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icecreamkink · 3 years

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watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD.

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo, lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass, shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is, the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’, “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it.

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out!

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha.

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying*

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE, and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof

and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. )

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :(((((((((

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf

wwx: fucking w demonic energy jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch??

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no.

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go.

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. . . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg . spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . .

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like ? ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also so thrilling (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say)

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris.

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng. being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance.

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all??? amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD.

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future

one of the ?? things i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE.

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???”

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn.

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding.

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever

BAT WEN NING

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock”

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face.

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself!

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe.

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities. *longest oh boi ever*

#m.#ANYWAY #ENOUGH TALKING #THIS IS SO LONG #LOL #but whatever this is MY performative journaling i do what i want #rambling impressions abt what i watch is a thing i do now? apparently??#cql #untamed #the untamed #fun fact that chat is named 'k keeps on babbling abt the untamed' and it STILL wasnt enough #also it took me 15 episodes to realize lwj was yibo #IT WAS V SHOCKING #i did not recognize him at a l l #but in retrospect he WAS the perfect choice

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ethvn-torchio · 3 years

Text

april fools crack headcanons

I'll do all except yoda because fuck you, that's why

big sigh @stillmourningtonystark dared me to do this because I mistakenly said I never wrote a crack fic before. this will be extremely cursed and i’m warning you to turn back now, im literally putting a cut here so yall dont accidentally read this. I’m so genuinely sorry this post exists. April fools? oh and there’s a surprise guest/dishonorable mention at the end.

(bitch there isn’t even a gif for Dex or Sandwich clone I’m)

Dating Jar Jar would include...

try as he might, I personally believe Jar Jar is not a very good boyfriend, generally speaking.

however, if you watched the boring episodes of TCW like I did, you know he 100% tapped that queen. Yes, Jar Jar Binks fucked a queen. so... canon states Jar Jar fucks, so here we are. sigh, here we go

Jar Jar a mad player. Lowkey a flirt and don’t ask me how, but you fr fr fell for him.

what that long ass tounge do tho 👅😜

is actually a sex god, the stupid senator act is all phony. this man gets mad pussy

yall don’t really like the same foods, as Jar Jar tends to eat raw frogs, insects, and fish mostly (this man does not cook his food fr fr), but he’s happy to try anything from your culture that you make.

you lowkey think he’s a sith lord (if you somehow don’t know, just google darth jar jar)

jar jar tries, but generally your relationship is purely for the sex

Dating Dex Jettster would include...

(somehow, the idea of dating dex is more cursed than dating jar jar)

you met Dex while applying for a job at his diner.

though he’s a little gross looking, once you get over that you find he’s actually quite sweet.

a workaholic, so when you do see him it’s pretty special 😍

you had a lot of time with him when he committed insurance fraud and got his diner burned down (yall think i’m joking? I’m not) and that was great for your relationship

i don’t have much to say about dex, but he’s probably a better boyfriend than jar jar

just based on his general body size (in his scene in aotc he’s fucking giant compared to obi wan) he probably has a big dick, so yall got that goin for you as a couple

100% a top

Dating Sandwich Clone would include...

sandwich clone is arguably the best person to date here. Like, he’s as close to a normal pick as you can get on this list.

Loves sandwiches and bread in general (omfg i miss breaddd, this bitch has no idea how lucky he is to eat space-gluten), will wake you up to say that he made you french toast or something.

he probably attracts a lot of attention at 79′s, because he’s so swag pussy magnet over here

Like most of the the clones, straight up, he’s just good boyfriend material.

Clearly he’s pretty selfless considering he threw his beloved sandwich at Cad Bane, so yknow, he’s a brave boi :)

You sometimes think he loved sandwiches more than you ngl

sigh...

Dating P*ng Kr*ll would include...

this bitch is a fucking virgin if i’ve ever seen one

yall never even dated, this bitch said hello to you once and decided yall were dating in true incel fashion (i mean look at this creature, he just screams incel to me). you, along with the entire jedi order, rejoiced when he died. the end.

