told him it was temporary, something he had witnessed himself but Beel couldn't help trying to make sure you're really ok. Every time

It should have been no surprise to him when slowly, you started to change on a more consistent basis. You started talking less, touching your wrist when you were flustered or nervous and your regular expression turned into something much more... stoic

Slowly but surely, you had started acting more like him. Of course, there were little changes in your speech pattern or habits you had picked up from others over time but the amount to which you took over his characteristics was almost frightening

As if he was looking in a mirror, except it pained him because he would much rather see you, the person he had come to adore and not a junior version of himself

When he talked to you about it, you broke down. It wasn't on purpose, you just loved him so much, everything about him that you couldn't help it, couldn't help the way you mirrored him

Some time to yourself was needed, you both agreed, no matter how much it pained you. Beel and your best friend planned a trip for you, making sure you had the possibility to practice all those hobbies you liked, which you hadn't touched in weeks, some not even for months

He'd call you every night, talk to you about your day and about his, tell you how much he loved you and looked forward to seeing you again. When you finally got to fall back into his arms, you vowed never to let it get this far again

From then on, Beel would leave you to persue your hobbies, give you alone time so you could find yourself again, even if he had to push you a bit. The way you hugged him after yearning to see him for so long made up for it a bit

Belphegor

Belphegor makes an honest effort to get enough rest in to be able to do things with you, like go on dates, which he'd otherwise feel too exhausted to get up for. A chore, he would say, if it weren't for the way it made your eyes light up

But that wasn't a problem for him, he'd happily do that if it made you happy. What he couldn't agree to was the way you would sometimes jump up and decide to do something out of nowhere

If you were only spontaneous, perhaps he could have lived with that but your impulsive moods drove you to subtle acts of self harm that he would not tolerate

You wanted to go on a spending spree, looking as if Mammon had possessed you? Jump that hot classmate you didn't even really like? Go out to the Fall without anyone to look out for you? No no, none of that

Belphegor was quick to notice when you got into one of your moods, when you craved some type of stimulation so much that you didn't care for rationality or consequences. Reeling you in was easier than one may expect, but caging you into his arms and slowly letting his calming powers lay over you like a blanket worked wonders

If you still wanted to go buy something or go party for the night, he wouldn't hold you back. All he wanted was for you to take a moment to breathe and to think, to come down and decide if that is really what you wanted, what you needed

And if you feel yourself drop, sobbing into his chest until you felt a little more stable, then Belphie would be glad for the fact that he could hold and comfort you like this, to keep you safe from yourself in moments like this

171 notes · View notes

astaribun · 7 months

Text

Any body but me

Fandom: BG3

Pairing: Tav x Astarion

Rating: E

Tags: Trans!Tav, Transmasc!Tav, Tav is stealth, Tav has had top surgery, Tav has had no bottom surgery, Pan!Astarion, everyone is anxious, and traumatised, angst, fluff, dysphoria, Trans affirming, (vampire) bite kink, I have a thing for fangs clearly, (im)proper use of tadpole mind-link, bratting begging, orgasm control

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh gods, the consequences of my own actions, Tav thought. Flirting with Astarion had been fun and, honestly, hard not to with how this sassy Elf encouraged it at every opportunity. His dreams, when not taken over by the guardian, had been full of Astarion in all kinds of ways. From romantic picnics to wet dreams to nightmare rejections, Tav'd truly not had a moment's peace since the abduction and the tadpole in his head wasn't even the biggest cause for gods' sake.

And now he was hopelessly tangled in the web Astarion had spun for him. A web which felt so much tighter now that it was clear your favourite vampire wanted to sneak off to the woods to have sex. Most people would probably be ecstatic, but Tav was worried. He had so far avoided any need to disclose he was trans and relished in being treated as just one of the guys. But what would happen when they undressed and he didn't have the parts one might expect? A rational part of him chimed in that surely Astarion had slept with a trans person or two before, but the dysphoria and fear were so much louder.

---

At the same time Astarion was dissociating in his tent, also worried about having sex with Tav. This was all his plan and yet... He'd only ever done this in service of Cazador, bringing people back for him and to their doom. For his plan to work he had to use his body one or two more times and get Tav on his side. Sweet enthusiastic kind Tav who'd shown him he could break Cazador's rules, who'd kept offering him his tasty blood even though he'd practically attacked him that first night.

Maybe Tav would help him if he just asked? No, no one trusts a vampire, not truly. Tav must be doing it because it made him stronger. And because the poor Elf boy was falling for his seduction like so many before him. But then why did his heartbeat spike in fear at his proposition? Oh hells, could Tav be a virgin?! He had better be gentle, after all, he had to keep Tav on his side at least until he could have his revenge on Cazador.

