#it doesn't make sense but I've had a super rough day so this is where I'm at

[kenobion]

Andrew Garfield interview on Hacksaw Ridge in 2016

#I had to resort to some old footage to find something to gif sorry #andrew garfield #my gifs #I'm getting an olfactory impression from this of the smell of dewy grass and clean t-shirt #he's so freaking cute here I'm gonna explode #how is he this adorable and so hot at the same time I'm suffering #the way he looks just a little bit small and the way his shoulders are makes me want to hug him #somehow looking at this I just know how it'd feel #it doesn't make sense but I've had a super rough day so this is where I'm at #I need to gif him to feel better #I have so many feelings 🥺 #andrew my beloved . . . I am available anytime

[queerfables]

Why all the crowd scenes look the same, aka: Something is WRONG in Soho

I'm not even gonna tease and draw this out because it's so cool it doesn't need the fanfare. Ready?

Season 2 takes place over the course of 5 days. During that time, most of the passersby in Soho - maybe even all of them - stay exactly the same. It's the same people every day, wearing the exact same clothes, and they wander through the neighbourhood in paths that don't make any sense. You won't be able to unsee it. I can't believe it's taken us this long to realise.

Don't believe me? Rewatch the scene from 2x03, I Know Where I'm Going where Shax confronts Crowley outside the bookshop, appearing in a series of different guises. Pay attention to the people going past.

I've marked out five people you see on screen when Crowley first exits the bookshop at 39:37:

Numbers 1, 2 and 3 are following the path right. Number 4 follows the path left. Number 5 crosses the road.

Here the five people are again, at 40:19, when Crowley goes to return to the bookshop:

Number 5 is still visible in the distance, in the direction she walked in. This makes sense! But numbers 1, 2, 3 and 4 are rounding the same corner they just passed. It's as though 1, 2 and 3 all decided to turn and head back the way they came just 40 seconds ago, and number 4 has circled the block to join them.

This on its own would be super weird, but they're not the only people to do that in this scene. The man in the purple sweater from the first picture crosses the road, then appears back next to the bookshop, then starts walking back the way he came again.

Here's the part that made me absolutely certain, though. At 40:05, a man wearing an orange hoodie with blue sleeves walks past Crowley, who is heading towards the bookshop entrance.

The camera cuts to a view from behind Crowley, and a moment later, at 40:08...

He reappears in front of Crowley and walks past him again.

It's such a distinctive outfit, there's no mistaking it. They are absolutely fucking with the background characters and they are absolutely doing it on purpose.

Your turn. There are at least three other characters in this scene who pass by multiple times. Watch it again and try to spot them.

This scene is really chaotic and obvious, but the phenomena I'm talking about is much bigger than just one scene. Let's go back to the first thing I said: the background characters don't change. All our leads do. Maggie and Nina wear distinctive outfits, clearly demarcating each new day. Even Crowley and Aziraphale, who in season 1 were like cartoon characters with wardrobes full of identical clothing, vary their looks. Crowley changes his (very subtly) each day; Aziraphale is less rigid on timing, but he has a few different coats that he switches between. The background characters, on the other hand, wear the same outfits every single day. They walk by on the street but they never actually seem to have a destination. They sit in the coffee shop or pub and don't eat or drink anything, and nearly everyone leaves together exactly on closing time. It's eerie.

For reference's sake, here's a rough timeline of season 2, with pictures of Maggie and Nina's outfits to show the passing of time. I had to outsource this section because my post was too image heavy, lol. The main point I wanted to make is that five days go by.

Five days, and all the same faces keep showing up in the background, and almost none of them change their clothes. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but there's no way it's an accident. It might, in fact, be a game changer. To me this is proof positive that something is not as it seems. I've been a massive Clue skeptic, adamant that I'd only be convinced by the most unambiguous evidence, and honestly? This is enough to move the dials. It's too big for me to ignore. Whatever grand explanation of Good Omens we come up with has to account for this. I don't have it yet, but my current working theories are that Crowley and Aziraphale are under some seriously heavy surveillance, that time warping is involved, or that reality itself is not what it seems.

It would take a really long time for me to go through all of the background characters who turn up over and over but I do want to show you what I'm talking about. To wrap up, then, I'm going to pick out some memorable characters and walk you through a few of their appearances through the week. I highly recommend looking out for this yourself on your next rewatch and seeing how many other characters you can recognise.

Yellow Skirt

The first person I kept coming back to as being not quite right. You probably remember her from the first episode - she's the one who waves and walks past Maggie and Nina the night they're locked in together. Incidentally, she's also Person Number 3 in the scene with Shax.

Day 1 (2x01 - 36:20):

Day 2 (2x02 - 42:03)

Day 3 (2x03 - 06:36)

Day 5 (2x06 - 30:00)

Coolest Leather Jacket In The World

It's not so easy to recognise people wearing lots of nondescript dark colours, but I love his hair and his jacket, so he stood out to me. I think there might be a lot more people who are wearing fairly nondescript clothes who I just can't recognise from episode to episode.

Day 2 (2x02 - 16:44)

Day 4 (2x04 - 41:20)

Day 5 (2x06 - 29:20)

Dressed In Mustard

Ms Mustard shows up everywhere. If you want to see what I mean about their paths not making sense, pay attention when she comes on screen, because she'll often show up a few times in succession and walk very purposefully to nowhere in particular. The thing that she is doing, essentially, is behaving like an extra in a tv show. Which of course she is, but you're supposed to make that invisible by not having the same person go back and forth in the same scene, or changing up their outfit each in-universe day to give the sense time is passing. Not doing that is a really deliberate choice.

Day 1 (2x01 - 22:37)

Day 2 (2x02 - 42:03)

Day 3 (2x03 - 01:49)

Day 3 (2x03 - 37:07)

Day 5 (2x06 - 29:59)

Swishy Dress

This character shows up a lot in the first episode. I've struggled to find her in later episodes, though. None of the characters seem to follow the same patterns or show up to equal extents each day, which makes me think this isn't a straightforward time loop. I haven't actually cross referenced character appearances to in world times, though. Possibly this is a project for someone who's more across the time-related shenanigans than me.

Day 1 (2x01 - 22:43)

Day 3 (2x03 - 07:01)

Yellow Vest

I've only seen this guy a handful of times, always around the French restaurant. I wonder if there's significance to that.

Day 2 (2x02 - 41:06)

Day 4 (2x05 - 12:49)

Fuzzy Blue Coat

Another background character who shows up frequently. The blue doesn't stand out quite as much as the yellows and reds some characters wear, but it's very distinctive.

While we're getting a lot of shots of the street, it's worth noting that I'm pretty sure the vehicles we see are also just the same few cars repeating each day. A lot of them are in neutral silvers and monochrome, but there's a couple of blue cars, one red, and one black and white that I'm fairly sure I've seen over and over through the season.

Day 1 (2x01 - 22:45)

Day 2 (2x02 - 42:04)

Day 3 (2x03 - 02:00)

Day 5 (2x06 - 40:10)

Day 5 (2x06 - 48:56)

Day 5 (2x06 - 50:06)

One final note: Whatever this is, Nina's employee who you see in the background at the coffeeshop sometimes isn't affected by it. He's wearing different outfits each day. On the other hand, some of the other shopkeepers do seem affected. I'm fairly sure Mr Brown and Mrs Sandwich wear the same outfits a few different days, only changing because of Aziraphale at the ball.

And that's it! Thanks for reading and I hope your mind is blown as much as mine is.

EDIT:

Hey I don't mind anyone pointing out production reasons that this might be the case or disagreeing with my analysis (over-analysis, some might say 😉). Please be kind about it, though. I'm not ignorant of the practical limitations involved in film making, but some of these costumes were really distinctive in a way I thought might be intended to draw attention.

For those of you who do find this theory convincing, I feel I should mention that I was working under the assumption that this stuff would have taken a few days to film, even filming it all together. That would strongly suggest that the actors were deliberately costumed the exact same way over multiple days of shooting, which made me think it had to be purposeful. @coranax was kind enough to point out, though, that behind the scenes videos said the extras were filmed separately to the main actors because of Covid protocols. In that case, they could have done it in just one day and that weakens my confidence in its intentionality.

Finally, all of my points about the scene with Shax in 2x03 stand. That was not a case of accidental continuity errors, it was really elegantly choreographed to enhance the tension in the scene. I say that with confidence because the extras are doing exactly what Shax is doing: circling Crowley, appearing where he doesn't expect them, creating a whirlwind sense of being off balance and out of control. I think it's really cool and effective, whether there's a deeper meaning to it or not.

#good omens #good omens meta #fable talks good omens

[tinywitchgoblin]

i was wondering if i could get a ship request!

i'm 19, cis, use she/her pronouns, i'm an INTP and a taurus. I also have ADHD, depression, and suspect i'm also autistic.

I'm 5'7", have medium length dark brown hair, and eyes that are the color of the void. Im pretty lanky and have awful posture. i'm native american!

i'm primarily a musician! i play lead guitar for an all-girl band, sing, write my own songs, and play an array of other instruments. I will spend hours and hours practicing without even realizing the time passing. it's both a hobby and a my biggest passion that i hope to turn into a career one day

Other than music i like to draw and do makeup. Currently i'm in college and i work retail at a makeup store.

I'm pretty quiet sometimes, but when i get to yappin'...especially when it's about something i'm interested in😮‍💨

i've always had a hard time getting guys to like me and i think it's because they hate that i'm funnier than them. I literally do bits irl, and will actively do physical comedy and make up situations (like the other day my friend and i were joking about what if they made an anime musical) like imagine brittany broski that's my sense of humor pretty much.

anyways thank you so much i hope this is enough haha

(I'd love to hear some of your music if you're willing to share it!)

