#it hurts so vad i just want it to stop for a little while. i don't know

[vampirejuno]

Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was

#going out of my got damn mind. #this too shall pass yada yada im not putting myself in danger oe anything but by god im not hving a good time #this is the worst its been since 2022 i think. its so fucking hard man idk #im so tired #and it hurts so much #and i want to go back to my childhood bedroom where i could sleep and wake up to a real new day #not feeling like it's just. another take of the same scene of a goddamn nightmare #it hurts so vad i just want it to stop for a little while. i don't know #man.

[raconteur-multiverse]

Chapter 12. Nostalgic in Fall Seasons 秋のノスタルジック

First month of Fall Seasons in September, all fictions in Fictional World start harvesting pumpkins and all stores prepare random fabrics to create costumes for Villain Fest. Halloween and Thanksgiving Day will combine into one event in this festival. The citizens in here hum a famous song ‘This is Halloween’ from animation Tim Burton. Watching the citizens' activity through the window building, Kichiko is still in the meeting room of Denouement tower after discussing for operation guard this area from any suspicious activity according to anti-heroes fiction soldiers from Arcane group. Checking the document that she already filled in her reports so far when she was dealing with the antagonist fictions under Shedim brainwashed by Vad fragments. But…she can't stop thinking about her strange dream, the dream of someone who knows her, calling herself guardian of the Underworld and the Moon. Only she is confused why her face is the same as hers? It's coincidence or not?

“Selvy?...Who is she?...Every time I remember her face, why does my head hurt a little? Like I remember my old past with my dad?” Kichiko massaged her forehead and was a little dizzy, but she had already taken pill medicine before she came here. Suddenly she's blank like her mind appears, her vision of her past with her father. The moment when she and her father got bothered by thugs who tried to steal their scooter on their way to return home from her father's workplace. Kichiko's father managed to defeat the five thugs by himself even though he got a scratch bleed on his right shoulder by one of the thugs ' knives. Little Kichiko teary and hugs her father after those thugs run away in fear.

‘Kichiko. Please don't cry…I will be fine dear, it's just a small scratch. Most important is you're safe now. But…I'm also worried, even if I die someday, I must teach you how to protect yourself until you're grown up. Before I'm gone. Remember…I'm always with you.’

“Kichiko? Hey, Kichiko?”

Kichiko's vision was gone after she felt someone's calls her and patting her head. It's Ben and Naruto who call her again. These two are sure to always check up on her like brotherly love to their sister. “You okay? You looked like a blank mind like weeks ago.” Ben asks. “Ah, I am fine. Thanks for your concern. Probably I…still thinking of Halloween costumes after I check Theater Hall Venue's decorations by Servants, Toudan, and Kantai girls.” Kichiko makes excuses to lie in front of them, it's always like that whenever she doesn't want anyone to worry about her. Even herself is scared if she bothers people around her.

“Oh? Halloween costume? Same with others too in here. Everyone is really excited for the Halloween event. Especially Villains Feast, but I'm still worried since there's a lot of villains from senior to newbie this year appearing.” Naruto says with a sigh. Ben huffed at Naruto while putting his both hands on his waist then shaking his head. “Come on, let's enjoy the event! I know the Blood Moon is already appearing in the Fall Seasons in the middle of September. Everything will be fine.” Ben was assured about the situation. Still, Naruto just makes sure everything is safe from any sign of Shedim's alliance. Naruto and Ben did advise Kichiko to take a break this season, since she has been working hard lately. Tell her to try to relax by checking everyone's activities to prepare for Villain Feast around the city.

“Oh! And you have a big mission too for this festival. A very important mission, everyone is searching for someone who'll lead on preparation for parade special villains theme. Our parade last year did well but was not really lively.” Ben says.

“Do you mean everyone is looking for the Chairman of the committee?” Kichiko asks.

“Yes, so we're thinking that you could be our Chairman of the committee for the villains parade.” Naruto says.

“Oh I see—Eh? Why me? (⁠ꏿ⁠_⁠ꏿ⁠;⁠)” Kichiko shock. Naruto and Ben explain to her that they gave her an important mission to be chairman of the committee's Feast parade. Only once for this year. And she is free to find anyone who would like to volunteer to be part of parade shows. So, she still has a long time to do it, before the end of October. “No need to be in a hurry because we understand that you still hold the mission to find other missing pages from the Book of Paracosm. That's all.” Ben and Naruto explain to Kichiko before they leave the meeting room, of course Kichiko has to see what citizens are doing for this Villain Feast.

“Ah, if you need anything or need help, you can call us. Since we also don't have any work to do this season.” said Naruto.

“Also, maybe next time let's have lunch together. I heard there's a restaurant with the best cook in this city.” added Ben.

“Sure! I would love it too!” Kichiko replied to them with grins.

==========

A few hours later, Kichiko walked to the sidewalk street in this city. The children run energetically on the sidewalk while carrying their mask costume for Villain Fest. The stores have a discount too, special Fall Seasons in every spot, also the people are excited for this Villain Festival to meet their favorite villain fictions. As for Kichiko, she is still thinking about how to recruit for the parade show at the end of October soon. “It's so lively this month, like a real paradise. Never thought I would be in this world for three months after I found this magic book.” She ponders and stops next to the street light pole.

The sky in the afternoon is really cloudy, but not gonna rain. Is like still clear scenery with a breeze in fall seasons, now she's worried about being the chairman of the committee for this event, who's gonna join her? She hasn't gotten to know any close people around here. Ah, it's really nostalgic about the joint committee event. When she was in school, she joined her school friends on a school event show. She did her best to dance and sing with groups, but…none of her friends isn't appreciate her, only someone who's rich, good looking, and high ranking. “...No, I shouldn't think about that past. There's no point in returning to them.” She murmured quietly in bitter mode. Suddenly, she bumps into someone's front of her.

“Ah, sorry! My bad! I didn't see your way…” Kichiko apologizes but pauses for a moment, in front of her it's a tall young man with long blond hair which is done halfway up in a bun, using a green ribbon to keep it intact. He also has yellow eyes. His physique also looks strong with his school blazer halfway off his shoulders. He wears his school blazer halfway off his shoulders, and a sleeveless white shirt beneath. He also wears a loose, yellow necktie. It's Mage Nanashiro, from ‘Dance with Devils’.

The blond demon stares at Kichiko silently. Kichiko just blinked with confusion, did she make him angry? Or something? “Um, hello?..” Kichiko said again. “Heh, Come with me for a sec, babe.” Mage smirks before pulling the girl's right hand to him. “H-huh? What–” Kichiko yelps when he carries him on his right shoulders. Kichiko whines and struggles from his grip around her waist on his right shoulder and begs him to let her go. Mage didn't listen before he jumped up then teleported to somewhere else where no one noticed them both. Five minutes later, Mage takes Kichiko to the top of the high tower balcony in the middle of this fictional world.

Kichiko keeps holding the tower rim since she is still shocked they're on top of the highest tower. Mage is amused to see her panic expression while standing near the rim end of the balcony tower and cross arms. “So you're that human from the real World that's everyone talking about? No wonder I smell a scent that doesn't belong here.” Mage said in tough mode. “Why? And if I'm not belong here? If you don't like me, why don't you leave me alone instead.” Kichiko talks him back in seriousness. Mage whistle impressively sees her has some guts to talk back without fear. “Pretty gutsy, huh?” He walks towards Kichiko as he squat down in front of her before lifting her chin up to him.

“Be mine.” Mage said.

“H-Huh? Wait! You can't force me like that! We just met! (⁠╯⁠ರ⁠ ⁠~⁠ ⁠ರ⁠)⁠╯.” Kichiko declined. Mage huffed at her like she looked like an angry baby hisses Tiger. “Chill out, it's not like I'm gonna eat your souls or do goody stuff like I did my job in that dating sim game by my creator act…even I'm a demon.” Mage mutters before pinned her to rim holder tower like kabedon style, hitting a metal hard, resulting in a loud sound causing Kichiko flails. She is trapped in his arms corner pose, now he feels better seeing her more calm now before sniffing her cheek to her shoulder. “Eek! Stop it, Baka snake!” She protests and tries to push him but can't after he pinned both her hands to each side of her waist.

“Oh? Now you're feminine? That's better, you were so cold to me and now you're nervous like a little mouse.” Mage chuckles while grins watching Kichiko's expression flustered like a fruit peach. “No matter, I'm getting like you. Girls these days always act playful and try to mimic wanted to be the real heroine. But you seem like a fun person to tease.” He nuzzles her lovingly even himself bashfully since he never felt this before. ‘Oh Sh*t…I almost lose my toughness in front a girl like her (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠), come on Mage! Act like a real man!’ Mage murmured quietly since he is tsundere after all.

“Ehem.”

The situation is shattered when Shu Sakamaki appears in front of them by crossing arms and tapping his foot. “Tch…lazy-bone vampires appear. What the heck do you want this time? Aren't you supposed to go back to your work at voice casting?” Mage mumbles when this blond vampire ruins the moment. “...I skip when I sense the girl (Kichiko) has been taken by you, muscle head. And who's allowed to have her? How troublesome (=_=#)” Shu rage marks.

“Huh? Just because you get many fangirls every year, it doesn't mean you can add her to your 'blood stock' collection!” Mage gets up and stands in front of Shu like a rivalry between demon and vampire. Kichiko sweat drops and seeing both of them is really childish. But is it rare to see a type of quiet men and tough men like them actually a 'cinnamon rolls'? Kichiko did try to calm them down, but unfortunately they didn't listen.

“You two…”

Kichiko also loses her patience and wacks their heads like a mother scolds her children. “Yaught!/Ouch!” Mage and Shu yelps while rubbing their heads after getting wack by her. “Please, don't fight with each other! We still need to know each other okay? You can't make someone fall in love so quickly without a long bonding. Start being friends first, I can't fall in love so easily.” Kichiko gave them advice and sigh. She got the point, Shu and Mage look away while pouting after being scolded by her. “I can't believe I'm being scolded by her. Well, this is the first time someone has whacked my head like that.” Mage replied and mumbles in embarrassment.

Kichiko feels awkward, never sees them so acts like a naughty spoiler child who wants attention. “Alright, I'll forgive both of you. Sorry for hitting your heads too hard.” Kichiko apologized too while patting their heads. Being touched by humans like her, makes their mind ease, still feels annoying too since she now knows their 'weak' side. Shu noticed Kichiko's folder documents inside her sling bag and asked her for that paper. She explains that she's been chosen to be chairman of the committee Villain Fest parade for the final show. The problem is, she dunno who wants to join the committee? Mage and Shu stare Kichiko like pity to her, but Mage bravely takes the brochure from her. “Yours truly will share this poster at my place! After all, Fall Seasons are also special holidays for us.” Mage grins. Shu is feeling strange again, like jealous the second time? When he and Natsume chat with Kichiko?

“Really? Thank you! But…I also still want to know, I did see many districts around this world. Is it like a theme neighborhood or something?” Kichiko asks. To answer her questions, Shu suggested talking about it in a café rather than standing in this tower by teleport. Mage was going to hold her but failed when Shu held her close before they teleported to a café nearby.

==========

Once they're in a café, after buying drinks and snacks, Shu starts to explain to her. In Fictional World, there's many district by following fictions genre stories in novel, manga, and films:

•Elysian District, for fantasy fiction. (Examples; fairy tale fiction and humanoid fictions like Naga/Lamia, mermaid, Dridder, and more)

•Venery District, for adventure and action fiction.

•Lucifugous District, for horror and thriller fiction. Also homeplace inhuman fiction like vampire, demon, and more.

•Whist District, for Mystery fiction.

•Amity District, is mixed for the fiction genre of Family, Friendship, and Romance.

“Wow, there's a lot of districts in this world. How fascinating.” Kichiko is amazed while slurping her frappuccino cookies' cream flavor after opening the Book of Paracosm while listening to Shu. As for Shu and Mage, they're in Amity District. This Fictional World is surely the peculiar world she ever felt after she reincarnated in here. On the other side of it, Shu and Mage are confused why Kichiko isn't effective on 'fangirly' things? Like usually every girl always swoons and fangirly to their favorite idols also characters in films, novels, and games. Kichiko did answer to them that she doesn't have experience of having own boyfriend the entire of her life from high school until graduate college in her homeworld. Because she is not used to talking to people around her. Two reasons, always being bullied by her friends and teachers, also after her father passed away. Boys or girls, young or elders, they're the same.

“Now that's bummer, which means you're still single?” Mage asks. Kichiko nodded and felt shy too, that's why she doesn't have any experience of falling in love or having her own soulmate. While Shu is of the opinion that from how he sees Kichiko interact with anyone she does close to her, Kichiko prefers to be friends first. “Why of course, every relationship always be friends first. You can't fall in love with someone who doesn't know you and you need to know her or him first. That's…how my grandmother advised me.” Ah, now she misses her grandmother by remembering her advice about having own lover someday.

“...Not just you, me and him also know that feeling. Although, we just do our job to entertain our dear fans by following our creator's works.” Shu replied before patting her head gently. Kichiko feels nervous when Shu supports her like this, her cheeks are really pinkish again while she slurps her frappuccino cookies and cream flavor. “Hmph, show off ( ಠ⁠ ⁠೧⁠ ⁠ಠ).” Mage mumbles in jealousy, but he grins and sneakily pretends that there's something on Kichiko's cheek. Kichiko is confused but flails after Mage licks the left Oreo cream on her cheeks.

