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levis-hazelnut · 3 years

Note

Hello, can I request one where Levi's fem s/o is getting threatened by some scouts who think she becomes a squad leader only because she is Levi's girlfriend? The reader refuses to talk about it to Levi but he gets suspicious of her behaviour. One day he sees her coming to their room hurt. When he asks her to tell him what happened the reader tries to lie but Levi doesn't believe her and she with some hesitation tells him the truth. Thank you so much, I love your works❤️

(a/n: tysm for the request and kind words, love! i hope you like it <3 also, sorry that i took so long to write it)

Levi x Reader Let Me Be There For You

Salty moisture fell from your eyes when the door to your office closed behind you with the click of the lock. This was something you wouldn’t allow anyone to see because one: that would mean those that caused your tears would know that their words do affect you. And two: you don’t want to seem weak and vulnerable, especially not in front of your boyfriend.

Their words echoed in your ears, etching themselves into your brain to be trapped there.

“If I sleep with him, will I become a squad leader?”

“She doesn’t even deserve to be one. She’s one of the weakest.”

“I bet she’s only with him so she can be a squad leader.”

“She acts like she’s everything just because she’s dating the Corporal. I doubt she even loves him.”

Every sentence, word, letter caused a piece of your heart to crack and fall apart. And it would only happen in the safety of your office, where no one could say anything to you, or witness your breakdowns.

How could they say you don’t love him?

He’s the reason you work so hard. So you can live as long as he will. So he’s proud of you. So you can prove that he has nothing to worry about when out on expeditions or any other missions.

There have been times when you wanted to break up with him. Not because you don’t love him, but because you just wanted all these people to leave you alone. However, you won’t break up with him because that would mean those people will get what they want. And you don’t want to part from him for something irrelevant and petty. Especially when he cares so much about you that it would definitely hurt him if you broke up with him.

After calming yourself down, you rid your cheeks of your tears and made a start on your work. Paperwork was one of the only ways to distract yourself. It was almost like your comfort. Because nothing can happen to you while your pen scratches against the paper and your mind is only focused on the words before you. And with your door locked, no one can burst into the office.

“(Y/N),” the familiar voice of your lover called softly from the other side of the door, knocking quietly. “Unlock the door.”

“I want to be alone right now,” you replied.

“(Y/N), let me in. Let me help you.”

“There’s nothing to help me with.”

“Then, let me listen to you. I’ll try to do whatever I can to make sure that you aren’t upset anymore.”

“What makes you think I was crying?”

“... I didn’t say that. But now, I do know that you were crying... Did... did I do something to make you upset?”

“No, no. No, you didn’t, Levi. Don’t worry. You haven’t done anything wrong, my love.”

“Open the door, please.”

After some consideration, you huffed and stood up to open the door for your boyfriend as you stood there, keeping your gaze away from him. His eyes immediately ran over your face, noticing the puffiness and slight tinge of red around your eyes. An expression of concern scribbled itself over his visage before he took hold of your forearm and stepped further into your office, shutting the door. He led you to the sofa in your office, sitting you down and crouching in front of you.

“What happened?” he inquired, in a tone so gentle and caring that made your heart melt.

“Nothing...”

“Tch. Tell me what happened. Who made you cry? Just... tell me who hurt you. You know I never like to see you upset. So, tell me who did this and I’ll kick their asses.”

“And you know I would tell you if there’s something wrong, and I’d let you kick their ass. But you don’t need to,” you smiled, but the raven saw right through that fake-ass smile. He wanted to see your sweet, genuine smile spread across your soft lips.

Cupping your cheeks, he spoke up, “Don’t give this bullshit. Don’t force a smile. All I want is to help, or do whatever I can.”

“You aren’t my knight in shining armour,” you scoffed. “I’m a soldier, I can fight my own fights.”

“I know that. It’s just that I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“Levi, I’m fine, okay? Let me finish off my paperwork.”

“... Fine,” he sighed, standing from his crouching position as you got up and went back to your desk. “If you’re going to spend a long time doing paperwork, do you want me to bring your dinner?”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll go down and get it myself. Thank you, baby.”

“Don’t work yourself too hard.”

“Same goes to you,” you told him as he left your office.

After a couple of hours, the paperwork was done and it was just in time for dinner. Though, before you went to the mess hall, you had to drop it off to Erwin, so you quickly made your way there, hoping that you wouldn’t bump into anyone.

Your fists hit the wood twice before you heard a ‘come in’, so you opened the door and offered a small smile to your Commander, but he could tell that something was wrong as you were placing the pile of papers onto his desk.

“Thank you, (Y/N),” he said as you gave a mere nod and turned around to leave. “Wait, before you go... Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Why do you ask?”

“You just seem off.”

“Nope, I’m fine. Anyway, I’m hungry, so I’m going to go eat. What about you?”

“I’ll come in a bit.”

With an ‘okay’, you left his office, shutting the door behind you and making your way to the mess hall. Relief washed over you when there was no one around to say insulting words. And once you got to the mess hall, there was nothing to worry about because Levi and your friends were there, so no one would dare to say anything to you.

When you took a seat, you felt a few pairs of eyes on you, however, you ignored them since if you looked up, you knew they would be able to see that something was wrong. And you didn’t want to burden them with your problems. Which is another one of the reasons you refuse to tell your boyfriend.

~/~

You wished that the reason you woke up was because of the soft kisses pressed to your head and the soothing hand that drifted over your tresses. But it wasn’t because of that. It was because of an unpleasant dream. The same people, saying the same rude things, accusing you of false things, mentally destroying you.

But, once you lifted your head off of Levi’s chest, (E/C) met grey that swirled with love and affection and care.

“Good morning,” you hummed, earning a mutter of the same words from him while he pecked your forehead.

Normally, he would get out of bed straight away, but now, he was simply gazing at you, admiring you as you laid your head back onto his chest, closing your eyes for a few more moments. Soon, his gaze felt less loving and it felt like he was just staring at you to analyse your behaviour since you wouldn’t tell him what’s wrong.

Finally, after about five minutes, he let out a defeated huff. “... I can’t believe I can’t figure out what’s wrong,” he mumbled.

“Maybe because there isn’t?” you retorted. “Stop looking at me like that. I’d rather start my day with something nice, rather than being scrutinised.”

“And you would be able to have that if you just told me.”

“Tell you what?”

“... I hate you,” he sighed before leaving the warmth of your shared bed, stretching his limbs.

“Love you, too,” you teased, deciding to stay in bed for longer because you weren’t ready to leave the comfort and go outside, where people would terrorise you.

Once Levi had changed into his uniform, he had told you to get out of bed prior to leaving the room. That’s when you begrudgingly slithered out from under the covers and into the chilly air, freshening up and chucking on a fresh uniform.

When you arrived at the door of the room, your fingers lingered on the knob when you hesitated to leave the room.

You couldn’t stay strong forever. Something just felt off today, and you felt like it would be a terrible idea if you exposed yourself to the outside. Maybe it would be better if you just stayed inside and asked Levi to get you breakfast.

It was almost certain that you would break down if someone said anything. Only one thing would break you. You had that feeling. And that would mean Levi, and your friends, knowing that you aren’t as strong as they think.

But it would also have pros, right? Like if they found out, they would help you and try to prevent it from continuing.

But you didn’t want to push your problems onto other people. You wanted to deal with this yourself. Though, it’s probably inevitable since you doubt you will be able to carry on staying strong for much longer.

Without your permission, tears fell from your eyes and sobs racked your body.

What did you do to deserve this? All you want is to love Levi without anyone getting in the way.

Your legs gave out and you dropped to your knees, hiding your face in your hands as liquid seeped through your fingers and dropped with a patter.

Unbeknownst to you, Levi had been waiting for you outside the room. So, that meant he heard you crying.

The door quietly opened and he stepped inside, closing the door behind himself and locking it. He kneeled down in front of you, deciding not to question your tears, and instead, give you comfort by gently tugging you into his arms. You rested your head on his shoulder as he soothingly hushed you, stroking your back and pressing small pecks all over your head.

You didn’t care if he knew anymore because no matter what, he will always think of you the same. He wouldn’t think you’re weak, or that you’re a burden. He will help you, support you, and kick those people’s asses for you.

After some time, when you had calmed down, the raven brushed your tears away and kissed your forehead.

“(Y/N), I never beg. But, I’m begging you to tell me what’s going on. Please. Do you think that I like to see you this upset?” he spoke, voice laced with concern and slight pain. Quietly, you shook your head and he cupped your face, tilting your head up to face him. “Then, tell me. Tell me what’s troubling you.”

After some reluctance, you gave in and told him about what people said, and how much it affected you, and why you never mentioned it to anyone. And you could tell he was a little angry that you didn’t tell him earlier, but he was also understanding and he did his best to comfort you and he promised to help you.

His arms invited you for another embrace and you happily accepted, relief flowing through you since you finally got it off your chest and you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.

“You can stay here, while I get us some breakfast, okay?” he told you quietly.

“Okay.”

“And after that, you tell me the specific people that said those things, so I can kick their asses.”

You let out a small giggle and nodded, slightly parting from the hug to mould your lips with his.

“Thank you, my love,” you murmured in between kisses.

#levi ackerman #levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #aot #aot fanfiction #aot imagines #snk #snk fanfiction #snk imagines #attack on titan #shingeki no kyoujin #x reader #reader insert #anime #your wish is my command #hazel's angels #im acc not that proud of this :/#sorry

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funkyhanji · 3 years

Text

Daddy's Perfect Cock-Slut [English | BNHA]

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia (@Horikoshi Kohei) Character(s): Todoroki Enji | Endeavor, Todoroki Shouto Pairing(s): EnjiSho Rating: E Word count: 3528 CWs: Shota, Underage, Extremely Dubious Consent, Father/Son Incest, Grooming, Mind Manipulation, Childhood Trauma, Blow Jobs, Butt Plugs, Anal Sex, Daddy Kink, Begging, Rough Sex, Large Cock, Cock Worship, Cock Cages, Cock-Slut Shouto, Creampie, Implied/Referenced Father/Daughter Incest, Dissociation, Dirty Talk, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat

Summary: - That green-haired runt [...] knew nothing about Shouto. Or about Enji. Or about their relationship and how it functioned. -

Enji's annoyed. That green-haired runt reminded him too much of All Might, with his self-righteous attitude and acting like it's his duty to go sticking his nose into someone else's business, unwanted and spewing corny bullshit. Did that kid even know who he was talking to in that way?

His Shouto doesn't need help from a kid who can't even properly control his quirk. He knew nothing about Shouto. Or about Enji. Or about their relationship and how it functioned.

[*]

It took two days for Enji to notice Shouto's catatonic state and lifeless stare. He'd been busy dealing with the paperwork necessary to hospitalize his wife after her psychotic breakdown and her attack on their youngest child. Also the press — keeping the nosy fuckers away from his family problems was of utmost importance. Good thing he showered his PR staff and lawyers in money.

It was a comment from Fuyumi which had clued Enji in on the boy's ghost-like presence around the house.

Shouto, excused from school for a couple of weeks after the incident, would be seen wandering the halls in a daze; he'd often gravitate to the kitchen or his mother's bedroom, and stay there for indefinite amounts of time. He only moved when someone nudged him out of the rooms.

His son, he also came to notice quickly, was very responsive to commands in that state. As if his brain was more than happy to be given directions or orders to follow.

Any sort of command.

«Stop right there, Shouto,» Enji ordered one day, seeing the boy walking down the corridor in front of his open studio door. Shouto did as told, making Enji hum, curiosity piqued. «Come in Shouto, and close the door.»

His son obeyed, standing just past the threshold, his face devoid of any real expression and a haunted look in his eyes. It was disconcerting, Enji had to admit, but the cooperativeness was pleasing after all the reluctance to follow directives Shouto had shown since they'd begun his training.

«Come to me, boy,» he said, waving him over. «And speak, I'm tired of you playing mute.»

Shouto slowly crossed the distance, halting beside the chair Enji was sitting in. «Father.» His voice was scratchy from disuse and a bit dull, but it was still an improvement over the contempt it held before.

Something could be bettered though.

«Call me 'Daddy', boy,» he ordered.

«Yes, Daddy.»

The word sent a shiver down Enji's spine. Something wicked and dark—a desire to claim what was his on the most base level — awakening inside him for the first time in months, maybe years. Rei wasn't here to stop him, this time; she wasn't here to distract him with her own body, or to send Fuyumi his way in her stead.

Shouto was all his for the taking, now.

«Your Mommy was taken away because of you, Shouto. And since you're the reason she's not here anymore, it'll be your job to do everything Mommy did for Daddy. Do you understand, Shouto?»

«Yes, Daddy. I'll do everything Mommy did for Daddy, because it's my fault she was taken away.»

The smirk slashing through his face was nothing but sinister.

«Good boy.»

They were in Rei's bedroom, alone and with the door locked. It wasn't necessary, frankly: his and his wife's rooms were on a different side of the house from his kids', and none of them were about to come looking for him, not after dinner anyway.

Enji had come out of the bathhouse to find Shouto once again in his mother's room, gaze lost like a kicked puppy.

Defenseless. Adrift.

And Enji was there, because it was easy to take advantage of a traumatized child when you use the excuse of providing him with an anchor, a grounding touch.

He spread out Rei's futon on the tatami mats — a half-empty bottle of lube rolled out of it as well —, sat down with his legs loosely crossed in front of him and reached out a hand toward Shouto. His other hand undoing the knot of the towel at his hips.

«Here, Shouto, come sit in my lap,» Enji ordered.

«Yes, Daddy.» Shouto plopped down in the circle his legs made, back straight and blinking slow, breath even.

He didn't protest when Enji took his hand in a gentle hold, brushing a large thumb over the white knuckles; he didn't protest when Enji cradled the bandaged side of his face in his other hand. He didn't try to back away, as Enji coaxed his jaws open and delved two thick fingers inside, the rough pads gliding over a soft tongue and gums. Back and forth, deeper at each passage and full of intent.

A flush began to creep onto Shouto's cheeks; his breath humid as it puffed over the back of Enji's hand, a spark flickering to light in his uncovered eye.

He brought his son's hand toward his groin, pleased to see him follow the movement, gaze focusing on the swelling cock nestled in dark crimson curls. A shiver coursed through Shouto's thin frame as his fingers made contact, a sigh escaping parted pale-pink lips.

«Daddy...» Shouto whispered, muffled by Enji's digits still in his mouth.

«Go on Shouto,» Enji said, letting his hand fall from the boy's face, setting it at his slim waist. «You remember what to do, right?»

Shouto nodded, too lost in the moment to respond verbally, but it was fine.

Enji picked up the lube, squirting some in the boy's palm. Cold fingers wrapped around his length — barely long enough to circle the girth of it even when limp — and stroked, the touch tentative, trembling but growing surer at each pass. The push and pull of the foreskin as it glided over the head, the stiffening of the cock under his fingertips seemed to entice Shouto. His pupil dilated the harder Enji got, the blush on his face darkening at each of Enji's pleased hums.

«Good, Shouto,» Enji praised. He groaned when his son's other hand joined in the stroking, the dual sensation of hot and cold enclosing his cock feeling nice on his burning skin. «Put more strength into it, boy.»

«Yes… Daddy,» Shouto whispered, sounding winded as his whole body shifted with his movements. Sweat started beading at his hairline from the extersion and the heat radiating off of Enji.

«Remember, Shouto, this is your duty now. Taking care of my needs, of my cock, is your responsibility.»

«… Because it's my... fault Mommy's not… here anymore...»

«That's right.» Enji smirked, dripping corruption and lust unbecoming of a hero. «Get your mouth down there, c'mon. Like I told you.»

Once the bandages came off his face and Shouto was cleared by the doctor to go back to school, the vacancy in his stare finally began to recede day by day. He no longer wandered around the house like a ghost and he talked more often, as stilted and curt as his sentences were.

A positive thing, according to the majority of people Enji spoke to — a phrase which never failed to make him raise an eyebrow. He could understand such naivety from Fuyumi, but from adults who should know better than to sweep PTSD and trauma under the rug? Bullshit. They were just trying to appease him, Endeavor, the #2 Hero.

They were lucky that worked perfectly for Enji.

He could do without the new-found sparks of defiance in Shouto's eyes whenever they crossed paths or trained in the dojo, sure, but in was worth it when all the fight bled out of his tiny frame at the first glimpse of Enji's cock. He knew playing his hand while the boy was in a malleable state would be beneficial in drilling some key concepts in his brain.

«That was weak, Shouto! Fuyumi could have punched harder than that!» Enji reprimanded, eyes narrowed in Shouto's direction at his poor attitude.

He received a glare from the other side of the dojo, Shouto then kicking the dummy in the dick with an angry yell. Enji almost rolled his eyes at the display, but a sudden groan caught his attention.

«Ah— nnh…!»

Shouto was squirming where he stood, face pinched in discomfort and the heel of one hand carefully rubbing at his groin. Ah, Enji thought, it's the cage isn't it. Of course it was — it'd been only a week since Enji had put it on Shouto; he wasn't used to it yet.

«Stop touching it, Shouto,» Enji said. «It won't help—»

«Shut up! Take it off of me!»

Enji stood up, growling low and stalking toward his son. He gripped a fistful of bi-colored hair and shoved Shouto's face into his crotch none too gently, grinding him against his clothed, soft cock. Any protest died quickly. A breathy moan warming Enji's bulge, which twitched in interest as Shouto nudged his nose further into the crease between his thigh and pelvis.

«I told you not to touch the cage, Shouto,» Enji said, looking down at the boy.

«Mmkay,» Shouto muttered into the fabric of his sweatpants; his tiny arms embracing Enji's waist. «Daddy… wanna…»

«What do you want?»

«Daddy's… Da— haa!-» Enji rubbed a knee over Shouto's trapped little dick- «cock! Nnnh— Daddy's cock! P-Please...»

Enji chuckled. «And what d'you wanna do with it, mh, Shouto?»

Shouto looked up at him, flushed face and eyes swimming with desire to please. Enji could imagine the boy's mind quickly being overtaken by thoughts of his cock; touching it, stroking it, feeling its weight and warmth on his tongue — the way he'd been primed to in the weeks after the incident.

«S-service you— ah! — Daddy… please!»

«Since you're being so polite-» Enji patted his head, then undid the pants' drawstring and pulled them down enough for his cock to bounce free- «go ahead.»

Shouto's eyes light up, a needy whine falling from pink lips. «Thank you Daddy!»

He delved right in, mouth parting to suckle on the head, tongue sneaking under the foreskin and swirling around it like an ice-cream cone. Popping off the tip, Shouto moved down the hard length, kissing and licking every pulsing vein all the way to the base; he coated Enji's cock in saliva to ease the stroking of his small hands while he nuzzled up to the sac under it.

«Suck on those, boy,» Enji grunted, a large hand on the nape of Shouto's head. «That's where you came from.»

Shouto's tongue lapped at his heavy balls with careful brushes, lips puckering over the sensitive skin, sucking gently. Over and over, he kissed Enji's sac with something akin to reverence in both his touches and his eyes. His breath was humid and hitching as he worshiped Enji like the all-consuming being he was.

A low rumble reverberated in Enji's chest, his palm caressing red-and-white hair in silent appreciation. «Yeah… like that, Shouto. You like Daddy's cock, don't you?»

Shouto moaned, long and trembling with need. «Ah! I… I-I— yes! Like-» his lips attached to Enji's cock-head once again, drinking up the pre-cum oozing from it and mewling- «mngh— l-love it Daddy!» He rutted against Enji's leg, no doubt trying to find relief for his tiny dick trapped in that cage.

«Good boy. Now back to sucking.»

Enji unceremoniously pushed Shouto's parted mouth down on his twitching cock, fucking into it fast but controlled, thrusts shallow as his son let himself be used. Flushed cheeks hollowing and puffing out in time with his movements, and small hands cupping his balls, it didn't take long for Enji to feel himself starting to cum.

«Here it comes, Shouto,» he groaned, fingers dipping into the boy's nape to keep him still. «My seed— shit! Ngh!— don't spill any!»

Shouto's muffled assent sent jolts of pleasure up his cock, pushing him over the edge until he was dumping a load of scorching cum down the awaiting throat. Shouto drank and drank, lips tightening around his length to coax out every drop.

The sight alone — of Shouto's still-developing Adam's Apple bob — arousing him enough he could go for a second round immediately. «Like mother, like son: she loved to guzzle it down too.»

«Quit your squirming, dammit!» Enji growled, a rough palm on his son's hip.

«Nooo…! Back— put it back Daddy! Too empty...» Shouto cried.

