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#if he cant control possessing people thats fine but i still think they should have mentioned it again

separatist-apologist · 3 months

Note

i know you said you stopped reading them, but were there any dark romances that hit just right for you? i also struggle a lot with liking the idea of a darker romance, but not wanting to read about the mmc assaulting the fmc and they just fall for them anyway. seems like too many dark romance fall under that and i'm left there like... where was the romance in this??

the only one i read recently was twisted emotions by cora reilly which is a mafia romance/arranged marriage. it's dark-ish? like *trigger warning* the fmc was abused as a child, but the mmc had zero to do with that and instead helped her heal. not a great difference, but considering the mmc wasn't the abuser i guess that's a win? i will say i did enjoy this book, but it's one of those MY GOD HIRE AN EDITOR books because i believe the author is german and there's some major spelling/grammatic errors. it was pretty blatant so that sucked, but i did enjoy the characters and i thought she did a good job (as a survivor of child abuse/SA myself) writing a survivor healing and dealing with their trauma and trusting their partner to bring them joy during sex and intimacy.

Again, beneath the cut

I have such a love/hate relationship with dark romance because I'm not opposed to dubious consent (obviously). I think my issue is a lot of dark romance thinks it can only be dark if there is this element of emotional abuse that I find difficult to deal with, especially if its not resolved.

So like, the MMC kidnaps her, or he won't let her leave his home without watching her 24/7 because she belongs to him, to the point that he controls her phone, her finances, her friends and everything else. And I think a dark romance book could start that way but there should be growth, you know? You can be possessive and also trusting? Like why CANT she leave without an escort, why do you need to watch her 24/7? Why can't she work if she wants to, why does the FMC have to give up her autonomy entirely in order for the romance to work. I don't like that and I know a lot of people do which is fine, but it doesn't feel like a happy ending.

I also don't like the arrogant "im so hot i could have anyone i want and youre lucky im even looking at you" MMC that seems so popular in dark romance. What happened to being pathetic? What happened to being down bad for one woman to the point youd ruin the world for her, you know? You can be a piece of shit and still wet and pathetic, like sir you can really have it all.

I think my issue is the MMC is never required to grow or change and its the FMC who accommodates him and in the end decides she actually likes this/prefers it and so he is never required to compromise or alter his life for her to prove he loves her. Again. Bring back sopping wet men.

And finally, I wish dark romance would center on themes outside of just sexual assault. I am weary of the "hes so hot that sexual assault is forgivable" like girl c'mon. What if we just leaned into the murder, example, you know? That's enough to give ANYONE pause, if I was dating a man and found out he was killing people regardless of the justification I might have some thoughts like "what the fuck" and "hello 911?"

And if he is murdering its always this backflipping justification for why thats okay like i don't know, maybe we just. Call it what it is, ya feel? He's killing people, thats wild. No need to add morality to it, maybe he just likes to blow off steam by killing strangers.

Anyway all this to say no, I haven't read anything I really liked outside of fanfiction. Maybe I'll give your recommendation a shot and see how I feel about it.

#haters bookclub #if you do have a dark romance rec you can always hit me up #but i think this year im going to actually read all the monster books you all sent me #and i gotta read some of the omegaverse books #i have the dumbest idea based on those alpha books you always see on facebook #you know the ones im talking about #i want to write a parody of this so bad for feysand

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furiosity-wills-the-cat · 3 years

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Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

#no mercy #as a warning tag #chara undertale #napstablook undertale #fic tag #meta #analysis #crack theroy #undertale #i didnt edit this very much #so if there are any major typos or parts that didnt make sense #or were illegible #feel free to let me know so i can clarify

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slidewhistlebj · 4 years

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TUA Season 2 is finally here! I think it was a really cool season with some really awesome potential, but there are some parts that I think really didn’t work and this is how i think they should have been fixed

(Spoilers for Season 2 of the Umbrella Academy. Obviously)

i think landing the siblings in different years was amazing, they got time to explore themselves and we could see their personalities through what they did

On the other hand, they didnt devote enough time to those storylines so it never felt like they had a solid purpose (for most of the siblings), it was more to show “time has passed”

How did Luther end up boxing under a gangster? How is he adjusting to no dad, no academy?? He was alone on the moon, He was left behind by his siblings in the academy, now he is alone and in a whole other *time* like i wanna hear about that!

Klaus has mansion and a cult and had a girlfriend benefactor lady?? Like: lets get into that! if the show wants humor that can be amazing

but it can also be really interesting and deep for exploring klaus’s need for both personal space (physically and somewhat emotionally) yet also his need for positive attention from whoever will give it to him!

More on that alone now track: the opening scene with their fighting was built to get us hyped

it fucking worked, that shit was amazing

but along with wishing that we saw more of their individual stories, i wish some of their growth had been gradual

like Klaus should have been showing off ghost stuff with his cult which is part of why they follow him which would set up his new ability to summon and conjure multiple ghosts at a time

instead of it being a throw away scene at the end where he gets caught

or Diego could have been shown in his ‘alone in dallas’ storyline to be trying to escape multiple times from the asylum and in that, figuring out his ability to start affecting other peoples shots at him, etc

Stuff like that would have been a great way to both dive into the characters *and* ramp up their abilities

Moving onto The Commission who i absolutely love so so much

Hell yeah u funky lil time-space assassins

I think that the Handler should have stayed dead

her return to the show while awesome (because she is played so well by her actress) continues this problem for the show of seemingly running in place where things dont have consequences like they should

I also think her return made a very campy feel to certain parts which is fine, the story should have fun! but it doesnt fit with the vibe very well with the other more serious plots

Imagine a storyline where the Handler is replaced by Carmichael, a competent replacement with no close personal relationship to Five

A head to head show down throughout the season of Five trying to outthink and outwit Carmichael and Commission Agents to get a briefcase

The misdirects!

The drama!

The action sequences and reveals!

More Screen Time for the Cool Ass Talking Fish 2k20!

All of which culminates in the board of directors scene but now with real weight behind it for the audience because we have been watching these two face off with one another for a season of build up

LET FIVE EAT THE FISH!

Giving that scene to the handler was the worst part of the whole season, u cant change my mind bros

This would also open up Lila to be more of her own person

Her storyline would change without the Handler there so that instead of being actively manipulated by the Handler, she has gone rogue from the commission to kill Five for her parents deaths due to previous planning and programming from her mother

(its only been 14 days for Five, a very normal turn around for him to desert, have the Handler tell Lila her version of the story, get killed, and have Lila get ready to take him down)

its generally the same plot, but Lila is more in the drivers seat

Going from tagging along with Diego in the hopes that Five returns for him to questioning some of her commitment to her mission as she spending time with them, etc

it could culminate in a reveal of her mother to Five and Diego and then a redemption where she helps them get a case from Carmichael in someway, looping her into the main plot in an important way with generally the same story

but skipping the pretty basic “obviously evil character is obviously evil but hero doesn't see it” trope that they fell into

I think that Luther’s arc in this season was awesome 10/10 gold standard

he was still him, but this storyline showcases the softer side of his loyalty and lets him grow from season 1 mistakes which is everything I hoped for

Comforting Vanya? Check

Being there for Five? Check

Being a voice of reason but still being a dumbass? Cheeeeeck

Diegos arc this season fell flat for me which was hard because he was such a main part of the plot

This whole season had a build-up trying to break down Diego’s need to be a hero (which they turned to a fucking 11 from last season?? he was not *this* intense last season, im not quite sure why they made the switch), telling him that he isnt / cant be the hero

I assumed this was leading to Diego having a big moment or sacrifice that proved that hero or not, he cares and the effort that he puts into all of these different things matters

But it just didnt??

He didnt stop the president from being assassinated, he didnt save vanya, at the farm he got trapped under a tractor

it just felt like the point was “haha see he isnt a hero”

which,,,,,,okay? What the point of that??

His involvement with the Commision was weird too, i didnt care for him being a part of that storyline very much, it just didnt add anything

Allison’s arc was just on the edge of greatness for me

it was an awesome choice to put in her in a position where she wasnt treated equally and show exactly what kind of person she is by how she fights back

her not using her rumors also seems very genuine and character based here like: 10/10 character motivations and work

My one complaint, like with just about all the partners in this season, is that she fell in love with a man and just had to leave him

which makes sense and they talk about it but like: she loves him, its hard to picture someone as loving and loyal as Allison just leaving her husband behind forever

Klaus’s arc just needed more *time*

He is a hella deep character but all of his story lines needed more time to be able to address that complexity

Show us more of the cult and his ghost powers being used there to trick and amaze and how he has been handling being cut off from the family again

I,,,,,,I understand,,,dave’s storyline

I get the time period

but fuck

that just hurts

I think Klaus not trying to rekindle his relationship with a younger Dave, but trying to protect him from the war was an amazing angle and it needed more time to get the full punch of klaus pulling out all the stops to save him but failing to really land it

Five

My Son

My Trash Boy

I feel like his job as ‘leader of the stop the apocalypse’ movement is good but that was his whole story this time around

He should have gotten more to play off of with the Commission (*cough cough* Carmichael) in his fight to get a briefcase instead of what felt like 10 hours of Five trying to herd his siblings and them just fucking up in someway or another

Five and Older Five was a cool dynamic and im glad they brought him in but again, it just felt like another long storyline attempt that didnt have a purpose as they ended the scene without the case or anything new

Ben’s arc was,,,,,strange

I love Ben and i think his interplay with Klaus is really cool!

But the writers made him fall in love which someone so they could give him a reason to want to possess Klaus which i feel like didnt need to happen

The possession was a good part of the season and could have been taken to some awesome places

It was rough and the ‘consent’ wasnt run entirely well but i think the possession is supposed to be on the line and not quite black and white

its Ben asking to take control of Klaus! That can be conflict! Thats good stuff right there! Ben is selfish! so is Klaus! thats a cool story to get into between them and see how they try to work it out

Ben wanting to connect with his other siblings after the small taste of being corporeal that he got and pushing Klaus for more and more of that freedom into possession territory would be A+ shit

and Finally: Vanya!

I think most amnesia plots are lazy and just a way to stall progress and reset a character so you can run a very similar plot again but this one seemed to genuinely grow Vanya’s character, even when she remembered

She definitely has more personality in this season

And while shes quiet, thats just who she is, she isnt as afraid to take space and speak up which is awesome!

And this stays when she gets her memory back which is very good, i dont want to see backsliding for no reason! Give me growth!

I have two complaints about her storyline though

First Sissy and Harlan

I love both of them and I think they are really cool characters!

Theyre pretty similar to vanya season 1, taking whatever is thrown at them which places Vanya in a more assertive position where she wants to protect them which i loved!

but their ending doesn't sit entirely right with me, just like Raymonds

These characters are in love and they all just leave each other so that the siblings can have a clean, no characters permanently added slate for the next season

it just makes me tired and i really want season 3 to have little to no romance if the only way the show can go about it is to do a love interest per season

My second problem gets its own section because it is the culmination of everything else i have said

episode ten

Vanya is strong af so any writer that wants big final fight needs to very carefully weigh out how to give each sibling their appropriately sized struggle so they get equal ability to contribute

Instead of doing that though, they did my least favorite trope: Evil Character secretly can do everything the heros can but better and without a problem or ***training***

It meant that they could do whatever they wanted with throwing commission agents at them because Luther, Allison, and Klaus were completely added on just to react to things

Five sort of got to do some fighting (<3 thats my lil geriatric 13 year old) but it was minor, he was mainly there to very obviously turn back time when the big bad shoot out happened

Diego got the most to do out of the siblings and it was suddenly knowing a new ability and doing it a little bit

I dont want a final fight to be trying to woo a bad guy to the good side because theyre too strong to fight

I want there to be stakes and drama as the siblings show off exactly what the season was all about, what they learned, how they grew together and apart, etc and to take down the big bad which could have very easily been the united front of the Commission instead of 18% Vanya, 15% Harlan, 30% Lila and the Handler, 20% the Swede(s), etc

Lila’s turn to good could have been to help them sneak attack the commission, maybe in their base so as to shrink the fighting to manageable bites for each character?