“?! M-Mage-san! What are you doing?” Kichiko flustered.

“Hm? Just want to clean up those sweets on your cheeks.” Mage snickers and is happy to see her expression.

“I haven't do anything or even taste her blood, you're sure have some guts, demon (⁠╬ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ⁠)...” Shu's little snarl and jealousy see the muscle demon try to provoke him.

While Kichiko flails trying to calm them down, suddenly the television in the café shows a news flash that is connected to real world television. In Fictional World, our world is connected to television like a parallel network, of course no one in the real world knows about this.

'Eight dead victims have been found mysteriously in areas of England in different locations. The police and inspector of London can't figure out who's the culprit who killed these innocent people. Five adults and three children. Only shows a bite mark on each victim's neck, unfortunately there's no clue nor does the witness know what the culprit looked like.'

After hearing the news, the customer's fictitious chit-chat in sympathy hears that news. How could that culprit do such a terrible thing like that? The host did tell that only the culprit was wearing black yukata and black glasses. They said he called himself the 8th sins. Sadly, none of them got a picture as a clue. “Seems your homeworld is having a bad situation, huh?” Mage comments it while sighing.

Kichiko also condolences heard this news, suddenly her bracelet Paracosm turned into a book along flip pages itself like it shows another missing page. The next location is Snowdonia National Park in the UK. According to the book, there is also a note written in someone's diary about what's gonna happen in that location. It seems the book can predict the future and the past. “I guess it's time to return to the UK again…But I feel bad if I ask Naruto and Ben for help because they have been busy lately.” Kichiko murmurs while tapping her fingers.

Hearing her murmur, Shu finished his cup of Grey Tea and said, “I'm coming with you. I may only learn Swordsmanship skills, I could least help and accompany you. After all, I want to know more about your world.” Shu volunteered. Mage also didn't give up too after he ate his steak, “I disagree if he joins your mission. Yours truly much stronger and faster than him. ÙwÚ) you can count on me!” Mage says proudly. Kichiko blinking and feeling awkward see both of them fighting each other again like between python vs polar bear. “How about we go together? If you two didn't have any schedule, I don't mind if the three of us go there.”

Hearing Kichiko suggested, both of them surrender and can't deny her decision. Even though she feels happy being helped by other fictions, she is still curious about what the Book of Paracosm tells her about what's happen in the next location. Is it something connected with the cases from her real world news flash about those victims?...

#my oc #my oc writing #original character #fanfic #fanfiction #wattpad #crossover #shu sakamaki #mage nanashiro

[gins-potter]

365 Days of Romitri

Day 15: Fire

holy crap, two updates in three days? who is this productive bitch? couldn't be me. truthfully this update would have been out last night but uh i was drinking and did not trust myself to finish editing and post it.

Every single muscle in Dimitri’s body locks up tight when the alarm starts to blare, loud and insistent, through St Vad’s. It takes him a long moment, but he realises that it isn’t a breachment alarm but a garden variety fire alarm. Not that that’s any less worry-inducing, but he is at least able to breathe again.

Yuri, with whom Dimitri is in the middle of sharing a coffee, turns to him, eyebrow raised in something between genuine concern and exasperation. They know it’s not a drill - they would have been alerted beforehand if it was - and it’s likely due to a minor incident in one of the Moroi’s magic classes. Regardless, they both set their coffee aside and are on their feet in an instant, heading towards the door.

“I swear if it ends up being one of those punk fire-users pulling a prank…” Yuri mutters under his breath before trailing off.

Dimitri forces himself to huff a breath of laughter. He knows logically that it probably is, just a joke or a classroom exercise that got a little out of hand, and yet he still can’t find it in himself to unclench.

They emerge from the building and Alberta falls into step beside them, her quick pace meaning that she easily keeps up with Dimitri and Yuri both despite being nearly a foot shorter than them.

“Know what it is yet?” Dimitri asks, glancing sidelong at her.

“One of the magic classrooms?” Yuri interjects, but Alberta shakes her head grimly.

“Home ec.”

Dimitri’s blood instantly runs cold and he stumbles, mind running over Rose and Christian’s schedule because of course even with her limited duty she’s on today, and of course Christian has home ec class right now. He lengthens his stride, forcing Alberta and Yuri to practically jog to keep up and even that doesn’t feel fast enough, not when every instinct he possesses is screaming at him to run.

When they finally make it up the stairs to the classroom they find the fire out and the room in a state of organised chaos, having been beaten there by half a dozen guardians as well as Dr. Olendzki. One guardian is standing at the front of the room with the teacher who is shaking her head, hand over her mouth, as though she can’t quite comprehend what has just happened. The other guardians are checking the damage which seems contained to a large scorch mark on a wall near one of the stations. Most of the students are gathered in the back corner amusing themselves, but two are sitting apart with one being tended to by Dr. Olendzki.

When Dimitri sees who it is, he crosses the room in a handful of long strides, Alberta and Yuri on his heels.

“Roza,” he says, the loving moniker coming out without even thinking as he touches her shoulder. “What happened?”

Rose glances up at him, seemingly unperturbed by both his worried expression and the fact that her arm is currently being examined by the doctor. She rolls her eyes half-heartedly, flicking a stray strand of hair out of her face. “Nothing, just the idiot behind us stopped paying attention to what he was doing and his damn station nearly exploded.”

“Rose reacted so fast,” Christian puts in, uncharacteristically impressed. “The flames were coming right at us and she shoved me out of the way.”

Rose grins up at them, hiding a wince as Dr. Olendzki prods at her arm. “If only one of you guys had been around, you would have given me full marks for my response time.”

“Is she alright?” Dimitri asks Dr. Olendzki, ignoring Rose’s wisecracking.

“I’m fine-”

“Is she alright?” he asks again, a little more forcefully.

“Just a first degree burn, and a rather mild one at that,” the doctor says, looking faintly amused.

She indicates a slightly red area on Rose’s forearm, and, unable to help himself, Dimitri takes Rose’s arm in his own hands, forcing himself to be gentle despite his haste, and looks for himself.

“I’ll prescribe some burn cream to put on it, but that’s more for her own comfort than anything else.” Dr. Olendzki turns back to Rose. “I’ll send some to your dorm later, okay? But come see me if the pain continues after three days.”

Dr. Olendzki touches Rose’s shoulder reassuringly and snaps her bag closed, nodding to Alberta before making her leave.

“You’re done for today,” Dimitri says instantly to Rose, who, predictably, opens her mouth to argue.

“No, come on, I’m fine.”

“I said you’re done.”

“I’m on limited duty already, I need to be on today”

Alberta raises an eyebrow, glancing between them with a hint of surprise at their vehemence. Yuri coughs uncomfortably and excuses himself, while Christian, looking perplexed, also glances between them.

“You heard Guardian Belikov,” Alberta says finally, putting an end to the argument. “He’s responsible for you and he said you’re done, so you’re done. Go back to your room, Rose,” she continues, voice softening a fraction. “Take the rest of the afternoon off and put some cream on that burn.”

Rose still looks ready to argue but Alberta simply walks away, protests falling on deaf ears.

Christian clucks his tongue in vague sympathy. “Sucks, Rosie.”

Rose directs a vulgar gesture towards him and Dimitri doesn’t even have it in him to sigh at their bickering or reprimand her. “Come on,” he says, touching the back of her shoulder to usher her out of the classroom.

“I really am fine, Comrade. You didn’t need to do that,” she sas as they walk down the hallway, frowning when she doesn’t respond. “Hey, what’s up?”

Dimitri merely shakes his head, unable to describe the level of panic that had swept over him when he’d realised she might be in trouble. The panic that seems only inches away lately with everything that’s been going on and the constant reminders of how easily she could be taken away from him.

“Seriously,” she says, stopping and grabbing his arm to force him to do the same. “You’re worrying me now.”

Dimitri takes her by the elbow, gentle and mindful of her burn and pulls her into a forgotten alcove, where he brackets her against the wall, hands on either side of her head. “Tell me the truth,” he says, staring intently into her eyes. “Are you alright?”

“Yes,” she says, her voice sure, all lingering traces of amusement vanishing. “I’m okay.”

The air leaves Dimitri in a rush and his eyes slide shut as he leans forward to rest his forehead against hers.

“Hey,” she whispers, hand coming up to rest lightly against his cheek, fingers tapping out a nervous, staccato rhythm, the only sign that he’s still worrying her. “What’s wrong? I’m okay.”

I know, he wants to say. He wants to say but can’t because he doesn’t know if she really is these days. He doesn’t know if she’s okay because she seems to have all these hurts that he can’t do anything to fix. These hurts that he would do anything to fix but doesn’t know how.

And so, because it’s the only thing he can do, instead of answering his hand comes up to cover hers still against his face and he turns his head to press a kiss against her burn, lips so achingly gentle that it makes Rose sigh. Because he might not be able to fix all her hurts, but he can kiss this one and make it a little better.

#va #vampire academy #romitri #rose hathaway #dimitri belikov #mywriting #365 days of romitri #vampire academy fanfiction #va fanfiction #vampire academy fanfic #va fanfic #vampire academy fic #va fic

[hereisleo]

w/ s.mg + reader

g/ hospital!au: angst, hurt/comfort, friendship, slice of life

w.c/ 1.6k

a.n/ inspired by ‘hospital playlist’, i originally wanted to post this on mingi’s birthday but decided to save the angst for a different time. i also didn’t finished it on time.

t.w/ character death

“I make paper hearts because I want and will keep on loving. This body might wither but I don’t want my love to go with it.”

Song Mingi, third in the line on the heart transplant waitlist, always surprises you. Third might not seem bad for many but within the healthcare system, there are more patients needing transplants than there are donors. The third could be fatal, so does the second and first. Simply with the state of preserving organs before its expiration time of mere hours, it could go to a different centre first.

The colour of a heart is red, the anatomically correct one that is. To Mingi, pink is a heart colour. All the origami hearts in the mason jar, a little bit fuller every time you see it, are a pretty shade of cherry blossom. You see him during your break when you’re not busy, he is often accompanied by his parents during early visiting hours and his friends in the evening hours.

You should have been in the night shift room, napping in the top bunk, close to the ceiling where you bump your head on every waking time. Yet here you are folding paper cranes next to Mingi who is folding paper hearts. Colourful cranes because he never uses any other colour when making his hearts. He scribbles a wish onto the papers before folding them, keeping a tight lip whenever you ask what he wishes for because it won’t come true if he says it out loud.

“How often do you make them, Mingi?”

His hands have long stopped moving and you are on your twelfth cranes. Before Mingi is discharged you want to make a thousand cranes. Doctors don’t believe in superstition or myth like such but it’s a charming thing. You hope to make one wish for Mingi and you’re halfway there. Thirty-three cranes a day, more the following day if you don’t meet your quota. You don’t know where this newfound passion is burning from mayhaps Mingi’s habit rubs off on you. His to remain loving and you to remain hopeful. Something controllable in the constant of uncontrollable.

“Two per hour. I make more in the morning to catch up on the hours I’m asleep.”

No wonder the jar fills up so fast. 48 hearts a day. If only they have that many donors. A life for a life, a recycle or living beyond death in another person, from the brain dead to the living, humans are fascinating. ‘We’ll do our best.’ ‘We don’t know yet.’ Because truly there are many unexpected variables. There are many miracles and losses in a hospital.

You smile, reaching for another paper, Mingi slides the stack towards you with a grin. You’re both the same. He fondly shoo you out to get your sleep after the thirty-third cranes of the night are threaded through the strings. The bunch hangs by his window, bringing much colour to his room instead of the fake plants.

Exactly eight hundred cranes later, Mingi starts to look thinner but his smile is still radiant as ever. You start to worry, there’s no change on the list. His friends and family are still desperately hopeful yet so are you. ‘We still have time.’ How much time does Mingi have?

“Don’t get too attached.”

You close the door of room four silently, nodding at the blue scrubs clad man waiting outside. The nurse accompanying him looks appalled at the blunt words but you know he means well. Mingi is not giving up and neither is the doctor in front of you, you too are far from giving up. Even if hoping hurts, you keep on hoping. There’s no other way other than to stay strong.

Mingi’s laughter reaches you as he greets the new guest, the nurse bowing slightly before disappearing behind the door. You walk out of the VIP ward with a lighter heart. His words ringing in your mind as clear as the blue sky outside.

He has a hand over his chest, feeling his heart beating with the assistance of the VAD machine. The jar of paper hearts is almost full, the lid is never screwed on.

“Don’t you think it’s amazing? You can be hooked up to a VAD or ECMO to help the heart pump blood. Cardiopulmonary bypass to artificially keep the body alive while the heart is temporarily stopped. Modern medicine has come a long way.”

He folds another pink heart, taking his time and you observe his hands, soft golden skin from being kissed by the sun and long fingers that bends gracefully. You diligently watch how he folds his paper heart. He holds it up between his fingers and against the light, he peers into it with searching eyes. The same gaze pierces through you almost as if he’s looking at your soul. He probably is.