Enji ignored the whining and the wriggling hips, too busy trying to reach for the lube one-handed, to appreciate the desperation Shouto was showing. At last managing to pop the bottle open, Enji poured the lube over the boy's slightly puffy hole — a huff of laughter escaping him at the squeak it earned him — and sank a finger inside.

Shouto's body shivered, no longer fighting. «Daddy...»

«Yeah,» Enji said. His digit moving back and forth, taking stock of how prepped his son's ass was after pulling out the plug which had been stretching him. «This is better, mh? A minute without something filling you up is unbearable, isn't it.»

The only answer he got was a whorish moan and Shouto pushing back into his hand.

Enji had introduced butt plugs around three months into his molding of Shouto into his personal, perfect cock-slut. He'd been dreaming about fucking his son well before Rei had snapped and gotten herself locked away in a hospital, and after teaching Shouto how to pleasure him with his mouth, Enji had decided it was time he started training that cute, round ass to take his cock. It'd been a couple of painstakingly long years. Years filled of better and better blowjobs, thigh-fucking — and occasional Fuyumi-fucking, because sometimes he missed the familiar feeling of a cold and wet pussy soaking up his boiling-hot cum —, and the slow-increasing girth of butt plugs up Shouto's hole.

The wait was finally over.

Enji was already rock-hard at the prospect of sinking balls-deep in Shouto.

His son seemed eager as well; spine curving sharply upward, hands gripping the futon under his shaking body in a vice. «Hhhnggh…!! O-oh! Da-Daddy! More— aah!— moreee!»

Enji smirked, a second finger pushing alongside the first to scissor and loosen Shouto; a third was quick to follow, and a fourth, the blushing rim stretched deliciously around his fingers, shiny with lube and fluttering. Enji shifted his hand back a little, calloused pads prodding at his son's prostate, licking his lips at Shouto's shocked yell. He kept up the touch until Shouto's walls were quaking and he was orgasming with his ass, his little caged dick limp but twitching uselessly over the sheet.

«Look at that, Shouto, you mastered the art of cumming like a woman,» Enji praised, fingers popping out of the boy with a squelch.

Shouto was out of it, drowning in post-coital bliss. «… Like a wo… man… did good?... Daddy…?»

«Yes, you did good. So good, you deserve my cock.»

Shouto didn't have time to say anything, Enji lubing himself up quickly and thrusting inside the small body in the next minute. Both moaned, when he bottomed out, then he pulled the boy up to sit on his thighs. Hands at a slim waist — leaving bruises on the milky-white skin —, Enji began ramming Shouto onto his cock at a brutal pace, the slapping of skin on skin loud and obscene, a nice background to the gritty grunts and the breathless mewls they made.

«How's Daddy's cock, mh, Shouto?»

«Mmngh! Aaah! Oh— l-l-loooove it…! Daddy!! Oh! Hhhgaah— yes! Cock!! Co— AH!»

Shouto was a mess of snot and tears and drool, with barely enough functioning brain cells to form words while he was mercilessly bounced on Enji's cock. His guts were speared continuously, his stomach visibly bulging every time Enji thrusted into him; his prostate was brushed against over and over to the point of pain, but Shouto kept moaning and sobbing in pleasure like Enji had molded him to—a slut for anything Daddy's cock gave him.

And Enji made sure to tell him.

«What a... whore! Happy to be a— ngh— rag-doll in my grasp... just to get my— shit!— cock. Ready to crawl— haa!— on your knees and choke on it! You're a bitch in heat, Shouto— my bitch. My cock-slut!»

«Yours, yes! Yesyes! Slut— AH! DADDY! AH! AH!»

Shouto orgasmed again, body like jello in Enji's hands as he shook and shuddered and pissed all over the futon. He kept up his onslaught anyway, fucking up into Shouto through his walls' clenching down on him until he was cumming violently inside, still thrusting while he rode it out, uncaring of the seed spilling down his cock and adding to the nasty mess.

«Thank… you… Daddy...»

«Mmh, good boy, Shouto.»

[*]

He sees his son walk towards him, on his way to compete in his first match. «Shouto,» he calls, «I'm expecting to see you use your fire today.» Shouto scowls, seeming determined to ignore him and that won't do for Enji. He steps in front of his son, blocking the passage with his large frame; this time it's him who ignores Shouto's gritted «Get out of my way». He bends at the waist until their faces are as close as can be with Enji's quirk active. «I put up with this defiance at home,» he says. «but here and now? It's going to ruin your performance and I won't have that.» «Fuck o—» Shouto starts, only for the words to die out as soon as he sees Enji unzip the fly of his hero suit and pull out his limp cock. He smirks. The change in demeanor is instantaneous: Shouto's pupils swell, black overtaking gray and blue irises; his jaws grow slack and his lips part; a rosy tint blossoms on his cheeks. Tense shoulders sag. In the next second, Shouto's on his knees in front of him. «Daddy...» he whines. «Aah, that's better,» Enji says. He reaches out, weaves his large hand in bi-colored hair. A low moan leaves his son's throat. He can practically see the saliva gathering on the boy's tongue in anticipation, can see him squirm on the floor as the seconds pass by. Shouto moves closer, nosing at the crimson pubes at the base of Enji's cock but not touching the half-hard shaft. He wasn't given permission to yet. «Need your Daddy's cock to calm down, mh?» Enji teases. «Like a baby with his pacifier-» with his free hand, he strokes himself, quickly growing fully hard at the sight of Shouto panting and sniffing at his crotch like a dog- «wanna be a good boy for Daddy?» Shouto nods wordlessly, slowly humping his boot and Enji can vaguely feel the chastity cage rub on him through Shouto's clothes. «Yes! Yes, please Daddy...! Please, your cock— oooh I want it! Daddy, please... pleasepleaseDa— mgahghn!» Enji grabs a fistful of white-n-red hair and pulls on it, shoving his cock past slack jaws without hesitation. «Suck Shouto,» he orders. Shouto moans around him. His hands grope Enji's thighs, blunt nails digging into the muscle as an anchor while he starts bobbing his head over the massive length. His tongue swirls around the shaft in just the right way to make Enji groan; Shouto's throat constricts as he's swallowed past his son's gag reflex, the vibrations from the mewls travel all the way up Enji's spine. His son's mouth is perfect. «Yeah, that's more— nngh— like it! Fuck, Shouto— you love my... cock mh? That's a good whore—» Wet and tight around him — it almost reminds him of Rei's and Fuyumi's pussies. «Cool yourself down a bit boy,» he grunts. When his son does as told, Enji moans at the feeling and fucks himself deeper, harder past Shouto's lips—they're stretched and puffy and red, with drool oozing down his chin. Shouto chokes on his cock yet keeps working it like the greedy slut he is. He ignores the tears running down his flushed cheeks and the snot mixing with his spit and Enji's pre-cum. His face looks dazed and Enji knows Shouto's brain is mush right now: the only words blaring in there are "COCK" and "DADDY" and "DADDY'S CUM". Exactly the way Enji wants him. It's what Enji's taught him ever since Rei had disappeared from the house, eight years ago-and his youngest cock-sleeve has grown up to be exceptionally great at giving head. The most talented at it since his mother. «Take Daddy's spunk, you slutty boy!» Enji says through gritted teeth as he feels himself getting close. He rips Shouto's mouth off him, gripping his cock and stroking himself quick and harsh until his balls draw up and he's throbbing in his own fist. «Open up and say— fuck!— thank you!» Shouto whines, swollen lips parted and tongue lolling out, waiting to be fed. It's enough to push Enji off the edge. With one last stroke, he's cumming, the thick ropes of seed landing on his son's eager tongue as well as on the bridge of his nose and his left cheek. He milks his orgasm to the last drop, staring down at Shouto with a dark glint in his eyes as the boy slurps up all the cum sizzling on his face. «Thank you Daddy...» Behind him, Present Mic's voice calls for Shouto's name.

#todocest #enjishouto #todoroki enji | endeavor #todoroki shouto #bnha #rarepair #funkys fics #guess who randomly decided to change theme of this blog lol #and to post the fics I've written since The PurgeTM #maybe #I honestly forgot how annoying it is to format here from AO3

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chickensarentcheap · 4 years

Text

Best Part of Me -Chapter 50

Warnings: Profanity

Tagging: @c-a-v-a-l-r-y, @alievans007, @innerpaperexpertcloud, @ocfairygodmother

Every sound is amplified when you’re on the verge of sleep. The skipping of leaves and stone as the wind blows them across the front porch and drive. The slow yet incessant dripping of the kitchen tap. The rattling of the old and rusted window air conditioner that does little to cool even the smallest of rooms. It’s a struggle tonight; body and mind attempting to coexist long enough to let him rest. Every one of his senses are on high alert; hypervigilance strong and unrelenting. All thoughts of Mahajan and his people and the very real and dangerous threat they possess returning the second silence descended on the shack. The moment he felt his wife’s body relax against his and heard her breathing become slow and shallow; drifting off on her stomach with an arm draped across his chest and her head nestled in the crook of his elbow. So beautiful and perfect with the moonlight streaming through the curtains, bathing her smooth, silky skin in a pale, silvery glow. Content and satisfied after two rounds of intense love making. Beginning outside where they’d been relaxing by the fire, ending just inside the front door when wandering hands and greedy kisses made it impossible to get any further. She’d been both yawning and giggling when he’d carried her to bed; laughing as he dumped her unceremoniously into the middle of it. And they’d spent the next hour engaging in quiet pillow talk and sharing long, slow, sleepy kisses.

He’d thought he’d fall asleep soon after her; their vigorous activities, a day spent in the sun, and the handful of pain meds he’d taken should have guaranteed at least a few hours. But it’s shortly before one in the morning and he’s only now beginning to feel groggy. Managing to fight back the worries and the thoughts that plague him and clutter his already damaged and weary mind and feeling that warmth that flows through him as relaxation finally kicks in. The meds are at last doing their job; taking the edge of and numbing his brain enough that it agrees to let him rest. His own breathing slowing down and levelling out, eyes beginning to close.

Until the sound of his cell phone vibrating against the nightstand tears him from the brink of sleep; all the failed notifications that three hours without a signal had held back now coming all at once. And he rolls onto his side and reaches for the offending object, momentarily forgetting about the bad arm as he attempts to prop himself up on his hand. The shoulder immediately gives way, causing him to groan and wince and a litany of profanities to spill from his mouth. The pain is intense; tightening every muscle and tendon, causing sweat to bead on his forehead and form at his temples, nausea to bubble in the pit of his stomach.

“Fuck...” Tyler manages through gritted teeth, blindly reaching for his cell. And he waits for the worst of it to subside before opening his eyes; the glow of the screen seeming unusually bright and almost painful as he checks the notifications. Relieved to see that none of the calls or texts have come from home; most unknown and private numbers and a couple dozen texts from Nik and Yaz.

He doesn’t bother to read them, or to check any of the voicemails that have been left; both can wait until the morning. Instead he tosses the phone back onto the table and moves onto his left side. Sliding closer to his wife and pressing a kiss to her shoulder before draping an arm over her back and resting his cheek against the pillow they both share; eyes closing as he breathes in the soft trace of shampoo that lingers in his hair. The nagging pain in his right arm will make it difficult to sleep. Once it’s tweaked everything goes to hell; agony burrowing straight into the bone, the muscles surrounding the shoulder blade itself twitching, numbness spreading all the way down to his fingers. But at least it’s a distraction; pain keeping him from thoughts of Mahajan and his threats and giving him something else to concentrate on.

He’s unsure of how much time has passed before his phone erupts once more. This in the form of several text messages sent in rapid succession, followed by the much longer and incessant vibration of a call coming through.

“What the fuck…” he groans, and yanks the blankets up past his shoulders, attempting to ignore the racket coming from the bedside. Unless it involves his wife or his kids, nothing is THAT important. And with Esme still sleeping soundly beside him and knowing for certain that the calls are NOT coming from home, there’s no rush to answer.

No sooner does it stop, it starts up again. And Esme raises her head from the pillow; eyes half open, her falling over her face.

“Tyler…” she grumbles. “...answer your goddamn phone. It’s driving me crazy. Or turn it off completely.”

“If I turn it off and you don’t have a signal, how is Ovi supposed to get a hold of us if he needs to?”

“Well do something with it. Please? Before I throw out the window or flush it down the toilet.”

“Just ignore it.” He slides a hand through her hair, then lays his palm on the back of her head; a gentle push encouraging her to lie back down. “It’s not important.”

“It must be if they keep texting and calling. Maybe it IS Ovi.”

“It’s not. Put your head down. Close your eyes.”

“Maybe it’s about your dad.”

“It’s not about him either. Just go back to sleep.”

“I can’t sleep when that…” she jerks her head in the direction of the cell that once more comes to life. “...keeps happening. At least tell whoever it is to fuck off.”

“It’s Yaz. He’s been trying to get a hold of me a few hours.”

“Well tell Yaz to fuck off and to call when the sun is up. Why would he call you so much? Maybe something’s wrong.”

“With who?”

“Nik.”

“And I care why?”

She groans loudly and dramatically and then drops her forehead onto his shoulder. “Please answer it. I can’t take much more of that.”

He relents. Sitting up in bed and running a hand through his hair and over his face before reaching for his cell. Scowling when he reads the last text that he’s been sent.

“What’s wrong?” Esme asks. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” he replies, leaning down to press a soft, quick kiss to her lips before tossing off the blankets and gingerly climbing out of bed; grimacing at the both the pain and the tightness in both his knee and back.

“What’s going on?” Both her voice and face are concerned as she sits up, gathering one of the blankets to her chest, covering her nakedness. Frowning as she watches him as he snags a pair of sweat out of one of the duffle bags and steps into them. “Tyler...what…?”

“I’ll be right back,” he promises, and heads for the door.

****

He’s already off the porch and heading for the car before Yaz even manages to kill the engine, dirt and stone rough against the bottom of his bare feet. There’s an unusual chill in the air; carried by the strong breeze and causing him to shiver and bring his arms across his chest, hands rubbing at his shoulders. He ignores the small wave and awkward, nervous smile that his old friend gives him as he approaches; scowl never leaving his face, his stride angry and purposeful. And he waits until Yaz turns off the car and attempts to climb out from behind the wheel before reacting. Laying a palm against the window and slamming the door closed; holding it tightly shut.

“What the fuck?” Yaz’ voice is muffled behind the glass. And when he realizes Tyler isn’t surrendering, he heaves a deep, heavy sigh and turns the ignition on once more, using a button on the door to put down the window. “What’s your issue?”

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“What the do you mean what am I doing here? Did you not read any of my texts?”

“I read the last one. About not comin’ out shooting.”

“Glad to see you paid attention to THAT one,” Yaz’ eyes narrow as he regards the Glock tucked in the waistband of Tyler’s sweats. “Sort of.”

“It’s not for you. I don’t know who the fuck might be watching and I’m not taking any chances. What do you want? I don’t want to be standing out here putting up with this bullshit. I’ve already had one sniper put one in my back. I don’t need another cutting me down.”

“I’m here to talk. If you read my texts, you’d know that.”

“How’d you even know we were here?”

“If you read my texts…”

“Yaz, I’m not in the fucking mood. I’ve got Mahajan and his people down my neck, I’ve got a massive target on my back, and a huge bounty on my head. What do you want?”

“To help. I want to help. So does Nik. If you let me out, we could go inside and talk. Look man, I know we didn’t end things on good terms. I didn’t take it well when you just up and abandoned us like you did.”

“I left for my family. Because I would have been no good to them if I had a mental breakdown. Or if I ended up dead because I couldn’t do the job right. Just because you took it personally like I dumped you at the prom for a different date…”

“I know, I know,” Yaz sighs. “I DID take it personally. But I was relying on you and you left me with guys I didn’t even know. Guys who’d never done shit like that before and I was expected to just blindly trust them. I needed you to get shit done, and you bailed. Talk about throwing someone to the goddamn wolves. You just tossed me into that shit.”

“I did what I had to do,” Tyler insists. “For my family.”

“Remember when we were family?” Yaz counters. “Before Esme came along? WE were family. You always had my back and I always had yours. And then you did what you did. You didn’t even give me a chance to prepare a new game plan. You just left. And I could have left you too. Back on the bridge in Dhaka. When Nik didn’t want to go back for you. I could have left you there. But I didn’t.”

Tyler’s eyes narrow. “That’s a low blow. Bringing up Dhaka. That’s real fucking low.”

“It’s the truth and you know it. I could have said ‘fuck you, Rake’ and left you there. Left Esme too. But I didn’t. And you wouldn’t have the life you do if I had.”

Sighing heavily, Tyler shakes his head and glances towards the shack just as the light in the bedroom area switches on. Watching as the curtains move; being pulled away from the frame of the window, his wife’s worried and curious face peeking out.

“I want to help.” Yaz says. “So does Nik.”

“Help with what?”

“Let me out and we’ll talk. I’ll explain everything. I’m not here to cause problems. Just to talk.”

“Fine.” Tyler removes his hand from the window and takes a step back. “Guess that’s what I get for not locking the gate before lights out. The likes of you showing up on my doorstep.”

Yaz grins. “You missed me. Don’t deny it. Your life hasn’t been the same without me in it.”

“You’re right. It’s been better.”

“You’ve always been such a sweet talker,” Yaz chides, climbing out of the car and using his hip to shut the door. He embraces Tyler warmly, then holds him out at arms length and eyes him from head to toe. “Jesus Christ…” he squeezes shoulders and biceps. “...you’re fucking huge. Like a goddamn brick wall. Even bigger than the last time I saw you. And what’s this?” He reaches up and tousles Tyler’s hair. “...going back to the old flow, huh?”

“Esme likes it that way. Happy wife, happy life, yeah?”

“You look good. Damn good. How you been holding up?”

“Been doing good. Can’t complain.”

There’s just too much to get into. And the last thing he wants to talk about -or burden anyone with- is the ongoing battle with PTSD and depression and everything that comes with the two. Both an increased dose of existing meds and a new one entirely have been keeping things at bay, but when his stress level rises or worry sets in or his brain decides to head to the dark, troublesome place, he tends to spiral. Anxiety increasing, nightmares returning, insomnia making a comeback. He’s been slipping since the news of Mahajan and his threats, and it’s been a struggle trying to keep a tight grasp on his sanity and be the strong and stoic one. If he falls apart, his family is doomed. They need him to keep his shit together.

Their lives depend on it.

“How’s the baby?” Yaz asks. “Another girl, right? I called that one. Said you were due for another girl,”

“Another girl,” Tyler confirms, as they head for the shack. “Adeline. After my mom. We call her Addie. Just a tiny thing. Dark hair, dark eyes.”

“Sounds like her mom.”

“Just like her. About time, I guess. First four look nothing like her.”

“Momma deserves to see her eyes looking up at her,” Yaz reasons. “And the rest of them are okay? They like living down here? Turning into proper Aussies?”

“I don’t know what it would mean to be a proper Aussie, but their accents are coming in pretty good. They love it here; love living by the water. They’re out there every chance they get. And they’re happier here. WE’RE happier here. Last couple of weeks have been a bit shit, but…” he shrugs, then pauses before stepping up onto the front porch. “What are you doing here, Yaz? What are WE doing? All this small talk shit. You’re not showing at one in the morning to ask me about my kids. What the hell’s going on? Is it that important it couldn’t wait until daylight?”

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for three weeks. Ever since you dropped the bomb about getting back into the job. Starting your own merc business.”

“THAT’S what you’re here for? To get on my ass about it? Defend your sister’s honor ‘cause she feels I fucked her over? You come all this way...at one in the morning...for that?”

“I’m here because I want to help. So does Nik.”

“Help with that?”

“Word travels fast in the game. We know all about it. Mahajan, the threats against you and Esme and the kids. We know what’s been said; how sick and twisted it all is. How fucked up it is. And we want to help Any way we can.”

“I’ve already to shit sorted out,” Tyler says. “I’ve already made arrangements. On how to deal with things.”

“I figured as much. Doesn’t mean we can’t help, though.”

“I don’t know what you think you can do. What either of you could do.”

“Nik’s got connections. Powerful ones. And we’ve got resources you can use. We’ve got tech, we’ve got transportation, we’ve got weapons…”

“I’ve got enough of those. I don’t need any more. Not right now, anyway.”

“Just hear me out,” Yaz implores. “Let’s go inside and talk about it. The more people you got the better, right? And it’s not like we’re rookies. We’ve got experience. And we’ve got good people...damn good people...working for us. Just hear me out. That’s all I ask.”

Tyler shakes his head. “You do not want to get mixed up in this.”