That would have allowed five’s killing of the board to draw the fighting to a close, a hard decision for him as he is trying to move away from killing but does so to save his family, always to save his family :’(

Luther could protect his siblings from hits like they showed at the beginning in a way that mirrors how he has been doing that emotionally all season

etc etc etc for all of the siblings so that they each get to show off and have their moment in the spotlight as heros

I loved the season even though i just ranted for like 3 pages, and it has some of the best one liners and line readings ever (”Thats where you come in Five” “Nope. No it isnt”) I just wish that some parts of it had been given some more thought / care so they could really show of the amazing cast, effects, sets, etc without writing in the way

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scientists123 · 4 years

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The Guardian

School was very horrible place i ever be. because whenever i am , i always have people who liked to bully me . From elementary school until the high school . The teacher always dont give attetion fro that , cause their busy to own business . But that different when i was in school , there is someone who really cared to me , when i got bullied he always there to protect me and even scold the students that bullied me so hard . He is the teacher that everyone was scared . Because his look is so scary , they think . But not with me , i feel he is like my guardian , he always care to me and give me attention .

On day when the bell home was ringing , i am getting disturb again by group of students . When i was walking im the hallway , that students stop me and drag me to the backyard. So , no one will see that horrible scene .

"hey neerdy boy , dont come home so fast . You still have problem with us ." said the leader of group

"yeah , because of you Mr.erick . That PE teacher who always protect you reported us to the pricipal office " said the short one

"so we got detention because of thar , we were get suspension for 2 weeks . " said the blonde girl

"yeah , because of what you did you..... " before i finish my word . One punch hit my face.

"ouch......"

"stop talking , let we bullied you first . "

Then the groups of student start to bullied me , they punch me on my face and stomach , they pushed me to the ground , they grabbed my hair and even he broke my glasses . Thats moment its so terrible to remember , thats gonna leave a mark and give some rage to get revenge . But what can i do , im weak and nerd . Can be fight against that guys . After i was on the ground groan cause the pain , they leave me alone in the backyard .

After five minutes later , i get up and the sunset is already home . Its time to going home . But when i walked out from school . The teacher approaching me , he is so tall and have brown skin tone , wearing that scout uniform . When he is near i already know who he is , he is Mr.Erick that i talking about before . He seems so shocked seing my apperance like that .

"oh my god , adam . What happen to you , did you get bullied again . Damn that kid is making problem again "

"yes Mr.Erick . But please dont tell anyone or i will get some punch again from they . "

"okay , i guess they give me no choice adam. You must come with me to my house .i'll show you something "

"what we are going to do ?"

"its suprise heheheheh, okay now hop in to my motorcycle . Lets go to my house "

So i was do what he told , i hop on to his motorcycle . He gave me helmet to protect my head and also he wear it too . Then they start the engine and riding his house .

When we are there already , He told me to come in . After that , he let me sit down in living room.

"hmmm , Mr.erick where's anyone else . Like your parents or your wife ."

"hahahahah, i dont have one . I live alone here "

"okay . "

"adam , since i always care to and want you to be come safe. I want you to do something "

"okay , what can i do"

"ok here's the plan . I want you to go inside my body and possess my body . I know its sound carzy , but this only choice .

"what !!! , ehm eh.. I dont know what to do Mr.Erick "

"dont be suprise like that , the process is so simple . All you have to do is focusing on my body. Thinking about my body and from behind my back your try to push in to my body ."

"ehmm. Is it okay Mr.Erick? What happen to you then"

"its fine , i will be in the backseat watching all the stuff . But i cant do anything , cause it will be you controlling my body ."

"aah okay . "

"lets start "

Mr. Erick start get up and me too . Then he faced up to the wall and i behind him . I try to start focusing about his body and i start to push his back while i close my eyes cause im scared. I begin the feels that i already reach his back. I try to push hard but it cant

"try harder kid , keep focusing on my body ."

I'll do what he do and suddenly i feel my hands was penetrate all way inside his back. He start moan so sexy cause feel the relieved by possessing .

"aaaaaaaaah......... Keep doing it kid , its feel so nice and good. "

So i start to push harder all away to his back . My hands already inside his body . Then i start to lift my feet one by one to his backs . He moan agains so hard. Afterthat i enter my body and in and left my head still outside his body

"Mr.Erick are you sure about this?"

"yeah , keep doing it you always finish kid . Aaaaaaah...... Damn , i didnt know this feel so good . "

"okay then , i will in "

I pushed my head enter his backs , then everythings wents black . I open my eyes , i look down to my body. I wear his scout uniform.

"Wow , Mr.Erick this is feels great . Im inside your body and controlling it ." i said using his manly sexy voice . I began to look at my hands that have diffrent skin tone than mine . I look to the mirror try to see his Mr.erick handsome face , i start to do sexy impression and fixing my hair. After that i start to flexing all those muscle so well in his scout uniform . Its shows his bigger guns and other else muscle. I do it like bodybulider i see on tv , exactly like that .

SEE the video here

"with these big guns on my arm , nobody will bullied me again. " i said while i gave scary smile . Smile of revenge .

These feeling being inside Mr.Erick body makes me so hard . Even his penis harder so his pants is get tightened . Thats give me sign i should do . I going staright to his bathroom and take it off his uniform .there's still a shirt under his uniform . So i take it off , when i do that. I was stop cause i see that abs popped up , hard like wooden board. I take Mr.Erick phone and start to snap it , how beautiful it is . After that i continue take it off shirt and underwear and let his body naked .i see his dick is so long and harder , so much hair around that . So i start to stroke it while i was touching his hard abs. After some long time i stroke , the white liquid was get shots to his body and even his face too . I dont know why i start to lick that white liquid on my face . Then i clean his body out and get back to his room and Sleeping.

Next morning i wake up , i still his body . I search the clothes for i go to work at school. Luckily he have some clothes to wear. So didnt mind if the old one is dirty because his cum. I choose the white shirt for going to school . Cause i heard there will be a meeting between teachers. So i choose that formal one .then i ride his motorcycle .start going to school. I really cant wait for getting those kid some physicall detention and getting kicked out from . Im not afraid of being bullied again cause im most being scared in school and also i have this all muscle .

#male possession

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just-my-fandom · 5 years

Text

The Hidden World (Eret x Haddock! Reader)

So I heard you saw the third How to Train Your Dragon, and I was wondering if I could get an Eret x Haddock! Reader where the reader is the first child and by the third movie, is married to Eret and is pregnant. She isn't allowed to battle the man searching for her brothers Dragon, Grimmel and is put in danger during the last fight

Characters; Hiccup, Astrid, Tuffnut, Ruffnut, Fishlegs, Snotlout, Valka, Eret, mentions ofk Stoick, Grimmel, The Light Fury, and Toothless

Warnings; SPOILERS FOR THE NEW MOVIE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Dt: @theperksofbeingafangirl2

This story is a long one. Have fun reading!

________________________________________

"Where could it be?"

You watch with a frown as Hiccup runs a hand through his dirty brown hair, his fingers trailing over the map on the ground,

"Dad has searched high and low for the Hidden World. Are we sure its still there?" You ask your younger brother, who looks up at you, watching you poor a cup of tea and place your free hand on your large bump,

"I promised him I would find it. I just need to do something to make him proud," Hiccup sighs, and blinks as you sit down next to him, hand at his shoulder,

"Hiccup, there is nothing you can do that could make Dad more proud than he already was of you. You're chief for heavens sake," You explain,

"So are you," Hiccup raises an eyebrow, and you laugh warmly, a laugh you've inherited from Valka,

"Yes, but only because Im first born. Im not as great of a chief as you are," You wink, looking up at a creak from the flooring above you,

Smile dropping, you set down your cup, Hiccup rising to his feet and pulling out his flame thrower,

"Who is it? Its the middle of the night," You speak quietly, Hiccup raising a hand, then spins around, weapon drawn,

"Awe, how cute," A figure steps out from the shadows, eyes training on you as Hiccup helped you stand, arm out in front of his older sibling, "Like brother like sister,"

"Grimmel," You breathe, Hiccup glancing over, "Who?"

"Eret told me of him. The one who kills night furys," You run your hand down your stomach, Grimmels eyebrows raising with realisation,

"You're the famous wife who married a past dragon hunter? So stupid I must say. You're the first child of Stoick the Vast, you must set an example to your people!"

You clench your jaw, Grimmel holding up a dart. Hiccup quickly stands in front of you, blocking you, but the dart is instead impaled into Toothless' sleeping form across the room

"Toothless!" Hiccup shouts, teeth baring as he looked back at Grimmel,

"What do you want with us?"

Grimmel laughs, loudly, "I want your dragon. I want them all!! Ever since I was little, Ive killed dragons bigger and smaller than me. Youve got no chance against me boy,"

"Really?" Hiccup presses his fingers to his lips, sharply whistling, five forms jumping out with weapons, Fishlegs sitting up with a fake dragon mask and slurring his words, seeming he was hit by the dart instead,

"We got you," And he falls forward, out,

Grimmels laugh lowers into a dark chuckle, snapping his fingers to alert his own poisoned controlled dragons, "No," His eyes lock with yours, "I got you,"

Two dragons bust through the wood of your home, spitting out green venom that spread through the walls and erupted in flames,

"Everyone retreat! Get out of here!!" Hiccup stumbles back, swiping at a dragon, and you turn around, pushing past a table to rush across the room,

Flames envelope into a blockade in front of you, the red reflecting off your orbs, stomach tightening in fear,

"This way!" Valka takes your arm, leading her daughter to the left, outside of the burning building,

You look up, gasping, scanning the town of Berk to see every home sizzling to the ground,

. . Meanwhile at Town Hall . .

"Can everyone please be quiet!?"

Your scream brings silent to the town hall, every viking and dragon stopping to stare at the first child of Stoick,

"Yes, we are all scared, terrified even, because Grimmel now knows the amount and types of dragons we hold in our possession. But we cant fight out of fear. We fight out of the thought of loosing everything we battled for in the past, our dragons. Our home,"

You lower your head, inhaling, "When Hiccup and I are gone later in the past, we all know my son will be the one stepping up. Dont do this just for us, but for the sake of Berk and my father,"

Vikings murmur in agreement, Valka smiling softly, where you nod once, and sink down into your seat, "We'll be moving momentarily to a hidden island my brother and I found on the coast not too far from here. It'll keep the dragons, and all of you safe,"

You run a hand through your hair, sighing heavily, Hiccup putting a hand on your shoulder and squeezing,

"Let me take care of the rest. You need a break, the stress isnt good for the baby,"

You look up at your sibling, putting your hand on his and squeezing back, smiling gently,

. . Hours later . .

"Okay okay!" Hiccup laughs as the group under him lunge him into the air, catching him easily and pushing him up again, "I feel more sick than joyful,"

He is put down, dizzily grabbing onto Gobbers arm and covering his mouth,

"Heh heh," Gobber snorts, "At least your not your sister, getting sick for the past seven months straight,"

Hiccup rolls his eye's, just as your form moves past him, calling for your mother as she landed Cloudjumper, jumping off and anxiously looking around,

Hiccup watches at the two women meet up, Valka pressing her hands to the bump that held her unborn grandchild, looking up at her daughter,

"Are you harmed? Your brother?"

"What?" You breathe, "Mom, we're okay. What did you see?"

"We're being followed," Valka alerts, "Grimmel is still out for us,"

"Well what are we doing here? We need to go stop him and get it through his head thats hes not having our dragons," You snarl, Valka waving a finger and shaking her head,

"No ma'am. You are staying here. You're going to be a mother soon, you need to rest, and care for the baby whether he's arrived yet or not. Your husband can agree with me,"

You frown, turning to Eret for help, but he crosses his muscular arms and moves his eyes to you,

"Your mothers right, Y/N. I'll have Skullcrusher here with you, and take one of the other dragons. But you cant go with us, its not safe,"

"But its safe for you to go," You rub your temple, nodding and clicking your tongue, "Got it. My child could lose his father but what does that matter,"

You move away, walking towards the hut made, tapping Skullcrushers nose and directing him to follow you,

"Y/N," Eret calls in a sigh, Valka waving him off, "Its the side effects of pregnancy, dear. You should know this by now,"

Its mere four hour later before talking is heard outside, your form leant against Skullcrusher as you sung to your stomach, your own dragons head laid in your lap,

The huts curtain pulls open, Eret stepping inside, removing his armor and wincing at the burns and cuts on his arms and chest,

"You look terrible," You attempt to heave yourself up, Skullcrusher leaning his head against your back to brush you to your feet, "What happened?"