“Metaphorically, it can be broken many times and it will still beat. Mended and stitched together with time, a salve of healing words and acceptance. It always seems to know when something is starting and when it’s ending. Terrifyingly brilliant.”

Mingi isn’t in his room when you loop through the final crane. The only pink crane in the bunch. He pouted when you asked for a leaf of pink paper but gave it to you nonetheless with a bright grin. One thousand cranes for one wish. You know your wish for him at that moment but you didn’t tell him.

You sit on his made bed, staring out of the window. The sky is painted in many different shades, only a few visible to human eyes. Other than blues and oranges, the sky is overtaken by a gentle pink. Heart coloured. You glance at the jar of paper hearts, full to the rim and still not closed. You smile, knowing Mingi he would say, ‘let the love overflow!’ You continue to watch the sun slowly sinking beyond the horizon, lighting the other half of the works while yours turn dark. When the light disappears, your phone rings. Your heart knows before your mind does.

“Get your suit.”

Amongst the sea of black and white, Mingi’s soft smile shines the brightest and unmoving. His eyes were in permanent soft crescents, still twinkling even in monochrome. A pile of white chrysanthemums lay unobtrusively around the photo frame. When the rest of the hospital staff, families and friends have left to a different room for their bereavement meal, you stay behind to bask in the comfortable silence between you and Mingi.

You sit down in front of the long table with flowers. Pulling out a heart coloured origami, his smile seems to brighten slightly though it is all in your mind. Your fingers mimic his movements, folding them into what he folds diligently. A heart. You place them on the table. You don’t know if your heart feels heavy or light. It might not feel like anything at all. You’ve braced it for this moment.

“You should eat, he told me to make sure you eat. He got your favourite.”

You think Mingi just smiled. You look up to one of his closest colleagues, he is looking straight at the monochromatic photo with a slight frown. Mingi is a vibrant person after all. He holds a fist out, he nods toward the photo. From Mingi.

A pink paper heart lands on your palm. A gift that keeps on giving. You can only chuckle at the ‘open my heart’ scribbled neatly on it. You unfold it gently, his handwriting speaking to you with the deep voice you can hear in your mind.

‘Hello! Knock knock! Can I come inside your heart? Now you have my heart in your hand. I don’t want you to be sad! I went happily under much loving care and precious time. I don’t have any regrets even though I wrote my will at such a young age, it’s still a blessing to be able to write one. I have a selfish request to ask of you, it’s mentioned on the other paper too… Will you take my position as the chief of cardiothoracic surgery? You have every reason to turn it down, I will respect your decision. This is burdensome but I now live through you. Thank you for housing me within your hopeful heart even when you know how it would end. Your heart is strong! Keep on loving for me!’

“It was a match, the donor’s heart. But due to complications during the procurement, it had to go to a different centre. I suppose he wants to love with his own heart till the very end…”

You nod, eyes blurring momentarily before you blink the haze away. There are many unexpected variables in a hospital. Even if the margin of human error is minimised to its barest existence, life and death will always be out of human control.

“He left the jar for you.”

Of course, he would and you can’t help but laugh, out of the sheer preparation and endless thoughtfulness Mingi put forth.

‘Everyone always thought of what they have achieved so far and what they want to or will leave behind, I’m lucky enough to be able to think of that. Don’t be sad for me. Don’t grief for me for too long. Let there be more hearts to open in your good days than in bad. The sun will always shine again just like how the heart will warm and beat once more.’

Standing up, the dizziness almost makes you think Mingi’s eyes are twinkling. The unmoving gentle smile somehow warms you. One thousand cranes for one wish. Your wish for Mingi has been granted. To keep on loving.

#ateezlovenet #kpopscape #kwritersworldnet #8makes1teamnet #s.mg #song mingi #mingi #ateez mingi #mingi imagines #mingi scenarios #mingi blurbs #mingi drabbles #ateez au #ateez hospital au #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez blurbs #ateez drabbles #ateez fic #hereisleo

[evak-fic-rec-turtleanon]

Evak Fics - Christmas 2017

Christmas fics posted for 2017

*** Non-English Fics *** Under 20k fics (Smutty, Angsty, Fluffy)  *** Over 20k fics

***** NON-ENGLISH FICS ***** 

Deilig er jorden by pagnilagni (Norsk, 3k words) - Et lite bakteppe: Tida etter at Maria og Fredrik ble født høsten 2029 ble ikke som Even og Isak hadde tenkt. Ungene sov ikke, fedrene sov ikke, Even ble deprimert, Isak måtte ta seg av hele familien. Nå er det snart jul... 

det kommer att regna på fredag, den tjugoandra december by vesperthine (Svenska, 4k words) - Isak har försökt säga att det inte är något att prata om ( – att mamma är dålig och pappa är feg, att han bara vill glömma allt vad förväntad familjelycka betyder och snylta på deras – ) men varje gång har Even bara tystnat och tittat ned; sett så sorgsen ut att konversationen helt har stannat av. Vilket han vet är en dödsstöt ( – en kommunikativ härdsmälta – ) som leder till allt det som han velat undvika; skrik och bråk som påminner för mycket om allting som han vill glömma.

En fantastisk julaften by pagnilagni (Norsk, 4k words) - God jul fra Maria og Fredrik og resten av familien Evak anno 2035 

I midvintertid by champagneleftie (Svenska, 8k words) - En saga om en Even, en Isak, och en magisk snöglob. 

En helt vanlig enkel dag by Always_and_ever (Svenska, 18k words) - Detta skulle bli den första dag, på länge, då han skulle känna sig ok. En dag spenderad med goda vänner på julmarknad. Han hade planerat och längtat. En helt vanlig enkel dag. Ja det var vad han föreställt sig i alla fall. Eller en historia om flera enkla dagar som inte blir så enkla som Isak hade hoppats på. ELLER en historia om att finna sin väg tillbaka. 

den mørkeste tida by pagnilagni (Norsk, 45k words) - Vi er i 2025. Isak har jobbet på Svalbard det siste halvåret. Han holder på med doktorgraden sin i astrofysikk og jobber som forsker i Ny Ålesund. Even jobber med en filminnspilling og har reist mye de siste månedene. Nå skal de feire jul sammen på Svalbard. 

Isak og Even -en julekalender by evakyaki, Frieda Echte (Plommesill), pagnilagni (Norsk, 55k words) - En Evak-fanfic-julekalender, fra oss til dere! God advent! Dette er en spesialskrevet desemberfic der vi følger Isak og Even dag for dag fram til julaften, desember 2017. Hver dag fram til jul poster vi et nytt kapittel her. 

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***** UNDER 20K FICS *****

SMUTTY

O Helga Natt by u_d (3k words) - It's Christmas Day. Isak and Even are far from holy.

santa, baby by empty_venom (SERIES, 14 fics) - Most of these are smutty fics but not all. 

Mistletoe and Type O Negative by riyku (6k words) - Isak Valtersen: vampire hunter. Kinda has a nice ring to it. 

Where the Lovelight Gleams by Sabeley (8k words) - The one where Even and Isak are stuck at different Christmas parties, but they're determined to have sex anyway. 

Uncover Me by Maugurt (13k words) - Now, Isak’s had his fair share of moments that could possibly be considered kind of gay, but those moments could always be regarded as curiosity or something else not homosexual. But straight up making out with some guy at a party couldn’t. There was just no way he could no homo out of that one. It was very homo. 

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NOT ALL FLUFF / ANGSTY

Love Actually by evak1isak (684 words) - Isak is engaged to his high school boyfriend, Chris, until things change when Even, his high school friend, shows up one day at Christmas, with an important message to tell through some posters while "Silent Night" plays in the background.

Blue Nights by Evak2121 (1k words) - "Still, he missed him more than he thought he could on a Christmas Eve." 

I'm not an asshole? by rumpelsnorcack (2k words) - Not Chrismassy. Jonas takes a few moments for himself to consider his reactions to his best friend being gay. It occurs to him that he maybe hasn't been the most supportive friend in the past. 

I'll be there, baby by Wolle19 (3k words) - All Isak want is for his husband to be home for the holidays. Even works making documentaries, so being home for the important dates is not a easy task. Isak just want a miracle. 

Oltre i confini del blu by Stria (Asia117) (3k words) - Five times Isak's Christmas is completely ruined and one time it goes completely right. 

it's going to rain on friday, the twenty-second of december by vesperthine (4k words) - Isak has tried to tell him that there’s nothing to discuss ( – that mom isn’t well, that dad is a coward, that he just wants to forget everything about family and expected happiness and just leech off of theirs – ) but every time Even has gone quiet and looked down; looked so sad that the conversation has just died. 

Soul Mates by orphan_account (5k words) - A misunderstanding before Christmas leads to a bit of angst and a whole lot of hurt/comfort. Then lots and lots of Christmas fluff!!! 

The Disaster Christmas by tusktooth (6k words) - It's now Isak's turn to meet Even's extended family over the week of Christmas.

my heart held a ledger by cynical_optimist, strangetowns (8.6k words) - A hitmen AU, wherein Isak and Even hate their jobs but love each other. 

i wrote you a song, hope that you sing along, and it goes: by traumatic (10k words) - Like a lot of seven year old boys, Even dreams of catching Santa Claus. He dreams of meeting him and shaking his hand, of asking him to show him how he does it, of thanking him for all he's done. When he actually does, Santa is exactly like he'd imagined. Both fortunately and unfortunately, by the time of Even's 23rd birthday, Santa no longer looks like that. He's no longer old or jolly; he doesn't have a large round belly or half-moon spectacles. This Santa is young, lean, and as beautiful as the world itself. 

tell me it's a good start by teatrolley (12k words) - A sequel. Even's POV of It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, before during and beyond. And a New Year's Eve. 

It's a Wonderful Life by kapplebougher (13k words) - t's a Wonderful Life AU, where Even believes the world would be better off without his existence. With the help of an angel though, he comes to realize that just maybe - that may not be entirely true. 

Life is better with you by charlyflowers (16k words) - A oneshot of Isak and Even during several Christmas times together. Childhood friends. 

I Just Want You For My Own by Twinklylightseverywhere (19k words) - Even loves the holidays, really. He loves spending time with his friends and family, drinking hot chocolate by the fire, exchanging gifts, the like. He loves leaving his apartment to see snow falling from the sky, children’s eyes lit up in excitement, and the general busy bustle of downtown Oslo in December. You know what he doesn’t love about Christmas time? Working in a fucking Post Office. 

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FLUFFY 

the way your eyes sparkle by wyoheartsmusic (501 words) - Isak and Even celebrate Christmas apart and neither of them is very happy about it 

Under the Mistletoe by evak1isak (952 words) - Isak has a crush on Eva's best friend, Even, but he's too stubborn to recognize it. With Christmas coming, Eva has a plan to set the two boys up. 

dance with me by agarina (1k words) - There's always some room for anxiety. And cheesy Christmas music. And dancing. And kisses. 

all i want for christmas is you by stringsinmelody (1k words) - Isak and Even enjoy their first Christmas together with their baby. 

Slowly Starts Sinking In by bri_ness (1.4k words) - Christmas ish. After a Christmas party, Isak and Eva consider their feelings for their friends. 

all the greenery is comin' down by colazitron (1.5k words) - Evilde fic. Vilde decides to try and make a move on Eva, and the mistletoe at the Kosegruppa Christmas Party would be the perfect pretext. If only she could actually get Eva underneath it! 

Christmas Surprises by glbertblythes (1.5k words) - Isak and Even celebrate Christmas together by going to Even's house for dinner. 

You And Me Here by TotallyTinkerbell (1.7k words) - A little Christmas-themed Evak fluff 

I'm FALLing for you by Schedazzle (2k words) - Not actually a Christmas fic but it’s too cute not to include. … the little bell above the door went off and his favorite customer came in. Even couldn’t hide the smile spreading on his face as he spotted the by now familiar golden curls. 

from such great heights by lizziemcguire (2k words) - Isak finds himself scared on a Ferris Wheel, and it's all Magnus' fault. Even is there to comfort him. 

White Elephant by HazyCosmicJive (2k words) - Vilde turns the office Secret Santa into a White Elephant Secret Santa. 

everyone hates christmas music by theyellowcurtains (2k words) - The boys plan a trip to a cabin for Christmas and a group Secret Santa. 

Hope by bri_ness (2.4k words) - Isak and Even celebrate hope. 

The Beginning of Believing by MacksDramaticShenanigans (2.5k words) - “Santa’s not even real,” Aleksander shouted, his voice so loud that it echoed down the hallway.“Yes he is! He brings us presents!” Elin whined, her bottom lip pushed out into an over exaggerated pout— something she had clearly picked up from Even. Aleksander scoffed and shook his head, blonde curls bouncing. “No! Daddy and Pappa bring us presents!” Elin’s eyes grew as wide as saucers, and a thin film of moisture clouded her pretty green irises. “No, Santa!” She argued. 

i can't pretend (guess that's love) by wyoheartsmusic (2.5k words) - Even is tired of watching his friends kiss. So is Isak. The plan? Add more kissing to the mix to get them to stop kissing.Foolproof. Right? 

Not so much of a Christmas miracle by Sassy3 (2.5k words) - Isak is trying to earn some money selling Christmas trees. He isn´t doing that well but suddenly the customers only ask for him, who is helping him out? 