#headcanons #crack fic #crack headcanons #crack hcs #hcs #april fools #april fools crack #crack fanfiction #star wars crack #x reader crack #star wars fanfiction #jo shut up challenge

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necropsittacus · 5 years

Note

13 14 16 19 20 and 21 :3

13. Thoughts on Admiral Holdo?

not fond of her. i tend to agree with the assessment that she seriously fucked up while she was in charge, and that the way that whole plotline was written was very white-feminist-y. i don’t like how she talks to poe at all. it’s honestly difficult to like.separate out anything i could say about holdo as a character or a person from comments on the writing of tlj, or from issues with the way Poe was written that i’m not necessarily the most qualified person to talk about--like, this is incoherent, but like. Even If you were going to make the argument that the way she treats him is justified by him being a subordinate who had made impulsive bad decisions, that still runs into that poe was established as a really good pilot who maybe shouldn’t have been written like that in the first place. and i still don’t think it’s justified there tbh esp considering the whole white woman in position of power being a dick to a man of color aspect, but again im not the best person to talk about that probably

i do feel that she Could definitely have been a good character had she been written differently, but the way that arc in tlj was actually written left a bad taste in my mouth, and so i don’t like her very much

14. Thoughts on General Hux?

unpopular opinion but he bores me. like, he’s a completely terrible person obviously, but he’s not even one of the villains i’m attached to he’s just There and i feel like i’ve heard he has more backstory etc in novels but movie hux didn’t honestly interest me enough to bother looking for it. i really only care about him wrt his impact on other characters i’m more invested in.

16. Least favorite ships?

i don’t really like kylo with anyone. also anything involving master/apprentice i don’t generally read, unless *maybe* it’s written to be creepy, with characters where that makes sense to me? also i frequently see really niche things like padme/palpatine or something that i could honestly have lived without knowing existed but it doesn’t feel like.worth it.to complain about something all of three people write as a Least Favorite Ship

19. Did you like Yoda?

not at all. fucker is emblematic of everything wrong with the old jedi order, personally oversaw most of that, and also just gives anakin and luke consistently terrible, destructive advice. anyone who’s had to listen to me for very long is probably aware i mostly take a “the institution is deeply fucked up but there’s a lot of good individuals” approach to the jedi. i...honestly do not see yoda as one of those good individuals. he was in charge for like. multiple hundreds of years. and probably a huge chunk of the problems with the prequels era jedi can be laid at his feet. also, he personally is just absolutely terrible at interacting with traumatized children and was not really a positive influence in anakin’s life. also “yeah we’ll give him an Actual Teenager to take care of! so he’ll have to let her go! as a test! this is a good idea” what the fuck?

also part of the reason luke was so good was ignoring yoda’s advice fight me

20. Sith Code or Jedi Code?

SITH CODE. it’s just. more interesting to me. also imo the sith code doesn’t explicitly require most of why the sith as a group tend to be bad? like “through victory my chains are broken” could just as easily be taken in an anarchist/Genuinely Liberatory sense as the “other people having free will infringes on mine so i gotta take over everything” shit that comes up periodically. also it’s interesting to me that it was like. written as a direct answer to the jedi code? that’s cool. the seven different russian translations on russian wookieepedia are also cool and comparing them is an interesting exercise in what it Actually Means

also like. not 2 be a sith apologist on main but,, the sith code i feel like parts of it can actually be taken as personally relevant for me, without any obligation to do murders or be a space wizard or whatever, if i tried to follow any kind of approximation of the jedi code it would probably make me very sad very fast

21. Do you believe Kylo will get a redemption?

considering the current state of things I wouldn’t be surprised if an attempt at that was made in canon, but I don’t think it’s a good idea or remotely the most interesting thing they could do with his character. i did like the redemption fakeout(?) in tlj.

i feel like. there’s already enough criticism of the sequels as being an OT rehash in some ways, and kylo and anakin are very different characters but i can see how doing the same kind of ending for kylo would just be boring or repetitive. and i would be VERY surprised if they managed to handle anything where he was redeemed+lived well, honestly

also don’t agree with the take that he needs to be redeemed to maintain the themes of star wars; vader was a special case, not all sw villains get redemption arcs, not even close. and it would just be way more interesting to me if he isn’t, honestly. i want kylo to lean into the dark side more. so basically, i don’t think it’s impossible that he’ll get one but i’d be disappointed

thanks emma!!!!