"He expected us there," Eret removes his shirt, revealing a wound across his lower stomach, "We were attacked and almost trapped,"

Your eyes scan his toned chest, hand brushing the bruises littering his chest and shoulder, before gliding your hand to his face,

"But you survived, thats all that matters. Come sit down and let me clean you up," You usher, Eret placing his large hand over yours and wrapping his fingers to envelope your small hand,

"I'll be fine. Why arent you resting?" He whispers lowly, "You need sleep,"

"Stop thinking about me for once, I wont die," You huff, thumb brushing his jaw, "Let me take care of you,"

"I know a couple of ways," Eret presses his lips hot to yours, that curled upwards as you laugh warmly and press your hand to his chest,

"Nice try Romeo. Go sit down while I get the aid supplies,"

Your husband narrows his eyes, chuckling as he slides away and sinks down to sit next to Skullcrusher,

"Were you at least able to find what he wanted with the dragons?" You sit down on Erets lap, bump pressed to his stomach, and you dab a wet cloth to his busted lip,

"Hes not too fond of Toothless and the Light Fury Hiccup talks about," Eret runs his large hands over your stomach, under your shirt to get as close to his child as he could, "The other dragons are just of use for a certain venom that can control them,"

"That sounds dangerous, and something my brother would want to get into and stop," You sigh, running the cloth down his neck to his shoulder,

Eret hisses at a pierced cut, that burned as you dabbed it. "Easy," You soothe, and put your hand over his that rested over your bump, "Easy,"

"You're going to be a great mother," Eret speaks up, and you smile after placing a bandage at his wound, looking up to meet his eye's,

"And youre going to be a great father," Leaning forward, you slowly link your lips to his, his hand sliding in your hair as you both smile, before he pulls you against him and (Dragon/Name) is pulling a blanket over you with their tail,

. . The Battles Over . .

"You've had to deal with us long enough Bud," Hiccup slides a hand over Toothless' head, the dragon closing his eyes and purring, "Now its your time to go, and be with her,"

Toothless opens his eye's, confusion flickering, then looks over at a child wail,

Walking past the crowd was the first born Haddock and Eret, a bundle of blue held in your arms,

Your eyes were blood shot red, most likely from the labor, but a smile would not leave your lips as your dragon slowly leaned in, sniffing your son,

Your dragon presses their snout to (Sons/Name)s foot, then purrs as they lick your cheek lightly,

Skullcrusher scans your child, noticing how he had somehow inherited the slight gene of Stoicks hair, but had Erets eyes and your nose and face,

"We're living our life," Hiccup whispers to Toothless, "Its time to live yours,"

Toothless had pulled away from his rider, inching towards the sister of the chief and (Sons/Name)s cries had stopped at the sight of the Dragon, a squeal causing Toothless, your dragon, and Skullcrusher to jump,

You laugh softly, free hand rubbing Toothless' snout, and you lean against the dragon,

"Its time for you to start your own family Buddy. Where they'll take after you and continue your job," You look down at your son, a tear slipping down your cheek,

"The same goes for the rest of you,"

Eret slides his arms under your child to take him into his grasp, so you could unclip the saddle from your dragon and slide it off their back,

You caress her head, nose to hers, and you sniffle, "I'm going to miss you,"

(Dragon/Name) whimpers, and you pinch your eye's shut, hearing the clicks of every Viking undoing their dragons saddles,

"Go," You slide your hands away, (Dragon/Name) blinking before glancing at Skullcrusher, and they both jump up, flying to follow the rows of dragons,

Toothless looks back, watching you slide your hand your mouth, Eret wrapping an arm at your shoulder and placing his hand at your head, lips to your temple,

You walk up to Hiccup, arms throwing themselves around his neck, his own wrapping at your torso as he silently releases a sob, fingers clutching at your back side,

Toothless frowns, but lunges off, disappearing in the clouds above,

"We're going to be okay," You open your eye's, orbs glistening as your dragons roar is heard in the distance, "We always are,"

The End

A/N: DID I DO IT RIGHT?????

#how to train your dragon 3 #hiccup haddock #eret son of eret #eret x reader #eret imagine #how to train your dragon eret #httyd 3 #httyd eret #httyd eret son of eret #valka haddock #stoick the vast #how to train your dragon the hidden world #httyd the hidden world

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relationship-advice · 5 years

Note

Hi, can i ask sth, i have bf who has ex gf. we all coworkers, and i somehow got friendly with her, and we hang out a lot,(he left her cause shes shy), and whenever i call her with us, he ignores her or is rude, says shes snake, i feel sorry 4 her cause she didnt do anythng wrong, i noticed her and approached, and i'm the 1 who initiates that hanging out, but shes the 1 who gets in trouble, she says it's ok and she always goes home, but i want to hang out with her 2, how do i make it happen? :'(

cont: (2) i love him but he thinks she got some plan, i know she doesn't she even likes someone else, but he just cant stand her, she says hi, he ignores. Past 3 months me and her got to work togthr a lot, thats how we met,(i like shy ppl as friends) and at the time i knew who she was, she didn't know who i was.. it's also stressful to her when he does that, but i just love hanging out with both, pls help, he also says his behavior is natural when it comes to ex.. :((

--------------------

I feel like there are two separate issues that need to be addressed here: your problems interacting with his ex, and your boyfriend’s attitude towards his ex.

If you are friends with his ex, that is totally fine. In my opinion, that must mean a lot to her, and it might be a little bit uncomfortable for your boyfriend to handle. But, you should be able to be friends with whoever you want in a relationship, and your boyfriend should not have the right to stand in the way of you making new friends.

You say it is hard to hang out with her because of your boyfriend being mean to her- just make plans that don’t include your boyfriend. Hang out one-on-one with her, but let your boyfriend know that you’re going to do that, because he seems like the type to get angry if he doesn’t know what you’re doing (I could be wrong about this.

Now to address your boyfriend’s issues with his ex. It is kind of worrisome to me that he is so mean to his ex, when she is still being nice to him. As his current girlfriend, aren’t you worried that he is going to be like that to you if you break up? I can’t judge his character, but he seems to be a bit possessive and controlling of you, especially when you are around other people. If you are not comfortable with that, let him know. Tell him to give you some space to hang out with people, maybe even mention that it makes you uncomfortable/sad that he is so mean to his ex.

I hope you can hang out with this new friend of yours more, it seems like she’s a great person!

~ Mae

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hgfstreamchats · 7 years

Text

The Room

Welcome to the 'highglossfinish' room. Jalaperilo: Hello! Knock Out: Hello, Jalaperilo human! Jalaperilo: *squints* Jalaperilo: what the hell? Knock Out: I have no clue. Jalaperilo: haha Jalaperilo: who made you do this? Knock Out: Excellent question. Jalaperilo: somehow, this isn't worst than The Room? Knock Out: Oh, that's encouraging. Jalaperilo: Oh doc, you're in for a treat Knock Out: I can't wait.