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by colazitron (2.5k words) - Even knows Isak's a bit nervous about visiting his mother for Christmas, so he tries to lighten the mood with a joke. 

but cause he really knows me by ourlovelybones (3k words) - Even just wants to plan a perfect surprise for Isak, one where it doesn't go quite as planned and one where he thinks he might have gotten it just right. 

But the prettiest sight to see by imminentinertia (3k words) - Even deeply regrets doing Eva a favour for Christmas, but it turns out there’s a reward for his kindness. 

You Forgot Cranberries Too? by ultimatelawrence (3k words) - "Isak was a romantic deep down in his heart. A fact he never let anyone know. But a fact that was there and seemed to be exacerbated by the festive season."4 Christmas Eve's in which Isak sees Even. 4 Christmas Eve's to get it right. 

Bundle Up Tight! Flurries Tonight by MacksDramaticShenanigans (3.4k words) - Isak obliged and snatched up the first coat of his that his eyes landed on. It was more of a windbreaker than it was a real jacket, and Even quickly pointed that out. “If you wear that you're going to freeze, Is.” “It’s not that cold out, Even. Anyways we’re just walking to the tram stop, we’re not going to be outside very long.” 

Ready to Jingle Your Bells by MacksDramaticShenanigans (3.5k words) - It was truly a testament to how drunk Isak was when rather than vehemently denying the request or furiously shaking his head and pushing everyone away, he set his glass down and determinately rose to his feet. And there was also the fact that Isak— sober or drunk— was never one to turn away from any sort of challenge, and Mikael’s wording certainly posed this as one. (Of course, there was also the fact that Even did sing him a song, and what kind of a boyfriend would he be if he didn’t serenade Even right back?) 

The best Christmas you've ever had by hannakin (3.7k words) - “I don’t hate Christmas,” Isak sighed. “I just don’t like it.” Isak doesn't really like Christmas but Even does and he wants Isak to do too. “I’m going to make this Christmas the best Christmas you have ever had.” he whispered. 

fucking finally by theyellowcurtains (4k words) - It was nearing Christmas and Isak had to do something. He really wanted Even to be in his life forever now. 

Tis’ The Season To Be Grumpy by MacksDramaticShenanigans (4k words) - “Jeez,” Even started, giving Isak a pointed look. “Are you supposed to be using that kind of language around children?” He asked, though he didn’t sound mad— more amused than anything, really. Isak scrunched up his face at that. “What would Santa have to say about this?” 

It's Lovely Weather for a Sleigh Ride Together with You by princeofnothingcharming (4k words) - It had been snowing all day in Oslo and as Christmas was drawing near they had been playing Christmas music in KB, putting Even in such a cosy and festive mood and he’d decided he didn’t want to lose this festive feeling and wanted to something fun and festive with Isak and knew exactly what he wanted to do. 

A Grump for Christmas by Schedazzle (4k words) - Apparently he wasn't as great at hiding his emotions, because as he hastily wiped the table someone behind him said, “Why do you always frown when that one comes on?” Isak looked over his shoulder to where that deep voice had come from. Even. There was a fluttering in his stomach every time his coworker unexpectedly starting talking to him.He rolled his eyes. “It means the CD starts back up again.” Even who had been smiling at him grinned at that and chuckled. “You’re a Grinch.” Fake dating au. 

Books by Aceteroid (4k words) - Even picks up a pre-ordered book for his mother and falls for the employee at the store. 

Just Kids When We Fell In Love by wyoheartsmusic (5k words) - Isak and Even go to university 3000 km away from each other. Luckily, it's Christmas break and they had the brilliant idea to go on a cabin trip together. 

Maybe what matters is being together by evakuality (5k words) - It's Isak's first ever anniversary and he can't imagine anything worse than being forced to spend it with his co-workers. Of course, when your anniversary happens to be around Christmas time, sometimes dates collide. 

He Moves Me by warlocked_mundane (5k words) - A huge smile lights up Isak’s face and there is no trace of sleep to be found anymore. He bites his lower lip to contain the giggle that wants to escape. Even talking about their future like there is no way but for them to spend the rest of their lives together and build a family of their own, makes him giddy with so much joy. He’s never felt so happy in his life before. 

All The Way Home I'll Be Warm by Alene (6k words) - Eva finds her way back to Jonas, but more importantly she finds her way back to herself. Isak just happens to find Even in the process. Also, it's almost Christmas, and they're snowed in. 

(WIP) The Fools Who Dream by Janey_E (6k words) - A collection of moments from Isak and Even's family life, important and not-so-important. Kids, friends, mornings, evenings, weddings, birthdays, bad days, good days. 

18 Secret Santa Horror Stories That'll Turn Anyone Into A Grinch by GayaIsANerd (6k words) - Some secret Santa, some unfortunate google results, a whole lot of complaining and a heart full of gratitude. 

(Baby) It's Cold Outside by himmelsky (6k words) - December is approaching, but Isak isn’t feeling the Christmas spirit. Barista guy, aka Even, wants it differently. 

Cuddle Monsters by sikily (8k words) - One spoke of true love and the other a critic, But Christmas would be the day to believe in magic, A wink of his eye and a tilt of his head, And Isak became a believer instead. 

Make the Yuletide Gay by Sabeley (8.4k words) - Isak has been pining after Even for months. Jonas and Eva decide that a romantic getaway at the cabin is exactly what the two boys need to confess their feelings to each other.  

helpful magic by everythingislove (straykid), puddingandpie (9k words) - Five times Even uses his magic because of Isak, and the one time he actually tells him about it. Or: the one where Even is a Santa’s Helper with special Christmas magic abilities, and Isak is a normal human who he's quickly falling for. 

7 Places I Fell in Love With You by princeofnothingcharming, Victory4 (11k words) - Isak has a unique gift for Even this Christmas. In the form of letters 

SKAM ADVENT CALENDAR by salengedusmiler (SilverySparks) (14k words) - Watch your favourite Skam characters open their advent calendars together with their friends. 24 days of more or less Christmassy friendship and couple fluff!

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***** OVER 20K FICS ***** 

Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough by Amfelia (21k words) - Not sure if this is Christmas centric. Even discovers life is not always shiny and bright, sometimes it is just really hard. Angsty. 

In A Week by allyasavedtheday (23k words) - Not a Christmas fic. But this sequel is a fav. “Fine. I’ll stay at Eskild’s on Friday night. And you can add your 1000kr to our wedding present,” he sniffs. “Or,” Jonas says and Isak doesn’t trust the glint in his eye. “We could make this a little more interesting. ”Isak narrows his eyes at him. “What are your terms?” “You and Even spend the five nights up to Saturday apart. If you do, we’ll pay for your honeymoon.” 

Late December With My Heart In My Chest by LavenderWater (24k words) - In order to stop his mother's fussing since he left for college, Even tells her he's dating his roomate, Isak. They pretend to be a couple over the holiday weekend to convince his family.

The Secret Santa App by Crazyheart (25k words) - Secret Santa AU, Isak’s and Even’s altering POV. In this world, Isak and Even met at Nissen, but they were never brave enough to do anything. Isak (25) is a stressed-out salesman for playground equipment. Even (27) is a freshly educated, burned out and lonely children’s psychologist. They meet again when Sana, Eva and Vilde arrange a Secret Santa party. Without knowing it, Isak and Even end up as Secret Santas for each other and they chat with each other on the Secret Santa App. 

My Very Personal Ski Trainer by Crazyheart (28k words) - This is before Christmas 2016. Even never transferred to Nissen, so he’s doing his last year at Bakka. He has just broken up with Sonja and is recovering from a manic and depressive episode. Sana has invited Even and her other friends to a Holiday cabin trip, and Even needs to get in shape so that he can beat his buddies in Sana’s planned ski race. He tries out a personal ski trainer app and meets the hot ski trainer Isak Valtersen. Even struggles to focus only on the training. On the cabin trip, when Even arrives early, a surprise guest turns up and a snowstorm threatens to snow them both in. Who knows what happens next? 

Under the mistletoe by mazarin01 (30k words) - Isak (23) and Even (24) have been best friends since junior high. The holiday is upon them. Isak hates Christmas, having lots of bad memories attached to the holiday. Even on the other hand loves Christmas, but because of an appendix removal and a closed off mountain pass, he never gets home for Christmas. Being the best friend Isak is, he invites Even to celebrate Christmas with him. Circumstances have them kiss under a mistletoe and neither of them expected the kiss to feel that good... 

(I’ll give it to) Someone Special by nofeartina (31k words) - The one where Isak is oblivious to Even’s true feelings about him, but fortunately it only takes the Christmas holidays to change that. Childhood friends. Fake dating. 

A Thrill of Hope by mlbee (35k words) - “Yes,” Even breathed before pulling Isak in for another kiss. He pulled away and murmured, “This is so weird. I’m kissing a total stranger.” “Really?” Isak asked. “I do it all the time.” The Holiday AU 

Five Dollars by folerdetdufoler (36k words) - You know that one book that changes your life? It just landed in Isak Valtersen's inbox. 

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas by teatrolley (49k words) - So, here’s the thing: Isak moves out of his parent’s house when he’s sixteen and it’s fine, really, most of the time it’s fine. It’s just Decembers. Goddamn Decembers. They’re not exactly his favourite time of the year.This time, though: this time he think there’s someone who has it worse than he does.On the first of December that year, Even moves in. 

Around the Corner (My Very Personal Christmas Shopper) by Crazyheart (51k words) - Isak (22) works in a record shop for Jonas. Isak’s best colleague and friend is Eva, who works in the shop, too. Isak is still in the closet. He says things as he thinks, though. Doesn't like snowglobes. Even (24) comes and asks for a job. The two get off on the wrong foot, although Isak finds Even irritatingly attractive. To complicate things, Isak has just gotten a personal Christmas gift shopper, who turns out to be a very romantic gift shopper, and who doesn't shy away from a little flirting. Holiday movie AU. 

In this bed of snowflakes we lie by MermaidsandMermen (58k words) - Follow Isak and Even in this University Dorm life AU, full of snowflakes, fluffy pillows, and people who are nothing like they seem on the outside. Because people keep secrets. Pretend to be people they are not. And secrets will wear you down if you don't let them out to air once in a while. 

that’s all i really know by cammm (95k words) - Not exclusively a christmas fic. Even and Isak have been dating for a while now. They met at a young age and sort of grew up together. Even lives and goes to school a few hours away from Nissen, so there’s a lot of commuting for Isak to see his boyfriend. But what happens when Even says he moving? And then he shows up at Nissen a few weeks later, to start school?Only thing... Isak isn’t out, yet. And Even wasn’t ever told that his boyfriend was still in the closet. 

717 Miles by MermaidsandMermen (114k words) - The epilogue is the Christmas heavy chapter. Even Bech Naesheim should not be here. Well it was not his plan to be here. Not at all. Even Bech Naesheim, age 19, is supposed to be on a beach in Bali. He is supposed to be on the first stop on his Asian backpacking trip of a lifetime. THAT was the plan. That is where he is supposed to be. Not here. Alone in a house in fucking London. Being paid to look after some troubled 17-year-old. Isak Valtersen has 3 weeks left of school. He has to survive 3 more weeks. Make it through 21 more days of hell. Then he is going to hide out in his room for the rest of the summer until he can figure out how to get his life back on track. Find a school far far away where he can start over. Not make mistakes. He doesn't need a fucking babysitter. He just doesn't. His life is fucked up enough as it is. 

(WIP) You Are Not Alone by TotallyTinkerbell (130k words) - What happened after Isak told us that 'life is now'. 

Family Ties by sadgrlsclub (215k words) - Set between Season 3 and 4. Even gets invited to his first Valtersen family event, and discovers things about Isak's past and his relationship with his parents. The story of how Even and Isak get to know each other's families and deepen their bond along the way. 

#evak fic rec #skam fic rec #christmas #2017 #there's a lot

[rpausandwhatifs]

There’s This Guy|| Elliot Drabble

@danhowell-rp

@felixpierp

@shanedawson-rp

Elliot had been fighting it for so long, that it was causing him to lose sleep. He didn’t want to bring it up in family therapy because maybe he could learn how to work through his problems without a trained mental health professional in the room. It wasn’t the best decision, but he had walked himself out of his room and down the stairs. Making sure on the way down that the girl was still outside.

Persi had been doing this futile assignment her therapist gave to her to read a book about personality disorders and anxiety to help her answer her questions and move along in her sessions to a point where she wouldn’t need to take them. They were visiting in London with Bryony, but the three parents had stepped out for a little while and trusted that the two were old enough to look after themselves. A beautiful day, she had her hair out of her ponytail, allowing herself to relax in order to get settled into the book. Criss-cross applesauced under the tree, she viewed the pages and started to fill her head with the words, her long orange locks blowing in the wind. It was a rare and gentle moment for her. 

Elliot watches from the sliding door and begins to think about what he’s about to do. He’s basically giving her (and Persephone) cannon fodder, and he has a hard enough time as it is trying to figure out all of this out. Who knows? It might even be a passing thing but he wanted to test it on someone other than his parents, who he felt like would be uncomfortable at best, and probably disgusted worst-case scenario. Plus, Persi is gay(?), right? It won’t feel weird if he is, but it might be the person; you can’t help who you love, right?