Thanks for participating!

I ship you with...

Hunter!

One of Hunter's favorite ways to decompress and relax his senses is to listen to music. That's actually how he met you- through finding (and listening to) your music. He finds it comforting, and when he hears you and your band play in person, he immediately falls in love. It takes him a little while to work up the courage to ask you out, but he's ecstatic when you say yes. He's super supportive of your career as a musician, and loves to be a part of your songwriting process. Sometimes he even helps out a little bit! He almost cries when you write a song about him; it makes him feel seen and loved in a way he's never felt before.

Hunter loves your sense of humor, and enjoys hearing you do comedy. He's been so uptight for so long, and when he starts laughing, it's like a massive weight off of his chest. You love to hear him laugh- he doesn't have a particularly loud laugh, but it's infectious all the same, and there are times where you and he will laugh so hard you're practically rolling on the floor. Crosshair loves making fun of him for it, but that isn't going to stop him from enjoying your humor- and being with you in general.

When your depression is really weighing down on you, Hunter is always there with you to guide you through the rough days. He'll cuddle with you, get you some tea, put on some music, whatever you're comfortable with and/or need in the moment. He's also good at helping you take care of yourself. If you need to take some medicine, he's got it in hand for you. If you need a bath, don't worry- he's already got it going, plus he restocked your favorite body wash. If you need a reminder to eat, he grabs an easy to eat meal (like ramen or something) so it doesn't mess with your body too much but still allows you to eat something. He's very supportive of you however you're doing, in whatever you're up to, because a happy you means a happy Hunter, too.

-

Thanks for reading! If you want a ship request like this, drop it in my ask box (but it might take a while), and don't forget to reblog <3

#the bad bois #the bad batch #hunter bad batch #star wars x reader #sergeant hunter #hunter x reader #hunter #hunter tbb #sergeant hunter x reader #tbb hunter x you #tbb hunter x reader #tbb hunter #tbb hunter x gn!reader

[coexistentialism]

What does switching with Dissociative Identity Disorder, feel, look, sound, and uh... taste like? Like actually, I don't know. I've been thinking that I might have P-DID, but if switching is like you say where you can keep the same line of consciousness and maybe even a rough sense of the same identity, then I might be way off. If switching is not like just becoming a completely different person, than what is it supposed to be like?

You'll get different answers depending on who you ask, many people will even say that it's different each time they switch. Unfortunately, there's no real "objective" way to measure whether someone has switched - for some people it's "clear-cut" to them, "obvious." For others, like me, it's not. Switching is very very personal to everyone and that's why there's no one singular answer, because it's so subjective.

if switching is like you say where you can keep the same line of consciousness and maybe even a rough sense of the same identity

It feels like nothing to me, this is exactly what it's like. I always have the same constant stream of consciousness and I'm always "Just Ethan" (Ethan being.. Just Me, just me at any given time).

I do not have any kind of special experience that tells me I've switched or alters with these strong, distinct sense of identity where they just know who they are and switch in and go "hey lol I'm (alter) and I'm distinctly different from (other alter) and-" I don't have that at all.

SOMETIMES there are more "clear-cut" signs, like I've had times where I was very depressed, sobbing, head hurting, and then suddenly the pain goes away and I'm not depressed or anything anymore and then start to question if my head was even hurting in the first place. Or I feel as if I suddenly "woke up", but not in a literal sense, more like being super zoned out during a class lecture and then zoning back in. My eyes aren't closed, I didn't become unconscious, I'm just suddenly jumped back into reality.

But generally there's nothing that makes it obvious that I've switched; it doesn't "Feel" like anything and I can only ASSUME that I've switched, I never "truly" "know". Same with figuring out my alters; I never "truly" "know", I can only make assumptions.

There's I said, there's nuance because I DO have instances where I'm fairly well aware that I've switched in some way (my body language has changed; my mood has changed instantly; etc.), but none of those experiences are accompanied by anything like "I suddenly know I am a distinctly different person" or "I feel as if I LITERALLY teleported and have ZERO MEMORY of ANYTHING-" and I still never ""truly"" ""KNOW"", I just assume based off of my knowledge on DID/OSDD and my therapists confirmation (like her agreeing that she's noticed I've switched or noticed I'm exhibiting the same behaviors as our previous session or confirming that Yes It Really Does Work Like That, for examples)

I objectively can't figure out my alters in this way of "this alter has a distinct identity so I know who they are now and I know (xyz) stuff about them" I just can't. I objectively cannot.

What I CAN do is looks at patterns and trends in my behaviors, feelings, etc. and what things are associated with what things...

Like...

It's not like I ""know"" what alter I am; I NEVER know. I only know the behaviors, feelings, opinions, and thoughts that I am exhibiting at any time and try to keep note of them and that usually involves like "okay, I've been using this specific icon on Discord for a while and I've been exhibiting these feelings, behaviors, opinions, thoughts, etc. and (any other details I may have noticed" and then come to conclude that those behaviors, etc. that I was exhibiting associated with a Discord icon and/or username/etc.etc. is an alter.

These days, I'm focused less on trying to put names to alters and just explaining "when I'm in (xyz) mode/mood" and "my (xyz) parts/moods/modes/etc." because a lot of the different feelings and behaviors and stuff overlap between parts and it's difficult to make distinctions and I have to do more broad categorizations of my alters rather than narrowing it down, especially when there are multiple parts that could be described as "depressed parts" or something. So instead of "when (alter) is fronting" it's "when I'm in my (xyz) mood/moods (/mode/modes)"

Like, as Finn, as who I've likely (mostly - I switch a lot in the day) been for the past 2 weeks, I'm much more interested in DID/OSDD research - researching it, talking about it, working on some posts in my drafts. Less interested in Splatoon, though might play it every so often. I'm much more confident and positive; feel much more optimistic, can get things done.

Finn is not the only part who fits the description of "when I'm in a more positive mode and interested in DID/OSDD and researching it" which is why I'll say stuff like "when I'm in my DID/OSDD-Research Moods/Modes" for example.

A lot of my experiences are vague and fleeting and I will switch "modes" within milliseconds, and there has been research that confirms that switches do in fact occur within seconds. I say that as well because I know there are many people out there who feel baffled by how INSTANT and flawless a switch can be and I am here to say that that's normal and very much does happen for so many people. It really IS that fast, I promise

I have no idea how much of this stuff is going to apply to people because so much of my experience is Online and through things like changing Discord icons which might be relatable to some people, but not for most people.

It's difficult to explain and as confident in my experiences of my own DID/OSDD and my system as I am, I do still get anxious that people will read me saying shit like "I know I'm a different alter because I'm vibing with a different Discord icon" or some shit and think that I'm claiming that using a different icon on social media is inherently a DID/OSDD alter switch 😭 which is not at all what I am saying and will never say, I am only speaking from my personal experiences

My PERSONAL indicators for myself that tell me I've switched/am a different alter:

Physical pain/feelings are suddenly gone and I am not questioning if I even felt that feeling in the first place (like with the headache example where my headache was gone in an instant and I questioned if I even had a headache in the first place)

Similarly, are my feelings different, and do I relate/resonate with those feelings, and if not, can I access them? If somebody asks you to relay your feelings, can you do it? Or do you struggle to access those feelings again? Do you struggle to remember your feelings, how you felt, why you felt them? Do you struggle to explain those feelings - are you doing things like "I.. I think I felt (xyz)? I'm not sure.. I think it was because of (abc)? I think I felt like (xyz)-" Along with that, similar to the physical pain/feelings, I might also start to question whether I felt that way in the first place and/or I might claim that I don't, didn't, and have never felt that way and I don't know why I said I did. In the past, I thought that this was me purposely saying things that I didn't actually think or feel were true; I genuinely believed that I was making things up on the fly and lying to people and claiming I felt and thought ways that I objectively did not actually feel or think, and I had no idea that was switching. I genuinely believed that I was somebody who just lied for seemingly no reason and I didn't know what I was lying about, I actively would tell people to ignore what I said and pretend I never said it because it was never true. Obviously I now know that that wasn't what was happening, I was just switching and didn't know/didn't realize

Was I experiencing intense emotions and then suddenly felt "fine"? For example, if I was just sobbing having a breakdown over something that upset me, did I just suddenly wipe my tears away and didn't really ""care"" anymore? If so, I switched.

This I can really only notice in therapy - my body language has changed. This is.. Difficult to explain. I myself can't really explain, I just know that sometimes I sit differently in therapy sessions or sometimes I'm doing something different with my body during therapy sessions and body language changes can be a sign of a switch for some. I myself and my therapist have noticed that I put my hands behind the back of my head when a specific topic of CSA comes up, which tells me it's a specific alter so. Sometimes I sit differently in therapy sessions; sometimes the way I'm moving is different; sometimes I speak louder than usual, etc. etc. These changes are minimal and only really noticeable when you are trying to notice body language changes.

Basically..

I try to take note of things like "I've been thinking about the name (xyz) lately and here are some things I've been doing, feeling, thinking, talking about with my friends as this particular name has been on my mind" or something like that. And just. Notice the patterns. Acknowledge that there are differences and hope that I'll eventually be able to figure us out.