---

And so when Tav finally walks up to the clearing with legs made of jello and a stomach ready to cast acid splash he is greeted by a shirtless Astarion whose smug look falls off his face in seconds. He rushed to cup Tav's face. "Are you alright darling? this seems like more than the normal amount of nerves," he muses.

Fuck, Tav thought, if he hadn't asked I could've just held it in. Instead tears well up and he starts shaking. "I-", his voice cracks, "Iliedtoyou", he blurts out. Well, it's not inaccurate, but gods is it a terrible way to start this conversation.

"Wha- what do you mean?", Astarion asks, "do you not want this? me?" Although it's subtle, a twang of pain slips out on that last word. The plan can't fall apart already! Did he push too much? Picked the wrong target? Hells why does nothing ever go his way.

No words seemed right, his head too loud to think, and time ever ticking on, Tav did something most likely stupid: He kissed Astarion, catching them both by surprise. Though when they regained the ability to think he found himself pushed away by Astarion.

"What in the hells are you doing, you better start making a lot of sense real fast" Astarion exclaimed. Tav wiped away his tears and took a small step back. "I'm sorry, I do want this- you- us." He stuttered. "But?" Astarion asked. "But I'm trans."

"Gods, is that all? Here I was worried it was something like you being..." He trailed off clearly catching himself about to say something he didn't want to admit, "some monster using a disguise spell or something".

Well, that wasn't the reaction he expected. "So you don't mind that I don't have the parts one might expect on a guy?" Tav asked, his voice already steadier. "My darling boy, I am well versed in all configurations, you needn't worry your pretty little head over something like that," Astarion said reaching out and petting Tav's hair gingerly.

With relief washing over him Tav felt ready for tonight for the first time and while their first kiss hadn't been ideal there were hopefully many more to have tonight. "So do you still wanna do this?" He asked sheepishly, not having enough courage to press his lips to Astarion's again without an invitation.

"Of course, I clearly need to create better memories for you than whoever or whatever made you worry so" Astarion spoke in that same sensual whispery tone he always used. He placed Tav's hand gently on his chest and cupped his face with the other pulling him in for a kiss. At first slow and gentle and then hungrier, fangs dragging across Tav's bottom lip.

Astarion gently tugs at his shirt and Tav lifts his arms to help get it off. A few more chaste kisses before Astarion starts trailing them down Tav's neck and chest, giving special attention to the ageing crescent scars, on his way to where pants now block his path.

In wordless command, Astarion tells Tav to strip and lay down, getting undressed himself while watching intently. "I'd like to taste you", he purrs, "may I?". With a small chuckle, Tav replies "You've tasted my blood before, Astarion~". Rather than answer Astarion got on his knees and pulled Tav closer.

He kissed and nibbled the inside of Tav's tighs first, enough to leave a mark but never to draw blood. It was torturously slow and it dawned on Tav what his plan was. He was going to have to beg, wasn't he? Fuuuuuck, maybe he should've just said yes, he thought, but then I wouldn't have had this...

If Tav thought it was bad then he was wrong. As Astarion got close to Tav's pulsing wet pussy he made sure to let his breath pass over the sensitive parts screaming to be touched and nothing else always going just around, waiting.

"Astarion-", Tav breathed, "please", arching his back looking desperately for friction. "Ah ah ah, say it," Astarion grinned, "tell me what you want." He then stopped his teasing touches completely to look up at Tav from between his legs.

Tav couldn't look at him as he spoke "Taste me, touch me, fuck-" , but something made him look directly in those deep red eyes as he pleaded "please, Astarion, I need you". And gods was he rewarded. Finally, those lips went from torture to pleasure and Tav couldn't help but moan.

Astarions tongue skillfully hitting his clit in an almost hypnotic pattern was driving Tav mad. However, the insecurities crept back in as they tried to convince him that Astarion couldn't possibly see him as a guy right now. Who could when they had a mouth full of pussy and heard the high-pitched moans no voice training could change.

Just as all the built-up pleasure was sinking away a voice pierced the loudness in his mind. "Bad boy~" The instant heat roaring through his whole body blew away the doubts as just those words said oh so dominantly. "Stay right here with me and just feel" Astarion added as he lightly grazed Tav's sensitive folds with his fangs.

What could Tav do but obey? He was safe in Astarion's mouth and hands and those were skilled indeed. Spurred on by Tav's renewed enjoyment and pleased with his new tadpole party trick Astarion upped his tempo and started alternating between licking, sucking and gently nibbling at the clit. Until, finally, when he felt how close Tav was giving him one final command: "Come for me, pet."