“Yeah, I do. Because it’s you. Because it’s you and it’s your family and we were tight for a long time. You don’t have to deal with this bullshit alone. You got a lot of people wanting to help out. That have your back. Let them help. Swallow your fucking pride and take what’s offered. Now is not the time for your ego to get in the way.”

Both men look towards the screen door as it creaks open; Esme giving a sheepish, apologetic smile as she steps out onto the porch in a pair of leggings and one of Tyler’s hoodies, drawing the latter tightly across her body.

“Everything okay?” she asks. “Is Nik alright? Nothing’s happened to her, has it?”

“She’s fine. Everything’s good,” Yaz replies, as he steps up onto the porch and wraps her in a tight hug and presses a kiss to her cheek. “You good? Still putting up with this guy huh? Thought by now you’d be tired of his shit.”

“More like he’s still putting up with me. He’s not as difficult to live with as everyone seems to think he is.”

“You can tell me the real deal when we're alone,” Yaz says. “I know you’re just trying to spare his feelings.”

“She doesn’t spare them any other time,” Tyler jokes, as he steps onto the porch. “Why would she start now?”

“I’m not THAT bad,” she laughs. “If I was THAT bad, you wouldn’t have stuck around this long. You would have seen what kind of shit show I am the first week in and said ‘fuck this’ and took off. You just like to act like you have it bad. Trust me…” she addresses Yaz now. “...this man is spoiled. And then some.”

“You don’t need to talking to Yaz about our sex life,” Tyler chides, giving a small chuckle when she elbows in the ribs. He lays a hand on the back of her neck, squeezing lightly and pressing a kiss to her temple.

“You two are still all loved up on each other?” Yaz grimaces. “What the fuck? Shouldn’t you hate each other by now? Haven’t you been married for...I don’t know...forever? Isn’t this usually when you start sleeping in separate rooms? Not going on a second honeymoon or whatever you’ve got going on here?”

“That’s EXACTLY what’s going on here,” Esme says. “Or was, anyway. What are you doing here? If nothing’s wrong, why are you showing up at one in the morning? And how did you even know we were?”

“Showed up at your place first. Ovi told me where to find you guys. Hopped on the first plane I could catch, rented a car, drove out here. This place is NOT easy to find when you’re driving. I’m used to flying into here. You know, this all could have been avoided if someone had called me back three weeks ago. Or bothered to check all his voice mails and texts. I wouldn't have had to interrupt you guys. Especially at this time of night.”

“It couldn’t have waited until morning at least?” Esme asks. “I mean, it’s one am.”

“Better to get this going sooner than later. Three weeks have already been wasted and this isn’t something that needs to get any more out of hand. Better not to give trouble a chance to get here first.”

“He knows about Mahajan,” Tyler tells her. “About the threats. About everything.”

Esme sighs, then nods slowly. “I’m going to go and put some coffee on. Something tells me this is going to be a long night.”

“We’ll be right in,” Tyler says, and then gives her neck a kiss and pecks her cheek before she steps inside. Watching through the screen door; waiting until she reaches the kitchen before turning back to Yaz. “She doesn’t know how bad the threats actually are. About what was said about me and the kids; just how fucking sick and twisted it is. I’d rather keep it that way. There’s some things she doesn’t need to know.”

“Of course,” Yaz agrees. “I don’t want to make things worse. Especially for her. I just want to help. That’s it.”

“I don’t know if you can, mate. This is pretty fucked up shit.”

“Listen,” Yaz clamps a hand down on his shoulder. “Lots of people have your back.No one is going to let you guys go through this alone. We’ll get these assholes. And we’ll make them pay.”

Tyler nods, then opens the screen door and follows his friend inside.

****

“Word travels fast,” Esme comments, mug of tea in hand as she slides into one of the chairs at the kitchen table.

“Always does,” Yaz says, as he dumps two spoons of sugar into black coffee and stirs it vigorously. “Surviving Dhaka made this guy a legend,” he nods in Tyler’s direction. “Already had quite the rep going into Bangladesh; coming out of it alive just elevated it. Taking a bullet to the neck like that and living to tell about it? That’s the shit legends are made of.”

Tyler noisily clears his throat and shifts uncomfortable in his chair. The entire subject is unnerving. Dhaka. Farhad shooting him. The undeserving praise from strangers. He’s not the first merc to miraculously survive something that should have rightfully killed him, and he won’t be the last. He doesn’t understand it; being put up on a pedestal for simply getting the job done. And he doesn’t want or need that kind of attention.

“When the word got around about Mahajan having Tyler in his cross hairs, it caught a lot of attention,” Yaz continues. “Pissed a lot of people off. All kinds of guys are jumping at the bit to help out; wanting a piece of Mahajan for themselves.”

“How did it even get out in the first place?” Esme inquires, as she runs her palms along the sides of the mug. “Allison said she had a ‘working relationship’ with Nik, but I didn’t think your sister would be the type to spread it around. I thought this was all supposed to be kept quiet. That’s what Neysa wanted. So Mahajan would know that people have caught onto him.”

“Only takes one person to start things off.” Yaz reasons. “And it wasn’t Nik. She wouldn’t do that. So someone connected to Allison and her business must have opened their mouths to the right people.”

“Or the wrong people,” Tyler remarks, using his thumb to absentmindedly twirl his wedding band around on his finger. It’s an anxious habit; one he resorts to when the rage begins to build and he is struggling to contain it.

His shoulders are tense; leg alternating between shaking back and forth and bouncing up and down. Eyes dark and intense; focused on nothing in particular as they stare across the shake and out into the night. Esme’s seen this behaviour before; a precursor to an anxiety attack or a manic episode brought on by the PTSD. It doesn’t happen as often anymore, both subsiding -or a least lessening in intensity- since moving to Australia. He’s learned to recognize the triggers; knows what situations to avoid before things progress. It had been inevitable. All the worry and the stress that’s been weighing heavily on his mind since news of Mahajan and his threats was dropped on them. And she tries not to draw attention to his mood or behaviour; simply stretching one of her legs out under the table and resting her foot on the leg that’s shaking. The immediate contact causes it to still. That small, unimposing weight snapping him out of his daze. Face softening and shoulders slightly relaxing; a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as his eyes focus on her and he lays one of his hands on top of her foot.

“Depends how you look at it,” Yaz shrugs. “In your case, it’s bringing out all the good people. Lots of them want to help you out; keep you all safe. I don’t think you get just how respected you are. Not just for surviving that shit in Dhaka, but still sticking to the job and getting the kid out even after you knew there was no money. You could have easily said ‘fuck the kid’ and just saved your own ass.”

“It wasn’t just the kid I was worried about,” Tyler says. “He wasn’t the only one I had to get out of there.”

“A lot of guys really look up to you because of that. For still putting your ass on the line even though there was no payout coming.”

“And even more probably think I’m a fucking idiot for doing what I did. What’s your point, Yaz? That I’m the charity case that everyone wants to help out? Everyone wants to help out the guy with the PTSD and the fucked up brain and the fucked up body? I don’t need their help. I can take care of my own family.”

“I don’t think anyone thinks that,” Esme says. “No one thinks you’re a charity case. I think they just want to help. Because they respect you and you’ve already been through so much and now it’s personal because it IS your family being threatened. No one sees you that way, Tyler.”

“You don’t know that,” he argues.

“I DO know that. They don’t want to help because they feel sorry for you. What’s there to feel sorry for?”

“I don’t know, Esme. You live with me. You know how fucked up I am. I’m sure everyone knows that.”

“People want to help because it IS you,” Yaz says. “Not because of how you ended up because of Dhaka, but how you ended up in spite of it. You’ve got this amazing life. You’ve got what so many of them want. You’ve got a wife and kids and some shred of normalcy. You could have easily died that day, but you didn’t. You survived and you fought your back and they respect that. They respect YOU. This isn’t about charity. It’s about respect. So swallow your pride and accept it. Accept what people are offering you.”

“We could use all the help we can get,” Esme gently reasons. She knows how his mind works when he’s in this kind of state. If she doesn’t handle things cautiously, his brain will convince him that they’re ganging up on him; launching a personal attack. And that will trigger his fight or flight response. And he always chooses fight. “You said it yourself; Mahajan is powerful and he can afford the best people. Shouldn’t we have the best people too? It only makes sense, right?”

“Too many people will fuck up things,” Tyler counters. “The ass end won’t know what the front is doing. And that’s when things go wrong and I can’t afford things going wrong. I can’t. Not when it’s you and the kids involved. I can’t take the chance that someone else's mistake will ruin my entire life.”

“But you know what kind of work Yaz and Nik do. You know their track records are excellent. You can’t deny that.”

“What about Dhaka?” he asks. “You saw the file. You read everything. You saw what she wrote. What she left out. Dhaka was one huge fuck up after another and all of a sudden you’re on Nik’s team? She was going to leave us on that bridge. She knew what Asif would do to you if his guys got a hold of you and she didn’t even give a shit. She wasn’t going to come back for us. I don’t give a shit what her reasons were; she was going to leave us both there to die. And I’m supposed to trust someone that did that?”

“Dhaka WAS a mess,” Yaz agrees.

“You think? It was a big fucking mess.”

“Which could have been avoided if you’d left the kid when Nik told you to,” Yaz says. “She told you to leave him behind. Had you done that…”

“I wasn’t leaving the kid in the fucking street. He was fourteen years old. A terrified kid that pissed his pants when I showed to get him out of that apartment. I sure as fuck wasn’t going to dump his ass somewhere to die. I’m not a goddamn psychopath.”

“Okay, let’s just calm down,” Esme suggests. “No one is calling you that or thinking that. If we all just stay calm…”

“It would have made things easier,” Yaz points out. “Without the kid, you two would have been able to get to the bridge that night and we could have gotten you both the hell out of there. None of the other bullshit would have happened. Everything that went down on the bridge? That never would have happened. You never would have gotten shot in the neck and you never would have been in the hospital for months or went through all that rehab or…”

“I would rather get shot in the fucking neck than leave a kid in the street to die,” Tyler retorts. “And because I didn’t throw him away like trash, your sister thought it was okay to leave us on the bridge? She thought it was okay that Asif would have gotten a hold of Esme and done all kinds of sick and twisted shit to her BEFORE killing her? That’s all okay to her because I didn’t leave a kid to die? Fuck her. And fuck you too for ever bring this shit up.”

“Can we just all please relax?” Esme pipes up. “This isn’t what Yaz came here for. We don’t need to fight about this. About Dhaka. It was seven years ago and it was a shit show and it sucked and it screwed us both up. We’re probably always going to be screwed up in some way because of it. But fighting over it solves nothing. It won’t change what happened and it definitely doesn’t help with what’s going on right now. Can we concentrate on that? On right now and Mahajan and all his bullshit. Because that’s the present and it’s very scary and I’ve got five little kids that he’s threatening and if anything happens to my kids…” her voice cracks with emotion. “...if anything happens to them, my life would be done. I’d never get over losing them. So can we please just shut the fuck about Dhaka?”

Yaz gives an apologetic smile and holds his hands up in surrender. “I get it. It’s a touchy subject. You guys have been through a lot; been going through it right from the start. It wasn’t my intention to bring it up and ruffle feathers or hurt feelings.”

“Fuck you, Yaz,” Tyler snarls. “Hurting my feelings? Fuck you.”

“Please…” Esme pleads. “...enough. This isn’t a good time to talk about this. It’s NEVER a good time for it. We have more important things to think about. Can we all agree on that? Can we all agree NOT to talk about Dhaka? Because nothing good ever comes of talking about that place. Please…” she digs her toes into Tyler’s stomach. “...can we concentrate on what is going right now? Because I’m worried and I’m scared and I don’t want to lose my kids. Or you. At least hear Yaz out. Can you do that? For me?”

His face and his eyes soften as he relents. And he gives a nod and a small, tight lipped smile. “What do you want to do?” he asks, directing the question at Yaz.

“It’s not about what WE want to do. It’s about what YOU want us to do, What you NEED us to do. Say the word, brother. Say the word and I get it done. Simple as that. We’re in. Nik and I, the rest of the team. We’re clearing the board for this; no other jobs. And before you ask, because I know you’re going to, we don’t want any money for this. It’s not about a pay day. It’s just about you guys out. That’s it.”

Tyler sighs and runs a palm over his face, then leans back in his chair, arms folded over his chest. “We could use tech. Radios, ear pieces, SATs. All of that. We don’t have nearly enough of that stuff and it hasn’t been easy to find.”

“We’ve got you covered,” Yaz assures him. “We’ll worry about that stuff. You’re going to need someone to man things; behind the scenes. Someone that can monitor the satellites and the radios. You got anyone in mind?”

“Depends,” Tyler grins. “Can you clear your schedule?”

“I can do anything for you, you know that.”

“We’re pretty much going into Mumbai blind,” Tyler admits. “Nothing more than the kid to translate for us. Having you running shit behind the scenes would be a huge plus.”

“I’ve got you. No worries there. I’ll bring my people with me. There’ll be three techies plus myself. Should be enough?”

Tyler nods.

“You need any extra mercs or..,.”

“We’re fine there. We get too many out there at once, it’ll only screw things up. If I need anyone extra WHEN we get there…”

“All you gotta do is ask,” Yaz finishes for her.

“You think you could check a couple things out for me ahead of time? I need some things looked into.”

Yaz nods.

“I need plans. For the Mumbai prison. Where Mahajan is. Aerial photos, blueprints, whatever you can get your hands on. And I need you to look into the Grand Hyatt Hotel. It has residences in it and apparently a couple of the guys I’m after live there. I need to know how to get in and get out. Quickly. I need to know where the security cameras are, emergency exits, stairwells, where I get the best shot from if I need to take it from outside. Everything you can possibly find out about the place. Can you handle it?”

“Can I handle it?” Yaz scoffs, already typing the information into his phones. “Have we met? Anything else?”

“Not that I can think of. At least not right now. I’ll message you with anything else.”

Yaz grins. “And NOW he’s going to use his phone.” He taps the toe of his shoe against Esme’s shin. “How the hell do you put up with this guy? Seriously. How are you not batshit insane yet?”

“Bold of you to assume I’m not already there yet,” she playfully retorts.

“You know, when I stopped by your place and Ovi told about this whole Mumbai thing, I thought ‘that crazy bastard hasn’t changed a bit’,” Yaz admits. “I thought ‘he has no goddamn clue what he’s walking into.’ And then I realized you do. You know exactly what you’re doing and getting yourself mixed up in. And it shouldn’t surprise me; that you’re doing this. No matter how insane it sounds.”

“It’s the way it has to be done,” Tyler says. “I have to do this before they can get to my family. I can’t afford any fuck ups, Yaz. Not when it’s my wife and kids’ lives on the line. I just can’t.”

“It’ll all get taken care of. Those bastards will get what’s coming to them. You gonna do away with Mahajan?”

“That’s the plan. We’re saving him for last. I’ve got a guy on that. He’s got his own score to settle; deserves to be one that takes him out.”

“Saju’s brother, right?”

Tyler nods.

“Shame that guy died. I would have loved to bring him onboard. Would have made a great merc. Could have given you a run for your money, that’s for sure.”

“He DID. He was a tough bastard. Way tougher than I thought he’d be.”

‘He probably thought the same thing about you,” Yaz chuckles. “You don’t go down easy, that’s for sure. I’ll start on this stuff tomorrow; soon as the sun is up. Get a head start. When do we leave.”

“Nine days. Think you can arrange transport?”

“Again the with the dumb ass questions! Of course I can. Nothing I CAN’T arrange. But for now…” he downs the last of his coffee. “...I have to get back to Broome. Siobhan doesn’t like to be alone for too long in strange places. Especially now that she’s five months.”

Esme’s eyes widen. “Excuse me, what? Five months? As in five months pregnant?”

Yaz nods, a proud smile tugging at his lips.

“Oh my God!” Esme is on her feet, rushing to his side, embracing him as he stands. “This is amazing! I didn’t know you two were still together, let alone having a baby.”

“Well you would have known, had this asshole…” he nods at Tyler. “...called me back three weeks ago or at least checked his voice mail or his goddamn text messages.”

“You’re going to be an amazing dad,” Esme gushes. “You were always so good with our kids. They always loved when Uncle Yaz came around. If you’re staying in Australia for a bit…”

“Going to stick around until Mumbai. A little business, a little vacation..”

“,,,you’ll have to come to the house when we get back. It would be nice to catch up. And you guys can come to Millie’s party. Next Saturday. She’ll be over the moon to see you.”

“Can’t believe she’s going to be six,” Yaz shakes his head in disbelief. “Seems like yesterday you guys were finding out about her, never mind bringing her into the world. I still remember getting that call at three am; someone crying like a baby because he was a dad again and saying it was a girl. Six. Holy shit. Pretty soon she’ll be a teenager.”

Tyler scowls as he stands. “You shut the fuck up.”

“He doesn’t like to think about that,” Esme says. “That’s his baby girl. He’s very protective of her.”

“I don’t blame him. She’s the first after...well...you know. Can’t say I’m surprised he doesn’t want her to grow up. Mine’s not even born yet and I don’t even like to think about that stuff. See what you’ve done?’ He clasps a hand down on Tyler’s shoulder. “You’re rubbing off on some of us. We’re following in your footsteps. Trying to settle down, have a family.”

“You’re the last person I thought would do any of that,” Tyler confesses “ No more cocktail waitresses or strippers, huh?”

“Naw. It’s time to grow up. Be a proper adult. I mean, if you can manage it, anyone can. You talk about meaning the last you’d expect, what about you? You weren’t actually thinking about kids and all that seven years ago. You pretty much shocked everyone. I mean, I didn’t blame you for those five days. That one hell of a booty call.”

“Hey!” Emse slaps him across the chest. “Screw you, Yaz!”

“It’s a compliment,” he argues. “He would have been insane NOT to jump on it. But marriage and babies and all that? You pretty much mind fucked us all. Not that I wasn’t happy for you. I was just surprised. Considering I know how big of a mess you were.”

“Sometimes I’m still a mess,” Tyler admits. “I’m lucky though. NO matter how much of a fuck up I can, I’ve got a good woman. An amazing woman.” He gives his wife a wink and a nudge with his elbow, then drapes an arm across her shoulders as they walk Yaz to the car.

“You two are lucky,” Yaz says, as he pops open the driver’s door on his rental. “Even during all that craziness in Dhaka, you managed to find something pretty damn good. And you stuck with it. Through all the hard times and all the bullshit. You never let it break you. We should be all that lucky; finding THAT with someone. You guys will get through this. Your track record for surviving bad shit is ten for ten so far. You won’t let Mahajan fuck that up.”

“We’re hanging in there,” Esme says, as she smiles up at her husband and curls an arm around his waist, tucking herself tightly into his side. “I figure if we can get through that first year after Dhaka, we can get through anything. Never mind that. If we can get through what happened on that bridge, we can survive this.”

“You guys are stronger together than you are apart,” Yaz declares, then hugs them both. “Remember that, okay? Even when it feels like everything’s going to shit. Stick together and it’ll all work out. And you…” he taps Tyler on the cheek. “...don’t screw things up! Break her heart, I break your face.”

“What if she breaks MY heart?”

Yaz grins, then slides behind the wheel. “That’s NEVER going to happen.”

#tyler rake #tyler rake fan fic #tyler rake fan fiction #extraction #best part of me #chris hemsworth character

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diyunho · 4 years

Text

The Joker x Reader - “Nobody” Part 2

After not feeling well for months, The Joker finally found out why: the life threatening condition is so serious there’s only a 50/50 chance of survival. Dealing with a brain tumor is not going to be easy, that’s why The King of Gotham asked his half-brother Arthur to help Y/N while he’ll undergo treatment.

Part 1

“Hey Pumpkin,” The Joker kisses you. “Are you awake?”

You smack your lips and stretch, opening your eyes since you have no other choice.

“I am now… Are you feeling sick? Need anything?” the nursing side takes over while he’s silent, too busy wrapping your right leg around his waist. “Mister Joker,” you immediately gasp. “No guns in bed!”

“It’s not my gun,” he smirks and you chuckle at the evident truth. “When’s the last time we had sex, huh? Two weeks ago?!”

“Mmmm…” you debate, caressing his face. “Something like that.”

“All the meds are messing me up,” J pouts. “Great news though: turns out I’m not dead yet,” he adds and you yank him in your arms before his speech ruins the mood.

“Maybe we should sleep outdoors more often; it seems to have a beneficial effect,” Y/N underlines the welcomed idea The Joker had last night about resting on the terrace.

“Or maybe it’s just from having my girl close,” he utters a nice sentence, instantly correcting himself. “This is clearly the tumor messing with my brain; makes me say weird stuff.”