Jalaperilo: the first time I watched this was also on a random stream i found. it was also the stream where I found the epic horror that is Re-Animator Knock Out: Which we also need to stream someday. Knock Out: Are...are they all interfacing with each other? Jalaperilo: please dont judge human interfacing on this film Knock Out: No promises. Knock Out: Dear Unicron, get on with it. Jalaperilo: im dying Knock Out: Gah! Jalaperilo: i have my head in my hands Knock Out: That was completely relevant and necessary. Jalaperilo: just like this movie Jalaperilo: cause hes terrible in bed Knock Out: What, humans don't like spastic little hip twitches? Jalaperilo: that arent in the vicinity of where they should actually be thrusting? Knock Out: He tried. Sort of. Jalaperilo: does he get a gold star with 'you tried' on it? Knock Out: He gets one of the lopsided ones. Matches his technique. Jalaperilo: hahah! Knock Out: Gladly. Jalaperilo: hehe Jalaperilo: oh no. please dont. he's my friend *DOES NOTHING TO RESIST SLEEPING WITH HER* Knock Out: Way to stick to your guns there, human we just met. Jalaperilo: he has the breaking strain of a kit kat Knock Out: Hah! Knock Out: What actually is he supposed to be penetrating? Knock Out: *exactly Jalaperilo: unless she has some weird random holes in her, i dont know what theyre stabbing at Knock Out: That's the plot twist. Jalaperilo: thats she's actually a sponge Knock Out: Or in possession of some kind of prehensile protein sleeve. Jalaperilo: erg Knock Out: Go back to the fat pug. Jalaperilo: this kid is creepy Knock Out: He grew up to be one of the sex offender shufflers. Jalaperilo: hahah! Jalaperilo: she ordwered the worst pizza Knock Out: Isn't that supposed to be one of those human foods you can't ruin? Knock Out: And yet, somehow, she did? Jalaperilo: please dont maake love again Knock Out: Oh, please, no. Not again. Knock Out: Have mercy. Jalaperilo: you cant get away ko Jalaperilo: we both have to live with this Knock Out: We have to live with his sloppy twitches. thenightetc: ...What did I walk in on Jalaperilo: get out while you can Jalaperilo: hello btw Knock Out: Run, and live well. Knock Out: And hello. thenightetc: (Lost track of time and tumblr decided not to alert me that there were new posts! :') ) Jalaperilo: blah blah blah btw i have cancer. anyway.... thenightetc: the acting is really... something. Jalaperilo: have you never seen this before either? Jalaperilo: you're in for as right treat thenightetc: I have not. I've just heard it's notoriously terrible thenightetc: It's the... Wisseau thing right? Knock Out: It is indeed. Jalaperilo: yes Knock Out: Who's this unfortunate soul? thenightetc: :( Jalaperilo: urgh thenightetc: I was 80% sure that was leading up to murder thenightetc: Just felt like one of those scenes, y'know? Jalaperilo: probably would have done the plot a favour with a murder or two Knock Out: That makes it worse! Cardinal: Hello, hello! Knock Out: Cardinal! How good to see you! Jalaperilo: hello! Knock Out: But how tragic you're here. thenightetc: So, ah, what all did I miss in terms of plot? thenightetc: ...Oh? Murder time NOW? Jalaperilo: tommy is the best ever, lisa hates him one minute and loves him the next Jalaperilo: you also missed2 bad sex scenes Jalaperilo: there is no cohearent plot Cardinal: I see what you mean by tragic. thenightetc: He was JUST yelling about money, it's obvious "what he wants" Jalaperilo: how does one accidentally buy drugs lol thenightetc: Where did that guy come from Knock Out: They obviously care deeply for the 36 year old man they adopted. Jalaperilo: haha thenightetc: oh no Jalaperilo: stop making aliens think humans are terrible at sex! thenightetc: Please tell me they're not going to phone sex now Starscreamapillar: Good, I have not missed out on too much madness. Knock Out: No, just several abysmal fragging scenes. Knock Out: Welcome to the disaster, by the way. Cardinal: Oh, did I miss the stair sex? Cardinal: ha ha ha what a story mark Starscreamapillar: I am not at all displeased to have missed out on those. Jalaperilo: lucky you cardinal thenightetc: Yes count your blessings Knock Out: What a charmer. Jalaperilo: thanks for dissing my gender thenightetc: I wish they'd both fall off the roof. Starscreamapillar: This human learned how to speak from the Internet, didn't he. Knock Out: Shuut Cardinal: *gun fingers* shuut thenightetc: What is he implying here Jalaperilo: there is a big theory on the net that tommy wiseau isnt actually human Cardinal: hahn? Knock Out: That's...actually quite plausible? thenightetc: It's not nice to mock whatever speech impediment or accent or whatever he has, guys. Starscreamapillar: Are conversations normally carried out at a recline like that? thenightetc: Why is her friend all shocked that she doesn't want to marry the guy who hit her thenightetc: Terrible friend Jalaperilo: this is how humans emote yes? Starscreamapillar: Apparently. FeralDog: goonai lisa Starscreamapillar: Ah yes. They are in the totally real alley. Cardinal: Of course! FeralDog: this looks so.... buffy the vampire slayer knockoff FeralDog: I keep expecting the undead to strike thenightetc: I keep hoping for the undead to strike. FeralDog: you know... Knock Out: This movie is like a victim of head trauma, dazed and wandering through a field somewhere. FeralDog: there supposedly was a vampire subplot that Wiseau nixed? Jalaperilo: hyoomans throw football as bonding yes? Cardinal: ((Apparently Tommy Wiseau did originally want to enter onto the roof on a flying car Cardinal: ((and--yeah, the vampire reveal)) thenightetc: Oh boy! Is he dying Cardinal: ((But he didn't nix it, he wanted it Cardinal: ((they talked him out of it Starscreamapillar: And then he ate that younger man. Jalaperilo: he ends up eating somethign alright thenightetc: ...well, that's not alarming Jalaperilo: the only plot this film has is everyone is terrible except tommy who is perfect Starscreamapillar: Somehow I get the feeling even watching this from the beginning wouldn't have it make any more sense. FeralDog: he's not even looking at the psych Starscreamapillar: I doubt that man's credentials. FeralDog: he says dejectedly Jalaperilo: time to tell us how *** women are? FeralDog: yep Cardinal: oh no the psychologist knows thenightetc: Johnny does sort of look like he's halfheartedly dressing up as a vampire Cardinal: "Can I meet the married woman you're boinking?" thenightetc: Totally normal question to ask Knock Out: I feel like I've blown a neural circuit. Jalaperilo: you made love twivce in this film already FeralDog: You keep playing psychologist with us! now let me ask you questions a psychologist should answer! Cardinal: Shh, shhhh. Let the words eat away at your processor. The pain will recede soon. Jalaperilo: cheep cheep cheep thenightetc: oh god Starscreamapillar: .... Cardinal: cheep cheep cheep thenightetc: is he going to--No, I guess not Cardinal: I NEVER ATE SO MUCH FeralDog: the only sane comment Jalaperilo: *wink* FeralDog: this sounds like he's making it up as he goes and the music is not helping thenightetc: ...I don't think that's how checks work Jalaperilo: just ndissing the *** outta you lisa Starscreamapillar: I don't think any of this is how it works. Cardinal: Denny why are you sitting on the floor Starscreamapillar: Sit on the floor, with the front door open. Jalaperilo: denny asked her for a kiss earlier thenightetc: Do iiiiiiit FeralDog: i almost feel like the vampire subplot would make this make sense. in a he's hypnotized too many people and now can't keep control of the illusions so the wor;d's gone mad around him,,,,,, Jalaperilo: is knock out still with us or did he actually fry his processor? Starscreamapillar: I envy him if he did brown out. This is painful. Knock Out: Theoretically, I'm still here. Jalaperilo: sorry i tried to throw you off a building? Jalaperilo: good. was worried you'd left us to suffer on our own FeralDog: yeah, man it's totally fine. happens all the time Cardinal: He already knows your secret. Cardinal: I'm so depressed bro Jalaperilo: aint we all? Starscreamapillar: That small door. thenightetc: The roof bothers me more. Looks so fake. Jalaperilo: none of these suits fit even slightly Cardinal: *ominous music* He shaaaved Starscreamapillar: They found the suits in a box in their fake alley. FeralDog: wwwwwwwwwhat Cardinal: . . . . . Jalaperilo: lol Cardinal: well Cardinal: I wish Trogdor were here to see this. Cardinal: Maybe he could make sense of it. Jalaperilo: is tommy trogdor's holoavatar? Knock Out: Fact! Starscreamapillar: Did they have a reason to be wearing tuxedos earlier? thenightetc: Maybe they were trying them on to make sure they fit? Cardinal: . . . nice segue. Starscreamapillar: No one paid for those drinks. Starscreamapillar: Drat. Now I must suffer through this. Jalaperilo: god Knock Out: For the love of Unicron, no. Cardinal: Shield your optics! Jalaperilo: can unicron come eat us? Starscreamapillar: I think exploding again would be less painful than this. FeralDog: do we really need to see the ENTIRE sex scene FeralDog: a fadeout would be appreciated Starscreamapillar: How is this still going on?! Jalaperilo: in all 4? sex scenes, no one seems to have thrust anywhere near her vagine Knock Out: What I tell you? Protein sleeve. Jalaperilo: oh year lol Jalaperilo: *yeah FeralDog: more football based bonding Starscreamapillar: I feel as though you could replace these actors with golden retreivers and lose nothing. Jalaperilo: 'i saw a hyooman program with this so all hyoomans do this bonding' Knock Out: Please, no. Cardinal: AGAIN? thenightetc: Again?! Knock Out: Not again. No more. Cardinal: *weeps quietly* thenightetc: Please let something burst in and eat them Knock Out: Oh, thank you! Cardinal: Wow, Lisa. Jalaperilo: was there anything like this on cybertron? thenightetc: Some of the audio seems a little... desynched or something thenightetc: Is this... dubbed? Starscreamapillar: If there was, I certainly didn't watch it. Knock Out: I think this might be one of those "once in a universe" things. Jalaperilo: *** Jalaperilo: we really are the worst species Cardinal: Well, you are the spawn of Unicron. Knock Out: Take a bow. thenightetc: Excuse me, I'm not taking the blame for this movie. thenightetc: How dare. Jalaperilo: us all watching this now are now linked in a shared, horrific experience Starscreamapillar: As if I didn't already have enough horrifying experiences in my life. Jalaperilo: i like being the spawn of another species' devil thenightetc: ...Yikes thenightetc: What the *** Starscreamapillar: The film's writer clearly had some unresolved issues. thenightetc: You think? Jalaperilo: would you believe that tommy wiseau wrote ANd sirected AND acted in this? Jalaperilo: *directed Cardinal: Yes. Knock Out: And funded it, and apparently no one knows how. Starscreamapillar: Yes. Yes I would. Jalaperilo: alien money Cardinal: Deal with Unicron. Jalaperilo: probably traded a load of shanix with a skuxxoid Starscreamapillar: Are you certain he didn't kidnap these people, and force them to be in his film? thenightetc: Oh god, they're going to sneak off for another sex scene, aren't thy Starscreamapillar: 'Sneak'? thenightetc: Well. Cardinal: As Shockwave would say, "illogical." Jalaperilo: shockwave would shutdown at this film Cardinal: . . . Cardinal: I'm going to show it to him. Cardinal: Whoa, someone did the impossible and came BACK into the house. Knock Out: Sensitive with genuine human emotions. Cardinal: Leave your STUPID comments in your pocket! thenightetc: That's where I keep all *my* stupid comments. Cardinal: Good thinking! Inviting my friends! Cardinal: What are they doing outside? Cardinal: I just? Cardinal: Alternate, help. Jalaperilo: cardinal is crashing lol thenightetc: Oh god. Knock Out: I can't help you. I'm so very, very sorry. Knock Out: I'm lost. I'm gone. Cardinal: *whimpers* thenightetc: *facepalm* Starscreamapillar: Surely he won't be able to count to nine months from now. Jalaperilo: haha thenightetc: That guy does look sort of like Xander Knock Out: Who *are* you? Jalaperilo: i think they swapped out an actor Starscreamapillar: No one will notice this loud conversation in public about her cheating. Knock Out: Doesn't matter, had cake. Jalaperilo: haha! thenightetc: They're hardly subtle about it. Maybe everyone already knows. Cardinal: What do you mean, look at this subterfuge Cardinal: What do you mean, look at this subterfuge Jalaperilo: what planet IS he from? thenightetc: What do you mean, I always slow dance with my platonic friends Knock Out: I've spent the last hour pondering that same question. Starscreamapillar: He is fed up with this world. Knock Out: Most alien species that can mimic other species tend to be good at it. thenightetc: Hey, you know what would be funny after this? Knock Out: What? Jalaperilo: icepick lobotomy> Jalaperilo: ? Cardinal: "And I DEFINITELY have breast cancer." thenightetc: Just look for "arrested development chicken dance" on youtube Knock Out: Consider it done. thenightetc: I'm sure there are a BUNCH of clips caffienatedglitter: henlo Starscreamapillar: Someone had better end up murdered at the end of this. Knock Out: I hope it's me. thenightetc: For some reason I'd gotten the impression this was a horror movie Jalaperilo: you may just get your wish tonight screamy Starscreamapillar: The horror is in sitting through it. caffienatedglitter: oh god caffienatedglitter: EWWWW Starscreamapillar: Do Not call me that. thenightetc: :( Knock Out: I think we can agree we've all lost something precious tonight. caffienatedglitter: what did i walk in on Jalaperilo: you are the lucky one, to only suffer the end of this caffienatedglitter: how is the audio from the other end of the phone line so clear thenightetc: ...He already knew they were cheating together though? caffienatedglitter: what is his accent thenightetc: https://www.reddit.com/r/linguistics/comments/1gs6ol/what_the_heck_is_going_on_with_tommy_wiseaus_voice/ caffienatedglitter: he angery thenightetc: Not sure if there's an actual answer there, per se caffienatedglitter: he screm Thebes: Oh man, I appear to have been late to the worst movie thenightetc: You are correct caffienatedglitter: KNOCKING THINGS OVER IS THE ONLY WAY A MOVIE CHARACTER CAN EXPRESS ANGER thenightetc: Chew that scenery! CHEW thenightetc: Aren't they just upstairs from him? Can't they hear this going on? Thebes: How delicately he moves those bedsheets Starscreamapillar: I am disappointed at the lack of murder spree. Jalaperilo: this is more acting than the rest of the film thenightetc: Uh caffienatedglitter: ewwwww thenightetc: Why this Jalaperilo: i forgot that bit! Cardinal: . . . caffienatedglitter: ewvwwhw wnvjhwvg' Thebes: I think this is ... supposed to be pathos? caffienatedglitter: oh god caffienatedglitter: dude stop Cardinal: I've been asking myself the same thing. caffienatedglitter: holy Knock Out: FRAG. caffienatedglitter: he's dead Thebes: yes. yes he is. thenightetc: dramatic slow-mo caffienatedglitter: ... caffienatedglitter: YAAAAAAAAAAAY Jalaperilo: well at least he got his daily amount of iron? caffienatedglitter: no, he's sleeping Starscreamapillar: Yes, just put your hand right in that. thenightetc: Yeah, get his blood all over your hands caffienatedglitter: so many diseases Jalaperilo: bet you werent expecting that Doc thenightetc: Disturb the scene a little more Thebes: PATHOS caffienatedglitter: seriously pathogens love to travel through blood Knock Out: I can honestly say I wasn't. caffienatedglitter: what do you mean you lost him YOU DUMPED HIM caffienatedglitter: