#if i didnt get it for myself i didnt eat at all.

[swagging-back-to]

baffles me when people go "im hungry" then the other person gets up and retrieves them food.

#ive been feeding myself since i was 7. #been cooking for myself since i was 10 #if i didnt get it for myself i didnt eat at all. #literally crazy seeing adult humans go to their parents syaing 'im hungry" then their parents cook them a full meal #trauma dump #im just sad today besties #adoptee voices #when i say i was cooking at 10 i mean that all i ate before i learnt to cook was chips and other ready to eat snacks #or i ate at school #i did not have actual food for 3 solid years and even when i turned 10 and started cooking thats when i went vegan so #all my abusers gave me to cook was potatoes. that was for another 2 years before i actually started to eat food #not just potatoes

[skitskatdacat63]

I've decided to do myself what the cowards at Aston won't. Behold.

#GAAAAAAHHHH REALLY HAPPY WITH THESE #GRRRRR I WANNA EAT HIM #not to pat myself on my own back too much but god he looks so fucking hot #woof woof woof man why isnt aston fernando miami 2004 redux not real :((( #only exists in art form :) teehee #ty for everyone who voted in my poll for this even if you didnt know it was for this! #apologies for not picking the most voted one. however...i didnt wanna draw it LOL #theres smth sexier to me about him wearing the unbuttoned shirt OKAY #was pretty fun to design the aston version of the shirt! lmk what you think #also small gripe: it sucks ive put all this work in and its probably gonna end up getting less than the poll i spent less than 10 mins on #idc that much abt notes but ugh the fact that lower effort notes tend to do better sucks :( #unless you wanna make this post more popular than the poll- be my guest :) #anyways god i though renault fernando was hot in these outfits and i obv still do but ggrrrrrr old man fernando when i get you #as i said yesterday. if he wont do well on track he might as well do well off track. so here i am. objectifying him #f1 #formula 1 #fernando alonso #2024 miami gp #f1 fanart #formula 1 fanart #catie.art.

[skunkes]

i have soooo much more i cld say abt him, and have explored more thru other doodles, but quick summary of talon's whole deal, which is subject to change still as he's only almost 2 yrs old as an oc

#oc text #obvs sparse description of the events bc i dont mean for it to be gratuitous #even if i decided to explore it further in some medium the focus wouldnt be gratuitous ykwim #not that there werent awful stuff within that but my focus with talon is also more exploration of like #even stuff that isnt a big deal (which it wasnt at first) can effect someone greatly #and then once it does get a bit worse the focus is still more on the effects of how he views himself and the aftermath #AS WELL AS LIKE. well. did i do this to myself? i went back. do i deserve this? #he's a lot like me and the reason i like the self insert dynamic is bc he thinks of cheye as Me If It Didnt All Go Horribly #bc ive not gone thru the Extreme but i have had interactions with ppl who very enthusiastically thought i was ummmm underage!!! #while they were already being creepy toward me and making me nervous abt my safety ! #so this isnt ''he's umm 400 but looks 12 bc i want to do weird shit with him 😏'' dude drawing him Fed makes me so sad sometimes... #we're also weird eating buddies <3 #and grief buddies <3 he actually further spawned out of my need to deal with a lot of family members passing away in such a short time #severe death phobia buddies... #i still dont know how he really feels about his Old Wrinkly Form btw all i know is he feels safe in it #as much as id love to sway toward ''he thinks he's hot like that. because he is.'' i also dont want to convey the wrong message wrt this #form being due to....disordered eating caused by Issues. ykwim #though! he can shapeshift quite well when he's fed and maybe he'd choose that form willingly if he ever got. Past everything #he does hate that he never gets to actually age...! he wishes he cld age normally like a mortal...(still scared of dying though) #but we cant knoww for certain yet ykwim. maybe he'll let me know soon. #my issue with talon other than i suck at plots is well he has too many of my issues. and. idk how to solve them. #he's growing with me. #oh and have we noticed he's mean to me when *im* being mean to me...MANY such metaphors #ok goodnite

[pup-pee]

anyways, love her

#i rlly RLLY like the silly eating drawing can u tell? #anwyays kon uses all pronouns ty goodbye #poor kon i dont post him as muhc bc every drawing i have of them looks uhm uhhhh bad :'3 #i like how u can look @ these ss & know exactly where i took them its so obvious fkjsdhks #EVEN THE SMALL 1S #U CAN SEE THE STAIRS BHIND HIM #(event hough thats not technically kon just shhhhh) #i waas going 2 put the '2nd' pt of him getting WHAMMED down but i didnt know where 2 fit it on this thing #every piercing is a new pronoun #((hc)) #<- thats true hc thats true btw #no1; me; give her more neopronouns *adds lip piercing ontop of everthing else* #ok now im just rambling 2 myself #hit like & subscribe 4 more!!!! #blehhh!!!!!! #i couldve done bart 4 this i realize #mayb i will /shrug #t4t couple i throw them in a blender 2gether #kon el #superboy #conner kent #dc #could this b considered a edit? its more of a collage

[milkbreadtoast]

(random) ngl before i started learning korean i felt like the worst failure of a korean but now i feel like the best failure of a korean (/j) HAHA

like im struggling to speak but least im speaking..!! I feel like I've restored an essential piece of myself that was missing...