“Perhaps we should keep it then,” you sigh as The King of Gotham pulls down on your PJ shorts. “I like to hear weird stuff like that.”

“Do ya’?!” he fakes his surprise because he tries to avoid the subject.

“U-hum.”

“Naaah, I vote for sex and dirty talk!” J hisses and slides on top of you, prompting laughter when he starts nibbling on your cleavage. “Let’s have some fun before my mojo’s gone!”

“Mojo!” you repeat since you can’t stop cracking up, the unexpected entertaining morning 100 percent welcomed after the stressful past months.

“Shut up and let’s sin,” The Joker gives in to your charms. “You can be laud: Arthur’s a heavy sleeper, not that he can hear us anyway.”

***********

His brother is actually downstairs; Arthur woke up at 7:15am, moped around for a bit, then decided to cook breakfast. That’s what he’s been doing for the past 20 minutes: it wasn’t difficult to locate the necessary ingredients and bestowing his talents upon the famished couple might help in the long run.

He figured Y/N and J will appreciate his culinary abilities succeeding napping on the inflatable mattress outside; fresh air is bound to make one hungrier than usual.

So here’s the result of his hard work: two plates filled with bacon, eggs, hash browns, waffles and freshly sliced oranges perfectly arranged in symmetrical patterns.

Arthur places the dishes on a tray, humming a little song while he pours hot tea in the cups; it smells delicious and he can’t wait to enjoy the praises: he needs extra credit after upsetting Y/N yesterday with the unnecessary fight she witnessed by accident.

Mister Fleck lights up a cigarette, swiftly creeping out The Penthouse: he puffs the smoke like a chimney, mindful at the ashes flying in the breeze. A few extra steps and he’s almost in front of the canopy; Arthur prepares to announce his presence when moans reach his ear. He freezes and carefully listens, unsure on what to do.

“Oh my God, J!” you squeal as The Joker growls, purring up a storm.

“What are you doing to me, Kitten?”

Further panting and groaning suggests he should probably abandon his plan: Arthur holds in his breath, unwilling to interrupt the fun. The 42 year old begins to gracefully walk backwards, totally caught up in a tiny dance with the food tray.

“Sssttttt,” he admonishes his own action while sliding the glass door. “Let’s give the kids privacy,”Arthur mumbles and covers the plates to keep breakfast warm.

In about 20 minutes he notices J chasing you towards the entrance, your rosy cheeks turning red when you bump into the guest.

“Good morning,” you smile and let The Joker catch you.

“Easy prey,” he gropes a bubbly Y/N although if his older brother is present.

“Morning,” the reply triggers your boyfriend’s out of context comment:

“You cooked?!”

“Yeah,” Arthur gestures at the covered plates. “It’s ready to go.”

“Let me take a fast shower and brush my teeth. Are you coming?” J slaps you butt instead of another encouragement and you steal a piece of bacon to munch on the way up to the master bathroom:

“Thank you Arthur!”

“No problem,” he blows a rebel curl off his forehead, intrigued to see his sibling in a good mood; it’s a well-known fact The Joker didn’t have an abundance of fine days lately. Today must be an exception.

He’s actually the first one to arrive and Arthur has to ask:

“Where’s my sister-in-law?”

“She’s not your sister-in-law!” the sour tone underlines.

“I had you guys married,” the man insists.

“We didn’t agree to that!” The Joker hisses. “I barely tolerate her!” Arthur calmly lights up his second cigarette for the day, sharing wisdom with the feisty green haired menace:

“I wouldn’t take her for granted if I were you; one day you might wake up and realize she’s not even here. I talk from my own experience when I tell you it happened to me too: my relationship with the woman I loved was just an illusion, nothing more. Trust me when I tell you you’ll never feel such a deep disappointment again…”

“Ahhhh, I’m starving!” you pop up in the kitchen, completely unaware of the discussion they’re having. “Coffeeeeee,” you gush at the freshly brewed pot, excited to sip on the miracle drink.

“It’s impossible for us to hallucinate in the same time,” Arthur whispers. “Wanna check to make sure?”

J nods a yes and you’re suddenly trapped at the counter: Arthur grabs your right hand, his brother your left, both squeezing your fingers.

“I think you’re OK,” Mister Fleck concludes and you’re confused:

“What’s going on?”

“Confirming you’re real,” he admits on their strange experiment.

“Of course I’m real,” Y/N frowns, yet she has a vague idea regarding the mysterious behavior.

“Perfect; take your coffee and let’s eat,” J avoids expanding on the topic; that’s the best he can muster without revealing the slight panic at the thought you might be a product of his imagination.

*************

“I have a meeting at Savage Club this evening. Could end up profitable, depending on the terms. Would you care to accompany me?” Arthur offers to get The Joker out of the house for the heck of it.

“Nah…” the latest mutters, quite uncomfortable after his afternoon pills.

“Come on, baby; let’s go out!!! It’s been forever!” you implore because the proposal sounds super enticing. “I miss having fun,” you blur out and continue when his bitterness is obvious: “Not that it’s not fun staying home. Pleeeeaasseee, can we? I promise I’ll take care of you.”

“I don’t need you to take care of me; I’m not a child!” The Joker raises his voice and you are frustrated since no matter what you articulate it gets twisted.

“Why do you have to be like this?...” the rhetorical question is a clear statement of how much you hate conflict over trivial issues of no importance whatsoever.

Your other half believes otherwise.

“Like what, hm? Like what?! Explain so everybody can get an intelligible and logical breakdown!!” J yells for no reason but you are so done with his outbursts.

“Never mind,” you sniffle and stroll out on the terrace in order to avoid more bickering; today started so damned uplifting and you don’t know how to keep things together anymore.

When you give your all and you don’t receive too much in return, the good moments blur out in the background to the point of becoming insignificant.

“You’re a jerk,” Arthur affirms after he’s left alone with his sibling.

“Pfft,” The Joker rolls his eyes. “It’s the tumor,” he sarcastically emphasizes.

“Bullshit! It’s not the tumor, kid. And I’m taking her out, she earned it. Your crabby ass can stay here; Y/N is certainly due for refreshing fun!” the fierce answer provokes J’s resentment.

“Definitely not!!!”

“Watch me,” Arthur scoffs at his relative’s conduct, deciding to follow you outdoors.

You watch the busy city from the 30th floor and it’s safe to say you don’t really see it; the wrists loosely hanging over the railing cue him to approach with caution.

“I had this epiphany that you should escort me to Savage Club,” he tests the waters. “If you don’t fancy to attend the gathering you can always sit at the bar and have some drinks. Call me insane but I have this hunch you might want a distraction.”

“I can’t,” you regretfully inform. “I have to ensure J takes his medications and eats; what if he has an episode while I’m gone?... I simply can’t…”

“Plenty of people to supervise him; he’ll be ok.”

You don’t reply and Arthur lights up another cigarette, nonchalantly chatting with the quiet Y/N.

“Tell you how this will play: we’ll get ready and at 6pm we are leaving with or without the kid. If he joins it’s fine, if not… infinitely better,” he elbows a sulky Y/N. C’mon, put on a happy face! See?” he grabs the corners of his mouth and forces them into an eerie grin, eager to demonstrate his proclamation. “It’s not complicated, you just have to practice,” he moves his fingers to your face and elevates the corners of your lips, trying to mimic a smirk for a few seconds. “Tough crowd…” he grumbles when there’s no reaction. “Don’t make me take out the heavy artillery,” Arthur threatens. “I used to do stand-up comedy, you know?”

“… Did you?...” you finally respond to his repeated attempts, pretending you are clueless of his skills.

“You should be aware I’m a tour de force nobody should reckon with,” Mister Fleck boasts, super confident he can make you laugh.

“Yeah, after you tell a joke there’s so much silence you can hear the crickets chirping all the way from New York!” J snarls because he tiptoed on the patio to spy on the conversation.

“Oh yeah?!” Arthur gets annoyed and without further delay he lays upon you one of the best masterpieces to ever emerge from his genius brain: “I hope my death makes more cents than my life.”

And now he waits… and waits…

“Told you before: it’s not funny,” The Joker reprises his march back to the Penthouse, thrilled at his brother’s failure when the unthinkable happens: Y/N bursts out laughing like crazy, not necessarily due to the pun being hilarious (she actually finds it kind of sad, that’s why she didn’t react sooner).

Arthur’s inflated ego makes him shout from the top of his lungs, ensuring the younger sibling can perceive his triumphant bragging:

“IT IS FUNNY!”

************* “Welcome to my humble kingdom,” Joker guides you towards the bar among the increasing ruckus his presence is creating among the audience.

Savage Club belongs to him and his “fans” meet here on a regular basis: a safe haven for the eccentrics, misfits and wackos, ready to do whatever necessary to please their role model.

Arthur picks a microscopic crumb from the collar of his impeccable red suit while pulling a high chair for you:

“Take a sit,” he quickly glances at the huge mirror behind the counter to make sure his clown make-up is flawless: it took him an hour to get ready after you accepted his invitation. He’s usually faster yet the feminine company required auxiliary efforts; it’s not every day you steal a woman from her crib and take her out for invigorating entertainment.

The woman being your brother’s partner makes it even better.

“J is not answering my texts,” you sigh, already worried he might be sick.

“It’s his fault for acting up,” Arthur takes out a cigarette and seven hands holding lighters pop up around him. He chooses the one belonging to the pretty lady to his right, giving her a little wicked wink that visibly flusters the recipient of such undivided attention. “I’m going to my meeting, it should take too long,” he addresses Y/N and she nods, prepared to guzzle down much needed alcohol away from the grumpy boyfriend.

“Nothing happens to my sister-in-law,” Joker barks at one of the bouncers on his way to the VIP room; there’s no soul to argue the disclosure regarding your connection so he gets away with it.

“No worries, sir; she’s safe.”

“You misunderstand,” Arthur cuts him off. “This is for their safety,” he points at the mob. “In case you didn’t recognize her, that’s Y’N and she’s in a foul mood; we all heard rumors about her temper, hm?”

“Yes, Mister Joker.”

“Don’t be an idiot!” The Clown scolds. “My brother’s Mister Joker; I’m simply Joker. Or did you forget?!”

*************

1 hour and 13 minutes later

“How are we doing?” Arthur makes himself comfortable next to you, gesturing at the 8 empty shot glasses collected in a small pyramid.

“Amazing,” you slurp from your second Mai Tai cocktail and chew on the pink straw.

“How many can shots can you handle?” he curiously interrogates the buzzed Y/N.

“About 5,” you snort and it makes him content to notice you’re carefree for once.

“Going overboard?” Arthur snickers and you lift your glass, lively concluding: “I’ll drink to that!”

He has no beverage so he snatches a beer bottle from a guy, inquiring:

“Did you touch this?”

“Not yet, sir.”

“It’s mine,” he clinks the container against yours and instructs: ”Here’s to going overboard; bottoms up!”

**************

“Look who’s home at 2 in the morning!” J criticizes when Y/N and Arthur show up in the living room at The Penthouse.

“I wasn’t aware we had a curfew!” your drinking buddy enunciates as you hide behind him, concealing your face in the soft fabric of his jacket.

You obviously thought your boyfriend would be in bed but nope, he waited for your victorious return.

“A-are you mad?” your slurred words dissipate in the air, closely followed by hiccups.

The Joker exhales, resigned: oddly enough he missed you, although you were absent for a whopping 5 hours and a half.

“No.”

“Oh my God!” you peek from beyond your human shield as if the opposite was stated. ”W-what are you gonna do?”

“You’ll see,” J finally takes his night meds: he postponed the remedy because he wanted to be awake for this magnificent after show.

“Oh my God!” you squeak, appalled. “W-what are you gonna d-do?” the repeated question prompts actual confessions:

“First, I’ll help you take a shower and brush your teeth…”

“Oh my God!” your eyes get big like this is the worst thing ever; the inebriated Y/N can’t connect the dots too well.

“Then we’ll have sex and I’ll be sweet; you won’t remember in the morning,” The Joker sneers.

“Oh my God!” you glare at Arthur completely dumbfounded, then at J, then at Arthur who’s sturdily holding your arm so you won’t fall.

“Stop teasing her!” he hisses.

“I’m literally replying to her quizzing.”

“W-what are you gonna do?” the plastered Y/N has to know again.

“This is your fault!” The Joker comes to grab you, exasperated. “I consider you responsible!”

“Cool,” Arthur proudly delivers his date to the rightful owner. “I’ll retreat to my room and leave you kids alone,” he waves and distances from the couple while blessing them: “By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you Nobody and Joker!”

“Shut the hell up!” his brother snaps, irritated at the persistent charade.

“You may kiss the bride!” Arthur mocks, positively not giving a crap about the rant: he’s an individual with a mission and won’t admit defeat that easily.

“Can you believe this shit?!” The Joker complains and shoves Y/N in one of the bathrooms downstairs. “Ewww, you smell like a distillery,” he rants while tugging on your clothes.

“Oh my God!” you whimper, distressed at his words.

“Ugghhh, you sound like a broken record!” The King of Gotham urges you to step in the shower and it doesn’t fail:

“Oh my God!”

“Seriously??!!” your actions skyrocket his blood pressure to unknown heights. “Take a break!”

“A-are you mad?” you stutter, the hot water making you even drowsier.

“I’m starting to be!!” he reprimands and you fakely sob since you can’t recall how to cry properly:

“W-what are you gonna do?”

The great Clown Prince of Crime huffs, convinced the universe unleashed you upon him to test his patience as punishment for past transgressions:

“Why me?!”

You rub your eyes and J turns off the water, bundling the intoxicated Y/N in a huge towel.

“Stupid helpless burrito,” he grunts and sweeps you off your feet, entirely done for the night.

Ahh, it sure feels nice and you bury your cheeks in his neck, burping in the process.

“Jesus!” he protests as you clumsily apologize:

“S-sorry baby…”

“I should push you off the balcony and be done with this ordeal!” he stumbles on the hallway, vexed.

The Joker really should have kept his opinion to himself since Pandora’s Box is automatically reopened.

“Oh my God!”

“I’m cursed,” the genuine declaration is accompanied by a soft kiss; despite the circumstances, The Joker is not that angry.

Arthur closes the door to his bedroom, delighted to have observed the scene:

“He kissed the bride,” the man inhales from the last cigarette of the day, flicking the bud out the window afterwards.

Also read: MASTERLIST

You can follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

#the joker x reader #the joker fanfiction #joker arthur fleck #arthur fleck x reader #the joker imagine #the joker jared leto #the joker #the joker suicide squad #joker #the joker joaquin pheonix #joker fanfiction #joker imagines #mister j #Mistah J #dc #dcu

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swiftlythebest · 5 years

Note

Can you write me a thing, a small thing, a taste of Levi and Nico doing a beach thing? 'Cuz I'm torn between thinking Levi's all in when it comes to the beach and Nico's seeing deathtraps, or the other way. Hugs and kisses, don't let a$$hoes with too much time and not enough brains get to you. 💕💕💕💕

Thank you thank you thank you. This prompt came to me in the midst of some anon hate bullshit a while back and really helped me. But I need to apologize for it taking SO LONG. I have no real excuse. But I’m starting my new job next week and I find that I like to write after a day of work to unwind, so I will be writing more. As for this ficlet, I just wanted to capture a nice, domestic day for Schmico. I personally saw Levi as the hesitant one just because my headcanon for Nico has him living in a lot of places with access to the beach. I’m a bit rusty, but I think it’s cute. I hope you enjoy!

Nico Kim and Levi Schmitt had just embarked on a long-awaited weekend trip away to a small beach town not too far from Seattle. They had had conflicting shifts for a while, what with Levi starting his first year of residency and Nico adjusting to being a full attending surgeon. After finagling two days off together, Nico immediately insisted they take a trip to the beach. He grew up on the East Coast, going to the Cape and Maine every summer, and then spent his med school and residency years in Southern California; Nico and the beach had a long and wonderful love affair, one that had been put on hold since he moved to Seattle.

“Listen, I love that you love the beach. I love that this trip is so special to you. But Nico, babe, the ocean is terrifying,” Levi was laying down his towel on the small beach, slowly beginning to panic about the day ahead. Even the sight of his beautifully toned, shirtless boyfriend did little to distract him from his worries. He truly was his mother’s son.

Nico gave a small laugh, “What’s so terrifying? I love the ocean!”

“Okay, first of all, riptide? That’s some crazy shit. I could go into the water here and get out like a mile away! And sharks. There are sharks in the ocean, Nico. And other creepy fish. Also, it’s so weird that basically no one knows what’s in like most of the ocean. You don’t find that terrifying?!”

While Levi was having his little breakdown, Nico had to bite down his smile, ridiculously endeared to his panicky boyfriend. Despite being one of the smartest people Nico had ever met, Levi was still a mess of nerves whenever he was put in a new situation. Levi had spent his whole life in the Pacific Northwest, not venturing much more west than Seattle, meaning he had never actually been to the beach. Sure, he’d visited some lakes in his life, but nothing as vast and unknown as the ocean.

“The riptide is almost nonexistent today. That’s what those flags and signs on the lifeguard station mean. Also, the last shark sighting here was like 20 years ago. You’re going to be fine. And this is just a small beach. Nothing too vast and mysterious here.” Nico knew it was important to acknowledge that Levi’s fears were valid, albeit a bit unrealistic, instead of just shooting it all down as crazy.

“What about the sun, hm? Skin cancer is real and dangerous, Nico! We’re doctors so we need to be aware of that!” Levi was waving his arms around frantically as he spoke, riling himself up more and more with each word.

Nico grabbed Levi’s flapping hands, drawing his attention back towards him. Levi’s face was bright red, his eyes comically wide.

“You put on almost a whole bottle of sunscreen. Like, SPF 70. You’ve done all you can for that. I just want to enjoy a day with you on the beach. We’ll get some hotdogs later and maybe some ice cream. You can read that book you’ve been wanting to finish. We can do that thing where people blatantly hit on me in front of you and then we kiss and watch their reactions. And I’ll be shirtless all day. I give you full permission to ogle.” Nico encircled his arms around Levi’s waist so they were chest to chest and Levi had to look up to meet his eyes. This kind of contact always seemed to calm Levi down and anchor him when he began to spiral.

“If a piece of seaweed touches my feet, I’m done. Taryn told me that she used to think they were eels or evil sea creatures or something,” Levi pouted, prompting Nico to give him a small peck on his jutted out lips.

“We can get out of the water right away and go searching for shells instead.” Levi’s face lit up, clearly just remembering that he could do other things on the beach that did not require him to go in the water.

“Oh, we could have those weird bowls of shells just randomly placed around our home! I love those because why! Also, I need you to step out of the ocean in slo-mo while ruffling your wet hair with your hand. I need that, Nico. For my poor little nerd heart.”

“And your dick. You just have a Baywatch fetish,” Nico smirked as Levi sputtered.

“What’s the point of going to the beach with my ridiculously hot boyfriend if I can’t get just one little Baywatch moment?” Nico threw back his head in a boisterous laugh, overjoyed that Levi was finally loosening up.

“We’ll see.” Nico winked as Levi huffed in mock indignation.

Ultimately, the beach day was a resounding success, with Levi having a great time body surfing and collecting way more shells than necessary. He did complain about the sand creeping into various crevices, but then Nico actually gave him the Baywatch moment he wanted and all complaints disappeared. Even though Nico had to fend off admirers for the rest of the day, it was worth it to see Levi’s utter joy at witnessing that moment. By the end of the day, Levi had to admit that maybe his reservations about the beach were a bit over the top and unfounded; that also didn’t stop him from repeating all of his fears the next day.

#schmico #schmico prompt #anonymous #asked and answered #nico and levi #levi x nico #levi schmitt x nico kim #nico kim and levi schmitt

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sirens-gemberry · 5 years

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You’ve Unlocked a Cutscene from “Soren Ren-egade Sharp”!

Continue?

>Yes

Warnings are for the following: Sexual Assault Implications, Alcoholism, and familial abuse. Stay wary farmers!