ALSO MARK DIDNT YOU WANT TO SEX HER BEFORE Thebes: YES. YES HE DID Cardinal: LEAVE US thenightetc: Wow Knock Out: Don't leave that one alone with the body! Jalaperilo: this whole film is about tommy's messiah complex caffienatedglitter: CALL THE COPS caffienatedglitter: CALL THE COIPS YOU IDIOTS Jalaperilo: knock out! haha thenightetc: No, no, they'll want to handle the gun a bit first too thenightetc: Get their fingerprints all over it caffienatedglitter: i tyhought he saids he didnt have any friends now everyones sobbin over his body caffienatedglitter: piugblswk caffienatedglitter: ive only been here for TEWO MINUTES Thebes: WAIT Cardinal: Amazing. Thebes: HE WAS GRABBING HER HAIR caffienatedglitter: WHY Starscreamapillar: Well, that was about as bad as having my head blown off again. caffienatedglitter: WHAT IS THIS MUSIC caffienatedglitter: INAPROPRIATE MUCH Jalaperilo: sexytimes on the corpse music FeralDog: good god Thebes: There's appropriate anything in this movie? Knock Out: Denny is there also. caffienatedglitter: "assistant to mr. wiseau"???? five people??? FeralDog: I feel like I just survived a deadly fever caffienatedglitter: those poor performers Jalaperilo: they were the five humans that taught him how to act like one of us Thebes: oh, man, there's abook about the weird, troubled production of this movie. It's so out there it's getting made into its own movie caffienatedglitter: i wish i'd gotten here earlier thenightetc: You shouldn't. caffienatedglitter: you misunderstand caffienatedglitter: i am a masochist caffienatedglitter: more assisstants jesus caffienatedglitter: welp caffienatedglitter: is that it Knock Out: The assistants were there to keep the Wiseau human from poking himself. caffienatedglitter: oh dear Thebes: yeah you missed the bit about Denny being into drugs and the bizarre casual cancer subplot caffienatedglitter: the room is a meme, i know the basic plot caffienatedglitter: wait caffienatedglitter: cancer caffienatedglitter: WHEN DID CANCER GET INVOLVED thenightetc: Yeah, there was cancer Jalaperilo: the mum is all i'm dying, its deffo cancer, andyway, marry tommy FeralDog: This lady casually announced that she had breast cancer caffienatedglitter: ooooh right caffienatedglitter: what Knock Out: I just take the suggestions, I don't question them. caffienatedglitter: at least it isn't the cheeeep cheep cheep thenightetc: They ALL have one caffienatedglitter: cheeep chepchepcheepcheep Starscreamapillar: . . . . caffienatedglitter: wait caffienatedglitter: frag for a second i thought his voice was robin williams Knock Out: ... Knock Out: ... Knock Out: ...Well, this has been an enlightening evening. Starscreamapillar: I think that's misrepresentative. Jalaperilo: well. its 3am here. i hope you appreciate my sacrifice to watch that film Jalaperilo: goodnight all! Knock Out: I do. caffienatedglitter: it's only 10:00 here Knock Out: Goodnight! FeralDog: 7:00 here FeralDog: https://xkcd.com/1400/ thenightetc: Awwww, the chicken dance bit is great though. Even if that was a little poorly edited together. FeralDog: ^relelvant! Thebes: ikr? caffienatedglitter: my god Knock Out: Makes sense to me. thenightetc: Huh. Thebes: ... there's a trailer for a movie where someone is paid to act as Tommy Wiseau FeralDog: oh dear god thenightetc: ...Not sure if I want to see that or not. caffienatedglitter: that or he's the devil made flesg Knock Out: You can't replicate what's going on with this human (?). And no one ever should. thenightetc: That would explain why he looks slightly uncanny Thebes: they get weirdly close. The Disaster Artist trailer, if you want to see for yourself caffienatedglitter: he looks like he's a collage of body parts cut froma magazine caffienatedglitter: but 3d Knock Out: My credits are still on "alien." caffienatedglitter: and also a pervet thenightetc: I read that as "flaming disaster" Starscreamapillar: I think he is a mimic of some kind. Starscreamapillar: And the football is there. Of course. Thebes: it kinda was? Like it's based off the book The Disaster Artist, which is entirely about trying to get this weird alien sock puppet to act thenightetc: Oh god, I didn't notice. caffienatedglitter: is that actually him caffienatedglitter: does he actually think people like this unironically FeralDog: maybe he's one of the fair folk. But he's bad at it. Thebes: maybe he's a bunch of groundhogs trying to pilot a human Knock Out: I like the news scrolling by. caffienatedglitter: they're trying Knock Out: "Also, some humans died or something." thenightetc: "Like us on Facebook!" Thebes: yeah, kinda. Underscores this. caffienatedglitter: it's a special kind of *** caffienatedglitter: jesus he's like caffienatedglitter: idk thenightetc: Yeah, sports references, that's what I look for in a movie Thebes: how is he keeping a straight face Starscreamapillar: His sunglasses are unsettling. Knock Out: He's hiding something behind there. I'm not certain I want to know what. thenightetc: Soundwave's visor. caffienatedglitter: he's hiding madness, and not very well Knock Out: Tommy Wiseau confirmed for Soundwave. caffienatedglitter: YOU STUDIED PSYCHOLOGY caffienatedglitter: NO caffienatedglitter: BULL caffienatedglitter: what is this thenightetc: We've all been where now? Starscreamapillar: His insane word-salad rambling. caffienatedglitter: is he a human???? caffienatedglitter: knock out please advise thenightetc: The other guy looks so embarassed Knock Out: No advice. He landed on your planet, he's your problem. Starscreamapillar: The other guy is likely concerned if he upsets Wiseau that he wil be consumed. Thebes: I would be thenightetc: Yeah, he does look like he could just unhinge his jaw and, y'know... caffienatedglitter: ubigowj caffienatedglitter: but he's scary caffienatedglitter: he talks like he's got marbled in his mouth Knock Out: If you have to ask, the answer is probably "Tommy Wiseau can most definitely unhinge his jaw and kill some people." caffienatedglitter: HES A SNAKE Starscreamapillar: Snakes do not talk so much. thenightetc: Lime green shirt with matching lime green tie :( Thebes: it's like he agressively doesn't care. caffienatedglitter: this is not a man of earthly cares caffienatedglitter: oh god what'sthis Starscreamapillar: He only cares for how many souls he can harvest, and how much flesh he can consume. thenightetc: SOUNDS LEGIT thenightetc: Is that a hearse Starscreamapillar: Yes. caffienatedglitter: "family kidnapped by ninjas" yeah totally believable caffienatedglitter: ew caffienatedglitter: what\ caffienatedglitter: EWWWWWWWWW thenightetc: What the *** Knock Out: Alright, enough of that. caffienatedglitter: HE IS THE EATER OF FLESH Thebes: what was THAT caffienatedglitter: I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS Knock Out: Tommy Wiseau is clearly a dangerous entity. Starscreamapillar: I feel the pressing need to awaken Unicron, so he can shake off the Earth and ensure Wiseau's destruction. thenightetc: Er caffienatedglitter: how well did that work out for you last time Knock Out: There we go. Much better. Starscreamapillar: Just because it didn't work out for my alternates does not mean it may not work out for me. caffienatedglitter: oh right caffienatedglitter: alternate universes caffienatedglitter: still though caffienatedglitter: starscreams are universally jinxed thenightetc: This actually looks familiar. Huh Starscreamapillar: I know. caffienatedglitter: Is this car porn Starscreamapillar: But I strive to escape whatever unpleasant fate is in store for me. caffienatedglitter: car porn is pretty chill caffienatedglitter: lol jk Smokescreen: woojit woojit no thenightetc: Nice and relaxing, except when they jerk the camera around. Smokescreen: dont watch the room Knock Out: I just needed to end the night on something other than the question of how many pounds of human flesh Tommy Wiseau can fit in his hollow abdomen. Knock Out: Too late. Smokescreen: .... wait did i miss thenightetc: Too late! We saw the whole thing! caffienatedglitter: o hai smokescreen Smokescreen: ARGHHGHG Smokescreen: did you like it Smokescreen: Hey! caffienatedglitter: it's the room thenightetc: I don't think it's really something you "like" caffienatedglitter: exactly Smokescreen: Was it... Was it an experience? caffienatedglitter: technically caffienatedglitter: yes Starscreamapillar: It was an experience in madness. thenightetc: Everything is an experience. Smokescreen: it sure was a movie, right? caffienatedglitter: no caffienatedglitter: not particularly Starscreamapillar: It being a movie is debatable. thenightetc: In the broadest possible sense. Smokescreen: a film? caffienatedglitter: it was a venture intop insanity Knock Out: It was a whole lot of something. Thebes: it was filmed. I would hesitate to call it a film Smokescreen: someone sure recorded it on a camera! Thebes: technically Smokescreen: hey woojit have you ever been in a sauna before Knock Out: I think so? Smokescreen: How was it? caffienatedglitter: why are you asking? caffienatedglitter: sorry im curious\ Smokescreen: I've got one, and I wasn't sure what to do with it! caffienatedglitter: nvm Knock Out: You sit, you turn up the heat, you cycle special smoke meant to clean out your vents. There are other things I'd rather spend credits on at the bath houses, but it was nice enough. caffienatedglitter: wait whjat caffienatedglitter: lol jk Smokescreen: woojit woojit no thenightetc: Nice and relaxing, except when they jerk the camera around. Smokescreen: dont watch the room Knock Out: I just needed to end the night on something other than the question of how many pounds of human flesh Tommy Wiseau can fit in his hollow abdomen. Knock Out: Too late. Smokescreen: .... wait did i miss thenightetc: Too late! We saw the whole thing! caffienatedglitter: o hai smokescreen Smokescreen: ARGHHGHG Smokescreen: did you like it Smokescreen: Hey! caffienatedglitter: it's the room thenightetc: I don't think it's really something you "like" caffienatedglitter: exactly Smokescreen: Was it... Was it an experience? caffienatedglitter: technically caffienatedglitter: yes Starscreamapillar: It was an experience in madness. thenightetc: Everything is an experience. Smokescreen: it sure was a movie, right? caffienatedglitter: no caffienatedglitter: not particularly Starscreamapillar: It being a movie is debatable. thenightetc: In the broadest possible sense. Smokescreen: a film? caffienatedglitter: it was a venture intop insanity Knock Out: It was a whole lot of something. Thebes: it was filmed. I would hesitate to call it a film Smokescreen: someone sure recorded it on a camera! Thebes: technically Smokescreen: hey woojit have you ever been in a sauna before Knock Out: I think so? Smokescreen: How was it? caffienatedglitter: why are you asking? caffienatedglitter: sorry im curious\ Smokescreen: I've got one, and I wasn't sure what to do with it! caffienatedglitter: nvm Knock Out: You sit, you turn up the heat, you cycle special smoke meant to clean out your vents. There are other things I'd rather spend credits on at the bath houses, but it was nice enough. caffienatedglitter: wait whjat caffienatedglitter: WHERE DID YOU GET A SAUNA Smokescreen: also if woojit wants to use this sauna I was gifted caffienatedglitter: WHERE DID YOU GET A GIANT SAUNA Smokescreen: I don't know! It was a gift! I'm kinda suspicious which is also why I'm offering Woojit a whirl in it! Knock Out: Suspicious bath house? I'm sold. thenightetc: Gosh, hope it's not cursed or something. caffienatedglitter: DUDE caffienatedglitter: THERE'S PROBABLY A CAMERA IN IT OR A BOMB Starscreamapillar: Why would a camera matter? Knock Out: Lucky camera. Smokescreen: Awesome! I'll promise to fix you up if it goes horribly wrong but hopefully it won't Smokescreen: wouldn't the lens get covered in steam? Knock Out: Excellent! caffienatedglitter: oh right caffienatedglitter: giant robots caffienatedglitter: nudity isnt a thing Starscreamapillar: Not really, no. caffienatedglitter: eh Smokescreen: woojit i found this anime also i've been meaning to watch and i need thosughts Knock Out: Yes? Smokescreen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVPnaHRgNb8 caffienatedglitter: ooooh knockout you should stream death parade thenightetc: Oh, I love that show! In a way. caffienatedglitter: oh my god thenightetc: ^Initial D thenightetc: Haven't seen Death Parade caffienatedglitter: it's amazing Knock Out: Yes. Knock Out: Whatever this is, yes. caffienatedglitter: it's only a few episodes long, so Thebes: Initial D is awesome, caffienatedglitter: what is this thenightetc: But you have to not mind the animation. caffienatedglitter: HIS FACE Smokescreen: the humans look dead inside thenightetc: Yeah they do a lot of that thenightetc: You get used ot it Smokescreen: ... are they actually humans or just holo-matter avatars? Smokescreen: i've seen avatars with faces like that Knock Out: Who cares? Smokescreen: true caffienatedglitter: technically they are anime caffienatedglitter: not hoomans Smokescreen: am i anime caffienatedglitter: no you're american animaation Smokescreen: what Smokescreen: i'm not american Smokescreen: i'm praxian caffienatedglitter: your show isn't Smokescreen: WOOJIT HIGHER VOLUMNE Smokescreen: RAISE THE VOLUME thenightetc: And they're proud of that terrible animation, too, lots of closeups of misshapen dead-eyed faces Thebes: all the humans are in love with their cars and will go to absurd lengths to show it Smokescreen: thank you woojit Smokescreen: good Smokescreen: they should love their cars caffienatedglitter: um Starscreamapillar: Is it uncomfortable to squeal your tires like that? caffienatedglitter: smokescreen splease rephrase Smokescreen: it feels good to me! caffienatedglitter: unfortuinate implications Smokescreen: Uhhh- they should adore their cars? caffienatedglitter: smokescreen Smokescreen: what Smokescreen: I don't see the problem! Knock Out: It's not comfortable, but worth it for the sake of drifting. thenightetc: Oh believe me there is drifting in this show :) Thebes: and for wiping a smug smirk off someone's face? Thebes: because there's lots of that too Smokescreen: woojit woojit what if: we raced and played this kinda music at top volume to recreate this stuff caffienatedglitter: NO Smokescreen: but caffienatedglitter: BAD IDEA caffienatedglitter: RECREATING ANIME ONLY BRINGS PAIN Smokescreen: but Smokescreen: :( Knock Out: I'm not hearing a downside! Thebes: This anime is basically nothing but car appreciation and winning races in a way that's petty and satisfying Knock Out: Let's do it! thenightetc: It totally is. caffienatedglitter: knockout you have doomed yoursel Smokescreen: I probably won't be able to do it now, but sometime soon, we gotta! Knock Out: It's a date! thenightetc: Haha, have fun! caffienatedglitter: you fools you will invite them into our world, they will consume reality Smokescreen: I'll look for places with turns like these, too Knock Out: Perfect! Knock Out: That seems a marvelous place to pack it in for tonight. caffienatedglitter: lovely caffienatedglitter: goodnight Knock Out: Goodnight, everyone! Smokescreen: Sounds good. Night, everyone! Knock Out: Thank you for enduring this with me. caffienatedglitter: try not to turn the multiverse into a singularity thenightetc: This was good fun; thanks for the stream. :) Starscreamapillar: I am not sure I should thank you for exposing me to the horror of the Room. Starscreamapillar: Goodnight, and may I be able to atend again in the future. thenightetc: Goodnight! Knock Out: Here's hoping! Smokescreen: Hopefully, I can get here on time one day! Thebes: nighy!

