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#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.
immamapletreekid
·
19 days
Text
work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha
#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF
#im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.
#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries
#and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future
#IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN
#i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and
#finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes
#and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades
#isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade
#it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that
#dictate every single fucking part of my life
#and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb
#ra and stats and calculus and cs
#haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates
#i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table
#yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first
#god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive
#all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is
#i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again
#haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future
#i hope i can still have time for hobbies
#why si everyone at school so good at everything
#ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent
#i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states
#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.
#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo
#meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day
#how do i become like them
#why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence
#i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore
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