It’s been a solid six years since I started working at the corporation. The corporation. It’s been hell on earth itself to do. Joja Corporations, after all, is not the nicest place on earth to go to every single day. Today however, was particularly...different. That morning, I found myself getting a pounding headache, reaching towards my phone. My alarm was distinctly going off beside me, a blaring noise I quickly shut off with slightly trembling hands. Another day, another paycheck that may as well mean fuck-all by then. It’s not like I’d get out of here, and that idea always shook me to my core.. My brain was fuzzy, and I found myself briefly confused trying to remember the events of last night. “Nngh… Fuckin hell, my head...what’s the time? Hell- what date even is it?” I mused to myself, a hand gently reaching to ease the tension from my throbbing head. For a few moments, I sat there, still, before checking the date on my phone. Ah, February 15th. Spring was just a week or two away. With it, likely allergies and a painful amount of medication. I resisted the urge to groan at the thought, instead opting to lay there for a few moments and update what was happening in the online world. I hummed to myself, scrolling through my phone, and wondering what would come about today, before checking to make sure that everything was in order. ‘Homework assignments turned in, assessments turned into the big boss man at corporations yesterday...I should be fine today, so long as I don’t get dragged back off to his office…’ Ugh, the thought makes me shudder. I finally reach over and don my glasses, golden rimmed that I adjust with a sigh, before noting my laptop was beside me. My vision was still blurry though. ‘Oh, must’ve forgotten to put it away after that video game session last night. Oops.’ I sigh, setting the laptop aside and staring outside the window, white curtains letting small streams of sunlight in. The city was already busy to hell, cars rushing to and fro from and to work. Man...sometimes I wished the city was a nicer place, since I always loved the constant bustling and hustling...and maybe just a tad more quiet. But hey, we can’t always get what we want, no matter how hard we try...I swallow through a lump in my throat, slowly trying to will myself to not lay back down from the plague of exhaustion, and instead to just keep going- to keep moving. I had people depending on me, no matter how much I didn’t want to be productive some days. I had to keep going. So, I pushed myself out of bed, damn well near tripping along the way- a mental note to order a new prescription in the near future- before sighing and pressing my ear to the door. My parents could be faintly heard arguing to the side, which was nothing new. Those two have been doing that for as long as I can remember. It still aches my heart, though, to see a relationship come to pieces like that… It worried me for my own future, especially considering I was twenty-two and still living with my family. ‘It’s no wonder my sister wanted an out..’ I thought, sighing to myself with a sense of guilt plaguing my mind... ‘I really do miss her, sometimes…’ Still, I had to focus. Shaking my head out of it, I quickly go to get dressed, trying to hum to myself to distract the nostalgia clouding my thoughts. I had a feeling it was going to be a long day...

Sure enough, the day left me drained, and shaking. As I was walking home from work, I was far too close to a breakdown for my own good. I tried to steady my breathing, focusing on grounding myself rather than letting it consume me, but I kept just thinking the same things. It was disgusting...and there was a lingering sense of a seething hate for myself as I had walked home that evening. I hated work, and I hated my boss… He always did unspeakable things to me, and my body, that I never wanted. Never consented to. He didn’t care though, and that’s what hurt the most. I was nothing to him.. Everything felt like it was burned, and I could already see bruises imprinting themselves into my wrists. When I got home, my father was out at the time, leaving me alone with my mother. The thought made me cringe. Truth be told, I wasn’t paid enough to get my own place and get the hell out of here. At this point, it felt like I’d never escape...I just wanted an escape. But it felt hopeless. My mother scowled upon seeing me, noting the likely bruises that have begun to flower over my skin. I impulsively pulled my jacket up to cover the marks, even if they were already spotted. “Well, looks like you had fun at ‘work’ today, huh?” She said curtly, walking over and using my jaw to forcefully tilt my head to the side, examining each hickey that lined the side. I muffle a soft whine from the pain of the force. “You really are just your boss’s toy, aren’t you? Of course you are, you’re not even competent enough to do your work correctly.” “Can you please not do this today?... It’s been a long day, I just need something to drink.” I replied, unable to keep my voice from trembling slightly. I was so tired of this same bullshit, day in and day out. She’s always like this, and I was never enough for her. Nothing I did was enough for anyone, and it left me feeling awful at the end of the day. Out of reflex, I flinch when I felt her hand come into swift contact with my cheek, sending me tumbling into the wall next to me, and nearly falling onto the floor. “Don’t talk to your mother like that, missy!” She said firmly, “You will not have attitude in this house!” “B-But...I’m not...I’m not even giving y-you an attitude…” I mutter, swallowing away the lump of fear in my throat, threatening to consume any breath I had. Slowly, I got back to stable footing and giving a shaky sigh. I needed to get back to my room, or I’d definitely get my ass handed to me. “M-May I please go to my room, mother?” I asked softly, trying to keep my shaking hands behind my back. She gives a curt nod. “Maybe you’ll think about what you’ve done that way. Now go. I’ll lock the door next time you come home to a bruised neck.” She said firmly, before I quickly nod and skitter out of the room, making sure to grab one of the bottles from the fridge before headed into my own room to lay down.

I quickly changed into a small nightgown, it feeling too warm in the room to wear anything else. I just wanted nothing else but to let the world fade away, until I couldn’t tell up from down. My stomach groaned in protest, but I shook my head, instead sitting down on my bed and looking at the bottle’s label. Just some off-branded weird beer my father got. I preferred scotch, but frankly, it was probably wiser that I didn’t have anything stronger. No food with too much alcohol is especially dangerous, so I’ve heard. So, I quickly downed most of the bottle before setting it to the side and laying down with a shaky sigh. The few friends I have, have started getting concerned, like Ophelia. They were such a sweetheart, I really didn’t deserve having a friend like them. They’ve tried to get me to stop drinking, and to eat more, but I always politely declined. I was a bit on the overweight side anyway, it wouldn’t exactly hurt. Everything was fine. I had things in control. After several minutes of laying there, staring outside the window and wondering what to do with the rest of my night. I hum to myself, eventually sitting up to grab a small journal from underneath my laptop. Maybe I’d write a little bit, a few poems just to get through the night so I can continue being useful to other people… So that’s what I did, keeping my body hunched over the journal as I wrote for a while, and letting each word ring true through the pages. I was so passionate about so many things, so many creative, lovely, amazing things...But almost no one cared. Sometimes, I wished someone would care. But that’s okay. It doesn’t make a difference to society anyway, so why should it matter to others? I sigh, and look up to the ceiling, looking towards my phone. My sister would likely still be awake at this hour, and she hasn’t called in a while. ‘No wonder, I’m already a pain in the ass as it is without bothering her while she’s been away.’ I thought to myself, but still picking up the phone and setting the journal aside. “...Still. I should check up on her, just to make sure everything’s okay.” I spoke to myself in a soft, somber tone, “I might not be the older sibling, but I do have to be responsible for her, too. I have to look out for her. It’s what I wanna do.” Still, I hesitated briefly, feeling a wash of dizziness nearly encapsulate me. Fuck, I really should’ve remembered the effects a lack of food will do on an inebriated body. I sigh, reaching over and grabbing the bottle, before taking the last few sips from it and setting it aside once again, and pressing to call her number on my phone. I laid back down, pressing the phone to my ear and listening to it ring….ring….and ring some more. Eventually, she answered. “Ren? Jeez, man, do you know what time it is? Don’t you have work tomorrow?” Then there’s a notable tense pause, “Nothin’ bad’s going on, is there?” “N-no, no, not at all. I know it’s kind’ve late, n’m’ sorry for that.” I muttered quietly, staring emptily up at the ceiling as I listened for my sister’s response. “Dude, are you drunk again? What the hell have you been up to lately?” Ah, that figures. I can never seem to keep a solid normal tone when I was a bit tipsy. I felt a cringe grace my features, before mustering through my embarrassment to speak up again. “Y-Yeah. Just out a bit too often lately.” I lied through my teeth, though, either way. I didn’t want her to really know that this...well, alcohol problem I’ve been developing was from my own spiral into suicide. It’s been like that for four years already, anyway. I didn’t want to admit that this was going to be my end, to myself or to others. “...I guess….” She didn’t believe me, not by any regard, but it was likely she was too tired to question it, before continuing. “Anyway, I guess things have been okay. I moved again, after work not quite...well, working out. I needed something new, and something new to work on.” Yasmine explained, and I sat up a bit out of curiosity. “You moved? Where to, man?” Man, what can happen within two years… “Ah, it’s this little Valley town area. You know that envelope grandpa gave me before he passed?” Yasmine continued after a small moment. From the sounds of it, she sounded at least a bit excited about it. “Yeah, of course.” “Apparently it was the deed to the ol’ man’s old farm. So I’m living there now. It’s okay, I guess. I do kinda miss the city on occasion, but eh. I visit often.” Yasmine continued, and I felt my throat catch at something that came to mind. ‘This could be your escape. All it takes is to ask..’ ‘I couldn’t ask, that’s selfish...especially with how often she went off about how she just wanted to get away from me...‘ I reminded myself, before snapping out of it when my sister spoke up again. “Ren? Ren, are you still there?” She asked, slightly curious. “Ah-! Yeah, Yeah, I’m here. Just thinkin’...” I replied, giving a sheepish grin, and nervously looking away to fiddle with the strings of the nightgown. “...Is everything okay?” She asked a moment later, curiosity further shown in her tone. She’s known how our family is, but she didn’t know just how bad things at work were getting on top of it. How bad everything was getting on top of it. “Yeah, I’m...I’m okay. You know how it is with mother and father, ahah. It’s...I’m fine.” I stuttered a bit as I spoke, trying to at least feign my stability, even if it was being held up with the strength of hopes and toothpicks.... “Ren…” Hope and toothpicks, what can I tell ya, “Are you sure? I mean, I’m your sister. I’m supposed to at least know if something’s wrong…” I fell quiet, feeling a small surge of emotion flicker through my aching heart. My sister wasn’t exactly the nicest person on the planet, but she at least did always try to protect me. She protected the both of us for as long as she could, until she went off to college. I took college online, if only because I function better on the computer, rather than with other people.

I tried muffling a soft sniffle behind the palm of my hand, tempted to hang up the phone before everything would come crashing down, before Yasmine sighed softly. “Hey, no crying now, okay? Just take a breath, and tell me what’s up, okay?” I take a shaky breath, trying to find my mental footing again, before laying back down and hugging one of the pillows on my bed to my chest. “Yeah, I’m good. I’m not gonna cry on you now..” I mutter softly, managing a small laugh after a moment, before feeling my gaze flicker from my wall, to my sheets, as I spoke. “...I’m so tired of being here, Yazzy. Work is so stressful it makes me want to yank my hair out, my friends are all concerned because I keep showing up with bruises on my face, and I feel kinda…” I trailed off, the word I was going to say slipping out of my brain’s grasp. My sister catches on though, and sighs. “Trapped?” “...Yeah.” A silence falls over the line, as we both contemplate what I said with a heavy air in the room. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything...she might just call me a crybaby again, or laugh at me, or something..’ I couldn’t help but think to myself, my grip around the pillow tightening with each thought, ‘What if she just thinks I’m weak..?’ For a few minutes, this continued, with me constantly being too tempted to hang up the phone, and biting my lip to a point I tasted iron in my mouth. It was then I finally spoke up. “Yas…?” “Still here, just...thinking about somethin’.” She throws my excuse back into my face, and I resist the urge to sigh in mild irritation. “Should I call back?” I asked, and I heard her hum in disagreement. “Nah, just give me a minute.” I hear as she sets the phone down, getting up and grabbing something. There’s undistinguished murmuring of my sister for a few minutes like this, as I stir in my thoughts. Maybe I shouldn’t have called, if all she’s going to be concerned about is me..

“M-Maybe I should just go, I’m probably just tired and-” “Ren.” “-when I’m tired you know I never really think straight-” “Ren.” “-but hey maybe we should talk again soon in the future when I’m in the right mindspa-” “REN!” Her shouting jostles me from my rambling, feeling pink heat my cheeks, before muttering a skittish ‘...Y-Yeah?’ into the receiver. There was a notable pause, as if she wasn’t sure if she should even say what she was about to say, before she spoke with an air of confidence into the phone. “Two weeks. Pack your bags, and get on the next bus down here. Okay?” “Huh-?!” Before I could even ask what she exactly meant by her words, the line went dead. I was left staring blankly at my phone for a few minutes, trying to process what the hell just happened. Eventually, I sighed, setting my phone down with a yawn. I shouldn't think on it too hard right now. My brain would just kill itself trying to wrap itself around her words. ‘I’ll ask her about it tomorrow… If this is even what she wants.’

We discussed things later on that morning, before I had to go into work-- the damn woman sounded like she didn’t even sleep that night-- as I was getting dressed. It was almost surreal, but the deal was made. She’d let me work with her there, on the farm, until I got my college degrees and found a job elsewhere that’d be better suited for me. Least, that was the plan. I had two weeks to get everything prepared before headed over, where she’d meet up with me at the bus stop. For the first time in a long time, I was genuinely excited when I went into work. If only because of what I knew I had to do. IE; slam that name-tag of mine into one of the bosses’ faces. Metaphorically, unfortunately. One can dream, after all. I put in my two week leave notice, before returning to my work. The bosses all seemed appalled, and threatened me, but I shrugged them off, as I walked back to my desk that morning. Things seemed to finally be looking up, and I couldn’t be more excited! Just the hope that things could be different for me, left my shoulders light. But honestly, I should have known that they wouldn’t drop the conversation that easily. My bosses weren’t one to take no for an answer, especially not from ‘breathing fleshlights’ like myself. Ugh. Those guys grossed me out, with how they spoke to me… But that didn’t matter now. I could finally move forward with my life. I could finally breathe again.

It must have been a few days before I would officially move out, when I headed into work one morning with a small pep in my step. I greeted the other co-workers, and headed to grab the work I did from yesterday to put into the input bin. “Sharp!” My boss’s voice yelled over the crew, and I immediately flinched and near dropped the papers. “My office, now!” ‘Shit… What did I even do this time!?’ I swore to myself silently, shaking my head and setting the papers aside, taking as slow strides as possible to delay the inevitable. When the door closed behind me, I paled a bit with a bit of grimace when I find my boss locked the door after it shut. “Uhh...I-Is everything alright, Boss…?” I managed to stutter, trying to force a smile onto my face that never came, before slowly laughing and rubbing my arm awkwardly. The blouse I had worn that morning awkwardly shifts around my form, as I try to avoid eye contact as soon as possible. Eyes dart between the uncomfortably feminine shirt, to the dark blue floor below. “I figured, Ms. Sharp… since you’ll be moving on to a new job in a few weeks, that I should offer you one last bonus, for all the hard work you’ve done..” My boss explained, causing me to give a rough gulp. I knew that tone, and I also knew his ‘bonuses’ weren’t very good… Or rather, I never had a choice in the matter. Still, I shook my head. “I-I’m fine, S-sir…” I mumbled sheepishly, trying to reach behind me to unlock the door- even when I knew it wouldn’t budge, “I-I’ll pass…” The sneer on his face widened, getting closer to my face until I could feel his breath against my cheek. I forced myself to not shudder at the contact. “I insist, dear. After all, you deserve the best after working for Joja Corporations for so, so long…” “I s-said...I said no.” I stated, more firmly. I don’t know why I bothered protesting anymore, he still did what he wanted regardless, and no one would believe me if I told anyone. It’s why I haven’t told anyone yet. My Boss, Mr. Langarb as he was called, laughed. He laughed, and I felt my arm begin shaking with the urge to smack the shit out of him. I kept it to myself though. I couldn’t get myself fired before my leave, that’d ruin my job applications later on in life. It didn’t take long for the anger to pass though, as the next thing I knew, my hands were above my head, held tightly in one fist. The other was quickly roaming, roaming, and tearing away at the blouse until it actually did tear. ‘Shit!’ I swore to myself, shaking my head and trying to pull myself free from his grip. But, I’m not that strong. I never have been, mentally or physically. “Now, you’ll see what happens when you say no to me, do you understand, Laila?” His words hissed in my ear, as I kept my head turned away from his. “L-let me go…I-I’ll report you to the police, I’ll let everyone know what a skeeze you are!” I retort, trying to keep my voice from trembling. Further fear kept its chain on my heart, as I saw that a few of the other bosses- from different sectors of the area- watched, and slowly started to approach as well. Langarb laughed, grabbing my chin and forcing my head to look at him. “You’re so funny sometimes, Sharp. You don’t get it yet, do you? No one will ever respect, or trust you. No one will believe a whore who can’t keep her mouth shut.” He spat back at me, as I scowled darkly at him, starting to kick and trying to hit something, but missing each and every time. I really needed some self-defense classes, god damnit. Still, the predatory looks in each and every one of the eyes I felt on my tiny form only caused a sense of nausea as I was pulled back, only to be slammed back into the wall hard- getting me to stop squirming. “So go ahead. Speak all you want. Your choices don’t matter. You’re alone in this.” He whispered in my ear harshly, before pulling me back once more and shoving me into the crowd of perverted managers behind him.

Later that night, I stared emptily at the wall. I had been laying there, on my side with my knees curled into my chest, for what seemed like hours now. Every couple minutes, I just found myself hurling whatever I could when I thought about what happened that morning. His parting words before I left for the evening being stuck and glued in my mind.

‘’You’ll never find anyone who treats me as well as I do, Sharp. Remember that. No one would ever love you the way I do.’’

I shuddered, violently, trying to will the memory beyond the fog that’s kept me distant all night since. I swallowed down the bile threatening to come back up again, rolling onto my other side and staring outward, towards the dresser. “How could I let that happen….augh, dumbass…” I swore to myself, shaking my head. ‘This wouldn’t have happened if I had done something different...Or maybe I shouldn’t have taken Yasmine’s deal to begin with…’ But in the end, it all circled back to how tired I was. Tired physically, mentally, emotionally. Everything felt unbearably numb, between the bruises along my side and the tears beginning to make a new set of tear tracts down my face. Ophelia kept blowing up my phone, asking if I was okay. I hadn’t spoken all evening, unlike the normal. She was so worried, and that sickened me even more. ‘I don’t want to worry anyone when I get there… I want to show my sister how capable I can be, and can become. When I move there, I’m going to do my damndest to not let anyone treat me that way.’ I thought to myself, before closing my eyes to try and stop the blur of tears in my vision. ‘...But what if he’s right? Who would love me for me? I don’t even love me for me…’ My thoughts kept conflicting themselves. I found myself unable to sleep that night, nor the nights after, as I tried to chew through my own self doubt, in which would never fade.

The next few days went by in a dull blur, as I didn’t even bother myself with going into work until the last day. I got hounded for it, but I just...couldn’t escape the numb feeling. It ached, dully, in my heart. I just was waiting to escape, to get the weight away from my shoulders. But, nothing prepared me for when the day had arrived. Ophelia saw me off, dark hair covering their light brown eyes, and I was near squished in a giant hug. “Hey now, you better be doing some great things out there, Renny!” They told me, and I gave a small cough. “Ophelia...please...can’t breathe-” I struggled through a small laugh and gasps of air. They let me down a moment later, giggling. “Sorry, sorry.” “It’s alright. Your hugs are probably the best.” I noted with a giggle, rubbing my arm- which was now sore from being squished. “Awh, Renny!” “Don’t start.” I instantly quipped in, jokingly pointing their way with a laugh. They burst out laughing as well, a melody that fills the bus terminal. I smile quietly, hugging them tightly in return with a small squeak like sound. They’ve been my best friend since high school, and moving away after we’ve been close to each other for so long almost tore my heart to shreds. “I’m gonna miss you, though, too, Pheli.” I went on to say, “Don’t you forget about me.” Ophelia smiled, not even phased by how tight my hug might’ve been, instead gently patting my back and hugging me again in return. “I would never. You know that, Ren. You’re going to be the best person you can be, I can feel it. Just...make sure to call, okay?” Ophelia’s voice began to break at the end of her spiel, and I look up to see the tears in her eyes, dropping into her glasses. “Hey, now...don’t cry. I’ll call every night, okay?” I felt my own eyes begin to water, pulling back a bit to press a platonic smooch to their cheek, “I better get going, bus is gonna pull up any minute now. I’ll be seeing you, alright?” I step back a bit, letting Ophelia dry their eyes a bit and nod. “Yeah, don’t wanna miss your bus, you bi idiot…” They mumble with a shake of their head. I laugh, shaking my head. “See ya, you gay bastard!” I quickly wave behind me, scooping my bag over my shoulder before taking off further into the terminal. I faintly heard them call out a ‘See you later!’ behind me as I took off. About 30 some minutes later, I kept my gaze outside the window of the bus, as it headed off, staring at the city as it passed...Jeez, I took the bus so many times- mostly to get to and from work or other places, since I didn’t drive- but I never thought… That there would be a last time as someone who lives in the city. I smile to myself, despite having to quickly wipe away the tears in my eyes once again. I’d miss the city, if I was entirely honest. I loved the bustling and hustling, and the constant never-ending stream of activities that was provided. Every week there was some new trend to try, or something interesting to partake in. Yet, I was never happy living in the city. ‘I’ll need to come back and visit Ophelia sometime...I’m sure they’ll appreciate a good visit.’ I thought to myself, yawning quietly. Damnit, fuck motion sickness. I don’t remember what it was called, however, but it was basically a degree of motion sickness where it tires out the patient, rather than making them nauseous. Just another reason to keep me away from the driver’s wheel at all costs. I kept my bag held close to my chest, staring out the window with a soft sigh. ‘I hope things’ll be different soon…’ I thought to myself, before I ended up dozing off to sleep.