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11toe11-blog · 4 years

Text

Horsewomen

May i enter. Quietly. For insight. And take back nothing but truth.

____

I sit here waiting.

I sit here waiting for you.

This is uncomfortable. This is actually a rather unsettling feeling. My breathing is no deeper than my upper chest. I am distracted. I want some distraction. Watch something nonsensical. Eat. Eat plenty. Something to comfort me. This sense of hunger, of not being full, no matter what i am putting in - from the healthiest to the junkiest.

He wants to mute me.

He is making pulao and raita. Just what i need maybe. Maybe with that i’ll be satiated. Calm this restlessness.

Weight on the chest. Cant go, oh damn! on it. Just watch it. Even if i spent the last month and a half working this weight off.

Actors freeze writers block.

Dont i have anything to write? After steam rolling for a week.THe point when i assumed things would come together into a giant revelation?

Breathe into the belly. Reach out from formula.

“What do i mean by…”

I miss. I miss kalari. Its a fact. I miss. I miss thiru. I miss. I am a miss. I am amiss, between a miss and a missus.

Something in the face sharts shifting. Music is hindustani. Kishori amolkar he announces, informs, sticking is head out of building pulao.

Watched S’s viva. As she discussed body widsom as the maker and keeper of stories, and the source of the individial truth and meaning making process we all search for.

Watched Su’s body leave her home of 85 years. Watched Su’s body after her spirit left its home of 85 years. He brows were tight together, as if frozen amidst a painful exercise to recall something.

Mid sentence, mid building he walks over for the hug, hug of reconciliation, hug of understanding, a hug to acknowledge, a hug to reassure - one of us, both of us.

A death happened.

Finally. After a dance on the edges that lasted almost 2 years. I remember sitting in the room with my therapist as art of the Art Therapy studies, and role playing with a strange dream, where i was arguing with R and having some experience of the Buzz road first floor centered around my possessions- why it cant be moved or something and his friends being around and me feeling alientated; while down in the ground floor abyss, the dreamer was distinctly aware of death waiting. The house didnt quite look like this, but was the same. In a way that spaces rearrange them selves in dreams, an additional corridor there, an elevation somewhere else, a door connecting two opposite ends of the house directly.

I dont know her at all. I have barely spoken to her more than a few handful of times in the 4 years that Buzz road has been my home. And none of the conversations have lasted more than a few minutes. She was a fine looking thin lady. Who i was told was a shell of her former robust self, and had alzheimer's setting in. So the main door, which is the common entrance to all the three floors had to be locked early enough. She would have anxieties otherwise.

Nothing too loud or boisterous.

Its never been loud or boisterous at buzz road from the time i have known it. Maybe when i got to know it, it was around the time it had gotten contemplative, retrospective, nostalgic. With not enough energy to hold the heightened states of merry making and large groups splashing their vibrance around. But finding them quietly in the folds of memory, back and forth, and reweaving them, alone.

I came into the quiet buzz road; a buzzing road thats quietened now, i realize.

People were talking about the sheer energy she possessed. I can imagine. Even when the last time we exchanged pleasantries, as i walked to junk the compost into the new compost pit we had going in the back yard, she was clear in her gaze, her glance inspire of all the tubes running out of her. Was that the last time she saw me? Or when i had my lungi pulled up, carrying the water cans to the first floor. I had put on an effort to be myself, anticipating judgements for my hairy legs, or my unconventionality inspite of my desperate attempts to fit into the conventional. Whatever conventional means.

I now wear diamond earrings to honor a memory. Of someone i have only met in books and ideas. WHo would have thunk!

He comes over from the pillars of pulao. Share a few grains of his memory.

The sense of community he is experiencing at the moment - in the virtual world with the responses that came in response to his tribute to her, -in this space, with his cousin who he felt he had nothing in common with. A point he always kept making. Until now, when he seems to suddenly have noticed a shared childhood. He accepted his cousin’s invitation to be there on the 10th and 13th day and was touched by the gensture, though he trailed off a “my beliefs are my own” as he made his way back into the kitchen.

From the kitchen he recounts and as kishori continues to inspire the pulao, how his aunt took him to the hospital after his infamous fall off the rockface, he had managed to get back home pushing his conked motor bike before fainting in the loo with a shirt soaking in blood. Quite dramatic. This bit of the story is new to me. I knew of the fall. And the 7 stitches. I didnt know she featured in the story, which i imagined to be the grand fall that shook the 3 worlds and its from that impact on the earth that i was born.

He was 18. My parents copulated. 1983.

This is quite a nice start to the mythical story.

What is this sentimentality? I am not a sentimental person. Sensitive yes. Sentimental? Not really.

In all senses i am aware of the fact that death doesnt mean anything. Other than the change of the playing scene. For the person who dies. Atleast for most people who die. A change of play for the actor.

For the co-actors, yea its awkward. Suddenly, the improvisation has new energy, an unknown. Space available for new possibilities.

Also a sense of a loss of the playing dynamics, which has to be refigured in new context.

Thats all death is.

And i myself must be dying in a million ways in the million multiverses, never mind “the other” dying. The infinite stages strung together and the actor playing out the infinite possibilities of each second.

The thought of him dying was obsessive,for last two years. Its only of late that i have been able to relax. Otherwise it was a high alert since his tryst with the fissure and bp. I would be up at night watching and monitoring the deapth of his breath as he snored on. The thought of him dying and the paranoia that set in was a pattern repeat of the tightly controlled panic I experienced regularly as a teenager when my mother came home wheezing and we spent the whole nights praying and trying to help her get some relief. With no one else to turn for help. Sheer holding-on to the the caregiver, protector, provider.

Sheer holding-on as the intermediate caregiver, protector, supporter.

Today i am lot more relaxed. The pattern that was triggered two years ago has eased. It gave a sample of the minefield of triggers that lay dormant in my mindscape.

Last night when he spoke of his will, after the initial reaction of sheer panic setting in, and then watching it pass, i was able to engage in the conversation - who should the bangalore house be left for? A. She has plenty in her name already. What about AV? Wonderful idea. He is a lonewolf with a strong sense of community. And will find some meaning and continuity, “make something with it, share it”.

Pondi house is for me.

There is no house in pondi yet. There is land in pondi. And our dreams for the home. Our mutual curiosity of this human instinct, nesting. What does it mean to make a nest with someone - which is neither his nor mine, but ours.

Pondi house is for us.

Its ours.

Quite fitting for the closet romantics that we both are.

Such a relief this sentence gave me. Pondi house is for us. Its ours.

What a burden it seems to be lifting from my shoulders.

My self image moves, glides past the harshly lit railings where it was held prisoner by my critical self - ever questioning my intentions of initiating and insisting on insisting on a home in pondicherry. Is it greed? Is it the easy way out? Are you in this for the money?

To something lit with a much softer glow of depth and wisdom. And love and respect.

Ustad Ali Akbar Khan takes the manch.

Nobody else may understand this. But we do. You and i, do.

That ours is a dance of light and shadows. We love and hate. Trust and mistrust. We make love with the enemy. Sleep, cook. Learn to trust. Love. The historical “ other”.

Far from Romeo Juliet. Far far from it. Infact, it probably starts where SSpere left off.

Imagine in play space: Romeo is reborn. Some 20 years ahead of Juliet, who was stuck in a limbo in some portal. And they finally meet. And there is nothing in the way- no warring families, no borders, no jealous friends, no helpful friends either - there is nothing helping, there is nothing standing in the way - except themselves. And all their assumption and presumptions.

“oh! I dint realize you were so obsessive.”

“Oh! I didnt realize you had such a nasty streak”

“You dont listen”

“This is far from the ever after i imagined”

Well, as i write this i suppose this is following the graph of every relationship there is. Nothing unconventional here. Inspite of all our ideas and stories of how unconventional this is.

Also, we arent really gear shifting because we have no kids.

Am i ok with that? Not having a child? Yes. In many ways. It will be nice to have someone to shape and mould and protect and spoil. But when i imagine, i dont think i will be doing something very different from what my mother did - circumstances and conveniences may be different - but the structure is the same - shape, mould, protect and spoil and love - with different degrees of ingredients - but still a replication of the process. Thats what nature is best at, no? Replicating. I dont want to do that. I can see past that temptation.

A cat will do. Or a squirrel. Or a raven. Or a garden lizard, according to him.

Coco.

One coco gone from the terrace. So many coco’s playing around in the goundfloor garden.

Sleepy.

Call with K is postponed to tomorrow.

Project Objex continues to delvelop and offer rich insights offline. Though the thread is held online. No, The thread is seemingly held online.

I find myself pretty uninteresting at the moment.

Stitching classes with mom is nice. Nice is a strange word. And a strange word is what i need to describe it. She is clear and simple. With sketchy camera angling skills. But in her area of expertise, she leaves me with no room for doubts or confusions. Reminded me of how she used to teach me as a child. I remember she used to say a thing only twice, if i made her repeat a third time, i would get whacks for not paying attention. And now she seems to be the epitome of patience, as i also notice my child self coming to the fore, to provoke and test, with disinterest and wandering attention and confusion. She holds the thread with such firm clarity and patience, that i notice the child self dissolving away, making way for me to inhabit the present. In the beginning, 15 minutes into the session, i noticed fatigue and disinterest and irritation setting. And by the end of the class i was clear and inspired and received the information she was clearly trying to transmit. I notice myself eagerly summarising all that i understood at the end of the session. Satisfaction and closure for her. And for me.

All that the giver has to give, needs a taker.

So that the giver can give fully and completely. And be free.

I feel when i am listening to my mother, i feel i am also simultaneously receiving from my grandmother. A line of women who understood cloth. And clothes.

A line of women, who were a few generations ago not permitted to cover their breasts, fashioning the most interesting and quirky ways of covering and revealing.

A line of women, some of who also sliced and placed a breast or two at the altar of life unlived.

A life of women who may have forgotten the joys of sun and wind and rains on naked breasts.

For me to understand R, i had to bring it closer to home. Last night the news of his aunts passing, meant that the inevitable event of his parents passing is clearer in the minds eye. I wouldnt have understood it, if i hadnt played out the scene of mom passing. And i notice that i keep telling myself that i will hold it together, like a stoic -like the stoic. Though the physical sensation is of a collapse a caving in. Like it matters. As if what matters is how i respond to it.

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...

Ashwini BIde Deshpande takes the mach.

The transformer catches fire. In a way that i have never seen it catch fire before - with a big long sideways trialing flame. And abruptly stops. WE gather candles and he goes to alert the watchman to make the calls to the electricity board. And i wonder if its a hello from the other worlds.

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden appearance of an actor...gentle drizzzle

And its true. In an improvisation, a sudden disappearance of an actor...and the only thing that matter there is how you respond to the moment, to the change in space, how i respond to a new space.

He does the tadka, a vertical flame lover the ladle he uses for tadka.

We are such theatre.

But why is our sensation of it so mundane and unheightned. As if there is no audience.

The sense of audience , of someone watching is what has fuelled most of the adventures in life. Like on is at once living at writing ones autobiography, and featuring in a biography, all at the same time. The vantage of the witness. Is what inspired this whole era of camera and film and now virtual.

Very many ways of the mirror.

The vantage of the inner witness. Makes me relax a little, teeny weeny, into the belly. The breath is quarter an inch deeper.

What was the word that mom used for leaving a little extra provision of cloth - side something...let me check the book. Not side - seam. Seam Allowance. At least i got the first alphabet right. S. Mom and me have a long way to here, i see.

I didnt realise or register that R’s aunt used to play male roles in the play. She was an actress. I didnt know R’s very married aunt was happy to flirt with the handsome doc while R was getting stitched up from his fall. But around her, knowing that she lived down stairs, and maybe from the kind of home she lived in and her seemingly very traditional exchanges with people around her, I shrank. I felt I would be judged for not fitting in line with the expectation of a space. Walked past her awkwardly, pausing only for pleasantries. Not visiting her in her room as often as i could have and as often as i wanted to even, for the strangeness of the exchange.

Nor having the balls to suggest playing some classical music to her. Some respite from the dreaded TV.

Did i judge her illness or her age or her wealth?

Made it all about me?

Wanting to listen to music quietly together with a practical stranger at her bedside, we must share some language no? Some connection had to have happened. Some step one and two had to be crossed to find that step three. Or could i have straight have jumped to three? Long and short, that want, which kept appearing as an image, i believed was a response to her experience of intense loneliness. And my helplessness.