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kingofattolia · 6 years

Note

hi grace im rewatching the mortis arc and I want very specifically to get uhhh literally all your thoughts on it please go off

OKAY UHHHHHHHH BOY WHAT A QUESTION. SO i love Mortis honestly. it makes no sense and allows me to do WHATEVER i want with theories and fanfiction and have it be canonically plausible.

absolute random thoughts:

1. when Obi-Wan goes “hello there” as soon as the Daughter shows up 👌👌 i hate him.

2. BOY I SURE DO LOVE THAT SHOWDOWN WHERE ANAKIN GRIPS BOTH THE DAUGHTER AND THE SON IN A FORCE GRIP AND THE LIGHT GOES OUT AND STARLIGHT SURROUNDS THEM IN A COSMIC SHOW OF POWER

3. kind of really uncomfortable with the whole dark!Ahsoka part. the Son, in his guise as a sniveling weird animal, makes me REAL uncomfortable and also is it just me or do they make dark!Ahsoka act in an ooc, overly sexy~~ way. like i know it’s a trope that all evil females have to be femme fatale sex objects but Ahsoka is what, FIFTEEN? and Anakin doesn’t act ooc when he’s using the Dark Side – he acts just like himself, but angrier. don’t like this at all

4. HOWEVER i am very interested in the fact that the Son poisoned Ahsoka with the Dark Side and i think that potentially has a lot of strange implications. so how you use the Force isn’t always a choice? if you can be poisoned with the dark, can you be poisoned with the light? we know about normal sith poison that just increases negative emotion & encourages rage, making someone weaker to the dark side and more likely to use it. but it seemed like the Son’s poison was more than just that? interesting that he didn’t poison Anakin

5. the part where dark!Anakin clomps onto the ship and Ahsoka hides from him and then escapes. it gives me the shivers every time because honestly the possibility of Anakin hurting Ahsoka feels REALLY bad. also it is very interesting to me how Ahsoka doesn’t even seem that surprised. maybe im wrong or maybe its the surreality of Mortis as a whole? but it always seems like she’s not particularly shocked by dark!Anakin for some reason

6. forever astounded & confused that all it took for the Son to turn Anakin was showing him a vision of the future.

anakin: *sees a vision of himself killing everyone* NO!!!

anakin 2 seconds later: i have seen that it is THE JEDI who will stand in the way of peace

like??? it’s a constant of both Falls that he wants to end the war and bring peace. its a constant that he wants the power to protect people he loves from harm. it ALSO seems to be a constant that mere instants after falling to the Dark Side he forgets his original aims and becomes unhinged. he literally sees a vision of HIMSELF, specifically, individually, standing in the way of peace. and then is inexplicably like RAUGUGHRHFJHGHF THE JEDI.

this seems to be the same transition that happens at the end of ROTS between him leaving for mustafar and when Obi-Wan finds him there. is this a facet of the corrupting, perverse nature of the Dark Side itself? i assume its like drugs or something where you’re like “yeah just wanna get buzzed once” and then suddenly a year later you find yourself homeless and stealing from all your relatives?