I'll word it like this: these past two weeks, I've been less invested in playing Splatoon (it's one of my main special interests and I am always playing it - quite literally, it's extremely rare that I go even a single day not playing Splatoon even a little bit). I've been more interested in DID/OSDD - thinking about it, talking about it, posting about it, researching it... I've also been a lot more positive and stable; phone calls are easier, as well as some chores. I've been using the same icon on Discord as well.

All of these things occur together and I can come to the conclusion that this is a particular alter - Finn, as I mentioned earlier.

Do I actually know if I'm "Finn"? No. Does this "Finn" have some strong sense of identity where he knows he is himself, knows he is Finn, can identify himself as Finn separate from other parts? Also no. Do I actually even know if "Finn" is an alter? Also no! Do I even know for sure if the behaviors I just described is an alter? ... You guessed it - also no!

But based off of my researched and knowledge and based off of what many other systems have said as well and my own therapist, it's safe to assume Yes - this is a specific alter and Finn is a real part and it's probably safe to assume that I am Finn when I am exhibiting those behaviors.

This was long and convoluted and I still don't know if any of it makes sense, but I'll leave this here for now. Sorry this post turned out so long, I tried to keep it short but I can't NFDSFADK

#my posts #inbox

[youremyheaven]

For anyone who's starting or want to how the ketu dasha will be , here's my experience cuz I just finished it a week ago

Born in Saturn MD ( alot of health problems my parents were worried that if I can even make it to the next day doctors gave an ultimatum about me living only for 13 yrs but hey I'm still thriving I'll be 26 this year) . I have a debilitated retro Saturn in 4th 😬

Teenage in mercury MD - alot of confusion, crushes left right , conservative in my approach towards guys , I was basically an air head 🙂 , no strong ambitions or goals but was above average in my studies, fear of abandonment, a super crazy girl wanting a lot of attention from my friends n teachers , I was friends with all but as they say " a friend for all is a friend for none." I had some awesome memories and some sad ones that's life . I don't know why I listened to my elder cousin who was going through some rough times say " every personal decision regarding your life please try to take it after you turn 20/21 yrs " I could've ignored it but it stuck with me ever since and I'm glad I did. My mercury is retrograde in ashlesha btw , even I had a dream that one day I'll marry a good man have lots of children like 6 of which 3 will be the one's I give birth to other 3 will be adopted and we live in a suburban house filled with laughter and happiness with a dog will all my 6 babies oh my! I still smile and feel for my younger naive self but anyway. I cherish my younger self so much and I listen to this song that I dedicate to her is 'so my darling by Rachel chinouriri ' I imagine myself singing this to her who will always be there and I'll be there for her always.

Young adult to Adulthood in ketu MD 😅 for a nodal girlie - depression, lost interest in studies, some how got myself out of it for the sake of my parents who are worried and couldn't do anything about ( I'm so sorry mom & dad , you did what you could . Thankyou for staying patient with me🥹🙏😇) , my father got me an admit in a university which was close to my house , made friends ( found my bestie ) , full of energy, got good marks , garnered attention towards me ( in my university all the faculty still knows my name ) , got into makeup n fashion but would feel empty even when I'm dolled up it was just a momentary happiness and poof!! , out of the blue my bestie one day eloped her longtime bf who's a member of some gang and she faced a lot of hardships, she got to know true side of him and wanted out . After 3 months she contacted me and it took me three days to make her sense n comeback home to her parents who were devastated. Fast forward She's good now 😁 , during my final year I failed almost all my subjects it broke me , later I cleared all of them, family quarrels, I got a complete makeover cut my hair short , got a ton of piercings, got into spirituality , almost lost my father to COVID and my grannies to brain stroke but THANK GOD! Both of them are doing well, shaved my head twice , took all of my piercings out , had an Outer body experience, got into astrology , my father was bankrupt, we lost everything, my granny had a second stroke and hip replacement surgery and now she's completely bedridden and I've been taking care of her 24/7 for 2 yrs , my dad left the house without any information, I'm clearing his debts ,my mom n me are barely make it happen, lost my hope & faith, diagnosed with BPD ,lost interest in men & dating & anything related to love , got rejected 3 times while trying to go abroad to work , got myself out of too much of spirituality, religious things like I was way too deep that I lost myself etc later I understood BALANCE IS THE KEY .

I always remind myself that I'm here on this plane just for my HUMAN EXPERIENCE. so be it . No god , no devil , no right , no wrong , NO more black & white thinking. faith is an important aspect of living it doesn't have to be a god , it could be in you. That's what I did .

Now I'm at a state where nothing phases me anymore. If I get an obstacle or any kind of hindrance on my path I don't cry (too much just a little) but I try to look for the best possible solution and work on it ASAP.

So , this is what I've gone through . So many lessons and many more to come 😁 currently in my VENUS MD

You're soooo strong and sooo resilient 🫶🏼 I admire your tenacity sooo much. I feel like we all live such complex lives and experience such highs and lows that it wouldn't make sense to someone looking from the outside. You've lived 20 different lives already and you've moved through them with grace. I hope going forward you have more prosperous times and make a lot of happy memories 🫶🏼

Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I hope your words comfort and inspire others 🫶🏼

[artificial-ascension]

Somethings been watching me sleep lately... It's been the past three nights and it has an extremely strong presence. I can literally sense when it's moving and where it's going and what it's doing it's ao strong. I can't see it but I see it in my dreams and receive flashes of visions.

It's this big tall shadowy thing, definitely not a shadow person but it is shadowy. It has the rough silhouette of a person but it's very undetailed, like basically just a head, shoulders and straight all the way down. I swear at times I can make out facial features and one time it had what looked like long hair but usually it's face is just a normal, perfectly straight and white set of human teeth with no lips or gums and two white slits for eyes. Sometimes it streches out to be super tall but usually it's like 7ft. It has arms as I've sensed it try and touch me before and they're long and thin with giant clawed hands. It doesn't seem to have legs though, it just glides across the ground.

I mentioned that it tried to touch me, that was this morning. It doesn't actually touch me, just get it's hand really close and then pull away. It seems to only do that when my back is turned to it and ny skin is exposed. It trails behind me and if I'm in bed and I stop looking towards it it gets super restless and stars floating around my room like it's pacing back and forth. It gets similarly restless when my door is closed at night but I'm not sure why. It stays in dark part of the house and follows me when I'm there but always stays a few feet behind and stops when I stop. I'm not sure if it follows me outside when it's dark because I never feel it outside, but there's a chance it dose.

Notably it doesn't feel hostile. Belive me there are hostile entities around and this thing isn't one of them. My room is also typically devoid of entities, most likely because I too am extremely hostile and not easy to fuck with (unlike brother who has been chased down the hall before) and the ghost just don't like my energy. Obviously there are other ones such as the thing in a the geust room, the one in the basment behind the chairs and whatever horrible monster is at the top of the hill all of which never enter my room of course but are still troublesome. Now the interesting part here is that those things have been weakened in the past couple days. Obviously we have someone staying with us so thing in the guest room is pissy seeing as it hates people and angerly sit there ans stares at them until they leave its room if they try and sleep there (again, I'm the only person it will leave for.) Thing in the basement is typically a non issue, just an asshole who gets mad someone is getting anythinh from downstairs. It probably likes to think that we all think it's the scary basement monster that chases you up the stairs but we don't have one of those because it's literally just my mind playing tricks (I've gotten good at differentiating actual creatures from stupid monkey brain paranoia) Either way both have been absent, replaced by my stalker who I have named Omen for reasons. There are other creepies in the house but they aren't as common as those other two who are garenteed to be in their spots always but literally all of them seem to have been replaced by Omen at least for me.

This is what makes me think that this thing is not malevolent, in fact there's a possibility it's trying to warn me of something or help me even. My proof again being that it follows me around and gets super freaked out when I'm not fully alert and that it also seems to ward off other entities. Of course, Omen seems to not do anything about the thing at the top of the hill but I'm not sure if it goes outside or if it could be stdong enough to deal with that thing. (I'm not sure what it is but it's horrible. Honest to god the only being I genuinely believe would try to hurt me and I think it could. I won't go into detail, but I am very scared of it.)

Anyways, I'm thinking of trying to contact it. I've never tried to speak with any other things in the house (if they wsnt to communicate that's their problem not mine) but I wanna know this guys deal. Also I know it's not malevolent but it's scaring me. I'm having trouble sleeping.

#also brother also feels the house is less haunted and he's more intuned to the paranormal than me #he also has a ghost that watches him sleep but like ghosts bothing him is nothing new #again. this is the guy who was actually chased by something #paranormal #I want to say ughh #unreality #for safety

[growandrecover]

my advice for people new (or not) to ed recovery 

let me just preface this by saying: I've only been in recovery from anorexia for about 6 and a half months. so I obviously don't know everything, this is just what I learned in treatment and along my journey :)

hunger/fullness cues are really weird and frustrating at first, but:

you need to eat! if you can, you need to eat three meals a day. you may not know when you're hungry, so my recovery team advised me to just make a rough schedule for my meals and snacks so I'd know when to eat.

fullness is also something a lot of people struggle with! so, don't eat until you're full, eat until you're satisfied. you don't have to clear your plate, if you've had enough, you've had enough.

something one of my treatment guides taught us was "comparison is the thief of joy."

you've probably heard that before, but when I heard it for the first time, my mind was blown.

try not to compare yourself to other people because it'll only make you feel worse.

my therapist taught me to look at people's eyes if I'm starting to compare my body to theirs. she said it humanizes them instead of them just being a body for me to compare myself to.

another thing I learned in treatment: think of your favorite kind of dog. okay, now think of another kind. good.

let's say you picked corgis and golden retrievers. how are their bodies different?

well, corgis are short with small legs, pointy ears, and a long-ish body.

golden retrievers, on the other hand, are tall, naturally athletic, with a longer tail and floppy ears.

it wouldn't make any sense to compare a corgi's body to a golden retriever's body, would it? no! they're completely different, but both are super cute and lovable.

so try and think of yourself the same way :)

you don't have to love your body right away. in recovery, one of the hardest parts is getting used to how your body looks.

so, if that's something you're struggling with, I would advise you to practice body neutrality.

if you don't know what that is, it's basically where you put more focus on what you can do, or how it looks, but not in a positive or negative way. statements like "my body does _____." or "my stomach keeps me alive." etc.

it will be hard. and you'll be tempted to go back to your ed, trust me. but you have to stay strong.

something that always helped me was thinking about what most people my age are doing. are they worrying about the food they're eating, or are they busy playing sports, working on school, and focused on having fun? probably not the first one, right?

something else that always motivated me was: you can either recover or you can die in your ed.