Tav came, hard, crying out Astarion's name. He felt miles away while Astarion savoured the taste of his success. The sexy bastard was still licking his lips when Tav started coming down into his body again. When he met Astarion's gaze the vampire spoke, out loud, "Such a good boy for me~". And that was the last push Tav needed before he got to his knees and pushed astarion over and onto his back. "Fuck you," he growled. "I just did, darling~," Astarion replied, smirking.

Seeing him laying there so casually, erection standing tall, eyes still hungry in a way that was so different from when he wanted his blood was not something Tav could've prepared for. But boy was he going to make use of it. And if that was part of Astarion's plan he didn't care, he was having fun and felt safe, so why not?

Tav gracefully crawled over Astarion and tasted himself on Astarion's lips. A hand found its way into his hair as the kissing turned passionate and downright dirty. The perfect time to stealthily line up and instantly sink down on his dick. The moan that elicited was oh so sweet and left those fangs he knew so well perfectly on display... Tav couldn't help but give a little squeeze.

In response, Astarion quickly buried his teeth into Tav's neck and started thrusting ferally. Whether intentional or not, the familiar tinge of the mind link sent raw words and feelings straight gay to Tav who sent his in return to create a feedback loop of pleasure and desire as they rode and fucked each other in animalistic instinct. Neither of them lasted long before they climaxed together and collapsed in contentment.

#tav x astarion #trans tav #trans!tav #transmasc tav #pan!astarion #bg3 #astarion #tav #baldur's gate 3 #angst #fluff #smut #astarion smut #Bite kink #Tavstarion

24 notes · View notes

detransraichu · 23 days

Note

As a transman, I never really understood the whole afab/amab thing and how it’s any different then say male and female. You’re still referring to yourself as female or male, it has the words in the acronym. So I don’t understand why other trans people get so upset when using just the words “male” and “female.”

honestly some trans ppl's dysphoria is more easily triggered by certain terms, even if they literally mean the same thing. triggers often don't make a lot of sense. it's like only when there's a certain disconnect that their minds allow them to talk about sex-based politics and experiences they have in common with people that share their sex/agab. as someone with cptsd and who also used to have severe dysphoria i feel sympathy for them. it doesn't need to make sense for the rest of us, really. cuz it's more about giving them a space where they don't enter the triggered state and shut us out. and i don't mean triggered the way that dudes use the r slur, i mean it in the literal psychology term. dysphoria can be debilitating as hell. i know you prob know this first-hand. so i'm more than willing to use kid gloves when discussing sex/agab-based issues

it's good for the leftist community, and MUUUCH healthier for transfolks to recognize, even in a slightly cryptic way you might find unnecessary, that they are oppressed or privileged in some way by the body type they were born with, and will always be their agab and it's a completely neutral fact about them, it doesn't mean they need to live presenting as their agab, it doesn't invalidate them, it's just a biological fact that they need to accept and even find pride in. a trans person who does not come to term with their sex/agab will forever be in a constant state of dissociation and desperately try to erase their entire past and feel intense shame anytime it comes to mind or is mentioned by someone else. but if we radfems can give them a safe space mindful of dysphoria triggers, they can learn to have difficult talks about their agab and it'll slowly desensitize them to the topic and open their minds to genuine feminism and afab rights and a more complex afab/transfem dynamic than one of oppressor/oppressed. bc that shit is really occupying wayyy too much time better spent elsewhere. gnc people of all kinds, trans included, historically have been amazing feminist allies since they go against the status quo that bio men try so hard to maintain. it's time that transfems learn once more how to respect afab people. and to make that happen, i want to reach as many transmasc folks as i can, and as many sympathetic transfemmes as i can, so that we can have a more peaceful lgbtq community and leftist community as a whole!

#asks #lay text #research tag #radblr #transandrophobia #radfem #tirf

12 notes · View notes

onecornerface · 5 months

Text

Some of my views on trans topics

Some increased number of youth have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria due to the reduction of false negatives in recent years. This is good. (Cf. discourse on autism, as well as increase in recognition of left-handedness, and similar topics). Also some youth have come to identify as trans *without* gender dysphoria. I claim this is good OR neutral.

If gender dysphoria has increased, which has *maybe* happened (or maybe not), this would probably be *somewhat* bad (w/ caveats)-- insofar as dysphoria (i.e. a kind of feeling bad) is bad. (I think feeling bad is bad!!!) However, this has not been *shown* to have happened. Evidence for this claim is highly indirect at most.

Relatedly, all the (few) "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria" studies seem to be garbage or of highly suspect quality (e.g. Lisa Littman & a few follow-ups by her and others).