7. when the Son visits Anakin and pretends to be Shmi?? Anakin’s like “the only love in my heart is haunted by what would happen should i let go” and Shmi/the Son is like “then it is not love. it is a prison.” LIKE WOW UH? the Son is apparently a true bro, dishing out some solid therapeutic advice. i cry because Anakin is genuinely trying so hard & also needs mental health support

8. love it when Anakin just stabs the Son in the back and kills him

9. WHEN THE FATHER RESTORES ANAKIN TO THE LIGHT BY WIPING HIS MEMORIES. RRHGJGJRHFJFJGHFJRVHGghhHH. i hate moments like this. like in “thrawn: alliances” when thrawn tells anakin “you’ll want to watch out for someone messing with your clone troopers. that’s gonna be really dangerous to you” and anakin is just like “yeah yeah, whatever.” OH MY GGGOSH HE LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT ORDER 66.

theoretical speculations:

first of all, it’s absolutely iconic that the way Anakin brings balance to Mortis is by leaving no one there alive. which is basically the same way he later brings balance to the galaxy. classic Anakin.

what’s weird to me is that the Father seems to think balance NEEDS to be kept between the Son and Daughter on Mortis for the galaxy itself to not fall out of balance. this would make one think that all three of the Ones are simply personified manifestations of the Force itself, right? but:

a) they straight up died and thus were mortal

b) the lore seems to indicate they began life as mortals way way way way way back at the beginning of time and just drank some elixir of life that turned them into Force demigods

c) according to some dumb legends book about Luke Skywalker, all three of them were necessary to entrap and defeat some hideous primordial dark side force beast called Abeloth that lived in the Maw and escaped every so often. except when Abeloth escaped during luke’s lifetime, oh whoops, the Ones are all dead (thanks dad)

obviously this last is not canon anymore, but the combination of all of this still makes me think that they were actually just massively OP individual beings who drank the wrooong magic elixir five thousand years ago and had a theory of Force balance influenced by their own lived experiences.

i’m not convinced by the theory that they were never real and were just Force apparitions the whole time. as a “shared vision” Mortis kind of makes sense, except for the fact that it makes NO sense at all?!? what kind of a useless vision, honestly. the Force is going to impart something monumental to three of the most important players in the whole “balance” storyline SIMULTANEOUSLY, and it chooses THIS?!?! that’s like trying to deliver an urgent message by just yelling GRHKEAHAAAAAGRGHRHAHGHHRGHAAAA in the person’s ear.

the Force isn’t exactly known for delivering explicitly clear visions, but i’ve never heard of one this complex and weirdly, pointlessly creative either. to me, it makes much more sense that the Ones were all real individuals. and if the whole thing was just a vision, that means they’re all having visions inside of visions inside of visions, when Ahsoka sees herself and Obi-Wan sees Qui-Gon, plus Anakin’s vision of the future from the Son. that’s pretty wack and OTT.

maybe ALL OF REALITY IS SIMPLY A SHARED VISION

my inclination is simply to think of them as crazily powerful, insanely old Force users that died when they met Anakin Skywalker (a very universal experience) and evidence of the diversity of how the Force manifests in the galaxy. the biggest problem with this is the gosh darn time travel episode from Rebels.

the ~world between worlds~ and access to every moment in time, past present and future, is entered through a mystical portal painting of the Ones. why the HECK would this be the case?! did they create the portal? did they discover it? they clearly had some knowledge of weird dimension stuff, given that Mortis itself was kind of an alternate dimension. are they ACTUALLY Force gods of some kind? technically, everyone is a manifestation of the Force! what makes them different?!

what secrets do they know about “the balance”? it seems like they must know SOMETHING to be so powerful and so inextricably linked to time and space itself. and yet….. everything they CLAIMED about the balance in the actual Mortis episodes seems a) stupid and b) mostly wrong. so…….. WHAT then?

honestly, i have no idea what conclusion to take away from Mortis. we JUST don’t KNOW and it drives me nuts. on the one hand, why is all of star wars about the Force and yet we have no information about the Force that makes sense?!?! on the other hand, it is absolutely accurate to irl theology to have no real concrete answers and all of it is just “well some say this” or “some interpret it this way.”

tbqh Mortis is the blank check Dave Filoni wrote me so that i can make up whatever the heck i want and it’s not wrong