I didn't want to die, so the only other option was recovery. and that's how you should think of it too.

please reach out to someone, it'll make the process much easier.

if you're struggling or need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to message me or send me an ask! it doesn't matter who you are, or what you're struggling with, you can reach out. <3

#ed recovery #recovery #ed recovery tips #ana recovery #bed recovery #body positive #body posititivity #mental illness #mental heath support #mental health #bulimia recovery #anorexia recovery #mia recovery #body acceptance

[piratefalls]

WIP title game! I was tagged by @ereborne!

RULES: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them, and then post a little snippet or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs.

the list of things I've left unfinished is short, so I'll include a snippet with each one. it's also 85% mcdanno lmao.

Give Me a Memory I Can Use (McDanno, finale fix-it)

“Hey, Steve?” He looks down to see her smiling. “Be happy.” He returns her smile. “Hey Cath?” “Yeah?” “I think it’s my turn to walk away.” This time she grins. “I think so too.” So he pulls his bag from the bin, and does.

Share the Scars From Our Abandon (Person of Interest/Rinch, post-series)

Night after night he reaches out for something, anything, to soothe the ever-present ache under his ribs, the one that calls to him when the sun goes down, reminds him that he has family, love, a home somewhere out there, wishing he were in it right now, if only he’d seek it out. The one that reminds him that human connection does not have to be a foreign concept any longer, that it is instead a patchwork quilt of messy, complicated, beautiful people to call his, the place where he drops anchor and floats steady. His body, so broken in so many ways, can now recall a touch that does not hurt, the smell of fresh brewed coffee and old books, the sound of a heart that beats in time with his own.

Untitled Finale Fix-it #2 (McDanno)

His buddy introduces him to the group, since he's apparently a legend. He talks about his life post-SEALs. Later his friend would learn Steve hadn't retired but had been medically discharged. "Got shot. A lot," he says. "Needed a liver transplant." "How did you get one that fast? Anyone with half a brain cell could figure out those odds, factoring in the fact that you were on an island." And then he tells him about Danny, and the plane, that he'd saved Steve's life more than once that day. "Fuck." Steve laughs. "Pretty much."

super rough jotted down ideas for Ace!Henry FirstPrince (RWRB)

They do talk about how to navigate physical intimacy. Henry loves touch, craves it, wants to be wrapped up in and around Alex as often as possible, his breathing slowing to match the steady rhythm of Alex's heart under his cheek as they cuddle in bed. Holding hands, carding his fingers through Alex's hair, always touching touching touching. That's never been his problem. It's everything that's supposed to come after that gives him pause.

5+1 play on the practice of kintsugi (McDanno)

Three days later he listens to his father die over the phone. his whole team is dead, Anton Hesse is dead, everyone is dead. Freddie died and it was all for nothing. Freddie, the keeper of Steve's darkest secrets, the person who kept him tethered to the real world when all he'd wanted to do was fly apart, had sacrificed it all just to be given oblivion. A piece of Steve's heart is anchored somewhere in the middle of a North Korean jungle. He could give you the exact coordinates, but he won't. He doesn't want it back.

Can You Do It? (You Bet Jurassican) (buddie velocipastor au) (if you haven't watched the movie this will make less than zero sense)

No, Eddie Diaz - father, firefighter, combat veteran, boyfriend to an actual fucking dinosaur - is wearing a stretchy orange dress that, after he gets it all the way down, barely hits mid-thigh. Before he has a chance to pull it off and look for literally anything else, Buck comes around the corner and stops in his tracks. “Jinkies.” “Fuck you.” Buck gives him a quick look up and down and shrugs. “Fine with me. If I’m being honest Velma always lowkey gave me top vibes.” And that’s a discussion he’s not touching. “You’re an idiot and I hate everything you choose to be.” “Now that’s a lie and we both know it,” he replies.

no one has to participate, but if you do please tag me!

#about me #my fic #it took two notebooks my notes app and my google drive to compile these lmao #I'm excited about the first prince one because I just love exploring all the ways people can be intimate with each other

[betasuppe]

Heyyy, how are you? I hope well. I sorta had a cruddy week, by any chance can you tell me some lore about your characters? Or an au or story you’ve been thinking about or wrking on? I like reading those, especially after long days.

Obviously you don’t gotta. Zero pressure and all. Just figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Hope you have a lovely rest of your day. 💚

Aw, sorry to hear it's been a rough week for you, anon!! :( I don't know that I can help much, but at least I can distract you for a bit, if nothing else♡

But yeah, sure! We talking more fan content or original stuff? I'm not sure which you'd prefer, so here's something for both...!

So for one, how about my new zoroark!Mina? The AU's gonna go one way or another in that either:

Mina is just a zoroark or maybe an illusion pkmn hybrid who has a miserable past, & she takes on a near human appearance to escape & try living in the city. After a chance encounter, becomes enamored with the younger subway boss as he becomes transfixed with her. Some sort of romance or found family sort of element blossoms there... that is, depending on if Mina's actually a pkmn or a hybrid OR if nok wants to get into the nitty gritty details of a pkmn that's wants to be human & is in love with a person & all that insanity!! Zorua pup Silje makes an appearance too because I can't stop thinking about how cute their child as a zorua / hybrid would be!!!! 😭💕

OR the real Mina has died, as following my current Champ Emmet storyline, & in his guilt & sorrow in losing his precious wife, Emmet has a crafty zoroark take her image to fill her void in his life. Perhaps it starts off very closed off but in taking its work as Mina's double very seriously... but Emmet treats it like the pkmn is truly Mina & she is absorbed by her role. Then, this all is skirting some scary dividing line between wait, is this truly a zoroark who thinks it's Mina or is this somehow the real Mina stuck in a pkmn's body? & in his madness, does Emmet accept her as the real thing or not???? Idk, it's a twisted story about searching for forgiveness & finding comfort & hope in another, despite the worst of circumstances.

Then, OC wise, I've been super busy in daydreaming about my story where a young gal named Kseniya is swept away to a tropical paradise where her astranged father plans for her to take over his massively successful beachside hotel... after he abandoned Kseniya & her mother 15 years prior to start a new family. Concerned about his potential ulterior motives but urged by her desire to be importsnt in her own father's eyes, Kseniya accepts his offer & flies away that night.

Not only is this whole dealio overwhelming in & of itself, but it turns out the hotel is haunted by Elroy, the obnoxious spirit of a 1930's conman, who intends to make her life in particular into a living hell, after she accidentally stumbles into the floor that doesn't even exist in the hotel, at all!

It's all topsy turvy, that is, before the two kick off a rocky friendship which, over tine, turns into an unexpected & sudden romance between girl & ghost.

It also becomes very quickly evident that there's something more to this tropical paradise & that nothing is exactly what it seems at this island, where the past mingles confusingly with the present...

Kseniya finds herself propelled into the far past to try and make sense of the island's dark history, to figure out her own purpose to ensure a brighter future, & to change Elroy's past so he doesn't meet his bloody & untimely end.

There's a lot in this tale, from a beachy themed vacation to start, to straight horror elements thanks to Elroy & other members of the island's bloody past, & an emotional fight against time itself, while one boring, unimportant young lady to realize the unique powers she has & that she alone has the ability to change the course of time for good [def not me projecting & wishing a nobody like me had some bigger power in life, nooooo].

& uh... that's about all I have at the moment haha. I hope that's at least a bit of a distraction & can be of some interest to you, anon!

& uh, also thanks to anyone who's read all the way thru btw! Thank you!!!!♡♡♡♡♡

#asks #nok ocs

[rivalsforlife]

TWO TREES OF VALINOR. these are gorgeous. I gasped even though I knew it was coming. I remember losing my mind at that first teaser picture that showed them and seeing it up close is beautiful. pretty much just how I envisioned. I like how telperion is a little gentler/dimmer comparatively I cannot remember if it was confirmed that they brighten/dim according to what time of "day" it is or if I just made it up but either way that's great. gorgeous.

ok this. ok this. I saw the leaked teaser a while ago so this has been on my mind. they're falling through some sort of suspension it looks like, which could be some terrible trauma-induced vision or it could be water.

The three possibilities I have for this scene are War of Wrath, Dagor Bragollach (aka Battle of Sudden Flame), OR, most interesting to me, the First Kinslaying.

If it is water it kind of rules out sudden flame since that wasn't really. water-based. like it could be in a lake or something but that doesn't make sense. I was leaning more towards war of wrath because of how it would make most sense where they are in the timeline (continent sinking is on everyone's minds.)