The boy was so tangled in his thoughts that his saunter through the grass made him trip on his own awkward feet, exclaiming before tumbling in front of her. He sighed and stared at the sky a little longer on his back, his entire train of thought derailed.

Look, Elliot! It’s your cousin Harlan!

Baby cousin! Gimme a hug!

...

H-heyy Harlan...coming to babysit?

Yeah, but first I gotta finish my homework, your parents aren’t leaving for a little while...c’mere I’m not a stranger gimme a hug, cuz!

...

Ugh! Your sister snuck out again *sighs*...

*shrugs* You can call Papa and Otosan, and then come back, we can play a game- Oooo! Dibs on the good controller!

Du är så lat! Just go upstairs and get the other on.

The-then I’ll lose...

Then wrestle me for it! Show me how strong you are!

Y-You’re so big! I hate wrestling...

Why do you hate wrestling?

Because Persi is too big and she hurts my arm...

Do you like..wrestle with other boys?

Ew, no...why would I do that?

Cus sometimes boys wrestle! I wrestle with Reiner and stuff.

Again. Not me. Also huge. And ew. 

Okej! Jag fattar!..And stop saying “ew.”

Stop talking other than English.

Make me...*looks at him, raises brows* Jag slår vad om att du inte kommer

Ha-harlan..

Tell me why it’s gross to wrestle boys.

...

“Ellie,” Persi said, “Yo, why are you being weird?...Helllooo!” 

Elliot snapped out of it and turned his head to look at his sister, “Huh?”

“The fuck?!”

“Papa told us not to curse,” he replied, turning his head toward her.

“I don’t care. You came out here, ate shit on my patch of grass, then stared at the clouds...*sighs* What do you want?”

“I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“*scoffs* Oh that’s easy! You were born. Next question.”

“Noo! Persi...I-I-I’m...I think I’m a bigot.”

“Bigot? Do you even know what that word means?”

“I don’t like people...right?”

“No, dumbass-”

“I’m serious, Persi! Stop! I think I have a problem with sombeody...”

“Oh! Is someone picking on you?” she finally caught on, straightening and narrowing her eyes.

“Well...It’s hard to explain...”

“Is it a teacher? Another kid at school?..School bus?” she asked sitting up, feeling her chest drop that someone might be bullying her baby brother.

“He’s older than you...” he says sheephisly.

“Ew! Did you say something to Dad or Dan?”

“N-No...” he feels like the world is closing in on him.

“Some fucking perv is diddling you and I have to say something. Ellie this is serious shit, how long has this been going on? Do you know where he lives?”

“N-No! I-I-It’s something wrong with me...” he timidly tries to explain, finally sitting up and leaning over and points to his chest, urging his sister to keep her voice down.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. What he’s doing is wrong and that fucko is about to go to jail!” Persi exclaimed, shutting her book and starting to stand up when Elliot grabbed her arm in attempt to get her to sit back down, then jerking away from him, “NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY BABY BROTHER! Come on, we’re telling Dad.”

“STOP!” he yelled, his voice cracked, “It’s not like that! I don’t think I like...act like a normal boy, or I don’t think I like boys like Harlan or if I’m supposed to grow up like...I WANNA WRESTLE WITH HIM AND I DON’T KNOW HOW!”

“...W-...Is Harlan diddling you?” Persi whipped around to face her brother, the disgust on her face, “Wait, what? I dunno what you’re trying to say...Is he making you uncomfortable or touching you in the no-no zone?”

“N-No, no! Nothing like that! I just...I guess...can you like teach me how to wrestle with Harlan?”

Persi was completely perplexed by her brother's request, "Huh? What? Why? And why Harlan specifically?"

"Well if you were here that one time he was babysitting me he wanted to wrestle and I said ew and he told me it was bad to say ew to wrestling with other boys."

"Wait, like how him and Reiner wrestle? Like how boys just kinda roughhouse? Why do you say ew? That's weird."

"'Cus it's the first thing I say when he says it, but it's not how I felt. I dunno why I said it, and that's why I said that something is wrong with me and one of my friends called me a bigot because I don't like touching boys, but I like touching boys, I just don't know how."

Persi sat back down slowly and attempted to digest what her brother was explaining. She watched him try to use as much as his sixth grade vocabulary can muster. It made sense enough that his friends weren't helping him much, but the whole thing with Harlan wasn't clicking for her. Her eyes looked to the sky as she pushed her hair back and sighed, "You...Do you think you're not tough enough?" she asked.

"That's, like, part of it, but my friends don't wrestle, and I don't hang out with like big boys like Reiner or Harlan."

"So you want to learn how to wrestle because you want to wrestle with Harlan to be tougher?" she asked carefully.

"Kinda. I wanna learn how to wrestle so that I can only wrestle with Harlan," he admits with confidence.

"So the word you were looking for is probably homophobe. Just thought I let you know. However, if I think you're saying what I think you're saying then I really think you need to talk to Dad or Dan."

"I don't think they would understand-OWwwwwah!"

"Fucking idiot! Our parents are gay grown up boys! Gay means you like boys!" she bursted, extending a leg out to kick his, "You're not a bigot, though, and you're not a homophobe. Thank God."

"So you're calling me gay?" he asked, sitting up on his elbows.

"No. I'm calling the feeling you have towards Harlan gay...do you like girls?" she corrected him then asked swiftly as to not cause any awkward tension.

"I mean yeah, who doesn't?"

"Bigots and gay boys."

"So I'm a bigot," he nods and offers his answer, causing the girl to throw her foot down into his chest and knocking him back, "OWwwah! Get your dirty foot off me! This is my Versace shirt Otosan bought me!"

"How dumb are you?" she asked with a bite.

"Dumb enough to lay in the grass and think your foot is dirtier than the actual dirt I'm sitting in."

"Maybe you are a bigot," she scoffed, but trying not to be too mean on her innocent sibling.

"Seriously, Persi! What do I do?" Elliot whined, "Tell meeee!.."

"Alright, alright! Stop crying...Well. Do you wanna wrestle for real or do you wanna like they do on TV?" she asked.

"There's a difference?"

"Oh my god- yes! Absolutely!" she exclaimed.

"What's the difference? D-Don't show me!.."

"Uh, Reiner did competition wrestling for a while...And that's like sumo where you're trying to make him tap out or go outside the circle. The one on TV, which is fake, by the way, is a lot more slamming and jump moves and got some interesting drama," she said with a smile.

"Who's cuter?" Elliot asked innocently.

"What's your thing? Like why do you wanna wrestle Harlan?"

"He's..big..?"

"Not enough! I like Reiner and he's big. Do you like being held or do you like bonding with him or something like that? You understand that these are contact sports, right?" she folded her arms.

"Oh...ew."

"Why ew?"

"Because my friends and I don't play contact sports."

"Well then you're just gonna have to be different. Teach them and see if they like it."

"Again, I only wanna do it with Harlan."

"Stop dancing around why you like Harlan so much and just tell me."

"Uhh...cus..I-I'm not supposed to. He's our cousin. You can't have a crush on family."

"He's not our family technically...not blood anyway."

"What?"

"That's why I'm not completely grossed out. See, you're old enough now so I can tell you."

"What? That I'm adopted?"

"Harlan is, actually..."

"Wait...really?"

"Well, technically. Harlan has a mommy, but she couldn't take care of him, so Uncle Felix and Uncle Shane adopted him."

"Whoaa...but is it still wrong?"

"Yes, because he's too old. He's got 10 years on you, easily."

"Well can I still tell him how I feel?"

"Absolutely! He’ll still probably answer more of your questions, too."

Elliot was finally able to relax, pushing his hair back from his forehead and let it flop back down. Persi started to pick up her book and opened it to try and find where she left off. He watched her, sucking his teeth, causing her to flip the book and inhale sharply, widening her eyes at him. "Teach me to wrestle!" he whined, "And stop hurting my arm! C'mon! We fly back to the states tomorrow and I wanna try it with him."

"Ugh! Fine!" Persi said, moving her book and getting on her knees, "Get up, just like this." 

Elliot moves as his sister puts her hair in a ponytail, "Alright! What do I do?" he asks, taking a heavy huff to prepare himself.

"Mentally prepare yourself to be grabbed...Physics dictates that your lower torso is the center of gravity so he's gonna grab your torso to get you off your feet and knock you on your ass."

"Ew-OWwwaah!" he exclaimed at Persi slamming her palm into his forehead, followed by her bonking him on the top.

"Stop. Saying. Ew. Open your knees and brace yourself," Persi said.

"H-How else do I prepare?" he asked, his shoulders still wound up. She puts her hands on his shoulders, trying to roll them.

"You've gotta loosen up. You can think clearer if your muscles aren't tense...What did it for you? With Harlan?" she asked, showing him to shake out his nerves.

"Arms...I-wow!...I like-yeah- I like his arms,” Elliot surprised himself with how automatic the response flew from his lips, then realizing how his heart felt to say it. 

“That’s normal. And yeah he’s got nice arms, makes his hugs feel like you can trust him,” Persi said. 

“When do you not trust a hug?” Elliot asked with a raised eyebrow.

“If you’ve been heartbroken, you’re me, or their energy is wayy off. Now, when I approach you I’ll try and go easy but I want you to try push back and pin me to the ground,” Persi explained, making sure to lock eyes with her brother, and get herself in position to tackle him with a small expectation he’d go down like he always does, “Ready? It’s gonna happen fast.” She recieves a nod, but just before he pushes her shoulders a little.

“Hey..uhh Persi?” he asked nervously.

“Hm? What?” she asked, popping her head up.

“I’d trust a hug from you, Persephone, too! Also, uh, thanks for not being whole jerk...” he admitted with a little smile. 

Persephone looked at the boy and grimaced, but Persi felt like she might well up with tears because she really didn’t think she was a good sister, let alone he could trust with Persephone and everything, but she figures they should since their circumstances are unique.

[One Week Later]

“So...how was England?” Harlan asked, sitting on the couch, leaning back and flipping through something to watch as he settled into the easiest $200 he’s ever made. Persi had to go to work for the night and since her parents didn’t know when she’d be back (or if she was coming back that night), Harlan could use the down time and the money for when he went back to school after summer break.

“It was cool as usual, my mom, dad, and Otosan went out more by themselves so Persi and I got to hang out,” he started, watching the other’s sweatshirt-clad arms rest by his head, while he chose something to watch, settling by adjusting his hips into the couch. For the first time, Elliot was sweating, and not because it was too hot or because he rarely got in trouble, but because of the boy’s dark brown hair lazily gelled on top into a neat quiff, the soft curve of his body molded into the couch, making his sweatshirt ride up a little, “Uhh...how’s college?”

“UHm...I’m really busy. Was doing a lot of work and then I had a few projects. I like the library up there. The events are pretty fun. I was a little surprised freshman year but they don’t..do much for sophomores,” he said, looking at him with a sigh then furrowed his brows when he saw Elliot, “You okay? You feeling alright?”

“I think I like boys...” Elliot says, not realizing how quickly he jumped into the topic, “But I-I’m new a-and...Persi said for me to ask you for some advice.”

Harlan tried to understand what he was saying and sat up a little more, “Elliot...you know I’m too old for you, right?...I didn’t mean to make you feel nervous or uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I know...but uhh..you made me realize it, so in a way you’re responsible  for making me like this,” Elliot started, getting a little more comfortable and uncrossing his arms, slinking into the couch with him.

“Oh, am I really?..What’d I do?” Harlan chuckled lightly, tilting his head up and shaking his head a little in disbelief.

“I learned how to wrestle because I wanted to wrestle with you. Also, I sorta learned how homophobic it was to say ew all the time.”

“Ahh...so your sister is a good influence on you...” he said with a nod, smiling still to keep from spilling over with a giggle, he wiped his mouth and scratched his little hairs growing along his jawline just clustered enough to say he was trying to grow a beard. 

“Yeah well, sometimes she’s good. I just wish sometimes was a little more often, but she’s still my sister and I love’r!” Elliot says pridefully, then backing up a little when Harlan looks at him, “Uhh..uhm yeah, she said this means I’m starting to go through puberty, but I gotta ask my dads about it.”

“Well I’ll tell you right now, it sucks, like pojke gör det jävla suger...enjoy being young, Elliot. Revel in that innocence for as long as you can...but if I heard you correctly, you said you wanted to wrestle me?” Harlan caught him before he wavered off and downplayed his gesture. 

“Uhh y-yeah, but I just wanted to learn because I like how...uhh..strong you are~ and uhh it feels really nice to get hugs from you,” Elliot continued, not expecting him to pick up on it, his sweat getting a little worse as he struggled to look the boy in the eye that was staring him down. 

“Bluush! Är du inte en söt?~..There’s nothing good on anyway..so get up, lemme see what you got! I’ll go easy on you as long as you’re not weird about it, okay?” Harlan mentioned as he sat up, slapping the boy’s knee as he got up.

“Uhh I’ll-I’ll try..maybe we should have a code word for if it’s too much?” Elliot asked, slowly getting up as he felt like he was about to throw up, but he could practically imagine living in the boy’s arms. Harlan rolling his sleeves up and standing over him just caused his knees to weaken just a little more. He didn’t remember him being this big, or brawny, or smelling so good.

“HOw aboouutt...hm..what’s your favourite colour?” he asked, taking in the boy’s obvious hesitation at approaching him.