I cannot rule out the possibility that a very few people may have something like ROGD. Similarly for "autogynephilia" and "homosexual transsexuality" (Blanchard-Bailey-Lawrence). Also, I make no judgment against anyone who may have such conditions, if there are any. Which maybe there are. (But for some criticism, see Julia Serano's several essays and posts against Blanchardianism.) I think the whole AGP/HSTS theory is likely bunk-- but *if* some properly nuanced version of it is legit, I think that's basically okay.

For instance, I think Tailcalled (Survey-Anon) is a really decent and reasonable Blanchardian.

I know for a fact there are a lot of people who consider themselves AGP, and I suspect there are some people who consider themselves to be HSTS or ROGD (which I've heard secondhand, but not firsthand). However, unlike perhaps some people, I don't consider someone's (gender-related or otherwise) self-identification to be a sufficient reason that the rest of us ought to agree uncritically with their own theory (although I think a certain degree of respect is called for-- and this goes for trans [and cis] people whose self-conceptions I see no reason to disagree with, and for trans [and cis] people whose self-conceptions I see some reason to disagree with).

(Similarly, I think it's fine for pretty much anyone to disagree with some religious people's self-identification, and with some Dissociative Identify Disorder patients' or multiples' self-identification, among others. For that matter, I think it's okay to disagree with the self-identification of some people who consider themselves to be persons, if e.g. you have a Parfitian theory or error theory regarding personhood, or if you believe there is merely matter in motion, etc.)

One big reason to be open to disagreeing with some trans people's self-identification is that there are some trans women who say "I'm actually a man (or male)" or similar assertions. This is an interesting puzzle for some versions of self-ID theory. You can easily find these posts on gender-critical feminist blogs, who reblog these sorts of posts frequently (for obvious reasons). Also some trans people are traditionally religious (e.g. some of them think they have male or female or other gendered souls) or have weird gender theories (which are, in some sense or other, a commonplace in all philosophical literatures, gender-related and otherwise, including secular)-- and I think it's fine to believe they are mistaken. I think this is of some interest, despite the dubious place that many gender-critical feminists are coming from.

To be honest, I think the gender-critical feminist movement is broadly fascist or at least fascist-adjacent, even though some of them are reasonable and decent people on an individual level (much like anti-abortionists, some of whom are reasonable and decent individually, even though their movement is insane, misogynist, and often fascist). This does NOT mean every gender-critical feminist is fascist on a personal level. However, if you are trans or a trans-ally, I also think (on e.g. freedom-of-association grounds, despite my not being a capitalist libertarian) that you do not *have* to associate with people who very much do *not* validate the legitimacy of trans people's identities.

I honestly do not think I am very biased on this topic, contrary to common allegations that all skeptics are biased. (Zack Davis, among others, seems to make this assertion.) This is for many direct and indirect reasons. Unlike some people, I would not care much if ROGD or Blanchardianism (AGP/HSTS) were true, but I think there are many reasons to consider these views most likely untrue-- both in general, and for a sizeable majority of trans people.

It is hard to emphasize enough how unbiased I think I am on this topic, both for personal and intellectual reasons.

I understand there is a lot of actual and perceived bias on this topic, in regard to wokeness or political correctness or suchlike, so I don't know how to prove this. But IF I believed that (say) trans women were in fact men, then I believe I would say so openly. I'd make some serious effort toward saying this respectfully, but I *would* say it, and I'd say it directly. I do not say so, because I do not believe so.

I think a lot of people think there is widespread dishonesty on this topic. Quite possibly there is. Many people would be yelled at if they said openly that they believed trans women were men, so this is some reason to think many people wouldn't say so even if they believed so. But I swear I'm not being dishonest on this topic.

All that said, the ROGD studies appear to suck, so likely ROGD isn't common, and allegations otherwise are bunk and most likely very biased. (I also suspect AGP and HSTS are bunk, although I admit my allegation on this matter is more complex and less blatantly correct.)

I think gender dysphoria (in itself) is bad-- insofar as dysphoria (i.e. a type of feeling bad) is bad. I disagree with some number of trans advocates who think curing gender dysphoria (i.e. successful conversion therapy) would be bad in itself. Also it seems plausible to me that gender-critical feminists such as Holly Lawfort-Smith are correct in saying that the failure of trans-conversion therapy has been exaggerated. However, I also think wanting to transition is basically okay (at whatever age, including under 18 and under 13), and I disagree with the view that transition per se is bad (apart from the inconvenience and cost, which I grant is somewhat bad in itself).

Also, I reject transmedicalism and the notion that one needs to have gender dysphoria to be trans. I also (approximately) affirm self-ID as sufficient without dysphoria. So if & insofar as some increased number of young people have come to self-ID as trans (trans men, women, nonbinary), even if they don't have gender dysphoria, I think this is totally fine.