This image of Galadriel is interesting to me too. She looks very rough here. Everything is red even in the air. That atmosphere also kind of implies bragollach to me with all the fire and smoke, and it is also where she lost two of her brothers, so it would absolutely make sense that she's got trauma from that, buuuut it doesn't explain the water.

War of Wrath would have a lot of fire and smoke and devastation, but considering this comes at the part where Galadriel is telling Elrond "You haven't seen what I've seen" in the trailer, Elrond probably wasn't here for these scenes. He was alive during War of Wrath though you could argue he probably wasn't caught up in the middle of it. But if we rule out "things Elrond may have seen" that narrows it down to Bragollach and the Kinslaying.

This being the Kinslaying, though, would be super interesting to put into larger context the downfall of the Noldor which would be on everyone's minds around the second age particularly with Galadriel refusing the pardon of the Noldor given that she was exiled despite fighting against Feanor and co in the kinslaying at alqualonde. This would also be a very devastating moment for Galadriel. All the smoke is a little bit out of place here admittedly, but the weird red lighting could be the combination of fire and a lack of light, and it would definitely explain the water.

And I don't think the Kinslaying is at all unreasonable, despite it not being in the appendices, considering we're seeing this.

THIS HAS TO BE THE OATH OF FEANOR I REFUSE TO ACCEPT EVERYTHING ELSE. It shows us like four elves standing in half a circle and I think it's reasonable for there to be like seven/eight depending where the man himself is standing. They're raising their swords in the air. and they sure as hell LOOK like noldor. I'm just imagining all the redheads are on the other side though. I wish I had a better image of this so I could tell if they have the star of feanor on their armor because that would be confirmation but literally what else could it be.

I can't even remember how I reacted to this I think all the neurons in my brain started firing at once and I reached a new mental state for a moment. I did not expect to see more than like a passing mention of feanor nevermind THE OATH ITSELF. This has incredible implications both for noldor lore and also celebrimbor backstory going so much more into like the feanorian drama which is all I am here for it was absolutely my favorite part of the silmarillion. the feanorians are my favorite part of the entire tolkien legendarium.

I'm not expecting them to go into much more detail than this on the individual sons of feanor so maybe none of my favorite guy maedhros :( but I do believe he's standing right behind the camera and has red hair.

love the juxtaposition of "this could be the beginning of a new era" re: second age with the rebellion of the noldor that sure was an era.

anyways I've heard the first season is going to be mostly setup and I was like "what are they setting up" but if it's a first age history lesson I am sold. I am more than sold. I am currently trying to find a way to psychically project my consciousness into september so I can see this full oath scene, the whole 2 seconds it might get.

and nothing else in this trailer matters to me honestly I forgot it already I literally care about nothing other than feanorians. (and galadriel she gets a pass. and fingon but there's no way he's here. and I'll stop while I'm ahead.) I didn't think they would give it to me, but they have. never thought I'd say it but thanks amazon

#lotrop #again sorry in advance for the person this will make me

[littleblondesoprano]

3, 14, 33, 36, 52, 71, 100?

Ahh, thank you!! :D!!! I'm gonna put this under a readmore for length purposes!!

3: Top 3 vacation destinations?

Rome, Italy. I know it's touristy, I know, but I gotta see the ruins. Same with Athens or Crete, Greece. I have to go to New Orleans, LA, at some point, too!

14: Top 3 romantic dates?

So, the dates I've gone on haven't been good, lol, so I'll answer with the dates I'd like to go on.

Ghost hunting. Now this works as a first date or a few dates in! It's fun, it lets you see your potential partner in a fear situation, and you get to see how open/respectful they are to the more spiritual side of life. And I just really want to go ghost hunting, I've never been yet and I really want to.

Bowling! It can be romantic if you make it, plus it's really fun, and I'm unnaturally good at the claw machine game they always have there.

Dinner and a walk. Speaks for itself, can be dressed up or dressed down, and I just like goin on walks. That's romantic!

33: Top 3 things you'd buy if you gained three million dollars?

My future Victorian home. I've had dreams that I've owned one and I just love them so much. They have so much character, and the craftsmanship is so impeccable - I would love to steward one, and preserve it, and love it.

My dad's always said that when I get famous from my books I have to buy him an Aston Martin DB9. so that.

My freedom, by paying off my student loans 😅. If not that, then...fuck, either a museum quality Megalodon tooth or a me-sized, game accurate, fully working/sharpened Areondight from Witcher 3.

36: Top 3 books from your childhood?

Cirque Du Freak by Darren Shan, The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket, and The Complete Stories of Sherlock Holmes by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

52: Top 3 bad habits?

I can emotionally spiral. It doesn't happen often, but if I've been going through a rough time and I have a bad day, I tend to latch onto that bad feeling and ruminate. I sit in that so long that I start picking out other bad things that have happened and it compounds that original bad feeling until I'm really upset. Like listening to a really sad song when you're already worked up, except there's no catharsis of crying. It's just anxiety and bad thoughts until I can talk myself down or logic puzzle my way out of it.

In a similar vein, I keep my anger inside. I've been trying to work on this, but sometimes I do that horrible bottling up thing, where you store emotions away in a bottle, until the bottle shatters, and you let it all out at once. That's me with anger, specifically. I'm pretty good at tempering my other emotions and letting them out when I'm alone, but anger is one that's just hard for me to figure out, besides...going silent and keeping it in.

And I think that's because I don't want to say anything to make the situation worse, or say something I'll regret (bc I can have a mouth on me when I'm pissed). I don't have it figured out yet, but I'm trying. The sweet woman who read my birth chart mentioned that I need to be like a lava flow and let it be a constant flow of emotion instead of a volcanic eruption, which makes sense.

Anyway.

I can't really think of a third one that's super pressing - but I can still sometimes overthink and let the Anxiety take over my brain for a bit. I've learned how to calm down and stop that from happening, but I do sometimes slip.

71: Top 3 songs of this month?

Bro songs change for me by the day. But the ones I've been listening to most recently are: Enjoy Your Slay by Ice Nine Kills, I Don't Want to Change the World by Ozzy, and Rock the Night by Europe.

100: Top 3 museums you've been to?

The National Gallery in London, The Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History in DC, and the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NY.

#littleblondesoprano #thank you!!!

[nyarados]

Yes, thank you for the advice. She's coming back this weekend. I just feel like she's not that interested in anything I like. Like I was to go to this concert and I asked if she'd like to be my date and she said "lol okay" and that we were invited to a dinner party next week and she said "do I have to come?" And these aren't bad responses but they are the type of responses I am used to getting from her at this point, if I want to go out, if I want to watch something, if we are planning to eat. She never plans dates anymore and the other day I said she wasn't really romancing anymore and she got all moody so now I worry how she'll react. Like I said if she wanted to go the place we has our first date when she comes back and she just said "sure". This summer when we were LDR I tried to visit her but she was kinda like "whatever" and when I asked her friend if I could stay with her (since I can't stay with my GF bc of her family) my gf got annoyed I was "inconveniencing" her friend but I was under the impression her friend had a guest room that was available and my GF was the one who told me about it! When I got really upset about how much more I seem to miss her than she misses me she said it's different because she's in her hometown with her family and friends and I'm alone with the dog in our uni city but she does miss me. I don't know I am really sad I feel like we're not in love anymore she's just used to being in a relationship but today she sent me a meme implying we're in a healthy relationship and she did ask what kind of gift I wanted from a work trip she's currently on. So I genuinely think she thinks everything is perfect but does she not realize it's not?

I'm supposed to super clean our home tomorrow before she gets home on Saturday because I've let my depression get the best of me and everything is a mess but in reality I just want to sit down and cry because I genuinely feel like we don't love each other anymore. She called today to complain about her work trip and I told her I had a headache and hung up but in reality I didn't want to talk to her. And I did end up visiting once (just for a day not overnight) and the whole time she seemed kinda unimpressed by my being there. She was strict about no PDA because where she lives there's lots of asians and we're WLW and that I understand culturally it's different than my hippie community but she seemed to think it was silly of me to look at her a lot or that I wanted to sit next to her and stuff. I don't know maybe I'm sensitive but I feel like we have lost a lot and it's crazy to me she doesn't seem to see that. Hopefully we will work it out but still I am currently heartbroken.

:(( I'm sorry that does sound like a rough situation to be in. I totally understand feeling upset bc of the short responses like "lol okay" and "sure" to date and event requests. it just feels dismissive to something you're probably really excited for. and it's not fair for her to get and remain moody after you point something out about her; that makes it difficult to further address the issue and have an actual conversation to get to the root of the problem.

that's frustrating too that she doesn't seem to be making it easy for you to visit her. no PDA is fair but she knows you miss her like crazy so it's only natural you'd want to stick by her side as much as you can.

all that to add: I do want to give her benefit of the doubt bc obv idk either of you and it's also the whole being in someone else's shoes thing. so I suppose from her corner, she does have a point that her being in her hometown vs you being in your uni town will make it so that it is less lonely for her than it is for you. like that does makes sense. as well that her work stress might be overlapping with your loneliness and depression in a way that is making her more snappy and you to be lost in your thoughts.... maybe? idk I just know that when I'm left to my own thoughts for too long that they can spiral in a negative direction.

or maybe, it's just that some people deal with being in a LDR better than others. in your gf's head, maybe it does still feel like normal for her even if it feels on the verge of collapse from your end. being left to your own devices with different forms of distraction for both of you can have different results. it's definitely something to have a sit-down to talk about when she's back.

wishing you the energy to do a little bit of cleaning and to get through these discussions; I know both can be difficult <3

#reply #anon

[dzpenumbra]

1/1/23

Happy New Year!