“Black,” he answered quickly.

Harlan rolled his eyes at his selection and shook his head, then asking again, “What’s your second favourite colour?”

“Why doesn’t black work?” he quickly asked back.

“Too many hard consonants. If you can’t breathe, you can’t get your lips together to create blah noise and the ack is just gonna sound like you straining against me. Pick another colour,” he quickly explained as he tried to fashion a ring out of some pillows and throws.

“Oh. Orange then. I like how it sounds! OORRaannnggggEEE....”Elliot added, which made Harlan giggle and nod, shuffling over towards the circle in the middle of the room, “Oh hey can you just talk to me about how this whole puberty thing goes? I really don’t feel all that jazzed about asking my parents..I’m their baby and all..”

“Maybe later, cus I wanna talk to them first to make sure it’s okay. Especially since you have this little crush on me, men jag berättar inte för dem om det...” Harlan said shaking out his limbs and getting on his knees while he rolled his neck, “That’ll be just between us boys.”

Elliot got a wave of excitement and anxiety, a little frustrated that he spoke in Swedish over whatever the last part of the sentence was, but he thinks he’s not gonna tell his parents. It made him wonder, but it also made him worry. Was he just not going to tell them right away? Was Persi onto something about Harlan being a perv? His head was swirling and he was both scared and confused, which Persi told him he needed to clear his head before he engaged in a fight or any sort of activity like this. “Yeah..uhh yeah..sure..” He awkwardly gets on his knees and stares at Harlan before thinking of something that might calm him down, “H-Hey, Harlan?”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“Uhh before we start..c-c..would it be too much to ask for a hug?” he asked, shy and timid and feeling the full weight of his question despite what he’d just explained. 

“Sure. Anytime. Never saw harm in a hug,” he says brightly and pulls his forearms in as he embraces him. It was so surreal to think that Elliot looked to him as such an influence. Elliot squeezed against the boy and sighed a huge deep sigh, allowing his body to relax into his. Harlan rubbed his back a little, feeling him relax, giving him a soft kiss on the top of his head before giving him a playful shove, “Alright, now come on, cuz! Ge mig allt du har!“

#phan #persephone grace #elliot james #harlan kjellberg-yaw

[salmon404]

I’m gonna regret posting this but uh have a story

(it doesn’t really have a name so if you think of a name plz plzplz tell me)

Chapter 1

: Long Lost Somethings

Baboom Baboom Baboom The bass was going insane in this song, causing me to bounce around even more than I would normally do. A young man I was dancing with accidentally touched my boob, normally I’d let it slide but he lingered a little too long. So I slapped his hand playfully and gave him a smirk. I turned to another boy and ground my hips against him whilst drinking from my wonderful bottle. From under the haze of vodka I heard the boy from my Last dance call me a slut. Normally I’d let that slide As well, but, I was under the influence so… I beat the shit out of him. I awoke On a couch Not my own, It was probably Some guys, I looked Around and saw I was Surprisingly still at the party. God, I was wasted, I prodded My face remembering the fight, It Appeared I only had a small black eye People were still dancing, I looked around and Remembered that this was my party, and this couch Was mine but covered in everyone's jackets. I saw on The couch across from me there was the boy I beat up, he Was not much older than me, probably a senior, I got him Good… One of his fingers was at an awkward angle… cringing I turned away from the carnage. I tried to sit up but Sera pushed me down. “You got really drunk Svea…” “Lemme up, and I’m sure you know by now, that’s not my name.” “What isn’t? Svea.” Cringing again as she said the name, I turned away. “Please…” Pity filled Sera’s eyes. “I’m not her anymore, so I don’t need you to say her name, nor do I need your GOD DAMN PITY!” I shoved away the nausea and Sera, and got up. I grabbed a bottle from a nearby counter “I think it's time you leave my party, Fina.” I told her looking over my shoulder slightly but not at her. It was a low blow at what her mum used to call her, but at least she knew her mum had loved her. “Please stop drinking Sam.” Then Serafina walked out the door. Normally I would regret what I said and run after her. There was a lot of stuff I normally did that I didn’t do anymore.

I walked away even though it hurt, She had been drunker than I had ever seen her, her accent so thick I could barely understand her words even without her slurring. Svea truly wasn’t the same person as she used to be, the person I climbed up on top of those bleachers with. I walked through the bushes to the house next door. We were no longer what we were, we weren’t even acquaintances. I didn’t know what we were before, but now… I didn’t know her at all. “How was it?” Myla asked, we had been having a sleepover before the Bjornar party started. “I saw an old friend,” Myla was the only friend I had since coming back from Britain. “You make it sound as if that's a bad thing.” “Yeh…” “What. What happened? Okay, something happened.” “Naw, I’m fine, Just really really really stressed.” I plopped down on the side of the bean bag chair Myla was using. Myla shoved me off so I laid on the floor. And gazed at the pocked ceiling. “Don’t worry, we can figure it out!” “She isn’t t' same person as before.” I moaned dejectedly. “Who was it?” I hesitated but decided to tell her. “ It was… ugh, it was Sam.” “Oh..” I couldn’t understand the look on her face, how did she know who Sam was, I mean she was always pretty popular, but Myla was a new student who knew the last name of maybe a total of ten kids. “Yeh…” “Well, you did miss a lot of st-” “Yeah! I see that,” I suddenly snapped, who was Myla to know anythin' about Jo! She didn’t know her! “Sorry, sorry, I’m just saying that I think you should find out about what you missed before trying to be her friend again.” “How do you know I want t' know her again? Say I did though, want to be her friend again, I should find everythin' out from her. N' sorry I snapped, I’m just really stressed. ” It was hard to stay angry when everything was this sad. “It’s ok, and I can tell by the way you said really three times. So what I was saying is that she will not trust you anytime soon, if you did want to be her friend again. Shit happened, I heard she's basically an orphan now. She drinks. Hangs out with like all the bad people. She’s got a drug addict as a best friend. You’ve seen her.” She made a hand gesture, that I was pretty sure meant I have a ton of other gossip about her, but I’m guessing you don’t really wanna hear it now, but don’t worry I will find someway to gossip with you soon, Damn, how can someone convey a whole compound sentence with just their hands? Without using ASL of course. But I hadn’t heard about any of this “What happened? And how d' ye know this about her? Last I checked you never talked to Sam.” “Honestly, everyone’s heard the rumors about her, even the new kids like me. Also we have band together!” She smiled cheekily, I sighed. I originally wanted to avoid her when I came back. But she was a black hole. Also it’s kinda hard to avoid her when we have nearly all our classes together, pass each other all the time in the halls, and live next door. “Ehhhh…” I moaned “...Maybe I should’ve just stayed in Britain.” “Then you wouldn’t of met me! Silly!” I laughed and we went to our sleeping bags. It was hard not t' be optimistic with Myla, but tears still pricked my eyes as I listened to the bass thumping through our neighbourhood... I didn’t know what to do. I had spent two whole years trying to forget about Svea, Sam. And now here I was, already basically stalking her and trying to figure out how to get her to like me again. I deserved her hatred though, I abandoned her. The splotchy purple designs around my room did nothing to calm me, and I drifted off to a fitful sleep.

I hate her I’m just trying To console Leah but I keep seeing Sera staring At me. I purposely ignore her And look down at the shit lunch the School hands out. Too stressed I throw Away my lunch and focus on Leah She’s having a bad day today, she Doesn’t touch her food and I Feel scared. I hate myself More than I hate Sera. I can’t even help My best friend. Leah starts to shake For seemingly no reason, I look around and see A teacher with dark Hair, it wasn’t Her dad who’s walking by, But Leah is terrified of him anyway. Her PTSD taking more control of her, I want to hug her and comfort her, rather than worsen it I Gingerly touch her hand and draw her attention. She looks at me and I motioned my head towards The bathroom across the hall. Leah nods and I get Up, thinking that I was going over to her Sera giddily Hit Myla and Myla gestured for us to come over as well. I turned away, not even being able to look at Sera for More than a moment. I thought I was over her, I guess I was wrong, I need to work on myself More, I don’t have time for feelings. The first time I had seen her in two years had been when she barreled into me after turning a corner. I had instantly tried to help her before realizing who it was. She never even hinted she was coming back from Britain, I guess she didn’t have my contacts anymore, but still. We realized who the other person was at the same time as I handed her her notebooks, we stared at each other for what seemed like forever, everything was still around us. Then in a flash I got up and ran.

I got up, I thought Svea had been heading over to me but instead she went to the bathroom. I knew I shouldn't follow her, but I just couldn’t stay here anymore, I needed to talk to her. I felt Myla try to pull me back down but it was too late I was already getting up. I could smell the smoke before I even got in the bathroom, someone was smoking some major shit. I prayed that it wasn’t Svea. I walked in and saw a sallow faced kid and Svea standing on the toilets passing a blunt over the stall walls, when they heard me they both ducked. “You smoke now, too, Sam?”I put as much emphasis on Sam as I could, I immediately regretted doin' that, I was better than that, but Svea just caused my brain t' go haywire. “Fan ni Sera.” “Vad hände?” “I see you learned some Swedish, ya kuk.” “Just that, I googled it t' period before because I wanted t' ask ye in yer own language.” “Pronunciation sucks.” “I’ll just go, it was a mistake for me t' come in here. it’s clear you don’t care about me…” “Helvete Fin, you are the one who doesn’t care!” The door to her stall opened up and Svea was fuming. “You left ME!” Her face crumpled as she realized she said the thing she had been trying so hard not to say. A whimper sounded from the other stall and Svea looked down and saw that she still had the blunt. Glaring at me, Svea knocked on Leah’s door, she waited a bit while glaring even harder at me. The door opened and Svea gave the weed to Leah before stepping into the stall and closing the door behind her. “Det ar dags att lamna.” “I’m guessin' you just asked me t' leave?” I got no response. “I missed you Sam.” I sort-of whispered, but I knew she heard. I stood there a little too long. I finally walked out of the bathroom only to run straight into Myla. “JESUS, SERA! You can’t run off like that! You need to control yourself! Come with me.” Myla grabbed my hand “ We are going to make a plan.” Myla dragged me into the empty swimming pool room thing, and then into the locker room. She still didn’t think this was enough and went to the storage room where they store… stuff… sorry I didn’t inspect the room from floor to ceiling, I was busy trying t' figure out what Myla was doing. “You're gay.” She didn’t ask, she just said it matter of factly, like that wasn’t my whole life. I had tried to hide it but clearly not well. “What? No...“ I said too sheepishly “Don’t try to deny it. I know it. And I know that you and Sam used to be more than friends, don’t ask me how I know that you are gay, I just have a really good gaydar for some reason. “But how did you know about me and Sam?” It still felt weird to say Sam. “I’ve seen you staring at that short haired, high cheek boned goddess all day. You also left our slumber party to go to her party and then were sad that you saw her.” Svea was some kind of Nordic Goddess, she was even more beautiful than when I left, she had grown into her little body and looked more like a small viking finally, instead of just a really short blond haired chick. I was surprised to see she had cut her hair into a boys style and bleached it when I first saw her, but it looked fantabuloso on her. I still had my black bob and green eyes, my body was still fairly lanky. She looked so much hotter than me. “Frick.” "Yep, I got you good girly.” “How are you ok with me bein' a lesbian when we live this far down south?” “Not everyone down here is religious and backward.” “Just most…” I said half joking. “And my family is originally from Hawai'i, and they never really had an opinion on gays.” “So what was it that ye wanted t' plan or whatever.” “Well it's clear that the both of you are still soulmates so I want you to woo her back.” “But what if she hasn’t come out?” “I mean she never specifically said it, but I’m sure no one would be surprised.” “What about t' incident?” I remembered how Myla had heard tons of rumors about Sam already, had what we had done gotten out to everyone? “What incident? I only moved here a year ago so I haven’t heard about any ‘incident’.” She used air quotes when she said incident. “ That's good, that means that it didn’t spread everywhere.” I breathed a sigh of relief and gagged as I smelled the rancid jerseys probably growing mold in the back of the room. “But what is this incident? “ When we were freshmen, fourteen year olds. We kissed on top of t' gym bleachers once and we got caught. It was my first kiss with a girl, same with Sam. T' gym teacher screamed at us about bein' sinners. He shouted about us bein' faggots and dykes and whores, that we were goin' t' hell and would burn there for eternity, we were mistakes and God hated us. “I ran away and convinced my parents t' take us back t' London, we were already going to be moving back at t' end of the school year, but I convinced them t' do it right then. I was too scared t' even think about what would happen t' us. We lived there for two years before comin' back here again this year. “I didn’t even think about Sve-Sam until we were on t' plane, on our way t' Britain. I abandoned her.” I slipped on her name almost calling her Svea, it didn’t matter t' Myla but I felt I should respect her wishes “When I got back she was like this and I don’t know what t' do, I don’t know what happened t' her. I almost didn’t recognize her in t' halls, especially when she goes by a different name.” “fuck.” “Yeah.” We sat there for awhile just staring at the musty old storage room around us and the old swimsuits before eventually starting our plan of wooing Svea back.