If some increased number of young people self-identify as trans due to a "trend" or "social contagion," or even a "paraphilia" (with various caveats), then I think that's cool, this is fine.

Cry about it.

#trans #gender #dysphoria

15 notes · View notes

acidbathcat · 1 month

Text

i was thinking sometimes my dissociation kicks in full force and i realize i’m inhabiting a female body i kind of full on freak out like this is not okay! oh my god! i am literally always in danger what the fuck how did i make it this far? and it’s all very scary. my point is i can see how mental illness is comorbid with gender dysphoria.

AND another thing is i don’t think it would be a stretch to assume that by these standards, women can also develop some sort of AGP. if you don’t recognize yourself as female, and it feels extremely foreign to you, then perhaps affirming the fact and constantly reminding yourself you are could arouse such a person. of course it’s not nearly the same thing but i think it makes sense why so many women go full on hypersexual where others bind their breasts and cut their hair. in response to the same bodily disconnect.

#hashtag shower thoughts #and this was very helpful because i feel like i swing back and forth between the two extremes #but they have the same source so i can work with that..

13 notes · View notes

layingeggs · 10 months

Text

I hadn't seen this before!

This is, what, my third readthrough of Boku wa Mari? My third and a half? But until now I've only read digital scans. This is my first time reading it as print media.

Isao Komori. Is violently forced into the body of a younger girl that he's stalking and infatuated with. He refuses to ever once interact with her/his own naked body. He even bathes and uses the toilet blindfolded. He claims it's to protect her innocence from his male impurity.

And all of that is finally brought to an end in a chapter titled "The Time for Confrontation".

It's simple enough. Mari's body is having a period because of course. Isao can no longer 'preserve her virtue'. Isao now has to look at this body and interact with this body, simply to keep it clean and healthy.

There's all kinds of allegory and subtext here. And we can read even further into this scene when additional context is revealed later in the story.

But I want to focus on the art. The author has chosen a double page spread, to represent this emotional hurdle that the protagonist is overcoming. To give more space on the pages to this moment so to convey its importance.

But it's a double page spread. In digital scans, you see the whole thing. You see all of and every detail. But in print media...

Here I will put the image below a read more link for depiction of period blood.

Print media is in a book, right? And books have spines. So when you open the book, the pages are flatter towards the end and curve inward at the middle.

The vagina is of course, between the legs. So we have a clear view of the legs which aren't really what we're supposed to be looking at, and an obscured view of the vagina. Which is the thing we're supposed to be looking at.

And I usually read with books at a 90 degree angle as well honestly. I don't like bending the spine when it's still new. I've read and reread this story before, but the book itself is new to me and so I want to be careful with it!

At that 90 degree angle, you can barely see anything here. I really had to open the book out to show what I did in the picture.

I'm not sure if this detracts from the story or is clearly a part of it. Isao is finally looking at Mari's vagina, his own vagina. But still there's that mental block there? Still his eyes may be looking at it but his brain is looking elsewhere? He's just gritting his teeth and bearing through it for as long as it takes to clean himself up and then cover it up again and put it out of sight out of mind?

But there are other moments in the story where important parts of the image become obscured by the parts of the pages sinking into the spine of the book. And in those scenes, it doesn't make nearly as much sense for Isao or any other character to be dissociating.

Also, even if the author did this intentionally, this work was written well into the digital age. The author fully well understood that many people would be reading this work digitally rather than physically. Many shops these days selling manga also have a website, and the website also offers a pdf download as well as ordering a physical book.

(As well as piracy of course.)

So the author surely must have known that some readers would have received the distorted vagina, some would have received the undistorted vagina, and some both.

But then, perhaps we should read into that as well? Maybe there is meant to be an ambiguous dissocation in this scene? With how dense this story is with various queer and trauma allegories, maybe a certain fluidity in the text allows different interpretations to gain greater strength?

But how exactly would that look? Maybe the distorted vagina is part of a trans male read on the character? Isao has invented the narrative of protecting Mari in order to escape his dysphoria as a trans boy? Perhaps the undistorted vagina is part of a trans female narrative? Seeing the vagina is acceptance of a femininity that Isao has been ashamed of until now?

I mean, I've met trans women who have vaginas and are traumatised about it and trans men who have vaginas and love it, so I'm not sure it can be neatly delineated that way.

Bottom line. Vagina got bent by the spine. Completely changes the emotional feel of the scene.