#i tweeted this but im prob gonna delete it soon so #puts it here too in case ppl can relate...? lol #since i know its a common immigrant kid experience... #being disconnected from your heritage language i mean #for various reasons... #i thought i was ok w it but its rly a horrible feeling #like i said it felt like smth was missing #and i kinda jokingly self deprecatingly worded it as the best failure of a korean #but thats kind of... accurate fmfbnf like i feel embarrassed that im not fluent and feel like im a baby flailing my arms #but i still feel like even if im imperfect im more... complete #that isnt to say i was incomplete before... or anyone in the same situation is. but its still an exuberant feeling #and helps me get over feeling embarrassed that i suck at kr so bad. like AT LEAST I CAN COMMUNICATE NOW!!! #talk tag #laughing to myself rmbring that me and prob 1000s of other asian americans prob wrote an essay abt being detached from our culture for #our college/scholarship/etc essays #well i didnt know i was lgbt then i had to write abt smth!! and it was eating me up all the time... #i rly hope i can improve my kr more in the coming yrs

[radmista]

Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake

#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update #she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back #i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat #im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it #bc what the fuck #i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages #and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things. #i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit #and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc #it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday #why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up #I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever #i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for #and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about #that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell #why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family #and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call #which gives them space to harass me about work and shit

[shirkers2018dirsanditan]

my luck is so bad it is legitimately just cruel. every day literally feels like i am being punished for every little decision i make. it’s almost hard to believe and yet somehow i’m too dumb to anticipate this…?

#i have previously been burned by usps coming an hour early and not picking up my packages #i woke up at 4:45 am this morning and got out the bed fr by 9. i knew i should have had my packages out as early as possible. #i want to get paid for the items im selling as soon as possible. i want to get a refund for my returns. #and i want these people to get their stuff #yesterday usps returned a package i had sent out to me so its already delayed #i was in the middle of packaging everything up when i noticed a package was delivered #i meant to check my email to see if they sent me that bullshit fucking email claiming to have picked up my packages when they didnt #but got distracted #so naturally. my dad leaves (the only person i could ask to drop packages off at the post office) and only then do i see that dumbass email #delivered an hour ago #i am so serious……..i cannot do this anymore #it is like this every single day #like okay. if the rest of my life is terrible. if i’m losing my mind from social isolation. if my parents quite honestly hate me. #if i have no future and no hope. #if the only interaction i can rely on is friendly coworkers and patrons at the library. #if i have to spend my days off with basically only myself and my dog to talk to. #can the little fucking things go my way? like…half of them? is that possible? #i’m not even asking to have a happy life i’m not asking to be loved i’m not asking to belong i’m not asking for a point to living #man i just want the tiniest of breaks. just. two days out the week? yeah? can i get my fucking packages sent out on time? l #can i get to work on time? with no stress? can i not look forward to eating a salad all day only for my dad to have eaten it? #can i have a normal menstrual cycle? can i stop having back pain? can i be a little comfortable? can i time my birth control correctly? #this is just so exhausting. how am i supposed to do this for years and years and years #my grandma is fucking 91 #my great grandma died at like 93 #i can’t even do another year of this man #i’m dreading my 25 birthday this september #i don’t know how i’m gonna make it to 30 #let alone anything after that #my parents are in their 60s………it’s a nightmare to have to think about living that long

[bunnihearted]

.

#1st ​my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner #so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively #nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way #but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop #i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together #nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done #then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth #when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?' #'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting' #i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room #but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive #so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner #she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to #but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything #she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of #idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone #and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao #i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden #nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd #like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library #i wnna show my mom what books i got #it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality #why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks #anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to

[love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward]

everytime i take a tiny triangle out of the cake i made my brother comes in and cuts off a trapezium, making the cut a single clean line. it would be vaguely funny but like i made the thing and like could he not eat it all without leaving some for me