I was Walking down The hall like normal Heading to class again, Leah was to my left, I noticed Someone else next to me, I turned Slightly and saw beautiful Raven hair I walked a little faster I did not want to talk to her Now or ever, she didn’t get it. I Saw that she also picked up speed So I slowed down, she also did. “Ok, what do you want?” “To talk to you.” “I don’t want to.” “Please? We haven’t talked in two years Sam.” “Oh, and that's My fault?” “No.” I pulled at my hair and rushed away from her and waited At the next class for Leah. I hate her.

“Plan doesn’t work, time t' give up.” I said to Myla, eye-fockin' Sam from across the lunchroom. “ Stalking her in the halls once doesn’t count as a try.” “Yeah it does! I did a lot of hard work!” “You walked next to her for two minutes and then asked to talk, then she turned you down and you left. Hmmm, yes, I see, you just won over her heart.” “Grr.” “ Just say hi, give her a friendly wave. Start out platonic and work from there if she ever bothers to talk to you, and that's how it should be, her talking to you. Please don’t go up to her and start a heavy conversation again.” “I technically never really had a conversation with her.” I said with a smile “Or try to.” Myla responded not moving an inch (figuratively, we were walking). ”Also don’t go crazy, you are really awkward around her. Don’t go overboard on a simple wave.” “Come on, have some faith in me!” “Ok, she is looking over right now, just smile at her.” I tossed a smile over t' Sam but Myla smacked me in the back of the head. “You look horrendous! What kinda smile is that?” I rubbed my neck and glared at Myla. She didn’t have to do it so hard. Myla gestured back at Sam again who was holding back laughter. I made a face at Sam and she quickly tried to look serious. But we both ended up laughing. It seemed like a great start but then I saw the druggie whisper something to Sam and she immediately stood up and carried both of their stuff as they left the lunchroom. The next days were mainly the same, sometimes Sam never seemed to see me, or anyone besides the druggie. Just staring, into the void, the blue in her eyes was silent and screaming at the same time. It hurt me to see. On other days she just glared at me. But slowly the days where she smiled back, however meekly, started t' outnumber the glares. I still didn’t know what t' do about the void though, no matter how much progress I had with the glares, she was still fifty-fifty with the darkness. It was my fault that she was like this, we shouldn’t have kissed, I shouldn’t have left her to herself, to the world. She faced it by herself and lived, she did not overcome it though, and it was all my fault. We should have faced it together, but instead I left her. I abandoned her.

“I’m going to regret this aren’t I?” “OMGOMG! No! Of course not! Sit, sit!” “Sera, you need to stop. I’m Myla by the way.” I shook Myla’s hand “Sam, but you probably’ve heard About me before…” I trailed off, I knew I had a reputation. “I’ve missed you so much!” the normally really still Sera Bounced a little in her seat for some reason, “She’s Been waiting for this for a while.” Myla explained “Hey! Have not! I just finally got my friend t' Sit next t' me at lunch!” Sera tried to say. “Exactly Sera.” Sera frowned and looked Down at her lunch “What happened to you Sera, I was always the hyper one. You look like You downed two coffees!” I joked even though it Hurt that she wasn’t the same little girl hiding in a corner with A book. “Speak for yerself! I barely recognize ye!” I smiled with Sera even though it was the truth. I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. “How’s yer family doin'?” Myla kicked Sera under the table and she immediately tried to take it back, but my face still crumpled and fell for a moment, I recovered as fast as I could, Feelings are for the weak. I interrupted Sera before she could stumble around for five minutes trying to think of something to say, I was always the talker and when I was quiet, she tried to Be the talker but she would always fuck Up just like this. “Ma and Papa are in Sweden right now.” I weakly smiled and forced myself to make it look real. I hurt again as I realized I had Become quite good at this. “Leah decided to stay Home today.” “That’s yer Friend wh-that's the Friend you normally sit With right?.” Sera almost said The one who smokes. I used to get mad Whenever someone said anything like that but By now both Leah and I had gotten used to it. “Yeah she is, she always sits next to me, And yes she does marijuana.”

#story #my own work #shitty stories #lesbian #lesbian story #romance #i dunno

[per-aspera-ad-inferi-x-blog]

Tack, jag älskar dig..

Hello! This is my first real fan fiction that I’ve written. I hope it’s alright. I suddenly had some inspiration I suppose, to write such a thing. (I’ve never been one to write these, just to read them) But if you guys find this is good, I can try to do more! Feedback would be greatly appreciated!  Without further ado, here’s an Omega x Alpha oneshot (Note: There is some Swedish in here, I tried to keep it minimal though, sorry to be a pain in the ass but google translate may be necessary if you don’t know Swedish) ;-;

Omega took a deep breath and sighed. He looked at the moon and stars as he felt the cool night air creep around him. The aether ghoul felt quite weary due to all of the happenings, or perhaps lack there of, between him and his fellow bandmate Alpha. The two ghouls are usually very close, but lately the fire ghoul had been acting extremely distant. Omega looked down at his hands in his lap, an empty feeling washing over him. He sighed again, shaking his head at his own foolishness. 

“Bra jävla get, Omega...”, he muttered to himself. He glanced up again at the reflection of the pale moonlight on the eerily still water before him. 

Despite Alpha’s aloofness, the pair of ghouls had decided to take up a weekend retreat in a remote cabin by a lake, somewhere in the north of Sweden. Omega had made the suggestion hoping it would coax Alpha out of his shell. Much to Omega’s delight and surprise, the fire ghoul had agreed without too much fuss. 

Omega heard a rustling behind him that snapped him out of his thoughts. However, he didn’t think too much of it. He assumed it was just leaves rustling in the light breeze. A few moments later, he felt a pressure on his shoulder, a hand. He leaped up violently. “Helvete!”, he shouted as he spun around. 

Alpha chuckled dully. “Jumpy are you?” Omega’s shoulders relaxed as he saw the unmistakable form of his friend. 

“I wondered where you’d gone.. You’ve been outside for a while.” Alpha looked at Omega quietly, unsure of himself. 

“Yeah. Sorry. I just needed to be outside I suppose.” Omega started walking and gestured for Alpha to follow him. Alpha obeyed, but stayed a little ways behind the other ghoul. 

They walked back in silence to their cabin. “What time is it anyway?”, Omega questioned. 

Alpha shrugged and said, “Last time I checked it was 2:30 in the morning.” 

The aether ghoul stifled a yawn. “Perhaps we should sleep then.” Alpha offered no reply and instead proceeded to the bedroom without so much as a glance back at his partner. 

Omega sighed once again, wondering what in the hell was wrong. He couldn’t think of a single thing that could have made Alpha seem so off. Alpha still seemed to care but the familiar warmth was missing from his voice and his eyes. Approximately 15 minutes later, Omega decided he really should get some sleep. 

When he got into bed he noticed that Alpha was already deeply asleep, snoring softly. Omega felt a sense of emptiness wash over him. Here he was, laying next to his partner, but he hadn't felt this lonely in many, many years. Eventually,  the aether ghoul’s eyes drifted shut as sleep engulfed him. 

Immediately upon Omega’s awakening, he noticed that Alpha was still asleep. The ghoul looked outside the window and saw the pale blues and yellows of the sky, letting him know that the sun was just starting to rise. He carefully got out of the bed and dressed himself, being careful as to to not disturb the sleeping ghoul. 

Omega walked to the living room of the small wood cabin and proceeded to the kitchen. He started to brew a coffee and sat down on a stool at the island of the kitchen. When the pot of coffee was ready he poured some into a travel mug. Adding nothing to it, he wanted strong coffee this particular morning. He grabbed a pen and a small piece of paper from the coffee table. He wrote on the paper and rested it up against the coffee pot, which still had some coffee in it. 

The note read: “I’m going out. I will try not to be too long. I’ve taken the car. I made coffee for you, although it could be cold by the time you wake up. Love, Omega.”

Omega grabbed his mug and took the keys to the cabin and the keys to the car off from the table. He quietly left the cabin and locked the door. The aether ghoul got into the car, started the ignition, and started off on his trip into town. 

As soon as Omega got into town he pulled off of the main road, going down a narrow and uneven lane. At the end of the road, he stopped the car, parking outside of a small florists shop. 

Omega got out of the car and walked into the store. “Ding!”, went the bell on the door. “Hej, finns det något jag kan hjälpa dig med?”, a store employee asked him. 

“Nej, tack. Jag mår bra, jag vet vad jag köper.” Omega replied as he walked to the store to find a certain type of flower. He selected two flowers, of the same kind, each a different colour. The unmasked ghoul then proceeded to the front counter of the store to pay for his purchase. 

“Det blir €3,25 tack”, the man behind the counter said to him. Omega pulled out money from his pockets and gave it to the man. The store cashier carefully wrapped up the flowers and handed them to Omega.

“Kom gärna igen!”, the cashier said smiling at him. “Ha en bra dag.” 

Omega replied, “tack. du också,” and he walked out of the store, back to the car. Omega started the car and placed the flowers on the front passenger seat beside him. 

“One more stop Mr. Ghoul,” Omega muttered to himself as he started back down the lane, towards the main road. Once on the main road, he put on some quiet music on the radio. He kept driving for about 5 minutes and pulled off the road into a driveway. He parked the car and turned off the ignition. The sign of the store in front of him read, “systembolaget.”

The ghoul walked into the liquor store and proceeded to find some wine. Omega picked out a fairly large bottle of Merlot red wine. He then walked to the cashier and he payed for the wine. Omega went back outside and got in the car, putting the wine beside the flowers. 

When Omega got back to the cabin, he hid his purchases under his sweater and went into the bedroom to hide them under the bed. He heard a flush from the bathroom nearby and a sleepy looking Alpha came into view. 

“Oh hej. You’re back.”, Alpha noted. His voice sounded groggy. “Where have you been?”

“I went into town... I went to buy some more snus,” Omega said, covering for the surprise he had planned for later that evening. 

“Okay.” Alpha said, walking out of the corridor and into the kitchen. Omega went back outside, grabbing a book on his way out. It was already 12 pm by this point. He sat out on the porch and started to read. He was completely unaware of the time and before he knew it, it was 7 pm and he’d nearly finished the book. 

Alpha came outside looking for the other ghoul. “Um.. you’ve been out here for hours.” 

Omega closed his book and stood up. “Yeah I was reading. Sorry. What’d you do all afternoon.” 

“Slept.”, was Alpha’s short reply. Omega’s brow furrowed, a look of concern growing on his face. Alpha certainly had been sleeping a lot lately. Omega hoped that the fire ghoul was okay, hoping that depression was not settling in on his dear friend.

“Come on inside. We should have dinner. Neither of us have eaten today.”, Omega nudged Alpha inside the cabin. Alpha sat down at the island of the kitchen and Omega proceeded to find food to quickly cook up for the two of them. 

“All we seem to have is pasta.” Omega noted, looking over his shoulder for a response from Alpha. All that was offered as a response was a soft grunt. Omega decided to cook the pasta whether that’s what Alpha wanted or not. He knew Alpha would mostly likely eat it anyway. 

Omega grabbed a pot from the cupboard, filled it with water, and put it on the stove. He just stood awkwardly waiting for the water to start boiling so he could add the pasta. Once he added the pasta, he started looking for pasta sauce. He finally found some and grabbed a red pepper from the fridge. He diced the pepper and then grabbed two bowls from the cupboard. Omega strained the pasta, and put two generous helpings together for the both of them. The aether ghoul placed a bowl and fork in front of Alpha, who muttered “tack,” and Omega then sat in front of him to eat with him. 

After moments of silence, Omega finally spoke. “Alpha... you’ve seemed really.. off lately.. why?” Alpha didn’t say anything. He just looked away. 

“Please... I want to talk about this. Did I do something wrong? I want to fix this.” Omega sighed. 

“Did you do something wrong?!”, Alpha suddenly snapped. “How do you not know what you’ve done?!” Alpha stood up quickly, towering over the other ghoul, a look of anger glinting in his eyes.

Omega shuddered. “Alpha, I-”, but his voice cut off by Alpha.

“Who have you been seeing?! Who else is there in your life besides me, huh?!”, he screamed.

Omega’s eyes gleamed with hurt. His voice softened as he spoke, “Alpha no. Not at all. You’re the only one I want, the only one I love.” He reached out his hand to the fire ghoul’s arm as he stood up. Alpha tried to pull away but Omega tugged on his arm, making him look him dead in the eyes.

“I was planning a surprise for you...,” Omega said quietly. Alpha saw the honestly in his partner’s eyes and the ghoul relaxed his body a little. 

“I...”, Alpha trailed off, failing to think of adequate words to communicate to his lover. 

“Alpha, hand on a minute. I need to go get something for you, okay?”, Omega said. 

“Okay.” Alpha said, sitting back down slowly. Omega quickly ran off to the bedroom. He grabbed the two flowers and the wine. He checked his pocket, yes, what he wanted was still there. Omega, with his arms behind his back, holding the surprise, returned to the kitchen. 

“I got us each a rose...”, Omega said. Alpha looked up. “A white one for you and a red one for me.” 

Alpha didn’t know what to say. “Omega.. t-thank you. But why-” 

“The red one is for me to remind me of you, of your element. And the white one is for you to remind you of me..” Omega said as he handed the white rose to the fire ghoul. 

“Thank you Omega. The rose is beautiful.”, Alpha flashed his friendly smile. 