#Boku wa Mari no Naka #Inside Mari #Shuzo Oshimi

17 notes · View notes

sp00kyrachael · 2 months

Text

yesterday I posted and deleted a sui note

I had some doubts at first about the legitimacy of BIID self diagnosis but after last night I no longer do, that was a *textbook* psychological response to extreme dysphoria and denial of long term relief to that dysphoria.

BIID is body integrity identity disorder. In the simplest terms, it's the medical name for a condition that can manifest many ways, but in the case of myself and many of us in the community, is responsible for wanting to be 24/7 and untrain. Basically, people with BIID feel *body integrity dysphoria*, which is a type of dysphoria (gender dysphoria isn't the only kind) that is experienced as a result of not having a certain *disability*. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand it. But I feel it. So much.

The specific disability can vary between people, but it typically presents in a category of loss of a body part, loss of a sensation, loss of control of a part of the body, or loss of mobility. In my case the disability I've randomly latched onto for my BIID is urinary incontinence.

A lot of us feel a *need* to be incontinent. Like our body is wrong for not being incontinent and that untraining isn't just for kink but for making us whole in a way we can't really understand but we just *know*. It's worth looking into BIID on your own and reading more, and seeing if what you find might hit close to home.

What happened to me yesterday was this:

My partner has OCD. Really bad OCD. They are *terrified* of human waste. It used to be just poo, which was fine for me because I don't mess. But over the last 6 months so, it has grown to include urine.

Problem.

Last night, my partner was in an extremely triggered state. They were about a week off their meds, our dog had peed in the house recently and you could smell it on the air, and I was a few weeks back into 24/7.

I had just organized my diaper stash. I was proud of doing a good job, showed my partner, and brought up that it was a good time to order more since I only have roughly three weeks' worth on hand and we got some spare cash due to some good luck.

In this triggered state the reality of my 24/7 being *forever* finally caught up to them and they *begged* me not to do this. They brought up a bunch of things like how it meant we couldn't do fun things cuz I'd need to change, how it would be impossible to hide, the usual fears that are unfounded. They begged me to get therapy to fix this.

Therapy does not work for BIID. The only "treatment" is to live out the disability.

I said okay, because I love them and I want to make them happy.

So I went off to shower, to clean off my body and throw out my current wet diaper, to put away all my supplies and "take a break from this" as we agreed.

Through it all, I was basically just dissociating. Staring off into space as the shower rolled over me. Eventually cleaning myself only to make my way to the couch and stare into different space.

I opened up Mastodon and posted

"Y'all are great. Might go radio silent for a while."

That was it.

I hadn't chosen a time or method but I was so broken. I knew that a core part of me was passively, *constantly* causing harm to the person I love most. I had agreed to work together to find a solution that makes us both happy but I knew there wasn't one other than 24/7. I knew that I would figure out specifics of how to do it soon.

I walked back to the bedroom.

Apparently while I was catatonic and suicidal, my partner was also deeply upset and had been researching BIID.

"I have been doing some research... and it's possible that you simply... just *are* incontinent."

At those words I went from suicidal to not. Still really hurt, still unsure of the future, but I'd live. We'd figure this out.

We talked a lot, the rest of the night, and more in the morning. I didn't get padded again. They were still so triggered, so hurt, so scared, and I didn't want this part of me to hurt them more.

But after a while, they were endlessly apologizing for the previous night. Saying that they rationally knew most people would just be chill with this, that they understood that my abdl friends' partners were all indifferent and okay with 24/7, that it was *fine* and they were so sorry, so why wasn't I padded again?

I told them my reasons. That I couldnt bear it if something about me was passively and constantly triggering them.

To this they said that seeing me this broken, this emotionless and empty, was worse pain than OCD could ever cause them, the guilt of taking this from me was so deep and they needed me to go back to 24/7. Immediately. That yesterday's concerns seemed so silly today, that it's fucking normal and fine and it's treatment for my BIID, a real medical need, and they need treatment for their OCD to prevent that kind of trigger, that I don't need to sacrifice and harm myself to appease it.

Getting padded again was an instant mood flip. I was myself again immediately. Walking around the house singing and being silly and playing with the dogs like nothing had even happened, like we had never had this conversation.

I was able to pick up their meds this afternoon, meds that they had been skipping, and confirmed that their therapy was on our shared calendar so they won't miss it.

We have not spoken about this situation since, we have been having a wonderful rest of the day, it's really okay now. This was body integrity dysphoria and the prospect of never treating it pushed me over the edge. It's real and should be taken seriously.

I'm glad to still be here.

#suicide #tw suicide

6 notes · View notes

whatudottu · 1 year

Note

Related to the Autobot Experiment!Blitzwing concept you expanded on and brought other Triple Changers from G1 into:

Personally I’d have it so that Octane and Astrotrain were experimented on at the same time as Blitzwing but the three were considered too “out of control” by the Autobot government and all of them were set to be terminated with Blitzwing being the only one ho managed to escape and thus the sole survivor.