#rant #i guess #it really fucking annoys me how i have to cut off my share in everything that comes in this house ever #like always stay on alert for your food and stash away your share or its gonna be gone by morning #i dont even know why its making me frustrated enough to cry #its just. nice good food has always been a treat and motivator for me and my brother has a habit of always grabbing my share too #it sounds so silly out of context but like. ive had a lifetime of going through a bad tiring day with nothing to look forward to but #a nap and something i like to eat. and always opening the fridge to an empty container #or worse the box is there but then i get in bed with a book and open the damn thing to find half a spoonful inside. #it would be annoying once or twice but its just. all the fucking time. #i hate this survivalistic shit #its not long before i move out thank god but still #he always did it when i was young and my mom hardly ever said anything #like now if i want i can get myself some treats but when i was younger i didnt have much choice. #i havent had the time to bake in two years and prep plus baking the layer cake took two days. i put so much work in it. #and he ate half of it by the time i came back from fucking peeing. i cant even say anything because he gets fucking angry and aggressive #at the drop of a hat so im. crying in my room about it. look my feelings are not as drownable and consuming now. i generally dont #let things like that affect me too much. but i feel so young again and like the entire world is so unfair. i don't know #writing my feelings out on a tumblr blog is so much better than journalling they should recommend this shit in therapy

[dandyshucks]

everyone pray for me that i did not just give myself food poisoning (;･∀･)

#i may have made a bad decision with the meat i cooked shdjdkl BUT I THINK IT'LL BE FINE #it was past the date on the packaging but it didnt smell or look or feel off at all so . i decided to risk it #and now im panicking bc i think perhaps that was actually rly stupid fhdkdl #but it was. so much money. i had no idea the date was so soon on the package when i got it from mum #I would've frozen it if I'd known dhdksl i should've looked #alas !!! i think it'll be fine tbh bc it genuinely did not seem spoiled at all so ... now we just pray #i had a fairly small serving of it and I'll see how i feel to figure out if the rest of it is safe to eat or not #im just fhdjdkl crying a little rn bc the past two days have been so awful and im so tired #i rly dont want to get sick on top of everything else going on #i would like one thing to go well fjdkdl just like. one thing. this feels like divine punishment for having the old lady group go so well #im just kind of losing my mind rn i think actually fhfkdl i have a therapy/counseling appt on monday though so we'll see if that helps #i do not have high hopes fjfkdl #MANNNN. can the universe give me a break PLEASE. I've been trying so hard the past three weeks to do well 😭😭 #im putting in so much work and effort fhdksl can i PLEASE have this one thing go okay djdksl i do not want to get sick !!! #if i do get sick then im just. hhhhh. idk djdkdl it's just one more thing to add to my pile of Bad ig djdkdl what can ya do djdkdl #i am going to pull myself together and stop crying and go play stardew maybe idk fjdkdl i feel like im starting to crack a little bit #augh. augh. i would love to catch a break djdkdl #dandy.cmd #vent //

[minglana]

girl help my mother has achieved what she couldnt achieve in 23 yrs (give me an ED)

#thanks to the doctor making me go to the nurse this summer and putting me on a 'diet' #WHEN THE NURSE HERSELF SAID I SHOULDNT BE TOO CONCERNED ABT MY WEIGHT bc im young and i shouldnt worry about this #and now my mom wont. stop. making. comments. on what i eat and the excercise i dont do #and the way i eat and when i eat #and its finally eaten at my brain. and now i think about it constantly #and i wanna make it stop bc i cant fucking believe that i didnt listen to her at all when i was at my most vulnerable (a teenager) #but her words have had their effect when i am/should be more ok w myself (not a teenager anymore) #like genuinely how do i stop making myself feel like this and think about this all the time i feel disgusting. i dont enjoy eating anymore #bc im constantly thinking about /not/ eating. or how i shouldnt be eating. or that i shouldnt be hungry #z xarre #AAAAAAANNDDDD i have to go to the n*rse next month to get weighed. and i already know that ill have gained weight. bc at the dorms #i cant like. follow the diet they gave me or whatever. and i eat more and im also hungrier. its so hard to think of eating #as something enjoyable now. literally wanna kms ive never been like this. we've always enjoyed food in my family #bc its the main way we connect and i can connect w my family and my ancestors and my culture. #and i dont wanna stop enjoying food. but the nurse and doctor AND MY MOTHER are making this so hard. #ed mention #weight mention

[aropride]

mfw all the worst case scenarios for this one specific situation have already happened so it can literally only go uphill from here

#text #well it COULD get worse but i doubt it will because if that person tries to do something WORSE ? #girl the investigator and i will have to go smoke a blunt on the porch #Like it eould be really really really stupid of them to make things worse right now #so i am holding out hope that itll be fine. #AND I GOT THROUGH ALL THE WORST CASE SCENARIOS ALREADY. I DIDNT DIE. I DIDNT LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM EVEN #IM EATING IM TALKING TO PEOPLE IM GOING ON WALKS IM GETTING WORK DONE #it could be much worse it Has Been much worse i WILL be okay #school counsellor asked me to list my what if situations and we went thru them and sje was like Nik all this stuff already happened #and i was like. OH. #🗒️