Omega reached his other hand and placed the bottle of wine on the table. “Want a drink?”, he asked smiling. 

“Sure,” Alpha replied. Omega placed two glasses on the counter, opened the wine and filled the glasses. He put them down in front of his partner. Alpha reached for his glass, and as he did so, Omega walked around the island to be on the same side as Alpha. Omega got down on one knee. 

“Oh my God..” Alpha barely whispered, his eyes starting to tear. up Omega took a small velvet box out of his pocket. 

“Alpha, you mean everything to me. I’m so sorry you ever doubted me. The reason I kept sneaking out all the time is because I wanted to surprise you...I needed it to be perfect. I hope this proves me loyal to you.” Omega opened the box, in it was sitting a silver ring with a light purple stone. “Alpha, will you marry me?”

Alpha jumped up nearly tackling the aether ghoul to the ground, embracing him in a tight hug. “Omega, God yes. Of course. Yes, a million times yes. Of course I’ll marry you!” He smiled, chuckling, and kissed his lover. Omega returned the kiss, smiling into Alpha’s lips. The two ghouls pulled away, looked at each other grinning and blushing. 

“Here,” Omega said grabbing Alpha’s left hand. He took the ring out of the box and slid it onto Alpha’s ring finger. It was a perfect fit. 

Omega smiled and Alpha embraced his lover once again. “Tack, jag älskar dig,” he said. 

“Jag älskar dig också...”

#omega ghoul #alpha ghoul #ghost #ghost bc #ghost band #a nameless ghoul #ghost fanfiction #ghost bc fanfiction #alpha x omega #alpha x omega ghoul #oneshot

[kivrin]

May 7, 1945 excerpt from a work in progress (other excerpts 1, 2, 3. 4) sequel to Burn Brighter Through the Cold.

Andrew woke gradually to a warm weight over his feet, dim light on his closed eyelids, and the faint scratching of a pen.  He kept still, savoring the fragile peace, knowing there was another, harsher waking to come.  He did not let himself wonder whether it would be the bustle of the base hospital or the rumble of the barracks.  He tried not to allow the thought that it might be Bruce’s sitting room at college; that he’d had too long a sleep, too long a dream, when he went round after an early lecture at Merton to rouse Bruce for his tute and then take advantage of the comfortable sofa there.  

The relation of the light and the bed (it was a bed, he could feel a sheet) were wrong for that, though.  Wrong, but familiar.  His own rooms at college?  What had he drunk last night, to dream so hard?

He opened his eyes, and had to squeeze them shut again at once against a sting that wasn’t all the sudden light.  The scene stayed on the inside of his eyelids, vivid as a Caravaggio: his own room at home, the bedside lamp moved to the desk, Dad writing by it in his shirtsleeves with his cufflinks and the clip of his fountain pen shining in the light.  Andrew couldn’t tell if the piercing feeling in his chest was joy at being home or grief that everything else had been real.

He must have made a noise, because the scratching stopped and the chair creaked as Dad moved, as if to come sit on the edge of the bed as he had in the long suffocating nights when neither of them could sleep.  Andrew knew he couldn’t bear that without the tears spilling over.  He opened his eyes again.

“Wake you?”  Dad said softly.  “Sorry.”  He put a hand out towards the lamp.

Andrew shook his head.  “No.  Time’s it?”

“Not quite midnight.  You can…”

“No.”  He stretched beneath the covers, wriggling his toes under the soothing pressure of the folded eiderdown at the foot of the bed, and turned onto his side.  “You just back?”

“Few hours.”  

“Find what you wanted in town?”

Dad made an equivocal motion with his head.  “Was worthwhile.”  In the half light his face was soft with weariness.  “Have a good evening?”

“Sam had to work.  Minding the kids for a meeting of the Married Families Club at SSAFA.  I got a bite at the Red Lion and walked her home after.”  He tucked his arm under his pillow and drew his knees up slightly, curling in with the memory of watching Sam gently disentangle small fingers from her hair.  “Thought it might get a bit rough in the streets, people annoyed to still be waiting, but it was fine.”

“Good.”  Dad wrote another line, then capped his pen and slid the paper closer to the lamp to let the ink dry.

“Working late,” Andrew observed.

He shook his head.  “Letter.  No one you know,” he added, before the question formed on Andrew’s lips.   

“All right, have your secrets.”

Dad smiled and sat back in the desk chair, fiddling idly with a button on his open waistcoat.

The wind sighed through the back garden, making the oak branches creak, a sound so familiar Andrew hadn’t known he missed it before this moment.   “Weren’t sitting up with me, were you?”

“I wasn’t ready to sleep.”  

Andrew studied him carefully.  “You all right?”

“Yes, fine.”  He looked to the shaded window.  “Just thinking.”  A moment passed.   “Milner’s with his wife at St. Mary’s,” he went on.  “May be a father by now.”

“He going to ring you?”

“No, no, no, don’t expect it.  But, no family of his own other than Mrs. Milner.”  Dad made a little shrugging motion with his mouth.  “So, perhaps.  When the baby.”

Again, as at the station, Andrew had an uncomfortable pang of envy and uncertainty, as if he’d been supplanted while he was away.  “Lucky little mite,” he said, around a yawn.  “Born in a world without war.”

All at once the quiet room felt even quieter.  Dad had gone very still, his eyes fixed on something beyond their reach.  “That’s what Rosalind said about you.”  His voice was rough.  “Day you were born.  She...”  he let out a breath and for a long moment Andrew thought that was all he would say, but he went on.  “Said you wouldn’t ever know… that.”

Rosalind.  Her name hung in the air.  How many years had it been, Andrew wondered, since he’d heard Dad say it?  Surely, when the first shock had faded, he’d used it with Uncle Charles, even if with Andrew it had always been ‘your mum,’ and with others ‘my wife.’  But Andrew could only remember the sound of it when mum was alive.  It had been a hopeful question when Dad came in from work; a sigh of admiration when she showed him a new picture; a rumble of annoyance when she told him to stay off a wrenched ankle.  And then, nothing.  Just that aching, hollow she.  

He studied Dad’s bent head.  “What did mum do?  In the last war?  Other than knit a battalion’s worth of socks,” he added.

“Two battalions, I think, by the end.”  Dad didn’t look at him, but he smiled, and it was a softer, less sad smile than Andrew had feared.  “She’d have liked to be a VAD, but her parents didn’t approve of such training for young ladies.  So, she rolled bandages, and played in Red Cross concerts, and collected suitable reading material for convalescent soldiers.  Eventually, she met people working on prosthetics for…”  He moved a hand towards his face.  “She never liked oil paints, but she was very good at matching colors.  Even difficult things like skin.  She’d do it in watercolor and then copy it in oil on the tin mask.”  He shifted in the chair.  “It wasn’t.... women weren’t called up, then.  Had to volunteer.”

“Like Sam,” Andrew pointed out.

“Like Sam.”  Dad tipped his head.

What would it be, to come home not to the remnants of his childhood, but to marriage, and fatherhood?  To Sam and a tiny bundle, tinier even than the baby she’d been grinning at in All Saints Street?   Andrew sat up and hugged his knees.  “Dad.  Do you ever think of marrying again?”

“Do you ever think of marrying at all?” he shot back.  The quirk of his lips spoke of teasing, but his hand, Andrew saw, had gone tight on his button.

“Didn’t seem… lucky… to think too much about it during the war.”  

Dad’s mouth turned wry.  “And now?”

Andrew shrugged again.   It struck him suddenly as unfair that he couldn’t bring Sam to meet Dad. That he had no way, short of a proposal, to signal seriousness of purpose.  But if Dad hadn’t met Sam first, he’d never have met Sam at all, and certainly never encountered her after he’d gone up to Debden in ‘41.  The whole courtship had been backwards that way, from their first meeting on the doorstep when she came to drive Dad to work, to their second chance after the days of nursing Dad side by side nearly as if they were already married.  

And of course, they’d never have met at all if it weren’t for the war.  

He thought of her heart beating against him, and the light in her eyes, and the warm touch of her hands.  But also the hurt and the anger in her voice.  That he put in her voice.

“I just got home, Dad,” he said. The silence stretched on.  Andrew stared at the lumps of his feet under the bedclothes.  In those first few years after Mum, he’d thought often and with dread of some strange woman sweeping in to make them a family of three again, but an alien family.  And as he’d grown he’d thought often, if indistinctly, of himself with some anonymous pretty wife and hazy-faced children.  

With Violet, and Kate, and other girls,  there’d been the sense that he’d have to choose: the family he came from, or the family he made.  At best, he’d thought, he’d always be interpreting one to the other. But Sam would never need Dad explained to her, and he’d never need to argue her virtues to Dad.  To be home with both Dad and Sam seemed natural, strange only when he had to remind himself that it had never happened outside those few days in ‘43.  

Andrew pleated the edge of the sheet.  “How did you know?  You and mum.”

The chair creaked. “Well.  Was rather a different time.”

“Dad.  Please?”  He looked over to his father.

Dad pulled in the corner of his mouth, then raised  his eyebrows in an expression of uncharacteristic helplessness.   “Can’t speak for her,” he said.  “Don’t know how she… just, that she did. Very grateful she did,”  he added softly.

“You, then.  How’d you know.”  

He spread his hands on his knees.  Outside, the wind sighed again.  “In the army,” he began. “What… wore on me.  More constantly even than the waiting…”  His eyes flicked to Andrew.  You know the waiting.

Andrew nodded.  

“The… living in public.  No privacy.  The noise, not war, just men.”  

Andrew nodded once more, though Dad’s eyes were far away. “When I.  Was sent home, I... longed for... solitude. But I found that Rosalind, sitting with Rosalind was... restful as being alone.”  He raised his head and let out a breath, then turned hesitantly to Andrew.  “Does that…?”

Maybe.  “Yes,” Andrew answered.  “And… was it… being married, I mean… how you expected?”

“No.”  Dad was very still.  Then he smiled, his eyes closing, and shook his head.  “It was better.  Unimaginably better.”

Andrew hugged his knees tighter, as if that might ease the sudden tightness in his chest, an almost unendurable stirring of something he wasn’t sure he could name.  Pleasure?  Hope?  Joy?  His eyes stung.

And then, like the return of a pendulum, like the pull of a wave drawing back into the sea, came the memories.  The dispersal hut; the Flamingo; light and shadow on the faces he’d known better than his own.  Charlie.  Douglas. Rex.  

“Not fair to keep a young woman waiting,”  Dad said.

“Fair.”  The word scraped through his chest like a sanding block.  “How is this, any of this, fair?  That I…have a chance at that, and Rex, Rex and Connie…”  His hands had curled into fists.  He stretched his fingers and tried to breathe evenly.  “Rex,” he repeated.  

“None of it’s fair,” Dad agreed, after a long silence.  “But not much of that’s your doing.  The bad or the good.”

I don’t think any of it is about deserving, Sam had said.  Not the good things that happen, nor the bad.   Andrew stared at his hands and tried to believe it.

“Didn’t know him as you did, of course, but.  I have the impression… Andrew.”

Andrew reluctantly raised his face to meet Dad’s.  

“That the last thing, the very last thing, Rex would want, is your unhappiness.”

Carry on for him, Dad had said, after Rex went down, when Andrew came and cried on his shoulder.  At the time Andrew had only thought of flying ops, not of the rest of life.  But it was what they’d fought for, wasn’t it, for peace and safety and ordinary work, for weddings and babies?  

And Rex himself, if Andrew had said you deserve this more… he would have laughed the strange bitter laugh that came out of him at odd moments, and thumped him on the shoulder, and said think I need your pity, Foyle?

“And I wonder, are you afraid Sam will say no, or that she’ll say yes?”

He had a nasty way of putting his finger on the crux of a problem.  Andrew sighed.  “Sam… you know how she has a way of… jumping into things, when she sees something that needs doing.  Planting potatoes, or getting a pram down steps.”  Andrew gave his father a pointed look.  “Nursing you through that bloody awful bronchitis.”

Dad twisted his mouth and tilted his head.  “All of those, even the, um, last… pretty strictly limited projects.”

“Yeah.”

“You were saying yesterday how strong she is.  Not strong enough to know her own mind, though?”

Andrew flopped back on the pillow.  “You’re worse than a seminar in logic, you know that?”

Dad made a little hmph of agreement that shifted into a yawn he covered with the back of his hand.  

“Sorry. I’m keeping you up.”

“No, no.  I’m the one woke you.”

“You didn’t wake me.”  Andrew tucked an arm under his head.  “But if you did I’d be glad.”  To his mild surprise, he found it wasn’t a figure of speech.  He was glad.  

Dad smiled, and shuffled his papers together.  “Go back to sleep,” he said gruffly as he rose.  

“Don’t you stay up,” Andrew countered.  

He switched off the light.  “Fuss, fuss, fuss.”

“Dad?” Andrew asked, when he had the door half-closed.  Dad didn’t speak, but he stopped.  “It’s the last thing mum would have wanted, too, isn’t it?  You being unhappy.”  

Dad was quiet so long that once again Andrew thought he wouldn’t answer at all, but finally, soft in the darkness, there came a single syllable.  “Yes.”

#foyle's war #foyle's war fanfiction #christopher foyle #andrew foyle #s/a wednesday #foyles pere et fils #sam/andrew land