#grace for ts #long post for ts #illuminirk #talking #UHHHH I DID NOT KNOW whether you wanted this #in your inbox or on the dash so i just put it here #here are my random ramblings and nonsensical force theories #sw fandom: you cant do that #me: yo remember mortis? i can do ANYTHING #star wars #tcw #mortis

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queerbycrs · 6 years

Note

i aint scared you gotta do 1-30

IM READY

favorite fic you wrote this yearalive (star wars, barrissoka) because 1. finally did something in second person that i liked!!! and 2. i feel like it was just. Good. i liked the way i did it.

least favorite fic you wrote this yearprobably To Be Found (star wars, obianidala) because it’s a genre that i don’t usually work with (action) + i did it for an exchange and didn’t give myself very much time to do it so i was super rushed and freaked out and yeah. it’s not terrible or anything but i just feel like *sigh* when i think about it

favorite line/scene you wrote this yearthis tiny scene from and this is how it goes (stranger things, stoncy)

It goes like this.Steve punches Jonathan in the face behind the school during lunch. And while Jonathan is still recovering from the blow, a hell of a bruise rising under his left eye and blood running out of his nose, Steve kisses him. Steve is the only solid thing in the world; everything else is tilting.This kiss tastes like blood.Steve pushes him away moments later, mouth slick and red, and spits on the ground, wiping off Jonathan’s blood. “I’m not a fucking queer,” he says, and leaves Jonathan alone. In the distance, the normal high school break-time sounds are coming back into focus. They’d disappeared when the bloodlust, or maybe just lust, appeared in Steve’s eyes.Jonathan licks the blood off his teeth and leans back against the brick wall, pressing his palms flat against it. It’s cold and rough against his fingers.It doesn’t feel as real as Steve did when his tongue was in Jonathan’s mouth, but it’s close.

...because i like blood as an aesthetic and i just. really liked this. (#homophobia #blood #violence #assault)

total number of words you wrote this year...i have to go with “published” because otherwise i have genuinely no idea. 43,710. huh! not bad.

most popular fic this yearcompleted this year? and this is how it goes, 156 kudos.

least popular fic this yearsympathy for the devil (star wars, hanleia/sith!leia, dark) with 12 kudos, but i also published it three days ago, so.

longest completed fic you wrote this yearTo Be Found, 7,163 words.

shortest completed fic you wrote this yearno rest for the wicked (young justice, snaibsel), 804 words.

longest wip of the yearLights Will Guide You Home (32.8k right now) which is the first fic i uploaded on that account! and it’s still a wip. sigh. (star wars, mostly plotty/action but with obianidala + skybridger + barrissoka)

shortest wip of the yearsee above. i have one (1) wip because i know now that i cannot finish them in good time and won’t do that to myself again.

fandom you enjoyed writing for the most this year...i think it’s still star wars. though i had a good time with stranger things, with one fic up and one that’s still in progress on and off

favorite character to write about this year...i don’t know. i will say i wrote more original trilogy fic than i thought i would, so more luke + leia + han, and i really enjoyed it.

favorite writing song/artist/album of this yearuhhhhhhhhh idk i don’t really Do writing music for a lot of surprisingly weird reasons.

a fic you didn’t expect to writechasing a memory (young justice, snaibsel) was a bit of a surprise, because it has a plot and it stayed relatively short while i also found it fascinating. also i’m super proud of it, it’s definitely up there with my favourites of this year

something you learned this yearWIPS ARE NOT SOMETHING I CAN DO.also i’m figuring out more of what my strengths are as a writer and where i feel comfortable, and i’m trying to push them a bit.

fic(s) you completed this yeara list, are we doing that?

chasing a memory

alive

slip away into the sound (star wars, hanleia, han dies earlier and leia doesn’t cope)

you know what they say about assumptions (star wars, obianidala, modern/celebrity au)

no rest for the wicked

and this is how it goes

To Be Found

take to the sky with me (star wars, skysolo, royalty au)

sympathy for the devil

fics you’ll continue next yearstill just the one wip. and hopefully i’ll finish it.