I feel like it’d help cement Blitzwing’s status as one of a kind and an outcast who only has himself to rely on that the OG series teased but never got the chance to fully explore, if that makes sense.

I do really like sole survivor Blitzwing, and I would make sense in an experiment to have at least a few subjects to prevent sample bias (little did they know that 3 psychologically damaged newly built war machines wouldn’t take kindly to rough treatment).

Maybe Blitzwing only managed to survive BECAUSE he was sparked a warframe and was already predisposed to understand physically to fight for his life so he went longer than Astrotrain - who was kinda a bigger target despite being the least weaponised threat - then he got boosted by double warframe for jet AND tank so Octane didn’t quite make it with only a jet. I just wanted to at least honour the characters I haven’t quite seen, the only Astrotrain content I’ve seen being Cyberverse’s and Blitzwing being of course Animated.

I was riding the coattails of @gritsandbrits of ‘make Blackarachnia not so much a hypocrite’ so that her techno-organic body dysphoria can connect with Blitzwing’s triple changing DID (perhaps even going so far as to alleviate the dissociation by creating Blitzwing’s faces to match their alters), so perhaps ‘trio of like-minded/bodied mecha being irreparably separated’ and ‘being one of a kind (beloathed)’ could be a fun dynamic.

#ask #anonymous #blitzwing #tfa blitzwing #astrotrain #tfa astrotrain #octane #tfa octane #blackarachnia #tfa blackarachnia #transformers #tfa #maccadam #i just really like the tfa bots because they are clearly very much not entirely ethical or moral #of the series that i have watched #they won the war- have canonically experimented with con cna and two civilian twins- and kinda have a fucked up science department #what’s one triple changer experiment gonna do to change that #again this was mostly motivated by grits’ reasoning to make blackarachnia a more sympathetic character #one who doesn’t turn and inflict experiments on her new side’s soldiers- ones which she is hypocritical about #but knowing there was more than one tc i wanted to haha EXPERIMENT by fitting the others in this autobot experiment #since i haven’t watched g1 i didn’t want to default to them being dead even if i’ve DEFINITELY modified broadside #and if the ‘bots still wanna try a tc experiment- the first trial went fucking wild so they’re gonna control absolutely everything about it #idk i just think because springer and sandstorm have similar/the same alt modes they could be the experiment basis for the jettwins-#giving two civframes anything ‘con or warframes need the reduction of variables and thus… get twin bots #this spiraling thought process only exists because tfa tc is a big deal #hah- a tfa sixshot would be an absolute disaster to go wrong

25 notes · View notes

picathartidae · 2 months

Note

random OC ask: say your OC is a love interest (in BG3 or a relationship-heavy game format of your choosing) — what does their first romance or "deepening the relationship" cutscene look like?

Oooo. Oooo!

So. So so so. He’s still Dark Urge, just as a companion? That’s what I’m going with. Though I’m not entirely sure why anyone would want to romance Alassane because he’s complicated and insane while also being unabashedly asexual, but hey, it’s fun to think about.

The whole romance route would be kinda really dark. He’d swing wildly between wanting to be close to the PC because he’s desperately depending on their support, and wanting to be as far away from them as possible. Alassane’s whole gimmick is that he’s losing his grip on both himself and reality in general, and his overall arc has some psychological horror elements to it that would have to be a major part of his romance as well. It probably wouldn’t be the funnest of times.

I feel like it would trigger after the unavoidable death that happens with Dark Urge in Act I, either soon after or later, depending on his approval. I imagine there was a choice of actively supporting him, simply agreeing to keep him around, forcing him out of the group, or just straight up killing him in response. So, by this point, the PC has taken his side at least once in a pretty major way — whether they outright supported him, or just allowed him to stay.

The actual scene itself would probably be similar in structure to Shadowheart’s first romance scene, I think. He’d approach the PC and ask to talk privately, and probably make a point of proving that he’s unarmed and doesn’t intend any harm.

In the event they agree, he’d lead them away to a different area, where he voices his genuine surprise at and appreciation of the PC’s support, despite everything. He’d try to get to know the PC, asking more questions about them in an effort to deflect away from himself, but there would be an insight check to figure him out, and if that’s successful, an option to push him. Upon success, he’d open up about what he actually remembers of the murder in camp (very little), his blackouts, his amnesia, his nightmares, his dissociation, and his dysphoria. Eventually, he’d suddenly cut himself off and kind of disbelievingly note that he never thought he’d ever actually tell anyone any of this, concluding that he trusts the PC, which genuinely surprises him.