Which is understandable, one of the first descriptions of her from people who knew her was how social she was -how she was surrounded by friends. Yet in the past year and a half she saw no one except the nurses who were with here round the clock, her children, daughterinlaw, sister who regularly visited and maybe us once in a while and her, and occasional visits from her nieces and nephews. Watched plenty of TV. And went in and out of a hospital. And lived in looping memory. Ate mostly from a tube. The dabba that formulas came in we now use to store flowers for the pooja room everyday.

I would have really liked to go and sit and listen to her, her stories. But i didnt have the balls. What if she rejected me. I would take it very personally. I would be very hurt.

Because i kept dancing on the brink of the rejections. Dreading rejections from R, from friends, from peers, from the kalari. That i so intensely yearn to belong.

And so imagining that possible rejection, and a cruel word - i never made an effort. Even when i wanted to.

Just before she left to the hospital the last time round, I didnt go into her room. Walking past the gesture of one of her nurses to come in - justifying it mentally with “not wearing a mask”. Maybe i was arguing a lot with R and had no bandwidth for the extended family at the moment. Maybe when i argue with R i see no reason why i live here. Maybe when i am arguing with R, i feel I dont belong here. And my whole presence here is a lie. And i dint want her too catch my dishonesty of intentions, of superficiality. My fears.

I have often been plagued by the feeling of helplessness here at buzz road. Much lesser now. This round of our stay has been far more hands on, “empowered”, and with room for changes and play of dynamics. Me allowing myself to do the things i feel like doing at the cost of being “seen”.

Noticing caste encoded in the body memory. Because i have no lived memory of it. My earliest association with identity is being told by my father that i had “no caste, no gender, no religion”, i was human and a girl as equal to any boy.

Why then did i feel my space shrink here? Did i subtly read your judgments without even noticing it? R tells me that you singled out your daughter for her dark skin. Not moer than half a shade darker surely, because i didnt at all notice any color variations in your skins; you all looked like you were from the same family and that was it. Is that why i feel great kindship with the people who work here - because i unknowingly somewhere by the color of my skin maybe they judge me as one of them?

So there is a story of rejection here that i picked up from the space and wove into my story.

Kabira khada baazar mein

Mangey sabki Kahir

Nahi kahoon sey dosti

Nahi kahoon sey bair

I spent an hour faffing to escape finishing this page. Because it doesnt seem to be getting over. One think is linking to the next and then to the next, faster than i can write.

Or want to write.

I can let go.

Yes.

I can let this go.

I dont have to hold on to it like the bag that L and I tugged between each other other over compulsion to be the ideal daughterinlaw/good samaritan.

Lets me just summarize to myself that today i glimpsed the family, this group of people bound together by blood relations, a lot deeper than i ever have. I noticed wounds, as much as i noticed bonds. I noticed bonds, as much as i noticed wounds.

And i have no idea how i walked into this story, which seems to be an epic in itself with my own sense of great mythical journeying. I want nothing from them except peace and resolving and healing of wounds.

And thats what seems to be happening.

No one is counting all this work we are doing in the GDP. I always liked micro economics over macro economics.

Something.

Sleep

___

I gently close the door behind me. Notice the skin a bit shirvelled from time spent a touch too long in war. Thank you for keeping me safe in your waters. Thank you for the waves.

0 notes

internetdetectives · 4 years

Text

12/4/19 - Chat with TheLaw

TheLaw 4:45 PM: "I hear you guys are actually trying to figure things out. Sounds like a cool deal.”

Xenquility 4:45 PM: "How are we doing?”

ARGdov 4:45 PM: "unless we're heavily over analyzing this and the first four entities are literall just the giants”

TheLaw 4:45 PM: "I'm not sure. What are you guys doing?”

Xenquility 4:45 PM: "Uh”

ARGdov 4:45 PM: "but that would also raise questions”

Xenquility 4:45 PM: "Discussing what IIIII is”

ARGdov 4:45 PM: "well currently were speculating what they all are, not just what IIIII is”

Xenquility 4:46 PM: "We've deduced that IIIII (The fifth) is probably a Thing, not a person”

Xenquility 4:46 PM: "And that one of the things might be Tenebris?”

Xenquility 4:46 PM: "That one we're still unsure of”

ARGdov 4:46 PM: "It really feels like we dont have enough information”

TheLaw 4:46 PM: "Sounds like it may lead to some interesting things.”

ARGdov 4:46 PM: "I feel like Im bashing my head against a wall atm”

Xenquility 4:46 PM: "The theory being that sacredartifact, guidance, and a poem of serious reflection show Patrem and Tenebris making some sort of pact”

Wolfcat 4:47 PM: "nah”

Xenquility 4:47 PM: "Q: "“What do you mean, boredom and habits have forced your hand again?““

Xenquility 4:47 PM: "A: " I pull us to null but he works the forces that desire us to carry on. I will be free when this dies but it makes me work more and more. Im very tired, this body is a cage. When I finally stagnate he stabs me again and we must fight all over again. Over and over, forever."”

Xenquility 4:47 PM: "This implies one of the I's control forces, and with Patrem possessing Greth, the pact would explain Tenebris being the one to control forces”

Wolfcat 4:47 PM: "well, on the other hand”

Wolfcat 4:47 PM: "maybe”

ARGdov 4:50 PM: "I should probs keep reading, need to see if I can find anything”

TheLaw 4:52 PM: "It's hard to figure out where you guys are at. What do you all call your wiki? I'm sure the new kid could give it to me, but he's away.”

Xenquility 4:52 PM: "Will giving you the wiki result in a Bomb Plans 4.0”

TheLaw 4:53 PM: "I can't promise it wouldn't, though I'm no longer anywhere near being able to carry that out at the moment.”

ARGdov 4:53 PM: "hmm”

ARGdov 4:53 PM: "Im wary of that as a promise”

ARGdov 4:53 PM: "you guys cant share much information as iti s”

ARGdov 4:53 PM: "and you presumably know more than we do”

ARGdov 4:53 PM: "so wouldnt us giving you the wiki tell you what we dont know, which could potentially be an advantage for you”

ARGdov 4:53 PM: "@TheLaw any response?”

TheLaw 4:58 PM: "I'm sure the others know much more than you know. I know a lot less than they do, and therefore I feel I know a little less than you all as a whole.”

TheLaw 4:58 PM: "I'm more of a bullet. I get told to do something, and get pointed in a direction, and I carry out what is asked of me.”

TheLaw 4:58 PM: "I think that's the best way to explain my role in this to you lot.”

ARGdov 4:59 PM: "maybe so, but if someone in your little posee asked you for the wiki, you couldnt refuse right? thats not how you operate”

otherLiam 4:59 PM: "Who’s holding the gun?”

ARGdov 4:59 PM: "BUP probably”

TheLaw 4:59 PM: "Who do you think?”

Xenquility 4:59 PM: "To be fair, we hardly know anything about you. Unless we know something about you, why do you deserve to know about us?”

TheLaw 4:59 PM: "Be careful asking questions you know the answer to.”

otherLiam 5:00 PM: "Dude we don’t really know the answer to anything.”

ARGdov 5:00 PM: "ive found its when you start asking questions you dont have answers for is when the real trouble begins”

otherLiam 5:00 PM: "Our wiki would barely help you, it’s like 90% speculation and 10% shitposts.”

ARGdov 5:00 PM: "lol”

TheLaw 5:00 PM: "Maybe things have happened differently then.”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "so basically, we may already have the answer we've been looking for, we just havent realized it. cool. ok.”

TheLaw 5:01 PM: "It's understandable if you don't want to share. I was asking out of a curiosity.”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "actually, wait”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "hang on a sec”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "you know a lot less than they do, about whats going on, by your own admission”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "doesnt that bother you?”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "you're working for people, who are not sharing all the information”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "your working with people, who are involved in a conspiracy involving cults, time travel, cyber ghosts, alternate dimensions, and the ocassional bout of supernatural magic”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "and one of them has killed at least once and may again”

ARGdov 5:01 PM: "Im surprised”

TheLaw 5:02 PM: "It doesn't bother me.”

TheLaw 5:02 PM: "I'm the law. I'm not a lawmaker.”

ARGdov 5:03 PM: "right. I get that. still strange though.”

otherLiam 5:03 PM: "Well that’s a scary rationalization. Anyway, we’ve had like three seperate occasions recently where giving mysterious entities our info has been A Bad, so nothing personal but we gotta learn our lesson sometime.”

TheLaw 5:03 PM: "At one point I did know everything that there was to know.”

TheLaw 5:03 PM: "I'm happy knowing what I do now.”

Eevee Reborn 5:04 PM: "Ok, but the end of the timeline, the last update, better be a post by The Law.”

otherLiam 5:04 PM: "?”

Xenquility 5:04 PM: "lmao”

Eevee Reborn 5:04 PM: "Lol”

TheLaw 5:04 PM: "It would bring it full circle, huh?”

Xenquility 5:04 PM: "Ay, so that was you”

ARGdov 5:05 PM: "in a way”

ARGdov 5:05 PM: "and yeah- certainly a freaky rationalization imo”

ARGdov 5:05 PM: "can I aks another question then? this may make us change our mind”

ARGdov 5:05 PM: "@TheLaw who were you, before you became "the law"? where di dyou come from?”

ARGdov 5:05 PM: "do you remember anything from before?”

TheLaw 5:05 PM: "Sure.”

TheLaw 5:05 PM: "Though, not to do exactly what's expected, I need to go after this question. I was given a task and just happened to have some down time.”

TheLaw 5:05 PM: "I remember everything from before.”

TheLaw 5:05 PM: "My answer will be the same as before. Don't ask questions you already know the answer to.”

ARGdov 5:06 PM: "fine.”

ARGdov 5:06 PM: "ugh, you may have to leave”

ARGdov 5:06 PM: "but one last thing if you can”

ARGdov 5:06 PM: "WHO were you before?”

TheLaw 5:07 PM: "Yes?”

otherLiam 5:07 PM: "man we apparently have all the answers, but we don’t know we have them, so isn’t that the same as not having them at all?”

ARGdov 5:07 PM: "shhh let him answer my question”

ARGdov 5:07 PM: "(tho yeah I agree)”

TheLaw 5:08 PM: "I'm not sure what I should tell you and what I shouldn't. As it stands, you all haven't been open to share information with me.”

TheLaw 5:08 PM: "I wasn't aware that was the situation at first, so I'm going to refuse to answer unless given express permission.”

ARGdov 5:08 PM: "ok, next time we meet, maybe lets negotiate. assuming thats not something we have the answer to already, of course”

ARGdov 5:08 PM: "tell us what you want to know, one question”

ARGdov 5:08 PM: "and we'll consider answering it in exchange for an answer from you”

TheLaw 5:09 PM: "I have to carry out a task. I hope you guys remain lawful.”

TheLaw 5:09 PM: "Maybe talk to the new kid about this. He seems like he might have taken a liking to you lot.”

Xenquility 5:09 PM: "success”

ARGdov 5:10 PM: "alright.”

Xenquility 5:10 PM: "we have evaded bomb plans 4.0”

ARGdov 5:10 PM: "dont remember which of you is the new kid but ok”

Xenquility 5:10 PM: "(Prod)”

ARGdov 5:10 PM: "ah right”

TheLaw 5:10 PM: "Excuse me while I carry out my mission to bomb the next building.”