I woke up when I heard a sudden hiss in my ear, my shoulder being shaken. “Ren? Ren, wake up you idiot-!” I blinked my eyes a bit, left over exhaustion making everything feel disoriented. I look over, to where my sister was leaning over beside me, before shaking her head, “Good grief, you weren't waking up before. C’mon.” She stood up a bit straighter, motioning for me to follow her off, “Grab your bags and let’s get moving. It’s a little later than normal, so we’ll be starting off again in the morning.” I nod a bit, my brain still fuzzy from the ride over, before slowly getting to my feet and slinging my bag over my shoulder, before quickly following her off...and instantly reeling because ew sun. “Ah-!” I cover my face for a few moments before letting my hands slowly fall back to their sides. “Easy, it’s bright. Trust me, I don’t like it either.” Yasmine went on to say, before giving a proper pat to my shoulder, “You’ll get used to it though.” I nod a bit, taking a moment to appreciate that my sister was still wearing a black Legend of Zelda t-shirt and a pair of capris. Plus, she smiled at me. I couldn’t quite make out if it was genuine, or a forced one- I never could quite guess with her- before she laughed a bit and shook her head. “Dude, you look like you’re looking at an alien.” She said with a raise of the brow, “You good?” “Yeah...yeah, it’s just been a while. It’s good to see you sis.” I reply, trying to shake the fuzz out of my head until my head manages to clear out a bit more to focus on everything else around me. Looking around, I found myself giving a half smile at the environment around me, bright and green and just the perfect photo opportunity for the first day of spring. I found myself unable to form words, simply taking a moment to catch my breath and come to realize that this...was really happening. This was real. This was what my life would be now, if only for a little while. My sister took a few steps ahead of me, looking back to me with a teasing smirk, likely knowing that this was exactly how I’d react. I was an easy person to read, on the surface of my personalities. Sometimes she calls me the ‘walking cliche.’ Still though, her smile faded to a more relaxed grin, before chuckling as I looked back to her. Without even faltering, she makes a small gesture around her, before turning and walking off with parting words- leaving me to scramble behind her.

“Welcome to Stardew Valley, kid. Cmon, we’ve got some work to do.”

#;;Ren Sharp #;;Pidge's Things #;;Yas Sharp #I should tag the original story #;;Storyline #;;save file: 1 #...I asked some friends which one i should post and they said no angst but uh #98% of these do in sOME FORM??/#Oops :'D #Creame's gonna murder me <3

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mimimariet · 5 years

Text

month 3

Not really documenting how my meds are affecting me or anything anymore. (Just did a 1 week review LOL) Cause I’m still in depressive slumps. Though now it’s like. I’ll be a manic piece of shit during work and I come home and I’m immediately depressed. This has been going on for the last 2 weeks, almost 3. I’m wondering if theres more to me than I think there is? I’m questioning my own brain now. I know my home is a toxic environment and work is just a good distraction but my god it’s soooooooooooooooo fucking annoying going back to how I was MONTHS PRIOR to this medication. I am fully aware I need a doctor in the psych field. To actually better treat my bipolar and shit. I always mention how the last time it went i was seeing a dude who would tell me I’d amount to nothing and live under the bridge I should walk over cause I was obese.

Y’know my meds now made me put on 10 pounds. My diet.. hasn’t changed. I had consistently stayed 166 for MONTHS and 2 months into this medication I’ve put on 10 pounds.

And I’m still emotionally fucking unstable and of course I’m terrified of losing the people I hold dear to me. Which. Isn’t a lot. But still. Cause it fucking happened before. “Oh I love you, your mental health won’t scare ME off!” And then you vanished, weird. I’m having deja vu.

The things I’ve noticed:

My mania is more apparent and holy shit am I annoying, my mom should’ve aborted me.

My energy is really weird.

I sleep heavily instead of lightly ? I guess. Cause it makes you sleep. So. Eh.

Optimistic at weird times.

I’ve become a little more socially inclusive whereas I was becoming extremely exclusive / isolated.

Things that seem to remain the same:

Crying every night over my own agony when I know it could be worse but my brain keeps telling me to just fucking die and reminds me of every bad interaction I’ve had with people and how my life is literally stagnant.

I am emotionally draining and I don’t know why people associate with me at all. I’m no one of high importance, I know my worth, but I’m reminded I should really fucking get a grip and stop believing that. I do know my qualities as a person: I’m fun, high energy and loving. I’m also bitter and really fucking cold when there’s been nothing on the receiving end. Which.. you know.. is when it’s time to cut out people. Really. I rather avoid any unnecessary drama. I know there’s no way to actually say “hey, I’m leaving. Don’t be mad, it’s just me. Not you. I’m still here though.” I have enough drama in this household. Life is just weird ? Like. My homes toxic. Not only mentally but jesus this house is DISGUSTING. Florida is SHITTY IN GENERAL. The people here.. god bless them.

I’ve been nothing but stressed. And terrified I’m gonna lose people from me just.. always being depressed. Reaching out all “hey i’m here if you need me” like that really doesn’t do anything for me and I’m sorry but it’s useless. I don’t really need a pep talk or a reminder either. I just need to get a grip. I just wanna be happy but I’ll never achieve that.

On top of that I worry about my love life. I know people love me and ooohh my amazing qualities ^_^ but I feel like.. I’ll never find someone who will just look at me and go “ABSOLUTELY. MINE. THE BEST. I LOVE U. WED ME.” and be comfortable with me and work with my fuckery (and my hideousness cause I’ll never be happy with whomst I see in the mirror..). I’m nooooooooot looking for anyone though. Also have trust issues. Thumbs up. (I fall in love pretty quickly, but I’ll neeever do dating sites or the such.)

GUESS I’VE NEVER REALLY LEARNED HOW TO COPE OR LET GO OF ANYTHING. I’ll hold a grudge and a heartbreak til I fucking DIE cause I’m just that unstable.

At the same time though, when people go on about never finding someone I’ll say “hey, you really don’t need anyone to live a fulfilling life. Love yaself” or some bullshit I spew. Like. I rather be alone. HOWEVER I CAN’T. CAUSE I NEED SOMEONE. I’m very.. ugh. I’m not clingy. I’m clingy but I’m not. I just want someone to claim and be claimed. I’m very devoted when I’m in love. Since for whatever reason people wanna say “clingy is toxic / abusive behavior” cool thanks I’m not abusive.. maybe a little toxic. I can’t be perfect all the time. I keep my fucking mouth shut don’t I? Not really.

I just wanna be coddled and properly loved. I’ve.. not really ever had that. Everything was restricted. I hate being touched but god damn it I wanna be held lmao. I wanna be comfortable.

With myself and with someone.

My faith is so extremely low and the other bit of all this is my focus on my art and my comics and blah blah It’s taking me So Long to DO ANYTHING. I’d step down to part time at my job but I’d lose my AMAZING BENEFITS. (my 5% discount at doctors offices cause I’ve limited travel! Lol! It cost me nearly $300 just to talk to someone about the meds I’m on and am almost out of! I still owe $100!!!! I tossed the bill out!!!!!!!!!!!) I need the full time hours especially if I want to move out of here. I’m stuck. I’M STUCK. I’m fucking STUCK. I don’t DRIVE YET. Lifes expensive and bitch I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

Things I’m fully aware of: I’m worth something, I have value and importance, I need to find actual help, I need to take the steps necessary for some healing process, I need to be on more than just 1 thing to keep my stable, I need to find balance and a system I can work with, I need to eat better and sleep better (Even tho my energy is very lunar fueled.) I can’t stress about the unknown, I need to do the scary things.

I don’t have an issue with opening up and vulnerability, I just get really embarrassed that I’m like this and I fucking breakdown crying when I do. Like. I can go on about everything in the book. Actually using my vocal cords for such a thing.. not entirely impossible.. Just extremely difficult.

Why even make things public? Hm? What’s the good in that? You’re just bitching for attention on the internet. No one needs to know about this! My aunt inquiring why, when I am 24 years old and am allowed to do as I fucking please.

Mental health is such a.. gently brushed on topic by a lot people and very focused on by a select few others. Acknowledgement is very important in this day and age. As a reminder to others looking, you’re not alone. Be it bipolar or bpd or PTSD etc etc.. When I was 13-17, no one was saying shit other than my doctor talking shit about me being useless. So y’know, 24 years old, still very much so struggling but still surviving. It hurts. It sucks. Eventually it’ll get better. I know on the internet it looks like everyones queer and sad which probably so, but it’s a little comforting to know that you’re not the only sad bitch. Cause you go about your business in a world where people just emit neurotypical behaviors and don’t understand, look at you like you’re a crackhead cause you’re manic af. Hello. Hi. It’s me you’re talking about.

Anyway, I’m not happy and I want to be happy. Being some nightly ritual of crying alone in your bed.. Is sooooooooooo exhausting..

#the bipolar

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spiteandalice · 6 years

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Judas Touch pt. 7

So, uhm? Anyone still interested in this? Let me know if you want to be tagged in future, random surprise installments. I’m not even going to tag anyone in this because yeah. Embarrassing long time is embarrassing.

This still contains language and smut and violence, although this chapter only needs a nudity warning. Sorry. No smut. But angry, vengeful Eric. Yay!

Here are the previous chapters, if you need a refresher. Of course you do, it’s been forever and a day.

PART ONE PART TWO PART THREE PART FOUR PART FIVE PART SIX

The next morning it feels like the entire Faction is playing War Games inside my head and my mouth feels like I have spent the entire night sucking on some sweaty wool socks. The thought makes me gag, which in turn has me contemplate crawling into the bathroom to get this misery over with. But that would entail getting up, which I’m less inclined to do now that I noticed my exact position. I’m pleasantly warm, thanks to the fact that Eric turned up the heat last night and because he is half on top of me, arms on both sides of my body, one leg slung over me as if he is trying to shield me from ricocheting bullets. Which I can assure you are not an imminent danger even under the worst circumstances, but still.

Trying to ignore the pounding in my head I begin to trace the lines of the ridiculous maze tattoo on his right arm, letting my thoughts wander. When was I this drunk last? Probably while still in school when this older guy told us he had an awesome connection to a few Amity who were distilling their own alcohol in a shed behind the house.

That was the night I learned not to trust anyone with the last name Pedrad.

Eric stirs and stretches languidly, which pushes his hips against me in the best kind of ways, both reminding me of my current state of undress and a certain pressure at the base of my spine that may or may not demand attention.

When I finally arrive in the real world Eric is smirking at me in that annoyingly attractive way that he has, undoubtedly enjoying my miserable state. Before he can start to goad me and ruin both our days my mouth decides to go ahead and shock us both.

“So, I’ve been thinking. I guess I could marry you.”

Leave it to me to accept his less than usual and rather unenthusiastic proposal in an even less enthusiastic way because apparently we are still competing for who cares less about the other. But he did take care of me during my embarrassing breakdown last night, which makes him the only person on this planet that has seen me this weak since I was six and got really sick. It’s either kill him or marry him, with the latter being the only logical option because the sex is way too good to waste his life like that. I’m allowed to be selfish, I didn’t get Abnegation for a reason. Well, many reasons but this is definitely one of them.

Eric frowns at me, undoubtedly watching me for any hints that point at me joking while he processes the information. It’s unnerving, because I suddenly think that maybe he wasn’t really serious, that he was merely joking and now I went ahead and made myself look like an even bigger idiot than usual, especially after last night. I mean, he saw me bawl my eyes out, sort of. Not very attractive, right. Maybe I’ll be going to the bathroom after all, if I drink a bottle of his aftershave that should be enough to kill me, right.

Then he shifts and positions himself between my legs, his face right in front of mine. He still looks strangely blank, calculating away with his damn Erudite brain that I will smash out of his skull with his damn bedside lamp in mere seconds. Then I see a spark of humor in his eyes and I swear, if he taunts me now he is so dead…

“Are you sure you’re not still drunk, if I call Max he will want to meet with both of us and if there’s so much as a hint of you not being of sound mind…”

I reach out to punch his face but it lacks any power because I’m buried underneath him, there isn’t much room to really get speed going and because I’m also feeling strangely weak and tired, almost as if someone has sucked all life out of my body.

“I swear, Eric, if you don’t stop behaving like an asshole…” I grit out between clenched teeth, before I stop myself. Because he’s chuckling. That pompous asshole has the audacity to laugh at me!

“You know that he might actually shed a tear, right. He’s been dreaming about this.”

“Shut the fuck up, Eric. I’m changing my mind already.”

He chuckles again and dips his head down to bite at my neck, which is familiar territory and a lot more acceptable than this talking bullshit. My hand finds purchase in his hair, which is, to my pure and utter delight, free of any styling products and ready to be messed with. My fingers clench into a fist, trapping a chunk of curls between them and he growls - again, to my delight. My attempt to get out from underneath him by flipping us over is thwarted but I didn’t actually, really try because the pressure inside me is intensifying and Eric seems to instinctively pick up on that, he grinds his hips against me and the little bit of friction is enough to distract me. There is something to be said about making out in the morning, still somewhat sleepy and slow, and it helps distract me from the fact that I completely embarrassed myself last night.

Just as he slowly lifts up my leg to position himself there is a knock on the door, actually more of a persistent pounding with a fist that we both ignore because it’s not even six in the morning and we’re dead to the world. Or rather, the world is dead to us. To my dismay it doesn’t stop, it just gets louder and faster until it sounds like someone is actually kicking the door and Eric growls, pushes himself off the bed and hastily pulls on a pair of pants that do very little to hide what we were about to do. Combined with his messy hair, his naked torso and the patented death glare he looks downright edible and I decide to stay right where I am until he has drop kicked the intruder into the chasm and we can pick up where we left off.

Judging by the tone of his voice the chances of that are dwindling rapidly.

Two minutes later he comes back with an expression promising murder and mayhem, which is my second favorite after the one promising sex and right now that is the only one I really want to see. For a moment he gets my hopes up when he pulls his pants down, but only to stomp into the bathroom and take a quick shower. I guess that is my cue to get up as well and I decide to head into the kitchen to get the coffee going, not bothering to put on any clothes since I will take a shower in approximately two minutes because Eric is very efficient when I’m not distracting him.

The sound of a throat clearing somewhere behind me nearly has me drop the mug I just pulled out of the cupboard and I slowly turn around to see Four leaning against the wall by the door, trying his very best not to look even in my general direction.

“Good morning, sunshine,” I say loudly, deciding that now is not the time to run back into the bedroom like some embarrassed teen. I look like hell, my hair's a mess, there’s bruises everywhere and well, I’m naked, which could be the main source of his discomfort. Because you never quite lose certain traits of your Faction of origin and he is so obviously a Stiff that I’m surprised that most people don’t see it. “This has to be important if they send you here and Eric didn’t kill you for rudely interrupting us.”

There’s the hint of a smirk on his face that I can only see because Four hasn’t turned his head all the way to the opposite wall. Fucking hell, that guy needs to loosen up already, he’s been here for years.

“Factionless attacked a patrol squad right around where they took you, he wanted to know the moment anything happened in that sector so. Here I am.”

All thoughts of morning workouts in bed, showering, even breakfast are suddenly very unappealing to me. Without a word I head back towards the bedroom and bump right into Eric who is in the process of pulling a shirt over his carefully made up head. It’s astonishing how quickly he can get his hair into that odd shape, considering how it looked awfully curly just moments ago. When his head appears again through the hole in the fabric he raises an eyebrow at me.

“Not sure how I feel about my wife parading around naked in front of the Stiff.”

I smile the fakest smile I have ever smiled and pat his arm, making sure to slap the exposed skin hard enough to leave a red spot.

“I’m sure you’ll figure that out by the time I actually become your wife. Make sure you don't get any silly ideas about telling me what to do though, that knife in your throat would hurt like a bitch. Oh, coffee is ready.”

It takes five minutes to shower and get dressed, when I get back they have left already but it’s not like I don’t know where I will find them. So I grab my coffee and make my way to the control room, seeing two whole people on my way there. This getting up early business stinks worse than Amity.

Eric and Four are hunched over a screen, their voices barely audible over the chaos that has swept up the usually tranquil place and that is not helping my headache at all. I step over to them, barely avoiding another fucking Pedrad and if he had spilled my coffee I would have had no choice but to spill his blood. I swear, this family is like a pack of extremely annoying rats.

Four turns around at the sound of my swearing and waves me over, his expression suitable for an Abnegation funeral. Eric looks like a dog that has scented something delicious and vulnerable so I have at least an idea what might await me. He makes room for me as Four zooms in on a still of the surveillance footage they were looking at, honing in on a tall man with long, shaggy hair. There is no need for questions, even if their faces hadn't told me everything I needed to know, that ugly mug has been in enough of my nightmares.

“It's him.”

I haven't even uttered the second word when Eric springs into action, barking at a few waiting soldiers to gear up and get the rest of their team if they don't want a lifetime of night shifts at the fence. Before he leaves he turns towards me and smirks.

“Told you. Guess you'll have to talk to Max by yourself. I'll be back this afternoon.”

I know better than to protest, time is running out and I'm in no shape to go back out there again. Going against all better judgement I grab the front of his vest and pull him towards me for a kiss, which has nothing to do with the knowledge that he will be facing the guy that held me captive very, very shortly.

“You better get back in one piece. If I’m forced to marry anyone else in this shitbucket we might as well blow up the entire compound right now.”

With a sardonic smirk Eric closes the distance between us, kisses me in a way that has me on my toes with tangled up insides within seconds, and leaves me with a slap on the ass. Not another word is spoken, and I watch him saunter off, barking orders.

“So it’s actually true. We’re all so fucked.”

I whip around and glower at Zeke, but before I can unleash my fury on the kid Four slides into view, pointing at the door. “Max wants to see you, if you hurry you can get back here and watch, I’ll get you more coffee.”

He would make such a great mother, it’s not even funny. Speaking of, I have been ignoring several messages from mine, and I guess I’ve been back for a while and haven’t talked to her yet. We have not had the best relationship a mother and daughter could have. Muttering a few curses about the overall unfair state of the universe I spin around and stomp out of the room, pointedly ignoring Pedrad and his buddies moaning about the impending end of our world.

#eric divergent #eric dauntless #eric divergent fanfiction #eric dauntless fanfiction #jai courtney fanfiction #jai courtney #eric divergent/ofc #judas touch

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shadow-light19 · 6 years

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The Wolf of Lilac Lake: Breaking Free

Summary: Daniel seems to finally be in charge of activities today and he starts spouting off all this cultist bullshit. Now that Max has proof, he tries to find David so that he can fire Daniel but it looks like Daniel has gotten to him first.

Notes: Okay, I made this a LOT angstier than I meant for it to be. Sorry, not sorry. I feel like David has issues that he is hiding. The angst is based on David’s breakdown in front of Max in the Season 1 finale and the friend pills he has in the original episode. I feel like he has depression from Jasper’s death and is always so happy and optimistic because of that. Hopefully, it doesn’t come up as too sudden in the story but when have I ever written about David caring about his own well-being in the first place? I also rewrote three tiny parts of chapter 5 to make the angst more fitting. The first is when David is woken by Gwen in the morning, the second is when Gwen leaves, and the third is when he’s in the sauna. If it doesn't work, let me know and I'll rewrite these.

Previous Chapter: https://shadow-light19.tumblr.com/post/174025664742/the-wolf-of-lilac-lake-muzzling-the-dog?is_related_post=1

Next Chapter: https://shadow-light19.tumblr.com/post/174189019287/the-wolf-of-lilac-lake-overcoming-demons

“Rise and shine, campers! Today is a beautiful day!”

Max rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He stretched and pressed brew on his Mrs. Coffee. Neil and Nikki got up and sleepily walked to the Mess Hall to get breakfast. Once his pot of coffee was ready, Max poured himself a mug and walked into the Mess Hall as well.

“Hey, Camp Man. What’s for breakfast today?”

His eyes were closed as he took a swig of coffee.

“Good morning, Max! I’m not David, but breakfast today is fresh fruit and rice.”

Max choked on it.

“What the fuck? Why are we eating that healthy shit? Tell David that I want toast and cereal.”

He glared up at Daniel while holding his mug of coffee to his chest.

Daniel looked down at Max. He smiled and cracked his neck.

“Now Max. David isn’t feeling well today so I insisted he rest and let me handle you kiddos today.”