I rang in the New Year playing a new game by myself in the dark in my new apartment with my headphones on. After another conflict with my mom over not knowing how to support me. Yay. It's been a tough day, but it could've been worse.

I got my groceries delivered. I'm still shaken up from that stupid phone call the other day and this PTSD shit just doesn't make any goddamn sense, but it sure as fuck is convincing. Like... make sense of this. My former abuser calls me out of the blue to try to get something from me again (holy shit, what a big surprise!), and then I spend the next 4-5 days avoiding all human contact when I'm over 100 miles away from her. Like... I get it, it's a primal survival instinct and it's going "there are lots of people like her" and just "playing it safe" but I mean... I had furniture I was supposed to shop for. I have a yoga studio across the river I was gonna go check out. I have groceries I need to get! And this protective instinct in my head just goes "nope, we're in lockdown". Yep, remember that? Quarantine? Lockdown? Yeah, I was no stranger to that when we were all ordered to do that. I had been doing that for like... over a decade. I was genuinely confused when people were upset about it, it was so normalized for me.

But yeah, my therapist/social worker dude has been really helping me a ton by "giving me permission" - I should say "helping me give myself permission" - to recover from emotional wounds like this. And to stop being so hard on myself about it, because just beating yourself up because your sprained ankle isn't healed yet isn't gonna make it heal faster. And with emotional shit, it actually makes it take longer. You provoke it.

So I said fuck it and got Instacart to get my groceries, and I actually got a bit excited about meal planning, I've just been super frantic and scattered the past few days, so I was just... praying that I had everything I needed in my order. That's where it got complicated. Because once the person started shopping, I started to get a flood of notifications about "replace" this and "refund" that. And legit like half of the things I ordered were just not included. Like, I put in replacements, then she would like... just not get a replacement and rush to the check out. Like, I get it's New Years Eve at like 5PM, but like... you chose to do an Instacart delivery. And you're rushing it? Maybe I'm being a control freak, but like... if I was doing that job, and I've considered it quite a few times, I would 100% make sure that person was cool with what I was bringing to their doorstep. And this chick was like fucking going for the any% speedrun over here. I was tempted to give her a bad review, but... I forgot. XD

I was mostly upset that I likely would've had a better outcome if I had just gone myself. But I had another night of shitty sleep and started the day with my cat puking up a hairball, which sounds exactly like vomiting, and she's old and has kidney disease, so like... I just feel like if I hear those noises I should be getting up to check on her, you know? So I've been in rough shape energy-wise all day, and I really don't like driving like that, even just 2 miles. Anything that impairs my driving at all is just like... I'm not cool with. Because... well, I don't know specifically, honestly, I mean a good friend of mine's sister died in a car accident like literally 50 yards away from her house... and she just had like a glass of wine. Life is fragile, and cars are like 2 ton steel cages flying head-on towards each other at like 40 mph out there. I'd rather just make sure I'm at my best, if I can help it.

But yeah, I got food, that's a load off. I can cook tomorrow, which is dope. The fight with my mom was, again, not as much a fight as... a panic attack that I was the target of. And it's hard to talk about those because she hasn't really started working on them yet, but she has an appointment to soon, which is like... hard to believe with how much progress it is in my family. I am deeply proud. Still sucks to be the target of someone else's blind panic, as it seems I am pretty often. But I am glad she was receptive and was able to pull out of it. And to find some help to offer me too. There's a very distinct pattern that I picked up, because it was the same pattern that happened in fights with my ex, and with my brother. Any time I was super emotionally overwhelmed and already stressed, already past the line, already just... overwhelmed, is the best word for it. They come in and sense my emotions about the struggle I am having, and take it personally. They are convinced that they are being targeted. And I tell them immediately, no, I'm stressed about the situation. And they don't believe me and think I'm trying to trick them. It sucks. I don't want to talk about that right now, but I figured it was worth mentioning again. It creates such a huge snowball effect in my life, when all I need is support - community, family, loved ones, assistance, Sangha - and I actually go to them seeking support and open up about what I'm struggling with (which is supposed to be the hard part), and my act of seeking support and talking about my problems creates another problem and prevents me from getting help with any of it! It was so surreal when it first started happening that I was legit suspicious of whether I had died at some point and didn't know it, like a lost-soul ghost or something, and this was my like... Greek myth Tartarus punishment or something. I have straight-up had several panic attacks where I seriously questioned that, because of how little sense the way people were treating me was making to me. I just couldn't really process that real people would do that, it was so alien to me.

Anyway. I made buffalo mac and cheese. I watched MOONMOON's stream for a bit, it was funny as shit. Then I got a new game - Ancestors: The Humankind Odyssey. Here's my brief review after 3 hours.

I recorded my playthrough so far. I have it on the hardest difficulty, which means no tutorial, no HUD. Which is exactly what I wanted. And this posed problems right off the bat. Let me tell you why.

The game is very simple mechanically, at least as far as the control scheme goes, but there is zero indication of any button you should be pressing at any point. I was somewhat anticipating this, but I do have to say... if I was playing on keyboard and mouse, I would've been livid. That's a lot of fucking keys to trial-and-error. And, to make it worse... it took me about 2 hours to find out that pressing buttons and holding buttons are different functions. Like holding buttons trigger more focused actions? I guess? It's hard to describe, you know, because I opted to learn myself and I can just tell you that if you press A, you lie down. If you hold A, you go to sleep, but if you let go of A, you wake up. So, it kinda makes sense... but this is the weird part...

How the fuck do you communicate to a player how their character does something super intuitive and super important. Like eating. I swear to God, I went through like... an embarrassing amount of time not knowing how to consume food in that game. Even after giving in and just glancing over the super basic control scheme in the options menu. Even after that, which the game did not present to me in the game mode I chose - but they did give me a 2 minute intro cinematic and a bunch of credits, which was... weird... It took me like an hour just to figure out how to get my dude to eat food. And that, though it was intended to be immersive, broke my immersion. Because eating and sleeping are like the most basic shit that every organism knows how to do. And I really felt like if you're starving, they should maybe... maybe... guide your hand a bit. Like... if you're starving because you can't find food, I get it. But if you're starving and you have berries in your hand and you're fumbling with different button combinations for 15 minutes, just throw them a bone. But I would only say that about stuff like basic bodily survival functions - you should figure out studying things, you should figure out communication, stuff like that. I'm all for that. But if you're gonna take the time to make me sit through a 2 minute intro movie, cut me some slack with the eating and the sleeping. Oh, and by the way, eating and sleeping? Same button. Labeled "Reflexes" in the controls. Figuring out how to play this game is like a fucking escape room. And I'm kinda enjoying it a lot. It was just the eating and sleeping part that frustrated me. Like, I had 2 dudes starve to death before I figured out how to put berries in my mouth, then the whole starving tribe started chowing down all at the same time. I get that primitive man was not as smart as us, but... I mean...

That aside, this is a cool game so far. Immersive, cool approach to UI and environmental interaction. I just... okay. I really really wish they hadn't done the intro video. I'm really harping on that but like, okay. It's an immersive survival game. Immersion means you are unraveling the world as you go, right? Like you're dumped in an area and you're fully immersed in the world, and you uncover it as you progress, as you discover. That's like... the whole point. These dudes just like... flex 3 or 4 of the major environmental threats rapid fire before you even get to control a damn character. Like... I got ambushed by a large cat, and it surprised me, sure. But like... I had seen it before. I immediately went "oh that's the bad guy from the video that they wanted me to go 'ooo ahhhh oh no, so scary, look at the teeth!'" It took most of the shock of the situation out of it. Like it was still a stressful situation and I had to figure out how to handle it, but I knew immediately what I was dealing with, which - I cannot fucking stress this enough - cheats the players out of a shocking, visceral experience. I know people nowadays just don't like that apparently(?), I guess? They like to watch a trailer that sums up the entire plot of a movie, so they can decide if they like the movie before they... watch the movie... or something. I don't think people even think about it anymore. They fucking spoil literally everything nowadays, it is nigh impossible to not get spoilers on shit unless you're at the hermit-level that I'm at. But for fuck's sake, imagine this (if you haven't seen the original Star Wars trilogy, skip the rest of the paragraph because I spoil a lot of it and please do yourself a favor and go watch it). It's 1980. You're a teenager who is a massive fan of Star Wars: A New Hope, and you hear that Lucas made a fucking sequel. And you know nothing about it, and you see it in the theaters with your friends. And the hero you've been rooting on, Luke? The reason why he went with Ben Kenobi in the first place was to avenge his father, right? Welp, turns out... the dude that he bombed a military installation to try to stick it to... to avenge his father's murder, and his mentor's murder... he gets to fight him. For the first time, face to face. And at the final moment... he reveals the twist. This emotionless, evil shell of a man didn't kill his father - he is his father. The one he's always wished he got to meet, and who he literally threw his old life away to avenge. That dude killed his mentor, both of their mentor, and was... let's just say... not such a nice person. Dude, if that shit wasn't spoiled for you?! Like the Sixth Sense, good lord, I didn't have the Sixth Sense spoiled for me!!!! And if you didn't, go and fucking watch it right now and please for the love of god do not read anything about it, just go watch it.