current number of wipsone!

any new fics to start next yearno wips (i’ve learned my lesson) but i have some ideas

number of comments you haven’t readnone, i think?

most memorable comment/reviewuhhhhh i’m not sure WAIT SOMEONE OFFERED TO PODFIC ONE OF MY FICS WHICH. I JUST. I DIED. THAT WAS AMAZING.

events you participated in this yearsw rare pairs exchange and skysolo secret santa. and they were fun but also i don’t think i can do any more exchanges until i graduate, considering how severely my current school situation limits my computer access.

fics you wanted to write but didn’tcan i take this as “wanted to finish” because i usually at least start writing things? i really wish i could’ve gotten somewhere with my barrissoka hanahaki au. i still might write it but it’s kinda stuck and idk

favorite fic you read this yearOH LORDIE.uh.whole yeari’m just gonna. take a pass on this one because i genuinely read hundreds of fics this year and it would take all night to narrow them down

a fic you read this year you would recommend everyone readSee Above

number of favorites/bookmarks you made this year501. DO YOU SEE WHY I CAN’T NARROW THIS DOWN ON SUCH A SHORT BASIS.

favorite fanfic author of the yearstill genuinely could not say. i loved a lot of them.

longest fic you read this yearfirst reads? hm. okay -- ao3, just go on and nOT LET ME SEARCH MY BOOKMARKS BY WORDCOUNT, THANKS FOR THAT. can’t tell you; again, 501 BOOKMARKS.i might be able to figure this out if my computer let me sort files by download date but it doesn’t. so.

shortest fic you read this yearsee above. shit.

favorite fandom to read fic from this yearhonestly? i have to say, a lot of them. like, i’d say “diversity in reading” was the theme of the year. i read so many different fandoms. but i think i really loved my brief delves into all for the game and percy jackson and it.

i’d say ask me more but this was all of them so thank you

#hoo boy #answered #nooowestayandgetcaught #i didn't read through this again so sorry for typos or w/e

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cynicalsonya · 6 years

Text

Sex, fetishwear, furries, meatloaf recipes

Yep a post about sex

Lots of weird sex

BDSM, butt stuff...

And the secrets to making the best meatloaf ever.

Which somehow is involved with the sex stuff

So if you're my kiddo, you'd be very sad reading this.

Ok I think it's safe now.

This post has nothing to do with sex, fetishwear, or furries. Sorry for getting your hopes up. I just don't want my kids to read it. Having your kids on Tumblr with you (my daughter is the one who encouraged me to start posting here) can be awkward sometimes.

My meatloaf secrets are using crushed stale (but quality) bread (not a box of "bread crumbs" prepackaged), soy sauce, and barbecue sauce. I didn't want to mislead you about *everything*. I was lying about sex being involved though. I do not recommend sex with meatloaf.

I haven't been posting much because I'm sad. My husband lost his job. We've never been wealthy enough to save very much. Does anyone else want to punch the writers of those articles that say "You should always have an emergency fund of 6 months salary set aside!" in their g*ddamned f*cking faces? When in f*ck do you think we've had enough after bills and student loans are paid to do that?

Student loans take half our income. I'm 42 and whatever total income I have, f*cking half is gone every month because my husband actually wanted to get a degree. I can't get aid like welfare or EBT (food stamps) because my income looks like twice that. And now it's nothing. So at least now I qualify for aid. Which isn't even as much as just *one* payment of these f*cking student loans.

My husband's family is amazing. They've offered to pay back the loans while my husband is unemployed. They also paid for takeout Chinese lunches for all of us as a treat.

Incidentally, my husband worked in a nonprofit for over 12 years. There's a program here in the US that pays off your loans if you work in a nonprofit for 10 years. But not if you miss even one payment. Then you're out. Which we did (miss a payment). Hilariously though, Trump didn't cancel the program but his people *did* take away the money intended to pay for it. So even those people who did do everything right still can't get their loans paid off. And this program only started ten years ago so they would only have started to be able to cash in on the program *this year*. Hahahaha. "If it's high quality evil, it's Trump brand evil!"