Max scoffed at him. He went to take another drink from his mug when Daniel snatched it out of his hands.

“Hey, freakshow! Give that back!”

Daniel carried it to the sink and dumped it.

“Max, coffee is filled with toxins. I want you all to be healthy so we will be having detoxifying meals from now on.” He grabbed a tray off the counter and slid it into Max’s hands.

“Now everyone! Please get your breakfast and sit down. We will be having a party today!”

Everyone cheered. Max huffed and picked at his food.

“Now settle down everyone. Before we start setting up for the party I just want to ask if anyone is interested in space?”

“Oh! I love space!” Space kid raised his hand in the air.

Daniel sidled over and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Well did you know that all negative emotions come from space?”

Space kid stuttered.

“U-Uh, no. I didn’t.”

Daniel nodded and walked back to the center of the Mess Hall.

“Yes, it’s true. Our atmosphere is under constant bombardment from negative emotions tied to dark toxins. These toxins cling to the matter left over from the big bang, meaning that even though we are all pure of heart at birth, we’re bathing in a negative-rich environment every second.”

He gave the kids a pitying look. Neil scoffed.

“I’m gonna stop you right there. Are you suggesting that the massive explosion responsible for the creation of the universe is also responsible for some sort of endless radioactive evil?”

Neil snapped his apple slice in half.

“Because that’s fucking bullshit.”

Daniel’s eye twitched as he stalked up to Neil.

“Oh, Neil. Of course not! The big bang didn’t create the universe. It was just a side effect of the Millenia Wars started by Zemoog and the Galactic Confederacy.”

Neil flinched as Daniel placed an arm on his shoulder.

“I understand that you are very inquisitive. Have you ever stopped and wondered if what you were taught was wrong? After all, we are all products of our environment. Most people will believe what they are told by the people they respect which can cause them to question differing facts.”

He walked over to Nerf.

“I understand that you have anger management problems and can be more violent towards other people. I’m sure many people you respect like your parents or your teachers have convinced you that you’re the problem. That’s not true though! The world is so scary and unsafe that you can’t help but feel threatened. In reality, the world is the problem.”

Daniel walked passed the other tables.

“What if I told you that it didn’t have to be? That all those anxieties and doubt that fester inside all of you can be washed away? That you could ascend to a higher calling?”

Nerf jumped up from his seat.

“I don’t know what you’re selling but I am buying it!”

The other campers looked at each other in concern.

“I can help you reach ascension. All you have to do is let me show you how.” Daniel placed his hand on his chest.

Max stared at Daniel in horror. He grabbed Nikki and Neil and quietly backed out of the room as Daniel became distracted by Space Kid and Nerf asking him questions.

Once they were outside, he let go of their hands and grabbed his own hair.

“Oh, my fuck… This guy’s insane!”

“We have to tell David! This should be enough for him to fire him right?” Neil shrieked.

“David should be in his cabin. Daniel said he wasn’t feeling well remember?!” Nikki raced past them.

The three ran as fast as they could to David’s cabin.

“David, open the fucking door! You have to fire Daniel! He’s trying to convert the camp! He really is a cultist!” Max screamed as they banged on David’s door.

No one responded.

“Quick! Nikki, check the window.” Neil directed.

Nikki ran to the side of the cabin.

“He’s not in here!”

Max was panicking.

“Damn it! Where the fuck could he be?”

Neil wrung his hands. “You don’t think Daniel did something to him do you?”

Max froze. He bit his lip in worry.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. That’s why Daniel’s doing this finally. David’s out of the way.

“Fuck!” He looked around.

Max saw smoke rising off to the side.

“Maybe he’s over there?”

The trio ran towards the smoke and gasped when they stopped in front of the sauna.

“Purification Sauna? What is that supposed to mean?” Nikki climbed up the door and looked into the window.

“I can’t see anything inside. It’s too steamy.” She made to get down but put pressure on a rung of the door handle.

“Augh!” Nikki fell to the ground. The handle spun from her weight and the door opened. The trio gathered in front of the building as steam flowed out from inside. A silhouette appeared in the fog.

“David?” Max called out.

Damn it, the idiot better be okay.

The figure emerged from the sauna.

“Hiya, kids!” David grinned widely.

“D-David!? What happened t-to you?” Neil’s voice shook with fear.

Max’s jaw dropped in shock. David was still wearing his outfit of the bandanna, vest, and camp uniform, but it was all white and gray.

“Daniel helped show me how to be truly happy! Isn’t he the best?”

David walked forward. The group quickly backed away.

“David snap out of it! Daniel fucking brainwashed you!”

David chuckled.

“Aww, Max. I’m not brainwashed, I’ve been enlightened. Why don’t we go see Daniel together? I need to know how I can obey the Ancient One’s will and he can enlighten you all as well.”

They booked it.

“What do we do? David was the most capable of all of us to stop Daniel!” Neil cried.

“Maybe we can gather the other kids and stage a revolt? It worked on Gwen and David before!” Nikki looked back. David was walking in their direction.

“I hope so! Maybe he hasn’t gotten to them yet and we can band together to fix David.” They threw the doors of the Mess Hall open.

Dolph, Ered, and Harrison were inside. Dolph was directing Harrison on where to place the white streamers and Ered was leaning against the wall.

“Guys! Daniel’s a cultist and he brainwashed David! We gotta snap him out of it!”

Max yelled. The others turned to him.

“Really? That’s so uncool.”

Dolph clapped his fist into his palm.

“We offered to start setting up while he took the others to a sauna. Is that how he is brainwashing people?”

Nikki nodded.

“Yeah! It magically changes your clothing to white and gray as well! We have to stop him.”

They followed the group outside only to come face to face with Daniel.

“Ahhh!” They screamed.

Daniel’s grin twitched.

“Hey, kiddos! What are you up to?”

Max pointed his finger at Daniel.

“You fucking maniac! What are you planning?”

Daniel cracked his neck.

“Oh, Max. Once everyone has been purified, we’ll toast to ascension by drinking purified Kool-Aid and then they will sacrifice their mortal bodies and ascend.”

“You’re going to kill us?” Neil freaked.

Daniel tsked.

“You’re going to ascend! You’ll be able to join Zemoog in paradise. I want to save you from the negative toxins that are encompassing you all here on earth. It’s such a wonderful feeling being purified. Isn’t that right David?”

“It really is, Daniel.”

“Ahh!” They jumped in fright.

David and the other campers were all standing behind them. Each of them were dressed in white and gray and sporting large grins.

Oh, my God. He’s already brainwashed everyone? We’re dead! We’re fucking dead!

“We love you, Daniel.” They all said in unison.

The remaining campers backed away towards the tents. Daniel joined the others.

“I’m sure it seems scary to you right now, but once you’ve become purified I’m sure you’ll understand that this is all for your own good. David, if you would be so kind as to take them to the Purification Sauna? I think we’re just about ready to ascend.”

“I’d do anything for you, Daniel.”

David stepped forward and transformed. The wolf jumped forward but the kids dodged him. Max wracked his brain for ways to stop David.

Fuck! How do you deal with a fucking wolf? Wait a second!

“Harrison! Can you conjure a dog whistle? Maybe that will snap him out of it.”

Harrison screamed and dodged another lunge.

“I c-can try! It might t-take a while though!” He started waving his hands and tossing the wrong appearing objects to the side.

“Ered! Use your sunglasses to try to reflect the light into his eyes!” She took the sunglasses from her jacket and did her best to follow Max’s directions.

“Nikki, slow him down! Neil, what’s the best way to snap someone out of brainwashing?”

Nikki charged at David and Neil turned to Max. “I don’t know! I’m a man of science! Gwen is the one with a Psychology degree. The best way I can think of, based on how the brain works, is to try to re-establish their way of thinking. Try calling out to him to make him remember his previous self or snap him out of it with some kind of shock to the synapses of his neural system.”

Max growled. “That’s not working so far! Harrison is still trying to get the dog whistle and Nikki is fucking biting him and he’s not waking up.”

Max shrieked when he felt himself get picked up by the hood of his hoodie. Neil shouted his name but was quickly restrained by Nerf. Max twisted in Daniel’s hold.

“I don’t think so, Max. David belongs to Zemoog now! Once you all have ascended, David and I will continue to find children and save them. Now let’s get you guys purified.”

Shit! I can’t get free!

He tried to call for Nikki but his voice died in his throat. David was holding Nikki and Dolph by the backs of their shirts. Nerris had somehow tied Harrison up and Space Kid and Preston had down the same to Ered.

We’re going to die. We’re really going to die. This can’t be happening!

Max could feel himself start to hyperventilate. The group was dragged towards the sauna and Max couldn’t stop the tears from welling up. They passed a table that had red plastic cups laid out and bowls of Kool-Aid on them. Max whimpered at the boxes of rat poison thrown carelessly to the ground beside it.

“No! Let me go! I only want to die from being mauled by a wild animal or fighting something really terrifying! Not by juice!” Nikki struggled in David’s grasp but it didn’t faze him in the slightest.

This is it. We’re going to be brainwashed to kill ourselves. Wait… what did Neil say? Make him remember himself?

“David! Snap out of it! Daniel’s going to kill us and use you to kill others! You may be an optimistic idiot but you’ve always done your best to try to make me less cynical, remember Camp Man?”

The others caught on to what Max was doing.

“Come on, David! Remember how you made me wear a helmet in order to do extreme sports? It’s lame but it’s because you care. You even painted flames on it and on my knee and elbow pads to try to make it look cooler.”

“You’re the one who bought me a paint set when you found out that the camp only had four colors of paint and a worn-out brush. You’ve hung up all of my art in my tent or you wrap it and store it in your cabin so that I can take it home when summer ends.”

“David! You attend all of my magic shows and even if the trick doesn’t work like it should, you still clap and tell me how amazed you are. You promised to come to all my shows when I am good enough to perform for crowds. You can’t do that if I’m dead and you’re a murderer!”

“When I first came here and found out that Cambell lied about Science Camp, you went into the woods and came back with several logs. You asked me what beakers and test tubes looked like and then carved me all the tools I needed out of fucking wood! You may not understand science but you understand us!”

“I know I bit your hand when we first came to camp but you’ve never held it against me. You’re a badass werewolf and that’s so cool! You understand my love of nature and never get mad at me or scold me for getting dirty. So snap out of it Rusty! You promised to let me meet some of the wolves and foxes in the area. I want to howl at the moon with the whole pack and that includes you, Rusty!”

David stopped walking. Daniel opened the door to the sauna.

“Alright! Time for everyone to get in the sauna!”

Ered, Harrison, and Neil were thrown into the sauna. They reappeared at the window banging and screaming to be let out. Max renewed his struggles in Daniel’s hold. Tears streamed down his face as he clenched his eyes shut.

“DAVID FUCKING SNAP OUT OF IT, PLEASE!”

David dropped Nikki and Dolph. Daniel turned to him in confusion and Max managed to wriggle out of his hoodie. He dropped to the ground in his yellow camp shirt and ran behind David. Nikki and Dolph did the same. Daniel’s face contorted in anger.

“David. I asked you to bring them to the sauna. Are you disobeying me?” Daniel drew the sacrificial knife from his pocket.

David was emotionlessly staring at nothing.

“Do you know what happens to those that betray Zemoog?”

David stood still. The white bandanna around his neck slowly turning back to yellow. Max and the others watched as David went from emotionless to furious in seconds. He lunged at Daniel and bit the arm that was holding the knife. Max pushed the others back as Daniel shoved David off him and they fought.

“Hurry! We have to let the others out!” They rushed to the sauna and opened it. The others jumped out gasping and uncovered their ears.

“Thank god! I thought for sure we were done for!” Neil hugged himself.

“Everyone, David needs our help!” Dolph pointed at David who was surrounded by Daniel and the brainwashed campers.

There’s no way David will willingly hurt a kid. We need to get them out of the way.

“Nikki! I need get everyone away from David. Harrison, Ered, I need you to take the ropes and round everyone up! I’ll tie a knot once you’re done. That should keep everyone out of the way.”

Nikki dashed forward and dragged campers away from David. Daniel turned in surprise but was quickly distracted by David again.

Ered and Harrison wrapped them up and Max tied the knot. They dragged the group away from the fight so they could stay out of David’s way.

“What do we do now?” Neil asked.

Max turned back to the fight happening several feet away. He winced when he heard David yelp in pain but held himself from rushing forward.

“We can’t do anything. We’ll only get in the way. The only thing we can do now, is wait.”

David yelped as Daniel sliced his hind leg with the knife. He bit hard on the wrist holding the knife and kicked it away when Daniel dropped it in pain. Daniel tried to kick David off of him but David managed to pin him to the ground.

There’s no way I’m letting you escape. I don’t care if you tried to kill me but you tried to kill my campers and that is INEXCUSABLE!

David slammed his head against Daniel’s. Daniel slumped over, unconscious. David stepped off of Daniel and transformed.

“Are you kids okay?” He limped over to the huddled group of kids. He couldn't see any injuries on them.

They rushed forward and hugged him.

“Aww! I missed you too!” He kneeled and hugged them.

They stayed that way for a couple seconds before he stood up. He saw how Max looked embarrassed and was glaring at the ground.

“Took you fucking long enough. You had us worried sick, asshole!”

“I’m sorry I scared you all. If it weren’t for you kids though, I still would’ve been brainwashed.”

David walked over to the Quartermaster’s store and brought out a length of rope. He tied Daniel up, then returned to the kids.

“Ered, please call the police for me so that Daniel can be arrested.” He handed his phone over. David looked at the rest of the campers that weren’t brainwashed.

“I’m going to keep an eye on Daniel. Could the rest of you get me a bucket of water and some towels? I’m hoping that will be enough to wake the other campers. Please don’t go near the sauna or the Kool-Aid. I’m gonna need that as evidence for the police.”

The others quickly disbanded to do as David asked. David looked down at Daniel.

I can't believe I was so foolish. I should've followed my instincts when he first arrived at camp. I should've asked Gwen to stay or told her my suspicions. I'm sure this traumatized the kids and it's all my fault.

Nikki and Neil lugged the bucket of water over to David. He thanked them for their help and picked it up. He splashed it onto the brainwashed campers and sighed in relief when they cried out in indignation.

“Why are we all tied together?” Space kid looked at David.

David untied Max’s knot and helped the campers stand.

“When Daniel arrived, I had my suspicions that there was something dangerous about him. I didn’t act on it though because it seemed so unfounded. He was polite and his resume and previous experience were sterling. I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t trust him so I figured that I would just keep an eye on him and that everything would be okay. It’s why I never actually hired him. I wanted to be able to terminate his position if I needed to.” He turned to Max, Nikki, and Neil.

“When you three came to me with your suspicions of him being a cult leader, I should’ve fired him on the spot.”

David rubbed his elbow with his arm. “I’m sorry that I put you all in such danger. I failed to protect you and worse became brainwashed into someone who was willing to harm you.”

He hung his head in shame. David couldn’t hold back a sob.

I can’t believe I came so close to losing all of you. This whole situation was all my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t be a counselor. I’m sure they hate me now for almost allowing them to be killed.

“David, stop crying you fucking dumbass.” David stared at Max.

Max looked uncomfortable but pulled one hand out of his pant pocket and gestured to the others.

“Do you remember how we snapped you out of Daniel’s brainwashing?”

You guys told me… how much I care for everyone here at camp.

“You were reminding me of how much I love all you campers.”

Max smiled.

“That’s right! You may be an idiot but you genuinely care about us for some fucking reason. You broke free from the brainwashing because of that, so stop whining about your stupid delusions.”

David smiled and kneeled down again. He spread his arms out for a hug.

“Aww! Come here, you guys!” Everyone rushed him except for Max.

Max stood off to the side and watched the others in relief. David extended his arm and pulled him into the hug. It made him smile wider when the only form of protest Max gave him was the middle finger.

“That’s sooo touching.”

Everyone froze.

David stood up and pushed all the campers behind him. He could hear sirens wailing in the distance as he faced Daniel. Daniel was awake but completely immobile.

“I mean, sure you managed to stop me in the end, but you were too weak to do it on your own. Even as a werewolf! My goodness, that’s pathetic.”

David’s glare fell.

“You didn’t even trust your own instincts! Maybe you seem happy and naïve to everyone else but I can see the truth. You’re broken inside.”

David could feel Daniel’s words chipping at him.

“You lack confidence in yourself and in what you do. That’s why you struggle to get the kids to do anything, that’s why you’re always getting hurt, and that’s why I was able to get one over on you. You told me about everything that's happened in this camp so far besides being a werewolf, remember? The mascot, the times you've been hit by a bus, the stab marks on both your palms, especially everyone's attitude about camp. You’re a much better actor than I thought David.”

David stared at Daniel as the police pulled up. He guided the police to the sauna and table full of poisoned Kool-Aid. He led the officers to Gwen’s cabin so they could seize Daniel’s possessions. He gave his statement and waited as the campers were interviewed as well.

When all the cop cars disappeared down the dirt road, David guided the campers into the Mess Hall and put on a movie. He called for pizza delivery to cheer the kids up and ignored all the worried looks the kids were giving him. He assured them he was fine every time one of them asked if he was alright with a cheerful smile and pat on the head. Once they were all settled in, David excused himself to the bathroom. Once he was alone, David let the tears fall.

#camp camp #cc david #cc max #cc nikki #cc neil #cc preston #cc nerris #cc nerf #cc ered #cc space skid #cc daniel #cc harrison #camp camp fanfiction #werewolf david au #depressed david

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sensitivewhitewoman · 3 years

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what do you do if it’s 2am and it’s a weekday and everyone you know is asleep and you’re in your bed crying? asking for myself.

why can’t I just be okay? When I am okay it’ll last 3 days max before my brain goes back on the same anxiety-filled bullshit.

I feel like I did when I was 13; lost, lonely, not understanding my body or mind. Excessively using social media as a distraction because I don’t want to think about my own “problems”. I shouldn’t even have problems. I’m not struggling externally. I have a place to live, I have good friends and family, I have a bf who loves me.

Despite my physical needs being met, It all comes down to me. Do I really want to get better? Maybe I should delete my main socials for a while. But that’s the most impactful addiction I have, but so was smoking weed everyday, so yeah I could overcome it. I just have to want to lol.

It’s difficult not knowing why you’re feeling a certain way; why is my hair falling out, why do I have eczema, why do I get random rashes on the daily, why do I have so many allergies, why do I shit 4 times a day, why do I get anxious at times where I should be relaxed or having fun, why does everyone tell me I’m a good person meanwhile I feel like the worst, why do I ask so many questions, why do I get uncomfortable so easily, why do I grow dark hairs on my face, why do I get urges to hurt myself, why don’t I take my own advice?

Is this normal stuff people go through? Should I see a therapist? Why am I afraid to ask for help? Do I really want to get better? Why aren’t I trying hard enough? Why do I feel like I’m not good enough? Is it just PMS or are there other things going on in my body that I’m not aware of?

Every month before I get my period I’ll have a “mental breakdown” that includes; feeling worthless, wanting to self harm, self hatred, feeling ugly, not feeling attractive or sexy, crying, hyperventilating, fatigue, mood swings, sharp cramps where I think my ovaries are.

Well I stopped crying after typing all that so that’s a good thing. I wonder if it has anything do to with my natal chart or the fact that I’m highly sensitive. *hense my URL*

#text #help #why

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morehandstowritewith · 5 years

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This One is a Mystery

The handwritten note read in curly print, but it was all a distraction from the content:

There’s something about how much I don’t hate you that makes this that hard to write down in words. Deep down I loved you fro so long; I just never thought the way I feel now would be possible. But now, I am scared of you and in my sympathy I am worried for your wellbeing.

All of this felt like a third draft of the letter to Robert, he could see it in the way the words were written, no erase marks, the words were fluid and raw. He thought to himself about the other crumpled up versions of this letter in Erin’s waste bin at home, he wondered if the ending of this note would be the same as draft one.

I want you to know that I still care about you, it might not be in the same way as I did before, I don’t love you anymore Robert, and I really want you to examine why you think its okay for you to still tell me that you love me, because if I was you, I wouldn’t love someone that did what I did to you.

Robert stops reading, a world of possibilities hits him in the face and flashes of previous moments he overlooked smack against his body, hurtful blows of texts that went hours without answer, phone calls sent to voicemail, date nights cancelled because she just wanted to sit at home and watch Netflix by herself. The red flags were everywhere and he just chose to ignore them and live in his own world, one where life was okay, not great, just okay, and he was just finishing up his first semester of junior college after taking a gap year that stretched into the fall. Gap year was a nice way of putting it; most people would call it a nervous breakdown. Ranking this letter on its scale of terribleness, it easily makes the top 5 worst pieces of mail he’s received, right up there with the rejection letters from NYU, Brown, Northwestern, and Boston College. The assumption that Robert lived by was that they weren’t just looking for test scores anymore, they had a certain criteria they wanted in white males who scored a perfect on their SATs, and sadly Robert did not fit the J. Crew model that would be perfect for the front of the admissions packet booklet.