Regardless, because he’s more comfortable with the PC, more of his pre-amnesia personality starts to come out as his guard is lowered and he stops masking. He would do this sort of very noticeable and mildly uncanny shift into something much more charismatic, flirtatious, predatory, and generally dangerous. He would suddenly pull in very uncomfortably close when it happens, as well. Things wouldn’t go further than a kiss before he’d sort of catch himself and very abruptly pull away in a panic, ending the scene.

I hope that made sense? I really hope that made sense. This idea fascinates me so much.

#character asks #oc: alassane erendse

5 notes · View notes

stonedregulus · 2 years

Note

hey! i’m cis and i was just wondering if you have any tips for writing non-cis characters? i’m sorry if this is rude or stupid i’m just kind of new to writing and i wanna make sure i’m as inclusive as i can be and accurate in what i’m writing, i wouldn’t wanna say something wrong just out of pure lack of knowledge and the way you write is really cool and i admire it a lot

so if you have anything to share about like how to go about writing non cis characters into a story in a way that doesn’t come across blaring obvious as like AHHH look at this!!!! a diversity card character!!!! cause i would hate that, and i just wanna be as respectful as possible :))

(and if this makes no sense or is rude i’m rlly sorry, feel free to ignore it)

Definitely not rude, I would do much rather you ask for help than possibly do something offensive without knowing, you know?

Thank you for complimenting my writing 🫶🏻🫶🏻 I hope this list helps you!

This has become a really long post, so I’m putting tips under the cut :)

I recommend talking to your friends or online acquaintances about their experiences with their gender. Are certain words/topics triggering to them? Personally, I have a hard time reading/writing about body dysphoria. It makes me super uncomfortable, especially when I know the person writing it is cis it just… it feels wrong to me. I want trans content, and I think everyone should be able to write it, but there are certain ways I feel like in general (and I’m being very broad here) when cis people write trans content they tend to use terms and phrases that they think is how we feel, when in reality it’s just rude and has a transphobic edge to it.

Find a sensitivity reader. There are some discord servers that offer sensitivity reading as a role and there are tons of people who will offer to help you out. Please just do it. I lost a friend over this. She had plenty of noncis acquaintances at her disposal, was in multiple discord groups that had sensitivity readers available, and yet she didn’t utilize them. She wrote an extremely transphobic fic that she thought was fine due to the time period the fic was set it, and while yes, technically it was, because she didn’t have a sensitivity she had no one to point out the flaws. When she posted, it lacked several critical trigger warnings, and unfortunately myself and several of my friends were sent into dissociating & dysphoric spirals that lasted for several days. All of it could have been avoided with a sensitivity reader, is what I’m saying. Even if you’re not writing something extremely dark, it’s important because they can catch the little phrases you might use that to you are totally fine, but to someone who is not cis sets of alarm bells.

trigger warning the shit out of your work. this is for everything: it’s always better to over warn than under warn. but, if you are writing a noncis person who is having even the slightest bit of dysphoria(their shirt just doesn’t sit quite right because of their body shape and they decide to completely change their outfit)—trigger warn it, being misgendered—trigger warn it, being dead named—trigger warn it.

do not give your characters dead names unless you are having another character dead name them and it is absolutely essential to the storyline (i.e. orion with regulus in wyidias). they do not need a dead name. your readers don’t need to know it. you don’t need to know it. it does not matter because it is not their name.

Please don’t use transphobia as a plot device if you can help it. i know in some situations it’s not entirely avoidable, but there are times when people just seem to think sprinkling it in adds flavor when really all it does is ruin it.

Do your research! It’s soooo easy to find information and terms and blogs that talk about experiences, you just have to take the time and do it!

Reread, edit thoroughly, have a beta if you can, and give yourself grace. You know how many times when I set a characters pronouns as they/them in a fic, I fuck up? The answer is a lot. I’m writing multiple fics where one character is he/him in most fics but they/them in the final. I fuck it up. All the fucking time. I edit and miss it. My beta edits and misses it. It happens. Someone comments on my fic “hey dude you missed this pronoun in this sentence” I curse, stamp my foot, fix it, and thank them. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up over it too much, you’re trying your best, and I’m just excited you want to be more inclusive in your writing.

Last but not least, I would probably put a disclaimer at the beginning of your work just stating that you are cis and if anyone sees anything wrong to bring it to your attention because you don’t want to upset anyone.

I hope those helped!! 🫶🏻

#ollie is answering asks #tw dysphoria #tw transphobia #writing #writing help #writing advice #writing things #ao3 #ao3 writer #ao3 author #nonbinary #trans

32 notes · View notes