But I have no idea what's going to happen next in my life and it's making me very frightened.

I thrive on pattern and planning. This state of fear, financial insolvency, unawareness about the future makes me unable to sleep well. I am frequently tensing my muscles due to stress to the point that I'm sore all over all the time. I know I'm depressed. My memory is more faulty than usual. I have trouble feeling. I just feel numb and joyless. My stomach is paining me for no reason at all as best as I can tell. I live in a state of fear and sadness. My sensory issues are worse. My tolerance for the unexpected or unpleasant is greatly reduced.

I know it doesn't help anything to feel this way. I know it doesn't improve my life to be in fear. I just *don't know how not to*.

Incidentally, all our insurance was through my husband's job. It never paid for counseling anyway though.

I can't afford my dog's allergy medicine so he is genuinely scratching his fur and skin off of his face if he's not on a lap or supervised constantly. I left to go to church today and came back to raw flesh all over his forehead. He's allergic to fleas incidentally so not being able to get the cats flea medicine either is making things even worse. My dog adores me, but I can't help him. I feel like if I love him I should try and find him another home with people who can afford his medicine, but who wants a scabby, allergic, shy dog? I'd rather him be scabby and allergic than killed because no one wanted him. Plus he'd feel so betrayed. He is utterly devoted and that love is such a blessing right now.

Since I am a mom, I cannot express any of this at home. My kids need to feel like everything is going to be ok. My husband is stressed and worried too, and I don't want to make him feel worse. He didn't do anything wrong, they just shut down his division at work.

I need somewhere to vent. Somewhere I won't make things worse by expressing myself. Sorry Tumblr, you're it.

I'm so scared and upset, I'm in physical and emotional pain and all I can do is wait for my husband to get interviews. Im also thinking of applying to some walking distance crappy hourly jobs in the meanwhile. I just am not good at high pressure environments. I won't last, but even a few hours or days is money.

Positive things:

My middle kiddo, the 13 yr old genderfluid, outgrew their shoes. My minister gave them a new pair of shoes. Nice shoes even. They're an animal print in an athletic style and gender-neutral-named-kid thinks the shoes are great.

My husband does get paid (and have insurance) through the end of the month, so we're cramming dentist and medical visits in.

Our movie pass memberships were prepaid, so we can go to the movies for free every day.

My mom has an extra house, so if things get too bad I'll beg her to use it. She'll be mean about it and the house is hoarder-ish so I'd have to clean it, but it's still somewhere to live for free.

Tumblr is free. Cell phone service is free. I share a family cell phone plan with other people and this year is their year to pay.

My husband is sending out resumes and applying to dozens of jobs. Surely one will work out. He's an intelligent, witty and capable guy. He's physically disabled though, so I don't know if that will help or hurt his chances. Almost none of the jobs that are a good fit for his specialty are anywhere near where we live, so there's like a 90% chance of us having to move.

To all of you who post happy bunnies, funny cats, doofy dogs, emo sith lords, weird happy stories, THANK YOU!

To James Gunn (who will never read this) THANK YOU! I watch Guardians of the Galaxy (vol 1 and 2) as often as my family will put up with it. They are the happiest, most wonderful, uplifting films and I adore every single f*cking minute of them. (Except when Drax calls Gamora a "whore". He's a literalist. She's not a sex worker.).

If anyone actually reads this whole rant. Wow. I'm extremely surprised anyone would. It was spectacularly unrewarding and depressing. This is the end and there were no furries or fetishes. Hope you aren't too disappointed. But if reading this is the most disappointing thing in your life today, I'm officially jealous. :). (And I apologize. I don't want to be the saddest or most bothersome part of anyone's day, I just didn't want my kids to read this)

#unemployment #depression

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