What Robert did possess though was a brain that always had an escape plan, in case the world got rough around him. Of course this also led to issues that he couldn’t really ever contain, as in case of the college debacle, his safety school was the junior college 5 miles down the road from his parents old house.

The January wind kicks snow up into Robert’s face as he walks past the house, his eyes glancing over at it, like a relic lost to time. His parents sold the place when Robert graduated high school; they thought it would be a good time to retire to Florida. The shell of his past life is just another house on the street that leads to his studio apartment. He stops and looks at the place, Christmas lights still dangle from the gutters, and January has been too cold to bother to remove them. A frozen Santa Claus holds a waving pose, rosy red cheeks and wide smile, not giving a damn that he’s buried up to his chest in smoke colored snow.

“Robert? Is that you?”

Robert freezes, shit I know that voice.

“Robert, that is you!”

Robert shoves the note in his pocket and turns to face Mrs. Hays, a woman bordering on 80 who lived across the street from him for 19 years worth of his life. He can count on two hands how many times he crashed his bicycle on the uneven pavement outside of her house.

Robert tries to plaster on some sense of humanity, “Mrs. Hays, how are you?”

She’s not buying it, “Good, I’m good, you look cold dear, what are you doing walking in this dreadful wind?”

Robert forces a chuckle; “Parents took the car with them to Florida so—“

“Oh, I see.” He face crinkles with puzzlement, “Do you want a ride home?”

“Oh no, no I’m good, thank you though, I really appreciate the offer.”

She laughs, “I offer, but,” she motions to the pile of snow mounting around her garage door, “I doubt I could get out, even if there was an emergency.”

Robert sighs, “That’s a mess.” A thought kicks around in his brain, “How about I go drop my things off at home, then come back and dig you out?”

Mrs. Hays’ face lights up, “That would be so kind of you, Billy keeps on saying he’s going to come by and do it, but he never seems to have any time.”

Robert smiles, Yes your drug dealer son is probably very busy up to his eyeballs in white powder, “I imagine he’s got a lot going on these days,” In a town that was knocked on its ass by the recession that can’t seem to recover so it turns to booze and hard drugs to cure the ills of the day before.

Mrs. Hays nods, “He seems to be, yes.”

“Well, I’ll see you in a little bit then.”

She smiles and gives Robert a big hug, “I really appreciate it, Robert.”

Robert smiles and squirms out of the embrace. He takes a parting glance at his childhood home and trudges on through the snow the extra mile to his grey concrete block of an apartment.

The key sticks in the outdoor lock, blame it on the cold, Robert jiggles it and puts a shoulder into it, bumping the misshaped wood in a way that jimmies the door open.

The apartment doesn’t seem worthy of the struggle to get in it. A loft bed hangs over a computer desk and a futon sits opposite of it, pushed up against the ghost white walls that are adorned with, nothing. Not a frame or a Reservoir Dogs poster graces the paper-thin dry wall.

Robert picks up a remote off an end table and clicks on a stereo that is already cued with a jazz album, possibly Chet Baker or another one of the classic artists that are part of a music collection that is nothing but by his own thoughts, deep cuts.

Robert opens his closet doors and digs into a carefully stacked set of boxes, pulling out ones labeled, “snow boots.” He tosses the box behind him, then reaches back into his coat pocket and pulls the letter out again, smoothing it out over the end table. Looking again at the final paragraph:

Deep down, I knew that I could love you, but it was going to take work and I don’t think its fair or worth my effort to bury myself in a relationship that is so one sided. Its not that you only care about yourself Robert, don’t let anyone make you believe that lie. It’s that you are different. You make decisions based upon what is given to you, the physical connection of an item, but when its theory or thought that’s where you disappear. I’m not telling you this to hurt you; I’m just trying to explain in a way that I think you’ll understand so you won’t doubt that what we had wasn’t bullshit. I loved you. Part of me thinks you loved me too. I wish you nothing but the best, please respect my space and I’ll do the same.

Regards,

Erin

“Regards,” Robert repeats the line out loud letting the “s” sit on his lips.

He crumples the note again and tosses it towards his garbage can.

#story #stories #should i continue?#dont read this

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demoratorium · 6 years

Text

I really really don’t want to talk about him in here anymore but it’s really, really really eating me up alive inside.

Like I really try to be chill and all cool and pretend like I am already over this but it’s really hard and so fucking dumb that every time I am on my breakdown I’ll just get overthink and then on some nights I’ll just have a nightmare about him where we got into fight or he left me or he got angry at me and it’s so tiring like I know I don’t deserve this and he looks fine and everybody else is doing fine so why only me that has to feel shit like this and now I am on my pms so I feel two time shittier.

But I know it’s also my fault because I was the one who wasn’t clear enough to him like I was the one who said I didn’t want anything yet I keep expecting things like on August back then I knew he was here at Angel’s place and I really wanted to see him so I went to hang out with those college friends I am not even comfortable with only to went back to Angel’s place and to finally see him and then when we finally met I felt really glad like I really really felt most of my burdens from all the past months were lifted because honestly the past six seven months where we didn’t talk at all was a fucking hell and I knew people would thought I’m exaggerating shit but it was fucked me up like at some nights I wonder what the fuck was going on and the rest of the nights were me blaming myself for shit and at some point I doubted where did I do wrong but even when I wasn’t really sure who was wrong and who was right I keep fucking torturing myself with nasty thoughts and there were some sleepless nights where I cried like a fucking idiot and there were times where I got drunk and there were times where I tried to do a lot of things to fucking distract myself but in the end I still felt like a fucking piece of shit and then my kos room was super ugly and cold and made me even more horrible

and so after I finally met him I went to Angel’s place again and at every night I went to Angel’s place he and I would spend some times to talk together and then we finally made up as the time went by like that time we went to Jakarta Creative Hub together and eventhough his mood went all shit we ended up going to GI and talked some stuffs and he was the one who talked to me on line first and he was the one who initiated to follow me back on ig and then he was the one who said he wanted to talk more about drawing and all the things related to it more to me and I DON’T KNOW I AM DUMB OKAY I am a fucking naive kid I get my hopes up super easily especially if it is related to him EVEN IF I DON’T WANT TO I mean I really really really tried to hold myself you know but I am a sucker and I really really love him and he said he wanted to get better and I do want it to happen and I want to work on myself to get better too and so I went into the circle that I made for myself where I kept telling denial shit but my doing contradicts every words that came out from my mouth like I FUCKING KNOW he did the bare minimum but I STILL WENT TO HIS FUCKING PLACE and every time I went back from his place I hate myself twice more and then there were a lot of times where I wonder if maYBE we coULd be moRE than tHIs HAhaHA but every time I thought about that the old stuffs where he hurt me and left me came back I’M FUCKING SCARED like I don’t want TO GO THROUGH THE SAME SHIT ANYMORE iT’S A FUCKING HELL and so I keep telling myself that we are just frieNDs yeT I keep doing the contradiction and even worse I keep getting more and more and more attached

and then I really have no idea where did this started but we started to get into fight again and of course it’s always related to drawing whether it’s an event or a career and hoNESTLY I juSt waNT to enJOy the tHing we both are passionate about toGETHEr but he keep doubting me over and over again with questions like why would I do that what does that benefit me my support is bullshit how does he know that I am not actually laughing at him behind all of this right BUT I SWEAR I never never not even the slightest part of me did any of that but I’m really bad at words and he is fucked up beyond my control so I...?? I don’t know.... God the only thing I want from both of us are a healthy relationship where we could appreciate and support each other aND I know I am mentally sick my brain doesn’t work as normal as I fucking hope it does but I really want it to happen yet we are keep fighting and going downhill and I know I also made the situation even worse like I got pissed too eventhough as much as I don’t want to I still let myself out of control and then of course I will be the one who starts saying sorry and then everything repeated again over and over and I am so sad at how easily he throws harsh words at me like I am nothing like everytime he hurts me I felt like he isn’t the person I know I felt like he is just a stranger and all the I love you stuffs that he said means nothing compared to the harsh words and then sometimes he did this thing where he bring up the past where I laughed at him at class back then when I barely knew about him and I really really couldn’t remember that at all but I have apologized I apologized as sincere as I could I really didn’t mean to do that but he kept it in his head and sometimes bring it up YET I CAN’T DO THAT IF IT’S ME Like I am not supposed to bring past shit and of course sometimes I still do that because I am just...... I am so sorry I feel more and more shittier as I type and I realize I haven’t use any full stop but I really don’t know how to stop this just like our fights that kept repeating

and at some point we didn’t really talk for a few days or week and then I got a new job and on my third day after work I felt like meeting him so I reached my phone and started to chat him on line and he didn’t read it for minutes anD I feLt soMetHing is wRong so I checked his profile and I couldn’t see anything so he blockED me and I felt like a bucket of ice just, like fucking poured on my head and it was on around 6 pm and I didn’t really thought of anything beside I wanted to go to his place not fucking knowing what am I going to do like it’s super crazy how impulsive I am when it comes to HIM and so I went to his place all the way from my office and I still had no idea what am I gonna do and on the way to his place I asked him on instagram dm and I tried to act really chill and he replied with stuffs like it’s my winning and then he blocked me too on ig and I really had no idea what the fuck is going on and then I arrived at his place and he let me in and I just grabbed his phone to check whether he still has my number on his phone and I couldn’t find my name on his contact list and at that point I felt really really stupid so I just went back without saying anything but I really had no energy left to go home so I went to Angel’s place fucking crying like an idiot and I still cried even after I arrived at Angel’s place and then at the next day I felt like I can’t let this happened so like someone who has no pride at all I WENT BACK TO HIS PLACE AGAIN after I finished my work and I fucking waited him in front of his door like a fucking idiot and then he finally came back and we finally talked and he said that he didn’t really want to cut our ties off anD I’m So FUCking HappY like really really happy to the point that where he said “I still need time to not talk about drawing” I didn’t really let it stays on my head so I was just okaying because I was just too happy like of COUrSe by saying drawing it also is about not unblocking me on instagram and twitter (well he never unblocked me either there) and it might means that he won’t start the conversation anymore so like after that it’s always me who starts the conv and it’s really really difficult because it felt really different like there is a big wall between us and like there are so much I want to talk but I have to think hundred times before I spill it like would this offend him could we really talk about this like I WANT TO TALK AND SHARE SO MUCH about my career and my friends and the events and everything but I just can’t there was a big pressure and it really made me feel sad because it doesn’t even felt like friendship anymore

and then on my seventh working day of course, I got fired hahahaha and the world suddenly was black and I wasn’t feeling myself anymore and I had to keep it from my parents and everyone because of course I couldn’t be anymore pathetic than I already was so I kept it and I still woke up in the morning and went off at times I usually go to work and I stayed at my friend’s place from one to another like a fucking loser and of course I had to keep my smile open and I had to lie and it’s so hard it’s so hard for me I swear and then there is this night where I liked a line post about ‘the wrong someone’ and of course it showed up on timeline and of course he finally chat me first for the first time in forever only to mock me and so I went full shit because I really couldn’t hold it back anymore and so I let him know about my pathetic situation as I talked like an asshole and trUst me I feLt shit like it was supposed to make me feel good to finally talk as shit as I could but it really didn’t yet I couldn’t stop it and and then I felt super bad and it’s so so heavy for me to handle and my head was so fucking noisy and everything was a pitch black and so I finally cut after a year and more being clean and it wasn’t that deep but it felt really really really good like I finally felt good you know, like that’s the only thing that finally made me feel good after my life going downhill like I know this sounds super edgy but it really felt good and it made me calm down and I finally came to my sense and so I could normally reply to his chat but then I couldn’t sleep at home because I slept in my parents room and I couldn’t let them know about my wounds so I, like a fucking worthless beggar, asked for a place to stay to him hahahahaha shit I really had no pride didn’t I but yeah that happened and of course we did stuffs there, of course, of course, of course I could let myself be even more worthless than I already was by kissing and making out hahahahahaha and so I stayed two nights at his place and on the second night we had a talk where it started as a joke where I asked for my birthday present which was a drawing and of course it went darker because it’s about drawing hahahaha and then I asked about why didn’t he unblocked me on twitter and ig aND IT’S REALLY PITIFUL FOR ME BECAUSE I WAS JOBLESS AND STAYED AT HIS PLACE AND BEGGED HIM TO UNBLOCK ME ON MEDIA and of course as I couldn’t be more pathetic, he rejected me and I didn’t know what happened anymore but at the morning I left his place and went back to my friend’s place at depok because I still had to pretend to my parents that I still go to work and on the way I went to my friend’s place I thought and thought over and over again about how pathetic I am and how ugly and not healthy our friendship-if you can call that- is and then I decided to cut it off entirely eventhough it’s not even a week after we ~made up~ and of course I didn’t really cut it off I couldn’t fucking block him because I am a fucking loser remember? So I just pretend like I blocked him by not reading his chat

and days passed and honestly I really had no idea how I passed my days after that because I really really couldn’t feel myself at all and then there was a day where I went to watch movies that were sponsored by a sexual harassment and abuse campaign and the campaign goes for days and the films that they provide were really great and free to watch and of course I without thinking twice impulsively asked him to go watch with me and of course he rejected me and that was where I felt like I just got the biggest slap so I just I didn’t know I just thought I really need to stop treating myself like shit and stop coming at him anymore and of course I had to go delete my line again hahahahahaha well I really had nothing to lose since my friends on line weren’t that much considering I’ve been doing this several times and then after I deleted my line I felt like I finally could do another thing which is blocking him on other platforms and I know it’s such a useless thing to do because it’s not like I could see his content either since he blocked me too but I just, needed to do it myself you know? So I did it on instagram first and then I went to his twitter and then I saw him making fun of cutting and uploading cutting gif hahaHAhahAHAhAHAH I. Really. Do not know what to say anymore. It wasn’t even two weeks since I left his place and he knew I cut and he saw and he acted so concerned and all but then I saw him making fun of it on twitter and I felt

I feel

so dumb

I don’t know anymore

of course I still hit the block button but after that I really don’t know

what the hell is happening

what the hell

what am I

I thought asking him to unblock me and asking him to watch movie only to get rejected was the most pathetic thing that could happen to me but no of course he has a lot more ways to make me feel even worse than that because it’s him

I let him has the power to make me feel pathetic and worthless

I let him so hahahahahahahahaha

I really don’t know what is the point of this post anymore and I know I type this post like I am drunk but no I am not

I am just emotional

and of course hormon

but when will I never get emotional when it’s about him

hahahahahahahahaa

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katpka-blog · 7 years

Text

What is College?

I chose this story to begin my blog, because I am sitting on my bed right now, time relentlessly musing through each hour (it’s 1:57 AM right now), and decided I needed to create a blog to alleviate my anxiety and frustration. This unpleasant yet expected situation I invited myself to has made me question my life as a college student and generally as a human being. It’s not peculiar of me to contemplate about “being here” or shift attitudes between “being overly fortunate and happy” to “being lost and self-loathing.” (I am now going to pour out my feelings that may or may not agree to you, but hopefully, make you understand the continuous cycle of disdain I have for myself). I hope that after I pour my honest and raw feelings to this blog, people will continue to read more of my posts, because I do live a life most people can relate to, but some may be baffled by my thoughts and actions.

So you’re probably wondering, what the fuck is this about, and why am I wasting my time with this random bullshit? If I were you, I would be too lazy to read all this, but once again, I encourage you to pull through. This all centers around my main life: college. i transferred a total three times going into my second year as a collegiate student, so I was a sophomore entering my final school. People tease me about it all the time, and I would always play along; families would joke, “so where are you going next year?” I would respond, “I want to write a novel about it!” However, through that haze of amusement, I found myself mystified about my situation. The path to my thoughts never created an escape, and therefore I painfully directed my energy towards the criticism and conspiracies that always battled against me.

Conspiracy #........10000000: I became to resent the system of collegiate education. I use “resent”, because the feelings I have inside actually evoke physical agony and self-loathing over everything that the system has bred me to believe. One of the worst things that I feel inside is that I have become the robotic hypocrite that I realize is not what I want. Transferring to three schools was not an ideal plan I had for myself. My brain was always and continues to be ambitious, something I have also come to realize is perhaps an illness. On the other hand, my heart yearned for freedom, simplicity, and non-materialistic happiness. Society advertised ambition and success to me so much that I became addicted to them. At the time I was choosing colleges, I desired the future that “other kids” were living and “other adults” preached about. The future that advertised “money can’t buy happiness” but sold “money dictates education, survival, judgement, dignity, and somehow everything else in life.” My relationship with money is chaotic. While I lived in a facade of financial comfort and content (all thanks to my supportive parents), I never learned that the worth of myself was more significant than the worth of paper. So as I was departing from my years in high school, I believed that money was everything and since it was everything, money was plentiful. My delusions were shattered the second semester of my freshman year (second school, I’ll discuss my experience in my first school in another post). I sat on the floor against the wall of my small dorm apartment on 96th street of the Upper East Side/ Harlem, cell phone pressed to my wet cheeks, and legs uncontrollably shaking. On the phone, my dad tried to console me about my random breakdown. He explained that the best option would be if I attended school closer to home, and even though I hated to admit it, the costs and my depression were becoming worse.

As I became accustomed to a big campus once again, I drowned in my own foolishness and wild behaviors. I was in a relationship at the time, and it was the wrongest thing I tried to make work. My mind at the time wanted to cut everything off. I wanted to punish the outside forces like fate or my own happiness, my own drive, and my own spirit. I began by breaking up with him, and while I believed that this was a release from dependence on someone to be there, I struggled to embrace myself again. Gradually, I thought I was curing my soul; I believed this completely, because the distractions deafened everything else beyond the world outside my university. I made myself believe that I was whole again, and that the dark days were finally over. But all I did was fool myself. I was not becoming whole my first semester at my third school. I was numbing my brain from that ambition with drugs and fake laughter. College is not what the older kids say it is when you are younger and naive. College is walking to a crowded lecture room of over 200 students, and even though you are early, you choose to sit in the back corner. When the professor paints a question to the over 200 student audience, not a single hand goes up...yours included. College is feeling the cold invisible hand of pressure against your neck as you stare down at the endless cycle of words you are trying to memorize in a a library. College is having to decipher whether you need this money for food or for alcohol and drugs College is entering a party, feeling the piercing judgement in a tight room hidden in darkness, and the only light there is neon. . College is sitting in your dorm or apartment room, basking in the short-lived freedom of only four years, until you realize how you wasted those years later on.After throwing up the small dinner you had, you laugh to yourself and ask, “what am I doing with my life?” College is not the place where people say you will find yourself and realize what you want to do the rest of your life. It is a vast maze that will force you to get lost (similar to the maze in the fourth book of the Harry Potter series, where the characters must face so many obstacles that will literally attempt to kill or stop them). For some, college is a deathbed, and the killer is depression.

Being a born cynic does this to me a lot; it forces me to always criticize and blame. While I do resent the collegiate life for making me so lost in my priorities, I can also give it credit for being an formidable force. I have never been perfect, but I pride myself on being a stubborn fighter. Everything that I have written here is only 1/4 of what I have endured. I am hypocrite to some that may read this, but I do display scars of mental suffering. I know, please know, that I do know the tragedies far worse than mine that occur within other lives. I know that other people, people who may walk pass me in the streets, have rougher and sadder lives than me. But what is to compare? All my life I have compared sorrow against sorrow, wealth against happiness, and the answers depress me. Depression is an unforgiving torture of the soul, and is very similar to the physical torture itself. Death is death, and whatever the case or the cause, it is impossible to reverse.

I do not point to college as the source of my deepest levels of depression and mental instability. College has brought me beauty stemming from the true friends and admirable people I have fortunately encountered. College has brought me appreciation of the books in my hand and the knowledge I acquire. College taught me to cry freely and to embrace sadness and defeat, because life is not kind. I could continue on about what college means, but everyone has their own experiences that guide them to their own future and happiness. I believe as of now, I am still struggling to make sense of my ambitions and happiness. I face the problem that most people in a society face, and that is whether to follow the path guided by your brain or the path led by your heart. I realize that the obstacles that try to belittle my self-esteem have a purpose in the journey of life. They are meant to test the will of human beings, and whether or not they pass is completely up to them not fate or any other outside force. For me, college is a strange mystery novel written by the beholder.

#quotes #college #life #blog #writer #story

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