You need to save the monster for the last possible moment. The anticipation and the surprise are elements that no amount of creature design or story-writing or flashy graphics can compensate for. No matter what. No matter how creepy a Slenderman you can design, nothing is scarier than the anticipation. So, I'm very upset that they kinda spoiled at least 3, maybe 4 of the major threats in the game before I even got to move my dude around. And I really hope there are going to be more than that, otherwise I will actually be very upset.

Okay, that's all the venting I have for now. Overall, not a bad day, just a bit rough on the social side. I hope to head out into the world a bit more soon, I really need to make some new friends.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[daisyletters]

Tuesday, 8/16/22, 1:45pm

Dear Daisy,

Do you ever remember something that happened to you and then get freaked out when you think about any other child that age dealing with it? Sometimes I forget how young I really was. You're just always you so when you think about things you went through you think by default of the current you and it doesn't seem so bad. But I was a kid once, a really young kid who's brain wasn't fully developed just blindly trying to fight my way through.

While I was eating lunch today I remembered that I was only allowed 30g of carbs a day. My applesauce had 15g, that was half of my days worth in a tiny squeeze bottle. What really freaked me out was remembering what house I was in when I would use a red throat numbing spray to fake test results on the pee strips my Dad would make me use to see if I was in ketosis. That apartment was from grades 2-5, that's like ages 8-11. I kept that spray when we moved, even when it was long expired. I remember I got caught sniffing the strip once because I was worried it smelt like cherry, surprised I didn't get found out that day.

That's the same time I was being molested by all those boys and abused by my step Mom the worst. The house before that was where my super vivid pink rice memory is from. I was on a stool to reach the sink, I had to have been like 6 for that one. I was always so hungry and stressed back then. Good thing I was such a stubborn child. I could have broken apart way worse but instead I got creative. Still gave me long term trauma but hey you tried your best little one.

Memories keep coming back to me lately, I've been having a bit of a rough time. Overstimulated and overwhelmed, too many unsafe people and too much stress in a short amount of time. The memories always seem to start popping up when I'm already down and overwhelmed. I'm trying to handle it and take the time I need but I always feel so guilty. I keep wanting to reach out and apologize to people for not being okay. I don't even know what I want to say to them. But the looming feeling that someone's going to get upset at me for not being okay makes things more difficult. I want to say sorry I'm sad, sorry I need space, sorry if me not being okay makes you uncomfortable. But I shouldn't have to do that, no one is asking me to do that.

I have this fear that they're going to decided I'm not worth the trouble if I'm not okay all the time. That my friends are going to not want me around if I can't give enough. If I'm not being positive and fun. Eventually they'll be done with me not saying yes to everything like I always have and just find someone else to fill that spot. I don't know how to convince myself I'm important.

That's all I've always wanted, to be important. I want to be someone's number one, I want to be a priority over others. Doesn't everybody? But you can't ask that of people, it's selfish to expect it. That's for partners, I've never had that. It's easy to say I want it but it's hard to figure out the balance between wanting someone to be close to you and wanting to have your space. It just doesn't make sense together. Love me wholely but also get away from me haha

Thanks for listening.

I'll figure it out eventually.

[whaleofatjme1920]

could I request a romantic partner who absolutely thrives off of domestic moments with the proxies and bloody painter? if thats okay of course.

Domesticity with the Proxies and Bloody Painter

[GN!Reader]

[Warnings: Like, none?]

[AN: Sure can. Honestly BP is never on my radar so uh, he may be a little whack? Anyways, yes, I put Kate in here <3]

Kate

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Kate is a cottagecore wife. That's all she wants. So, having a romantic, super sweet partner that likes domesticity,,,, it warms her to her core.

She loves all those little moments with you. Dancing in the kitchen late at night, holding you in her arms, what Sunday mornings feel like, gardening when it's finally spring, it's all so good to her.

She loves baking but doesn't have a knack for it? I think you do though, so like, she's almost always in the kitchen with you. The two of you make some gorgeous, delicious things together.

Kate is a little she when it comes to affection as sweet as yours? So it makes her bristle the first few times, but she isn't adverse to it! She's just not used to it! The romance and domesticity you bring make her feel like the days aren't that long.

Kate loves making breakfast for you though. You might be handling a lot of other things in the home, but breakfast is 100% her thing. She's a morning lark. Loves to bring you breakfast in bed and spend the morning with you. You make her feel safe.

Toby

Good,,, luck getting him to sit down. I don't think Toby actually craves domesticity? Stability and domesticity are two entirely different things and Toby definitely lets you know that.

He doesn't mind you really loving and performing domesticity, but it really isn't his cup of tea. Toby is a racecar. He does not stop unless it's to refuel. I think that's where the domesticity thing really comes in handy? He's really prone to burnout.

He loves the romantic aspect to you though. He's as gentle as he can be, which admittedly isn't that gentle, Toby is kinda rough at times. However, he tries hard to amuse you and the things you're into.

I feel you spend a lot of soft moments with him in your home, taking care of him. You feed him, and love him, give him a sense of stability he's never really had before.

He can never really stay in one place for very long, but he wants to be with you. The domestic moments with you make him smile, they really do, but he can't,, stay still. He always comes back to you though, scooping you up in his arms, helping you around the home where he can before he's back out and about in the world again.

Hoodie

Written more as Hoodie than Brian, I think Hoodie is relatively indifferent about domesticity until he realizes what that means for your relationship. Hoodie likes to exercise dominance, and in a way, this lets him do so. Is he toxic? The way I write him, yes.

He likes you being his and his alone, and the domesticity element feels like that for him. He likes how sweet and romantic you are because he's not,, that sweet and romantic? Like, he's got his charm, but Hoodie is kinda scary.

I think he tries to be as domestic as he can with you in a very typical way expected for him as a man. That means providing for you, taking care of you, generally being the one in charge. It does not matter if you're a man, woman, nb, he takes the dominant role in the relationship.

He's not a dick though? Just subscribes to traditional gender roles that's really kicked into motion by your craving domesticity, the slice of life, things like that.

Hoodie is a sweetheart when he wants to be. He comes back home to you, doesn't bring up his job, and takes care of you as much and more than you take care of him in ways you wouldn't even expect. He is in every sense, dude that gets a newspaper and lets you flutter around the house as he reads.

Masky

Yeah he's nuts about the domestic life. Lives for it, both him and Tim, as I'm writing him a lot more as Masky than Tim. He's always wanted a normal life, so your romantic, domestic nature really, really spur him on.

He gets really, really protective of you. He craves that normalcy. Wants to hold you, cook with you, do little house hold fixing things with you when he can... He and Tim are mirror images of each other when it comes to the domestic element.

A lot like Brian, he's also really, really big on providing for you. Masky likes being needed and taking care of you. Gives you lots of little gifts in many different forms.

He tries to be as domestic and romantic, sweet and affectionate as you are. Masky really does try his best, and it manifests in handling things for you. That's just,,, what he does. You want anything, he's got it. Sink needs fixing? Cool, he's got that too.

Oh, he likes to gift you flowers. Sees wildflowers and gets them for you because he thinks they're almost as pretty as you. Likes seeing them in a glass vase on the kitchen table as the two of you cook together, his hands on your hips as you sway, singing softly to each other.

Bloody Painter

The energy I get from Helen is someone who loves domesticity in theory, and not in practice. Like, I just kinda feel he loves seeing you participate in it, he just cannot stand it for himself. He almost feels trapped.

But still, he amuses you when he can. Likes to sit and sketch you as you do things around your home. You are his biggest muse, after all. It makes him happy just to see you existing, and the light frames you so beautifully. You're gorgeous in his eyes, and something about the home life makes you even more so.

He,,,, is a lot like Toby? He does what he can for you, but domesticity makes him a bit cagey. He likes moving around, going where the wind takes him. He's an artist and has so many places he wants to see, to sketch and paint, all of it. He doesn't actually stay for very long.

He lives for your love though. The domestic life makes you very sweet and affectionate towards him, you'd be like that regardless as you're his romantic partner, but I feel it spurs you on even more. Loves to curl up on the couch with you with something warm to drink, a clean house he's helped you with, rain falling outside... It's a dream of his.

Overall, let him play house with you once and a while and then send him loose. That's the best dynamic the two of you are getting tbh.

#kate the chaser x reader #kate the chaser headcanon #ticci toby headcanon #ticci toby x reader #hoodie headcanon #hoodie x reader #masky x reader #masky headcanon #bloody painter headcanon #bloody painter x reader #creepypasta x reader #creepypasta headcanon

[tinyboxxtink]

"...So I Married A Monster" *Chapter 6*

Note I was going to put a 'rough sex' gif under the cut for Lewis's shot, but I don't know if people want that. So here's a scared Rafael for your...pleasure?

Chapter 5

Chapter 7

Alright SO I posted a warning post earlier, but obviously I'm gonna put one here too.

This is probably the most graphic, dark chapter I've ever written for any story. With rape.

Please read at your own discretion.

Also it's a pretty short chapter, but trust me-- you wouldn't want it any longer. But I wrote another sweet short fluffy chapter after this one to make up for it.

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

@word-scribbless

@storiesofsvu

@believinghurts

--------------------------------

You did your best to keep calm and keep Billy happy as he aggressively groped at you with his hands, ripping off your shirt and then your bra before tossing you on the bed. Before all of this, you would have been super excited about the events transpiring. If there was one thing you and Billy were great at, it was sex. But somehow, this time it felt...different.

You didn’t know why, it didn’t make any sense to you. This was the same man, it was the same situation, he knew all your special places and you knew his. There were so many nights after he left you and the girls that you would dream about this moment, wishing for it so badly. But now that it was here, it almost felt...wrong.