ARGdov 5:10 PM: "alright, good luck with that lol”

0 notes

oajpw5f3-blog · 5 years

Text

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thenotoriousloaf-blog · 6 years

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TW: self harm/suicide/depression a rant I needed to write

sometimes i feel empty. i feel as though i could drive my car into a tree and it wouldnt make a single bit of difference in the grand scheme of things. but i suppose that would be pretty complicated. No gaurentee of getting the job done, and if it wasnt, my car would then be totaled so like, no fun there. Slitting the wrists would be a theatrical way to do it, true to my habits and typical tendencies. Kind of messy clean up for everyone though, and I hate feeling like a burden. I wouldn't even really know what pill to buy to take enough of to really do the job, maybe a place where a little bit of research could be useful. I know this all sounds pretty dark and dampening, but its kind of interesting really. The thoughts that we possess that honestly possess us? Feeling so, so fucking inadequate. Feeling so fucking alone, and helpless to my own stupid fucking thoughts that continue to whirl through my head like a fucking tornado. No one possibly could understand what I'm thinking or why I'm thinking it, and honestly? Even if they could grasp how much I know I'm fucked up and how much I know its my own self destructive habits that put me here, would they even actually fucking care? I want so desperately to be happy, to stop ruining things that make me happy because of pointless fears or anxieties or fucking insecurities that wont mean shit in a few years. Holy that was a crazy run on sentence but I guess my grammar just isnt my top concern right now. Im sitting at my dads computer, crying, thinking of, or I guess trying to think of reasons not to slash my wrists open and let all of this fucking stop. Is it emptiness or envy that consumes me? How do you already have someone that you miss and fucking care about and how could you just stop caring about me so quickly. what could possibly make me so fucking worthless to throw away without thought or concern. Nah thats not fucking true. Im not gonna pretend to be a victim of foul play, although I do wonder what I never knew about. Did we last so long because we were actually in love or because I didnt want to be alone? Were we actually in love? How do I know when I dont love you anymore? I can fuck people and try to tell myself that Im doing fine but am I? I want to believe that Im turning into a better version of myself, who reads so much more because its so fucking nice to read. Who hikes more because it cleanses my fucking soul of all the hate and sadness that fills up most of the god damn planet. Who doesnt care about being overweight. even though all i can keep thinking is that was a huge reason everything fell apart. I look in the mirror and see a disgusting, fat, revolting sack of human shit who cant pull their head out of their ass long enough to realize how fucking simple it would be to just STOP FUCKING EATING. I just want to push everyone i fucking know away and get in my car and drive until i dont know anyone and no one fucking knows me and the waste of god damn space ive become. BUT ALL OF THIS ISNT FUCKING TRUE IS IT. Jesus I sound like a fucking edgelord. i just want to be fucking happy. i just want to not have to rely on others to feel good about me. WHOS FUCKING FAULT IS IT THAT I HATE MYSELF. blaming society makes me a pussy. blaming my dad makes me a fucking cliche. blaming him makes me a fucking idiot because he did his best with what i fucking am. blaming circumstance is naive. BUT i dont know who the fuck is left because blaming myself just isnt working and im sinking so fucking hard into this endless fucking pool of loathing and giving in and not knowing where the fuck to go next because at this point im fine but no im fucking not but i need to fucking be because this certainly isnt fucking working. i dont want to feel empty anymore. I dont want to think im fine and then see you with someone else and take two hundred steps back even though i know what we were isnt who i am but its all i god damn know and im so fucking scared to be where i dont know. as messy as my room is and as unorganized as my entire god damn being is, the fact that i cant control this is driving me fucking nuts. I just want to scream and cry and also not want to scream and cry, ya know? i just want to stop feeling. i want it all to stop fucking hurting. but if it stops hurting then the good stops too right? I just want to bare my soul to someone who actually gives a fuck and isnt looking for the next thing thats better because i dont want to apologize for being anxious. i dont want to apologize for needing to be loved. i dont want to fucking apologize for being sensitive because fuck sometimes people are sensitive. maybe i shouldnt have to feel bad for being sensitive maybe everyone needs to learn to express emotion without it being regarded as a sign of fucking weakness. I am not fucking weak but i feel like i am because im not okay. Im not fucking okay but i think that its okay. i dont want your pity. i dont want to be a fucking prayer on your list. I want to be seen as a fucking person with thoughts and feelings and features that arent being scrutinized every fucking second of the day. YEAH IM LOOKING AT YOU SELF. how do i stop thinking of myself as worthless when everyone fucking leaves. HOW DO I FIND HAPPINESS FOR MYSELF. how the fuck can i preach to everyone in my life that theyre so amazing and so fucking worthy of happiness and life when i cant even see that for myself? i just want to stop second guessing every single thing that i do, or say, fuck or even think. there are so many fucking sides and depths to how this feels and its mental fucking torture and its self inflicted but i must be a kinky fucker because i cant fucking stop myself. even when im fucking slitting my wrists because i feel like its what i deserve, in the fucking moment sitting there blood dripping onto the floor i wonder if im just some attention seeking piece of shit. all i tell myself is that if i can get skinny all of this will change. he wouldnt have left. but is that seriously the key to being happy? just get thin? Ill still be a fucked up anxious wreck no matter whats under my sweatshirt. which is the reason i have such a hard time going on. if i got thin, if i changed my style to be more fitting of societys norms, im still me. i still have my brain and it wont ever be enough. ill always see a fat girl in the mirror. ill always think that the people im with wish they were with someone better. im honestly out of things to say. im out of things to hope for. im out of reasons to not just end the fucking pain and the wondering. i have no answers to all the things i want to know. i cant understand my own self so how in the blue fuck could anyone else? the people ive been surrounded by have done all they can and all they should be expected to do. none of them should be held accountable for some crazy fucking nutcase who will never be satisfied with what they are and need validation of their worth. who the fuck would want to be around someone like that. no one.

#trigger warning #suicide #depression #self portrait #sorry for the rant #better to say it #then do it #coping techniques

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nebulous-walkabout · 7 years

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sands of identity falling thru an hourglass

driving past danny bonaduce’s house everyday looking at the uncut grass and dereliction that was his property and feeling the dread that the life of the washed up dj on '104.3 the golden oldies' in chicago is one of the first emotions i remember feeling tied to music. the stale decaying music that got played over and over for people that wouldnt try anything new, to me seemed destructive and soul crushing. thats generally where we first experience music though, in the back seat of our parents car. and my mom loved the oldies. of course it wasnt until a decade later when he would come out as a crackhead on celebrity rehab that it really made sense why the red headed kid from the partridge family wouldnt mow his lawn. for some reason that i cannot find though, this feeling i got when i would drive past his house with my mom while listening to his radio show, is still the feeling i get when i hear most old music. my musical taste is shaped by what i would absorb in my first few years on earth. they were a strange time for me, like most awkward kids. and we moved a few times, like most awkward kids. but we also moved stratospherically thru the socioeconomic structure when i was too young to understand it. when i was 6 or 7 in the first house i remember, we got a bose cd player and i discovered my parents cds. one of the first ones i remember playing over and over was smashing pumpkins' mellon collie and infinite sadness. i remember springsteen albums everywhere. live. even 4 non-blondes. rolling stones. that stuff laid the foundation for how i would unconsciously receive music and form my own taste. of course after you discover your parents music, you hunt out your own. and in the early 90's that was all about MTV. sure when youre 8 you dont understand it. but you know what other people think is cool. and i think that was the point. i dont know how the older kids consumed their mtv, but i can tell you 90's kids and later were all told exactly what they should like and listen to by VJ's we wish we were still dressing like. thats what informed us. taught us what kind of music we should explore, so later when we were old enough to peruse the aisles of tower records alone we could actually find what we like. the thing that made mtv better than the radio early on was it was selling an entire culture, not just pop hits. all sorts of atrocities from the faux fashion world of 1994 were pushed into the minds of millions of kids who let it define their childhoods. from mtv you found the sound, then you went out and tried to find it again in something else. after school most days i would hang out at my neighbor's house, he was older and actually my brothers friend, but i remember coming into possession of a Green Jelly CD at his house one day and my world changed. it was something i thought was uniquely for me, but how could it be? thats what music was about back then, buying into the idea that youre cool for liking this thing that everyone else likes too. quickly after that you start in on green day, and you love dookie, but you love it more because you think the secret song is just for you. and its a treat. and you use the music to make you louder. and you scream. but everyone is screaming. and no one else can hear you. i remember where i was when the news came on and told the world kurt cobain died. i was in the living room being forced to eat macaroni and cheese by my older cousin. i can still remember the carpet, but not the furniture. and its not so much that as a nine year old that i cared so much that kurt cobain died, because as a kid you dont really know who he is, you just know hes nirvana and hes cool. and your parents want to keep you away from the tv bc they dont want you thinking about hot guys killing themselves. fine. but that only made you like nirvana even more. then thats the sound. all i ever knew was that i really liked loud music, and thats all i ever liked. you start hating that youve been listening to B96 with all the girls that would grow up to be wannabe valley girls. you run around thinking you like music before you really know what it is. your identity at this age starts to be formed by it, although at this age its formed around the cool shit you do on your bikes when youre with youre friends. it relies upon how long you hold the controller before you die and have to let your friends play whatever video game you just got.

and then you move. youre alone. youve gone from this world you knew, and had a place in, to a very different place. for me it was even stranger, moving from a normal neighborhood with friends next door, to a place where you couldnt see your neighbors house, and your friends were always a car ride away. the houses were huge. the land was massive. and youre alone in the center of both. you become dependent on finding ways to occupy yourself. you start making your own mixtapes off the radio. you continue to make them better, tape over the songs youre tired of. you steal your older brother cd's. and then my parents had one of these giant motorized satelite dishes installed. it got everything. my new source of new kinds of music was movies on tv. movies like bio-dome changed my musical course. you hear a different kind of punk. and sure now you look back and its shitty, but back then it represented a change. and you felt good, and you want to be pauly shore with stephen baldwins terrible dreadlocks. and you want to dye your skin blue and skydive strapped into a drum kit. so you start taking drum lessons. and then you realize youre the weird kid. i didnt care. i liked what i liked, i didnt fit in with the way the rest of the rich kids liked to be. sure i had friends, but i had more than enough time to sit at home alone and absorb the world i thought i wanted to be a part of. for the last couple years before the internet descended from the heavens my musical taste was almost entirely forged by movie soundtracks. empire records, dazed and confused, and trainspotting. ever since then the joy i feel watching a movie depends almost exclusively on what im hearing behind the the people talking. my choice of movie relies on music, and to some extent the reverse is true as well, although i can enjoy music without a movie, but i cant enjoy a movie without music. this is something that has remained true throughout the rest of my life up until today. in fact, thinking back, it is probably the reason i love so many terrible movies, because if it has a good soundtrack i dont really care how bad the story is. i would find myself more and more trying to find music from movies when walking the aisles at tower. i always wished i had a tower closer to my house, so my trips were not as frequent as i would have liked. instead often times i was marooned at home watching the golden age of music video technology. a period in time where who was making what video was news. the last couple years of mtv's usefulness was a weird time, in that trl and the rest of its programming was pointing us all towards a very specific set of music and videos again. it was like we jumped back in time 10 years and all we were given access to was the top 10, just like the radio had been doing for years. but then something changed. and it was everything. all the sudden your reach was limitless with a computer. all of the sudden it didnt matter that i was sitting alone at home. i had a computer, and for the first couple years the music came to me at 56.6kbps over the phone. i would sit up in the office under my moms painting studio on the other side of the house and just watch those status bars slowly fill in while i waited for my music. there was no limit. you would hear bands on mtv, early in the morning or late at night, or youd watchsnl or conan or kilborn. you never knew any of the bands but they informed your musical zeitgeist. and after you heard something you would know if it was 'it' or not, and if it was, you put it in queue to download. next thing you know youre listening to narcotic by liquido. your infinite musical catalog in the year 2000 was only limited by one thing: your drive to find new music. and so thats the way its been for almost 20 years. with endless new music at my fingertips, im still always floored by certain songs that i love but almost never hear anymore. part of the joy comes from knowing people would laugh at me if they came across me listening to certain things i like. in most cases these songs are terrible and im in the minority for loving them but theyre a part of me. and if you can listen to 'give it up' by cut'n'move without getting into it, youre a robot. by the time i was a teenager i was just another white kid living in a whitewashed world all day, anytime i left my room i was surrounded by people walking around with starched collars. but at home and in my car i could listen to my music as loud as i wanted, i made an obnoxious effort to let people know i was them. i would drive around in a range rover, with the harmon/kardon sub in the back turned up all the way, didnt matter where i was, school, the park, practice, the country club, they all heard what i was listening to, it didnt matter if it was pearl jams' crazy mary or the st lunatics. our world changed when our ability to freely pick out our own music tailored by our own tastes and informed by exposure to stuff like thestraightdope.com or whoever's music was playing in the background of kurt loders news updates. since then ive used peoples taste in music against them. it wasnt that i really cared what they listened to as much as what they wouldnt listen to. its a good barometer in my eyes. people that cant discern good music for themselves generally cant do much at all on their own. its my firm belief that if youre open about not liking something then you should at least have a reason. were living in a time where every thing you see or do is interrupted by someone trying to sell you on their idea. the freedoms to be yourself appear to again be fleeting. the last bastion of personal freedom is quickly becoming monetized in a way it hasnt been before. the same way mtv turned into the channel that plays teenage mom all day, people are finding ways to sell people the same generic package again. you have to fight hard to find your personal space in this world and be yourself. while my musical taste is a representation of me and me alone, its sort of like a batch of cookies. my cookie might have more chocolate chips but all the dough came from the same bowl.

#music #writing #need notes #proofreading #no one even reads these

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