[urostakako]

im a little sad today

#i wish i was a little more functional. that i could understand integrals. that i could finish my projects on time and not get distracted or #bored or upset five minutes in. that i could write everything i want to write without getting exhausted. that i could draw everything #i wanted to without feeling dread and like. idk. maintain something? that i could keep a routine without getting tired of it immediately #that there was enough time in the day to do everything i have and want to do and also sleep and eat and drink and keep clean on time #and be like. healthy. i wish applying for school and aid didnt actively fill me with dread. i wish it didnt feel like so much effort to make #a future for myself. i wish i could be like the others i know who seem to have such a clear and light weight mind unimpeded by roadblocks #i wish i could see my family more often. i wish they would respond when i ask after them. i wish i wasnt filled with panic everytime they #dont because i know that things arent the way they were but i cant seem to let that go even though its been years. i hate that the panic #doesnt go away. i wish i was fine living without them. i wish i was fine on my own. i wish i wasnt so detached to others and that i wasnt so #attached to the ones i love. i wish things were easier and so many things feel out of sight and i KNOW thats not true. i KNOW there is #something there waiting for me and i will be taken care of. i know everything will be fine and nothing is hopeless #but still it feels that way and i hate complaining about my feelings but its not wrong to feel and i know this. #somehow the repetitiveness of my feeling makes me just as tired as if someone else was talking to me about their problems all the time #which is so stupid. idk. #delete later #hanancouldyounot

[girl-bateman]

Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍

#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all #literally my soul is gone or something #i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed #which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually. #ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better #alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off #like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot #like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy #moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously #but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends #i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help #idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho #like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me ! #so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback #kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk #it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore #but who knows 🤷‍♀️ #there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol #that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown #like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way #and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever #and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality #plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good #but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you #but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !

[immamapletreekid]

work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha

#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF #im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently. #im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries #and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future #IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN #i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and #finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes #and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades #isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade #it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that #dictate every single fucking part of my life #and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb #ra and stats and calculus and cs #haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates #i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table #yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first #god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive #all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is #i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again #haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future #i hope i can still have time for hobbies #why si everyone at school so good at everything #ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent #i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states #my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties. #eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo #meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day #how do i become like them #why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence #i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore

[infizero]

grgrhgahahh i wanna read more pokespe but i cant do it on my phone and im not unpacking my stuff until the morning

#this is not a real issue i am plenty entertained rn and also am going to be going #to bed soon anyways. i just am rlly in pksp mood #im in a pkmn mood in general lol ive been reading reguri fics as previously stated #but also i got back into legends arceus earlier today which i havent played in TWO YEARS. which is crazy #and man i fucking loveee playing pkmn i rlly hope they make the next #mainline game not half baked. i didnt get scarlet and violet bcuz of that :( #i had a playthrough of it in the bg but. its not the same #it makes me sad that im not up to date like i dont know any of the new #pokemon i dont know anything about SV's region or characters or story #i want to though. maybe ill get around to actually sitting down and watching a playthrough at some point #i also want to get caught up with pokespe in my reread so my first #experience w SV might be thru spe. which is weird to think about #thats never been the case for me with a pkmn game before #i mean. in terms of just being familiar w the game not playing it myself #i have not played every mainline pkmn game lol #my first one was pokemon pearl. which i never beat. but after that i #got alpha sapphire which i was CRAZYYYY obsessed with. i played that game to the bone til there was #literally nothing left to do other than grind to lvl 100 for the hell of it #pokemon moon is INCREDIBLY special to me for a number of reasons #mainly that it was my first pkmn game that i ANTICIPATED. i remember watching the trailers #over and over. every time they dropped new info i was eating it up. i remember when the starters final evos #were finally revealed i was so excited. and ofc the INSANITY that was the red and blue reveal. good times #but yes i similarly played the shit out of moon til there was nothing left to do. and it was the first one #where i was INCREDIBLY invested in the story. i cared and still care about the alola casrt #soooooo much they were literallyyy my friends. i drew them sooo much. and ofc lillie was one of my #most specialest little blorbos ever. i was in LOVE with her as a kid. it was serious #anyways and then i played pokemon sword which i also love dearly. i beat the main game but i #actually still havent finished the dlc.... but i also care very deeply about the galar cast and drew them a lot as well #and thats all not mentioning from my years long obsession with pokespe lol. but anyways yes #serena.txt