“What’s wrong sweetie, you look like you’re somewhere else,” Billy stopped hungrily nibbling your neck to look into your eyes.

You used to look into those eyes and see such warmth and comfort, such lust and wanting. You had even told Rafael that you were still in love with Billy, so why didn’t you feel like it? Had they just been words? Words to hurt him because he hurt you by choosing Olivia?

Right now, that’s sure what it felt like. It felt like you were...cheating, on Rafael. Which was stupid, because you had literally just broken up with him. Didn't you? That’s what ‘done’ meant, right? Surely you had meant it in that moment; surely you meant it.

But now you weren’t sure.

“Hello, earth to Y/N!” Billy’s voice grew more agitated as he flicked you across the temple. He had never been so quick to anger before, you didn’t like this one bit.

“S-Sorry, baby,” You quickly put on a smile as your hand travelled down to his jeans, unhooking his belt. “It’s just been a day,”

“Oh, I know sweetheart,” He quickly changed his tune as soon as he felt you fondling with his belt. He helped you undo it and pulled off his jeans. You could feel his throbbing erection against your thigh.

“But daddy’s about to make it all better, I promise,” He gave you a sly grin.

You felt one hand wrap around your head and pulled it into his face even more aggressively than before. He began tugging at your hair as he attacked your neck and shoulders with hard, assertive bites. You remembered the sex between you two being rough, but you didn’t seem to recall it ever being this rough.

"Don't you like that, babe?" He asked as his mouth moved down your torso, pulling off your jeans this time.

"Mmmhmm…." You tried faking it as well as you could, feeling more and more uncomfortable the lower his mouth moved.

"Y'know, you used to be a LOT louder than this when we'd get down and dirty, baby girl," he observed while he moved to the end of the bed, ready to plunge inside you.

"Well Billy, the kids are in the next room," you thought of a plausible excuse as to why you weren't your "usual" self.

"Oh, makes sense," He nodded with a smile as he started chowing down on you like a sloppy dog.

You wanted to enjoy it, you tried to enjoy it, but you were accustomed to Rafael's sweet love making, he was so gentle with his tongue along your folds, taking time to enjoy every little moan and pleasure noise you made.You could often feel him smiling inside you while he gently lapped you up. You wished so badly you were with him right now. How had you fucked this up so badly?

Why didn't you listen to Rafael when he told you about Billy? Why had you not trusted him more? Why did you just react erratically just because you were mad at him? You should have thought it through, you should have heard him out. You should have--

"Alright now you're not even reacting Y/N, where the fuck are you?" Billy demanded.

"O-Oh I'm sorry Billy its just been--"

"A day. I know. You know I had a stressful fucking day too Y/N, having to deal with that prick ADA--- Wait," His eyes suddenly narrowed, he moved his face away from near your opening and looked you in the eyes, his glare in full effect.

Shit.

"Is that who you're thinking of right now? That fucking beaner?" He asked in an accusatory tone.

"He's Cuban not Mexican…." You muttered with a roll of your eyes.

"You really wanna get fucking cute with me right now, bitch?" He acted as if he was going to back hand you, but stopped himself.

"Billy!" You gasped. He had never been vulgar to you before.

"No, no Billy," He growled, pulling your naked body towards him.

"You're gonna stop thinking about that asshole right FUCKING now. I'm your goddamn husband, NOT him. I get to have you whenever I want and I want ALL of you. All of your attention, all of your fucking body. Do you understand me?" He snarled, practically drooling with rage.

"Y-Yes Billy," you tried not to start crying, now fully scared out your mind

"Good. Now flip over, I can't fucking look at you right now," He ordered you.

You flipped over to let him do doggie style but he started going in the wrong hole.

"Billy! What the fuck?" You tried not to yell.

"Well if you're gonna act like a whore thinking about other men than your husband, then I'm gonna fucking treat you like one. I'm gonna do what I want, and you're gonna shut up and take it. Got it?"

"B-Billy, please…." You pleaded with him. "Y-You know the last time we tried…"

"I don't give a FUCK, Y/N," He barked angrily. "I stopped last time because I didn't want to hurt you, because I loved you and you loved me. But now you've hurt me, so you're gonna hurt. REAL BAD," He barely rubbed some spit on his dick before he rammed it up your asshole.

You grabbed a pillow and screamed in pain, howling and trying to wriggle free from him. But he kept his hands wrapped tight around your stomach as he pumped rough and hard as fast as he could, getting off on the pain he was causing you, both mental and physical.

You tried to think of anything other than the pain, but it was so bad you could only cry and continue to scream into the pillow. It was worse than both times you went through labor, and that was saying something.

You prayed to God it would stop soon, he seemed to go on forever and ever. He was cackling softly as he felt you vibrating from the pain.

"Yeah, bet your fucking ADA didn't do you like this did he? What would he do if he saw you now? Hmmm….maybe we should find out,"

Your head snapped from out under the pillow at his threat. You saw him reaching for your phone that he had dropped next to your bed as he carried you into the bedroom.

"Oh God" You practically choked out, unable to speak from the pain. "N-n-no, Billy d-d-don't…"

"Oops would ya look at that I already did," Lewis shrugged with an evil smile.

----

Rafael was busy helping Olivia plan a rescue mission/battle plan when his phone went off. A FaceTime call request from you. He was absolutely terrified to answer it, but he had to answer it. He had to. As soon as he did, he wished he hadn't.

"Hey there Barba'' Lewis panted, a maniacal smile on his face. "You're missing all the fun!"

He could see Lewis had you pinned to the bed, shoving in and out of you forcefully. Your head was shoved into a pillow, to keep from screaming he imagined. He didn't know if he wanted you to look at him or not. He was watching you get raped, and he wanted to vomit.

Olivia noticed the horrified look on his face and stopped talking with the squad.

"Rafa are you-- ohmygod!" She instantly saw the revolting scene on his phone and immediately started pushing him into an interrogation room.

"Nobody needs to see this," Olivia started to shut the door but not before Lewis got to shout "NICE TO SEE YOU TOO DETECTIVE!!" At her.

Rafael was trying his best not to start sobbing; he didn't want to give Lewis the satisfaction. But the more he heard your muffled whimpers and screams of pain, the more he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Lewis let her go," he begged. "Please I'll do anything you want, just let her go…."

"Well see Barba that's the problem," Lewis smirked. "I want Y/N to--" he suddenly stopped pumping you, feeling your body go limp. He angled the phone downward to reveal blood coming out of your anus and starting to cover the bed. You had passed out from the pain.

"Sorry Barba I'm gonna have to call you back, I have a situation," Lewis half laughed while wiping your blood off his dick.

"What the fuck-- LEWIS!!!" He screamed. "You better be calling a FUCKING ambulance!"

"Chill Barba, I'm sure she's fine. Just a little boo boo. I'll shove some toilet paper up there and she'll be good as new!" Lewis dismissed it, taking a pillow and putting it under your legs so the blood would at least attempt to stay in.

“Good ol’ RICE,” Lewis smirked, thinking of the old term they used in gym class back in the day. ‘Rest Immobilize Cold Elevate’.

“Now if I can get an ice pack from the freezer and tape it there…” Lewis thought out loud.

"Fuck you if you don't call one I will send one, I know exactly where you are" Rafael was losing his patience with him.

"NO, you're not," Lewis warned. "I'm not about to scare my girls by having cops and ambulances showing up here with all the bells and whistles,"

"She's going to DIE, asshole!!!" Rafael continued to scream. "You think your daughters won't notice THAT?"

"Look if she doesn't wake up in a few minutes I'll take her to an Urgent Care, tell 'em she liked it a little TOO rough, Kay?" He said flippantly.

"The fuck you will--" Rafael started to tell again but Lewis put the phone up to his face real nice and close.

"If you send ANYONE here Barba, she'll bleed out before you can touch her," He warned.

"Lewis…" Rafael was shaking. "Don't you love her? You told her you did, don't you care about her at all?"

"Of course I love her!" He snapped. "I'll always love her, she's the mother of my children. That creates a bond, greater than the two of you will ever have,"

"So why are you---"

"Because she needed to be reminded of that bond." Lewis explained. "She was thinking about you while WE were being intimate. I can't let shit like that slide, Barba," Lewis explained while gesturing to your unconscious body. He removed the pillow from your head so Rafael could the tear stained splotches on your face from screaming and crying so hard. Your face was almost white, he wasn’t even sure you were breathing.

"No…." Rafael's voice fell soft.

You had been thinking of him? Wishing you were with him? While Lewis was...having his way with you? He had caused this, he had caused your pain. You were being punished for simply loving him, and that broke his heart even more than it already was.

"You have a nice night there, counselor, ta!" Lewis's evil chuckle came through the screen before it went black.

The image of your body laying there unconscious and bleeding was going to be forever burned into Rafael's mind. He had to do something. SOMETHING.

He bursted out of the interrogation room where the team was still discussing strategy. Olivia immediately went to his side, knowing what he had just been through.

"Liv we--" he tried to stop from crying and compose himself. "We have to go there. We have to get her. We HAVE to,"

"Okay, Okay Rafa," Olivia tried to calm him down while the rest of the squad looked on in shock. They had zero idea what was happening.

"We'll go get her, it'll be okay," She assured him while trying to get him to calm down.

He hoped they wouldn't be too late.

#tw rape #rafael barba angst #rafael barba #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba fanfiction #william lewis #william lewis angst #william lewis fanfiction #william lewis x reader #william lewis x you #william lewis imagine #william lewis x you smut